Teensense

Issue 179 Fall 2019

SOLVING YOUR ZODIACNE WHAT YOUR FAVORITE STATUE ON CAMPUS SAYS ABOUT YOU

t Find Ou ew N s ’ t a h W uffy! n S h t i W

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE CAST OF STRANGER THINGS HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE OLD

Come Hang Out With The Ghoul Kids General Meetings @9:23 PM Thursdays in breslin 217 Art + Writing Meetings Fridays @ 2:30 pm

E-Board

Editor in Chief: Lizzie “rejected hereditary article” Frank Managing Editor: Brynne “that’s what friends are for” Levine Assistant Editors: Brandon “undercover baby” Anderson & Millie “Christian Bale critic” Hart Head Writer: William “Dr. Tinder” Faber Art Director: Sam “the sweetest gay from Long Island” Riebs

Design Director: Mark “I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in.

And I don’t want to fit in.” Melchin Video Heads: Emmett “he was a sk8r boi” Goebel & Nathan “Guy Fieri’s long lost son” Elliott Treasurer: Lilly “Helen of Troy” Tennyson Social Media Manager: Robert “How do you do, fellow kids” Kinnaird

Table of Contents

1.

Cover - Sam Riebs

2.

Ads - Sam Riebs and Mark Melchin

3.

TOC

14. Zodiacne - Jules Dickinson-Frevola

4.

Mailbag - Write Staff

15. Zodiacne Pt 2

5.

Editorial - Lizzie Frank + Brynne

16. Top 5 Places to Smoke Weed

Levine

6.

Top Tips to Stop your Embarrasing Parents - Brandon Allen

7.

We Guessed Your Sign Based on Your Birth Month - William Faber Bulleproof Backpack -Giovanna Dexter

13. Stranger Things Interview - William Faber

by Lizzie Frank 17. How to Tell if Your Bestie is a Cop - Maggie Moore 18. What Your Favorite Statue Says About You - Venus Collotin 19. 5 After School Activities - Lizzie Frank

8.

Dear Auntie - Mattie

20. How to Kill Boomers -Robert Forte

9.

Back in My Day - Brandon Allen

21. Boomers pt 2

Teen Sheldon - Mark Melchin

22. No More Baths - Eli Grasso

10. Riverdale Hunks - Mattie 11. Is Your Boyfriend a Little Pissboy? - Micaela Erickson Feminism Win - Robert Kinnaird 12. Crab or Cutie - Robert Kinnaird

Vibe Check! - Venus Collotin 23. Are You Old? - Brandon Allen 24. Back Cover - Millie Hart

Mailbag

What does YEET mean?

It’s when your teeth fall out

My boyfriend wants to hold hands but he won’t stop sweating?

Thats sex. When ur sweat touches thats fucking sex you pervs

I’m gonna smoke a beer brb

Hey r u of age? R u fucking doing that underage? Im not a cop but whats ur address

Ok, but like, how do I get my parents divorced?

Parent trap but reversed

What is this weird thing under my bed that screams, “GET OFF MY ROOF?!”

That’s just paw paw (:

I want to learn slang with my son, but where is the best place to learn? He tells me about this Twitter?

Can u stop bragging about having a son hes not even cool. he fucking sucks at baseball

How do you pronounce “UwU”?

I’m gonna pronounce you dead if you don’t shut the fuck up

I’m the only one in my group without a mustache, what’s wrong with me?

Your bloodline is weak and the sands of time will wash it away

How do i “eat” “ass?”

You “dine” on “dirty butt”

What’s the worst thing to show your date?

Your other date

Haha what would you do if I was there haha?

I simply wouldnt!

Writing Staff

Giovanna “to the tune of Sweet Caroline” Dexter Mattie “Mattie Brown” Brown Jules “user of toothpaste Dickinson-Frevola Maggie “Smith” Farese Venus “space tycoon” Colloton Eli “mow the” Grasso Link “d In” Rosser

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Editorial Dear Friend,

“teens”. We dedicated so much time, energy, and resources on this! Thanks for the funding Harvard!

Yep. That’s what being a teen is all about. Hating Wow, thanks for picking your parents, not doing up this magazine, full of your homework, and jokes and art. Nothing constantly panicking over else (and friendship). Get Sike. It’s just Brynne and the crumbling foundation in touch with your fleet- Lizzie, one adult (20) and of your life. Thanks for ing youth, be reminded one teen (19). It has been picking up the magazine. of your juvenile arroso useful for all of our ex- Hope you find the rest of gance. Stab your friends periments to have a real it better than this editowith knives, you’re invin- live test subject instead rial, and that’s saying a cible again! You know, the of stupid little dumb lot because this editorial kind of stuff John Green rats in wigs who smoke kicks ass (in a bad way. It’s was writing. tobacco from pipes and bad). play the piano and speak We here at Nonsense latin. They are divas and Yep, this is not very funsupport neither John horrible to work with. ny, but what can you do Green nor teens. We here To run experiments on when you’re 6 hours away at Nonsense are scholars Lizzie, we beat him with from your best friend. (didn’t you just see our Kraft singles and rolled Facetime and write this. use of nor). We here at up newspaper (thanks, Joke. Joke. Please laugh.

Nonsense are about three Hofstra Chronicle!).

