Nurture Parenting Magazine - Issue #5

photo: {Nurtu red}

by Jen

Contents Physical Development

Cover

42 Waldorf Dolls: Why the Difference?

By Connie Grawert

49 Learning an Instrument: A Guide

By Tara Hashambhoy

66 A Carrier for All Occasions

By Anne McEwan

68 Superfoods for Super Healthy Kids

By Lisa Guy

72 Everyday Fermenting: When Food Goes Bad But Stays So Good

By Dr Sarah Lantz

Emotional Development 6 Love Bombing: How to Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat

By Oliver James

22 Problem Solving 101: Lifelong Skills Begin in Toddlerhood

By Bonnie Harris

26 Big Age Gaps: Preparing Tweens and Teens for the New Arrival

By Claire Eaton

28 Sibling Attachments: How Strong Relationships Between Siblings Develop

By Kelly Bartlett

34 Raising a Child on the Autism Spectrum

By Dr Pamala Seaton

46 How To Get The Kids Out The Door On Time And Still Feel Connected

By Rachel Schofield

Intellectual Development

Spiritual 14 Making Home A Stress-Free Zone

By Patrice Thomas

50 Nurturing Peacefulness

By Kerry Spina

Mum and Dad’s Development 9 To Be A Nurturing Parent

By Christina Fletcher

52 Doulas: Guiding Couples as they Navigate the Transition to Parenthood

By Kristin Bechedahl

58 Breathing in New Life

By Allison Davies

62 Breastfeeding: To Infinity & Beyond?

By Robyn Noble

Regular Features 4 Your Letters & Photos 5 Ask Our Expert 32 Your Story 13 Adventures with Sam

By Sam Smith

31 Beyond Birth

By Julia Jones

37 Dad’s Corner

By Johnny Pillinger

45 Activity Time

By Emily Filmore

10 Magical Child

75 What’s Cooking?

20 Did You Know You Had A Science Laboratory In Your House?

76 Organic Gardening:

By Jenny England

By Eva Nislev

38 Finding The ‘Education’ In Educational Apps For Children Kathy Hirsh-Pasek and Roberta Michnick Golinkoff

40 Home Schooling: An Alternaive To Mainstream Education

By Beverley Paine

By Artisian Wholefoods

By Claire Bickle

78 Book Reviews

by Sharon Dowley

80 Product Reviews 81 Directory

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Editor’s Letter I’ve been thinking lately about the time we had William looked after (I don’t think I like the word ‘babysat’!) by my sister when he was 4 months old. It was the first (and one of the only) time we have left him with someone else. But this one night, 18 months ago, we were going to the theatre to see Mary Poppins. I remember that for weeks before I was working myself up to leaving him. It was only a few hours, but it seemed like it would be a lifetime.

As any other first time parent, I had it all worked out! I would get William to sleep before we left. Well, that worked out in accordance with the plan. My sister came over at 6pm and William had just gone to sleep.

I told her that William would arouse for milk at around 9pm, so heat the bottle of expressed breastmilk at around 8:45pm, then just lie down next to him in bed and feed it to him (we cosleep). I then explained that if he wakes up fully, let him finish the bottle and then put him in the baby carrier as he will go straight back to sleep.

So, all instructions were given and we went off to the theatre. I was quite nervous leaving given it was the first time we had gone out alone since William was born. But I was coping pretty well!

But then it all changed at interval …

I called my sister to see how everything was going. Well … she told me that William was awake and didn’t want to go back to sleep. She explained that she was feeding him the bottle but that it leaked all over him, so she had to change his clothes. Then he did not want to sleep in the baby carrier, so he was up playing with his cousins. She said that he was happy and not upset at all.

I got off the phone and started stressing.

This had never happened before; William was a baby that had never woken during the night to play – not even as

a newborn. I worked myself up that much that I could not enjoy the rest of the show.

I then called when the show had finished and he was still awake. That was over an hour later! What was going on? At the time, it seemed like the worst night of my parenting journey.

We raced back to the car to get home as quickly as we could. I had to get home quickly because I was worried about … well, that’s the thing, what was I worried about? William was happy and playing with his cousins ~ he was not upset, not anxious … that isn’t something to be worried about is it?

Looking back now, I realise that it was silly to be upset or worried that he was awake. What harm did it do? In fact, it was probably a good thing as he got to spend some time with his Aunt and cousins.

I guess where I’m going with this is that as parents we tend to worry about things that really have no consequence. Some of us get so uptight about the most trivial of things ~ like our child’s sleep. Sometimes I think that we really need to take a step back and ask ourselves ~ at the end of the day, does x really matter? If I had asked myself that on that night I’m sure I would have been able to enjoy the second half of the show.

So, I have been working on how to deal with these types of thoughts so that I can enjoy life more fully (as ‘worrying’ is never restricted to parenting!). So far, I have found that the best technique for me is to step outside of the situation for a moment.

Imagine yourself as a silent observer ~ or even you looking back in a years time. Then ask yourself: 1. What is the worst thing that can happen?

2. How likely is it that the ‘worst’ will happen?

3. What is the best thing that could happen?

4. Is x going to affect my child for the rest of their life?

5. And my favourite: Will I laugh about this (or be so upset) in years to come?

The answers to these questions have helped me to be able to ‘go with the flow’ and enjoy life with a lot more ease!

As Mark Twain famously said: “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.”

Kristy Pillinger, Editor

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Issue Contributors

Kelly Bartlett, Kristin Beckedahl, Claire Bickle, Allison Davies, Sharon Dowley, Claire Eaton, Jenny England, Emily Filmore, Christina Fletcher, Connie Grawert, Lisa Guy, Bonnie Harris, Tara Hashambhoy, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Oliver James, Julia Jones, Dr. Sarah Lantz, Anne McEwan, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Eva Nislev, Robyn Noble, Beverley Paine, Rachel Schofield, Dr. Pamela Seaton, Sam Smith, Kerry Spina, and Arnaum Walkley.

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Your Letters What a timely relief to read your interview with Dr Sears. “Attachment parenting is an investment for the future”. Thank goodness! We have a very active and spirited 17 month old. We live in a community where we are not surrounded by other attached parents.

Some days it feels so hard and like everyone else is finding parenting so easy with soundly sleeping babies. We continue on without controlled crying

and without ever being apart from our bub. We co-sleep, we baby wear and we respond sensitivly to her dislike of the car, and of the high chair and the stroller and of sitting still in general! Don’t get me wrong, she is a delight and we love her to bits but on a bad tired day we need reminding about the future. It is reassuring to know that it will pay off ... someday!

Janiece

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asknurture@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Q

I find I am yelling at my children far more than I would like. I seem to lose my temper so easily; I don’t feel heard or acknowledged. I love and adore our 6 and 4 year olds, they are great, but after I ask them to do things several times they just ignore me. I do realise I am not doing much for myself anymore as I am so dedicated to being the best Mum I can be. How do I control my temper and communicate well with my kids so they listen and I do not feel like an ogre

A

Being heard and acknowledged is so important for our self esteem. It is right up there on the top of the list with ‘love’. I hear your frustration; creating some clear boundaries and using the way you communicate will help. Following are suggestions to assist in making positive changes.

• Specific instructions will help your children hear you better, after the second request children will shut off, they usually do hear you the first time.

• Tone and volume of voice is crucial in creating successful communication.

• Yelling is intimidating and a child will go into a flight or fight reaction and become upset and this may result in rebellious behaviour.

As you mention, yelling at children usually results in the parent beating themselves up, not a positive learning situation.

When you ask for your child’s co operation:

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• Speak respectfully, be an example of how you expect them to speak to you and others.

• Ask them to repeat back to you what you have said. In their own words is fine.

• A calm, slower, deeper tone of voice with the intent of assertiveness works well.

• A loving, firm ‘serious’ voice.

• If you feel frustration building do your best to take a breath, (breathing is very important), let your body relax and lower your tone and volume.

• Your body language and eye contact while communicating with your child, or anyone else, is crucial in the total expression of your verbal message.

However, if your children decide to become hearing challenged after giving them an instruction, and you are suddenly invisible to them, here are some positive actions to create successful communication: • When talking to a child to be at their eye level, it is less intimidating

• A gentle touch on their shoulder will help get their attention.

• Ask the child to listen to you with their ears and their eyes. Creating eye contact stimulates parts of the brain that set of different Neurotransmitters helping us to retain information.

• The eyes are the window to the soul, and also show what is happening emotionally for our children.

• Thank them for being a good listener.

In terms of the words to use, I believe that what you say is what you get. As such, focus on creating clear, loving messages, using empowering language. Create the outcome you desire, focus on what you do want instead of what you don’t. Then practice, practice, practice.

It is important to remember that children can only be reasoned with when they are in a reasonable state. Timing is everything. If they are in a tantrum, teaching them how to do things differently next time can only be achieved when they are calm, feel safe and loved. The same applies to you, if you are about to ‘loose it’ remove yourself from the situation for a few moments and breathe deeply, and imagine a peaceful scene that is calming to you.

Positive affirmations also help parents in a situation where our emotions get the better of us. For example: “I always do my best to speak to my family, calmly and respectfully.” You may choose to share with your child how to use affirmations. Being a role model, you too are learning and walking your talk, not just “do as I say, but do as I do”.

Also make time to fill your own cup; it is vital in any healthy relationship. We have more to give when we feel satisfied. It is not selfish; a walk, going to the gym or a coffee with the girls, you deserve it. Consider the safety procedure on a plane; always put your oxygen mask on first then you are able to help your child.

But, at the end of the day, we are all human and constantly learning and being challenged on many levels. When we have out of control moments because of anger and frustration we resort to using sarcasm and insults. There is always an opportunity to apologise as soon as calm has been restored.

Apologising sets a wonderful example to our children in practicing compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

Arnaum Walkley is a counsellor, parenting coach and accredited NLP Practitioner. Arnaum runs Parenting Solutions which provides practical effective solutions for everyday parenting problems.

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Love Bombing:

How to Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat Like adults, kids can sometimes get hard to handle. Or sometimes, they may just be acting differently, whether it is at school or at home. Oliver James has devleoped what he calls ‘Love Bombing’ to help your child get back on track

Photos: Depositphotos

In March

2010 I draws up a list. It doesn’t matter if that to make at the outset is the length of received includes lots of watching Sponge Bob time you will spend in the zone and the an email from Miranda, a very worried Squarepants: the key is that it is your frequency. At one extreme, you can take mother. She wrote that her son Tim, child who has chosen it. your child away from the family home then 9, ‘seems to not like himself and has Throughout the experience, you are for a couple of nights at a hotel or bed & no focus. He says he hates himself and trying, as much as possible, to give them breakfast (or rent a cheap campervan, as that he’s rubbish at everything’. A bright the feeling of ‘whatever I want, I get’ – one mother did). boy, he refused to do his homework and a very unusual one of being in control Alternatively, as many parents have was prone to temper tantrums. and of being gratified, as well as bombed done, the rest of your family can spend The solution that I proposed is called with love. the weekend with relatives or friends, Love Bombing, a method I developed You may be thinking, “Are you mad? leaving you at home with your child. to reset the emotional thermostats of My child is already a tyrant – rewarding There is absolutely no necessity to spend children aged 3 to puberty. It entails a him like that is just going to make it even any money to do Love Bombing. Many period of time alone with your child, worse!” This is quite understandable. parents have done a day away from offering him or her unlimited love and Love Bombing seems to fly in the face home, or just bursts of a few hours. control. It works for a wide variety of of conventional wisdom, which often In the case of Miranda and her common problems, severe or mild, recommends more control, not less, depressed son Tim, as a dual-income from defiant, even violent aggression, to when a child is not complying, and family, they could afford two nights shyness, trouble sleeping or away at a cheap hotel. ‘[Love Bombing] works for a wide variety of underperformance They settled in there common problems, severe or mild, from defiant, even on the Friday night at school.

This is not the same violent aggression, to shyness, trouble sleeping or and set off into town as ‘quality time’, just hanging out with underperformance at school’ on the Saturday. Much of the time was your child. When you Love Bomb, you stricter, firmer reactions to undesirable spent just wandering around, a certain create a special emotional zone wholly behaviour. amount of shopping and a visit to an different from your normal life, with But the point is the Love Bomb zone aquarium. new rules. Over 100 families have now is separate from ordinary life. Out of Miranda recalled that just this day tried it, nearly all with positive results. that zone, you continue trying to set “made Tim feel very special, it definitely It has spread virally on the internet (not boundaries, consistently and firmly. In worked. I realise not everyone can afford to be confused with the Love Bombing fact, the Love Bombing experience will a hotel and shopping. And anyway, when done by cults!). feed back in a very benign way, greatly it came to spending money, Tim was So, how exactly does it work? First, reducing the amount of time you spend reasonable about absolutely everything, you explain to your child that sometime imposing limits, nagging and nattering much to my surprise.” Children who feel soon, the two of you are going to spend – the “Don’t do that”, “I’ve told you loved are less consumption-obsessed. time together and are going to have a lot before, put that down”, “Leave your sister After a peaceful Saturday night back of fun. Your child is going to decide what alone” into which all parents get sucked in the hotel with KFC and The X Factor, they want and when they want it, within sometimes. And it’s worth doing with on Sunday they pottered around again, reason. You give the message that this almost any child, even happy ones will did some more shopping and visited a is going to be a Big Event: It’s Coming benefit. zoo on the way home.

Soon – How Exciting! Your child then A key practical decision you need As well as Tim feeling in control www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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during this time, there was much affection expressed. Miranda recalls that “Tim spent a great deal of time cuddling up to me and telling me how much he loved me (always reciprocated).

It was interesting for me not to be in charge. I do tend to lead.

Here, it really was mostly Tim’s decision what we did next, what we ate and what we watched on TV.” In the guidelines I offer for Love Bombing, I suggest getting the child to give the experience a name before doing it, like ‘Special Time’ or ‘Mummy Time’. Often it helps for them to have got a material object to remind them of the experience, like a stone from a beach or a teddy. Using this and the name to help as prompts, on returning, parents are asked to try and carve out half an hour an evening when they can briefly reenter the Love Bomb zone together, even if it’s only to watch some TV. Miranda has two other children and for various reasons that proved difficult. Instead, she says, “I give Tim random bits of time and have recently taken to holding and cuddling him like a baby and even saying to him “you’re my baby boy and I love you”.’ You have to customise the method to suit your circumstances and the problems you and your child are handling.

The impact of the Love Bombing weekend was immediate and dramatic. Five weeks afterwards, Miranda wrote to me that “overall he is happier. He still has tantrums, but since the weekend away I haven’t heard him say that he hates himself at all - not once, come to think of it.” 18 months later, she reported that “It is getting better largely due to the Love Bombing and subsequent changes in our relationship.”

I have had very similar reports of sustained success – followed up one to two years after the Love Bombing - from parents helping children with violent aggression, myriad anxiety problems, Attention Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), sleeplessness, perfectionism and even autism.

In many cases, I suspect that the experience stabilises levels of the fight-flight hormone, Cortisol. If too high, the child can be manic or aggressive or anxious, if too low, - blunted - the child may be listless or surly.

Even a brief experience of love and control seems to correct that. Recent evidence suggests that children are far more plastic than was once thought and that the way they are is not fixed, is largely not in our genes for the vast majority of problems.

The Love Bombing zone need not be a whole weekend. For instance, in the case of three-year old Sam, he seemed a lot more sensitive than his younger brother, easily overwhelmed by simple situations. Sometimes he would melt down in toddlerlike rages. He got very jumpy when separated from his mother, Emma. She said that “in the house, he wants to know where I am all the time.” If she was upstairs and he was downstairs he would scream asking her whereabouts.

For practical reasons, she planned two consecutive Love Bombing Saturdays away from home with him, rather than a night. The first was named Pirate Day by him because they went to a funfair. He adored feeling in control and the expressions

of love.

As recommended by my protocol of what to do, she told him that she loved him repeatedly. Initially, she made a point of looking at her watch every fifteen minutes or so and then telling him. Once into the habit, she just continued.

Since that day they found it easier to frequently express love. She believes they now have “much, much better communication.” She also says “It was good fun, a great day that reminded us of the good times that we can have together, setting us back on that track. It was a truly lovely day.” Often it is not just the child’s thermostat that is corrected, it is also the parent’s in relation to the child. After Love Bombing many parents report feeling it has been the first time for months or years when they remembered how much they love them.

For Sam, the second day was based at home and included a complete meltdown by him. It is extremely common during Love Bombing for the child to test out if the parent is for real - really loves them or will still love them if they are horrible.

Emma rode it out and they emerged much closer.

Afterwards, she reported that “He has not had any unreachable tantrums since that one on the last Love Bombing day, four weeks ago.” What is more, his fear of not knowing where she is in the house has disappeared.

Whatever the child’s actual age, it can help to think of them as an 18-month-old when in the Love Bombing zone. Parents have reported that their child has brief periods during the Love Bombing when they actually revert to being like a toddler, cuddling and even using baby talk. This is exactly what you are aiming for. You are trying to give them the chance to go back to earlier periods, but this time it is really, really good: they feel totally safe, loved and in control.

Many parents have shown great ingenuity in adapting the method to their circumstances or problems. For example, fouryear-old Jeff was having terrible temper tantrums, sometimes directed against his two-year-old sister. His mother Carole introduced twice or thrice weekly Time In Charge Sessions, as Jeff named them. These entailed Carole being led in play by Jeff.

A basic game was running races which mummy had to join in with, holding the baby, charging round the room. However, by far the majority of the time was taken up with fantasy play.

Some were open-ended scenarios, in which imaginary babies would transform into fishes and back again. More commonly, there would be specific narratives that progressed according to his script, sometimes dream-like. He particularly enjoyed Disasters, like sinking ships, with his mother and daughter employed in a variety of supporting roles.

The impact of this version of Love Bombing was dramatic.

Carole reported that “Immediately after we started the play sessions the temper tantrums stopped. There were just no incidents any more of a significant nature. That has been true for 3 months now.”

However you do Love Bombing there is nothing to lose.

What’s not to like about spending some time having fun with your child? If it transforms them and your relationship, so much the better, but the worst that can happen is you return from the zone having had a good time.

Oliver James trained as a clinical psychologist, His book Love Bombing – Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat is published by Karnac Books

To Be A Nurturing Parent We all love our children. We all want the best for our children. We all want to be the best parent we can be. In this column, Christina Fletcher examines what it means to her to be a ‘Nurturing’ Parent

Nurture - what a wonderful word to use for a parent. We often say we ‘raise’ children or simply ‘have’ them. But to nurture suggests we take part in something so much greater.

To be a nurturing parent inspires the concept to encourage and to assist, but not to control. It is to nourish our children with more than food, but with support, encouragement and trust in their own inner strength and spiritual journey. It is to treat them with consistent and loving care, holding their hand, but not directing their course. A nurtured child feels loved, free, safe, and with space to grow all at the same time.

The image of nurturing plants as they grow from seeds seems apt. The gardener who controls their garden, who tries to be in charge of how it should look, and how it should grow, and reacts with frustration when a plant doesn’t turn out how the gardener wants, is destined to have a black thumb. To nurture a garden, and a child, is to trust in its own inner nature and to provide the tools for this to shine through. It is to not be fearful or worried about how the journey will progress, but to enjoy the moment to moment experience, to relish each growth and milestone, to savour in each new blossom and to sit back in sweet satisfaction and awe of its beauty when the plant is grown.

How easy it is to forget the moment to moment growth of our children, and our family. We bog ourselves down with

Photo: Nurturing Mum, Karah, with her daughter Bonnie

‘If it transforms them and your relationship, so much the better, but the worst that can happen is you return from the zone having had a good time’

details and focus on a happy future. Meanwhile our babies and children live in the moment, and naturally enjoying each new discovery and adventure that their nature casts their way. We as parents, often feel inclined to interrupt their flow, with our worry about consequences and in doing so put a blanket over our young seedlings, blocking them from the sun. To nurture them, doesn’t mean we let them control the situation and run wild but to appreciate each playful moment and seize its passion, sometimes distracting their focus onto something of equal joy but with safe and creative alternatives. At our own core, we naturally want to take part in this pure fun and it is by nurturing each new moment for our children that they are empowered to follow their own natural calling. A child is always happier playing creatively and sharing with the people they love rather than running around in circles wondering what they should do next.

A nurturing parent offers tools and opportunities to enable our children to experience the best of moments, not leave them entirely to their own devices.

When we savour a moment with our children and let the feeling of appreciation for that moment flood over us, we nurture and nourish ourselves to our core as well. Although some may see it as a selfish endeavour, it is by letting ourselves glow with the joy of each moment that our inner light can shine through and our children are nurtured with its rays. Thus, a cycle of nurturing is created. With taking the moments with our children, to savour and enjoy them, we nurture ourselves; in turn our children are re-nourished by the mere energy of their parents tapping into the in-the-moment joy that our children know so well. They then feel free to offer a whole version of themselves, giving us more to appreciate and round and round it goes. When riding this wheel of joy, a parent will always instinctually know what course to take, and how to nurture the following moment, and the next, creating a happy parenthood and childhood alike.

Christina Fletcher is an author and consultant on Spiritually Aware Parenting. Her current books Who They Really Are: a guide to being a spiritually aware parent from conception to age two and Moments for a spiritually aware parent: a book of inspiring passages for the busy parent, are available through Amazon or through her website www.spirituallyawareparenting.com

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au | 11

Magical Child “Childhood is the world of miracle and magic. It is as if creation rose luminously out of the night, all new and fresh and astounding.”

Eugene Ionesco, Present Past/Past Present

o n l y the ability to conceptualise the world soughing of the trees” (Valerie Andrews, two but around them with logic and abstraction. from A Passion for this Earth) is the somehow Terry had managed to use a Even then, as they slowly head towards means to that end. chair to climb up high enough to reach their teens and their command of Joseph Chiltern Pearce, in his wellmy workshop workbench. He had found language and their cognitive skills grow, respected 1977 book, Magical Child some nails and there he was, quietly their imagination continues to stimulate differentiates between imitative play hammering two rough pieces of wood and create stories that give meaning to and fantasy play. He describes imitative together. He seemed very contented events and relationships in their life. play as play where a child copies others To a child between the ages of two in order to learn family tasks (such as indeed.

“What on earth are you up to?” I and about seven or so, the world is a washing or cooking or setting the table asked with surprise when I found him. miraculous place: everything in their for dinner etc). This type of play leads “I’m building a spaceship,” he casually daily lives - just happens - as if by magic. to a number of basic skills required in replied. “Looking good!” I say, quickly Everything is new and exciting and daily life. Fantasy play (or what is more adding “I’ve got some more bits of wood begs to be explored. Even the smallest commonly referred to as make-believe) in the box in the corner if you want to things (often unnoticed by an adult) on the other hand, Pearce describes as like a dripping tap or a fly on the wall a child’s way of developing creativity, make some spacemen to go with it”.

These are the moments, as precarious or a few bubbles floating in the air can empathy and problem-solving as they might appear at first, that ‘In our rush to introduce them to the skills. It is play that is a need to be encouraged intricate technological world of the twenty- means to explore who they in our families as first century we often forget that the main are as little developing unstructured imaginative occupation of magical children is developing individuals. play like this is the serious their imagination, a sense of who they are as In a make-believe work of childhood. individuals through all kinds of self initiated world a child can be the Exploring, learning to hero or heroine and enjoy unstructured play. take a little initiative, copying others and the experience of making things using the imagination to make things are stimulate their imagination and amaze happen, if only in their imagination. If the main ingredients of play. The innate them. Anyone watching a child at play some violence appears in the fantasy, ability of a child to see a few blocks of will see how passionately they embrace it is likely that it has surfaced in an wood as a spaceship can also lead you everything they do. With little past to attempt to address and take control to wonder where all those plastic toys reflect on and little understanding yet of of something they are afraid of. Susan stored neatly in the cupboard fit in. We what the future is, their reality is firmly Linn, a psychologist who works all know the story of the child who had embedded in the present moment. with children using fantasy play and more fun playing with the cardboard Exploration is the goal. Play and ‘that the Director of the Campaign for a box that it came in, than with his new magical capacity to move among the Commercial Free Childhood, writes in expensive remote-controlled Christmas many eras of the earth; to see the land The Case for Make Believe: Saving Play as an animal does; to see the sky from in a Commercialised World: “It’s not toy.

Children are the masters of creativity the perspective of a flower or bee: to feel my goal to impose resolutions on the and imagination and both are activated the earth quiver and breathe beneath fantasy situations children create when very early. It is how young children us; to know a hundred different smells we play together but rather to help interpret their lives until they develop of mud and listen unconsciously to the them find their way through – and in

12 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Photo: John Houltham

He was

the process enable them to experience themselves as powerful, competent and creative human beings.” So fantasy play is considered to be extremely important in early childhood for lots of reasons.

It was proposed, according to Dr Evan Kidd’s research conducted at La Trobe University in 2009, that up to 65% of children have imaginary friends before the age of eight. These were found to be either an imaginary person or an inanimate object that is given human qualities. It is not fully understood why this occurs but Dr Kidd’s research suggests that many imaginary friends are created usually by first born children to be the ‘perfect playmate.’ Not surprisingly the research also discovered that children with imaginary friends spend more time engaged in fantasy play.

Dr Kidd also found that the long lasting benefits, after the imaginary friend has disappeared (usually by the time they start school), are that these children have better communication skills; more empathy and higher levels of creativity.

They are also more likely to become high achievers later in life.

Children dream and often have nightmares just like adults. Nightmares

might scare a young child but dreams can also be great sources for imaginative ideas or the expression of hopes for their future lives. Daydreams (once known as reverie) are also important.

Daydreaming usually involves fantasies of future scenarios or reminiscences of past experiences. It was once considered a waste of time but more recently it has been found that when daydreaming, which allows the mind to wander a bit, actually improves thinking, creativity and imagination.

So here we are again, back to that sticky question of toys. The best toys (proposed by most childhood experts and experienced mums) are those that aid the development of basic skills or those that stimulate creativity and the imagination. Toys that are, according to Susan Linn, ‘10% toy and 90% child.’ Let me translate - low tech, low cost (homemade/handmade perhaps) and simple. Some suggestions might include:1. Toys that encourage physical activity and the development of hand/eye co-ordination. Playing with balls, is of course, as old as time. Start with balloons and as they grow and can

throw and catch add a bat (or two).

Then gradually they can learn one of the many ball games organised in their school or community.

2. Toys that challenge and promote cognitive development. Toddlers enjoy threading beads, colour sorting and shape recognition. Most children also love puzzles and these can easily be made from copies of their favourite pictures glued to cardboard and cut out. Bought puzzles (often found in Op-shops) can be shared

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Photos Rebecca Anne & Carly Maree Photography

or swapped with friends once they are outgrown. Stories are essential both for language development and use of the imagination. Fairy stories are great and today’s children still love them! So you can read to them or make some stories up together.

3. Toys that enhance unstructured play. There are dolls, puppets (easy to make with sock or timber off-cuts), building blocks, dress-ups, play dough and the traditional sandpit or large tub of water full of old kitchen utensils (and some cars or boats).

4. Many of the current electronic gadgets like your home computer and iPads have access to a vast collection of free games and activities for young children. Some promote imaginative play so consider allowing them to play those only after some careful consideration if they really can’t resist them.

