Obrigado 37 Summer 2014

complimentary copy

issue 37 / summer 2014

my life, my coffee

DDB SA 40017/E

CONVERSE CHUCK TAYLOR ALL STAR RUBBER

Hop onboard for an issue of sunshine, happy tunes, deep-blue skies and puffy clouds.

04 my life 09 sole mates 16 technopocalypse now 21 are we there yet?

26 of morons and men 31 raising the bar on cocktails 34 top notes 36 38 vox pops 38 no cubicle for fat men Ladies and gentlemen, meet JONATHAN WHELAN, creative group manager at Hero and your captain on our flight of summer fancy. We’re not sure he can actually fly a plane but as our cover designer, he’s the only one with the directions.

Hi, my name is: Jonathan Whelan (@emdash_tweets) By day I …Try and save the world from Comic Sans with clever ideas and pretty pictures. By night I … Do the same, but I wear spandex, a terrifying face mask and speak about myself in the third person. Tell us a bit about the cover: It’s a Lego-and-Mayan inspired dreamworld that has risen up from the mundane baseplate of everyday life to form a surreal floating island of summertime fun and wonderment. If you had a million blocks of Lego, what would you do with them? Try to build myself a man-cave. What are the building blocks of good design? Consistency, practice, tenacity, love.

If your company had a superpower, it would be …The ability to bend time and space. What’s your agency’s superhero slogan? Yes, we can!

(Obama borrowed it to win an election.) Would you accept the gift of being able to read a client’s mind if it meant that you could never turn it off? That explains the voices in my head. To read the mind of the client’s customer would be more beneficial, but not if it were 24/7.

Your favourite quote about heroism is? ‘Knowledge speaks and wisdom listens.’ Real heroes don’t waste time talking about a problem; they listen out for a ‘HELP!’ and get stuck in. Would you rather be able to play the guitar like a rock star or have anyone in the world willing to take your phone call? Play like a rock star. Who would be mad enough to refuse a phone call from a guy like Bono? My top skill outside of the workplace is … Keeping my seven-year-old daughter, Emily, entertained.

A good hero needs a villain. Who’s yours? Harvey Hubbell. Inventor of the two-pronged plug.

editor delené van der lugt: dvdlugt@tppsa.co.za | designer ryan manning | copy editor wendy maritz content director susan newham-blake | publisher lori cohen | advertising grant van willingh: gwillingh@tppsa.co.za or +27 (0)21 488 5959 ad sales coordinator blossom ngesi | vida e caffè grant, lloyd, papa, paul and andrea www.vidaecaffe.com Find us online:

www.facebook.com/obrigadomag

@ObrigadoMag

Find vida online:

www.facebook.com/vida

The Publishing Partnership (Pty) Ltd. Executive Directors: Mark Beare and John Morkel. address: PO Box 15054, Vlaeberg 8018, +27 (0)21 424 3517, www.tppsa.co.za.

Copyright: The Publishing Partnership (Pty) Ltd 2014. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or part is prohibited without prior permission of the editor. The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of vida e caffè, the editorial director, the publisher or the agents. Although every reasonable effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of its contents, the information published is for information purposes only and cannot be relied on as the opinion of an expert. vida e caffè, the publisher or the editor cannot be held responsible for any omission or errors or any misfortune, injury or damages that may arise therefrom.

@vidaecaffe

instagram.com/vidaecaffe_official

WANT TO GO SURFING, CHINA? ‘The wave-riding buzz is so obsessive, and living at nature’s beck and call is so demanding that it often consumes entire lives. Travel is what rounds surfers out. Travel is what feeds the surfer mind,’ said Jamie Brisick, author of Have Board, Will Travel: The Definitive History of Surf, Skate, and Snow. With that in mind we caught up with professional surfer Michael February, who just got back from Peru and is about to jet off to ‘The Hawaii of the East’, Hainan, China for the Riyue Bay International Surfing Festival.

A MUSEUM FOR LIKE REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF An old piece of gum isn’t much more than a bacterial magnet, unless Nina Simone chewed it before launching into an unforgettable show. Then it becomes the priceless keepsakes photographed for Nick Cave’s ‘The Museum of Important Shit’. It’s an online space where people share meaningful things and the stories behind them – starting with that gum, which was nabbed by a Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds band member on the night more than a decade ago. ‘We all have our totems and touchstones that anchor us to our pasts,’ Cave believes. ‘Stupid shit in a way, but important shit.’ The indie rock icon and the creators of his half-fictional biopic 20,000 Days on Earth are curating the site and anyone can add that J.C. le Roux cork, celebrity sweatband or scribbled love poem on a Wimpy napkin they’ll never get rid of. As long as it’s important. Visit www.20000daysonearth.com/museum.

four

Ray-Ban have teamed up with vida e caffè and some of SA’s best local artists to produce the #lifeandsound CD. The limited-edition collection consists of seven exclusive tracks and will be sold for R50 at vida stores nationwide from mid December. All profits go to the Luxottica Group’s OneSight foundation, which works in rural communities to provide quality eye care through outreach, research and education programmes.

The #lifeandsound CD offers an eclectic mix of electronic dance music, classic and surf indie rock, synth pop and jazzy soul from the likes of Beatenberg, Cara Frew and Das Kapital. See www. onesight.org for more on the foundation and their work.

IMAGES: SUPPLIED (ALL VIDA IMAGES); SHUTTERSTOCK (GUM)

Hi, my name is Michael February, but you can call me MFeb. The longest I’ve ever waited for a wave was? The first and only time I surfed Dungeons (Hout Bay, Cape Town) – it was about two hours. Boardshorts or wetsuit? This might come as a shock to some people but definitely a wetsuit.

Wax on or wax off? Taking your wax off is pretty therapeutic. If the water is flat, you’ll find me?

Cruising with friends around Cape Town or drawing. What is your proudest achievement? I just got back from the ISA World Senior Games in Peru. I placed ninth and was pretty psyched. What music do you listen to before a competition? Been listening to a lot of Jimi Hendrix before heats lately. The last time you were super-stoked was? A few weeks back I caught a wave at Supers in J-Bay and a bunch of dolphins rode with me. That was pretty rad. When did you first realise you could surf for a living? I spent two months in Australia when I was 13. I surfed a few junior contests and just got a feel for the whole international scene. After a few years I was doing it full time. What are your best local and international destinations? Locally, Jeffreys Bay, for some of the best waves in the world.

Internationally, Hawaii. It’s beautiful – there are so many waves and you find the nicest people and food there. Basically everything relates to surfing. But travelling also means I get to enjoy coming home to the raddest city, Cape Town. Follow Michael on Twitter or Instagram: @_mfeb_

NEVER LEGO OF A GOOD THING!

