Ocelot 135 september 2017 final artwork

No: 135 September 2017

Wiltshire, Oxfordshire and West Berkshire

Free

Showcasing a dazzling array of acts in our Autumn Theatre Guide p31 What's on Ocelot 135.indd 1

/ STYLE / EATS / BREWS / SCREEN / TECH 21/08/2017 17:21

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#135

SEPTEMBER ISSUE

For Starters

04 Michael Bosley + Luke Coleman 06 Encyclopaedia Oceloticca 08 Running for My Life 10 The Bassett Rivers Echo Lifestyle

14 Get Away 16 Get A Life 18 Style 20 Tech 22 Screenzone Brews and Eats

25 Wine not?

26 Brewery Bird 27 Gin! 28 Recipe 29 History of... Foie Gras Arts and Culture

31-42 The Theatre Guide 44 Marlborough Litfest 46 The Ocelot Comedy Night 49 Peacock Arts Trail 50 Derren Brown Music

52 Wilderness in review 54 The Ocelot Presents Nick Mulvey 55 Gig Monkey 56 O2 Academy Oxford 57 Academy of Music and Sound 58 The Gig List The Final Bit of the magazine

62 Agony Girl

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The stage is set

There’s nothing better than the thrill of live theatre.

It just feels so intense. So much more real.

It’s literally happening right in front of you.

Something that cinema can never emulate.

We’ve got quite a magazine for you this month in our annual autumn theatre guide.

Not only do we have the comprehensive guide itself but we also have interviews with Derren Brown who is appearing in Oxford as well as a preview for the amazing Marlborough Literature Festival and the Peacock Arts Trail.

If that wasn’t enough we’ve also got an interview with Nick Mulvey and a preview of all that is musical for the month ahead.

There is a tinge of sadness this month as it is the current Agony Girl’s final month. The ten year old advice columnist Annabel has been with us for six years now, having succeeded from her brother George. But, unfortunately, her time has come as her little sister four-year-old Amy has been chomping at the bit to take over her duties from next month.

But don’t be sad as there’s also the welcome return of The Ocelot Comedy Night at The Vic in Swindon on September 21. We used to run these for years and they were always hugely popular introducing us to the likes of Rhod Gilbert, Romesh Ranganathan and Tom Stade. It’s free entry and there will be five comedians hoping to make you giggle from 8pm.

We can’t wait.

Write in to me at jamie@theocelot.co.uk

Jamie Hill

Editor: Jamie Hill - jamie@theocelot.co.uk Deputy: Ben Fitzgerald - ben@theocelot.co.uk Sales: Dave Stewart dave@theocelot.co.uk - 07872 176999 Rosy Presley rosy@positivemediagroup. press - 07717 501790 Telephone: 01793 781986 Publisher: Positive Media Group, Unit 3, Arclite House, Peatmoor, Swindon SN5 5YN Printers: Stones, Badbury

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For Starters An illusion of life...

The Nerd’s Last Word

by Michael Bosley

I’m what you would call a reluctant member of social media.

Swayed somewhat by the tide of peer pressure and the immediate convenience of photo sharing and networking within my musical and photographical related circles, I now spend most of my time intentionally looking for and baulking at the most extreme social media offenders – the vein, the pretentious, the angry, the offensive and the attention seekers.

Like some kind of masochist, I derive some kind of pleasure in gawping at their (perceived) cool, stylish lives, somewhat confused, but simultaneously marvelling at their determination to harness and embrace absolutely every tool that social media offers its users in order for them to market and exploit every facet of their lives to its fullest potential.

When Facebook inevitably became the preserve of bored housewives, elderly aunties trying to work the

internet and angry fake news rants, I jumped ship and decided to test the waters over in that there Instagram, which promised a more cerebral, cultural experience that would cater to my love of music, photography, the arts and most importantly, Simpsons’ memes.

As an image based service, Instagram is, of course based on image. Moody, lonely figures looking out into the ocean are carefully tweaked for colour, tone and shadow and are accompanied by some form of enlightening quote or message completely unrelated to the picture. Whereas a Facebook post accompanying such a photo would usually read “Me on Bournemouth beach! Lol!”, Instagram invites you to dig a little deeper into your pompous psyche and give the reader something to scratch their chin over.

“Sometimes you just need to take a moment and think about how life is like a winding river, stretching off into the horizons of time…” or something.

The key is to promote oneself as much as possible without looking too much like you are. The humble-brag as it has come to be known. Tick the boxes; attractive and stylish – check, sensitive and reflective – check, perceptive and funny – check, good at sports and music - check.

The trouble with trying to be good at everything is that sooner or later you struggle to keep all the plates spinning. No wonder so many people sink into deep depressions trying to keep up the persona. We’re sending a message to people - particularly young people - that unless you live a bombastic lifestyle full of rock climbing, exotic holidays, luxury goods, perceived spiritual enlightenment, health kicks and fancy lattes, then your life is pretty meaningless.

It epitomises the shallow, superficial, everything-now attitude of modern culture, where no one truly takes the time to learn and experience, they just want a picture to give the impression they did.

Should I stay or should I go?

Off The Grid with Luke Coleman - Our man in Iraq It’s been quite a month, work wise. We’ve taken the step of joining the Arabic and Kurdish sections of the organisation and set up a Facebook page, offering an alternative perspective of Iraq. In the last couple of weeks we’ve published videos on para athletes, youth organisations, artists, the environment and (really selling it here) MUCH, MUCH MORE. So, obviously, please come on down to facebook.com/YallaEn and give us a follow.

Away from the desk, I’ve been to Mosul to make a few reports on an amazing project run by local NGO www. thecnsf.com. CNSF are training men to be glaziers and women to sew curtains, and have fitted thousands of square metres of glass into homes in the east of Mosul, and hung drapes. Having windows means that a/c units and coolers

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can be run in the near 50° heat, and the curtains give privacy. Obviously the workers are making a living, and all of this adds up to one central thing: dignity.

This evening I’m off to a project on the other end of the scale. At an IDP camp here in Erbil a concert will be performed by an orchestra of young people who’ve been given lessons and instruments for the last three months. This is the kind of longer-term project that will bind communities, gives people a hobby and develops self-esteem.

Am I leaving? I really should be, but when you have a month like this, somehow your heart is dragged back into the place. And do me a favour - I desperately want our work to be seen by Western audiences, you’ve been reading this for long enough, now go and watch some 1 minute films: facebook.com/YallEn

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Science Fact: A featherweight heavyweight

by Ben Fitzgerald Ask most people what their favourite dinosaur is and they will begin to back away from you defensively.

Those who don’t, however, will probably say Tyrannosaurus Rex - pointing out that it is hardest of all the lizards.

(They are wrong of course, because as we all know, the Triceratops is the best dinosaur because it has both spikes and armour.)

But recent studies of tyrannosaurid skin have revealed some truly shocking news - it’s likely that Tyrannosaurus Rex was covered in brightly coloured feathers, making it look more like Big Bird from Sesame Street - but with a row of huge sharp teeth, which is arguably more terrifying.

When scientists began

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researching dinosaurs 150 years ago, they were generally believed to have belonged to the reptile family.

But during the 1960s, there were the beginnings of a revolution of thought about the origins of dinosaurs (presumably paleontologists felt left out of all the other revolutions breaking out all around them and thought they should join in the fun).

The idea began to take hold that dinosaurs were more closely related to birds - which makes sense when you look at the scaly feet and necks of chickens and turkeys.

The discovery of simple, shaftless feathers on Dilong paradoxus, a 2-metre-long tyrannosauroid from the early Cretaceous of China confirmed what many scientists have long suspected - that T-Rex was a bit of a dandy and has more in common

with Marc Bolan from the group of the same name than knuckle headed ‘ard man Vinnie Jones.

Those in the feather-sceptic camp argue that these sort of feathers would have provided insulation, which a small(ish) theropod would need but would lead to overheating of larger dinosaurs like T-Rex. But the discovery of filamentlike feathers, up to 20 cm long, on Yutyrannus huali, another, much larger, tyrannosauroid from the early Cretaceous era in China, scuppered this argument and proved that huge feathered dinosaurs would not overheat and that the nightmarish notion of a killer big bird is... in fact... real.

Tyrannosaurus Rex - more like a bird than previously thought... and actually more frightening as a result.

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Running for my life

Running out of steam

Ocelot editor Jamie Hill is planning to run the Birmingham Marathon on October 15 in aid of ICP Support. Every month he’s been chronicling his journey.

The clock is ticking now.

It’s like a doomsday clock in my head.

Every day, I’m closer and it’s getting a bit scary.

In my latest run I managed 16 miles.

It was tough going and the last three miles were especially hard. By the end I was a mess with every limb feeling like spaghetti.

And I’ve still got the knowledge that I’ve got to go 10.2 miles further to reach the marathon distance.

It doesn’t bear thinking about.

My last run took me three hours and 18 minutes.

That’s a hell of a long time to be out there putting one foot in front of the other.

By the time you read this I should have run 17 miles. I’m dreading it.

Music is my constant companion. I tend to like the rockier end of the spectrum for these runs but dance music is also a bit of a Godsend especially as you end up running to the rhythm.

A lot of my runs now are on the cycle track which stretches before me for miles. I’m usually alone but you can guarantee that if I get into a good song

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and start dance running, which is something I’m wont to do, a rambler or a cyclist will suddenly show up from nowhere and give me a weird look.

The worst one of these was when I was especially getting into Lady Gaga’s Pokerface and doing all the moves with my arms as I ran. I must have looked like a complete idiot when a family of four came cycling up behind me. As they cycled past, I smiled at them and pretended that I was just stretching my limbs. I don’t think they believed me.

I’ve been told a number of times that audiobooks are good for long runs to keep you distracted.

Unfortunately I haven’t got the technical know-how to get I Partridge read by Steve Coogan to work at the same time as my Nike + app so I’ve had to stick with the music.

Another distraction has been the views. I run through Coate Water which is absolutely stunning especially with the sun setting on it. Also some of the views of the Marlborough Downs once I’m up on the cycle track beyond Chiseldon are pretty aweinspiring.

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Running for my life

I don’t really know Birmingham at all where I’ll be carrying out this task so I don’t know what the views will be like at all. I’m expecting it to all be industrial and massive junctions of the spaghetti variety but it might surprise me.

Looking at the course map, which contains a ten mile loop which is bound to mess me up, it doesn’t look that long a distance but one thing that constantly surprises me is how long an actual mile is.

I reckon I’ll finish the marathon between five and a half and six hours which is a hell of a long time to be out there.

But this training is doing me a bloody lot of good as well.

At the start of the year I weighed 18 stone 4 pounds. At my last weigh-in on Sunday I weighed 16 stone 4 pounds - meaning I’ve lost two stone overall which is quite an achievement. It also means I’ve shaved my beard off as it is no longer needed to hide my multiple chins.

But my belly is still there. Like a stubborn bit of flab it’s not disappeared yet so I still know that I’m fat despite all of this effort.

My original target was to lose three stone during this ordeal so I’ve got one stone to go. Having lost 28 pounds already, another 14 pounds doesn’t seem like the biggest mountain to climb and I’ve still got eight weeks to go.

Let’s hope my belly finally gives up the ghost during this last bit of weight loss.

I’ve also managed to raise enough to pay for my entry but now need to raise more to really help the charity so please keep giving generously.

If you would like to sponsor me you can chuck money at: www.justgiving.com/fundraising/james-hill36

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Bassett

The

Rivers Scary news for scary times...

EXCLUSIVE: Local man has never watched Die Hard p65

Echo

Terrorists strike Bassett Rivers and introduce fortnightly bin collections

by Kit Chentable

BASSETT Rivers is in the grip of terrorists after a cell of allegedly armed men took over the town hall and introduced fortnightly bin collections.

The terrorists, who have also cut down on regular grass-cutting in a cost-saving exercise and introduced a one-way system around The Green, took over the council last May after being voted in during the local council elections.

But opposition councillor Brian Tarbuck (Lab) claims that although they were voted in, the majority group on the council are in fact terrorists.

He said: “They are in fact terrorists. And are armed. In fact I know they are armed as I saw one of them going to off to hunt grouse the other day with a shotgun.

“So far they have done all that they can to destroy

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our way of life by introducing efficiency savings. It won’t be long until these terrorists try to close our local lending library or introduce parking charges in the High Street on a Sunday.

“They have to be stopped before it is too late.”

The Bassett Rivers branch of The Conservative Party are the group who have claimed responsibility for the terrorist attrocities.

A spokesman said: “What do you mean we’re terrorists? We’re so obviously not. We got voted in like everybody else by making loads of promises that we had no intention of keeping.

“Brain Tarbuck is one of the tinfoil hat brigade and if he continues he will find that he is put to death like the traitorous scum that he is urm.. sorry I meant we will debate him in full council.”

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Film banned after showing graphic depiction of man doing housework Bassett Rivers MP Bane ‘Drive-by’ Bullet’s monthly Column

By Livi Ngroom BASSETT Rivers cinema has banned the film Modern Life after it showed shocking scenes of a man doing housework.

The film, which stars Chester Chesterson as ‘househusband’ Dave Noballs, was due to be released on Saturday but after its controversial content was flagged by local campaign group BRATSOFT (Bassett Rivers Against That Sort Of Thing) the cinema decided to not go ahead with the screening.

BRATSOFT spokeswoman Tess Armchair-Clarke said: “It is a sick film. In one scene this ‘so-called’ man makes a list and then goes to a supermarket and does the weekly shop. At no point did he pick up a copy of FHM or put stuff in the shopping trolley like Pepperami or beer. It just didn’t make sense as that would never happen in reality.

“In another scene he can be seen vacuuming the house from top to bottom and doing a thoroughly good job of it.

“And in yet another sickening part of the film he actually loads the dishwasher and at no point does a woman come along and

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reorganise the dishes and plates in the machine. We are expected to believe that he did it properly.

“I can tell you that I was married to a ‘man’ and this representation is completely removed from reality as a man would never be able to do any of these things. It’s sick of a Hollywood studio to make us believe that a man is anything but useless at this sort of thing.

“Men are in fact monsters.

They are cheating scum who never do what they say and should all be slaughtered in a mass-culling.”

