CEDAR FALLS, IA WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2, 2025
UNI squirrels to start cover band
“It’s nothing like Alvin and the Chipmunks,” says lead singer Aaron O’Squeaks.
CAMPUS LIFE
Total Diva Wenna Jestendorf dicusses the new addition of two slides to Schindler. SEE PAGE 7
SPORTS Madam Richard covers the recent additions to the WRC pool. #It’sSharks. SEE PAGE 9
JO MAMA
The Type of Girl You Wanna Chew All of My Bubblegum
As students walk across campus they can expect to hear the sweet symphonies of a new cover band. A few of the beloved UNI squirrels have banded together to cover the most popular songs of the early 2000s. They are calling themselves “Uncle Nutcracker.” Lead singer Aaron O’Squeaks says that the UNI squirrels have always had a love of singing.
“I was chillin’ at home with me bestie Simon and my little brother Tucker. We were playing Guitar Hero and it just clicked. We should start a band! ... and before you even
go there, NO this is nothing like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Those guys are posers and we are actually so cool and passionate about what we do.”
The trio has started to take on small gigs. Recently they preformed at local bar “Squiddy’s.” UNI music major, Countess Wormz, said “While I get what they want to do, they just are not very good. I mean, why would they bring their whole Wii and Guitar Hero set-up to a public space like that? This is not music.”
Simon Chatter, bass player, says “We have definitely heard all the complaints that we ‘don’t know what we are doing’ and ‘aren’t good at play-
ing,’ but all I have to say is, God forbid a red squirrel catch a vibe. I mean, we are trying!”
Tucker O’Squeaks said, “At the end of the day, we are so passionate about what we do. Eventually, we will find our niche and then all these haters will be in our rearview mirror.”
It is unknown if the trio will get any more opportunities to play. They were booked to preform at NRP’s Little Table show, but after the local backlash, they were dropped from the show’s roster. The UNI Yik Yak channel has had nothing but negative things to say.
To learn more about the band, you can find them in a tall pine tree on campus.
UNI encourages students to sprint as fast as humanly possible to classes, exams and work
ESHTOOGLE JOHOONSYUN
DIET COKE LOVER!!!
As of recently, many unnamed UNI officials have recommended that students sprint to their final destinations.
One unnamed official mentioned that participating in sprinting on a daily basis can help students get rid of any anxieties they may have about school, relationships and working.
Unnamed offical said, “When you see one student sprinting, there’s a high possibility someone else will feel the confidence to do the
same, which is the goal.”
While the sprinting epidemic is set to be popular among faculty and staff, students may not be so eager to step on the gas. As the academic year continues, we edge closer to the end. Some students find it difficult to start new challenges before the semester ends.
Freshman Haywood Jalikeadietcoke said “I can understand why UNI officials are encouraging us to be active, but maybe they could do it in a way that doesn’t feel embarrassing.”
While Jalikeadietcoke is
one of many students who is unsure about the encouragement, some students are feeling positive about a new college-wide event that can bring students closer together.
Senior Future Deevorcee noted how their last year has been absent of one thing, which would be a major event.
“The 150th anniversary of UNI is next year, and I’ll miss that ... but at least I’m able to have a nice sprint break in between my art history classes and my rhetoric classes!”
NEWS BRIEFS
The University of Northern Iowa Wellness and Recreation Center has planned a “Campanile Climbing” event, where students can scale the historic building and view Cedar Falls from upper heights.
Avid rock wall climber and UNI student Booger Inyanose feels excited for this event. “I’ve always wanted to climb the Campanile, but I feared it was a felony.”
While many UNI students are looking forward to this event, some students have concerns about the safety precautions.
Senior Melanie Farts said, “I don’t know how they’re planning to safely attach ropes to the Campanile, so I won’t be participating … but I’ll still watch!”
The event will take place on April 4, and will run from 12:49 a.m. to 1:57 p.m.
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear loyal readers,
We are deeply sorry to all the people who missed the sudoku last week. In our defense, you can search the word “sudoku” and find approximatly 250,000,000 sudoku puzzles available online.
With Panther Pride, The NI staff
COURTESY/JO MAMA
TOTALLY RELIABLE
Hand-to-hand combat tourney scheduled due to worries of rising parking rates
ESHETELLE JOHNDAUGHTER Avid Farter
UNI recently announced that all parking pass prices will go up for the upcoming year. Though, there is an alternative to spending absurd amounts of money on a pothole-filled parking spot. Students, faculty and staff can participate in a university-wide battle for their preferred passes.
UNI President Mark Nook refused to comment on the event, looking pale and anxious when asked if he would be participating alongside students for his parking pass.
Many UNI students are eager to participate, to show how upset they are by the consistent raising of prices of everything on campus. Food in Maucker Union is more expensive than it was, and daily essentials like laundry detergent and toothpaste are price jacked.
Junior Giggles McGee said “I already give this university thousands of dollars to take random classes, and now they’re messing with parking passes … I will bat -
tle anyone to save $100.”
There are hundreds of students who are looking forward to this battle taking place at UNI. One being sophomore Pick-Inn Maboogers, who is the president of the artsy fartsy club on campus. Maboogers said, “I’m really excited for this battle to take place, I am planning on being involved — I just hope that we can all be friends after it is done.”
Not all students are supportive of the battle. Freshman Usedaddi Money said “This is such an overreaction, just ask your parents for the money to get the pass you want, duh … I will not be ruining my fresh manicure fighting over oneand-a-half Lululemon shirts worth of money.”