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However, it is a mistake to believe that magical children always need computerised gadgets and even basic toys. I once saw a wonderful photo – a young girl’s face covered in mud - it read ‘the best toys in life are free’. There are all sorts of simple things to occupy them that foster curiosity and the development of the imagination. Exploring the backyard, looking for insects or collecting fascinating stones, flowers, leaves, pine cones can be just as much fun as a trip to an amusement park. Activities like simple cooking, drawing or cutting out bits of paper or making cardboard sculptures or planting some seeds and watching them grow will always entertain them. Older children will be mesmerised by simple science projects that include magnets, a kaleidoscope, a zoetrope (an early animation machine), a microscope or a telescope (there is nothing more magical than exploring the night sky).

In our rush to introduce them to the intricate technological world of the twenty-first century we often forget that the main occupation of magical children is developing their imagination, a sense of who they are as individuals through all kinds of self initiated unstructured play. And it is also well to remember that children of all ages, just like us, also need patches of silence and stillness to simply rest, relax and reflect.

Last of all: Terry, the two-year old I mentioned at the beginning of this article? He is now 29 years-old and a busy graphic designer teaching himself to write fiction in his spare time. Apart from the many hours he still spends daydreaming, he’s doing fine.

Jenny England has a Social Science degree and a lifetime involvement in children’s services both professionally and as a parent. She has worked as a journalist and freelance writer for over thirty years. Now Jenny is using her retirement years to write sci-fi stories for children when she is not spending time with her grandkids

Adventures With Sam:

LA JOURNEE DE LA MERES! We’ve all heard of the television show Some mothers do ave ‘em.

On Mothers’ Day in Sam’s house, however, perhaps it’s the children who ave ‘em!

There’s a tradition in our family and because of it I annually offend the French. They don’t deserve it and are, in all likelihood, quite oblivious to it. Nonetheless, my yearly poorly-accented mutterings at their expense takes place in our kitchen on the second Sunday in May and this year I involved children in my soft taunts. Perhaps I should explain…

Every year, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, wife (Audrey…

I feel I must name her) and all their partners and children are treated to a French banquet at our house. During its creation, I play and sing to Edith Pfaff and assault the sensibilities of all in earshot. The difference this year was that the kids wanted to help their father/uncle cook. This meant there were three girls (Kate 9, Anna 13 and Holly 15) and one boy (Harry, 11) agitating for work in the kitchen where I am accustomed to being alone on this day. To get them in the mood, I punctuated the day with expressions like, “Sacre Bleu!!!” in my offensive French accent and encouraged them to join me.

To accommodate the children’s desire to help, they arrived early to be involved in making the soup – French onion, of course. Now, when I cook, I like to make a lot – if I’m going to all this trouble, I want left-overs. Accordingly, Kate, Anna and Harry were set to work chopping 3kg of onions while I taught Holly how to make the annual Mothers’ Day cocktail in another room. It took a few minutes to walk her through one of these but success was achieved and she was left alone to complete the others.

Returning to the kitchen, I discovered tears were flowing.

What’s the problem? “Onions!” said Anna. “They’re worse than boys!” I couldn’t vouch for that but quickly picked up a knife and began chopping only to be overwhelmed myself.

Wow! These babies were driving spikes into our eyes. “All together now, Oh mon dieu!!!” The kitchen kids washed their hands and faces during a brief rest and returned to the task at hand while I darted back to check on Holly.

No idea how she had managed it, but her aunt and nanna had the rosiest glows in their cheeks and were laughing up a storm recounting tall tales and truths about their childish conquests of bygone days. Holly’s own mother, who received my drink, was quite demure by comparison. Then I spied the vodka bottle and noted unseasonably high amounts of evaporation had taken place. “Bon voyage!!”

So there we were, tears at one end of the house and belly laughs at the other and the soup not much closer to being ready. Thinking quickly, I ran down to get three pairs of

Photo: Amy Mellicent Photography

‘‘If you want your child to be brilliant, read them fairy stories. If you want them to be even more brilliant read them more fairy stories.” ~ Albert Einstein

swimming goggles for the kids to wear while they chopped.

Realising how silly this looked, I mentioned to the tipsy tribe at the other end of the house that they may like to come and view their darlings at work in the kitchen. Upon witnessing the fun and disorder and bug-eyed expressions, they took my name in vain, excused the children and began chopping the onions without eye protection. Very soon after, the tables had turned as the children were now laughing uncontrollably at their mischievous elder feminine relations who were now all crying.

C’est magnifique!

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Making Home A Stress-Free Zone Life seems to get faster and faster, and it is no different for our children. With the constant stimulation of media and the hurried pace we live, stress is easily manifested in our homes. Patrice Thomas looks at the causes of this stress and provides effective ways to make your home a stress-free zone

recent past, mental illness. The three most common an ever increasing problem for young scientific and disorders are anxiety, substance abuse, children. Teachers and children’s technological advances (for example, and depressive disorders. Australia services educators see frustrated and the Internet) have changed our has one of the highest rates of youth exhausted children on a daily basis at society. Along with all the benefits the suicide in the world, and alcohol and child care, preschool and school. Many information and computer age has drug disorders are increasing in young children are woken up in the early hours brought, the rapid change has also people. The activity levels of Australians of the morning (for example, 5:30 or 6:00 required the development of special are decreasing. Fewer and fewer A.M.) and are dropped off at one form coping skills for adults and children. Australians are participating in physical of child care or another (for example, Nearly two decades ago, Youngs (1995) activities and sports and more are a neighbour, a grandparent or relative, discussed the impact of stress on the experiencing the stress-related problems or friends) before school care, long day of a sedentary lifestyle. lives of adults and children, stating: care, preschool, occasional care, or a A sobering quote from Steve combination of some of these over any “Virtually no one feels free from stress these days, not even young people Biddulph (2004), further alerts us to one week. After long days in child care supposedly living ‘the best years of the negative effects that contemporary settings, children are often collected late their lives.’ Childhood innocence is society can have on children: by parents who are tired and depleted “We want our children to grow happy, from a long working day. now almost impossible to sustain. The necessity of electronic media, disruption healthy, strong and kind. But that isn’t Many parents complete tasks for of the nuclear family and loss children (for example, ‘Some parents are so keen for their of the extended family, tie their laces, complete increased mobility children to live up to their potential that they chores for them, clean and home-shifting, expect their children to be busy and occupied up their belongings and nearly every waking moment’ elimination of old forms their messes) because it of labour and new work and lifestyle what the world wants. The world wants seems to be easier and faster. By doing alternatives, changing mores and shifting them greedy, insecure, selfish, shallow this on an ongoing basis, we are robbing values in family life--all these are quickly and vain ‐ .... to eat junk food, and buy children of precious practice in learning those clothes, watch this TV show, crave life skills and self-esteem. In addition, we altering the nature of childhood.”

This is even more relevant today. that magazine. Never knowing peace are sending the unintentional message Current figures from the Australian or feeling satisfaction. So, almost from of disapproval to them (you take too Bureau of Statistics (ABS) reveal increases the minute you first cradle your baby in long to tie your shoes, you don’t do up in the numbers of children receiving your arms, you are at war.” your buttons correctly, it’s better if I just Many parents resonate with this put your toys away for you, and so on). child care - both formal and informal.

Other recent social trends indicate that sentiment but are at a loss as to what As a result, children are often left feeling people are working longer hours (often they can do about it. inadequate, helpless, and despondent. as unpaid overtime) and that increasing Pushing children to achieve too numbers of households are experiencing STRESS IN YOUNG much at an early age can cause them financial stress. Additionally, one in CHILDREN’S LIVES to burn out. Some parents are so keen Hurried parents and teachers for their children to live up to their four children does not live with both natural parents. Increasing numbers produce harried children. In today’s potential that they expect their children of the population are experiencing fast-paced society, stress is becoming to be busy and occupied nearly every

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Photo: Deposit Photos

In the

waking moment. We all need to find a balance between encouraging children to experience success in life and allowing them just to be children. Success at school and in other activities is important and worthwhile, but not at the expense of a child’s well-being and happiness.

In addition, adults often unwittingly transfer their tension and stress reactions to children. Parents and people who work with children suffer from stress and burnout. This can result in negative interactions with children--ordering, yelling, and inconsistent messages being communicated (for example, noisy play, music and sounds from electronic games are usually OK but forbidden if the parent is in a bad mood). Stress derived from one setting can also be transferred to another.

For example, some parents are employed in high-pressure positions and come home frazzled and short tempered, often sending children to their rooms or outside to play rather than spending time with them.

Many other factors contribute to the stresses in children’s lives, including the following: • Long hours in child care, school and after school settings

• Spending time with a number of caregivers • Being apart from parent/s for much of the day • Blended families • Bullying or teasing at school • Parents’ financial pressures • Living at a frantic pace • Loss of a parent, relative, friend or even a pet through death • Separation or divorce of parents • The addition of a new baby to the family • Moving house • Abuse and neglect • Family violence • Learning difficulties • Illness or hospitalization • Excessive expectations from families • Disability • Cultural isolation In addition, limited space for play and physical development is becoming a feature of Western life. Threats from others - for example, bullying and teasing from other children in parks and playgrounds, being robbed, assaulted, or even abducted - are all daily realities and may prevent parents from allowing children to experience free play in parks and gardens.

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Physical education and sports in schools are generally geared to performance and competition. Children can be pushed beyond their natural limits and some burn out at an early age. Others damage their young bodies; for example, hip and spine problems may result from some forms of gymnastics and dance. Other, less agile, children can suffer misery and ridicule at being forced to endure team games and sports that they have little natural inclination toward. Sedentary lifestyles, ‘junk food’ diets, and the advent of play stations, ipad and computer games for ‘relaxation’ or ‘childminding’ are further contributors to stress in children. In recent times, the stress of children whose parents are refugees has been added to this list. These children may experience severe stress and trauma in the process of leaving their homes, travelling to a new country, waiting (perhaps in detention centres) for their applications for refugee status to be approved, and adapting to a new country.

STRESS AFFECTS CHILDREN

Stress from causes such as these may have a negative impact upon the health, happiness, development, and well-being of our children.

It is possible for most adults to verbalize their feelings and begin to take some positive action toward managing their stresses. Children, especially children under four years of age, often do not have the words to express their stresses, fears, and worries. Children react to stress and change in many ways (aggression, withdrawal, attention seeking, disobedience, difficulty sleeping or eating, bed wetting, irritability, sadness or tearfulness, changes in toileting habits, and bullying others as well as physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach aches). Many adults misinterpret children’s stress reactions

as inappropriate behaviour. When adults are hurried, busy, or feeling stressed themselves, they often misinterpret the signals children are giving them. Adults need to be observant of changes in children’s behaviour (such as being aggressive or throwing tantrums when they are normally placid). If children are being dealt with as if they are misbehaving - when, in fact, they are exhibiting a stress reaction - their stress, fear, or anxiety is not being recognized or managed. Children then have to deal with the additional stress of being reprimanded, yelled at, or punished and then may respond with more extreme acting-out behaviour because they do not have words to express how they are feeling. There is a real risk of a downward spiral of stress reactions developing here. All too often, children are diagnosed with disorders such as attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or a variety of mental illnesses when they may in fact be expressing extreme stress or overstimulation.

I am not suggesting that difficulties with behaviour and attention do not exist. After all, I have taught in regular and special schools for many years and I have seen a wide range of behaviours and syndromes. However, I am concerned with the trend of medicating children to slow them down and control their behaviour, and to make them more compliant.

Prescribing drugs to manage children’s behaviour is often done as a first resort rather than exploring more natural methods.

Perhaps the prescription of medication is a simplistic answer to the problems of a complex world. While using psychotropic drugs may work to address children’s behaviour in the short term, we need to acknowledge that young children’s brains are still developing and that the long-term physical, psychological, and emotional effects of these drugs have not been established.

Are we teaching our children that problems can be ‘fixed’

with drugs? How can we then help them to understand the dangers of addictive substances that create dependency and a plethora of other social and moral issues? At the very least, we could begin to use relaxation techniques alongside medication so that children learn selfcoping and self-soothing skills as well as being slowed down by chemical, external means.

Clearly, children who are very stressed or sick need more help than parents can provide. When children’s stress levels are chronic and ongoing, it is best to refer them to a medical doctor and/or a school counsellor, paediatrician, psychologist, or other professional. Parents/families, educators, and medical and welfare professionals can work together to help children regain their balance and healthy outlook on life.

Children may need extra help from a counsellor, psychologist or medical professional when they exhibit the following behaviours: • Are overly lethargic or depressed • Seem to be more and more sad and are crying often • Are increasingly aggressive • Are experiencing ongoing eating problems • Are suffering from fears and phobias that limit their everyday enjoyment of life • Are increasingly unable to concentrate on school tasks • Seem to be overly withdrawn

WHAT DO WE REALLY WANT FOR OUR CHILDREN?

Many parents spend a lot of time thinking about what they don’t want for their children, but the busyness of life often robs us of time to really reflect on the traits, virtues and characteristics we really want our children to cultivate.

When we think about what we really want for our children we are really visualizing a scenario of hope and optimism for the world and the future of children.

As people who care about children, we can have a positive impact on how children experience their world. The following are many of the dreams and wishes parents (and teachers) share for children in their care: • High self-esteem—for children to experience love and give love to others • Feelings of empowerment, so that they can enjoy their achievements

and realistically respond to disappointments when life doesn’t ‘go their way’ • A sense of control over their lives so that they can cope with difficulties when they arrive and know that they have inner mechanisms to help them find calm and balance when life gets tough • Joy, excitement, and pride in their achievements and confidence in who they are • Vitality and physical energy—to be fit, well, and healthy so that they can spend time outdoors and attend school regularly • Deep curiosity, enjoyment, interest, and enchantment with life (for example, appreciating the wonder of a rainbow, the beauty of a butterfly’s wings, the artistry of a spider’s web, and so on) so that they can be successful learners • Satisfying relationships with children as well as adults of all ages (including the elderly) and knowing how to deal with conflict and upsets in ways that enhance relationships rather than damage them • Character traits of fairness, acceptance, honesty, and empathy as well as learning that being a gentle and empathic, kind human being is a hallmark of inner strength and not a sign of weakness or inability to be resilient • Appreciating that there is meaning and purpose to life and that each person’s contributions are worthwhile and important (paid and volunteer work no matter what it is; how we care for and respect other people, animals, and the environment) • Economic security, a place to live, and ample food • Respect for and connections to heritage and culture • Freedom to go anywhere and make life choices without fear of ridicule, attack, or prohibition • Opportunities to reach full potential in order to achieve academic success and rewarding work later in life This can only happen if children are relaxed, calm, content and open to the world and all the positive things it has to offer them. When children are anxious, blocked, stressed and upset on an ongoing basis, they are unable to achieve their full life’s potential.

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Photo: Deposit Photos

Have the children remove their shoes but keep their socks on. No special clothing is required, but, in winter, children might need a light blanket to cover themselves while they are doing their relaxation. One key to successful relaxation sessions with children is the development of a routine. Choose a relaxation time and stick to it each day as far as possible – even on weekends. Ensure that the children know what they need to do on entering and leaving the space. If not, provide a gentle reminder of your expectations. Do not proceed with the movement or meditation exercises unless your children are ready to listen.

A greeting and ending ritual is useful and engages the children’s interest in these relaxation and mindful movement sessions.

One derived from Tai Chi practice is to make a fist with your right hand. This is your “sun.” Then place your left hand around your fist. This is your “moon.” Raise your sun/moon to your forehead and bow slightly. This is a ritual of respect and reverence. (Source: The Magic of Relaxation, 2002)

ONE SYDNEY CHILD CARE CENTRE’S STORY:

After attending a workshop with Patrice and building a list of all the hopes and dreams they had for their children, the staff at a long day care centre decided to document this on a collage made from the bark of a tree and cardboard leaves etc.

They displayed this “Hopes, Dreams and Wishes Tree” in the foyer and asked parents to contribute their ideas as well. At the beginning and end of each day, staff, children and parents were all inspired by seeing their precious tree in the entrance hall and reminded themselves of what they believe is most important for children.

CAN DOING ‘RELAXATION’ AS A FAMILY HELP?

Yes! Relaxation and calm times at home are not a ‘blanket’ solution to the many difficulties experienced by our children in today’s society - they are not intended to be. They do, however, provide an alternative way of being with children that honors their individuality and their needs for respect, inclusion in decision making, and acknowledgment of their inner lives. Relaxation sessions are not expensive (they’re free!), they cannot harm children, and they do not involve complicated behavior management or drug therapy programs.

Surely relaxation is worth a try . . . we have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Mindful exercise and movement, visualization, and meditation are now no longer as feared as they were, even ten years ago, as “New Age” or religious. They are mainstream practices for adults of many faith backgrounds in our contemporary, multicultural society. But what about children?

They also need to find their own inner peace and contentment independent of the people and situations around them.

The following are the main things you will be thinking about:

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• • • • •

Provide a quiet space for relaxation at home Set the scene Use soothing music Respect the relaxation space Provide consistent routines and rituals for relaxation time The space needs to be intimate and calming. It’s best to start with some gentle Qi Gong/Tai Chi movements or simple stretches (before the mind can relax, the body must learn to relax) yet big enough for you all to do these movements without touching each other. Each person also needs to have their own space when they lie on the floor without disturbing or encroaching upon one another’s space. The area needs to be warm, carpeted, and, if possible, have soft lighting, such as lamps.

The children can help you dress the space used for relaxation and in so doing, they will develop ‘ownership’ of it.

For example, you could have posters of scenes from nature on the walls. Decorate the area with potted plants, flowers, and mobiles. Even a fish tank, candles, soft, exotic draping materials, cushions and relaxing music all add to the ambience of your special relaxation space. Once you have been through a few relaxation sessions together, you can add children’s drawings of their visualizations. Aesthetics are important to a relaxing experience. There are some excellent CDs and music downloads available for relaxation for adults and children.

Browse websites such as Fishpond, Sounds True or Amazon or your local music shop and seek out ambient music with rainforest, beach, bird, dolphin, or other relaxing themes.

Play this music at other times of the day to signal the need for everyone in the house to calm and quieten down a little. It will help the children become more relaxed and at ease during different times of the day. Chaos doesn’t need to constantly reign!

Start with an attitude of reverence and respect for the relaxation space you and the children have created together.

ONE PARENT’S STORY:

“After reading some of Patrice’s ideas, I decided to have a go at some of this stuff, just to get a feel for it. I tried some simple Tai Chi and visualisation (using the scripts from the book) at home with the whole family. My wife thought I was potty, but she’s used to me by now and saw how the kids were enjoying the time together each night. My family now do Tai Chi and visualisation each night before our story and bed. My two boys (aged 6 and 7) complain if we miss a chance to de-stress. So do my wife and I. Don’t get me wrong, we still enjoy a relaxing wine to smooth out the day’s wrinkles, but now we have this other great routine.”

Practices such as this will strengthen your bonds as a family and enable your children to share the reassurance, joy and personal empowerment of learning a sequence of mindful, meditative techniques that will serve them well when stress and anxiety rear their heads in life. They will develop life-long skills for dealing with the challenging times that are inevitable in everyone’s lives.

References: 1. Biddulph, S. In Bartlett, J. (2004) Parenting With Spirit: 30 ways to nurture your child’s spirit and enrich your family’s life.

Portland, OR: Marlowe & Company.

2. Thomas, P. (2002) The magic of relaxation: Tai Chi and visualisation exercises for young children. Sydney: Pademelon Press.

3. Thomas, P. (2006) Stress in early childhood: Helping children and their carers. Watson, ACT: Early Childhood Australia.

4. Youngs, B. (1995) Stress and your child: helping kids cope with the strains and pressures of life. Sydney: Harper Collins.

Patrice Thomas is an author, educator, popular presenter and director of Mindful Connections, a stress management and wellbeing practice that focuses on bringing balance, calm, awareness and optimism into the lives of adults and children. For more information see www.mindfulconnections.com.au

Patrice also runs workshops in North Sydney on helping adults and children to destress and achieve a state of calm.

IN SUMMARY, HOW DO WE START?

• Set aside a time at home each day where everyone in the family can gather together and practice calm, stillness and relaxation – and make it a regular routine in your household • Set the scene by setting up a quiet corner of your house with a comfortable rug on the floor, a candle and maybe some flowers or a float bowl and play some ambient relaxation music.

• Start off by reminding the children why you are gathered here and the reason for having a relaxation time together (to slow down, practice being calm and quiet, replenish and build up our energy, enjoy the magic that silence and stillness can bring) • Start with a couple of gentle stretches or easy Qi Gong/ Tai Chi movements (like standing with your feet apart and slowly bringing the arms upwards in front of you until they reach shoulder height as you breathe in and then slowly lowering the arms back to your sides as you breathe out) • Then sit on the floor, a chair or lie on the mat and listen to a meditation or relaxation CD especially developed for children • After the relaxation, each family member might like to talk about what they experienced during the quiet time (either the movement or the meditation) and maybe even draw a picture of what they visualised • Close by thanking each other and respectfully blowing out the candle, turning off the music and putting the flowers or float bowl aside until your next session together tomorrow. www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Remember licking the spoon when your mum had finished with the cake dough? Such wonderful childhood memories! However, as Eva Nislev explains, the kitchen also can be a wonderful place to begin your child’s exposure to science

Of all

the things I did liquid measures, spoons, knives, scales, you to be cognisant to the unfolding get right as I have assorted bowls etc. Your kitchen is the experiments and their possible risks, experimented bringing up my children most amazing science laboratory! it also reinforces general courtesy.

Think of all the sensory experiences; • Always wash your hands, wear an was sharing the joy of cooking. Since an early age I have been assured that they sticky, slimy, hard, rough, raw smells, apron and non-slippery shoes. would never starve. It has been fun and cooking smells, herbs and then the • Be safe, make sure when you are we have certainly had some unmitigated tastes; salty, bitter, sweet and sour giving demonstrating/modelling the task, disasters – the half pancake that didn’t joy and satisfaction to the cook and it is being done correctly e.g. cutting stick to the pan but rather the ceiling, taster. away from you, carrying the knife It can also be the beginning of the spilt egg that managed to dribble in by the handle, using oven mitts etc between the stove top and bench into the learning mathematics – three spoonfuls, – children are oh so quick to pick up cupboard underneath ... for days, and of one and a half cups, fifty grams, .5 kilo, the incorrect things. course the scorched saucepans and the it is not long before the child becomes • Have child-sized tools and make seemingly endless burnt pieces of toast quite adept at the skills of spooning, sure they function; no-one can cut (with full smoke alarm sound effects) as pouring and measuring. He also soon with a blunt knife! lets you know what is good and what is • Never leave children with electrical they experimented with the settings.

However, the upside has been so not as his palate develops! or gas appliances on their own.

Introducing tastes from around • When you spill something, clean it much better. From an early age my children have been part of the up at once.

‘Cooking is a wonderful introduction to • When you have food preparation at home.

As tiny babies strapped science. Where else in our lives do we take finished, clean up and to me, they have absorbed a few raw materials, combine them and put everything away leaving make something new?’ the movements, the smells, the sounds. the kitchen tidy – this part often gets Once old enough to stand on a stool the world has and still is part of our forgotten but just think of it as the household. ‘Travelling’ to another land they were into the action. whole cycle.

Cooking is a wonderful introduction via its food is a terrific start to learning Of the many cookbooks we have one to science. Where else in our lives do about new cultures. It is so easy to of my favourite children’s cookbooks is we take a few raw materials, combine slide in a quick history lesson, find the the Usborne Internet-Linked Children’s them and make something new? All the country on the world map (conveniently World Cookbook. It is full of delicious questions that pour out; how did flour, hanging at child height in the kitchen), recipes from around the world. It also eggs and butter turn into something introduce some foreign sounds and has a little information about each yummy? Why does the oven have to pre- words and ‘voila’ we are in France and country featured, the ingredients, shops ‘salade nicoise’ is on the menu for lunch. or markets and some local traditions. heat? Why can’t we eat them now?

Not only are there practical skills, but (Of course if you really get into it you It has quick links to websites that give the vocabulary building is extraordinary, will need to sing along with Edith Piaf). more information about the country, As with all laboratories there are food and traditions. beating, boiling, draining, sieving, grating, mashing, greasing, kneading, some safety rules and some etiquette to The other thing I like about it is the separating, simmering, slicing, whisking, follow. way each recipe is set out. Each step has the list goes on and on. Then there are • Make sure your young child always a picture with a description underneath asks permission to cook – this alerts and finally a photograph of the finished all the tools we need. Dry measures,

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ANCAC BISCUITS

Children in Australia make these biscuits and they are ‘dead simple’. I also like this recipe because it contains no nuts or eggs, which is useful as so many children have allergies today. (I have not tried using gluten-free flour or spelt but can see no reason why it wouldn’t work).

Ingredients

• 1 cup plain flour • 1 cup rolled oats (regular oatmeal) uncooked • 1 cup desiccated coconut • 1 cup brown sugar • 1/2 cup butter • 2 tbsp golden syrup (or treacle, honey) • 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda • 2 tbsp boiling water

Method

• Combine the flour (sifted), oats, coconut and sugar in a bowl.

• Melt the butter and Golden Syrup in a saucepan over a low heat.

• Mix the bicarbonate of soda with the water and add to the butter and Golden Syrup.

• Pour the liquids into the dry ingredients and mix well.

• Spoon dollops of mixture, about the size of a walnut shell, onto a greased tin leaving as much space again between dollops to allow for spreading.

• Bake in a moderate oven, 180C / 350F, for 15-20 minutes.

• Cool on a wire rack and seal in airtight containers.

Tip. If you have any thoughts of keeping the biscuits for any length of time I suggest you keep them in a padlocked container!

Photo: Depoist Photos

Did You Know You Had A Science Laboratory In Your House?

result.

ANZAC biscuits: A short history lesson

During World War 1, the wives, mothers and girlfriends of the Australian soldiers were concerned for the nutritional value of the food being supplied to their men. There was no refrigeration, anything sent would take months to reach their destination and of course supplies were very limited.

A group of women came up with the answer - a biscuit with all the nutritional value possible.

The ingredients they used were: rolled oats, sugar, plain flour, coconut, butter, golden syrup or treacle, bi-carbonate of soda and boiling water. All these items did not readily spoil. At first the biscuits

were called Soldiers’ Biscuits, but after the landing on Gallipoli (Turkey), they were renamed ANZAC Biscuits.

The binding agent is the golden syrup. Eggs were very scarce, in fact any eggs sent to the soldiers had to be coated with a product called ke peg (like Vaseline) then packed in air tight containers filled with sand to cushion the eggs and keep out the air.

Eva Nislev is a lecturer in early childhood education at Griffith Univeristy, has owned a Montessori Childcare Centre, chaired the Montessori Austrlai Council for 10 years and consults to individial Montessori childcare centres.

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Problem Solving

101:

Lifelong Skills Begin In Toddlerhood

People seem to say that power struggles with children are (a) inevitable and (b) start with the ‘Terrible Twos’. But what if we could end power struggles by implementing problem solving skills instead?

Bonnie Harris illustrates how probem solving skills can change your relationship for the better.

Photo: Bonnie Harris’s son and grandson

Children

come into When my daughter Molly was four from anger to compassion. Once I got the world and five, I couldn’t see a way out of our there, I didn’t have to fight her anymore. programmed for cooperation. We are daily power struggles and believed they We never had another power struggle social animals dependent on each other were her fault. She pushed my buttons, because I no longer engaged in her for survival. The better we work together and I reacted with anger and blame. I resistance with mine. as a team, the more successful we are. feared we would always fight, and she A power struggle is a fight to the Problems arise when parents distrust would never cooperate. Fortunately I finish between a parent and child, both their child’s innate urge for cooperation. was wrong. out to win. Most parents believe they are When children start saying “no” and Each morning before preschool, she right because, after all, they’re the parent. imposing their naturally egocentric will, and I were both angry within minutes. But consider this, if you win, your child we freak out. We assume they are being As soon as I saw her scrunched up face must lose. It’s your ego that needs to win. disobedient and decide we must put a with her bottom lip sticking out three Your child behaves defiantly, you think stop to it. We thwart their developmental feet (I was convinced it would grow that you have to make him change, fear he needs and misunderstand their way) and heard that whine, “I don’t want never will, and believe you’re a terrible behaviour. So, naturally, they resist. to go to school, and you can’t make me,” parent for not bringing him up better.