While most of you probably packed away your beloved bricks along with your childhood, for some folk, LEGO® is more than just a toy – it’s a way of life. Here are some ways to indulge your inner AFOL (adult fan of LEGO®).

vida has partnered with the Good Work Foundation (GWF) to bring you the ‘Shot of Life’ campaign. By adding R5 to your purchase, you can help bring technology and digital learning to rural schools in parts of South Africa.

All money raised will fund the GWF’s Open Learning Academies, which allow rural schools to outsource their digital learning to a centralised high-tech hub. Five schools and up to 6 000 children can plug into these hubs at any time to improve their English, maths or digital literacy. Grade 4 students at the Open Learning Academy have shown a 35% improvement in English, just through the use of the latest English apps and programmes, such as ‘Spell Bee’ and ‘Letter Attack’. Purchase your ‘Shot of Life’ at any vida e caffè until 22 March 2015.

DRONE ON! All pleased with yourself now that you’ve finally mastered Instagram? Well, get over it – unless Santa’s promised to stuff a drone in your stocking. Until then, you can keep up with the... erm Droneses at www.dronestagr.am, where flying-robot owners get to share their best aerial pictures. The aim of the site is to build a bird’s-eye view world map of Earth. six

IMAGES: MIAM MIAM CREATIVE LAB (THE ART OF THE BRICK); EVILMADSCIENTIST.COM (UTENSIL HOLDER)

CHANGE A LIFE BY ADDING A SHOT OF LIFE

Do: Visit the world-renowned LEGO® art exhibit, ‘The Art of The Brick’, which will feature art sculptures created from more than a million LEGO® bricks by US artist, Nathan Sawaya.

The show will run from 12 December to 28 February 2015 in Cape Town, then moves to Johannesburg from 13 May to 12 August. For ticket prices and venues, go to www.theartofthebricksa.co.za.

Read: LEGO® master Mike Doyle’s new book, Beautiful LEGO® 2: Dark. It will appeal to those who like their brick art a bit shadowy, macabre or with a touch of black comedy.

Make: If you’re an overachiever with a ton of bricks like Arthur Sacek, you could build a fully functional 3D printer and call it the LEGO® 3D Milling Machine. We suggest starting small, with a handy kitchen utensil holder, inspired by the Duomo di Siena and created by Lenore Edman.

workbench1.com 179/2

Take inspiration from iconic romcoms and step into a summer of love.

Photos: Kristina Stojiljkovic Stylist: Ingrid Corbett

THE CULT FAVOURITE

‘(500) Days Of Summer’ When Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) met Summer (Zooey Deschanel) If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can’t ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that’s all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence...

Silver slide, R549, Green Cross; DC Tonik LX sneakers, R1 499, Sportscene nine

THE ONE THAT MADE OUR HEARTS GO ON

‘Titanic’ When Rose (Kate Winslet) met Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and you’re gonna make lots of babies, and you’re gonna watch them grow. You’re gonna die an old... an old lady, warm in her bed, not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?

Ladies’ heel, R794, and Men’s formal lace-up, R1 195, Tosoni at Spitz ten

THE ONE FOR ANYONE WHO HAS EVER HELD A SUMMER JOB

‘Adventureland’ When James (Jesse Eisenberg) met Em (Kristen Stewart) My theory is you can’t just avoid everybody you screw up with. You can trust me on that because I’m a New Yorker.

Onitsuka Tiger Mexico 66, R739, Jordan Footwear; Blue sneaker, R599, Le Coq Sportif twelve

117°17’35”W

T H E

D I P L O M A T

33°2’35”N

stockist enquiries: 021-4180045 - nixon.com

THE ONE ABOUT SURFING

‘Blue Crush’ When Anne Marie (Kate Bosworth) met Matt (Matthew Davis) And when I tell you to go, you gotta go. You gotta paddle your little heart out.

You can’t hesitate, you can’t pull back, you can’t hold back.

No fear. Alright?

Rain Dancer slops, R149,95, Roxy; Icongraphy slops, R119,95, Quiksilver STOCKISTS: DC Shoes: 031 313 1400; Green Cross: 021 507 9700; Jordan Footwear: 021 590 7000; Le Coq Sportif: 012 345 4527; Quiksilver: 031 313 1422; Roxy: 031 313 1422; Spitz: 086 010 9321 fourteen

ne night in 1938, millions of Americans heard on the radio that aliens had landed in New Jersey and were shooting everything in sight.

All-round panic ensued.

They were listening to a play based on the H.G. Wells novel The War of the Worlds, but it started off with a mock news broadcast that was so convincing, it seemed real.

The anecdote has been largely disproven – experts say hardly anyone was fooled and the media blew up the ‘hysteria’. But fear of technology has been with us for centuries. Many sci-fi classics play on this fear – it’s no coincidence that aliens are always more advanced, have far better tech and are hellbent on wiping out humanity.

id that s to be afra m e e s n o ti ra oy society Every gene on will destr ti n e v in w e chnology some n o we fear te d y h W t. e to? or the plan ave reason h e w o d d ates.

– an ugt investig L r e d n a v Pieter eighteen

The Luddites of 19th-century England destroyed new textile machines that were replacing artisans. Dictionaries now define Luddites as ‘any opponent of industrial change or innovation’. But they weren’t the ancestors of technophobes – they just wanted more bargaining power for workers left on the dole.

Two centuries later, a survey among students of a US campus shows a positive response to tech improving their lives, but also concern that jobs would become scarce because of it.

The fear is still there, for whatever reasons.

With almost every game-changing invention, someone predicts the end of civilisation as we know it.

Composer John Philip Sousa testified before the US Congress in 1906 about the dangers of the phonograph, describing ‘the mechanical reproduction of music’ as an ‘ominous threat’.

Decades later a movie lobbyist testified rather tackily that video recorders were as big a danger to the industry and public as the Boston Strangler was to women.

Back when cellphones were called bricks, some thought they could down aeroplanes and make petrol stations explode. But cellphones were banned on planes due to their possible interference with networks on the ground below, not because the static produced might cause anything to go boom, as some ’80s oil companies thought they might.

At a time when we were scared of the online cookie monster, the Y2K bug nearly caused a riot. Worldwide blackouts and nuclear missiles self-launching were some of the disasters people expected because of the practice of abbreviating four-digit years to two digits. Then 2000 dawned without incident and experts who had ‘future-proofed’ computers whistled all the way to the bank.

New tech brings new fears, even if some sound fantastical, such as the notion of automonous robots plotting against us. But

rs, a e f w e n s g in New tech br sound fantastical, us o even if some n o m o t u a f no io t o n e h t s a s. u t such s in a g a g robots plottin then the likes of Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla Motors and SpaceX, says in a speech: ‘With artificial intelligence we are summoning the demon.’ None less than Stephen Hawking shares his concerns – up to a point.