Student Privv Lidge added to Money’s thoughts, saying “I literally just don’t understand why you guys would fight over this, $100 is half a day of shopping … I’ll pay that any day, so I can park my brand-new white Jeep Wrangler close to my dorm.”
While there are ranging emotions about this event, the overall participation number is looking to be high. Out of the 9,000 plus UNI students, roughly 7,000 students are planning on either attending or participating. In order to make
this a fair battle, the event is located in the UNI-Dome — and will take place on the football field. As renovations are underway for the UNI-Dome remodel, there is no better time to battle on the field than before it is replaced. It will likely be
the most heated battle that field has seen since Panther Football rocked the ’90s. Planners of the event, Senior Tummi Hurtz and Junior Ineed Atums came up with the idea when discussing the rising cost of passes with their peers. “I think if students are truly desperate enough for a parking pass, we’ll see that come out in the arena,” said Atums. Students are not encouraged to practice any extreme physical violence during this event. Hurtz and Atums noted that students who come bare-handed will be forced to wear absurdly giant inflatable boxing gloves. While minor roughhousing will be tolerated, no blood shall be drawn. The event takes place at 11:19 p.m. on Thursday, April 17, inside of the UNI-Dome. Only those who have pre-registered may enter the gates. Find out more about the Battle of Parking Passes at uni.edu/ parkingpassbattle2025.
UNI pending approval to create new home for campus squirrels on home of former West Gym
Not Three Squirrels in a Trench Coat
After over a year of sitting vacant, UNI tore down the long standing West Gym last summer and the lot has sat empty since. However, that is soon to change. Pending board approval, UNI is set to begin construction on a one-of-a-kind new building on campus. But this building won’t benefit students or faculty, it will instead benefit the campus’s four-legged friendly rodents.
For years now, campus
squirrels have been spotted around campus when the weather gets warmer. But when the Iowa weather gets colder, students get sad not being able to see the squirrels. Recently, the squirrels have expressed concern for a new place to live during these trying times. “The squirrels deserve the same high quality living that our students have,” stated university president Nark Mook. “This new home for them will allow just that.”
Blueprints of the new building were leaked last week and show the new home
for the squirrels. The giant tower will feature rooms that include an in room tree for each squirrel, the new building will include an unlimited supply of nuts and seeds and a large in-ground swimming pool. There will also be large floor to ceiling windows on the south side of the building allowing for natural light for the squirrels to enjoy.
With this being said, students are in a divide about this new building for the squirrels. On one hand, some students are overjoyed that the squirrels will be around year-round now, whereas
COURTESY/DAVID O’SQUEAKS
A mockup of the building was leaked to the public. The building is planned to be 200 feet tall.
other students are angry. “I know people really like the squirrels, but I am just not a fan of them and would prefer if they stayed off campus during the cold months.” stated UNI student and avid squirrel fearer Amy Stake. Nark Mook addressed students’ concerns at a recent press conference, stating that “At the end of the day we want to do our best to accommodate all members of the UNI community, even those who reside outdoors and in the trees.”
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FLINT/ANNE STEELE
While not all student are worried about the increased prices, some have gotten so worried a hand-to-hand combat tournament has been scheduled in the UNI-Dome. Jack Black has been kidnapped for this event.
GEMMA EASTENWORF
Mookie announces UNI will remain open every day of the next academic year
KLINKY BALEHAMMER future employed person
“It’s incredibly important now, more than ever, that UNI remains open every day of the school year,” said UNI President Nark Mookie at a press conference this week. The university, ahead of the 2025-2026 academic year, announced that it will remain open everyday of the academic year, despite possible weather conditions. “I think it’s safe to say at this point in time, we’re going to remain open and hold classes every scheduled day the next academic year.”
This past academic year classes were not fully cancelled, UNI administered late-starts and an online day due to fraught weather conditions. But, despite this, UNI
says that the weather conditions are “no match” for the educational plague facing UNI students right now –basic spelling and grammar mistakes. “It’s taken over our student body,” said Mookie. “It’s incredibly important that we handle this issue with optimism and radical aggression. We must rid our campus of this disease.”
Mookie made a reference to a popular account that posts content for UNI students. “There was an Instagram account that posted a photo after we administered a late-start for the day,” Mookie told the Northern Iowan. “The post said ‘Like if you think classes should of been cancelled today.’”
According to Mookie, this post was just one of the linchpins in the University’s decision to keep the school open,
despite unknown weather conditions. “It’s a crisis,” an anonymous English professor told the Northern Iowan. “You wouldn’t believe what I’ve seen.”
According to the anonymous English professor, Mookie’s reference to the “should of” mistake is just the tip of the iceberg. This professor alleges that the average UNI student will use the incorrect version of your and you’re, or they’re, their and there at least once a day. “These students are 19, 20 years old,” said the anonymous professor. “And they’re making 5th grade level mistakes on a daily basis. I would agree emphatically that school should remain open, classes should remain open at any cost necessary.”
One freshman student, Grant Poland, noted that
despite classes remaining open, Poland doesn’t think it will impact the student body. “I mean, it doesn’t really matter,” Poland said, shrugging. “I can just ChatGPT it. Why does a spelling mistake even matter? They should know I’m smart.” The Northern Iowan’s interview with Poland was cut short when, after the interviewer’s third question, Poland began typing the question into ChatGPT and reading the AI-generated response as his own response. After the interviewer told Poland that the words the Northern Iowan uses in the article would need to be his own, Poland said, “I don’t care about spelling and grammar anyways. ChatGPT is always accurate.” The interviewer then pointed out that the ChatCPT response used an
incorrect version of the word “their,” and Poland immediately ended the interview.
