Ocelot 142 april 2018 final artwork

No: 142 April 2018

Wiltshire, Oxfordshire and West Berkshire

Free

Flour power The art of making bread with Modern Baker p24

A breakfast of champions p23

What's on Ocelot 142.indd 1

Free fallin’ with Swindon Dance p30

Pic by Claire Dukes

We chat to Leader on p34

/ STYLE / EATS / BREWS / SCREEN / TECH 20/03/2018 12:53

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#142 For Starters

APRIL ISSUE

04 The Rant + Luke Coleman 06 Encyclopaedia Oceloticca 08 The Bassett Rivers Echo Lifestyle

10 Get Away 12 Get A Life 14 Style 17 Tech 18 TV 19 Film Brews and Eats

21 Wine not?

22 Brewery Bird 23 The Breakfast Club 24 The Modern Baker 26 Recipe 27 History of Jelly Arts and Culture

29 The Theatre Guide 30 Alchymy Festival 31 Swinge Music

37 Leader 37 Sofar Sounds 38 Gappy Tooth 40 Mother 41 Gig Monkey 42 Music News 44 Gig List The Final Bit of the magazine

46 Agony Girl

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A hive of culture and art

The one thing that always surprises me is just how much is going on. It is enough to blow your mind on most months but this April looks particularly busy for all you culture vultures out there.

In these here pages we’ve got reviews galore including Gappy Tooth in Oxford and Sofar Sounds in Swindon.

But we’ve also got Swindon Fringe Festival in early April where there’s even a special Ocelot Comedy Night on Thursday April 12. Then there’s the Alchymy Festival at North Wall in Oxford. And on top of that we preview two special events at Swindon Dance.

If you want culture you really don’t have to look far this month.

Music-wise we start looking ahead to what is going to be a belter of a festival season with two events that are definitely getting bigger every year - Minety Festival and Lechlade Festival.

But if it’s your stomach that is rumbling and your mouth that is dry then you should really head to our Brews and Eats section where we have reviews galore and even a history of jelly. There’s nothing like getting jelly in your belly.

We also visit some far-flung places in our ‘Get Away’ section as well as look at how technology is taking away our privacy in our Tech section.

Write in to me at jamie@theocelot.co.uk

Jamie Hill

Editor: Jamie Hill - jamie@theocelot.co.uk Deputy: Ben Fitzgerald - ben@theocelot.co.uk Reporter: Claire Dukes - claire@theocelot.co.uk Sales: Dave Stewart dave@theocelot.co.uk - 07872 176999 Rosy Presley rosy@positivemediagroup. press - 07717 501790 Nataley Fryer nataley@positivemedia group.press - 07769 978823 Telephone: 01793 781986 Publisher: Positive Media Group, Unit 3, Arclite House, Peatmoor, Swindon SN5 5YN Printers: Bishops, Portsmouth 20/03/2018 12:53

For Starters

Every avalanche starts with a snowflake

By Jamie Hill I’m a snowflake. A lefty liberal snowflake.

It’s the new buzzword that seems to be thrown around to dismiss someone in a debate as if that person’s opinion does not matter.

It’s meant to be an insult.

It’s meant to imply weakness and softness and prone to childish tantrums.

But the people who generally use it with their bad spelling, grammar and overuse of capital letters tend to be the ones that act in a childish manner by resorting to insults rather than argue their point in a rational and intelligent manner.

They are angry about a world that has left them behind.

They are angry about a world that is more progressive and open-minded.

The snowflakes themselves tend to be more intelligent and know more about their subject matter than the opposing side.

Until the last couple of years I would never have seen myself as a lefty. A liberal yes. A moderate yes. But not a lefty. But now, according to the capital letter using Daily Mail reading mob I’m a lefty snowflake.

I don’t actually mind.

Snowflakes are multi-faceted and complicated. And they are beautiful as they bring about a massive change in our immediate environment.

Okay, us snowflakes don’t help ourselves. As there is a certain hardcore section of the snowflake community who

like to be ‘offended’ by any little thing.

“Kinder eggs have ‘his and her’ eggs rather than being gender neutral. How could they? Why aren’t the toys in the eggs gender neutral.”

The outrage.

Or, should I say, the false outrage at something so trivial as a chocolate egg company having Wonderwoman in pink toys and Batman in blue toys. It doesn’t matter.

All that kind of thing does is create hostility in the anti-snowflake mob and they use extreme examples like this as reasons to not pay attention to real issues like diversification and the gender pay-gap.

It’s called picking your battles.

Also all you extreme snowflakes - stop stifling debate!

Freedom of speech is definitely more important than whether your sensitive ears hear an opinion that you don’t agree with.

But in the main being a snowflake is good. It shows that you have empathy and care about others. That is a good thing. So with that in mind I say “Let it snow!”

Iraq can be intense but it can also be in tents Off The Grid with Luke Coleman - Our man in Iraq Up here in the northern parts of the country we joke that autumn and spring last a day or two, and then it’s into the dull chilliness of winter, or the grinding surface of the sun of summer.

Of course those equinoctial seasons do stretch a little further, and while autumn is pleasant weather-wise, it’s the spring that is blooming marvellous. I’ve waxed pillockal about the verdant hills, fiery festivals and briefly rushing rivers before, so all the better to actually get out in the open, and tell you about this weekend’s camping trip, while the campfire lingers in my hair, and the memories remain untarnished.

Bundled into a couple of the ubiquitous Toyota Hiluxes, the group set a course north east, for Shanidar Cave, site of one of the oldest discovered ritual burial sites.

We parked up with Zagros mountains all around us, a crucible through which a stream coursed the grazing lands.

A large herd of goats came through, and the shepherd knew enough English to point us in the direction of the best

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firewood hauls. Food was grilled, beers were opened, and surprise expressed as nine fairly pissed idiots discovered that it was only eight in the evening, despite our best guesses being nearer midnight.

We pushed on through, sleeping under the stars, only too aware that the weeks pass quickly, and our return trip to summer has begun.

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Science Fact: Deja Vu

Encyclopedia Ocelotica

by Ben Fitzgerald

Deja Deja Vu Vu I may have written about this before - so forgive me if I repeat myself.

Deja vu, the uncanny experience of having already experienced the present, is a phenomenon experienced by more than 70 percent of the population.

The groovily named Swiss scholar Arthur Funkhouser suggests that there are several “déjà experiences” and says that in order to better study the phenomenon, the nuances between the range of ‘deja’ experiences need to be noted.

Deja vu is the feeling of familiarity whereas deja vecu is the feeling of already having lived through something and deja visite can be used to describe the feeling that you have been somewhere before.

Some of the underlying cause of this phenomenon has to be put down to the fact that the person experiencing it has indeed been there before or done that before. I get that feeling almost every other time I watch a film - after all, how many times do you need to reheat Spiderman/ Dukes of Hazzard/ Starsky and Hutch/ Starwars? In fact, the only film that doesn’t seem to have been endlessly remade is

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Groundhog Day. But undoubtedly, a significant proportion of these reported experiences have to have some other underlying cause. Let’s discount any form of precognition because that’s just silly.

One theory is that many of these experiences are a result of cryptomnesia where information previously learned but then forgotten is stored in the brain.

Another interesting theory was put forward in 1963 by American scientist Robert Efron who suggested that deja vu could be caused by dual neurological processing caused by delayed signals to the brain. Incoming signals are processed by the temporal lobe of the brain’s left hemisphere - however signals enter the temporal lobe twice

before processing, one from each hemisphere of the brain. Efron said that if the two signals were not in sync, they would be dealt with as two separate experiences, creating the illusion that the second signal was a re-living of the first.

Other theories fall under the umbrella of dream based explanations, where a situation that has been dreamed about previously then triggers a sense of having experienced that situation before. And even more weirdly, there are other theories that focus on how the ‘present’ we experience is an illusion and that there is significant delay of up to half a second before our brains fully interpret what we perceive as the present - I can vouch for this, especially on a Saturday morning, when my sensory feedback loop can take as long as five minutes. This illusion of living in the present becomes clear (it is suggested) because when we touch a scalding kettle for example, our nervous system shortcuts this system and makes us remove our hand before we have time to even make a conscious decision. Deja vu is experienced as a glitch in this sensory feedback loop.

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Bassett

The

Rivers Scary news for scary times...

Echo

STUDY: Sunglasses linked to being a moron p49

School enters into arms race after teachers are given guns

by Kit Chentable

A ROW has escalated at Bassett Rivers Secondary School after a new ‘teachers are allowed guns’ policy was introduced last month.

The new ‘Assault Weapons for all’ policy sparked condemnation by parents who are now insisting that their children be allowed to carry at least a semi-automatic assault rifle into class in case the teacher goes ‘postal’.

Parent Mia Childsanightmare said: “My little Billy is a right terror and I wouldn’t trust a teacher not to

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fire a steady burst of 100 bullets in his direction if he was making fun of that teacher’s nickname.

“So we, and a lot of other parents as well, have decided that the only safe course of action is to arm little Billy and the other kids just in case his teacher doesn’t like someone writing ‘kick me’ on the back of his jacket as a prank. At least the kids’ll be able to fight back.

“But now I’ve heard that Mr Rogers, the history teacher, is coming to school driving a tank and

that Mrs Slocombe, who teaches home economics, was seen sporting a Honey Badger Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher.”

