December 2015 - Digital Newsletter

DECEMBER 2015

the newsletter for nuçi’s space, a nonprofit musicians’ support/resource center

“This is how I tell it, oh, but it’s long…”

— Jeff Tweedy

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So please, do us (and yourself!) a favor during this busy holiday season and keep this email at the top of your inbox. These uplifting tales of hope, redemption, and victory over very real

ometimes a story takes a while to tell, especially when it comes to the inevitable twists and turns of a life’s journey. In compiling the following real life accounts of how Nuçi’s Space has helped people, there was a temptation to edit for brevity because, let’s face it—who has the time, let alone the attention span, to read 1000 word stories these days!

The thing is, though, when we take the time to listen and really get to know someone on a deeper level, we have the chance to connect in ways that just aren’t possible without investing a little time. With that said, the following accounts are being left almost entirely unedited. We wanted to give these stories a chance to be “Nuçi’s Space Hope” drawing by local artist Brianna Wells heard in the person’s own words struggles might just end up being five to ten of and style in the hopes that, through the details the most inspiring moments of your day. that take a little longer to explain, maybe you’ll get a clearer picture of the many different ways Nuçi’s Space impacts people.

Dave Chamberlin

When you shop at AmazonSmile, Amazon donates 0.5% of the purchase price to Nuçi Phillips Memorial Foundation Inc. All you have to do is bookmark this link:

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And use it when you shop at Amazon, you will be supporting us every time you shop.

nuçi’s space 396 Oconee Street Athens, GA 30601 706.227.1515 space@nuci.org www.nuci.org www.facebook.com/ nucisspace Design & Layout

Larry Tenner

Recent Donors August 24, 2015– November 23, 2015

Nuçi Phillips

Memorial Foundation

Board of Directors

President: Helen Herring Vice President: Lisa Allen Secretary: Amy Coenen Treasurer: temporarily vacant David Barbe Barrie Buck Todd Emily Drs. Jon & Nadine Forché Jack Jones Ellie MacKnight Dr. Bill Orr Dr. Charles Mixson Linda Phillips Melissa & Keyes Williamson Anna & Ken Zankel Founding Family

Linda Phillips Dr. Pierre Phillips KP Devlin Legal Counsel

Jim Warnes Executive Director

Bob Sleppy Nuçi’s Space Staff

Chris Byron Lesley Cobbs Debbie Watson Kristie Greene Dave Chamberlin Glenn Reece Joe Linehan Mikey Heptinstall Bobby Gray

Akridge, Ben & Joi Athfest, Inc. Baston, James Chalmers, Gayla Creamer, Meaghan DBT Recording, Inc. Emily, Todd Frye, Spencer Hanna, Dustin Kitchens, James Krohn, Vonda Dree Church Lewis, Jennifer Lewis, Sharon Lichtman, Dr. & Mrs. Jeffrey Lowery, David & Velena Vego Luken, Chris Massey, Joshua McCoy, David Ordonez, Dr. & Mrs. Carlos Pattavina, Denise Ranck, Brian & Alyson Roth, Ira & Julie Seskin, Stephanie

Smith, Steve & Kelly Sommer, Marc Spalding, Margie Spitzer Family Foundation Stortz, Jeff & Brooke Streahla, Jimmy & Laura Team Clermont Thomas, Kecia Thompson, Jodi Tomlinson, William Wales, Michelle Zeiler, Marlene & Mike In Honor of Finley Sleppy Sleppy, Janet In Memory of A. Nuci Phillips Zhepova, Fildes & Drita In Memory of Carl Lindberg Flat Edge Press Graduate Hotel Hale, David Jorgensen, Erik Wright, Trey In Memory of Corrina Louise Lowe Nash, Mark & Cindy

An Inside Perspective from The Space I came to America anticipating I would be immigrated in 6 months and working in 6 months and one day. After those 6 months passed it became apparent it was going to take considerably longer and throughout that time I could not legally work. It eventually took a total of 4 years!

