Josephine November 2011

Josephine November 2011

from the

St. Joseph’s women’s magazine

MORE INSIDE: Be a goddess in the rain What to do when you don’t like your friend’s significant other

USE VINTAGE TO YOUR ADVANTAGE A little bit of the past can spruce up your modern look

STAY HEALTHY THIS WINTER We offer some tips to keep the bugs at bay

editorial: (816) 271-8594 toll-free: (800) 779-6397 advertising: (816) 271-8527 fax: (816) 271-8686 josephine@ newspressnow.com

Our staff Editor Jess DeHaven jess.dehaven@newspressnow.com Presentation editor Paul Branson paul.branson@newspressnow.com Photo editor Todd Weddle todd.weddle@newspressnow.com Writers Sylvia Anderson Shea Conner Jennifer Gordon Jennifer Hall Kristen Hare Lisa Horn Christina Hazelwood Heckman Kevin Krauskopf Betsy Lee Stacey Mollus Jimmy Myers Kim Norvell Alonzo Weston Crystal Wiebe Erin Wisdom Cathy Woolridge Photography Eric Keith Jessica Stewart Matt Reid

|11/11

Josephine

St. Joseph News-Press P.O. BOX 29 St. Joseph, MO 64502

the regulars editor’s note

4

events calendar

6

the 5

8

average joe

28

getting real

29

meal time

30

inside

Cover photography by Matt Reid/Josephine magazine

cover girl Angie Hummer is a lady who keeps busy. In addition to the businesses she and her husband, Kevin, run — the Rusty Chandelier, the Jesse James Antique Mall and RJ Promotions — the Amazonia, Mo., resident also has four sons heavily involved in wrestling.

“I jokingly say that’s an additional part-time job,” she says of the sport Cody, Seth, Michael and Gabriel are involved in.

Angie also really enjoys the vintage items she sells at the Rusty Chandelier, whether it be decor or clothing.

“I’m really into repurposing and reusing — what can you turn this piece of junk into,” she says. “I just like having something no one else has. I like to mix things up.”

You can read more about Angie’s take on vintage dressing on page 16.

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| Josephine magazine |

November 2011

Be a rain goddess Tips to keep your hair looking good in the rain

10

A woman’s dream come true for kids Sharon Millard believes divine inspiration created St. Joseph clothing closet

10

Keeping the bugs at bay Seven ways to stay healthy this winter

14

Get back Add vintage touches to your look for an original flare

16

Is she really going out with him?

Love her but hate him? Here’s how to handle it

20

Keep calm and carry on How to handle a situation when you’re put on the spot

22

On the hunt If you’re looking for a new job while still working your current one, discretion is key

24

Friends and money Stick with protocol to help sustain close bonds

26

3

editor’s note

By JESS DEHAVEN My hair is less than full-bodied, and some mornings as I look out the window at the gray sky, I wonder why I even bother with anything more than a ponytail. At any sign of humidity, my tresses go flat, losing the curl I spent all that time working on.

If you have fine or frizzy hair, you know how the rain can wreak havoc on your carefully crafted ’do. Jennifer Gordon talked to area stylists and got their tips on how to keep your hair looking great even if the sky doesn’t. Turn to page 10 for that story.

Sooner than many of us like, that rain will be turning to snow, and with that colder weather often comes some unwanted visitors — cold and flu bugs. While most of us can’t seal ourselves up inside our houses until spring comes, there are some things you can do to keep the germs at bay. Sylvia Anderson has expert advice on that topic on page 14.

As you’re pulling out the winter clothes, now is a great time to go through the wardrobes of everyone in your house to weed out the things that no longer fit or that you don’t wear. There are plenty of organizations that can use your old clothing, and one of those is highlighted in Erin Wisdom’s story on page 12. Sharon Millard started Jacob’s Closet at Wyatt Park Christian Church three years ago with the mission of providing clothing to needy children. Her story proves that you can make a dream a reality.

And once you have cleaned out all that old clothing, you might be in the mood to do a little shopping to add something different into your closet. Vintage is a big clothing trend these days, so we had Kristen Hare hunt down some tips on making clothing from the past look great on you today. Check page 16 for more.

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From Our Kitchen To Your Table Place Your Order On-Line, by Phone or in Person

Visit all of our wonderful Hy-Vee departments: FLORAL • KITCHEN • ITALIAN • CHINESE • DELICATESSEN PRODUCE • BAKERY • SALAD BAR • DAIRY • FROZEN MEAT & SEAFOOD MARKET• PHARMACY • HEALTHMARKET • WINE & SPIRITS M

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2011 november area events

SUN

MON

Every Monday 9:45 a.m. (weigh-in at 8:30), TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) a non-profit, weightloss support and education group, East Hills Church of Christ, 3912 Penn.

Nov. 7 7 to 9 p.m., St. Joseph Camera Club, Rolling Hills Consolidated Library.

TUE

Nov. 1 6:30 p.m., Pony Express Chapter of Cowboys for Christ, Pony Express Saddle and Bridle Club, north of K Highway on County Road 371.

Call 238-7503.

Nov. 15 6:30 p.m., Pony Express Chapter of ABWA meeting. Call 232-7462.

WED

Every Wednesday 7 a.m., indoor farmer’s market, 3821 Eastridge Village.

7:30 a.m., St. Joseph BNI weekly meeting, Pony Express Museum.

Call 262-9684.

Nov. 22 10 a.m., Welcome Wagon Social Club of St. Joseph, monthly meeting, Rolling Hills Library, 1904 N. Belt Highway. Call 2791947.

7 p.m., Introductory session to Creighton Model Fertility Awareness and Appreciation, Heartland Medical Plaza. Course is designed to help couples cooperate with their fertility in family planning. Call 232-2258.

6

November 2011

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THUR

Nov. 10 Noon, St. Joseph Garden Club homecoming, lunch at Fairview Golf Club, guests welcome, $14.

For reservations, call Joan Giles at 2793295 or 383-3884

by Oct. 27.

