Kin January 2011

kin

FeBruary 2011

ST. JOSEPH’S MAGAZINE FOR FAMILIES

giving athletes a heads up

A new program monitors concussions in student athletes

Kansas City MuseuM

The History of K.C. unfolds in the former home of one of its fathers

Being adults For the Kids A post-divorce parenting plan can help reduce the trauma for everybody

teMper, teMper

How to stay calm when your child throws a fit

desKtop ConCert

A great stereo system can consist of your computer and a pair of good speakers

in your house growing up?

Jennifer Gordon | reporter My dad is very particular about his sleep, especially his afternoon naps.

When he was resting, my sister and I had to play quietly so as not to, as his family lovingly puts it, disturb the bear.

Paul Branson | presentation editor No snakes in the house. Dad doesn’t like snakes at all. I found that out after bringing home a tiny ringneck snake I had found in the woods near my house. Dad was emphatic.

Betsy Lee | columnist The most important rule in my house growing up was honesty. you could do all sorts of naughty stuff ...but if you lied ...whoa! Watch out!

Shea Conner | reporter My sister and I always had to finish all of the food on our plate. The only time the rule was ever broken was when I sat at the kitchen table and refused to eat peas in a Strom Thurmond-like filibuster.

I broke Mom after three hours and was never required to eat peas again.

Have a story idea or photo you’d like to see in Kin? Send it to kin@npgco.com or call (816) 271-8594.

Jess DeHaven A little about me: Jess DeHaven is Kin’s editor. She and her husband are the parents of a 3-year-old daughter.

Three cats round out their family. When she’s not cleaning up after everyone, Jess enjoys reading, cooking and travel. At this time of year, you can often find her in front of the TV cheering on the Jayhawks.

05 ImPACT program monitors concussions in student-athletes.

06 You can block out Old Man Winter with a door-draft stopper.

07 The tale of a city.

08 Seafood doesn’t have to be just for summer.

09 Make an upgrade for your speakers that’s loud, stylish or both.

10 As technology permeates classrooms, children develop skills sooner.

12 Developing a post-divorce parenting plan benefits everyone.

16 Stay calm when your child throws a fit.

18 Yes, it’s cold, but that’s no excuse to hole up in the house.

20 The new year is the perfect time to gauge spending and create a game plan.

KeeP your HeaD in THe game | By Jennifer gorDon maKe a Door Snuggie | By george STanTon

KanSaS CiTy muSeum | By SHea Conner

foileD again! BaKeD SHrimP SanDWiCHeS | By DaWn forSBerg

DeSKToP DeCiBelS | By BlaKe Hannon

KiD meeTS ComPuTer | By erin WiSDom for KiDS’ SaKe | By Tamara Clymer

Trying TanTrumS | By Jennifer Hall geT ouT THere |

folloW THrougH on finanCial reSoluTionS | By erin WiSDom

Kin’s editor is Jess DeHaven Paul Branson is the presentation editor The photo editor is Todd Weddle

On the cOver: Lisa and Matt Rock may be divorced, but they’ve learned to work together to parent their son, Billy, center.

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We asked our staff the following question: What was the biggest rule

Contents.February11

Contributors

Getting two people to agree on rules for parenting a child can be difficult even when both are living together.

Taking into account differences in personality as well as the way you were raised, couples often come at parenting from different angles. And when you add a divorce into that equation, the potential for conflict is just that much greater, and the kids are the ultimate losers. When you can’t get along enough to stay together, it can be difficult to work out a set of parenting rules for both houses, but one local family has found out how worth it that is. Lisa and Matt Rock have been divorced for most of their 17-year-old son’s life, but they’ve worked together to be consistent in parenting Billy and it’s paid off for all of them. You can read about how they’ve managed that on Page 12.

Also in this month’s edition, we’ve got a story about handling tantrums.

As the mom of a pre-schooler, I can certainly relate to the frustration of dealing with a child in full meltdown mode.

Check out Page 16 to find out how to avoid throwing a tantrum of your own.

I can remember life before computers, so it’s mind-boggling when I see the kids in my life are more technologically proficient than I am. To see if your kids are on the right track with their computer literacy, turn to Page 10.

03

The parenting plunge

A very welcome surprise

By Betsy Lee

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A little about me: Betsy Lee is a freelance journalist. She lives in a perpetually messy house with her husband, two children and a neglected basset hound mix. You can e-mail her at contactbetsylee@gmail. com.

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Just like so many other woman out there have at one point or another, I peed on the stick.

I peed on the stick, certain that it would simply let me stop thinking about it.

After all, the chances of pregnancy were very, very slim.

So I peed.

Then I waited.

I emerged from the bathroom to find my husband covered in children.

“Well,” I told his expectant face, “I lit the sucker up.”

“You mean ...” he said, trailing off.

“Yup,” I answered. I didn’t need to continue. He knew.

We’ve been down this road before. And, to be frank, I vowed I wouldn’t retrace the path. My husband, then my longtime boyfriend, and I found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant with our first child in January 2007.

We were old enough, in love enough and financially secure enough to make the transition into parenthood relatively unscathed. Then in June 2009, we made a planned addition to our family.

We were teased that we had a child per year of marriage.

We laughed and said that we certainly wouldn’t continue the streak.

