I'VE GOT AIDS, VISUAL AIDS - THE SCRIPT, THE DRAFTS & THE UGLY

Since it’s a little quiet, I’ll edit it in all the whooping, hollering and laughs later. like I can’t get a word in edgeways.

Anyway I’m abit nervous do you mind if I take a seat doing this?

SIT ON FLOOR. It’s not really stand up comedy anymore is it?

It’s more like sit-down comedy.

But I can get back up again, Unlike a lot of the great people died in 2016.

As a comedian it would too easy to DO all the dead people?

Why would go get them out of grave and DO them anyway?

I’m not a necrophile, The good news is me and David Attenborough are still here… together… embraced in a loving relationship…

Although in my defense his hair wasn’t as wild and boobs weren’t as saggy when we first met.

DRAW HIM NAKED Yeah I bet you didn't realise Attenborough he had his own pet snake at home.

We are abit old fashioned but are both fans of the Pokemon Go app.

We even have nicknames for each other.

I call him jiggly puff, because off his jiggly bits.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH AS JIGGLYPUFF He’s abit greedy and has a few nicknames for me.

Sometimes he’s just outright rude, just shouts Lickitung and then points.

The when he’s tired it’s usually Slowpoke.W Then at the end of the night he’s always like come here Squirtle.

I’m starting to think these aren’t nicknames at all.

Although I’ve since got aids... visual aids…

DO TEXT IN STAGES Now I’ve set the tone, I can let you know this is going to be hill, hairy ass.

DRAW HILL, DRAW HAIRY ASS. Even Clare Balding says “The most important quality in a partner is a sense of humour.“ Although the funny thing is I’m pretty sure she just takes what she can get.

Whereas somebody like Louis Theroux has a little bit more sophistication, I’m guessing his stock chat-up line has to be: “I want to go Theroux you” DRAW THEROUX IN PROMISCOIUS POSE If you’re not British there’s a chance you may need to google those three Great, British icons.

Oh yeah I say Great, Britain with a comma in between the words these days.

Great, Britain (Sarcasm) DO TEXT

Mainly due to the timing of the Brexit debacle, which literally fell on my birthday.

USE IMAGE (BREXIT & CHILL NETFLIX) In fact I quite enjoy adding punctuation to politics.

Theresa. May you just fuck off.

DO NAME / AMMEND TYPE I don’t know what everyones surprised for, Mystic Meg touched her ball and predicted this.

DRAW MYSTIC MEG TOUCHING HER BALL We’d be here all night if I get started on the bloke across the pond, whose name is literally is a fart joke.

But one bit of Trump news I can share with you is that he’s has already used his power to influence the KKK's new outfit, he’s changing it orange, So he can just use his old bedsheets.

DRAW TRUMP IN ORANGE OUTFIT. Right that’s it I’m bored politics, unless you’re referring to what some people incorrectly call politically incorrect.

I used to work on the checkout at a well known supermarket, TESCO VALUE JOKE PACK I wasn’t very talkative but always asked “Dya need a hand with your shopping.”

Only this time it was Abu Hamza, If you're not familiar with his work, probably the most famous, armless terrorists going, And that’s someone without arms as bodyparts,

Not somebody who is harmless without weapons.

Anyway he blew up, not literally but took offense and walked off without paying.

You could say he didn’t leave empty handed.

The security guards were too busy dealing with all unexpected items in the bagging area to notice.

It’s a shame I didn’t work at Tesco Saudi Arabia, because who know’s what they’d of cut off next.

I’ve got against people with disabilities… unless they’re convicted terrorists with disabilities.

Here’s a para-shooter.

DO GUY IN WHEEL CHAIR PARACHUTE SHOOTING It's not offensive though because the guy that’s shooting isn't black, and some of my best friends are in wheel chairs.

I asked him when the nurse first told you was a paraplegic, and that you couldn’t feel anything from the waist down did you have a cheeky grope of the nurses boobs?

That may sound mysongonistic, But his nurse was a man, I’m actually talking about about man boobs.

DRAW MOOBS LIKE JAGGER. Usually when there are more women in the audience, it starts to get hard.

DRAW & EVENTUALLY ANIMATE OF AN ERECTION No I’m not sexist. I even find some women sexy.

I tried having conversation with a Feminist yesterday.

I’m due in court next week now.

I said something along the lines of us needing to able to talk more openly about the problem with large vaginas.

When I got arrested female police officers started recording.