Pleeeeeeeeease. Please things and three things :^( only: We decided on doing Writing jokes Teensense this semester Your pals, Making friends because this has been the Brynne & Lizzie I forget worst semester ever, and being a teenager is shitty As we are scholars, this too. Whatever, dad. You issue is actually a scholdon’t understand me. No arly research report on one understands. >:^( 5

Top Tips to Stop Your Embarrassing Parents from Embarrassing You

by Brandon Allen

1: Tell your parents that you feel 8: Steal those annoying baby 15: I mean bro… cults are a lot embarrassed when they bring up pictures from the family album… of fun… do it. DO IT! certain things at the wrong times, they love you, and you will feel understood and valid in the way you feel.

just in case…

9: fuck you mom and dad…

16: Run away from home and get a ride from a shady looking van, that'll show them!

2: Express your individuality, 10: Take a shortcut through they have to realize that you’re your 17: Put on this hood! the sketchy alleyway where the own person. goth kids hang out, instead of 3: Open yourself up to new ideas, you have to figure out who

you are through exploration! I hear that new club at school is interesting!

having your dumbass dad drop you off. That’s a good idea, they wear all black and they're in that club so they must be cool…

11: Experiment with drugs!

19: Sacrifice

4: Actually, parents are dumb… 12: Join a cult! like, fuck them.

5:

Don’t let them show baby pictures to your friends.

20: Welcome to the Eye of Eternal Ember…

13: Seriously, you should join a cult!

14:dork-ass Burn the family album with 6: FUCK you mom and dad!!! those baby pictures that 7: Go to Hofstra (you can also not do that…)

18:

Stand in the circle around the fire with your NEW family, throw the pictures in there before they can see, and chant “Goolah gooleh goolah gooleh”. Be renewed!

your… your FUCKING ASSHOLE PARENTS showed your friends when they finally let you have friends over. GOD! 6

Doing The Unthinkable We Guess Your Birth Month Based on Your Astrology Sign

by William Faber Many said guessing your birth month based only on your astrology sign couldn’t be done, but we worked as a group and got our odds all the way up to about fifty/fifty. You might have thought it was impossible, but read on and realize just how wrong you were.

late August and early September.

Libra: This one’s a tossup, but our gut is telling us either September or October.

Scorpio: We locked in our answer as October or November before we even had the rest of these figured out. Sorry to blow your mind.

Ophiuchus: YOU EXIST OUTSIDE OF TIME AND SPACE. Sagittarius: Definitely November or December. Definitely.

Capricorn: Maybe December. Maybe January. It could go either way.

Aquarius: Our extremely advanced readings are telling us January or February.

Pisces: Shit, we got no fucking idea.

Aries: Either March or April. You wouldn’t believe how easy that was for us.

Taurus: At first we thought it was definitely April, but then we realized it might also be May. Gemini: People thought this one was truly impossible, but it’s May or June, and they have to get over it.

Cancer: June. Possibly July.

Leo: Not to act cocky, but our team has this one: July or August.

Virgo: With this one, we can only give you a range between

Get Ready for Back to SCHOOL school Six Must Haves for Your BulletProof Backpack It’s that time of year! Soon you’ll re-enter hell and hope to have a shred of sanity left when you get to the other side. But you can’t forget about your mortality, and you certainly can’t forget to accessorize! Because then the Boomers win.

1)Self-Love Keychain! Self-love is important, especially since the nursing home rejects in charge of the country have decided your life is trivial compared to cold steel barrels! Get one that says, BE YOU, I AM ENOUGH, or DUCK. 2)Charger! When writing your last will

by Giovanna Dexter

and testament into Google Docs, the last thing you want is a dead phone.

So, while taking note of all possible entrances and exits, make sure you also look for outlets, and keep that charger close!

3)Your Social Media! Get some funky felt-tip pens and write all your social media accounts right on your backpack. Don’t worry, the bullet-proof plates will really makes those usernames pop! It’s fun, creative, and, when the reporters interview you to hear your harrowing escape from death, you can get that CLOUT! 4)Tasty Snacks! It can take hours for

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police to properly clear and evacuate a school, and that’s a long time to be crouched in a corner with your useless project partners while Mr. Jacobs brandishes that one defective stapler.

So make sure you have a good snack on you at all times. Raises energy and morale!

5)White Flag! Nothing screams, “I’m not a threat!” to the police like waving a bleached bed sheet over your head!

After all, white is their favorite color.

6)Hope! This is absolutely essential.

Unfortunately, Amazon no longer has it available for free same-day delivery.

Ask Auntie

by Mattie Brown

Dear, Auntie I love Jermey Renner. I worship the very ground he walks on. My mother doesn’t understand. She thinks our love is unhealthy. I think she is a blind fool who isn’t even worthy of wiping the anointed ones ass. And now she is furious because I stole her credit card and spent 1,500$ in my lover’s beautiful app. Now she is demanding I pay her back. What should I do?

-Hawkeye’s Girl 69 Dear, Hawkeye’s Girl 69 I don’t know where to start. How do you spend $1,500 on an App? Who IS worthy of wiping his ass? How do you determine something like that? There is so much context I feel like is not in this letter, yet I am terrified of what the answers can possibly be.

-Auntie Dear, Auntie My boyfriend Garrett and I have been dating since our freshman year of highschool. We were thrilled when we found out that we were both accepted into the same college. We were enjoying exploring this new chapter in our lives. But then, Garret started to change. He’s pressuring me into things that I don’t want to do. He insists “It’ll be fun,” or “It’ll bring us closer.”

He’s persistent, but I don’t want to do improv.

He keeps bringing it up. He goes on about how he learned “to be in the moment, stop thinking, and throw

yourself into this scene called life,” or he how can finally say “yes, and” to the universe.

What in God’s name does that even mean? I asked him, but all he said was that I need to experience it for myself.