Laser guns make you think of intergalactic wars, but America will launch its first ship armed with laser weapons next year. Drones are valuable in disaster management and ideal for exploration, as Eric Cheng, director of Aerial Imaging at DJI in San Francisco, proved with his popular shoot of sharks in Cape Town.

‘We are already seeing innovative uses of such aircraft in creative applications like aerial imaging and commercial applications such as aerial survey and search and rescue,’ he says.

‘Just as “automobile” represents a general class of useful terrestrial machines, I expect

“drone” will quickly become a generic term for autonomous, aerial vehicles.’ Then again, the latest models can be fitted with automatic guns and grenade launchers. What kind of remote-controlled terror would we see if they fell in the wrong hands?

At first 3-D printers seemed an innocent gadget. Then came plastic guns. The American ban on undetectable weapons is easily sidestepped by sticking on a sliver of metal.

Imagine people buying guns online and printing them out at home…

A favourite of thrillers is the ‘universal hack’ who can get into any computer network.

Cyber attacks are a real threat, though, as misguided social activists and plain old crooks look for ways to steal information, or sabotage systems. They are members of ‘dark networks’ that don’t just exist in movies.

A possibly more drastic danger is

seventeen

geoengineering. Some think it’s the way to fight environmental problems like global warming. Instead of cutting down on greenhouse gases, pump chemicals into the air to restore the balance in the atmosphere.

How about messing with the mind? Scientists have announced recently they’re almost ready to erase bad memories from the brain.

This ‘neurohacking’ can go much further and decoding brainwaves could lead to medical advances. But where innovation leads, commerce and the military will follow.

There is also research on ‘neuromarketing’ – manipulating what people think about their wants and needs. And you can be sure a secret unit somewhere studies ways to brainwash soldiers or enemy prisoners.

Mass data, the sea of information collected via Wi-Fi and internet use, contains ever more details about your life. You hand over some, but a lot is harvested and used – without your knowledge or consent – by governments as as well as businesses.

The digital age is probably more invasive than any other groundbreaking era. Along with the good it can do, it brings nightmarish possibilities for terror, crime and social engineering.

Will the children of the digital age be unafraid of technology, or is the fear a part of the human condition? ‘These digital natives have grown up knowing technology as the norm, so they don’t fear it in the same way older generations

eighteen

d e c n u o n n a e v Scientists ha ’re almost recently they e ready to eras s bad memorie in. from the bra UNFOUNDED FEARS BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED 1. Nomophobia

might,’ says Christopher Reid, copywriter and trend researcher at the International Trend Institute in Durban. ‘But no matter how much we embrace technology, we are still unsettled by the “uncanny valley” – where tech becomes too close to human for comfort. I’m tracking trends on robotics now and we see a tendency towards robots designed to be cartoonish for this exact reason. It’s easier for us to accept tech that is obviously tech. But while this generation can definitely accept more in terms of tech advancements, there will still be a point where they reject it. It’s hardwired into our brains to avoid things that are almost, but not quite, human.’

That’s one side of it. Another is that like all power, technological power tends to corrupt. Humanity has no greater enemies than its own greed and hubris. That may be the truly scary part.❂

Coined in 2010, this term refers to the fear caused by having no access to or being unable to use one’s cellphone. In both US and UK studies roughly two-thirds of participants admitted they suffer from it. Symptoms include panic, desperation and constantly checking phones for notifications. Consider this: at some stage even the inventors of cellphones didn’t have cellphones – and look what they achieved.

2. Fingerprint ID No, it’s not possible for someone to cut off your finger and use your print to unlock your smartphone. The phones have built-in sensors that will only register a living digit.

3. Free time In the early days people worried that computers would help us finish our work so fast that we’d have too much free time. The opposite happened: now we’re expected to do more in the same time and thanks to mobile devices some of us hardly ever stop working.

C

M

Y

CM

MY

CY

MY

K

Samsung’s new Curved UHD TV delivers a bold and theatrical viewing experience that changes expectations of what shape a TV should be. The curvature of the screen gives videos immediacy not experienced with flat screens and offers an overall panoramic effect that makes the display seem bigger than it is.

Each progression in the television screen provides a more immersive experience with images becoming increasingly life-like.

FULL

HD USB x3

X4

2 YEAR WARRANTY

55” CURVED TV 55H6800

• (1046320) • WAS R18999.90

SAVE 1000 90

R17999

Ever wished you could holiday somewhere completely different? We do.

So we asked four illustrators to come up with cool retro travel posters for places that we really think you should go to… if only they existed.

Located on the east coast of the Crownlands, overlooking Blackwater Bay, the capital is one of the world’s oldest continuously inhabited cities.

It will make you forget everything you’ve heard about Westeros. ★ When to go: The city is currently enjoying an 8 000-year-long summer, so April to June for more comfortable temperatures. Ignore locals muttering about winter coming. ★ Getting around: Take a brisk month-long jog from Winterfell, and then bike or walk within the narrow city streets. ★ Where to stay: Head to Flea Bottom for budgetfriendly options like Eel Alley Inn or try The Broken Anvil, which is a stone’s throw away from the Gate of the Gods. ★ What to do: Don’t miss the Ancient Dragons’ Skulls Exhibition at the Red Keep. Shop for souvenir Iron Thrones on Armoury Row, and lemon cakes at the Flour Bazaar. ★ Cultural tip: There are no ATMs but if you do run out of cash, try to find a Lannister to borrow from; they always pay their debts, perhaps they’ll pay yours?

Lynton Levengood is a concept artist and illustrator.

He has a special love of dragons. See more of his work at www.themoderndragon.com.

twenty-one

After years of poor reviews by Tolkien Trips, Mordor has always struggled on the tourism front.

However, it’s becoming an increasingly popular destination for adventure travellers and vintagejewellery collectors. ★ When to go: A sub-Middle-earth climate makes Mordor a year-round destination. Typically hot and riddled with fire and ash, January to March are the best months for sightseeing. ★ Getting around: To quote a famous Captain of the White Tower, ‘One does not simply walk into Mordor,’ so it’s best to pay extra for a private Nazgûl shuttle.

Travelling with an experienced guide is recommended. ★ Where to stay: Escape the noise at The Hotel Barad-dûr. Rates include a slap-up braai on the edge of Mount Doom. A few hours basking at the Cracks of Doom will give you the right level of volcanic tan to pass as a local; just remember to stay hydrated. ★ What to buy: Shop for fair-trade art produced by the freed slaves of Núrn, or pick up hand-carved gold rings for next to nothing. ★ Cultural tip: Learn about the ongoing post-Sauron rebuilding efforts at Shelob’s Lair. The three-hour tour helps support The Men of Gondor’s revitalization efforts, but whatever you do, don’t mention the war.