With all best intentions of teaching I was lost to anger, resentment, and guilt. However, in the moment of the defiance, our children socially appropriate One morning, the same whiny, you do have a choice even if you feel behavior, we start the power-struggle lip-protruding face greeted me. But trapped. You can fight back or not. We cycle spinning. We react to their always have a choice.

‘When a child behaves unacceptably, it behaviour, they fight back My husband and protecting themselves, and means an obstacle is in her way that she I were taking a walk we come down even harder must hurdle in order to reach her goal of with our 21 month old expecting our children to step out of success, balance, regulation. ’ grandson. For a short distance we the cycle and be the grown up first. something was different. Every other needed to walk in the road. I said to my The child’s innate drive for morning, that face triggered my grandson, “You have to hold my hand cooperation and success is forced assumption that she was out to get me. in the road, Sam.” At first he did. Then off track by the obstacles put in their This particular morning I thought, “Wait he had a different idea and pulled his way by unknowing parents—parents a minute, she’s not out to get me”. She’s hand away. “Sam you have to hold my who were parented by a previous miserable. Suddenly I saw her differently. hand.” He did not want to comply. So I unknowing generation and so on. Instead of a resistant, defiant—okay picked him up as he was working hard When a child behaves unacceptably, I’ll say it—brat, I saw a very upset little to wriggle away from me. “Sam you have it means an obstacle is in her way that girl who didn’t want to leave home and to hold a hand when we’re in the road. she must hurdle in order to reach her separate from me. I was battling her, You can hold Poppy’s hand or my hand. goal of success, balance, regulation. forcing her to battle me. She was trying Which do you choose?”

When parenting is forceful, critical and her damndest to get me to understand Sam stopped wriggling. I could see threatening, obstacle upon obstacle is her, but I wasn’t cooperating. him thinking. He then reached for my put in her path. Sometimes, the obstacles My shift in perception—she wasn’t husband and happily took his hand. get too great, she gives up and gives in to being a problem, she was having a Then he reached up for mine. For the whatever she thinks in the moment will problem—changed our relationship for rest of our walk he wanted to hold both make her feel safe. good. My emotions instantly switched our hands. www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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‘When this kind of communication begins early in a child’s life, problem solving becomes second nature’ This is problem solving. Quite simple when you understand the principle, but impossible when you are stuck in the old power struggle mindset. Sam cooperated because he wasn’t being forced to do something he didn’t want to do—and I got what I wanted. In other words, it worked for both of us—the #1 rule of problem solving.

When this kind of communication begins early in a child’s life, problem solving becomes second nature. You don’t even realise you’re doing it. When children trust that what they care about is important to you, even when you highly disagree, they are willing to listen to rules because they know nothing punitive or threatening is involved, and they will come out okay. No need to

fear getting in trouble, which keeps the child’s focus entirely on himself—the opposite of what you are trying to teach.

We must expect that a child’s job is to get what he wants when he wants it. At Sam’s age, he is unable to take in the dangers of the road so it is pointless for me to tell him that he could get hit by a car. What he cares about is doing what he wants, so I found a way for him to choose, which gave him power— something children always want.

As children get older, problem solving gets more complex, but the principle remains the same. Teenagers are still looking out for themselves. But it doesn’t mean they won’t cooperate. If you have been parenting with a punitive mindset, believing that your child is being defiant and bad, switching to problem solving first requires a shift in your perception and then building trust so your child knows you are willing to see her side of things. If she expects you will yell, take away her iPod, or disrespect her with degrading words, she will get quite cleaver at becoming parent deaf and defying everything in anticipation of attack.

In my scenario with Sam, my old

mindset tells me, Sam is being defiant and disobedient. He’s not listening. He’s got to learn. This of course provokes my anger, which leads to my reactivity— control, domination—grabbing his hand with force and using a harsh tone, “You will hold my hand or we’re going back in the house! You could get hit by a car. It’s not safe. You have to do what I tell you.”

This forces him to follow my agenda and will likely lead to a power struggle.

He will begin to distrust me. He will expect that he will never get what he wants and will become more resistant.

Of course it’s not safe. Of course he has to hold my hand. But I can give him a way to comply with my wish without forcing his will. I need to understand that he’s not defying me. He’s doing what he wants. When I take it personally, I get my buttons pushed, and I react. When I shift from assuming that he needs to be taught a lesson and listen to me, to understanding that he wants what he wants when he wants it—that’s his job, my mindset thinks, “Of course he doesn’t want to do what I want him to. He has another agenda”. Then I remain calm because he is behaving the way I expect.

Therefore I can remain firm with my rule, mean what I say, yet do so without anger and blame and most likely gain a cooperative child.

There is no power struggle if you choose not to engage.

Do Not List: 1. Don’t try to reason with an upset child.

Rational thought is impossible when the system is stressed.

2. D on’t resist resistance by punishing, threatening or coercing.

Years ago, a parent in one of my groups told us about her two year old who had intentionally spilled his milk. She told him to clean it up.

He said, “No, you do it!” After initial feelings of rage, she breathed and said, “Okay. The milk is spilled. You don’t want to clean it up and I don’t want to clean it up. What do you think we should do about it?”

“I know,” her son said perking up, “I’ll call Sophie (their dog), she can lick it up and I’ll clean up the rest.”

With her jaw dropped to floor level, she muttered, “Okay.” He proceeded to do exactly as he said.

Problem solved, case closed.

3. Don’t give in or try to fix it. If you feel responsible for your child’s feelings, you will try to make him happy, which is not within your power.

The basic formula for problem solving is asking:

3. Maintain a ‘holding’ attitude. Accept the hurt and empathise.

1. What is it you want?

2. How can you get what you want?

3. Here’s what I want.

4. How do we make this work for both of us?

When your child feels accepted for his desires, he is more likely to cooperate when he can’t have what he wants. Resistance tells you that he feels pushed around. What does feel logical to a child is hearing what you want as well as acknowledging what he wants. Don’t expect consideration from an egocentric child. But do expect your child’s creative solutions to problems.

Bonnie Harris is the director of Connective Parenting and has been a parenting specialist for twenty-five years. She is the author of ‘When Your Kids Push Your Buttons’ and ‘Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With’. For more information see www.bonnieharris.com

4. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. Your child is expressing upset.

Allow that.

Photo: Bonnie Harris’s daughter, Molly!

5. D on’t ask questions. She doesn’t know the answer and will feel set up.

6. Don’t jump to conclusions catastrophise into the future.

or

Do List: 1. Detach. This is your child’s problem, not yours.

2. Observe and listen. Allow feelings to express until they dissipate.

4. Hold as soon as you are allowed.

5. Acknowledge feelings and intention objectively. “You wanted that toy and I said no. You got very angry with me.”

6. Give in fantasy what can’t happen in reality. “Wouldn’t it be fun if you could turn everything in this kitchen into a new toy. What toy would the refrigerator be, etc? What would be the first toy you would play with?”

7. Honour desires. “How could you make that happen?” Instead of, “We can’t afford that.”

8. Offer a choice. “Do you want to put your clothes on or would you like me to today?” “You don’t have a choice about going to school but you do have a choice about how you feel about it. You can be grumpy or you can be open to what happens. It’s your choice.”

9. Be an intentional parent. Plan, anticipate, give warnings, set realistic expectations and be firm and clear with limits.

10. Always go for balance. “I want you to come to the table, and you don’t want to.

How can we work this out so we both get what we want?”

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Preparing Tweens and Teens For The New Arrival Claire Eaton, Parenting and Teen expert takes a look at the larger age gap between children. She explores some common teen concerns and simple ways that we can help older children thrive when their baby brother or sister joins the family.

When

is the right time welcome the arrival of their brother or It is thought that girls can struggle to have another sister? For these children it can be a time with this change due to be fact that they baby? It’s probably the question that’s which can be both incredibly exciting are experiencing a strong connection been asked for years. It’s a dilemma for and equally as daunting? with their mother which is now being We often talk about young children shared. This can sometimes manifest in many and there’s a host of reasons which can influence our ultimate decision; and how they will cope with changes to resentment towards the mother, rather gender of our child/ren, our financial family dynamics when child number than the father or the new baby. Being situation, health, career plans and most two or three arrives, however it’s a rarity aware of this can help dilute possible commonly, what we experienced when that we shine the spot light on families problems before and if they begin. who have tweens or teens, where we we were growing up.

Of course we know that each family We know the health benefits of see the age gap between siblings being is unique and bound by no rules which creating time for a mother’s body to significantly larger. suggest that any parent-child connection Let’s consider some commonly asked based on gender is stronger or weaker recover between pregnancies, however the jury is out when we consider the questions about the teen gap. than another. plus and minus of a two, three, four or We know that boys aged eight plus ten year gap between our children. From Are there gender differences? are transitioning into a new phase of Research suggests that boys can boyhood and gravitating towards their a natural parenting perspective, the only right answer is the one that suits your benefit intellectually from a larger age father, males in the family, coaches and family.

‘Older children make awesome siblings to male teachers, therefore Australia’s fertility baby brothers and sisters; they bring an element boys can sometimes rate has decreased over of nurture, protection and unconditional love find the transition the last forty years and is that cannot be measured, recorded as data or somewhat less stressful. now down to 1.7 children They are confidently expressed adequately in words.’ per family, however the incidence of stepping through boyhood stages if families deciding to have another baby gap between siblings; especially if they they have strong male role models and when their children are older shows a are they are the oldest child, where relationships in their life. slight increase. Some parents are making they often rise to the occasion with the decision to have one or two children, an increased sense of maturity and Do parents understand their teens?

It’s probably safe to assume that waiting a while and then welcoming responsibility.

Research also tells us that teens who many parents also wonder and worry another baby.

Placing the ‘what’s the ideal gap’ have a closer relationship with their how their relationship with their older discussion to one side, parents remember mother at the time of their sibling’s children could change and if it does, how what it’s like to have a new baby; the true birth, can feel the impact more so due so? Many parents indicate that they don’t magic of it all and the total wonder that to the baby’s higher need for mother in want to lose the closeness, connection this little miracle has actually happened. the earliest stages. Of course, dads play and relationship that they currently But what if we stop and think about the a massive and incredibly special role in enjoy and this is why we encourage older children, the tweens and teens bonding; however nature is such that families to uncover the positive changes who are growing up and stretching their mum is the nourishment epicenter for a that may occur, rather than possible loss own wings in magical ways. How can we baby and this can draw mum away from or damage. It’s fair to say that a feeling of loss can be felt at such an exciting time, support older children as they await and her older children.

28 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

How can we support tweens and teens if we do decide to have another baby?

There is minimal research relating to teens as compared to toddlers and younger children, however teens tell us that they have three major worries about a new baby arriving: 1. Their whole life will change for the worse and the routine as they know it will be crushed because the entire focus will be in the new baby.

2. They will have to give up things they love because there won’t be enough time 3. A lack of sleep The most common worries revolve around change in routine, time availability and attention, which are all valid and often just a teen’s version of the same concerns that a toddler or 5 year old would have if there were able to articulate their thoughts. Teens aren’t really that different; however they do process change differently and can display that through their behaviours in more complicated or extreme ways.

With this in mind, the way we handle their concerns often needs to be aligned with our older children, as teens are at the age where they can seek to resolve their concerns in many ways; some risky, some positive, but all with the intention to send a message to us as they seek to grow their independent wings and create their own identity, aside from being a brother or sister.

There is so much that parents and extended family can do to help older children successfully transition into the change that a new baby can bring.

Photo: Amy Mellicent Photography

Big Age Gaps:

somewhat of a common dichotomy shared by parents who are expecting and have older children.

Do some teens cope better than others?

Research tells that that the most significant impact on how older children will react to such change is based on their personality; their attitude to life, resilience, optimism and confidence. In addition to this, how they are prepared for the arrival of their sibling and last but not least, how drastic the change to family routine and lifestyle is once their brother or sister is born. Shining the light on each of the fore mentioned ideas can give us an insight into the ways we can help our older children enjoy a smoother and less disruptive transition at such an exciting time.

1. Keep communications flowing with an emphasis on hearing our child’s worries or concerns as real and a great starting point for an abundance of teen-parent chat.

2. Remind our children that there will be change however, change can be exciting and often opens doors to new things that we didn’t think possible or know existed.

3. Reassure our teens that they will not be the babysitter, but rather a wonderful big brother or sister.

Importantly they will still be our loved and precious child.

4. We will do our best to keep routines going and continue with everything we all love to do, however families who are flexible, understanding and helpful make life so much easier.

5. Teens who haven’t had sleep can find it hard to be their best. Their body is going through so many changes; therefore they need at least nine hours sleep consistently to function at their best.

6. Strike a balance so that older children don’t feel like that one-on-one time has come to screeching hault and never to be reclaimed.

There are so many ways to support teens; however one of the best and most successful ways is to talk, be highly aware of our teen’s subtle ways of communicating important things with us and keep the family connection strong, loving and forgiving.

Teens who feel safe and trusting to tell us how they are feeling; the good, bad and the ugly are the teens who are more likely to tell us the good, bad and ugly even if their thoughts may not be what we want to hear. Older children make awesome siblings to baby brothers and sisters; they bring an element of nurture, protection and unconditional love that cannot be measured, recorded as data or expressed adequately in words.

Older children can close the gap and make it richer. The age gap is one that only you and your family can choose because you know what is right for you.

Claire Eaton runs workshops for teens aged 10-14 years helping them in their early teen years to be more resilient, optimistic and confident. You can find out more about ROC TEEN at claireeaton.com.au

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Sibling Attachments: How Strong Relationships Between Siblings Develop

There is a great deal of information about developing attachments between parent and child, however little information is given on developing sibling attachments. Kelly Bartlett looks at effective ways parents can assist their children to create strong sibling bonds that will last a lifetime

Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

The

importance of a apply to sibling relationships and some children knows, sibling interactions secure parent-child ways you can help children navigate are not always positive. Conflicts are attachment is not a new revelation; this each one. still interactions that can help bring is what sets the foundation for all future children closer together, and they’re relationships a child will have in his life. BEING WITH not always necessary for a parent to The most basic level of attachment intervene. When kids resolve their But there is also something to be said for security between siblings. A connected between siblings is simply about own disagreements, their relationship relationship between brothers and engaging positively together. Their becomes stronger, as they must learn to sisters also provides a foundational relationship begins as soon as they meet communicate with each other. As long context. It is an opportunity to develop one another other and it continues every as a conflict between children is minor, the groundwork for peer relationships in time they talk, laugh, play, smile, hug, let them have the opportunity to work it play house, sword fight, or put on skits a child’s life. out themselves. Don’t step in right away.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, developmental in the living room. These behaviours This will give kids a chance to express psychologist and co-author of Hold engage the senses and connect siblings themselves with each other and establish On To Your Kids, has devoted his life’s on a basic level. their baseline of communication.

When children are getting along and work to studying attachment and to Letting children resolve their own helping parents and children resolve playing happily, it is important to let conflicts won’t be possible all of the relationship struggles. According to Dr. them continue for as long as possible. time, especially in the early years. When Neufeld, there are six stages conflicts escalate in intensity ‘Helping children develop a security with or physical or verbal violence of attachment: six levels of development that each other goes beyond mediating arguments is involved, it’s always and preventing sibling rivalry. It’s about a relationship must necessary to step in and fostering security between your children and mediate. Young children’s go through before the participants strengthening their relationship; it’s helping brains are immature, and siblings find attachment in each other.’ they do not yet have the neural have reached secure This means don’t interrupt, comment, attachment. These stages connections needed to effectively start simply and build consecutively to or join in, but just let them have that communicate when their emotions run deepen the level of attachment over time. enjoyable time together for as long as strong. Kids’ lack of impulse control To successfully navigate all six stages is it will last. “I have delayed dinnertime, may lead to actions and interactions that to develop a secure relationship. Just as cancelled playdates, even occasionally aren’t conducive to sibling attachment. parents and children go through these rescheduled my daughter’s music lesson Modeling nonviolent communication because my kids were playing so well stages of attachment, so do siblings. and facilitating their problem solving Helping children develop a security together, and I just wanted it to last!” will teach children the communication with each other goes beyond mediating says Amy Jackson, a mum of two in New skills they need solve difficulties arguments and preventing sibling rivalry. York. When you can, make sacrifices with their brother or sister while still It’s about fostering security between for the sake of sibling camaraderie; maintaining the relationship. your children and strengthening their maximise those opportunities for It is also important to ensure that relationship; it’s helping siblings find positive interaction. It is absolutely family time is a priority. As often as you attachment in each other. Here are Dr. essential to their long-term relationship. can, get the whole family together for Though, as any parent of multiple Neufeld’s six stages of attachment as they meals, games, outings, bike rides or other www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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activities that are fun for everyone. The support and companionship of everyone together will assist the development of children’s relationships; they’ll engage positively with each other within the context of the whole family and have shared enjoyable experiences together.

BEING LIKE

The next level of attachment, beyond simply interacting together, is when siblings know how they are the same.

Realising what you have in common with another person takes connection a step further. They may not realise it, but siblings have commonalities. No matter how opposite your children may seem, they at least have you in common!

Beyond that, there are most likely other similarities they share, and it’s important for them to realise what they are. Are there hobbies they both enjoy?

Characters they like? Interests they share? What do they both dislike? Find those things that they have in common and help your children bond over them. Have conversations over dinner about their favorite TV shows. Ask them questions or have them teach you about the things they like to do together.

Engage kids in their shared interests as often as possible.

BEING TOGETHER

From regular positive interactions and the realisation of their similar interests, children start to develop a sense of loyalty towards each other and a feeling of belonging. With their siblings, kids feel a sense of we’re a team; we work together; we’re in the same boat.

This stage of attachment comes about naturally after years of living together, resolving disagreements, supporting one another, communicating regularly, enjoying each other’s company and working cooperatively, so it’s important to prioritise those first stages of attachment. In addition to facilitating positive interactions and focusing on kids’ commonalities, you can also provide plenty of opportunities for your kids to work as a team.

Gina Osher, a mum of 5-year-old boy/ girl twins in California, says that she gives her kids plenty of opportunities to communicate and work together through games. “We occasionally do ‘sibling night’ in which the kids get to make all of the decisions for the evening,”

she says. “It’s good practice for them to have to work together, and it’s fun for them to tell mummy what to do as a team.” Regular games in which siblings work together like this are a great way to further their senses of fellowship towards each other. They feel that perspective of, ‘We are together in this.’

BEING SIGNIFICANT

At this level of attachment, a child feels significant to his sibling. There’s a sense between the two of them that, not only are they a team, but they also matter to one another. They’re significant in the family, they’re significant to their parents, and they realise they’re significant to their siblings. Significance develops when a child stands up for a sibling at school or when one shows a gesture of kindness to the other. It occurs when siblings support each other in their activities by attending each other’s basketball games or dance performances. It’s waving ‘hi’ to a sister from across the cafeteria at school, helping to take care of a brother when he’s sick (even if that just means leaving him alone so he can rest), and it’s making sure a sibling is included in a game with peers. These kinds of gestures

Pregnancy and children’s health and nutrition specialist

communicate, ‘You matter to me.’

BEING LOVED

Though it doesn’t happen right away, with the development of a relationship over time comes the knowledge between siblings that they are loved by each other. The bond between them deepens when they no longer need prompting to behave in loving ways but when gestures of affection come from the heart. These might be expressions of genuine apology, offering comfort during a hurtful moment, a hug during a joyous one, or deep concern for the other’s emotions.

After years of growing into a connected relationship together, siblings’ gestures towards each other begin to show unprompted love, and they will move into the last stage of attachment.

BEING KNOWN

At this point in the relationship, a child feels trust, significance, love, commonality, and a sense of belonging.

That is, they feel close enough to a sibling to divulge deeply personal information. They want to tell their sibling everything about themselves as they share their secrets, their fears, their emotions, their hopes, and their dreams.

At this stage of attachment, siblings are able to communicate intensely and find support in their love. They truly hear one another. Genuine sibling attachment is more than just getting along, it is about being known to each other.

It takes time, perhaps even into adulthood, to develop the deeper levels of attachment between brothers and sisters. The most important thing to do to facilitate this relationship when children are young is to foster those beginning stages; create opportunities throughout childhood for siblings to relate and engage in a consistently positive way. Help them see what they have in common. Create opportunities for them to work together. These kinds of interactions create a foundation for early attachment, and the deeper levels will naturally unfold with time.

Lisa Guy ND Naturopath & Author lisa@artofhealing.com.au 0414 491 595 www.artofhealing.com.au

h e r b a l

m e d i c i n e

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h o m e o p a t h y

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n u t r i t i o n

Kelly Bartlett is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator, Attachment Parenting Leader, mother of two and author of Encouraging Words for Kids.

You can find more of her work at www.kellybartlett.net

Beyond Birth with Julia Jones Coping with Sleep Deprivation Sleep deprivation and motherhood go hand in hand. Is your baby a chronic night owl? Or are you dealing with something temporary like teething or illness? Every mother feels that sleep deprivation is torture, and it truly is. Sleep deprivation (and the sound of a baby crying) is used to torture inmates at Guantanamo Bay. I’m no expert on helping your baby sleep longer, but I can help you cope.

1. Be proud!

In some circles you may feel embarrassed to admit how often your baby still wakes up at night. We are conditioned to believe it is poor parenting skills that lead to sleep deprivation, as usual our culture blames mothers. Naomi Stadlen, one of my favourite authors, suggests mothers ought to wear their sleep deprivation like a badge of honour. In her book What Mothers Do she says; “Surely a mother who has chosen to sacrifice her sleep deserves respect and admiration for her generous mothering.”

2. An hour of sleep before midnight is worth two after Scientifically this is a myth. But practically speaking most babies get their longest stretch of sleep early in the night, and wake more frequently in the wee hours. So it’s a good idea if you hit the sack early too.

3. Have a bedtime routine for you A bedtime routine can help you wind down and get to sleep on time too! For example treat yourself to a self-massage, shower and a warm drink every day after your kids are asleep. If you find yourself lying awake in the night when your baby has gone back to sleep you can get up and do your bedtime routine again.

4. Get four hours sleep in a row A baby sleep cycle is 45 minutes, an adult sleep cycle is four hours… no wonder you feel exhausted. Do your best to get four hours sleep in a row. This isn’t always possible but consider asking your partner to do a shift at night, or leave your baby with your mum for an afternoon. Leave expressed milk and wear ear plugs if needed.

5. Actively relax Meditation, singing and breathing will all induce the same brain waves as sleep.

Many spiritual seekers who have spent many hours in prayer or chanting report not needing many hours of sleep. Use any relaxation technique you enjoy during long hours spent feeding or rocking your baby.

6. Be forgiving It’s very natural for parents to displace their negative feelings about their baby onto each other. Be mindful of what is really bothering you and forgive each other the odd tantrum.

7. Have a power nap A power nap is a very short nap that ends before deep sleep. 10-15 minutes is enough to reduce irritation and cognitive fatigue without leading to the dull heaviness you feel after a longer nap. The benefits of a power nap last nearly three hours, so schedule yourself a power nap every time your baby sleeps to get you through the day. It really does get easier, ask a second or third of fourth time mum.

Julia works with pregnant women and new mums who want to avoid feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. She is an Ayurvedic postnatal doula and founder of Newborn Mothers in Perth, Western Australia

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Your Story Kevin Kearney gives us an insight into the complexity of helping his wife through Post Natal Depression, whilst raising their beautiful little boy, Ben There are many ways the early days and months can turn out for new parents but I never expected the freight train that hit us and is still passing through our lives. My wife has post natal depression.

Our journey into parenthood has been long and turbulent.

My wife of 4 years, Dianne, is sadly no stranger to medical hardships. She suffers with Endometriosis and PCOS. For 15 years she was told by every specialist under the sun that she would never have kids. She was devastated. It breaks my heart that she had this set in her mind and was something that proved difficult for her to tell me shortly after we met. At that stage, I reassured her that I don’t look for someone based on whether they can have kids or not.

Falling Pregnant Two years after meeting we decided to visit a Naturopath to discuss treatments for Dianne. To our surprise, in our first consult we were assured that we will have a child - that was hard to accept but the Naturopath had so much positivity towards us which to this day still pours from her heart. After a few months Dianne could see an improvement to the point that she was able to get back into full-time work and guess what?

Not long after that she became pregnant. Finding out we were going to have a baby is one of the best feelings to ever have, after being in shock for the first two days that is!

Dianne had a rough start to pregnancy with a fibroid in her uterine wall haemorrhaging and causing her a lot of pain.

And then by the start of the 3rd trimester she had enough of it all and just wanted the baby out, he was doing full-time kickboxing!

Our Birth Although I don’t know for sure, I think the birth was a cause of the post-natal depression.

At around 5am Sunday morning, D i a n n e’s waters broke.

We went right up to early evening w i t h erratic

contractions that even tricked the midwives because they kept telling us she wasn’t in labour. However, by the time they gave her gas she was 5cms dilated. The more the labour went on, the more painful it was for Dianne. By the time they took us into the labour room she was screaming for an epidural but the midwives refused. One midwife actually took her aside, held both hands and told her to look into her eyes then said the words that still haunt my wife today. Her words were “throughout your entire pregnancy, you didn’t drink, smoke or take drugs so do you want to poison your baby now and take the epidural? ” This midwife managed to say this without Dianne’s mother and I beside her. It’s something that still makes me furious as my wife was already quite fragile. Luckily our private OB already organised the epidural. After she had the epidural, Dianne then felt she was being judged from the midwives for agreeing to it.

After another 40 minutes of pushing, we were unable to get our baby out so she agreed to have forceps to ease him out. I think he was being stubborn like I can be, like father like son?

My son, Ben, was born 8.46pm 19th August 2012. Ben needed a little reminder to breath when he came out. He was then placed on Dianne for about 10 seconds before being taken to the special care nursery. Once Ben was taken to SCN, Dianne haemorrhaged around a litre and a half of blood whilst having problems with the placenta.

First Few Months I was only going to have 2 to 4 weeks off work when Ben was born, however as time went on, I knew I couldn’t go back to work then. I felt like I was in the eye of the storm that was destroying my wife’s beginning to motherhood and my baby needed his parents as much as possible.

We had some initial problems with Ben. Dianne couldn’t get Ben to latch onto her breast (although he still got 2 weeks of breast milk at the beginning). After a few trips to hospital we found out that Ben needed a special formula as he has milk protein intolerance. I stayed in hospital with Ben as Dianne couldn’t do it. I also did a lot of skin to skin with Ben as Dianne didn’t feel as if she could because of the rough birth.

I did my best to carry Dianne and Ben through these

early months. She tells me that they both wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for everything I did especially as I was constantly monitoring Di’s eating and fluid intake as she kept forgetting on a daily basis to do either. I’m extremely proud of that and would do a million times over if I had too Diagnosed with PND Although we knew Dianne was depressed, we thought at the start that it was just recovery from the physical trauma from childbirth. However, after a couple of months, I noticed that Dianne’s depression was getting worse and that it didn’t matter how much help Dianne had from myself and her parents, nothing improved. I knew then that this problem was bigger than we thought it was. That’s when we phoned the CATT team and they came to our house and got the ball rolling getting her into the Mother and Baby Unit. It was at this stage that I felt that I was able to get back to work - I just had to manifest that all was going to turn out OK. If you start doubting that, then things will only get harder.