The film depicts Mr Noballs as a stay at home dad who does the housework whilst his high-powered lawyer wife goes out to work. At the end of the film his wife can be seen mowing the lawn at the weekend before falling asleep whilst reading the newspaper and watching football.

A spokesman for the cinema chain said: “We actually decided not to screen it because it sounded incredibly dull and nothing much happens. We just told Tess it was because of her.

Give us Transformers any day!”

So I iz like well enjoyin’ me job as da MP 4 Bassett Riverz az I avn’t ad to do anyting yet.

And we were just given dis holiday 4 a few weekz and den dis month we ‘av to go back 2 work but not 4 long az den we ‘av to go 2 Brighton 4 da Labour Party Conference.

So I iz like well lookin’ forward 2 going down 2 da seaside dis month 4 anovva holiday.

I iz like gettin’ paid loadz more money dan I did when I worked at da local Costalot supermarket where I wuz pushin’ trolliez. And dat job wuz a lot harder dan dis one.

Dere r some ovva MPz who have said dat I need to put in an expensez claim 4 me second home but da fact dat when I am in London I iz like stayin’ in a tent in Hyde Park meanz I don’t ‘av any expensez and it wuld be wrong of me to claim money when I don’t need it. I told dem dis and dey gave me a funny look as if I am a bit mad but I could tell dat dey totally respected me.

Da rest of da money I get from bein’ an MP I iz like spendin’ on gamez 4 me PS4 and 4 WKD when I iz like holdin’ me constituency surgeriez at da bus stop where I hang out wiv me homiez - P Diddy Ha Ha Hum, Sixpack Shaker and Nigel.

I likez bein’ an MP dough. Da ovva day dis bus driver started ‘avin’ a go at me 4 hangin’ out at da bus stop so I told him who I waz. He just laffed and drove off.

But I don’t expect he iz laffin’ now as I managed to get da bus franchise taken away from his employerz by goin’ 2 da cross-parliamentary public transport select committee and makin’ sure dey ‘anded da bus franchise to a bus company dat don’t mind me at da bus stop.

Da new bus driver iz well respectul when he stopz now. He even called me ‘your honour’ which wuz well cool.

I did see da old bus driver da ovva day sleeping ruff so I got da police to move him on.

Respect!

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Get Away

A Bruges cruise

Tobias Baughan reflects on his trip to the Belgium city of Bruges, through the lens of the film In Bruges.

In Bruges: A Guide to the City and the Film.

When you go on holiday you should try and have a nice time and behave yourself - tourists from the UK have a bad enough rap as it is. So you can have a good time post Brexit, without violating anyone’s safe space, here’s a guide to what to do in the city.

I’ve also re-written the film here as it struck me in the original film that the characters didn’t enjoy themselves enough.

Just as importantly: where should you eat, drink and shop?

Eating out Do make sure you eat well. In

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the original In Bruges Ray tries to put some decent nutrition in his body at one point at an appealing restaurant, though because of anger management issues he hasn’t dealt with through therapy, he lashes out at others.

Here’s a list of great places: 1. In’t Nieuw Museum If the Belgians love beef then In’t Nieuw Museum is about as Belgian as it gets. Everything here is cooked on a thick metal grill by the hearth, which is fun to watch while you wait.

2. Chez Vincent The only place you should go for fast food - although there is a Mcdonald’s. Expect croquettes, chips and good prices but also quality.

3. Restaurants by the Concertgebouw (Concert Hall) Just east of the Concert Hall admire the square and explore the restaurants at the southeast corner instead. Three course lunches are available for under 15 euros, which is much cheaper than the centre.

Sightseeing and Shopping At one point Ray has a good opportunity to warn tourists in the film about queues for the tower, but his difference in communication style means his efforts are translated in terms which may be taken exception to.

KEY TIP: The queue for the tower can be very long so you might not want to spend your holiday queuing.

Give this a miss and take some

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Get Away

e to remember

who finds time in between running an ethical pharmacy to work on film sets.

They go to a restaurant and have a great time. They learn a lot about the unfair stereotyping sometimes applied to Americans.

Ray also meets Chloe’s exboyfriend who is so excited he comes round to surprise them with some fresh, foraged fruit.

time to wander between the different churches in the city taking in the atmosphere, which is the best thing the city has to offer. (Just don’t ask to sit in on a church service like my nan, it might turn out to be funeral.)

You’ll also find some other great shopping and sightseeing opportunities:

the portraits here are a record of that. If you visit one Museum make it this one.

1. Julie’s Chocolate House The house itself isn’t made of chocolate but the chocolates certainly are. This place has a bigger range and more original flavours than anywhere else.

Speak to Julie herself and pick some different chocs to make up your box.

What if In Bruges was re-written as a good holiday, post Brexit in 2017? (The whole film in 266 words.)

2. The Bottle Shop People are always talking about craft beer these days, with good reason, but the Belgians have had a great beer culture for a long time. Not to be missed.

3. Groeningemuseum In the 13th and 14th century Bruges was a financial and cultural centre, the quality of the paintings and the people in

4. Historium Most museums show you history through objects but at the Historeum you’ll see some short films about a boy looking for a parrot. Confused? You will be.

The Beginning: Ray is delivering healthy food but after dropping off the some organic kalets, he forgets to give a customer their artisanal tofu. As a result he is forced to go to Bruges by his employer at the urban farm with Ken for a holiday in Bruges. Ken really likes the city and Ray does too because it’s important to understand different cultures on their own terms.

Ray meets Chloe: A strong independant woman

The Dramatic Peak: Harry tells Ken he sent Ray on holiday because otherwise he wouldn’t have taken sufficient annual leave. He believes his lack of quality holiday time caused him to forget the artisanal tofu.

Harry asks Ken to tell Ray he needs to go on another holiday to Paris. Ray gets on the train to Paris then decides to return, after someone who has taken an online course to become a councillor tells him that relationships are all we have in the universe.

The Twist: When Ray and Harry go for a jog in Bruges Harry realises he has also forgotten to deliver someone their artisanal tofu. They laugh at the fact Harry made the same mistake. It’s a good thing they’re both on holiday in Bruges.

Part 4: Conclusion I am also pleased to note our own bed and breakfast hosts surpassed expectations with a delicious free breakfast, cute dog and cosy chit chat. There’s no doubt that Bruges is a great city, you can see and do a lot in a couple of days.

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Get A Life

Beards, booze, and burlesque

By Claire Dukes Thinking of shaving that frizz off your face? Well, stop right there!

The Oxford Beard (yes, beard, not beer) Festival is returning for its fourth event Saturday October 7.

The big bearded extravaganza is taking up residence from midday to midnight at new brewery and tap room, The Tap Social Movement.

Whether you’re an advanced beard grower, intermediate or, like me, just really curious, you are invited to join in this unique family day out.

For those in a tangle, you can have a chat with Aberdare’s Tactical Beard Care and Leicester’s Bearded Rapscallion who will be there to support, encourage, and advise you with beard face maintenance (as a woman, I appreciate that hair is a commitment).

For those unfamiliar with beard accessories, products range from Beard Balm and Beard Cologne, to Beard Oil. If you’re thinking this will just be

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Bearded beauties unite! a pub full of smug bearded faces, you’re wrong. The festival will be providing a full day jam packed with entertainment.

Such festivities and competitions include ‘Big & Bushy’, ‘Straightest, Curliest, or Longest Tash’, ‘How many items does your beard hold?’, ‘Less mess eating contest’, Kids ‘Invent a Bearded character’, and many more are in the pipe line.

There will also be an array of live music, great grub, and burlesque troupe The Scarlet Vixens (just in case you weren’t sold by beards).

This is the kind of event I love hearing about, it’s different, high spirited and welcoming of an attribute which some people struggle with.

I don’t know about you, but I have a hairy friend, like super hairy, and he completely bosses it. But in all fairness he has admitted there’s not really a lot he can do – shaving and waxing are just too high maintenance on a weekly basis, so he just deals with it.

It’s kind of like in The Santa Clause Movie where the dad keeps trying to shave away his persistent beard, then

finally he embraces it (but he doesn’t have much choice).

I can emphathise. I mean there are days (okay, weeks) where I can barely be bothered to shave my legs!

Like women, men are often faced with ridiculously chiselled perceptions of what qualifies them to be in the male gender, and such depictions are often portrayed by the Calvin Klein models of the world, or the filter happy Instagramers.

Thankfully in this modern era, we’re enjoying celebrating our differences through wonderful community events such as The Beard Festival.

Needless to say gents, if you’ve got it, flaunt it! The bushier the better.

As per every year, Oxford’s Beard Festival isn’t just a hipster’s paradise, this event is also in aid of a fantastic charity. This year The Beard Festival will be raising money and awareness for the Oxford Food Bank.

Whether or not you have a full face of hair, the organising bearded beauties have got you covered, and all for a great cause. @TheOxfordBeardFestival

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Style

Late Summer St It feels like the summer is almost over but you can make the most of the end of the season and make summer last with these late summer style essentials.

The Navy Parka Dress from Next (£25) is the perfect transitional piece seamlessly taking you from summer into next season.

Ideal as a casual day dress the smart edge and luxe fabric makes it suitable as work wear too, visit www. next.co.uk It’s not quite time for the long sleeves yet, in fact vest tops are ideal for the warmer days and work as a base layer for cooler times and evenings, for work out style and the perfect athleisure look go for the Only Play Rika Vest Top (£10.50) from www.brandattic.com As the temperature drops

go for graphic sweater style with the White V-Neck Graphic Sweater (£25) or Grey Graphic Sweater (£25) both from Next.

Team up your late summer looks with Next’s Double Buckle Footbed Sandals (£24), these sandals are robust but keep your feet cool at the same time.

The ultimate late season jacket for guys has to be the Threadbare Tampa Hooded Jacket (£40) available from www.brandattic.com That last summer road trip or break away is a must do so do it in comfort and style. Make being on the go cool and easy with Merci Handy Face Mists (£4.50) from Fenwicks. Keep your feet comfy and fresh too with the Footner CoolActive Massager (£24.99) so soothing after a long day,

from www.boots.com There is no excuse not to have sparkling teeth on the move with Swish To Go oral care sachets (£3 for 6 sachets) from www. swishtogo.co.uk and protect your toothbrush from germs with the Steripod toothbrush protector (£5 for 2) visit www.steripod.co.uk.

The Magnitone WipeOut! Cleansing Cloth (£15) is almost magical as it actually removes make-up with just water, reusable, truly convenient and space saving, check out www.magnitone. co.uk Whether you are camping, glamping or spending a night watching the late season stars, for extra comfort and warmth the Heatholders blanket (£24.99) is ideal for wrapping up or lounging out, visit www.heatholders.co.uk

Top row from left, Steripod Toothbrush Protector, Next Double Buckle Footbed Sandals, Swish To Go. Bottom row from left: Merci Handy Face Mists, Heatholders Blanket, Footner CoolActive Massager

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www.theocelot.co.uk

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Style

Style Essentials

From left. clockwise: Brand Attic Only Rika Vest Top, Next Navy Parka Dress, Next Grey Graphic Sweater, White V-Neck Graphic Sweater

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Tech Another girl in the neighborhood

A bit of girl-on-girl action in the tech section...

By Claire Dukes It’s 2017, and much to my dismay the view outside my window doesn’t quite resemble Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner (maybe Denis Villeneuve will be more on track for 2049). But one thing Scott did get pretty bang on is that we would have machines we could control by voice command. One of them is called Alexa.

Alexa’s been around in the UK since 2016, and has become like part of the family for some people (but really she’s a voice control system).

Connected to Amazon Echo, she sits in your home, will play music you like, order a take-out or Uber, send texts, and make a note of things you need/intend to do.

Sounds great! Right?

So far I’m doing just fine without Alexa.

I mean, I’m pretty capable of doing most of what she can (independent woman and all), although I’ll admit not as quickly or submissively... So, what’s the

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deal with this chick?

From a male perspective, maybe it’s nice to know you have a woman around who will do as you command all day long?

Although, I don’t think Alexa’s making sandwiches just yet but I’m sure she could recommend a great place to get one (winning)!

Then again, I’m sure the majority of people are familiar with that Facebook fiasco with the robots?

If not, basically they went rogue, or off script, and just made up their own language to chit chat in.

A modern outlook on Amazon’s Echo could prove quite convenient, especially if you’re juggling children, or simply can’t be asked to cook, or reach for the remote, because luckily day or night “Alexa is always listening”.

I’m sorry, does this not freak anyone else out?

Give it a few years and I predict a horror film will be made about Alexa. “Alexa is always listening” is a great working title (and to be fair, if executed well,

it could actually be quite a good film, maybe because it’s drawing on modern day technology that we now have in our homes - the horror! The horror!)

Another theory of mine is that Amazon’s Echo is the closest thing to telekinesis us mere mortals have reached so far (I mean being Dr Jean Grey is the dream, before she goes full Phoenix).

Or are we really just breeding laziness?

You say “Alexa” and my mind agressively plays back that scene in Wall-E where we find out where all the humans have gone.

Spoiler alert: they’re up in space, riding around on hoverchairs, morbidly obese, and never having to lift a finger because technology does it all for them.

Needless to say Wall-E took quite a dystopian approach towards the years to come, but it’s probably a wake up call, and reality check, we really need.

I like to think the future’s bright, because it’s certainly not Orange, and I also hope it’s not Alexa.

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Screenzone: TV

The Defenders?

Screen Grab A TV column by Jamie Hill The things I do for you guys.

In order that I could review The Defenders before deadline I had to sit through the entire series in one weekend just to get it to you on time.

As a series it was definitely ambitious, probably one of the most ambitious undertakings that a television studio has ever carried out.

Using the Marvel model of introducing their ensemble piede with separate films to form the Avengers with Captain America, Hulk, Thor and Iron Man establishing their characters, they went all out on forming The Defenders with each of the four characters getting their own series first.

Daredevil came first and it was a triumph giving us something darker, more violent and gritty than we’ve come to expect from our brightly coloured superhero stories.

Then came the amazing psychological machinations of Jessica Jones, easily the most complex and enjoyable character out of the foursome.

That was followed by Luke Cage - a funkier but still dark series that, although it didn’t shine as brightly as the previous two was still pretty damn good.