Probably added a few months to my sentence when I misinterpreted the word Dic-ta-phone.

DRAW: Draw Dick-to-phone They were actually examining a dead body when I got brought in.

I spotted what was going on and they said ‘quick, hurry up, we need a sheet to cover this up’.

Unfortunately I didn't really need a poo at the time, so I couldn’t help them out.

DRAW Nearly ended back in questioning due to being hip and still having a beard.

I was in Urban Outfitters, not Turban Outfitters .

I just asked if they had any bomber jackets I could try on.

They immediately phoned the police as they didn’t realise I’m not that religious.

BOMBER JACKET (TEXT - IT’S JUST FASHION, NOT SUITABLE FOR CASUAL TERROISTS) If you're wondering why I've still got this beard when they're on they way out of fashion… it's basically to cover my second chin.

Like, I’ll have no qualms in bringing the mullet back, if I start getting those weird back head fat roll things.

BACK HEAD FAT ROLLS GETTING COVERED BY

MULLET. So what did I get for Christmas?

Drunk and fat.

For me Public holidays may aswell be legally ammended to alcoholidays.

But we can’t even say Merry Christmas in some places anymore, so I’m not getting my hopes up.

TYPE / AMMEND HOLIDAYS TO ALCOHOLIDAYS. It has been really windy over Christmas, I blame all the sprouts.

DRAW SPROUTS BLOWING ABOUT If you’re not enjoying this I did ask for a book on how to be a great stand up.

It hasn't shown up yet.

So you'll have to make do.

SAY I actually got a about anti-gravity instead, So I wrapped it back up gave it to my dad as a Christmas present.

He can’t put it down.

DRAW ANTI-GRAVITY BOOK I bought my girlfriend a fridge for Christmas.

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Got her some new clothes, Discovered she looked great in black.

Then turned the light on and now I’m not so sure.

Only joking, I did actually get her a 24 carrot necklace.

REDRAW She’s healthy you see, so got her some vegan makeup brushes, but I don’t know who is ever feeling that hungry, where they feel the need to start eating their healthy make up brushes?

DRAW VEGAN MAKEUP BRUSHES, NOT EDIBLE I think she wanted me to pop big question and get her a ring.

So I did.

But I think she had something else in mind to waking up with me sat on her face.

Treated myself to a stand for the bedroom. took it back the next day.

The furniture store keeps calling me back saying it’s damaged goods.

Wish they’d leave me alone, All I wanted was a one night-stand.

DRAW A ONE NIGHT STAND Actually I tried to lose abit of the excess weight by swimming.

I got kicked out of the pool.

Apparently I was doing the breast stroke wrong.

DRAW / EVENTUALLY ANIMATE So I went and did 3 hours at the gym.

Ruined by a spicy Indian And then a greasy Chinese.

DRAW TAKEAWAY BOXES? (CHINESE & INDIAN) MAYBE LEAVE OUT TOO MUCH VISUAL INFORMATION BEFORE NEXT SLIDE

They were the worst porno I’ve ever watched.

Maybe better than that hand tossed dough pizza I got the other week though.

Definitely too much special sauce.

DRAW PIZZA WITH SPECIAL SAUCE GOING INTO IT. I don’t know what I like more food or sex.

I’ve even got an anecdote with both, It’s the time I fisted my ex using marmite as lube.

With consent.

Basically I got myself into a bit of a sticky situation and in the end I can’t tell whether she loved or hated it.

DRAW MARMITE FIST But with food really mind it’s over platter.

I’ve accepted I’ve got more of a physique for darts, I could balance the darts on my belly when I'm not throwing, And could probably rest the board on there when we've finished playing.

I've always thought the guy shouting out the scores is really confident.

GAME ON!!!

Can’t wait for the controversy when he introduces a massive hetrosexual Jamaican dart player steps on.

“How ya calling gay man?”

'Gay mon’ TEXT ON SKY SPORTS SIGN CHANGE SKY TO GUY SPORTS? DARTS TO FARTS I might be big but what dya think your average traditional corner shop worker weighs?

Sweets.

They usually weigh sweets.

I do like a treat and can bake simple stuff like mixing crushed digestives, syrup, butter,chocolate. when you start adding in stuff like marshmallows and raisins it’s a Rocky Road.

Great British Bake Is over now.

I'm thinking of pitching the idea of Great British Bonk Off to the BBC to fill the gap.

AMMEND LOGO TO BONK The programme starts with Paul getting a Hollywood wax.

