Survivor's Game

N Y

b y

W r i t e r s

E d i t e d

C o a l i t i o n

K i m b e r ly

P r e s s

B l i s s

W r i t i n g f r o m W o m e n I I S e r e n d i p i t y a t

S U RV I VOR ’ S GAME

2

Survivor’s Game W R ITIN G

FR O M

W O MEN

AT

S ER E ND IP IT Y II

NY W R ITER S C OALI TIO N P R ES S FALL 2017

3

Copyright © 2017 NY Writers Coalition, Inc.

ISBN: 978-0-9986029-6-7 Library of Congress Control Number: 2017954806

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Upon publication, copyright to individual works returns to the authors.

Editor: Kimberly Bliss Layout: Daisy Flores Cover Images: Aaron Burden (Front), Łukasz Łada, adrian (Back) via Unsplash Interior Images: Daisy Flores Survivor’s Game contains writing by members of NY Writers Coalition’s workshop at Serendipity II, a residential substance abuse treatment center NY Writers Coalition Press, Inc. 80 Hanson Place, Suite 604 Brooklyn, NY 11217 (718) 398-2883 info@nywriterscoalition.org www.nywriterscoalition.org

4

5

6

Contents F O R E W OR D Q UAND A W O OD Y Original Writing C R Y ST A L G A N T T 13 U NTIT LE D /U NTI TL ED /U NT I TLE D no.2/T HE M ES S A G E / # LI FE G O ALS /M Y A D DI CT / U NTIT LE D no .3/U NTIT LE D no.4 / U NTIT LE D no .5/U NTIT LE D no.6/U NTIT LE D no.7 D A N I E L L E L E M IE U X 25 I P R A YE D T O W R I TE A B E AU TIF U L P OE M /G OD IS L OV E AN D I L O VE G O D /S T IL L B R E AT HIN G /H AP P IL Y E V ER A FT E R / S UI CI DE /G OD ’ S H AN D O N M E /D IS E AS E D /T HE S UR VI VOR / I T ’ S N O T W OR T H I T M S. C HANDLER U NTIT LE D /T H IN K

OF

43 S O M ETH IN G /T HE O L D G UY / T R UT H AND L IES

E M M A N U E L A M IR A C L E U NTIT LE D /T R U T H

49 AND

L IES /U NTIT LE D no .2

K L A S S IC T 53 U NTIT LE D /U NTI TL ED no.2 /U NTIT LE D no .3/U NTIT LE D no .4 / U NTIT LE D no .5/U NTIT LE D no.6/U NTIT LE D no.7 B O N N I E B A I L EY 61 S HE P U LL ED IT A P AR T / F R I END OF B IL L W./M AD H OUS E / N EWS FR O M B E YO ND /D A YS AT T HE D O CT OR ’ S O FF ICE / T UR T LE L I N D A D O N N A P H I L E M ON D 69 W HAT IS L O VE ?/U N TIT LE D /U NTI TL ED no.2/S H E - D EVI L /I N A L O VER ’ S E YE / L OS T L OV E Q UANDA W OODY 77 A S KIN G /L ET IT B UR N /B E A UT Y P A GE ANT /C AND Y S T OR E ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS A B O U T NY W R IT E R S C OA L I T I O N I N C .

83 87 5

8

Foreword

One of the most beautiful things you can do is write. A song, a poem, a note or love letters to yourself or others.

It has a lasting effect when you write from your soul, it helps you gain control.

This book by the ladies of Serendipity II will be Book 4 for our group. Bonnie Bailey, Ms. Chandler, Emmanuela Miracle, Klassic T, Linda Donna Philemond, Danielle Lemieux, Crystal Gantt, and myself, Quanda Woody. We give to our readers our life pain, joy, shame, love, heartache, and blame. We trust our readers to accept this book as a gift to the heart and mind of recovery.

Thank You.

Q U A ND A W OOD Y Serendipity II Workshop Participant

F AL L 20 17

9

10

11

12

Untitled C RYS TA L G ANT T

Today is a new day. From now on I’ll continue to pray. These dark thoughts have no place here. I’ll get rid of them all one day. I swear! Hush. Hush no need to cry. I promise you that by my hand, each one will die. I'm gonna tell you I love you and to you I won’t lie.

13

Unti t le d no. 1 C RYS TA L G ANT T

Choices, Choices, Choices. We all have Choices. We use different reasoning whether it may be emotions, or going off of another’s notions. Sometimes making Choices based on these voices. Which is usually where we make the biggest mistake. Absorbing them in thinking its real, when indeed it’s all a big fake. I guess it’s all about the road we take. Maybe I’m all right. Maybe I’m all wrong.

All I know is that thus far my road has been very long. I’m tired now. This road is bumpy and lumpy. So many detours traps and snares. At times it was almost impossible to bare. Winding and bending, stopping because Men are holding signs saying under construction guiding me another way toward total destruction.

Get back on track only to get detoured again. Going north now. Go down Mary Jane’s Way and Jack Daniel’s Lane no pain. Feeding the wrong part of my brain. Numbing my heart and pumping hate for me and you! Yes excuse me I have to go west. This used to be true. But at last I'm back on this road. This time armed with something more precious than gold! A love for me! Which you cannot see. A peace through GOD which some find odd.