Headteacher Gary Lawrence said: “There’s no problem here. I might be speaking to you from my fallout shelter but I know that I will be able to get the kids to behave soon as I have a meeting with a Ukrainian dealer next month to try and get some weapons’ grade plutonium. Soon I’ll have the ultimate deterrent. Then they will behave.

Even little Billy - the little shit.”

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New fundraising day to offer ‘Hand Relief’ for thousands Bassett Rivers MP Bane ‘Drive-by’ Bullet’s monthly Column

By Livi Ngroom First we had Comic Relief, and then there was Sports Relief and now a fundraising day hopes to offer ‘Hand Relief’.

The new day launched by Bassett Rivers Care Group is aimed at offering ‘hand relief’ to thousands of carers by giving them ‘Hand Jobs’.

Charity chairman Ivor Nosenseofirony said: “The idea is quite simple. Carers work really hard all throughout the year so on this one day a year on April 1 we are going to give them the best present we could give them ‘Hand Relief’.

“By our fundraisers going out and doing what we call ‘Hand Jobs’ we are hoping to make carers smile across the town.”

But the new fundraising day has run into a couple of snags after it was pointed out that the terms ‘Hand Relief’ and ‘Hand Jobs’ could be considered as quite rude.

Mr Nosenseofirony added: “There are always some naysayers out there who have their minds in the gutter. I’ve

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never heard of ‘Hand Relief’ and ‘Hand Jobs’ as rude things.

“All they are meant to mean is that carers will be given some respite on this ‘Hand Relief’ day and fundraisers will be carrying out much-needed ‘Hand Jobs’ that need doing.

“We’re not going to change the name as the aim of this day is to provide a ‘Happy Ending’ as we’re calling it to thousands of people who might not have had any satisfaction to themselves for a long time.

“We’re not going to rub people up the wrong way and our resolve is stiffened.”

According to the latest figures hundreds of thousands of men have already signed up to the scheme either as fundraisers or recipients.

“It’s really surprised us the massive reaction that we’ve got to this day. I never thought it would be as popular as it has been. We are so touched. And I’m sure the day will be touching a lot of people.

“Next year’s definitely going to be a hard act to follow.”

Dis Brexit ting iz like getting well dull.

Every day dere iz more newz dat iz like talkin’ about stuff dat none of us MPz no nuttin’ about. Dey shuld get some intelligent people 2 sort it out like dat Richard Branson guy or dat really clever rat from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlez.

Now da Americanz led by sum guy called Donut Chump ‘av announced dat dey ‘av ‘ad enuff of da rest of da world and r goin’ to put up a massive wall so dat dey can just pretend dere not in when anyone comez to visit to try and sell dem steel or anyting.

I ‘av dun da same meself especially when da park wardens ‘av cum round 2 me home, which iz a tent in Hyde Park. I just pretend I’m not in until dey go away.

But da Americanz ghostin’ da rest of da world iz like a major deal as all da lot dat wanted Brexit ‘ave kept sayin’ dat Americanz wuld be da one dat we wuld count on to sell all da stuff dat we sell.

Me homie P Diddy Ha Ha Hum noz what dis feelz like az he often triez to sell knock-off DVDz at da Stag n iPod pub back in Bassett Riverz but since he got himself barred he’z after havin’ to travel five milez 2 da I Did Her Inn in Market Hinton 2 sell hiz stuff but den dat pub closed down so he iz left with nowhere to sell ‘is DVDz. It’z just like Brexit.

So dat leavez da UK not bein’ able 2 sell itz stuff 2 its neighbourz in Europe and now not bein’ able to sell itz stuff 2 America.

I’ve only heard of 3 ovva countriez in da world 2 sell stuff to, Africa, Australia and Easter Island and dere all really far away so de’re no good.

Da Government shuld maybe just hold dere handz up to Europe n say sorry guyz but can I be back in your gang az dis goin’ it alone ting izn’t really workin’ out.

I know it worked for Beyonce when she left da Destinyz Child but da UK iz not as cool as Beyonce and needz to stay wiv Destinyz Child..

I mean Europe.

Respect!

20/03/2018 12:53

Get Away

Tight scrapes in far flung places Travel journalist & Lonely Planet author Richard Waters shares his top three brushes with mortality over 15 years’ travel writing.

“

There are two absolutes I think I’ve learnt in the last decade-anda-half of wandering the planet: people are generally decent no matter colour or creed, it is difficult circumstances that corrupt; and wild animals - however cutelooking - are animals.

“

Sinking in a croc-infested river, Borneo Borneo is the world’s third largest island and with its primal forests, one of the wildest; especially in the Indonesian portion of Kalimantan. I found myself sharing a boat with a guide, and two very English gents; one a gallery owner the other a doctor and botanist. As we made our way back down a winding ink-black river having visited an ex headhunting village, our boat snagged on a hidden log and began to take in water. It’s twilight and those bulbous roots dangling over the water are starting to look like severed heads, just as the forest on either side of us is lighting up with a feral audience of eyes. Despite the presence of crocodiles, we’re forced to paddle to the side while the guide tries to patch up our boat. Back on the water half an hour later we strike a rock and the boat goes down.

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s

Get Away Musthing Elephants, Africa Male elephants produce a surge of testosterone which they secrete in a brown ooze. It makes them unpredictable and grumpy. One night I’m camping by the Shire River in Malawi, the groans of hippos nearby, the scuffle of warthogs outside on the lawn. My friend shakes me awake but whispers to be quiet. My head is by the thin gauze window and outside in the light of a burning taper is an elephant’s tusk almost as large as me belonging to the most garagantuan beast I’ve ever seen. He’s burst through the wall in search of fruit, which the monkeys in the fig tree right above are obligingly throwing down at him.

By the look of the dark stuff down his neck I can tell he’s musthing. Those ears are not for show they can hear a great deal more than us and I’m literally inches away, trying not to breathe lest I surprise him and he tears down my cabin like so much wet cardboard.

Bandits, Mexico The Pan-American highway which begins in Colombia and passes through Central America is at its most dangerous in Mexico. Cue a night of being stopped by bandits (never get out of your vehicle - like me, which resulted in being beaten with a rifle butt), then half an hour later my friend and I were stuck in a jungle crossfire between police and guerrillas on a lonely mountain top; then finally, (believe it or not but straight after the police waved us through) being stalked by a mystery car with blazing headlights and revving engine playing cat and mouse with us as the van’s radiator was steaming, the engine overheating, and a yawning abyss a few feet from the road. We were saved by a dry riverbed with a herd of cows on it, behind which we hid the campervan from our pursuer.

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Get a Life

Darkroom Espresso Cycling Club

By Claire Dukes

Usually when looking into activities I like to get involved - it makes for a more honest article, I find. This month my job was pretty much done for me, and I doubt too many people would be interested in reading about my experience on a bike - to cut it short it would involve fag breaks, breaks in general, probably some melodramatic complaining, and getting lost in the countryside.

Stephen Jordan is Darkroom Espresso Cycling Club’s Chairman and has essentially created a social club for people who enjoy cylcing, starting with 4 people and two years later expanding to 50 members. Asking if I fancied getting involved I confessed that I’m more of a bread in basket kind of cycler, as opposed to long distance.

Stephen simply remarked that I don’t strike him as the athletic type - not sure how to take that, but it’s a very fair paint. As opposed to saddling up I fired some questions over to him to find out what this Swindon-based club is all about.

What was the initial idea behind the club?

To create a relaxed, sociable road ride where people didn’t feel any pressure to keep up or get dropped. We just want people to feel relaxed and enjoy being on the bike.

As a member do you get free coffee?

Sadly not but the club loves having the shop as a club house where they can enjoy a pre ride coffee before setting off. It is something that makes our club very unique as most other clubs meet in car parks.

Do you have specific routes you use?

We now have built up about 30 different routes covering four different counties (Wiltshire, Gloucestershire, Berkshire, Oxfordshire).

Why would you encourage people to saddle up?

So many reasons. It gives you a real sense of freedom, I’ve seen some truly wonderful areas, it gets you fit - I have personally lost 4 stone since I started cycling - and I’ve made so many amazing friends.

Is it hard-core cycling, or are there any nice days out with picnics?

There are a lot of clubs out there that focus on hard core cycling. We just like to take it easy and enjoy a nice lunch stop half way round.

How was it decided to merge with Darkroom Espresso?

When I first started at Darkroom, as I cycled and people were allowed to bring bikes into the shop it was suggested by Will (owner of Darkroom Espresso) that it would be a good idea to have cycle rides leaving from the shop and the club grew out of that.

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How has being part of the club benefitted you?

Having people to cycle with makes exercise fun and we all have a great laugh. But for me personally as co-founder and Chairman it has presented me with a lot of challenges that I would have never come across otherwise and I’ve done many things I never thought I’d do (design a cycling kit) Check out the club’s Facebook page @darkroomcycleclub

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Style

Star studded style

By Fashion writer Gina Akers

There’s nothing more mesmerising and breath taking than the night sky.

Looking up you’ll see

ranges of patterns and colours with endless inspiration for fashion, beauty and home looks.

The universe is

overwhelmingly thought provoking with planets, stars, constellations, satellites and shades of midnight blues to

GoldLust LDN Moon and Star Earrings, £12 purples, dusky pinks and shining silvers.

It’s no wonder night sky style is so easy to shine in.