FRI

Every Friday Friday Night Wine Tastings, 5 to 8 p.m., Smooth Endings Fine Wines, Spirits and Cigars, corner of Belt and Beck, (816) 749-4WINE, $5 per person.

6 p.m., Program on home remedies, Green Family Chiropractic, 1338 N. Belt Highway, 387-8994, www.greenchiro family.com.

Nov. 17 1 p.m. Hyde Forge Questers, home of Diana Reynolds, 3404 Mansfield Road, program on antique family scrapbooks.

5:30 p.m., Third Thursday Wine Tasting, Albrecht-Kemper Museum of Art. Cost is $10 per person.

Call 232-9750.

6:30 p.m., St. Joseph Aglow Community Lighthouse, St. Joseph Library at East Hills. Call 351-2139.

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SAT

Every Saturday 7 a.m. indoor farmer’s market, 3821 Eastridge Village

The

5

tips for life

Help for chicken skin Health. Do you have what is commonly called “chicken skin”?

It’s Keratosis Pilaris, a skin condition that resembles goosebumps and is characterized by the appearance of small, rough bumps on the skin. It’s mainly found on the back and outer sides of the upper arms, but it can occur on thighs and buttocks or any body part except palms or soles. Half of the population has it, but most don’t know it, according to helpforkp.com, a website devoted to the problem. KP tends to be worse during the winter months or other times of low humidity when the skin dries out. It also may occur and/or worsen in pregnant women or show up after childbirth. It can’t be cured, but you can treat it with lotions containing glycolic acid (AHA), lactic acid and urea. See the website for more information.

Is it worth it?

Money. Time literally is money. Take it from Vicki Robin, the author of “Your Money or Your Life: Transforming Your Relationship With Money and Achieving Financial Independence.” Each dollar in your paycheck represents some amount of time it took for you to earn it. (And it’s not just your hourly wage.) Robin recommends that those who struggle to save money should figure out how much time a dollar is actually worth to them, and they’ll begin to see expenses in a whole new light.

Is that new digital camera really worth a week at the office?

8

November 2011

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A friend indeed

Does this look OK?

Relate. Good friends are hard to find, but once you do, you’ll want to hold onto them.

Karen Neuburger, author of “The Secret Language of Girlfriends,� offered some tips on how to spot the keepers in a recent issue of Good Housekeeping: Lifelong friend: Everyone needs a friend who remembers the awkward, trying years of growing up and who loves you for who you’ve become.

Secret keeper: She’s the person you call after an embarrassing slip-up at work or a date gone awry. Never judgmental, she’ll listen and console just when you need it most.

Pep talker: So sweet it probably hurts your teeth, this friend will be there to lift your spirits and cheer for you to succeed.

What is he thinking? Here’s what’s on our Kevin Krauskopf’s mind: You look fine in that dress. You looked fine in the jeans and red sweater, too. And, you looked fine in the clothes you had on before that. As guys, we don’t obsess about the clothes our significant others are wearing, and it’s actually kind of nice when you don’t, either. The next time you’re heading out, keep in mind that we’ll probably have just as much fun — or more — with you if you’re just trying to be yourself.

Perfect patch Beauty. Real Simple magazine has a tip for making a torn nail less of an issue: Cut a tiny piece of paper from a tea bag (It should be big enough to cover the entire tear), apply a bead of nail glue to the paper (Krazy Glue works in a pinch), then press it on top of the tear. Allow the glue to dry, then gently file the top of the paper so that it is smooth and flush with the nail. Finish with a layer of base coat, two coats of nail polish and a topcoat.

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November 2011

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Be a rain goddess Tips to keep your hair looking good in the rain

By JENNIFER GORDON St. Joseph News-Press

O

h the humidity!

I can’t count the number of times I start the day with a flatironed straight and sleek do, and then the clouds roll in. One clumsy maneuver of the umbrella later, I’m Mrs. Brady.

Rain can wreak havoc on hair of any type. The good news is, armed with the right utensils and expertise, you don’t have to wonder whether you can wear a Kentucky Derby-style hat to the office or if a baseball cap constitutes as casual Friday attire. Your hair can look the way you want it to, come rain or shine.

PROPER PRODUCT A lot of hair weatherproofing comes from the very basics of hair care. Every woman should know the cut that works best for her hair, layered for wavy or curly manes, long or short cuts for fine hair to add volume, says Angie Chambers stylist and owner of Tanners Styling Salon in St. Joseph.

Next, look at what you’re putting in your hair. Don’t be afraid to spend a little more to find the right shampoo and conditioner; your hair will thank you. Sprays and gels also will protect against changes in moisture.

“What you put on your hair is going to affect it when it dries on its own,” says Brandi Davila, assistant manager of LookAfter Hair Company in St. Joseph She recommends the Paul Mitchell Super Skinny line of products for all hair types to help cut down the frizz. The Super Skinny Serum she finds both minimizes fluffiness and adds shine.

Ms. Chambers also recommends a product from the Paul Mitchell line, the Freeze and Shine finishing spray, for its durability in humidity. Her go-to product, however, might seem a little unconventional.

“The best product I’ve found looks like a glue bottle, Paul Mitchell (Lab XTG) Extreme Thickening Glue. It will hold through a hurricane, I think,” she laughs.

Janis Roades, master stylist at A Touch of Heaven Salon and Spa in St. Joseph prefers the Aquage line. She uses the Uplifting Foam for her own baby-fine hair she says, and also a little hair spray. For thicker manes, she recommends a tiny bit of Aquage Detailing Creme.

ERIC KEITH/Josephine magazine

... BUT NOT TOO MUCH Although a little hairspray will control flyaways, be cautious about using too much.

Two or three sprays should achieve the desired effect. Not only does too much hair spray make hair look brittle and hard, but wet hairspray also will dissolve into a sticky mess.

Let your hair curl if it wants to in humidity. Perhaps my hair wouldn’t turn so often into Mrs. Brady’s if I didn’t first try to get it Marcia-straight. When it’s rainy outside or even a little humid, ladies with curly or wavy hair should leave the flat iron alone, advises Ms. Chambers. Don’t waste your product or time trying to fight the curl.