Knowledge to know when my feet get tired he’ll carry me to my graced desire! So now I am fully armored with angels and soldiers. Who while I sleep deflect all harm and then wake me with a cup of folders. GOD as my general filling me with love, knowledge, courage and peace bare with me now I must go east wow look at my past tracks have been erased by the wind. He surely has forgiven my sin. Oh my looking forward I see. The only unforgiving atrocity was me. Coming up on a bend holy shit this roads come to an end. Now I’ll fly and see my new life begin.

14

Unti t le d no. 2 C RYS TA L G ANT T

If I could go back in time to speak to one person, I would speak to my mother at the time she was pregnant with me.

See I know she was scared, confused, and thought her destiny would be to lose.

I’d reassure her that no matter what I love her and if she stays with me I’d be her true love alongside the man above. I’d promise her that if she stayed with me I’d make her proud and get rid of her big black cloud. I’d show her the future bloodline of thee. Each bright, young smile of 1, 2, 3. Mom I wish you could have gotten your chased love, But I hope you are smiling from up above.

15

The Message C RYS TA L G ANT T

If this house could talk, I think it would say I wish I had legs to walk. Sick of the many demons here. To which it seems these people don’t adhere. The secret lies that have brought upon many’s demise. I wish they knew. It’s not your fellow you want to bring harm to. Your mind, body and soul are being attacked. Have they no idea their sub-conscious has been hacked. There have indeed been a few good men. Where they have let a new life begin. My walls are being broken along with a lot of selves devotion.

16

#lifegoals C RYS TA L G ANT T

My life goals are definitely to grow old. To have more knowledge, wisdom and understanding. Forgiving myself for those I abandoned. Putting behind me this place and the ferocity of “the taste”. Finding all the pieces of my puzzle that I once misplaced. Becoming the woman of style, poise, and grace. Love of myself so my daughters lives won’t go to waste. To gain understanding of my sub conscious being.

Never to judge not even the “quote unquote” lowliest fiend.

To become my own best friend, so that love for myself will never end. Teaching the next generation that usually when a person shows you their ugly, they’re crying out “hug me”.

Shining like the brightest nail polish. Let every trespass be abolished!

17

My Addict C RYS TA L G ANT T

Addiction has always been my Affliction. Addicted to love or drugs. Addicted to hurt or hugs. Sex at times moving my body with a soulless mind. Finding love in all the wrong places wanting it from all the wrong faces. Addicted to all the pain you’ve inflicted. Each discrepancy feeling as if it would be the death of me. Life is going by as if it was a movie. Never taking time to find the true me. The person I discovered newly. I don’t need the drink to make me think nor week for my soul to feed. I am a new me. Someone I’m finding love for truly. I am Crystal! Damn I missed you!

18

Unti t le d no. 3 C RYS TA L G ANT T

What does it mean to be free? Along the beach with not a care in the world? Maybe being pampered and given diamonds and pearls! I’m not sure but I believe along with freedom comes a responsibility. Giving others in our life a sense of security. Secure in knowing that we’ll protect our own well being. Not to let our sanity be affected by any person place or thing. To be free of our own mind and the darkness it may find. To be loving and kind but to infringement from others not to be blind. To have self values and morals and not to subject to low down quarrels. What does it mean to be free!

Respect, love, kindness, responsibility is what it means to me.

19

Untitled no. 4 C RYS TA L G ANT T

I gave you life, and you gave me love. I wiped your behind, and you dried my eyes of tears. You’ve filled a void that existence suppressed my very being. Your unconditional love has given me a grip on this slippery slope of this thing called life. I can truly face the man in the mirror and tackle these morbid demons, who have hindered my full potential. For that I am grateful. Oh my loves how my heart rejoices because of you I’m going to make better choices! You are a shining star in a sea of blackness. My little babies shine bright! To GOD I call on to fight this fight. Girls you’ve relieved a great deal of my plight. To you I promise that after this transition we will be together of every day of every night! I love you!

20

Unti t le d no. 5 C RYS TA L G ANT T

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life” I'm not combing my hair! Only out the window I’ll stare. My house? Fuck it let it be bare. Telling me to put on some shoes with a nice outfit… oh don’t you dare! I'm avoiding life. Can’t you see? No time for tears maybe some liquor and a few beers. I can’t face this pain filling me with disdain. It hurts too bad…Damn I'm mad! I cant go on wearing myself thin.

No peace, no love, so I’ll find myself a true young thug. He’ll give me so sour for my soul to devour. Get me some grey goose so I can get loose. Too bad it’s only for a night. Wake up tomorrow to the same damn fight. I did avoid life, the pain, the strife. I wore myself thin, but in Serendipity will my true journey begin.

21

Untitled no. 6 C RYS TA L G ANT T

Well I’m glad she said it because to women, men are indebted. They talk about US unite? When women alone have to stand and fight. See they don’t understand what we have to go through.

Form the stay at home mom. Which is actually a full time job. Having to keep house straight, make sure the kids ate, expected to keep his hot-plate, give the babies knowledge, send them off to college only to never be acknowledged. To the lady who works with no kids. In a chauvinistic field, with hammers as big as Thor’s to wield, only to have men make them yield. See the woman’s attributes isn’t just a fact or two. Racism abolished? Never not until the women are acknowledged.