“The well-being of our students is incredibly important to the university,” said Mookie. “That includes their academic well-being. Right now, maintaining and improving that is our first priority.”
The university has reported that they will disseminate further information regarding the schedule and possible weather conditions heading into the next academic year, as well as supplemental grammatical and spelling information for students of every major. These materials will be accessible in the Maucker Union and Rod Library at the beginning of the 2025-2026 academic year.
TC & TK reveal secret to social media success: removable fur thumbs!
HYDRANGEA NUMMIK
purple and gold enthusiast
Fans of the University of Northern Iowa’s beloved mascots, TC and TK Panther, were stunned this week when the dynamic duo finally addressed a long-standing mystery: How do they manage to run their booming Instagram account, @tcandtkpanther, with such remarkable efficiency? The answer? Removable fur thumbs.
In a shocking behindthe-scenes post, TC and TK
revealed that their oversized paws were hiding a game-changing secret all along. “We kept it under wraps for years,” TC said in an exclusive Northern Iowan interview (conducted entirely via Instagram DMs). “But with all the content we’re putting out, we knew it was time to come clean. Thumbs make the magic happen.”
According to mascot insiders, the detachable thumbs — covertly stored inside their jerseys when not in use — allow TC and TK to seamlessly scroll, swipe
and double-tap their way to social media dominance. Without them, sources say, the mascots would have had to rely on voice-to-text, which led to some concerning autocorrect incidents.
“It was a nightmare,” TK confessed. “One time we tried to post ‘Go Panthers!’ and ended up tweeting ‘Go Pants!!’ The damage was irreparable.”
The revelation has sent shockwaves through the mascot community, with rumors swirling that other university mascots may also
be concealing digital-friendly appendages. In response, UNI officials have reassured students that TC and TK’s high-tech thumbs are 100% NCAA compliant and were installed solely to enhance school spirit — not for unfair mascot advantages.
Students and alumni alike have expressed their admiration for the pair’s commitment to quality content. “I always wondered how they could keep up with the latest trends,” said sophomore Ellie Henderson. “Now I know they have an edge.
A very fuzzy, detachable edge.”
As for what’s next for TC and TK? The mascots teased a possible TikTok expansion, though the logistics of executing flawless dance trends with oversized paws remain a work in progress. “Let’s just say… the thumbs can only do so much,” TC admitted.
For now, fans can rest assured that their favorite feline influencers are just a tap away — thumbs and all. find the answers to these sudoku puzzles answers online!
N.I. EN ESPAÑOL
Nook habla sobre el programa de reciprocidad propuesto por UNI y las necesidades de la fuerza laboral de Iowa
BAILEY KLINKHAMMER Editora ejecutiva EMILY PREBIL
Traductora invitada, estudiante del curso SPAN 4045 Translation En su propuesta a la legislatura de Iowa de asignación de fondos, la Universidad del Norte de Iowa incluyó un programa de reciprocidad unilateral para permitir que los estudiantes de fuera de nuestro estado, procedentes de Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Dakota del Norte y del Sur, Nebraska y Missouri, paguen la misma matrícula que los estudiantes residentes de Iowa. El presidente de la universidad, Mark Nook, dice que esta propuesta implica un esfuerzo, no necesariamente para aumentar la matrícula de UNI, sino para aumentar la fuerza laboral de Iowa y, consecuentemente, la economía de Iowa.
Nook dice que una de las principales razones para establecer un programa de reciprocidad es que el 50% de los estudiantes de UNI de otros estados, después de graduarse, aceptarán su primer trabajo en Iowa. Por eso, UNI cree que, al aumentar la población estudiantil de fuera del estado, la fuerza laboral de Iowa podría ver un gran crecimiento en los próximos años. “Es por eso que trabajamos para encontrar una manera de lograr que más personas de los estados circundantes ven -
gan al estado de Iowa”, dijo Nook. “Ofrecer el mismo precio de matrícula que para los residentes es claramente una manera de que aumentemos el número de estudiantes que vendrán a UNI desde esos estados y, por lo tanto, pongamos más personas en la fuerza laboral, y eso nos ayudará a aumentar la población de Iowa”. Nook dice que la universidad proyecta que, a través de este programa, el censo de UNI podría ver un aumento de 2.700 estudiantes en los próximos cinco años. Pero, con esta proyección de crecimiento en la matrícula de este programa, viene una proyección de pérdidas en los ingresos por matrícula de los estudiantes actuales. Debido a esto, la universidad ha pedido tres millones de dólares adicionales para su asignación de fondos del estado de Iowa, lo que actualmente está siendo estudiado por parte del Comité de Asignaciones de Fondos de Iowa. Según Nook, los tres millones de dólares adicionales en fondos son para cubrir las pérdidas por los actuales 450 estudiantes de fuera del estado que comenzarían a pagar el precio de residentes, y esa solicitud no aumentaría a medida que más estudiantes de fuera del estado se inscriban en UNI. ¿El retorno de la inversión
para el estado? Según Nook, los datos demuestran que, con el programa de reciprocidad propuesto, UNI podría agregar casi 300 trabajadores a la fuerza laboral de Iowa cada año. Nook cree que los beneficios para la economía y la fuerza laboral de Iowa implicarían un claro incentivo para continuar la inversión por parte de la legislatura de Iowa. Nook también señala que esta propuesta de programa de reciprocidad es solo una de las muchas maneras en que UNI continúa evaluando las necesidades de la fuerza laboral de Iowa y buscando formas de satisfacer esas necesidades. Según Nook, el Departamento de Desarrollo de la Fuerza Laboral de Iowa publica una lista de los 10 empleos que requieren un título de bachillerato con la mayor cantidad de vacantes en los próximos 10 años. El número uno en esa lista es enfermería. “Nuestro nuevo programa de enfermería fue creado precisamente para ayudar a resolver ese problema”, dijo Nook. Luego, después de enfermería, el Iowa Workforce Development reporta ofertas de empleo en educación y negocios, dos sectores por los que Nook dice que se conoce a UNI. “Si quieres ser maestro o maestra, UNI es definitivamente donde quieres estar. Si quieres ser
contable, UNI es definitivamente donde quieres estar”, dijo Nook.
