One Metre Plus by Neve McDermott

T R E E M + 1

PERSONAL SPACE This season’s must-have!

ONE METRE PLUS 2021 Personal space. “The physical space immediately surrounding someone, into which encroachment can feel threatening or uncomfortable.” Once measured by common sense – now measured by metre sticks.

CREATED BY Neve McDermott

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NOTE

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AN OPEN LETTER

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DRESS TO DE-STRESS

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` A LA PARTE

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IF ONLY I HAD WINGS

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GIVE WAY

YOU’RE HERE! However you came to find me, I hope you’re doing okay. You should be applauding yourself for making it through such a tough and flummoxing year. But before you go any further, I want you to sit back, and reflect on one of this year’s running themes. Personal space.

The invisible buffer surrounding us that metamorphoses from culture to culture, from person to person, from the city to the sticks.

We all thought we knew how much was enough. Then suddenly, we had absolutely no clue.

A reclusive sense of disarray which we’d never quite encountered before.

The workplace. The school. The gym. The cinema. The home. How many of your separate spheres of life now exist in the same one place?

We convulse at last year’s box sets with fleeting angst and contempt, as we watch our favourite characters flout every rule that we’ve come to accept.

On the TV screens that we’ve grown to know and love again, we observe a bizarre new chemistry. A three-seater sofa replaced by

three single seats.

And out in the wild where we surrender all control, we yield our mental rulers to scrutinise the distance between mouths, feet, shoulders, chairs, trollies.

Instantly we sense the looming black shadow of the man behind us in the post office queue, drifting shamelessly ten centimetres past his allotted floor sticker.

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Some of us have achieved a new sense of self-acceptance, as we are forced to discover how it feels to be distant from others but closer to ourselves.

Some of us are still working on that. And some of us are dying for a generous fifty feet from our significant others, as the shower singing that we used to smile about now resembles a painful execution.

Yet still, we need their closeness more than ever – a burning desire to feel desired as the rest of the world lies one metre (plus) away from us. From the cuddliest grandma to the single friend that “doesn’t do hugs”, we’re all bobbing along at the surface while our feet underneath flap for tactility – hoping for an unintended game of footsie beneath the water.

The next thing I’d like you to do, is let yourself be okay with it.

You are cordially invited to set aside all uncertainty for just a moment, turn the page and explore a surreal world of personal space hyper-sensitivity and obsessive proxemics. A fresh take on a familiar context. Your very own novelty souvenir from our stormiest year yet (hopefully more satiating than one of those corny “I survived 2020” t-shirts, that you’ll wear on the first casual Friday back in the office, then never see again). A chance to accept the frustration and the bizarreness – and to embrace it, while it lasts.

I SURVIVED

2020

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DRESS TO DE-STRESS Nowadays, not only do we want to stand out from the crowd, but also far, far away from it. What type of armour will you be wearing for guaranteed spacial security? Not too sure? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.

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L ` A 24

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TE R A P

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IF ONLY I H

INGS W D A

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My job would take me everywhere – all over the world. A globe trotter I was. A free soul. A beatnik. A wanderer. I was free to roam from home to home, a nomad on an endless adventure.

Everywhere an entirely unique landscape – new colours, new textures, new foods. But now there are limits, limits that I can’t physically overcome. Suddenly, everything’s just too far away. An unreachable distance between where I am and where I wish to be. As much as I try, I remain stuck – stuck like gum under a high schooler’s desk.

Captive.

Constrained.

An explorer turned claustrophobe.

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Redundancy – it happened just like that.

If I don’t return to work soon, then I’m as good as dead. You see, with a demanding profession like mine, you don’t tend to live too long after retirement. Live fast. Die young. Now a lethargic lowlife, fattening day by day. The recurring thought buzzes back.

My family aren’t used to my presence. I’m not used to theirs. The continual to-ing and fro-ing that comes with our career kept us from forming close connections. There’s an overriding feeling of there being too many of us in one place, a dominant sense of competition. A daily rat race and a fight for survival. I ask myself as the days pass – why did we have so many kids?

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The thing I miss most, my reputation. Somewhat infamous, I used to be. Problematic. A nuisance. But I thrived on it. We made children scream. We made mothers weep! Our names at the top of the school newsletter, every other week! Oh god, how good it felt to just be hated. To be feared. Has everyone forgotten I exist?

Has anyone even looked for me?

So, I wait. Wait for the chance to feast upon a sweet scarlet nectar other than bland, unseasoned Type O. To plan my getaway from this dismal planet Brunette and hop to somewhere fresh – and clean. Wait. Wait for a frenzied game of tag. For a kerfuffle in the cloakroom. For anything that gives me just enough time to crawl over to the other side. Oh, how I yearn for normality. That, and the only other thing us head lice wish for these days.

Wings.

Things would be so different, if only I had wings.

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Along with the uncertainty of the ‘new normal’, comes some daunting yet inevitable questions. Many involve the future. Are we doomed for distance? What will our fate look like?

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No zorb games

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Brian Burke

Manchester Central Convention Complex

2 May 2021 Manchester

Why the hell is the reptile super show cancelled but FurFest isn’t?

Since when did bloody furries have more rights than the rest of us ?! Grandson can’t see the madagascan turtles but they get to prance around in fluffy suits ?

I for one am appalled about this - who’s with me folks ?? You better re-think this manchester central - youve annoyed a LOT of people here ! World’s gone mad !!

View 12 more comments Mystic Deer-Fox

Shame you chose the wrong hobby Like Reply 5m

Sparky Twinklewings

think twice next time u disrespect our art lizard boy Like Reply 5m

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But as daunting as it all might seem, at least it won’t look anything like this.

(Probably).

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Hold on, we’ll be back together soon.

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