Flamingo Gifts SASS & BELLE Set of 3 Nordic Star Suitcases, £19.55

Po-Zu Star Wars Limited Edition Resistance Silver Hi-Tops. £150

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Papier Night Sky Lined Notebook, £12.99

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Style Cable and Cotton’s Starry Night LED fairy lights, from £29.95

Skin Shop Silver Serum, £12.95

Eight & Bob Nuit De Megève Eau de Parfum, £130

Benecos Mineral Eye Shadow Cosmic Moon, £3.95 The Heights Unisex EC2 Tee, £16

Locket Loves Starry Night Leggings, £30

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Tech Tech: privacy... who needs it?

By Ben Fitzgerald

I’m a man of a certain age.

Therefore it logically follows that I am signed up to a number of fitness apps on my iPhone which tell me how far I have run/ cycled or walked in the past year.

Not only that, if I sufficiently interested, it could also tell me in excruciating detail how much altitude I have gained during my walk to the cornershop, the number of steps I took and what my heart rate was when I asked the guy behind the counter if he had any semi-skimmed milk left.

I’m also being dictated to by another app that interrupts me when I’m trying to watch Bondi Beach Rescue and tells me that I should be going to bed instead - based on my estimated sleep requirement. It’s something that is becoming an increasing part of our daily lives.

Have you ever decided, on a whim, that you need to suddenly search the information superhighway for a wetsuit? or perhaps a statue of Elvis or a complete set of Olympic curling stones?

Creepily, at some point in the week following your moment of weakness, you are guaranteed

to have unprompted adverts for facemasks, scrubbing brushes and white, flared-leg jumpsuits popping up as you attempt to navigate the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.

It’s difficult to shake off the feeling that the internet knows everything about me...

But apparently, the internet knows everything about everyone else as well. Recently the Strava fitness app has been criticised for doing a better job of broadcasting sensitive military information about military personnel than the most sensitive spy satelites.

Australian student Nathan Ruser noticed that clusters of fitness mad soldiers were sharing their data on the app - which generates a ‘heat map’ beautifully exposing the exact locations of military bases around the globe.

It’s now fair to assume that any information you wanted to keep secret - is out there - permanently.

This is underlined by the fact that Obama-era regulations, the 2016 “Protecting the Privacy of Customers of Broadband and Other Telecommunication Services” rule designed to protect internet

users’ private data was thrown out by that witless cretin Donald Trump last year.

This opens the floodgates for internet service providers to harvest personal data and sell it to advertisers or literally anyone else.

Which begs the question should we really care? Isn’t it all a bit ‘tin-foil hat’ brigade to worry about what people know about us?

Well - it begins to matter if the government of the day is opposed to a plurality of views and is determined to clamp down on those who might be opposed to that.

But that couldn’t happen here...

Could it...?

You are not powerless however.

There is very little we can do to restrict this torrent of information about ourselves, but what we can do is to dilute it with untruths.

My advice is to actively engage with online surveys and blow smoke up their asses. Take the time to fill out questionaires and pretend that you have 11 children, have a Phd and are an enthusiastic pipe smoker. If we all did it, it wouldn’t take long before such dodgy data attributed to you becomes worthless.

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TV

TV worth Saving

By Jamie Hill

Gritty crime tales seem to be ‘de rigeur’ at the moment. And without travelling to HBO the Americans do seem to be a bit behind us Brits when it comes to realism.

I’m not talking the hyper real, almost fantasytic realms of Sherlock but the spit and blood dramas that the UK production companies are churning out showing us misery in all its aspects. We’re good at misery us Brits. Maybe that might explain Brexit.

It all started, in my eyes, with Prime Suspect but then Jimmy McGovern took the ball and ran with it with the superlative Cracker.

In recent years there’s been Luther (although his world might be considered a little fantastic) and the ever excellent Happy Valley. Then there’s the female Luther that is Marcella and recently Collateral.

We love gritty realism.

But one of the most famous in recent years has been Line of Duty - which after several series has become like the British Wire. It’s that good.

So when Sky announced that it would be joining the fray with its own production and that it would

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be pulling in the talent of Line of Duty makers and starring and co-written by Lennie James, I couldn’t have been more excited.

And it doesn’t disappoint. And it doesn’t shy away from the grittiness and realism.

I love Lennie James. He’s impressed me over the years with some bloody brilliant performances not least in the first season of the aforementioned Line of Duty. And The Walking Dead. Let’s not forget The Walking Dead.

He plays Nelly. An absent father who discovers his daughter has gone missing and goes on a oneman mission to find out what’s happened.

And here’s the thing, Nelly is a pub chancer. Like a loveable but very violent Del Boy character. And he’s totally out of his depth.

He steals every scene, although he is ably supported by our very own Docter Foster Suranne Jones and the ever-excellent Stephen Graham.

And this show does go down some very dark paths into the world of paedophilia gangs and it will leave you a bit haunted. But it’s gripping thought-provoking stuff.

You can find it on Sky Boxsets or Now TV if you want to experience this gritty realism for yourself.

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Film Podcast

By Claire Dukes

When I was invited to join in a podcast recording about film down the pub one evening, I wasn’t really sure what to expect.

Turns out, it’s a pretty much a ‘does what it says on the tin’ kinda job - two guys, in a pub, talking about films over a pint, or two, or three...

Credit where it’s due this set up that Simon Oxlade and Matt Purvis have created is actually quite impressive. As all great stories start Simon and Matt bonded, drunk, at a rugby game and then given their mutual love for movies came to the fabulous idea of starting a podcast. Two years later and these two guys in the pub have got quite a good following, and that’s probably because they’re podcast is both entertaining and interesting.

When asking why they record at The Beehive in Swindon Simon explained: “It’s a really nice artsy pub where one night they’ll have poetry, the next a band, sometimes poker, and now every other week two guys recording a podcast. It’s also because the staff here are incredibly welcoming and friendly.“ Matt added: “It feels nice to hear the background noise of being out in public. Some people will overhear us and butt in saying ‘I disagree with you’ - I like the authenticity of it.“ Like with most podcats, it’s an hour of chatting but depiste their chilled demeanour the guys breach some interesting view points with the exception of politics - as Simon put “no politics on the podcast” - which

is probably a wise idea. Each session they catch up on some film news before diving into 3 recent films they’ve gone to see. Guilty I have not been to the cinema of late, but after a few pints had no qualms joining in to the best of my ability - as an ex-film student I got quite excited going in-depth about films. In their latest podcast they discuss Red Sparrow, The Shape of Water, and I, Tonya. If you want an honest approach towards films, and a recommendation, these are your guys. There’s no spoiler alerts per se, but you’ll get a lot of insight into what to expect from the films they discuss.

To check out their podcast ‘Admit One Movies’, head to their Twitter @admitonemovies2 or website www.admitonemovies.com.

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Film

Steven Spielberg creates a world out of pure imagination

By Claire Dukes

Surprising as it may seem I am partial to a blockbuster movie, I love a good drama and in terms of Spielberg I mostly favour his older classics. Some of his most notable, in my opinion, are Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, Saving Private Ryan, Hook, and obviously Jaws - I often forget how stunningly shot it is.

With Jaws Spielberg created something much more than a summer blockbuster, he essentially created a global fear towards the sea. Based on the 1974 novel by Peter Benchley, Spielberg adapted an idea based on a very human fear which then lead to a spike in shark hunting following the film’s release. But this is not overly surprising, since the same thing happened after the release of Benchley’s book.

Fun fact: after the surge in shark hunting, and essentially a ravenous killing spree, Benchley was outraged by the reaction people had towards both the book and the film and became a renowned shark conservationist.

As extreme as the reaction was, arguably this is the epitome of sensational storytelling - that dolly zoom shot with Brody on the beach, overlayed by John Williams’ iconic score, still makes my stomach flip. More impressively the audience don’t actually

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see the shark until the second half of the film, and yet it’s terrifying. Brilliant.

Fast forward to 2018 and Spielberg is visually progressing onto bigger things with the release of his latest film Ready Player One - “It’s the place where the limits of reality are your own imagination.” Based on the trailer it’s got all the action of Indiana Jones and the teenage adventures of E.T and The BFG. Progressing from his earlier work with animatronics and very real fears, Spielberg is heading into virtual reality realms which promise the same visual marvel as Avatar. It looks like the PG version of Being John Malcovich, but visually on acid.

In a VR world called ‘OASIS’ people can leave the mundanity of reality, which in this film looks like a cross between Blade Runner and The Hunger Games’ districts - all very distopian - and be... well anything they want.

I’m curious. In 2018 is the world of VR more realistic and emotionally impactful than Spielberg’s earlier films with stage sets? Will Ready Player One invoke the same reaction from something fictional into something real, like with Jaws? I’m just going to have to find out.

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Brews and Eats

Broaden your horizons How many of the 1,368 grape varieties have you tried?

By Darren Willmott The old saying goes “never judge a book by its cover”, but in the case of ‘Wine Grapes: A complete guide to 1,368 vine varieties’, the plain sleeve and scope couldn’t be much clearer.

Putting each and every known wine grape variety under the microscope and giving the appropriate cultural history and factual DNA make-up, this comprehensive pool of information is accessible to both the scholar and the interested novice.

The novice reader might, however, question where they’re going wrong.

Akin to a poorly titled mystery, the biggest surprise of the book has already been given away by the title highlighting that there are an amazing 1,368 different grape varieties out there to try.