22

Untitled no. 7 C RYS TA L G ANT T

They sent me out here amongst the despair. Alone of my brethren I’ve seen hide nor hair. They thought I’d go and find some innocent villagers to slaughter. Bringing back proof and any riches I’d find! Oh boy but I fooled them this time. See because I know this place, here I have a cousin named Lem! I gave the others the wrong directions in the bunk, lucky for me they all are drunks! I told my cousin what they were planning, and that if he bring the piano we’ll throw a party that’s slammin! So here I am putting down on those keys. I hear I’m the new big cheese. “Dammit Lem” I said no pictures please!

23

24

I P r ay e d t o W r i t e a Beautiful Poem D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

The journey in which we succeed The times that bring us down to our knees That time is now The answer is yes No re-creation of that lost mess I'm taking my time Passing each test Finally I can handle it Life as it comes Like a fastball at my face The devil no longer rents this space God works here now In many mysterious ways He is now with me All of my days Don’t know how I lived A minute without this peace Was out there battling Me against the streets I can say no today Yes the fuck I can There’s nothing I can’t do I’m the strongest woman This time around I won’t get it confused

25

I love the person I am I love walking in my shoes Thank you God Thank you for everything you’ve done for me You saved my life over the years constantly Even when I cursed you and doubted your presence You never left me for a minute You’ve sheltered me within your essence Waking up to a new day is a blessing I cherish each moment that I exist Now I know if I was to go My life would be greatly missed I am someone Somebody special My worth is priceless This grace can never be taken away As long as I’m grateful And pray to God for each and every new day The sunlight and all His glory The beauty of the world is within our grasp just stop for a second don’t move so fast reach out and own it this beautiful life that is yours and is mine just open up your eyes and appreciate God’s capturing sunshine

26

God is Love and I Love God D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

What do I write about now When the hurt is gone and my life has begun Maybe I should write about the misery When the never ending cycle was killing me Maybe I should write about both As long as its all the truth I guess I should begin where the drugs robbed me of my adulthood and every minute of my youth Now I am left with this And trust me I’m not complaining Because the sun is shining God is with me And my life isn’t thunderstorm and raining Heaven is above me now and its definitely in my future I‘m proud to say I’m persevering, resilient thanks to God my teacher My savior, my captivator, my inspiration, my father my everything I swear I wake up in the morning and I can hear the angels sing Everyday is next to nothing I’ve ever experienced I didn’t know it before but now I'm definitely convinced That he who is the greatest is my one and only love I wasn’t sure what I was gonna write about But I guess this is one for the man above Much love, all my love Every inch of my being

27

I praise you, I repent, thank you for the gift of seeing I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this newfound sight Thank you God for my wings and the gift of spiritual flight Thank you god for my legs that are no longer running for their life I felt the weight of the world crushing my shoulders Beauty wasn’t in the eye of the beholder It was shame, guilt, hurt, non acceptance of my being It was only the devil and his appetite that I was feeding My heart and brain were steaming On fire burning 6 feet under into the depths of hell My heart locked up in the deepest, darkest, lonely cell Thank you god for releasing my mind, heart and soul Thank you god for helping me get back the control I just wanna let you know That I’ll pray with you Stay with you I’ll do anything to be close to you God I want you to know I love you I’ll put nothing, no one above you

28

S t i l l B r e at h i n g D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

When did I live that life that I used to live It feels like years but it was only minutes ago Seconds maybe Now my life is up on Front Street Yea this is me All of me Accept me, approve of me, or forget me It really doesn’t matter Because I accept me I disagree with me sometimes But I’m lucky to be alive All the shit I put myself through Putting myself in positions just to be used Used up, chewed up, torn down, thrown away But here I am strong, living to see another day Everyday I put my hands together and I pray There were times when life almost killed me Took the knife to my wrist, took a slice and that was it I’m still here though I didn’t die It may not have been that great of a try Grateful, so very appreciating That I'm standing here and my heart is still beating My design and soul are spiritually at ease Connected Not being dissected

29

By demons, heathens, and hate Now me, God, my spirit and mind all relate My new beginning, my clean slate My new life, prosperous, righteous, and straight All day I’m in a constant state Of desired happiness I’ll tell you one thing the devil can’t mean this Not what God means God is love, not misery The devil is a liar And he don’t mean shit to me I condemn him from my life That chapter is over and I am done When I really think about it was it that much fun Not a minute of it was worth the demons That invaded my space The darkness of hell and that stench Left in my mouth a bad taste The dark side is a cold, scary, lonely place The devil comes in variety He has more than one face I’ll never forget where I’ve been One thing I know is God will forgive me For each and every sin That is because he loves me and that is a fact He loves us all, but some of us don’t get The opportunity to come back

30

H a p p i ly E v e r After D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

How about life when you’re feeling grand And people may not be able to understand I’d like to tell them all they need is Jesus Because he is our salvation, the one who will free us What a relief the passing time is for me My future existence has nothing to do with my history I love you Lord, how can I thank you for blessing my life?

I’m grateful to be rid of all vengeance and spite Tranquility and peace overcame me My life is harvested with harmony My garden is growing flowers of peace and acceptance I’m striving to be closer with you, I’m relentless My sky is full of stars of appreciation My mountains are soaring high with patience My rivers are flowing with imagination These thoughts from the dark one are finally fading I have plateaus of the answer no I will not submit to dark tools of hell I have a relationship with God No longer under the devil’s spell The waves of my ocean are full of grace and honesty The sand of my desert is pouring out spirituality There is one thing besides death that is promised to me And that’s that God will love me unconditionally The devil can no longer get close to me!