And finishes with him licking Mary's Berry. …and no I can’t even bring myself to try and draw that.

Actually that reminds me I went to Brazil last week.

I saw I was in Brazil biut I didn’t manage to land though. the pilot was too busy in the cockpit with the cabin crew searching for the landing strip.

DRAW PILOT (I WANT TO SEE YOUR COCKPIT, I HAVE HAVE A SPECIAL INTEREST IN, AND AROUND LANDING STRIPS) If you’re thinking this all abit sex-orientated.

I’m attending a help group, I just help myself to the tasty snacks that are on offer, ‘meating’ lots of new girls.

DO TEXT TO EMPHASISE - MEATING/SAUSAGING?

I met a German there, she used to rate sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. One we tried it in the other hole, She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

German to English translation.

NEIN = NO (TOO PATRONISING? TOO QUICK BEFORE NEXT SLIDE) My French ex was also quite vocal she shouted ‘qui qui qui’ during sex.

She wasn’t too impressed when I pissed all over her.

J’ADORE WHORE TEXT. (PEOPLE MAY ASSOCIATE WITH NEXT JOKE) I did go out with a muslim once.

It was great, turned out she was the breadwinner of the relationship.

USE BREADWINNER TESCO IMAGE (OPTIONAL IF STRUGGLING LIVE) If you think this stuff is off the mark, see what I’ve had to leave out.

I recently got heckled at that joke, he said ‘you’re racist.’ I know that’s a funny accent for an Irish bloke.

And I was like how can I be Ray’s Sis? DRAW RAY (ENGLISH THUG) AND RAY’S SIS? (SAME AS ENGLISH THUG WITH HAIR) For a start I’m not even a girl.

Plus even if I wanted to be a sister, I don’t even know who Ray is?!

I’m actually really a nice guy. I tried to share a kebab and special brew with a crack head the other week DRAW PICTURE WITH LIMITED TEETH GUYS HEAD CRACKING.

He knocked out most of my teeth out, and told me to go and buy my own.

(OPTIONAL IF STRUGGLING LIVE) I presuming the lack of laughter is because the same guy has punched you all and you don’t wanna show everyone else your teeth?

Anyway I had to go the dentist Never had a major operation before.

And was abit nervous so Iclosed my eyes and hoped for the best.

The dentist told me to open wider. to cut a long story short it turns out he really likes blow jobs. to cut a long penis short...

I still had my incisors left so I bit it off.

DRAW PICTURE OF BLOODY MOUTH & INCISORS. NOT SURE IF REQUIRED, THE ‘CRACK HEAD’ IS A STRONG IMAGE. I've been having sex with a puppet recently.

Performance is a little wooden.

Now I'm looking for something else, no strings attached.

DRAW PUPPET WITH STRINGS DRAW WITHOUT STRINGS (WILL WORK BEST AS ANIMATION) So got an invite to dating event this week, It’s for bigamists.

Dress Code Shirt & Thai.

Getting my outfit shipped over from Thailand.

Comes in a luxourious red silk and renting it should only cost me about me 50p for the night.

DRAW SHIRT + THAI FLAG (RISKY JOKE, NEEDS TO BE DOUBLE ENTRENDE) I realise I’m still going on about things that could be related to sex, But I’m actually I’m part of an erectile dysfunction club.

They’re quite a miserable group.

So tried to cheer them up, We all love sport, so thought about taking it old school and having a sports days.

Went all out and ordered Olympic banners to put Unfortunately they spelt it wrong.

TEXT LOGO I thought it was quite hard… to make that many mistakes to change it to Oh limp dicks.

The annoying thing is none of us could get into the final, We couldn’t get past the semi’s.

ADD TEXT IN WHEN THE PUNCHLINE HITS So I thought why don’t we all go out for a meal.

I realised such mistakes can happen to the best and I accidentally booked Hard Cock Café LOGO AMMENDMANT To make it even worse couldn’t even get in, it was full members only.

ADD TEXT WHEN THE PUNCHLINE HITS When that's over I plan for a career in porn.

Trying to think of an original name and logo.

Came up with: Thomas Cock.

THOMAS COCK LOGO I thought I was flying with that idea

But then I really like boobs so maybe cBoobies LOGO AMMENDMANT Which I thought was ingenious, but then I thought this could be the name for a covert name for a group of peados.

After more reflection they’d probably be called… c no Boobies After figuring out I don’t want to be associated with that industry, I thought why not take over a business.