Then he “wiped the scene” and went home.

I-wish-that-I-never-showed-himthat-clip-of-whose-line-is-it-anyway?

Dear College-Comedy-Victim , Dump him.

-Auntie Dear Auntie, I’ve been having some issues with my roommates. It all started when I overheard them talking about being on their period. I joked that we must officially be roomies now, because I started mine this morning. They got super quiet and stared at me for a really long time until Tiffany grabbed me by the shoulder and said “You have received the mark of Lilith on this morn?” Then Amanda started shaking this random gourd. They told me I had to pledge their sorority because I was their “blood sister”. At first I thought it was a joke, but they keep pushing it. They keep leaving subtle hints about me joining. They write cryptic runes on all of my notebooks, leave their ceremonial skull in the middle of the floor, and sometimes their sisters come in and they drink in the room even though alchohol isn’t allowed in the dorms.

Whenever I try to explain to them that I’m too busy for another orga-

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nization, their eyes roll into the back of their heads, they float up to the ceiling, and they start screaming at me in tongues, even during quiet hours!

Whats worse, is that it makes all of the furniture float around and get disorganized. Once they got glitter from their greek week banner all over the floor! I mean, that was an unrelated incident, but I’m still pissed about it.

Or when I ask them if they can plan their bake sale or brew their potions somewhere else the lights flicker and they disappear, leaving only the word soon scrawled on the wall in blood.

It’s so frustrating! I’m sick of having to clean up their messes.

I tried to get them off my back by going to a mixer with them. As soon as I walked in everyone looked at me and started chanting “Blood! Blood!

Blood!” It caused a massive storm that ruined my brand new sweater. I’m getting a little sick of this.

-Annoying Roommates Dear Annoying Roommates , It sounds like you need to be assertive with your roomies and lay out some clear boundaries. First, sijxgtju8ytfgyrtghj STUPID GIRL! YOU SEEK REFUGE FROM THIS IMPOTENT MORTAL! YOU THINK SHE CAN HELP YOU? NO, NOBODY CAN UNDO WHAT IS ALREADY BEEN SET IN MOTION. YOU SHALL NOT DENY ME. I AM POWER AND CHAOS IN ITS TRUES FORM, MISTRESS OF ALL THINGS UNHOLY. I AM LILITH, AND I SHALL LAY MY CLAIM UPON YOU.

Back in my Day!

by Brandon Allen

I’m tired of all you little shits being entitled in your intergenerational quagmires. Walking around with your robotified robo-shits and automatic cigarettes! Back in my day, we weren’t called “teen-agers” cause we weren’t lazy little fuckersnaps: we called ourselves adolescents.

We used to chase a hoop with a stick we’d whittled and banana-oiled ourselves! Why, in my day, our telephones couldn’t TALK ON THEIR OWN and our cars had to actually TOUCH THE GROUND TO MOVE! You spoiled bastards don’t even know what respect is, cursing all the damn time like it w’aint nobody fuck damn business, fuck. Jacking your heads into the computer box to “lo-fi space chill and wuwu.” Yeah, that’s right! I know the lingo you little scoundrels are using these days. Now excuse me, I’m gonna go watch reality TV and finish this argument on Facebook about the moon landing conspiracy (THEY FAKED IT), not that you would know anything about the moon… ignorant little flimflam peddlappers! [disclaimer] Hello, this is an editor at TeenSense. We apologize. The views of this letter do not reflect those of our organization. We can neither confirm nor deny that we might have had to call security on an old guy screaming outside our office. Nor can we say whether he ran through the back, knocked out one of our editors, wrote this letter, and gave the publishing team the go to send it out… he may or may not have been stronger than he looked. :^(

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Which Riverdale Hunk Should Rob You at GunPoint in a Chili’s Parking Lot?

By Mattie Brown We’re all completely OBSESSED with Riverdale here at Teensense. We’re just like you, reader! We love hyper-sexualised underaged characters being played by people too old to be covered by their parents’ health insurance. YUMMIE! Whether it’s Archie’s rippling abs, Jugheads rippling abs, Reggie’s rip- you know what I think you get it. We LOVE the hot boys of Riverdale.

And What’s sexier and more thrilling than getting robbed at gunpoint in a Chili’s Parking Lot? Getting robbed at knifepoint in an Arby’s bathroom. But we can’t all get that lucky. So take this quiz to find out which boy would roll you over for a scrape of your meager earnings! Because fuck it, this is my last day.

Starting next week, mama is going to be working for a real news orginization. No more crying on the subway on the way to work for me!

Question 1: Imagine you’re editing an episode of Riverdale. Which underdeveloped Character should have their one scene cut and replaced with a random sex scene?

A) Josie B) Kevin C) Toni D) I acciedently closed out of the Riverdale wiki page so I don’t have any more names, but the format requires I give four options for each question so...

Question 2: What is your go to order at Chilis?

A) Fuck. I don’t even know what they serve at chili’s. I could go back and change it to Applebees or something,

but I don’t care. My editor isn’t even going to read this. I just got to hit that sweet, sweet word count baby.

B) A tray of brownies with a special secret ingredient (That’s weed incase you were wondering. Believe it or not, there was a time before drugs were ingested from a cherry-cola flavored vape. Wild.)

C) This is taking more effort than I thought it would. Ummm, the big chili™ they have outside? You know what? I’m just going to google chili’s menu and copy paste the first thing I find.

D) Fajitas!

Question 3: How many times have you been robbed (gunpoint, knifepoint, lassopoint, ect.