I have waterfalls of gratitude I owe my entire life to you Across the rivers, the seas, the mountains, the breeze Your essence is within me To you I dedicate this newest chapter And I’ll call it my happily ever after

31

Suicide D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

Blowing away all in one breath Suffering from such unnecessary stress Tying myself down to an imaginary bed Why can’t I stop consuming this poisonous bread Striking myself down with the sharpest sword Thinking I’m giving myself this unnatural reward I burned myself in the flaming fire I abused my soul until I was too tired Shooting myself with bullets from insatiable guns Falling into the deepest disparity on this last run Jumping from the tallest building “smack” landing on the floor This is not the life I want to lead I don’t want to do this anymore Drowning myself in a beautiful body of water Setting myself up to get ready for the slaughter Taking a syringe and shooting [concrete] into my veins The mess of me everywhere All the bloody stains Taking a knife and slicing my wrists Hitting my face by clenching my fists

32

Driving a car right off the side of the road Swallowing something large to get lodged in my throat I’ve jumped in a tank full of sharks And played in the jungle when the night turns dark Rattlesnakes might be a better idea How about playing with some wild hyenas?

Why don’t I eat some poisonous berries?

Or in the middle of the ocean, jump right off the ferry I’ve hung off a cliff one thousand feet up Came across a bear and decided to get rough I liked to play a game of catch with a grenade Dove right into burning lava because I’m a slave Setting off weapons of mass destruction How about a whole new body construction I’ve ran right into a lion’s pride This is a list of ways to commit suicide Another way for you to decide Is to do drugs for your entire life

33

God’s Hand on Me D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

I want to see you as far as I can see I want to inhale you every time I breathe I never want to exhale you I only want to receive I want to feel your essence from my head to toe I want to feel you flowing through me and never let go I want to hear your voice, so soothing in my ear As long as I can hear you I know that you are near I want to taste you on my tongue like a sweet fruit God please, I just want to know how to get closer to you

34

Diseased D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

I’m making your blood boil Who can I be?

I’m here to kill you Yet I make your heart beat I’m gonna make you love me Although you shouldn’t I’ll make you my student I want you to die I want your family to cry I want to make the earth sick With the blood of your flesh I want to make your heart stop Beating in your chest I want to poison the blood That flows in your veins I want to be victorious The force that reigns I want to trick you into thinking That you can fly Take the leap So I can see you die I’m your friends That check your pockets when you stop breathing No call for help This is the time for thieving I want to see the weight Of your body floating through the ocean

35

I want to cause you havoc No peace, only commotion I want to dig my claws Into your body and make it shiver I want to make you hate yourself Suicide is what I deliver I want you to take From the people you love I want you to lose Every once of their trust I want you to think Only about you I want you to do Only what I tell you to You’ll start to hear voices Telling you that you’re nothing You’ll never be satisfied I want you to always want something I want to sink my teeth Deep into your soul I don’t ever want you to feel As if you were whole When you wake up in the morning You’ll need me I don’t ever want you to feel As if you were free I want to drill a hole Right through your heart

36

Childhood tragedies Is where I’ll start I wanna be the only thing In the world you desire I want you to be consumed with me I want to burn you up like fire I want to cause you so much pain And I never want you to recover I want to replace your mother, father, Sister, and your brother I’ll make sure You don’t show up for anything important I’ll even show you How to make your children feel extorted I want you to hurt people The same way I hurt you I don’t want you to care about their feelings Never put on their shoe I want you to get beaten, raped, and sodomized I want these things to happen Because you wanted to get high But my ultimate goal My ultimate predication Is that you die slowly By the way, my name’s Addiction.

37

The Survivor D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

When the mountain you climbed is broken And the words you’ve said have been spoken When the hills that you fell off rolled you back up When you swam in the river and the ripples were rough When you were flying and the wind has knocked you down When you needed someone and nobody was around When the ocean’s current is taking you under The storm rolls in and you’re scared of the thunder Because you know the lightening is coming right after And you don’t have the strength to run away faster When you feel like the world is suffocating And suicide is an idea that you’re contemplating When torment and anger have twisted your mind But you tell everyone that things are just fine When the shrill voice of the enemy lies to you And destruction and madness are in full view When rock bottom seems like a place you’d like to be And you feel like you may never be free When the earth is digging a hole for your grave You’ve given your life to drugs and you’re a slave When all your friends have slammed the door in your face And you think that everything you’ve done was a waste When it’s cold outside and the streets are where you live And you’ve burned all your bridges so there’s nothing left to give The holidays are coming and you’re lonely and you’re scared Your life has been a tragedy and you wonder why you’re sparred When you feel like there’s nowhere to go and nobody to help And you think that nobody can feel the way you felt

38

You’re not alone, just put your feet on solid ground It’s not too late You could possibly turn it around The fact that you made it though such life Experience You’re the only one that you really need to convince It’s a miracle that you’ve made it out alive Through all the struggle, somehow you have done it & Survived It’s time for you to strive, revive, and Build castles in the sky God has given you another chance Just take it, don’t ask why

