Blossom Review - Winter 2003/2004 by NY Writers Coalition

BLOSSOM REVIEW Winter 2003/04

NY Writers Coalition Press

Blossom Review Winter 2003/04

NY Writers Coalition Press

Copryright ÂŠ 2004 NY Writers Coalition Inc. Upon publication, copyright to individual works returns to the authors. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Editor: Susanna Schrobsdorff Layout: Aaron Zimmerman Photos: Helene Caux Blossom Writers Group Photo: Nubia LaShawn Jackson Blossom Review contains writing by the Fall and Winter 2003/04 members of Blossom Writers, a creative writing workshop conducted by NY Writers Coalition Inc. All of the workshop members participated in the Blossom Program for Girls, a program for girls aged 12-18 in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn run by Youth Empowerment Mission Inc. NY Writers Coalition Inc. is a not-for-profit organization that provides free and low-cost creative writing workshops throughout New York City for people from groups that have been historically deprived of voice in our society. For more information about NY Writers Coalition Inc.: NY Writers Coalition Inc. 80 Hanson Plaace, #603 Brooklyn, NY 11217 (718) 398-2883 info@nywriterscoalition.org www.nywriterscoalition.org Youth Empowerment Mission Inc. provides youth services and empowerment workshops to young people throughout Brooklyn who are at high risk for gang involvement and delinquency. For more information about Youth Empowerment Mission Inc.: Youth Empowerment Mission Inc. 54 MacDonough Street, 3rd Floor Brooklyn, NY 11216 (718) 857-2447

Introduction The Blossom Program for Girls is an after-school haven from the distractions and dangers of the streets of Bedford Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. I was going to tell you about how you’ll get to know the Blossom girls and their challenges as you read the poems to follow, but then I got to thinking about the word “girls” and about a writing prompt we worked on a few weeks ago. I asked the girls to write about when they knew they were not kids any more. The room went quiet almost instantaneously. Normally, at 4pm when I walk into the big yellow room where we write, they are a knot of kinetic energy. They want to dish about who said what at school and of course there’s the need for food, so it usually takes a while to settle down. But the question of “when did you grow up,” really hit home; they jumped right into writing. Because, as you’ll see, they are not exactly girls, even though they are all 14 or under and some are as young as 11. Often they’ve been pushed into grown up choices and sobering violence before they even get to high school.

Their writing illuminates the split between the joyful pre-teens who write their names in bubble letters on their notebooks, and the very same girls who struggle to navigate complicated sexual issues. Their peers often disappear into a thicket of drugs and gangs but these girls manage to show up at Blossom to write and dance and talk about the future. So come, read on and meet these young women through their poems. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m sure youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll join me as admirers of both their work and the determination that brings them to Blossom. With special thanks to Nubia LaShawn Jackson of Youth Empowerment Mission who has made a beautiful home for the writers at Blossom, Helene Caux for her amazing photographs and profound thanks to Aaron Zimmerman for the support and unflagging good cheer that make these workshops possible. Susanna Schrobsdorff February 10, 2004

THE OPPOSITE OF SAFE IS HOME ALICIA HAMLETT The opposite of safe is home I mean everyone there You're afraid You're afraid to love, and no one will love you back To talk, and no one will listen To want to be with everyone, but you're alone You get so used to being alone, that the opposite of being alone is being safe And when you're safe with them, you want to die You want to cry You just want to be alone again You want to be in your own little box That's why the opposite of being alone is safe

THINGS MY MOTHER SAID BRITTANY COWARD Ms. Prissy Ass, too cute to rock Timberland boots Ms. Prada, Gucci, Louis Vuiton, Coach, Christian Dior Gotta match from her head to the floor And when them tracks go in you can't tell her shit Because forreal forreal with that Foxy Brown weave She is too legit to quit Ms. I never did nothing, I was good, blah blah blah No drugs, no alcohol I used my brains to get by White gold is the new platinum Always at a sale And when I look in the mirror the reflection of her never ever fails I know what I want to be Everything my mother is, I see in me I'm transforming now, my body language, my speech and the motions I make when I move my head And then I realize the things I say are the things my mother said

I KNEW I WASNâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T A KID ANY MORE SHANEQUA ADRIAN STUKES I knew I wasn't a kid when my baby-father Marvin went inside of me like it was nothing. I love him with all of my heart. My first child with him was very... I don't know how to say it, but I had a girl by him. Her name is Adrian. Lil One, Stukes, Silver. I was happy. His mother was happy and mine were too. Everything just came real when I became a mother. You know what, I'm not a child any more. I'm a woman.

