chuckles POINT PROVEN
A husband is trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He shows her a study which indicates that men use about 10 000 words per day, whereas women use 20 000 words. The woman tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looks stunned and sputters, “What?”
CONFUSED
A small boy is talking to his grandfather. “Why does it rain?” he asks. “To make the plants grow,” the grandfather replies. The boy looks puzzled and says, “So why does it rain on the pavement?”
FLIGHT PROBLEM
Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly stops, turns around and returns to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally takes off. A concerned passenger asks the flight attendant, “Excuse me, what was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explains the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
THANKS, BUT NO THANKS
A local charity organisation for the veterans’ office realises it has never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of fundraising calls him to persuade him to make a contribution. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least R500 000, you give not a cent to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community?” The lawyer mulls this over for a moment and replies, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills?” The embarrassed officer mumbles, “Um . . . no.” “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” the lawyer continues. The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology but is interrupted.
Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.
“Or that my sister’s husband died in a car crash,” the lawyer’s voice rises in fury, “leaving her penniless with three children?” The horrified charity rep, completely beaten and utterly ashamed, says simply, “I had no idea.” The lawyer is on a roll, so he cuts the rep off once again. “So, if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
SOMETHING SILLY S Question: What lies at the bot-
tom of the ocean and twitches? Answer: A nervous wreck. S Question: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? Answer: They’re trying to get away from the noise. S Question: What do you call Santa’s helpers? Answer: Subordinate Clauses. S Question: How does a spoilt, rich girl change a light bulb? Answer: She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.” S Question: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? Answer: A stick. S Question: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Answer: They all have phones. S Question: What loses its head in the morning and gets it back at night? Answer: A pillow. S A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.
PROBLEM SOLVED
By the time a sailor pulls into a little town every hotel room is taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleads. “Or just a bed.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,” admits the manager of the hotel, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. So I’m not sure you’d want to do that.” “No problem,” the tired sailor assures him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning, the sailor comes down to breakfast brighteyed and bushy-tailed. “How did
you sleep?” the manager asks. “Never better.” The manager is impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?” “Nope. I shut him up in no time,” the Navy guy says. “How did you manage that?” the manager asks. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explains. “I went over to him, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful’. He sat up all night watching me.”
ROAD WARS
Magistrate: But if you saw the lady driving towards you why didn’t you give her half the road? Motorist: I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.
NOT NECESSARY
A little girl runs up to her mother and asks, “Mummy, Mummy, where do babies come from?” “The stork, dear,” her mother replies. “Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?” the girl asks. “The police, dear,” the mother answers nonchalantly. “Mummy,” says the girl, “if our house was on fire, who would save us?” “The fire department,” the mother answers calmly. “Mummy, where does food come from?” the girl asks. “Farmers, dear,” the mother says. “Mummy,” says the girl, “then what do we need Daddy for?”
IN COURT
Pamela is sitting at the defendant’s table while the traffic officer is being cross-examined on the witness stand.
CATCH OF THE DAY After a match, a cricketer who’d dropped six catches is getting changed in the locker room. Sniffling, he says, “I think I’ve caught a cold.” “Thank goodness,” his captain says. “At least you can catch something!”
The lawyer asks, “When you stopped the defendant, Pamela, were your red and blue lights flashing?” “Yes, sir, they were,” the officer replies. “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?” “Yes, sir, she did.” “What was it the defendant said?” the lawyer asks the officer as he points to Pamela. “What disco am I at?”
EXTREME SPORTS
Two drunks are standing on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has a few budgies perched on his arms while the other has parrots on his arms. After a few minutes they both leap off the cliff and plummet to the ground. Later, lying next to each other in hospital, one says, “I don’t think much of this budgie jumping.” “Yeah,” the other drunk says, “and this parrot gliding is for the birds.”
PARTY TALK S At a cocktail party, one woman
says to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replies, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.” S A man says to his buddy, “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
WHAT A PENALTY
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in South Africa? On the first offence they give you match tickets to go watch Bafana Bafana and on the second, they make you use them.
FOR THE KIDS S Question: What do you call a pig
that does karate? Answer: A pork chop. S Question: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 plus 5 on a calculator? Answer: She couldn’t find the “10” button. S Question: Why are ghosts bad liars? Answer: Because you can see right through them. you.co.za 6 JANUARY 2022
51