Turns out the joke truly was on us. In March 2011, we will celebrate our third anniversary. And just a few months later, in June, we’ll have our third child.

This baby was, in a word, unexpected.

(Defying. All. Odds.)

And as the pregnancy progresses, I find myself flitting back and forth between elation and frustration.

I just can’t believe we’re doing this ... again.

There is nothing more surreal than expecting a baby. You get the news and you wait. And wait. And wait. And regardless of how happy, sad, angry or excited you are, that baby is growing at his or her own pace and getting closer and closer to changing everything about your life.

In the first few weeks of this pregnancy, I rarely thought about our impending arrival. Except when I found my head buried in the toilet, it was easy to ignore.

Now, I think about him/her often. And I worry.

I worry that I don’t have what it takes to be the mother of three small children.

Do I have enough love? Enough patience? Enough time? Enough hands?

I worry for my two children, who are just finding a bit of peace and harmony together. How will they handle a newcomer?

I worry about myself. Will I go crazy with three(!) mini people who have needs that, much of the time, only I can meet? I’ll have to tie three extra sets of shoes, wipe three extra behinds and prepare three meals before sitting to eat my own. Can I handle all of this?

Even my 3-year-old says, since finding out about our impending new arrival, “Mommy, how can you take care of all of these people?”

I don’t know, child. I don’t know.

Here is what I do know.

I know that my children are lucky to have siblings. Siblings are often the people that know you best. After all, they’ve been there since the beginning and they’ll be there until the end. Siblings are your playmates, your co-conspirators, your latenight confidants and your partners when caring for aging parents. And they will all (yes, we’re done after this one) be within four years of one another. They will be able to be there for one another in ways I’ll never fully understand.

I know that we, my husband and I, are lucky to be able to conceive. And we are so privileged to have wonderful, amazing children who blow me away daily with their insight, caring and ideas. We will also be done, very early in life, with the infancy and toddler stages. We’re knocking it all out in a hectic and insane period that we will likely scarcely remember.

So bring it, baby boy or girl!

We may not be ready for you. But we’re holding out open arms anyway.

You are definitely unexpected. But certainly not unwelcome.

Keep your head in the game

ImPACT program monitors concussions in student-athletes

G

etting your bell rung is often more serious than a bump on the noggin. Concussions and traumatic brain injuries can lead to a chemical imbalance in the brain affecting mood and short-term memory. Although easy to treat, symptoms might be easily overlooked, especially in a sports game.

Missing warning signs is dangerous, says Midwest Rehabilitation certified sports trainer Brenda Bauman. If an athlete were to receive a second head injury before the brain’s chemicals have reached homeostasis, he or she stands a chance of permanent brain damage or, in a worst-case scenario, death.

Ms. Bauman, who also works with both the Benton and Central high school football teams, sees a lot of concussions on the field.

“On the sidelines a lot of times they’ll ask questions over and over again. They just keep repeating and repeating; usually that’s a dead giveaway,” she says.

Dilated pupils also are a big tell, as are tingling, dizziness, headache, sensitivity to light and the more obvious symptoms, loss of consciousness or vomiting.

Treatment for concussions is easy: Patients must be symptom-free for a week before they participate in physical activity. Determining

whether a student is symptom-free, however, can be tricky for coaches or adults who don’t know a child as well as a parent.

A computerized test makes it easier. Heartland Regional Medical Center and Missouri Western State University collaborated this year to offer a pilot program of the Immediate PostConcussion Assessment and Cognitive Testing (ImPACT) system, a computerized test to better gauge when a high school or college student athlete has recovered from an injury. Students first take a baseline test that measures processing speed, verbal and visual memory and reaction time. If a student were to get a concussion, a coach or athletic trainer could give the simple test again to compare the results.

Representatives from Heartland and Missouri Western give the baseline test at all five high schools in St. Joseph at the start of the fall, winter and spring athletic seasons. Elementary and middle school students are not eligible for the ImPACT test because their brains are not yet fully developed, says Missouri Western assistant athletic trainer Kate Esely.

For more information on ImPACT, contact Heartland sports medicine coordinator Gary Hazelrigg at (816) 387-3222.

— Jennifer Gordon, Kin magazine

stay well

Concussion-free gear Not all head injuries are avoidable, but wearing protective gear helps reduce the risk that a head injury could result in something more serious.

• Properly fitted helmets are a must for football, softball and baseball players. The right-sized helmet should allow three finger widths between the nose and the face mask. Also check that the helmet doesn’t move around when you pull on the mask.

• For those sports that don’t require helmets, such as soccer and basketball, keep your head safe with a mouth guard, Bauman says.

How To

Make a door snuggie

mAteRiAls list: › Tape measure › Scissors › Utility knife › Yard stick or straight edge › Pen or marker › Package of foam tubes 24-inches long (3 for $4.99) › Hot glue gun or bottle of fabric glue ($4.99) › Scrap piece of thick, dark fabric about 12-inches wide by 38-inches long

For less than half the price of a popular TV advertised brand, you can block out Old Man Winter with an easy-to-make door-draft stopper Production notes: If you find your door snuggie is too long, simply cut off the excess using a utility knife and patch a piece of fabric on the end; Using dark colored fabric will mask dirt that may accumulate over time; You may also wish to use an electric carving knife to cut the foam if you have one.

1. tAke two Make two measurements to find the length for the foam tubes.