I started going stir crazy when that 6th month hit, and so started looking for somewhere to volunteer. Music or museums were my first choice. I quite fancied myself archiving beautiful pieces of art or antiquities locked away in dusty vaults never seeing another person for weeks on end. I quickly found that Athens doesn’t have those so turned to music and Nuçi’s Space stood out like a beacon. I enjoyed volunteering at Nuçi’s Space for those 4 years.

I have lived with dysthymia (depression) since childhood and it has brought about many side effects from agoraphobia to severe pain, from anxiety to the more usual being sad and moody.

At times it is easy, other times not so much. I used Nuçi’s Space services, desperate and terrified at the prospect of going to see another doctor who would give me another incorrect diagnosis

In Memory of David Braun Braun, Josh In Memory of Devin Wiles Dibona, Frank Watford, Rachel In Memory of Elissa Hadley Hadley, Cecilia In Memory of Garrie Vereen Bandstra, Josh Dearwent, Steve Forche, Jon & Nadine In Memory of Jamie Toulan Joiner, Mr. & Mrs. Hank In Memory of Mark Pierce King, Harold W. In Memory of Peter E. Laux Laux, Joyce A. In Memory of Robert “Newt” Carter, Jr. Hadley, Cecilia Hill, Janette Powell, Mr. & Mrs. Fred

Wilfong, Thomas In Memory of Ted Hafer Greene, Jessica L. In Memory of Ted Hafer & Vic Chestnut Sugiuchi, Chris & Deirdre In Memory of Vic Chesnutt Hersch, Kristen In Kind Donations Allen, Trent Bailey, Scott Bell, John Byron, Joel Cleary, Brenda Elliott, Anne Guitar Center Holcombe, Ben Holcombe, Sonny Howe, Gage Kitchens, Jim Molloy, Bridget Mulchrone, Kathy Owens, Allen Rudow, Lars Wells, Brianna

and incorrect meds to go with it. But I had been volunteering at Nuçi’s Space for so long I couldn’t see how they would work with anyone not trustworthy.

Dr. Orr was a joy, the sessions were about me for my benefit and his care at balancing my meds and ensuring all was well was something I have never seen before. I went to see a counselor too and worked on my problems as best as I could.

When I finished I knew that if ever I needed it again I had a safety net. I was so glad I was able to get the help I needed when I needed it.

I have had a couple of destabilizing moments since, especially when my youngest daughter Corrina took her own life, but Nuçi’s Space has my back and I attend many of our SOS (Survivors of Suicide) meetings.

I really appreciate going through the Nuçi’s system not only to be well again but now I can assure our clients that our partners in the community are second to none and from my own experience I know that they are going to receive the best care available.

I have been at Nuçi’s Space now for 8 years or so and love the fact that I get up and think, yay I’m going to work today!

Lesley Cobbs Counseling Advocate

David Barbe Remembers Nuçi Phillips

can’t ever remember anyone ever being less than complimentary of Nuçi at all. He was the kind of guy I felt like I could ask for help with anything and he would do it without thinking twice.

All of these great qualities made his decision to take his own life that much harder for me to accept at the time.

When his mom called me a couple of months later and told me her idea, that she wanted to do something to help others like Nuçi—musicians in need, and those struggling with depression—I was all in. I was aware that suicide is the kind of thing that can destroy families, but here was Linda Phillips taking her own family’s tragic loss and turning it into something positive for others. How could I not be

thoughts of not wanting to live plagued me early in life. The first thoughts of suicide took place when I was only 7.