Además de la bajada potencial del costo de la matrícula para los estudiantes de estados vecinos de Iowa, Nook dice que UNI ofrece una miríada de oportunidades para que los estudiantes de pregrado reciban una educación de calidad. La oportunidad de que los estudiantes compitan en deportes de División 1, el Centro de Artes Escénicas GallagherBluedorn y los programas de música y teatro son sólo algunas oportunidades que Nook cree que son vitales para la experiencia de pregrado de UNI. Pero, más allá de algunas de esas actividades extracurriculares proporcionadas por UNI, Nook cree que lo que realmente atraerá a estudiantes de fuera del estado
a UNI es la calidad de la educación. “Es un campus donde los profesores y el personal están realmente enfocados en el éxito de nuestros estudiantes”, dijo Nook. “Puedes crecer como persona, puedes crecer profesionalmente, y estás apoyado por una facultad y un personal que realmente llegan a conocerte y se preocupan por ti en una gran medida”.
Por el momento, la legislatura de Iowa sigue considerando las asignaciones de fondos. Nook anticipa que la universidad sabrá en algún momento a mediados de abril si es capaz de avanzar con la propuesta del programa de reciprocidad y ofrecer el precio de matrícula de residentes a los estudiantes que residen en estados vecinos de Iowa.
Cortesía/Des Moines Register
El presidente Mark Nook es querido por los estudiantes, lo que resalta la importancia de su trabajo y su comunicación con todos nosotros.
Cortesía/Des Moines Register
Disclaimer:
KAILEY BINKJAMMER
She has pink eye right now
As the second legislative funnel approaches this legislative session, Iowa lawmakers have made one thing clear: “We want what’s worst for everyone.” Iowa lawmakers, in a statement specifically regarding public regent institutions, said “We don’t care if your programs become unaccredited, you should’ve thought about that before you asked to fund your biology program.”
Despite the glaring statement of discontent for their constituents, Iowa pollsters still expect nearly half of the lawmakers who co-signed the statement to win their district in a landslide during their re-election season.
“It’s not something a lot of Iowans pay attention to,” an anonymous pollster told the Northern Iowan.
In line with the lawmakers’ statement, more and more upsetting occurrences continue within the Iowa legislature. Possible funding slashes, legislated education, book banning, civil rights repeals and continued persecution of DEI initiatives await voting by the Iowa House of Representatives and the Senate.
“I mean, generally, we just want to make life a little less enjoyable for Iowans,” said Rep. Nunya in a chamber debate earlier this week. “Specifically for those attending school at a regent university. We truly have the power to make their education become more and more worthless every day, despite the fact that we’ll moan and groan about worker shortages.” Nunya references how legislation that repeals civil rights for transgender Iowans has led some Iowans to flee the state, creating even greater employment gaps than there were prior.
“We don’t really care if we’re creating a sinkhole, because we aren’t the ones that will suffocate in it,” said Nunya.
The general Iowan public remains incredibly loyal to the state,
Iowa lawmakers: “We want what’s worst for everyone.”
but the recent legislation and statement made by the legislature has some Iowan undergraduate students questioning their decision to continue their education and career in Iowa. “I’ve lived here all my life, I go to school here, I planned on raising a family here,” said student Anne Bowers. “But now, because of some of the disregard from Iowa lawmakers, I’m considering moving out of Iowa for the first time in my life.” Bowers also discussed how Iowa legislators don’t consider how their decisions impact Iowans, therefore impacting the workforce. “Some don’t see it. Some really don’t. But those who do –we aren’t a small minority. Iowa legislators risk running dedicated Iowans out of the state because they simply don’t care.”
“Because no one’s going to do anything about it,” said Nunya,
when asked why legislators felt the need to make their statement. “Who’s going to vote us out? Not our Iowans. They’ll just vote for the incumbent that’s advocating to take their granddaughter’s rights away.” Nunya also made a reference to stripping away women’s rights that have only been established recently in the history of Iowan legislation, such as women being able to have bank accounts independently from their husbands. “No one pays attention to that stuff, but someone has to,” said Bowers.
Nunya noted he didn’t think anyone ever really would pay attention to the Iowa legislature the way Bowers implies. “It’s the way things have always been in Iowa,” Nunya laughed. “Iowa lawmakers wanting what’s worst for Iowans isn’t anything new. This is just the first time we’ve said it out
loud.”
According to Nunya, lawmakers are already thinking ahead to the next legislative session, considering what they can propose to the Iowa legislature regarding the regent universities. “Since we really enjoy squashing the joy of undergraduate students, I know there was talk of possibly legislating the university mascots,” said Nunya. “Get rid of TC and TK, Herky, and maybe replace them with something more American, like a bald eagle or a pilgrim ... again, we really just like making things less enjoyable and easy for undergraduate students. Why do they even need TC? He’s kind of childish, when you really think about it.”