The first will be the doorjamb and the second will be the door.

After getting these measurements, subtract about a half inch to accommodate the fabric folds.

2. stick it togetheR Since the foam tubes are 24-inches long and come in a package of three, you’ll have to use the extra one to create the two lengths you’ll need for the project. Place the two tubes end-to-end and use your tape measure to mark the size using a pen. Cut along the mark with a utility knife and glue the ends together using fabric glue or a glue gun.

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3. size the fAbRic

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The formula for the width of the fabric is the circumference of the foam tubes times two, the thickness of the door, plus a half-an-inch fabric overlap times two again. The measurement needs to err on the side of excess as it’s easier to take up slack by gluing up more fabric than not having enough. Once you have the size, use a yardstick or straight edge and cut the width. The length of the fabric should be about an inch longer than the longest foam tube.

4. Roll it up Run a few beads of glue down one side of the fabric onto which you will start gluing the longer foam tube. As you begin rolling, run glue along the foam tube until the fabric comes together. Fold and glue the ends down. Center the shorter tube with the completed one. Glue and roll it up until the fabric meets again.

›

5. Adjustments Test your door snuggie. If you find it too loose, glue and roll up the slack. Once you get a size that’s fairly tight, let it sit overnight for the glue to harden. After the glue has cured, you won’t have to watch those dollar bills fly out from underneath your door ever again.

Illustrations and story by George Stanton If you have a suggestion or idea on illustrating a how to, please contact George Stanton at george.stanton@newspressnow.com.

Kansas City Museum In 1891,

Robert A. Long and his family arrived in Kansas City and immediately made an impact. The young lumber baron transformed a town full of saloons and stockyards into a grand city, constructing KC’s first skyscraper and sparking the urban development intact today.

Naturally, the Kansas City Museum found its home in Long’s former grand mansion — Corinthian Hall — on Gladstone Boulevard.

“We don’t just play out his role in the museum because we’re in his home and on his estate,” says Andrew Mouzin, the community relations specialist for the Kansas City Museum.

“We have to play it out.

He was such a major part of Kansas City’s foundation.”

That’s why you’ll find the Long family

in several photos around the museum, along with their breathtaking tapestries and wife Loula Long’s collection of eccentric hats.

But there’s far more to view beyond the Longs’ possessions.

Items in the muSubmitted photo seum date back as far as the midRobert A. Long.

1800s, and Mouzin says some of his favorites include one of the first Cadillac models ever made and photos of the 1923 Kansas City Blues minor league baseball team, which won the American Association pennant that year. The museum is also home to an outstanding collection of Native American art and artifacts.

“It’s one of the top collections in the country,” Mouzin says.

Those who would like to experience the history of Kansas City in a theater environment might want to stop by the museum’s planetarium. Now called the “StoryTarium,” the Kansas City Museum and Kansas City Public Television have teamed to make the venue one that showcases historic feature films such as “Union Station Massacre,” “Over Here! The Story of Kansas City and World War II” and “The Pony Express.” Films are played at noon and 2 p.m. Tuesdays through Saturdays.

Mouzin says the most-frequented mu museum events are the First Sunday Family Fun days on the first Sunday of every month. These days give children the opportunity to have fun while learning.

Historic games like scavenger hunts and matching games are held on the grounds.

For the creative children in your

day trip

Submitted photo

The Kansas City Museum showcases the city’s history.

family, arts and crafts activities are always planned on Family Fun days.

“It’s a great time for kids especially,” Mouzin says. “It’s something completely inexpensive, too, because it’s free.”

For more information, call the Kansas City Museum at (816) 483-8300 or visit www.kcmuseum.com.

— Shea Conner, Kin magazine

Submitted photo

The museum offers kids’ events on its Family Fun days.

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The tale of a city

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IngredIents

quick food

Valerie Mosley/Kin magazine

Curses! Foiled again! Baked Shrimp Sandwiches

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These baked shrimp sandwiches are easy to make and a breeze to clean up. The bread gets nice and toasty and the cheese melts, making this a change from a cold shrimp salad sandwich. It is reminiscent of a tuna melt but without the tedious task of having to watch it carefully under the broiler. These can be made ahead and refrigerated — just wrap the sandwiches in foil, sealing them. Open up the top of the foil package when you bake them. You can substitute cooked chicken, tuna or ham for the shrimp, just make sure you keep your ingredients in bite-sized pieces.

A little diced red bell pepper adds a nice flavor and color element. For a zesty version, omit the dill and add some minced pickled jalapenos and chopped fresh cilantro leaves. These hot, toasty sandwiches paired with a steamy bowl of soup are perfect for cold winter nights.

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By Dawn ForsBerg

1 pound cooked small or large shrimp, chopped into bite-sized pieces 1/2 cup chopped celery 1/2 cup sliced green onions 1/2 cup American or Cheddar cheese, cut in 1/2-inch cubes 1/2 cup Pepper Jack or Monterrey Jack cheese, cut in 1/2-inch cubes 1 teaspoon seasoning salt 1 teaspoon garlic powder 1 teaspoon black pepper 1 teaspoon paprika 1½ cups good-quality mayonnaise 1 teaspoon dried dill 1 loaf french baguette, cut into four pieces

dIrectIons Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large mixing bowl, mix all ingredients together, except the baguette.