Dianne was in MBU for around 7 to 9 weeks, which helped slightly and was out just before Christmas. While in the MBU, Dianne felt that she wasn’t allowed to mother her child in the way she felt he needed to be cared for. It seemed as though they were saying that Ben had problems with eating and sleeping when he didn’t. This led to Dianne feeling further stripped off her confidence and instincts and I was also pushed back in progress as a dad. I went to the MBU every day after work and was told to not help her as much so not only did she have hard nights in there from the night staff they tried to stop me from doing my role as a dad. I was even told to go and have beer with a friend if I ever needed to talk things over - needless to say I didn’t take them up on that. That was all the help I really had up until then from these people.

One positive thing Dianne got from the MBU was the feeling of the first bonding moment she had with Ben! It happened when she was trying baby massage, which was encouraged by a MCHN. After talking with Dianne, I know one of her greatest fears is losing Ben even though he has been happy, healthy and robust for some time now.

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My Feelings I was used to doing most of the care for Ben and Dianne until Ben hit the start of his separation anxiety. That’s when things started to affect me. I knew and was fine with him needing mum more but it still killed me that I wasn’t able to feed or settle him, I was only able to play a little bit with him which made it harder for Dianne as she had already been exhausted for the past 4 months.

I just wanted to be able to do everything I could to take the strain off my wife’s shoulders. I already was doing all cleaning cooking anything to do with the house but it wasn’t enough for me I needed to be able to do more with Ben. But he wouldn’t let me because of the separation anxiety. I started feeling more and more tense and stressed each time I tried to help to the point that I recently went to talk to someone to help me pull things into perspective, which really helped. I was able to feel more at ease with the situation. And wonderfully, within the first day Ben was more relaxed with me. It is amazing how your perspective can affect things, as we are now closer than we have ever been. This has been a big boost for Dianne too.

Sadly the PND still has a hold over her but I believe and have always believed that we will get through this. I feel we will start to get close to getting better soon.

One thing that has kept us close is the foundation of our whole relationship we have gone through so much medically that we grew stronger and closer and I have always thrived at being there for my beautiful wife - she is strong and amazing and on top of all our tests with PND we are happy with our amazing son Ben! It’s a constant balancing act dealing with Dianne’s uncontrollable crying and holding a baby. It’s hard, it’s a struggle but love knows no bounds and so I keep trying to drive forward as everyday is a new day and another chance to make the next day shine a little brighter.

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Raising a Child on the Autism Spectrum Children on the Autism Spectrum are wired differently to Neurotypical children. However, as Dr Pamela Seaton explains, by gaining an understanding of the neurological differences, parents and caregivers can help the child navigate through a world that is predominately designed for Neurotypicals

New

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Michiala with her very happy autistic son Jackson (9 years old) Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

research tells us Their different neural wiring affects the they also tend to think differently. that one in 88 way in which they relate to their world, They make different assumptions and people displays features which place how they communicate with others judgments, and come to different them on the Autism Spectrum (ASD). and how well others communicate with conclusions, which hampers effective We have been hearing more and more them. Thus, these neural differences can communication and relationship about Autism, particularly Asperger’s impact on how they manage to function development. Understanding your Syndrome, a sub-group of the Autism in our predominantly Neurotypical child’s specific Autism profile, how they Spectrum, through the media over the world. So just what are these differences? think, function and communicate is the past few years and many people know of first step in raising a child on the Autism NON-VERBAL someone on the Autism Spectrum.

Spectrum.

This article will explore the higher COMMUNICATION People with Autism, especially LANGUAGE, CULTURE AND functioning sub-groups of Autism, that is, Asperger’s Syndrome, as well as, children, have difficulties understanding EMOTIONS Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not other people’s facial expressions and Children on the Autism Spectrum Otherwise Specified (PDD NOS) and body language, as well as identifying have difficulty understanding how High Functioning Autism, which have social rules and cues. This is an intuitive Neurotypicals communicate effectively, features in common with Asperger’s process for Neurotypicals, but not so for simply through everyday exposure Syndrome. Consequently, assessment people on the Autism Spectrum. As 75 to the Neurotypical world. They and intervention are similar do not intuitively or ‘People with Autism, especially children, for all three groups. instinctively learn the We shall also look at have difficulties understanding other people’s language and culture the implications for facial expressions and body language, as well as of Neurotypicals. identifying social rules and cues.’ parents raising a child They also often have on the higher functioning end of the percent of human communication is difficulties with verbal expression non-verbal, this can cause difficulty with and comprehension. So, children on Autism Spectrum. social relationships, both at home and in the Autism Spectrum are at a distinct school and can be very frustrating for disadvantage when trying to understand NEUROLOGICAL WIRING People on the Autism Spectrum all parties involved. In a way, because others and communicate their wants process information differently due those on the Autism Spectrum and and needs effectively, because they have to different neurological wiring from Neurotypicals process many things difficulty identifying the many emotions birth. You cannot ‘catch’ Autism. It is differently, it can sometimes seem as we humans experience, with reading a developmental difference related to if they speak different languages. It is non-verbal social cues and with verbal factors that affect brain development much easier to communicate with those expression and comprehension. All of and not due to emotional deprivation or who speak the same language and who these abilities help us determine what have similar ways of thinking, similar is expected of us when we interact with other psychogenic factors.

Children and adults on the Autism beliefs and attitudes. In this situation, others. Thus, children on the Autism Spectrum tend to think differently, have both parties are more likely to be ‘on the Spectrum often don’t understand different priorities and perceive things same page’. Because of these neurological what is going on or why and what differently from those who are not on differences between people on the they should do in social situations. the Autism Spectrum (Neurotypicals). Autism Spectrum and Neurotypicals This leaves them feeling confused and

anxious about what they should do in social contexts. This can be emotionally overwhelming and is why many children on the Autism Spectrum have more frequent and explosive meltdowns (tantrums) than their Neurotypical peers. Thus, focusing on improving emotional literacy, specific instruction and guidance regarding social cues and rules relevant to their age group, learning appropriate emotion management tools, and having realistic expectations of the child’s current abilities, are all important aspects of raising a child on the Autism Spectrum.

FEAR OF MAKING MISTAKES

There is also a double bind here for children on the Autism Spectrum. Neurotypicals generally dislike making mistakes.

However, people on the Autism Spectrum, particularly children, have an exaggerated fear of making mistakes, to the point that it can become pathological. They will avoid making mistakes at all costs. They would rather reply “I don’t know” than give a wrong response. Thus, when a child on the Autism Spectrum who is already distressed because of difficulties reading and understanding social situations and trying to work out what is expected of them, responds in an inappropriate way, which is then identified by others as a mistake, their initial distress is compounded and they can become inconsolable. It is therefore important for parents to model that everybody makes mistakes and that this is advantageous, as we learn from our mistakes.

After all, Thomas Edison made hundreds of mistakes before he managed to invent a functioning light bulb.

ABILTY TO FOCUS ON A SINGLE SUBJECT

People on the higher functioning end of the Autism Spectrum tend to think things through very thoroughly and can focus for long periods of time on topics that interest them but that can seem unimportant to others. They will ‘study’ what interests them. This is a very enviable ability. However, when others want them to disengage and focus on something that is important to them, problems can arise, particularly if the child on the Autism Spectrum has not completed their investigation or activity. Children on the Autism Spectrum are not inherently mentally flexible and need active assistance with developing this as they grow.

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that may even remove their clothing as often as they can, as they simply feel uncomfortable with anything on their skin.

Likewise, children on the Autism Spectrum may dislike being touched or hugged. Even a simple hug may feel as if they are being crushed or smothered. On the other hand, they may seek tactile stimulation and want to touch everything or constantly chew things, even their own clothing. They may also actively seek hugs or prefer to wear tight fitting clothes. Desensitization can help reduce such sensitivity and there are strategies and techniques parents can teach their child to make these sensitivities less obvious to others.

Dad’s Corner One dad’s adventures of natural parenting with his little buddy, William

BODILY DIFFERENCES

Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

There are many other features of high functioning Autism, such as poor muscle tone, poor gross and fine motor control, organisation difficulties, obsessiveness and even compulsions and short-term memory problems to name but a few, which can be helped with appropriate professional help and parent input.

PARENTAL SELF-CARE

SENSITITIVITY TO SENSORTY STIMULI

Children on the Autism Spectrum are also extra sensitive to sensory stimuli. Louder noises, even a slightly raised voice, can be deafening or frightening to them. They may also be unable to cope with repetitive sounds, such as ticking or whirring sounds, however slight. Yet they can be unaware that their own voices are too loud. It is as if the volume for sounds outside the head is turned up, while the volume for sounds inside the head is turned down. Fragrances and smells, which are pleasant to most, can be overwhelming for children on the Autism Spectrum. They may become agitated and distressed when around certain people or in certain environments. For example, it may be Aunt Jane’s smoking or perfume, rather than Aunt Jane herself, that distresses the child or makes the child reject her.

People on the Autism Spectrum, particularly children, can also be tactile sensitive. They may dislike certain types of fabric and usually prefer soft, well-worn clothes. They often have favourite clothes, which they insist on wearing at all times. They may also dislike seams or tags on their clothing.

Some children on the Autism Spectrum are so tactile sensitive

There is another key aspect of raising a child on the Autism Spectrum. This is self-care. There is no doubt that raising a child on the Autism Spectrum can be demanding, as it requires a greater understanding of the child and a more focused and active involvement in their development than for most neurotypical children. It can require a greater degree of ‘presence’ than most parents find necessary in raising their neurotypical children.

Consequently, parents of a child on the Autism Spectrum need to actively develop social support networks and plan time for topping up their own physical, mental, emotional and psychological reserves. To do this, parents need to feel okay with taking ‘Autism-Spectrum-free’ breaks.

There can be many attributes displayed by people on the Autism Spectrum. These may include a strong desire for knowledge, the ability to focus on topics of interest, excellent long-term memory and a great eye for detail, as well as honesty, directness, loyalty and a strong sense of social justice. These and other features of the Autism Spectrum have enabled people on the Autism Spectrum to enrich all our lives in many ways.

Living with difference presents challenges, but also offers great rewards. All difference, including that of being on the Autistic Spectrum, challenges us all to look at and accept each other as unique individuals and to more consciously connect with the world around us. That is a great gift indeed.

Dr Pamela Seaton is a clinical psychologist in Toowoomba, QLD. She obtained her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at the University of New England. She has expertise in the diagnosis, treatment and support of children, adolescents and adults with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Dr Seaton is a member of the Australian Psychological Society (APS) and the APS College of Clinical Psychologists; an international affiliate of the American Psychological Association (APA) and a member of the Australian Centre on Quality of Life (ACQOL).

For more information, go to www.drpamelaseaton.com.au

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Well, William has called it a day and as quietness descends on our home, what better time to reflect on the last few months since my last column.

William has come a long way with his communication. He cannot say many words (although his favourite word is ‘daddeee’! not that I’m skyting, but he says it much more frequently than ‘mama’!) but he signs a lot. I can watch him and Kristy have a whole conversation just using their hands. I can interpret many of the signs, and I know that I should know them all, but he does new ones everyday and I just can’t keep up!

I knew there would come a day when I couldn’t keep up with my son, I just didn’t think it would come this quickly! But that’s ok, if he signs something to me and I don’t know what it is I just ask Kristy and she tells me.

I’m also happy to report that the bathtime blues we were experiencing are now a thing of the past and each night after dinner we walk, hand in hand, up the hallway and have some ‘man time’ in the bath. When he is finished in the bath he yells out ‘MAMA’. It’s funny when he does it because he is usually such a quite boy but then this big noise comes out and I realise he may turn out just like me, with a foghorn!

We also still go for a drive in the car around the court every morning before work and when Kristy gets him out, he either cries or he blows me kisses ~ both of which make me feel special.

We are still doing a lot of camping, although the nights are starting to get colder! In the last three months William has had two mishaps.

The first was on the cast iron frypan, which resulted in two big blisters on his fingers, and the second was just recently when he tipped a cup of hot coffee over himself (luckily it was cold weather and he had on a few layers of clothing as it didn’t burn him, only scared him). But I’m quite old-school in that I think that these things will happen over time, no matter how vigilent you are. And I think that you have to allow your child to experience things like cooking and campfires and helping chop firewood, even though there is the risk of injury, otherwise they will miss out on some of the really simple but wonderful things in life.

In the last couple of weeks, when the magazine is in the final throws of preparation, I was again cast with the ‘Mr Mum’ duties in the afternoons. I think I loved it this time more than the last time!

We have been spending the afternoons walking through the nearby bush, reading books and picking tomatos off our rogue tomoto plant (I say rogue because it is growing no where near Kristy’s organic vegie garden, which rarely yeilds vegies!). We have also ventured down to the hardware shop, the tyre shop and other man places, as well as to the coffee shop where we have some sushi and a cuppa! I make note of this because I haven’t previously gone out with William alone! I was always worried that he might want milk (boob) or that it was too much hassle getting him into and out of the car seat ~ silly I know now!

Well, that’s it for me for another few months! Hope your family is having as much fun as ours!

on afterno ! r u o f walks One o

Me g iving and Gran William on t he fe dpa a rid nce! e

my aring t! e w m a Willia nies and h n su

William and I lighting the fire together!

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Finding The ‘Education’ In Educational Apps For Children There are so many ‘educational’ apps on the market, but are they really educational?

Kathy Hirsh-Pasek and Roberta Michnick Golinkoff examine how much digital play a child should have and how parents can find high quality educational apps

around. Our kids wonder that the parents are confused University of Massachusetts show that are spending a lot and research cannot keep pace with young children get virtually nothing of time in front of screens. A Kaiser this explosion. We just don’t know what from videos like Baby Einstein.4 Research Foundation report1 from 2010, in the happens to children when they build from Professor Patricia Kuhl’s lab at the ancient historic period before the iPad blocks on screen rather than on the University of Washington and from our (we will refer to these eras as BiP and playroom floor or when they read books own labs points to the importance of AiP), reported that children under 3 without pages. conversation with flesh-and-blood, inBut we do have suggestive evidence your-face humans for engaging children were in front of computers, phones and televisions for an average of 4 hours per that can guide parents in this virtual and supporting real learning.5 day. Children in the over 8 crowd used wilderness. The evidence spotlights And imagine what our children are visual or digital media for an average of two questions: How much digital candy missing in the real world when they are 8 hours per day -- and that did not even should be a part of the regular diet and glued to the digital world. The fire truck include time spent texting! That means how can we find high quality educational that just passed had two women on it that by the time they are in primary apps? and the waiter is telling mum and dad The first question is easier to answer. about life in Russia -- but little Cindy, school, our children are sitting in front of screens for 57 hours a week -- that The kids who are spending more than eyes aglow and fingers on fire, might as adds up to more hours than a full-time 57 hours a week looking at screens are well be sleeping for all she picks up from on their derrières but lots of research these interesting events. job.

By January 2012 there were over Now for the tougher ‘We just don’t know what happens to question: How do we know 200,000 ‘educational’ apps for iPads and smartphones. children when they build blocks on screen which apps are really These are low-hanging fruit rather than on the playroom floor or when educational and which they read books without pages’ (think of them as digital candy) are not? When we were for parents who want their children to lay points to the power of physical play. kids, our parents had the same questions low at fancy restaurants, stay occupied Physical activity is not only good for about the proliferation of television as they travel on the train or road trips the muscles, but for the brain! Recess shows. Pay TV expanded the viewing and for those who want their budding makes kids more alert and ‘smarter’ in choices beyond Rocky and Bullwinkle Einsteins to reach intellectual summits school.2 Research also shows that sitting and there was an outcry because parents by practicing numbers, letters or story- -- a hallmark of the AiP era -- is not could no longer protect young eyes and telling. Amidst this large-scale natural good for kids’ health.3 Obesity, diabetes ears. It took scientists years to converge experiment, it comes as no surprise that and essential hypertension are running on the finding that the problems with reporters from ABC News and The Wall rampant. Limiting children’s screen time TV were not in the medium, but in the Street Journal recently asked us whether is really important. message. Good content was great for Apps are being directed to kids kids. Bad content was not. apps are good for children.

It is hard to believe that smartphones under 3 while the research shows that A similar problem haunts the app are just 6 years old and that iPads were young children learn better from us market. A four-star app rating might only introduced in April of 2010. In than they do from an avatar. For those tell you whether children liked the app, developmental terms, they are still in under 3, even educational television is but it says little about its educational nappies. And with roughly 100 apps or not educational. A number of studies value. So, how can we help parents weed more coming out each day, it is little conducted by Dan Anderson at the though the ever-expanding garden of

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Photo: Rebecca Anne & Carly Maree Photography

Look

apps to find high quality products? Lisa Guernsey’s book Screen Time tells us about some websites that review apps, but with 100 a day coming out, parents can’t wait for the evaluation.

Here we offer a set of 9 principles to help parents choose good educational apps for their children: 1. Is this app designed for your child’s age group?

2. Does the app require an adult interpreter to figure out what is going on? If it does, it is not age appropriate.

3. Does the app use flashy graphics and sounds sparingly to support learning rather than as an end in itself?

4. Does the app invite your child to do something else that is positive beyond what it offers, like drawing or jumping or playing go-hide and seek?

5. Does the app invite children to extend their learning to new situations in the real world, like finding a rectangle in the room they’re sitting in?

6. Does the app invite social interaction with a friend to get children talking?

7. Does the app encourage children to think of many ways to solve a problem or does it make children find just one right answer?

8. Does the app offer variety, like showing triangles that don’t only have their points at the top?

9. Does the app spark creative thinking by asking children to think of new ways -- not offered by the app -- to put things together?

So, in the AiP era, are educational apps good for children? In the time that it took to write this piece, 200 more apps became available. We know these apps are riveting. So are lollies. The evidence suggests that for a healthy diet of talking with parents, playing with friends and just plain running around, parents need to limit the amount of digital candy their children ingest.

And when we limit that diet, we might also want to make sure

that the apps they use have the very best ingredients. By using the principles above, we can be more vigilant as parents and ensure that there really is some education in those educational apps.

Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, research psychologist at Temple University and Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, research psychologist at University of Delaware are authors of books for parents and practitioners about child development and education

References: 1. Available at: http://www.kff.org/entmedia/ 2. Barros RM, Silver EJ, & Stein REJ (2009) School Recess and Group Classroom Behavior, Pediatrics, 123:2 431-436.

3. Healy N, Matthews CE, Dunstan DW Winkler, EAH, Owen (2011) Sedentary time and cardio-metabolic biomarkers in US adults: NHANES 2003-06. European Heart Journal, 32(5) 590 -97.

4. Pempek T.A, Kirkorian H.L, Richards J.E., Anderson D.R, Lund A.F, & Stevens M (2010). Video comprehensibility and attention in very young children. Developmental Psychology, 46, 1283-1293 Kirkorian H.L. & Anderson D.R. (2008). Learning from educational media. In S.L. Calvert & B.J. Wilson (Eds.), The handbook of children, media, and development (pp. 188-213).

West Sussex, UK: Blackwell Anderson D.R. & Hanson K.G (2013) What researchers have learned about toddlers and television. Zero to Three, 33, 4-10 5. Kuhl P. K (2011) Who’s Talking? Science, 333, 529-530 Kuhl P. K (2011) Early language learning and literacy: Neuroscience implications for education. Mind, Brain, and Education, 5, 128-142

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Home Schooling: An Alternative To Mainstream Education

The thought of homeschooling can be very attractive, yet the practicality can seem quite daunting.

Beverley Paine explains how homeschooling can be fun, accomodate family values and beliefs and can offer a life-style that builds and strengthens relationships within the family

too often public schooling is personally enriching and fulfilling. and resourceful, home education is The best teachers are those that capable of delivering the best education doesn’t cater to the needs of individual students. Finding a suitable respect children’s individual learning possible. Some children leaving school school for one’s children that is affordable styles, passions and interests, and care rejoice in the inreased responsibility for and within reasonable distance can be deeply about their health, well-being their own learning immediately, whereas difficult. For many, home education and development. Devoted and attentive others take a few months to adapt to the offers a real solution to intractable parents are naturally placed to continue different pace, emphasis and motivation problems experienced in the school educating their children beyond the of learning at home. system. For others, home education start of compulsory schooling age.

Although many families follow a provides a choice that matches their Home education offers a life-style that schedule, they find it isn’t necessary family lifestyle and values. Recognised builds and strengthens relationships for children to work through every by all State and Territory governments, within the family. page in each textbook, or to sit at a It is not the same as learning at school. desk and do assignments for three or home education is a rewarding and challenging endeavour enjoyed by No two families home educate the same more hours a day to learn effectively. way. Each tailors their curriculum to In addition to lessons, children learn thousands of Australian families.

A practical and successful alternative suit the needs of individual children. through conversation, play, hands-on to school-based education for children, Learning programs typically reflect activities, completion of family and home education embraces learning such factors as family values, beliefs, personal chores, and the freedom to within the whole community. pursue hobbies, interests ‘Adaptable, responsive and resourceful, and passions at length.

Students regularly access home education is capable of delivering the libraries, educational A typical day usually best education possible.’ and cultural institutions, parks, zoos, includes time spent reading, a markets and shopping centres, sports interests, learning styles, and available couple of hours working on assignments and recreational clubs, religious facilities resources. Home education can also or unit studies, free or structured play, and much more. Home educated embrace ‘blended learning’ which may chores, some kind of physical exercise, students aren’t restricted to learning at involve part-time school attendance, most of which will include social activity, accessing distance education courses, or either with parents, siblings, friends or home … The world is their classroom!

Their parents accept the ‘e-learning’ using a variety of educational members of the local community. Some legal responsibility for planning, programs available on the internet. This families concentrate learning activities implementing and evaluating the ability to be flexible with the delivery of into two or three days each week, leaving children’s educational experiences. They education is a cornerstone of the success other days for family activities and are highly motivated individuals who families experience as home educators. educational excursions.

How families begin home educating believe that the education of children is There are tens of thousands of primarily the right and responsibility of often looks very different to what home educating families across parents. They take this role very seriously they are doing a year or two later: the Australia. They come together to form and continuously educate themselves books, materials and approaches used supportive networks which cater to the in order to maintain high educational continually adapt to the emerging needs educational and social needs of their standards for their children. Parents and styles of each individual child, as well members. Groups offer support and typically find that being involved in all as the changing conditions in family and companionship for parents and children, aspects of their children’s development community life. Adaptable, responsive as well as regular social and educational

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Photo: Deposit Photos

All

excursions and activities, concerts, dances, sports days, and camps. Home educating students also avail themselves of the many extra-curricular activities available to schooled children.

Far from being socially isolated, studies repeatedly demonstrate that home educated children exhibit high levels of social skills and integrate easily into a variety of social situations.

Families maintain student portfolios that record educational and developmental progress. Home educated graduates are able to access tertiary education and choose a variety of pathways to satisfying employment which suit their individual needs and personalities. Students can enter university by direct application or through entrance exams; others complete high school certificates or vocational courses through school attendance or distance education; some complete TAFE courses; and some start their own businesses or remain vital members of their families’ businesses. Home education is a proven pathway to successful, full and satisfying adult lives.

The regulations and laws governing home education differ in each state and territory. Parents are advised to read and familiarise themselves with the sections relevant to home education provision in their relevant Education Acts.

Parents are encouraged to contact the Home Education Association for support and information from experienced home educators. The Association provides an online Resource Directory to help families link with others as well as find suitable learning materials. Home educators share their experiences through Stepping Stones for Home Educators, the members’ quarterly magazine. The Association’s monthly newsletter keeps members informed, with news items, resource listings and information about educational competitions, events and activities.

For more information visit www.hea.edu.au, phone 1300 72 99 91 or email admin@hea.edu.au.

Beverley Paine began enjoying the home education lifestyle in 1985 and even though her children are now adults continues to offer support and encouragement through her online support groups.

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Steiner Dolls Why The Difference?

There are so many different types of dolls available to choose from. However, there is one type of doll that is different from any other ~ and there is a reason why. Connie Grawert explains the characteristics of Steiner (aka Waldorf) dolls and why they are wonderful companions for children

You

or someone you know dolls are of any interest or value for the children whose doll is a part of who that may send their child children of today at all. child is. She says: “Through the doll the to a Steiner kindergarten, preschool, child finds its own self.” A special doll family day care, play group or other ARE DOLLS RELEVANT can be imbued with a spark of the child’s early childhood setting inspired by TODAY? soul; it can be a second “I”; faithful Rudolf Steiner’s educational approach. If For centuries children have played friend and playmate who accepts the you have been in one of these settings, with dolls. Museums around the world child unconditionally or is the culprit you probably noticed the dolls tucked exhibit the remnants of dolls; drawings when something is broken or lost. carefully into a doll’s bed surrounded and paintings show children cradling a Eventually that part of the child which by household toys, such as little plates doll; stories speak of children playing has been embedded in the doll will free and cups. You may have noticed that with dolls. The Concise Oxford Dictionary itself and the child will be ready to put the dolls look quite different to dolls one tells us that “a doll is a small model or the doll away. The child will generally buys from toy stores and wondered why representation of a human figure used communicate this in some way, but until they are so different. as a child’s toy”. The key words are that time dolls play an important part in In a Steiner kindergarten the dolls ‘representation (image), human and toy’. the life of the child. are hand made out of fabric and shaped A doll is a child’s toy that represents The child develops a relationship to into form with sheep’s wool stuffing. the Human Being; it is an image of the the dolls that he or she plays with. The The hair is usually woollen yarn sewed Human Being. In her book, The Genius child becomes the mother or father onto the head, and eyes and of the doll, the sister or ‘The dolls that a child plays with take brother, the friend or foe, mouth are indicated by a on different personalities and roles: family few stitches. Some dolls the doctor or nurse, member, friend or companion. The doll can be the teacher and so on. have arms and legs and are beautifully dressed; bossy, frightened, friendly, “naughty”, sick or Children will often take strong; the possibilities are infinite ’ other dolls for younger comfort in their doll when children may have head and trunk, and they are feeling upset or insecure the lower body disappears into a soft of Play, Sally Jenkinson observes that in an unfamiliar place. They may sleep sleeping sack. From school to school the through the medium of the doll children with their doll and take it with them on dolls vary in size and the way they are can rehearse events, recapture their fears outings. made, but essentially they are simple, and worries, take risks and indulge in In play children develop a sense of well-made and hand-crafted with behaviours outside their usual scope in identity in role play with dolls. These natural materials. a safe way in which they have ultimate experiences are vital for all children.

These handmade dolls can be created control. The dolls that a child plays with Play is initiated and directed by the to have skin tone, hair colour, clothing take on different personalities and roles: child; boys or girls guide the play in a or significant features of people and family member, friend or companion. way that is meaningful and relevant for cultures around the world, providing The doll can be bossy, frightened, them. For this reason, the benefit of dollchildren with opportunities to include friendly, ‘naughty’, sick or strong; the play is universal and not limited to girls. these imaginatively in their play and possibilities are infinite. daily activities.