We went to church when I was 7 years old and they said that if I was saved, I would go to heaven when I died. At that point in my life, I was already ready to die. Life was too painNuçi Phillips was a great guy. ful already. At 7 years old all I could Visitors to the Space see his picture get my hands on was a knife and could on the wall and know the basics of his never muster the strength to drive it story, but that’s about it. through my chest. I just wanted to die He was a sensitive guy; funny as and go to heaven. Life was painful and hell, full of self-deprecating humor. miserable even after my mother remarThe thing that made that part of his ried and from the outside it looked like personality so endearing was the paraI should be ok. doxical nature of it. With many people, I was committing small crimes and self-deprecation is a mechanism for smoking weed, drinking and popping disguising flaws. In Nuçi’s case, he was pills by the age of 12. I only made it a smart, talented, handsome guy who to 13 years of age before I was genuinely loved by had a shotgun in my mouth everyone I encountered If you are looking for unique Christmas gifts we still have ready to do the job again. who knew him.

“Reconstruction of The Steeple” bricks for sale!

That same year (when I was He was a blazing guiContact Kristie Greene for more information at kristie@nuci.org 13) my mother left to go to tarist. His rig was a PRS rehab again and I was at my guitar and a Mesa combo lowest bottom. I had my 13th amp that was way too birthday earlier that year in loud for its own good, a rehab. I used when I got but Nuçi liked it loud out. Then I quit smoking enough that he could cigarettes and pot on my immerse himself in a own again and I was abstiwash of sound. The notes nent and miserable. My two he played would be more older sisters moved out at 14 audible today if there was and 15 years old, my mom less distortion, but that was gone, abstinence didn’t never seemed the point to work and I was stuck with a man and involved with that? How could I not me. He wanted to lose himself in the two brothers that were not my blood music. The thing about super distorted be a believer in the mission? To me, that’s where the rubber meets the road family. I was alone. amp tones is that lots of people use I became a convicted felon at 15 as when it comes to Nuçi’s Space. We them as a mask to hide the shortcomwell. That same year (when I was 15), I ings in their playing, as blurred images are beyond fortunate to have such a resource here. We are beyond fortunate was pointed in the direction of 12-step are more forgiving than crystal clear ones. In the case of Nuçi, it was as if he to have an opportunity to get involved. recovery after another two trips to rehab. I finally stayed clean from 15 was hiding his greatness behind it. on, but I have fought depression and The guitar playing was secondary thoughts of suicide coupled with to the songwriting. His musical ideas unsuccessful relationships and unsucwere unique, passionate, thoughtful, cessful careers and bands ever since. and reflective of his real personality.

When I was 26 years old, my girlUnderneath the layers of distortion, From the beginning of my life, I did friend at the time and I, moved to you can get to know him. The songs Athens to join a band. We were a dysnot feel worth much. My first stepfaare a view into someone who was functional couple with an age gap and thoughtful, reflective, melancholy, and ther was abusive. When I was 3 years her damaged childhood was probably old, I saw him reach for a knife to stab searching for something more. worse than my damaged childhood my mother in the stomach. I blacked He was a great friend. Everybody out. He stabbed her multiple times, but and I think that that made matters that knew him was truly fond of him, continued on next page as it was pretty hard not to be. In fact, I she survived and soon left him. The

Nuçi’s Was On My Mind

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even worse for us. We could not make it in a band and we could not make it with each other.

We were not happy and rarely went long without misery. I was kicked out of the band before any shows or touring, after only six practices because my girlfriend and I could not get along.

Shortly after that, my girlfriend left me and took everything in the house that was hers’ with her, including the car.

I wound up sitting in a closet of the house under a strong bar built for clothes hangers with a belt around my neck ready to do the job yet again. I could not do it. I could not kill myself at any age that I tried and really wanted to. I could not do it at 7, 13, or 26 years old. I could not do it! I took the belt off of my neck, stood up, left the house and walked. My girlfriend who left that day had our only car and I walked. I walked from East Athens all the way to Nuçi’s Space.

I had been to Nuçi’s Space before and that was all that was on my mind that day after I decided not to hang myself. I remember going there one day weeks before with my girlfriend and finding out what they were all about and I must have felt that they could help me because that is where I walked to the day of my very last attempt at suicide.