STYLE-PROOF Once the product is in, classic hairstyles will get you the rest of the way. No longer the schoolgirl look, the ponytail has made appearances in high fashion.

“Pretty much anyone can do a sleek ponytail, really. A lot of runways are doing sleek ponytails,” Ms. Davila says.

All it takes is a quick blow dry (with your anti-frizz product of choice) and a little Moroccanoil spray to boost shine and smoothness. Tease at the crown to add a little volume before you secure your hair back.

You can also take a piece of hair from the bottom of the ponytail and wrap it around the hair tie twice and secure it with a bobby pin for something a little more classic, Ms. Roades says.

Women with hair too short to pull back can twist back the front sections of their hair and secure with mini-claw clips to get a put-together and weather resistant-look.

Barrettes or headbands also will work.

For something a little more complicated, try a messy bun. A dab of styling cream, Ms. Roades says, will help hold together everything.

LOOK BUT DON’T TOUCH! As there’s probably no sure-fire umbrella handling technique, your hair will probably get a little damp during a downpour. But resist the urge to speed up the drying process.

“The biggest mistake, the very biggest mistake, is not letting the hair dry before you try to comb it. If you comb your hair while it’s still damp from being outside, it will go back to its natural state,” Ms. Roades says.

To avoid the puffiness in the meantime, carry a little bit of anti-frizz product with you, and spray on damp hair, Ms. Chambers recommends.

Remember when you and she would play dress up for hours letting the afternoon slip away? Those were big shoes to fill!

That’s why Living Community of St. Joseph is here for you to answer any questions you may have about this important decision.

Living Community of St. Joseph offers a full continuum of care with Independent Living, Assisted Living, Long Term and Skilled Nursing Care with Rehabilitation Therapies.

Schedule your tour today by calling Ed Gorsky or Peggy Evans at

(816) 671-8543. www.lcosj.com

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A woman’s dream come true for kids Sharon Millard believes divine inspiration created St. Joseph clothing closet

By ERIN WISDOM Josephine magazine

Sharon Millard will tell anyone: If you want to meet God, come to the third floor of Wyatt Park Christian Church.

That’s not where the church houses its sanctuary or prayer chapel or anything else generally considered religious. But it is a place where she’s witnessed miracles among racks and piles of neatly arranged clothing in an old Sunday school room at the end of a hallway. It’s a room that for nearly three years has been home to Jacob’s Closet, a ministry providing free clothing to needy children in St. Joseph.

“God makes shoes fit. He makes shirts fit. He makes coats fit,” says Ms. Millard, who began Jacob’s Closet in February 2009 and named it for the biblical patriarch Jacob, due to the coat of many colors he provided for his son Joseph.

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November 2011

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She means what she says literally — having seen, for example, a little girl enamored with a pair of pink tennis shoes that looked to be two sizes too big slip them on and find them a perfect fit. But in a grander sense, the “fit” Ms. Millard has seen through Jacob’s Closet is one in which supply has consistently met demand, people have needs met that go beyond the material and the overall success of the venture seems nothing short of supernatural.

Along with Ms. Millard, two dozen women take part in the closet by assisting guests during one-on-one shopping appointments. Yet long before this team existed and a Sunday school room became a store of sorts and stacks of tubs full of surplus clothing donations filled nearby rooms, the start of it all was a memory of Ms. Millard’s and a desire she couldn’t shake.

“I can remember as a child how much enjoyment and fun I got from shopping for the first day of school,” she says. “It helped me feel part of a new class, a new beginning. I had something new.”

For three years, she felt prompted to provide this kind of shopping experience for children who wouldn’t have it otherwise, and finally, she opted to act on it.

What resulted is something that — rather than fulfilling needs only at the start of the school year — is available to families

on an on-call basis 50 weeks out of the year (The only two weeks guests can’t schedule appointments are times set aside for volunteers to change out one season’s clothing for another).

Anyone interested in scheduling an appointment can call Wyatt Park Christian at 232-3374 and ask for the Jacob’s Closet voice mailbox. The reason the ministry offers personal shopping visits, Ms. Millard notes, is to provide one-on-one contact between guests and volunteers as well as privacy for guests, who aren’t always comfortable seeking out charity. But their demeanor generally is very different by the time they leave — not only due to being treated with dignity but also because of their kids’ reactions to their shopping experience.

“Sometimes they come in, put clothes on and don’t take them off,” says Pam Brock, who acts as an assistant director of Jacob’s Closet. “They walk out with them on.”

This was the case with a boy who came on a particularly warm day but didn’t let the heat stop him from leaving wearing every one of his new items, including a Chiefs shirt, overalls, new shoes, a backpack and a baseball cap. His older sister chose a pretty purple velvet dress and revealed that until then, she hadn’t had anything to wear for picture day at school the next day.

These are just a couple of close to 2,000

kids the closet has served, many of whom make a lasting impression on volunteers.

“It does our heart good,” Ms. Brock says. “The reward in our heart is probably greater than the clothes.”

Guests are referred to Jacob’s Closet by 20 other local agencies such as the YWCA, Second Harvest and Community Action Partnership. And it has a different sort of partnership with organizations like the Pregnancy Resource Clinic and Salvation Army, to which it provides donations of items such as baby furniture or adult clothing that it can’t use. (Donations it does seek are clothing items for infants through children’s size 16. Clothing is collected in a container inside the west entrance of Wyatt Park Christian Church, and tax receipts can be provided for anyone who leaves their name, address and phone number.)

Three years into this dream she had for three years before it came to fruition, Ms. Millard knows that years down the road, the children Jacob’s Closet has served likely won’t remember her personally. But what’s important, she notes, is that they will remember someone cared. And for anyone else nagged by an ambition that won’t let go, she has a piece of advice: “Mull it over. Talk to God about it for a while. Let it simmer,” she says. “If it’s meant to be, the Holy Spirit won’t let you forget it.”