39

I t ’ s N o t Wo rt h I t D ANIE LLE L EM IEU X

I can’t make everything rhyme I just gotta make it work Some things I need to remember I have to put God first Now I have to get right with myself again Because my train has derailed and fell off track And this time is different There is no turning back I got these ghosts and they’re tormenting my soul And these fucking drugs man I can’t let them go My thought’s are flooded with the devil’s desires I can’t take the heat But I’d still jump in that fire I’ve done it before I’m not trying to do it again And of all the things I could do wrong That would be my #1 sin My head twists in the direction of the first distraction It’s not what I’m thinking though My future lies in my actions

40

I’ve done some things wrong And I’m talking about lately And I’ve made some harsh judgements And I’m talking about blatantly I know that my God will always forgive me But what kind of wretched poison did the devil slip me?

I’ve been digging myself a shallow grave And the demons are out taking what they can take And I got a smile on my face Faking what I can fake But I gotta think bigger picture Because my life is at stake Here’s a little depiction of the heat of my addiction Prison of the mind and the warden is in Turbulence in the cabin and I’m starting to spin But then my faith stops me And I refuse to let him rob me This is no longer a game you see I need to stop conspiring with me I know God intends for me to flourish on this earth So I need to stop my nonsense And take what I deserve.

41

42

Untitled M S . C HAND LER

The man on the side of Interboro Parkway Road Right across from him That was called Evergreen Cemetery for years I have taken that road going To Pennsylvania with family Nothing but trees and rocks\and sticks\the young man must have Been paying His respect to someone he loved He found an old piano and He started to play, oh happy day When Jesus washed Oh when he washed He washed his sins away Amen

43

Think of Something M S . C HAND LER

Think of the nicest thing anyone Has ever told me?

That you are cute I loved the way you walk, when I was Younger my baby father use to call Me buttons.

My other friend would tell me I’m Beautiful just being me, he would Call me Lil Bit because I was Always small until I came to Serendipity.

I blew up.

I look like a butterball, stuff with dressing Come on baby I’ll treat you like my Blessing Mamie I love you.

My daughter would tell me so You dress nice when you want to So keep up the good work Now that you're here Mamie In Serendipity please don’t do something Stupid to jeopardize your sobriety I’m proud of you Ma when are you going to straighten up, Because I want my Mamie back

44

The Old Guy M S . C HAND LER

This old man reminds me of my uncle, Joe Robert Lee, Bastard Bee, Sone Wall Joe Jackson General Lee Scott.

He was always crazy as a fox, but no one ever knew he was smart as a whip yeah he would always take a little dip what is he holding a phone from the Royaling twenty, what was he listening to Billie Holiday or BB King he has a picking chicken on his head a trophy in his hand he was riding on the 2 train, the last stop of the night, I hope he comes home Which would be right he had cartoons above his head was it Goofy, Popeye, or Mighty Mouse I don’t know but what the hell oh my God, what the hell but where is he going only the chicken on his hat could tell.

45

Truth and Lies M S . C HAND LER

This is the story of truth & lies Bubba was a truthful guy everything he did Was always honest & truthful even though he was beautiful He would always brag about his beautiful House & cars One day we followed him home, he lived in a Shack, no one were allowed to go in the back Because there was nothing but dogs & cats In a cage & some in racks, he tried to hide his Lies, by telling us this was not his shack But you could tell it was a wreck His mother came home she was surprised Baby I told you not to bring anyone home to The shack, Ma I didn’t bring them here Bubba let me tell you never bring anyone To the shack I’ll be back Tell your friends Never come back To my beautiful shack.

If they do I’ll put them in the back of the shack You didn’t Have to lie Bubba because all that do is make me turn you into Bubbagum And put you on the pack

46

47

48

Untitled E MMA NUE LA M IR ACL E

This was me in the past walking Or sitting in a room with a Newport box 100 when my partner told me to stop I said no but know I can’t stand the Smell of this shit my lungs are so Bad that when I see it makes me sick to my belly why did I do this so much I wish I never touch it now I wear a patch I feel a little better but I know why I am being irritated by what I see

49

Truth and Lies E M M A NUE LA M IR ACL E

The truth is that when I wake up I Think of others and the one that left I still feel bad that they are gone But they all made me laugh and made Me cry I wish them the best

50

Unti t le d no. 2 E MMA NUE LA M IR ACL E

I heard what the young lady Was saying and it sound good But I think she should find a New ways to show her feelings And not sound so mad.

It is ok to show someone a New way to let people know That they are mad the end.

By Em.

51

52

Untitled K LAS S IC T

I started out playing ball on the monkey bars in my neighborhood and then it all changed when I moved to Harlem when I was thirteen I tried out for my junior high school all boys basketball team and made it My coach was so impressed he sent me to Millbank to try out for their AAU women’s basketball team.