That day a very helpful, open, inviting and trustworthy staff member quickly took me and all my problems into a conference room and let me talk. They let me cry, they did not let me die. They sat with me for 2 hours.

They spoke only positive encouraging words. They did not let me die that day and set me up with an appointment for counseling immediately. They kept me on the line, called me back when they said they would and connected me with a counselor.

We soon learned in counseling that I needed to see a psychiatrist as well and that was a turning point. At some point I needed a break from all the depression, the stress, the unhealed

child abuse, and fight or flight default I thought all I was good for was mechanisms that I lived on for so sweeping or cleaning windows, but she many years, many of which ended in told me I could work at the front desk outbursts of yelling, throwing things answering the phone, booking practice or verbal abuse and of course, suicidal rooms and making coffee. I felt valued. thoughts. Counseling, along with psyThen, even after hearing about my chiatry and continued 12 step work recent past, she took twenty dollars out in a 12 step fellowship, provided that of the cash register and asked me to turning point. go buy milk for the coffee bar. I don’t Years, later, and after staying clean think she thought twice about it, but it from 15 years old on, I may not be blew me away. I felt trusted. alive without the help I received from I started volunteering one day a Nuçi’s. week, then two days a week and I had I have never left 12 step recovery found a place where I felt not only safe, and it is by far the most effective tool but valued and trusted. Just as I was against addiction watching construcand alcoholism on tion workers flit in the planet, but I Click here to see a video and out of the space, needed outside help. reconstructing the

by Mamie and Charlie That outside help legendary steeple that I needed came next door, I watched from Nuçi’s Space. They saved my life. as my life was reconstructed around I am now 33 years old with 18 me, stronger and more beautiful than years clean and happier than I have ever. The safe feeling I had in Nuçi’s ever been. I continue to work the space leaked into the rest of my life. I steps, attend meetings, and I answer no longer fear the world, and for this I one of the 12 step recovery addiction owe a lot of thanks to Nuçi’s Space and hotlines for the city of Austin, Texas all involved. on Sundays. I have peace in my mind Charlie and peace in my soul from the abuse and pain, both the pain and abuse that others have caused me and the pain and abuse that I have caused my self.

Freedom from the pain and guilt of being alive has left me. I am supposed Nuçi’s Space, to me, is a home with to be here! And you are too! open doors. The first time I came to Nuçi’s Space was for the Camp Amped program in 2013. I started camp less than two weeks after I moved to Athens from my home of 14 years in Missouri. I was lonely, lost, sad, and honestly—close to giving up. Camp I moved to Athens over a year ago after years of substance abuse and dete- welcomed in me, in all of my awkward riorating mental health. I was terrified, adolescent glory.

During my first session that year, I lonely and unemployable. In my mind I was soul-broken and useless. I needed was terrified. I refused to play guitar or any other instruments and was so quiet a place where I could feel safe and singing that I was rarely heard. About my sister told me to get involved with halfway through my time there, some Nuçi’s space. I went and told Lesley older campers had a talk with me and Cobbs about what I was struggling with, that I was trying to find some sta- told me it was okay to mess up, okay to be myself, and okay to try new things. bility in my mental health, clinging to Next thing I knew, I was thrashing the lowest rungs of sobriety and asked around the stage singing punk rock how I could get involved.

Camp Amped In Action

The Reconstruction of Charlie

songs. I had found friends and a family; more than anything, I had found a reason to keep on keepin’ on.

I am now a senior in high school and in the process of getting together my second album. I work at a recording studio/school of music and play shows on a pretty regular basis around Athens. My time as an active Camp Amped student is over, but the connections and lessons I learned are something I reference every day. I would still be a shy, juvenile musician playing acoustic guitar alone in my room if it weren’t for Camp.