ANYWHERE CHENELLE MCCARTNEY As I sit in this car, I think he's taking me somewhere really far. We are going fast, faster than a spaceship going into blast. The seats are leather and it's smooth as a feather. Now it's a red light and we stop. Then all of the sudden I see rain start to drop. The car smells like a flower, which reminds me of baby powder. He looks over at me and he smiles so bright the rain stops falling. But I think he's fake, like a pimp trying to stop balling. He's not telling me where we are going and I am scared because this is worse than getting dared. Dared to love someone that makes you cry. It feels like your heart dies. Then he says, "Oops, I forgot I have to let you off here because I never meant to take you anywhere." 10

I KNEW I WASN'T A KID ANYMORE ALICIA HAMLETT I knew I wasn't a kid anymore when I saw him touch her. His hands against her body. The loud noise. Her yelling and screaming. Begging for him to stop. Me and them praying for it to stop. Not knowing what was going on. Them breaking the door down. Her bleeding, just there. His body, just there. Me knowing that the life I had of playing with dolls, watching channel Thirteen was over. It just got real. My boys die Girls getting raped My boys on drugs My friends on drugs, in gangs, drinking, selling, whatever. It just got real. The fact is that I'm not a kid. I have to hold my own. My friends fight for their life because someone did wrong. Why do they have to take the blame? 12

The pain, the loneliness, the hate, too much love. But now I'm not a kid. I'm not an adult. So what am I? I'm not the average teen. I'm not the average girl. So what do you see me as? Just because I look old, act old and look good, it doesn't mean I am old. I'm a child at heart. A child that looks too old for her age. So what do you see me as?

JUST LOOKING AT ME YOU'D NEVER KNOW... QIIYANA SIMPKINS I could beat anybody at anything My nickname was Chuck I've never had name brand things I wore glasses I'm not as dumb as I look I hate everything I was an artist I've helped people with problems except for Tyniesha I've never taken drugs I'm happy with who I am, and if you have a problem with that, too bad

BOYS MARCYA KNIGHT Do they just lay in bed with girls and make them pregnant on purpose? Do they just try not to be in their kids' life? Do they just bust a cap in someone's a- on purpose because they don't like them? BOYS! Baby Makin' Gangbanging Boys.

JUST THINKING LANA STEVENSON Inside I feel like I'm a grown woman in a little girl body, in a little girl's act. Maybe it's my life. I've been through a lot. Not a-lot, a-lot, but as much as a six-year-old girl can handle well, a mature six-year-old. When it comes to family I'm very serious and maybe once in a while when I'm with friends I might act stupid. But mostly when I'm all alone I get to think. I don't know why I act this way. That's just who I am.

I KNEW IT WAS MY MOTHER NAJIER MATTHEWS My mother has this look to her. She's light skinned. She's not really fat, but she has some weight on her. She's not one of those skinny women, but she is shaped like a professional model. Thick. She has this walk to her when she comes up the block. It's like she tries to look good, but she does not switch a lot like those "chicken heads!" If she has on a dress, it sways back and forth as she moves. She has a good taste in clothes, not too dark and definitely not too light. Her favorite word is Damn! Everything is Damn! "Why didn't you finish your "damn" homework? If you get her mad she will curse you out. She be "keeping it real."

HALF PUERTO RICAN AKIA GAYLE When my sister was born she came out looking like a white baby. My grandmother came to the hospital to get her and when they showed her the baby she said, "Oh my God, this can't be my grandbaby!" The nurse re-assured her that it was: "Tonya Denise Gayle is your grandchild." Well, as she got older her hair began to grow fast...Real fast! I wondered why and remembered that she (my sister) is half Puerto Rican. Since her hair grows fast my grandmother would always complain and cut it short. My grandmother does not like the way it tangles up when Tonya plays in it. But since Tonya's hair grows so fast it does not even matter to her! The other day, while doing Tonya's hair my grandmother said, "Your hair is so long and pretty, how come Akia, Roxanne and Latoya's hair is not like this?" In my mind I yelled BECAUSE WE ARE NOT HALF PUERTO-RICAN!