There I met Coach Guy who noticed I could jump like the best of them Coach Guy told me I had potential to do great things All I had to do was work hard on my game He had me jump and touch the wall as high as I could Which always left me tired but I would pick up at least 7 rebounds a game He’s with god now and I will always remember him telling me that I would be One of the greats which is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life

53

Unti t le d no. 2 K LAS S IC T

Bombs going off and innocent lives taken has given me the blues Only the tickle of these ivory keys can soothe War is so traumatizing it has me rationalizing the effects it takes on me I’ve got the no more war blues wishing for peace so no one else has to walk in my shoes I’ve got the no more war blues No more innocent children’s blood being spilled on the frontline Why is their life not as important as my own children I’ve got that no more war blues I’ve got that no more war blues

54

Unti t le d no. 3 K LAS S IC T

You’ve been through so much Your time has finally come and you now know your purpose No more days of feeling worthless No more being a victim to your own insecurities that little girl inside of you has emerged and is ready to take on the world without fear there are some off days but after all you’re only human you’ve taken your lemons and turned them into lemonade for that you deserve all the praise it’s like Miley Cyrus sang it’s not when you get there it’s the climb the road seemed impossible and at times you wanted to give up but you remained strong knowing a higher power helped you along your voice holds power and your will is strong all I can tell you is keep moving forward and let no road block big or small take you to that place to my future self I say stand tall and stand proud always remember I love you

55

Unti t le d no. 4 K LAS S IC T

Addiction makes me want to crack that dutch and roll that loud pack!

Yes I pay my rent and the rest of my funds goes to those white lines as I chase that drip Sure I’ve been clean I have no urges leaving me to question do I know this person I see in the mirror Emotions on high yet I don’t want to get high My addiction sending my brain the message That it’s time to go on another run But I guess I’m stronger than I imagined Addiction keeps trying to push me out the door But a stronger force is keeping me grounded Damn why can’t I just numb the pain Maybe it’s because god wanted it this way!

56

Unti t le d no. 5 K LAS S IC T

I need to get out of my head Running these mental laps are causing e pain Leaving me drenched in cold sweat Feeling as if I have no strength left However running is all I’ve ever known Therefore I am immune to it My mouth is dry and no liquid seems To quench my thirst to exist So I complain while becoming enraged Due to my own bullshit Hurting so many in the process And all I can do is shrug my shoulders Hiding until the storm is over All because I want to hurt those who Hurt me Knowing that two wrongs don’t make a Right Then I wonder why I can’t sleep at Night Damn this is going to be a long fight But I will not run and hide No not this time Because I know by the grace of god I Will stand victorious And mend all the pieces that have been Undone

57

Unti t le d no. 6 K LAS S IC T

One day at a time is all it takes I know there is sunshine after the Rain.

However my life is full of thunderstorms I’ve made many mistakes that still Haunt me till this day.

I’m so afraid of what my future will Bring Will it be full of joy or despair. Will my Mother always be here Can my relationship with my daughter Begin on a healthy note Will I be my sister’s keeper or will they Push me away At the end of this road will I have a Successful career A home to call my own with no fears Or worries Is it bad that I’m so afraid and is It hindering my healing process When will these questions be answered One day at a time will tell and when it Does I hope all is well

58

Unti t le d no. 7 K LAS S IC T

Who can I run to, when I’m down Who can I run to when my heart Is heavy Who can I run to when I feel Like crying Who can I run to? When I feel like Dying Who can I run to? When I want To give up Who can I run to? When I feel Worthless Who can I run to? When I need Love and affection Can someone, anyone tell Me who can I run to When I’m in bondage and the Burdens become too much to bare And those who love me just watch And stare Who can I run to? When I’m scared To be me Please tell me who can I run to When I’m deep in my fears And there is no one there Who can I run to?!!!

59

60

She Pulled it A pa r t B ONNIE B A ILE Y

Sarah was bored one Saturday morning and decided to clean out the attic. Tossing boxes side to side, cleaning old steamer trunks, a treasure to find. She came across an old scrap book, with its photos becoming dislodged. Old ink stains on once white pages, she began to pull them apart.

Piece by piece she pulled them out and lined them up on the floor. Old photos of a bygone era, opening a new door. A door to the past, when elegance stood out as a quality to be admired. When ladies and gentlemen proudly strode in finely dressed attire. When soldiers waved flags into battle with cannon fire in the distance. When men and women with heartfelt pride fought against resistance.

She pulled it apart, piece by piece with merry measure. She sat back in awe of her new found treasure.

61

F r i e n d o f B i l l W. B O NNIE B A ILE Y

Enter the rooms Coffee brewing Cookies stale from the day before Gideon Bibles, free for the taking Another drunk walks through the door.

Air stagnant Cold, steel chairs 12-Step Programme a Place Where People Care to drink, or not to drink that’s a damn good question get yourself a sponsor 24/7 still got the shakes still got the craving these people are OK but God does the saving sharing tales of want and woe we gather in a circle talking about the good ole days when we were never sober.

62

Mad House B ONNIE B A ILE Y

Stark, raving mad am I Locked up in this place Straight jackets and padded walls Staring at a different face The drugs they feed me everyday As I wallow in a drug-induced sleep Oh, these games the doctors play The flexible hours they keep The food they feed us is hardly edible Green bologna and rotten eggs The fact I’m here is very regrettable The snakes I see are sprouting legs I begin to shake and sweat uncontrollably What I see cannot be real This insanity is getting to me The madness I see, I now feel Gideon Bibles in the lobby Candied mints in the bowl Staring into space is our hobby All these meds are taking their toll Banging our heads against the wall This is the cuckoo’s nest Welcome to the madhouse, my friend Here, they won’t let you rest

63

News from Beyond B O NNIE B A ILE Y

More news from beyond the grave The dead are more lucky than you know The living are not worth the save What you reap, so shall you sow Dirt piles rising higher toward the sky Ace of spades is drawn In a deep, dark grave, you now shall lie In this game of chess, you are the pawn Your soul wanders aimlessly Through yards fenced with wrought iron gates The dead are alive with rich, attainments While the living sit and ponder their fates.