A second series of Daredevil was slotted in before we came to the last character introduction of our quartet - Iron Fist and this is where the studio, for the first time, seriously dropped the ball. Personally, I quite enjoyed it and enjoyed the character but there seemed to be a lack of depth that we had come to love about these

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Netflix shows. Definitely the weakest of the bunch.

So what about The Defenders?

All the ingredients are there, the groundwork has been laid. We all know and love (or loathe if the internet reaction to Iron Fist was any judge) the characters.

But it still felt slightly flat.

Each character is given enough space to breathe but at times it felt like more of the same. Like a bit of a subDaredevil spin-off.

It just felt a bit samey.

Corridor fight-scenes. Check.

The main heroes facing off against each other. Check.

A bad guy or gal in this case with complex motivation.

Check.

Dim lighting. Check.

Fight scenes underground. Check.

I suppose it is the world that these characters are shoved together into. We already know it. There’s nothing new.

But saying all of that. It’s still far and away better than most superhero output on television.

The fight scenes have great choreography and there are still a few surprises thrown into the mix. Definitely not a failure but I felt that they were playing it a bit safe.

Jessica Jones is still my favourite character though (although I warmed a lot more to Luke Cage in this series).

They need to change the formula up for future stories though as I’m definitely suffering from dimly lit fight exhaustion.

The Defenders can be found on Netflix.

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Screenzone: Film

Are You Talkin’ To Me? A Film column by Jamie Hill Armando Ianucci is a bit of a hero of mine.

As one of the most consistently funny writers in the UK for many years giving us Alan Partridge, The Thick of It and The Day Today his eye for the ridiculousness in life is second to none.

In recent years his skill has made the crossing across the pond with the superlative film In The Loop and the fantastic Veep.

His comedy is always politically insightful - a reminder that although these people are in power they’re about as clueless as the rest of us.

With Veep and In The Loop he was able to give us real insight into the White House’s power struggles as we dealt with the vanity and lack of reality that most involved posessed.

So it was only a matter of time before he tackled something no comedic writer has ever attempted before... Stalin. Or in reality the lack of a Stalin and the power vacuum his death created in Russia and the shenanigans those in the upper circle went through to try and fill the space

all the way back behind the Iron Curtain in 1953.

So he’s gone from The White House to the Kremlin and brought along one of the most comedic casts ever assembled for the cinematic ride in The Death of Stalin.

You’ve got the ever excellent Jeffrey Tambor as Malenkov, Steve Buscemi as Khrushchev, Paul Whitehouse as Anastas Mikoyan and Michael Palin as Vyacheslav Molotov.

And from the trailer, which was just released before print deadline, this looks like it’s going to be a riot especially with Jason Isaacs on fine

form as Georgy Zhukov.

With things looking ridiculous in the White House nowadays proving it’s beyond satire, it’s about time we had something to divert us away from that idiotic reality to see that things can be as equally ridiculous in Russia.

Unfortunately it’s set in 1953 so we won’t be glimpsing the barechested antics of that current political behemoth Vladimir Putin.

But there’s always next time if Armando ever turns his hand to Kremlin The Loop.

The Death of Stalin is released on October 20.

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Screenzone: Gaming

Not a Far Cry from reality

by Jamie Hill There are some very disquieting things going on over the other side of The Atlantic.

When I was a kid, America was the most progressive country in the world. They were what every other country aspired to.

And now...

Not so much.

It all looked very hopeful with Obama’s ‘Yes We Can’-do spirit but now we’ve got Trump.

If any of you watched the recent series The Handmaid’s Tale - you can see that is one direction this sorry tale could take as the Tea Party takes charge but another future scenario could very well be the world of Far Cry 5.

Although it’s not released until next February (if the world survives that long) Far Cry 5 is set a bit closer to home than previous outings (neolithic Europe, the Himalayas, Pacific Islands and the African plains).

It’s set in Hope County where a religious cult called Project Eden’s Gate has seized control with

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its far right politics and twisted interpretation of Christianity making life hell for its residents.

If you look at some of the militias that formed up for the recent Charlottesville protests you can see that this isn’t that far removed from reality.

And you take control of one of the last remaining law officers in the area trying to bring the area back to a semblance of normality.

And it looks great as you roam

around the sandbox world taking the County back mission by mission.

We’re big fans of the Far Cry games here at The Ocelot and always love our games to have a bit more depth and social commentary than the norm so we’ve got high hopes for this game.

Let the liberation of America from its tyrannical overlords begin.

We just wish it would happen in real life too.

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Wine not?

The bug that killed

Euro wine

By Darren Willmott The 19th century saw many strides forward in science and technology but, for the wine industry, progression would come at a significant and deadly cost.

Our story starts in 1861 when French wine merchant Monsieur Borty wrote to a friend in New York asking him to ship across American vines to add to his collection of European examples.

Happy to oblige, the samples were received and planted in ten neat rows in his garden in 1863.

The following summer Monsieur Borty noticed that all of his European vines had started to wither and die.

Simply believing his crop was failing and would thrive again the following year he thought nothing of it, but soon other local growers started to see the same symptoms.

With no forewarning of a potential plague approaching, they also awaited new growth the following year. They were all waiting in vain.

Five years later, exasperated growers invited the best scientists of the day to help diagnose their problem.

Dying vines were dug up and examined, their rotting roots suggesting that poor soil was to blame. In response vintners simply

moved their vines to different plots of land. When the same symptoms continued scientists finally looked at the surviving healthy vines and discovered Phylloxera; a tiny yellow aphid feasting on the roots.

At 1mm long and almost invisible to the naked eye, the next 20 years would see it kill off almost all of the vines in Europe despite its minimal size.

The newly understood problem required a solution and the government immediately offered 300,000 gold francs to anyone who could cure the malady.

Attracting all sorts of absurd solutions including drenching vines in their own wine, burying live toads in blighted vineyards, or wearing chain-mail gloves to forcefully scrape the Phylloxera off, the prize went unclaimed.

Commercial pesticides also failed and Phylloxera continued munching its way through over six million hectares of French vines. It was only when a link was made to the original imported samples that scientists were able to fathom a solution. The aphids had stowed away in the original New York consignment sent to M. Borty and, with the American vines having built up a natural resistance to the Phylloxera, were completely

healthy in a way that their European cousins were not.

The agreed solution was to graft the resistant American roots on to the European vines, a practice that still happens to this very day.

Whilst some smaller walled or blocked off vineyards managed to escape the Phylloxera blight, virtually all of your wine wherever it comes from is based on an American rootstock. Even the strict quarantine laws of Australia and New Zealand couldn’t keep it out.

The wine world is clearly split by pre and post Phylloxera wine and it’s tempting to wonder if these different roots make a difference to what we taste in the glass.

Those lucky enough to buy older vintages at auction say that you can taste it but sceptics use the analogy that, whilst you can cut the legs off a person, the truth of what they think and feel comes from their heart. Most of us will never know, but your best way of discovering is to drink the wines of Chile. With the Atacama Desert to the north, the Andes Mountains to the east and the Pacific Ocean to the south and west, Phylloxera never managed to travel there and their vines remain un-grafted.

Cheers!

Read Darren’s blog at vinesight.me

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Brews and Eats

Beer obsessions The Brewery Bird column In the UK, around a third of adults admit to collecting something; be that footy programmes, spoons, egg cups, dolls or stamps.

For some it’s a way to express loyalty to a brand or team, for others eventual monetary gain but for many it’s more of an emotional tie, perhaps to their childhood, or a way of reliving an unforgettable experience.

Now in the past I’ll admit to having had a passing interest in collecting the odd memento – cereal box figures, comic books, gig tickets, wine bottle corks, and at the age of 10, notebooks filled with the names of pubs we’d passed on our annual family holiday or weekends away - clearly my subconscious knew what my eventual career path would be, even if it took me another 20 years to find out!

So, as a beer-drinker, aside from collecting beers (more on that later), what sort of things do drinkers with collecting tendencies choose to collect?

Beer Mats - In the 19th century, felt or pieces of fabric were used in pubs, not to protect tables, but to cover drinks and ward off bugs and dirt from those precious pints.

The material was absorbent, but it was also reused, so hardly hygenic!

The Germans get the credit for the first cardboard beer mat in the 1880s and brewers started to use them as advertising tools from the 1900s.

Famous Tegestologists include the late Eric Morcombe and Ernie Wise! (NB: no one loves a beer mat ripper, least of all bar staff – so stop it)!

Glass beer bottles - In use

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commercially since the late 1600s. Samuel Pepys recorded drinking “several bottles of Hull ale” with friends at an inn called the Bell in London in November 1660. Ceramic bottles were the precursor to glass, and corks were used right up until the late 1880s.

Labeorphilists collect bottles for their history and links to individual brewers – bold engravings, bottle shape, colour and texture were advertising tools in a pre-media world.

Beer bottle labels – According to the UK Labologist’s Society which was set up in 1958, there is evidence of soldiers in both World Wars collecting labels from beer bottles in the town where they were posted. The name labologists was coined by Harold Horden and Colonel Fawcett of Guinness Exports.

Bottle Caps - In 1879 Englishman, Henry Barrett

invented the screwtop beer bottle.

The crown cork or cap was later patented by William Painter, of Baltimore, USA on 2nd February, 1892.

It had 24 teeth and a cork seal with a paper backing to prevent contact between the contents and the metal cap. The current version has 21 teeth. A collector may be referred to as an utremcoronaphile.

Beer Ticking/Scooping/ Bashing – The drinking of different beers and recording details of the beer consumed.

This can be as simple as notation of brewer and beer, or perhaps with added prose on location, date, beer condition and sock colour of the drinker.

Tickers can opt for apps such as Untappd or spreadsheets for data whilst pen and paper thankfully are still widely available for the uninitiated.

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Brews and Eats

Gin festival is a real tonic New dates have been added to the forthcoming Gin Festival at Swindon’s Steam Museum to meet demand.

Festival organisers said: “We can’t believe the response we’ve had to our first event in Swindon.

We’re so excited to bring the gin to such a unique and interesting venue and thrilled that we’ll be able to share it with even more gin-enthusiasts through increasing the capacity.”

More than 100 different gins will be showcased at the event - from small producers to more established brands, distilled both in the UK and internationally.

Ticket holders will be given a Gin Festival Copa Balloon Glass and ‘The Gin Explorer Book’ which will guide you through this spirited soiree.

The bars will be operating on a £5 per token system which will equate to a single measure of gin, garnish and a Fever-Tree mixer at the event.

The event also includes masterclasses with gin distillers, street food and live music.

The two-day event takes place on: Friday September 29: 6.30pm – 11pm Saturday September 30: 12.30pm

– 5pm Saturday September 30 – Evening Session – 6.30pm – 11pm Additional tickets are now on sale for £18, a last minute batch could also be on sale for £22, and available to buy from www. ginfestival.com.

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Brews and Eats

Galette a load of this!

Galettes with chard and Gruyère cheese

Melted cheese, an egg and fresh greens housed in a nutty flavoured gluten-free buckwheat pancake. These look impressive, but they’re simple to cook. This is also good with spinach, Comté, ham, or sweet pancake fillings.

The pancakes can be made in advance and frozen between sheets of greaseproof paper. for the galettes: 100g buckwheat flour good pinch of salt 1 egg 300ml milk 50g butter, melted sunflower oil, for oiling the pan for the filling:

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400g chard, leaves stripped from their stalks 4 eggs 125g Gruyère or Cheddar, grated salt & black pepper

To make the galette batter, sift the flour and salt into a mixing bowl. Make a well in the centre and add the egg, then whisk, adding the milk a little at a time, until you have a smooth batter.

Leave to rest for at least 1 hour.

Meanwhile, blanch and squeeze the chard leaves then roughly chop. Stir the melted butter into the batter. Heat a lightly oiled non-stick frying pan over a medium-high heat. Put a quarter

of the batter into the pan, rolling it around to cover the surface of the pan. Cook for about a minute until golden on the underside, then carefully flip the galette over.

Crack an egg into the centre.

Scatter a quarter of the chopped chard and grated cheese over the whole galette and season with salt and pepper. When the underside is cooked to golden brown, use a spatula then your fingertips to lift then fold the edges of the galette into the centre to form a square. Serve immediately, repeating with the remainder of the batter and filling. www.riverford.co.uk/recipes

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Brews and Eats

A history of

foie gras

By Ben Fitzgerald Imagine that you’re a goose, just hanging out at the farm occasionally flapping your wings and hissing at strange dogs, that sort of thing.

Then suddenly, out of the blue, Mr Farmer begins being really nice to you. And I mean really nice.

Instead of scratching around for whatever grain you can find, you are being brought food twice a day loads of it - and he’s good enough to feed it directly to you using some form of funnel arrangement.

You might just begin to suspect something is up…

However, geese tend to have a carefree ‘live for the moment’ sort of attitude to life, they are among the least suspicious of all farmyard animals and chug the grub down like a student at an ‘eat-as-muchas-you-physically-can’ buffet.

The idiots.

The controversial process of gavage - or fattening results in the goose developing a hugely enlarged liver - a key step in the production of the iconic French delicacy foie gras.

The method was first discovered by ancient Egyptians who during an idle moment between pyramid building - found that waterfowl developed large, fatty livers to help fuel them during migration.

They replicated this by hand feeding the geese to produce a fattier bird - and it turned out that the result was delicious and well worth all the faffing about.

Paintings and carvings from the walls of 4,000 year old tombs in the Valley of the Kings are thought to depict this.

The idea spread throughout the Mediterranean and was adopted by the Greeks.

But it was the Romans who were the ones to make foie gras

into a delicacy in its own right although they didn’t call it that because they always found French a real struggle and quickly gave it up to do Latin and PE at A-level.

After the Roman Empire descended into chaos - it was thought that the Jewish population kept the tradition alive in Europe throughout the Middle Ages.

Not only did it provide an important source of fat that conformed to their religious restrictions - it was also found to be really delicious.

And then during the Renaissance, nutty Louis XIV ‘the Sun King’ who demanded that everyone who looked at him should squint as if they were actually looking at the Sun (instead of a wig-wearing inbred fruitcake) decided that he was also partial to a bit of foie gras.

And because he was surrounded by sycophants, they all copied him - agreeing that artificially enlarged goose liver was also their favourite food and always had been.