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Keeping the bugs at bay Seven ways to stay healthy this winter

I 14

By SYLVIA ANDERSON Josephine magazine

t’s a given that we will be sick of winter by next spring (unless you have a beach house in Florida), but we don’t have to get physically sick with the customary flus and colds. Here are seven things you can do now to keep healthy all season long:

WASH YOUR HANDS You’ve heard this before, but it’s the simplest thing you can do to stay healthy. Wash before you eat, before you handle food, after you use the restroom and when you return home — especially going from school or office to home, says Stephanie Malita, public information officer for the St. Joseph Health Department, “You are picking up germs from other environments and bringing them home, which means even if November 2011

you don’t eat something immediately, just by picking up the remote to the TV, you’re allowing germs to spread to your home,” she says.

And when you wash, make sure to use soap and clean for 20 to 30 seconds, she says. Sing “Happy Birthday” to yourself to get the correct length of time.

Anti-bacterial gels are often suggested when soap and water are not available, but it’s not a good idea to make them a habit.

“Some early research has shown that the bacteria are becoming resistant to the gels,” says Diane Waddell, a nurse practitioner at Heartland Integrative and Restorative Medicine. “A much better alternative is good hand washing with safe soaps and good scrubbing.”

GET A FLU VACCINE This is a no-brainer if you want to avoid getting the most serious flu viruses, Malita says. If you didn’t get

| Josephine magazine |

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a vaccine when they were readily available in August, get one now — it’s not too late. And don’t worry, you will not get the flu from the vaccine. It’s not a live virus, with the exception of the nasal vaccines, which can contain a small amount of the virus.

“But it is such a small amount,” she says. “It is just enough to get your body’s immune system activated and not enough to make you sick,” she says.

The flu vaccine this year is designed to protect you from A/California (H1N1), A/Perth (H3N2) and B/Brisbane. Although they are the same strains as last year, Malita says you need to get a shot this year, even you got one last year. The vaccine only lasts one season.

Then after you get the vaccine, allow two weeks for it to take full effect.

ed to prevent the ‘spikes’ of flu viruses from penetrating cell walls and thereby replicating and infecting the entire body,” he says.

He says elderberry can be used on a daily basis during the winter months because the body does not build up a tolerance to its effectiveness. A teaspoon or two a day is good for a preventative.

You can increase the dosage when you get sick.

“Sugar suppresses the immune system,” he says. “Add to that the stress of entertaining family, going to parties and you have a recipe for exposure and infection.”

So don’t forget the basics of eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep to maintain good health and keep your immune system strong.

When you feel good every day, winter won’t seem so long.

DON’T FORGET THE BASICS The holidays can be a dangerous time for good health, Fly says. We overindulge and are overextended, which is the perfect recipe for running down the immune system.

PROBIOTICS FOR GUT HEALTH Add yogurt to your diet. It’s a good source of probiotics.

“They help keep the good flora intact and are especially important during and after taking antibiotics (which decrease the good gut flora.),” Waddell says. “They also reduce the duration of respiratory infections.”

Buy it in supplements or eat it in yogurt — both should be high quality.

Echinacea may be useful for relieving and shortening the symptoms of a cold, but it is not particularly effective at preventing it, Mr. Fly says. That’s because the body builds up a tolerance to echinacea, making it less effective.

“Echinacea tea is one of the best sources of the herb,” agrees Ms. Waddell.

She suggests sipping a good-quality tea such as Traditional Medicinals or Yogi Tea three times a day. Or take it a capsule form, one gram three times a day for two weeks.

A SPOONFUL OF ELDERBERRY HELPS KEEP THE FLU AWAY Elderberry is effective against flu viruses, Fly says.

“Compounds in elderberry are purport-

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Vitamin D affects many functions of the body and particularly the immune system, so you need to take a supplement of vitamin D3 during the fall and winter.

The sun doesn’t shine strong enough for our bodies to produce enough, says Jim Fly, co-owner/manager of A-Z’s FreshAir Fare and a health coach with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. ”It’s not a bad idea to have your physician order a 25 hydroxy vitamin D blood test to see what your level truly is,” he says. “Many people who do are very surprised at how deficient they are.”

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VITAMIN D FOR SUNSHINE

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ummer poses in her store, the Rusty Chandelier.

“It was an awesome find,” says Denny, who loves vintage finds.

She likes the fabrics, she says, which often feel like they’re better-made, she likes the bold patterns she can find and the chance to have something that is often one-of-a-kind.

Shopping vintage doesn’t take tons of money or a degree in fashion. You just need a good eye, some patience and a little imagination.

First, let’s define vintage. According to ebay.com, where many vintage pieces are sold every day, vintage “is clothing from another era, usually classified by decade. It represents a time period, serving as a cultural expression of that time.”

Think, they suggest, Jackie O from the ’60s, with boxy suits and pearls, or the bell bottoms from the ’70s, or punk looks from the ’80s.

When looking for vintage, head to antique stores, thrift stores and shop online. Look at tags, Denny says. And really Please see ANYTHING/Page 18

MATT REID/Josephine magazine

Anything goes when vintage shopping CONTINUED FROM Page 17 inspect the material. How’s the stitching?

How has the piece held up over time? If it’s still in good shape, that’s a good sign that it’s well-made and worth getting.

And shop often.

“What’s unique about it is that you never know when something is going to come in,” says Angie Hummer, co-owner of Jesse James Antique Mall and the Rusty Chandelier.

Because of that, you should head to the vintage and thrift stores frequently in search of newly found treasures.

And when you find them, both women say, don’t pass them up.

“If you want it, you better grab it because it’s a one-of-a-kind thing,” Hummer says.

“If I can afford it, and I really, really love it, I will pick it up,” Denny agrees.

Vintage doesn’t have to be limited to clothes, either. Look for broaches, jewelry, handbags or shoes that can add a little flair to your look.

And to keep that look current, mix vintage in with modern pieces, both women say.

“You don’t want it to be too costumey,” Denny says.

On a recent trip to church, Hummer added in a vintage sweater with a fur collar. Or try a bracelet sleeved coat with skinny jeans.