Location is irrelevant ) A) Once B) Thrice C) 69 times (HA! The sex number. Is this what the kids find funny now?

Don’t answer, I don’t give a shit.)

D) I would rather not say Question 4: What’s your favorite plot point on Riverdale?

A) Betty’s secret brother was revealed to be dead all along, but then he wasn’t actually, he works for the FBI B) I think there was some cult that was harvesting people’s organs with an offbrand DND or soemthing like that.

C) Acording to twitter, Archie got attacked by a bear, so I guess that’s a thing D) Archie’s music!

Last Question! Got to get that 5 question minimum so lets crank this shit out.

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Question 5: Ooh this my shit. All the girls stamp your feet like this A) Few times I’ve been around that track B) So it’s not just gonna happen like that C) ‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl D) I ain’t no hollaback girl Results: Mostly A’s: Jughead.

You got Jughead! That makes sense given that I guess he’s a criminal now?

IDK, he still has that stupid fucking hat.

God, it must smell so rank by now.

Mostly B’s: Cole Sprouse Okay, I’m going to keep it real with you chief. I’m pretty hungover rn and I can’t be assed to remember anyone else’s names. But by God I’ve written so many articles about Cole and Lilli I won’t be able to forget them no matter how hard I try. But hey, I “got that bread” as the kids say and I never have to look through either of their instagrams again.

Mostly C’s: Dylan Sprouse Close enough.

Mostly D’s: Dylan Sproue dressed as Jughead Ohhh. Riverdale with a twist! Twins pretending to be each other. Goalz!

Lmao! Can you say sweet life? #throwbackthursday. I don’t even know what I’m typing anymore. I’m just trying to run out the clock here, buddy.

Is Your Boyfriend a Little Pissboy?

Let’s Discuss...

by Micaela Erickson

Okay listen. If I know too much about anything, it’s pissboys. I’ve been observing them for years now. I know the look. The unwarranted confidence. The overwhelming scent. Samantha, I know you’re sooooo excited to be dating the hottest boy in the 9th grade, BUT I’m here to help you discern whether or not your boyfriend is a pissboy.

Tucks his juul into a smaller bed next to his & gives it a lil kissy So we’re having this discussion because your bf ~might~ be a pissboy, huh? If he is, odds are he’s an absolute juul fiend with stock in mango pods. He stole his 7 year old sister’s American Girl Doll bed & repurposed it especially

for his juul. Every night at exactly 10:15pm he puts Juulene in her little bed and gives her a smoochie. He has that routine on lock but will absolutely leave you on read for 5+ hours. How do you not see this as an instant qualification for a pissboy?

Pissed his pants in middle school Remember when Jaxon peed himself in middle school? And you’re still dating him? Couldn’t be me! I’m above that. Try to stay dry love!

Has never once been held accountable for his actions UWU he’s a soooft boi. Oh no he didn’t meaaan to hurt you pleeeeease babe give him another

chance haha your so sexyyyy. He didn’t know that you would get offended by saying that the wage gap doesn’t exist! ( ˃̣̥ _˂̣ ̣ ̥ ̣ ) Please queen you know that all lives DO matter; you KNOW our boys in blue are only doing their job!! Babe are you like… on your period or something??

He only kissed Jessica for a dare hahaha don’t be so sensitive!! OWO what’s this? You forgive him? Again? Don’t you know manipulation is part of a loving relationship????

Is actively contributing to the climate crisis We both know this pissbitch litters like it’s NOBODY’s business. After his daddy wouldn’t let him take the Tesla out for a spin, he decided to orchestrate a big “f you” to his pops AND mother nature. He accumulated as much trash as he could over a month and dumped it straight into the pacific ocean. My eyes have never seen such horrors. Every straw, soda can ring, and empty Monster Energy Drink™️ polluting the water with microplastics and strangling innocent sealife for no good reason. Look at your monstrosity, Samantha. Are you proud?

He absolutely soaked his Hollister™️ khaki shorts in the middle of class Ahahaha remember that one time in 6th grade when he tinkled in his wittle baby khaki shorts??? Did the little pissboy go peepee in his pants because he was too embawassed to ask Mrs. Awexander to go to the bathwoom? ://// Eat shit Jaxon we will NEVER forget. You were 12 be a fucking adult and use a urinal, for christ’s sake.

Feminism Win: This Straight Guy Is Platonic Friends with a Girl

by Robert Kinnaird That’s right ladies, you heard it here first.

Students Steven Francis (16) and Kathy Wilson (16) have been in the same english class all year and have become platonic friends. None of us thought it was possible, but he is not trying to fuck her! Francis is a heterosexual, single, and reasonably attractive young man from South Bend Indiana. According to our sources, he is a “decent student,” “a pretty good athlete,” and an “all-around good guy!” But the truly impressive thing about this charming young man is that he appears to have zero romantic or sexual interest in his friend Kathy! Truly a shocking twist!

Kathy is “totally his type,” according to best friend Joey Matthews. Matthews went

on record saying that Wilson is “wildly boneable,” and that if he were Steven he’d be “******* that,” but alas, he is not half the man that Steven Francis is, so he will never have that opportunity.

In a stunning show of platonicism Francis has had Wilson’s snapchat for six months, maintaining a streak that whole time. In this time, he has never once commented on Wilson’s “massive milkbags,” (something that got Matthews softblocked on her finsta) so good going Steve! Now that’s how you respect women!

When asking around the school, students have reported that Francis is “a polite kid,” and “cool enough.” Some students even thought that he and Wilson were dating

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because they just get along so well. Really cool Steven! Apparently Kathy has even been alone with him at his dad’s apartment and they just “kinda chilled, watched a movie” according to a friend of Wilson’s.

