17 minute read
LAUGH A LITTLE
from You SA 6.01.2022
by nustobaydo
chuckles Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
POINT PROVEN
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A husband is trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He shows her a study which indicates that men use about 10 000 words per day, whereas women use 20 000 words.
The woman tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looks stunned and sputters, “What?”
CONFUSED
A small boy is talking to his grandfather.
“Why does it rain?” he asks.
“To make the plants grow,” the grandfather replies.
The boy looks puzzled and says, “So why does it rain on the pavement?”
FLIGHT PROBLEM
Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly stops, turns around and returns to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally takes off. A concerned passenger asks the flight attendant, “Excuse me, what was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explains the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
THANKS, BUT NO THANKS
A local charity organisation for the veterans’ office realises it has never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of fundraising calls him to persuade him to make a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least R500 000, you give not a cent to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community?”
The lawyer mulls this over for a moment and replies, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills?”
The embarrassed officer mumbles, “Um . . . no.”
“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” the lawyer continues.
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology but is interrupted.
“Or that my sister’s husband died in a car crash,” the lawyer’s voice rises in fury, “leaving her penniless with three children?”
The horrified charity rep, completely beaten and utterly ashamed, says simply, “I had no idea.”
The lawyer is on a roll, so he cuts the rep off once again. “So, if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
SOMETHING SILLY
S Question: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? Answer: A nervous wreck. S Question: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? Answer: They’re trying to get away from the noise. S Question: What do you call Santa’s helpers? Answer: Subordinate Clauses. S Question: How does a spoilt, rich girl change a light bulb? Answer: She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.” S Question: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? Answer: A stick. S Question: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Answer: They all have phones. S Question: What loses its head in the morning and gets it back at night? Answer: A pillow. S A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.
PROBLEM SOLVED
By the time a sailor pulls into a little town every hotel room is taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleads. “Or just a bed.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,” admits the manager of the hotel, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. So I’m not sure you’d want to do that.”
“No problem,” the tired sailor assures him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning, the sailor comes down to breakfast brighteyed and bushy-tailed. “How did you sleep?” the manager asks.
“Never better.”
The manager is impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time,” the Navy guy says.
“How did you manage that?” the manager asks.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explains. “I went over to him, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful’. He sat up all night watching me.”
ROAD WARS
Magistrate: But if you saw the lady driving towards you why didn’t you give her half the road? Motorist: I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.
NOT NECESSARY
A little girl runs up to her mother and asks, “Mummy, Mummy, where do babies come from?”
“The stork, dear,” her mother replies.
“Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?” the girl asks.
“The police, dear,” the mother answers nonchalantly.
“Mummy,” says the girl, “if our house was on fire, who would save us?”
“The fire department,” the mother answers calmly.
“Mummy, where does food come from?” the girl asks.
“Farmers, dear,” the mother says.
“Mummy,” says the girl, “then what do we need Daddy for?”
IN COURT
Pamela is sitting at the defendant’s table while the traffic officer is being cross-examined on the witness stand.
The lawyer asks, “When you stopped the defendant, Pamela, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
“Yes, sir, they were,” the officer replies.
“Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
“Yes, sir, she did.”
“What was it the defendant said?” the lawyer asks the officer as he points to Pamela.
“What disco am I at?”
CATCH OF THE DAY
Afteramatch,acricketerwho’d droppedsixcatchesisgetting changedinthelockerroom.
Sniffling,hesays,“IthinkI’ve caughtacold.”
“Thankgoodness,”hiscaptain says.“Atleastyoucancatchsomething!” EXTREME SPORTS
Two drunks are standing on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has a few budgies perched on his arms while the other has parrots on his arms.
After a few minutes they both leap off the cliff and plummet to the ground.
Later, lying next to each other in hospital, one says, “I don’t think much of this budgie jumping.”
“Yeah,” the other drunk says, “and this parrot gliding is for the birds.”