Also, don’t limit yourself to just shopping for vintage. Casey Wallerstedt, owner of Mod Podge Boutique and Design Studio, says she finds a lot of great pieces on websites like forever21.com that are current but have a retro feel.

She also gets inspiration from anthropoloige.com and right now is liking the ’60s retro feel with color-blocking.

Hummer and Denny are both digging the ’70s right now, with bold colors and geometric shapes.

“I’m really feeling a ’70s vibe right now,” Denny says.

What’s great about vintage is the ability to mix the fashions of other decades into your look now. It doesn’t have to cost a lot, but it will help your look stand out.

“I love the time period we’re in,” Hummer says, “because anything goes.”

MATT REID/Josephine magazine

18

November 2011

| Josephine magazine |

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Is she really going out with him?

Love her but hate him? Here’s how to handle it

By CHRISTINA HAZELWOOD HECKMAN Josephine magazine

W

hen one of your friends dates a guy you can’t stand, what do you do? Do you wait it out and hope she sees the light? Or do you tell her?

Many women will have to deal with an unfavorable relationship at some point. Local relationship experts and tips from Mydaily.com can help keep your friendship intact.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE IN A ONE-ON-ONE Spend some time with him. You might discover something you didn’t know that will change your mind.

TELL YOUR FRIEND

LOOK FOR THE GOOD “We can’t always necessarily understand the attraction between partners, and there must be some engaging, positive attributes about your friend’s partner that aren’t obvious

20

from the outside looking in,” says Dr. Sharon Gilchrest Neill, author of “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.” Look for those engaging and positive attributes, and then try to focus on them, rather than the reasons you can’t stand him.

November 2011

“I think it’s important when you are concerned about a friend’s significant other to let her know, but in a respectful manner,” says Dr. Susan Shuman of the Samaritan Counseling Center. “Otherwise you run the risk of ruining your

| Josephine magazine |

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friendship.�

Shuman suggests using “I� statements to approach the situation instead of pointing blame at the significant other. “For example, you could say ‘I feel concerned because you look unhappy’ or ‘I may see things differently because I’m not a part of the relationship’ instead of ‘He treats you poorly’ or ‘He seems like a jerk,’� Shuman says. “This helps to put the concerns on you and not devaluing your friend’s feelings toward the relationship. After sharing with your friend, allow her to share with you why she chose her partner, and try to keep an open mind. You never know. You might start to see the good in him and become supportive of the relationship.�

Some women opt for total honesty while others try to keep their opinions to themselves.

Natalie Colboch, who works at the Buchanan County Sheriff’s Department, says she only speaks up about not liking a friend’s love interest when she thinks it’s important. “There may be a time when it is necessary, which is if my friend seems unhappy,� she says. “At this time, I would approach the subject in a very loving manner, because after all, she is still with him. It is all about each person being happy. Liking or not liking her significant other shouldn’t matter because she isn’t dating me or marrying me. Our relationship is a friendship, which should contain support for my friend’s choices.�

Deciding to share your feelings depends on how close you are to your friend and the reasons that you don’t like her significant other, says Dr. Kay Partamian of the Samaritan Counseling Center. “If you have personal reasons for not liking him, keep them to yourself and do not impose them on your friend’s romantic relationship,� Partamian says. “If the reasons are based on antisocial or hostile and negative behaviors and you are close to this friend, you may want to ask her if she has noticed them and what she thinks about them.

If they are subjective personal feelings on your part, you have to decide how important it is for your friend to know, especially if she feels happy in her marriage. If your feelings are based on negative and harmful behaviors of the husband that can be harmful to your friend, you may want to bring it to her attention.�

Ultimately, my friend has to live her own life and make her own decisions about the person with whom she chooses to spend that life. It’s not my business. If it’s going to make things awkward and uncomfortable, I just look for opportunities to have girl time instead of couple time. — ASHLEY KEMPT, St. Joseph

SCHEDULE TIME WITH JUST THE TWO OF YOU Your friendship only involves the two of you, and that doesn’t have to change. “Ultimately, my friend has to live her own life and make her own decisions about the person with whom she chooses to spend that life,� says Ashley Kempt, a teacher in St. Joseph. “It’s not my business. If it’s going to make things awk-

ward and uncomfortable, I just look for opportunities to have girl time instead of couple time.�

Remember, the most important person in this situation is your friend. You have to make sure you have her best interest in mind before making any decision to share your feelings. “I think the most important thing is to make sure you are examining your own thoughts and behaviors more than your friend’s boyfriend,� says Elizabeth Chase, a guidance counselor at Central High School. “Is your friend’s boyfriend really that bad of a guy, or is there something else going on with you? Maybe he reminds you of someone else you aren’t fond of. Maybe he’s simply not the kind of guy you pictured your friend dating. Or is it possible you’re feeling jealous, hurt, left out, etc., now that your friend has a boyfriend? “Hopefully some serious reflection on your part can help you put some things in perspective,� she says. “Bottom line — if your friend isn’t in some kind of danger by dating the guy, you should probably back off. In the end, it’s her choice who to date, and there’s nothing mature or friendly about making her choose between you and her boyfriend.�

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Keep calm and carry on

T

By SHEA CONNER I Josephine magazine

he boss asks you a question you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know the answer to.

A colleague puts you in an awkward position during a meeting.

A disgruntled patron confronts

22

November 2011

you in a bar.

These are just a few examples of tense situations that can quickly spiral out of control, and obviously, how you react in these instances is of the utmost importance.

| Josephine magazine |

newspressnow.com/josephine

How to handle a situation when you’re put on the spot There are a few different strategies that experts recommend to best handle these situations, but all of them agree that there’s nothing wrong with taking your time to reach a resolution.

“Other people can only put you on the spot if you let them,” says Mike Leibling, author of the book “How People Tick.”

If you’re in a place where you feel you can’t leave — like the office or an important meeting — take a deep breath.

Getting more oxygen into your body and releasing physical tension are two ways that breathing can benefit you, and you can do them anytime or anywhere, even in very demanding occurrences.