A recent survey showed that of the varieties available, only the top 12 (so, less than 1%) were responsible for more than half of the world’s planted vines.

That’s an extraordinary statistic; over half of the vine-planted world is given over to less than 1% of the available vine varieties.

Our hit-list contains such favourites as Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Pinot Noir and Syrah (aka Shiraz) for your reds

and Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Riesling, Muscat Blanc, Gewürztraminer, Viognier, Pinot Blanc, Pinot Gris for your white.

Any one of these varieties is now in the official ‘comfort zone’.

Clearly there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with any one of the above varieties, which are well-known, successful, highly adaptable and able to give consistent high-yielding results.

The point is, there is much mileage beyond.

Readers may now be starting to wonder if they could have been more inventive the last time they reached for another bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, but the blame isn’t entirely on your shoulders.

People do indeed go with what they know more often than not, but this is something that supermarkets are well-oiled towards. They don’t want to take too many chances when it comes to the profits.

Familiarity is safety.

Wine producing countries new to the game (so, any since the late 70s/early 80s) are also well aware of trends and plant their vineyards accordingly.

They only want to produce the well-recognised international varieties that will guarantee sales.

This commerce comes at the expense of tradition.

Grape varieties adapt to their surroundings and the unknown indigenous varieties that have thrived forever are the ones that truly speak of the history and diversity of the country.

Spanish producer Torres is one going to amazing lengths to bring back long-lost varieties from extinction.

On the flip-side, the consumer also needs to have a little more interest when it comes to seeking out what is beyond the obvious.

If you can get past the funny and sometimes vaguely unpronounceable names, there are absolute treasures to be found.

A good range that celebrates this diversity is the Wine Atlas range from Asda. Dressed up in gorgeous labels evocative of the heyday of early 20th century travel, this is your ideal chance to try the lesser spotted Feteasca Neagra, Negroamaro, Grillo or Bobal.

If you’re feeling really competitive you may like to apply to the Wine Century Club. Try 100 or more varieties, Google the club, fill in the entry form, and a nifty certificate will be on its way to you letting you know how unique such a feat is.

Cheers!

Read Darren’s blog at vinesight. me

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Brews and Eats Beer columnist Brewery Bird asks if pubs are losing their pulling power?

Closing Time - a short story

Once Upon A Time, there was a pub. It was a typical tworoomed back street drinking establishment, not too far from a busy main road and bustling high street.

It had a small garden, kept regular licensed hours and many of its customers were regulars who had been propping up the bar for a number of years, and in some cases, decades.

It was surrounded by many chimney pots, in walking distance from the train station and just off a main bus route.

The pub was owned outright by the landlord, having purchased the freehold 15 years previously from a struggling pub company, and had survived its share of family troubles, insurance hikes, beer duty increases, the smoking ban and the recent addition of two micro-pubs and a gastro-pub to the local area.

The pub was renowned for its well-kept ales, simple but cosy interior and absence of background music, entertainment

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machines and TVs (except for showings of international rugby games and the odd additional sporting event, when requested).

The bar served 6 everchanging beers, several real cider options as well as a mainstream cider and lager, numerous gin and spirit offerings and a small selection of wines.

Pork Pies, cheese rolls, crisps and nuts were the only food offerings; however the landlord happily welcomed take-away food on the premises and thoughtfully provided cutlery and plates for diners.

A pub quiz was held on a Monday evening, and the back room was often used by a variety of local groups for meetings and socials.

The locals were generally a friendly bunch, welcoming newcomers, well-behaved dogs and light-hearted banter alike.

For the first few years, the pub made a small but steady profit for the landlord (after costs), but the last 3-4 years in particular had proven

tough. Beer sales were down, noticeably, despite the range on offer.

Weekends were for the most part busy, but weekdays quieter, despite efforts to attract customers with different events and promotions.

Several regulars had either moved away or now only visited less than once a week for health or financial reasons, some visited less preferring the newer bars in the High Street.

The pub still attracted its fair share of visitors, keen to sample the unusual beers offered, but the loss of regular daily trade hit profits hard. Time at the Bar? This story is sadly still all too familiar. Despite a drop in the number of pubs closing a week in the UK, we are still losing on average 15.

For the most part these closures are struggling premises owned by the larger Pubco’s, but Freehouses are not exempt and are more likely to be sold to developers by the individual in order to recoup losses.

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Review: The Breakfast Club

By Ben Fitzgerald Breakfast is the most important meal of the day - especially if you can have it at any time.

Imagine then, if there was a restaurant that was entirely dedicated to the often overlooked fine art of breakfast dining. Now stop imagining.

Because it’s a real thing, and there’s a branch in Oxford.

Situated on the rooftop terrace of the swanky revamped Westgate Centre - the Breakfast Club is a full on riot of competing textures and pastel colours that shout WAKE UP! to any prospective diners. It’s a bit like accidentally stumbling onto the set of Channel 4’s The Big Breakfast in the early 90s. I confess I was half expecting to be put into a hugely irritating ‘banter-tastic’ headlock by a fresh faced and flame haired Chris Evans at any moment.

The menu is stacked with every possible permutation of egg,

cheese, sourdough waffles and pancakes.

And there are a few frankly weird options as well. Ponder with me for a moment ‘The Elvis Waffle’ - Buttermilk waffle, caramelised banana, Greek yoghurt, peanut butter and maple syrup… enough said.

I went for the Philly Burger with sweet potato fries and Caesar salad and was not disappointed - everything was off the scale on the indulgence-o-meter - who wouldn’t enjoy a big lean burger in a bun slathered with blue cheese and gerkins and salad?

Anyone who says they wouldn’t is a liar or a vegan... or both.

My glamorous dining companion, editor Jamie Hill, opted for the Night Monty - essentially a massive oval platter of breakfast based faves - you know, bacon, beans, spam, eggs, black pudding, spam, more eggs, toast, hash brown, tomatoes, probably some

sausages and spam. There was no spam actually, but I can vouch for everything else although I had to be quick because it disappeared rapidly, with Jamie (somehow able to chat and eat simultaneously) only pausing to accentuate a point with a jab of sausage on the end of his fork not unlike the opening sequence of Grange Hill. Look it up if you don’t know what a C-60 is!

I want to go back... immediately, and spend all day eating breakfasts before falling out of the door in a carbohydrate and protein haze.

The only thing that would improve this place is the ready availability of newspapers on sticks, other than that it’s the perfect place to start, finish or err.. do the middle bit of the day.

The Breakfast Club - Oxford’s Westgate Centre, OX1 1TR westgate.oxford@landsec.com 01865 263600 (Mon-Fri: 8am5pm)

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Modern Baker

I’m all about that bake

By Claire Dukes Address: 214 Banbury Rd, Oxford OX2 7BY

I am no baker - I don’t have the patience nor precison to excell at such a task. Thankfully Oxford’s latest artisan installment, Modern Baker, are the masters of sourdough baking and kindly invited The Ocelot to go and check it out.

I may not be able to bake bread, but eating it is a completely different story.

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Modern Baker Modern Baker have essentially created the bread bible - no chemicals, no preservatives, just delicious sourdough bread, cakes, and biscuits.

Having been diagnosed with cancer a few years back one of the founders, Melissa Sharp, decided to take further action alongside chemotherapy with a solely plant-based diet. After being cleared from cancer Melissa and her partner Leo, also a founder, became fixated on healthy eating and healthy baking.

Fast forward three years of around-the-world research and a lot of hard work, their artisan café-bakery became a reality in 2014: Modern Baker.

When arriving at their bakery - tucked away in Station Field Industrial Estate - there’s an instant cleanliness and yes modern vibe to the place.

It’s definitely easy to locate amongst the other warehouses.

Everything from the architechture to the recipes has been crafted with precision and

transparency.

Whilst indulging myself with a variety of breads, cakes, biscuits, - all sourdough-based - crispy kale, and fermented cabbage shots, not only did I feel extremely cleansed but became a lot more in the know about gut health.

Going above and beyond the normal commercial aspects of starting and running a business, Modern Baker have recieved a government grant to lead a project which has a team of farmers, academics, and scientists working together to spread the word about healthy eating, baking, and cooking - and how what we are digesting really effects us.

After all things scientific we got down to some starter making with expert dough maker, Lindsay Stark - and not as in ‘first course’, as in the starter sourdough to create our own delicous recipes. All you need is white flour and water - no added anything else.

I really appreciate what these

guys at Modern Baker are doing, especially with regards to transparency - from letting the customer know what’s in their food, to the strategic architecture and design of the bakery and café itself. Both spaces are openplan and the bakery has a stunning window which seperates the front and back of the bakery, finished off with a scandi-chic interior.

Melissa and Leo are also very aware of their market, because unfortunately sourdough is not cheap - a loaf can cost as much as £7. It could work out cheaper if they mass produced, but then they would lose the validity of the ethos that inspired them to create Modern Baker in the first place. It felt nice to know that a company actually cares about consumers’ health, as opposed to running a fad food campaign or just trying to turn a profit. Again I am no baker but by proving that healthy can taste this good, I’m game for giving it a go. www.modernbaker.com

Melissa and Lindsay in the cafe on Banbury Road

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Brews and Eats Celeriac, kale & mushroom pie

This winter warmer gives the heartiest of meat stews a run for its money.

Cooking the component parts may seem a bit fiddly but it ensures each ingredient retains its perfect flavour and texture.