Outside of camp, Nuçis Space has helped every member of my family through the rough times we’ve faced in the past few years. Nuçis Space created, more than anything, a home that provided resources that saved the life of my best friend— my brother. That is something I can never repay them for.

Thank you.

Mamie

The Journey of Music Everyone has a reason to breathe.

Amid every breath taken in and every breath released is a moment that takes us closer to what we are truly meant to do in life. Ever since I was young I have felt that I was meant to do something bold and exceptional. It’s not that I felt that I would change the world like Martin Luther King Jr., but that whatever I chose to do in life would be different from the status quo. I simply did not fit in with the majority of my peers and the only thing that inspired me were stories, movies, and music.

But, like many dreamers, I was always told to think rationally and play by the rules, which led me to create a conflicting lifestyle. In my early adult years I had trouble staying employed; I jumped from college to college and never really knew what I wanted to do with my life. In attempts to find a solution I started my own fitness business, attended Georgia Gwinnett College,

and eventually found the girl of my dreams. All seemed well at first but there was always a feeling of emptiness. Life just seemed unfulfilling and muted as if I was a caged animal. And though I was in love, I could not shake what I felt inside.

Instead of following my true feelings I tried to stay the course and become a family man. One of the greatest fears I had at the time was experiencing a divorce and having a broken family.

I felt that marriage would keep me grounded and help me grow up and now that I had the girl of my dreams there would be no reason to crave anything other than her and a family.

However, when you avoid pursuing your true purpose, life has a way of re-directing you to your appropriate calling. I tried my very best to love her, provide for her and our children and she did her best to love me for who I was. I suppose things just weren’t meant to be, because apparently we both failed miserably. Something drastically changed in our relationship when I told her that I needed to be a musician. In less than a year, we became bitter enemies and before I knew it I lost her to alcoholism, adultery, and a ruthless legal system. Even after the adultery and alcoholism, I did my very best to save the marriage because that was my greatest fear. But a rehab center, a college degree, a new house, a new car and a well paying job were not enough to keep her. She left me and took the kids to another state.

I was heartbroken and lost because my greatest fears had been realized.

She was gone and it was legal. We were, at the time, divorced and the court had ruled in her favor. Though she suffered from alcoholism, she had a support system that far outweighed mine. I was left living in a brand new house that reeked of family memories and all I could do was sit in sorrow knowing that I had failed to save my family. It was downhill from there and before I knew it the well-paying job I had acquired fired me because my employer noticed that my focus was elsewhere and not fully within the

company. I literally had nothing else to lose other than life itself. I was suffering but something told me to do something bold because this was the beginning of a new life whether I liked it or not. So I let all of my belongings go including the house and cars, moved whatever furniture she didn’t take into storage and relocated to the closest music town. I had made my decision that I was going to be in a band and make music my fulltime career.

While in Athens I suffered from alcoholism, depression, suicidal thoughts, promiscuity and a lack of job security but something insisted that I change. My brother had accompanied me in the journey of music but I knew he could not relate to the amount of suffering I was experiencing especially from not being able to see my children regularly. I was lost and was trying to find my groove but I found it to be rather difficult. What I knew about the music scene in Athens I had learned from walking the streets of downtown and at times the music scene appeared to be unwelcoming and cliquish.

However someone told me about a place called Nuçi’s Space, which he called the holy mecca for musicians in Athens. It took about a month before I went to visit but when I walked in my life literally changed. There was something tranquil about the staff working there, the donor records placed on the wall and the permeating rugged smell of used gear. I also learned of the detailed story of Nuçi and why his family created the facility and I became truly inspired.

Week-by-week I would come to Nuçi’s and push myself out of depression and alcoholism. I knew that all I needed was a safe place to be creative, rehearse, self-reflect and network and Nuçi’s Space was the perfect place for that. I found band mates and established a band called “Playground Hero” right in room number 8 and over time we wrote our entire first album, “On Broadstreet”. Within a year our single, “Don’t Be Judgin’ Me” was featured on the Athfest Compilation

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album and I acquired a career working as the marketing coordinator and music supervisor for an entertainment company called Espeuté Productions.