The second legislative funnel comes at the end of this week. This means that for legislation to remain alive in the Iowa
chambers, legislation will have to have passed out of it’s respective assigned committee. Then, it will be placed on the legislative calendar and voted on by it’s respective chamber, and then sent to either the Iowa Senate, or Governor Kim Reynolds’s desk, depending on which chamber is voting on the piece of legislation.
CONTINUE READING THE FRENCH FRY ON NORTHERNIOWAN.COM
A band of squirrels, WRC updates and a statement from President Mookie can be found on the Northern Iowan’s website, northerniowan.com.
COURTESY/IOWA LEGISLATIVE ARCHIVES
The old capitol building resides on the University of Iowa’s campus.
UNI’s Campanile announces fall 2025 switch to 100% dubstep remixes
In a shocking announcement that is already reverberating through the quad (quite literally), the University of Northern Iowa’s iconic Campanile has revealed it will be switching to playing only dubstep remixes starting in Fall 2025. The decision, which was made in a late-night board meeting, promises to “revolutionize” the student experience and bring a “new level of excitement” to campus.
“This is going to be a game-changer,” said Dr. Skyler Bassdrop, chair of the Department of Sound Culture and Vibrations. “We’ve been observing the trends in music and it's clear that students these days want less Beethoven and more bass. Why should our campus be any different?”
While the clock tower has been playing the traditional Westminster chimes since its inception, the new dubstep program will feature hits from Skrillex, Flux Pavilion and an entire playlist curated by DJ Dome Raver — an up-andcoming sensation in the underground dubstep scene.
“We wanted to provide a soundscape that aligns with the modern university experience: confusing, loud and
occasionally disorienting,”
Dr. Bassdrop continued. “And dubstep? It's just so ... disruptive. Perfect for the times.”
The transition, however, hasn’t been universally welcomed. Several long-time faculty members are questioning whether it’s the right decision. “What’s next? The glee club only performs trap music?” said Professor Eleanor Hardtack from the History Department. “I’ve been coming to this campus for 30 years and
I’m not sure I’m ready to hear Bassnectar at 9 a.m. every day.”
Despite the backlash, the university has defended the decision as “forward-thinking.” Campus officials have been working closely with a number of student organizations to ensure the new sound direction will be met with enthusiasm, particularly the Campus Rave Club and the recently formed Beat Drop Society.
“The sound of the Cam-
panile is meant to unify students,” said Dean of Student Engagement Marissa Wubstep. “We want to make sure every student on this campus feels seen, heard and ... well, felt with the vibrations. We’re excited to see how this will enhance the overall campus vibe.”
In preparation for the fall switch, the university will be hosting a “Dubstep Chimea-thon” in April, where students can submit their own
remixes of the Campanile’s chimes. Winners will have their versions played every hour on the hour, guaranteeing a fresh sound for every class, and, of course, a free pair of noise-cancelling headphones for those who may want to not hear the daily tunes.
Some students are already looking forward to the change. “I can’t wait for my 8 a.m. to start with a 5-minute Skrillex remix of the hour chime,” said sophomore Tyler Bangerz. “I just hope they make it a banger drop, not like a weak intro. I’ll be very disappointed if it’s just some low energy drop, like, ‘nah bro, this needs more wubs.”
While the Campanile’s decision is bold, it is also part of the university’s broader initiative to keep students awake, alert and fully aware of their vibes. For the rest of campus, it remains to be seen whether they’ll embrace the change or become long-term subscribers to the earplugs club. Regardless, one thing is certain: 2025 will be the year of the drop.
Stay tuned for updates on the university's upcoming “Drop the Bass” orientation event.
Students who don’t participate in Panther Friday to be booted from campus
Every Friday, UNI celebrates the infamous “Panther Friday.” It encourages students to show their Panther spirit by wearing their Panther gear. “It’s a great way to end the week and get students excited about being a Panther,” stated Peter Morisson.
However, in recent months participation in Panther Friday has significantly dropped. With the changing of seasons students are just not feeling the “Go Cats” spirit they once were. But Morisson and University President Nark Mook are determined to make that change.
Starting the 2025-2026 academic year, the university is implimenting a number of procedures to boost Panther morale.
One way they are hoping to boost this morale is by
requiring students and faculty to participate in Panther Friday. A new strike system will be put in place. This will require students to participate in Panther Fridays at least twice a month, and submit their Panther Friday looks to the university’s new site www.gocatsfridays.com. If the student fails to meet these requirements, after two strikes and a hug from TC, the student faces the risk of being shunned by the university.
“This is not an easy decision,” stated Mook. “But we need our Panther spirit back to where it once was and we believe this is the key to getting students’ Panther spirit back up.”
In addition to this new strike system, the university will also begin to implement a number of requirements to maintain that “Go Cats” spirit. UNI Spirit Squads will line the sidewalks every Friday afternoon and a
Students who feel that they cannot adhere to these requirements are encouraged to transfer to avoid
monthly pep rally will occur in McLeod Center where a monthly mandated interlude session will happen.
“We believe that these new procedures will significantly boost the “Go Cats” spirit and make UNI a place where everyone can truly
embrace their school spirit,” stated Morrison.
Students who feel they cannot uphold these “Go Cats” requirements are encouraged to begin looking at the transfer process before these new procedures are implemented.
MILLY LUNNATICK certified living person
NORTHERN IOWAN/MILLY LUNNATICK
“This is going to be a game-changer,” stated Dr. Skyler Bassdrop when asked about the new dubstep remixes.