4 tbsp light olive or vegetable oil 1 large celeriac (about 1kg), peeled & cut into 1cm chunks 1 tbsp white wine vinegar 60g butter 2 large red onions, roughly sliced 500g flat mushrooms, thickly sliced 1 glass of red wine 3 garlic cloves, finely chopped 150g cavolo nero (black kale), leaves stripped from their stalks & washed 100ml double cream

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¼ whole nutmeg, finely grated 1 x 300g ready-rolled sheet all-butter puff or flaky pastry beaten egg, for brushing salt & black pepper Turn the oven to 190°C/Gas 5. Heat 3 tablespoons of the oil in a pan, add the celeriac, adding the vinegar and half the butter during cooking.

Meanwhile, melt the remaining butter in a frying pan with the remaining tablespoon of oil and fry the onion on a medium heat until starting to soften, about 10 minutes. Add the sliced mushrooms and cook until they start to release their moisture.

Pour in the wine, add the chopped garlic and let the liquid bubble and reduce until you have a dark, sticky mess. Season with salt and pepper. While the

mushrooms cook, blanch the kale in salted water in two batches for 1½ minutes each. Remove with a slotted spoon and plunge straight into ice cold water to stop the cooking and fix the colour. When cool, squeeze out the water and roughly chop. Combine all the component parts in a large bowl.

Pour in the cream, grate in the nutmeg, mix gently and check the seasoning.

Pack the mixture snugly into a shallow pie dish. Cut out the pastry to the size of the rim of your dish and place it over the top of the filling, tucking it around the sides.

Brush with the egg and slash a couple of holes in it for the steam to escape. Bake for 20–25 minutes, until the pastry is golden and the filling is bubbling around the edges. www.riverford.co.uk/recipes

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Brews and Eats

A history of...

jelly

By Ben Fitzgerald What could be more lovely for a children’s party, than serving up the congealed residue of a boiled up cow’s hoof?

The idea of creating sweetened and flavoured hoofbased puddings in one form or another must have been around since people discovered how to boil up bits of animal.

We know for certain that during the Middle Ages, cooks discovered that they could preserve meat and other foods in their natural gelatin - which can then be clarified with egg whites - allowing you to suspend almost anything seemingly weightlessly in a clear gelatinous cube.

Whilst being wondrous to behold, the idea of carving through a clear blob of gloop to get to your food seems to have rather fallen out of fashion of late - mainly because it is, frankly, quite vomit inducing.

But if you do happen to dip into a recipe book from the 1970s, you will almost certainly be treated to a selection of weird slabs of clear jelly with things trapped inside.

During the eighteenth century, the use of gelatin as a pudding ‘jelly’ became increasingly popular with dishes being coloured with saffron, cochineal and spinach and flavoured with sugar, lemon juice and mixed spices.

This preparation was called jelly; English cookery writer Hannah Glasse was the first to record the use of this jelly in trifle in her book The Art of Cookery, first published in 1747.

Interestingly, the popularity of jelly has been in steep decline since its mid 70s heyday - when entire families would subsist on jelly for weeks at a time.

A recent study by food anthropologists has found that the wobbly treat is now relegated to a few isolated pockets of adults living in Wales and the Outer Hebridies.

It is predicted that by the end of the decade jelly consumption will have ceased altogether thankfully.

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Theatre Thursday March 1 to Friday March 2 THEATRE: Macbeth Times vary - Swindon Arts Centre Thursday March 1 FAMILY: Play the World - Building & Homes 10am - Pegasus Theatre, Oxford TALKS: Mark Steel 8pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Friday March 2 THEATRE: Vamos Theatre ‘A Brave Face’ 7.15pm - Salisbury Arts Centre THEATRE: The Best of Queen 7.30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon THEATRE: Odyssey 8pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Friday March 2 to Saturday March 3 BALLET: Vienna Festival Ballet: Swan Lake 7pm - Neeld Community and Arts Centre, Chippenham THEATRE: Translunar Paradise 8pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Saturday March 3 THEATRE: The Selector and the Beat, Feat.

Ranking Roger 7pm - Salisbury City Hall MUSIC/TALKS: The Glass Aisle: Paul Henry and Brian Briggs 7.30pm - Arts at the Old Fire Station, Oxford THEATRE: Buddy Holly and The Cricketers 7.30pm - New Theatre, Oxford THEATRE: That’ll Be The Day 7.30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon

COMEDY: Ed Byrne - Spoiler Alert 8pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon

THEATRE: Crimes Under The Sun 7.30pm - Swindon Arts Centre

Wednesday March 7 to Saturday March 10

TALKS: Jason Donovan 7.30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon

THEATRE: The Western Players - Bedroom Farce 7.30pm - Swindon Arts Centre THEATRE: Digging For Victory Times vary - Watermill Theatre, Newbury Wednesday March 7 THEATRE: No Such Thing as a Fish 7.30pm - Oxford Playhouse THEATRE: Point of Echoes 8pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Thursday March 8 to Saturday March 24 FILM: Banff Mountain Film Festival World Tour Times vary - Salisbury City Hall Thursday March 8 THEATRE: Play the World - Super Space 10am - Pegasus Theatre, Oxford THEATRE: No Such Thing as a Fish 7.30pm - Oxford Playhouse DANCE: At the End We Begin 7.30pm - Arts at the Old Fire Station, Oxford THEATRE: Crooners 7.30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Friday March 9 MUSIC: Buddy Holly and the Cricketers 7pm - Salisbury City Hall COMEDY: Richard Herring - Oh Frig, I’m 50!

8pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Friday March 9 to Saturday March 10

COMEDY: Iain Stirling - U OK HUN? X 8pm - Swindon Arts Centre

THEATRE: Audiograft 7pm - Arts at the Old Fire Station, Oxford

Sunday March 4

DANCE/THEATRE: Moving with the Times 7.30pm - Pegasus Theatre, Oxford

TALKS: TEDxOxford - TED Talks 10.30am - New Theatre, Oxford

Saturday March 10

THEATRE: Theatre and back again: An Odyssey 2pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

FAMILY/DANCE: Tidy Up Times vary - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

Monday 5 March to Thursday March 8

THEATRE: Cupids Revenge 7.30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

DANCE: Tango Moderno Times vary - New Theatre, Oxford Monday 5 March to Saturday March 10 THEATRE: Of Mice and Men Times vary - Salisbury Playhouse Monday March 5 COMEDY: Rob Delaney - More Meat 7.30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Tuesday March 6 THEATRE: Teechers 7.30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

THEATRE: Bowie Experience - The Golden Years Tour 7.30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon

THEATRE: The B*Easts 8pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford Wed March 14 to Thursday March 15 THEATRE: The Audit 7.30pm - BT Studio at Oxford Playhouse Wed March 14 to Saturday March 24 THEATRE: Hansel Times vary - Salisbury Playhouse Thursday March 15 to Sat April 21 THEATRE: The Rivals Times vary - Watermill Theatre, Newbury Thursday March 15 THEATRE: Play the World - Brilliant Birds 10am - Pegasus Theatre, Oxford THEATRE: Giant 7.30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot COMEDY: Andrew Lawrence 8pm - Swindon Arts Centre Friday March 16 FILM: Kendal Mountain Festival on Tour 7pm - Salisbury Arts Centre THEATRE: I’d Be Lost Without You 7.30pm - Arts at the Old Fire Station, Oxford THEATRE: Under My Skin 7.30pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot THEATRE: Bilal Zafar Biscuit 7.30pm - BT Studio at Oxford Playhouse THEATRE: The Upbeat Beatles 7.30pm - Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Friday March 23 MUSIC: Jim Moray - Upceta 7.15pm - Salisbury Arts Centre COMEDY: Sophie Willan - Branded 7.30pm - BT Studio at Oxford Playhouse Friday March 23 to Saturday March 24 FAMILY/THEATRE: Grandad’s Island Times vary - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot DANCE/THEATRE: Sutra 7.30pm - New Theatre, Oxford

Sunday March 11

Saturday March 24 to Sunday March 25

COMEDY: Phill Jupitus - Juplicity 8pm - Swindon Arts Centre Monday March 12 to Saturday March 17

THEATRE: Monkey Bars 7.30pm - Arts at the Old Fire Station, Oxford

THEATRE: The Winslow Boy Times vary - Oxford Playhouse

FAMILY: The Sagas of Noggin the Nog Times vary - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

Tuesday March 13

COMEDY: Barbara Nice 7.30pm - BT Studio at Oxford Playhouse

COMEDY: Reginald D Hunter 7.30pm - Oxford Playhouse

THEATRE: Theatre Scratch 7.30pm - Arts at the Old Fire Station, Oxford

COMEDY: Rachel Parris: Keynote 8pm - Arts at the Old Fire Station, Oxford

MUSIC: Sorana Santos 7.30pm - North Wall Arts Centre, Oxford

Saturday March 24

COMEDY: Lucy Porter: Choose your Battles 8pm - Cornerstone Arts Centre, Didcot

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Swindon Fringe

I am Not a Soldier, April 12

Short Plays for Marvellous People, April 9

The Casting, April 10

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Swindon Fringe kicks off this month!

The Swindon Fringe Festival begins this month at The Crossing, Swindon, with from Gilmore n’ Jaz, Canutes Plastic Army, and a comedy set from stand-up Tony Cowards, April 6.

