Nurture Parenting Magazine - Issue #6

photo: Jade

Physical Development 8 Who Needs Playtime?

You & Your Children Do

Cover

By Roberta Michnick Golinkofft and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek

18 Caring For Ourselves, Caring For Our World

By Su-Lin Sze

30 Learning an Instrument: A Guide ~ Part II

By Tara Hashambhoy

42 Bedsharing: What Does The Community Want?

What Do Parents Need To Know? ‘

By Dr Catherine Fetherston

66 Basic Babywearing Safety

By Anne McEwan

68 Why You Should Care About Circumcism

By Tracy Cassels

Emotional Development 12

Ending Bedtime Struggles

By Rachel Schofield

26

Why Fathers Matter

30

Emotional Expression: Helping Children Learn the Language of their Heart

By Ben Pratt

By Dr Deborah MacNamara

38

Don’t Put the Cart Before the Horse: Looking for the Reasons Behind Children’s Behaviour

By Dr Peter Haiman

Intellectual Development 6 72

“What How & Why Nanny?” The Curious Child

By Jenny England

Brain Boosting Food for Children

By Lisa Guy

www.ja denorw ood.co m

Norwo od’s

Photog raphy

Contents

Mum and Dad’s Development 24 Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

By Kelly Bartlett

34 Shattered Expectations

By Petrea King

46 Rethinking ‘Sleep Problems’

By Meg Nagle

50 Positive Birth

By Keean Manktelow

57 MamaBake: The Mothers Revolution

By Michelle Shearer

58 Using Herbs through Pregnancy, Birth and Postpartum

By Kristin Beckedahl

62 Breastfeeding: A Cause for Celebration

By Robyn Noble

Regular Features 4 Your Photos 80 Ask Our Expert 65 Your Story 71 Adventures with Sam

By Sam Smith

29 Dad’s Corner

By Johnny Pillinger

49 Activity Time

By Emily Filmore

75 What’s Cooking?

Spiritual 16 Families that Dream Together Stay Together

By Claire Eaton

WIN a Vitamix

For details on how you can win a Vitamix valued at $995 see page 74 & good luck!

By Artisian Wholefoods

76 Book Reviews

by Sharon Dowley

78 Product Reviews 81 Directory Join our facebook community and share in all our stories, questions, laughter and tears! www.facebook.com/ NurtureParentingMagazine

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Editor’s Letter “Emotions are neither right nor wrong, they are just part of the beautiful complexity of our human nature and interaction with the world” Dr Deborah MacNamara

For me, the hardest part of my parenting journey with William is accepting and being ok with emotional expression.

By this, I mean the full gamut of emotional expression. Of course it is easy to be ok with the laughs, giggles, even the cry when he is hurt (compassion kicks in straight away). In fact, the chasing the laughs and giggles is the best and most rewarding part of my day!

But the hardest part for me is accepting the other end of the emotional expression ~ the frustrated cries, the tantrums (although we are blessed to have very few of those), the whinging. As soon as any of them start, I feel my body start to tense. It makes me feel frustrated, upset and worst of all, lose the patience I normally have so much of.

The worst of all is ‘defiance’ ~ when I ask him not to do something and he looks me square in the eye and does it! Boy did I start to see RED! I was not fully conscious to my internal reaction at first. It just happened, without much knowledge. But then I read a few articles and a few books and became conscious to what was going on inside of me. Once conscious to my ‘reaction’ I started thinking about it. Because, really, I don’t want to feel that way, nor do I want to be a parent that loses patience right at a time when my child needs me the most. I want to be a kind, empathetic and nurturing mother.

It’s me, not you!

So to me, the first step was to realise that it is not William making me feel that way, it is me. William is being a completely normal 2 year old when he cries with frustration that his toy train will not stay on the track; when he wants to keep playing in the driver’s seat of the car

when I need us to go inside so I can start cooking dinner; when I ask him not to throw his fork on the wooden table, but it makes such a nice sound! He is acting in an age appropriate way.

Why do I feel this Way? So, knowing it is not William, it is me, I needed to know why I feel this way. The only reason I can put it down to is that I was raised (probably the same as you) that there are good emotions and bad emotions. The bad emotions are to be hidden away. This was subconsciously taught by the ‘big girls don’t cry’, ‘stop your whinging’ ‘nobody want to hear you [cry/whinge]’ etc. We learnt that those emotions are not good, and whilst we cannot not feel them, we can hide them and consider them wrong.

Now as an adult, it is difficult to hear and watch these emotions.

Changing this mindset Whilst I know that mindsets that have been engrained since childhood cannot be changed overnight, I am confident that over time I will change my mindset. However, taking one step at a time, I have got a mantra that I find helps significantly when I start getting tense. That mantra is: “He is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time”

Natural Parenting

Magazine

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Editor

Kristy Pillinger

Graphic Design Karah Edwards

Photography

Spikey Hedgehog Photography EstarA Photography & Depositphotos

Issue Contributors

Kelly Bartlett, Kristin Beckedahl, Sharon Dowley, Tracy Cassels, Claire Eaton, Jenny England, Dr Catherine Fetherston, Emily Filmore, Lisa Guy, Tara Hashambhoy, Dr Peter Haiman, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Petrea King, Dr Deborah MacNamara, Keean Manktelow, Anne McEwan, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Meg Nagle, Robyn Noble, Ben Pratt, Rachel Schofield, Michelle Shearer, Sam Smith, Su-Lin Sze and Arnaum Walkley.

Editorial Enquiries:

editor@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

This immediately makes me remember Advertising Enquiries: it is about William ~ William is having a advertise@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au hard time. That turns my frustration almost 0414 988 445 immediately into compassion and empathy, as no parent wants to see their child having Feedback: problems (especially problems that we can feedback@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au help them with).

So whilst it has not yet changed my Subscriptions: initial feelings that the particular emotional subscribe@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au expression should be stopped, it has helped me be able to be the empathetic parent Proudly printed in Australia by Webstar I know I can be (without my childhood and distributed by IPS baggage!)

I have also found the article in this issue Nurture is published four times a year ‘Emotional Expression: Helping Children (March, June, September and December) Learn the Language of their Heart’ (page 30)

by Nurture Parenting Magazine Pty Ltd has really helped work on the underlying reasons. And the article ‘Don’t Put the Cart No part of this publication may be Before the Horse: Looking for the Reasons reproduced in any form whatsoever without Behind Children’s Behaviour’ (page 38) also the written consent of the publisher. provides some insight into the reasoning All rights reserved. behind some of your child’s behaviour, which can help you deal with the root issue Content within this magazine is information only and not necessarily the views of the rather than the surface issue.

Kristy Pillinger, Editor

ily in Victoria m to visit fam Taking WIllia t Poppy) ea gr d an (in pic Nanny

Nurture Australia’s

editor. It is not meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult your healthcare provider if you are in any doubt regarding any of this information.

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Your Photos Left: Lily (15mths) playing at the park Above: Henry (6mths) having solids for the first time!

Above: Emily (2yrs) Having fun playing in the park

Send us your photos

& WIN

E-mail your photos to editor@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au The ‘photo of the quarter’ will win an I’m Toy Food Blender (RRP$59.95) courtesy of:

Above: Charles Albert (3 yrs) having fun at home on the farm!

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Above: James (19 months) having a great time!

Right: Best friends Lily and Alyssa (5 yrs) having fun at the beach!

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Right: Owen (22 months) getting ready for bed!

“What How & Why Nanny?”

The Curious Child “The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

At last

Albert Einstein

that dreaded they do not have language with which to are simply curious and most will be moment had fully understand what they perceive yet. happy with simple, honest and direct It is unfortunate that a toddler’s answers from an adult who genuinely arrived. Up until then everything had been so much simpler, changing nappies, questioning first appears at a time when cares and is interested in helping them going for walks, building robots out of the daily life of the family is full. Family to understand things and wants to Lego and cooking cupcakes. Suddenly, time is often juggled between work encourage them to think for themselves. just after his third birthday my grandson commitments, activities and meals. But, of course all this can be exhausting.

Bailey asked “why, nanny?” Within Perhaps there is a new baby on the scene Some children are more curious than a year or so his earlier questions had and one-on-one time with each child others and if you don’t know the answer evolved from “what’s that?” to “how do is limited. And persistent questioning or the questions requires more research from a toddler can at times be quite to answer a simple “I don’t know but let’s that?” to “why?”

I don’t remember this milestone as irritating and seem like attention- find out” (when you have the time) can distinctly with my children but back seeking behaviour. be enough to satisfy them. A regular In an attempt to look at this, in 2009 excursion to your local library can be then I was a lot busier and I probably didn’t think my answers needed to be researchers Brandy Frazier (University very useful for this and fun. as well-thought-out as I do now. With of Hawaii), Susan Gelman and Henry M It is normal to be curious. Curiosity this first “why?” question I froze and Wellman (University of Michigan) began is simply the desire to learn: the more sat dumbfounded looking at him sitting investigating the relationship between curious a child is the more they will waiting for an answer and thought ‘OK, young children and their surroundings learn. Whether it is about the natural now this gets a whole lot tougher. You by looking at what questions they ask world, mechanics and technology, really are starting to become a little and how they react when someone relationships and how society works or person. And I guess you deeper ethical and ‘Curiosity is simply the desire to learn: the more philosophical ideas, need good answers’.

Young children are a curious a child is the more they will learn’ all learning ultimately bundle of exploration: touching, feeling, responds. What they found was that begins with the questions “what (is it)?” tasting, smelling and taking things apart, young children were seriously curious “who (is she/he)?” “how (does it work)?” then with enough language, asking about what was going on around them and then “why?” questions. As early as a few months old in their lives not as is often believed Curious children will be forever the lifelong search for answers to how that their constant questions was a ploy seeking answers and require plenty of things work, why things happen and to prolong a conversation or demand intellectual stimulation. Although there attention. what it all means, has begun. is no denying that the internet and So, now back to those tricky television are full of stimulation, this As a brief aside for a moment I was interested to read the findings questions such as “what is a dream?” is not necessarily the right stimulation. of a recent research study in France or “how does a car work?” or “why are Books, both traditional and new on the involving babies between the ages of caterpillars green”. What to do when other hand can be your greatest ally 5 and 15 months. Sid Kouider at the these sorts of questions arise? First it is when the questions begin. C S Lewis, Ecole Normale Supererieure recorded wise to remember that not all questions the creator of the Narnia story series baby brain activity that revealed that are the same. When young children start once wrote: “we read to know we are the conscious awareness of babies is the asking questions they do not necessarily not alone.” Stories, especially written same as adults but slower and of course, need long or complicated answers. They for their stage of development not only

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Photo: EstarA Photography

spark a child’s imagination, they can also help answer many of their difficult questions which you can explore together. Children, like adults, quickly identify with characters in a well written story which can help them relate to their own outer and inner world.

There are hundreds of good early picture books that can be a jumping board to explore just about anything that might concern them (from all kinds of fears to bullying, to a new baby or a sickness or death in the family). Some examples might include Where the Wild Things Are (Maurice Sendak), The Elephant and the Bad Baby (Elfida Vipont and Raymond Briggs) and the Curious George series (Margaret and HA Ray), and even A Huge Bag of Worries (Virginia Ironside). Don’t overlook nursery rhymes, fairy tales (like The Ugly Duckling) and traditional stories such as Alice in Wonderland, The Neverending Story and The Wizard of Oz. There are also plenty of good nonfiction books written for the very young.

Sticker books on a wide variety of topics can make learning fun. Then there is the I Wonder Why series from Kingfisher Books.

For the early mechanics you can’t go past Amazing Machines by Tony Milton and Art Parker. When children get a little older and can read for themselves, The Story of Everything, a pop-up book by Neal Layton that entertains as well as providing a lot of information that could be useful.

However while books will never answer every question a child will ask, they can still be a good resource to start a conversation with a curious, thinking child, especially when it comes to those very tricky philosophical questions such as “why are we here?” Children are natural philosophers according to Jana Mohr Lore of the Department of Philosophy at Washington University. In her 2012 book The Philosophical Child (Rowman and Littlefield Publishers UK) Lore offers suggestions to help parents conduct conversations about many of life’s mysteries that children often raise in their questioning.

Lore suggests that the best place to start is to ‘follow the child’s lead’ and be sensitive to their questions in order to ‘nurture the child’s philosophical self, the part of us that understands that many aspects of our existence are profoundly mysterious’.

When questions don’t have a clear straightforward answer, open-ended questions as a reply such as “what do you think?” or “how do you feel about that?” encourages them to develop their own ideas and stimulate further investigation and

thought about topics that you can explore together. Another excellent resource for developing philosophical ideas with children can be found in books by Philip Cam (the Australian philosopher who developed the ethics curricula in NSW state schools). These include Thinking Stories (1 and 2) and Twister, Quibbler, Puzzler, Cheat.

Einstein once said: “There was this huge world out there, independent of us human beings and standing before us like a great eternal riddle, at least partly accessible to our inspection and thought. The contemplation of that would beckon like a liberation”. Even though they may never solve all of the riddles of life and mysteries of the universe in their lifetime, if they are encouraged young enough to enjoy asking and valuing questions at least the lives of our children and grandchildren will certainly be interesting and more meaningful.

Jenny England has a social Science degree and a lifetime involvement in children’s services both professionally and as a parent. She has worked as a journalist and freelance writer for over thirty years. Now Jenny is using her retirement years to write sci-fi stories for children when she is not spending time with her grandkids

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Who Needs Playtime?

You & Your Children Do Unfettered playtime seems to largely be a thing of the past. However, as Roberta Michnick Golinkoff and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek explain, unfettered playtime is extremely important not just for children, but for ourselves too.

In

today’s world, the prevailing up on the concept, since quantity time Council of the Institute of Medicine message is that it’s no longer is at such a premium. Mums and dads study entitled “From Neurons to sufficient for infants and toddlers to have maximised their quality time with Neighborhoods,” responsive, nurturing learn on their own as they have for their children by creating the ‘organised relationships with parents and caregivers millennia, via their own curiosity and kid’—one whose every moment, it are key predictors of healthy emotional a little help from family members when seems, is productively scheduled. and intellectual development. When you teaching opportunities arise. However, Unfortunately, we’re not having and your child are simply hanging out, these little ones are merely the youngest much fun at parenting, which should just fooling around, or even doing the residents of our modern sped up, be one of the greatest joys of life. This dishes together, you’re interacting in an competitive society. Adults are urged amped-up atmosphere of forced activity important way. The casual conversations to work longer and more productively. and learning isn’t good for our children you share teach your children about the We eat prepackaged meals nuked in the either. A mother of four told us that world and about themselves. Parents microwave and schedule our leisure time she spends so much time driving her help children interpret the day’s events, into blink-and-you-miss-it holidays. children to activities that her 1-year- help them sort out little frustrations Holidays are no longer get-aways either old is practically being raised in the and confusing emotions, and serve as as no one can be separated from their family car. “When he’s not in the car, he’s ‘filters’—letting in certain information electronic devices. Adults hear the somewhat disoriented,” she explains. and blocking out what a young child message that getting more done faster is Families are apparently so busy can’t cope with, such as not taking your better and pass the pace right 2-year-old to a horror ‘By promoting intellectual over social and on down to their kids. movie.

It’s not surprising emotional development, well-meaning parents risk Y o u r then, that a survey undermining their children’s ability to manage their exchanges with of American parents feelings, get along with others, and, ultimately, to your infants and succeed in school.’ found that 25 percent said they children promote had no time for their family due to the stimulating their children, they their intellectual skills—without any demands of their jobs. Yet the fact is, increasingly have little time to just enjoy conscious effort on your part. In time-use studies show that the amount each other. Perhaps it’s not surprising conversation, parents naturally prompt of time mothers spend with each child that one town in the US, Ridgewood, children to tell little narratives about the has barely changed over the last fifty New Jersey felt compelled to declare day. “Tell Daddy where we went today,” years. What has changed is what parents one winter evening ‘Family Night.’ With Mummy urges 2-year-old Sally, and typically do with their children during the support of school administrators, Sally complies as Mummy helps her to that time. Increasingly, it is ferrying the town cancelled all sports activities, remember and fill in the blanks. When them from one ‘enriching’ organised homework assignments, private lessons, they do this, parents are helping children activity to another. They are often in and even religious classes so that parents construct and interpret the stories of the car going to activities or playing and children could simply spend time their lives, a playful game that will turn the role of ‘soccer mums and dads,’ together at home. out to be valuable for what is expected cheering and coaching their children in school. Describing ‘what happened’ from the sidelines. This is an example THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE: also helps train Sally’s memory and of ‘quality time’—an idea that originated WHAT SCIENCE TELLS US allows her to find the ‘scripts’ that in the 1970s. Parents quickly picked According to the National Research govern everyday events - like how going

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Photo: Deposit Photos

to a restaurant requires ordering food before eating. Inviting children to tell stories helps them understand and express their experience—in other words, to think and learn and increase their vocabularies in a playful way.

The pivotal word is playful. Child development experts speak in one voice: Play is the means by which infants and children explore their world, test the rules in non-threatening ways, and gain a sense of mastery. Play allows children to work through and conquer anxieties, and to revel in who they are.

Not-quite-one-year-old Karl learns about shapes by touching, holding, and mouthing blocks. Three-year-old Sally, dressed in her afternoon finest—complete with her mum’s high heels— is play-acting what it’s like to go to tea and be a grown-up in the world.

To children, play is like a special place they go. It is a refuge where they can try out roles, ideas, and skills in a safe, low-risk way. Play is unmeasured, ungraded, free of the limitations of logic. Children put things together in ways that have never

been done before. Ironically, as we overschedule our children’s lives, playtime is dwindling. In 1981, a school-aged child typically had 40% of her time open for play; by 1997, playtime was reduced to 25%.

By promoting intellectual over social and emotional development, well-meaning parents risk undermining their children’s ability to manage their feelings, get along with others, and, ultimately, to succeed in school. Children pushed to focus on cognitive skills alone don’t get to know themselves. They don’t learn to regulate their own emotions, crucial for thriving in a school setting. They don’t learn to focus on and trust their own perceptions.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BRAIN?

It has become dangerously fashionable to label general - even trivial - pedagogical advice that is not grounded in scientific fact as ‘brain-based learning.’ For instance, findings about rapid synaptic proliferation in young children’s brains

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have nurtured hopes that cognitive capabilities can be increased by teaching infants vocabulary and basic facts with audiovisual material. But proponents of these early education programs have conveniently overlooked the lack of direct empirical evidence linking neurological and learning processes (Stern, 2005).

The brain-based learning movement that has swept education has become a societal preoccupation as wellintentioned parents scurry to find the best way to give their children a head start in learning. Fueled by findings of infant capabilities in perception, judging quantity, and language and by a research focus on the brain, parents and educators are looking for ways to enhance children’s competencies before it is too late – before the mythical learning window closes at age 3. Toy companies were perfectly poised to quell parental fears – to offer what one toy chain boasted as ‘baby brain boosters’ based on the exaggerated and sometimes unfounded science.

In the last 30 years, researchers in child development have accumulated a great deal of information on how children

learn. The science strongly suggests that this does not happen by assuming that children are empty vessels and that our job is to fill children’s heads with facts.

In this post Skinnerian, Piagetian era, infants and toddlers are seen as active explorers of their environments – capable discoverers who engage in meaningful learning. Infants also enter the world with some core knowledge. Their world is not one of William James’ ‘blooming, buzzing, confusion,’ but rather one filled with discrete objects that move along trajectories, of language almost tailormade to suit infants’ capabilities, and of faces and social interaction. With these beginning points, infants are poised to delve into their surrounds and to construct (with the help of their loving mentors) a view of the physical and cultural world that resembles that of the adult.

Ah, but here is the rub – if infants can see objects and if they are sensitive to gravity at 8 months, should we not produce toys that encourage the learning of physics? If infants can distinguish different amounts of ‘stuff ’ and know that 3 is different than 2 should we not build toys that teach mathematics? If

infants are sensitive to sounds in all of the world’s languages, should we not offer toys that expose children to language so that they can become bi-or tri-lingual at the mere press of a button? Are we not building better brains and advancing children’s natural propensities when we build on core knowledge and morph it into pedagogical learning? NO! Importantly, science considers babies and toddlers to be ready learners who understand concepts in context. They learn that floors will support crawling by crawling and later walking. They learn that blocks will be supported in a structure by placing the block atop the pile and watching it balance or fall.

They learn language not by passively overhearing isolated words or watching a video, but by having ‘conversations’ with interactive partners. They learn about quantity by asking for more juice or more food bits. Learning is not just memorisation; memorisation is only a small part of what it means to ‘know’ something. Parents have come to believe that infants need to watch ‘educational’ videos, attend tutoring classes, and use expensive educational software to promote their well being and intellectual

growth. A recent study by Professor Judy DeLoache found that toddlers learned no words from an ‘educational video.’

Learning only occurred when parents playfully taught their children the same words!

SO WHAT DO INFANTS AND YOUNG CHILDREN NEED?

When we were children, the biggest gift our parents could give us was their attention. “Watch me!” was an oft-repeated phrase, whether it was jumping off the diving board or riding our two-wheel bike. Nowadays with everyone on their phone/ iPod/iPad /DVD/videogame there is less of an opportunity for children to interact with us and gain our attention. Our children need us and we can resolve to spend more time with them. Here is a mnemonic to help us remember that it’s all about the parent and caregiver interaction: REAP. Think REAP because the time you spend with your kids now will pay off in the future. Here’s what REAP stands for: 1. REDUCE! No, not weight. Let’s reduce Josh and Liz’s time on electronic media. How wonderful would it be if instead of turning on another video we asked them to help set the table/make those biscuits/draw us a picture of their dream bedroom. Couch potatoes have reduced imagination and read less than kids who aren’t on e-toys and screens as much. Reading helps children do better in school. Find fun alternatives to e-toys and screens!

Let’s read together and act out a book. Make a diorama using a little box. Go to a park! Go ice skating! Let’s DO something – Josh and Liz will get exercise, sleep better – and we will too.

2. EXPLAIN! All kids are confused. Remember that time when Marina wanted to understand WHY and we said we’d talk about it later because we were right in the middle of _____________[fill in the blank.] This is our chance to talk with our kids! To have real conversations with Marina about real topics that interest her! And when we explain how something works – whether it’s what makes cars go or why our neighbor uses a walker or what we did with our siblings when we were kids – we are feeding our children’s vocabulary and knowledge of the world – things that matter for Marina’s success in school.

Explaining why we don’t stare at people in wheelchairs and taking Marina’s questions seriously implicitly conveys our values. Lecturing? That goes out the window because we meet kids where their interests are and help them understand right from wrong.

3. AIR! Baby it’s cold outside! Who wants to go out? We do!

Eighteen-month-old Elliott needs a walk; we know that because he is running around the house like a madman.

Let’s bundle up and head out, again using our creativity to spark learning and fun. We can ask Elliott where the animals all go when it’s cold. Do the birds have houses in Cairns like Nanny and Poppy? Do the possums use umbrellas when it rains? Do the bugs have apartments underground? Make it up! Have fun! Let’s grow our kids’ imaginations with crazy stories and then look up ‘the facts’ [to be said in a deep and respectful voice] with them when we get home. And don’t forget to run and jump.

Good for Elliott and for us!

4. PLAY! Consider all those new toys and games Allison and Jordan received for their birthdays. Our kids are

always begging us to join in their play but we have work/ dishes/laundry to do. Imagine if we surprised our kids and asked THEM to play make-believe with us! They’d be thrilled. And we would be modeling good manners during our ‘tea party’ – something they can easily pick up from us as they watch us graciously taking turns and asking nicely for the last biscuit on the plate. Think wacky; what would we have liked to do as kids? Imagine how thrilled they would be if we asked our kids to tell a group story while everyone lies on the floor, eyes closed, in a circle holding hands in the dark. Come up with a sentence to start it with.

Maybe something like, “It was a cold dark night and…” let everyone add a sentence as everyone helps repeat what has already been said. This kind of play fuels imagination, memory, and vocabulary.

WHO NEEDS PLAYTIME?

It should be clear by now that the answer to the question in our title is you and your kids! You are your child’s most important teacher. But not teaching in a way that pushes for memorisation or, as we fondly call it, ‘drill-and-kill.’ Teaching in a natural and playful way that is responsive to your child’s interests and proclivities. If you play more, you will discover that your children listen better and become more helpful too. Play is also good for reducing your stress. So who needs playtime? Our children and even we big strong adults!

Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, research psychologist at University of Delaware and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, research psychologist at Temple University are authors of books for parents and practitioners about child development and education

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Ending Bedtime Struggles Getting children to go to bed can be a struggle. Knowing that you are not alone does little to provide comfort, especially when you are in the throws of confrontation with your child. Rachel Schofield explores ways in which you can end the ongoing bedtime struggles.

“Okay

between screen time, including passive constantly scanning their surroundings time for bed” B l a n k TV watching, and bedtime problems);2 to check there’s adult attention available expression. Continues to push car or allergies (kids with allergies are more for them. If they sense the adults nearby likely to suffer from insomnia). Once are unavailable, the danger alarm in across the floor. you’ve ruled out these other causes you their brain gets tripped, flooding them I get a bit closer “Bedtime” This time he turns his back and can be pretty confident your child’s with feelings. This impedes their ability “brrm, brrrm”, the car drives away from bedtime reluctance is emotionally to think, their behaviour starts to flare me. I keep trying and somehow cajole driven. and they struggle to follow their bedtime I think there’s something about routine. So a good starting point is to him to the bathroom where the sight of the toothbrush causes jaws to be clenched the impending separation of sleep that do what we can to help our kids feel and lips pursed tight. I attempt to gently kicks up big feelings. It doesn’t matter connected. persuade him with “it’ll stop your teeth whether your child sleeps snuggled in going bad, it’ll only take two secs”, but your arms all night or whether they BEING PLAYFUL don’t succeed. Miraculously we manage are in their own bed, either way, they Nothing lights up children’s hearts to go to the loo without too much fuss. seem to experience sleep as separation. more than adults being playful. It helps However getting undressed and hopping We know that otherwise well-adjusted them feel safe, loved and happy. Here’s into bed for stories becomes tortuous. I young children frequently experience how Paula from Adelaide, a mum on one anxiety when they are separated from of my courses, made bedtime more fun feel exhausted.