64

D ay s at t h e Doctor’s Office B ONNIE B A ILE Y

Magazines, strewn about the tables As I sit here semi-patiently I’ve read every single issue Doctors walk round brazenly White coats with colorful ties Slacks, pressed and cleaned Chicken scratch handwriting More discernable than it seemed Clipboards and pens at the ready Now waiting to be seen Nurses walk to the bathroom Making sure their hands are clean Medical pamphlets, free for the taking Television turned to ‘CNN’ Unpronounceable names over the P.A. Less women than there are men Finally, they call my name Hours I’ve been waiting All that time that I’d been sitting My meds were never forthcoming.

65

Turtle B O NNIE B A ILE Y

The turtle He slowly makes his way Through wet fields Of sand and clay Hides his head Within a shell Shell of armour It’s just as well Seen it all One hundred years This turtle has been around Yet shed no tears He won no races Didn’t even try Now it’s just as well He lays down and dies.

66

67

68

W h at i s L o v e ?

L IN DA D ON NA P H ILE MON D

Love is a battlefield from what they say, What is love? Is it the crave of chocolate that tingles your taste buds or a locked up room where you’re screaming from the top of your lungs, like agony seeming as if love is despair.

I hate to think that I am in a video game chasing a thirst as I bound myself to cry for the one I’m fighting for. Is it you that God has placed deep inside my heart? Or is it just your fast thrust that makes me palpitate round for round, after and after. I feel superhuman when I’m with you like a lonely desert who is blessed with cactus although the storm never hits you. Love is beautiful and forever like roses in a spring garden. I am forever with you.

69

Untitled L IN DA D O N NA P H ILE M O N D

Will I ever win when it comes to this war, I’m faced with trials and tribulations that’s pulling me in a storm.

I’ve planned my life like a sewing pattern, fighting what holds me back, but still I don’t know.

My mother begs and cries hoping her youngest child can get out of the devil’s games, while I’m bracing in this program maybe I can stay.

My wishes of love and family twists and turns me into a rapture.

Will I ever win? That’s the question for the next chapter.

70

Unti t le d no. 2 L IN DA D ON NA P H ILE MON D

I’ve sold myself to a party, I’m the winning girl in the crowd. They say I’m the prettiest and I’m also loud. I take a hit of coke, hunger for more. This drug is better than my coffee fix I had earlier today. It’s making me lose track of time and the next minute another guy lays. Turn the music up, lift your mini skirt this is better than hourly pay. I wake up the next morning, $400 dollars in my purse. My soul so empty from doing porn, something I hope my family doesn’t know. I think I’m refreshed, gathering another hit.

71

She-Devil L IN DA D O N NA P H ILE M O N D

She’s the she-devil who calls all the shots and tells it like it is.

Stop hiding or hanging by a string, Show me the money, that’s the phrase I want to hear Who cares what people say, flaunt your stuff, step by step your confidence will rain.

Remember when you were that little girl Shut-in in everyone’s opinions I knew you weren’t a scared girl, get up and say what you’re feeling You backbone crushed in from all the hurt The next person who shuts you down Better wish on a better luck.

Lies spill from your teeth to obey every approval Like wind, every second comes in another scared thought Are you trapped in your mind like disease to The brain like damage I hope and afraid not.

72

In a Lover’s Eye L IN DA D ON NA P H ILE MON D

I long for a sexy woman who looks good with her clothes off. I dress in tight jeans and a skirt but trapped in a lie, scared of the truth. Running from something and just don’t know why, Sweet fantasies of women whose bodies I lay with, beautiful silhouettes I see when I close my eyes. Long kisses when our tongues play and they say a devil is a lie. Your secret is safe with me but please you don’t have to worry. Two lesbians in the night is just a fling that’s what they tell me. When you look in my eyes and worry if I’m being myself or just another groupie, I’d rather dress in a tux and call you on your bullshit. Men make me feel like I’m only needed for their 30 minute tryst. Who knows what God makes in this world but I know I’m no mistake.

73

Lost Love L IN DA D O N NA P H ILE M O N D

The way you make me feel, feel as if a seesaw, going up and down.

Contemplating if I want you around Your physical attraction holds no longer Any substance because your IQ seems out the door When you tell me you love me it feels as If it is an excuse Trying to come cross a guy that’s Smart and not even you, who you?

Not really, I thought I’ll be in love With you.

Like two former lovers who hope both Love for each other is forgotten I thought about marrying you but like Being gluten, you’re toxic No longer will I ignore the red flags of Your mistakes I’m thinking of a new lover for me to replace.

74

75

76

Asking Q UA NDA W OO DY

Question all things Understanding it brings Anniversary rings Needing to sing Dancing with wings Accepting the change

77

Let It Burn Q UA NDA W O O DY

Well I had a wonderful New Years party In with the New out with the Old At least this is what I’ve been told 2017, I wonder what this New Year will bring?