He did not once attempt to show her how big his penis is. Sources close to the situation say Matthews tries this on every first date and that it is NOT impressive and that it does NOT work. Learn from your friend Matthews, or at least have something to brag about!

When reached for comment, Wilson said “oh yeah Steve’s cool.” Wow. We love that for them. Well Steven, on behalf of all women everywhere: thank you. Now keep doing what you’re doing champ!

or Is this man hot? Or are the claws he has for hands conveniently out of frame!

He’s the Spider-lad! look at that smile! Delectible!

Boy I sure hope he isnt actually a sea creature, he can’t be that and also a spider can he?

God Michael B Jordan is a dream boat, but now that i think about it... I’ve never seen his hands?

If Harry Styles is a bottom feeder from the ocean, then I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll crack his shell with a hammer don’t fuck with me on this one, god I’m gonna be so upset.

Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me right now this man is not a cutie keep him out of my face I’m not even kidding right now I’m deeply upset about this shit

Very Good! Look at Him! I like what I’m seeing oh yeah!

Oh Thank God he’s just a cute boy! a certified hottie even!

uh oh! i wish i didn’t see that! Guess I’ll no longer think about getting squeezed by him! oof ouchie that would pinch ahaha im deeply afraid of crabs.

Thank fucking christ

Woah he’s actually kinda cute right? Maybe I should examine my prejudice and biases about what makes a man attractive or not. I’m sorry little man

Wait a minute! that sucks actually! I’m not liking that at all!

The Kids of ‘Stranger Things’ Reveal the Surprising Advice They Got From Spundleton the River Troll

By William Faber under his breath, ‘Don’t ever run out of brine. Fill your jar with water beforehand then measure it to see how much you’ll need to fill it.’ The rest of the meeting just flew by.”

Millie Bobby Brown “He’s such a good bloke. He reached out after he saw me tweet about a struggle I was going through. We met up and after I just let it all out, he put his oozing, mud-slathered hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Your vegetables have to be fresh when you pickle them. Don’t use waxed supermarket produce: you’ll ruin the whole batch.’ It put everything I was going through into perspective, and I am so, so grateful for that.”

Finn Wolfhard “It was amazing. Spundleton brought me to his home, the river, and we just talked and drank coffee.

Well, I had to pour the coffee down his gullet because he doesn’t have lips, but I’m used to that by now! (laughs) After I finished my drink, he said, ‘You have to measure and weigh your pickling ingredients carefully. The proportion of

fresh food to other ingredients is where the magic happens.’ I was astounded. It was like he took everything I was thinking but didn’t know how to say and put it into words.”

Gaten Matarezzo “He visited me on set one day out of the blue and we just drove golf carts around. We were doing doughnuts in a parking lot and he shouted, ‘Lemme tell you something! Use an herb or a spice in your brine!

Mustard seed, peppercorn, and bay leaves are classics!’ I couldn’t believe it. Even in a moment when we were having so much fun, he still managed to say something that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.”

Noah Schnapp “I was trapped in this SUPER boring press meeting when he came in unannounced, got the interviewers to take five, and whispered to me

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Caleb McLaughlin “As an activist, I often feel my career and my conscience pulling me in two different directions. I was fretting over a role I’d been offered, so I played a voicemail he left for me a few weeks ago. It went something like, ‘Where’s my FUCKING money Caleb?! Don’t tell me you fucking spent it all ‘cause I know you’ve got that goddamn NETFLIX money.

I need it by tomorrow if you ever want to see your parents again!’ In so few words he made the world seem simple again.”

Sadie Sink ‘I was rehearsing for an audition with my acting coach, and I just couldn’t get the ending of the monologue to click. My coach called Spundleton up and put me on the line with him. Over the crackling of the speakerphone, I could hear his slimy, slimy voice, ‘Never use red wine vinegar unless you want all your vegetables to turn pink!’ Then he hung up. My coach says the ensuing monologue was the best I’d ever done!”

Solving Your You got a lot of shit going on, huh kiddo? Your shit is all over the place and it’s just A Lot to deal with. Odds are you need a break. Odds are also you are so, so, so incredibly sick of being told to drink water and wash your face.

Thanks, never thought of that. The Cluster is a manifestation of your frustration, anxiety, and self-disappointment for not living the life Marie Kondo would want for you. The Cluster does not spark joy, but you’ve long given up the expectation that Mario Badescuequecuu spray will give you flawless skin.

Your love of the spotlight is as apparent as the zit under your nose. You don’t let anything hold you back, and you’re here to make an impact. Nothing says “fun and flirty” like a cute whitehead camped above your top lip that refuses to shrink or be covered with concealer. You’re well-known and easily seen, but also misunderstood. Maybe if people actually got to know you, they’d see that you’re fun and interesting and complex and well-meaning and multidimensional, and not a ditzy bitch like you keep saying I am, Brooke!!!

We get it, you’re Woke. You took one yoga class in P.E. and now all you do is smoke weed, pretend to like kombucha, and justify why white people having dreads is a way for them to escape the demanding norms instilled by societal beauty standards. You’re actually a pretty nice person, besides all the fake woke shit. You’ll either continue this path of pretentiousness, or you’ll grow out of it and shudder internally in memory every time you see a mandala design.