In her book, Children at Play: PLASTIC DOLL, SOFT DOLL: You may think these dolls are ‘old Preparation for Life, Heidi Britz- DOES IT MATTER? fashioned’ and some may wonder if Crecelius tells many wonderful stories of While doll manufacturers have

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focused on ‘authentic’ attributes such as drinking, crying and wetting the nappy, one can also focus on ‘authentic’/ natural materials such as fabric, wool and cotton for the doll. Children are very tactile; touch is an important part of sensing and experiencing the world. A doll made of soft cotton, stuffed with wool fleece, with strands of woollen hair and durable cotton clothes appeals to the touch (and smell) of the child. The softness of the doll brings out ‘softness’ in the child to cuddle, comfort and look after the doll.

The soft doll has a living warmth from the use of ‘living’ materials from plants

(cotton) and animals (sheep or others with fur), flexibility/responsiveness and durability, whereas the plastic doll feels cold, hard, rigid, synthetic and unresponsive – anything but ‘authentic’ or representative of humanness.

It goes without saying that the marketplace of business profits is happy to promote violence and early sexuality in the toys it sells for children. Some dolls follow fashionable images with makeup, clothes and body that emphasise sexuality. Many of the baby dolls have either no hair or scratchy synthetic hair.

Dolls intended for boys often emphasise

violence and fighting with exaggerated muscular bodies.

In Steiner early childhood settings there are always soft dolls for the children to play with. In order to stimulate the imagination of the child, these dolls have only an indication for features such as eyes and mouth. In this way the child is able to transform the doll using his or her imagination, so that the doll can be happy or sad, sick or tired, as the play scenario unfolds. The child must be able to use their own imagination to create the play, rather than the toy dictating the course of play because of the way

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India with her two Steiner dolls

Henry babywearing his Steiner doll

Taj with his Steiner Pixie

it is constructed. Taking the example of the crying doll that cries whenever it is turned or pressed in a certain way, one can see how the play is pre-determined (not to mention that crying is experienced as a mechanical, entertaining feature of the doll). If the child has a soft, simple doll, the child can take the play in any direction.

Another feature of the dolls in Steiner settings is that they are all hand-made. Not only do educators and parents make the dolls that the children play with, but there are a number of initiatives in South America (e.g. Q’ewar Project in Peru and Evi Project in Brazil) and Asia (e.g. Dolls4Tibet) where whole communities are involved in making these types of dolls. Animal husbandry for wool, spinning, dyeing, sewing and the actual making of the dolls from the materials produced, provides an income for struggling third-world communities. (Refer to websites such as OXFAM.) The children have an innate sense of admiration and care for something that has been carefully and lovingly made by hand. It is as if they sense the effort and care that has gone into the making, especially when adults set the example by showing care for these handmade dolls.

The dolls made of fabric are durable and can be cleaned, repaired and maintained. In the preschool where I taught, 2 of our dolls were 20 years old. They were regularly played with in a group with 20 children attending on a daily basis. The children and I occasionally gently washed the dolls with a damp soapy cloth. During holiday periods I mended

Issy with her Steiner doll

the hair and clothes or sewed new ones.

Every few years a seam could be opened and stuffing renewed. This was a great learning experience for the children: toys can be cared for, maintained and repaired, rather than thrown away or replaced - an important lesson in our consumer society.

If parents are interested in learning to make dolls they can look for a Steiner school or centre in their area where there is generally a craft group or people who can teach dollmaking. There are also stores, markets and websites where these dolls might be bought.

In the Bibliography are listed 2 books which will help with doll-making, but to get started a workshop is invaluable.

References

1. Britz-Crecelius, H. (1986) Children at Play: Preparation for Life, Floris Books, Edinburgh 2. Jenkinson, S. (2001) The Genius of Play: Celebrating the Spirit of Childhood, Hawthorn Press, Stroud, Gloucestershire 3. Jaffke, F. (1988) Toymaking with Children, Floris Books, Edinburgh 4. Reinckens, S (1989) Making Dolls, Floris Books, Edinburgh

Connie Grawert has been teaching in Steiner early childhood education for many years. She is currently a consultant and provides support for Steiner Early Childhood teachers and carers.

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Indoor Grand Adventure As the temperatures go down does your child still long for excitement? Staying indoors is no reason to get the winter doldrums. Even small children miss going outside and running and playing. This activity will help your family find a grand adventure in your own living room!

Ask your child whether he or she wishes to visit a cliff-y beach, a bright coloured rainforest, an ancient castle, or a faraway desert sand dune today. Chances are, at first, the child will look at you like you are off your rocker! But you can explain that you are going to create a beautiful adventure together!

Supplies:

• Gather all of your fluffy blankets, some kitchen or dining room chairs and floor pillows.

• Grab some fancy clothes and/or your best pretend clothes.

• Make a healthy snack or tea that matches your chosen adventure.

• Some happy music • Set mood lighting • Your best imagination • Be ready to play!

What Now:

Using your child’s imagination, help him or her drape blankets over chairs, couches and shelves to transform the room into the chosen wonderland.

After the wonderland castle, beach, rainforest or desert dune is built ask your child to tell a story about the adventure you are on. Pretend you are characters in a play and your child is the star and the director. Have your child tell you what you would do, what you would say, how you would act if you were really in the imaginary place. Follow your child’s lead as his or her ideas take flight!

Ask your child to tell you about what you would be able to see, smell, touch and hear in the place you chose. If he or she needs help filling in the details you can add them. By creating the space through words you can transport yourselves to your dream place and forget all about winter!

Spending quality time together can come in many different shapes and sizes. Kids thrive when we devote our uninterrupted attention to them and even more so when we allow them to direct our shared play. We can learn more about their inner worlds and we show them that we really care about what they think! Seeing adventures through their eyes can also bring a light and innocence back to our own life which can be missing when we, ourselves, have to deal with the adult world. In other words we all win!

Here’s hoping the laughter in your home is boisterous, the stars in your living room are numerous, and the love in your heart overflows!

Emily Filmore has written a number of books focusing on bonding with your child. You can save 20% off these books if you purchase from www.withmychild.com/nurture

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How To Get The Kids Out The Door On Time And Still Feel Connected Getting out of the house in the morning can be one of the most stressful things you do each day.

Especially when the children are not wanting to go anywhere or do anything! Rachel Schofield provides ways that you can get out the door on time, while still feeling connected with your children

hard we all work to to be awkward and stubborn, but with we’ve got five minutes to do whatever get our kids out the feelings popping up, it’s hard for them you want” and shine warm attention door on time! I think just about every to think clearly and do the morning on them as you follow their lead in parent I’ve listened to has struggled, at routine. play. Here’s how Special Time helped Here are some tried and tested one Mum from a Building Emotional one time or another, with getting their children to school or daycare. There strategies to help children feel connected Understanding course: seems to be so much to do: get up, get and release any emotional tension that’s “When my son started preschool, dressed, make breakfast, eat breakfast, in the way. getting used to the new routine was brush teeth, make packed lunches, pack hard for us all. We were all used to our THE MORNING SNUGGLE bags etc. pretty laid-back mornings where my This is such a nurturing way to begin son would sleep until he woke up on his I’m continually amazed at the ideas and strategies parents put into this part the day. Snuggling together in bed eases own. When he did wake up, we would of the day. But no matter how organised away tension. It’s a beautiful chance hang out in pyjamas and play for a while we are, children still have feelings. They to soak up each others’ warmth and and not worry about breakfast until he have lots and lots of feelings about school reconnect after a night of sleep. If your said he was hungry or get dressed until or daycare (even if they love it) and they kids don’t get into your bed anymore, get we were ready to go out. have plenty of feelings about having to into theirs. If they complain, turn it into Of course preschool changed all this! get out the door on time. So it makes a game, “Oh but I’ve got 100 hugs and Now I was giving orders all morning. sense that our morning routine “Time to get up”, Eat your ‘Kids don’t want to be awkward and pays as much attention to breakfast”, “We need to their emotions as it does stubborn, but with feelings popping up, it’s get dressed”, and worst of to their physical needs and hard for them to think clearly and do the all, “We don’t have time morning routine.’ logistics. to play, we have to go!” All A good starting point is to notice kisses all for you” and let them scream this happened even though I’m actually that when children are feeling close and laugh, and run away as you chase pretty relaxed about having to be at and connected they are delightful to them with your cuddles, occasionally school ‘on time’. As I said to a friend, be with. They are cooperative, helpful managing to plant a raspberry on there are no tardy bells in preschool! and obliging. On those mornings we their bellies. Science Journalist, Susan My son didn’t like this scenario at all might even be ready before we need to Kuchinaskas explains how every time either. He became frustrated easily and I be. But when children lack this sense we cuddle, we release the chemical listened to many tantrums around trivial of connection, or when they harbour oxytocin. This brain chemical makes us issues like the shoes he wanted to wear, upsets, they lose their ability to think bond and trust, it builds our deep lasting or whether I put milk on his cereal (or well and find it hard to get ready on connections. It’s what we think of as love. not!). I understood that it was good to time. There’s a scientific name for this: listen to his feelings, and was OK about ‘inhibited cortical functioning’. It means SPECIAL TIME doing that (most of the time). But I was Here’s a way of giving your child a still feeling like a drill sergeant, and I we can’t use our rational brains anymore.

Our emotional brain is running the big dose of connection vitamins. Before could tell that my son was left feeling show and when that happens, blood getting dressed, give each child three like he never got to do what he wanted flow to the thinking brain (prefrontal or more minutes of your undivided to do in the mornings. It was a lousy way cortex) is restricted. Kids don’t want attention. Put on a timer and say, “Okay to start the day for us all!

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Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

How

It occurred to me that we might try Special Time in the mornings. I made a chart with pictures of all the things we have to do in the morning, including Special Time. As I was making the chart, I thought about where to put Special Time in our morning routine. The temptation was to put it after all the ‘business’ had been taken care of, but I realised that in order to build a good current connection with my son, it would be best if Special Time was first thing we did.

The changes have been tremendous. Where before just getting out of bed was sometimes a struggle, now when he wakes up (even if he has to be gently woken) he hops up and says, “Let’s do Special Time!” Our struggles over getting dressed and ready to go are significantly diminished. Now when I need to get him moving, I can just ask him to look at the list and tell me what we need to do next. Now I don’t have to be the nag. I get to be the assistant who helps him get dressed, brush teeth, etc. when he tells me it’s time. We still have days when getting out the door is a struggle, but things are much smoother. Taking just 5 minutes to make sure that things go his way first thing in the morning starts us out on a note of connection and cooperation.”

My youngest (6 at the time), was sleeping in more than usual, and I was also dragging myself around the morning routine.

By the time she got up and I was ready, it was pretty tight timewise. I knew if I rushed her to get ready, she would only get mad and we would probably be late for her school.

So, I decided to connect with her more playfully and hopefully get us all out of the door on time.

Instead of looking at the clock and saying: “It’s awfully late.

Let’s get ready”, which would be my non-playful version, I pretended to be afraid of looking at the watch and asked her to stay with me and not leave the room.

We were both standing in the bathroom. I ‘fearfully’ tiptoed into the bedroom to get a glance at the watch. That got a lot of laughter going for my daughter. Then we had a quick session

BE PLAYFUL AND FOLLOW THE GIGGLES

Try being playful. Using games that put your child in the powerful role and following their giggles (without tickling) can be very helpful. Unforced laughter not only helps us feel more connected, it also helps us release emotional tension.

Here’s how Ravid Aisenman Abramsohn, mother to two, used playfulness: “It was one of those mornings that are really hard to start. www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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of ‘catch and kiss’ because she did not stay in the bed room. All this time she asked me to ‘cry’ some more about the time and about her leaving me.

We did this once more. It lasted about 12 minutes in all.

Only fifteen minutes were left to get her ready for school.

Surprisingly enough, she got dressed in a swift, and even had enough time to sit and have breakfast. She was cheerful and calm.

Had I not chosen the playful path I believe we would have had a quarrel, with both of us getting frustrated about our needs not being met. We would have hardly made it out of the house in 20 minutes, and there would be breakfast in the car. I think I’ll stick with the playful path!”

EXPECT UPSETS: SET LIMITS EARLY

Even with big doses of connection, our kids might still need us to step in, set limits and listen to their tears. I think it’s really helpful to give up on the idea that there won’t be any upsets or resistance in the morning. Instead, make sure you have time for them. When children become uncooperative, dawdling or

inflexible it’s a big red flag that they need some help with their feelings. As tempting as it is to keep reminding children to do something, we help them more when we step in, before we get frazzled, and set limits.

We hear a lot about how children need to be self-regulating, but this doesn’t mean an absence of big feelings. Bert Powell, from the Circle of Security research project, points out that children need an adult to ‘be with their feelings’ when they experience big emotions. When we stay close, we help anchor a child as the wave of emotions passes. In turn they can let out the hurts that are stopping their thinking and feel closer to the person who’s listening to them as they let out their upset.

KEEP IT SIMPLE AND GET HELP

Finally, logistics and planning have a part to play. I know many families that have found getting help in the mornings makes a huge difference. Getting a relative, retired neighbour or teenager to come in, even for half an hour, can change the whole tone of the morning.

Being organised helps us have space to focus on our children’s emotional needs. There is much sense in doing the bare minimum in the morning. Do you really need a cooked breakfast? Could hair brushing be left out? What can be done the night before? The less there is to do, the more time you have for connection.

Rachel Schofield runs Building Emotional Understanding courses (online and in person) and co-moderates Hand in Hand Parenting’s online discussion group. You can contact her at www.likeripples.com

Learning an Instrument: A Guide In this 3 part series, Tara Hashambhoy looks when to start, which instrument to choose and how parents can support the learning of an instrument Learning an instrument can be a rewarding, exciting part of a child’s life. It can also be a stress-inducing chore! A negative musical experience is usually down to poor instrument choice, the quality of tuition or starting too young. This is the first of a 3-part Guide to Learning an Instrument, containing advice on how to give your children a happy, enriching musical education!

PART 1 – WHEN TO START

In discussing when to begin learning an instrument it is important to recognise a distinction between Music education and Instrumental education: Music education starts at birth.

It’s about discovering ways to create, respond, interpret and read music, and interacting with the music of one’s culture.

Most of this learning takes the form of informal play with parents/carers and can be extended through pre-instrumental music classes.

Learning an instrument is an extension of music education, and is of most value to a child once they already have a rich understanding and appreciation of music. Starting an instrument really young (2-4) will not increase a child’s musical potential any more than age-appropriate musical education.

Pre-schoolers have greater physical and cognitive limitations, which usually lead to slower progress on an instrument than the older beginner. This can feel cumbersome to any but the most patient of children. Of course there are exceptions - a 4 year old who dearly wants to play may have a very special musical journey with a teacher skilled in teaching young beginners.

Most children are emotionally and cognitively ready to begin an instrument around 6 or 7. They need to be able to concentrate, follow instructions and display a keenness to learn. If they don’t show interest at this time, don’t worry they may enjoy less structured music activities. They may take up an instrument later on, or prefer to express their musicality solely through their body – dance is a wonderful form of musical expression!

Even when a child is emotionally ready to begin learning an instrument, there are only a handful of instruments that are physically appropriate for the body of a young child. Many brass and woodwind instruments require more developed facial muscles. Some may be too heavy or awkward for small bodies. Learning an instrument that is physically inappropriate can cause pain and injury!

Some of the best early instruments are the voice, violin,

Photo: Depoist Photos

‘I think it’s really helpful to give up on the idea that there won’t be any upsets or resistance in the morning.

Instead, make sure you have time for them.’

piano, recorder and ukulele. Violins come in smaller sizes, and a sound is easily produced on all of these instruments. All, except the piano, can be played easily in groups, which suits social children.

Recommended minimum age to begin selected instruments Piano: Recorder: Flute/Clarinet: Trumpet/Trombone: Saxophone: Guitar: Violin/Cello

7-8 years 6-7 9 9-10 9 9 6

From Jingle Jive Music from 0-5 – A Guide for Parents and Teachers by Julie Logan

It is important to let your child choose – expose them to the instruments through concerts, recordings, or ask a friend/ teacher to play for them!

The instrument your child starts may not be their final instrument. For example, a recorder is a great stepping-stone to the rest of the woodwind family. A child’s first instrument will equip them with invaluable skills for a wonderful playing life.

Tara is founder of “Sound Explorers” Music and Movement classes in Sydney’s Inner West. She also teaches violin and chamber music and enjoys playing and performing regularly.

www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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Nurturing Peacefulness

who I am” ~ “I can choose peace rather than this” ~ “I am peace” ~ “Lighten up and peace up” ~ “I am a peacemaker” ~ “Peace begins with me” ~ “Peace in and Peace out” ~ “In with peace and out with peace”.

PEACEFUL ACTIVITY

“It isn’t enough to talk about peace.

One must believe in it.

And it isn’t enough to believe in it.

One must work at it.”

Just the word ‘stress’ can make our heart pound, thoughts run wild and our body reacts. Peacefulness is a virtue that can bring the opposite reaction to stress. Balance is restored and nurtured with peacefulness. Peacefulness gives us permission to rest and care for ourselves. It fosters harmonious and respectful relationships along with a sense of safety in our environment. It gives us the opportunity to use our words to solve problems and to be a peacemaker in our relationships, family and community. It opens our heart to parenting with patience, love and compassion.

PEACE BEGINS WITH ME

How do we begin to feel peaceful in a fast-paced, everchanging world? How can we raise peaceful children if we don’t feel peaceful ourselves? How do we nurture peacefulness within our own heart and home in the midst of the stages, phases and cycles of our children? Being calm and responsive is a simple and clear road to feeling and being peaceful.

PEACE BREATH ~ PEACE WITHIN

Having and making time for self-care nourishes us and is the ticket to experiencing and modelling peacefulness. Sitting comfortably on the floor, sofa or toilet (where ever you can that is possible and safe). This can also be practiced before bed.

Begin to breathe deeply and smoothly in and out through your nose, being aware of the temperature of your breath. Cool in through the nose and warm out. Feel the cool vitalising breath that enters your body and the warm nurturing breath that leaves your body. Repeat for a few minutes allowing you to deeply connect to the temperature of your breath and the peace that is created in your body.

Now picture an image in your mind – a peaceful place. It could be a garden, a park, a beach or any image that conjures a place that makes you feel calm and relaxed. Continue breathing and soaking up what it feels like to be in this place.

If thoughts arise, just observe them and let them come and go. Allow yourself to feel and think what you need to, rather than resisting or judging whether you are doing the breathing activity right or wrong.

The next part of this breathing exercise is optional. Ask your own inner wisdom, “What do I need to do today to practice peacefulness?” Wait to hear what comes and listen with curiosity. Before coming out of this relaxation begin to check in with your body and ask yourself some questions:

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~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“How do I feel when I am still and calm” ~ “How do I feel in my whole body?” ~ “What has been the most beneficial about this exercise?” ~ “What did the message mean to me?” ~ “How can I apply it?”.

Slowly and gently come out of the relaxation and go about your day/or sleep. You’ll find this deep connection within nourishes every cell. It helps you to slow down, balance your energy, and live in the moment. You may even take the opportunity to journal your reflections.

PEACE IS …

What does peace look and feel like? Start by defining the words ‘peace or peacefulness’ with your child. You can ask children what they think it means; their answers will probably be very enlightening. They are often surprised to realise that peace can be found in many places. They can be the peacemaker ~ creating a calm and fun environment wherever they are.

Peace can look a little different to everyone. It doesn’t have to mean the absence of conflict or obstacles. It’s more about learning how to deal with our challenges and problems in a way that doesn’t put the rights, wants, or needs of one person over another. It’s learning to communicate and connect with each other, even when we don’t agree or want to play with the same toy as someone else.

With younger children, begin to encourage peace through acknowledging when you see or experience peacefulness. For example: “You look peaceful laying on the lounge reading your book” ~ “Thank you for sorting out the problem you had with your brother in a peaceful way” ~ “I feel so peaceful when I am in the park playing with you”.

A PEACEFUL PARENTING MOTTO

A parent motto is fun and strengthening. Having a motto is a great way to ‘check in’ at times when you feel you could lose your cool … or have already lost your cool. Here are a few ideas: “This to will pass” ~ “I live and give the best of

Build calming activities into your day such as yoga play, breathing exercises, relaxation music, outdoor adventures.

Avoid rushing and cramming. Calm moments of stopping and taking a break to rest will give you space in your day.

All of these activities promote peace within the body and the mind. When we encourage healthy, nurturing practices and space for peace we guide and support our children in choosing how to do this for themselves. We give them experiences in nurturing a self-care routine and the opportunity to build their problem-solving muscles and truly begin to value their quiet and rest times.

A PEACEFUL SPACE

Having a special place is a lovely reminder to take time out, slow down and balance your energy. This could be a place in your house or garden, or a shelf that represents pure serenity for you and

your family. Each family member could have their own space, or one special space the whole family can share – a place of comfort, rest and rejuvenation.

In our home we have a bowl of Harmony Cards and a fish bowl full of pebbles and colourful beads that we can see, feel and touch, while we relax together. We have our yoga mats, cushions and photos of grandparents and great grandparents. It is really special and we feel a sense of coming together and this shared experience and space builds our family connections. Such a place is ideal for sharing a meaningful conversation with a child, especially when they understand the intention behind creating a peaceful space. It could be as simple as choosing a special tree in the backyard or at the park.

THE PEACEFUL BALANCE

Peacefulness helps us to learn to cope with stress and bring what is out of balance into harmony. We begin to create an atmosphere where peace is felt and experienced in our presence. We take responsibility for our own feelings and actions and model to our children what matters to us.

Peacefulness is a way to practice

being mindful by living in the moment, taking time to smell the flowers and see the rainbow. We naturally become more forgiving and gentle with ourselves and others and our energy is restored and centred. Enjoy what peacefulness can bring to your heart and home. May your journey and practice in peacefulness lift you to new places in your parenting.

Things to be mindful of: • What does being peaceful feel like?

• When is peacefulness most important to you?

• Which virtues could support you in practicing peacefulness?

Reflective Questions: • How do I encourage my child to be peaceful?

• What makes me feel most peaceful?

• Who do I know that is full of peace?

• Where are the opportunities to role model peacefulness?

• When am I least peaceful?

Kerry Spina is the creator of Harmony Cards for Kids and owner of Kids in Harmony which is a creative music appreciation and values education program.

Doulas:

Guiding couples as they navigate the transition to parenthood

It was

I was brought back by the sound of was thinking it may be time to go to the close to 3.00am.

Jen Jen emerging from her deep dozing in birth centre. I went in and chatted to Jen had been labouring in the darkness between her contractions. Her sounds who had been sitting on the toilet for of her bedroom for the past couple of were rhythmic and controlled, slow in- a couple of surges. I checked the toilet hours. She had found a comfortable breaths and long audible exhales with and saw a bloody show (mucus plug) in position and was sticking with it. Dave sounds to engage her senses and release there; a great confirmation labour was was sitting beside her, massaging her the energy of life stirring inside her. I progressing well. Without too many lower back with his strong hands during heard her climb the summit of her surge questions, I let her know it was her call her contractions, and holding the heat and descend back into her rest phase. about when to make the move to the Yes, I thought, she sounds like she is birth centre. pack on in between.

I was in the kitchen reheating the finding her own path and is doing great!

Jen agreed and decided it was time.

I returned to their bedroom, Her contractions had moved up a notch other heat packs. The house was so quiet.

I could hear the tick-tock of their large bringing with me some scented candles, with her changing positions and walking wall clock overhead and the hum of the toasty heatpacks, a cup of tea for Dave, around so I suggested she try the fridge. As I waited out the microwave’s some small snacks, some iced water shower. Jen stood in the shower, rocking 3 minute timer, I gazed at the random with a straw, and a cooled peppermint and moaning through her surges. I collection of photos on the fridge tea for Jen. I lit the candles and found applied pressure to her lower back and spanning their lives together that had Jen’s ‘birth playlist’ on the ipod. The sacrum area, reminding her to slow her all lead to this very moment. breathing down and to ‘After each surge, I gently praised Jen as University graduation rest against the wall in gowned pride; their pet she was finding her rhythm within the pushing between. I stayed with dog; beaches, temples urges. I smiled at Dave to let him know all was her whilst Dave had and treks of a South well from where we stood and baby is very close’ a quick snack then East Asian odyssey; joy and laughter of room began to ooze the ambience of a went about organising things for the an exquisitely beautiful wedding day, to birthing space with soft hues of candle move into the birth centre. He collected the small fingers and toes of ultrasound light and soothing, almost entrancing Jen’s pillows, massage oil, music, labour pictures. A sense of privilege came music playing softy. snacks, affirmation cards, and the I stroked Jen’s hair softly, moving a overnight bags and got them all in the over me that I was with them, here in their home at the threshold of such a few strains off her face and whispered car. He checked on the dog, locked up significant life event - bringing their “you’re doing beautifully Jen, just the house and called the birth centre. baby into their world and beginning the perfect.” I smiled at Dave, offering “Shit Kristin, it’s getting really hard rest of their lives as parents. Over the reassurance as well as praise for his now. I’m so tired! What if I’m not even last four months we had met up a few invaluable support. He returned the dilating? Do you think I would be...?” times, had numerous phone and email gesture. I left the room again as all was Jen said looking unsure and a little conversations, and built a relationship of working well, knowing that intimacy defeated. trust and respect that comes to fruition and privacy enhance labour and if either “Yes, I can see you are working really over the wondrous event of a baby’s of them needed me I was just in the hard now - and you’re doing a brilliant birth. I wondered where the baby photos other room. job! All you need to do is keep your An hour or so, and a few check-ins rhythm with your breath - in and out would fit amongst the collage of their later, Dave came out to let me know Jen slowly - and use those sounds of yours, lives so far in front of me...

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Photo: Lauren Caporn Photography

Childbirth educator and doula, Kristin Beckedahl, gives an insight into the role of a doula and explains how this additional support can make all the difference to the pregnancy, birthing and postnatal journey.

they seem to really help move and release things! Move your body with that energy you are feeling, it’s a great release to move. After all, that energy is you, its yours. You CAN do this Jen, and I’m sure you are dilating. Bring in that big courage of yours now. We are here for you and getting into that birth pool is going to be so lovely.”

Confirming the power of positive language, with her next surge she seemed to refocus on her body and moved through her contractions with strength again. A little later I went on to help Jen get dry, dressed and into the car. I got her comfortable with pillows on the back seat, her heat pack and put an empty plastic container close by; some women get very nauseous with the car ride whilst in labour!

The day was just breaking. As I saw the sky and day stir from its slumber, I thought of the magical sense of opportunity that dawn brings. I followed Dave and Jen in my car and we were soon at the birth centre. I helped Jen from the car whilst Dave found a car park. Once inside and allocated a room, I introduced myself to the midwife with a smile, “Hello, I’m Kristin - birth support for Jen and Dave.” There was an inflatable birth pool in her room so whilst this was getting filled Jen continued to labour strongly, standing and leaning on Dave for support.

I fetched 3 jugs; one of water, one of ice and an empty one for the birth pool. Soon after, Dave and I helped Jen into a comfortable position on the floor, similar to that of home and I began some pressure point techniques on her lower back and sacral area. Dave stayed close, encouraging Jen with soft words, kisses and physical contact. The midwife did a few checks non-intrusively; the baby’s heart rate, Jen’s blood pressure and temperature. Finally the pool was ready! Dave and I helped Jen in. She moved around in the pool, almost in slow motion, scoping her space and finding how her body fit amongst it. Jen’s face and body softened and with an audible moan of relief that we all seemed to feel, she softy said “Oh, that’s nice. Mmmmm, so nice....”