CLEMENTINE ALICIA HAMLETT It's so cold and just one color. The coldness and the color get lost as you continue to look at it. Your mind wanders and you realize your body heat is dropping. You wonder where this feeling came from. You're wondering how long it's going to be there before it disappears. Suddenly the feeling of coldness stops. Now you're having this incredible feeling in your mouth. It's new but something's wrong. It's too sour, no it's too sweet. You decided to let this taste go on. To let the feeling keep going until you find out what it is.

THE OPPOSITE OF HOME IS THE STREETS AZIZA SIMPKINS The opposite of home is the streets The opposite of a kiss is hate The opposite of safe is at school The opposite of you is me The opposite of me is you

WHY DO MEN LEAVE? QUIIYANA SIMPKINS Why do men leave while mothers take care of the kids? Does he leave because of a good reason? To put food on the table for his kids? Does he leave because of a bad reason? To spread a rumor about the girl he made love to? To get her to quit her job or drop out of high school? Is he there when his child is born? If not, is it because of the fact that he is not ready for a child? Is it because of the fact that he wanted her to suffer? Is it because he wanted her to see what it feels like to be a hoe? Is it just to see what it's like to have someone who cares about you just slip out of their skinny little fingers? This is one of those questions that it's hard to find the answers to.

13 WAYS I SEE MY MOTHER! CHERYL THOMPSON 1. Loving Her 2. Being in her house 3. Hearing her say crazy things to me 4. Looking at her when she is sick 5. Watching her sleep on the couch 6. Hearing her blame things on me 7. Laughing at her on holidays and every day 8. Taking me places to buy things for me 9. Admiring her when she is with her sister 10. Mad Gangsta on the low 11. Ghetto Fabulous 12. Beautiful Black Woman 13. Smart & Strong Ms. Thompson, My Mother.

SCARED FATIMA ROBINSON I was most scared when I thought people was going to jump me. It was the day before Thanksgiving. The wind was blowing and it was cold outside. It was dark outside. There was only street lights on. I could smell food cooking and I could see people down Madison Street. As I was coming from the store, these four girls stopped me. I didn't know who it was at first. One was wearing a leather jacket. She came to me and said that Niambi (the Hoe) wanted to fight me. I was scared. I felt my arm and I looked and saw goosebumps. I thought they all was going to jump me. But when she approached me I saw it was only one person. I didn't want to fight, but I did. I beat the crap out of her. Everyone knows she can't fight so they talk about her behind her back. The girl, Niambi (the Hoe) still keeps coming back for me to fight her again. I thought she would learn something. I told her, practice don't make perfect.

PHENOMENAL WOMAN MARCYA KNIGHT I say my mother is phenomenal because of the way she looks at me. She might yell, but in her eyes you could still tell she's happy. She's phenomenal because of the way she handles my sisters and I when we fight. She is phenomenal because of her sweet voice when she talks to me when I am depressed. She is phenomenal because of the way she takes care of me when I am sick. She's phenomenal because of the way she takes care of her kids when she does not have a penny in her wallet.

POPPOP LANA STEVENSON Please let me get over the death of him because Lord knows I miss him. Only god can help me. Plus, I never could get over that. I never could say good-bye to him. Phrases: One that I can relate to is, you never know what you have until it's gone. One to nine years I loved dearly him until he left. I wish he didn't have to go. Prayer: I pray every night hoping that it was all a dream and that he would be right there for me for all my troubles. PopPop, my grandfather, I loved him the most. He can't be replaced by no one and I just wish he was here.

