Ojai Quarterly - Summer 2024

$6.95

THE DINING DESPOT OF MEINERS OAKS HOW DOES TAFT’S GARDENS GROW?

Located within walking distance to downtown Ojai, this elegant family home has it all. Light and bright, you will love the open spacious floor plan. The beautifully detailed kitchen and den open to a sunroom, with a massive rock fireplace, which overlooks the private backyard and swimming pool. There are four fireplaces, a large office, downstairs primary bedroom with a ‘spa-like’ bath, formal living room and formal dining room — all with incredible details, balconies and patios to bring the outside in. This property, just over an acre, has an art studio, garden sheds, meandering pathways, a bridge leading to a five star chicken coop, orchards, vegetable and rose gardens, wonderful mature trees, views of the mountains and, yes, a Tree House. There is a one-bedroom attached guest quarters. Private and quiet.

This wonderful original Ranch Style home was built long before its time. You will enjoy the details this three-bedroom, twobath home has to offer. The spacious light-filled rooms and gorgeous gardens will draw you in and you won’t want to leave. This charmer is waiting for you to make it your own. One of Ojai’s hidden treasures you will not want to miss. Private and quiet, located on one Ojai’s most quaint roads.

EAST END MASTERPIECE

Welcome to this nearly 35-acre income producing ranch located in the prestigious East End of Ojai. Truly iconic ranch nestled between McNell Creek and the Topa Topa Mountains offering you a perfect “Pink Moment” nearly every evening. This 1920s farmhouse has four bedrooms, three bathrooms, remodeled kitchen and bathrooms, and a massive original rock fireplace. The light-filled rooms with large windows showcase the panoramic mountain views. There is a separate office/ art stdio and a separate two bedroom, one bathroom guest house. Plenty of room to park all your farm equipment in the oversized three-car garage. This ranch produces Ojai Pixies, avocados, Cara Cara navel oranges, and a variety of other fruit trees. With a high-producing well along with Casitas ag water meter and solar ...living off the grid never looked so good. Rare opportunity to be part of the Williamson Act for tax savings benefits.

A private haven just minutes from Downtown Ojai. This lovely .54 acre property offers exceptional views of the Los Padres Mountains and Lake Casitas and sits well back from the road. The high-ceilinged open plan main floor boasts a large living/dining area with stunning views, French oak floors, a wood burning fireplace, and a sleek, elegant justremodeled kitchen with custom cabinetry. A sunny bedroom/office and full bath complete the first floor. Upstairs, enjoy an additional 3 bedrooms/2 baths, with unobstructed mountain and sunset views from the primary suite (complete with walk-in closet and private balcony.) The spacious deck is perfect for stargazing, dining or morning coffee, and the large windowed garage makes an ideal art studio/band hangout, etc. Pick fresh oranges, lemons and tangelos from your very own Ojai citrus trees! Lots of neighborhood walking/ horseback riding trails to explore in this serene, tucked away gem of a neighborhood.

CLINTON HAUGAN

Realtor® | Cal DRE 02019604

805.760.2092

clinton.haugan@sothebysrealty.com

clintonhaugan.sothebysrealty.com

1221 FOOTHILL ROAD OJAI

$8,950,000 BUYER’S

Romance in Ojai! A timeless Classic, this enchanting storybook compound, set on 1.6 acres of magical, park-like grounds, is a dream! Set against a backdrop of vast Topa Topa mountains, this inspired distinct five-dwelling property offers the ultimate sense of relaxed yet sophisticated country living in perfect harmony with its natural beauty, located in one of the most distinguished neighborhoods in Ojai!

Peaceful sanctuary located in Upper Ojai ~ $1.645M

East End ~ $3.089M

Ojai’s

605 County Club Drive 1458 N Foothill Road

This Bill Mahan designed Spanish style home is a splitting image of his other architectural masterpiece, the neighboring Ojai Valley Inn. This home is an entertainer’s delight with the Ojai Valley Inn almost as your backyard; go to the Spa, play a round of golf, eat at the best restaurants Ojai has to offer or just walk the beautiful grounds. Surrounded by incredible views with multiple outdoor dining spaces and a beautiful pool and jacuzzi. The property is completely enclosed for those who seek privacy yet, conveniently close to downtown Ojai that is easily accessible by way of the bike path.

This private home has 5 Fireplaces, 4 Bedrooms, 3 1/2 Baths, a Media/Family Room, an eat-in Kitchen with Fireplace, a large Pantry, and a Laundry Room. The marvelous, private primary suite includes a wonderful Bathroom with a Fireplace and large amounts of closet space. Owner owned solar panels. Offered at $4,250,000 this 3624 Sq feet w 2 separate garages.