If this sounds ‘setting up unforced laughter (without tickling); for her two young familiar, you’re not offering eye contact and gentle touch does wonders to boys: alone. According “Just before build a child’s sense of connection and release some of to parent surveys, bed, I get a blanket the tension that is stopping them being able to follow 20-30% of young and I sit both my the bedtime routine’ children have significant problems going boys on it and go tearing up and to bed.1 and I think most families deal their parents (Jenni et al 2005), so it down the corridor and they love it. We with some degree of bedtime struggle makes sense that sleep triggers these pretend it’s a train and we stop off at the at one time or another. Resistance to normal feelings. Separation also has bathroom and brush our teeth and then bedtime is a big red flag that your child a way of bringing up any underlying we stop off at the bedroom. It makes both needs your help. And a good starting upsets or feelings of disconnection and of them laugh. It’s really good.” point is to try and figure out why they we know that daytime stresses raise Being playful is about loosening are struggling. In the vast majority of stress hormone levels and fuel night- tension. As adults we seem to be so cases, I believe the causes are emotional. time anxieties.3 Luckily, there’s much serious so much of the time. A little shift But it’s worth ruling out other we can do to help kids build resilience, towards a lighter bedtime routine can possibilities including: the wrong process daytime pressures and deal with make a world of difference. bedtime (putting a child to bed too early/ separation anxiety.

There are a few things we can do that Some bedtime struggles can simply make our playfulness fill a child’s heart. late); poorly timed naps (napping too close to bedtime); caffeine before bed be solved by paying attention to We can: (sources include cola, chocolate, tea); creating connection. Because children 1. Look for laughter, touch and eye TV watching both during the day and depend on adults for survival, their contact; at night (numerous studies show links highly developed emotional brains are 2. Do rough and tumble play;

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Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

3. Reverse roles; and 4. Use puppet play.

Let’s dive deeper:

1. Look for laughter, touch and eye contact

Laughter, touch and eye contact have positive effects on our biochemistry.

Touch and eye contact stimulate the production of oxytocin, the hormone that makes us feel loved.4 Laughter reduces stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine as well as causing the brain to release endorphines that help us feel good.5 It also helps shake off our lighter fears and embarrassment.

So setting up unforced laughter (without tickling); offering eye contact and gentle touch does wonders to build a child’s sense of connection and release some of the tension that is stopping them being able to follow the bedtime routine.

Here’s how Keiko, mother of two boys in California used laughter and touch: “I said I’d turn on a movie as a special movie night. Our two boys were saying “yes!” and excitedly giving me big hugs.

They were connected after a good day playing.

But when it was time to turn off the movie, the boys were very reluctant. They were cross and disconnected. I turned it off anyway and they were even more cross.

Now that it was time to brush teeth and go to bed, they were not in the mood.

So I used my index finger and started brushing their bodies, here and there, over their clothes playfully. “Let’s brush teeth! Oh, this is not your mouth, let me see, brush brush, oh, this wasn’t your teeth again!”

The kids started protesting at first, then they started laughing. We played with this whole body brushing for a while and not only did they brush their teeth soon after, their bedtime went very smooth, relaxed and reconnected.”

2. Physical rough and tumble pay

At first sight this might seem like a terrible suggestion! Most parenting advice suggests winding things down before bed not revving it up. But wrestling, affectionate chasing games or pillow fights give kids little challenges that they survive and an opportunity to release tension through laughter.

Their mind experiences thump, thump, thump – survive, survive, survive! Games www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

| 13

Advertorial

BabyGives: Helping Less Fortunate Children After a holiday to Nepal, 24 year-old Tim Mahendran decided to start a company to help out the millions of babies and children who cannot afford basic clothing and shoes.

After months of research, he decided to launch BabyGives.com, an online retailer of personalised baby clothing, who donates one brand new item of clothing to a child in need for each one sold: ‘Buy One, Give One.’ BabyGives’ business model is simple: For each item sold, they will donate one new item to a needy child somewhere around the world.

At the end of 2013, BabyGives employees will travel to Nepal to donate 10,000 items to kids and families.

Another great thing about BabyGives is that customers can personalize each item with their baby’s name, birthdate, or special message, such as ‘Kelly Loves Mommy.’ This allows parents and friends to give baby gifts that are truly one-of-akind and unique.

Currently selling a range of baby bodysuits, pajamas, hats, blankets, bibs, and much more, the company plans to expand globally by 2015.

“For each item that we sell, I feel really amazing and excited, because I know that their purchase will help out those who really need it,” says Tim.

that include laughter, rolling around, lots of body contact, so they get a real physical dose of your presence, and the reassurance that comes with confident touch, fill kids with a deep sense of connection. Younger children might need you to start tamely, just where the laughter is (try and catch them, kiss their toes or lick their elbows, failing to actually get them but let them scramble away). Older kids will delight in bigger challenges (maybe pick them up and dump them on the couch). The laughter and physical contact before bedtime helps to reassure children in a very cellular way.

3. Role reversal

Sometimes we can lighten the tension and build emotional connection by playing with power reversal. Here’s how one Mum did it: “My daughter has always been difficult when it comes to nap or bed time. Last night, I put her little brother to bed. I came down, her and Daddy were reading together: she was holding one of his novels pretending she was the Mummy. They immediately asked if I was okay and why I was out of bed. Well, they must have caught me in an ‘on’ moment because I immediately said I had to potty, and began asking could I stay up later with them. She took on the Mummy role beautifully, and a fabulous game of pretend ensued. I mimicked many of her usual behaviours and she did mine. It went on for nearly an hour and came around to her putting me to sleep. (at her bedtime she always likes to pinch my neck and often asks to do so, and asks for me to lay with her). So I asked if I could pinch her neck.

She lit up with a great smile and answered sure, and quickly snuggled next to me. She then asked me if I wanted her to lay with me, to which I said yes, and she was sure to remind me that it would only be for a few minutes and then she had to go to her bed. We went a few rounds of me pretending to wake up, her putting more blankets on me, singing me lullabies, getting me a toy to hold, and laying with me one more time. Then out of the blue, she told Daddy (I was sleeping - pretend) that she was going to bed, and began to go upstairs to her room. Daddy asked for hugs (her usual response to this is no), and she immediately came to him engulfing him in a long hug resting her head on his shoulder. I had to get in on that, and woke up to ask for some too. She walked over to me and gave me great hugs and kisses. Then straight up to bed, all by herself, without a story, without a neck to pinch, without someone to lay with her. I could not believe it.”

4. Puppet play

Larry Cohen, Author of Playful Parenting suggests a great way of getting out of stuck patterns with our kids is to have the argument through soft toys (or dolls, or puppets or even using your hands as a puppet).

Teddy says “I don’t think she should go to bed now look at her, she’s having so much fun” doll says “but it’s her bed time she really needs to go to bed so she can get her sleep”. Doing this immediately shifts our own seriousness, and makes us more approachable. Children will join in the conversation or just sit and watch amused. Either way your connection is building, any laughter eases the tension and helps your child have more access to their thinking brain.

Sample clothes by BabyGives

Babies that have recieved new clothes from BabyGives

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HELPING SHIFT THE FEELINGS

Once we’ve loosened some tension and offered connection through play we might be lucky enough to have a kid who’s happy to go to bed.

Or we might need to switch gears: despite the connection filled play our child still might not want to go bed. But we have built the emotional safety a child needs to release the tension causing them to struggle. We can help to shift things by: 1. Listening to their feelings; 2. Holding the expectation that they are going to bed.

1. Listen to the upsets

After goofing around for a good chunk of time, our child might find some pretext to cry about something. For example, if we were roughhousing they might have a little bump that brings out big fat tears way out of proportion to the little hurt.

We can help our child by simply staying close and listening warmly to their upset rather than trying to move them away from their feelings. If we are able to listen all the way to the end of the crying we will find they are much more able to be cooperative and feel close to us. They may snuggle on our lap or just bounce up and skip off to bed without prompting. The tears cleared out a back log of feelings that were hijacking their brain, now gone they can feel our warmth and think again.

Here’s how another mum listened to her daughter’s feelings at bedtime: “My daughter, who is 7, had trouble separating at bedtime.

One night, she was very mad and started punching and kicking me. I met her aggression with warmth. I kissed her hands when she punched, deflected her kicks. After a good long while, she lay on the bed and told me about something that happened at gym that day. They did a parachute game, which she had never done before. It was familiar to all the other children at her new school, but she was confused about what to do, and felt scared when she was under the parachute. She said everyone loved the game, but she hated it. She cried in my arms and after about 5 minutes cuddled up and said she was ready for sleep. She hasn’t cried since when she can’t sleep in my bed, though she still doesn’t like it, and it still holds some fear for her. The difference before and after this bedtime is remarkable though, and I was surprised and happy that one time listening to her feelings had such a big impact.”

hurried. Just say it in the same way you might say, “The sky is dark now.” She’ll likely resist. So you gently nudge her in the direction of the bedroom.

Put all your energy into connecting but at the same time hold that expectation about bed. By touching and nudging her towards the stairs, feelings will start to rise in her. Say little, just be close. She might scream, cry, or sweat. Keep connecting, listening and holding a safe space for her to show you her feelings for as long as she needs to before she can go to bed.

To begin with this is going to make bedtime a lot longer.

But it’s also going to allow her to drain the tension that she holds inside that’s been stopping her from going to bed easily.

When she’s reached the end of the upset, you’ll get a more relaxed and cooperative child.

SUPPORT FOR YOURSELF

Listening to feelings and being playful is hard! Our feelings get ignited as our children open up theirs. So it’s important we get the support we need. It can be particularly helpful to find a warm non-judgemental person to listen to us as we offload our own emotional tension. That way we are more and more able to warmly help our kids go to bed without struggles.

Rachel Schofield runs Building Emotional Understanding courses (online and in person) and co-moderates Hand in Hand Parenting’s online discussion group. You can contact her at www.likeripples.com

2. Hold the expectation about going to bed:

Other times we’ll need to switch from playfulness to a more serious tone and warmly hold the expectation that it’s bedtime.

Here’s how it can go: You give a little warning that it’s going to be bedtime soon.

Then after a few more minutes of play, you warmly and calmly say “it’s time for bed”. If your child protests, you put your arms around her, and say “It’s time to go upstairs.” Not angry, not

References

1. Mindell JA, Kuhn B, Lewin DS, Meltzer LJ, Sadeh A and the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (2006) Behavioral treatment of bedtime problems and night wakings in infants and young children. Sleep 29: 1263-1281.

2. Li S, Jin X, Wu S, Jiang F, Yan C, and Shen X. (2007) The impact of media use on sleep patterns and sleep disorders among school-aged children in China. Sleep 30(3):361-7.

3. El-Sheikh M, Buckhalt JA, Mize J, and Acebo C. (2006) Marital conflict and disruption of children’s sleep. Child Dev. 77(1):3143.

4. Kuchinskas “the chemistry of connection” 5. “Why Laughter May Be the Best Pain Killer”. Scientific American.

Retrieved 11 October 2011.

6. Jenni OG, Fuhrer HZ, Iglowstein I, Molinari L, Largo RH (2005). A longitudinal study of bed sharing and sleep problems among Swiss children in the first 10 years of life. Pediatrics 115(1 Suppl):233-40.

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| 15

Families Who Dream Together Stay Together Claire Eaton, Teen and Parenting expert shares how the power of daydreaming can help families stay close and connected to each other and our lifelong dreams.

What

do you think when you see the word

tendency to drift off and daydream can become squashed and less frequent.

Unbeknown to children and adults, they may be creating a glass ceiling on their dreams and lifetime potential.

Children are natural daydreamers, exercising their delight in short term detachment from reality and stepping into a place of fantasy which is almost always associated with happy thoughts, good feelings, exciting goals and tingling dreams and ambitions. It is now known that daydreaming is helpful to children and their cognitive development, helping them to grow their ability to empathize, engage in pretend play and take on character roles. Who wouldn’t want to visit that place of fantasy,

intelligence.

When I see my son dreaming I stop, ‘daydreaming’?

I watch and I love what I see. It’s as if For so many adults it can conjure up time stands still and he reminds me of thoughts of relaxation and peace, but the importance of being present to our also reminders of how as kids we may imagination and the beautiful places that have been chastised for daydreaming our mind can take us, if we are allowing. and not being focused. What could How do you daydream? Do you lie cosy become of our children if we break this in bed with your children, relax on the cycle and smile with delight when we see trampoline looking up at the sky, walk our children daydreaming, wondering though the bush or sit on the patio with into the world of possibility without a cuppa? Whatever it is, it’s perfect and judgment or reprimand. wonderful stepping stone to your dream The Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and board.

Father Christmas are fine fictitious Dream boards are a great way to examples of children dabbling in the help children have a purpose to their world of possibility and integrating it daydreams while they are learning to into the real world with great delight. centre their thoughts a have an open Our little ones are mind. Dream boards are learning about the world ‘Dream boards can help us and our family a wonderful extension of through fresh eyes, are to connect and know what everyone in our daydreaming because they constantly using their right grab all the great ideas and family is about’ brain creative and imaginative power to dreams out of our head and visually process and understand what is going especially when the body responds display them on a board. Children, like on around them. Their imagination is to such thoughts with an increased many adults love visual representation working overtime and we see this when production of endorphins and adrenalin of our thoughts, it makes them more they tell seemingly farfetched stories helping us to feel good. ‘real’ and tangible.

Most children and adults tend to and enjoy pretend play in a way that our Dream boards can help us and adult brain automatically questions or think that daydreaming is accidental, our family to connect and know what however there is extensive research everyone in our family is about. It can doubts.

Research tells us that five year which indicates that the more we help families to get clear about our olds don’t yet have the total ability to intentionally daydream ourselves and values and remind us what’s important. distinguish between what is possible and teach our children to daydream with a Dream board creation is designed to be what is unlikely to happen, yet by the purpose, we can lead our family down fun, without pressure or deadlines and time children are seven they are more a path of creativity, possibility and develop a sense of appreciation that easily lead by the persuasive words or confidence. Playing dress-up, having everyone is working towards something evidence of adults and educators. This imaginary friends, talking and playing special. is often about the time that children are with teddy bears, dolls and cars on a Children of all ages can have fun encouraged to pay attention, stay on task race track, all help children to ignite with dream boards. There aren’t too and concentrate, therefore their natural their social, intellectual and emotional many fancy rules about how to make a

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Photo: Deposit Photos

dream board; you can have one family board or individual boards. Everyone’s board could be a different shape, size and include lots of unique things too. There are a couple of non-negotiables with dream boards; all ideas are welcomed and accepted, regardless of how exaggerated or grandeur they many seem to others.

It is wonderful for children, tweens and teens to know that only the sky is the limit and possibility is an exciting thing. Encouraging self expression, new ideas and beautiful daydreaming gives our children the opportunity to think outside the box and develop a curious appetite for learning and exploring.

GETTING STARTED

Here are a few pointers to get dream boarding started in your family; 1. Ask questions to stimulate thinking of what could, might, possibly and maybe happen.

2. Use an electronic tool or simply any sized cork board, picture frame, cardboard sheet or the side of an old large box… whatever you want.

Gather the family and create your dream board. Fill it up with lots of bits pieces about you, your family and all the great things about it.

3. Make the big decision … where will it sit or hang, even if it is still in progress, it doesn’t need to be complete as it can always be added to or changed.

Ideas for dream board categories:

Always include a family photograph on your dream board or an individual photo in a single board.

Every family is unique, but a few categories may be; fun, adventure, weekends, holidays, friends, family, health (cooking, exercise & wellness) school and sport…. and the list is endless.

WHERE TO START

Under six

This is a great time for children to be a part of a family dream board, where the boards may be divided so that each family member (and perhaps even the family pets) have their own section.

Remembering that children under six have a shorter attention span, it is advisable to create the family boards over time. Depending on your child, he or she may be keen to create a small individual board. Children at this age can be quite

general and this is to be expected, but the goal is for children to be involved and develop their dream habits that will hopefully continue into their adult life.

Six to eight year olds

This is typically the age where children can start to understand past, present and future, be able to process more abstract concepts and grow their own opinions. This can also be the time when imagination takes a back seat to accuracy and what is realistic and socially acceptable; therefore this age group needs our care to keep imagination alive and kicking.

Children may want to have their own board and also be a part of a family board, as a way of seeking their independence and autonomy.

Nine to eleven year olds

This is age where we tend see children move to concrete reasoning, where they can organise their thoughts and rely on reasoning to anticipate outcomes and consequences. As parents we can be wary of children limiting what is possible for themselves and looking for peer approval. This may be evident in children wanting to keep their dream board in their room out of public view.

Children at this age may be inclined to create their own sections on their boards depending on their interests and hobbies.

Eleven to thirteen year olds

An exciting time when children start to move from childlike to a more

adult view of the world. This stage is a steep developmental hill with a focus on fitting in, sport, friendships, fashion and fun, therefore it is important to know that the dream board ‘topics’ make change dramatically, but are completely reflective of our child’s inner world at this time.

A great way to encourage this age group to think about the present and the future is to ask ‘Where do you think you will be in two years?’ or is there a place you would love to travel to when you are older?’ Or “if you could do one thing to help others what would you do?’ Children at this age are more aware of the ‘bigger picture’ so they are more likely to be able to be more specific with their dreams.

WHAT TO INCLUDE ON VISION BOARDS

Anything that we would love to see, hear, feel, think or experience in our lives fits on a dream board. Dream boards can include words, pictures, photographs, awards, places, bits and pieces, fabric, questions, answers, symbols and anything that makes our dream board 100% inspiring.

Claire Eaton has 20 years experience in education, is mum to a young teen and creator of ROC TEEN, resources and workshops to help families build resilient, optimistic and confident kids.

You can find out more at www.ClaireEaton.com.au

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

| 17

Caring For Ourselves Caring For Our World We all know the toll that the industrial revolution has had on our environment, and even our own bodies with pollutants being at an all time high.. However, as explained by Su-Lin Sze, there are ways in which we can reduce that toll both on our children and the world.

The

emerging reality of the twenty-first century is that finding a way to live sustainably and holistically to improve environmental health is really a necessity, rather than an ideal. This is our challenge, and while many of us would support that ideal of a healthier world, we are often unsure of how to achieve that. This article considers personal ways to support a world that is more healthy and less toxic.

damaging factors such as air pollution, natural disasters (including heat waves and droughts), exposure to toxins and pollutants, poor nutrient status of food and reduced water. Exposure to toxins and pollutants was linked to hormonal and reproductive abnormalities, poor immune function and the development of cancer, while air pollution was linked to increased incidence of asthma, lung disease and birth defects.4 So what makes children more vulnerable than adults? Children possess smaller detoxification organs like the kidneys and thinner skin, compared to adults. They also require more food and water to grow at a faster rate than a full grown adult. So they have to process and

the diet. Major disasters associated with exposure to toxic elements from the diet and the environment have contributed to a safety-driven approach to food, such as the outbreak of the fatal neurodegenerative disease Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE) in the 1980s in the UK6 and mass food borne Escherichia coli (E.coli) O157 infections in the US in 1982.7 Those considered most at risk are pregnant women and children. The CLIMATE CHANGE: AN problem is not necessarily the dangers to OBSTACLE TO HEALTH? health posed by any one of the hundreds According to a paper published of compounds found in these chemicals. in 2012 by the International Journal In minimal doses they may not be of Environmental Research and Public acutely harmful. Rather it is the nature Health, children are particularly of our exposure to them; which is often vulnerable to the health damaging chronic and persisting.8 ‘making socially and environmentally effects of climate change.

“From a simplistic sound purchase choices helps socially and Increases in mental illness, point of view, toxicity is nutritional deficiencies environmentally focussed industries to thrive ’ a function of exposure, and dermal, respiratory and exposure in turn is a and immune weakness are all on the rise detoxify a higher volume of substances function of dose and time.”9 because younger generations are more than an adult. Children more often The chemicals used in conventional exposed to environmental pollutants, participate in outdoor activities and are agriculture are many and varied. Eleven toxins and poor food and water quality. It more exposed to the environment. Life major categories from fungicides to follows that the effects of climate change expectancies are on the rise, meaning agents that affect insect behaviour have on economies and climate-sensitive that today’s children will have a longer been recognised in a study by Plimmer, industries will also have irrevocable overall exposure to pollutants and are and within those categories, over 130 consequences for children’s health on a more susceptible to associated chronic different chemical classes exist.10 diseases as a result.5 global scale.1 One clinical study revealed that According to a paper in the Journal insidious and persisting exposure to According to the World Health Organization (WHO): “…climate change of Epidemiology and Community pollutant chemicals such as TCDD (a contributed to more than 150,000 deaths Health entitled “Persistent Organic dioxin compound) led to hormonal and 5.5 million lost disability-adjusted Pollutants in Food: Public Health” irregularities and abnormalities such as life years worldwide, in 2000 alone,2 and (2002), the most common exposure to reduced sperm count.11 more than 88% of this burden occurs in known pollutants such as pesticides, Another clinical study revealed that industrial chemicals and commercial persisting prenatal exposure to dioxins children under the age of five years”.3 The above paper cited worldwide manufacture by-products is through and polychlorinated biphenyls, known

18 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Photo: Sweet Art Photography

chemical pollutants, may reduce cognitive power in children.12 “…although hard evidence is scarce, some scientists report that certain residues in conventional food could, over many years, raise the risk of cancer and other diseases in humans.”13 These findings are sobering, but not unexpected, and they have been drivers for the emergence of socially evolved industries such as organic food and fair trade, which are growing faster than their conventional peers! The organic food industry was one of the most rapidly expanding markets in the US and Europe in the 1990s.14 Two years ago it was valued at US$40 billion.15 According to the Victorian government, the annual turnover of the Australian organic food market is currently up to $250 million with an additional export revenue of up to $80 million.16 The industry is forecast to grow 60% yearly driven by rising consumer demand and impressive retail growth; as much as 670 per cent from 1990 to 2002.17 “It is estimated that more than six out of every ten Australian households now buy organic foods on occasion” – State Government of Victoria website, June 2011 Consumers of organic produce will be happy to know that evidence of the increased safety of organic food is mostly positive. A 2002-2003 New Zealand sampling of over 300 pieces of organic food from fruit and grains to nuts, revealed that 99% of the organic produce contained no residues of any of the 45 chemicals tested for.18 These sorts of results suggest we are on the right track with our food! But can we go further in ensuring our childrens’ quality of health? Yes we can!

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| 19

THE NEXT STEPS…

There are two more steps beyond organic food for the modern day parent to consider. The first is to broaden our aspirations for our food beyond the avoidance of chemical and pesticide contamination. By moving toward an agricultural model that maximises the safety and importantly, the nutritional content of our food. The second step is to further expand beyond the world of food to the world of personal care. In essence, what we put on our bodies is just as important as what we ingest! This means better health inside and out for the next generations.

Biodynamics: A Step Beyond Organic

Many of us are familiar with organics.

Biodynamics is not so well known in Australia. Rudolf Steiner (1861-1925) created the system of biodynamic farming, which is recognised as one of the major initiatives leading to the creation of the international organics industry in the early twentieth century.19 At the time the changing health of soil and livestock were the prime concerns, following the introduction of pesticides and other chemicals into the European

farming industry.

Biodynamics offers a higher nutritional value to the consumer than conventional growing methods. A 2011 study published in the British Food Journal compared biodynamically to conventionally grown mangoes in Brazil.

Results revealed significantly higher levels and potency of antioxidants, specifically flavonoids, in the biodynamic produce.20

ORGANIC & BIODYNAMIC PERSONAL CARE

It’s easy to forget that the skin is an organ that absorbs, just as the digestive system does. Organic personal care products include cosmetics, soaps, cleansers, shampoos, deodorants, toothpastes, oils, scrubs and lotions.

Organic personal care products are becoming more and more mainstream throughout the world.

Let’s look at the fast growing sector of organic childrens’ personal care products. Parents will have noticed the growing variety of natural and organic baby skin care brands appearing on the shelves of health stores, pharmacies and supermarkets worldwide. Europeans

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spent almost two billion euros in 2010 alone, on organic personal care products, with Germany being the largest market.21 In the United States, the childrens’ personal care products industry has grown steadily over the past decade. It was valued at $281 million in 2006, and has continued to expand due to population growth, increased child interest in natural products, the ‘mainstreaming’22 of organic products and more sophisticated marketing and packaging.23 The marketing world has recognised a current trend toward joint purchase decisions made by parents and children together.24 What ever this means from a marketing perspective is not so relevant to the average parent. However, what this reveals is that we do influence the way our children make purchase decisions. We set the example for them by educating and including them in our own environmentally and socially conscious purchase decisions.

The Power of Your Consumer Choices

To ensure that our children have the most safe and quality produce and products available to them, we need

Eczema-friendly bedtime snuggles – naturally

A sleepy bedtime bath and massage helps your bub drift into sweet, deep sleep. But many ingredients in baby bath, hair and skincare products can dry and irritate their delicate skin.

So we asked mums what they wanted: and that’s why soap, petrochemicals and paraben nasties are out and skin-friendly Paw Paw, Coconut Oil and Honey are in.

Now you can relax, knowing that every product in the gentle Brauer Naturals Baby range is protecting your bub from harsh chemicals while soothing redness and dry, flaky skin. You’ve done a wonderful job mum!

Choose Brauer: Helping keep Australians healthy since 1929.

Brauer. Your body’s choice.

BrauerAus or visit brauer.com.au

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to consider this principle: making socially and environmentally sound purchase choices helps socially and environmentally focussed industries to thrive.