From April 4 to April 15 there will also be Swindon’s Independent Film Festival with a selection of shorts and features from independent and up and coming filmmakers.

During April ‘Swinge’ will be inundating Swindon’s music and theatre venues with a line-up of theatre, dance, comedy, spoken word, and music from around the UK. In the drama department there’s the anticipated arrival of Matt Fox’s The Ladykillers, and the return of Autobahn by The Scullions Neoterics (April 15), with a spoken word performance combining physical theatre with Individual Medley (April 7) and The Casting (April 10).

If music is more your thing The Groovy Pig Music Festival returns to The Victoria with 9 acts including SexJazz, Spunking Octochoke, Flame&Co, and Terra-45. For the full line-up visit www.swindonfringefestival.com

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Theatre News Swindon Dance presents: An Evening with Anna Watkins Friday 20 April An evening of contemporary dance in three parts.

‘Human Animal’ taps into evolution theories, ‘Mrs Oath’ a short dance film and ‘Solitude’ looks at the suppression of women in society.

Hagit Yakira Dance Friday May 4 A double bill of down to earth dance.

‘Air Hunger’ a breath-taking duet and ‘Free Falling’ a captivating piece that takes the audience on a journey of trips, falls and lifts that will keep you on the edge of your seats.

Tickets: £11 & £7 Special Price for Ocelot Readers: £8 & £5 – quote OCELOT when booking (telephone booking only).

Swindon Dance, Regent Circus, Swindon SN1 1QF T: 01793 601700 www.swindondance.org.uk

The North Wall announces line-up for Alchymy 2018 The North Wall Arts Centre has announced the full line-up for its annual festival of new plays, Alchymy, which takes place from Friday 6 to Sunday April 8.

Now in its second year, Alchymy Festival is designed to showcase the skills of early career theatre makers. The programme presents high quality theatre alongside a wide range of industry events.

Many of the shows are rehearsed

in-house at The North Wall prior to the festival.

Altogether, twelve new plays will premiere at the festival this year alongside masterclasses and panel discussions.

Most writers, directors and actors involved in the festival were trained at The North Wall on the organisation’s renowned ArtsLab programme.

Ellie Keel, Festival Producer, said “This year, we’ve increased

the number of shows and events to present an even more exciting and varied programme for our audiences.

“It is thrilling to be presenting the premiere of twelve new shows in one weekend - come along to see the very first performances of some incredible new plays.”

The full festival programme can be found at: www.thenorthwall.com/alchymyfestival/

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Leader

The Ocelot chats with Leader

Luke Coggins – Bass, Ben Edginton – Vocals , Matt Morris – Drums, Matt Barrell – Guitar / Keys, Mikey Fletcher – Guitar / Vocals

Following the release of their latest track ‘Golden’, Oxfordshire-based alt-rock band Leader are ready to head out on tour and then hit the festivals. While the guys had a moment, The Ocelot caught up with the lads for a friendly Q&A.

By Claire Dukes

What brought the five of you together to become Leader?

Musical interest, we have all known each other as a group of friends. This makes things easier and harder sometimes!

You formed in 2015, which makes you, as band, still quite young. Do you feel young?

We have a new line-up, so we feel fresh. The new music we’ve been writing is exciting and we’ve got a big year ahead, so yeh, we feel young!

Is there a leader of the band?

No we argue amongst ourselves… majority rules!

What makes a good world leader?

Someone who loves music.

What can fans expect from your latest material?

The songs are a lot more polished at this stage

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with the use of new production, which has opened a more synthetic avenue for us, as well as a more dynamic live show.

What separates your earlier music from where you are now, like with Golden?

The new line up has created different ideas and concepts when producing, ideas have moved in a new direction from the older more indie feel., and more upbeat and catchy, without having to define a genre.

What’s the main inspiration for your songs? If it’s fair to say, there seems to be a running motif within your lyrics about love and loss - has there been some heartbreak guys?

We write how we feel in the moment, we tend to use personal experiences in the lyrics, one of the latest songs is about Ben’s daughter, so not all heartbreak!

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Leader A horrible question, I know, but do you have a favourite gig so far? You’ve played alongside some pretty big names.

Always tough to answer, we love playing local venues as well as the big stages, Common People festival was incredible and probably stands alongside Truck Festival in 2017.

What’s the strangest fan mail you’ve received?

We have some awesome loyal fans but none of them have sent anything out the ordinary… yet. One girl travelled all the way from Ireland for one of our Oxford shows, just because she was determined to get a selfie with us.

Bless her.

There was a scare over The Cellar’s future not long ago, and venues across the West have been facing closure. Does this scare you, or motivate you?

We would say both, it’s a shame to see any venue open to music close its doors, however it drives us to continue to play and keep the scenes alive and kicking in the grass roots.

How are you feeling about your upcoming tour in April?

We can’t wait, our first tour in the new line up and we have been rehearsing constantly!

We get to play some awesome venues on the tour, and get to go to some places we haven’t before.

You each get to perform with a band/musician of your choice for one night only.

Together or split, dead or alive, who’s that band/musician?

We argued over this answer for hours and are still arguing now but the one that we can all agree on is Kings of Leon

What’s coming up next for you guys after the tour? What do Leader get up to when they have time off?

Festivals season which we cannot wait for, we are also back in the studio with new material ready to get out. Our manager doesn’t let us have time off…

Catch Leader on their Spring tour in Ocelotshire: Thursday April 19 - Purple Turtle, Reading Saturday April 21 - The Jericho Tavern, Oxford AND Friday April 20 - Truck Festival, Hill Farm, Oxfordshire

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Music in casual places Sofar Sounds Swindon

The Sofar Swindon team: Evan, Yaz, and Henry. Photo by Ben Lawton

By Claire Dukes

Sofar Sounds is an internationally recognised organisation – the aim is to put on one hell of a show, just not in a conventional music venue. It can be hosted anywhere from a living room to a coffee shop, even a laundrette. For the uninitiated, when signing up for a ticket to a Sofar Sounds event you won’t know where you’re going until the night before the gig, and won’t know who’s playing until you get there.

In terms of Ocelot’s regions we’ve got Oxford, and now Swindon. After visiting a Sofar gig at The Hague in the Netherlands, Swindonian Yazmin Taylor sought out some advice from the guys in Oxford and quickly found herself signing up and becoming ‘City Leader’ for the latest addition to Swindon’s music scene.

For their third gig Sofar Sounds Swindon set up in the rentable and quirky office space Desk Cowork.

MATTHEW BRYANT Explaining that each of his songs had a story behind it, Bryant is a refreshened indie-rock act telling tales of mundane adolescence which he tells through witty lyrics – Sleeping in the Bath, for instance.

His songs also reflect his charming and upfront personality, reaffirmed by his rambles between songs.

DREW BRYANT This solo act performance was as rock ‘n’ roll as acoustic can be – that within itself was impressive – with a casual yet dominant stage presence throughout, asserting a certain undeniable professionalism about him. His tone was incredibly soothing with a soft yet husky execution - a mix of Jeff Buckley and Bower Birds.

FRANKIE KNIGHT Despite the acoustic set, Frankie Knight was able to perform something incredibly earthy whilst being able to give an insight into what she would be like if she was able to release her electronic side – a haunting fusion between Angel Olsen and The XX, or as someone shouted “Fleetwood Mac.” A sound I got really immersed in.

THE HARLERS The Harlers came across incredibly polished whilst simultaneously encapsulating a grungy blues sound and aura – singing of love and loss – which resonates with a young Black Keys What peaked my attention the most was frontman Chris’ comparability to the chordal riffs of Lenny Kaye - he electrified the set.

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Gappy Tooth Gappy Tooth brings out the funk with Little Brother Eli

By Jamie Hill

Sometimes you like a band so much you buy the T-shirt.

But just sometimes you like a band so much you end up buying two T-shirts.

Little Brother Eli is definitely a two T-shirt band.

The sold-out Gappy Tooth evening started with Lucy Vee, who you might have seen before fronting Oxfordshire band Death Of Hi-Fi. This was definitely a bit of a tantalising entree into the evening’s musical shenanigans.

Lucy has a great voice and I loved the lo-fi raw sound to her synth accompanied set.

The melodic counterpoints of the synth really set her voice off with real pizzazz.

Next up was Quartermelon.

I’d never seen this threesome

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before so didn’t know what to expect but they were bloody brilliant. From the off as they dealt adroitly and very wittily with technical difficulties you could tell that these forever smiling guys knew what they were doing.

Quartermelon describe themselves as a ‘tropical trio from Oxfordshire. Singing songs about fornicating, dozing off and sailing.’

There was definitely not a single dull moment throughout the entire set and I expect these bunch of Oxford boys will be filling headline slots at many a venue in the coming months.

And then we were on to Little Brother Eli. The reason that this particular Gappy Tooth gig was sold out.

Just recently the Oxfordshire foursome had announced a slight change of direction from their funky blues rock beginnings with their new single ‘Tooth’. It still sounds like Little Brother Eli but the rock element is now enthused with disco, electro and hip-hop rhythms. And it works.

I’ve seen lil’ brother before on several occasions but they’ve never sounded funkier than they

do now.

The room was pumping, popping, locking and jumping.

Lead singer Alex can move. In fact his moves were so funky that they would even put Jay Kay from Jamiroquai to shame. Definitely one of the best frontmen I’ve seen.