“The most important thing is that you don’t have to panic and think of an answer. Take your time and relax,” says Nick Smallman, managing director of Working Voices, a consultant firm that specializes in social skills.

If you haven’t come up with an answer or a solution in those few seconds, Smallman recommends admitting to it.

“If you don’t know the full answer, don’t try and bluff your way out of it,” he says.

Of course, this might lead to a tangibly awkward feeling, but that can be left behind rather easily. After you admit you don’t know the answer, tell your confronter that you have not been briefed on the issue and move on. Leibling says those on-the-spot situations are forgetful if you brush over them quickly and resist the urge to make a big deal out of them.

“The worst kind of response is an apology where you just ramble on and everyone is thinking, ‘shut up already,’” he says.

“The more long-winded you are, the less sincere it feels,” adds Dr. Susan Shuman, a board-certified psychologist who works for The Center — A Samaritan Center in St. Joseph.

Should matters escalate — or if the tense situation becomes a physical confrontation — remain calm and excuse yourself. Leibling suggests offering a firm, reasonable response such as, “I need to give you an answer you can rely on, so let me go away and think.”

Once you’ve left the room, take a walk for as long as you need. According to Elizabeth Scott — a wellness coach

specializing in stress management who has been featured in Good Housekeeping, Glamour, Essence, Inc. and Woman’s Day — even short periods of exercise can be a great stress reliever, as it helps you blow off steam and release endorphins.

Taking a walk also gives you time to examine the situation from a different perspective.

Once clear heads have prevailed, deal with your confronter privately in a mature, reasoned way. Tell that person you do not appreciate being put in such a stressful situation and that communication between the two of you needs to improve in the future.

“One of the best things to do is to let the person know that you’re feeling uncomfortable,” Shuman says.

If this person continues to put you on the spot, Leibling suggests addressing the pattern. Talk with others who know your confronter and gauge how they feel about the situation. If you still feel that his or her actions are malicious, say so.

“The person may not realize they’re doing it, and eight times out of 10, people will be mortified,” Leibling says.

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On the hunt

By CRYSTAL K. WIEBE Josephine Magazine

I

f you are not among the vast ranks of Americaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s unemployed, you might feel grateful just to have a job. You might also feel stuck.

But donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let the low pay, lack of advancement, or whatever is frustrating about your current position hold you back. The fact that you are gainfully employed could even aid you in nabbing a new gig.

24

November 2011

| Josephine magazine |

newspressnow.com/josephine

If you’re looking for a new job while still working your current one, discretion is key To do so, you just have to conduct your search strategically.

Before starting your job hunt, the first thing you have to ask yourself is whether to tell your present boss, says Tammy Kabell, a career coach in Lee’s Summit, Mo. The decision to conduct an open or confidential job search depends on many factors, including office politics, the stability of the company and the nature of the work.

“There are certain industries where confidentiality or a book of business may warrant the dismissal of an employee, who may, in all likelihood, be seeking to join a competitor,” explains Donnell Turner, director of the Career Development Center at Missouri Western State University.

In cases of a known personality conflict — with a supervisor or another colleague — it’s always wise to err on the side of discretion.

“If you don’t have a great relationship with your employers, they could end up letting you go before you even catch your breath, and oftentimes they will let you go with a prejudice — they will find a reason to fire you so you don’t get severance,” Kabell warns.

To avoid being found out, Turner offers some practical advice regarding job interviews.

“Of course, coming into the office in one’s best blue suit is generally a dead giveaway,” she says. “So it becomes significantly easier for those who have acquired vacation and/or personal time to take time off or work half days.”

If time off isn’t available, try to schedule meetings with potential employers over lunch or after hours.

Kabell also recommends using caution when working with professional recruiters who may inadvertently send your resume to someone your boss knows.

“Be sure you know who those resumes are going to,” she says.

Over the past nine years, Kabell has helped all kinds of people find new jobs through her business Career Resume Consulting. Kabell estimates that about a quarter of her clients are already employed when they begin their search, and less than half of that group has told current employers.

If you do plan to tell your boss you are looking, Kabell says, explain that you will not be searching on company time

and frame your reason for moving on in non-confrontational terms. Focus on understandable explanations, such as a need for additional income or interest in advancement within your field. Also, try to provide a timeline for when you think you may be leaving, and offer to help train your replacement. All of these tips will help you get out of there on a good note.

Next, tell everyone in your network that you are on the hunt.

Exposing yourself — your accomplishments, strengths and experience — to the widest possible audience is vital to a successful search, secret or not, Kabell says.

Luckily, it’s easy to put yourself out there, even if your search is confidential.

Tips on acquiring a new job g TELL THE RIGHT PEOPLE. If you are not telling your boss, do not tell anyone at the office — not even your closest work friend, Kabell says, “but you can tell your nonwork friends, you can tell your family, and you can tell your contact list that doesn’t have close contact with the people at your company.” g ANONYMIZE AS NEEDED. Don’t fear the “public” setting on the online job boards, Kabell says. No one will see your resume if you set it to private. To be safe, anonymize identifying details — leave your name confidential (but try to indicate whether you are male or female), establish a professional but anonymous e-mail address (i.e. MissouriSalesProfessional@email.com), list only

your city and state in lieu of an address and describe your current position and employer with general descriptions (i.e. “Head of HR for leading technology firm”). g BEEF UP YOUR LINKEDIN PROFILE. But change your settings so that your network isn’t notified every time you update your profile, and don’t say that you are “looking for a job.” “You do want to bulk up your LinkedIn account by adding a lot of your accomplishments,” Kabell says. She recommends making your personal summary a “first-person narrative of what your true strengths are and what makes you a strong candidate without actually saying you’re looking for a job.”

SOURCE: Tammy Kabell, career coach at Lee’s Summit, Mo.

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26

November 2011

| Josephine magazine |

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Friends and +* 3+0 money

%" /&)" % . +)" #+- 3+0 /+ Stick with protocol to help sustain close bonds -" % 3+0- $+ (. "/ 0. .0,,+-/ 3+0 (+*$ /%" 2 3 hen you share

By JIMMY MYERS I Josephine magazine

W

nearly every aspect of your life with your close friends, money matters might remain a cloudy area.