First company I spoke to were DRAW R.SOLES LOGO R.SOLES - they do shoes, customers service isn’t great.

Toe’s R US TOES R US LOGO Not entirely sure what their business concept is.

Sell Fridges.

SELL FRIDGES LOGO They do Fridges. (so far so good?)

SOFA SO GOOD LOGO They do sofas.

You get the idea if you have common sense.

And theres No Common Scents.

DRAW NO COMMON SCENTS LOGO They sell incense sticks.

Or as my nana likes to call them: incest sticks.

I don’t know what she’s been doing with them…

Rang up my mate 2 pack’s address because I had a

package to deliver.

GUY WITH A TWO PACK OF BEER I said I'd be round in 10 and to just leave it open.

I meant the door.

DRAW NO.69 DOOR CLOSED DRAW NO.69 DOOR OPEN She had other ideas and was sat there with her legs open.

They actually live at number 96, someone's just put the number upside for comic effect.

Anyway my mate took it well, he even bought us tshirts. Although hers doesn’t fit her, she’s much bigger than that MILF & MOTHERFUCKER T-SHIRTS Right lets finally step away from sex now and move onto something funny.

A Banana peel?

That’s funny!

I love watching people slip on these things… unless they’re already in a wheelchair.

Maybe it’s just a banana skin to you, but for me it’s an emergency condom.

DRAW BANNANA PEEL. ADD IN EMERGENCY CONDOM TEXT I’m always landing myself in awkward situations at the pub.

I’d bought the last 3 rounds and was running out of money, so shouted out to my dads mate.

"Arf's round" got punched in the face Apparently Arthur doesn't take pleasantly to people calling him

round, especially after one too many Christmas dinners.

ARFS BELLY, BEERS AND SPEECH BUBBLE. I’m not going back to that dentist anytime soon Had a bit of accident at home, won’t go into details but I needed to put on some clothes before going into hospital.

I thought long and hard… about what outfit would be suitable, Then arrived at Casual-tie, DRAW TIE, WRITE CASUAL ON IT. But when I got to A&E and started walking around everyone was dressed in moody, smart, serious ties.

Finally got in to see the doctor.

Before I could tell him what was wrong he’d cracked open and drank 3 fizzy drinks in front of me.

I said steady on mate, that can’t be good for you.

He said ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’

A minute later he keels over and starts having a heart attack.

Unfortunately he passed away, he was a really nice bloke as well that Dr.Pepper.

PICTURE OF USED DR.PEPPER CANS. Waited around for another doctor.

The guy that showed up seemed a little bit quirky, the maverick and wouldn’t let me get a word in edgeways because he was telling everyone about his new shoes.

Next time I need to go I hope they’ve replaced Doc Martens.

PICTURE OF DOCTOR IN DOC MARTENS? NOT APPROPRIATE SURGERY FOOTWEAR.

You couldn’t write that stuff.

My friend says writing comedy is a piece of piss.

So I froze a long thin 6ft 7 tube full of lovely golden piss.

Put the ice on him when he was asleep.

He was right.

When he woke up and it melted, it was comedy gold.

DRAW TUBE OF PISS. Just thought of a load of new jokes, but haven’t drawn any pictures for them, so you’ll have to wait until next time.

Some people don’t really like my illustrations anyway, maybe there’s one too many Tesco references? and those same people probably prefer Picasso’s.

But to me it will always be just an ugly car.

DRAW PICASSO. I was going to go to the pub after this but are all the bank machines broke?

There’s about 10 of them in row from down there and they all keep saying insufficient funds, please deposit.

Turns out they’re all wank banks.

DRAW WANK MACHINES Being broke and owning a credit card is dangerous.

I’ve just bought a £17 potato-masher.

You may be thinking what a mug.

But there’s no such thing as potato mug, I told it was a potato masher...

DRAWING OF POTATO MASHER. NOT A REALLY A JOKE IMAGE AND WILL CONFUSE THE AUDIENCE INTO THINKING I’VE LOST IT, BEFORE THE ENDING. After that I’d better with finish with my strongest joke, however on this occasion I’m at University so I’d like to take the time to be serious and thank the Student Loan Company.

So generous, And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.

But I don’t why don’t understand you have a tree as your logo?

Are you trying to imply that money grows on trees.

DRAW LETTER TO THEM (EMERGENCY HECKLE PUT DOWN) You look like the sort of person that wears fake Primark.