The company was kind enough to fund my band’s first music video, which has won 2 awards. And in the past 2 years of working for Espeuté Productions I have composed original music for 2 films, which has acquired close to a dozen awards nationally.

This is not an attempt to brag about my accomplishments. This is me rejoicing in the fact that I found my calling in the midst of losing what I held dearly. Nuçi’s Space allowed me the platform to re-invent myself and for that reason I am thankful. The staff never knew that I was suffering and they continued to smile and treat me like every other upcoming artist! I was not treated like a divorcee, a failed father, an unemployed black man or anything belittling. They treated me like a MUSICIAN and that is exactly what I needed in my life.

And though I no longer reside in Athens I will continue to hold my band rehearsals at Nuçi’s Space.

The reason is because no matter what happens in my career I will always remember that it was Nuçi’s Space that helped me become the person I am today and for that I will remain a loyal supporter.

A Safe Space to Grow There is only so much story that can be told in so few words. I will not attempt to tell it all, but I will speak of hope and hopelessness, love and hate, light and dark, male and female I was born into a body that was not my own.

I was born in a body of a little girl, put in pink dresses long before I could walk. No one heard me when I said I was a boy, not my family, not friends,

teachers, coaches. No one heard me.

They thought I was a cute, young tomboy who would eventually outgrow this phase, marry a nice young man and make babies. No one heard me.

My first suicide attempt was at age 13, when puberty hit and the discomfort in my body became unbearable. I could not live in that body and I didn’t know yet that I had a choice. I thought death was the only way out.

I was young but I learned about punk rock. I played it. I breathed it. I felt comforted in a culture that allowed

me to shave my head and wear shit kicker boots. I learned about drinking, smoking and getting as loaded as possible. I learned how to pretend I didn’t care that no one heard me. I learned that if I wanted to live, I had to be numb and I had to fight, and that’s what I did for years. My late teens and all of my twenties were peppered with institutions, suicide attempts, treatment centers, jails and eventually prison for drug related crimes.

Once I learned that Transgender was an actual thing, and was an option, I began the long, slow process of getting my insides and outsides to align.

I still didn’t have many people in my life who heard me and I eventually left

the Pacific Northwest. I left cities that knew me and family who thought they did. I changed my diet of heroin and hate that had raised me in Seattle and Portland, and I was hungry. I came to Athens on a hope and a prayer that I could live here, safely. Safe from myself…

I moved here with a new found comfort in my body but not a lot of clean time. The distance between the harmful ways I had been coping in my past life, and the fierce determination I had to create a new one, was short. I was on shaky ground and I knew it. Shortly after learning about Nuçi’s Space I inquired about receiving counseling. In all of the ways I didn’t in my youth, I felt heard. I felt seen and respected and I was treated with dignity.

In my past I was so often treated horribly when the agency, institution, or counselor before me, learned that I was Transgender.

With ease they put me with a counselor who was educated and professional. The counseling services I received proved to be invaluable at such a transitional time in my life. Nuçi’s Space also held space for us to hold a 12 step meeting. While in culture shock of moving to the South, I was unaccustomed to living in a town where most 12 step meetings were held in Southern Baptist Churches. Being the honest misfits that we were, we were able to be in community, play music if we chose, support each other and be sober all the while.

Nuçi’s was like a container that held space for me to learn how to grow up. I learned to take my anger out on a drum set and a six string with too much distortion. I learned how to stop hurting myself, and how to breathe sober breaths. I learned how to live true to myself, and not apologize for who I am. Today I’m a clean and sober (and if I may say so, rather handsome) young man. Although my 13 year old self couldn’t have imagined it, I have a life, and a body, I’m grateful to live in today. ❧