In the words of the environmental activist and academic David Suzuki: “Our personal consumer choices have ecological, social and spiritual consequences.”25 Today’s new parents, who mostly reached their adult years in a world plagued with concerns about environmental damage and climate change, are a highly motivated group of consumers. Many will likely already know the power that they yield with their purchase choices. Selecting the right products off the shelf can encourage: • sustainable farming practices and a healthier world • the growth in variety and quality of self care products free from known toxins, petroleum byproducts, unnatural ingredients and preservatives and harmful plastics, • fair trade practices • the use of ethically sourced and ecocertified ingredients On a more personal level, selecting the right products can also improve the health of your children by: • reducing their exposure to potentially harmful toxins • reducing their exposure to harmful plastics • increasing their exposure to antiageing, antioxidant, and other health sustaining ingredients in high quality plant produce

So how do you choose between one organic product and another?

Always look for the total organic content of the product, as some will have less organic content than others. Also look for biodynamically produced and ethically sourced ingredients.

Research suggests that climate change is already posing a challenge to our health and the health of our children.

Embracing a more holistic approach that recognises the harmonious co-existence between humans and the environment, is a big step forward.

We can make a big difference now without reinventing the wheel, by simply starting to look at our buying choices.

Your support of product manufacturers who share these environmental and social goals, is already contributing to a healthier world for your children.

Su-Lin Sze is a naturopath with a special interest in natural baby care with an emphasis on biodyanmics, organic products and the holistic approach.

References

1. Xu et al (2012) Climate Change and Children’s Health – A Call for Researh on What Works to Protect Children, International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, vol.9, pp.3298-3316 2. McMichael, A, Butler, C. (2004) “Climate change, health, and development goals”, Lancet, iss.364, pp.2004–2006 3. Patz,et al (2005) “Impact of regional climate change on human health”, Nature, iss.438, pp.310–317, Sheffield, P.E,; Landrigan, P.J. (2010) “Global climate change and children’s health: Threats and strategies for prevention” Environmental Health Perspectives, iss.119, pp.291–298 4. See 1 above 5. See 1 above 6. WHO http://www.who.int/zoonoses/ diseases/impact/en/ “Impact of BSE” (2013) 7. WHO http://www.who.int/ mediacentre/factsheets/fs125/en/ “Enterohaemorrhagic Escherichia coli (EHEC)” (2013) 8. Fattore et al (2002) “Persistent Organic Pollutants in Food: Public Health”, Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, vol.56, pp.831-2 The rest of the references are available at www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Learning an Instrument: A Guide In this 3 part series, Tara Hashambhoy looks when to start, which instrument to choose and how parents can support the learning of an instrument Last issue we discussed a suitable age to begin learning an instrument. This time we’ll look at how to choose one!

In the orchestra brass, woodwind, strings and percussion entwine to create a rich sound palette. The Jazz band adds the saxophone, piano, drum kit and guitar to the musical spectrum.

There’s the recorder, voice and many more! All instruments have a unique sound, feel and ambience. Choosing one to play is a thoughtful process for parents and children.

Six is the earliest age for most children to begin learning an instrument. The choices open to a young child are limited, due to their physique. Favourites for under 9’s are voice, recorder, piano, violin/viola/cello, ukulele.

First-instruments can be a stepping-stone to a desired instrument: For example, A child who wants to play the flute may start on the recorder and graduate to the flute when they are physically ready for an instrument that requires stronger facial muscles and greater breath control.

A child’s first instrument is special – they’ll develop instrumental skills, thrive on challenges and develop the ability to focus and practice. There will be opportunities to perform and play with others!

Explore the options

I firmly believe that letting children follow their gut-instinct is the best way to choose an instrument. Expose them to many instruments and styles by attending concerts and listening to recordings. They will discover that some sounds appeal more than others.

Instruments have personalities and choosing an instrument is very personal. Let your child choose the instrument that appeals to them. Talk to your child about why they like a certain instrument, and guide them to choose an instrument for musical rather than social reasons (e.g. wanting to play guitar because their best friend does).

Visit a music shop and ask to try out some instruments.

The way an instrument feels is very important – a child may find making a sound by blowing very satisfying, but striking or bowing less so. Only by getting your hands on an instrument will you know what feels right and what feels awkward.

Remember: There’s often no perfect choice, and it’s OK to change! If your child stops practicing or seems to have lost enjoyment, start communicating with them and their teacher to find the cause. It may be instrument choice, or may

Photo: Depoist Photos

PART 2 – CHOOSING AN INSTRUMENT

be something else, but it’s important to address any issues.

Together you can help your child find a solution that will let them enjoy music again.

Practicalities to consider

• Instruments come in all shapes and sizes. Do you have room for a piano? How will you get the instrument to and from lessons, school or orchestra – big instruments are tricky if you have multiple children, long walks, bus trips… etc. If your child wants to play a large instrument, are you willing/ able to be a chauffer?

• Some instruments are cheap, some incredibly pricey. You can hire you most instruments from schools or vendors, but price may be a deciding factor. Lessons are essential for young students – factor lesson fees into your budget when choosing an instrument.

• Is a suitable teacher in reachable distance? Children need regular lessons to develop as a musician. Technical instruction helps one achieve an uninhibited playing style, and having a musical mentor is inspiring and empowering for students – a teacher challenges their students technically and creatively.

• Some instruments are better suited to specific physiques (dental structure is particularly important for woodwind instruments).

• Do your research and ask teachers for guidance. Teachers are happy to offer you honest advice and support.

Tara is founder of “Sound Explorers” Music and Movement classes in Sydney’s Inner West. She also teaches violin and chamber music and enjoys playing and performing regularly.

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Parenting the Strong-Willed Child As any parent will agree, parenting can be a challenge. However, there are some children that are very strong-willed, which can create additional challenges. Kelly Bartlett explains ways that you can effectively parent your child while embracing their strong spirit.

“Me

Do It - OWN!” That control is scary. Your first instinct may own decisions. was the exclamation be to think, “No! This isn’t right; this • You are feeling so angry right now. of my 1-year-old as my husband tried isn’t the direction I need to go.” Your • You must feel like you don’t have any to help him put the clean spoons back instinct might be to jerk the wheel back control. in the drawer. At the time, we thought to your intended path. However, when • You really want to play with your it was cute how he was able to articulate your car is skidding, what is actually the friends right now. what he wanted and so adamantly stand most effective way to get back on the • You were hoping to have a biscuit. up for himself. Little did we know how road? By turning into the skid first. Then • You love that toy, and you’re upset much the intensity of that moment you’re able to slow the momentum and that you can’t have it. would permeate nearly every interaction gain some traction.

• You wish you didn’t have to get Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and we would have together over the next dressed right now. several years. Our son is a strong-willed author of Hold on to Your Kids, says • You’d prefer to stay home today and child. His tenacious spirit and persistent that strong-willed children have similar not go anywhere. personality often challenge our efforts in reactions to a hard turn away from a skid. • Yeah, I can understand that. parenting him. Even the most mundane “Counterwill is an instinctive, automatic For strong-willed children, the need tasks become a battle, and not a day resistance to any sense of being forced,” to be heard and understood is especially goes by in which our decisions aren’t says Dr. Neufeld. “It is triggered important, as their energy can be so questioned or countered. Like us, so whenever a person feels controlled or powerful in the opposite way. Coming many other parents a l o n g s i d e ‘For strong-willed children, the need to be heard find themselves in children through a similar situation; and understood is especially important, as their empathy, validation, their children’s strong- energy can be so powerful in the opposite way’ and acceptance allows willed temperaments can be difficult to pressured to do someone else’s bidding.” them to feel connected enough to steer connect with, difficult to guide, difficult This is actually a positive attribute, as it their energy in the desired direction. protects children from being influenced to endure.

For parents of kids who are spirited or pressured from anyone to whom they REFRAME AND REDIRECT or strong-willed, guiding them through do not have an emotional connection.

Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive their development while maintaining When you find yourself at odds with Discipline and the founder of the a connected relationship can be your strong-willed child’s energy, find a Positive Discipline Association, says challenging. How is it possible to parent way to join her where she is—in other that strong will in a child is a great thing lovingly and effectively? Here are words, turn into the skid—in order to to have. “After all, we don’t want weakthree leading principles in parenting a redirect that momentum. Connect with willed children!” Strong willed kids strong-willed child that will keep your your child by acknowledging her feelings grow up to be assertive, determined relationship secure and embrace your and understanding her perspective: adults who know what they need and are • I can tell that you’re really upset. child’s strong spirit. confident in standing up for themselves.

• You are having such a fun time Dr. Nelsen says that parents should playing this game!

TURN INTO THE SKID celebrate that they have a spirited child.

If you’ve ever hit a skid while driving, • You are sad to say goodbye.

Then, take every opportunity to guide you know that suddenly heading a • You feel very strongly about this. that child into using their strong will in different direction while out of your • You need to be able to make your contributing ways. If not, she says kids

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EMBRACE YOUR OWN CONFIDENCE

In parenting, attitude is critical. So often, spirited children can suppress any confidence a parent may have because of the nature of their interactions. With frequent power struggles, belligerence, shouts and tears, parents may start to question if they’re making the right decisions for their child. They may

Photo: EstarA Photography

will use it in useless ways.

Children need plenty of opportunity to exercise their senses of competence and capability, so create an environment that is conducive to autonomy. From deciding what to wear, to fixing their own breakfast cereal, give children plenty of choices and opportunities for personal power in their lives. Enlist their help in solving small problems as often as you can. Work cooperatively to create daily routines that will help kids take responsibility for themselves. When you find yourself standing rigid against a child’s force of will, remember that parenting is not meant to be a battle of ‘us versus them.’ Instead, find a way to work with a child’s spirit by redirecting that willful energy in appropriate ways.

Dr. Nelsen also says the key to relating to strong-willed children is to find a balance of kindness and firmness in everyday interactions. “Many parents know how to be kind…until they get upset. Then they know how to be firm without being kind, and they vacillate between the two; being kind until they can’t stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being firm until they can’t stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).” A great example of using kindness and firmness at the same time is telling kids, I love you and the answer is no. First, connect with kids on an emotional level and remind them you’re on their side. Then set a clear limit and let kids have their feelings about it.

not feel competent to handle such exuberance.

Parents of strong-willed children must find their power—not a physical power over or even a cooperative power with a child, but a power within themselves. It’s a personal power and a sense of, ‘I’ve got this’. Children pick up on this confidence (or lack thereof), and can experience a sense of insecurity when they think they are ‘too much’ for anyone to handle. What they need is a parent who is able to accept their willful spirit and the full range of emotions in accompaniment. This internal shift in confidence has a tremendous impact on a child’s behavior; kids begin to feel the inherent strength of boundaries that are set and start to have less need to test

them.

So no matter your child’s strength of will, remember that you have what it takes to be the best parent for him: the ability to connect with and support him throughout his development, a positive and accepting perspective of his temperament, and the inner strength in knowing that you are his best bet. Above all, communicate to your child, “I’ve got you.”

Kelly Bartlett is the author of “Encouraging Words For Kids.” She is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator and freelance writer with a focus on child development, family relationships and discipline. You can find more of her work at www.kellybartlett.net

Why Fathers Matter There is so much information and research on the role of mothers, yet little on the role and importance of fathers. Ben Pratt explains why fathers matter, how becoming a father is a learnt skill and challenges fathers to fight for their children

Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

Father’s

Day is a century to put aside his grief at the loss to a father. A child asks this question special day of his second wife and care for that many because they want to know that their for many families, and as we celebrated children alone. father will always be there for them, it this year you can be assured that the It would be unfair to hold up one that he will defend them, protect them, media did everything they could to man though, and claim that he is the teach them, love them. A father hears part us from our money in the name quintessential father. It’s not called this question, and he has to ask himself of honouring fathers. ‘Remember your ‘William Jackson Smart Day’, after all. how committed he is to being a father, Dad’, ‘Do something nice this Father’s Throughout history there have been and how much he is willing to give for Day’, ’Show him how much he means many, many fathers who have gone to his child. Will he deny himself, and do to you’, the different ways they say the extraordinary lengths for their children, what he must to provide for their needs? same thing are monotonous, mindand have made the world a better place.

That one question, ‘Am I worth numbing, and utterly devoid of emotion.

It’s these fathers, and more personally fighting for?’ can be seen to underpin Our American friends would call it our own fathers, grandfathers, and almost everything about whether a a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ designed to sell father figures that we think of on this father succeeds or fails in his role as a greeting cards, and in many cases they day, and it is their love and sacrifice that parent. A mother cannot answer this wouldn’t be wrong. That wasn’t the case we seek to honour. question for a child no matter how they originally though, and it shouldn’t be the We know that fathers matter, but try, because the approval of a mother is case now either. what is it about a father that makes them different to the approval of a father. This Father’s Day was is not to say that a single ‘A man learns how to be a father by interacting mother is neglecting first celebrated in America in 1910, with, and spending time with his child. The more or abusing her child, and was created time he spends with his child, the stronger their any more than a single to complement bond becomes, and the deeper the relationship is.’ father is doing the same.

Mother’s Day (which was first celebrated matter? What part of good fatherhood Instead, it is to recognise that whilst in America in 1908) by a woman who is it that answers a question deep within men and women are of equal value and knew the difference that a Father can our soul? importance, they play very different and make in the life of a child. Sonora Dodd Sadly there is very little research complementary roles in the raising of a (nee Smart) was the daughter of former into fatherhood, and even less into child (as well as in society in general).

US Civil War soldier William Jackson those few men who choose to be their Underpinning this question and Smart who raised 13 children in total, child’s primary carer (more on this in much of the foundation of childrearing and nine on his own after his second wife another issue). Much of the research is the concept of bidirectional died in childbirth. When he first took on that has been done can be summed up relationships. We accept without the role of a single father, the children in one simple idea, one that comes with thought that a parent teaches and equips from his first marriage were grown and complex repercussions. Both boys and a child for life in our world, and yet we no longer at home, but the other nine girls have a very basic question that they rarely consider that it is our children ranged from newborn to 19 years of ask their fathers. who teach us how to be a parent, and age. Consider the way that society today equip us with the tools we need to care views single fathers, then consider how ‘Am I worth fighting for?’ for them. Those who practice natural much more difficult it would have been Consider the depth of that question, parenting are more aware of it than for a former soldier in the nineteenth and what it means both to a child, and others, but even then it is rare that the www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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The neutral: Silence

Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

So many of the fathers in our western society are disengaged from their families, they seem to suffer from apathy and depression forced upon them either by their own history or by the messages of a society that denigrates men’s roles in family and in childrearing. When a man is disengaged, he says to his children “I don’t know if you’re worth fighting for. You’ll have to work it out for yourself ”.

The negative: You are worthless

bidirectionality of relationships between parents and children is spoken of explicitly.

Look at some of the practices of natural parenting. Two examples that come to mind are ‘elimination communication (EC)’ and ‘demand feeding’. At their heart, both of these practices assume that a child is aware of their needs, and that it is up to their parent to learn to interpret those needs, and then to provide for them. As the parent learns their child’s cues, they are able to respond more promptly and accurately, giving them the tools and knowledge to provide for their child.

To complement this, the child learns to understand language (both physical and verbal) to help them communicate more clearly so that their needs can be met. This exchange of learning occurs from the moment of birth (and perhaps before birth!) throughout the period of the relationship between the parent and child, ending only when separation occurs.

Good fathers aren’t born, they are developed, through this bidirectional relationship. A man learns how to be a father by interacting with, and spending time with his child. The more time he spends with his child, the stronger their bond becomes, and the deeper the relationship is. The deeper the relationship, the more accurately and adequately the child can communicate his or her needs to their father, and the more accurately and adequately the father can respond to those needs. A child needs to be loved, to be protected, to be taught and educated. They also need fun, frivolity, they need to learn how to take risks in a wise manner. For every child, the ways that these things need to happen are different, even within the same family, even with the same child at different developmental stages. By constantly seeking to learn about his child, a father develops his fathering skills and gains the knowledge he needs to succeed as a father.

All of this, for a father, boils down to that one question; ‘Am I worth fighting for?’

Fathers answer this question of ‘Am I worth fighting for?’ in several different ways, but they can be stripped down to three different forms.

The positive: Yes, my son/daughter, you are valuable

This is commonly shown by actions more than words (we men are generally not good with words), but the simplest way a father can show his child that he will fight for them, is that he will put aside almost anything else for the chance to be with them. This is the father we should all strive to be, because he’s saying to his children “I will fight for you, regardless of what it costs me”.

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Uncommon but still occurring far too often is the abusive father. Abuse takes many forms, commonly with children it is verbal and physical, but at times can become spiritual, financial, or sexual. This man is saying “You have no value other than what I give you” and he is doing his best to destroy the heart and soul of his child.

When it comes to Father’s Day, and why we celebrate it, it’s because of that first group of fathers. The ones who say “I will fight for you” to their children. Fathers matter, because they are the only ones who can answer that question at the heart of every child, and their reaction to that question will help to define the personality and future of that child either for better or for worse.

If you are a positive father, then I tip my hat to you. This doesn’t mean you’re perfect, it means that you’re fighting to be the father you need to be, the father that your children need you to be. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins, and do your best every day to keep learning from your children, and listening to them. Keep fighting for your children!

If you are a neutral father, then do not be discouraged!

Many men are simply not aware of the effect that their disengagement has on their families, and do not know how to deal with it or move past it. Recognising that you’re not where you want to be is the first step in becoming a positive father.

The next step is to sit down and talk about it with your partner and your children, and listen to them. There are groups that exist to help men achieve in fathering, and seeking help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of maturity, and it shows that you are willing to fight for your children.

If you are a negative father, then you need to seek help.

You are likely suffering from your own emotional wounds and need professional assistance to move past them. Remember, it is never too late to change a behaviour, and it is never too late to repair a relationship. Many men struggle with abusive behaviour without knowing how to change, but you need to understand that you CAN CHANGE, if you are willing to fight for your children.

Between now and next Father’s Day, when we again gather together with our families to recognise the value of fathers, let’s reflect on what makes them so special to us. If you’re a father, then commit (or re-commit) with me to fathering excellence.

Let’s commit to fight for our children, regardless of the cost to ourselves.

Ben Pratt is a stay at home dad of three children. He is also the national ambassador for Dads4Kids, a charity with a focus on getting men involved in marriage and child raising. Ben’s work has also seen him be invited to speak at Parliament House on the issue of fatherhood.

Dad’s Corner One dad’s adventures of natural parenting with his little buddy, William Wow, another three months have passed! It almost seems like a blur, but we have had some wonderful times! As many of you would know, life with a toddler surely keeps us on our toes!

Since the last column, I have become more a little more efficient at the sign language. Even I can now have a conversation with him in sign!

But, on the other hand, William is starting to say a few words which is much easier for me. The cutest one is him saying his name, he says “Wilwa”! I can’t help but call him Wilwa too.

He is also so much more aware of his surroundings. I have been taking him to the park to feed the ducks and play in the afternoons so Kristy can work and he knows exactly which streets we are on and which way we are to turn. What surprised me one day was that we were going down to the beach, William pointed down the street to where the park is and signed ‘duck park’. I never witnessed things like this with my older children.

William also had his second birthday. We had a small party at a park with friends and family. We kept the toys to a minimum, but he is absolutely loving the wooden trains, Noah’s Ark and his Skuttlebug!

It has been an amazing time to watch William’s sense of adventure develop too. He has started taking more risks, including jumping off high things into my arms, going down decent sized hills on his Skuttlebug and climbing up the ladder to the top when we are working in the ‘Man Shed’. There are things that he says he wants to do but is still a little scared. For example, today he wanted to crawl through a pipe, but didn’t because he was scared of the spiders in there. But if he is anything like I was as a little boy, it won’t be long and he will be doing anything and everything!

We also went over to New Zealand for a holiday with my father, or as William calls him “Da-Pa” (Grandpa)! It was beautiful to watch how they both bonded during that week away. Da Pa would sit in the back of the motorhome with William while we were traveling and draw on the magnetic drawing board to entertain William. He also went on a couple of train rides next to William, where William would hold his hand (top photo). Sadly, it is these moments that I know will not last forever for William as my father is 85 years old.

We also camped every fortnight, which is great relaxation and family time for all of us. For the last 18 months we have camped with some friends, who were like family for William. Everytime we told him we were going camping, the first thing he would do is sign ‘Carol’ and ‘Steven’. However we have just had our last camping trip with them for a while as they are setting off around Australia for a year. I know that children adapt, but I’m still a little worried about how William will feel not having them around each time we go camping.

Anyway that’s all for this edition and I trust everyone is enjoying their time with their children (no matter what age they might be) as much as I am.

ad d my D ! n a m Willia hands holding

Me a n bush d Willia m walk ing w grea t vie ith a w!

at illiam !

W d Me an Huka Falls

William trying to walk in Daddy’s boots!

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Emotional Expression: Helping Children Learn the Language of their Heart

Emotions are tricky things, especially those that were considered ‘bad’. However, as Dr Deborah MacNamara explains, if we can help our children express their emotions, we may be able to create a more tolerate and empathetic world.

In

a photographer’s studio give emotions; our subjective appraisal non-verbal cries of a baby, to the biting in the town of Oaxaca, of what is stirred up inside of us. The and stomping of the toddler, to the eye Mexico, the walls are full of pictures process of bringing these instinctually rolling of the teenager. We can also of children smiling, laughing, acting driven, emotional experiences under express ourselves through language as shy, angry or crying. When the owner conscious control of the pre-frontal we often tell our preschoolers to do, is asked why he captures all of these cortex (where we think before we act), “use your words instead of your hits.” emotional expressions he replies they are starts to unfold in the early years and The gateway to the heart is through the part of life and the parents want to have continues well into adolescence. It is the mouth and the words we use help reveal pictures to reflect this. His statement is development of integrative and executive its content. When my 7-year old had to captivating especially upon considering functioning in the pre-frontal cortex have a needle, instead of running away, the happy snapshots typically adorning that allows us to experience more than kicking and fighting she sat still as they such walls. Where do all those unhappy one feeling or thought at a time giving drew her blood and screamed at the top pictures go – the frowns, tears, and rise to more self control beginning at of her lungs – ough, ough, ough, ough! children’s backs turned in protest and approximately age 6. It is part of our Moving wasn’t an option but channelling defiance? The pictures seem to more human nature to have a relationship and her pain into words was (albeit terrifying readily capture a child’s emotional life increasingly conscious awareness of our a few people waiting for their needles rendering the happy snapshots one- emotions, separating us from all other too). Helping our children verbally share dimensional, limited, and truncated mammal species. their heart content is a critical step in upon reflection. Do the ‘Emotions are neither right nor wrong, they helping them develop pictures on these walls are just part of the beautiful complexity of our a more civilised way translate into a similar human nature and interaction with the world’ of being in the world invitation for expression when stirred up. in the children’s homes? What So why is that What is the role of adults in do these pictures have to tell us about helping kids develop a more civilised despite being born with a bias to our relationship to children’s emotions expression when stirred up by their express ourselves we can be plagued as well as our own adult sized ones? by difficulties in finding words for our emotions?

We can no more prevent our Humans are born with a bias to heart content? emotions from rising inside of us than express themselves and to release Sometimes we resist our feelings we can prevent the sun rising each content stirred up within their emotional - we may not recognise them, want to morning. The presence of an emotional system. Our clichés capture this bias with admit to them or push them away. The state indicates we have been activated expressions of, “I must follow my heart” problem lies not with our emotions by something in our environment - we or “go with all of my heart.” The role but with the relationship we have with are stirred up. Emotions are something of expression is partly instinctual and them. Emotions are neither right nor humans share in common with other serves the purpose of helping us ‘digest’ wrong, they are just part of the beautiful mammals and are instinctual in nature all that we have ‘ingested,’ particularly complexity of our human nature and with chemical and physical activation when it comes to emotional content. interaction with the world around us. in the body. As Pascal (17th century) James Earl Jones once said, “One of the How we come to express our emotions said, “The heart has its reasons which hardest things in life is having words in ways that don’t violate others while reason knows nothing of.” Emotions are in your heart you can’t utter.” We have making room for their release is the not feelings. Feelings are the names we many forms of expression from the question at hand. It is a puzzle that is

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What gets in the way of helping our children learn a language of the heart?

First of all there are developmental challenges including being born with a limited set of perceptions and emotions. Children express themselves non-verbally to start with as emotions developing faster than words. Finding words to express all that is stirred up requires support and groundwork beginning with reflecting feeling names for emotional experiences: sad, frustrated, disappointed, ashamed and so on. If you can’t name something you can’t have a relationship with it. How can we begin to even figure out what to do with our jealously, envy, disappointment if we don’t have a name for it? Names imbue meaning, they start a conversation and are a way to make sense of an experience as well as provide room for having a relationship with them. One day my child told me her “stomach felt like it was making butter.” That churning feeling was explored with the faces of apprehension, worry and fear appearing in relation to all the changes she could see on the horizon. She could not begin to wade through all of these emotions without first putting a name to them.

Children can sometimes resist and hide their emotions especially if they believe approval from significant others will be other than positive. The idea that ‘good girls are nice and don’t talk back’ or ‘brave boys don’t cry’ continue to infuse adult messages increasing the need to repress emotions that run contrary. If we get caught up in being nice and brave, one wonders where

all the not-so-nice or fearful feelings go? We also live with a false belief that the expression of an emotion will lead to increased actions based on them.

Research on the other hand suggests the expression of emotions actually leads to diminishing their overall effect and need to act. When we try to cut out troublesome feelings, the upset, the frustration will need to go somewhere and the question becomes; ‘Where does this energy go?’ When our emotional systems are activated and emotional expression blocked, the energy can become stuck and escalate thus eroding overall expression and spontaneity for life. Stuck emotions lead to disarray.

Our words need to be congruent with what is within our heart. Without this integrity we pollute ourselves, living in the shadows of our authentic self.

