Just My Type

Spare Parts

by Mary Ellen [maryellen@ocalasgoodlife.com]

American stand-up comedienne, Phyllis Diller had a career that spanned decades. With her trademark wild hair, cigarette holder, and outrageous costumes, she performed hilarious self-deprecating monologues about her kids, pets, and husband, “Fang.” I had the privilege of seeing Miss Diller perform in Laughlin, Nevada, when she was 82. And for two hours, she delivered rapid one-liners that made me laugh so hard I almost missed the punch line of the next joke. But one routine about growing old sticks in my mind. I remember her taking a drag on that ridiculously long cigaretteholder, letting out a loud, cackling laugh, and saying that she really didn’t know how old she was because no two parts of her body were the same age.

Except for some dental work, all my parts are original. But as I age gracefully and become a “vintage personality” (aka senior citizen) I know at some point I’ll be going in for a tune up to have a wornout joint, organ, or body part enhanced, removed, relocated, or replaced all together by something electronic, titanium, or stainless steel.

I’m certainly not a doctor, just an ordinary person with those possibilities looming before me like the rest of us. And the following are just my take on some of the most common procedures for entertainment value only, and not in any way shape or form to be considered medical advice or to take the place of a professional opinion.

In the relocated category I think of hair plugs. All I can say is, “Guys, whatever makes you happy is okay with me.”

Hip replacement has become almost as commonplace as Botox injections are for us gravityaffected individuals. Though still a serious operation, a patient is usually home the next day and walking within hours after surgery, ready to go another hundred thousand miles with their shiny new hip joint.

Like hips, knees were designed to last a lifetime, but with doing more high-impact exercises, one’s occupation, or a genetic propensity, it becomes necessary to replace one or two in order to continue to lead an active life. “Vintage” doesn’t mean “old.” It means we have lived long enough to know when it’s time to install a new part.

Dental enhancements can change a person’s life by improving your smile and restoring self-confidence. At one time only famous actors and actresses could afford to have their teeth “capped,” as it was once called. Now, crowns are available to anyone wishing for a movie-star smile. Root canals, dentures, and implants are more options to help keep us beaming with pride.

Cataract surgery today is relatively quick with dramatic results. It’s almost unimaginable to think that years ago cataracts were a leading cause of blindness. Now, in a matter of minutes, a patient can see without the ever-present fog before their eyes. And if a candidate, one can leave with a brand-new implanted lens, negating the need of glasses.

Spa treatments don’t require parts. And although you won’t get instant results like after surgery, one may see improvement over time, and spending time at the spa is definitely more fun. I find pampering myself with a facial, massage, or mani pedi relaxing, therefore having therapeutic value as well.

A decision to have any of these procedures should never be taken lightly. But I hope I have prompted a few chuckles about what’s available to make our lives easier as we go in for periodic “service.”

So get back to your favorite activities—or maybe try something new like dancing or tennis. Whatever you do, live life to the fullest with your new spare parts.

Writer’s Note: Special thanks to my friend, Maggie Akins for suggesting the subject of this column.