PARTY TALK
S At a cocktail party, one woman says to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replies, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.” S A man says to his buddy, “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
WHAT A PENALTY
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in South Africa?
On the first offence they give you match tickets to go watch Bafana Bafana and on the second, they make you use them.
FOR THE KIDS
S Question: What do you call a pig that does karate? Answer: A pork chop. S Question: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 plus 5 on a calculator? Answer: She couldn’t find the “10” button. S Question: Why are ghosts bad liars? Answer:Becauseyoucansee right throughthem.
SPOTLIGHT/WHATTOWATCH/ MUSIC/BOOKS/PUZZLES/FICTION
BRILLIANT EXCELLENT WORTHWHILE SO-SO IFYOUMUST
CHILL OUT | SPOTLIGHT Yahya AbdulMateen II
Theacclaimedactortakes overtheroleofMorpheus inTheMatrixResurrections
COMPILED BY NASIFA SULAIMAN
ENTER THE MATRIX Theiconicsci-fi franchiseisbackwithafourthinstalment.SeveralnewactorsjoincastmembersKeanuReevesandCarrie-Anne Moss,includingYahyaAbdul-MateenII asMorpheus,playedbyLaurenceFishburneinthepreviousfilms.
Asthepreviousfilm,TheMatrixRevolutions(2003),endedwithNeo(Reeves), Trinity(Moss)andMorpheusalldead, it’samysteryhowthey’llbebackforpart 4.ThethreemoviesweredirectedbysistersLanaandLillyWachowskiandwhile Lanareturnsforpart4,LillysaiddirectinganotherMatrixfilmwasunappealing.
BECOMING MORPHEUS When he auditioned,Yahya(35)sayshecouldn’t wraphisheadaroundhowhecould replaceLaurence(60),who’dbeenan integralpartofthefilms.Lastyearthe veteranactorsaidhehad“notbeeninvited”back,butwishedthecastwell.
Yahyasaysthatwhilehehasnothing butrespectforLaurence’sperformance, hehadnointerestincopyingit.“Laurencealreadydidwhathadtobedone.I thinkwhatthescriptprovidedwasa newnarrativeandnewopportunities thatdidmakeroomwithintheMatrix universeforanewMorpheus,”hesaid.
FanswillseeMorpheusonajourneyof self-discovery,hesays.“There’salotin ourstorythat’saboutdefiningyourown path.Morpheusisn’texemptfromthat.” SECOND CAREER The actor New Orleans and says hewas a film fan growing up. “I wasaw Matrix],butitwasn’t somethin 10or15times,”hetold GQm
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Yahya Abdul- Mateen II replaces Laurence Fishburne in The Matrix part 4.
TheMatrix Resurrectionsisin SAcinemasfrom 24 December
Eternals
Sci-fiaction.WithGemmaChan, CHILLOUT | WHATRichardMaddenandTO WATCHKumail Nanjiani.Director:ChloéZhao.
In 5000 BC, 10 immortal superpoweredbeingscalled Eternals, including Sersi (Chan),Ikaris(Madden)and Kingo(Nanjiani),aresentto Earthtostopmonsterscalled Deviantsfromwipingout humankind.TheEternalsare allowedtohelphumancivilisationtoadvancebutmaynot interfereinhumanconflicts. WiththelastoftheDeviants wipedoutinthe16thcentury, theEternalsgotheirseparate ways,livingonEarthwhile waitingfortheircreatorto tellthemwhenit’stimetoreturnhometotheirplanet.But asurpriseDeviantattackon Sersiinpresent-dayLondon forceshertoreunitetheteam. WithOscar-winningindie directorZhao(Nomadland) atthehelm,theexpectation was that she’d somehow break new ground with her entry into the Marvel CinematicUniverse(MCU).But thoughthereareelements thatmakeEternalsstandout, it’sultimatelystillasuperhero talethatmustfitinwiththe restofthefranchise.