Emotions drive psychological development from early childhood to adolescence. While a young child may be learning feeling words for their emotions, teens are trying to make sense of all of the mixed emotions they experience. One part wants to become their own person while another side is alarmed by the growing separation from parents. There are signs everywhere that children, teens and adults are trying to numb out and be distracted from their feelings by overeating, medication, drugs

and alcohol, and screen and technology overuse. When we stop feeling we stop growing and then become prone to acts of uncaring and selfishness, as exemplified by the bully. With little remorse, shame or caring bullies engage in daily acts aimed at exploiting the vulnerable. Hearts were meant to feel deeply – not grow hard and cold. Hard hearts are a response and a form of protection against the vulnerability of living in a world that is no longer safe or is too emotionally or physically wounding. When caring sets us up for getting hurt there is a sacrifice play as Dr. Neufeld states and the brain chooses survival over feeling. When our feelings start to disappear the world becomes muted and the colours of the emotional

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Photo: EstarA Photography

well worth figuring out for the sake of our children’s mental and physical health as well as their long term potential to form healthy relationships. Building healthy friendships as well as marriages/ partnerships are all affected by one’s capacity to be fully present and act with integrity where the heart is concerned.

The capacity to recognise and name one’s feelings also fosters personal growth over a life span. The more we can put into words the more we will cultivate a relationship with ourselves and the less likely dark spaces will grow inside where awareness should reside. Too many people live and suffer in isolation, separated from others because they cannot or do not share the contents of their heart.

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world diminish. Into a world of grey we can slip quietly, where not feeling becomes a place of refuge, not by choice but by necessity. It is only through gentle and caring nurture we can rescue someone from their muted world by beckoning them and convincing them the world is safe again. Keeping our kids hearts soft is one of the most important things we can do as parents. Their capacity to feel a full array of emotions and express what is inside will continue to drive their growth and maturity over a lifetime.

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We must do more than just help them learn names for their feelings, there must be enough contact and closeness that allows for the safety of revealing vulnerable thoughts and feelings. We may be born with a bias to express ourselves but we must also have someone to entrust our secrets to. To share our secrets we must first give our heart to someone so that the desire to be known and understood creates the yearning to share what is within. When we share our feelings the relationship deepens and we feel at home in their care with a strong sense of belonging. As Carl Jung said, “One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings …. Warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child.”

Attachment is what draws our kid’s heart content out and into the spaces in-between us where we connect. It is our generosity and invitation they must feel along with room to express what is within their hearts, unfettered by our perceived reactions and impressions of their heart content.

Sometimes the hardest emotions to deal with from our kids are the ones we struggle with most inside ourselves. If there is little room for our own tears and imperfections it will be hard to find room for theirs.

How do we convey to them their emotions are neither right nor wrong if we stand in judgement and carry shame where ours are concerned?

Sometimes our response to our kid’s emotional content conveys there is no room or desire to hear more. We can discount their feelings with statements like, “it’s no big deal, just go outside and play” or “don’t worry about making mistakes, it is just part of learning.” When we overrule or deny their feelings it will not create the space where one recognises, names, and can come to terms with one’s fears, desires or frustrations. Other unhelpful responses include attempts to rationalise feelings away through logic. “Don’t let what people say bother you, their words can’t hurt you.” “What do you mean I never buy you anything? Why are you so ungrateful … the other day I bought you …?” Our feelings cannot be simply explained away, in fact we need to look at our jealousy, sadness or loss in the light of day in order to know them, find a way through and shed tears for all that is stirred up within. Further unhelpful responses to heart content include prescriptions on how they should handle something, seizing the opportunity to teach a lesson about life. “If you would keep your things more organised then you would know where to find them when you needed them.” What would it look like for a teenager to be held in their experience of frustration and sadness in not being able to find something – perhaps their emotions might teach them something more powerful than we could ever convey. Finally,

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sometimes we try to protect our kids from certain feelings that are routinely part of life, like when they aren’t invited to the birthday party or have to face the loss of a cherished pet.

We try to distract their eyes with promises of other treasures instead of helping them find and name what treasure was lost, thus avoiding all the tears that must be shed. If we do not lead our children to their vulnerable feelings and encourage a relationship with them then who will?

Helping our kids convey how they feel requires much patience and time on our part. We can communicate a desire to know what is within them in many ways, from the warmth of our presence, to active listening and mirroring their experiences, (e.g., “you seem really grumpy this morning, I am wondering if you are thinking about your dentist appointment)?” It is not enough to simply reflect their hearts content we must also convey that we can handle their emotions. Some children experience intense emotions due to inherent sensitivity sometimes overwhelming adults in their life. For a child to share their heart’s content they need to feel we can take all of them – that they need not make themselves smaller in our presence because they are too much to handle.

A rich and varied emotional life is what gives our time on earth its fullness. It is behind our overall expression, spontaneity and full engagement in our lives as well as in the quality of relationships we have with others. As Albert Einstein said, “There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.”

The capacity for congruence between our heart and our mouth is at the root of personal integrity and authenticity.

When we do not honour what is within, we can alter ourselves to please others thus diminishing and polluting ourselves.

We must reconcile the need to reveal ourselves with a world that doesn’t always have the time, space or desire to know what it is within us. The answer is not to openly broadcast oneself to the world, but rather to nourish and sustain vulnerable relationships where we can share our hearts content, where we can be seen, heard, and loved for who we truly are. Without a relationship with oneself it will be hard to enter into deep relationships with others where we can truly give the gift of ourselves. If we cannot make room for our own emotional experience then how can we really make room for another’s experience inside of us. If there is no room in our heart for another we cannot offer them a place of rest, refuge nor satiate their need for belonging, significance, love and being known.

We must help our children and teens know themselves by making room for all that is stirred up inside and guiding them through this strange and foreign land. When they have names for their emotional experiences they will be able to make sense of them and sort out what to do with their frustration, jealousy and disappointment. When they have a relationship with their inner experiences they will be able to enter into deep and meaningful relationships with others where there is interdependence, communion and sustainability. To share ourselves we must first have a self to share – a heart that feels, a mouth that tells, and a belief that the richness in life comes from experiencing it in a vulnerable way. It takes time and patience to help our kids get there, but a journey that is well worth the wait in gold.

Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a Counsellor and Educator in private practice, on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute. For more info see www.macnamara.ca or www.neufeldinstitute.com

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Shattered

Expectations Losing a child is beyond comprehension to many of us. But some are forced to live with it.

Petrea King delves into the world of stillbirth and provides some ways which may assist parents to deal with the unimaginable pain of losing their angel.

To

give birth to a lifeless baby for Life Centre where parents come to opportunity to conduct some kind of must surely be one of life’s find peace and reconciliation with their ritual around the burial or cremation greatest heartaches. The disappointment grief, we have heard some of the really of your baby and that he or she hasn’t and devastation of losing a baby through appalling things that have been said to been spirited away without ceremony a stillbirth is second to none. The them in the days, weeks and months as has been routinely done in the past. expectation and excitement invested in after the loss of their baby. Things like, It was quite common in years gone by to this baby for months, and sometimes “You can always have another baby”, whisk away the body of a baby without years, come crashing down leaving you “But you have other children”, “It must the parents being even able to see their overwhelmed with grief and feelings of be God’s Will”, or “It must have been child, let alone to hold him or her. meant to be this way”. People often don’t profound loss.

The emotional rollercoaster is all have any idea what to say and will blurt HELPING SIBLINGS COPE consuming as we shift through a range out these really unhelpful statements.

If you have other children you may of possible feelings including great By all means be patient with people but find it useful to include them in some sadness and grief, anger, guilt, despair, don’t be afraid to say something like, “I aspects of this great loss to your family longing, blame, loneliness and isolation, hear what you say, but right now I need as they too were full of expectation rage, powerlessness, hopelessness to deal with this in my own way”. and excitement at the advent of a baby Of course, there is no answer brother or sister. You may need to and helplessness. We may lose our appetite, forget things, feel clumsy and that will minimise the gamut of protect them from the full force of your disoriented, dissolve into tears for grief as it can be frightening no apparent reason and want ‘This precious baby will always be one to young children to to isolate ourselves from of your children and will forever hold a witness their parents everyone, including the completely incapacitated special place in your heart and life.’ people we love. It feels such a by emotion. However, it is profoundly private anguish and yet, overwhelming feelings that a parent is healthy and valuable for your children there are probably many other people likely to experience. Being reasonable is to see you weep and grieve and then to who are likewise feeling bereft of this never helpful or an appropriate response witness you recover yourself and return to such a devastating loss. The only to some level of functioning. In this much awaited addition to the family.

This article doesn’t in any way response of any value is compassion; to way you demonstrate to your children pretend to relieve you of the distress weep alongside, to comfort with your that weeping and feeling sad is normal you might be feeling if you have recently presence, to show up and feel the anguish and necessary and that we are able to had the experience of losing a baby of your own helplessness to change what move on from distress, to being able to during pregnancy. There is no advice; is simply awful to experience or witness. manage our feelings. If there is to be a Hopefully, if you are the parents, you ritual or ceremony around the burial or there are no words and no real comfort that can be extended to a parent who is have had the opportunity to hold your cremation of your baby then find a way in the midst of such an overwhelming baby, to name your child, to marvel at for your other children to be involved experience. This of course, doesn’t stop the perfection of fingers, toes, nose and by perhaps reading a poem, making some people from saying things that are ears, to weep over their body and shed a drawing, writing a letter, picking a completely unhelpful and tremendously the tears of disappointment, to feel the special flower or lighting a candle so great grief of shattered expectations. that they are included in the ritual of painful to hear.

In our retreat programs at the Quest Hopefully too, you have been given the farewell.

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Daddy, Jon, spending precious moments with his Sleeping Angel, Hayley. Read Kara, Jon and Hayley’s story in the ‘Your Story’ section on page 65.

GAMUT OF FEELINGS

As you move through the gamut of feelings around your grief, you may find some of the following suggestions helpful to deal with the anguish and begin the process of looking towards the future. There is no fast track through the powerful feelings you are likely to experience and you need to create time to feel the bewilderment, the sadness and all the complex emotions of your loss.

Grief can be made even more complex if medical incompetence or some kind of accident or trauma was the cause of the death of your baby. Feelings of guilt, rage and the terrible ‘if onlys’ can torment us and render us bereft of all reason and perspective. These feelings and thoughts are perfectly understandable and it’s important to remember that it’s fine to feel or think anything; it’s what we do with our thoughts and feelings that matters. You might feel helpless rage but you won’t find it helpful to act from that feeling. You might find yourself plotting revenge but it won’t be helpful to carry out what you’re plotting. If negligence has been part of your experience, you may need to proceed with making

a complaint. For your own peace of mind, this is best done in the spirit of not wanting this tragedy to happen to another person and that lessons can be learned from the experience, rather than from a perspective of punishment or revenge.

DEALING WITH YOUR FEELINGS

It’s important that you don’t suppress or bottle up your feelings and at the same time, it can be helpful to cultivate a sense of witnessing yourself experiencing and discharging these powerful emotions.

Obviously we need to express our feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt ourselves, other people or property. We each have our unique way of expressing strong emotions. I know when I weep, I often prefer privacy as I like doing the full theatricals of grief and if anyone witnessed it, they might think I’m in need of hospitalisation, medication or restraining in some way! The truth is I actually find it an enormous relief to allow my body to wail, groan, moan, sob, shudder and shake as the powerful emotions of grief are expressed. I used to be very afraid of such powerful emotions

and their expression but now, having experienced several significant traumas, I can witness myself discharging these emotions knowing that I am not these feelings, I am expressing these feelings. I have found an inner sense of stability and peace that is unperturbed by powerful emotions. However, this is a journey for each of us and I am certainly not saying it should be anyone else’s experience. I am saying that it is possible to find peace even after the greatest of traumas and tragedies.

For many parents, the feelings of grief are completely unfamiliar and you might never have experienced such powerful emotions. Be gentle with yourself as you explore this unfamiliar territory of grief. It’s bound to be messy and unskilful as these strong feelings overwhelm or incapacitate you. There’s no neat and tidy way to grieve and grief doesn’t last for a prescribed period of time. We grieve for a lifetime but we become more comfortable with our discomfort and understand what is happening when we are assailed by the feelings of sadness, longing and loss.

Acknowledge and validate your feelings and don’t try to rationalise or deny them.

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Photo: Lumsdaine Photography *

Photo: Judith Conning Photography

Photo: Heartfelt Representative *

Cassie and Ryan’s Sleeping Angel, Dex

Lyndell & Andrew’s daughter, Charlotte

Kristie’s Sleeping Angel, Avery

*Photography organised by Heartfelt, an organisation of professional photographers dedicated to giving the gift of photographic memories to families that have experienced stillbirths (www.heartfelt.org.au)

It’s an important part of the healing process to allow the feelings that you’re experiencing even though you can feel bombarded by their intensity.

This can be complicated in a relationship where each of you may be experiencing powerful feelings but may have very different ways of dealing with or expressing difficult emotions.

There is no ‘right’ way to grieve. For instance, you or your partner might try to bury your pain in work or busyness as a distraction from the feelings while the other partner wants to talk. Taking out your anguish on your partner, by blaming them for the way they are expressing – or not – their grief can be very destructive to the relationship and if that is happening, you are likely to find some visits with a skilled grief counsellor to be very helpful for you both.

If your partner refuses to have counselling, don’t let that stop you from finding a professional who can assist you with your own feelings and will perhaps help you understand your partner’s behaviour as well. Be patient with your partner’s way of grieving and listen to their perspective and validate whatever they need to express, even if it seems weird or different from what you are thinking or feeling. Grief can nudge us into some very strange and unfamiliar territory and it is helpful to have someone listen to us without judgement or a need to have us be any different from how we are. Watch over each other and make sure you are both doing some or all of the things described in this article so neither of you slip into depression. Depression can be like a heavy blanket we put over our feelings because we find them overwhelming and/or we don’t know how to express them.

If you feel that you are really struggling with your emotions, or if you feel that you or your partner are slipping into depression – overwhelming sadness, difficulty with sleeping, lack of concentration, loss of interest in intimacy or making love, no appetite, thinking about suicide, constantly restless – then it is important that you visit a grief counsellor or mental health professional who will help you manage your feelings in a

more positive way that allows you to move towards integrating this loss and finding healing and peace.

It is very important that we find an avenue for expression of the feelings we are experiencing so that we don’t deny, minimise or negate them. Bring compassion to yourself and each other and allow space for all that you are experiencing individually and together. Reach out for help if you feel that you are withdrawing from each other or blaming each other. You are both hurting and the need for gentleness and understanding will never be more important than in the weeks and months after the loss of your baby. Such powerful experiences can be the catalyst for either a breakdown of a relationship or a breakthrough to a deeper level of shared intimacy, support and understanding.

TELL YOUR STORY

It’s important to tell our story; over and over if necessary.

This helps us to take on the enormity of what has happened to us and leads us towards acceptance. Sometimes we don’t know what we feel or think until we hear what we say! Perhaps there’s a local support group in which parents share their experience or you can find an online one if you are geographically isolated.

Some people find journaling tremendously helpful. The words you write don’t have to be shared with anyone and you can pour yourself onto its pages without any need to tidy up your language or worry about how your inner world might be perceived by others. As difficult as you might find it to tell your story, persevere with friends, family or a therapist so that what is within you, finds expression.

CEREMONIAL RECOGNITION

This precious baby will always be one of your children and will forever hold a special place in your heart and life. That’s why it is important to name your baby and speak of him or her as an important part of your family. In time, this baby who grew within your body and filled your dreams will take his or

Are you or someone you love living with grief or loss?

Quest for Life provides residential retreats and community-based workshops that encourage, educate and empower people to confidently face their challenges, whatever they may be.

helping you to find inner peace

Healing Your Life A nurturing retreat for people seeking peace and healing after a traumatic experience or who live with grief, despair, depression, anger or anxiety. Learn practical strategies, skills and self-help techniques to positively move forward in your life. Our residential retreats allow you to escape the distractions of daily life and focus on yourself in a nurturing and healing environment.

Upcoming retreat dates: 7 - 11 October | 13 - 17 November | 9 - 13 December Petrea King’s books and CDs are available through our online shop

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Sometimes Hearts Have to Break Inspirational Journeys

her sacred place as someone who broke your heart and brought you to the deep understanding of how precious we are to one another. The depth of your grief is a measure of your capacity to love which is why this child will always be so important to you and your family. Find a way to acknowledge the importance of this member of your family. This might be through a garden you create or a tree that is planted; it might be through a memorial service or by preserving something special that you were saving for your baby.

A ritual of remembrance or creating a special place or feature in your garden or home can be a helpful way of acknowledging the importance of the relationship that each family member holds with your baby. I have written about the ritual of sending rainbows in a previous issue of Nurture and you can find it under Resources on our website www.questforlife.com.au.

Wrapping children up in a rainbow before they go to sleep, connecting up with you from heart to heart and sending a rainbow to the baby’s garden, tree, photo, heaven or special place can be a comfort for children who are also grieving the loss of their sibling. Just as this baby will always be a precious part of your life, so too will he or she be for your children.

This will always be their brother or sister who came and left so quickly and yet had a profound impact upon their life. The more you are able to incorporate this baby into your lives as an important member of the family, the more easily your children will accept the loss and the unseen presence of their brother or sister. Depending upon the age of your children one of the ways that can help them understand death is the symbol of the balloon.

You can explain to a young child that what makes a balloon beautiful is the air that is within it. When the air goes out of the balloon, we are left with just a coloured piece of rubber. The air in the balloon is like the spirit that resides within each of us. That spirit shines out of our eyes, can be felt in the warmth of our hugs; is conveyed in our smiles and in our laughter.

When the spirit leaves, we leave behind the shell of our body.

Nature is a great teacher of impermanence – cicada shells, cocoons, seashells, autumn leaves, the cycles of nature – all of these can be helpful in showing children that the outer form might become lifeless but the energy or spirit that enlivens the form continues in some way. Depending upon your spiritual or religious beliefs, you can tell your children that the spirit of your baby goes to heaven; is held in God’s love and care; goes into everything that is beautiful about life; is free of all suffering and feels no pain; can be felt in their heart whenever they think of their little sister or brother or in some other way that feels right for you and is in alignment with your philosophies about life.

Research shows that a stillbirth is not necessarily predictive of another. If your doctor doesn’t see any problem with you having another pregnancy, then when you feel ready, dream and plan for another child while at the same time embracing the grief you’re feeling in the present.

Petrea King is the author of 5 books to help people deal with loss, including ‘Sometimes Hearts Have to Break’. She has also written many children’s books, including You, Me & the Rainbow, Rainbow Kids and The Rainbow Garden.

Petrea is also the Founder and CEO, Quest for Life Foundation www.questforlife.com.au

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Don’t Put the Cart Before the Horse: Looking for the Reasons Behind Children’s Behaviour Although many parents discipline a child for particular behaviour, it may in fact be putting the cart before the horse. As Dr Peter Haiman discusses, looking behind the behaviour to the underlying cause may be a more effective way to respond to behaviour issues.

Many

c h i l d r e n be derived from the countless studies develop bad or on young children. When parents use disturbing patterns of behaviour that these research-based principles for concern parents. Some children become child rearing, a foundation is built for hurtful, angry, enraged, aggressive, or the development of a well-behaved, defiant. Others become shy, withdrawn, emotionally healthy human being. passive, tearful, or fearful. Children As a result, these parents also enjoy may even develop habits such as thumb parenting.

The child-rearing method that best sucking, nail biting, nightmares, failure to focus attention, or ADHD (attention represents the research on children and parenting uses a diagnostic approach deficit hyperactivity disorder).

Many parents are not sure what to to understand and manage all types do when they see these kinds of habits of childhood behaviour. Diagnosis and behaviours. Some respond by is a process by which information punishing their child. They give ‘time is systematically gathered about out’ or take away privileges. Other the motivation for behaviour. The parents overpower their child. They purpose of gathering the information intimidate, threaten, yell at, or frighten is to determine the possible underlying the child. Many mothers and f a t h e r s cause(s). find themselves using a ‘Rather than focusing attention on combination of these parents can be far more effective and parenting reactions. they anticipate the needs of their Later, upon reflection, The diagnostic approach regards all they are not satisfied with these childhood behaviour as a sign, signal, techniques or with their effects.

What can parents do to reduce and or symptom that communicates the eliminate these behaviours—whether of current state of the child’s physical and the angry and aggressive or the passive psychosocial needs and drives. When and fearful type? How can childhood a young child is behaving well and in a energy be freed and redirected toward developmentally appropriate way, one more constructive purposes? How of two things can be inferred. Either best can parents prevent and respond the child’s normal underlying needs to misbehaviour? What is a rational, and drives are being met, or the child effective, and humane child-rearing is enduring the frustration of unmet approach that produces well-behaved drives and needs. Disturbing behaviour occurs when one or more normal children?

The research on child development developmental need is frustrated and and child rearing offers a wealth of the child cannot tolerate the frustration.

Young children have a number valuable information. Many appropriate and helpful child-rearing guidelines can of powerful and normal needs, the

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frustration of which causes them distress. Young children cannot tolerate much frustration. However, children are better able to learn to tolerate frustration if they learn when they are young that their needs will be met promptly and reliably by their parents. When a child can trust that parents will meet his or her needs, the youngster feels secure enough to risk gradually experiencing feelings of frustration.

When, on the other hand, a child regularly feels and expresses normal childhood frustrations that are not met responsively by parents, the child develops fear response patterns. This child will become anxious, on guard, and preoccupied with his or her own needs and the immediate and aggressive behaviour, expression of them. efficient if This child finds the toleration of internal child.’ feelings of frustration very difficult indeed. The anxious, on-guard emotional posture of this child stops him or her from learning to tolerate frustrations. Instead, at the slightest feeling of frustration, this defensively alert child will attempt through misbehaviour to call attention to himself or herself. This kind of child also frequently develops misbehaviour and/or self-comforting habits to handle anxiety.

Parents can prevent or stop bad or disturbing behaviour by using diagnostic skills. This means parents will be effective with their child if they evaluate their child’s physical and psychological needs and drives throughout the day.

Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

By sensitively observing and diagnostically listening to their child, parents can determine the status of these dynamics. To use the diagnostic child-rearing approach, parents need to be familiar with the developmental characteristics and needs of childhood. Once familiar with them, parents can develop their skills at observing their child to determine which behaviour(s) of the youngster tend to reflect what underlying need(s).

Patterns of behaviour for each child can communicate to an informed and aware parent the relative well-being of that child’s underlying normal physical and psychosocial developmental needs.

By knowing the child’s way of reacting to certain types of stress, parents can properly interpret the child’s behaviour, identify the particular frustrated need, and act to relieve the stress for the child.

For example, suppose the parent knows the child’s uncooperative behaviour frequently is caused by the frustration of being hungry. Then, instead of punishing the child, the parent can diagnose the cause and feed the child. The food will reduce the frustration felt by the child and eliminate the uncooperative behaviour. Punishment would only add frustration to the already frustrated child. The child would remain hungry, and therefore continue to feel distressed. The frustration of being hungry and the many personal and interpersonal frustrations created by punishment would eventually make the child’s behaviour and parenting even more difficult. By knowing their child, parents can detect changes in behaviour and then diagnose and treat the causes(s).

A diagnostic approach to parenting has two guiding principles derived from the research on child development and childrearing: 1. All behaviour, good and bad, is caused by the status of a child’s underlying normal physical and psychosocial needs and drives.

2.

Rather than focusing attention on behaviour, parents can be far more effective and efficient if they anticipate the needs of their child. When misbehaviour does occur, parents should find the frustrated needs that caused the behaviour. When the child’s needs are fulfilled, the frustration felt by the child dissipates. Then the child most likely will behave well.

The following example shows how a mother and father learned to use this diagnostic approach to help their young

daughter.

The parents of a 5-½-year-old girl contacted me to talk about problems they were having with their child. In the last three or four months, they said, their daughter had changed dramatically. They told me that since infancy she had been interested, involved, decisive, spirited, and willful. She had made friends easily and was popular among her peers. When asked what she wanted to do on a Saturday afternoon, she would choose an activity and become involved in it. Now when asked the same question, she usually said, “I don’t care.” Her behaviour had changed. She did not have her former interest in life. She no longer demonstrated involvement in the activities that used to interest her. She had lost her spirit and vitality.

These parents told me their daughter also had lost the ability to cope with situations she had been able to handle competently by the time she was 4 year old. She did not have the peer friendships she once maintained. She had lost her social skills.

She no longer seemed able to take turns with her peers in play activities. During the last several months, this youngster always needed to be first or at the head of the line.

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anything happened that upset her, she would break down in tears rather than talk about the problem as she used to do. This child had lost her ability to cope effectively with a variety of frustrating situations. She had psychosocially regressed and no longer could emotionally or socially extend herself as she used to be able to do.

The parents also reported they recently had received a telephone call from their daughter’s kindergarten teacher.

The teacher said their child had become overly possessive and controlling of a classmate. The classmate was a young girl, physically smaller than their daughter. The two girls were friends. But their friendship was marred by the fact that their daughter frequently held onto the other girl’s hand and did not let her go. Their daughter often held her classmate and prevented the child’s free movement, play activities, and actions. The other child finally complained about this behaviour to her mother. The mother asked the teacher to intervene and protect her child’s freedom. The mother’s plea prompted the kindergarten teacher’s telephone call to these parents.

The parents contacted me and expressed worry, confusion, and a deep concern for their daughter’s welfare. What could they do to help their child? Why was she behaving in this lifeless and overly possessive way with her friend?

Because all behaviour is caused by the degree to which a child’s underlying physical and/or psychosocial normal needs are met, I began to ask the parent a series of questions about their daughter and her life. They told me their daughter, since conception, had physically developed normally. Except for typical childhood colds, she had been in good health.

The parental concern expressed by the mother and father, their apparent openness in the quest to help their daughter, and their tone of voice when talking with me or with each other indicated both were caring and intelligent people.

I asked questions to determine how these parents responded to their child’s normal and important need for a continuous and responsive emotional attachment to a primary caregiver in the first couple of years of life. The mother had cared for her daughter continuously since birth. This mother and father loved their child and appropriately nurtured her.

These parents described informed child-rearing attitudes and practices when their child began to express her normal willfulness at 1 ½ years of age. For example, they spoke about giving her choices. They had responded to her desire to be treated more ‘grown up’ by involving her in making appropriate decisions around the home.