Moray Rhoda is a designer and illustrator. His love of illustration and storytelling started when he was exposed to comics and TV cartoons at a young age.

twenty-two

Set off on a once-in-a-lifetime journey to the Scottish Highlands with its windswept hills, acromantula-filled forests, and majestic view of Hogwarts Castle. ★ When to go: Visit in November to December, when Hogwarts students are long gone and the Gurdyroot harvest is in full swing. ★ Getting around: Although the village is serviced by the Hogwarts Express, finding Platform Nine-AndThree-Quarters can be a bit tricky. ★ Where to stay: For the best of authentic Hogsmeade, try and stay at least one night at Shrieking Shack, a working farmhouse traditionally run by werewolves and banshees. Book well in advance and prepare to pay higher prices for a room with a secret en suite tunnel. ★ Where to dine: Take your appetite and gold galleons (no credit cards accepted) to Noakenuts for a bunting-inspired menu. Follow dinner with a Firewhiskey at the Three Broomsticks. ★ What to buy: Don’t miss the Organic Farmers’ Market held every last Saturday of the month, and do stock up on free-range Chocolate Frogs at Honeydukes.

Nicolas Rix is an illustrator, visual-development and comic-book artist. He grew up drawing comic-book characters and playing plenty of video games.

See more of his work at www.nicolasrix.com or www.nicolasrix.tumblr.com. twenty-three

Birders are in for a treat in this unspoiled corner of Wonderland. The endless forest, a National Park since 1865, teems with Jubjub birds and Bandersnatches but it’s the people that make it a truly special place. ★ When to go: Spring is generally the best time to visit. Daily opening and closing times vary with the season, and sometimes park staff are... erm, late. ★ Getting around: Sail down the hole on a guided tour with experienced outfitters White Rabbit Tours. ★ Where to stay: The Queen of Heart’s Castle is a regal, 22-room boutique hotel set in manicured gardens. A complimentary continental breakfast (jam tarts, etc) is included. ★ Where to dine: Eating out is primarily an al fresco affair in the park – look out for the ‘Eat me’ or ‘Drink me’ signs. For more formal dining, do reserve a table at Mad Hatter’s. ★ Cultural tip: The local population is predominantly insane, so spontaneous unbirthday celebrations and random beheadings are to be tolerated.

Caroline Vos is an illustrator, artist and writer. For more of her work, go to www.carolinevos.com or follow her on Facebook www.facebook.com/ CarolineVosIllustration.❂

twenty-four

ack in 2000, young Antipodeans Tom Doig and Tama Pugsley discovered that there were two towns in Mongolia named ‘Moron’ (spelt Mörön or MØPØH). After that, a single question burned in their hearts and minds.

How could they not cycle from Mörön to Mörön? It had to be done, and they were the two morons for the job.

They finally set off 10 years later, completed their daft mission and wrote a book about it. We caught up with Tom Doig long after the dust had settled.

Tell us a bit about your journey?

In short, my best mate, Tama, and I cycled 1 487km across northern Mongolia from a small town called Mörön to a smaller town also called Mörön. To make sure it wasn’t too easy, our training before the ride consisted of raising our tolerance for consuming straight spirits and eating as much meat as possible. We bought a couple of steel-framed mountain bikes in Beijing the night before our train left for Ulaanbaatar, thinking it’d be ‘hilarious’ if they broke midway between Möröns. The ride itself took us 23 days, doing between 50kms and 110kms a day. Basically, we rode like beasts, sweated a lot, and slept in a too-small tent.

What the hell were you thinking and did you plan to write a book?

I always thought it would be a great idea, but that didn’t mean I had any intention of actually doing it. Luckily for me, Tama is practical, determined and quite well paid.

He did most of the organising, and lent me $1 000 so I could buy the mountain bike – I still haven’t paid him back.

The combination of the mystique of Mongolia – land of wide-open steppes, bloodthirsty medieval warriors, galloping stallions, all those delicious clichés – and

twenty-six

the fact that there were not one but two towns named Mörön were pretty potent fuel for our jaded first-world imaginations.

In order to keep our ill-informed and largely inaccurate dream of Mongolia alive, we did as little research as possible beforehand.

Meanwhile, we kept a blog during the trip, because that’s what ‘young’ people do these days, isn’t it? Of course, most of the 500-person villages we pedalled through didn’t have internet cafes, so the blog was composed in three or four massive outpourings when we made it to a city. On our ‘rest day’ in Erdenet, after riding for nine days straight, I bashed out something like 6 000 words in six hours. It was some of the most excited, breathless, Jack-Kerouacon-Benzedrine-molesting-a-typewriter diary writing I’ve ever done – because for once in my comfortable suburban life, I had something to write about!

So no, I wasn’t planning to write a book about it at the time.

How much of the trip was actually ‘all about the bike’, and will this become a must-ride route for mountain-bike enthusiasts after reading the book?

Before we left, Tama and I had joked about how ‘rugged’ and ‘brutal’ it was going to be, but I had no real idea what

OF AND I was getting myself into. Because of shonky planning, our first proper day of riding was 100km, including a 600m vertical climb just after breakfast – we ran out of water before we got to the top. By lunchtime, I was distressed and desperate and begged Tama to hitchhike to Lake Khövsgöl instead. But no, we stuck at it.

The ride took 13 and a half hours, I think.

We finished the day (at 11pm) in a state of adrenalized shock and disbelief. It was one of the greatest days of my life.

But there were also long periods, perfect minutes that stretched out for whole afternoons, where I’d find a rhythm, and just ride through wild-flower meadows – or fly down the gently sloping hills – and it was exquisite.

I definitely daydream about receiving an email from some young upstart telling me he or she has cycled our Mörön to Mörön route, and done the whole thing in like 15 days instead of 23. This would be crushing, but also extremely flattering. I’ve actually logged our trip manually into Strava, so if someone does the ride with a GPS with long-life batteries, we’ll know about it!

I hope that one day the Mörön to Mörön ride will become a pilgrimage akin to the Camino de Santiago trail in Spain and France – but with more horse milk.

Two guys, two bikes and one massive misadventure in Mongolia.

Photos: Tama Pugsley

What were you most looking forward to before the trip?

I think I was most looking forward to the experience of putting on my skeleton-print spandex unitard and competing in the bökh – Mongolian wrestling that’s a cross between sumo and prison sex. Bökh is the highlight of the Naadam Festival at Lake Khövsgöl. Unfortunately, we got to the festival late, and what happened instead was a bit … well, it’s on page 80.

What were you most looking forward to after the trip?

During the trip, Tama and I obsessed about getting back to Ulaanbaatar, smoking a joint out the hostel window and watching the last couple of episodes of The Wire.

Unfortunately, the wild weed I had picked in Selenge didn’t dry properly in the bottom of my pannier bag, and the final episode of The Wire wouldn’t play on the cheap Chinese DVD I’d bought! It was awful.

Have you advanced the art of misadventure travel writing?