Cut the baguette into four equal pieces. Slice each piece horizontally, almost all the way through. Tear off four 16-inch square pieces of aluminum foil and place bread in center of each square. Spoon shrimp mixture into bread and gather foil around each sandwich, leaving the top open about an inch or so. Place foil bundles on a baking sheet and put in oven. Bake for about 15 minutes or until cheese melts. Let rest a few minutes, then serve. Serves four.

A little about me: Dawn Forsberg is the author of “Dawn’s Kitchen Cuisine” and has won numerous recipe contests in magazines such as Better Homes and Gardens and Cook’s Country. Before moving to St. Joseph four years ago, she lived in San Diego, Calif., where she had her own business, “It Dawned on Me,” making and selling fruit salsas, barbecue sauces, mustards, chutneys, soups, salads and pickles.

She is now a stay-at-home mom to two children, two stepchildren and four grandchildren.

Desktop decibels

want that

Make an upgrade for your computer speakers that’s loud, stylish or both

— Blake Hannon, kin magazine

LOGITECH S220 2.1 MULTIMEDIA SPEAKER SYSTEM (starting at $23. Available at Walmart, Best Buy, Amazon.com and Logitech.com) What? You didn’t think a sonic setup up would cost you an arm and a leg, did you?

The modestly priced Logitech S-220 2.1 Multimedia Speaker System offers a pair of satellite speakers and a subwoofer that highlights the bass that vanishes when played out of most desktop speakers. Plus, it comes with an easy pod remote that has a plug-in for headphones and allows adjustment of both volume and bass controls to your liking.

JOEY ROTH CERAMIC SPEAKERS ($495.

Available at JoeyRoth.com or Amazon.com) Rarely has a speaker looked more like a minimalist work of art than the Joey Roth Ceramic Speakers. They have a fetching design and are constructed from porcelain, cork and birch.

But thanks to the Tripath amplifier, it delivers where it counts in the high and mid-range.

M-AUDIO STUDIOPHILE AV 40 (starting at $149.99.

Available at M-Audio.com, Amazon.com and Apple.com) They are certainly larger than the average desktop speaker, but that’s only because they deliver way-larger-than-average sound. The M-Audio Studiophile AV 40 has a 4-inch woofer and 1-inch tweeter with a bass boost and excellent frequency response.

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Let’s face it. Even if you have a flat-screen TV that can be seen from space or a stereo system that neighbors occasionally mistake for full-fledged rock concerts, is that where you spend most of your time in a given day? Chances are, you spend just as much time — if not more — in front of your computer at home, whether you’re gaming, surfing the Web or getting down to the music in your iTunes library. And you probably experience all this on speakers that came with your computer and leave much to be desired.

This is unacceptable. It’s time for an upgrade, folks. Here, we have some computer speaker options that will substantially increase your computer’s sound quality, make a stylish statement, or, in some cases, a little bit of both.

09

‘‘

probably 10 years ago, you wouldn’t have had kindergartners who have knowledge of how to use a laptop. A lot of these kids now, they just know their stuff. It’s just amazing how savvy they are.

— BRiAn ShindoRF,

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assistant director of curriculum and instruction, St. Joseph School district

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photo by todd Weddle Kin magazine

As technology permeates classrooms, children develop skills sooner

Kid meets computer The sentiment that school has changed since you were a kid is perhaps truest when it comes to the technology used in classrooms today.

And with computers popping up as early as preschool, so does a question: How soon should parents encourage computer use at home? According to Tammy Flowers, early childhood coordinator for the St. Joseph School District, parents should be teaching basic computer skills around the same time they’re teaching the ABCs. “In the early childhood years, the parent-to-child interactions are invaluable. We recommend that parents integrate technology into their everyday lives and model appropriate, real-life uses for the computer,” she adds. “Young children ask many ‘why’ questions that we don’t always have the answers to. Utilize those instances as teachable moments and feel confident in saying ‘I don’t know. Let’s use the computer to see if we can figure it out.’”

This kind of modeling helps young children see the computer as more of a tool than a toy, Flowers notes. She also says that the SJSD early childhood team, in collaboration with Success By 6, has developed a website — www.destinationkindergarten.

blogspot.com — that teaches children the computer can be utilized as a resource for gathering information.

Once they’re in a preschool classroom, children are exposed to computers not only as learning tools but also as tools for communication and expression. Some teachers use their computers in combination with classroom projectors to allow students to communicate with other people or classrooms via Skype, for example.

Another common use for computers is for students to create digital storybooks using photos taken at school.

“This teaches the children that their thoughts can be expressed using digital content,” Flowers says.

She adds that a few early-childhood goals children are evaluated on as early as 3 years old include “explores with technology,” “names and identifies technology tools,” “associates technology tools with appropriate use,” “applies technology tools for appropriate use,” “uses technology to receive information” and “uses computer to input digital information (typing, clicking, moving pointer, recording voice, etc.).”

As children progress in school, so do the expectations concerning what

they can do with a computer, says Brian Shindorf, assistant director of curriculum and instruction for the St. Joseph School District. He adds that a defining time in this progression is third grade, when students begin using the computer for word processing on a regular basis and incorporating it into projects in other ways, as well.

“They’ll pull up graphics, put them in PowerPoints,” he says. “They’re getting a whole lot more sophisticated” in their computer use.