KELLYE LYNN REALTOR® 805.798.0322 kellye.cbps@gmail.com

DRE# 01962469 DAVE LYNN REALTOR® 805.207.8122

ojaipropertygroup@gmail.com

DRE# 01962468

This 2022 build designed for indoor-outdoor living blends modern and contemporary architectural styles and is set among heritage oaks on a private, gated, approximately .79-acre lot. Just a short drive from downtown Ojai and steps from Pratt Trail, this three-bedroom, 3.5-bathroom, 2,890-square-foot home features impeccable design and upscale finishes with incredible attention to detail. Features include an integrated-solar Tesla roof, limestone and sandstone countertops, rift-sawn cabinetry, 12- and 18-foot ceilings, Wolfe and Sub-Zero appliances, fire clay sink, Newport fixtures, wholehouse water filtration, Acu-Craft gas fireplace, glass garage door, and white oak, marble, and limestone floors. Each bedroom features an en suite bathroom, blackout shades, and a sliding door leading to outdoor living areas. This is one you really must see to appreciate the abundant features that make it an ideal primary or second home for entertaining guests and enjoying the coveted Ojai lifestyle.

SALES, RENTALS AND MANAGEMENT

Ojaipropertygroup@gmail.com 1201 Maricopa Hwy #109

Ojaipropertygroup.com

Dave Lynn | 805.207.8122

DRE #01962468

Kellye Lynn | 805.798.0322

12101 MacDonald Drive, Ojai

PRICE UPON REQUEST

This beautiful 4,397 sqft home is on 2.99 acres surrounded by stunning oak trees in the gated community of Rancho Matilija. The list of amenities are endless; all bedrooms have ensuites, main bedroom is on the ground floor, three fireplaces, vaulted ceilings, amazing 1,600 sqft garage (that has an RV bay), gorgeous pool and spa, and a separate 600 sqft large bedroom and office guest house with bathroom. This home is perfect to entertain and enjoy the privacy of the spectacular surroundings! Fantastic location, close to Ojai, Ventura and Santa Barbara.

Anne Williamson Realtor®, DRE 01448441

805.320.3314

anne.williamson@sothebysrealty.com WVOjai.com

Cassandra VanKeulen Realtor®, DRE 01929366

805.798.1272

cassandra.vankeulen@sothebysrealty.com WVOjai.com

OJAI QUARTERLY

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AMERICA, ENVISIONED

Joe Sohm, Roger Kellaway Collection Celebrates Patriotic Images Story by Richard Camp

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MERTON’S MAN

Ojai Author Collects California Writings of Famed Monk Story By Kit Stolz

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Editor’s Note

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Contributors

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Ojai Podcasts & 2 Degrees

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Arts Section

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Artists & Galleries

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Food & Drink Section

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Yesterday & Today Section

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Healers of Ojai

p.109 Calendar of Events

OJAI SOUP NAZI

Coolibah Restaurant Served Fine Memories, Strict Dress Code

Story By Mark Lewis

FEATURES & departments

Comprehensive Compassionate

Expert care you can count on.

Hospital Facility & Emergency Department

Our Ojai hospital is a nonprofit, community-based, acute care facility serving the residents of Ojai Valley. This 25-bed acute-care facility serves residents with a variety of critical services:

• 24/7 emergency care

• Inpatient care

• Imaging (MRI, x-ray, 3-D mammography & more)

• Laboratory services

• Transitional care (nursing & rehabiliation after hospitalization)

Community Memorial Hospital – Ojai 1306 Maricopa Hwy. | 805-948-1401

Continuing Care Center

As the only skilled nursing and rehabilitation facility in Ventura County located on a hospital campus, our 75-bed Continuing Care Center offers short-term and long-term care.

• Post-surgical care

• Short-term skilled nursing & rehabilitation

• Long-term, custodial care

• Hospice & palliative care

• Physical, occupational & speech therapy

• On-site imaging, phlebotomy & lab services

Phone: 805-948-2000

mycmh.org

OJAI QUARTERLY

Editor & Publisher

Bret Bradigan

Bret Bradigan

Creative Director

Uta Ritke Intern

Kate Fernandez

Ojai Hub Administrator

Julia S. Weissman

Contributing Editors

Mark Lewis

Jerry Camarillo Dunn Jr. Jesse Phelps

Columnists

Chuck Graham Ilona Saari Kit Stolz

Sami Zahringer

Circulation

John Nelson

SUBSCRIPTIONS:

EXPORTING OJAI

“If a child doesn’t feel the embrace of the tribe, they will burn it down to feel the warmth.”

— African Proverb

There’s a sense of urgent optimism in the orange blossom- and sage-scented Ojai air lately. The city’s $12.7 million grant from California’s Encampment Resolution Fund is part of that. In a state with nearly 39 million residents, snagging such a disproportionate share of the $192 million fund is a sign that the Little Orange, with fewer than 7,500 residents, is leading the way on one of America’s most tragic, and intractable, problems.