I hope so! There is a proud, if shabby, tradition of misadventure travel writing, that includes Eric Newby in the Hindu Kush mountains, Hunter S. Thompson in Las Vegas, Spalding Gray on holiday in Thailand … some would say Odysseus was the first great misadventure traveller, and that misadventures are the only real adventures – all the rest is just theme-park stuff. It might sound a bit macho and stupid, but I do think you learn a lot by purposefully putting yourself in harm’s way and seeing how you cope with it.

twenty-seven

What strongly held belief did you have before that you do not have now?

Tell you what, before the trip I was 31 years old and still living pretty much the same lifestyle as when I was a 19-year-old student. I thought that was how I wanted to live for the rest of my life: camping in a house, a perpetual Bohemian scumbag artiste.

However, after a month of roughing it in a tent in Mongolia, I realised that Mörön to Mörön was just an intensification of my life back in Melbourne. And I had had enough! When I got back, I got a semi-respectable part-time job, moved in with my girlfriend, and paid money for furniture, instead of just scavenging it off the side of the road. In short, I sold out. Or grew up.

Also, I now firmly believe that endurance sports are awesome. I used to think marathon runners and triathletes were appalling, braindead corporate monsters in the throes of midlife crises. Now, I’m really into all of it.

Did you try to explain to the locals why you were doing this trip? And how would you rate the Mongolian sense of humour after the explanation?

We did sometimes try to explain what we were up to. Unfortunately, our Mongolian was very muu – I think that means ‘bad’? And our Lonely Planet phrase book was pretty crap.

‘Mörön’ means ‘river’ in Mongolian, which isn’t particularly funny – well, it depends on the river.

TOM’S TOP TRAVEL TIPS twenty-eight

The most common reaction to our explanation was an eye roll. This seemed like all we deserved. If we met a local on a horse or motorbike, they’d look at our bikes, look at their own horse/motorbike, look at our bikes again, and shake their head, and/or spit. Again, this seemed appropriate.

The worst thing I ate was some dried fermented mare’s milk, a curds-ish thing called aarts. It tasted like rancid yoghurt with needles in it, and it gave me the most epic case of projectile-vomit food poisoning I’ve ever had.

Tell us something interesting about Mongolian people?

One thing that blew us away was the thriving Mongolian hip-hop scene. We met a teenage boy on a bus from Ulaanbaatar to Mörön who had all sorts of awesome Mongolian hip-hop on his iPod. He played us some – the production was surprisingly professional, with proper scratching and sinister high-pitched loops in the Wu-Tang style. It was almost of a US hiphop standard, and not enjoyably laughable like, say, Filipino or Aussie hip-hop. I asked the teen who was the best rapper in Mongolia. ‘Opozit,’ he said incredulously, as if that was a very stupid question.

After the trip, do you think this kind of cycling adventure deserves to be rated alongside ‘The Three Manly Sports’?

Every year in Mongolia a festival called Naadam is held on independence day. The highlight is ‘The Three Manly Sports’ – archery, horse riding and bökh wrestling. The wrestling, like I said before, is a cross between sumo and prison sex. We were hoping to wrestle some official Mongolian champions at Naadam, but we got there a day too late to register.

But I don’t think that many Mongolians would think that cycling deserves to be a fourth ‘Manly Sport’. The Mongolian perspective is that cycling is an inferior and stupid form of horse riding. And they’re probably right.

What was the best and worst thing you ate and drank on the trip?

The best thing I drank, again and again, was the Chinggis Gold vodka – $4 for a 500ml bottle, and it was the purest of wheat vodkas, perfect for sipping. It really took the edge off after carrying your bike through a swamp or what have you.

How do you go about Third World travel writing in a sensitive way?

Ha, I’m probably not the right person to ask how to write in a ‘sensitive’ way! I’d say my sensibility is more harsh, hopefully self-aware, comedy. As a rich, white tourist travelling to a poor Third World country, I feel like it’s important not to lose sight of your own whiteness,

★ If you want to compete in the bökh wrestling at Naadam, make sure you arrive on the first day, when anyone can enter.

On the second day they’re already on to the quarterfinals, and you’ll be forced to wrestle some drunken overweight middle-aged peasants who will hang around outside your ger (tent) and disrespectfully fondle your genitalia.

★ If you like potato cakes, you’ll love Naadam. You can go mad for huushuur – deep-fried battered mutton – that are almost as good as they sound. If you don’t eat meat, please don’t bother going to Mongolia. ★ If you’re planning to spend 23 days in a very small tent with a mate, make sure it’s with a good mate. But not too good.

And before you go, check if

that mate snores... every night. ★ When mountain biking across northern Mongolia, a steel-frame bike rather than an aluminium frame is recommended. If your steel frame breaks, you can weld it back together (provided you can find a welder in the middle of the subantarctic coniferous taiga forest). If your aluminium frame breaks, you’re walking.

★ Don’t call Genghis Khan ‘Genghis Khan’. It’s ‘Ching-gis’, and he’s the greatest warrior who ever lived, so you may as well pronounce his name properly. ★ If a friendly nomad canters up to you on their horse and tries to make small talk but you’re not in the mood, just hand them the Lonely Planet Mongolian phrasebook. That thing shuts them up real good.

★

Mörön to Mörön ★

0 100 200 Kilometres

richness, and general privilege. If you’re going to tell the unvarnished truth (as you see it) about the locals you’re gawking at, you’ve got to make sure you’re even more brutally honest about your own failings.

As a tourist, I think that’s the best you can do.

The more principled, ethical option is to be a proper anthropologist, live in a country for years, learn the language, do your homework, etc. But that takes ages.

Where to next for you and Tama? You do know there’s a town named Morón in Cuba?

There is a Morón in Cuba! Worse, there’s a University of Morón in Buenos Aires, just 6 000 kilometres to the south! Part of me would love nothing more than to cycle from Morón, Cuba, to the beach, paddle a raft to Colombia, and mountain bike through the Andes and/or Amazon jungle until we reached Argentina. But I am very scared that we would be killed by gangsters, and that we would deserve it.

I am even more scared that if I did do a trip from a South American Morón to another South American Morón, I’d have to write a book about it … and Morón to Morón II just wouldn’t be as good as the first one. It would be contrived, disappointing, anti-climactic, self-parodying.

And I’ve got no idea how I could compete with the shower masturbation scene from the original book.❂ Tama Pugsley and Tom Doig conclude their 23-day journey from Mörön to Mörön.

Mörön to Mörön: Two men, two bikes, one Mongolian misadventure is available from Amazon and www.moron2moron.com.

twenty-nine

RAISING THE BAR ON

The art of cocktail-making has come a long way since teeny pickled onions and lurid paper umbrellas were the height of sophistication. Modern mixologists use plenty of 21st-century science to create the perfect signature drink. Zanele Kumalo finds out if all the effort is worth it.