Sure, it’s not like you had important shit you needed to do today. Your skin had been great for so long and then you catch your reflection in a window and you suddenly have a freeloader hitching a ride on your chin. Not only is it big and red, but it hurts like a bitch, with no signs of stopping anytime soon. This spot will remain for almost two weeks until you become used to it taking up residence on your face. Odds are, you’re dealing with a lot of shit right now, but unlike The Cluster, you held it all in until it manifested as a single, furious, under-the-skin menace.

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Zodiacne

By Jules Dickinson-Frevola

You’re a go-getter. Big and bold, bold and brash, sore and swollen, full of puss. You like having the attention on you, positive or negative. You also show up uninvited and unexpectedly at inopportune times. The equally bold and impatient with poke and prod and squeeze you until you go away. Others hope to ignore you until you get the hint and leave. You really need to just stop showing up to parties like this, man. It’s not cool.

Yeah ha ha, rudolph, not like you’ve heard that joke four times today alone. You just wanted to have a nice, normal day, but you forgot to wash your face last night and woke up with this ridiculous red bump because, this might as well happen this week right? You’re honestly so ridiculously done with all this shit. Just can’t wait to graduate and get the hell out of here to live out your future of leading Santa’s sleigh in peace.

Unlike the rest of the spots on this list, potholes are characterized by their unique sense of almost not even existing.

Scars left by acne symbolize your ability to heal and move on from the hardships of your past. They are also somehow worse than acne because where most acne will go away eventually, scars just fucking stay there forever and remind you of the teen years you spent crying over My Chemical Romance breaking up and Alex from Chemistry asking someone other than you to homecoming. Keep your head up champ, that shit will only come back to haunt you years later every now and then.

No one invited you. You do this literally every week, when will you get it through your head that this is a private event and you weren’t invited. We talked like five times in class last year and you immediately though we were best friends and it’s starting to creep me out, please give me space.

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Top 5 Places To Smoke Weed That Aren’t My Basement

by Lizzie Frank Guys, you’re not listening to me. I’m glad we have weed. I’m excited to try it, i texted as many of my cousins as anybody else when we accidentally bought oregano three times in a row. I pitched in Christian’s $10 and my own.

(Yes, Christian, I know you’re gonna pay me back.) Haven’t I given enough? Why do we have to smoke in my basement?! There’s tons of cool places we can smoke that are not in the house where I was raised.

The woods

You’re just not picturing it like I am. It’ll be totally… mentally cleansing! All the boys, connecting with nature, smoking some leaf (that’s another word for weed, going off the nature them). Well, if you’re so scared of the dark we’ll just go on a full moon. Come on guys, am I the only one trying to problem solve here? Shut up about the poison ivy, I only know of three confirmed cases of someone getting poison ivy in those woods. Well obviously there are more unconfirmed, I was only listing my own experiences. Those other cases could be anything, allergies or a really bad rash. Oh my god, chill out about the mountain lion, ok?? Take a big fat chill pill, Darren, and stop overreacting. The last time a mountain lion attacked a person was like… more than 4 weeks ago. It’s no biggie.

At a party

Come on dudes, this one is perfect! Three birds with one tone: one, we’ll finally smoke weed (that’s a given). Two, we’ll finally be at a party (also technically a given). Three, everyone at the party will know that we smoked weed.

We’ll get major street cred and be well on our way to getting invited to another party. So everyone’s in agreement, we’ll smoke at the party? Perfect. Do any of you know who’s having a party this weekend? Oh? Ok, that’s fine.

What about next weekend? No? No, I don’t. What about any possible parties in the next 6 weeks? Ok, any parties in the next 6 months? No Connor, we cannot smoke weed at the Seussical: the Musical cast party. There are teacher chaperones there!

In my orthodontist’s yard

Eureka! I’ve got it. At my last orthodontist appointment that dumbass mentioned he and his wife are vacationing to stpuid Bali for a romantic getaway. We can take a bus to his house, jump the fence, and smoke in his yard.

No, I don’t know the set-up of his yard. No, I don’t know where exactly he lives. But we can hack him or something .Adults are always doing dumb shit like accidentally posting their address to Facebook. We’ll just check there. Type in his last name, “Millson.” And he’s an orthodontist, look for orthodontists named Millson. Why the heck would I know his first name, Connor? I call him “Doctor.” Well, if my ideas are so dumb, why don’t you just smoke weed in your own basement?

Connor’s basement

It’s been right in front of our eyes this whole time! Let’s just go over to Connor’s. It actually works out so perfect.

Connor, how convenient is it that your mom skipped town last month, now your dad has to work late to stay financially afloat! We’ll have the whole place to ourselves. We’ll give your little sister some cough syrup with her gogurt and be good to go! Why am I suddenly the bad guy when 20 minutes ago you were perfectly fine with possibility of my dog getting a contact high! It doesn’t matter if we put him outside, you don’t know how weed works on dogs. But you know what we do know. Connor’s basement has surround and mine doesn’t. Seems like a pretty easy choice to me.

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How to Tell if Your BFF is an Undercover Cop

By Magie Moore Does your BFF make weird references to old movies about guys with tommy guns? Do they not understand your memes? Do they keep asking you if you know the exact location of any drug dealers? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your bestie might be an undercover cop! Take this Nonsense quiz to confirm your suspicions!

1. When you sneak up behind your bestie to surprise them, what do they do? a. They reach for a holster and yell “Put your hands in the air!” b. They reach down your throat and pull out your soul.

Once they recognize you, they apologize and gently put it back. c. They say “Aw shucks!” and then laugh it off. d. They turn around slowly and stare at you with their cold, dead eyes.