Sotherearetheusualtopnotchspecialeffects,warm character moments and world-endangering finale. The MCU is the best in the genre, but if you’re not a comics fan or have “superhero fatigue”, this movie won’t win you over.
It’s long, somewhat ponderous and it takes a while for all the plot threads to gather and gain momentum. The initial rapid introduction to multiple god-like characters is alienating, which could cause some viewers to lose interest.
But the slow build-up and multiple flashbacks do give the characters the chance to interact in various situations so their personalities come through. The diversity of the characters and cast (who use their real accents), including Salma Hayek and Brian Tyree Henry, is also refreshing.
Chan’s kind Sersi is the heart of the film, while even stereotypical heroic warriors such as Ikaris and Thena (Angelina Jolie) have hidden facets, which humanise them.
Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the Deviants, who remain stock villains.
Theactionscenesarethrilling,containinggoosebumpinducing moments set against sweeping shots of magnificent landscapes, and the way the Eternals’ powers manifest in golden filigree patterns is striking. Welcome humour, often from vain Bollywood star Kingo, lightens things up.
But overall Eternals has a pensive, melancholy tone as it mulls over existential questions.Themessyendingalso doesn’tcomewithacathartic, crowd-pleasing resolution.
This ambitious, epic film offers food for thought as well as entertainment, but won’t win over viewers sick of
DSTVBOXOFFICE
MALIGNANT
Horror. Malignant is a treat for horror fans, a veritable buffet of grisly and spooky delights inspired by many of the great films of the genre.
Director and co-writer James Wan (Aquaman, The Conjuring) masterfully blends elements from cult horrors of the ’70s and ’80s to create a tense and darkly humorous film that’s sure to become a classic too.
Mom-to-be Madison (Annabelle Wallis) lives with her abusive husband (Jake Abel from the Percy Jackson movies). Soon after we’re introduced to the unhappy couple, Madison wakes from a disturbing soon a pair of detectives (George Young and Michole Briana White) are on the bizarre case.
The twists and turns come quick and fast – some are clever, and some are obvious – but kudos to Wan and his co-writers for crafting a witty, original and entertaining film.
AT THE CINEMA
Cosmicbeings(from left):DonLee,AngelinaJolie,RichardMadden,SalmaHayek, GemmaChanandLia McHughinEternals.
superheroes. 2021. 157 MIN. 13LV. AUNTYDONNA’SBIG OL’HOUSEOFFUN
Comedy. Thisfast-pacedsketchcomedy show is the first TV series from Australian-based absurdist comedy group Aunty Donna, known for their live performances and podcasts.
The show follows the antics of Broden Kelly, Mark Samual Bonanno and Zachary Ruane playing over-the-top versions of themselves while taking part in skits with themes such as treasure or dating in 20-minute episodes.
Their comedic style heavily relies on absurdity and viewers will likely be chuckling at the complete randomness that these three comedians come up with.
Not all the sketches work, but if you like this style of comedy, you’ll be laughing more often than not. Also be on the lookout for the hilarious sketch where two of the Aunty Donna boys tackle a South
African accent. – FRANCO HAVENGA 2020. 6 EPISODES. 16SLV.
dream, to finds her hubby’s mangled corpse in their kitchen.
She miscarries, and in hospital her younger sister (Maddie Hasson) says she’ll take care of her, but Madison begins experiencing paralysing waking nightmares where she sees a deformed killer gruesomely murdering people. The nightmares, of course, aren’t just bad dreams – they’re occurring in real life, and
– DENNIS CAVERNELIS 2021. 101 MIN. 18VL. ALSO AVAILABLE ON GOOGLE PLAY AND APPLE TV+.
than ever. A couple of us have a few side-projects that cover different genres and never conflict with WONDERboom. I think that’s helped our creativity and feeling of fulfilment.”
WONDERboom
The five-time SAMA nominee is still indie rock’sdarling
SA Indie rock band WONDERboom marks 25 years with an album.