These parents described their reactions to their child’s need to be more independent and involved with peers. When she was 3 years old, for example, they enrolled her part time in a preschool. And their youngster enjoyed the experience.

All child development and parenting seemed normal, loving, and constructive. What then could be causing their daughter’s current problem? Childhood behaviour carries messages that provide significant clues about its cause(s).

The daughter’s inordinate possessiveness and control of her kindergarten friend suggested to me that her behaviour might be motivated by a fear of loss. I therefore asked the parents if one of their child’s relatives had died in the last several years.

The answer was no. In fact, they knew of no one close to their child who had died.

Because loss and the fear of it can be motivated by experiences other than death, I asked the parents if they had

moved recently. They told me they had lived in the same location until their child was 4 ½ years old. Since then, they had moved twice.

The second move was when their daughter was just over 5 years old. Then the family settled into their current home, where they planned to stay. Their daughter, they said, seemed to take these moves well.

I wondered if this youngster missed her old house, yard, and room where she had lived for 4 ½ years. This seemed possible.

However, it did not explain the persistent control of her peer friend.

I went over in my mind the daughter’s two current unusual behavioural patterns: the possessive control of her kindergarten friend and her “I don’t care,” disengaged attitude about life. She was exhibiting both aggressive tendencies and also a passive and distrustful attitude. The research on child development makes clear that to risk investing their selfhood in new play experiences, learning, new friends, and the like, children first must develop trust that their investment will lead to positive outcomes.

I asked the parents if their daughter had any close friends before the first move, when she was 4½ years old. They remembered she had two childhood friends. They thought both friendships were important to their daughter.

This information gave me an idea about the possible cause of this child’s problems. I believed I could now make recommendations that—if my hypothesis were accurate—would solve the child’s behavioural and attitudinal problems.

I told the parents that when a young child loses a friend, the child experiences the loss very much as an adult does when a close friend dies. In both cases, there is sadness at the loss of someone to whom the individual was emotionally close. And in both cases, an accompanying anger develops because an important relationship has died and the survivor had no control over the loss. Anger and depression—an “I don’t care” attitude—can follow the death or loss of someone who has meant a lot to a person over the years. This can happen to young children if a close relationship has lasted only a year or two. When she was 4 ½, this girl was taken from her friends by her parents. She had no say in or control over the move. She could not prevent the loss of her friendships. This child’s recent controlling and possessive behaviour toward a kindergarten friend might be expressing her anger-fueled determination to maintain control now. This time she would not let her

friend leave. This might be the message her behaviour was communicating when she physically held onto her friend and directed her activities.

With the above as empirically supported hypotheses (solutions to the problems based on evidence), I suggested this mother and father telephone the parents of their daughter’s ‘lost’ friends. This mum and dad should explain the current situation to them and arrange for a variety of contacts between their daughter and her old friends. The important goal was to renew and continue the friendships their daughter missed and for which she was longing. For this child, these friendships had had great meaning.

The loss of them could have caused her to enter an angry depression. The parents agreed to this plan.

The mother and father called me several months later to say their daughter’s behaviour had begun to change for the better and her vitality had returned. They told me that when they first spoke to their daughter about contacting her two friends, she mentioned a third young friend she also wanted to see again. They described how their daughter was at first hesitant, even resistant to reestablishing her former friendships. This phase passed. Now she enjoyed speaking to her old friends on the telephone and visiting and playing with them again.

The mother told me that, as a result of the renewed contacts, the parents of her daughter’s friends reported observing an improvement in their own children’s behaviour. The other children had been missing the friend who moved away.

I have spoken with these parents several times. The old child-to-child friendships have been renewed, enlivened, and enriched. Their daughter is back to her own self again. And she is making new friends.

The “I don’t care” attitude and possessive control of friends no longer exist.

The child-rearing dilemma and resolution described here illustrate how important it is for parents to understand the normal developmental needs of children.

When parents can empathise with their child by seeing life experiences from their child’s point of view, they can develop effective diagnostic skills. Using these diagnostic skills, they are able to prevent and resolve behaviour problems of all types.

Dr. Peter Ernest Haiman has resolved child and adolescent rearing problems for over four decades. He also created and directed the privately funded Parent and Child Centre in Cleveland, USA

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Bedsharing:

What Does The Community Want?

What Do Parents Need To Know?

Every parent wants to do what is best for their child. However, when there is conflicting information, parents get confused about what is best. Dr Cathy Fetherston helps clear the confusion with the conflicting information on the topic of bedsharing

Photo: Depositphotos

The

topic of bedsharing evidence that many parents are not practices regarding bedsharing was also with your baby is often disclosing, to either their friends or their seen in the responses from Child and in the news. In one report a public official health care providers, many aspects Community Health Nurses, who felt or researcher will tell you bedsharing related to the realities of their lives as a the directive did not reflect the reality is an inherently dangerous activity, parent, including bedsharing. of their workplaces. The health workers never to be undertaken if you are to A survey by a parenting website believed the directive was less than keep your baby safe from the risk of ‘Netmums’ found around a third of helpful in responding to women who sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). 11,000 mums surveyed admitted to lying intended to bedshare and only succeeded Yet another will counteract this with about various aspects of their infant’s in shutting down communications with claims that bedsharing is ‘natural’ and sleep due to the pressures to be seen the family groups they worked with and can be a safe sleeping environment for as a ‘perfect parent’.3 The things they who needed their support.4 your baby if known risks are removed. reported lying about included sleep and Public health policy against Understandably the community then wake times and when their baby first bedsharing was first introduced in an asks “who should we believe?” and slept through the night. It is also likely attempt to reduce the risk of infant death “what should we do?” then, that with current pressures from during sleep. There is no doubt that It’s difficult to know exactly how health care providers not to bedshare infant death during sleep is a serious many parents do sleep with their with your baby, many more parents will issue that does require public health babies. Past research tells us it is a also lie about whether they bedshare. strategies to minimise its occurrence. common practice across many Since the introduction ‘Bedsharing and breastfeeding have been different cultures and of the ‘Back to shown to be closely linked, with research showing Sleep’ campaign in countries with around that mothers who bedshare early and for longer 1991 there has been 50 to 80% of babies are more likely to succeed at breastfeeding’ a significant reduction sharing the parental bed at some time.1 Such high rates of Evidence of non-disclosure in infant death rates of nearly 75%.6 bedsharing are understandable. For of bedsharing is seen in a report4 This dramatic fall was observed in many families bedsharing is an essential undertaken to assess the implementation both infants sleeping in cots alone and nighttime parenting strategy that makes of the West Australian Health those sharing a bed with their carer. breastfeeding easier and assists with Department’s operational directive, However the rate of bedsharing deaths settling and maternal rest. For many it which advises against bedsharing. This did not fall to the same degree as those is also a cultural norm that is intricately directive requires health care providers amongst babies sleeping in cots.7 This bound to the notion of what it is to be to “not recommend bedsharing/ led researchers to identify further risk a mother whose role is to nurture her cosleeping on discharge from a hospital factors associated with bedsharing. baby.2 or health service in the first 3 months of These included parental smoking, However with recent public health life”.5 Accordingly, mothers in the study alcohol and substance use, bedding policies discouraging bedsharing when first asked, denied ever bedsharing. that was soft and increased the risk of in countries such as Australia, New Although interestingly, more than 50% overheating, sharing a bed with siblings Zealand and the USA it is becoming of these mothers later reported during and pets, falling asleep with your baby clear that, rather than the practice interview that they had slept with their on a sofa or armchair and sleeping with decreasing, bedsharing may be ‘going baby at least once. The reticence of premature and very low birth weight underground’. In fact there is already mothers to communicate their normal infants.8 www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Mummy (Hanna) and Charley

Mummy (Haley) and Ciarna

“it was not clear whether public health strategies should advise against bedsharing in general or just particular hazardous circumstances in which bedsharing occurs”9

Daddy (Stephen) and Bonnie

Daddy (David) and Jasmine Please note that some of these reader photos do not comply with the safe co-sleeping guidelines. Please refer to the textbox “Minimising SIDS Risk.

Some will say the policies we now see against any bedsharing are well supported, particularly by two recent analyses of existing research studies. These studies reported an inherent risk of SIDS for babies under 3 months of age who were bedsharing, even when the other known risks were accounted for.9,10 Although these analyses assisted in confirming known hazardous circumstances associated with bedsharing there were limitations associated with the finding that bedsharing under the age of 3 months was inherently unsafe. In fact these limitations even resulted in a statement by one of the authors, saying:

Mummy (Caren) and Nathaniel

Despite this, many government health authorities continue to implement policies that advise parents against any bedsharing.

This is in preference to simply informing parents of the known risk factors associated with bedsharing and allowing them to make their own decisions regarding this parental practice. Some people in the community may ask - is a policy that advises against bedsharing such a bad thing if it helps to reduce the number of infant deaths occurring during sleep? To answer this it is important to understand what we know about the practice of bedsharing and its impact on the health of mothers and their babies.

Research has shown many advantages associated with a breastfeeding mother bedsharing with her baby. Physiologically these babies have fewer pauses in breathing

and more stable temperatures, oxygen saturations and heart rhythms compared to babies who sleep alone.1 Breastfed babies who bedshare also naturally tend to lie on their backs (which is known to be protective of SIDS) with their mothers instinctively cocooning them and protecting them from bedcovers. There are also significantly more non-feeding interactions between the baby and mother, increasing the awareness of the mother to her baby’s needs.2 Bedsharing and breastfeeding have been shown to be closely linked, with research showing that mothers who bedshare early and for longer are more likely to succeed at breastfeeding.11 This is important because the longer a mother breastfeeds the more protection both she and her baby have against certain illnesses throughout their lives. Importantly we also know that research has shown breastfeeding has a direct protective effect against SIDS. Any breastfeeding reduces the risk for SIDS by half and this level of protection increases for babies whose breastfeeding duration is more than 8 weeks.12 The importance of this finding has been acknowledged by SIDS and Kids who have now implemented a 6th step in their campaign in the prevention of SIDS, and that is: Breastfeed Baby.

The relationship between breastfeeding, bedsharing and the prevention of SIDS has also been highlighted in a study from Bradford in the UK.13 This study found babies of Pakistani women were more likely to breastfeed to 8 weeks and to also bedshare in the parental bed than their white British counterparts, who were more likely to smoke, consume alcohol and sofa

Minimising SIDS Risk

Mummy (Bree) and Phoenix

Mummy (Jamie) and Harrison

Mothers who choose to share a bed with their baby can minimise the risks associated with SIDS if they: • Breastfeed Baby • Sleep baby on their back on a firm mattress • Sleep baby with head and face uncovered, away from pillows and soft quilts • An infant sleeping bag that is the correct size for baby with a fitted neck, arm holes or sleeves and no hood is a safe and effective way of allowing for duvets and quilts to be held away from baby’s head and face • Avoid smoking and avoid exposure of baby to tobacco smoke from others • Avoid alcohol, illicit drugs and medications that may be sedating (applies to both parents) • Avoid having siblings and pets in the bed • Avoid falling asleep with baby on a sofa or armchair • Ensure your baby’s other carers are aware of these risk minimisation strategies The safest place for premature and low birth weight babies is in a cot by the side of the bed.

44 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

share while sleeping. The white British families had SIDS rates that were 4 times higher than that of the Pakistani community living in Bradford. In light of this, one has to ask why would we not celebrate the parental practices of the Pakistani mothers who breastfeed and bedshare in a low risk environment, rather than penalize them by implementing a policy that advises them against any bedsharing?

The complicated relationship between bedsharing and successful breastfeeding means that by advising against any bedsharing it is possible we may be endangering the success of breastfeeding and consequently the protection it has against infant illness and death. In addition to this, removal of such a commonplace nighttime strategy with little thought to its impact or what we might advise to replace it, also presents new dilemmas for parents and health care providers charged with their support.

So what do parents and the community want in relation to bedsharing advice? Well from the evidence it seems bedsharing is biologically and sociologically hardwired into many mothers and babies and this age old night-time parenting strategy

References

1. McKenna JJ, Ball HL, Gettler LT (2007), Mother–infant cosleeping, breastfeeding and sudden infant death syndrome: What biological anthropology has discovered about normal infant sleep and pediatric sleep medicine. American Journal of Physical Anthropology 134(S45): 133-161. doi: 10.1002/ajpa.20736 2. Volpe LE, Ball HL, Mckenna JJ (2013), Nighttime parenting strategies and sleep related risks to infants. Social Science and Medicine 79: 92100 3. Coughlan S (2012), Mothers admit to parenting lies, Netmum survey says. BBC News Education & Family http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/ education-12192050 4. Dodd J (2012), Evaluation of the Department of Health Western Australia Operational Directive Statewide Co-Sleeping/Bed-Sharing Policy for WA Health Hospitals and Health Services Collaboration for Applied Research and Evaluation: Telethon Institute for Child Health Research under contract with the Department of Health, Western Australia.

5. Department of Health WA (DoHWA) (2008), Operational Directive: Statewide co-sleeping/bed-sharing policy for WA health hospitals and health services. ( OD 0139/08). Perth, WA: Government of Western Australia Retrieved from http://www.health.wa.gov.au/circularsnew/ circular.cfm?Circ_ID=12410.

6. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (2005), A picture of Australia’s children (AIHW cat.no. PHE 58). Canberra AIHW. 7. Blair PS, Ward Platt MP, Smith A, Fleming PJ CESDI SUDE Research Group (2006), Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and the time of death: factors associated with night-time and day-time deaths. International Journal of Epidemiology 35: 1563-1569.

8. Blair PS, Sidebotham P, Evason-Coombe C, Edmonds M, HeckstallSmith, EMA, Fleming, P (2009) Hazardous cosleeping environments and risk factors amenable to change: case-control study of SIDS in south west England. BMJ 339(Oct13 1): b3666-b3666. doi: 10.1136/ bmj.b3666 9. Vennemann MM, Hense HW, Bajanowski T, Blair PS, Complojer C, Moon RY, Kiechl-Kohlendorfer U (2012), Bed Sharing and the Risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome: Can We Resolve the Debate? Journal of Pediatrics 160(1): 44-48 e42. doi: 10.1016/j.jpeds.2011.06.052 10. Carpenter R, McGarvey C, Mitchell EA, Tappin DM, Vennemann MM, Smuk M, Carpenter JR (2013), Bed sharing when parents do not smoke: is there a risk of SIDS? An individual level analysis of five major case-control studies. BMJ Open 2013;3:5 e002299 doi:10.1136/ bmjopen-2012-002299 11. Blair PS, Heron J, Fleming, P (2010), Relationship between bed sharing and breastfeeding: longitudinal, population-based analysis. Pediatrics 126(5): e1119-e1126.

12. Hauck F, Tanabe K (2008), International trends in sudden infant death syndrome: stabilization of rates requires further action. Pediatrics 122(3): 660-666.

13. Ball HL, Moya E, Fairley L, Westman J, Oddie S, Wright J (2012), Bedand Sofa-Sharing Practices in a UK Biethnic Population. Pediatrics 129(3): e673-681.

continues to be practised despite campaigns warning against it. Only now parents do it without talking about it for fear of censure, either from their friends and family or their health care providers. This means we are failing mothers in providing them with the support and reassurance they need on the difficult road that is parenting. An important part of assisting parents to make well considered choices that suit their own lives should include information about how bedsharing can be undertaken safely, if this is what parents want to do.

Whenever your baby is sleeping, night or day, provide a safe sleeping environment: • safe cot; • safe mattress; • safe and clean bedding; and • a safe sleeping place.

The safest place for baby to sleep is within sensory range of their carer, which means at night the baby should be sleeping in the same room.

For evidence-based information on normal and safe infant sleep, see ISIS, the Infant Sleep Information Source: http://www.isisonline.org.uk/ For a more detailed discussion on the issues surrounding public health policy on bedsharing please see the original article: Fetherston, C., Leach, J., (2012), Analysis of the ethical issues in the breastfeeding and bedsharing debate., Breastfeeding Review, 20, 3, pages 7 - 17.

Dr Cathy Fetherston is an Associate Professor at Murdoch University and Head of Nursing and Midwifery, Associate Dean Learning and Teaching, School of Health Professions. She has particular interest in breastfeeding, lactation and women and infant’s health (http://profiles.murdoch.edu.au/myprofile/catherine-fetherston/)

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Rethinking ‘Sleep Problems’ Becoming a new mum raises many challenges ~ Sleep, or lack of, is one of the biggest! However, sometimes we can feel better simply by changing our thoughts about it. Meg Nagle, IBCLC, looks at ways that we can change our thoughts to ensure we get the rest we require

Why

Yes, you can train your baby to sleep won’t my baby sleep? look at Facebook (unless it is How can I get my longer and sleep by themselves if you my page of course!). SLEEP! So baby to sleep longer? Why is my baby leave them to cry and practice ‘sleep simple but so very important. waking so much? Will I always have to training’ or the ‘cry it out’ method.

Even if you cannot fall asleep, just breastfeed him to sleep? Why will he However, there is a great body of lay there with your eyes closed. only stay asleep when I hold him in the research which shows just how stressful You do not have to be sleeping to it is for babies who are left to cry.1 baby carrier? be resting.

Remember what it was like way Interestingly, even after the babies stop • Hire a mother’s helper to come back in the day when it was awesome crying, their stress hormones (cortisol) during the day so you can get and exciting to stay up all night? After are still high. Thankfully there is another twenty minutes of shut eye. Put having a baby our attitude about late answer! We focus so much on our babies an ad in your local newspaper nights change just a bit! As new mums sleeping that we lose sight of the things and find a mother’s helper who we can feel so overwhelmed and we that we are capable of changing to keep loves babies and will charge next are bombarded with various to nothing to just hold your ‘most of the time just changing my advice (usually about sleep thought patterns and how I am thinking baby or play with your and breastfeeding), much of about the situation can really change my toddler or older children which has us going against while you take a short nap. feelings about it.’ our motherly instincts. But what • Go to bed when your baby goes if we were able to change the way we us less tired and have increased energy to bed. This might mean putting think about babies and sleep? Instead throughout the day and night. older children to bed earlier as As a mum to three boys and still of focusing on the negative (such as the well. Put them to bed early or “why… why… why” questions focused breastfeeding my youngest, I understand with a book if they can read and on our baby) focus on the positive and extreme tiredness! I get cranky and everyone go to sleep. Have a big yourself, focus on what you can change! exhausted! I complain to my husband! I sleeping party together on the It is not only normal for babies and cry! I feel as though I might go insane floor if you need to! toddlers who are breastfeed on demand from lack of sleep at times! Yet most to wake frequently and breastfeed, but I of the time just changing my thought 2. Instead of, “ Why is my baby waking am actually surprised if I come across a patterns and how I am thinking about so much?” (which is completely woman who has a baby or toddler who the situation can really change my normal) Try- “Who is available to sleeps well at night! Instead of partying feelings about it. We are so focused on come over for a couple of hours to all night we are breastfeeding all night, the night that we forget all of the things help me today?” we might be able to do during the day. this is motherhood.

• It is normal for babies and So, to change your thinking, try Try this on for size... toddlers to have nights where asking yourself these questions instead: they wake very frequently.

What can I do to get more sleep? 1. Instead of, “Why won’t my baby This could be due to teething, sleep?” Try- “What can I do to get Who is available to come over for a going through a developmental more sleep?” couple of hours to help me today? What milestone, growth spurt, general • Sleep when your baby sleeps can I leave until tomorrow? What can I crankiness, getting sick etc. during the day. Do not do laundry reschedule today so I don’t have to leave When your baby has a night or cleaning or watching TV or the house? like this then see if you can find

46 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Photo: Deposit Photos

a family member, friend or hire a mother’s helper to come over. If you can afford it, hire someone to come in and clean once a week or every two weeks. It may also help you feel better knowing that there is research which suggests that frequent waking to breastfeed is a protective factor against SIDS.2 • Find a friend who is happy to alternate coming over to each other’s houses. While they are watching your baby and/or children you can rest. Then the next time you go over to her house and do the same when she is tired.

3. Instead of, “Will I ALWAYS have to breastfeed him to sleep?” Try, “What am I wanting to do that is making me feel this is a chore or burden?”

• Breastmilk has components to relax your baby and help them fall asleep. Your baby is made to fall asleep at your breast and almost every baby will do this. It’s also great for us! We do not have to rock or sing or pat our babies to sleep and pretty much wherever we go, we can bring

them along and just breastfeed them to sleep! Yay! It’s a lifesaver at times. Go with it and follow the lead of your baby. These times with them, although exhausting sometimes (believe me, I know! Sometimes the last thing I want to do is breastfeed my baby to sleep at the end of a long day) are precious and do not last long.

• If I am annoyed that I have to breastfeed my baby to sleep at night it is almost always because there is something I would rather be doing, or something I really have to be doing. Cleaning the kitchen, watching a movie with my husband, reading to my other children, or just doing nothing! Ha! What a crazy idea! If I can change my thinking though, then I can appreciate the needs of my baby at that time and stop being so obsessed with what it is that I have to do at that moment. The kitchen can wait, I can fall asleep next to my husband on the couch if I have to (at least we will be together!) and I can read to my children tomorrow.

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In this sense SleepTalk™ shares many parallels with a well-recognised psychological therapeutic approach known as self-instruction or selfverbalisation.”

4. Instead of,” How can I get my baby to sleep longer?” Try- “What can I leave until tomorrow?”

• It is completely normal for babies to take short naps sometimes and only want to be held while sleeping. You might want to invest in a comfortable baby carrier that you can carry your baby in while they sleep. Although this will not be ideal every day for you, there will be days where this is your magical answer. I can get many things done around the house this way and although he is thirteen months old, I am still able to carry him around comfortably on my back. I can also sit down and work at the computer with him on my back.

• Let go a bit of the ‘ultimate mum’ thing. We all have to let some stuff go when we are tired. The house might get a bit messy, your legs might not get shaved for a month and you have to eat your lunch standing for two weeks in a row… but it does get easier! I promise!

• You cannot do it all, all at once.

You cannot bake paleo muffins, make homemade soap and a DIY bookshelf you found on Pinterest all within the same day. It can wait until you are less sleep derived!

And think ‘easy dinners!’ this will save your sanity too.

THREE KEY POINTS:

1. Get support;

2. Wait as long as possible before returning to work; and 3. Find the sleeping arrangement that works for you to get more sleep ~ whether it is co-sleeping, bed-sharing or your child being in their own room.

We are all in this together. Let’s support each other! It’s all about building community support.

Most important: Ask for help when you need it! Especially if you feel as though you are feeling so overwhelmed that you cannot care for your baby or you are feeling depressed.

References

1. For example, see Middlemiss, W (2012) Asynchrony of mother–infant hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis activity following extinction of infant crying responses induced during the transition to sleep. Early Human Development: 88:4.

2. McKenna JJ, Ball HL, Gettler LT (2007), Mother–infant cosleeping, breastfeeding and sudden infant death syndrome: What biological anthropology has discovered about normal infant sleep and pediatric sleep medicine. American Journal of Physical Anthropology 134(S45): 133-161.

Meg Nagle is a mum of three breastfed boys (still feeding my youngest!). She has been helping women and their families for eight years, first as a breastfeeding counsellor and now in private practice as an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant.

For more information go to: www.themilkmeg.com

Alex Bartsch, BA (Hons) Psychology, Director Zenith Professional Development, (Corporate psychology consultant and former Victoria Police Homicide Squad Detective).

“I have used the SleepTalk™ process for over 20 years. This is not a therapy and does not involve taking medications – just a common-sense approach to parenting.”

Cherie de Hass, Fellow, Australian Natural Therapies Association, TV Presenter ‘Healthy Wealthy and Wise, Naturopath, Author and Media Writer.

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48 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Tandem Art-Making Does your little Rembrandt look for every opportunity to colour on the furniture? Has your teeny Michelangelo taken to decorating your walls like the Sistine Chapel? This activity will help channel your mini Picasso’s talent into art you can keep and not have to clean up or paint over!

Taking the opportunity to do art together will allow your child to enjoy the creative process and relish in your attention at the same time!

Supplies:

• Poster Paints, Water Colors, or Tempera Paints and paintbrushes, markers, crayons, or chalks • An inexpensive canvas or art paper for each person that is participating (easily found at a craft store) • A snack, comfortable, weather appropriate clothes, and a portable music player • Leave your own self-consciousness and expectations/ worries about your artistic ability at the door!

• Your love and your imaginations!

What Now:

Each of you will interpret the scene into your own piece of art on your own canvas. Tell your child that as you each draw and paint you will get the opportunity to see the subject through each other’s eyes. Participating in the project together is so much fun and it gives you the chance to engage in the process without trying to direct your child’s piece too closely (a problem I always have!).

Find a lovely spot in your backyard, in a nearby park or even in your home with a focal point rich in colour and interest which you and your child can paint (or draw) together. Each of you will have your own canvas. Look around and survey the surroundings. Ask your child to choose the subject of the paintings; whether it is the flower arrangement on your table, a garden statue or a fountain in the park.

Once your child has chosen the subject, dive in! Don’t be afraid to put that first brush stroke or pencil line down on the paper, just do it! This project gives you the opportunity to demonstrate, for your child, how much fun and abandon you can have when creating art. Whether or not you are an artist yourself does not matter - art is about the process and the enjoyment as much as the result.

At the end, take a photo of the completed projects lined up together in front of the real subject. The varied result between your and your child’s piece and the real-life subject is a huge part of the fun! When we did this project, three of us painted the same fountain from the same perspective. My nephew, an art major, painted a pink and purple oil abstract. I painted a picturesque naturalistic oil representation. My seven year old daughter painted an expressive water color. The line-up of the paintings was beautiful art in itself (see photo)!

Even young children have fun interpreting a scene into art, we may not see a literal representation of the petals of a flower, but we can ask them to describe what they are drawing or painting as they go, or explain what we are looking at afterward.

Children delight in explaining their art to their parents – they love to share their passion, pointing out the intricacies of what they drew and all the details they put into their work.

Your delight in their work will make them feel so special in return! And who knows, you may just spark a lifetime passion for art!