‘D

ouble, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble.’ Powered by science, cocktails have become explosively delicious. Quite literally.

But instead of witches in dark caves boiling toads and bats, picture an attractive bartender doing the most magical things with drinks. Lined up next to glass bottles of crystal-clear to deep-amber liquids, and all the psychedelic colours in between, are a smoking gun, a sous-vide cooker, a rotary evaporator and hot infusion siphon. It’s half lab, half kitchen – the kind of space Ferran Adriá or Heston Blumenthal (the most famous of the molecular gastronomists around the world) work in. But this is a bar, and we’re sampling cocktails.

thirty-one

They are no longer fancy alcopops with pineapple-ring garnishes, but futuristic, culinary and oh, so hi-tech. There’s a new way of making drinks that’s called molecular mixology. It involves changing the natural state of a cocktail to give the taster a different sensory experience. Yep, didn’t you know that edible cocktails are one of the most exciting ways to imbibe? Now, I’m not talking about those frozen vodka jelly shots you used to slurp as a student when you liked nothing more than to booze it up. These are sophisticated pop-in-your-mouth carbonated mojito spheres, gin-fizz marshmallows and whiskey gums made with expensive machinery. They’re quite the taste adventure.

Warning: don’t order these if you’re thirsty or looking for something to nurse for the better part of an evening out.

If you prefer to sip on your drinks, thank you very much, there are plenty of other technotipples to choose from.

This is the part where it feels like you’re a grown up Charles in the Cocktail Factory. A gastro-magician pours you a margarita (tequila, triple sec, lime juice) served with a single bright-red berry called miracle fruit. Suddenly it tastes like you’re draining a tequila sunrise (tequila, orange juice and grenadine syrup). I’m not making this up. The berry fools your palate into thinking that whatever you’re swilling is sweet. When a protein called miraculin comes into contact with your taste buds, it reacts to acids by becoming a sweet inducer. Its flavour-changing effects last for up to a couple of hours but eaten on its own, miracle fruit tastes like a bland cranberry. If you’ve been looking for a party trick for the festive season, flavour-tripping is it.

You might want to have your tongue teased in a less mind-bending manner, though.

The bartender isn’t finished with blowing our minds just yet. That’s when the big gadgets get wheeled in. The hot infusion siphon is a brewing machine that heats watered-down spirits in one pot that vaporise a second pot of dry ingredients. The process infuses the alcohol mix with the flavour from whichever dry elements are chosen to create a delicious hot cocktail. Jasmine tea, lavender, ginger, lemongrass and lemon peel cocktail anyone?

Gluhwein, hot toddies and Irish coffees are no longer the only ‘cocktails’ that are served hot. The sous-vide cooker is a water bath that cooks ingredients in an airtight plastic bag under low temperatures infusing alcohol with rich flavours. If this seems unimpressive, try one with a detonated garnish: a drink is served with a mini-helium balloon tied to the stem of its glass along with matches. Light the string fuse to make the balloon explode and aromatic air distilled by a rotary evaporator is released. It’s the stuff of alchemists! Things get crazier when someone orders the Floating Gin and Tonic. The bartender uses powerful sound waves emitted from a Levitron, which suspends drops of highly concentrated alcohol that you can lick out of the air. According to Time, the machine costs R500 000 and takes two hours to set up.

We can’t imagine what the price tag on the cocktail is.

Now, it’s exactly what Amy Fleming notes in her piece for The Guardian on ‘The science of mixing mind-blowing cocktails’. She quotes David E Embury from his cocktail bible The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks, 1948, who said: ‘A proper cocktail should whet the appetite, stimulate the mind, please the palate and the eye, taste of booze without blowing your head off and be well iced.’ But she complains that ‘cocktails remain a fancy method of making hard liquor extremely palatable’ and that ‘the

‘Cocktails remain a fancy method of making hard liquor extremely palatable.’

thirty-two

Perhaps with a smoking gun? Imagine your rum and coke with an extra kick. The bartender takes a shot or two of bourbon, adds some Coke and covers the shaker with plastic, leaving an opening to infuse the mix with smoke. Voila! The Smoked Coke! Then he garnishes it with a strip of chorizo and caperberry. Tired of your ordinary margarita?

Ask for a version where the rim of the glass is dipped in smoked bacon salt. Savoury cocktails are all the rage, and bartenders are even using pig’s blood, nut fat-washes (fat-washing is a technique that infuses spirits with flavours from coconut, bacon, olive and other oils), squid ink and ethically sourced whale bile… The whale bile, or ambergris as it’s called in perfume circles, adds a distinct, briny flavour to a cocktail. It’s the nose-to-tail equivalent of dining.

lengths to which bars will go these days to tick Embury’s boxes and part customers from their hard-earned cash to offer the ultimate multisensory experience are flabbergasting’.

Recently, a well-known British chef is said to have told British food writer Fuchsia Dunlop that Ferran Adriá has effed it all up.

He blames it all on molecular gastronomy, which according to him, isn’t food, and has bred a certain type of chef who believes the technology has become more important than what is being eaten. Some might say that a similar backlash against molecular mixology has already started to spill through. Are these techno-tipples, as Fleming describes, simply an ‘expensive way to get drunk’? Give me a plain old gin and tonic (Jorgensens please) with just the right amount of ice and a little lime any time. Served in a balloon glass, Spanish style. Hold the sonic waves.❂

WE ASK SOME OF THE BEST BARTENDERS AROUND THE COUNTRY ABOUT THE ART OF BLOWING PEOPLE’S SOCKS OFF ASSAF YECHIEL, CAPE TOWN ★ Aside from Jorgensens and Inverroche gins, any exciting new South African spirits?

Caperitif (a fortified wine flavoured with dry ingredients like African wormwood, calamus, fynbos, peaches and apricots), and Wilderer Distillery is making incredible spirits. ★ Shaken or stirred? It depends on your ingredients. Smooth liquids like juices should be stirred, and fresh produce should be shaken. It depends on the texture you want from the drink as well: stirring gives you a smooth drink; shaking, an aerated one.

BRENT PERREMORE, CAPE TOWN ★ I got into bartending because I thought it looked cool and ended up being really good at it. I guess that makes me cool, right? The best bit is being encouraged to be super creative and meeting new and interesting people regularly. ★ I once served a drink to… Sir Ian McKellen, Boy George, Heidi Klum, Seal and Jeff Bridges.

McKellan and Jeff Bridges were awesome; the rest were polite, but Boy George was rude and under-tipped.

HAROON HAFFAJEE, DURBAN ★ Your most memorable cocktail moment? I call it the ‘Three Course Martini’. It was my firstround entry into the World Class Cocktail Competition in 2012. The first course was homemade coriander seed and juniper berry wholewheat bread served warm. The second course was 50ml Tanqueray No. Ten stirred and fine strained into chilled martini glass that has been atomised with Carpano Antica Formula sweet vermouth and garnished with orange zest. The third course was grapefruit foam, served with a large grapefruit-peel spoon to eat it with.