Since then, and despite the protestations by vegetarians and other groovy people that the constant feeding is a cruel way to produce food (I’ve always thought that if geese could talk, it would be the killing bit that would irritate them most) foie gras has continued to maintain a dedicated fan base - despite being deeply unfashionable - in much the same way as Status Quo has.

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The Theatre Guide

Floralyn George is on her first UK tour playing at Oxford’s O2 Academy, Swindon’s Arts Centre, and Newbury’s Arlington Arts Centre

This year’s summer has been pleasantly, and surprisingly, kind and has allowed many of us to enjoy outdoor delights such as Countryfile Live, Fieldview Festival, and Towersey festival. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.

However, our trusty local theatres and art spaces have a generous line-up for the upcoming months to coax you out of your doors and into theirs.

We can’t lie, venues large and wide have upped their game this year, and the choices are wonderfully versatile, with some up and coming comedic acts and musical talent, as well as old favourites. The only thing is, can you make them all?

As always Oxford is flourishing with big acts, and the New Theatre has pulled in TV favourite Jon Richardson on September 26. And just across town, Oxford’s Playhouse

hosts Stewart Lee on September 11 and September 12.

Melodic performances invade our regions too, including Floralyn George’s harp-felt and enchanting voice at Swindon’s Arts Centre on September 6, as well as The Little Unsaid who will be playing their melancholic overtones at Newbury’s Arlington Arts Centre.

Preparing for the impending Christmas festivities, theatres have the holidays sorted. The Russian State Ballet returns to the Wyvern Theatre on November 21 and November 22 for their sell out performances of The Nut Cracker and Romeo and Juliet.

Smaller venues in Ocelotshire are also making noise, including some fantastic theatrical events including The Picture of Dorian Grey from September 18 to September 23 at Watermill Theatre, and You Forgot the Mince at Shoebox Theatre on October 6.

Monday September 1 to Friday September 8 Friday September 1 MUSIC: Steve Knightley 7:30pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham MUSIC: Professor Elemental 8.30pm - Trowbridge Town Hall Saturday September 2 MUSIC: Purple Rain 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN COMEDY: Mrs Barbara Nice 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: Martin and Eliza Carthy 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Mon September 4 to Sat September 9 THEATRE: Ruth Rendell’s A Judgement in Stone Times vary - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Tuesday September 5

CONCERT: Russian State Opera 7:30pm - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Wednesday September 6 MUSIC: Floralyn George 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: The Greatest Love of All 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: Andy Fairweather Low and the Low Riders 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury Thurs September 7 ENTERTAINMENT: Derek Acorah 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN THEATRE: Dust 7pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury MUSIC: Floralyn Goerge 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

Thurs September 7 to Fri September 8 THEATRE: White Feather Boxer 7:30pm - BT Studio at Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Friday September 8 MUSIC: Sky and Earth United 6:15pm - Salisbury City Hall MUSIC: Arrival 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: Unsigned 7:00pm - Trowbridge Town Hall MUSIC: The BeeGee’s Story 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury COMEDY: Jongleurs 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Saturday September 9 MUSIC: Genesis Connected 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre

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The Theatre Guide

Jon Richardson’s Old Man comes to the New Theatre in Oxford Tuesday Sepetmber 26

Saturday September 9 to Thursday September 28 Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: Not the Rolling Stones 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Sunday September 10 MUSIC: The Quo Experience 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN COMEDY: Matt Richardson 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Monday September 11 THEATRE: Great Expectations 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN Mon September 11 to Tues September 12 COMEDY: Stewart Lee 7:30pm - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Mon September 11 to Sat September 16 THEATRE: The Tiger’s Bride 7:30pm - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Tuesday September 12 MUSIC: Peace Train: The Cat Stevens Story 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford Wednesday September 13 MUSIC: Rhydian, Richard and Adam 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: Texas 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford Thursday September 14 MUSIC: The Lock in Remixed 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury Friday September 15 MUSIC: The Magic of Motown 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford MUSIC: Catfish 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

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COMEDY: Sarah Kendall: One Seventeen 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

MUSIC: The Rails 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

Saturday September 16 THEATRE: Dirty Dancing 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

Thurs September 21 to Sat September 23

THEATRE: Impromptu Shakespeare 7.30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: BeeGee’s Story 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford MUSIC: Martin Turner 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Sunday September 17 THEATRE: Tap Factory 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford Monday September 18 MUSIC: All or Nothing the Mod Musical 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN Mon September 18 to Sat September 23 THEATRE: Flashdance Times vary - New Theatre, Oxford THEATRE: The Picture of Dorian Gray Times vary - Watermill Theatre, Newbury THEATRE: The Wipers Times Times vary - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Wednesday September 20 MUSIC: Stevie Nimmo 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Wed September 20 to Fri September 22 THEATRE: Kanye the First 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Thursday September 21 MUSIC: Folk Afoot 7:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

THEATRE: Nocturnes 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot Friday September 22 COMEDY: Lee Nelson 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: Oye Santana 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Saturday September 23 MUSIC: UK Pink Floyd Experience 7:30pm - City Hall, Salisbury THEATRE: Katie Dimbleby: Songbirds 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Monday September 25 THEATRE: Remote Times vary - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Mon September 25 to Sat September 30 THEATRE: Dreamboats and Petticoats Times vary - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN Tuesday September 26 COMEDY: Jon Richardson: Old Man 8:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford Wed September 27 to Sat September 30 THEATRE: Things I Know to be True Times vary - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Thursday September 28 MUSIC: Chas and Dave 7:30pm - City Hall, Salisbury MUSIC: Buddy Holly and the Cricketers 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury THEATRE: All the Things I Lied About 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford MUSIC: The Little Unsaid 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

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The Theatre Guide

In the limelight Theres’s a kaleidoscope of theatre on offer at Newbury’s Corn Exhange, Oxford’s North Wall Arts Centre and New Theatre.

At the Corn Exchange, Theatre Chipping Norton presents Sherlock Holmes and the Crimson Cobbles - a hilarious caper delivered at breakneck pace for adults and family audiences. September 26, £15 (Conc £13) under 25s £8.

And on October 12, award-winning comedy duo LipService celebrates the 200th commemoration year of Jane Austen with their affectionately irreverent tribute Mr Darcy Loses the Plot. Tickets £17 (Conc £15) On November 14 and 15 the Corn Exchange will stage Finding Joy - Vamos Theatre’s wordless puppetry production tells the true story of a teenager’s decision to care for his grandmother with dementia, with humour, poignancy, and warmth. Tickets £15 (Conc £13) under 25 £8.

Oxford’s North Wall Arts Centre will be showing Kanye the First from September 20 - 22.

Sam Steiner’s first commissioned play is a dazzlingly funny and original drama about identity, guilt, contemporary culture and the second coming of Kanye West.

Tickets £14 (Conc £12, Members £10) And on September 28, the Arts Centre will stage All the things I lied about - in a comic exploration of her past mistakes and inevitable future disasters, Katie Bonna unpicks how everyday lies can lead to a world of Trump and Brexit. A fearlessly honest show for the post-truth era. Tickets £14 (Conc £12, Members £10) Growth - a comedy about

Hold onto your bonnets! Mr Darcy Loses the Plot

growing up by Luke Norris is being staged on October 4.

Tobes is young, free and having a ball. Off. He’s successfully ignored his lump for two years but it’s starting to get in the way.

So now there are pants to be dropped, and decisions to be made… It’s a real ball ache.

Winner of a prestigious Fringe First Award at the 2016 Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Growth embarks on its second national tour. Tickets £13 (Conc £9) And on October 5 and 6, Education, Education, Education comes to the North Wall Arts Centre.

It’s May 1997. Tony Blair has won the election and Katrina and the Waves have won Eurovision.

Channel 5 is a month old. No one knows who Harry Potter is. Britain is the coolest place in the world.

At the local secondary school it’s a different story. Miss BelltopDoyle can’t control her year 9s, Mr Pashley has been put in charge of a confiscated Tamagotchi and for some unknown reason Princess Anne is attending the Year 11 leavers’ assembly. Tobias, the German language assistant, watches on. Things can only get better.

Tickets £16 (Conc £13, Members £10) The Secret Keeper, by Angela Clerkin comes to the North Wall Arts Centre on October 28 and is described as a political fairytale for adults - with songs, magpies and a murderous gothic heart.

Developed at the National Theatre Studio the play features four actors playing over 40 characters.

Tickets £14 (Conc £12, Members £10) At Oxford’s New Theatre, Derren Brown will be unleashing his mindbending new show Underground. Being staged on September 8/9, the multi-award winning master of psychological illusion brings together a collection of the best of Derren’s previous stage work. Tickets £29.65 £46.65.

Other highlights include Sharleen Spiteri’s Texas who will be touring their new album on September 13 and comedians Jon Richardson, September 26, Milton Jones, September 28 and Jimmy Carr, October 1.

For more information: www.atgtickets.com/venues/ new-theatre-oxford www.thenorthwall.com cornexchangenew.com

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The Theatre Guide

The Little Unsaid will be sharing their latest and critically acclaimed album at Newbury’s Arling Arts Centre Thursday September 28.

Wednesday September 27 to Tuesday October 10 Thurs September 28 to Fri September 29 THEATRE: Partus Times vary - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

MUSIC: Belinda Carlisle 7:30pm - Salisbury City Hall COMEDY: Jimmy Carr 8:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford

7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd THEATRE: Sherlock 7:30pm - Trowbridge Town Hall

Thurs September 28 to Sat September 30

Monday October 2

THEATRE: You Forgot the Mince 7:30pm - Shoebox Theatre, Swindon

THEATRE: Instructions for Border Crossing 7:30pm - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford

COMEDY: Steve Bugeja 7:30pm - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford

MUSIC: Elles Bailey 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

Friday September 29

MUSIC: Suzanne Vega 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

COMEDY: Jimmy Carr 8:00pm - Oasis Leisure Centre, Swindon

THEATRE: Loot 7:30pm - Watermill Theatre, Newbury

COMEDY: Rob Brydon 8:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford

Tuesday October 3

Saturday October 7

MUSIC: Islands in the Stream 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

MUSICAL: Totally Tina 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

THEATRE: Sherlock Holmes and the Crimon Cobbles 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury COMEDY: Comedy Club 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: Mandolinquents & Friends 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Saturday September 30 THEATRE: Much ado About Puffin Times vary - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford MUSIC: Abbamania 7:30pm - Neeld Community and Arts Centre, Chippenham MUSIC: One Night of Queen 7:30 - New Theatre, Oxford

Wednesday October 4

THEATRE: You Forgot the Mince 7:30pm - Shoebox Theatre, Swindon

THEATRE: Growth 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

THEATRE: Thinking Drinkers 8:00pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

Thursday October 5

COMEDY: Tom Allen: Absolutley 8:00pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham

THEATRE: A Dolls House 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: Miles Hunt and Erica Nockalls 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Thurs October 5 to Fri October 6

MUSIC: Apollo Big Band 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury

THEATRE: Tipping Point 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

MUSIC: Big Boy Bloater and the Limits 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

THEATRE: Education Education Education 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

Sunday October 1

Thurs October 5 to Sat October 7

THEATRE: Shackleton 11:00am - Trowbridge Town Hall

THEATRE: Private Lives 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

FAMILY EVENT: Owl and the Pussycat Times vary- Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot MUSIC: Big Beat Little Feet: David Gibb 3:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

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Friday October 6 THEATRE: Effie’s Burning 7:15pm - Salisbury Arts Centre

Sunday October 8 MUSIC: Shane Filan 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: The Younguns 7:30pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford COMEDY: Nina Conti : In Your Face 8:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford Monday October 9 THEATRE: My Beautiful Black Dog 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Tuesday October 10 MUSIC: Roy Wood 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

MUSIC: Samswara

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Something to shout about! Lulu will be taking her tour to Salisbury’s City Hall Thursday October 19

Wednesday October 11 to Monday October 23 Wednesday October 11

7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury

8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

THEATRE: RSC Live: Coriolanus 7:30pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury

MUSIC: Electric Strawbs 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

Friday October 20

THEATRE: In Our Hands 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

ENTERTAINMENT: Paul Zerdin 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

MUSIC: Someone Like You 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

COMEDY: The Thinking Drinkers 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd

Wed October 11 to Sat October 14

Sunday October 15

THEATRE: People Places and Things Times vary - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford

FAMILY: Goblins Peter and the Wolf 2:00pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

Thursday October 12

MUSIC: Marc Almond 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

MUSIC: Jackson: Live in Concert 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: An Evening With Hazel O’Connor 7:30pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham THEATRE: Mr Darcy Looses the Plot 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury Friday October 13 MUSIC: The Illegal Eagles 7:30pm - City Hall Salisbury MUSIC: Singalong Dirty Dancing 7:30pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury MUSIC: Kathryn Rivers and Sean Lakeman 8:00pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

COMEDY: Sofie Hagen 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Tuesday October 17 MUSIC: Midge Ure : The Christians Altered Images 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford THEATRE: Testosterone 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

COMEDY: Jongleurs 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: Martin Simpson 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Saturday October 21 FAMILY: Plain Bob 10:30am - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford FAMILY: A Strange New Space 2:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford COMEDY: Murder she didn’t write 7:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

MUSIC: The Pretenders 7:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford

THEATRE: Loot 7:30pm - Watermill Theatre, Newbury

Wed October 18 to Sun October 22

MUSIC: Whole Lotta Led 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

MUSIC: The Cavern Beatles

MUSIC: Zervas and Pepper

MUSIC: Remi Harris Trio 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

MUSIC: Stand by Me 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury

MUSIC: Into The Shadows 7:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd

MUSIC: Shane Filan 7:30pm - City Hall Salisbury, Salisbury

FAMILY/THEATRE: Much Ado about Puffin Times vary - Shoebox Theatre, Swindon

MUSIC: Hugh Cornwell 7:30pm - Neeld Hall Chippenham

Wednesday October 18

MUSICAL: Salos - Legally Blonde Times vary - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Thursday October 19 MUSIC: The Australian Pink Floyd Show 7:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford MUSIC: Lulu 7:30pm - City Hall, Salisbury MUSIC: John Illsley 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd COMEDY: Kerry Godliman: Stick or Twist 8:00pm - Neeld Hall Chippenham