I would love to see photos of your projects. Please email them to me at info@withmychildseries.com Emily Filmore has written a number of books focusing on bonding with your child. You can save 20% off these books if you purchase from www.withmychild.com/nurture

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Positive Birth Birth is something that is either loved or hated by those that have been there. Sadly however, most of the stories people hear are all about the negative experiences. Keean Manktelow takes us on a journey to discover how you can have a positive birth

Walk

up with? If it was negative then you are like many others in our society. How has it got to this? How have we come to view birth as painful, dangerous, something to fear, when really it is a natural process: the wonderful end to the process of pregnancy, of nurturing a baby in the womb?

So, back to my original question: is this helpful, to anyone? No! Viewing birth in a negative and fearful light is not healthy: for us, our daughters and society. But this thought process is ingrained. From birth right through to the time you have a baby.

Many people are likely to have a traumatic birth, for instance being born by caesarean, instrumental (forceps, suction) means, or coming into the world drugged (by mother’s pain relief). In the UK the caesarean rate is approximately 24% and these rates have been rising over the years. Rates in other countries are as high as 50%. In England the approximate rate for instrumental deliveries is 12.5%

and for inductions 21.3%. Pain relief in the form of medication is a norm within hospitals, with most people opting for some form: 86% of women in the USA are given some form of drug.

So that’s the first negative story.

Then, throughout childhood as well as adulthood, we are confronted with shock stories in the news, television, magazines and even fictional stories and programmes. If this is not enough, our own mothers or other women who are close to us will delight in giving you ‘the facts’ about birth: their frightening birth stories. And this has been the case for decades: Grantly Dick-Read in 1949, discussed issues that are still pertinent today, despite the supposed advances in medical science. In one particular chapter he writes about influences on pregnant women and unfortunately all of these influences still apply today: women are still influenced by horror stories in the press and fiction; they are still influenced negatively by other

Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

into a room full of women talking about motherhood and the conversation inevitably steers toward birth. Sadly pain, trauma and fear usually plays the starring role. No one ever seems to tell you their uncomplicated, yet inspiring, birth story. But, is this helpful for women to hear, particularly women who have never given birth?

Grantly Dick-Read in his influential book Childbirth Without Fear (1949) felt that women who have previously had babies or been involved in childbirth are influential in forming a woman’s view of childbirth.

Ask the women in that room why they opted or will opt for a hospital birth you may likely get the answer, “Just in case something goes wrong.”

What makes us automatically assume something natural will go wrong? The answer, at least in part, is to do with fear.

Here’s a little quiz: Birth is____. Now you fill in the blank. What did you come

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| 51

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What else do the statistics tell us? More women are going through difficult births, which can lead to trauma for both mother and child. There is evidence that birth trauma can lead to Post-Natal Depression in mothers and it can have repercussions for babies throughout their lives. Laura Kaplan Shanley devotes an entire chapter in her book Unassisted Childbirth (2012) discussing the effects of traumatic births on parents and children.

The statistics also tell us that people have less trust in their innate ability to birth naturally and with little or no interventions of the medical kind. Home births are as low as 0.5% in Australia (2013: Australia’s Mothers and Babies), although it is on the increase. For many women a hospital birth is the first place they think of when considering giving birth.

What about pain in labour? Not all women feel pain in childbirth: some in fact, orgasm during it. Of course, many more do feel pain: but why?

One theory is mindset: some women – often with the help of various techniques, including hypnosis, water-birth, meditation or positive affirmations – release their fear of birthing. Fear is what controls this pain, or at least, makes it unbearable, as both Grantly Dick-Read and Laura Kaplan Shanley believe. If we come to view birth as a positive and wonderful experience we will not be fearful of it and, in turn, will not produce excessive tension within the uterus during labour. This excessive tension of the uterus causes pain, or more pain depending on the individual experiencing it, due to opposing muscle activity causing tension and decreased blood flow meaning the organ does not work as efficiently.

Fear is a fight or flight response, directing our blood to essential organs to deal with the situation (like our legs) and directing it away from non-essential organs (like our uterus). If this happens in a labouring woman her uterus will not function effectively: changing childbirth into something ‘painful and difficult’ (Shanley, 2012).

Another view is that some pain is normal during birth as it guides us to whether we are in labour and how far along we are. In other words it is purposeful. But fear and medical interventions make this pain much worse.

Either way, if we let go of our fear of pain – stop focusing on it – we will be able to view the experience of birth with positivity and look at the bigger picture – the reason why we are giving birth to begin with – the child that we get to hold afterwards.

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53

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It appears most of society views birth as dangerous, needing to be controlled by medical intervention and inherently painful.

Women who try to voice their own positive birth stories, with no pain, often get scoffed at, disbelieved; these negative emotions are so deeply entrenched. But we can change this.

So what can we do to help us enjoy our birthing experience?

How can we take back the sacred beauty of birth and view it positively?

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For women who have been through a traumatic birth (including their own) and need to talk about it, instead of perpetuating the belief that labour is dangerous and to be feared, for others, go to a counsellor or find some other way to heal. Counsellors can help you heal and deal with these issues, for yourself, for your child and ultimately for society.

You could try rebirthing, if your own birth was a traumatic one. Here you will explore your own birth, deal with repressed emotions and imagine the birth you wish you had. Laura Kaplan Shanley discusses rebirthing in her book; either by going to see a rebirthing practitioner or doing it yourself.

MAKE A NEW PROMISE:

Choose not to listen to the negative stories. Switch off the TV; close the book; ignore the article: only let positive birth stories into your psyche. This may be hard, surrounded by negativity as we are, but there are other people out there who view birth in a more positive and beautiful light. Seek these people out: their books, birth stories, websites, or even themselves.

BE INFORMED:

Rebirthing/Breathwork is a safe simple breathing technique.

When used with a qualified practitioner, it allows the body to release held memory and emotions. Release is especially useful for ʻletting goʼ of past birth memories that can be transferred to the next generation.

Freedom from the past is empowering for mother and child at the time of birth.

Bronwyn Barter is the principle of Rebirther Training Australia. She has been training Rebirthers in South Australia and Victoria for more than 20 years. Bronwyn has been a practising Rebirther for more than 22 years.

She is internationally recognised in her field and is considered by many of her students and clients to be a master and a mentor.

For consultations or trainings contact Bronwyn Barter, Rebirther Training Australia www.rebirthertrainingaustralia.com.au or 08 8260 2086

54 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Forget about asking your friends to tell you their personal birth story, instead find out the facts – The process of labour and birth (i.e. hormones involved, different positions you can try to stay comfortable). If you are informed the fear of the unknown can decrease dramatically and help you understand the strange feelings you may experience during your own labour and know what is happening to your baby during the process.

LEARN ABOUT POSITIVE BIRTHING:

Find out about home-birth; water-birth; hypno-birth; aromatherapy during labour; Doula services; private midwifery services; freebirth; meditation; lotus birth; anything that

catches your interest so that you can be as informed as possible on your choices.

Remember this is your body: you have a right to do what feels right to you.

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People you feel comfortable with and trust implicitly are essential. You need to trust that they know your wishes and will act on them, no questions asked. You need to know that they feel positively about birth. Don’t let fear into the birthing room, even if it is from someone else: their feelings will rub off on you.

This includes doctors or midwives, if you choose to have them there. Grantly Dick-Read believed that if doctors and midwives had no confidence in natural childbirth and felt apprehensive about it they would have difficulty eliminating fear in the pregnant woman. He also discusses the power of suggestion to a labouring woman in his book. If pain is suggested through the atmosphere of the room, by doctors, midwives and relations, it will aid the woman in feeling pain.

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THINK POSITIVELY:

Birth is_____. Let this become a positive statement! Positive affirmations have been found to assist people in changing their negative views to positive ones. Laura Kaplan Shanley believes we can change our views on birth through belief, visualisation and faith: belief in the birth you want using daily affirmations; visualising the birth you want; having faith by ‘trusting in the natural workings of the body’ (Shanley 2012).

We are doing this not only for ourselves, but for our children, so that they can be born into this world beautifully; what better start to life?

Not only for our children, but for other women, so that they may see a positive view of birth, amongst all the negativity surrounding them.

One more time: birth is:

joyous – painless – natural – exciting – inspiring – powerful – beautiful!

Keean Manktelow is a freelance writer specialising in natural living. She lives with her daughter and husband and has another child on the way

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MamaBake:

The Mothers Revolution Being a wife and mother can be hard work ~ especially with the additional pressures we place upon ourselves. Michelle Shearer, founder of MamaBake, shows how some of the pressure can be allieveated by starting up our own baking community

As mothers we are often doing everything: we are caring for our children, we might be in the paid workforce and still in today’s age of equality we continue to shoulder the lion share of the domestics (I think they left mothers off the list when they started evaluating equality…). And whilst we tick along feeling blessed and joyful, there comes a point where we can burn out - only when we burn out … oh wait, actually we can’t burn out…

One thing has been forgotten in modern mothering times and that’s community and if there is one time we really need community it is when we have children.

But what does that look like today? What does that mean anymore? For mothers, we need to redefine community to be something that is there every day, helping us not hindering us with extra to-dos and more people to look after. For mothers, community needs to support us and free us up from the domestic grind so we can put our mind to greater worldy matters (if we choose).

Mother’s groups are wonderful and help bond mothers with friendships but they need to evolve more, then need to take a more courageous step. And this is where MamaBake comes in. Women get together in one another’s home maybe once a week/fortnight (whatever is easiest for the women) and cook together. They cook one big batch together then share the meal out amongst themselves so each goes home with a selection of meals done for the week. The kids are taken care of, the women cook; aint nothing like rolling up your sleeves and getting neck deep in flour and eggs to break through the initial ice and build trust. Long lasting friendships are formed, groups evolve into helping one another with other things like childcare, moving house working bees, general life support, dropping meals off when one of their own is sick. This movement makes sense, it is simple, it works, it frees mothers up. It is what we need.

HOW DO YOU START YOUR OWN MAMABAKE GROUP?

The one thing to remember is that MamaBake exists to make Mothers’ lives simpler.

We found it best to not over think things like meal costs (it all works out in the end), meal portions (cook one thing that you are confident with and make the biggest batch you can).

Photos: Life Itself Photography

1. Pick a date, invite at least one other friend over.

2. Cook a big batch meal each - if you have a small kitchen, ask one of the MamaBakers to cook before she comes - that way she can read to the kids while you all cook or make tea for you all etc.

3. At the end of the session (allow about 3-4 hours), divide the meals out amongst you (you will need take away containers) and away you go! Dinner done for a few nights leaving you to do something else. ..and that really is it. The movement has grown in leaps and bounds as women across the world have tried it (not believing how simple it is) and seen how it affects their lives so much for the better. MamaBake is simply good old fashioned common sense. www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Using Herbs through Pregnancy, Birth and Postpartum In this two part series, Naturopath, Childbirth Educator and Doula, Kristin Beckedahl explains how herbal medicines can be used as safe and effective remedies throughout the transition to motherhood. Part One looks at the herbal medicines that are effective during pregnancy

Herbal

medicine has world without exception. The World best. In contrast, pharmaceutical been part of Health Organisation has estimated that preparations often mask symptoms my life for as long as I can remember. around 80% of the world’s population or offer temporary solutions, rarely Growing up through the seventies and still use the services of herbalists for addressing the underlying imbalance or eighties as the New Age subculture was the treatment of ill-health. Despite dysfunction. Using herbs to treat some spreading its wings has in hindsight, the plethora of different approaches, of the common ailments of pregnancy left a lasting impression. As a young four great traditional systems of herbal and postpartum can be both a safe, and child I loved to sip on freshly brewed medicine can be identified which effective choice.

Chamomile and Catnip tea with incorporate the majority of people in the my mother before bed; delightfully world. They are Ayurveda, Unani/Tibb, USING HERBS DURING squeezed the inner gel from the Aloe Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) PREGNANCY Vera plant for sunburn - on more and its derivatives, and Western Herbal There are a range of herbs that may be than one occasion; and can remember Medicine. The latter comprises the safely used in pregnancy. Practitioners wrapping the thick, broad leaves of the majority of my own clinics dispensary classify these herbs as tonics, relaxants, Comfrey plant around my ankle as a and will be the focus of this article. anti-spasmodics, haemostatics, Herbs also have a long history of mild diuretics, nervines and partuspoultice after a rollerskating sprain! On our family bookshelves were the now use during pregnancy, around labour, preparators. Most of the herbs also classics; Hygieia: A Woman’s Herbal birth, the early days of postpartum, as provide various trace minerals, vitamins (1979) by Jeannine Parvati and compounds such ‘Herbs, like most natural and complementary as chlorophyll and and Derek LlewellynJones’ Everywoman systems work by balancing the body; restoring the beneficial alkaloids. equilibrium so it can function at its best.’

(1978). These sat A favourite within alongside my mother’s midwifery well as breastfeeding. They have been my practice, and one of the easiest texts including an earlier edition of the traditional medicines of midwives and safest way to use herbs during the popular Mayes’ Midwifery - 10th for as long as we have recorded history. pregnancy is infusions (tea). To ensure edition, 1984. And so began my life-long Throughout history the midwife was optimal benefit and safety, check the love affair with herbal medicine. It took often also the community healer, well source of the herbs is reliable and me through my Naturopathy studies at versed in the ‘wise woman’ herbal lore of preferably organic, and do not exceed university in 1995 to where I am today, her region, and used herbal medicines the recommended dosage. If you are blessed to be working within a field I feel to support her work. It is only in the unsure of recommended dosage or have so passionately about. Whilst at home, last 25 years or so, that we have come limited access to herbs to create your I relish in sharing the wonders of these to discover and understand the science own teas, consider using specifically behind these herbs efficacy, and we blended and pre-measured herbal teas. potent remedies with my own children.

Even today I am still captivated can now offer explanations for their Making a herbal infusion is similar by the history, folklore and the application within pharmacognosy and to making a pot of tea using the loose, incredibly diverse applications of herbal clinical phytotherapy . dried herbs. A good rule of thumb is for Herbs, like most natural and every 2 tablespoons (30gms) of herb/s, medicines. This was our first medicine, practised without one laboratory study complementary systems work by pour on 500-600ml of boiling water. or clinical trial in sight and is still balancing the body; restoring the Let it steep for at least 15 minutes to get practised today in every country of the equilibrium so it can function at its the full benefit of the active ingredients

58 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Photos: BirthWise BodyWise

from the herbs, then strain and drink. If required a little honey may be added for taste. You can make a fresh brew every 24 hours and drink 2 - 3 cups throughout the day; warm or cooled. This amount keeps you within the safety range when self-dosing. To reheat, you can just add a little boiling water - do not microwave your herbal tea. You will notice many herbal teas use the dried, upper parts of the plant (e.g. stems, leaves, flowers) as these have a greater therapeutic affinity for infusions. Try some or a blend, of these herbs as part of your complementary therapy approach to those common ailments during pregnancy. Or if you are feeling well, they can also be used daily as nutritive tonics. They also make a great substitute for caffeine-laden coffee and tea.

The following herbs are safe to use at the recommended dosage during pregnancy: Alfalfa: A nourishing herb rich in Vitamin K and many other nutrients, Alfalfa helps combat debility and ‘enrich’ the blood. In the early 1900’s American physicians who practised herbal medicine began to widely use Alfalfa for ‘loss of energy’.

In 1915, Dr. Ben A. Bradley observed Alfalfa as ‘a superlative restorative tonic; rejuvenating the whole system by increasing the strength, vim, vigor and vitality of the patient’. Used as a tea, Alfalfa leaves make a wonderful nourishing tonic for pregnancy and throughout the postpartum.

Black horehound: An excellent remedy for settling pregnancy nausea or vomiting which is made worse by worry or anxiety. Best combined with the other anti-nausea herbs below.

Dandelion leaf: A gentle, effective and balanced diuretic that helps ease any fluid retention. As one of the best sources of potassium, it supports kidney function and may also help prevent and treat high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia.

Rich in folic acid, B vitamins and calcium. Suitable during pregnancy and the postpartum to support rebalancing of fluid within the body.

Chamomile: A soothing, relaxing and antispasmodic herb. Helpful for morning sickness or a queasy tummy, and good for settling the nerves and promoting more restful sleep.

Contrary to mixed messages across the internet, 2 or 3 cups of Chamomile tea per day is considered safe in pregnancy.

Ginger: The classic anti-nausea remedy, it works well to settle a queasy tummy. The freshly grated or dried ginger root (much stronger) can be used. Consider combining with the other anti-nausea herbs and sip throughout the day.

Lemon Balm: A wonderful relaxant, calming to both the nervous system and the digestive system. Great for anxiety,

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Pregnancy and children’s health and nutrition specialist

Lisa Guy ND Naturopath & Author lisa@artofhealing.com.au 0414 491 595 www.artofhealing.com.au

h e r b a l

m e d i c i n e

•

h o m e o p a t h y

especially when affecting sleep and the appetite. Also suits an anti-nausea tea blend.

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Meadowsweet: One of the best digestive remedies available, protecting and soothing the mucous membranes of the digestive tract. It reduces excess acidity and eases nausea; so great for heartburn and morning sickness. Contains salicylates - avoid if you are allergic to salicylates.

Motherwort: As the name suggests, Motherwort is classic female herb. Aids in preparing and toning the uterus for labour, and may help ease lingering prelabour pains. Its also supportive to any anxiety or tension. In pregnancy, use after 36 weeks only.

Nettle: One of the finest nourishing tonic herbs available. Susun Weed describes an infusion of Nettle as a ‘dark green colour, approaching black; the taste is deep and rich.’ Nettle is indeed rich in chlorophyll, iron, calcium, sodium, potassium, Vitamin A, C, E and K all helping build the blood and decreasing excessive bleeding at birth.

It also acts through the kidneys as a diuretic for any fluid retention.

60 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

•

n u t r i t i o n

Oat straw: Very nourishing to the nervous system due to the calcium and magnesium content; and may also help ward off high blood pressure. Its also rich in silica and strengthening to the skin and capillaries; helping combat varicose veins and haemorrhoids.

Peppermint: Deliciously refreshing and calming on digestion. Helps any nausea or stomach woes and is a great taste masker!

Red Raspberry leaf: Used for centuries as a uterine tonic or partus preparator. It contains fragrine, an effective alkaloid that is known to strengthen and tone the uterus, cervix and all the pelvic muscles, helping facilitate efficient contractions during labour and birth. The effects of fragrine are cumulative, i.e. the best results are achieved when its taken regularly over a longer period of time. It is rich in calcium, magnesium, iron, folic acid and vitamin C and E. As a uterine astringent it also helps reduce postpartum bleeding and aids the uterus to return to pre-pregnancy size after the birth. Because of this, it may be used in the early weeks postpartum, yet I prefer its primary use during pregnancy.

It has also been documented for use as a morning sickness remedy, so is considered safe in the first trimester. Some women are happy to drink the tea from the first trimester until the end of pregnancy, yet I feel it has its best application after about 28 weeks. If wishing to use as a single herb, consider 1 cup per day from 12-20 weeks, 2 cups per day from 20-28 weeks, 3 cups per day from 28-36 weeks, then 4-5 cups per day from 36 weeks till labour. It can also be sipped on during early labour. Once drinking 4 cups per day, you may notice the cumulative effects discussed above, as an increase in tightenings (Braxton Hicks contractions) during or soon after drinking the tea; a great sign! Some recommend avoiding it if you’ve had a previous premature labour or a previous precipitous labour (labour lasting less than 3 hours), or a previous caesarean section. In response to this, personally I have comfortably used Raspberry leaf tea with VBAC mothers, but I also don’t see the point of using it if there is a history of premature or precipitous birth.

Squaw vine: This has very similar parturient properties to Raspberry leaf making for a great combination. Its also is a gentle diuretic helping with any fluid retention. I often combine this with Raspberry leaf and Motherwort towards the end of pregnancy (e.g. from 36 weeks).

Withania: A traditional Ayurvedic herb used as a gentle pregnancy tonic for more than 2,500 years. It is rejuvenating, balancing and strengthening to the nervous system. Great for relieving fatigue, and supporting the adaptive changes of pregnancy, and during the early postpartum weeks.

TO ENSURE YOUR SAFETY

There are many herbs to avoid using during pregnancy. Most are not available as commercially produced herbal teas, but can be sourced as loose herbs. The following list is by no means exhaustive. If unsure, always seek the professional advice of a qualified and accredited practitioner. If self-prescribing and in doubt - leave it out!

Avoid: Adhatoda, Barberry, Blue Cohosh, Cascara, Celery, Dong Quai, Ephedra, Feverfew, Ginseng, Golden Seal, Mugwort, Pennyroyal, Rue, Tansy, Wormwood, Yarrow.

Also keep an eye on your caffeine consumption during pregnancy; the following teas are particularly high in caffeine, so limit the intake to 1 cup per day; Black tea, Darjeeling, Earl Grey, Green tea, Oolong tea. Try Roobios Tea - this is safe.

Always seek the advice of a qualified and accredited Naturopath and/or Herbalist. See these links for accredited practitioners: ANTA (www.australiannaturaltherapistsassociation.com.au), ATMS (www.atms.com.au), NHAA (www.nhaa.org.au)

Kristin Beckedahl is Naturopath, Childbirth Educator, Doula and mother of two. Her practice BodyWise BirthWise, provides naturopathic services and products, including herbal teas discussed in this article, holistic childbirth education, birth support and continuity of care throughout the postnatal transition the transition to parenthood.

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Breastfeeding:

A Cause For Celebration Breastfeeding is slowly becoming more acceptable in our Western society. But rather than simply being ‘acceptable’, Robyn Noble IBCLC explains why it should be celebrated!

(Adapted from a speech that was given at Nurture’s Big Latch On in Brisbane on 2 August 2013)

Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

I was

mothers and their children is also good of artificial infant feeding annually. asked to speak for the community they are part of.

What was originally intended to at Nurture’s Big Latch On in August this • So it is mystifying that when be an emergency food for babies is year. I knew the event was a celebration hospitalised, mothers frequently now seen as the ‘normal’ way to feed of a unique bond between mothers and find it necessary to explain to health them. Commercial subversion of their children ~ breastfeeding underpins professionals why it is so important breastfeeding has been documented and the relationship between mother and that they are not unnecessarily roundly criticised by the World Health child, as well as all future relationships separated from breastfed babies; Organisation for over 50 years. It is not that child has. This is so profound • It is mystifying that mothers often so much that women ‘choose’ to bottle– and yet still barely acknowledged have to ask what other options are feed, it is usually more that they bottlein the 21st Century, even amongst available instead of treatments and feed by default - as I did with my first health professionals - despite the mass procedures that are incompatible two children. of research evidence highlighting its with breastfeeding; Artificial feeding of babies importance.

• It is mystifying that sick or imposes far more than just nutritional But one of my first thoughts when incapacitated mothers in hospital are mediocrity. How you are fed as a baby asked to speak was ‘why do we need not automatically given skilled help sets up the foundations of your health a Big Latch-on Event?’ The answer is to keep their breasts comfortable and and well-being for life. Not being that we need to make breastfeeding well drained if some separation from breastfed increases your risk of chronic less deeply mysterious in Australia disease in later life by 30 - 200% and other Western countries.

Being weaned before 6 ‘breastfeeding needs to be valued for Rather, breastfeeding the incomparable gift it is to mothers and months is responsible needs to be valued for the children, and therefore to our entire nation’ for up to 24% of chronic incomparable gift it is to diseases.

The 2004 mothers and children, and therefore to breastfed children is necessary; Report on Breastfeeding in NSW our entire nation.

• It is mystifying that sick or estimated a conservative figure of To be less mysterious, breastfeeding incapacitated mothers at home do $11.5 million dollars could be saved in needs to be seen as a normal everyday not have access to home help and Australia annually if the incidence of event. Sadly, there have been enough Meals on Wheels services. exclusive breastfeeding was increased negative incidents over the years that Since the cost of NOT breastfeeding from 60% to 80%, basing their figures on we have had to pass laws to protect amounts to billions of dollars each year hospital cost savings for just 4 illnesses, women’s right to breastfeed in public. in Australia, you would naturally think all of which involve the immune Even so, mothers continue to fend off that this would be enough to prompt response – Necrotising Enterocolitis, the judgements of ignorant strangers, government and health care services to gastrointestinal illness, type-1 diabetes including ideas that mothers should put the highest priority on making it easy and eczema. breastfeed their children in the toilets! for Australian babies to be breastfed. So Worldwide, the major emerging The value of human milk for human it is deeply mysterious that the opposite health issues are allergies and depression. children is the most commonly accepted is true.

By 2020, these are estimated to become aspect of breastfeeding – that it helps to On the opposing side, women are the world’s most common illnesses. prevent infections, and keeps children up against marketing forces that pour Research confirms that not being healthier. Anything that is good for billions of dollars into promotion breastfed significantly increases your www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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risk of suffering from these illnesses.

Mothers who do not breastfeed are also at greater risk of depression and a long list of other health issues including breast cancer, osteoporosis, gall bladder disease and metabolic disorders.

Further, exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months significantly reduces a child’s risk of allergies. Allergies are immune deficiency disorders. Fifty years ago, most Australians had never heard of allergies, including asthma. But times have changed, and Australia has been the world’s top allergic nation for the last 4 years.

In just 11 years up until 2005, 5½ times as many Australian children under 5 years old were admitted to hospital with food related anaphylaxis, the most severe and potentially life-threatening allergy response. But the costs of the allergy epidemic also extend well into adulthood. By 2008, Access Economics figures estimated that Australian allergy disorders cost $7.8 billion per year in work absenteeism alone, and that 1 in 5 Australians are affected by allergies.

Theese figures are expected to continue rising!

What is the most basic way to

minimise the impact of this rising tide? We need to provide mothers with the practical help and financial means to breastfeed as the World Health Organisation recommends – that ideally: • Children are exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months; • That breast milk remains the most important food during a child’s second 6 months of life; • Ideally breastfeeding continues into the second year and beyond.