Again she found comfort on her knees leaning on the strong walls of the pool. I grabbed a bean bag for Dave to kneel on so they could link arms and stay close. I leaned over the other end of the pool, using most of my body weight to apply double handed sacral pressure which Jen said really helped during contractions. In between, I moved to the sides of the pool and used long, firm strokes down either side of her lower back, buttocks and hips using the massage oil, or I poured warm water down her back using the empty jug. I poured some ice into a cup for Dave to offer Jen to suck on, and also a cup with

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a straw for sips of water. A little while later I fetched a face cloth to dunk in the jug of ice and showed Dave the areas that would feel great being cooled down; her forehead, cheeks, front and back of her neck. I went back to applying sacral pressure. I felt there was a great harmony between Dave and I as we supported Jen; he was a strong yet sensitive man.

Progressing beautifully, Jen soon hit what I like to call, ‘The Gate of Doubt’. A point of real uncertainty, often with resistance, confusion and the striking fear of the unknown; overwhelmed; seemingly the last threshold to cross. Also known to many as ‘transition’. It’s a time of immense vulnerability; physical and emotional. As the birthing mother, it’s almost impossible to integrate anything and it’s often the peak time of birth support from doulas, Dads and/or midwives. We had chatted about this prior and I had also talked to Dave about some useful strategies for support at this stage.

Jen shook her head. “Oh my god. I don’t know if I can do this for much longer. How much longer? I just can’t. Please.

I can’t do this, they’re too close, it’s too much for me now, I can’t.... I need something else...”

With some close physical contact from Dave, some key encouraging words from myself and the midwife, Jen pushed through her tears and her doubt, and refocused on what her body was doing. With a new set of labour sensations to adjust to, Jen began to instinctively push with her body’s second wind.

She gripped tightly onto Dave’s forearms, and fixed her teeth onto the facecloth resting on the pool side. I moved close to Jen whispering “Go with your body here Jen, it knows exactly what to do - trust it. If you can add to the pushes yourself, then do.

Power down, baby down, all the way down.”

I moved back around the birth pool so I could begin the pelvic press. A favourite of mine, it’s the simultaneous pushing inwards and slightly upwards on either side on the hip bones (the iliac crests) whilst Jen beared down. It requires some decent strength but when timed well it opens up the pelvic inlet a little more, offering more room for baby to descend, and also relieves sacral-pelvic pressure for the woman.

After each surge, I gently praised Jen as she was finding her rhythm within the pushing urges. I smiled at Dave to let him know all was well from where we stood and baby is very close. His face showed excitement, relief, anxiety and disbelief all at once. Jen soon announces, almost with surprise “I can feel it! The baby’s coming, oh, oh, oh..!” The midwife checked again using her mirror under the water and confirmed the good news. I encouraged Jen to listen in and connect with the

midwife’s voice with her last few pushes; to know when to bear down and when to breath through. With an almighty groan Jen birthed her baby’s head within one contraction! “Well done Jen!” said the midwife, “your baby’s head is out...”

I smiled up at Dave after seeing the baby’s pretty little face under the water. Big lips, eyes closed, peaceful, almost unawares. I then motioned for him to take a peak at his baby emerging. He excitedly stood up and looked into the water.

Overwhelmed with emotion, and always so beautiful to see in fathers, he buried his teary face into the side of Jen’s neck and whispered “Our baby is here! I love you, you’re amazing...”

Jen, still with her eyes tightly closed, took some depth, focusing breaths. I moved in gently and whispered to her “You can reach down and feel your baby’s head if you like...”

“Oh... my baby?” she replied. Almost in slow motion, her arm lifted off the side of the birth pool and found its way down and through the water to cup her baby’s head “Oh!....Oh my God! My baby. Oh my baby....!”

“OK Jen, with the next one you can push right down into your bottom and your baby will be here! This is it Jen, you’ll have your baby with the next contraction...”

Jen listened intently and began to take a few deep breaths in preparation for the next surge.

“OK. OK. OK, I can do this. Now. It’s coming...nowwwww....”

Her words dissolved into intense bearing down groans and her baby emerged completely, sending Jen forward into Dave’s chest from the force. The midwife gently turned the baby around underwater, at the same time untangling the cord that was loosely around its body. She then began to move the baby forward through Jen’s legs. “Here comes your baby Jen, reach down...” I said softly. Dave and Jen’s eyes widened. Together they saw their baby surface from the subdued cocoon of the water to the air and sounds of the world. Jen lifted her baby to her chest at the same time Dave pronounced “It’s a little girl...!”

My eyes filled with tears, as I soaked in all the sights, sounds and wondrous emotions that is Birth. I stepped back from Dave and Jen and allowed them to fully embrace their baby with privacy and silence. As a mother first and foremost, and as a doula close second, I relished in the incredible moment of Life.

How privileged I was - again - to witness such an event. After a brief moment I exhaled slowly, gathered my wits and grabbed my camera and started to quietly capture the exhilaration and joy surging through the room. My work as doula was far from done, yet I felt a definite sense of accomplishment and gratitude seeing a family form in front of my eyes.

Doulas: Top 10 Questions 1. What is a doula?

A doula is an experienced companion who understands the emotional and physical needs of a woman and her family throughout her pregnancy, labour, birth and early postnatal period, and provides continuous support (non-medical) and care for a woman throughout her whole experience.1 The word doula originates from the Ancient Greek word meaning ‘woman servant’. Another translation is ‘to mother the mother’. Doulas have extensive knowledge of the birth process, and essentially what is needed to allow the woman’s birthing hormones to work in the most safe and effective way. They adapt their care based on their client’s circumstances and preferences, and ensure they are always aware of their choices. They also assist in the decision making process by providing nonjudgemental, up-to-date, evidence based information for consideration by the couple.

They provide a source of consistent and continuous reassurance, comfort, encouragement and respect. Although a complementary part of a couple’s care team, doulas do not give medical advice or perform clinical tasks during labour such as monitoring baby’s heart rate, performing vaginal exams, assessing baby’s position, taking blood pressure etc.

There are birth doulas and postnatal doulas. The role of a postnatal doula is mostly nurturing and can involve support during the transitional period from hospital to home, reassuring and supporting the mother, help with establishing feeding (breast/bottle), care for older siblings, light housework, and/or preparing nutritious meals; helping mothers and babies get off to the best possible start.1

2. Who has a doula?

Some couples have a doula with their first birth, and others with subsequent births.

There are various reasons why women/couples hire doulas. Some recognise they may need extra support in an unfamiliar environment, and to help keep their birth preferences at the forefront of the experience. Some feel they will benefit greatly from the continual practical and emotional support, provided by a familiar face who understands their personal needs and wishes. Some women who have been dissatisfied with a previous birth experience, and wish to achieve a more positive experience, hire a doula for subsequent births. Women without the desired support people available also hire doulas. Doulas attend births at public and private hospitals, birth centres and homebirths.

3. When do you hire a doula?

The relationship with a doula usually begins months before the birth and extends into the early weeks/months of the postnatal period. The earlier you hire a doula in pregnancy the more time and opportunity you have to establish your personal needs, concerns and preferences, whilst also developing a trusting and respectful relationship.

4. Are all doulas the same?

Some doulas have many years of experience, whilst some are starting out on their journeys. Most doulas are mothers themselves; having personally travelled the various pregnancy and birthing journeys, adding a degree of compassion and experience. There is a sense of solidarity amongst doulas: a genuine concern for the couples to experience the very best across the pregnancy and birthing journey.

Some doulas are also working or trained in other fields or have additional skills they combine with their doula services. For example, some are childbirth educators, hypnobirthing practitioners or even midwives. Some are also naturopaths, yoga teachers, massage therapists, birth photographers, whilst some provide additional services to their doula packages e.g. photography, placenta encapsulation, baby massage, blessingways or a postnatal doula service too.

5. How much is a doula?

The cost of a standard doula package around Australia varies from $500 to $1,200. This

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Ways in which a Doula can support the mother during labour

Photo: Lauren Caporn Photography

interviewed after the births of their babies, fathers uniformly liked having a doula and did not feel that she interfered with their role. They reported that not only did doulas help them help the mums, but many of the doula’s support actions were directed personally at them.2

‘standard’ package often includes two or three prenatal visits, labour/birth support and one or two postnatal visits. The price range mostly depends on their level of training, experience and any other qualifications or skills that they incorporate into their work. For instance, trainee doulas are often on the lower end of the price range, whilst those that incorporate more services into their package are on the higher end. You may be able to hire a doula just for the labour/birth only, although most couples prefer to have established a relationship (and its many benefits) with their doula beforehand.

I often liken hiring of a doula as one of life’s great investments. Most are willing to invest in their wedding day, and employing the services of a doula comes at a very small fraction of the cost! This is one of the most important, if not THE most important days of a couple’s life, and the experience and outcome is significant to all involved.

6. What can I expect from a doula?

Within the prenatal visits doulas provide many various

aspects of birth education e.g. active birthing principles and positions, relaxation techniques, pain management strategies, partner’s role, how to keep labour safe and effective, medical interventions, what may be expected of them at their place of birth and to also work on their birth preferences (‘birth plan’).

Once labour has begun most doulas go to the couple’s home and stay with them during the early phases of labour. If they have already gone to hospital they will meet them there.

Throughout labour a doula aids the couple by offering physical, emotional and practical support. She may help with creating a tranquil environment with low lighting and calming music; suggest positive labour positions, guide with visualisations, assist with pain management or give guidance to the Dad if need be. She may assist with heatpacks, massage, water therapy, encouraging words and reassurance, and drinks/food for both parents. Her presence also allows the Dad to rest or sleep if the labour is long. She provides information about the birth process, the medical assistance that is available or has been offered, and the less invasive or natural alternatives. She often helps facilitate good communication between the couple and the careproviders and is there for them to talk things over with, provide information for decision making, and ultimately support and respect any choices they make. A doula is still active in her role if an induction or epidural takes place or a caesarean is required, adapting her tasks within these circumstances.

A doula’s role is often versatile, and she can accommodate the couple’s needs at any time, e.g. offering continuous involvement or respectful privacy. A doula stays with the couple throughout the length of the labour and birth, and for the first couple of hours after the birth. Here she can continue to create the intimate space for bonding, assist with breastfeeding and any other practical tasks. Most doulas leave once everyone is settled and happy, and the family is ready for some private time.

7. What about the Dad?

A common misconception is that a doula displaces the Dad. The support that partners bring to the birth is something very unique and that something cannot be replicated. Doulas often work alongside, and interchangeably with the Dads, and typically enhance and complement his role. Doulas also adapt to his needs and wishes throughout and can offer guidance and reassurance when appropriate, e.g. suggesting certain massage techniques or positions, and share in the practical tasks.

Having an extra support person in the room can certainly take the pressure off the Dad and can allow him to participate fully, at his own comfort level, in the often intensely emotional experience of seeing his baby come into the world. When

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8. What effect does the presence of a doula have on the mother?

Women’s strongest feelings (in terms of their birthings), positive and negative, focus on the way they were treated by their caregivers.3 Extensive studies have also shown that when a doula is present during and after childbirth, women report greater satisfaction with their birth experience, make more positive assessments of their babies, reduced chance of maternal fever and infection, have fewer caesareans and requests for medical intervention, and less postnatal depression. Mothers also feel more secure, more in control, have reduced levels of anxiety, reduced maternal bleeding following birth and have a higher regard and increased sensitivity towards their babies.

They are more affectionate to their babies in postnatal period and there is an increased chance of successful breastfeeding.4

9. Where can I find a doula?

There are online national directories of doulas throughout Australia (e.g. www.findadoula.com or www.australiandoulas. com.au or www.birthafloat.com) that allow you to read over profiles and/or find direct links to the doula’s website. It is best to create a shortlist of doulas that you feel drawn to for one reason or another and make a point of contact through a phone call or email. The next step is meeting in person, this is usually an informal get together that ideally both partners attend. Here you can ask the doula any questions about her services and perhaps more importantly, see if you are a good match personally. It is advised you meet with a few doulas until you both feel you have found the right one for you.

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10. How do I become a doula?

There are various organisations around Australia and internationally, that offer birth doula and postnatal doula training. Some are face-to-face training whilst others are by correspondence. These include: www.australiandoulas.com.au www.australiandoulacollege.com.au www.birthingwisdom.com.au www.birtharts.com

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References

• Placenta Care and Service

1. Definitions from Australian Doulas www.australiandoulas. com.au 2. Goer, H (1999) The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth, Putnam Publishing 3. Annie Kennedy & Penny Simkin www.pennysimkin.com 4. Hodnett, E.D, Gates, S, Hofmeyr, G.J, Sakala, C, Weston, J (2011) Continuous support for women during childbirth.

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Kristin Beckedahl is Naturopath, Childbirth Educator, Doula and mother of two. Her practice BodyWise BirthWise, provides naturopathic services and products, holistic childbirth education, birth support and continuity of care throughout the postnatal transition.

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p

Breathing In New Life We all know breathing is essential to living! However, did you know how powerful it can be when using it in deliberate ways? Allison Davies illustrates how breathing affirmations and different breathing techniques during pregnancy, first and second stage of labour can assist in childbirth.

Photo: Spikey Hedgehog Photography

We

all know how important belly breathing allows more air into the breaths controlled. Slowly count as you it is to allow ourselves to lungs, which allows for more oxygen breathe in 1...2...3…4, then hold and ‘just breathe’ - be still, have some ‘you’ to be supplied to both you and your exhale 1...2...3...4. As you hold you are time – especially when we are pregnant. baby. This enriches every single cell in allowing more time for the oxygen to be It is drummed into us by friends, family, your body – your vital organs, muscles, absorbed in the lungs and as you exhale doctors of all modalities, therapists, brain function, hair, skin and nails will you are eliminating carbon dioxide counsellors and well-meaning strangers. all benefit. In addition, more oxygen to waste from your body. Whilst it does not But sometimes it seems nearly your body will help you to relax, focus matter what number you count up to, it impossible, especially as a parent, to and sleep better. pays to spend a little longer on the out successfully achieve this monumental In our normal everyday breathing breath than the in breath if possible. It is task! we generally find ourselves breathing important to remember that you can not Firstly, about 75% of women shallow breaths into our chests and truly inhale unless you truly and fully experience breathlessness during we can actually see our chests and exhale. pregnancy. Increased levels of the shoulders rising and falling as we inhale The further into your pregnancy pregnancy hormone progesterone and exhale. This type of breathing does you are the harder belly breathing will change the way your body absorbs not allow for the potential of oxygen we become, so if possible start practicing in oxygen which results in much deeper could be bringing into our bodies and the first trimester – starting with 10 deep breaths, though at the same respiratory will not help prepare us for breathing breaths both morning and night. It may rate as before. This, in conjunction during labour. take a bit of practice to master but you with the weight of ‘[Deep breathing] enriches every single cell in your will feel energised, a growing baby refreshed and body – your vital organs, muscles, brain function, pushing into your relaxed once you hair, skin and nails will all benefit. In addition more diaphragm, can oxygen to your body will help you to relax, focus and get the hang of make the task seem it. Practicing with sleep better.’ quite overwhelming. Gentle aerobic your birthing partner is recommended exercise such as swimming, yoga and When practicing proper belly if you intend to co-breath during labour. walking can assist your breathing during breathing, imagine an empty jug being pregnancy. If you feel dizzy, light-headed filled with water – the water fills the BREATHING or uncomfortable while practicing your jug from the bottom up, filling every AFFIRMATIONS DURING breathing exercises either lessen the little nook and cranny before the water PREGNANCY extent of your inhalations or take a rest level rises. Our lungs work in exactly Using breath as a source of and come back to it later. Make sure you the same way. Put your hands on your affirmation during pregnancy is adapted discuss any respiratory conditions such belly, hips and lower back; imagine the from the Buddhist art of practicing as asthma or any concerns you may have air going firstly to the base of your core breath to become fully aware. about your breathing with your doctor. and feel your body move outwards as the Writing affirmations can be personal diaphragm allows your lungs to expand, and you may choose to do this alone.

BREATHING DURING AND allowing more and more oxygen into After some quiet reflection write down AFTER PREGNANCY your body. a list of words you believe will help you The benefits of deep abdominal, or Counting your inhalations and during your pregnancy and childbirth belly, breathing are numerous. Deep exhalations will help with keeping belly journeys, for example: strong, calm, www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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alive, open. Now adapt these to fit with your belly breaths, for example: ‘Breathing in I am strong, breathing out I am strong’; ‘Breathing in I am calm, breathing out I am calm’; ‘Breathing in I am alive, breathing out I am alive’; and so on. Write your breathing affirmations down, illustrate them, make them pretty and then stick them on your walls, next to your bed, above the kitchen bench – anywhere you may be inclined to practice.

Make sure, as you practice, that you BELIEVE what you are reading.

Take them to the hospital with you, allow your partner to read them to you or with you as you breath, believe in the words as you breath, look at the words as you breath – however you choose to use your affirmation cards they will become invaluable tools for you during the childbirth journey.

Whilst there are no rules for writing affirmations, it is important to ensure that they only contain positive words. Stay away from phrases such as ‘Breathing in I feel no pain’ and replace them with ‘Breathing in I feel my baby’ or ‘Breathing in I gain strength’.

contractions can really help – never mind how it may appear to those around you, birthing staff have seen and heard it all before!

Try not to allow fear or panic into your mind. When you are tense or frightened your body releases adrenalin, your breathing will become shallow and rapid, and your shoulders and chest will again begin to rise as you breathe.

Panic-breathing is a common reaction to very stressful or frightening situations, especially during strong contractions, and though this is normal your body cannot continue in this state for long before becoming fatigued. Recognising panic-breathing and bringing it back to controlled belly breaths will help your body conserve energy.

Birthing partners have a very important task during this stage. They can make eye contact and breathe in time with you, give you water in between contractions to stop your mouth drying out, remind you to keep your jaw, mouth and shoulders relaxed, help you count your in and out breaths to maintain the control and most importantly – remind you to breathe!

BREATHING DURING THE 1ST STAGE OF LABOUR

BREATHING DURING 2ND STAGE LABOUR

Controlled belly breathing during the first stage of labour maximises oxygen levels for you and your baby and is a fabulous, natural method of pain relief.

Take a deep breath, filling the base of your lungs with air first, at the beginning of each contraction and slowly exhale keeping your mouth, cheeks and jaw soft as you do so. Focus solely on your deep belly breaths and affirmations during each contraction and relax in between them. Using sound and movement in conjunction with your breath during

When it comes time to push your breathing patterns will once again change. You will need to refocus your breath and mind and now use them to assist you push down through your body. Try not to hold your breath during this stage, but also avoid airy, controlled exhales as they will not help you either.

Take a deep in breath before each push and use your breath instinctively, with guidance from your doctor, midwife or doula.

Having mastered the skill of

breathing, you have on your hands an invaluable life tool. Once the journey of pregnancy and childbirth has passed and you embark on the amazing path of parenthood you will undoubtedly at times hear that little voice again - ‘just breathe’, be still, have some ‘you’ time.

Allison Davies is a registered music therapist with The Australian Music Therapy Association and owner of ‘Tasmanian Music and Vibrational Therapy’. She lives and works with her little family in Tasmania, specialising in the areas of early childhood intervention and mental health.

Delivering a healthy WA

Pregnant?

Congratulations!

Have your baby with the

Community Midwifery Program

Recommended Reading

1. Mother’s Breath: A definitive Guide to Yoga Breathing, Sound and Awareness Practices During Pregnancy, Birth, Post-natal Recovery and Mothering

by Uma Dinsmore-Tuli

References

1. Czipin, J (2012) Practice Manual Pranayama: Breathing exercises for Yogis, free divers and pregnant women (Kindle Ed), Books On Demand 2. Nhat Hanh, T (1996) Breathe! You are Alive: Sutra on the Full Awareness of Breathing, Parallax Press Revised Ed 3. Dinsmore-Tuli, U (2006) Mother’s Breath: A definitive Guide to Yoga Breathing, Sound and Awareness Practices During Pregnancy, Birth, Post-natal Recovery and Mothering, Sitaram and Sons 4. Weil, A (1999) Breathing: The Master Key to Self Healing (The Self Healing Series) (Audio CD), Sounds True, Incorporated

Supporting Normal Birth Women & family centred care Continuity of care from known midwives Antenatal classes 2 to 4 weeks postnatal care Lactation support Publicly funded Appointments in your home and at clinics Home birth Water birth CMP Kalamunda Birthing Rooms Domino care (Hospital or Family Birth Centre) Community Midwifery Program T 94067739 F 94067721 www.cmwa.net.au/cmp E cmp.wchs@health.wa.gov.au

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Breastfeeding: To Infinity & Beyond?

Breastfeeding into toddlerhood has been taboo in our culture for a while. Mothers that do continue breastfeeding usually do it in private for fear of the looks and comments the will receive. However, as explained

by Robyn Noble, IBCLC, their are wonderful benefits of continuing to breastfeed past the baby stage

There’s

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Faith, 2 years old Photo: ILexi Martin

n o t h i n g growth and development, but are baby ‘formula’ called ‘human milk q u i t e handicapped by having small stomachs. fortifier’ designed to be added to like breastfeeding for stirring people Breast milk is designed to pass quickly expressed breast milk.

Its name up. Even if they know nothing about through the stomach so it can be quickly reinforces Western insecurities about it, everyone has an opinion on it! refilled. It adds an extra nutritional mother’s milk, especially that it might Westerners often have very strong views ‘safety margin’ for young children, need fortifying because it is ‘not strong when it continues into the long-term - especially if they fall ill. Even better, enough’. Even better, it also manages to whatever that may mean to those with human milk is highly protective against confuse the issue of what the ‘fortifier’ the opinion. We even manage to attach infection, defending children against a is made from. Not only parents, but distorted emotional and sexual attitudes huge range of infective agents. Sickness also health professionals are sometimes to breastfeeding – especially when deprives their bodies of resources that surprised to learn that it is made from those still doing it are walking, talking would otherwise be used to thrive and cow milk, not breast milk. It is actually children. Some find it confronting to grow.4 an unnecessary and quite see a baby of any age breastfeeding, ‘We even manage to attach distorted hazardous product.

If emotional and sexual attitudes to let alone a child who is able to needed, a far superior breastfeeding – especially when those still ‘fortifier’ can be easily ask for it!1 On top of that, there is doing it are walking, talking children.’ made from centrifuged the Fear Factor. Having convinced human milk.7 The belief that breast milk cannot be ourselves in a mere 200 years that we are incapable as a species of breastfeeding relied on to nourish a child after some IT’S OK TO USE BREASTS our young, we are easily alarmed at the random point in time suits the interests TO SELL STUFF, BUT idea of entrusting older babies’ welfare of commercial baby food manufacturers. BREASTFEED A 2 YEAR OLD Such anxieties encourage parents to ON THE BEACH? to human milk.2 wean onto ‘formula’ and to overdose Breasts attract attention in most older babies with solids well before Western countries because they are ‘IS MY MILK STILL GOOD they are physiologically ready to cope primarily seen as sex objects. So it FOR MY BABY ONCE SHE’S with large volumes of food other than makes good commercial sense to use OVER 6 MONTHS?’ Although it is not logical to suppose mother’s milk.5 buxom women to advertise products.

The artificial feeding industry is very You sell more if you can get people to that nutrients somehow fall out of human milk at a certain point, the idea is quite adept at creating favourable impressions notice your product. But if breasts are persistent. This fantasy event apparently of its products with words. Use of the considered mainly sexual rather than happens quite spontaneously at wildly term ‘formula’ was a stroke of inspired the means to feed babies, some people varying times – I have heard estimates of brilliance. It suggests all the things are bound to feel confused and upset 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, formula is not – 100% safe, scientific when confronted by the latter.8 and reliable. Marketing has also been a year and so on.3 In Western countries, sexual abuse Actually, human milk subtly adjusts pitched to have snob appeal – if you can accusations have even been made over time, matching the changing needs afford to artificially feed your child, you against mothers for breastfeeding of a growing child. This is especially supposedly enjoy a higher social ranking toddlers and older children. Children important for toddlers – they have high than ‘those other people’.6 have been removed from their families, There is even a special premature with at least one mother separated from nutrient and calorie needs for optimal

her child and jailed for a year. In the light of this, it can be seen why we have had to pass laws that attempt to protect women from being told that they cannot breastfeed in public.9

THE IMPACT OF EARLY WEANING

Anything that threatens the natural longevity of breastfeeding relationships increases the risk of negative impacts on: • mothers’ emotional and psychological health, including postnatal depression rates • emotional bonding between mothers and their children, contributing to child neglect and abuse • the development of a child’s security and trust, the basis of his future relationships So potentially, pressure on women and children to stop breastfeeding before they are ready – along with a general lack of encouragement and active support for extended breastfeeding – contributes to other social and community ills well beyond the issue of setting up children’s physical health for the rest of their lives.10

us, to relax into this new life and to stop worrying constantly if we are ‘doing the right things’. Even then, babies grow and change, so the adjustments are ongoing. It is easy to feel overwhelmed, especially if we do not have enough help and support. We take the responsibility for every aspect of baby care very personally!11 Trying to cope with so much strangeness is very unsettling.

Because breastfeeding is usually the aspect we understand least and fret over most, it is common to blame it for constant tiredness. Actually, trying to be the perfect mother is probably the most exhausting thing we do. Breastfeeding provides welcome rest periods for mothers and frequent opportunities to bond with babies. It is a comforting ‘antidote’ for much of the strangeness.

‘I COULDN’T KEEP BREASTFEEDING BECAUSE IT WAS TAKING TOO MUCH OUT OF ME!’

Because we don’t usually spend much time with babies as we grow up, it can be a rude shock to discover how much time they consume, how much effort is involved in caring for them and how intense the whole experience of being a mother is!

Breastfeeding is yet another major learning curve on top of all that. So it can take months to adapt to the new demands on www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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d Toby, 3 yrs ol

Phoenix , 18 months old

Rosie, 6 wee ks old

ths old Layla, 18 mon

TuDevlin, 2.

5 yrs old

Eli, 2yrs & A bbey 3 mths

old

s old Coopie, 2 yr

‘SO, HOW LONG SHOULD I BREASTFEED?’

Western women feel the need to ask this question because of a lack of experience with breastfeeding as the usual way to feed babies and young children. The short answer is As long as you and your child wish to.

It is also helpful if the following points are made: • The average weaning age around our planet is 2½ - 7 years. It has not changed in millennia, so can be regarded as the evolutionary norm for our species. We have the longest childhoods of any species on Earth. The last stage of human development –involving the frontal lobes of our brains - is not complete until our late twenties. So it is fair to say that it takes us 30 years to grow up! We do not create greater dependency

Photo: Impr int Imaging

References

Malakai, 13 months old

d Evie 4 Asha, 2 yrs an

Adele, 14 mon ths

old

months

Emiliana, 16

months old

ths old Alexis, 5 mon

Occasional women find that they lose too much weight while breastfeeding. Some simply ‘forget’ to eat when they are stressed – others just need a lot more fat and protein in their diets. Too many women constantly fill up on carbohydrate instead of eating more sustaining meals – a sure recipe for constant exhaustion. ths old Jaxon, 21 mon

onths old Teyani, 13 m

1. Baumslag N, Michels DL (1995) Milk, Money and Madness: the culture and politics of breastfeeding Bergin & Garvey, USA Cohen R, Lange L, Slusser W (2002) A description of a male-focused breastfeeding promotion corporate lactation program, J Hum Lact 18(1):61-65 Foss KA, Southwell BG (2006) Infant feeding and the media: the relationship between Parents’ Magazine content and breastfeeding, 1972-2000 Int Breastfeed J 1:10 Gribble KD (2008) Long-term breastfeeding: changing attitudes and overcoming challenges Breastfeed Rev 16(1):5-15 2. Dykes F, Williams C (1999) Falling by the wayside: a phenomenological exploration of perceived breast milk inadequacy in lactating women Midwifery 15:232-246 Nylander G, Lindemann R, Helsing E, Bendvold E (1991) Unsupplemented breastfeeding in the maternity ward: positive longterm effects Acta Obstet Gynecol Scand 70:205-209 Ekström A, Widström A-M, Nissen E (2003) Duration of breastfeeding in Swedish primiparous and multiparous women, J Hum Lact 19(2):172-178 Hawdon JM, Williams AF, Lawrence SM et al (2000) Formula supplements given to healthy breastfed preterm babies inhibit postnatal metabolic adaptation: results of a randomised controlled trial Arch Dis Child 82(suppl 1):A30 Mezzacappa ES, Katkin ES (2002) Breastfeeding is associated with reduced perceived stress and negative mood in mothers Health Psychol 21(2):187-193 Casiday RE, Wright CM, Panter-Brick C et al (2004) Do early infant feeding patterns relate to breastfeeding continuation and weight gain?