Move on up to high school, and computer use becomes as advanced as that in a biotech class where the computer itself is a tool in experimentation, measuring temperatures, creating charts and otherwise “collecting massive amounts of data,” Shindorf says.

This is a far cry from the days science classes didn’t offer anything more advanced than beakers and Bunsen burners. But perhaps the change perfectly fits a world where children can navigate smart phones before they learn basic multiplication.

“Probably 10 years ago, you wouldn’t have had kindergartners who have knowledge of how to use a laptop,” Shindorf adds. “A lot of these kids now, they just know their stuff.

It’s just amazing how savvy they are.”

— Erin Wisdom, Kin magazine

after divorcing in 1993, matt and lisa rock learned how to put their differences aside and work together to raise their now 17-yearold son, Billy.

For kids’ sake Developing a post-divorce parenting plan benefits everyone

By Tamara Clymer W Photographed by Todd Weddle

att and Lisa Rock hadn’t planned on ending it this way.

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The couple had dated for nearly four years before they married in 1992, spending a lot of time getting to know each other. But a year later, the rookie police officer and veteran Quaker Oats employee were ready to call it quits. Between conflicting work schedules and a high-risk pregnancy, the stress was more than their marriage could take.

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“So bam, bam, bam! It just overwhelmed us,” Lisa says.

“We thought we could work through those differences, but it just didn’t work out.”

The couple separated and a few months later divorced.

But what didn’t end with the breakup of their marriage was their commitment to their son, Billy.

“We both wanted the best for him,” she says. “But I can’t say that happened right off the bat.

It was tough. There were so many emotions.”

They are devoted parents.

They show up at their kid’s ballgames, find a seat at the high school play and work hard to make sure they’re on the same page when it comes to discipline. They make it look easy.

But there was a time, right after their divorce, that the pair had a hard time getting past the pain of the breakup so they could concentrate on raising their son.

“During the first year and a

half or so, there were challenges just to make sure we were both on the right page with each other,” Matt says.

That page is right where Dr. Shirley Taylor says parents should start. All too often, the psychologist at Heartland Regional Medical Center sees parents get caught up in the highly charged emotions of a divorce. And while they may want to do what is right for their kids, instead they get swallowed by a deep-seated desire to get back at their former spouse, leaving the kids as pawns in a nasty game of postmarital chess. Instead, Taylor encourages parents to do what they can to keep the negativity at bay.

“You have to control those emotions,” she says. “Keep your issues and the kids’ needs separate.”

Matt admits it was tough at first.

“You figured you would be spending the rest of your life with this person,” he says.

“That is what you signed on for. People get past that at different speeds, but I think our recovery rate was pretty good.”

But even as they were struggling to work through the pain, they refused to let their feelings for each affect their son.

“I always said I would let a Mack truck run over me for the sake of my child,” Lisa says. “So I always bit my lip. I never said anything.”

They went out of their way to co-parent and in the process found a way to set aside those raw emotions and start working together. Still, they say it was several years before they finally reached the place where they were truly a team.

“There were a lot of things we could have fought about, but we didn’t,” Lisa says. “We had some differences in what we thought of as parenting, but we always talked them out.”

It didn’t come easily. The St. Joseph residents had to make

some serious lifestyle adjustments to get where they are today — and it started by being flexible. While the court had established a schedule of when Billy was supposed to spend time with his dad, the pair took the extra step of letting their son determine if he wanted extra time with his father.

“We were never hung up on a rigid schedule,” Matt says.

“It was more about what would best serve us and him. Even though she’s been the primary caregiver for him, my house has always been open.”

Taylor says that’s another sign of a healthy post-marriage relationship. If parents can listen to each other and take into account the other’s needs, they’ll usually find a willing partner.

“If there is any way you can make a deal, make an even-steven trade,” Taylor says. “If they can concede and accommodate once in a while to build up good will, they will probably get some accommodation back at some point.”

What also will help is backing each other up on discipline decisions — even if you don’t agree with it. Lisa and Matt started out by sitting down and laying out a plan.

“He came to me and said, ‘If there is something going on and he is grounded, he is grounded at my house, too,’” Lisa says.

“We both agreed on that.”

Taylor says kids need this kind of consistent discipline, even if their parents are separated.

“I always think it’s stellar when parents can do that,” Taylor says. “The children will learn better from the grounding if both parents are behind it.”

‘‘

You can’t just say, ‘Guess what? You’re not a part of my life anymore.’ Our roles have changed, but you still have that common past.

And you still have that common future — our son.

— Matt Rock, on his relationship with his ex-wife, Lisa

Unfortunately, it’s a rarity.

When one parent only has the kids for a couple of days every other weekend, they find it hard to be the bad guy during what little time they have. But Taylor says by not following through on your ex’s discipline, you’ll teach your child that they can pit you against each other, which could be a sign that it’s time to get some outside help. If all else fails — and maybe even before it does — Taylor suggests former couples seek post-divorce counseling.

The challenges facing a split family can be huge. Even a small argument stemming from extra-curricular sports, teen dating or braces can quickly blow up into an all-out argument. Taylor says most of the time counselors are able to help former couples negotiate a compromise.

“Most of the time the compromise will center around what the kid wants and how can we set our rigidity or bitterness aside,” she says. “We try to make it more a win-win situation so that everyone’s needs get

met, even if it means an alteration of schedule.”