They’re a tight outfit those Little Brother Eli lads and really know a thing or two about showmanship.

By the time they ended, having given us a real taste of their new music as well as a trip down memory lane with songs from their last album, Cold Tales, the crowd were left sweaty and spent. Great stuff.

And they also do bloody good T-shirts. I should know. I bought two.

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MOTHER

The Ocelot chats with MOTHER Words Claire Dukes Images Daniele Longo

I met up with MOTHER in Oxford for a casual pint at The Library.

New to my radar I had heard some of their latest tracks and was keen to delve in a little deeper.

As individuals the four guys have an expansive history of being in bands, but as MOTHER they’ve latched onto a sound that both embodies and enthuses their muscial ethos and ambitions.

Asking about their illusive choice in band name, frontman Josh Alden explained that “The name itself is earthy and warm, but it’s also incredibly versatile and doesn’t box us into a specific genre - we can do a lot with it - and it opens up possibilites to experiment as we progress.”

Citing thier EP Remnants of a Wasted Dream, for me their sound resonates with the likes of Radiohead, Talking Heads and The Vaccines with a polished but gothy finish. The first track on the EP, Petrichor, really embodies the latter - it’s got all the elements of a funky and psychedlic grunge vibe, and their live performances ignite a revival in the post-punk scene (something I’m very keen to see).

Having a chat with Josh and drummer Sam, I got onboard with their determination and energy very early on. They’ve somewhat turned a circle and despite going up hill with a sound which isn’t necessarily ‘of this moment’, they’re hell bent on moving forward. “In the early days we used to a gig, get pissed, go out and party afterwards.

Now we want to make sure we deliver on our performance - it’s a military operation: get in, and get out” Josh said, and with that they haven’t gone unoticed.

MOTHER have been picked up by the likes of BBC Introducing Oxford, had a chat on the show and got 4 out of 5 tracks played on air. They’re certainly making some noise but they have a long distance view of where they wanna go. Josh continued: “The Cellar gig was the gig we were waiting for since we’ve started, now we’ve got to top it. For our next EP we’re going for a live recording, which is new for us, but it captures our live show and essentially our music.”

Sam added: “It feels like we’re genuinely growing a small fan base - it does feel like it’s happening and picking up. The music scene in Oxford has emerged in the last few years - a real revival, and MOTHER feels a big part of that - and there’s a real sense of community amongst bands.’

With their determination comes a certain frustration, and I get it - music scenes are not too disimilar to style trends by means of being ‘in’ and relevant.

On that Josh said: “It’s a gamble. We want to make the music that MOTHER are making and not have to go in a different direction in order to get picked up. That’s not what we do - it’s not our band.”

To check out MOTHER visit wwwmotherband.co.uk

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Gig Monkey

True Stays - from the Bristol delta Black Sheep Apprentice – Born to Walk Alone It is not often a band playing at a local level releases a recording that can genuinely be described as epic. It is also especially surprising when it is a band like Black Sheep Apprentice, who have battled a succession of lineup changes and a penchant for drama, who have released it. But, here it is, against the odds, an album some years in the making, but nonetheless an album of battered grandeur and incredible scope and vison.

That vision is admittedly a dark one, as songwriter Richard Skidmore explores the murkier recesses of his experience and his imagination to conjure timeless songs of broken people, bad times and the endless search for a place to fit in, all complemented with a country based soundtrack that somehow draws in punk and rock n roll influences and an obvious fixation with the sounds and atmosphere of the Spaghetti Western into a coherent whole. Deft little touches abound, you hear something new each time you listen, and the cast of guest artists is impressive, adding depth and richness and a warmth that carries you through the coldness of some of the lyrics.

The amount of work that has gone into this album is impressive and can be heard in the lushness of the recordings. What’s more, any record that opens with the

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inspired tongue in cheek lyric “Inspired fragments of genius flow down through my biro then somehow get diluted as I write them down” just has to be listened to properly.

Moleville – Dynamite I was such an advocate of last year’s debut album from enigmatic songwriter Moleville that I have jumped the gun somewhat with this as all I have been able to hear so far has been unfinished. But even in this incomplete state, it is still head and shoulders above much of superficial nonsense doing the rounds currently. Once again, these songs are based around rolling piano riffs, with simple beats, effects and sounds layered subtly over the top, making use of toys and battered old instruments leaving music that charms, haunts and hypnotises. The simplicity of much of the recordings are in perfect contrast to the trademark depth and sombre nature of the lyrics, words that ensure Moleville remains one of the most vital songwriters to the local scene Phil Cooper – Thoughts and Observations Phil Cooper is a man who certainly knows how to write an easy to listen to pop ditty.

Thoughts and Observations is aptly named as it is brimming with astute, well considered pieces of social commentary and musings on life, all written and produced with an ear

keen for a catchy melody. This is all exceedingly well judged – the acoustic based songs given just the bare minimum of embellishment, ensuring that the main point of interest doesn’t stray from the songs themselves, songs that tackle subjects as varied as modern-day press media, political extremes, and social media bubbles. But don’t for a minute think that this is heavy going, for there is more than enough positivity, hope and open mindedness within this collection for anyone.

True Strays – Where the Wild Things Hide & Hunt Bristol Delta rock ‘n’ rollers True Strays rapidly became one of my favourite bands to see live last year, so I have been champing at the bit to get to hear this, their debut EP, and by jove, it does not disappoint.

Yes, sure it doesn’t quite have the sparkle and joi de vivre that they have live, but damn it comes close. These songs fizz out of your speakers, crackling with an energy and sheer, unadulterated joy, challenging you to stomp your feet, to get up and throw yourself around. Musically the formula is simple; slide guitars scream, double bass thumps, the beats have more energy than a thermonuclear explosion and the melodies are more infectious than flu. Seriously, get a copy of this, throw caution to the wind and shake a leg with the True Strays.

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Music News Settle in for an evening of vintage Wishbone Ash An Evening of Classic Wishbone Ash. Fresh from sold-out 2017 shows during which they performed Wishbone Ash’s seminal 1972 album Argus in its entirety, Martin Turner and his band return to perform another classic album from the vintage years of Wishbone Ash – 1974s iconic There’s the Rub. Wishbone Ash was formed by West Country musicians Martin Turner and Steve Upton, who arrived in London in 1969 to embark on their musical journey, intent on creating a musical sound that was rich in texture and melody.

There’s the Rub marked a departure for Wishbone Ash, being their first album to be recorded in the USA (with noted producer Bill Szymczyk of Eagles fame) as well as the debut of new guitarist Laurie Wisefield, who had replaced original member Ted Turner. Featuring regular stage favourites FUBB and Persephone, as well as deeper

album cuts such as Silver Shoes and Lady Jay the album received rave reviews from the UK media and charted at UK#16. It remains a firm favourite with the band’s loyal fanbase and connoisseurs of classic rock music and is widely regarded as one of the bands most enduring works.

Martin Turner (Ex Wishbone Ash) The Victoria Pub, Saturday 7 April, 8:30pm www.martinturnermusic.com

Wishbone Ash’s 1974 album There’s The Rub

Plummie Racket get ready to make some noise!

Swindon’s Victoria pub is set to play host to Plummie Racket and The Dicemen this month.

Plummie Racket has been gigging in and around town for the last eight years, landing support slots with Space, Sham 69, Twisted Wheel, Inspiral Carpets and many more taking him on tours of Germany for the last three years armed with only an acoustic guitar.

Now with a full band line up, the sound has been transformed, records have been made and are ready to gig. l Plummie Racket and the Dicemen, Friday 6 April, 8.30pm

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Music News Glamping, music, falafel, you know the deal...

Voted the best festival in the Cotswolds, the Lechlade Music Festival runs from May 25 - 27.

Among the host of acts announced so far are Scouting for Girls, from the Jam, Doctor and the Medics, Whole Lotta Led, Little Brother Eli and Feral Ghost to name but a few. The multiaward winning family friendly festival, in the beautiful Cotswolds market town of Lechlade, also showcases a range of free workshops, fantastic food and spontaneous creativity.

For more information see the festival website at www. lechladefestival.co.uk

Minety Music Festival: summer weekend fun Set in the heart of the Cotswolds, Minety Music Festival is now in its second year, following on from the success of the 2017 event, which was shortlisted in the UK Festival Awards (Best New Festival category).

This community not for profit 3 day summer music event (run entirely by volunteers) aims in 2018 to raise funds for the Wiltshire Air Ambulance, Combat Stress and Naomi House &

Jacksplace Hospice, as well as securing future charity fundraising events.

Minety Music Festival is a 3 day music festival with more than 40 bands on two stages.

Plenty to do and see for the whole family.

It’s a great way to spend your summer weekend.

As well as a host of excellent music, there will be a wide range of food and a well-stocked bar,

There will also be a range of free children’s activities, including slacklining, an inflatable slide and assault course, bouncy castles, circus skills workshops and a mobile caving experience.

Free camping and campervan pitches mean you can really embrace the festival atmosphere!

For more information see the festival website at www. minetyfestival.co.uk

One night in heaven...or Oxford The voice of M People, Heather Small will grace O2 Academy Oxford as part of her UK tour. M People had massive hits in the 90s including ‘Moving On Up’, ‘How Can I Love You More?’, ‘Search For The Hero’ and ‘One Night In Heaven’.

Friday 27 April 2018 6.30pm at O2 Academy Oxford.