To the typical Western mindset, these recommendations may seem bizarre. However, breastfeeding until at least 2 years of age is part of Jewish, Islamic and other ancient traditions.

The average age of weaning around the world remains the same as it has always been – between 2 and 7 years of age – reflecting the evolutionary norm for human children.

The truly bizarre thing is that culturally, it has become accepted as ‘normal’ in Australia to have strayed so far from what is actually normal! In the 21st Century, we like to think that we are civilised people. So how do we explain modern scourges such as eating disorders and child abuse?

In our Lucky Country, a child is abused every eleven minutes. It is often a pattern repeated over generations, that those who have been abused grow up to become abusers themselves.

Research demonstrates the power of the breastfeeding bond, however, showing that it extends far beyond weaning, dramatically lowering the risk of abuse for children – even if their mothers were abused as children! How amazing that the simple and satisfying act of longterm breastfeeding is able to break down such strong negative patterns!

Some have called breastfeeding the Secret Bond. Between us, we need to seize all opportunities to make it less secret, far better understood and valued.

Events such as Nurture’s Big Latch On are reducing the mystery of breastfeeding – and that is truly reason to celebrate!

STYLISH NURSING & MATERNITY WEAR FOR FABULOUS WOMEN

Robyn Noble has been in the breastfeeding world for over 35 years, 21 of them as a lactation consultant. She set up Australia’s first private breastfeeding clinic, Bayside Breastfeeding Clinic, 18 years ago.

Your Story Kara Smith tells of the heartbreak of giving birth to her sleeping angel. Through telling her story, there is healing but also guidance for others in this situation In 2011 we had our daughter Alicia. Mid 2012 we decided to give Alicia a sibling to grow up with. October 2012 we fell pregnant. Everything went perfectly, first trimester symptoms identical to Alicia, very mild. Every scan was perfect. We found out we were having another girl. Second trimester also went without issue. Everything changed as we entered the final trimester. I started to worry about reduced movement but was reassured by family, friends and the obstetrician that it was just she was getting bigger. Scans at the end of April showed a strong heartbeat. Early Sunday 5th May 2013, 29 weeks pregnant, I was playing with Alicia in her room and my husband, Jon, comes in and I burst into tears. After battling with my own thoughts convincing myself everything was ok I couldn’t do it any more. We called the hospital. I was unable to speak so Jon spoke with the nurse. She said to come in to be checked.

On arrival we were met by two lovely nurses who showed us to the birthing suites to be checked. First they tried the external heart rate monitors, nothing, but “they can be tricky”.

Next was the Doppler, still nothing, but “she might just be in a difficult position”. I knew it was more than that but Jon was still sure everything was ok and we were just there to reassure me.

They called in the obstetrician on duty who tried as well. They arranged for us to go down to his office to use his ultrasound machine. After what felt like a lifetime the obstetrician put everything down took my hand and told us those soul-crushing words, “I am really sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat ”. What was a horrific shock for Jon was confirmation of what I already knew but never in a million years every wanted to be true. We cried and screamed as our world was pulled out from under us. Our baby girl was gone.

The next day we came back in to see our obstetrician and discuss what comes next. I was to be induced that day, my daughter would be born that day and I would have to say goodbye. She would not cry, she would not squirm, she would not come home with us. We were encouraged to hold her. I wasn’t sure; I was so scared.

Many offered to be there if we wanted but we had no idea what we wanted. My sister turned up at the hospital without being asked. It was the best possible thing that could have happened. Her support, distraction and presence was invaluable. She also took photos of our beautiful little girl, photos we will treasure forever. I cannot say enough how amazing all the hospital staff were throughout this experience.

At 4:59pm Hayley Louise Smith was born. I held my baby girl and all my fear vanished, I felt pride and even joy like any mum holding her baby. The devastation was there but I was holding my baby girl, I cleaned her face; I touched her perfect hands; her perfect long feet. I can’t believe how long her feet were! I held her for what felt like a minute but was over an hour

before being told I needed to go to theatre to have my placenta removed. While I was away Jon held Hayley, she was weighed, the nurses printed her hand and feet prints for us to keep. I went back and held her for what felt like minutes but again it was over an hour. I said my goodbyes and so much more. I was assured she would go somewhere warm, bundled in her blanket and in a cot not on some cold table somewhere before I would let her go. My little girl was taken away, I would never see her again, never hold her again.

In the days, weeks and months that followed there was so many emotions, anger; fear; sorrow; jealousy; heartbreak; defeat; incompleteness; lost; isolation; even joy, mostly because of Alicia, just to name a few. Most of all there was guilt. These emotions would come one at a time or all at once, in between was numb. There were so many conflicting and contradictory thoughts and feelings. It was often so overwhelming I didn’t know what I was feeling. The physical pain of my heart breaking over and over again. There are so many triggers, obvious ones like her things, not so obvious things like having to do something as simple as eating or cooking dinner, doing something so normal was infuriating.

I have fantastic support at home and from good friends and family. Alicia has been my shining light. I have also met and found tremendous support with many other angel mums from around the world through online support groups. They have helped me understand my feelings, to truly know I am normal even when different to other grieving mums and given me invaluable advice, support, hope and somewhere to vent like only a shared experience can. Hayley shares heaven with many angels, including Cédric, Weston, Angelica Ann and Antony who all gained their wings this year. Your mummy’s and daddy’s love you so very much. I am finding friendship with more angel mums every step of this forever journey.

If you know someone who has lost a child, please talk to them about that child, not just about how sad it is. Say their name. Let them know you are thinking of them and their child on special events, like the child’s birthday, Mothers/Fathers Day and Christmas. Acknowledge their child. Even if they cry, it’s ok. Crying is important to healing. Everyone is different but it is a common frustration people in this position feel, that their precious child is forgotten or not considered important or even real. Thank you for letting me share some of my story, my baby girl. www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Basic Babywearing Safety Babywearing is a wonderful way to bond with your child and to create ease in doing everyday tasks.

However, there is a serious safty side to babywearing that every parent should know. In this article, Anne McEwan looks at the basics of babywearing safety

Safety is paramount when it comes to baby wearing. Just like you pay attention to how to safely use a carseat or a pram, knowing what is safe and what is not when using a sling or carrier keeps you and your baby safe.

There are many different ways to make sure you and your baby are safe whilst using your sling or carrier and here are some to keep in mind when making your decisions. The most important one is to use your own judgement and common sense.

POSITIONING

I recommend the TICKS - rule of safe baby wearing. The TICKS - rule of safe babywearing was developed in the UK by the UK Carrier Retailers and Manufacturers consortium in 2010 in response to the recall of some Infantino products. The focus is on safe positioning by making sure that the baby is positioned in the carrier in a way which is allowing them to be carried safel .

T - Tight I - In Sight C - Chin off Chest

Keep your precious little ones close with a high quality European woven wrap.

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www.wovenwraps.com.au 66 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

K - Close Enough to Kiss S - Supported Back A carrier which has been tightened properly and which supports your baby’s back enables them to stay in the safe position in which you have placed them. A carrier which is too loose can cause a baby to slouch down or slip out.

By following the TICKS your baby will be high on your chest (Close Enough to Kiss) and with their face visible to you.

Having your baby close to your face will enhance your ability to be responsive to any changes. If they would slip and their breathing starts to sound laboured then you are in a position to be aware of this sooner than if your baby was being carried low down.

The TICKS rule is designed for front or hip carrying.

However, if carrying a baby on your back,you can still make sure that they are in a position where you can be aware of their movements and breathing. With a younger infant this can be achieved with a very high back carry with their head placed above your shoulder level, resting on the back of your neck.

A lower back carry can be achieved from around 6 months, depending on your baby’s size and head control. When you carry your baby lower on your back you are the one that needs to feel they are ready for this, both physically and emotionally (as they will not be able to see your face when they are lower down).

and whether that method is compatible with the place where you will be untying your carrier.

If tandem carrying (carrying two or more babies at the same time in one or more carriers) consider how the movements of one baby impact on the other and how getting one baby out impacts on the other.

COMMON SENSE

Photo: Woven Wraps Australia

Babywearing safety is not about black and white rules. It is about informing yourself of any guidelines and potential safety problems and finding your way to make carrying work for you safely. Most manufacturers have safety advice on their website or in their instructions and that is always a good place to start.

WHILST IN THE CARRIER

When you are carrying your baby in a carrier for the first time it can help to hold a hand in front of the carrier whilst going through a narrow space or past an obstacle which is sticking out. This will help you become spatially aware whilst carrying. Think about your footwear, your centre of gravity will change when carrying and this can impact on how stable you feel whilst wearing heels.

A carrier is a tool, it allows you to be hands free. Yet you may want to consider whether an activity is likely to impact on your child. The following activities are all things that you may want to give some thought before doing them whilst carrying a child in a carrier.

Anne McEwan is a babywearing consultant and educator with over 8 years experience. Anne was a babywearing trainer for Trageschule UK and www.wrapmybaby.co.uk and is currently writing a babywearing safety course for Born to Carry.

For further babywearing information, please go to www.borntocarry.com

www.frangipanibaby.com.au baby slings and carriers and more

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• Eating or drinking something hot/cooking - Is there a risk of the hot food or drink spilling on your baby?

• Operating machinery, rock climbing, cycling, etc. - What would the impact be on you/your baby if something goes wrong compared to if you would not be carrying.

• Breastfeeding - Can you still see your baby? Are you aware of your babies breathing? Are you doing something else that can distract your attention? Breastfeeding and Babywearing are both skills many mothers need to spend time developing, consider where you are in the learning process for each before putting them together.

TYING AND UNTYING A CARRIER

With most carriers there are a variety of ways in which they can be tied. Finding a method that suits you, your child and your carrier can take time yet it is time well spend. Both for safety and for speed. When you feel confident in your ability to use a carrier safely accidents are less likely to happen.

When tying and untying the carrier it can help to use a method which allows your baby to be secured against you by the carrier at all times. Babies who are likely to suddenly move to the side, straighten their legs or arch their backs will need extra care and attention especially when attempting a back carry.

When deciding on which tying method to use it is useful to also consider how you will get your baby back out of the carrier www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Why You Should Care About Circumcism Circumcism is one of those topics that people cannot seem to agree upon. Some believe it is a parent’s ‘right’ and others believe it is a human right of the child to remain intact. Tracy Cassels, author of Evolutionary Parenting, explains why she changed her view from the former to the latter

I used

to be one of those people who thought that non-religious circumcision was a personal decision.

And by personal, I mean parental.

Yeah, I personally would never do it because there was just no point to it in my mind. But to be honest I also never really thought it was ‘an issue’. I knew wonderful, loving parents who circumcised their little boys. I also knew wonderful, loving parents who didn’t. I knew the stance in Canada (where I’m from) was that there was no reason to do it and officially there was a statement suggesting it best not to, but that it was still left up to the parent.

endure either the partial or full removal of the clitoral hood or the partial or full removal of the clitoral hood and part or all of the inner or outer labia (more akin to male circumcision in Western countries). A fourth type includes all other types of procedures, which can include simply pricking the clitoris in a ceremonial way (the most common form of female circumcision).

I’m not saying any of these should be legal at all and in fact I am thrilled they’re illegal as the lack of medical care during the procedure is highly dangerous for females; however, the idea that even the more benign prick of Indonesia is illegal but our boys can have their entire foreskin removed is ridiculous to me. I

flawed and the trials that aren’t provide mixed results to efficacy.3 Similarly, attempts to replicate findings for HIV or STIs in developed nations have failed far more than they have succeeded.4 Penile cancer is an area in which there are consistent findings that infant circumcision is correlated with lower or non-existent rates of penile cancer.5 However, further examination of the findings shows that it only holds for individuals with a history of phimosis (a condition in which the foreskin cannot fully retract over the penis after the age of adolescence – it is completely normal not to retract in childhood).6 Thus if phimosis is diagnosed early (i.e., in adolescence) it may be a medical Then I learned. reason for later circumcision.

‘I learned that the so-called medical Finally, UTIs are brought up benefits to male circumcision don’t really regularly in North America 1. I learned that what most of the Western exist in the research and certainly not in a as circumcision is linked way that justifies the procedure’ world considers with lower rates of UTIs in barbaric for females is actually would hope we value both our boys and Western samples and circumcision in our girls equally. acceptable for our male boys. childhood for children with recurrent UTIs seems to offer a type of cure.7 Before you tell me that they are 2. I learned that the so-called medical However, this latter case would be a benefits to male circumcision don’t medical indication for circumcision. two totally different procedures, let really exist in the research and me explain what female circumcision In all of these cases, however, the certainly not in a way that justifies cost-benefit ratio is miniscule or even entails around the world:1 There the procedure. are four different types, only one in the negative. For example, the base of which is actually far worse than rates of STIs or HIV and the amount Three main areas are often brought up of protection that can be conferred is male circumcision. It is this type – infibulation – which involves removal of with respect to medical ‘benefits’: HIV/ similar to or less than the risks of real all or part of the inner and outer labia, STIs, penile cancer, and urinary tract complications from circumcision.8 the clitoris, and the wound is then fused, infections (UTIs). Though there is some With penile cancer and UTIs, the risks leaving open only a small hole for urine research suggesting that rates of HIV of complications from circumcision and menstrual blood. Of those who in high-infection areas can be lowered actually outweigh the risks of either undergo female circumcision, 15% will with a combination of circumcision and penile cancer or getting a UTI (for endure this type. The other 85% will sex education,2 much of the research is a discussion of this with UTIs, see

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Photo: iStock Photography

reference 7). This means that you are putting your child at a heightened risk of a medical complication instead of conferring a benefit from it.

3. I learned that the pain from circumcision can send a baby into shock, that pain relief is only partial, and that there are practitioners who don’t use any pain relief at all on the newborn patients.

Parents may tell you their child didn’t cry much. Doctors or nurses may tell you that your child is just in a deep sleep after undergoing a circumcision. It’s not that. It’s shock. Infants undergoing circumcision without pain relief (something that is sadly too common given that 26% of training programs in the United States don’t even teach pain relief for circumcision under the misguided notion that it’s not needed9) have their cortisol raised three to four TIMES their baseline levels.10 In one study examining pain relief methods versus a placebo, the researchers had to end the trials early due to the extreme responses of the infants in the placebo

group.11 Ethically they could not continue. Even when there is pain relief used it’s not 100%, with the best relief options offering only partial relief.12 Perhaps most importantly, pain relief or not, infant circumcision is linked with heightened pain responses to other stimuli months later.13 This means that the experience of circumcision is altering our boys’ physiology in a way that we can actually measure. The degree of change is dependent on the degree of pain relief received, but even those boys with the best pain relief available show significant increases in pain to later stimuli. Thus I have to ask, is a cosmetic procedure worth altering our children’s physiological reactions to pain? And can we say we’re doing no long-term harm when we can measure this long-term effect?

4. I learned that male circumcision can have negative effects on a man’s sexual functioning.

Though you may not hear many adult males complain about their sex lives, you will hear some given that the foreskin contains some of the largest

numbers of sensitive nerve endings in the penis. We know that a circumcised penis is far less sensitive to stimulation than the uncircumcised penis14 (though the pleasure of sex involves so many other factors that it would be unfair to say that sex was less pleasurable and research on adults who have been circumcised shows no difference in subjective pleasure despite decreased sensitivity). Often though, men who are studied are those who underwent adult circumcision for specific problems,15 a factor that might influence sexual pleasure prior to circumcision.

However, there is one study that has looked at non-adult circumcision and found that sexual satisfaction for both men and women was decreased when the men had been circumcised.16 This is hypothesized to be due to the loss of sensitivity for men and the loss of lubrication for women as lubrication is a natural effect for an uncircumcised penis. A second potential problem that comes from the loss of sensitivity is that it may be linked with riskier sexual practices. One longitudinal study out of New Zealand found that circumcised men were far more likely to engage in

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unprotected sex.17 This shouldn’t be too surprising given the further loss of sensitivity that can come from wearing a condom. Personally I hope my children would be careful regardless, but why would I want to stack the deck against them being careful?

5. I learned that to value the male infant means to value him as a whole, with a right to bodily integrity.

Unfortunately the idea that children have rights to their body is something we may give lip service to but rarely do we encourage it in practice. From physically forcing children into seats they are screaming to get out of, to forcing hugs to others they don’t want to touch, to the most invasive—cutting off a piece of a child’s body for cosmetic purposes. Children should have the right to bodily integrity and to take that away from them is to assume that somehow our child is born wrong. That we can’t value the intact child as much as we value the altered child because if we did, we would not see the value in changing his body.

References

1. World Health Organization (2008) Eliminating Female Genital Mutilation: An Interagency Statement.

WHO Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data.

2. Gray RH, Kigozi G, Serwadda D, et al. (2007) Male circumcision for HIV prevention in men in Rakai, Uganda: a randomized trial. The Lancet, 369: 657-666.

Bailey RC, Moses S, Parker CB, et al.(2007) Male circumcision for HIV prevention in young men in Kisumu, Kenya: a randomized control trial. The Lancet, 369: 643-656.

Auvert B, Taljaard D, Lagarde E, et al. (2005) Randomized, controlled intervention trial of male circumcision for reduction of HIV infection risk: the ANRS 1265 trial. PLoS Med,2: e298.

3. Van Howe RS, Storms MR (2011) How the circumcision solution in Africa will increase HIV infections. Journal of Public Health in Africa, 2: e4.

4. Dave SS, Johnson AM, Fenton KA, Mercer CH, Erens B, Wellings K (2003) Male circumcision in Britain: findings from a national probability sample survey. Sex Transm Infect, 79: 499-500.

5. Schoen EJ, Oehrli M, Colby CJ, Machin G (2000) The highly protective effect of newborn circumcision against invasive penile cancer. Pediatrics, 105: e36.

6. Tseng H-F, Morgenstern H, Mack T, Peters RK (2001) Risk factors for penile cancer: Results of a population-based case-control study in Los Angeles County (United States). Cancer Causes and Control, 12: 267-277.

***** I learned all these things and as soon as I did I could no longer say that routine infant circumcision was something parents should decide. It should not be a parental choice. When we make it such we are saying that boys are allowed to be born imperfect and that they should undergo a procedure no adult would want to endure. And to endure it without full pain relief (if they are provided any at all). Our boys deserve better than that.

And yet, despite our growing awareness of complications and pain responses due to circumcision, the American Academy of Pediatrics changed their stance on circumcision.18 Whereas it was once discouraged, the stance is now more neutral but bordering on support, though the real focus is making sure it’s paid for by insurance companies. It’s not too surprising given the financial motivation doctors have but this change has widereaching implications.

Already the Canadian Pediatric Society is revising their stance19 to be more in line with the 7. Wiswell TE, Smith FR, Bass JW (1985) Decreased incidence of urinary tract infections in circumcised male infants. Pediatrics, 75: 901-903.

Singh-Grewal D, Macdessi J, Craig J (2005) Circumcision for the prevention of urinary tract infection in boys: A systematic review of randomized trials and observational studies. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 90: 853-858.

8. Weiss HA, Larke N, Halperin D, Schenker I (2010) Complications of circumcision in male neonates, infants and children: A systematic review. BMC Urology, 10: doi:10.1186/1471-2490-102.

Ceylan K, Burhan K, Yilmaz Y, Can S, Kus A, Mustafa G (2007) Severe complications of circumcision: An analysis of 48 cases. Journal of Pediatric Urology, 3: 32-35.

Bocquet N, Chappuy H, LortatJacob S, Cheron G (2009) Bleeding complications after ritual circumcision: About six children. European Journal of Pediatrics, 169: 359-362.

9. Howard CR, Howard FM, Garfunkel LC, de Blieck EA, Weitzman M (1998) Neonatal circumcision and pain relief: Current training practices. Pediatrics, 101: 423-8.

10. Gunnar MR, Malone S, Vance G, Fisch RO (1985) Coping with aversive stimulation in the neonatal period: quiet sleep and plasma cortisol levels during recovery from circumcision.

Child Development, 56: 824-34.

11. Lander J, Brady-Fryer B, Metcalfe JB, Nazarali S, Muttitt S (1997) Comparison of a ring block, dorsal penile nerve block, and topical anesthesia for

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AAP.19 Who knows if other countries, such as Austrlaia, will also follow suit. It is why my husband and I are dedicated to discovering what has led the US to be on such a different path than much of the rest of the world with respect to routine infant circumcision and what the effects of this path are.

Remember, when you know more, you do better. And our boys need us to know everything there is.

We hope you will join us in discovering more too.

Tracy Cassels is a student, mother and author of Evolutionary Parenting (www.EvolutionaryParenting.com).

She obtained her B.A. in Cognitive Science from the University of California, and her M.A. in Clinical Psychology from the University of British Columbia. She is a Ph.D. Candidate in Developmental Psychology with a research focus on what factors contribute to children’s empathic behavior.

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neonatal circumcision. JAMA, 278: 2157-2162.

Razmus IS, Dalton ME, Wilson D (2004) Pain management for newborn circumcision. Pediatric Nursing, 30: 414-7.

Taddio A, Katz J, Ilersich AL, Koren G (1997). Effect of neonatal circumcision on pain response during subsequent routine vaccination. The Lancet, 349: 599-603.

Sorrells ML, Snyder JL, Reiss MD, Eden C, Milos MF, Wilcox N, Van Howe RS (2007) Fine-touch pressure thresholds in the adult penis. BJU International, 99: 864-9.

Senol MG, Sen B, Karademir K, Sen H, Saracoglu M (2008) The effect of male circumcision on pudental evoked potentials and sexual satisfaction. Acta Neurol. Belg., 108: 90-93.

Frisch M, Lindholm M, Gronbaek M (2011) Male circumcision and sexual function in men and women: A survey-based, cross-sectional study in Denmark. International Journal of Epidemiology, 40: 1367-81.

Fergusson DM, Boden JM, Horwood J (2006) Circumcision status and risk of sexually transmitted infection in young adult males: an analysis of a longitudinal birth cohort. Pediatrics, 118: 1971-7. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/ content/early/2012/08/22/peds.20121989 http://www.cps.ca/en/documents/ position/circumcision http://o.canada.com/2013/03/03/ canadas-pediatricians-set-to-revealnew-policy-on-circumcision/

Adventures With Sam:

The Release Valve!

Sometimes parenting gets a bit much and we need a release.

Sam Smith entertains us with his fortnightly pressure release

Kids have a knack of building up your internal pressure. It’s not their fault; it’s how they are programmed. Changing this would be like telling a bird not to abseil or a fish not to tap dance. Okay, maybe I’ve got to work on my metaphors, but the point is well made…um, right? The bird and fish would look at you thinking to themselves, “But this is what I do.”

Abseiling sparrows and tap dancing trout aside, kids just have that thirst for knowledge which at times we feed and at others we starve. If you are a constant, never-off-game feeder, go to the top of the class. However, most of us are real people with flaws and inconsistencies and the reasons for the starvation vary from the internal to the external. You’re tired. You’re busy. You’re talking to another.

You’re thinking about work. You’re watching Neighbours. Whatever! Maybe you just don’t feel like it. All of these are perfectly normal human responses and can put a little more steam under your lid.

And it’s not only a thirst for knowledge which causes your pot to boil. Kids want to play with you when you should be making dinner. They don’t want a bath when they are covered in mud. They are doing experiments on the cat with Drano. It’s the nature of kids and will never change. And each time the mud is all over the house or the cat’s oesophagus is unblocked, a little more steam pushes up on your cork.

Myself and two friends get together every second Friday and release the steam.

It started out innocently enough – we used to sit together as our daughters looked angelic in their dance classes or while our sons looked equally angelic at Auskick.

(I mean really, when the coach says ‘go in hard’ to your frail 6 year old and he stares back innocently, a comic halo should instantly appear over the kid’s head.)

Anyhoo, one of us said, “Wanna play cards Friday?” and the others nodded.

That first afternoon, we sat and yarned and played Up and Down the River for two hours until the kids all arrived after school. It was all very, what’s the word? Pleasant. Now, when I hear someone else describe a situation as pleasant, I cringe a little on the inside. Of all the words to choose from – fun, relaxing, a blast, fantastic, stimulating – and you chose pleasant? Really?

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Fortunately, the three of us knew each other fairly well by that stage and believed pleasant could be surpassed. We swapped our coffee for shiraz and our chocolate biscuits for gooey cheeses and we haven’t looked back since. It’s a small pleasure that vents the fortnight’s steam and enables us to get on with the business of mummying and daddying for the next fortnight in good humour.

So the next time my daughter informs me we need more toothpaste because she doesn’t have enough to finish making a plug for the bathroom sink, I can, instead of getting grumpy, hold on to that story knowing my fortnightly friends will turn it into a reason to laugh. www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Brain Boosting Food For Children We all want our children to grow up with the best possible start to life. However, when it comes to food, things have changed rapidly over the last few years. Lisa Guy, naturopath, explains which foods can help boost brain function in your child

Childhood

iodine deficiencies in our children. It’s estimated that nearly half of our children are deficient in iodine. Deficiencies are associated with lower IQ, and decreased cognitive function, as well as a higher risk of ADHD. Australian soil tends to be low in iodine, so our fruits, vegetables and grains, as well as animal produce will be poor in this important nutrient. The best sources of iodine include seafood, seaweed and iodised salt (however we don’t want kids to increase their salt intake). Spriulina is another excellent source of iodine, which you can easily add to your children’s smoothies and fresh fruit and vegetable juices.

