A 1950's Childhood in moss side the horses bum (The build up to Christmas) By David G Hulson
The day I was volunteered by my parents , Noooooooo . I could hear that silent scream in my head to this very day. "And a Mum who said David would love to help you out" It was an after church service on a Sunday morning when the kids went into the Sunday school room to listen to bible stories. Before my parents went home actually it was just Mum who went to the church ,dad rarely went there it just wasn't his thing, Mrs Hulson ,said the lady vicar as she walked quickly to catch up with my mum, Oh please do call me Jean said mum ,turning around and in her best telephone voice. I think people put on telephone voices ,so that they sound up market and an equal to any one in authority, and my mum had a Sale Cheshire posh Voice ,in fact it was better than the vicars and I think my mothers accent sort of said you're talking to someone special ,a bit Queen like if you know what I mean.
Mrs Hulson can I impose on you said the vicar who almost did a curtesy . Why certainly replied mum ( it was like an episode of Downton Abbey) what can I do for you . You may know that we intend to put a Christmas Pantomime on in the Church Hall. No I didn't said Mum, well it's going to be "Goody two shoes" said the vicar and we need volunteers to help this production so if there's anything...... Before the vicar had a chance to finish talking Mum Jumped in with both feet By saying My David Would Love to help your production. David you stay here with the vicar said Mum ,I'll be at home doing your Sunday lunch, join us when you're done here. "I've never had a Sunday lunch before ,I wonder if it's any different from a Sunday dinner" Oh thank you Mum I thought as she went out of the door ,turning to the Vicar I said what do I have to do . 7pm Wednesday evening ,it's the first formal meeting. For what I said ! To sort out who's being what, said the smiling vicar.
You know that feeling when you've been stitched up, and you walk into a room and your whole family is smiling ,but not quite giggling or laughing Well that what happened when I walked into our kitchen , there was my family sat around the kitchen table eating a roast beef dinner. Well said Dad , sit down son and tell us what she said. I've got to go back on Wednesday I said at 7pm ,I'll find out then what I've got to do. Sit down love next to Tilly and ill get your dinner said mum, and here's your favourite onions in vinegar to put on the beef. Thanks Mum. Wednesday at 7pm , there I was sat on a chair in the church hall with about thirty kids . Looking at the drawn curtains on the stage ,when the vicars head popped out from between the join in the curtains , thank you all for coming tonight, It was 9 'o' clock at night when I got in our house, well said mum ,so what are you doing in the pantomime soldier, policeman, what. "Noooo don't make me say it"
IM THE BACK END OF A HORSE, thank you mum. I looked at Mum I knew she wanted to laugh but she was holding it back. But Roger wasn't he fell off his chair laughing, oh stop it ,stop it cried Our kid. Dad excused himself from the table,I'm just going to the loo he said, I think I've got the trots, but I heard him laughing up there. We've all got to go back on Friday at seven again for our first reading, and my walk on part. Oh I see ,said Mum don't you mean your gallop on part, and now she's trying to be funny, and I could see deep down she was trying not to laugh, And who is playing the front end . Harold from Raby street I said. The rest of dinner was in silence with just the occasional glance in my direction and a hidden snigger. Friday night came and what a right pair of prats Harold and I must have looked . a horse made out what looked like the wire out of eighty old coat hangers then covered in a brown cloth that is supposed to be the animals skin.
With our four feet going in every direction, and being lead around by a singing girl ,Miss Goody Two Shoes this was going to be hell. For four weeks we practice and finally we stopped tripping over our own feet, and walked in sync. Two weeks before Christmas and it was our first performance, the audience was seated the lights dimmed the piano started to play and the curtains opened, and Goody two shoes pranced onto the stage. But I was worried Harold had not turned up , there was five minutes to the farm scene ! And thats when the Horse went on . Where's Harold said the vicar ,I don't know perhaps he got stage fright said I, We need a replacement for Harold said a very worried vicar as her eyes were flicking back and forth from the stage then back to the audience. Well Graham from next door is In the crowd I said. but he doesn't know the roll said the vicar , but he'll have to do, psst ! psssst ! from the stage door a finger beckoned ?Graham . Graham saw the vicar pointing at him ,so he pointed a finger at himself ,Me he said under his breath. Yes you said the vicar in a loud whisper, that everyone on the first five rows heard.
Slowly Graham half got up,and in a hunched way slipped out of his seat and crept over to the stage door to where the vicar was. In here now she said grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and then she closed the door behind him . Then she pushed a cloth horses skin into his hands. You're going to be the horses backside she said . I'm not an actor said Graham. You don't have to be a actor Graham she said this isn't the palladium , Just follow David and do whatever he does. What's the good of Following me I said , i don't know where I'm going remember I had my head stuck up Harold's Bum for two weeks ,and I just followed him around. Don't give me problems now boys, said the vicar ,you're on in two minutes. Well we were dressed as a horse ,and pushed onto the stage, what the Hell was I supposed to do, aimlessly I trotted around the stage dragging Graham Behind me I was going to the right ,the back legs going to the left and then tripping over our own feet, I knew we were doing something wrong ,because the audience was in hysterics,
Graham kept shouting which way now ,I can't see anything in here , it's bloody roasting and its smelly. I could just about hear Goody Two Shoes singing over the laughter ,but I couldn't see her as the horses head had slipped down now and all I could see was the floor through the horses nostrils ,thank god the show was coming to an end and the cast took a bow to the applause of the audience ,then Graham and I took off the horses skin to laughter. Twice more I had to endure that bloody Goody Two Shoes Panto. So if there is a morale to this story , never let anybody volunteer you especially your Mother.