Matt and Lisa were able to negotiate those compromises on their own. In fact, the only real dust-up the former couple has endured in their 17 years of divorced parenting was an argument over their son’s hair. And it was a doozy.

Matt wanted Billy’s hair cut short. Lisa wanted it long. He got it cut. Lisa was furious.

Several years later the argument brings smiles to both of their faces. They leave hairstyles up to their son and instead have built their relationship into one of mutual respect.

“They work together on almost anything and they talk to each other all the time,” 17-yearold Billy says. “It’s kept me in line because I can’t just break the rules at one house and then run and escape to the other.”

They get along so well, they often spend birthdays, holidays and other special occasions with each other, ensuring that Billy doesn’t have to choose between them. They’ve also mended their personal relationship to the point of friendship. Matt is now the executor of Lisa’s will and, with Matt’s girlfriend’s blessing, the two talk on a regular basis about Billy and life in general.

“We were two people that were in love, and we have a child as a product of that love,” he says. “You can’t just say, ‘Guess what? You’re not a part of my life anymore.’ Our roles have changed, but you still have that common past. And you still have that common future — our son. To be linked like that you have to stay focused on what is important, and that is your child.”

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Stay calm when your child throws a fit

Trying TanTrums We’ve all seen that kid in the store. You know, the one flopping around doing his own rendition of a fish out of water.

But what if it’s your child throwing the tantrum?

photo by todd Weddle/Kin magazine

supposed to do? It’s difficult sometimes.”

Rybolt says children don’t understand the logic of what a parent is telling them.

“How do you explain to a 2-year-old that they can’t have something when there is a cart full of stuff in front of them?”

For Williams, at least two of her children have grown out of the tantrum phase.

Rybolt says tantrums can come at almost any age.

“They don’t know how to verbalize what they want or need,” she explains. “Even if they have the words, they might not be able to tell you.”

“I want mommy” can bring on a tantrum, but why they want mommy would better explain the fit being thrown.

“They’re not doing it because they’re mad,” says Rybolt. “My kids do it because I don’t understand what they want and what they’re trying to tell me. They want your attention; they just don’t know how to tell you.”

— Jennifer Hall, Kin magazine

| FEBRUARY2011.kin

“Try your hardest to not get upset because they feed off that,” says Cathy Rybolt, a lead preschool teacher at Enchanted Learning Childcare in St. Joseph. “Stay as calm as you can.”

Rybolt, who has a bachelor’s degree in child and family studies and two small children of her own, says to ignore the bad behavior.

“What I found works the best is choices,” she says.

The Maryville, Mo., woman will begin doing the task she wants her child to do.

Mimicking acceptable behavior can sometimes get what you want.

“It’s an ideal situation but doesn’t always work out,” she says.

The screaming, kicking and crying is all too familiar for Destinee Williams. The single mom of three says that tantrums have her barely wanting to leave the house.

“I never know when they’re going happen or why,” she says. “I ignore them usually, but when you’re out in public, what are you

17

kids stuff 01I18

Things to do with young people

3-D Movie and Craft Event. “Shrek 3-D” and “B.O.B.’s Big Break.” 3:30 to 5 p.m., free. Refreshments provided.

Washington Park Library, St. Joseph.

232-2052.

01I18

‘Bridge to Terabithia.’ A production based on the Newbery Award-winning novel.

Runs from Jan. 18 through Feb. 27 at the Coterie Theatre in Kansas City’s Crown Center. (816) 474-6552, www. coterietheatre.org.

01I21

Library of Congress ‘Gateway to Knowledge’ traveling exhibition.

A one-of-a-kind exhibit for all ages.

The museum-style exhibits include a multi-media display, computer terminals displaying Library of Congress websites, an outline of the history of the Library of Congress and facsimiles of many national treasures. 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Jan. 21 and 22, East Hills Library, St. Joseph.

Free. 232-4038.

01I22

Polar Bear Pajama Party. Kids can enjoy a sleepover with their friends in the Kansas City Zoo’s brand new Polar Bear Passage viewing building. Discover the zoo’s newest star, Nikita the Polar Bear, and explore the zoo after hours. 7 p.m. to 8 a.m. $35 ($30 Friends of the Zoo members). (816) 513-5723, www. kansascityzoo.org.

01I22

Zoo ‘Arctic’ Tales. Experts at the Kansas City Zoo, armed with artifacts and more, will gather around exhibits so you can ask your favorite zoo questions. This month’s theme is the Arctic. (816) 513-5800, www.kansascityzoo.org.

01I29

Last Saturday Craft. The Remington Nature Center of St. Joseph continues its pioneer theme in a kids’ craft session about quilting.

Children get to design and complete a paper quilt square to take home. 2 p.m. (816) 2715499, www.stjoena turecenter.info.

02I01

‘Anansi, the Spiderman of Africa.’ Theatre for Young America celebrates Black History Month with this play adapted from the West African tales, including classic “trickster tales” such as Anansi’s Feast and Anansi’s Hat Shaking Dance.

Runs through Feb. 19 at Union Station’s Theater for Young America in Kansas City. (816) 460-2083, www.unionsta tion.org.

02I12

Second Saturday Story Time. The Remington Nature Center of St. Joseph celebrates the birthday of our 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, through stories. 2 p.m. (816) 271-5499, www. stjoenaturecenter.info.