If you look back at what WONDERboom has achieved, both locally and internationally, do you still have to pinch yourself? “Back then, I don’t think we had any limits as to what we’d achieve or even considered our longevity. Now it feels like we’re still striving for that perfect song or album – and chasing those dreams. I don’t think this journey will ever stop.”
BY NICI DE WET
They’ve been rocking local and international stages for 25 years –and to celebrate, WONDERboom, one of SA’s most iconic rock bands, have released a greatest hits anniversary album and a new single, Prodigal Son. We caught up with charismatic frontman Cito to find out more.
MUSIC
Congrats for making it to a quarter of a century in a notoriously tough industry. To what do you put down your longevity? “Thank you so much! Yeah, this industry is tough all right. Especially after all these years, witnessing and having to endure the different phases of trends and technology. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s a small price to pay for making the music we love and to perform live.”
You guys have known each for so long now. Was it fun putting together this anniversary album? “It was quite cathartic looking back on the years of recording and song-writing. It’s become easier for us. Nowadays I look forward to going into the studio more than ever. The experience and knowledge have made it more enjoyable and all of our insecurities are kind of gone.”
What were some of the biggest challenges you faced? “Selecting which songs should go on the album and which to leave out. If it were up to us, we’d have a double deluxe anthology release! We tried to not only
The Ride the Wave Summer Tour is now on.
choose radio-friendly hits but alsosongs that are dancefloor stompers.”
Tell us about the new single, Prodigal Son: “It seems like a very appropriatesongof our times. It’s a bit of an existentialreflection on us dream chasers. Afewyears ago, I went back to my old hometownin Queens, New York, and felt likesucha stranger there. It’s weird but alsocool knowing that so much has happened since those formative years. Musically, it’s a nod to our urban indie rootsand breakbeats.”
What is your musical vision these days? “Although we’re essentially a rock band, WONDERboom has always had an eclectic approach to musical styles because, individually, we are like that. Even within albums every song is different. Personally, I feel like music is all-consuming and I enjoy making it now more What have been some of your personal career highlights with the band? “Coming second in the world at the Global Battle of the Bands in 2004; coming first at the Silk Road Indie Music Festival in China in 2017 and being the sole support act for Guns n Roses at Soccer City in 2018. Personally, landing the role of Jesus in Pieter Toerien’s production of Jesus Christ Superstar. That production grew and toured Greece and South Korea in 2007 and a reprise production ran in 2011.”
What local bands do you rate? “Yoh! There are some good ones. I really rate Diamond Thug and BCUC. Would love to collaborate with either of them.”
Apart from music, what are the guys up to? “Our drummer, Jono, is a lawyer. So that’s kind of cool and convenient. Wade consults in home automation and high-end entertainment systems. Martin sessions and teaches guitar, and, like me, produces and does music direction and sound design for special and corporate events and advertising. I also just launched my own coffee brand, CITO 1974.”
RIDE THE WAVE SUMMER TOUR
30 December - Music Kitchen, PE 2 January - St Francis Brewing Company, St Francis 4 January - Blend Restaurant, Knysna 5 January - Hangklip Hotel, Pringle Bay 6 January - Heroes Restaurant, Cape Town 7 January - Cafe Roux, Noordhoek 8 January - Daisy Jones at OMG, Stellenbosch
CHILL OUT | BOOKS What’s cooking?
FOOD INSPO
There are so many newcookbooksontheshelfthatreaders arespoiltforchoice.Wetakealookatsixofthebest
COMPILED BY BY JANE JANE VORSTER VORSTER
TOGETHER
By JAMIE OLIVER Michael Joseph It’s hardly surprising that this year’s crop of cookbooks have a preoccupation with lockdown and the effect it’s had on the way we interact and the way we eat.
Oliver is on a mission to get us to reconnect after months of being apart and to celebrate food’s power to bring us together and create memories.
Simply put: “This is about saying ‘I love you’ through food.” The recipes are divided into menus from everyday get-togethers and special occasions from Brunch Party and Curry Night to Last Minute Feast and Celebration Roast.