2. What’s your bestie’s fav social media? a. Facebook, and they love getting into fights in the comments section. b. They tried to show you an app but you don’t remember anything that happened afterwards for twenty four hours. c. Instagram d. Rideshare 3. What’s your bestie’s fav food? a. Donuts b. The tears of your enemies c. Pizza d. Roadkill, preferably fresh 4. What car does your bestie drive? a. Dodge Charger b. They always appear anywhere five minutes before you with no obvious means of transportation c. Nissan d. They never have the same car for more than a week, and the license plates are always covered or have managed to “fall off.”

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5. How long have you known your bestie? a. You met them the day after you convinced your older brother to buy you a vape pen. b. To them, time is meaningless c. Three years d. Four days If you got mostly a’s, your bestie is an undercover cop! Don’t tell them about your contraband watermelon flavored vape stash and you’ll be fine.

If you got mostly b’s, your bestie is an interdimensional being! Keep them close, because you could really use a friend like them at your side when the invasion starts!

If you got mostly c’s, your bestie is suspiciously normal. Tread carefully.

If you got mostly d’s, your bestie is a serial vehicular man slaughterer!

If they say they hate it when people get up in their grill, they don’t mean that figuratively!

What your favorite statue on campus says about you

By Elliot Colloton the sims one you got yelled at in class last week for watching the buzzfeed hundred baby challenge. your sims are more successful than you probably will ever be and you think about that sometimes when you’re alone late at night. you have five languages open on duolingo and no longer fear death.

benny j frank help what do i say here can i just dunk on film kids or will they just use it as an excuse to talk to me about fight club? also, i’m not legally allowed to say you have bad taste but your favorite flavor of ice cream is probably pistachio.

socrates and plato you’re either: a) a philosophy major who smokes too much weed. please stop trying to talk to me about morality bro i just want to steal this six dollar hummus cup from bits. b) a business major with a major juuling problem.

titty lady ur gay.

this fuckin guy every time i pass by this dude, i think he’s a real person. even that one time i was running across campus to class because i was ten minutes late and it was pouring rain, i was like “man, this dude is really dedicated to hanging out on the quad.” one of these days I’m gonna pass right by him and he’s gonna get up and follow me to class and oh man I’m not gonna sleep tonight just thinking about it. If this is your favorite statue, see you in hell buddy. this fuckin guy, part 2 you dirty, dirty boy. :•(

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Five After-School Activities that are Better than JROTC

by Lizzie Frank

5. Smoking weed in the woods behind the soccer field

Lame af, but where else are you going to do it? Christine’s basement? She doesn’t even have a speaker down there. Just be careful of stray soccer balls. Once Jeff was doing a gravity bong hit when an out of control foul shot got him right in the back of his head. He was moderately concussed and severely stoned, which lead to him thinking he was possessed by the demon of soccer “Farfalle” for about a week. Those JROTC kids like, go to school in military uniform sometimes.

I’ll take a soccer pasta demon any day.

Plus, since hanging around the soccer field so much, Coach has technically added us to the varsity line up.

4. Cyberbullying Mark Zuckerberg

Haha, this fucker deserves it. I bet he’s had a mouse in his asshole and I’m not afraid to tell him. He’s got a face like a cuck and he smells like one too. This asshole invented facebook and he can’t even send me an automated birthday message? Pathetic. Also he was sooooo mean to Andrew Garfield in the Social

Network. If there’s one thing I, another regular teen, loves, it’s David Fincher movies. When I cyberbully Mark Zuckerberg, I always make sure to attack from a library computer, so it’s untraceable back to me. I’m technically in Robotics club now from crashing so many of their meetings. I’m working on a robot who can cyberbully Cuck-erberg for me.

3. Locking the door to your room while your parents fight about money

This one’s an oldie, but get this: It’s also a baddie. Is the stress of studying, applying for college, and being the only one in your friend group to not have a car just not enough for you? Well then maybe you should try locking the door to your room while your parents fight about money. Locking the door is great, because it helps with the illusion of control when really you have no power whatsoever! Fun additions to this activity can be feeling guilty about the $20 you took out of your dad’s wallet to pitch in for Jeff ’s exorcism, but ended up using to buy weed.

tbh i really deserve the ridicule

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2. Snapchat

Can Keanu Reeves chaperone my field trip into the Matrix because I simply do not want to live in this reality anymore. Maybe Keanu won’t pick up (could he have changed his number without letting me know?) but snapchat always will. Simply open the app and bam! 6 hours later you’ll realize you just lost 6 hours of your life! You can never get it back! Did you have fun looking at videos of what your friends are doing without you? Did it provide the emotional support you needed? No? Then stop being a baby and do #1 on this list.

1. Bullying JROTC

These jocks are on nationalistic steroids, but with a little ingenuity, they are 100% bullyable. Punt a couple of rotting soccer balls you were saving up in the smoke shack while they run laps in the parking lot. Cyberbully them with the same vigor with which you attacked Mark Zuckerberg (some of the insults don’t even have to be changed). Keep yourselves entertained after school, and remember: If you can’t beat them, don’t join them.

How To Kill Boomers and Take Their Power

By Robert Forte As Boomers have grown up, they’ve given us a number of things. Candy, used cars, things to cancel on twitter, etc. If there is one thing that they’ve slacked on teaching us, it’s how to channel the raw metaphysical alpha energy that encases every atom in our universe. But here, we’ll show you how to not only how to murder them in cold blood*, but also take away all of that raw energy and use it for something better, like opening doors with your mind or boiling water instantly. *Despite the saying, boomer’s blood actually transcend temperature. This is because of the kiyoflex principle

1. Identify Boomer They’re usually just old and bad, but if you need more guidance, we have two reminders.

-Remember that boomer is a mindset, not an age. My brother was complaining about how our 4-year old neighbor and all of her friends are too entitled and lazy, and then later opened multiple temporal portals due to a Kiyoflex awakening.