02I15

Preschool Storytime. Introduce your children to books and reading while they experience a lively mix of stories, songs, puppets and rhymes. Kids also will learn new words in Spanish and American Sign Language. 10 a.m. to 1:30 p.m., East Hills Library, St. Joseph. 236-2102.

02I26

Last Saturday Craft. In honor of George Washington’s birthday, kids can participate in two colonial-era crafts: quilling and making silhouettes. 2 p.m., Remington Nature Center of St. Joseph.

(816) 271-5499, www.stjoenaturecen ter.info.

01I25

Movie Night. 2007’s ‘Zodiac’ (rated R). Admission and popcorn are free. 6:30 to 9 p.m., East Hills Library, St. Joseph.

236-2107.

01I18

Movie Night. 1937’s “Lost Horizon” (not rated). Admission and popcorn are free. 6:30 to 9 p.m., East Hills Library, St. Joseph. 236-2107.

01I29

01I18

‘Maybe Baby, It’s You.’ This production’s lead characters are two people with a laundry list of must-have qualities for a mate. The show opened Jan. 7, but you can still catch it through Feb. 20 at the American Heartland Theatre in Kansas City’s Crown Center Complex. (816) 274-8444, www.crowncenter.com.

01I18

BB King Concert.

7:30 p.m., Independence Events Center, Independence, Mo. $45 to $69.50. (800) 745-3000, www. ticketmaster.com.

01I20

Third Thursday Wine Tasting. Presented by Hy-Vee Wine & Spirits. Learn about and sample a variety of wines. 5:30 to 7:30 p.m., Albrecht-Kemper Museum of Art. $10 per person. 232-9750.

01I21

Opening reception for ‘Selections from the Elizabeth Smith Collection.’ 4 to 7 p.m., Albrecht-Kemper Museum of Art, St. Joseph. Exhibit open from Jan. 22 through April 10. 233-7003, www. albrecht-kemper.org.

01I21

Opening reception for Annual Membership Exhibition. 4 to 7 p.m. (awards ceremony begins at 6 p.m.), AlbrechtKemper Museum of Art, St. Joseph. The Membership Exhibition showcases the talents of museum members. Submitted artwork is divided into seven categories. The exhibition is then judged, and awards are presented in each category.

233-7003, www.albrecht-kemper.org.

01I21

Friday Wine Tastings. Sample a variety of wines. 5 to 8 p.m., Smooth Endings fine Wines, Spirits & Cigars, St. Joseph. $5. Tastings are held every Friday. 749WINE.

01I21

‘Last Mass at St. Casimir’s.’ Live performances of this comedy/drama at City Theatre of Independence. 8 p.m. Jan. 21 and 22; 2 p.m. Jan. 23. $10 adults, $7 seniors. Sermon Community Center, Independence, Mo. (816) 327-7367, www.citythe atreofindependence.org.

01I22 01

St. Joseph Sport & Gun Show. 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Jan. 22, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Jan. 23.

St. Joseph Civic Arena.

01I24 01 Photo courtesy of The Blanks

East Hills Library presents Jason Youngkeit. Explore the cultural diversity of Latin America and Argentina with Missouri Western’s Dr. Jason Youngkeit.

‘The Blanks.’ The singing/comedy quartet best known for a recurring role on the hit TV show “Scrubs” comes to the Missouri Theater for a special performance. Presented by the Performing Arts Association. 8 p.m. $12 to $32.

279-1225.

02I01

Movie Night. 1927’s “Wings” (not rated).

Admission and popcorn are free. 6:30 to 9 p.m., East Hills Library, St. Joseph.

236-2107.

02I05

St. Joseph Kennel Club Dog Show.

8 a.m., Feb 5 and 6. St. Joseph Civic Arena. Free admission.

02I08

Movie Night. 1942’s “The Major and the Minor” (not rated). Admission and popcorn are free. 6:30 to 9 p.m., East Hills Library, St. Joseph. 236-2107.

02I11

‘Honk: The Ugly Duckling Musical’ Presented by the Robidoux Resident Theatre. 7:30 p.m. Feb. 11 and 12; 2 p.m. Feb. 13. Missouri Theater, $9 to $16. 232-1778, www.rrtstjoe.org.

02I12

St. Joseph Antique Show. 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Feb. 12; 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Feb. 13, St. Joseph Civic Arena. $5.

02I15

Movie Night. 1997’s “Contact” (rated PG).

Admission and popcorn are free. 6:30 to 9 p.m., East Hills Library, St. Joseph.

236-2107.

02I19

‘Motown Magic.’ Presented by the Performing Arts Association. $12 to $47. 8 p.m., Missouri Theater. 279-1225, www. stjosephperformingarts.org.

|FEBRUARY2011.kin

good stuff

6:30 to 7:30 p.m., East Hills Library, St. Joseph. Free. 2362136.

Get a ‘sitter and try out these activities

19

| FEBRUARY2011.kin

money views

20

Follow through on financial resolutions

The new year is the perfect time to gauge spending and create a game plan

Don’t Just Block The Glare ...

up to

M

aybe you made a resolution this year to get a better grasp on your finances. But if you’re not in the habit of budgeting, where do you even start?

And how can you create a budget you’ll actually stick to?