JENNIFER WESTERN slayer
NORTHERN IOWAN/JENNIFER WESTERN
possible consequences.
Giant slide to be installed at Schindler Education Center
WENNA JESTENDORF Real Life Diva
In a sudden move from the university, more construction (no surprise there) will be coming to UNI. Starting immediately, construction will begin on a new giant slide coming from the Schindler Education Center. This sudden decision was mistakenly made when a group of squirrels snuck into the center and hijacked the computers to change the plans. However, despite this odd mixup, the plans have been approved and construction will begin soon.
Taking inspiration from
the giant slide at the Iowa State Fair, the slide will start on the roof of the education center and will come out near the doors of the Student Health Center. There will be both a swirly slide and long slide, both of course will be purple and gold, a great way to show off the university’s colors.
“We think that having a slide will be a great way to boost the engagement of education students at UNI,” stated Dean of the College of Education Molleen Culhilland. “The education center is a great place to have this new slide since a lot of our current stu-
dents will go on to work with younger groups of people.”
Despite how excited faculty are about this new addition to the education center, it seems that students are divided. In a mix of confusion and excitement, one student expressed their clear excitement about the new slide. “Adding a slide to the education center was not on my 2025 bingo card,” stated excited UNI student Joey McClan. “But I am actually so excited, I think that this will make students in the education field even more excited to get in a real classroom and start teaching.”
On the other hand, some students are confused as to why a university of all places, would want to add a giant slide. “It just seems odd to me,” stated other UNI student who’s not even in the education field, Robin Banks. “I mean, I guess I can see why people are excited, but I just don’t get it. Not gonna lie, it's just flat out weird.”
The education center will be partnering with other deparments on campus like the science departments to do research. They will use various factors like the height and weight of the person on the
slide to conduct research on how these factors affect your speed on the slide. “This is a great opportunity for us to collaborate with a department on campus that we wouldn’t normally work with,” says a representative from the science department.
When the slide opens, it will be available exclusively for education students. However, plans are currently in the works for a grand opening where TC and TK will make an appearance.
Stay tuned for more information on this exciting new development!
NORTHERN IOWAN/WENNA JESTENDORF
There will be both a swirly slide and a longer slide, and students will be able to race to see which slide is the fastest.
CAMPUS LIFE
Union Station transforms into Iowa’s first jumbo tenderloin station!
LIZARD MUNN
Not actually a lizard
In a move that has shocked the campus community, the University of Northern Iowa has announced that the beloved Union Station Sandwich Co. in Maucker Union will be undergoing a complete transformation into Iowa’s first-ever Jumbo Tenderloin Station.
Citing overwhelming student demand for “more fried, less fresh,” university officials have decided to replace deli sandwiches with deep-fried Iowa classics.
“The students have spoken and we’re listening,” said a UNI Dining representative.
“The sub game was strong, but it’s time to embrace the true spirit of Iowa cuisine: breaded,
oversized pork tenderloins that extend well beyond the bun.”
The new establishment, dubbed TenderUNI, will serve only one item — the colossal pork tenderloin sandwich— but with a variety of customization options, including extra breading, double-fried and “Mega Mode,” which requires two trays just to carry it.
Additionally, the university plans to install ‘Tenderloin Lockers’ across campus where students can store unfinished portions of their meals for later consumption. “We understand that a single sandwich can feed an entire dorm floor,” the representative added. “We want to ensure no bite goes to waste.”
While many students are
thrilled by the change, some are skeptical. “I mean, I love a good tenderloin, but do we really need a sandwich so big it requires a separate meal plan?” asked one concerned sophomore. Others, however, are already preparing for the transition. “I’m skipping arm day at the gym,” said one excited senior. “Lifting these tenderloins will be all the workout I need.”
Construction on TenderUNI will begin immediately, with plans to unveil the first “Titan Tenderloin” before finals week — because nothing fuels an all-nighter like two pounds of deep-fried pork. Stay tuned for updates and get ready to embrace the pork revolution!
President Nook exposed: secret BookTok star and owner of mysterious local bookstore
For years, students have speculated about President Mark Nook’s hobbies. Some thought he was a quiet fisherman, others assumed he spent his evenings perfecting the art of bread baking. But thanks to an anonymous tip - and a very distinct pair of reading glassesthe Northern Iowan can now confirm: President Nook is secretly running a wildly popular BookTok account and is the stealthy owner of a cozy, indie bookstore — fittingly named "The Nook."
Under the alias @ RomantasyNook, the university president has amassed a cult-like following on TikTok, passionately reviewing the latest romantasy novels. From swooning over morally gray fae princes to ranking the best “enemies-to-lovers” slow burns, his commentary is as fiery as the dragon-riding heroines he champions. “If the love interest isn’t at least 500 years old and brooding, I don’t want him,” he declares in a recent viral video, clutching a copy of “A Court of Thorns” and Roses like it’s a university enrollment report.
Despite the online fame, Nook’s connection to the local bookstore remained
hidden—until now. Located in downtown Cedar Falls,
In an exclusive Northern iowan interview, Nook neither confirmed nor denied the allegations of his Romantasy Tiktok account. the phrase “This reminds me of my presidency” scrawled in the margins—was the final clue linking Nook to the literary lair.
“The Nook” has long been rumored to have an owner shrouded in secrecy. Employees claimed they’d never met the proprietor in person, only receiving handwritten notes signed “M.N.” But the discovery of a carefully annotated copy of Fourth Wing — featuring
When approached for comment, President Nook neither confirmed nor denied the allegations. Instead, he simply adjusted his glasses, smiled knowingly and whispered, “Plot twist.”