As for me I’m looking to see how big of a fire I can make I am burning what is fake My addiction to cocaine and alcohol will make a very big fire wall A bright flame Now burn shame and blame The fire is burning good and steady You better believe I'm ready To burn all this shit it’s nothing I'm gonna miss Now my fire is dying I am the Phoenix rising higher

78

B e a u t y Pa g e a n t Q UA NDA W OO DY

The silliest thing I could ever participate in would be a Beauty Pageant with the hair perfect teeth perfect height perfect body Weight. I am saying all fluff no substance just another contest for women to suffer through and men to enjoy. I thought the world had evolved, well I was wrong on both because here I am in a damn Beauty Pageant, not just any pageant but the Miss Universe Pageant. I must got drunk and thought I was doing a survey on beauty and hair anyway.

Now I am in the Pageant, it is almost over I am asked what can I do to make the world better and I say the question on all forms that ask what’s your race: Black Latino, Caucasian, Asian-should be remove when ask what’s your race.

We all should write human that is really the first step to conquer Racism. Thank you.

79

Candy Store Q UA NDA W O O DY

I believe one of the greatest things ever invented is the candy store. Not the fancy ones that just sell chocolate, but the real candy store that have glass see-through big jars which contains every type of candy you can imagine and the floors are just made of hardwood. There are shelves upon shelves of sweet sugary treats that fascinate your taste bud. I mean cherry balls, tootsie rolls, joy stick, jelly beans, barrows, peppermint, long boys, balls, mary janes, logs, sesame sticks, lipsticks, and of course gold rush gum. One of my favorite candies was the bonbon candy which was coconut covered in different color sugary coats, which my granddaddy bought for himself and I on Saturdays. I was allowed to pick up about 50¢ worth of candy for my sisters and I, and oh boy did I get a big bag of candy. Back then you could get 2 candies for a penny, my how time has changed, you can’t get anything for a penny. I miss that old candy store and Mr. Ellis, the owner. It was a trust thing: you pick your candy and put it in the bag and drop your change in the old cigar box on the counter. Yeah, sometimes I took more than 50¢ worth but Mr. Ellis never complained. I wish I could go back in time to that candy store with the same trust. I truly miss my childhood.

80

81

82

Acknowledgements We share our belief that the world is a better place when everyone’s voice is listened to and respected.

Many thanks go to our foundation, government, and corporate supporters, without whom this writing community and publication would not exist: Allianz GI, Amazon Literary Partnership, Cowan Slavin Foundation, Emmanuel Baptist Church Benevolence Fund, Kalliopeia Foundation, Meringoff Family Foundation, The National Endowment for the Arts, The New York City Department of Cultural Affairs. NYWC programming is also made possible by the New York State Council on the Arts with the support of Governor Andrew Cuomo and the New York State Legislature.

We rely heavily on the support of individual NYWC members and attendees of our annual Write-A-Thon. In addition, members of our Board of Directors have kept this vital, rewarding work going year after year: Timothy Ballenger, Tamiko Beyer, Louise Crawford, Atiba Edwards, Marian Fontana, Ben Groom, Susan Karwoska, Sophie McManus, Alexis Nixon and NYWC Founder and Executive Director Aaron Zimmerman.

A special acknowledgment to Ms. Alexander the Director of Serendipity II, Ms. Nan who always make space for our group, Program Supervisor Daisy Flores who generously helped with edits and layouts, of course Kimberly Bliss our workshop leader who gives the best prompts to write to, the staff that supports us, and lastly to everyone who purchases a book. Thank you for your support and we will keep writing, you keep reading.

To find out more how you can sponsor a NYWC Publication or Program, please contact info@nywriterscoalition.org or (718) 398-2883.

83

84

NY Writers Coalition Inc. (NYWC) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that creates opportunities for formerly voiceless members of society to be heard through the art of writing.

One of the largest community-based writing organizations in the country, we provide free, unique, and powerful creative writing workshops throughout New York City for people from groups that have been historically deprived of voice in our society, including at-risk, disconnected, and LGBT youth, homeless and formerly homeless people, those who are incarcerated and formerly incarcerated individuals, war veterans, people living with disabilities, cancer, and other major illnesses, immigrants, seniors, and many others.

For more information about NYWC programs and NY Writers Coalition Press publications visit W W W . N YW R IT E R S CO A L IT IO N . O R G

85

S U RV IVOR ’ S G A ME

FE AT U RIN G

WRITING

CRYSTAL GANTT D ANIELLE L EMIEUX M S. C HANDLER E MMANUELA M IRACLE KLASSIC T BONNIE BAILEY L INDA D ONNA P HILEMOND Q UANDA W OODY NY

FROM

W OMEN

W RITERS

AT

SERENDIPITY II

C OALITION P RESS IS S URVIVOR’ S G AME,

PROUD TO PRESENT

A COLLECTION OF WRITING BY MEMBERS

N Y W RITERS C OALITIONS WORKSHOP S ERENDIPITY I I , A RESIDENTIAL SUBSTANCE ABUSE TREATMENT CENTER. F OR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT N Y W C OF AT

CREATIVE

WRITING

PROGRAMS

AND

N Y W C P RESS PUBLICATIONS . VISIT WWW.NYWRITERSCOALITION.ORG

86 Suggested Donation

$7 US

[BARCODE]