Sometimes it is an area where the details are best left vague.

There is protocol to follow in situations where youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re out together and money is being tossed around. And there are also rules to follow when one of your friends (or you) is having financial trouble.

Newcomers to the bar scene might be confused the first time a friend buys the first round of drinks. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve just gotten a free drink â&#x20AC;&#x201D; youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve just been included in convivial process that includes you bucking up for a future round of drinks.

Nathan Karr, owner of Fosterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Martini & Wine Bar, says the proper etiquette is to pay for one of the next rounds until your friends have all had a chance to pick up the tab for a round of drinks (This, of course, is not recommended with a large group of friends. Imagine how messy the night could get with a group of 12 all trying to complete the round-buying circle).

The clientele at Fosterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s is up to speed on this one he says, but if this etiquette were ever to be breached within his own group of friends, there would be consequences. â&#x20AC;&#x153;If thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s starting to happen, this guyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s immediately called out on the table and this guy is skewered,â&#x20AC;? he says laughing.

Another tip from Karr â&#x20AC;&#x201D; If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re joining a table that already has drinks, grab one for yourself at the bar before taking a seat with your friends. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Then youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll see the situation, the dynamic, of the table,â&#x20AC;? he says in regards to where they are in the round-buying

process, or if theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re just fending for themselves.

While taking turns buying drinks is a practice in camaraderie, asking/giving loans to friends is not a best practice in keeping a healthy friendship. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been a bad idea for a long time; even Shakespeare spoke of it in â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hamletâ&#x20AC;?: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry,â&#x20AC;? says Polonius to Laertes.

But friends still ask for money. And sure, you want to help, but how will that unpaid loan affect your friendship? Some advise to give only as much as you can afford â&#x20AC;&#x201D; but as a gift, and expect nothing in return. However, if you do decide to loan money to your friend, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a better choice than co-signing a loan for them because it can affect your credit rating.

According to credit.com, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best to set some parameters for payback, which might feel a little overly formal, but it protects you, and hopefully your friendship, too. Set an interest rate thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lower than what a bank can offer. Have your friend sign a contract that outlines the interest rate, how much is being borrowed and when the loan is to be paid back.That way youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have legal recourse should your pal abandon the loan and your friendship. If your friend wants to pay you a little at a time, set up an agreement on when those payments are due, and assess late fees for past due payments.

Dr. Rebecca Travnichek, a family finance education specialist for the University of Missouri Extension in Andrew County, agrees that loaning money to friends and family leads to trouble when it isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t paid back. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It can completely destroy relationships,â&#x20AC;? she says. â&#x20AC;&#x153;If you make a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;loanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; to a friend or family member and you realize they have no intention of paying it back and you are OK with that, then thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a different story.â&#x20AC;?

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average joe

Date night In most cases, men still prefer to do the asking ALONZO WESTON is a columnist and reporter for the St. Joseph News-Press. The St. Joseph native has served on the News-Press staff for more than 20 years. He and his wife, Deanna, have two children and a dog. The St. Joseph native is also a sports junkie who doesn’t pick up after himself. If you’d like to suggest an idea for this column, contact Alonzo at alonzo.weston@ newspressnow.com.

28

November 2011

opular folklore wisdom says there’s only one day a year when it’s OK for women to pursue men. That day, Sadie Hawkins Day, falls on Nov. 9 this year.

The day is named for a Lil’Abner comic strip character called Sadie Hawkins, whom mountain legend called “the homeliest gal in the hills.”

According to the Lil-Abner.com website, Sadie’s father, Hekzebiah Hawkins, a prominent “Dogpatch” resident, decreed the day in 1937 with a footrace where unmarried girls could chase the town’s eligible bachelors. If caught, the men had to marry the girls.

In a few years, Sadie Hawkins Day caught on across the country. It remained popular on many college campuses for years. Eventually it became a day for women to not chase a man to marry but take the initiative in inviting him out for a date.

With years of women’s equality, you would think this would be an outdated holiday. That’s not necessarily the case. No matter how liberated women have become, many still won’t ask a man out on first date.

Psychology Today reported on a survey where men and women were asked whether they preferred to ask someone out, or would rather be asked out on a date.

Of the 87 heterosexuals, 31 males and 55 females who answered the question, 93 percent of the women preferred to be asked out while only six percent preferred to do the asking out. The majority of men, 83 percent, preferred to do the asking, while 16 percent preferred to be asked out for a date.

| Josephine magazine |

Opinions vary on the healthboard. com message boards.

One woman said she didn’t see why see why a woman can’t chase.

“I have been chasing forever. I had been married for seven years (I divorced). Now I am chasing again. I know that men think that women who chase are sexy and it’s a great turn on for them. And it also is refreshing for them to be chased. In Europe it’s actually a very common thing.”

But another female respondent said rarely does a man fall in love with a woman who is too available.

“If you’re looking for just sex, then pursuing a man will get that for you, but if you’re looking for love or something long term, your best bet would be to put yourself in situations where you can meet men, be dazzling and charming, and the men who are really interested in you will come after you.

It’s in a man’s nature to pursue to get what he wants.”

In my single days, I did more chasing than being chased. I thought that was how the game was supposed to work.

If a woman bought me a drink or openly asked me out, I often thought it suspect. How many other guys did she ask before me? Was she doing it on a dare? Did she want to enact revenge on a cheating boyfriend?

All these thoughts went through my head.

At other times, my vanity would kick in. Hey, I worked out hard to get this body and I paid enough for these clothes, so why wouldn’t they want to get with me?

Being married now I am well past being concerned with such matters.

But my wife still likes it when I ask her out for a date.

newspressnow.com/josephine

his time of year, people spend a lot of time and money trying to scare people. From horror movies to displays of ghosts and goblins, there is a real need to freak people out.