Each menu is divided into starters, mains and puds, with some sharing platters in there too. Here’s the menu for a fun family meal: scrumptious garlic bread, crispy pesto chicken and, to finish, Essex Eton mess with chocolate sauce and sprinkles.
At the back is a nutritional breakdown of each recipe as well as a friendly lecture from Oliver’s nutritional team about healthy eating.
The photography is vibey and the recipes accessible enough to make you want to invite loved ones round for that long overdue LFSHE LOVE
By OTTOLENGHITEST KITCHEN Ebury In this post-lockdown cookbook, Yotam Ottolenghi and his team have put together a proudly utilitarian guide with the aim of getting readers to tap into their creativity while making use of what they already have in their kitchens.
They want you to raid your shelves, rummage in your freezer and have the confidence to swop out ingredients. Got a tin of butter beans nearing its use-by date at the back of your cupboard? Some wonky-looking veggies in your fridge? Don’t bin them. Use them. And put an Ottolenghi spin on it.
The book has a sturdy fold-out list of ingredients you might have and a cross-reference to recipes where you can use them. On each recipe there’s a Make It Your Own box for you to write notes of how you made it your own.
Ingredients are recognisably “Ottolenghi”: from aubergine to za’atar, and some aren’t readily accessible in South Africa, such as black limes. But there’s a simplicity here too: one-pan crispy spaghetti and chicken or “that one bag of mixed veggies and potato fritters with harissa”.
These are recipes that say, “I’ll show you the rules but here’s how to break them.” – SANDY COOK SAYRAM IN10
By GORDON RAMSAY Hodder & Stoughton Ramsay in 10 began as a quirky idea for the famous chef’s YouTube channel. He wanted to throw down the gauntlet to fellow chefs to see if they could cook classic dishes in 10 minutes. Then lockdown happened and the Michelin star-maestro found himself stuck at home with his family. So he decided to challenge himself, and took to the task with gusto.
This book is the result of these quickfire culinary adventures, recipes that in theory you can whip up in a flash without sacrificing flavour. There are loads of familiar dishes with a Ramsay spin – green shakshuka, pan- fried veal chops with Boston baked beans, and bacon cauliflower cheese on toast.
The desserts are inviting and accessible: microwave sticky toffee pudding, 10-minute cookies with malted hot chocolate and American-style fluffy pancakes with flambéd pineapple.
It’s worth having an arsenal of flavour-packed pastes, sauces and spice mixes in your pantry to speed up the cooking process and maximise flavour. Ramsay exhorts you to be organised, have a well-equipped kitchen and buy good ingredients. Oh, and keep your knives sharp. – SANDY COOK
OTHER YUMMY FOOD BOOKS
ECURRY YTHAI DAN MBS drille book ains y-towreciforall yourThaifavouritessuchas samanMass curry,PadThaiand friedcrispyduck.There’salso a rgasbord of delicious-look-smor ing tarters and appetisers. st fore you fire up your wok, Be mbsToom explains what equiptmentand ingredients you’ll needand shows how to make yourcurry pastes from scratch.
TH GU By D TOO Quad This cont easy follow pesf Thaifavouritessu
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NELIEN NAAR man & usseau sbook tures rethan recipes, viding informationaboutthebest waysto preparedifferent cuts andtypesofmeat.South Africans are committed carnivores but many of us stick to dishes we know well and here Pienaar encourages you to try something new or at least put a new spin on those old favourites.
ME By ANN PIEN Hum Rou This feat mor 100 prov
GGIE-VEG OUSLICI By MOKGADI M I WENGTSW manHum & Rousseau s Thiscookkbooktakes youthrough t theseasons, s providing providingideas ideasfor forhealthy he breakfasts,sidedishes,nibbles andspectacularmains.
Itsweng also shows you how to use traditional indigenous ingredients such as morogo, millet and sorghum. But most of all the thing she successfully proves is that sticking to a plant- based diet is easy when you know what to cook.