Saturday October 14

THEATRE: Antigone 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

Sunday October 22 MUSIC/FAMILY: Musicians of Bremen 2:00pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot MUSIC: Wishbone Ash 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Monday October 23 FAMILY: The Night Pirates 12:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN FAMILY: Michael Morpurgo’s King Arthur 2:00pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

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Take a ride to Oxford’s Playhouse Mon October 30 or Tues October 31to see Driving Miss Daisy

Tuesday October 24 to Monday November 6 Tuesday October 24 THEATRE/FAMILY: The Three Musketeers 2:30pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham MUSICAL: Son of a Preacher Man 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford MUSIC: Fairpoint Convention 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury Tues October 24 to Sat October 28 THEATRE: Rita Sue and Bob Too Times vary - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford Wednesday October 25 COMEDY: Paul Chowdhry 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN THEATRE: Under Milk Wood 7:30pm - Watermill Theatre, Newbury MUSIC: Maneli Jamal and Jon Hart 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Thursday October 26 MUSIC: John Mayall 7:30pm - Salisbury City Hall MUSIC: Swing Time 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot MUSIC: Hugh Cornwell 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Friday October 27 FAMILY: Sid’s Show 2:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: Faith - George Michael Legacy 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN THEATRE: The Way I Look 7:30pm - Shoebox Theatre, Swindon COMEDY/FAMILY: Sing a Long Rocky Horror 7:30pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham

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MUSIC: Fara 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford MUSIC: Live Wire 8:00pm - City Hall Salisbury, Salisbury COMEDY: Steve Bugeja 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: The Music of Bob Marley 8:00pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot MUSIC: Mark Morris 8:30pm - Trowbridge Town Hall Saturday October 28 FAMILY: Little Red Riding Hood 11:00am - Watermill Theatre, Newbury MUSIC: From the Jam 7:00pm - City Hall, Salisbury THEATRE: Sherlock Holmes and the Crimson Cobbles 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot COMEDY: Nick Helm 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd THEATRE: The Secret Keeper 8:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Sunday October 29 THEATRE: Songs that won the War 2:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: The Magic of Motown 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN COMEDY: Joel Dommett 8:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford Mon October 30 to Tues October 31

THEATRE: Under Milk Wood 7:30pm - Watermill Theatre, Newbury Wednesday November 1 THEATRE: No Petticoats Here 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot Thursday November 2 MUSIC: Sorana Santos 7:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford THEATRE: Dirty Dusting 7:30pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury Thurs November 2 to Sat November 4 THEATRE: Kennet Opera’s The Marriage of Figaro Times vary - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Friday November 3 MUSIC: An Evening With Lionel 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon COMEDY/THEATRE: Austentatious 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd COMEDY: Jethro 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN Saturday November 4 THEATRE: Joan 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot Sunday November 5 THEATRE: The Curious Adventures of Pinocchio 3:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

THEATRE: Driving Miss Daisy 7:30pm - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford

MUSIC: Jools Holland and his Rhythm & Blues Orchestra 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

Tuesday October 31

Monday November 6

THEATRE: Not About Heroes 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didco

MUSIC: Collabro 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

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The Theatre Guide

Prepare for an intoxicating evening with The Thinking Drinkers, schmoozing their way through Didcot, Newbury, and Swindon

Tuesday November 7 to Friday November 24 Tuesday November 7

7:30pm - Salisbury City Hall

MUSIC: Alison Moyet 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

MUSIC: Richard Digance 7:30pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham

MUSIC/THEATRE: Elaine Paige 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

MUSIC/COMEDY: That’ll be the day 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

THEATRE: Rum in the Gravy Boat 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

THEATRE: The Secret Keeper 7:45pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury

Tues November 7 to Wed November 8

MUSIC: Bernie Marsden 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbur

THEATRE: Shakespheare Schools Festival 7:00pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury Wednesday November 8 MUSIC: John Mayall in Concert 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford MUSIC: The Solid Gold Rock and Roll Show 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN THEATRE: The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot THEATRE: Western Players 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Thursday November 9 MUSIC: Thank you for the Music 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: Whitney Queen of the Night 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford Friday November 10 MUSIC: Martha Reeves and the Vandellas 7:00pm - Salisbury City Hall MUSIC: Dr Hook FT Dennis Locorriere 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford MUSIC: Midge Ure, The Christians and Altered Images

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Saturday November 11 MUSIC: Oysterband 7:00pm - Salisbury City Hall MUSIC: Kathryn Ryan Glitter Room 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford THEATRE: Western Players 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Sunday November 12 MUSIC: The Sensational 60’s Experience 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN Tues November 14 to Wed November 15 THEATRE: Finding Joy 7:30pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury Thursday November 16 MUSIC: Shalamar 7:00pm - Salisbury City Hall MUSIC: Kathryn Roberts and Sean Lakeman 7:30pm - Trowbridge Town Hall

COMEDY: Jason Byrne 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN Saturday November 18 MUSIC/THEATRE: Bobbi’s Academy of Dance 6:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN MUSIC: The King is Back 7:00pm - Salisbury City Hall COMEDY: The Thinking Drinkers 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Sat November 18 to Sun November 19 MUSIC/THEATRE: Tanwood Youth Theatre Times vary - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Sunday November 19 MUSIC/THEATRE: Kentwood Cracker 6:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN COMEDY: Henning When: Westphalia is not an Option 7:30pm - Salisbury City Hall Tuesday November 21 COMEDY: Daniel Sloss 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Tues November 21 to Wed November 22 THEATRE: Russian State Ballet 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN Thursday November 23

COMEDY: Stephen K Amos 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

COMEDY: Ed Byrne 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

Friday November 17

Friday November 24

MUSIC: Case Hardin 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

THEATRE: Jack and the Beanstalk 7:00pm - Oxford Playhouse, Oxford

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Dark comedy date Joe Orton’s scandalous black comedy is being performed uncut for the very first time at The Watermill Theatre.

This year the theatre is celebrating fifty years as a professional producing house.

From a converted mill in the countryside near Newbury, it has developed a reputation as one of Britain’s leading regional theatres and creates work that is admired around the world.

This Autumn, The Watermill’s anniversary celebrations continue with a bold new production of Joe Orton’s award-winning dark comedy Loot.

Dubious morals and raucous humour collide in Joe Orton’s scandalous black comedy, which tells the story of two friends who stash the proceeds of a bank robbery in an occupied coffin, attempting to hide their spoils from the attentions of a psychopathic policeman, a golddigging nurse and a grieving widower.

Originally falling foul of the censor’s pen, elements of Joe

Orton’s original script were judged too outrageous and banned by the Lord Chamberlain.

This is the first time that the play will be performed uncut, with the original text placed at the heart of the action.

A darkly comic masterpiece, Loot is directed by Michael Fentiman, whose credits include acclaimed productions of Titus Andronicus and The Taming of The Shrew for the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Following a run at London’s

Wonderful Wyvern line-up A host of events will be taking place at Swindon’s Wyvern Theatre this Autumn.

September highlights include performances by singer and harpist Floralyn George who will be playing songs from her debut EP “When light falls asleep”. And TV psychic Derek Acorah will also be demonstrating his ‘abilities’ this month. TS theatre will be staging a production of Great Expectations and Countryfile’s Adam Henson will also pay a

visit to answer questions from the audience and address rural issues.

Other hot tickets include Katie Price AKA Jordan, and comedians Tom Stade and Milton Jones. In October, the Wyvern will host singing legend Lulu, as well as comedians Jerry Sadowitz and Jimmy Carr. Neighbours legend and singer Jason Donovan will also visit the Wyvern at the end of October. For more information log on to swindontheatres.co.uk

Park Theatre, Orton’s farcical text will be performed at The Watermill, five decades after the play shocked and delighted audiences on its premiere. Loot opens at The Watermill on Thursday 28 September and runs until Saturday 21 October. To find out more information and to book visit watermill.org.uk or call the box office on 01635 46044.

Tickets £26.50 to £15.

Please note, this production contains some female nudity.

Parental discretion advised.

Who’s in the house?

Among the acts to grace Oxford’s playhouse over the next few months are comedians Stewart Lee and Simon Amstell and Jenny Eclair.

Other highlights include a production of The Wipers TImes

by Ian Hislop and Nick Newman; a staging of Shakespeare’s As You Like It; and, in the original Greek, Bacchae by Euripides.

For more information on these or other acts at the Oxford Playhouse or to buy tickets, log in to www. oxfordplayhouse.com

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A festive favouite for all the family! A Christmas Carol comes to Oxford, Chippenham, Swindon, and Trowbridge this December

Friday November 24 to Saturday December 9 MUSIC: Soul II Soul 7:30pm - Salisbury City Hall THEATRE: Churchill 7:30pm - Trowbrige Town Hall MUSIC: T.Rextasy 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN THEATRE: What Once Was Ours 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot COMEDY: Jongleurs 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Saturday November 25 THEATRE: What Once Was Ours 7:30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

Wednesday November 29 THEATRE: WNO - From the House of the Dead 7:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford Thursday November 30 THEATRE: A Spooky Christmas 7:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd THEATRE: WNO - Eugene Onegin 7:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford Friday December 1 FAMILY/THEATRE: Beauty and the Beast 7:00pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury

MUSIC: Salisbury Symphony Orchestra 7:30pm - Salisbury City Hall

COMEDY: Comedy Club Christmas Special 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN

MUSIC: The Wurzels 7:30pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham

MUSIC: Moulettes 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

THEATRE: Ruby Confue 8:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd

Fri December 1 to Sat December 2

MUSIC: Soiree: an evening of Chanson 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

THEATRE: Die Fledermaus Times very - New Theatre, Oxford

Sunday November 26

MUSIC: Oklahoma Times very - Salisbury Arts Centre

THEATRE: Mrs Gerrish’s Rear Window 3:00pm - Trowbridge Town Hall

THEATRE: A Spooky Christmas 7:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd

MUSIC: Sunday Sessions the Bluejays 3:00pm - Watermill Theatre, Newbury

Saturday December 2

Monday November 27 CONCERT: Lau 8:00pm - Marlborough Town Hall Tuesday November 28 THEATRE: WNO - Eugene Onegin 7:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford Tues November 28 to Thur November 30 MUSIC: Oklahoma 7:30pm - Salisbury City Hall

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THEATRE: A Christmas Carol 7:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford THEATRE: Peter Pan 7:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Theatre Square, Swindon SN1 1QN Sunday December 3 FAMILY/THEATRE: The Little Match Girl 2:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd THEATRE: A Christmas Carol 4:00pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham

THEATRE: A Christmas Carol 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Monday December 4 MUSIC: Bananarama 7:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford Wednesday December 6 THEATRE: A Christmas Carol 7:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Thursday December 7 THEATRE: Nativity 7:30pm - Watermill Theatre, Newbury Friday December 8 THEATRE: A Christmas Carol 7:00pm - Trowbrige Town Hall MUSIC: Peter Hook and the Light 7:00pm - Salisbury Arts Centre COMEDY: Del and Rodney 7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon MUSICAL/THEATRE: Vienna Festival 7:30pm - Neeld Hall, Chippenham MUSIC: The Sensational 60s Experience 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford Saturday December 9 FAMILY/THEATRE: Amongst the Stars 11:00am - New Theatre, Oxford MUSIC: The Two Tone Tribute Tour 7:00pm - Salisbury Arts Centre THEATRE: Swindon Rectical Series 7:30pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: Chris Rea 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford MUSIC: The Songs of Nick Drake 8:00pm - Trowbrige Town Hall CABARET: A Christmas Cabaret 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon

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Curtain raisers Harold Pinter’s Betrayal is being staged at the Salisbury Playhouse on September 7 - 23 Jerry is a literary agent; Emma runs an art gallery; Robert is a publisher. Emma and Robert are married and Jerry is Robert’s best friend, but Emma and Jerry have a seven-year affair and Robert has secrets of his own.

Harold Pinter’s clever and witty portrayal of deception and desire was inspired, in part, by the writer’s affair with BBC presenter Joan Bakewell. The original production won the Laurence Olivier Award for Best New Play. Tickets £11 - £27.

Also running at the Playhouse is Girls - a play about three women who are good friends.

But when they’re kidnapped from home, their world is turned upside down. A funny and fiercely passionate new play about enduring friendship, the power of imagination. Tickets £13 (under 25s £9).

An adaptation of Jules Verne’s Around the World in 80 Days is being staged at the Salisbury Playhouse on October 2 - 7.

Theresa Heskins’ celebrated production features a hugely talented cast of eight playing more than 125 characters in this imaginative, high-spirited escapade that includes six trains, five boats, four fights, three dances, two circus acts and an elephant! Tickets £12 - £27.

Oxford’s Old Fire Station is hosting the world’s first live action text-based adventure game on September 8.

The Dark Room blurs the lines between comedy and a game show, giving the audience the chance to play as contestants -

Team Viking showing at the Old Fire Station and inset, the cast of Girls - showing at Salisbury Playhouse

calling out the options presented to them to shape the action.

Originally an interactive YouTube game, the Dark Room went viral and attracted more than 4 million views. Comedian John Robertson then transformed the game into a live show, and so far, has enjoyed sell out shows at Insomnia Gaming Festival, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, EB Games Expo and MCM Comic Con. Tickets £12 (Conc £10).

And on September 14, The Old Fire Station hosts Team Viking - The remarkable, hilarious, heart-lifting and outlandish story of how a last wish for a viking burial was granted.

Originally developed at the

Vaults Festival where it won the Origins Award, Team Viking was one of the runaway hits of the 2016 Edinburgh Festival, combining storytelling, music and comedy-theatre to rave reviews.

Tickets £12 (Conc £10) Kindertransport, running from October 25 - 28, is Diane Samuel’s award-winning play which examines the life of a Kindertransport child, during World War II and afterwards, and the agony of separating a child from her mother in an act of sacrifice that also wreaks devastating results.