IMAGES: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM/SUPPLIED

STEVEN SAUNDERS, DURBAN ★ Molecular mixology involves… producing something more than just a drink, and changing the way people interact with it. Pretty much anything goes. I once made a dessert ‘sushi-plate’ cocktail, which was probably a bit overboard – each piece of ‘sushi’ was a cocktail that had been transformed into solid form using a mixture of macerated fruit, flavoured ice creams and sorbet, whiskey jellies and flavoured ‘caviar’, and was eaten with chopsticks. It took a lot of preparation. ★ New exciting bars? There are some new spots opening in Durban soon, which I am sure will rival some of the best in the industry, such as the Lucky Shaker and The Dutch.

CHANTELLE HORN, CAPE TOWN ★ Is bartending a boys’ club? One of the most respected female mixologists in the industry, Hawaiian-born Julie Reiner, owns and runs both the Clover Club in Brooklyn and the Flatiron Lounge in Manhattan. Aside from that, the title of the coveted IBA (International Bartenders’ Association) Global competition has been taken by women for the last two years. Female bartenders are on the rise. ★ I once served… Prince Harry. He was the nicest celebrity I’ve met and an absolute gentleman. ★ Five things every cocktail should offer? A drink should be a multi-sensory experience. The bartender making the drink is part of the experience, so some theatre in the way they makes it creates a little bit of intrigue. Next is how the drink has been dressed. Presented in beautiful glassware accompanied by a garnish that’s taken time and effort to prepare. It’s important for the drink to smell as good as it looks. Then the drink should have layers of flavour that entice you to take the next sip. A great cocktail should make you want another.

thirty-three

I

By Evan Milton

THE NEW BASEMENT TAPES LOST ON THE RIVER Transport yourself back to the summer of love with Elvis Costello, Marcus Mumford (Mumford & Sons) and friends recording 20 ‘lost’ Bob Dylan songs that the songwriting master wrote during his ‘Basement Tapes’ sessions, but never recorded. The album also features violinist, banjo player and singer Rhiannon Giddens (Carolina Chocolate Drops), Jim James (My Morning Jacket) – and a guitar cameo by Johnny Depp! While some Dylan and folk purists might complain, the rest of us can enjoy a modern, sometimes bluesy, often dreamy take on the prodigious outpourings that made 1967 legendary. thirty-four

FLETCHER IN DUB HAYIBO RIDDIM An underground gem from master producer Fletcher, ex Krushed & Sorted, the electronic music production pioneers who founded African Dope Records.

There’s no breakbeat or glitch on Hayibo, though: this is seven songs of lazy dub and decadently deep bass that underpin a Mzansi mash of mainly Xhosa spaza rappers like Crosby, Teba and step-up rhymer Izajah Korianda. Expect modern urban reggae with a township twist.

Don’t expect to find it in shops. Go to fletcherindub.bandcamp.com and soundcloud.com/fletcher. The world needs some love, just like Daddy Spencer croons on stand-out track, ‘Uthando’.

FOO FIGHTERS SONIC HIGHWAYS Dave Grohl and Co recorded in eight iconic studios across the United States – places rich with music pedigree, like Steve Albini’s Electrical Audio in Chicago and Nashville’s Southern Ground, home to the likes of Dolly Parton and Willie Nelson. Twenty years after Foo Fighters’ humble start, these eight tracks hallmark a sound that fits uniquely into air-punching stadium rock without too much of the corporate machine. Summer days want ‘In The Clear’, featuring Preservation Hall Jazz Band; summer nights with the windows down want ‘The Feast and the Famine’, featuring DC hardcore pioneers Bad Brains.

MARK RONSON UPTOWN SPECIAL Remember 2010’s ‘Bang Bang Bang’?

Or ‘Ooh Wee’ back in 2003? Grammy winner Mark Ronson announced his intention to get your hineys back on the dance floor with the album’s debut single ‘Uptown Funk’, featuring charttopping heartthrob Bruno Mars. The album is drenched in soul, funk and R&B influences from Ronson’s origins as a New York club DJ, and features new female vocal talents like Keyone Starr. Want some highbrow with your boogie? Most of the album’s lyrics were penned by Pulitzer-winning novelist Michael Chabon (Wonder Boys, Yiddish Policemen’s Union).❂

IMAGES: SHUTTERSTOCK, SUPPLIED

t’s said all things have their season – and music is coming out of its cold, dark winter into a sunny, summery new space. Instead of established acts lamenting the decline of CD sales, we have massive bands like Foo Fighters releasing an album that’s also a superb documentary series billed as ‘a love letter to the history of American music’. TV eyes see inside studios that produced legends ranging from Dolly Parton and The Eagles to Cheap Trick and Bad Brains.

Music ears get eight new thumping rock tunes.

Meanwhile, underground beats thrive on the near-instant collaboration ushered in by services like SoundCloud, and we, the eager above-ground public, get invited to digital showcases like Bandcamp – often for free! This, while chart-topping DJs host TED talks revealing their sampling secrets.

What’s not to love about a season when the giants can’t rest on their laurels, and where up-andcoming talent can get a wider audience built on demand, rather than just dollars?

This new era of music is also forcing bands back to another field in which they should never have stopped gambolling: the live show. Charge your download account, mix music with your movie habits and dig out your dancing shoes, and toast a summer of sound.

ROSHAN GALVAAN OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY LECTURER I was once mistaken for… a first-year student – I’m short and was dressed casually. What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? My shoes – comfy yet stylish. If there were a holiday in your honour, what would it celebrate? Being a committed mom and academic.

Name three things you think we’ll no longer be using in 20 years: Landlines, GHDs and dictaphones. On Saturdays, I like to… do nothing!

GIFT MANATSI BARISTA I was once mistaken for… Chris Rock.

Best imaginary place for a holiday? It’s not imaginary, but the moon. Just me... and peace and quiet. What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? A suit and tie. I’m a straight-up, decent guy. Name three things you think we’ll no longer be using in 20 years: Trains, planes and automobiles. On Saturdays, I like to… Wake up early and smell the roses.

ANSUNÉ VAN DER MERWE STUDENT I was once mistaken for… Amanda Schull from the movie Centre Stage. Best imaginary place for a holiday? The inside of a slice of Rocky Road – bouncing around between marshmallows and pecan nuts. What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? A lacey bra – intricate, complicated, delicate, and very supportive to friends. Name three things you think we’ll no longer be using in 20 years: Digital music (come back vinyl), bread-making machines (thanks to Professor Noakes) and BlackBerry smartphones.

thirty-six

DEVON RYAN BARMAN Best imaginary place for a holiday? Narnia, because it’s Narnia.

