Film

from Northern Express - November 15, 2021

Nitelife

They say nothing gold can stay. And alas, so is the case with Eternals, what is without a doubt the worst Marvel movie of the MCU era (i.e. it’s not as bad as Fantastic Four). This is a film so lifeless and flat, it truly makes me wonder if we’ve hit the bottom of the barrel when it comes to mining new Marvel source material.

Following an opening scroll of utter nonsense, as the film pathetically tries to set the stage for what is to come, it is painfully clear within only a few minutes just how dumb this movie is. And worst of all, you still have 2.5 more hours to go. This is an almost a surreal, out-of-body viewing experience.

Eternals looks like a Marvel movie, it sounds like a Marvel movie, but something is profoundly off. It’s like watching an echo from a different timeline, or a Marvel movie as interpreted by an alien being.

Eternals takes us into the well-worn territory of introducing us to a group of superbeings, but this time there are TEN — count them, TEN superbeings. These immortal demigods have been sent by the “Prime Celestial,” Arishem, to protect us human earthlings from the “Deviants.” And no, I am not going to waste your or my time trying to explain what a “Prime Celestial” or “Deviant” is.

So they’ve been on Earth since pretty much the beginning of mankind, and sometime around 5,000 years ago, the Prime Celestials eradicated the Deviants but haven’t yet been called back to their home planet. So the group has scattered throughout the globe, moving about to hide the fact they never age. This then brings us to present day, where we focus in on Gemma Chan’s Sersi, who is gifted with the power of turning objects into other objects and lives in London with her fellow Eternal Sprite (Lia McHugh), a preadolescent who creates powerful illusions.

But then the Deviants return, and Sersi has to get the group back together, first reuniting with her ex-husband, Ikaris (Richard Madden), who can fly and shoot lasers with his eyes and to whom she was married for about 5,000 years, until he up and left her for unknown reasons.

Together they track down Kumail Nanjiani’s Kingo, who can shoot fire with his hands and has been passing himself off as a one-man Bollywood movie-star dynasty. Najiani, who famously got ripped for this role, never really shows off the fruits of those labors. Instead, we get a sub-par Bollywood dance number that goes on for an awkward amount of time. They also gather up the superfast Makkari (Lauren Ridloff); Druig (Barry Keoghan), who can control minds and emotions; Athena (Angelina Jolie), a super warrior; Gilgamesh (Don Lee), whose power I honestly can’t remember; and Phastos (Brian Tyree Henry), an inventor/engineer type who blames himself for Hiroshima. Yes, this movie is that ridiculous. Rounding out the group is their leader, Ajack (Salma Hayek), only seen in flashbacks.

There may be 10 superheroes, but I would’ve traded them all for just one that has any kind of depth or interest or emotion or personality. I do, however, love the diversity and representation the group brings to the screen. Yet with a gay hero, a deaf hero (not to mention Marvel’s first sex scene and first gay kiss), it feels like the movie is trying to fill a quota or check off boxes; there is no meaning driving the diversity. As lovely of a presence as Gemma Chan is, she cannot carry the weight of being the film’s emotional center. Angelina Jolie is laughable as a hero struggling with a memory disorder, so much so that this lifelong Angelina hater felt bad for her. Is it a serious mental condition or is it hilarious comic relief? The film seems to take the stance it can be both! And speaking of comic relief, Najiani tries his best with that trademark Marvel levity, to no avail. The film has such a terrible sense of humor that even when the rare joke does land, you won’t be moved to any kind of laughter.

Eternals is essentially a getting-the-bandback-together movie for, like, the first hour and a half, but you don’t like anyone in the band. Then there’s a big reveal that makes the narrative coherence they’ve worked so hard to build totally fall apart, just as you’re starting to finally accept the film’s reality. And for a movie where the fate of humanity hangs in the balance, there’s no real conflict pushing anything forward. It’s all tell and no show.

This is a shame, because moving over the course of 7,000 years, the scope is as epic as it comes. The film takes us to these very unique and fascinating cultures including ancient Babylon, Mesopotamia, and Tenochtitlan, but it’s all dull, boring CGI sameness that does nothing to enrich the story. The idea that this unseen group guided our myths and advances is so inherently compelling — as is the metaphysical exploration of the characters’ immortality and their search for purpose. But there is nothing remotely compelling about what we see.

Heck, when they find Druig, he’s running what appears to be a cultish kibbutz deep in the Amazon, but hey, the film instead chooses to focus on Cersi’s burgeoning relationship with her new human boyfriend (Kit Harrington), who incidentally seems completely unfazed that his girlfriend is an immortal space being. These were choices!

Marvel’s attempt to bring new voices and filmmakers into the fold has seen some success, but director Chloe Zhao cannot be counted among them. This follow-up to her Oscar-winning Nomadland, which made her the second woman to win best director, is a stunning disappointment. I don’t think Zhao, known for her lyrical indie spirit, was the most natural fit for the Marvel mold, but Eternals’ faults don’t really stem from Zhao’s spirit. It is clear Zhao understood the assignment; she just did a terrible job.