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Gig list

Sunday April 1 No Middle Ground 5pm - The Bell, Wantage One of us (Tribute to Abba) 6.30pm - The Castle Inn, Swindon Sabrina Benaim 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford The Model Folk 8pm - The Three Horseshoes, Bradford Upon Avon El Toro 8.30pm - The Lamb Inn, Marlborough Mike Barham & Friends 9pm - The Waiting Room, Swindon No Mans Land 9pm - The Queens Tap, Swindon Blackmax & The Pirates 9.30pm - The Beehive, Carterton

1130pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Tuesday April 3

Interlight 9.30pm - Groves Company Inn, Swindon

Girli 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Singaround 8pm - The Cellar Bar, Bradford on Avon Wednesday April 4 Kris Barras Band 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Wacky Wednesday 9pm - The Victoria, Swindon Thursday April 5 Gigspanner Big Band 8pm - Marlborough Town Hall Plugged-in Singers Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham Toxic Girls 9pm - The Queens Tap, Swindon Friday April 6 Whitesnake UK 6pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Unplugged (Open mic) 7.30pm - ACE Space, Newbury Plummie Racket & The Diceman 8pm - The Victoria, Swindon The Luke Doherty Band 8pm - The Three Horseshoes, Bradford Upon Avon Whole Lotta DC 8pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Shawdowlark 7.30pm - The Cellar, Oxford Franklin’s Tower + Mudslide Morris + The Night Wreckers 8pm - The White House, Oxford Humdinger 8.30pm - The Lamb Inn, Marlborough Martin Turner 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon

Supernaut - Black Sabbath Tribute 8.30pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney Yves + Special Guests 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon Natt Davis 9pm - The Mermaid, Burford Red Hot Trio 9pm - The Queen’s Tap, Swindon WMD 9.30pm - Groves Company Inn, Swindon Saturday April 14

Pistol Slapper Blues 9pm - The Queens Tap, Swindon

The Blockheads 6.30pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford

The Dylegans 9pm - The Crown, Lechlade

Flatlands Party 7.30pm - The Cellar, Oxford

Stat-X 9.30pm - The Waiting Room, Swindon Groove 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Wilkinson DJ Set 11pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford Sunday April 8 Dylegans 4.30pm - The Rose and Crown, Malmesbury The Groovy Pig Music Festival 5pm - The Victoria, Swindon 3 Generations of SKA 7pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford The Ruzz Guitar’s Blues Revue 8pm - The Three Horseshoes, Bradford Upon Avon Monday April 9

Kioko + Guests 7.30pm - Winchester Gate, Salisbury Dirty Earth Band 8pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney The Bad Losers 8pm - The Three Horseshoes, Bradford Upon Avon Trembling Bells + Baby Copperhead 8pm - ACE Space, Newbury Green Haze + Paramore (Or Less) 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon Krissy Matthews Duo 8.30pm - The Lamb Inn, Marlborough Sons Of Liberty 9pm - The Queens Tap, Swindon Blind Lemon Blues Band 9.30pm - Groves Company Inn, Swindon Last Call 9.30pm - The Beehive, Carterton

All Welcome Night 8pm - The Lamb Inn, Devizes

Darkzy UK Tour 11pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford

Tuesday April 10

Musical Medicane Ft Horse Meat Disco 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Aftershow Party 11.30pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Singaround 8pm - The Cellar Bar, Bradford on Avon Wednesday April 11 Greg Coulson 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Sunday April 15 Bob Bowles 8pm - The Three Horseshoes, Bradford Upon Avon

Wacky Wednesday 9pm - The Victoria, Swindon

Monday April 16

Thursday April 12

Decibelles Unplugged 9pm - The Mermaid, Burford

Little Comets 7pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford

John Robins: The Darkness of Robins 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Tuesday April 17

El Toro 9pm - The Queen’s Tap, Swindon

Singers’ Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham

Materials Presents: Nuvaman + Hedchef 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Marc Hopkins as Robbie 9.30pm - Groves Company Inn, Swindon

Friday April 13

Wednesday April 18

Church of the Heavy 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford The DeRellas + The Lone Sharks 8pm - The Three Horseshoes, Bradford Upon Avon

Cabbage 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Rascal Ft Boxia 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Aftershow Party

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Saturday April 7

Lilly Hiatt 7.30pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

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Gig List Wacky Wednesday 9pm - The Victoria, Swindon

8.30pm - Winchester Gate, Salisbury

Friday April 27

Thursday April 19

Banksy 9pm - The Crown, Lechlade

Heather Small - The Voice of M People 6.30pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford

Shame 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Rorkes Drift 9pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Rainbreakers 7.30pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

The White Buffalo 7pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford

Hipkiss Band 9.30pm - Groves Company Inn, Swindon

Pyrates 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon

Gender Roles 7.30pm - The Library, Oxford

Sunday April 22

Evolution 9pm - The Queens Tap, Swindon

Spotlight Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham Splat the Rat 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon Friday April 20 Rejjie Snow 6.30pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford Megson 7.30pm - The Pound, Corsham Rorkes Drift 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon

Rock School 3.30pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford MC Lars 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford Monday April 23

Gina 9pm - The Mermaid, Burford Rockbudz Duo 9pm - The Cross Keys, Swindon

St George’s Night Special 8pm - The Lamb Inn, Devizes

The Bright Eyes 9.30pm - Groves Company Inn, Swindon

Tuesday April 24

Rascal Presents: Chaos in the CBD 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Sally Ironmonger & Brian Carter 8pm - The Cellar Bar, Bradford

Saturday April 28

Wednesday April 25

Repercussions of Yesterday + Graves + Order#227 + Curfew 8.15pm - The Wheatsheaf, Oxford

Wolfbait 8.30pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Matt Edwards Band 7pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Marc Hopkins as Robbie 9pm - The Mermaid, Burford

Wacky Wednesday 9pm - The Victoria, Swindon

The Soul Man 9pm - Groves Company Inn, Swindon

Thursday April 26

Faux Fighters 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon

Don Broco 7pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford

Metal Gods 9pm - The Queens Tap, Swindon

Will Heard 7pm - O2 Academy, Oxford

Chaos Brothers & Mick Otoole 9.30pm - Groves Company Inn, Swindon

Singers’ Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham

Last Call 9pm - The Waiting Room, Swindon

Saturday April 21

The White Buffalo 7pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford

Volume #10 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford

Isaac Gracie 6.30pm - O2 Academy 2, Oxford

Spotlight Night 8pm - The Royal Oak, Corsham

Aftershow Party 11.30pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Nuttyness - Madness Tribute 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon

Mark Chadwick 8pm - Winchester Gate, Salisbury

Sunday April 29

Bomo Breakout with The Electric Shakes & C-30’s

Splat the Rat 8.30pm - The Victoria, Swindon

Ultimate Band 9pm - The Queens Tap, Swindon Mystery Box 11pm - The Bullingdon, Oxford Aftershow Party 11pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Electric Troubadours 8.30pm - The Lamb Inn, Devizes

Monthly Blues Jam 3pm - Fat Lil’s, Witney

Greg Coulson at The Bullingdon, April 11 - 7.30pm

Greg has his own special, fiery, impassioned brand of rhythm and blues, putting his own stamp on the music of the greats who inspire him - Ray Charles, Steve Winwood, Booker T, Taj Mahal, Steely Dan, Little Feat, and more.

Whilst Coulson is contemporary he also sparks life back into rhythm and blues with a punch of soul - his sound in incredibly alluring.

“The Best Band I’ve seen in ages!” - Mickey Gallagher (The Blockheads).

“The Crazy and exciting Organ solos of Greg Coulson” - Stuart Maconie, BBC Radio 6 Music.

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Agony Girl Five year old Amy has been loving the snow in March except she finds it a bit cold but she still finds time to do Agony Girl. We ask her the questions and these are her answers.... honest!

Dear Amy, I’m really confused. I find it really hard to talk to girls. When I do it all just comes out as gobbledigook. I just get too nervous especially if I want one of them to be my girlfriend. How can I get over my nervousness to get myself a girlfriend?

Barry, Swindon *giggles* Go to a salon to get your hair done and nothing else. Then talk to the girl and she might like your new hairstyle.

Dear Amy, What do you want to be when you grow up?

Tasha, Salisbury A teacher because it’s not much things to do.

It’ll be fun as you get to play all day and teach people. I got a scratch on my hand from Jessie the cat and one on my other hand from Ginny the cat. I’m a scratched girl by cats. Maybe that’s what I can be.

Dear Amy, My wife has decided that she wants us to take up ballroom dancing. My only problem is that I can’t dance and don’t want to embarrass her. What should I do?

Luke, Wroughton Get somebody to teach you and then you dance with her. I’m a really good dancer.

Watch!

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Dear Amy, I’ve got 12 guests coming over for dinner and I don’t know what to cook them. Can you help?

Dierdre, Oxford Cook them steak. You cut a cow and then you eat it. It’s simple.

Dear Amy, I hear you like to play Barbies. What do you do when you play with them as I’d like to take up this activity?

Izzie, Newbury I play with them and talk and make their voices different as mine. They go on adventures like to the forest.

Dear Amy, My dad keeps telling me off for not tidying my room. But I just can’t be bothered. How do I get him to stop?

Harry, Devizes Just tidy your room so that you don’t get told off. I don’t tidy my room and I get told off.

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