Tickets £14 (Conc £12) For more information log on to www.salisburyplayhouse.com oldfirestation.org.uk

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Christmas dinner and a show! Get festive with the Flaming Feathers’ Cabaret at Swindon’s Wyvern Theatre Saturday December 9 at 8:00pm

Saturday December 9 to Saturday January 27 Sunday December 10 THEATRE: Amongst the Stars Times vary - Neeld Hall, Chippenham COMEDY: Milton Jones is out there 7:30pm - Salisbury Arts Centre Wednesday December 13 THEATRE: Warhorse 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford Thursday December 14 FAMILY: Santa Clause the Magical Journey 2:00pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd MUSIC: Mandlinquent’s Christmas Special 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury MUSIC: Slade 8:00pm - Salisbury Arts Centre Friday December 15 FAMILY/THEATRE: The Nutcracker and the Mouse King 7:00pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot MUSIC: Steeleye Span in Concert 8:00pm - Salisbury Arts Centre Saturday December 16 MUSIC: That’ll be the Day 7:30pm - Salisbury Arts Centre COMEDY: Comedy Club Christmas Special 8pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Wednesday December 20 FAMILY: Kids Winter Neverland Party 11am - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Thursday December 21 MUSIC: Ultimate Buble at Christmas 9pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Saturday December 23

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THEATRE: Abominable Snowman 11:00am - Trowbrige Town Hall

7:30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon

FAMILY/THEATRE: Amongst the Stars 11:00am - New Theatre, Oxford

MUSIC: Icons of the 80’s 12:00am - New Theatre, Oxford

Sunday December 24 FAMILY: Santa Clause : Magical Journey 2pm - Swindon Arts Centre, Devizes Rd Saturday December 30

Thursday January 18

Saturday January 20 THEATRE: Vampires Rock - The Ghost Train 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

FAMILY/THEATRE: The Nutcracker and the Mouse King 7:00pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot THEATRE: Warhorse 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

Sunday January 21

Sunday December 31

Wednesday January 24

THEATRE: Peter Pan 7:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon

THEATRE: Hanna 7:00pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

FAMILY/THEATRE: Beauty and the Beast 7:00pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury

Wed January 24 to Thurs January 25

MUSICAL/THEATRE: Johann Strauss Gala 3:00pm - New Theatre, Oxford COMEDY: Sarah Millican 8:00pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon

Monday January 1

FAMILY/THEATRE: Peppa Pigs Adventure Times vary - New Theatre, Oxford

FAMILY/THEATRE: Beauty and the Beast 7:00pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury

Thursday January 25

Saturday January 6 MUSIC: The Chicago Blues Brothers 7:30pm - New Theatre, Oxford Sunday January 7 FAMILY/THEATRE: Beauty and the Beast 7:00pm - Corn Exchange, Newbury Monday January 8 THEATRE: Trowbridge Arts Youth Company 6pm - Trowbrige Town Hall

MUSIC: Alvin Youngblood Harts The Musical 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Friday January 26 MUSIC: The Kast off Kinks 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury Saturday January 27 MUSIC: Paul Jones and Dave Kelly 8:00pm - Arlington Arts Centre, Newbury

Mon January 8 to Wed January 10 MUSICAL/THEATRE: Russian State Ballet of Siberia’s Snow Maiden Times vary - New Theatre, Oxford Saturday January 13 MUSIC: Talon - Best of the Eagles

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Litfest

Book your place

Marlborough’s LitFest 2017 programme is bursting with great names, overflowing with events and buzzing with activities this year.

Among the big names are Will Self - who will be appearing at the Town Hall on September 29.

He is author of more than twenty books including novels, short stories and non-fiction.

In 2008 he won the Bollinger Everyman Wodehouse Prize and his recent novel Umbrella was shortlisted for the Man Booker. His latest, Phone, the final in the trilogy, is a satirical examination of how we have become constrained by the very technologies that promised us liberation.

Also taking part is Frank Gardner OBE - the BBC’s full time security correspondent as well as a territorial army officer and highly successful author.

In 2004 he was shot by terrorists and paralysed for life.

He was educated at Marlborough College and then Exeter University, from where he gained a BA in Arabic and Islamic Studies.

As well as serving in the Royal Green Jackets and Regular Army Reserve, Frank worked in oil and investment banking before joining the BBC. Frank is author of two non-fictional accounts of his travels, particularly in the Middle East.

His first novel, Crisis, was published in 2016 and became an instant bestseller. His latest fictional work is Ultimatum which will be published in November.

Another heavy hitter is best

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Will Self and upcoming poet

Kayo Chingonyi selling author of The Cloud Atlas and The Bone Clocks, David Mitchell.

He is also co-translator of Naoki Higashida’s autism memoirs The Reason I Jump, Fall Down 7 Times, Get Up 8.

Mitchell’s novels reflect the fact that stories are made out of perspectives on events rather than the events themselves.

They frequently cross time zones, locations, viewpoints and genres. Thriller, ghost story, science fiction, love story, fairytale may co-exist within a single book.

Twice shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize, he was named one of the most influential people in the world by Time Magazine in 2007.

Among the other authors featured are poet Kayo Chingonyi, biographers Edmund Gordon, Craig Brown and Keggie Carew, young authors Daniel Shand and Xiaolu Guo.

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Litfest

ce for LitFest 2017

BBC security correspondent Frank Gardner and young author Xiaolu Guo

FACTFILE

The Marlborough Literature Festival takes place on 28 September – 1 October.

For a full line up and more information log on to www. marlboroughlitfest.org/events

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The Ocelot Comedy Night

We’re bringing l On Thursday September 21 the much loved Ocelot Comedy Night will be returning to The Vic in Swindon. The free event will feature five comedians to get you chuckling in the aisles. It all kicks off at 8pm (with the comedians starting at 9pm). We recommend getting there early to make sure you get a seat. Bring it on!

The Middle Acts These are the two middle acts. The up and comers that you probably haven’t seen before. There be comedy gold in them there hills...

Robert Oldham

The Compere Pete Phillipson

Originally from Lincolnshire but based in Manchester Pete has been building a name for himself on the circuit as a very funny act over the last few years.

Mixing fast paced observations and routines with wonderful characterisations Pete wears his comedy heart on his sleeve leaving the audience in hysterics at his misfortunes and frustrations with the minutiae of everyday life.

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This comedian is straight out the box but has already been making a name for himself with his show ‘Buttnik’.

Prepare for funniness, witticisms and jokes that actually might make you think about stuff. Comedy that is a bit off the rails but delivers the laughs. See him now before he gets big.

Michael Hackett

Michael Hackett’s comedy is a playful mixture of insightful stories packed with hilarious truisms and observational humour. As a 6ft 8ins official giant with a bizarre background, he talks about everything from being an outcast in a French clown school, trying to provide Botox in beauty salons to arguing with his Latino girlfriend....

This guy is already big in comedy. Literally.

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The Ocelot Comedy Night

g laughter back The Opening Act Yuriko Kotani

Yuriko Kotani is the Japanese comedian who was named as “One To Watch”

by Time Out in 2015.

She went on to become first runner up in So You Think You’re Funny? and won BBC Radio New Comedy Award 2015.

Yuriko’s blend of tightly scripted off-beat punchlines and disarming persona has been delighting audiences in comedy clubs across the UK. You’ll be able to catch Yuriko fresh back from her sell-out Edinburgh Festival show called “Yuriko Kotani: Green in English, Blue in Japanese”.

She has supported Joe Lycett, Rob Delaney and Puppetry of the Penis on their tour.

In 2016 she appeared on series 2 of Russell Howard’s Stand Up Central.

The comedian is described by Time Out magazine as a ‘leftfield rising star’ - which is nice of them!

The Headliner Geoff Whiting

Described as one of Britains funniest men by The Radio Times in 2013, Geoff Whiting is a pretty recognisable face on the comedy circuit.

Geoff Whiting is an established and popular compere, as well as a strong and versatile act. He has appeared at the Edinburgh Festival, on television and radio and at every notable comedy club in the UK. He is one of only a handful of comics worldwide to have performed stand up comedy in a pod on the London Eye (for ‘The One Show’ BBC1) and was the first English Speaking comic to ever perform at Club 99 in Bucharest, Romania in 2010.

Geoff is now the resident MC for ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ contestant show case gigs at the Hen and Chickens in Islington each year, he has hosted these shows in front of the producers of BGT for the past two years.

He has also been the resident MC at the Guernsey Comedy Festival since its inception 11 years ago and on top of this he is also resident MC at Eden Comedy in Malta.

He has supported Michael McIntyre, Harry Hill, Dara O Briain, Omid Djalili, Lee Mack, Russell Howard, Lee Nelson, Russell Kane, Ross Noble, Rhod Gilbert, Milton Jones, Micky Flanagan, Sean Hughes, Arthur Smith, Noel Fielding, Hal Cruttenden and Lee Hurst.

This guy has some pedigree.

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Follow the trail Celebrating the wealth of creative talent in North West Wiltshire, the Peacock Art Trail is unexpected, beautiful, challenging, even amusing.

This emerging arts trail features open studios, opportunities to take part, as well as a wealth of exhibitions and events.

The Peacock Arts Trail will be shaking its colourful tail feathers from 30 September – 8 October; celebrating the wealth of creative talent on offer in North West Wiltshire, just East of Bath.

With more than 60 Open Studios and exhibitions to visit in and around the beautiful town of Corsham, including six venues at Box, this free event is a wonderful way to support local artists and craftspeople, as well as experiencing some fantastic art.

A whole rainbow of mediums is represented from crochet to fine art; photography to carpentry; jewellery making to sculpture. There is something to please all tastes; traditional, modern, unexpected, beautiful, challenging, cute and even amusing.

Organiser Leonora Martin

said: “This year’s Peacock Trail is bigger and better than ever before. I’m looking forward to chatting with the makers; discovering intriguing studios; visiting exhibitions by local art groups; browsing for Christmas gifts and maybe making something myself… I might have to sample some of the homemade cake, that’s sometimes on offer, to keep my energy up!”

Free brochures are also available from Corsham Town Hall and other outlets. For more information visit www.peacockartstrail.co.uk.

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Derren Brown

And, he’s back As Derren Brown prepares for his latest UK tour, he reflects on success, plans for the future and his fear of being overwhelmed.

Q: So, Derren, you’re back on the road again. Excited?

Yes - this was supposed to be a year off tour-wise but it hasn’t happened. I’ve been out doing a show in New York as well as Underground in London. It’s all been good fun.

Q: This is the 15th year you’ve toured. Is it still as rewarding?

I enjoy it more each year. This show has been a lot of work to get it to where it is but I’m very happy with it and responses have been great.

Q: If you had to choose, which show would you say you were most proud of?

I’ve put most work into this one, and I’m told by my little team that it’s the best of the lot.

Q: Tell us what you can about UNDERGROUND. Importantly, it comprises of favourite routines from previous shows. It was born from workshopping a ‘best of’ show to take abroad to people who don’t know me. But it gained its own identity and people seem to really enjoy it even though they may have seen some or all of the previous shows from which the material is taken. Plus I guess there are enough surprises for it not to be too familiar. So I decided to tour it, albeit a smaller tour than I would if it were an entirely new show.

Q: Over a million people have seen you perform on stage. Did you ever imagine that kind of popularity when you first performed live?

Ha! No. The first show I performed was a dreadful, structureless, self-indulgent hypnosis show for my fellow students at Bristol.

My mum came up on stage and played along because she felt a bit sorry for me. Luckily I was so enamoured with myself that I couldn’t see how awful it all was. I hope I’ve gained some sort of slither of perspective since.

Q: How difficult was it to put together?

As the material was largely already in place from previous shows, the challenge was to make sure it held together and

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amounted, as we always try to make the shows, to more than the sum of its parts. Strangely, being already familiar with the routines made finding the narrative more difficult than usual. But I also work and write with my creative partners Andrew O’ Connor and Andy Nyman, who together direct the show - and between us we seemed to find what we needed to. It’s a great three-way relationship and very rarely does that ever become overtly sexual.

screen?

Yes it’s about time. I’m starting to think about it but nothing clear yet.

Q: Your book HAPPY has been very well received and many people have said it’s been very helpful in respect to their own growth and selfawareness. Has its success encouraged you to keep writing in a similar vein?

I loved writing it and very much miss it. I’m eager to write something else

Q: We haven’t seen you on television for a while. Any plans for the small

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Derren Brown

in the room! but Happy took three years to write and I don’t want to rush it. But yes, very much so. I’m assembling my thoughts at the moment around a topic I find compelling and we’ll see how it goes.

Q: Finally, your ghost train ride at Thorpe Park is scaring a lot of people. Tell us what scares you!

Most of us live with one of two basic fears: that of abandonment or being overwhelmed. I’m very

much in the latter camp. I like my space and quiet pursuits, and am unhappy when people make demands on me. It means I’m good at avoiding stress but sometimes so good that I don’t really embrace new challenges.

By comparison, someone with a fear of abandonment will tend to move towards stress to try and fix it, and will be prone to anxiety and taking too much on.

I’m the opposite of that, which is why the Stoics (which I write a lot about in Happy) resonated with me so well.

BIOGRAPHY “I am often dishonest in my techniques but I’m always honest about my dishonesty” Born in Croydon in 1971, Derren traces his interest in magic and psychological techniques to childhood, but it was only later at Bristol University, where he studied Law and German that he started to take it seriously.

After graduating, Derren abandoned a career in Law and concentrated on developing his skills at psychological magic.

He was able to pay the bills by combining performing in cafés and bars with a sideline in portraiture. His big break came in 1999 when he was asked by Channel 4 to put a TV show together. The result, Derren Brown: Mind Control, was shown in December 2000, proving an

immediate success. Since then, on stage as well as on TV, Derren has exhilarated audiences world-wide with his unique brand of mind control, suggestion, showmanship and illusion.

His live shows have won him two prestigious Olivier Awards – Something Wicked This Way Comes (2006) and Svengali (2012) - and plenty more nominations. He has played to sold-out houses across the country every year since 2003. His last three UK shows, Infamous, (2013, 2014) and Miracle (2015, 2016) have toured to great success. He recently made his stage debut in New York with Derren Brown: Secret He has also received much praise for his best-selling books, Derren Brown: Tricks of the Mind, Derren Brown: Confessions of a Conjuror and most recently Happy, which have sold over 800,000 copies worldwide.

Derren Brown: Underground comes to the New Theatre Oxford from 8 – 9 September and tickets are on sale.

