exhale.
SHE’S GOT ON HER SHE’S GOT ON HER SHE’S GOT ON HER SHE’S GOT ON HER SHE’S GOT ON HER SHE’S GOT ON HER SHE’S GOT ON HER SHE’S GOT ON HER SHE’S GOT ON HER
look me in the eyes.
I’m stuck in a routine, stuck in my ways. Every morning I check the scale, every night I do the same. It’s exhausting to look in the mirror day in day out. There used to be joy there, but now I find it impossible to even make a connection with the person staring hopelessly back at me. It’s a warped view, I’m sure of it. I can never tell, Is that me? Is that what I look like? Every day it’s as if there’s someone else, helplessly glaring back.
Trapped.
Lifeless.
I imagine life easiest when no one can recognise you. If you’re quiet enough you can manage to fall into the background, being present without a presence, why add anything if adding something brings the attention to you? It’s simple, I’m going through life slipping under everyone’s radar. But slipping under the radar can be a dangerous game, no one sees me, and no one hears me.
when do I think about how I’m seen, or when do I stop thinking about how I’m seen?
Have I let myself go?
I speak to people online, and that’s how I like it best, that’s when I have the most control. See me from neck up, that’s where I made the effort, the only effort I can seem to put in these days. I make sure not to turn to the side. I control what people see, but what are people actually seeing, this isn’t me, this isn’t real life. They say that there’s an online, but nothing ever does connect, we stare at each other for hours through a screen, but not once have our eyes locked.
It’s hopeless.
There’s nowhere else to go.
I get a memory notification pop up every day. Some days it’s nice to reminisce, but most other days it’s a reminder that I don’t recognise myself anymore. Maybe I did go too far. The reflection staring back shows no sign of life. I let myself get so quiet I’ve started to slip under my own radar. I’ve had so much control over how I look online, I’ve lost my sense of reality.
Stuck in my routine.
Desperate to get out.
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT
SHE’S LOST HER
I spent the evening alone again.
I can’t fill the void
FACELESS