Duh! What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? A bra. I love boobs all over me.

If there were a holiday in your honour, what would it celebrate?

Redheads. Gingers must unite! Name three things you think we’ll no longer be using in 20 years: Landlines, light switches and textbooks.

TYRON DE ANDRADE STUDENT I was once mistaken for…

Kurt Cobain. It’s the hair and my excellent musical taste.

Best imaginary place for a holiday? Planet Hoth – for the excellent skiing conditions.

What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? A birthday suit – what you see is what you get! If there were a holiday in your honour, what would it celebrate?

Red meat. Name three things you think we’ll no longer be using in 20 years: Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

MASI STUDENT I was once mistaken for… never happened. I’m unique.

Best imaginary place for a holiday? I’d prefer to time-travel back to Soweto in the 1950s. There was such a creative spirit prevalent then.

If there were a holiday in your honour, what would it celebrate? Individuality.

Name three things you think we’ll no longer have in 20 years: Libraries, rhinos and pandas. On Saturdays, I like to… relax with a good book.

NICOLA DICEY STUDENT I was once mistaken for… Miley Cyrus’s sister. What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? A short, flowy dress which is fun, floaty and free. That’s how I like to live life. If there were a holiday in your honour, what would it celebrate?

Dogs. People would have to host a party on the day for the furry friend in their lives.

Name three things you think we’ll no longer have in 20 years: Hand-delivered mail, BlackBerry smartphones and TVs.

CHALIN KETTLE STUDENT/GAMER I was once mistaken for… Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I have a broad-shaped body and a deep voice.

Best imaginary place for a holiday? Middle-earth.

I’d like to explore the landscape and bag a few Orcs.

If there were a holiday in your honour, what would it celebrate? My generosity to everyone.

On Saturdays, I like to… drive along the coast, play games and hang with my girlfriend.

DOUG EDWARDS STUDENT I was once mistaken for… what do you mean? Other people get mistaken for me all the time. Best imaginary place for a holiday? Hogwarts. Magic is awesome, I know all the rules for Quidditch and I already own a Nimbus 3000. Name three things you think we’ll no longer be using in 20 years: Legs (everything will be automated), pens (Dad, really you had to write with your hand) and laptops. On Saturdays, I like to… surf or kitesurf – depends on the wind. thirty-seven

e went shopping and I found a shirt. Really it found me, the way a giant mutant spider might find a small forest deer.

“What do you think?”

I asked.

‘It’s quite colourful,’ she said cautiously.

‘I know, right? It’s time to be more adventurous.”

‘But is it time to attract bees?’

‘I can pull it off, though, right?’

‘I think pulling it off would be better than putting it on.’

‘Excellent.’

It had been such a long time since I’d used a changing room I’d forgotten what to do.

Everyone knows you have to try on clothes with your eyes shut or with a long black cloth draped over the glass. That’s why vampires are always well dressed: they’re not afraid of seeing

thirty-eight

themselves in department store mirrors. But I am not a vampire; I was in the mirror.

My mouth hung open in horror.

Of course, I knew it was there. I catch occasional glimpses of myself in restaurant cutlery and in the windows of passing cars, but I can always shut my eyes or look away. Home is a controlled environment, so I can avoid extended exposure, but in a booth like a coffin, lit like a soap opera, there’s nowhere to hide.

There it was, heaving and rolling and bizarrely proud, like a new island made of yoghurt breaking the surface of the sea: the Bovey Belly.

My grandfather must have brought it on the ship to Africa a hundred years ago, smuggled under his shirt like a biological weapon. It comes to all the Bristow-Bovey men in the end – we’re skinny youths, then normal-sized men, and then suddenly one night the body clock ticks past a certain point, preprogrammed like a booby trap to punish us for living too long. A switch is tripped; the belly awakes.

I took off the rest of my clothes. If you’re going to peer into the abyss, you may as well do it properly.

It was worse than I could have imagined.

While I balloon around the middle like a man smuggling cottage cheese in a bodysuit of Glad Wrap, everywhere else is shrinking. The legs: spindly. The shoulders: could pass through the eye of a needle. The chest: slipping, as though made of mashed potatoes. A deflating balloon animal looked back at me in the glass.

This is all we are: meat in a mirror. There’s nothing but biology. All the fuss about personality and free will is just flapdoodle to give you something to do while you’re growing up.

You think you’re using cunning and strategy to play the hand you’re dealt, but one day you stand before a department store mirror and all the cards get turned over and you realise the only one you’re bluffing is yourself.

But you know what? The hell with it. There’s something else I inherited from my grandfather: sheer bloody-mindedness.

I came out in the new shirt.

‘What do you think?’

My partner stared. ‘Um,’ she said.

‘It’s cool, right?’

‘It’s, uh … is that a small?’

‘No, it’s a medium.’

‘Mmm. Well, you know, some labels, their mediums are really more like smalls, so …’

‘No, but I’m a medium, so this is my size.’

‘Yeah. It’s just that, uh … you know, in Asia the men have smaller bones, so … is that even a man’s shirt?’

My partner is so kind it hurts her to say something hurtful. She squirmed as though standing in a bathtub of electric eels.

‘No, no, don’t worry,’ I told her. ‘I’m going to lose the weight.’

‘Oh?’ she said weakly.

‘Definitely. I’ll be a medium again. Most definitely.’

‘Okay …’

‘Yup. I was going to tell you. I’m going on diet.’

‘Oh God,’ she said in a small voice. ❂ Darrel Bristow-Bovey is the author of One Midlife Crisis and a Speedo, now available at Exclusives, Kalahari.com and Takealot.com.

ILLUSTRATION: SHUTTERSTOCK.COM/JESADAPHORN

In this extract from his book, One Midlife Crisis and a Speedo, Darrel Bristow-Bovey offers just one of a trillion reasons why having a mid-life crisis is not for sissies.

Š 2014 adidas AG. adidas, the Trefoil logo and the 3-Stripes mark are registered trademarks of the adidas Group.

adidas/kirmack/2234/e/OB

EQUALitY iS LOVE

Sign up to adidas 3Stripes and be the first to know about new adidas product launches, events and special offers. www.adidas3stripes.co.za.

V&A Waterfont: Shop 7215, Victoria Wharf, V&A Shopping Centre, Waterfront 8001, Cape Town Canal Walk: Shop 669, Upper Level, Canal Walk Shopping Centre, Century City, Milnerton, 7441 Cape Town Menlyn: Shop UF 85+86, Menlyn Park Shopping Centre, corner Lois & Atterbury Rd, Pretoria 0081

DISRUPTIVE BY DESIGN WE BELIEVE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD CAN AND WILL BE MADE BETTER

Features the incredible first single “Take Me To Church”

Available on Vinyl, CD and Download