In light of this revelation, students are now rallying to rename the campus library “The Real Nook.” Meanwhile, rumors swirl that the president’s next BookTok deep dive will feature “Howl’s Moving Castle “— sparking speculation that he may, in fact, be a wizard.
Stay tuned for more
updates and in the meantime, support your local bookstore. You never know who might own it.
NORTHERN IOWAN/MILLY LUNNATICK UNI will make the move to “more fried, less fresh” according to a university official.
MILLYIAN LUNNI
Mark Nooks biggest fan
NORTHERN IOWAN/MILLY LUNNATICK
Transfer portal madness: Panthers lose all their student-athletes
COCO FOR COCO PUFFS
Sharky’s Karaoke Champion
The University of Northern Iowa’s Athletic Department has announced that every single student-athlete at UNI has entered the transfer portal. The news breaks on April 1, and comes to the surprise of many, including one of UNI’s most loyal fans.
“I was fishing on the Cedar River when I found out about the news,” Sen Jacobben said to sources. “I even dropped my pole in the water. That’s how shocked I was.”
The reason for transferring differs from each team. For the football team, it was food driven. They were upset at Piazza dining center when they stopped serving bagels in the morning. It was reported that the entire defensive line was late for their workout because they got in a yelling match with Piazza staff, who told them to “eat something else.” In response to this, the football coaches punished the whole team by taking away their coat privileges and making them walk through all the wind tunnels on campus.
The brutal punishment was the last straw for many, who now look for a new home through the portal.
For the soccer team, they have been in an ongoing battle with campus parking. Many players are upset with the lack of parking spots at UNI, and the abundance of parking police. One player even said that the parking police at UNI need to “get a life and stop pestering
broke college kids with parking tickets.”
For the cross country and track teams, entering the transfer portal was a mistake for many. On the teams run Monday afternoon, they ended up getting lost, and instead of turning back, they just kept running. They ended up making it all the way to Birmingham, Alabama, home of UAB. Instead of
coming back to Cedar Falls, the team enjoyed the weather so much that they decided to stay there. Forever.
For the mens and womens basketball teams, they were upset with the lack of students who showed up to games this season. They said the atmosphere for the ISU women and Drake men games were good, but besides that, the student turnout was “mid.”
They also added that they couldn’t play in an arena sized hot tub.
For the volleyball and wrestling teams, the reason for leaving was because they were too good for UNI. After winning their third straight MVC title, the volleyball team is off to train for the olympic team trials. As for the wrestling team, they will all be transitioning to the WWE.
The swim and dive team has left the school after University President Mark Nook thought it would be a good idea to put a live shark in the WRC pool, leaving the team nowhere to practice. The tennis team is also done after someone’s dog raided the tennis closet, taking all their tennis balls.
Safe to say that the state of UNI athletics is cooked. Luckily, 90% of college athletes around the country are also in the transfer portal, so the Panthers still have a chance to make a splash through that. Otherwise, they’ll have to recruit from neighboring colleges like Wartburg and Hawkeye and, if that’s the case, they’re really cooked.
COURTESY/MARK NOOK’S SCHOOL
THERE’S NOBODY IN THE LOCKER ROOM!
Panthers add competitive eating as an NCAA sanctioned sport
FARTER GUST Smart Fella
On Tuesday, April 1, the University of Northern Iowa announced it will welcome a new sport: competitive eating, in the fall of 2025.
Popularized by professionals like Joey Chestnut and influencers like Matt Stonie, competitive eating is the fastest-growing sport in the United States. Since 2010, the sport has grown over 30% in popularity, evidenced by the Major Eating League’s new $5 billion television rights deal with ESPN. As the competitive eating boom sweeps over America, universities across the country are capitalizing on a new opportunity for their student-athletes.
The Missouri Valley Conference joins the growing list of college conferences adding competitive eating to their list of official school sports. With so many new fans and athletes hoping to get in the mix, the NCAA recently released a statement regarding the rules for the sport.
“Athletes will be given a starting signal before eating as much of the designated item as possible in 15 minutes. For the Fall 2025 season, Costco Wholesale will supply chicken bakes and double chunk chocolate cookies as the competition
food. That deserves five BIG BOOMS! Athletes can also drink as much water as they want during the period. Athletes may eat however they choose, but throwing up disqualifies them from the competition and results in an automatic loss. Should there be a tie in the number
of chicken bakes or cookies consumed, judges will decide which contestant left the least amount of crumbs behind before determining a winner.”
To comply with Title IX federal civil rights law, UNI will offer both men’s and women’s competitive eat -
ing next year and pledge 10 full-ride scholarships to each squad. The university has also commissioned a new scouting department for the program. Northern Iowa competitive eating scouts now travel the country searching for the best up-and-coming eaters,
especially those with a high takedown percentage of chicken bakes and double chunk chocolate cookies.
247 Sports and ESPN have also unveiled new competitive eating rankings for the class of 2025, with each site soon releasing rankings up until the class of 2027.
In an interview with an unnamed five-star Iowa high school competitive eater, he expressed his gratitude for receiving an offer to eat for the University of Northern Iowa.
“I’m just so blessed for the opportunity to eat for this school. Cedar Falls has an electric eating community, and I’m ready to help build a storied program here. Let’s get the McLeod Center loud!”