Data from a longitudinal cohort study Eur J Clin Nutr 58:1290-1296 3. ed Akre J (1989) Infant Feeding: the Physiological Basis. Bulletin of the WHO, supplement to Vol. 67 Kronborg H, Vaeth M (2004) The influence of psychosocial factors on the duration of breastfeeding, Scand J Pub Health 32:210-216 Acker M (2009) Breast is best.....but not everywhere: ambivalent sexism and attitudes toward private and public breastfeeding Sex Roles 61:476-490 Gribble KD (2008)

•

• •

•

in young children by breastfeeding into the second year and beyond. Our children are by nature already highly dependent. The evidence is that trying to force children to be less so merely results in child insecurity that persists through life as lower self-esteem, lower self-confidence, depression and other psychological and emotional issues.12 Breastfeeding is a central part of the communication and bonding that goes on between mother and child. Inextricably, breastfeeding is the natural foundation stone for this primary relationship.13 As such, breastfeeding is not a competition which the longest feeding duos ‘win’.

For mothers who breastfeed older children, it is not about reaching some long-term target, and more about continuing to do so for as long as it feels right and is in accord with the child’s needs.14 If there is concern about a lengthy breastfeeding relationship, a basic question is, ‘Is the child being harmed by it?’ It is difficult to make a serious case for longterm breastfeeding to be harmful for a child - even if a mother seems to have her own psychological agenda, leaving her

4.

See Reference 3 and Baumslag N, Michels DL (1995) Morley D, Lovel H (1993) My Name is Today Macmillan, London Minchin M (1993) Breastfeeding: Advantages for Developed Nations.

Alma Publications, Almadale, Melbourne, Australia Palmer G (2011) Complementary Feeding: nutrition, culture and politics Pinter & Martin Ltd, London 5. Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA) (1995) Exclusive breastfeeding beyond six months Topics in Breastfeeding Set VII, Lactation Resource Centre, Melbourne, Australia ABA (2009a) Introducing Solids, ABA Booklet, Mothers Direct, Australia ABA (2009b) Weaning ABA Booklet, Mothers Direct, Australia Binns CW, Scott JA (2002) Breastfeeding: reasons for starting, reasons for stopping and problems along the way Breastfeeding Rev 10:13-19 Akre J (2006) The problem with breastfeeding: a personal reflection Hale Publishing, Amarillo, Texas, USA Palmer G (2009) The Politics of Breastfeeding: when breasts are bad for business, Printer and Martin Ltd, London Palmer G (2011) 6. Baumslag N, Michels DL (1995) ed Akre J (1989) ed Saadeh RJ (1993) Breastfeeding: the technical basis and recommendations for action. WHO, Geneva Wolf J (2000) The social and medical construction of lactation pathology Women & Health 30(3):93-110 IBFAN (2007) Breaking the rules – stretching the rules http://www. ibfan.org/site2005/Pages/article.php?art_id=510&iui=1 Berry NJ, Jones S, Iverson D (2009) It’s all formula to me: women’s understandings of toddler milk ads, Breastfeed Rev 17(3):21-30 McGuire E (2006) Marketing Artificial Baby Milk in Australia Hot Topic No23 Lactation Resource Centre, ABAssociation 7. Lucas A (1998) Programming by early nutrition: an experimental approach J Nutr 128(2 Suppl):401S-406S Saarinen KM, Iuntunen-Backman K et al (1999) Supplementary feeding in maternity hospitals and the risk of cow’s milk allergy: a prospective study of 6209 infants J Allergy Clin Immunol 104:457-461 Gunasekera H (2005) Designer infant formulas: making a killing J R Soc Med 98:551-552 Lucas A, Cole TJ (1990) Breast milk and neonatal necrotising

open to accusations of over-reliance on breastfeeding to fulfill her own needs.

Misgivings about the mother’s motives are most likely to be cultural value judgments before they are anything else.15 • Breastfeeding cannot continue unless the child wishes it to!

• It is a cooperative arrangement between mother and child. It is not something that a mother can ‘inflict’ on her child, though amazingly, some women have been accused of this by health professionals and others.

Unless the child is at risk of physical harm from a psychotic mother, mothers ought to be entrusted with deciding how long their children breastfeed. Fathers are the only ones entitled to have any opinion on the length of a breastfeeding relationship, other than the ‘primary stakeholders’ – mother and child. Even then, it is undesirable for fathers to feel they have a right to dictate the terms of this liaison.

Ancient traditions of both Jewish and Islamic lore are that fathers provide all the material support needed for wives to breastfeed for the first two years. Overall, it is the sacred masculine role of fathers to protect and support breastfeeding duos from the judgments that various uninvolved outsiders seem compelled to make.

The quality of non-verbal communication developed by mothers with their children is unique - mothers know enterocolitis Lancet 336:1519-1523 Kaplan DL, Graff KM (2008) Marketing breastfeeding – reversing corporate influence on infant feeding practices J Urban Health 85:486-504 Slusher T, Hampton R et al (2003) Promoting the exclusive feeding of own mother’s milk through the use of hindmilk and increased maternal milk volume for hospitalised low birth weight infants (<1800g) in Nigeria: a feasibility study J Hum Lact 19(2):191-198 Ogechi AA, William O, Fidelia BT (2007) Hindmilk and weight gain in preterm very low birth weight infants Pediatr Int 49(2):156-160 Butte NF, Wong WW, Hopkinson JM, Smith EO, Ellis KJ (2000) Infant feeding mode affects early growth and body composition Pediatr 106:1355-1366 Baird J, Fisher D, Lucas P et al (2005) Being big or growing fast: systematic review of size and growth in infancy and later obesity BMJ 331(7522):929 Nyqvist KH (2008) Early attainment of breastfeeding competence in very preterm infants Acta Paediatr 97(6):776781 American Academy of Pediatrics (2005) Policy statement: Breastfeeding and the use of human milk Pediatr 115:496-506 Dykes F (2006) The education of health practitioners supporting breastfeeding women: time for critical reflection Matern Child Nutr 2:204-216 Amir LH, Ingram J (2008) Health professionals’ advice for breastfeeding problems: not good enough! Int Breastfeeding J 3:22 Czank C, Simmer K, Hartmann PE (2009) A method for standardizing the fat content of human milk for use in the neonatal intensive care unit Int Breastfeeding J 16(4):3 Smith J, Dunstone M, Elliott-Rudder M (2009) Health professional knowledge of breastfeeding: are the health risks of infant formula feeding accurately conveyed by the titles and abstracts of journal articles? J Hum Lact 25(3):350-358 8. Ford CS, Beach FA (1951) Patterns of sexual behaviour Harper & Row, New York (identified only 13 of 190 cultures in which men regard breasts as part of a woman’s sexual attractiveness –

before anyone else if anything is wrong with their children. They are the ones in the best position to know if their children are ready to wean.

new

PROTECTING BREASTFED CHILDREN FROM OTHER PEOPLE’S ATTITUDES

Contrasting with the evolutionary norm, Western mothers are often challenged about breastfeeding in general and how long they do it in particular. Whether strangers or not, some people are downright offensive in their opinions, so some women feel the need to encourage older breastfed children to restrict breastfeeds to home. The intention is to protect innocent children from having a precious experience blighted by its opponents.

Breastfeeding for at least the first few years of children’s lives is normal. Only in Western countries is it seen as peculiar in any way or even worth comment. As amazed Papua-New Guinean native women explained decades ago to a Western anthropologist trying to interview them about their breastfeeding practices – There is no need to talk about it because every woman knows how to breastfeed!16 Robyn Noble has been in the breastfeeding world for over 35 years, 21 of them as a lactation consultant. She set up Australia’s first private breastfeeding clinic, Bayside Breastfeeding Clinic, 18 years ago. this is learned behaviour!)

Dettwyler KA (1995) Beauty and the breast: the cultural context of breastfeeding in the United States (Chapter 7) in eds Stuart-Macadam P, Dettwyler KA Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives Aldine de Gruyter, NY Morse JM (1989) ‘Euch, those are for your husband!’ – examination of cultural values and assumptions associated with breastfeeding Health Care for Women International 11:223-232 ABA (2008) Sex and the Breastfeeding Woman, ABA Booklet, Mothers Direct, Australia Hauck YL (2004) Factors influencing mothers’ decision to breastfeed in public Breastfeeding Rev 12(1):15-23 9. See Reference 8 and Baumslag N, Michels DL (1995) Mezzacappa ES, Katkin ES (2002) 10. Ekstrom A, Nissen E (2006) A mother’s feelings for her infant are strengthened by excellent breastfeeding counselling and continuity of care Pediatr 118:e309-e314 McCartner-Spalding D, Horowitz JA (2007) How does postpartum depression affect breastfeeding? MCN Am J Matern Child Nurs 32(1):10-17 Hertenstein M (2002) Touch: its communicative functions in infancy Hum Dev 45:70-94 Britton JR, Britton HL, Gronwaldlt V (2006) Breastfeeding, sensitivity and attachment Pediatr 118:e1436-e1443 Korosi A, Baram TZ (2009) The pathways from mother’s love to baby’s future Front Behav Neurosci 3:27 Swain JE, Kim P, Ho SS (2011) Neuroendocrinology of parental response to baby-cry J Neuroendocrinol 23(11):1036-1041 Strathearn L, Mamun AA, Najman JM, O’Callaghan MJ (2009) Does breastfeeding protect against substantiated child abuse and neglect? A 15 year cohort study Pediatr 123:483-493

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The rest of the references are available at www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au, click on Articles and then click on Breastfeeding: To Infinity & Beyond.

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A Carrier For All Ocassions

Is it safe?

Do your research and make sure that the carrier you are buying has a good reputation and is well made. When buying a second hand carrier, check whether the carrier has been subject to a recall by searching for the name online.

Check over your carrier before first use and continue to check it before use. If in doubt contact the manufacturer to get their opinion. You can find more information on carrier safety on www.babycarrierindustryalliance.org.

Have fun Lastly and most importantly, enjoy carrying your baby all the way through to independent walking. Carrying creates amazing memories and should above all be fun!

“Childhood is the world of miracle and magic. It is as if creation rose luminously out of the night, all new and fresh and astounding.”

Eugene Ionesco, Present Past/Past Present

There is a carrier for any occasion but is there a carrier for all occasions?

Many parents who carry their children in a carrier invest in a collection of different carriers. With some types of carrier, sharing between parents is difficult. Especially, if there is a size difference between the adults to be taken into account. So is it possible to find one carrier which works for most parents from birth to independent walking?

Not everyone can or wants to invest in more than one carrier, for some there will be economical considerations whilst others may have limited space or want to live a life with

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less material belongings. Whatever your reason if you want to see if you can make it work with one carrier here are some points to consider.

What do I need from my carrier?

For a carrier to be able to last for three years it needs to be suitable in all seasons and be appropriate for newborns as well as toddlers. You may want to consider how you will keep your baby warm in cold weather and cool in hot weather. A warm woolly carrier may not be your best choice if you need to be able to carry in hot temperatures.

Colour wise it needs to appeal to you and be able to continue appealing to you for three years. Fashions will change and there will be many different designs coming out over the next there years. If opting for an Asian Style Carrier you could explore custom carrier options so that you can design your own dream carriers whilst for wraps www.wovenwraps.net is worth a visit, this is an online database with most wrap designs ever woven.

You may want to consider whether you want a variety of carrying positions to be possible. Many parents start out with carrying their child on their front and move on to hip and back carrying as the child grows. Not all carriers allow for changes in position.

If you or your child has any special or additional needs you may want to consider consulting a professional before deciding on your carrier.

How much time do I want to invest?

Wrapping for example is a skill. For some people this skill comes completely naturally and they need very little instruction in the use of a wrap. For others it takes time, dedication and a helping hand to get the hang of where all the material goes and what it does. Wraps are by far the most versatile option especially if you want a range of carrying positions to choose from.

Asian Style Carriers, like the Mei Tai, tend to be easier to master and some have an adjustability which means they span a wider age range than they did even two years ago.

Ringslings are often touted as easy to use, as a one shoulder carrier they tend to be less popular for an only carrier as many parents find using a one shoulder carrier for long periods of time uncomfortable. They can be used from birth to walking

and are very popular with toddlers wanting up and down a lot.

There are a myriad of videos available from Youtube and new carriers usually come with extensive instructions.

What is my budget?

There are enormous differences in the price for carriers which vary from brand to brand and with the material or design of your choice. It is possible to buy a second hand carrier and of course this also has the benefit of already being ‘broken in’ which means that the material will feel soft and is generally easier to tie.

Do I have anything else to transport my baby?

Babies are not aware of your options and will not hesitate the burp their milk all over your carrier. The great thing about soft carriers is that they are easy to wash and dry – please always follow washing instructions as some carriers may need special treatment. Washing and drying takes time and if you decide to only use one carrier then you need to consider how you will transport your child whilst the carrier is being washed and dried.

Anne McEwan is a babywearing consultant and educator with over 8 years experience. Anne was a babywearing trainer for Trageschule UK and www.wrapmybaby.co.uk and is currently writing a babywearing safety course for Born to Carry.

For further babywearing information, please go to www.borntocarry.com

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Who is using the carrier?

The standard size for a long woven wrap is between 4.5m and 4.8m. This size is suitable for most people. Petite parents can choose to use a size smaller and bigger parents a size larger.

If sharing a wrap you will need to choose the length which suits the biggest person.

Likewise with an Asian style carrier some have the option of extra long straps or a waist extender whilst other models are a better fit for petite parents.

Ringsling sizing is based on the length of the fabric used, sizing can be brand dependent and you can measure with a measuring tape around you like a ringsling to get a gauge of what size you would need.

Can I trade up?

Even with a carrier which may not last quite as long as you initially envisioned it may be possible to sell the original carrier second hand and put the money towards a bigger model. Carriers which have been well looked after tend to hold their market value very well and if you strike lucky you may even find that by the time you are ready to sell your carrier has become very sought after.

Your baby will love being snuggled close to you With the wide padded hip belt, adjustable shoulder straps and integrated support for newborns (3.5kg), manduca® carriers are perfect from the early weeks right through toddlerhood.

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Super Foods

For Super Healthy Kids Gone are the days when there was heathy food and fatty food! We now have what is known as ‘Super Foods’. As Lisa Guy explains, these foods are nutritionally dense and help children be super healthy!

Spirulina boasts high levels of beta- system health. A deficiency in DHA is foods are considered the carotene, which is converted to vitamin associated with childhood behavioural most nutritionally dense foods on the A by the body, and used to support problems such as ADHD. Chia seeds are planet. They possess exceptional health immune health and good eyesight. This also a good source of protein and iron benefits and the ability to help prevent super algae is also a great source of easily which build strong muscles, and calcium illness and disease. Including an array digestible protein, to supply amino acids to help support strong healthy bones of super foods in your child’s diet is one for growth and development, omega-3 and teeth. This super food will also of the best ways to help strengthen their fats, needed for healthy brain function provide your kids with plenty of fibre immunity, support healthy digestion, and B12, which is vital for children’s to help keep their bowels working well improve brain function, as well as boost nervous system health. and help give them a sense of fullness, their vitality and energy and keep their blood ‘Including an array of super foods in your child’s sugar levels more levels. The following group of super foods diet is one of the best ways to help strengthen their balanced. are super rich in immunity, support healthy digestion, improve brain Chia seeds are important vitamins, function, as well as boost their vitality and energy extremely versatile levels. ’ minerals, and and easy to add into Spirulina is also a great source of children’s diets. You can sprinkle them antioxidants that will help your child reach their full potential and optimal iodine, which is a very important trace over porridge or breakfast cereals, salads mineral that is needed for proper thyroid or vegies, or blend through smoothies, health. function. Iodine is essential throughout fresh juices or desserts. Ground chia childhood for normal growth and seeds are easier to digest and utilize their SPIRULINA Spirulina is one of the most development and for healthy brain nutrients. nutrient rich foods around. Spirulina function. Even a mild iodine deficiency is a powerful immune tonic, which can lower a child’s IQ. A study found that COLD WATER FISH stimulates the immune system and will an impressive 81 per cent of children Oily, cold water fish such as salmon, help protect your child from colds and who took just one gram of spirulina daily trout, sardines, mackerel and herring, for six weeks, experienced improvement are rich in omega-3 essential fatty acids, flu and other infections.

Many studies from around the globe in their academic scores.1 especially DHA, which are an extremely have shown spirulina’s outstanding important part of your child’s diet. This capacity to improve childhood CHIA SEEDS beneficial fat is essential for your child’s They may be tiny but these super brain function and development, and to malnourishment. Spirulina is an excellent, highly-available, source of seeds are packed with nutritional assist with memory and cognitive ability. iron, beneficial for preventing anaemia goodness kids need for good health. Omega-3’s cannot be made by the body, in children, which is the most common Chia seeds are one of the richest plant so they need to be supplied through the mineral deficiency worldwide, especially sources of the omega-3 essential fatty diet. in girls. Iron is an extremely important acid, alpha-linolenic acid (ALA).

A deficiency in omega-3 fats has also mineral in childhood as it is needed to This beneficial fat is converted into been linked to behavioural problems support healthy muscle development docosahexaenoicacid (DHA) by the such as ADHD.2 Children lacking in this and cognitive function, as well as body, which is vital for children’s brain important nutrient are more susceptible function and development and nervous to developing learning and behavioural improving immune function.

70 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

Photo: Amy Mellicent Photography

Super

problems such as ADHD. Fish is also a fabulous source of zinc, which is important for a healthy functioning immune system, to protect your child from colds and flu and other infections. A deficiency in zinc can compromise your child’s growth and development. Zinc is also an important mineral needed for the production of serotonin and dopamine, two important brain supportive neurotransmitters that are involved in helping your child focus, learn and pay attention. Fish also supplies iodine, which is important throughout childhood for normal growth and development, and healthy brain function.

PURPLE BERRIES

Berries in general make a fabulous addition to your child’s diet. Not only do they taste and look amazing, they’re packed full of antioxidant goodness. But it’s a group of purple berries namely acai, camu camu and maqui which have been getting a lot of attention recently. These super berries, native to the Amazonian rainforest, are some of the richest sources of antioxidants in the world, being around 50% higher in antioxidants that some of the more common berries. Their dark purple colour indicates the presence of

high levels of powerful antioxidants called anthocyanins, which help fight free radical damage in the body and will help protect your child from diseases such as heart disease, cancer and diabetes later in life. Purple berries are exceptionally rich vitamin C and rich in beta-carotene.

Weight for weight, camu camu berries contain around 50 times more vitamin C than an orange. These super berries are brilliant for boosting immune function and preventing colds and flu, as well as helping support healthy brain and nervous system function, and promoting good eye, and gum health.

These super purple berries can be purchased in powder or pureed form and easily added to your kid’s smoothies, juices, porridge, or yoghurt.

FERMENTED FOODS

Fermented foods play a very important role in a child’s diet, being necessary for supporting and balancing their digestive systems and for promoting good immune function.

Fermented foods are rich in probiotics, which are beneficial bacteria that help colonize the digestive tract. These beneficial bacteria are essential for good www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au

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digestion, for increasing immune cells and immune function, and for the production of vital nutrients such as B12, A and K. A large percentage of our immune system is situated in our gut, so making sure that your child has a healthy balance of good bacteria in their gut will reduce their susceptibility to illness.

One of the most common causes of digestive imbalances is the use of antibiotics. Unfortunately they not only kill off the ‘bad’ bugs, but eliminate all of the ‘good’ ones too, which causes mayhem with our digestive system.

When the good bacteria is removed from our gut, pathogenic organisms can grow and take over, causing inflammation of the digestive tract and poor digestion, which can lead to malnutrition and possible reactions to certain foods. Children’s brain function and behaviour can also be influenced by this imbalance. Overgrowth of yeast and other pathogenic bacteria has been linked to food sensitivities, and behaviour and attention problems in children. This is why it is extremely important to replenish these vital probiotics.

A healthy balance of good bacteria in the gut is also important to support the breakdown and elimination of toxins, helping protect children from toxins such as pesticides and mercury. It also helps digest lactose and proteins, and regulates bowel movements to help prevent constipation.

Fermented foods that contain these live bacteria include: yogurt, kefir, cultured vegetables such as raw sauerkraut, and miso. Making your own yoghurt at home is easy and lots of fun. You can make delicious non-dairy yoghurts with coconut or nut milks. Grating apple through raw sauerkraut is a nice way to introduce this wonderful fermented food to kids. Raw miso paste can be added to soups, make sure you add it in at the end when you have taken it off the heat. Kefir is a fermented milk drink similar to drinking-yoghurt, with a more tart taste.

It contains more than 30 different beneficial bacteria, is a great source of calcium, vitamin A and D, and protein. Kefir can be easily added to smoothies or used as a salad dressing. Try adding coconut yoghurt or young coconut kefir to smoothies.

QUINOA

Quinoa (pronounced keen wa) is a highly nutritious ancient seed that is an excellent gluten-free alternative to grains.

Quinoa is an excellent source of protein, which kids need plenty of for optimal growth and development, and it’s a great source of fibre, helping to promote good bowel health. Quinoa will supply your child with a range of important nutrients such as iron and B vitamins, for red blood cell production and energy, calcium for strong bones, magnesium for nervous system health, and vitamin E, a powerful antioxidant. Quinoa has a low glycaemic index so it will help keep blood sugar levels

stable. You can use quinoa in a similar way to rice, delicious with salads, stir-fries or curries.

KALE

Kale is one of the healthiest vegetables around. Getting your child accustomed to the taste of a variety of super vegies like kale early on in life is one of the best things you can do for their health. Like other brassica vegetables, eating kale regularly will help support proper liver detoxification and reduces the risk of cancer. Kale is an excellent source of dietary fibre, helping to keep blood sugar levels stable, as well as promote good bowel and cardiovascular health. Kale also boosts high doses of vitamin C and A, both important nutrients for strengthening your child’s immune function. This super vegie will also provide your child with loads of disease fighting antioxidants and vitamin K, which is needed by the body for good bone health and for blood clotting. Try adding finely chopped kale to stir-fries, curries, dahls, soups, salads, or add a little to vegie juices.

References

1. Sevulla, I., Aguiree, N (1995) Study on the Effects of Super Blue Green Algae, Managua, Nicaragua: Universidad Centro Americano.

2. Mitchell EA, Aman MG, Turbott SH, Manku M (1987) Clinical characteristics and serum essential fatty acid levels in hyperactive children.

Clin Pediatr 26:406–11.

Stevens LJ, Zentall SS, Deck JL, et al (1995) Essential fatty acid metabolism in boys with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Am J Clin Nutr; 62:761–8.

Lisa Guy is a homeopath and naturopath who runs ‘Art of Healing’ (www.artofhealing.com.au) and The Happy Baby Clinic and author of “My Goodness: all you need to know about children’s health and nutrition”

SUPER FOOD RECIPE IDEAS: SUPER BABY PUREE

SUPER BERRY SMOOTHIE

This incredibly nutritious puree made with super foods spirulina and chia seeds is packed with important nutrients babies need for good health including iron, beta-carotene, omega-3 fats, protein and fibre. Ideal for bubs 8 months +

Ideal for children 1 and over

Ingredients 1 small ripe banana 1 apple 1 teaspoon of ground chia seeds 1/3 teaspoon of spirulina powder Method 1. Place all ingredients in a food processor and blend until you have a smooth consistency.

2. Add ¾ teaspoon of an infant probiotic for an extra immune boost and to help support your baby’s digestion.

Ingredients 1 large ripe frozen banana 1 frozen acai berry puree pack Handful of mixed berries (blueberries, raspberries, strawberries) 1 Tablespoon of chia seed meal 2 heap Tablespoons of coconut yoghurt 1/3 cup of milk (either organic full cream, almond milk, calciumenriched rice) Method 1. Blend all ingredients in a food processor until a smooth consistency. Serves two.

2. Then enjoy. Left overs can be poured into ice block moulds and frozen for a super healthy dessert.

Everyday Fermenting When Food Goes Bad But Stays So Good

Picture glass jars on your kitchen bench, bubbling and gurgling away. This is fermenting. Sounds weird, but many people swear by the process. Dr Sarah Lantz helps us understand the growing interest in fermenting and also provides advice on fermenting your own cottege cheese

What

kind of a weirdo that holds the key to our health. providing the body with the essential Research reveals that the gut is no building blocks needed for healthy likes fermenting? I simple plumbing job as first thought. enterocyte (intestinal absorptive cell) do. And my guts love me for it too.

In fact, my family’s love affair has It’s a highly sophisticated, finely-tuned reproduction. This restores balance to expanded to the point where nearly all system of intelligence. The gut serves our gut flora. surface areas of our kitchen counter tops as our second brain, operating as an The process of fermentation breaks have sprouted an assortment of glass autonomous nervous system—the only down food into more easily digestible flint jars, ceramic pots, and bottles of part of the body that can function on forms,4 making them less toxic and often all shapes and sizes. We have launched its own. It is home to up to 100 million more delicious. During fermentation the crock pots of kim chi, old milk bottles neurons (as many as the spinal cord) and starches and sugars in vegetables, fruits, for raw milk kefir, ceramic pots for about 40 neurotransmitters (as many and grains are converted into lactic yoghurt, jam jars for pickles, and large as we have in the brain).1 In fact 95 acid, which is a natural preservative that round flint jars for brewing bubbling percent of the body’s serotonin is found inhibits the bacteria that causes food in the gut, and plays a major role in the to rot. Lactic acid producing bacteria, water kefir, beet kvass and kombucha.

Maintaining a warm and happy regulation of mood, appetite, and sleep.2 or lactobacilli, produce enzymes that Part-library, part-laboratory, this enhance digestion, increase vitamin environment for our microbial friends to miraculously transform their food ‘second brain’ assesses everything we levels, and promote the growth of sources into delicious, life-giving put in it and decides on the appropriate healthy flora throughout the intestines. delights is our priority, and Depending on the ‘Fermented foods are designed to restore the when we hear them strains of bacteria all gurgling and integrity of our gut lining by providing the body with present, fermented the essential building blocks needed for healthy bubbling contentedly dairy products enterocyte (intestinal absorptive cell) reproduction’ have increased levels it’s a deeply satisfying sound. We know our microbes are course of action: mixing, measuring, of folic acid, pyroxidine, B vitamins, happy. And when they are happy, the absorbing nutrients, rejecting last night’s riboflavin, and biotin. Fermenting microbial transformations are nothing takeaway dinner. vegetables and fruits can increase The challenge we face today is in the bioavailability of amino acids, short of miraculous, resulting in striking new flavours, textures, and health-giving finding ways to optimise our gut health. particularly lysine and methionine, and Once we heal and seal our gut linings the anaerobic environment of some nutrients.