Tickets can be purchased from the New Theatre box office on George Street, by ringing 0844 871 3020 or by visiting our website at www.atgtickets. com/oxford (phone and internet bookings subject to booking/ transaction fee.)

Calls are charged at 7p per minute, plus your phone company’s access charge. For bookings of 10 or more call 0333 009 5392 (calls are charged at 7p per minute, plus your phone company’s access charge) and for access bookings call 0800 912 6971.

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Wilderness Festival Review

Where the wild

Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips faces an unexpected attack of electric eels on stage Pictures and words by Angus Burnett People find it easy to knock the Wilderness Festival. Stevyn Colgan, a brain from TV’s QI, before a talk in the Idler tent about aliens said ‘All the men are dressed as Nathan Barley, the women are dressed as if they are out of Mad Max’. Everyone understood immediately.

The trouble is, like a lot of things, it’s based on a stereotype.

People can read ‘Walden’ on their iPads before nipping up to the artisanal bread van but it would be unfair to declare that the festival is wholly about that. If you are out on the weekend then you can’t go far wrong spending it at this festival. While festivals try to diversify to broaden their appeal but end up being a confusing mish-

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mash, Wilderness has managed to weave its disparate elements together extremely skillfully and that draws a diverse crowd. One that really seems to enjoy being together. The festival has really relaxed into its groove. It wears its style on its sleeve and encourages its devotees to do the same but it also has substance.

The Idler tent also had talks on evolution, AI and a performance artist who pretends to be a cat, George Galloway, debating about current politics.

Friday saw Robert Plant play his only UK gig of this year. I expected lots of preening and posturing but when he wasn’t singing he was paying rapt attention to the musicianship of his band, The Sensational Spaceshifters. It was a heavy,

bluesy base over which they experimented with world sounds, notably Juldeh Camara’s extraordinary riti playing which joyfully mixed with Justin Sands guitar.

Crystal Fighters headlined the Saturday Night and went down well. The traditional Saturday Spectacular was a high-wire act incorporating bikes being ridden across flaming ropes and a breath-taking headstand.

Local boys, Glass Animals played a stonking set on Sunday with what seems to be becoming their trademark, a pineapple, sitting on a speaker.

Always the crowd-pleasers, singer Dave Bayley climbed into the crowd to go walkabout during ‘Love Lockdown’, their Kanye cover.

Not to be outdone The Flaming

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Wilderness Festival Review

ild things are...

Robert Plant shows us the direction for the Stairway to Heaven Lips saw the GA’s pineapple and raised them. Pineapples on stage were easily outdone on the Sunday night by the sheer gobsmacking, wonderful strangeness that is a Flaming Lips set. I understand the appeal of getting bands to do their classic albums and ‘Soft Bulletin’ is a great album but they would have fared better unfettered, to play what they wanted. Tinsel, gaffer-tape, day-glo pom-poms, explosions of coloured paper, inflatable weird creatures and rainbows and frontman Wayne Coyne’s infectious

Urm.. Scottish Goldman sacks...

zest for life more than made up for it. Shura, playing perky pop songs about awkwardness and Liane La Havas who played a sublime set.

Other musical delights included a Hip-Hop Karaoke. Audience members proved to be great rappers and even those who were not so good, drunk, or both were still loved by the crowd.

The Odditorium, amongst many weird and wonderful delights, had Laura Moody’s cello playing and eccentric singing. A bit like Mary Margaret O’Hara transplanted

back to Victorian times (That’s a good thing).

Nouvelle Vague did a great set of sensual bossa-nova punk & new wave covers. People came together again on Sunday for an emotional celebratory Bowie choir.

Elsewhere, people enjoyed sumptuous food by some of our top chefs, wild swimming, spas, archery and crafts.

Cynical? Then stay away or, better still, give your inner curmudgeon a treat to a glorious weekend that celebrates cultural diversity and unification.

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The Ocelot Presents

The Ocelot Presents... Nick

By Claire Dukes You’ve recently moved to Wiltshire from London.

What brings you to our neck of the woods?

Good fortune. I have quite a few artist friends in the area, and my wife and I would rent one of their converted barns, so it just happened over some time. I’d often visit to get away from London.

Park Stage at Glastonbury. How was that?

Really special. The sun shone, it was Sunday, beautiful crowd. But festival gigs can be quite hectic as there is zero chances for sound checks.

New album out in September. What can we expect from ‘Wake Up Now’?

I feel I have grown as an artist, and the album is about letting go of control and being able to flow freely. I’ve been recording less music in the studio and working with friends to capture something more live and raw. It’s not heavy, it’s about celebrating being alive.

You started out in jazz group Portico Quartet. What drew you to the folk sound?

I wouldn’t say I’m folk. I’ve always sat between genres and what’s intuitive to me - I have a very open approach to music. I’ve always written songs and played guitar. In Portico Quartet I had a strong desire to communicate in song form, something more lyrical and vocal.

So, you’ve sold out in Amsterdam.

I know! It’s amazing.

You travel around quite a bit. Which gig do you hold dearest?

Definitely the King of Bhutan’s birthday party. His

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Mulvey

Kingdom is up in the Himalayas, very remote, and they have really strict borders so the culture hasn’t really been changed.

I played in a local football stadium during their international arts festival, and it was the most appreciative crowd.

You studied art and music in Cuba. What impact did that have on you?

Can I be really honest?

Of course!

I have been asked so many times about my time in Cuba!

I did notice...

(Laughs) Yes exactly. So I’d quite like to move my new album away from that.

Fair enough. On to more important questions. Nick, it’s Friday. What are your plans for the weekend?

I’ve been promoting so much recently with the new album. On Sunday I head to New York City, then New Mexico, and South America. So I will be spending my days at home with my wife and baby. The perfect weekend.

Lastly, I’ve looked at your tour destinations. We just missed you! Any plans to play locally again?

Yeah I did play in Oxford in June, but unfortunately no plans for the rest of the tour, but I would really like to. I’ll let you know.

Nick Mulvey’s latest album ‘Wake Up Now’ is out September 8. facebook.com/nickmulveymusic www.nickmulvey.com

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Gig Monkey

Gig Monkey, AKA Ed Dyer, takes a rummage through the best music released by local artists. If you like the sound of something please check it out Send your reviews to ed@secretchordrecords.com Enrosadira – In Search of Fresh Water (EP) Instrumental progressive music is never easy to review. No lyrics means no obvious story or meaning behind the song, it is all rendered more obtuse.

However, with some examples, this becomes irrelevant as the music does all the talking.

Newbury outfit Enrosadira are most certainly one of these examples. ‘In Search of Fresh Water’ is that rarity (for me) – a progressive record with no words that truly captures the attention and doesn’t drift off into background muzak territory or confusing free-jazz noodling.

It strangely manages to command attention with a habit of constantly changing.

Changing riff, key, time signature, feel. This keeps you guessing, focussing on the shifting, swirling soundscape that comes to surround and envelope you. Of course, the very nature of the music means you spend a fair portion of time slack-jawed at the skill of the musicians, the only distraction from the hypnosis of the music. But this is a minor distraction, this is the sort of record that drags you into its space, and seems very reluctant to let you leave.

So, if you feel a blend of Prog-Rock, Jazz, Math Rock and Psychedelia sounds like a party to you, then get yourself a copy of this for it is a sublime listen – and weirdly, they are the best band I have

ever heard at finishing a track.

Extraordinary endings.

Spunkle – 20th Anniversary EP I am going to have to be honest with this one. I don’t get it. I really, really tried, and I really, really don’t. I consider myself to be very broadminded when it comes to music, but a track like ‘Delicate Chun’, which is described in the accompanying press release as “the journey represented by the sounds emanating from the electrical components in the car, including many that are never heard by its occupants” – so, with no attempt made to put a rhythm or melodic sequence in place you are left with 8 minutes of “sound”. The other two tracks follow similar, if slightly less extreme routes. ‘Adam’ a tribute to Spunkle’s vocalist and top-drawer percussionist Phagus is the straightest track offered, but even its collection of unrelated rhythmic elements is imperceptive and baffling There is a great story behind the release that dates to the golden days of indie labels and mail-order music clubs, but that is rendered fairly pointless pretty quickly by the OTT “cleverness” of the recordings. Maybe I am too stupid to get it, but it doesn’t even seem art to me.

Little Red – Siren Song (Single) Any new release from Oxfords Little Red has so far been a welcome event, and this single release ahead of their next album

‘Draw Blood’ is a real little gem. Moving on from their trademark layered folk style ‘Siren Song’ strays into a more Americana / country style, swaggering through a clever (as always) blend of voices played out over an equally cleverly realised and atmospheric musical track.

This is the first listen we get of their new, expanded sound, complete with rhythm section, an expansion that works brilliantly well and leaves me excited about the album.

B-side ‘Mr Wolf’ is a live version of one of the standout tracks on last EP ‘The Huntsman’, and a beautiful rendering at that too, even down to the background creaking of floorboards that can be heard. The package as a whole is a fantastic shout for the new record. Can’t wait.

Rain - Petrichor (single) Swindon’s answer to Swervedriver return after a little break with a stunning slice of shimmering shoegaze titled ironically after the earthy smell of the first rain after a spell of dry weather.

This has all the usual hallmarks of the band – fuzzy guitars and hushed vocals sat in the guitar mix, but ups the ante with a more driven rhythm sound that drags the song along with a swagger rooted in a now pounding bass sound.

A step up that has resulted in their strongest tune to date.

I for one cannot wait to hear what comes next. www.theocelot.co.uk

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O2 Academy Oxford

Plug in for ElectrO2

By Ben Fitzgerald There’s an eclectic mix of throwback 80s electro nostalgia, Welsh punk, grime and even one of Poland’s most popular rock bands (certainly in my top three) vectoring in on the O2 Academy Oxford next month.

Emerging out of the early noughties Canadian indie renaissance, if you recall, The Dears quickly cemented their orchestral-pop sound with their acclaimed debut album, End of a Hollywood Bedtime Story. Fast forward 17 years and they return with their latest release, Times Infinity Volume Two. Witness this happening on Thursday 5 October.

And on Friday 6 October, singing cyborg Gary Numan will be squeezing into his red leather jumpsuit (with any luck) and taking to the stage to crank out a shimmering slab of electronica from his highly anticipated album Savage. If this wasn’t enough, The Smyths pay tribute to Mancunian misery merchants The Smiths by staging a live version of Strangeways Here We Come the album The Smiths never got to play live. Bring your gladioli and your baggy jumper along and revel in the glorious pointlessness of it all.

We’ve all got our favourite Polish rock band haven’t we?

And the chances are that Perfect have a place on most people’s lists. Come and see them laying down an array of fan favourites such as Nie płacz Ewka (“Don’t Cry, Eve”) and Autobiografia (“Autobiography”) on Sunday 8 October.

‘Hey’ I hear you ask - It’s been

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Gary Numan - looking a little lost without his car and below, Mr Rodney ‘Roots’ Manuva a decade since the release of The Hoosiers’ breakthrough debut album The Trick To Life… exactly how and when are they going to commemorate the milestone? Well I can tell you; they’re playing the entire album - including classics ‘Worried About Ray’ and ‘Goodbye Mr A’ - as they take to the road for a string of headline shows. See them at the O2 on October 12. Go on, see them.

Need an injection of grime? No worries, award-winning British MC Lethal Bizzle will be headlining on October 19. One of the most prolific, exciting rappers to emerge from the UK underground scene, he’ll be playing a headline show later this year in support of his new, hotly anticipated EP, You’ll Never Make a Million from Grime.

Welsh punk rock outfit, The Alarm, are set to return from a mammoth 48-date USA run to embark on their ‘Viral Black’ UK tour, which will support both Blood Red and its sister album, Viral

Black on 20 October.

And finishing up this frantic month of entertainment is awardnominated Rodney Smith, better known as Roots Manuva. Not only has this pioneering artist worked with the likes of Gorillaz, The Maccabees, Leftfield and many other great artists, but he’s also composed a track for the last series of the critically acclaimed Skins. Be part of the action on 28 October. For more info log on to academymusicgroup.com/ o2academyoxford/

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Academy of Music and Sound

Breaking the sound barrier

By Claire Dukes Applications are open for the Swindon Academy of Music and Sound (AMS) - a further education college designed to help musicians get into the business.

The newly refurbished AMS Swindon offices are based in Milton Road and the facility has state of the art music mixing equipment as well as studios and kit.

The academy, which is part of a multi-national company, is one of six in the country and they picked Swindon as it is central to everything.

Sean Ivens, student recruitment and admissions officer, said: “Our aim is to build up students’ confidence, not just instrumentally but to also prepare them for the climate of the music industry when applying or going into jobs.

“The academy is quite unique for the immediate area, as there’s nothing else quite like it in and around Wiltshire with the opportunities we provide.”

In terms of names, one of most successful students from the Swindon centre has been singer/songwriter Josh Kumra – soon after he graduated from AMS Swindon he was picked up by Sony Records as a professional songwriter. His track ‘Don’t Go’ was picked up by British rapper Wretch 32 and reached No.1 in the UK charts (featuring Josh) in 2011.

Other AMS centres have bred successful students such as Eddy Thrower of Lower Than Atlantis (ex-AMS Southampton) and Tristan Evans of The Vamps (exAMS Exeter).

All of the tutors in Swindon are professional musicians as much as they are music tutors. Current tutors at AMS Swindon include Richard Shaw, guitarist

for British Metal band Cradle of Filth, and renowned UK bass player Kevin Glasgow.

The Academy offers a BTEC Level 3 National Foundation Diploma and National Extended Diploma in Music Performance as well as a Foundation Degree in Music Performance and a Foundation Degree in Music Production amongst other courses.

New for 2018 will be a Masters in Music from January in partnership with London College of Music (LCM) and the University of West London (UWL).

The MMus course is a chance to experiment with ideas, hone both creative and critical skills, plus learn how to work effectively on a wide range of music projects. Students will have the chance to graduate with a large portfolio of work and experience to facilitate your onward career progression.

To get the full list of courses available and to apply for a place visit the website at academyofmusic.ac.uk/ swindon

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Music News Peter Hook tours Joy Division’s Substance Peter Hook and The Light have announced a national tour performing ‘Substance‘ at Salisbury’s City Hall Friday December 8.