PHENOMENAL WOMAN TENISHA MATTHEWS She is a phenomenal woman because of the way she yells her lungs out to ask me to do something She is phenomenal because of the way she slicks back her hair with her hands She is phenomenal because of the way she can wear her skirt and her sneakers She is phenomenal because of the way she says it hurts me more than it hurts you when she is about to slap me She is phenomenal even though she is not here to hear me say it She is a phenomenal woman She is my mother

FRIGHTENED SALIYMA SIMPKINS The most frightened I've ever been was when I was watching the movie "Darkness Falls." I heard the toothfairy whispering somebody's name. I smelled the pillows that surrounded me to keep me safe. I saw a person flying with a white mask on haunting people. I felt my mother's arm that I was laying on whenever I had a sense that something was going to happen. Whenever I jumped I felt her laughing at me.

JOURNEY TENISHA MATTHEWS I was getting into the car because of the death of my mother. I saw a hearse with a rosy pink casket. As I woke up the next morning I called for Mama to hear her say Good Morning. I didn't hear her reply. The texture of my skin was bumpy because I just had the feeling that she was there! The smell was like my mother's perfume White Diamonds. The temperature of my body was cold because I didn't have the warmth of my mother's love.

NINE WAYS OF LOOKING AT MY FATHER AZIZA SIMPKINS 1. He is tall 2. He is dark 3. He is handsome 4. My mother says he is a bum when I call her. (That's when I'm arguing with her) 5. He has elf ears. 6. Every time I see him, he goes to sleep. 7. He always gives us money. 8. He has a deep voice that I hear when he rings and I answer the intercom. 9. He always got to go to work. Why can't he just throw that stupid beeper away?

I KNEW I WASN'T A KID WHENâ&#x20AC;Ś SHAQUANE TINDAL I knew I wasn't a kid when I got my menstruation. I knew I wasn't a kid when I started showing more appreciation. I knew I wasn't a kid when I said the word love to a boy. I knew I wasn't a kid when I didn't play with toys anymore. I knew I wasn't a kid when I gave the key to my heart away and let him open the door. I knew I wasn't a kid anymore when I didn't cry over a scrape on my leg. I knew I wasn't a kid any more when I knew about rape. I knew I wasn't a kid when I became more respectful. I knew I wasn't a kid when I became more helpful. I knew I wasn't a kid because I still have more of my life to live. I still need to know about the world I'm not a kid, but I'm still a little girl!

WHY IS LIFE THE WAY IT IS? CHENELLE MCCARTNEY Why is life the way it is? It's harder than a math quiz. Why are so many things so wrong? Like rappers getting killed over a song. Why did God make us the way we are? Like when we fall we get a scar. Why was the love made? It's sadder than losing a game at the arcade. Or more hurtful than to get stepped on at a parade. Why do people make each other sad? So sad, it's not being mad. Why do people kill each other? Worse than watching your mom have your newborn brother. That's why I don't understand the way life is!!!

THAT ROOM ALICIA HAMLETT The time I was most scared was when she was in that room - telling him no, I'm not ready. Me, hearing the glass hitting the wall. Him smoking weed telling her I'm ready, my friends scared for her, but saying the weed smells good. Them leaving to go get help. Me opening the door. It was dark but light at the same time. Me searching for him. Me punching him in his face. His smooth skin going across my hand. Him lying there not moving. Her crying. I knew her life was going to change because of that moment. My cousin was dying inside. We finally left that room. Him going away, far away. Her, left hurting herself, forever. Running the streets looking for a safe place so 34

she'll never have to see that face again. Me worrying because she'll never find that place until she faces him again.

WHEN I'M 25 LYNETTE MORREN When I be 25, I won't be a hoe. I won't be broke. I won't have more than 3 kids. I won't be with a man that don't love me or don't like to work. I won't be working at a cheap job. If my 25 year-old self could see me now, she would be like: Oh, my God, look at you -so surprised.

JUST PRAY SHAQUANE TINDAL It's kind of hard being a young black male because the first thing that the cops look at is your appearance. They are judging a book by its cover. So they think you're suspicious and they're looking to get you caught and locked up. That's why nowadays they're building more jails than schools. All we can do is watch our backs. So for now, just pray.

The Blossom Writers Workshop: First row (left to right): Ashley Nealious, Aziza Simpkins, Lana Stevenson, Saliyma Simpkins. Back row: Chenelle McCartney, Susanna Schrobsdorff, Alicia Hamlett, Shaquana Tindal, Qiiyana Simpkins, Jessica Lyons

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