The best first step might be to consider your approach not so much a budget as an expense management plan, because the word budget tends to have a negative connotation, says Tammy Scott, regional vice president of Primerica Financial Services. “Anybody that’s trying to do anything has to have a written game plan,� she adds.

To help clients form this, she has them track and record their expenses for a month to get an idea of exactly where their money is going — dividing it into categories such as home expenses, gas, groceries, entertainment, debt payments, insurance, savings and taxes. “The biggest thing we find is that people have hundreds of dollars seeping through the cracks,� Scott says. “They’ll spend $400 a month eating out — $15 or $20 a time — but have no emergency fund.�

Seeing how much money is slipping away on non-essentials makes it easier to determine how to reallocate funds, but allowing funds to still have some of the non-essentials you enjoy — if your situation allows it — can be a big help in enabling you to stick to your new plan. For example, you may have to give up eating out for lunch every day, but perhaps you could put aside the money to do so once a week. Or, even if you have to cut your monthly entertainment allotment significantly, consider stretching those funds at a dollar theater or by renting a movie for a family night at home.

Financial plans vary significantly based upon individual situations, Scott says, but one thing they have in common is the potential to help people meet goals much sooner than they would otherwise. “When people begin to see their debt decreasing and their savings increasing, something happens,� she adds. “ ... It gives them hope, and I think that’s what’s important.� — Erin Wisdom, Kin magazine

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Been there, done that

A wife’s sixth sense

By steve Booher

| FEBRUARY2011.kin

A little about me: As a parent and stepparent, Steve Booher has tried to keep his sense of humor while helping to raise five kids. He doesn’t claim to be the best parent out there, but he says he’s not the worst, either.

22

My wife and I found the bona fide Booher bargain of the century during a shopping trip a few weeks ago. Actually, she found it.

The story starts with a trip to a megastore in Kansas City. Usually, we shop local, but every once in a while we head to the big city and sometimes find a bargain that makes the trip worthwhile.

Chris and I have very different shopping methods.

I’m sure that’s a disappointment to her. When we were newly married, I think she envisioned us walking arm in arm through the various departments, and along the way we would pick out window treatments and compare floral bedspreads.

We couldn’t stop smiling because our color palettes were so compatible.

Yeah, I’m not that guy.

My wife is an organized and single-minded shopper.

She studies the circulars.

She makes lists and looks at nothing else. Johnny Cochran would say, “If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t exist.”

It’s an amazing display of disciplined commerce.

I’m a little less structured.

Once in the store, I head for nearest shiny object.

I fiddle with TV controls.

I play with the latest cool gadgets. I pick things up and look at them simply because I want to pick them up and look at them.

Once I stood in a computer department and played 10 games of Free Cell on a 32inch monitor just because I wanted to see Solitaire that big.

Yeah, the clerk was miffed.

Eventually the fun ends and I am summoned by a phone call or text message.

In our story today, it was a text that read, “Bargain cave.” I began my trek across the store, up one level and past the really expensive appliances.

This is where all the healthy stuff I’d been doing for the last few months paid off big time. Several months ago, there’s no way

I could have traveled that distance in one leg. I would have stopped twice to catch my breath and maybe even ducked outside to smoke.

But for the past few months I’ve been on a strict training regimen that includes brisk walking on a treadmill, and while I might not be ready for a marathon, I’ve cut my spouse-response time in half. Seriously, I can be anywhere in the biggest store in a mere five minutes.

I’m like Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt — only much slower. And shorter. And I’m from Iowa not Jamaica.

OK, so I’m more like a slimmer, in-shape Dick Cheney.

Anyway, when I arrived, Chris had found a dining room table in the scratchand-dent, so-cheap-youcan’t-believe-it, bargain cave. There she stood, petting its dark wood. The $650 on the price tag had been crossed out, and a new price, $149, was scrawled at the bottom.

My wife wore a familiar expression. It’s the one that says: “We must buy this table now before anyone else sees it. Steve, find the nearest sales associate and demand that he sell us this table! Now!” I, however, was unconvinced.

Why was the price so low? Was it defective? Now it was a table; six months from now would it be a just pile of toothpicks? Would I be eating some future day, hear a sharp crack and end up with a lap full of beef stroganoff ?

Stand back, honey, I said.

Let me take a look.

I examined the table

inch by inch. I tried to wiggle the legs. I sighted down to the top, looking for scratches or marks. As my wife’s expression changed to a mixture of disgust and embarrassment, I got on my back and slithered underneath to check out the hardware.

The table looked perfect, not a blemish.

Moments later, Chris signed the credit card slip and we were the proud owners of a square-shaped, burnished walnut dining room table.

While handing us the receipt, I saw the salesman slip my wife a packet of brown magic markers.

Cool, I thought, she must have told the salesman about our grandsons.

We have two, and they both have a habit of writing on walls and tables.

But if they use these wood-tone markers, their handwriting will never show.

“Hey, thanks,” I said to the salesman, “those magic markers will come in handy ...”

Now, my wife has a sixth sense that alerts her when I’m about to say something stupid. She usually speaks up and saves me from saying something embarrassing. Usually.

“When we get home,” she said quickly. “I really need you to go over the top and use those markers to color in the scratches along the edges. Will you do that for me?”

Oh, scratches. They were those markers that color in scratches.

“Sure,” I said to my wife.

“What else would we use those for?”

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