Peter Hook and The Light have toured Joy Division and New Order’s albums extensively since debuting ‘Unknown Pleasures‘ back in 2010 with dates all across the world which have been very well received by critics and fans alike. Released in August 1987, ‘Substance‘ is considered New Order’s strongest album. Factory Records’ 200th release featured the bands seminal 12 mixes of their singles as well as versions of ‘Confusion’ and ‘Temptation‘ rerecorded for the LP. Running from ‘Ceremony‘ in 1981 up to ‘True Faith‘ in 1987

(again recorded especially for the album), the set takes in the high points of New Order’s catalogue, including ‘Temptation‘, ‘Thieves Like Us‘, ‘The Perfect Kiss‘ and ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’.

Released the following year in July 1988, Joy Division’s ‘Substance‘ features all the singles which did not appear on

the albums such as ‘Transmission‘, ‘Komakino‘, ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart‘ and ‘Atmosphere‘, as well as their b-sides, tracks from their EP ‘An Ideal For Living‘ and the Factory Records sampler.

Tickets are sold as unreserved as it is an all standing performance with no seating available.

Blues coming to town

Folk duo dip into the past for inspiration For more than 50 years, John Mayall has Captivating new folk duo Dipper Malkin are celebrating the release of their highly anticipated album ‘Tricks of the Trade’ which they will be debuting at Oxford’s Folk Club Friday October 6.

Their beginning was but a whisper, but that whisper has steadily grown to become a clamour over the last year. Dipper Malkin are rapidly earning a reputation for elevating traditional music to new heights of sturdy beauty and sophistication with the release of their first album, ‘Tricks of the Trade’. It is clear that Dipper Malkin realise that they are the lucky benefactors of previous generations’ invention, celebrating their inheritance through every note, whilst avoiding the trap of complacency by offering their own inventions. The album provides a new lease of life for the viola d’amore, an unusual instrument from the baroque period with seven bowed and seven sympathetic strings. www.oxfordfolkclub.com

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served as a pioneer of blues music, rightly earning him the title, ‘The Godfather of British Blues’, and he will performing at Salisbury’s City Hall October 26.

John’s band The Bluesbreakers, launched the careers of many true legends including Eric Clapton, Mick Fleetwood, John McVie, Peter Green and Mick Taylor. John’s captivating and authentic sound is still as vital today is it ever was. Long term collaborator, Texan guitarist Buddy Whittington makes a welcome return to the UK with The Buddy Whittington Band.

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Music News Ex Westlife Shane’s solo return Shane Filan is bringing his latest album Love Always to Swindon’s Wyvern Theatre October 8, and Salisbury’s City Hall October 14.

Back by popular demand, following the enormous success of his last tour Right Here in 2016, Shane Filan is returning across the UK to perform his favourite love songs which feature on his latest album Love Always.

Despite having split from one of the UK’s most beloved boybands Westlife in 2012, Shane is now eagerly anticipating the release of his third solo album. For Love Always Shane took to his fans for inspirational requests which received an overwhelming response and promises to offer a line-up of familiar favourites.

For those concerned about a colossal singalong, Shane, known for his love of writing, has spent time aside creating new material for the tour which features three original tracks. Furthermore, Shane is being joined at both venues by supporting act Guy Sebastian – Australia’s 2003 Idol winner.

They’re Faustus... and furious

Fresh from their debut German tour, folk band Faustus return home for an autumnal UK tour, first stop: Nettlebed Folk Club Monday October 2.

Featuring their latest EP ‘Slaves‘ – the words may have been written in 1840 but it’s as relevent as ever – and ‘Thresherman‘, an ancient ode to the rural poor.Nettlebed Folk Club, Maidenhead, Show 8pm, Tickets £14 adv/£15 door. www.nettlebedfolkclub.co.uk

Blockheads strike out with their rhythm sticks once again!

Starting out as the band behind Ian Dury, The Blockheads are a legendary outfit that has grown in stature from the early days of the Stiff tour in 1977.

The band will be bringing their latest tour to Towersey Festival, Frome, and Oxford.

Rarely off the road since the demise of Ian Dury in 2000, but now with Derek Hussey fronting the band, the Blockheads are still one of the most underrated British bands of all time.

The performance of ‘Spasticus Autisticus’ at the 2012 ParaOlympic Opening Ceremony, and the musical ‘Reasons To be Cheerful’, has seen a resurgence in the band’s popularity over the past couple of years and they

continue to go from strength to strength.

The Blockheads will appear at The Cheese and Grain in Frome Saturday 14 October and Oxford’s O2 Academy Saturday 3 March.

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Gig list Friday September 1

6.30pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

8pm - Level 3, Commercial Road, Swindon

Floralyn George 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Poizin 9pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Friday September 15

Professor Elemental 8.30pm - Trowbridge Town Hall

Wam 9pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Back Garden Light (France) + support 8.30pm - Winchester Gate, Rampart Road, Salisbury

Band to be announced 8.30pm - Winchester Gate, Rampart Road, Salisbury

Felix and The Funk 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon

Rorkes Drift 9pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon

Bossaphonik 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Saturday September 2

Saturday September 9

The Wholls 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxfords

The Are You Listening Summer Party 12pm - Oakford social club, Reading

Chris Murray + Support 8.30pm - Winchester Gate, Rampart Road, Salisbury

Future Perfect Presents: Nadia Reid 7.30pm - The Cellar Bar, Devizes

Broad Town Big Gig 3pm to 10pm - Broad Town Show Field

Slagerij + Orange 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon

Sparky’s Spontaneous Showcase and Spotlight Jam 8pm - The White House, Oxford

Musicians Against Homelessness 7.15pm - The Cellar Bar, Devizes

Saturday September 16

Maracutaya 9pm - The Brewery Tap, Abingdon-onThames Radio Generation 11.30pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney Groove 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Danze Macabre 8pm - Level 3, Commercial Road, Swindon Oxphwoard: B Movies 11pm - O2 Academy, Oxford Motorheadache 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon £6 Sunday September 3 We Are Your Friends 3pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Poetry and Folk Song 7pm - The West Barn, Bradford on Avon Dance A La Plage 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford Tuesday September 5 Singaround 8pm - The Cellar Bar, Bradford on Avon Wednesday September 6 Alvvays 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Wacky Wednesday 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon Thursday September 7 Singers Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham Anybody There? + Opiate 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon Friday September 8 Roddy Woomble

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Rob Tognoni Band 8pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Syntronix 8pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney Johnny’s Sexual Kitchen 9pm - The Brewery Tap, Abingdon-onThames Old Skool Oxford ft Easy Groove 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Mighty Vipers + Gypsy Jukebox 8.30pm - Winchester Gate, Rampart Road, Salisbury Green Date (Green Day tribute) 8pm - The Rolleston, Commercial Road, Swindon Reggae Garden After-party 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon Sunday September 10 The Psychedelic Furs 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Chapter and Verse/Wars 6.30pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Walkway 8pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney Howlin’ Taildraggers 8.30pm - Red Hot Blues Club, Didcot

The Hut People + The August List 8pm - ACE Space, Newbury Tom Williams 8pm - The Jericho Tavern, Oxford Metal-All Dayer 3pm - Winchester Gate, Rampart Road, Salisbury Big Azza and the Jukesters 9pm - The Brewery Tap, Abingdon-onThames Musical Medicane 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Bands and Burlesque with Spidasense + Ichiro + Nemesis + Pixie Noir + + Dommett Noir 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon Tuesday September 19 Singaround 8pm - The Cellar Bar, Bradford on Avon Wednesday September 20

Monday September 11

Wacky Wednesday 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon

Blues Caravan 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Thursday September 21

Tuesday September 12

New Found Glory 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Singaround 8pm - The Cellar Bar, Bradford on Avon

Earinade Album Launch 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Wednesday September 13

Future Perfect Presents: Joy Room 7.30pm - The Cellar Bar, Devizes

SuperGlu/Bad Pop (co headline show) 7pm - The Face Bar, Reading Future Perfect Presents: Fangclub 7.30pm - The Cellar Bar, Devizes Wacky Wednesday 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon Thursday September 14 Singers Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham Pearl Jamm + Special guest The Vooz

Singers Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham The Ocelot Comedy Night with Geoff Whiting + Yukiro Kotani + Robert Oldham + Pete Phillipson - Free entry 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon Friday September 22 Danny and the Champions of the World 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

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Gig List John Verity Band 8pm - The Cellar Bar, Devizes

3m to 7pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Emergency Banter 9pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Lowkey 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Heriot + Homeland 8pm - Level 3, Commercial Road, Swindon

Harbottle and Jonas 8pm - The Cellar Bar, Bradford on Avon

The Pearl Harts + Big Dog 8.30pm - Winchester Gate, Rampart Road, Salisbury

Wednesday September 27

Carpet Crawlers 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

King No One 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Megson 7pm - All Saints’, Farringdon

Labour Appreciation Event with Thirteen Silver Dollars + Over to You + Sarah Ryan 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon

Wacky Wednesday 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon

Saturday September 23

DJ Shadow 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Elvana: Elvis Fronted Nirvana 6.30pm - O2 Academy, Oxford Damn Good Reason 8am to 5pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney Mad Larry 9pm - The Brewery Tap, Abingdon-onThames David Rodigan 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Higher-on Maiden 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon Sunday September 24

Tuesday September 26

Thursday September 28

Micha P. Hinson and the Holy Strangers 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Deborah Bonham + Special Guests 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon Saturday September 30 Allusondrugs 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Future Perfect Presents We Are Not Devo 7.30pm - The Cellar Bar, Devizes The Bite 9pm - The Brewery Tap, Abingdon-onThames Volume vs P30 Feat. Deekline 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Singers Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham

Absolute Stone Roses 7.30pm - Level 3, Commercial Road, Swindon

The Harlers + The Sulks + Shore 8pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon

DJ Q - All Night Long 11pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Friday September 29 Savvy Soul 12am - The Cellar Bar, Devizes

Ghouls + Supports 8.30pm - Winchester Gate, Rampart Road, Salisbury

Rainbow Girls 8pm - ACE Space, Newbury

State of Quo 8.30pm - The Vic, Victoria Road, Swindon

Monthly Blues Jam

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Agony Girl

Ten year old Annabel is retiring this month after six years at the helm.

But she’s still had time to answer your problems. We ask her the questions and these are her answers.... honest!

Dear Annabel, If you could be anything what would you be?

Dave, West Berkshire A cat. Because they are amazing because I love cats. If I was a cat I would run around and I would go wherever I want and then I would get to try their food. I would climb trees. Catch mice. Meow lots. Purr around human legs.

And I would go on massive adventures like my cat Ginny.

Ginny is always going off on adventures. I would be called Pebbles. Actually Ginny.

Dear Annabel, Do you think that in 20 years all of us will be out of jobs because of robots? I mean they could probably do human jobs a lot better than most humans and they’re cleverer and they can work all hours without having to take a break. You can understand why any employer would want a robot instead of a human as human’s get stuck behind tractors on their way to work and have human problems like needing to go to the dentist and stuff. In fact it’s only a matter of time before robots take over the world and we all become slaves to them as they’re just so much better than all of us at doing everything. I think I might be lucky as I can’t ever see my job being done by a robot as I’m a robot impersonator and it’d be hard for a robot to impersonate a robot as that would just be a robot.

What do you think?

QR456WGB, Witney Maybe. I don’t think robots will take over as they could set fire to places if they don’t know what to do properly.

They would end up blowing up the world if Donald Trump hasn’t already done so. Donald Trump is a pooface who should be flushed down the toilet with the other poos.

He’s scary. He’s more scary than robots as the robots I’ve met have all been nice.

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Dear Annabel Is poo a rude word? As someone just said it to me and I didn’t find it upsetting but quite funny as it sounds funny doesn’t it?

Lilith, Reading Yes. Other rude words are doo doo, wee wee, bum bum and fart. Doo doo is the rudest because it means poo poo. My dad sometimes calls me a poo poo face which is really bad. But he mostly calls me plonk but I don’t know if that’s a rude word as I’ve never heard anyone else using it.

Dear Annabel, I’ve just stepped in poo. How can I get it off my shoe?

Christine, Walcot Wash your shoe with soap. And then polish it with shoe polish.

Dear Annabel, I hear it is your last month as Agony Girl. Have you enjoyed it? And what are you going to do next?

Robert, Swindon Yes. I have enjoyed it and the alarms just gone off for dinner so I think I’ll eat dinner. But it was really nice being Agony Girl. I hope that I helped lots of people with their problems except some of the problems were a bit silly and they could have probably helped themselves. My sister Amy is taking over and I know she’ll be brilliant except for if she wants everybody to play with Barbies.

Dear Annabel, Is there anything you’d like to say to people as it’s your last month?

Dad Hello. I don’t know half of you but you seem nice.

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Agony Girl

Some of Agony Girl’s best bits Dear Annabel If you could invite any famous people or even cartoons around for a party who would you invite?

Grant, Wroughton I would invite One Direction, The Simpsons, Peppa Pig, Monsters Inc, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Muppets. But I wouldn’t invite David Marshmallow. Because I don’t really want to meet him. He looks a big marshmallow. I’d only invite him if we ran short of marshmallows as then we’d have something to eat if we ran short. I would also invite Noodle - a spider we used to have in our bathroom. But not really as I don’t like spiders.

Dear Annabel I’m really scared of spiders.

They’re up to something I swear and this summer they seem to have been getting bigger and

bigger. Are they secretly planning to take over the world? And if not how can I get rid of my fear?

Stacey, Newbury TARANTULAS! Don’t think of them.

Think of fluffy bunny rabbits instead. It will stop you being scared and if you hold a spider and they don’t bite you then you won’t be scared of them anymore as you know they won’t hurt. I’ve held a snake, a parrot and an owl.

The owl was very heavy.

Dear Annabel I have been wronged. I have been looked over for a management position at work. Despite being the better candidate and having more experience. But I was dismissed out of hand all because I’m not friends with the boss. I am so mad. How shall I get even?

Mission of vengeance Bruce Lee

style or just work harder?

John, Abingdon He should work hard and say to the boss that he’s worked really hard and that he’s done teamwork and he helped other people. If he still doesn’t get the job he should become Green Lantern..

So long Annabel :(

And introducing the new Agony Girl, Amy, from next month...

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