But it wasn’t just a spirit of adventure and get our digestive systems on track, ferments preserves the vitamin C content that led us to fermenting. Initially it disease symptoms usually resolve. While of the foods. When grains are fermented, was bellyaches and depleted bodies— we may not like to think about it, the the activity of phytic acid is decreased. stemming largely from a childhood micro-organisms—bacteria—inside our Phytic acid is an ‘anti-nutrient’ that binds of eating low-fat, processed, and gut are key to our health. Without these minerals, particularly zinc, calcium, preservative-packed foods. We were the residents our health would fail. To forge iron, and magnesium, preventing their first generation to be seduced by quick a relationship with what biologist Lynn full absorption in the intestines. Because and convenient foods, often branded as Margulls calls the ‘microcosmos’ in our the fermentation of grains reduces the health foods—and we (and our children) body is a significantly beneficial one.3 phytic acid content, it enables the body Fermented foods are designed to to absorb more minerals. are paying for it now, largely with poor gut-health. And it’s our digestive system restore the integrity of our gut lining by Consuming these foods also

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create a protective environment against harmful pathogenic microorganisms, and some ferments are even shown to function as antioxidants, scavenging cancer precursors known as ‘free radicals’ from the cells of your body.5 In short, good bacteria in the gut: • Help to maintain healthy intestinal flora by greatly increasing the numbers of beneficial microorganisms; • Prevent colonisation of pathogenic organisms; • Preserve nutrients and break them down into easilydigestible forms, increasing the nutritive value of foods due to improved bioavailability; • Create new cultures that increase B vitamins such as folic acid, riboflavin, niacin, thiamin, biotin, and B12; • Enhance the absorption of minerals, particularly calcium, iron, zinc, magnesium, phosphorus and copper; • Neutralise toxins, such as phytic acid, that block mineral absorption.

Sandor Katz states: ‘By eating a variety of live fermented foods, you promote diversity among microbial cultures in your body… Your body is an ecosystem that can function most effectively when populated by diverse species of microorganisms. By fermenting foods and drinks with wild microorganisms present in your home environment, you become more interconnected with the life forces of the world around you. Your environment becomes you, as you invite the microbial populations you share the earth with to enter your diet and your intestinal ecology’.6 But besides the enormous health benefits of fermented foods, there is also a kind of politics at work here. Consider that to ferment your own food is to lodge an eloquent protest

against the pastorisation and the homogenisation of flavours that are undifferentiated across season, place and time. Your sauerkraut, for example, will taste different than my sauerkraut, or anyone else’s for that matter, based on the season, water supply, and the microorganisms in your home. That uniqueness is something to be celebrated and honoured.

It is also a declaration of independence from an economy that benefits from passive consumers of its commodities, rather than creators and artisans of new food products for ourselves and our families. Over the last decade fermenting practices have moved away from small-scale community-based cottage industries into factories. This has meant that starter cultures passed down from generation to generation have been abandoned and replaced with laboratory-bred strains, in

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the name of efficiency, standardisation, safety, and nutrition. This has alienated families from the everyday products we eat—stinky aged cheeses, tangy sauerkraut, earthy miso, smooth wines, breads, vinegars—which are all transformed at some point during their production process by microscopic organisms that extend their usefulness and enhance their flavours and health giving properties.

Brisbane’s very own Culture Club hosts meetings throughout the year to talk about co-culturing, co-sporing, and co-operative co-sharing of bacterial and fungal wisdom. The gathering seems to tap into the deep currents of ancient wisdom that is in danger of disappearing and at the same time fosters creative fermenting innovations.

Koniko, a Australian-Japanese home fermenter, makes a rich dark miso from fermenting soy beans and chickpeas.

She says, ‘I can make my miso, put into a pantry or cellar and forget about it for 18 months, or longer, and still eat it,’ she says. ‘Fermented foods are alive, they’re dynamic, they’re constantly evolving, and they’re extremely effective strategies for preserving food through a few seasons, which is really the point. And of course they taste great. It might be seen as un-Australian, but my kids eat my miso on toast rather than vegemite’.

When asked how she thought others would feel if they saw the fermentation of miso, which grows a heavy carpet of mould on top, she states: ‘We so often reject certain foods because they are rotten. But there is an incredibly creative space between fresh food and rotten food, where transformation takes place and where most of human culture’s most prized delicacies and culinary achievements exist. Reclaiming this space is critical to our health and our children’s health’.

In our home, my children and I are continually bedazzled by the alchemy of fermenting food. Watching raw milk divide into curds and whey and turning that into rounds of house cream cheese. An everyday cabbage transforms into tangy sauerkraut, or a sweet rooibos tea into a slightly sour effervescent kombucha. These processes are memorising in our house, and there is a frequent tussle at the dinner table as our children scramble to drink the sauerkraut juices before the other one gets it.

Here is a recipe for our everyday house cream cheese. The stuff in the box at the supermarket is dreadfully dead, made by placing milk under extreme pressure. This homemade version is the by-product of extracting whey from milk or yoghurt (we do it with yoghurt), with extra gut-guarding goodness from the lactic acid fermentation process.

And it tastes immeasurably creamier and cleaner.

HOMEMADE CREAM CHEESE

We usually make our own yoghurt from raw milk and then turn it into cream cheese. But to get you started and on the fermenting path, you can use: • one large tub of plain, full-fat certified organic yoghurt—make sure you buy a good quality organic yoghurt.

• a large nappy-sized square of cheesecloth or muslin. You can also use a clean piece of linen or preloved t-shirt.

Put your muslin over a large bowl and pour the whole tub of yoghurt onto the centre. Pull the sides of the muslin into the centre and twist until the yoghurt is in a ball in the centre. We then tie ours around a wooden spoon and place it across a large bowl, suspending the ball and straining out the whey.

What will remain is a beautifully creamy thick curd in the muslin. I know others who have hung their muslin over the tap in the kitchen sink, or from a cupboard doorknob. Whatever works for you.

Let it drain for 12-24 hours at room temperature. The longer left, the thicker and drier it becomes. The cheese will continue to ferment if left out, creating a tarter product than if the fermentation is slowed in the fridge.

You can store the cream cheese in the fridge for up to a month. The whey can be kept for up to six months, or frozen.

The cheese:

• spread it on toast or crackers with a sprinkle of sea salt on top.

• mix in some cinnamon, vanilla and stevia to make a sweet cream cheese spread for the top of muffins and cakes.

• put a blob in a leaf and top with some smoked trout or grilled sardines and chives

The whey:

Make sure you keep the stash of

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whey. It’s sacred stuff in our household.

• store it in the freezer to use for fermenting your own sauerkraut, vegetables, seeds, fruit and nuts.

• add a tablespoon to your smoothie in the morning. It’s full of minerals and will assist with digestion.

• use it when you soak your grains—a tablespoon or two in the water will help break down and neutralise most phytic acid, and provide the beneficial bacteria to begin predigesting the grain for you.

• use it as the liquid in pizza dough—it adds a wonderful flavor to the crust.

• use a dab of it on a pimple. Seriously, it works!

• It’s also excellent for hair care: nourishing, strengthening and softening the hair.

Dr Sarah Lantz is a mama, writer, and researcher from Queensland University of Technology with a background in public and population health and author of the bestselling book Chemical Free Kids; Raising healthy Children in a Toxic World. www. chemicalfreeparenting.com.au or www.nontoxsoapbox.com

References

1. Gershon, M (2009) The Second Brain: The Scientific Basis of Gut Instinct and a Groundbreaking New Understanding of Nervous Disorders of the Stomach and Intestines, Harper, 1998.

2. Berger M, Gray JA, Roth BL (2009) The expanded biology of serotonin.

Annu. Rev. Med. 60: 355–66 3. Margulls, L (1997). Microcosmos: Four Billion Years of Microbial Evolution, University of California Press, 1997.

4. Mollison, B (1993) The Permaculture Book of Ferment and Human Nutrition, Tagari Publications.

5. Santiago, L. A. Hiramatsu, M. and A. (1992) Mori, Japanese Soybean Paste Miso Scavenges Free Radicals and Inhibits Lipid Peroxidation, Journal of Nutrition Science and Vitaminology 38, 3.

6. Katz, S (2012) The Art of Fermentation: An In-Depth Exploration of Essential Concepts and Processes from Around the World, Chelsea Green Publishing, 2012.

WHAT’S COOKING? With Artisan Wholefoods Recipes to cook for the kids and with the kids!

Baby-Led Weaning Recipe (6mth+)

Carrot & Kale Mini Chicken Cakes This is a delicious recipe packed with nutrient-dense ingredients that will work equally well as a hold in the hand meal for baby or as a lunch-box filler for everyone in the family Ingredients: 500g organic chicken thighs 1 medium (90g) onion 50 grams leek (white part) 1 Tablespoon Ghee or unrefined coconut oil 2 cloves garlic ½ teaspoon celtic sea salt 1 medium (120g) carrot, grated 5 kale leaves, stem and all, chopped finely (about 1 cup) 150ml (unsalted) home-made organic chicken stock 1 organic egg

about 10 minutes, or until soft and translucent.

3. Add grated carrot and finely chopped kale, and continue to gently sauté for about 5 minutes 4. Pour stock over and then simmer until the stock has evaporated.

Allow mixture to cool to room temperature before mixing with chicken.

5. Combine chicken, vegetable mix and egg in a bowl and mix well.

6. Place squares of baking paper over the holes in the muffin tins, and spoon the mixture in to fill. I used mini tartlet tins and used about 40 grams of filling per chicken cake.

7. Place in preheated oven, and bake for approximately 13 minutes (they will not brown on top).

8. Allow to cool in the tin – and chill if possible in the tin too, to retain cooking juices. These will gel as the chicken cakes chill, retaining the natural gelatine that is valuable for the absorption of nutrients when consumed.

Eat fresh – or freeze and use as needed.

Cooking with Kids Recipe

Preparation: 1. Clean chicken thigh meat of any bits of gristle or bone, dice and then pulse a few times in a food processor to form mince. Set aside in the fridge while you assemble the rest of the recipe.

2. Finely dice onion, leek and garlic, then gently sauté in a stainless steel pan with the ghee and sea salt for

Sweet Potato, Banana, Macadamia & Lime Fritters

Ingredients:

100 grams grated raw sweet potato 100 grams mashed ripe banana 1/4 cup brown rice flour 1/4 cup finely chopped macadamia 1 egg 1 tablespoon honey 1/2 tsp cinnamon 1/2 tsp nutmeg lime zest pinch salt ghee or coconut oil to cook

Preparation: 1. Mix all ingredients together. Kids love to do this with their hands, but you could also use an electric mixer if you wanted to!

2. Pre-heat - over medium heat - a cast iron griddle or stainless steel pan.

3. Add some ghee or coconut oil, then spoon in batter, spreading out each time so that fritters are no more than 1cm thick (less is better).

4. Cook over a medium to low heat, turning when golden.

5. These are especially yummy with fresh lime, more chopped macadamias, honey & yoghurt.

Artisan Wholefoods is cooking school based in the Northern Rivers region of NSW and was established in 2013 by Chef, Sustainable living writer and Organic Grower Jean Martinez. Artisan Wholefoods offers classes, courses and seminars founded in a wholefoods philosophy that embraces a holistic food circle from production to consumption, and in particular organic and biodynamic food production, local and seasonal foods, traditional food skills and overall deliciousness. For further information and updates on classes and events see: www.facebook.com/ artisanwholefoods

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The cooler weather brings about the opportunity to grow a whole range of fantastic vegetables. Depending on where you live there are many choices. And with the cooler weather you will find less insect activity in your garden as well, unfortunately there’ll still be possums about! And there is no reason why you can’t have flowers planted amongst your vegetable either. I tend to choose edible flowers such as, Calendulas, Nasturtium ‘Alaska’, Violas and beneficial insect attracting Alyssum and Cosmos.

WHAT TO PLANT NOW:

~ Winter Vegies ~ B IS FOR BRUSSELS SPROUTS! WINTERTIME IN THE VEGETABLE GARDEN

There is a stigma with children disliking and eating their vegetables, with which I have always felt kind of sad about.

Why is it a large proportion of children don’t like to eat their vegetables?

Is it because they’re more sensitive palates dislike or can pick up the bland, chemically fertilised, insecticide sprayed residues on the majority of our fresh produce?

The options are though of course to buy certified organic and support local growers that are doing so or get out in the garden and grow your own.

There’s no better way to get children interested in eating vegetables than if they grow them, harvest them and cook them, themselves and home grown always tastes so much better.

Children also learn where and how vegetables are grown and where they actually come from.

TRADITIONAL VEGETABLE GARDEN SET UP

This is of course just one method of preparing your vegetable patch, other options are containers of various descriptions and of course the trusty no dig garden method (see previous issue).

Of course quantities depend on the area size of your vegetable garden and always follow the packaging instructions on any ingredients you may purchase.

BASIC WINTER GARDEN RECIPE

Ingredients

You will need the following ingredients: 1. Seedlings – cooler season varieties of vegetables of your choice 2. Compost and or manure 3. Fertiliser such as rock dust mineral or pelletised manure 4. Mulch – lucerne/sugarcane/pea straw 5. Dolomite/garden lime if soil is acidic 6. pH kit for testing soil acidity or alkaline 7. Garden fork/rake/spade – tools of choice 8. Materials for building tepees or trellises for beans and peas

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Method:

1. Choose a sunny location, preferably with a northern aspect .

2. Dig over your garden bed to the depth of 30cm, this will help aerate the soil, reduce compaction and allow water to penetrate and your plants roots to easily establish and grow. Create a boarder using untreated sleepers or even by just spading out a decent furrow/ gutter around the perimeter. Or, whatever materials you may have access to. * The size and shape of your garden bed is entirely up to you and children to decide upon. Keep in mind that having the beds to wide can make it difficult to plant and access generally.

3. Add organic compost or manures, along with blood and bone, rock dust minerals and or pelletised manure fertiliser. (According to packet directions).

4. Depending your pH the addition of dolomite or garden lime may be beneficial as well.

5. Water all this in well and mulch using organic lucerne, pea straw or sugarcane mulch.

6. Generally it is best for you to allow your bed to sit for a week or two before planting. Planting is the next step and this is a favourite task amongst children.

Take the time to show your children/child how to remove seedlings from their punnets carefully, without damaging the stems or roots. Don’t plant any deeper than they were in the punnet. One of the exceptions of this rule is the tomato they can be planted deeper without suffering from collar rot.

7. Sowing seed direct. There are a few winter vegetables that prefer to be grown from seed directly sown into the ground. It is mainly the root crops such as, carrots, radishes, parsnips, and beetroot. This is due to the fact that they hate their roots being disturbed.

Other vegetables such as, peas, snow peas, broad beans and beans also benefit from being sown directly into the garden.

8. Water the newly planted in seedlings/seeds with a fish emulsion liquid fertiliser, this will help to reduce transplant shock.

9. Continued care – liquid feed regularly with seaweed and side dress with manure pelletised fertiliser every 4-6 weeks. Then harvest, eat, enjoy.

Subtropical zones: potatoes, peas, snow peas, beans, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, lettuce, coriander, carrot, onions, spring onions and shallots, kohl rabi, silver beet, Asian vegetables, celery, spinach tomatoes in frost free areas.

Tropical zones: eggplants, capsicum, tomatoes, lettuce, shallots, spring onions, cucumbers, corn, chillies, zucchini, carrots, kohl rabi, squash, beans, sweet potato, coriander.

Temperate zones: parsnips, carrots, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, potatoes, onions, spring onions, shallots, broccoli, swedes, kale, spinach, silver beet, kohl rabi.

Note: This is just a sample of what can be grown in various climate zones throughout Australia through the cooler months of the year.

Favourites that are a hit in my vegetable garden with children of all ages particularly for their not so typical colouring and novelty factor are: • Potato: Spunta, Sapphire, • Broccoli: Purple sprouting and Romanesco • Beetroot: Chioggia, Gold • Radish: Red meat, Black Spanish (and because they grow so fast) • Snow pea: Yakumo (as they have the most beautiful purple flowers) • Pea: Purple Podded Dutch, Sugarsnap (because you can eat them pods and all) • Silver beet: Five-colour mix • Carrot: Thumbelina and Purple dragon Involving children in the harvesting and the preparation of your garden harvest gives your children life long memories and skills on how to grow and prepare their own food. Plus they are sometimes more likely to eat their vegetables when there’s been involvement in their production.

Other great garden ideas for the edible garden:

1. Mushroom kits scan also generally be purchased throughout the cooler months of the year.

2. Creating a bean or pea tepee is becoming a popular garden activity these days.

3. Plant a few herbs around your vegetable garden or even a herb garden all on its own. Here children can experience the wonder of scented foliaged plants that are edible too.

4. Pest watch. Children can be given the task of ‘Bug watch’, this is where every few days when other gardening tasks such as watering and weeding are being done, your children can go on the hunt for possible bad bugs that may be consuming our vegetables. Of course there will be good bugs waiting to be discovered as well!

Tip: Have a look for heirloom varieties of seeds and seedlings to grow. They often have far more interesting colours and forms to choose from and you’ll find they are generally more disease and pest resistant, along with being more productive, longer lasting and more flavoursome.

Claire Bickle is a qualified Brisbane based horticulturalist, educator and writer, with 20 years experience. She holds a Diploma in Horticulture and an Advanced Permaculture Design Certificate.

For more great gardening ideas check out www.plantlifebalance.com.au

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Book Reviews

EDITORS PICK The Natural Child Author : Jan Hunt New Society Publishers, 2001 $26.95

Children’s Books Bea

Author & Illustrator: Christine Sharp University of Queensland Press, 2013 $24.95

The Bea, of the title is a bird: a bright, yellow bird who likes to bake berry pudding, dance to disco beats, bathe in bubbles and dream of travelling the world in a hot air balloon. Collecting twigs and catching worms just aren’t her cup of tea, thank you very much. While the other birds “chatter and cheep, chirrup and peep”, Bea is riding bicycles, flying kites, or gazing at the moon with her best friend, Bernie, a bird of equally dubious bird-tastes. In short, she’s her own bird – creative, individual, fun-loving and passionate.

Bea is a fun and joyous story about enjoying the simple things in life (dancing, nattering, star-gazing) and staying true to yourself while you do it. It’s about daring to be different, no matter what others think. And it highlights the value of true friendship, because even when you stray from the flock, real friends will love you just the way you are.

Christine Sharp is an illustrator, designer, artist and sometimes performer based in Queensland’s Tamborine Mountain. She says her aim is to create beautiful and inspirational books for children and adults and Bea is her first foray into publishing. She’s currently working on Aurora, a retelling of The Sleeping Beauty fairytale that she says will focus on empowerment.

Bea features Sharp’s sweet, quirky collages that blend pen and pencil drawings with traces of photographs, digital illustration and scanned fabrics. With its lyrical style and colourful, expressive images, this hardcover picture book is a great read for toddlers and young children.

Clara Worry Cloud

Author: Kylie Cimen Illustrator: Simon Australia Rule 13 Publishing, 2010 $14.95 While Bea the bird is a free spirit, Clara the Cloud is significantly more inhibited. Even as a baby cloud, Clara is fearful of the future, in particular, what it will feel like when one day a plane or a bird flies through her tummy. As she grows into a beautiful, big fluffy cloud, her fears don’t dissipate.

And while the other clouds happily frolic through the sky, Clara

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Worry Cloud is hampered with uncertainties. With the help of her mum, she will gently face her fears and emerge triumphant.

We all want to raise children that are happy, independent and confident, yet everyday childhood fears can play a significant role in children’s lives. Childhood anxieties are disturbingly common, and while they range in scale, even something as seemingly harmless as an unwarranted fear of the future, may cast a burden.

This is a simple, positive story designed to help preschoolers and young children learn that there’s little point in fearing what’s yet to happen. And it illustrates that sometimes, what we’re afraid of, may even turn out to be far from what we expected.

Clara Worry Cloud was written by Kylie Cimen, a mum and former Education Officer with the Royal Australian Air Force, who along with her pilot husband, is an aviation enthusiast (hence the cloud-gazing). This was her first book and she has subsequently released a second, Five Minutes to Lizard Land. Both feature whimsical drawings by Perth-based illustrator, Simon Australia.

Parenting Books The Other Baby Book Megan McGrory Massaro and Miriam J. Katz Full Cup Press, 2012 $29.95 The Other Baby Book begins with a resounding callout: ‘Hey Mama’ and these two words set the tone for the chapters to follow.

Megan McGrory Massarao and Miriam J. Katz are two American authors and parenting coaches, whose enthusiasm for ‘natural’ parenting is buoyant.

While ‘Rock on Mama’ is emblematic of the approach, the subtitle of the book is the content in a nutshell: A Natural Approach to Baby’s First Year. The Other Baby Book follows a well-trodden baby book path by looking at birth, feeding, sleep, play etcetera, but it does so in a way that suggests many mainstream baby books are missing vital information. The authors’ natural parenting approach diverges into a discussion of related environment, media and corporate influence issues, in a text that is sprinkled with personal anecdotes and tips to help mums and mums-tobe.

Photos: Depositphotos

by Sharon Dowley

The Other Baby Book does cover similar ground to other ‘alternative’ baby books. What they’ve done here is call upon a range of parenting practitioners, authors and others that they admire, and combined their ideas into a very readable text that covers everything from pregnancy and the birth, through the first year. There’s also a handy list of resources.

Katz is a Certified Professional Coach for new parents, and McGrory Massaro is a former youth educator who instructs parents and caregivers and specialises in action plans for busy parents – an area they obviously know well. The two wrote this book while their daughters were bubs and while they seemed to have had charmed early parenting days (“fortunately babies sleep a lot”) there’s no denying the positive tone is infectious: a worthwhile read for new parents and parents to be.

SPECIAL offer Purchase a copy of Dr Sarah Lantz’s bestselling book and receive a FREE Miessence gift pack worth $30

The quote in the forward pages of Jan Hunt’s The Natural Child, aptly sums up her parenting perspective: “the best way to make children good is to make them happy”. So said Oscar Wilde (who would have thought), and it’s one of the underlying principles that inform a natural approach to parenting.

Attachment parenting, as Hunt states, is a newish term for a style of parenting that is instinctual to mothers and has been part of cultures and societies throughout history.

Indeed, she (as many others) believe that our mainstream attitudes to mothering, discipline, schooling and other child-rearing issues, are ‘unnatural’ and worse, are likely to be doing our children more harm than not. Hunt believes that parenting needs to be based on trust, with the underlying principle that children should always be treated with respect and dignity.

In arguing her case, Hunt provides an interesting and very readable text that covers several hot parenting topics: co-sleeping, control crying, tantrums, punishment, education and home schooling. Throughout the various chapters, she supports her argument by both looking at the long-term effects of different parenting approaches, and giving practical tips on everyday situations.

Among several hats, Jan Hunt is a Canadian parenting counsellor, writer and Director of the Natural Child Project (www.naturalchild.org), a web-based project dedicated to empowering children and featuring articles, books and other resources for parents.

The Natural Child is a thoughtful read for any parent. If you can relate to her parenting golden rule - “treat all others as you would like to be treated yourself ”, there’s a good chance you’ll relate to at least some of The Natural Child.

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Product Reviews: Bamboo Bubby Bag $79.95

The Bamboo Bubby Bag is a must have item if you have a child between 6 months and 2 years that suffers from eczema.

This one size-fits-all sleeping bag is made with natural bamboocotton (70% bamboo/30% organic cotton). The material ensures that it is breathable, hypoallergenic, naturally antibacterial and perfect for all seasons.

The real uniqueness of the Bamboo Bubby Bag is the Adjusta-Sleeve™ function. On the sleeve there are multiple covers that fold over depending on the length of your child’s arm (they work similar to grow suits that have hand covers which fold over). The fold over cover ensures that your child cannot scratch during the night, when eczema is most likely to flare up. There is also a snap press in the underarm of the sleeve allowing the armhole to be adjusted when your baby is small and then left unclipped as they grow bigger.

It also comes with a double ended zip for easy nappy changes! www.bamboobubby.com.au

Learning Tower $299.00

When we were kids we used to stand on chairs (or anything we could find) which may or may not have ended in tears! Now there is the Learning Tower which is extremely sturdy and virtually impossible to tip over, twist or collapse. The Tower has an adjustable platform, so suits children from 18mths upwards.

Since receiving the Learning Tower we have used it multiple times every day. Our most frequent usage is in the kitchen where it lifts William up to bench height so he can help with the cooking! (See the article on page 20 about the benefits of children helping in the kitchen). William has quickly learnt how to climb up and climb down by himself as it has cut-outs in the side that are used as steps. He also directs where he wants the tower to be so that he can climb up and reach whatever he is after, so it is not limited to kitchen usage! He is still on the highest level, so we have many years of use still to go!

You can also buy accessories for the Learning Tower, such as an art easel and playhouse kit for puppet shows and role play! www.roseandlily.com.au

Teetha $12.95

As a natural parent, I dislike the use of chemicals anywhere near my child ~ especially in their mouth. That is where Teetha comes into the equation. Using chamomilla as its active ingredient, Teetha is a natural, homeopathic remedy specially designed for the soothing and calming relief of the symptoms of teething (such as blushed cheeks, dribbling, crying and irritability). And, unlike some other teething remedies, Teetha is sugar free.

Teetha comes in an easy to administer individual satchels, so it is convenient to use when out an about. Each satchel contains one dosage of Teetha granules and can be placed into your baby’s mouth. Or, if your child is picky about certain tastes, you can add it to a bottle! My son actually really enjoyed the flavour, so I’m sure your bub will too!

It did actually help William with the teething of his molars, it kept him calm and relaxed when he was starting to get worked up ~ so I was thankful to have them! www.martinandpleasance.com

Q’ewar Waldorf Doll

$95.00 for 24cm Doll

Q’ewar Waldorf dolls are made by women living in the peasant rural community of Q’ewar, Puru.

It is a social and economic initiative to help the community rebuild.

These dolls are absolutely stunning. The quality is second to none. All materials are natural and include a wool interior with cotton exterior. The clothes are beautiful too.

Interestingly, it takes 5 days to handmake each doll.

These dolls (as you would have read in the article on page 42) do not have expressions on their face, yet have vibrant character. You can choose a boy or girl, hair colour and length and skin colour to match your child.

It took a few days for William to warm to the idea of having a doll (he doesn’t really play with toys) but now they play together all the time. It is interesting that already William gives his doll emotions ~ he drops him on the ground and says he is hurt, then picks him up and cuddles him! It really is a great way to help children process emotions and feelings. www.littlechipshandcrafts.com.au

Ellevill Zara Trispice $154.00

A woven wrap is a long piece of fabric that is used to carry a newborn right through to a preschool aged child.

Ellevill woven wraps are an excellent choice for both new baby wearers and experienced alike.

Varying in size from 3.7m to over 5m in length, they are very versatile and can be moulded and adjusted to fit the wearer, as well as the size of the child. Ellevill woven wraps come in a variety types of fabric and material blends, whilst colours are numerous and the designs are beautiful.

Learning to use a woven wrap is like learning any new skill and knowing how to wrap correctly is crucial to safely carrying your little ones. Once mastered, using woven wraps can become second nature and are a comfortable way to wear your baby.

All Ellevill woven wraps come with an instruction booklet featuring a variety of ways to wear your baby. www.wovenwraps.com.au

82 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au