-Their facebook password involves either someone’s birthday or a name of an old pet.

2. Pinpoint their Weakness While the average Boomer can easily detonate a small Island while asleep, they’re not immortal, and are vulnerable to a lot of very common things. Here’s a list of them with no explanation a. iPhone at the dinner table b. Gay c. Knife d. Gay Knife

e. Teen Articles with multiple list f. “Happy Holidays” g. Playboi Carti h. 2nd Dimensional Void Constructs (obvious)

3. Kill If they’re distracted by the TV or a messy living room, just go for it. Try not to second guess yourself. They can see regret like we see colors.

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4. Power Drain Biggest thing to keep in mind after they dissolve is that you only have an average of 4 minutes before they reform, so absorb their powers quick. Here are some methods that are tried and true. a. Vape- If you vape the ash with a mango pod, you’ll get the powers quickly, but a minimum 15% chance of dying. Odds increase depending on their age. b. Boomer Tree- Just sprinkle some of that dead boomer ash into any potted plant and wait for the next solar eclipse and bada-boom, your shitty, normal green plant becomes a super cool, transparent, boomer plant. Every 14 BoomerHours, a fruit will emerge. Eat at least one of these fruits a day until either you’re finished saving for your 401k or we end the War on Terror, whichever comes first. c. Boomer Scanner- While pricey ($2470 in war bonds), you can easily use this to take out one boomer on life support, which is easy, but not as easy as buying a house with a factory job in the 60s.

5. Existential Crisis Yeehaw partner, you did it. You’ve attained the power that Reagan himself used to defeat Communism. Of course, there’s a lot to go into your new found near-omnipotence, so we have some advice to make sure you don’t do something drastic, like pee in the shower.

Pros -Opening Dimensional Rifts- Did you like walking? No, you didn’t. Now you don’t have to. You can also help other people move, but considering you have blood on your hands, I’m assuming you suck.

-Twitter followers- it turns out infinite alpha energy is great for your social media following, as everything you say is trending for 6 of Saturn’s 7 moons.

-No more taxes- Any being that’s far above the general population in power doesn’t have to pay taxes. At least that’s the defense billionaires use.

Cons -Retirement Home- Currently it’s the only place that has a fine layer of dark matter soil that won’t harm any 3rd Spectrum life forms, so it’ll be the place for you to live, unless you want to vaporize your cat.

-No one can touch you- The Alpha energy you now have inside of your white blood cells will unfortunately unalign someone’s vertical frequency. So, yeah, no more sex. Not like you were getting any, fucking virgin.

-You have to shit yourself- the shit you produce from your butt, unfortunately, is immovable. No one knows why that is, but previous Boomers blame it on Russia, so we will too!

-You can no longer read this article.

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! ! s M h o t o r a N eB

by Eli Grasso

You have crossed me for the last time, you wicked beast. I am thirteen years old now and you still decide to treat me like I’m a bumbling oaf. Just because I spilled “Mommy’s Delicious Spaghetti Dinner” all over myself tonight DOES NOT warrant an immediate bath. You act as if I was planning on walking around our nice home covered in red sauce for the rest of my life. I was not going to “spread your nice red sauce all over our nice new carpets.” Not for a single second was I planning on “sleeping in a bed full of spaghetti and meatball,” who do you think I am? Do you think the idea of soap is foreign to me? Why are you so afraid of the pasta sauce I happen to have spilled on myself? As you dragged me up the stairs and tossed me into the already filled bathtub with your superhuman strength, I said to myself, this is the final straw.

Everyday you somehow manage to find a reason to force me into that tub of shame.

You won’t even let me have a pudding as you fear I will encounter what you keep referring to as a “pudding mistake.” There

is no reason a little pudding spillage should land me a full hour in the dreaded bath.

So, today marks the day I’m fighting back, today’s the day your little boy gets rancid.

You better be ready to say goodbye to hygiene, because I’m becoming the smelliest boy who’s ever lived.

The first few days will be normal but, once my stench arrives, I plan on making it worse every single day. I will swim in the mud, I will pour last week’s red sauce in my pants, and I will sit in front of our heater until I’m pouring sweat. By week two, my teachers will call; they will say your little boy is stinking up their classroom. They will tell you that I leave permanent grease marks on everything I touch. I will rack up thousands of dollars in damages thanks to my horrible stench. You can’t stop this. You caused this.

My stench will be unavoidable: no matter where you go, my odor will follow. By merely breathing in your car, I will bring its value down to nothing. Every single repair shop will refuse to help you, as they fear the smell will attach itself to them.

Your career as a big wonderful business woman will end without fanfare. As the days go by, my stink will find its way onto your clothes. Your business partners will say “You smell of death. Your horseradish presence is making our stocks plunge. We hate what you are doing to our company.”

My unwashed body will force your little job into Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

I see you shaking your head, “Why can’t I just throw you in the tub with my big beefy arms like I always do?” You are a fool, mother. You think I haven’t thought ahead?

My first move was to destroy our water pump and the ghastly bathtub with a massive sledgehammer I bought from Home Depot with the birthday money I saved.

I also bought a full scuba suit to wear at night so you can’t surprise me with a jug of water you bought at CVS. Your boy is never getting clean again. Fuck you Mom. This is a stench that shall never leave. Now please, pass me some more spaghetti.

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