Personally, I hate to be scared. If you think it would be funny to jump out from behind the door and yell “boo” at me, just know after I wet my pants I will probably cry and possibly never speak to you again.

My hyper-scare response comes from years of my family intentionally scaring me to get a laugh. They have made me so skittish, whenever someone wakes me from my slumber, I jump straight up, blankets flying, yelling, “What?!? What’s wrong?!?”

My son actually made a game of waking his ol’ mom, sneaking in and trying different ways of waking me just to see my responses.

Sometimes he would crawl up next to me and whisper “Mom,” the next time he would gently touch my cheek and not say a word and occasionally he would get about an inch from my face and breathe on me. Each time the response was the same. I jumped up like my hair was on fire.

I have tried to desensitize myself, and I’ve seen improvement, but there are some silly things that still get me.

Like the thought of a bug crawling into my ear when I sleep. This fear comes from the show “The Twilight Zone.” As a small child, I watched the episode where a man went camping, and while he slept, a bug crawled into his ear. The bug goes on to lay eggs in his head which then hatch. Eventually, the intense itching caused him to take a fork and drag it down his cheek. Millions of tiny bugs fell out.

That scene is etched in my mind, and it is the sole reason I make sure my hair is covering my ears every night before I go to sleep.

I also confess to getting the heebiejeebies when I walk onto the front porch after dark. This began when I was 5 years old, and I was trick-ortreating. My adult male neighbor thought it would be funny to scare the life out of a little chubby-cheeked girl dressed as a princess. I, the chubbyfaced princess, began to step onto his porch, and out jumped my neighbor who was dressed as a homeless man.

To this day, if I see a pile of rumpled clothing I still get cold chills. This man and his idea of fun may be the reason I never pursued a career in laundry services.

Realizing it is the time of year people like to be scared, I wondered what type of things were considered scary. After some research, here is a brief list of a few of my favorites: Alektorophobia (fear of chickens) — I am assuming this fear is before the breading and frying has occurred.

It just makes sense that the sufferer of alektorophobia also has pteronophobia, or the fear of being tickled by feathers.

Euphobia (fear of hearing good news) — I bet you a dollar, these people do not play the lottery.

Geniophobia (fear of chins) — Good thing my hubby doesn’t have this one because I have multiple chins, so our marriage would be difficult.

Optophobia (fear of opening one’s eyes) — Surely invented by the spouse who was asked “Does this dress make me look fat?”

Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) — I can only imagine this type of clown has a red ball on his nose and big floppy shoes and is not the kind your mother calls your ex-husband.

For those who like to get scared, please enjoy. But for me, I would love to live in a world free from plastic spiders and rubber mice. Or real mice, for that matter.

newspressnow.com/josephine

| Josephine magazine |

getting real

Scare tactics Keep your little tricks to yourself STACEY MOLLUS is a humor columnist

who believes laughter is the best form of exercise and happy people are the best looking people. She loves her family, chocolate, clothes that are stretchy and things that sparkle. You can contact her at queenofchocolates@live.com or follow her on Facebook at “Queen of Chocolates.”

November 2011

29

meal time

Breakfast anyone?

Custard-filled cornbread A very old recipe that has made a comeback. When the cornbread is done, no one will be able to figure out how you got the custard inside.

2 eggs 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted 3 tablespoons sugar 1/2 teaspoon salt 2 cups milk 1½ tablespoons white vinegar 1 cup all-purpose flour 3/4 cup yellow cornmeal 1 teaspoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1 cup cream Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Butter 8-inch square, 2-inch deep baking dish or pan. Place in oven and let it get hot while you mix the batter. Mix eggs with melted butter, beat until well blended. Add sugar, salt, milk and vinegar, beat well.

Whisk flour, cornmeal, baking powder and baking soda together, then add to egg mixture. Mix just until the batter is smooth and no lumps appear. Pour into heated dish, then pour cream into the center of the batter — don’t stir. Bake for one hour or until lightly browned. Serve warm.

I love breakfast, but in this busy world often the idea gets more attention than the real thing. When my stepdaughters were small, these breakfast recipes were a ritual greatly appreciated by all.

French toast James Beard’s favorite French toast recipe. The cornflakes give each bite a crisp crunch.

3 eggs 1/2 cup milk 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 cups cornflakes 6 slices dense white bread 4 tablespoons unsalted butter 6 tablespoons sugar Stir eggs, milk, nutmeg and salt together until well blended. Strain through a sieve into a shallow bowl (one you can dip the bread into easily). Crumble cornflakes slightly (making each flake about half its size) and spread on piece of waxed paper. Dip (don’t soak) both sides of bread into the milk batter, then press each side of bread into flakes.

Coat well. Melt half the butter in 12-inch skillet over medium heat and fry three slices of bread until golden on each side. When done, sprinkle about 1 tablespoon sugar on top of each slice. Keep warm in 250-degree oven while frying the other three slices in the remaining butter. Serve hot.

Heavenly hots These are the lightest sour cream silver-dollar sized pancakes ever.

4 eggs 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 cup cake flour 2 cups sour cream 3 tablespoons sugar Put all the ingredients in a blender, blend until well mixed. Heat griddle or frying pan until hot, film with grease and drop small spoonfuls of batter onto the griddle (just enough to spread about 2½ inches round). When bubbles appear on top, turn over and briefly cook. This makes about 50 small pancakes.

Maple syrup butter This recipe makes good maple syrup even better!

1/2 cup maple syrup 1/2 cup water 4 tablespoons unsalted butter Warm over low heat until the butter is melted, stir to blend and serve.

MATT REID/Josephine Magazine

LONNIE GANDARA TAYLOR is a St. Joseph native who has returned home after a prestigious career in the culinary field. She taught cooking classes in the San Francisco Bay area for years and was a professional assistant to Julia Child, James Beard, Martha Stewart, Simone Beck and Martin Yan, among others. She is a graduate of the Paris Cordon Bleu, the Academie du Vin in Paris and the first culinary class held in the Oriental Hotel in Bangkok, as well as being the author of five cookbooks.

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November 2011

| Josephine magazine |

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