With such hype and anticipation growing around the sport, it would be no surprise if competitive eating takes over the college sports world. It may even surpass football and basketball in NIL donations. Of course, the transfer portal will be a dynamic topic regarding the financial and cultural scene of the sport. Still, we must wait and see how that affects the future of college competitive eating athletics. One thing is for sure, though. Get ready to BRING THE BOOM to the McLeod Center next fall!
Volleyball announces new method for games
NIHIILL DESERT Fart Smella
In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the volleyball community, the NCAA announced today that all collegiate volleyball matches will now be played with a standard party balloon instead of a traditional volleyball. This rule change, set to take effect immediately, is being heralded as a way to “increase the excitement and unpredictability” of the game. The NCAA also addressed logistical concerns, confirming that balloons would be regulation-sized, helium-free and reinforced to withstand competitive play — though they did acknowledge occasional unexpected pops could result in a ‘reset’ of play. This will cause a lot
of excitement and bring a level of play to the game of volleyball that no one has
While this has many people in a frenzy, many
believe this will be a fun change for the game of volleyball and could offer
some new insight. Games are expected to take up to four hours now, so people can just spend their days watching volleyball and not have to worry about anything else. The NCAA is hoping this will bring more traction to the game with a new aspect to perceive. The change is expected to go into effect for the 2025-26 season and will have some fun new rules to go along with it. For each game, there will be multiple different colored balloons that will each signify how many points you will earn. Also, if a balloon pops in your possession as a player, you will be eliminated and your team is expected to play with one less player. The NCAA is excited for this change and is looking forward to seeing what will come from it.
COURTESY/MARK NOOK’S SCHOOL
THERE’S JOEY CHESTNUT OUT-EATING DRAKE IN THE MCLEOD CENTER!
COURTESY/MARK NOOK’S SCHOOL
THEY’RE PLAYING VOLLEYBALL WITH A BALLOON!
McLeod Center set to become giant hot tub after Panthers in Paradise
MIKEY SPA DAY Plasma Donor
If you plan on attending a Northern Iowa volleyball or basketball game you better pack your swimsuit.
Next semester, the Panthers will always be in paradise, as the McLeod Center seating will become a giant hot tub. The seating changed after a successful Panthers in Paradise event.
The tropical weekend totaled 4,809 attendees for the men’s basketball game against Illinois State. Fans were given Hawaiian leis and sunglasses at the gate. Staff in the McLeod Center also participated with purple Hawaiian shirts.
The dimensions are in the works. The giant hot tub will reportedly have jet streams and purple and gold lights.
Hall of Fame Quarterback and UNI alum Kurt Warner has high hopes for the hot tub seating. “I can’t wait,” said Warner. “This is bet -
ter than making it to two Super Bowls and winning an MVP.”
The hot tub seating
includes other conventional elements. The courtside seating in the McLeod Center will be a lazy river
that winds around the court. A swim-up bar is expected to be implemented, allowing fans easy access
to refreshments. The expansion will also include plans for a giant bucket of water at the top of the stadium. The bucket will release water onto all fans in attendance if the Panthers win.
It’s been reported that the volleyball team will play with a balloon ball instead of their normal ball. The basketball teams are expected to play with a fullsized water balloon.
Northern Iowa fans wonder if this is safe, but NCAA commissioner Charlie Baker seems to be okay with it.
“This is something I’ve never seen before during my time in athletics,” said Baker. “This will bring a unique experience to Panther fans and we hope that it will revolutionize the way they watch sporting events.”
The Panthers are the first and only team in the NCAA to ever do this, and probably the only one’s who ever will. Plans for construction are set to being after the UNI Dome is completed.
WRC to add shark to the pool
MADAM RICHARD Baja Blast Enthusiast
Rumors have been circulating around campus that the University is making the WRC pool salt water. This has sent UNI students into a frenzy, as many are confused and even upset about the rumored change. UNI student Hugh Nicol, frequent pool user, is particularly concerned about this change.
“I go and swim in the pool every day from 1:15 to 1:47, and it is one of the best parts of my day. Unfortunately, I am not going to be able to do this anymore since they are apparently changing it to salt water. I swallow the chlorine more than I care to admit already, and do you know how much worse that would be if it’s salt water?”
Upset about the salt water or not, UNI students have now been given an answer to this puzzling rumored change. The pool is now officially going to be changed to salt water, and it is happening to welcome a new finned friend to campus. Starting on July 6, 2025, the beginning of Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, the WRC will have
THERE’S A SHARK IN THE POOL!
“We
for Shark Week. The summers are quiet here on campus, and I think that this would be a great way to bring students
back around for a week in the summertime.”
The whole pool will transition to salt water for Jeremy, but he will only be moving around the bottom half of the deep end. Swimmers will be able to swim above him, enjoying the view with no fear of being eaten. There will be a net keeping him secured down below. At 24 feet long and nearly 2,000 pounds, this does not seem like much space for him to swim around. President Nook is confident this will work, however, and even thinks the university could make it work long term.
“I think that the accommodations for Jeremy will be great, and that his visit will be a smashing success. If things go well enough, we have already talked about potentially keeping Jeremy around long term.”
At 23 years old, Jeremy would certainly have a chance to spend a lot of time as a member of the UNI community. Greenland sharks can live up to 500 years, so if President Nook gets what he wants, Jeremy could be a staple at this university long after we are all gone.
Jeremy the greenland shark as a visitor. Jeremy will be on campus that whole week, and UNI President Mark Nook
seems to be excited about the visit.
are very excited to bring Jeremy to our campus
COURTESY/MARK NOOK’S SCHOOL
COURTESY/MARK NOOK’S SCHOOL
THERE’S A HOT TUB IN THE MCLEOD CENTER!