(FAs), in particular docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), found in oily fish, to work is a critical time for a child’s brain properly. Omega-3 FAs cannot be made growth and development. This is why by the body, so they need to be supplied it is important that they get a constant through the diet. DHA is not widely supply of nutrients from a healthy diet found in the diet, but is present in cold to fuel their brains. Neurotransmitters water fish such as salmon, sardines, in the brain (and the gut) control how trout, herring, halibut and mackerel. we behave, learn, and concentrate, they DHA can also be made by the body from balance our mood, and co-ordinate the omega-3 FA, alpha-linolenic acid, how we move. Amino acids and specific found in high levels in flaxseed and chia vitamins and minerals from the foods seeds and oils, and walnuts. Walnuts we eat are needed for neurotransmitter also contain an antioxidant called ellagic production. Children who have a acid, which helps protect the brain from poor diet, or have poor digestion and free radical damage. Children lacking in malabsorption, will risk becoming this important nutrient are susceptible deficient in certain nutrients to developing learning and in-turn low in ‘Due to nutrient poor soil quality in Australia and and behavioural neurotransmitters, children’s reliance of processed ‘junk’ foods, children disorders such which can result are becoming increasingly deficient in vital nutrients as ADHD. in behavioural needed for good brain function and good health’ These healthy fats and learning disorders. are essential for our Due to nutrient poor soil quality ZINC memory too, they keep the lining of the For kids in particular, zinc deficiency brain cells flexible so memory messages in Australia and children’s reliance of processed ‘junk’ foods, children are is highly problematic as it will lead to can pass easily between cells. Give your becoming increasingly deficient in compromised growth and development. kids a brain boost by feeding them oily vital nutrients needed for good brain Research has shown that even mild fish 2-3 times a week, and by adding a zinc deficiency contributes to impaired tablespoon of either ground chia seeds function and good health. and neuropsychological or flaxseed oil to their next smoothie, or Some of the key nutrients vital physical for children’s brain function and development and brain formation and porridge. development, commonly deficient in function. Zinc is also important for a the Australian diet, include iodine, healthy functioning immune system. B VITAMINS zinc, omega-3 essential fatty acids, and You can increase your child’s zinc B vitamins are required for the intake by feeding them red meat, fish, production of neurotransmitters crucial vitamin B12. chicken, eggs, dairy products, legumes for brain function. Vitamin B12 is vital or sunflower and pumpkin seeds. Zinc is for the proper functioning of your child’s IODINE Iodine is an important mineral also found in wholegrain cereals. brain and nervous system. Vitamin B12 required for healthy brain function is found mainly in meat, poultry, fish, and development. Unfortunately in OMEGA-3 FATS yoghurt and spirulina. Beneficial bowel The brain needs omega-3 fatty acids bacteria can also synthesize vitamin Australia we are now seeing widespread

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Photo: Deposit Photos

B12, so it is important that your child has good gut health, by feeding them probiotic-rich fermented foods regularly.

Giving your kids eggs to eat is another great way to enhance their brain power. Eggs are one of the best sources of choline, an important nutrient related to the B vitamin family, which is essential for healthy brain function and memory. Choline is found in the myelin sheath that insulates nerve fibres throughout the brain, and is needed to produce acetylcholine, an important neurotransmitter involved in memory.

LINK BETWEEN GUT HEALTH AND YOUR CHILD’S BRAIN FUNCTION

Our gut has also been referred to as our second brain, as our mood and behaviour can be influenced by how healthy our digestive function is. There is a strong link between depression and behavioural problems such as ADHD and austism in children, with an imbalance of gut bacteria. A large percentage of our neurotransmitters like serotonin are actually produced in our gut. In fact 80% of our body’s total serotonin is found in the gut. Serotonin is our ‘feel good’ hormone, which plays a key role in mood, calming of our nervous system, helping us sleep, and regulation of learning. So it is important to nourish and support the growth of beneficial bacteria in our children’s digestive tract, not just to promote good digestion and health, but to help promote healthy brain function, mood and behaviour. One of the best ways of doing that is by feeding your kids more probiotic-rich fermented foods.

FEED YOUR KIDS MORE FERMENTED FOODS

Fermented foods play a very important role in a child’s www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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diet. Fermented foods contain beneficial bacteria that help colonize the digestive tract. These good bugs are vital for a healthy balanced digestive tract, and for supporting healthy immune and brain function. If your child has an imbalance of bacteria in their gut, pathogenic organisms can flourish and take over, causing digestive and even immune problems. Children’s brain function can also be influenced by this imbalance. Overgrowth of yeast and other pathogenic bacteria has been linked to behaviour and attention problems in children. This is why it is extremely important to replenish these vital probiotics, especially after being on antibiotics.

Fermented foods that contain these live bacteria include: yogurt, kefir, cultured vegetables such as raw sauerkraut, and miso. Making your own yoghurt at home is easy and lots of fun.

You can even make delicious non-dairy yoghurts with coconut or nut milks.

Grating apple through raw sauerkraut is a nice way to introduce this wonderful fermented food to kids. Raw miso paste can be added to soups, make sure you add it in at the end when you have taken it off the heat. Kefir is a fermented milk drink similar to drinking-yoghurt, with a more tart taste. It contains more than 30 different beneficial bacteria, is a great source of calcium, vitamin A and D, and protein. Kefir can be easily added to smoothies or used as a salad dressing.

Try adding coconut yoghurt or young coconut kefir to smoothies.

Lisa Guy is a homeopath and naturopath who runs ‘Art of Healing’ (www.artofhealing.com.au) and The Happy Baby Clinic and author of “My Goodness: all you need to know about children’s health and nutrition”

Revolution in Cooking Fast, fresh and healthy! And so easy to clean. Tight on time in the kitchen?

Then the Vitamix will be your new best friend. This nifty appliance has a heap of power and a multitude of functions, which means you can make: smoothies, hot soups, dips, salad dressings and marinades, and even home made icecream.

It’s the one appliance that you will find yourself using everyday. With the Vitamix, you can whip up something delicious in a flash and you won’t lose any of the nutritious elements of the food along the way.

Only the Vitamix has the power to blend all those healthy, nutritious parts of the food (skin, peel, core and seeds) into a delicious, can’t-tell-the-fibre is there, smooth consumable consistency.

With a full 7 year warranty, the Vitamix will happily make your daily Green Smoothie for years to come.

Find out more at www.vitamix.com.au Sign up to the Vitamix 7@7 Campaign at vitamix.com.au and receive your free Green Smoothie e-book written by Australia’s healthy celebrities

WHAT’S COOKING? With Artisan Wholefoods Recipes to cook for the kids and with the kids!

Both of these recipes feature one of my favourite kid and baby friendly ingredients – Organic, virgin, unrefined coconut oil.

This natural super-food is rich in lauric acid, which facilitates brain functions and boosts the immune system. It is also known to be antiviral, antifungal and antimicrobial, and is one of the most heat-stable oils making it fabulous for both raw and cooked recipes.

Baby-Led Weaning Recipe (6mth+)

Green Eggs

clean, and dry and have no passengers (bugs from the garden).

2. Place herbs and oil in a mortar and pestle to grind or a food processor with sharp blades and process until the mix is a fine green paste.

3. Store in a jar in the fridge or in the freezer, in ice cube trays ready to add flavour and nutrition to any meal - this is a fabulous way to preserve your home grown herbs, and to have them ready to use at a moments notice.

Green Eggs: 4. In a bowl, whisk together egg, yolk, cream, salt and herb paste.

5. Warm a small or medium stainless steel fry pan over a medium heat.

When the pan is hot (but not smoking!) add butter allowing it to melt and cover the pan.

6. Pour in the green eggs mix and using a spatula, straight away start to pull the cooking eggs in from the sides. (The mixture should not stick to the pan as the melted butter will create a protective layer). The eggs will cook in less than a minute. Slide over onto a plate and allow to cool before handing over to baby.

Ingredients:

70 grams organic unsweetened desiccated coconut (Plus extra for rolling) 25 grams organic cocoa powder 70 grams coconut oil (organic, virgin and unrefined) 80 grams honey ½ tsp vanilla Pinch sea salt

Preparation: 1. Place all ingredients into a glass or stainless steel bowl.

2. If the coconut oil is cold and solid briefly place the bottom of the bowl in a pot of warm water and stir the ingredients until the coconut oil is melted in.

3. Mix well to combine and then place the mixture into the fridge to allow the coconut oil to cool and firm up again.

4. When firm, pinch off small pieces and roll into balls, then roll in the extra desiccated coconut.

5. This will make about 20.

Ingredients:

Emerald green herb paste 1 ½ cups freshly picked herb leaves – any or all of parsley, coriander and basil works the best.

Cooking with Kids Recipe

½ cup coconut oil (organic, virgin and unrefined) Green Eggs: 1 organic pasture raised egg 1 organic pasture raised egg yolk 1 tablespoon cream A pinch of salt 2 teaspoons emerald green herb paste 1 tablespoon butter or coconut oil

Preparation:

Emerald green herb paste 1. Ensure that the leaves are fresh,

Coconut Fudge Balls

Artisan Wholefoods is cooking school based in the Northern Rivers region of NSW and was established in 2013 by Chef, Sustainable living writer and Organic Grower Jean Martinez. Artisan Wholefoods offers classes, courses and seminars founded in a wholefoods philosophy that embraces a holistic food circle from production to consumption, and in particular organic and biodynamic food production, local and seasonal foods, traditional food skills and overall deliciousness. For further information and updates on classes and events see: www.facebook.com/ artisanwholefoods www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Book Reviews

by Sharon Dowley

Children’s Books Questions, Questions

Author & Illustrator: Marcus Pfister North-South Books, 2011 $24.99

It’s a given that as parents, we want our children to be healthy and happy and ultimately, to grow into independent, confident, bright and resilient adults. Raising children with a moral conscience and the capacity to question rather than blindly accept what’s going on around them may certainly play a significant role in this regard. It’s perhaps worth remembering therefore, that questioning, as any parent of a toddler will attest, is an innate trait - and it’s one worth encouraging.

Questions, Questions is a rhyming book, just as the title suggests, of questions: “How do birds learn how to sing?

What brings summer after spring?” … “What turns the leaves from green to brown, and sends them floating gently down?”

Inspired by an Italian poem that the author encountered on a holiday (Cosa sara), this is a book of 13 couplets, each a perfect starting point with which to pique your child’s curiosity. It’s both a sweet, beautifully illustrated poem, and the perfect catalyst to begin a conversation.

Marcus Pfister is an award-winning Swiss children’s author, illustrator and former graphic artist, best known for his 1992 book, The Rainbow Fish, with it’s gorgeous, vibrant illustrations of a sparkly, blue-green fish. He has now published 49 books that have together been translated into over 50 languages.

The visual element of Pfisters’s books is always integral to his storytelling. In this case, the colourful, striking images of acrylic and holographic foil were created using a technique which he outlines at the end of the book, and which he encourages readers to try with their own children. If you enjoy Questions, Questions, keep an eye out too for his most recent release, The Yellow Cab.

Actually, I Can

Author & Illustrator: Nicky Johnston Rough Draft, 2013 $16.95 Young Connor is a worry bunny, afraid to try new things, fearful of making mistakes, uncertain and ill prepared for the unknown. His best friend Amelia is the opposite: a free spirit with an active imagination and a yen for adventure. As a fearless “Treasure Hunter”, Amelia whisks a hesitant Connor

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off on an afternoon adventure, exploring a garden and old, deserted shed. It’s an adventure that will help him face his fears, come to the aid of his friend when trouble hits, and unleash the inner “Jungle Warrior” he never knew existed.

Actually, I Can is the third book from author, illustrator, educator, speaker and mum to four boys, Nicky Johnston. Her first book, Go Away Mr Worrythoughts, was penned after her eldest son was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It was the start of a mission to help children (and especially those affected by mental health issues) deal with the everyday fears and anxieties that can range from slight to crippling. Go Away Mr Worrythoughts received an enormous response from children, parents and teachers, and has since been turned into a theatrical production which is currently touring Victorian primary schools.

Like her earlier books, Actually, I Can features sweet, pastel illustrations from Johnston that in this case perfectly evoke an innocent childhood escapade. This is a simple and encouraging story to help young children and especially “little worriers” try new things, take a chance and maybe even discover something new about their abilities.

Parenting Books Love Learn Live Csilla Icon Publishing, 2012 $24.95

Mention home schooling in general circles and people you’ve always thought of as openminded tend to have a similar response: it’s for fringe groups, it’s not a proper education, it’s isolating, it’s just plain odd. When you consider the general dissatisfaction with much of the education system, and spiralling concern for issues such as bullying however, it perhaps isn’t surprising that despite the general (traditional) consensus, there are a significant number of parents taking the home schooling route.

Love Learn Live is the story of one family’s home schooling experience, penned by mother, teacher, homeschooling consultant and now author, Csilla. In outlining her family’s own journey, she addresses many preconceived notions about home schooling, and in the process, throws back a few questions of her own at the validity of traditional schooling models. Love learn Live isn’t a guide-to, but it does offer information on home schooling choices, and advice to

EDITORS PICK

Photo: Depositphotos

The Continuum Concept Author : Jean Liedloff Penguin, 2009 (first published 1975) $24.95

help readers determine if home schooling is indeed a viable option in their case. It also includes an interesting final section, which gives voice to the author’s children and partner, to see how home schooling has affected their lives – and in the case of those home schooled – their career choices.

As the author comments early in the piece, no school has the capacity to “physically, mentally and spiritually look after hundreds of children.” And it’s for reasons such as these that many these days look to alternative teaching methods, be it schools such as Steiner and Montessori, or as the author calls it, “private, private education”. Home-schooling obviously isn’t for everyone. While the book is primarily going to connect with those that are planning, or considering, this option, there’s also food for thought for any parent contemplating their child’s future education.

SPECIAL offer Purchase a copy of Dr Sarah Lantz’s bestselling book and receive a FREE Miessence gift pack worth $30

Having taken a break from university and on her first trip to Europe as a young woman, Jean Liedloff, was presented with a seemingly once-in-alifetime opportunity, and given just 20 minutes to consider.

Impulsively – or instinctively – she accepted an invitation from two Italians to join a diamond-hunting expedition to Venezuela. It was a momentous decision. It would be the first of five trips to the South American jungle and the catalyst that would lead to her first book, The Continuum Concept.

The Continuum Concept evolved from Liedloff ’s time interacting, and observing, the Yequana and Sanema tribes. Her encounters impacted dramatically on her view of Western society, and in particular, Western methods of child-rearing. Perhaps the most salient of her observations was that the Yequana babies were carried at all times, from birth, until they walked freely. This, she believed, created a unique bond, and was a major reason why these groups were the happiest and most contented she had encountered. It would be the pivot on which she would base all her theories.

Liedloff has been called the ‘Godmother of attachment parenting’ and for many advocates, this is the book that probably started it all. The baby-carrying issue is just one element however of an extensive analysis and discussion of child-rearing from the womb onwards. Subsequent to writing this book, Liedloff spent many years working as a psychotherapist, and teaching and lecturing on the principles found here.

It’s an intriguing read, all the more so because of her first-hand experiences in the South American jungle.

Whether you’re a proponent of attachment parenting or not, Liedloff ’s theories are likely to leave you questioning at least some attitudes to both child-rearing and general individual contentment.

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Product Reviews: Vitamix $999.95

I was excited – I finally owned a sleek, high performance machine that was fire-engine red in colour and boasted extreme speed! No, it wasn’t a Ferrari, but the Vitamix ‘Total Nutrition Center’ certainly is the Ferrari of blenders.

I was hooked right out of the box – from the wide range of nutritious, mouth-watering whole-food delights promised by the accompanying Vitamix getting-started/recipe book to the obvious robustness of the components (backed by a 7 year warranty no less). And then I turned it on!

Within 5 minutes, I had effortlessly made a scrumptious vegetable and bacon soup. Then, within another 30 seconds, the machine was clean and ready to make glorious ‘guilt-free’ frozen yoghurt using frozen organic berries and natural yoghurt – all with the flick of a switch.

The Vitamix does it all – blending, juicing, shredding, grinding, heating, melting and freezing – perfect for someone like myself with limited space for appliances or for those who want to de-clutter their kitchen. Best of all, in the Vitamix, I have a new ‘health partner’ to help me maintain and improve the health of my precious family. www.petermcinnes.com.au

Breastfeeding Tea $13.95 (30 serves)

I have wondered for a long time whether ‘nursing teas’ (teas that are desiged to improve the quality and quantity of your milk supply) actually worked. I hadn’t bought any previously as there were so many different brands out there a they offer different combinations of herbs.

But I have now tried the Nursing Naturally, and I must say, I love the taste! The tea is made from a mixture of Fenugreek seed, Anise seed, Fennel seed, Caraway seed with Lemon Verbena Leaves.

It comes as loose tea, which I love as they also have a difusser available ($5.90) which when making the tea makes me feel like I’m having high tea every day!

If you are not a herbal tea drinker, it may take a few cups before you aquire the taste for the tea, but you will surely come to love the smooth, lemony taste. And the bonus is that, according to many natropaths, the herbs actually do increase the quality and quantity of your milk supply.

This is a product that would make a wonderful birth gift to give to a new mother, as we all know many new mothers are concerned about the quality and quantity of their breastmilk.

And, even if they do not need a boost in supply, it is a lovely way to relax and enjoy some quite time while the baby sleeps! They also have 10% off - Simply quote code: NURTURESPRING www.nursingnaturally.com.au

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Wild Woolies Hobby Horse $120.00

I remember as a child having a hobby horse that I would ride around for hours. When I received this Wild Woolles Hobby Horse memories flooded back. But my hobby horse was nothing like Wild Woolies.

There is nothing unnatural about these Wild Woolies either! They are made with 100% silk & pure Merino, Corriedale wool &/ or alpaca cria, hand felted by Wild Woolies owner, Sam. Their manes are 100% pure wool and they are also firmly stuffed with wool. They are securely fastened to a smooth sanded hardwood dowl & finished with non-toxic Orange oil (so no splinters on little hands). They stand around 1 metre in height and weight a little over a kilo. The quality truely is second to none.

And the best part is that they custom make the hobby horses. That means that you get to choose your child’s favourite colours!

Since getting the Woolie, William (2 years old) rides it around the house and takes it outside around the yard. It has had a bit of outside wear on it, but the felt is easily spot cleaned.

If you are after a toy that encourages imaginative play, yet still want natural materials for your child, this is the toy to get! www.etsy.com/au/shop/masajesaf

Harmony Cards $35.00

Virtues and values can be something that we think of in broad terms. However, it can be difficult to know exactly which virtues and values you wish to develop in your child.

That is where Harmony Cards step in! They are a set of 30 double sided cards that individually look at a particular virtue or value. The areas that the cards look at are Acceptance, Cleanliness, Compassion, Confidence, Cooperation, Creativity, Encouragement, Enthusiasm, Excellence, Fairness, Flexibility, Forgiveness, Freedom, Friendliness, Generosity, Gentleness, Gratitude, Happiness, Independence, Kindness, Love, Optimism, Patience, Peacefulness, Persistence, Purpose, Respect, Tact, Togetherness and Trust.

On the back of each card, it has a few positive statements related to the virtue and then a question. For example, on the Respect card, the positive statements are “I care for people and our planet; I listen to others and appreciate their stories; I care for Mother Earth; I reuse, reduce and recycle; I respect people’s property and privacy”. It then has the question “How do I choose respect?”

It is a great activitiy for you to be involved with too. You can sit down with your children and discuss one virtue each day and discuss how it can be applied in your day to day activities. Great bonding and individual development product! www.kidsinharmony.com.au

Excalibur 5 Tray Food Dehydrator

Peace, Love and Vegetable Superkraut Sauerkraut

Choosing a food dehydrator can be tricky. They all come in different sizes, shapes and designs of where the heating is located. When I received the dehydrator I was a little surprised at the size of the machine, however quickly found a place for it!

The first thing I made was semi-dried tomatos. I was so excited I bought 3kgs of them and cut them up! Even then, as the trays are so big, it only went on 2 trays! I still had 3 trays to go! It was great how many it made and was my first introduction to the money that can be saved by having a dehydrator. The second part of the money saving comes from dehydrating food that is left over from the weeks shopping. Apples, tomatos, pears, anything really can be cut up and dehydrated for snacks.

For a first time dehydrator’er(!) I found it really simple to use. I chose the food type on one knob and put the timer on ~ which stopped it automatically at the end of that time. Also, when looking around at others on the market, the one thing that stands out with the Excalibur is that the heat source and fan are at the back of the shelves instead of beneath them ~ this allows the hot air blowing across the shelves, therefore eliminating the need for tray rotation, which is very common with other brands.

Eating probiotic foods is a great way to improve digestive function. If you are wanting to get started on gut health, this is the product to buy!

The fermented sauerkraut is made of cabbage, BED lactobacillus Culture Starter and then mixed with different ingredients depending on the flavour you buy. I have had the pleasure of trying the Dill, Green and Kim Chi. Each of them have a unique flavour that, if you don’t like at first, will definitely grow on you!

What makes this Sauerkraut different from others you may have seen or bought is that these are: • Organic - uses only certified organic ingredients • Raw - increases the active enzymes sauerkraut is known for • Unpasteurised, no heat treatment - increases active enzymes • Probiotic Rich - feeds your stomach and intestine’s good bacteria, essential to assimilate nutrients from food • Gluten and Vinegar Free

$390.00 (5 tray with timer)

www.excaliburaust.com

Bug Off Spray by My Gypsy Child $29.95

I hate mosquitos, but more than mosquitos, I hate the sprays that you buy at the shop. The odor is so strong and who knows what is really in the ingredients (especially when they advise against using on young children!).

Well, I have now found a wonderful insect repellant that I can use and I can put on my 2 year old son. The Bug Off spray is made from natural spring water, Organic soybean oil, organic neem leaf extract, organic witch hazel extract, natural vitamin E oil, organic soya lecithin and the following organic essential oils: tea tree, citronella, lemongrass, eucalyptus and peppermint. Essentially, it is made from 100% natural ingredients with no synthetic chemicals!

With all those essential oils, it is helpful to know that it actually has a lovely eucalyptus smell and is not oily on the skin!

Now, this is not the first natural insect repellant I have used.

I have tried a few others, but none have seemed to work or have only worked for a few minutes before needing to reapply. But this one is different. I have found that it effectively repels insects for at least an hour without the need to reapply.

(Please note it is recommended for use on babies from 6 months)

www.mygypsychild.com.au

$15.95 (680g Jar)

This means that not only are they a great way to assist your digestive system, they are great for overall health and taste great too! www.www.facebook.com/pages/Peace-Love-Vegetables

Superfoods For Kidz $39.95 300g

William, my 2 year old, is not a great eater. He eats anything (including olives, sundried tomatos etc), but only when he feels like it! So when I came across Superfoods for Kidz, I thought my prayers of getting some quality food into him in a fun way were answered!

We had the pleasure of trying the Berry Choc Chunk powder and the SuperFood Bars. The bars are a great size to use as snacks ~ and William loved them! As for the Berry Choc Chunk powder, you can either mixed with milk (of your choice), water or juice or sprinkled onto yogurt or other foods such as porridge.

Surprisingly, the Berry Choc Chunk really does have chunks of chocolate in it, but you can rest easy as it is actually cacao chunks! The ingredients in it are certified organic single origin (fair trade) cacao, agave, coconut sugar, cacao nibs, himalayan crystal salt, and lumps of cacao chunks. It is also fortified with Acai berry, Blue berry, Black berry, Raspberry, Cranberry, Goji berry, Beetroot, Mango and calcium citrate.

So with all that goodness in it, each mouthful William drank, as a mum I had a smile, knowing that each mouthful was packed full of goodness. www.nutraorganics.com.au

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Ask our Experts If you have any questions for Arnaum Walkley, please send them to

asknurture@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

My 2 year old is suddenly being shy and uncooperative when it comes to saying hello to people. Even with people he has met before and likes. He refuses to hug and kiss people when we greet them, or give any eye contact. Is this normal, I get so embarrassed and I am concerned that people, even relatives will think he has bad manners. Should I force him to be social able or ignore this behaviour as a passing phase?

A

I remember times during my childhood when my parents expected me to kiss and hug older people who always seemed to smell funny, and had hairy wrinkly faces. Reluctantly I would obey to keep the peace. Yes, it gave pleasure to old Aunties and Uncles, but it felt false, and I remember not feeling respected or acknowledged about how I felt. Surely a shake of hands would have done.

Young children are very honest about their feelings and will not hide behind social niceties. I remember my eldest son at 4 asking his obese grandmother ‘why she was so fat’. I was very embarrassed, but it was a fair question. I decided not to embarrass him by berating him in front of his Grandmother, we left the room and I quietly sat with him and we talked about how people have different feelings. I have always felt that it is an adult’s responsibility to be the grown up, push their egos aside and put the child first, his Grandmother was fine. I feel the same applies when a child withholds their affections; a needy adult will only repel the child.

This is a very healthy, normal part of a child’s development, an opportunity to learn about discernment and trusting their intuition. As our toddlers mature they experiment with adult’s reactions to their behaviour, this is how they learn. Also they are more aware of their personal space, likes and dislikes. It can also be as simple as your child is on a mission, is busy and distractions are not welcome.

Imagine being coerced into hugging and kissing someone you either did not know, smelt funny or frightened you with their overbearing behaviour. Hiding behind Mum or Dad’s legs sounds like a safe option. Naturally we desire that our children are polite and thoughtful to others, but at 2, that is a big expectation. As children mature they have plenty of opportunities to hone their social skills.

Often it is not the person, that causes them to pull back, but their fine sensitivity to scent and energy, their perfume could be too strong or they may be a smoker. Children are also sensitive to other people’s nervousness and anxiety, when they sense this they may go into ‘fight and flight response, which is a

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very primal healthy response. Why would they allow someone in their space who they do not trust or feel safe with?

Children also get embarrassed especially when their feelings are not acknowledged. For instance when a parent tells the other person their child is ‘shy’, to save face, this is not helpful to the child’s self esteem. If we tell our children they are shy, they will behave accordingly as they do their best to meet our expectations.

At two years there is plenty of time to learn how to deal with well meaning adults. Allow your little one the time he needs to adjust to situations and people. He will form his own special relationships in time. If he withdraws from someone he was cuddly with previously, be patient he may return with affection when he is ready. Sitting on the floor and offering to read a book or play, is an invitation to your child to come in close and share affection if they choose. Children love to experiment; this is how they learn whether it is with toys or people, how you and others react will affect your child’s response.

Arnaum Walkley is a counsellor, parenting coach and accredited NLP Practitioner. Arnaum runs Parenting Solutions which provides practical effective solutions for everyday parenting problems.