That’s an example of Ojai at our best. A quick list also shows the innovative efforts to stop freeways from crisscrossing our valley back in the 1960s, the gypsum and uranium mines in the 1970s, the 2,000-acre Farmont golf project in the 1980s, dubbed “Camp David West” where world leaders would come to solve problems and pay $1 million memberships, the Monson landfill project in the 1990s, the gravel trucks in the 2000s and who knows what next. John Broesamle, lead warrior in many Ojai conservation fights, early inspiration for the Ojai Valley Land Conservancy and Ojai Valley Defense Fund, said, “On average, there was a massive threat to this valley twice per decade ... I mean a massive, tooth-rattling, earth-shaking threat of the magnitude that would prevent people from wanting to live here or stay here.”

We should not take for granted Ojai’s natural beauty and sturdy social infrastructure without reflecting on the massive amount of foresight and hard work it takes to make it that way. We’re like the duck on the placid surface, with the furious paddling going unnoticed beneath.

We’ve got plenty of examples this issue. John Taft, a lifelong conservationist, celebrates his 90th birthday as he prepares to turn over his Taft Gardens to his granddaughters, while they expanded the mission to include an immersive residency program for artists. It’s another confluence of Ojai values. Kit Stolz reflects on the important new book, “Thomas Merton in California,” by Ojai author David Odorisio on the famed monk’s writings in California. The parallels between the contemplations of this important thinker and Ojai’s identity are astonishing.

The 20 women of the Moon Valley Choir, our cover story, lift their voices together, and by doing so, lift each other. As Robin Gerber tells us, the group has become much more than the sum of their parts.

Mark Lewis turns his talented pen to the famed restaurateur Sam Kovich, whose unassuming Meiners Oaks dining room, Coolibah, attracted world figures, despite, or because of, his cantakerous reverence for the art of the culinary experience. No tie for the men, no service. No pants or pantsuits for the ladies, no service either. And can you smell the wood-smoked deliciousness of Ilona Saari’s journey into the heart of Ojai’s barbecue joints?

Ara Guzelimian again shares his insights on the return of Mitsuko Uchida and how you could make a plausible argument that during the four days (June 6-9) of the Ojai Music Festival, there is more concentrated artistry taking place in this smiling vale than anywhere else on earth. Speaking of which, we extend those Ojai talents outward to Paso Robles with Jerry Dunn’s fun, and insightful, visit to “the forever home” for rescued animals at Conservation Ambassadors, and Chuck Graham’s trek to Namibia, which shares with Ojai a diverse and exciting range of animal and plant life.

As I’ve made clear many times, Sami Zahringer gets the last word because her writing encapsulates Ojai’s identity and values in her absurdist romps that reveal important truths through the prism of hilarity. You heard that right.

As a leading tourist destination, with as many as 800,000 visitors a year, we have enough of the world coming to Ojai. What we need, and what we seek to provide at Ojai Quarterly, Ojai Monthly and through our podcast, is to bring more of Ojai to the world. Please enjoy, reflect and share.

OQ | C ONTRIBUTORS

JERRY DUNN

worked with the National Geographic Society for 35 years and has won three Lowell Thomas Awards, the “Oscars” of the field, from the Society of American Travel Writers.

KATE FERNANDEZ is a student journalist at UCSB, who is majoring in English and minoring in Professional Writing.

CHUCK GRAHAM’S

work has appeared in Outdoor Photographer, Canoe & Kayak, Trail Runner, Men’s Journal, The Surfer’s Journal and Backpacker.

MARK LEWIS

is a writer and editor based in Ojai. He can be contacted at mark lewis1898@gmail.com.

is a writer who’s worked in TV/film, rock’n’roll and political press, and as an op-ed columnist, mystery novelist and consultant for HGTV. She blogs for food: mydinnerswithrichard. blogspot.com.

KIT STOLZ

is an award-winning journalist who has written for newspapers, magazines, literary journals, and online sites. He lives in Upper Ojai and blogs at achangeinthewind.com

ROBIN GERBER is the author of four books and a playwright. Check her out at RobinGerber. com

is an independent artist, designer and curator. She is a member of Ojai Studio Artists and runs utaculemann.design.

is an Ojai writer and award-winning breeder of domestic American long-haired children. She has more forcedmeat recipes than you.

ILONA SAARI

UTA CULEMANNRITKE

SAMI ZAHRINGER

OQ | ojai podcast

Ojai was first developed in the early 1870s by Royce Surdam, after purchasing 1,500 acres of land from railroad baron Tom Scott. Surdam relentlessly promoted the town sites, naming it Nordhoff after Charles Nordhoff, author of a popular book extolling California for its salubrious climate. His hype work paid off; in 1874 lots tripled in price, from $10 to $30 per acre.

IN BRIEF: OJAI TALK OF THE TOWN PODCASTS

OJAI’S TOP COP TALKS SHOP & LOTS MORE

Capt. Trina Newman, Ojai’s police chief and a 26-year veteran of the Ventura County Sheriff’s Department, begins her conversation with tales of raising rabbits and horses, and moves through the peculiar challenges of policing Ojai, why she loves small towns, and how law enforcement has changed in response to shifts in culture.

She also discusses the influence of social media, the Broken Windows theory of policing, why community policing is important, and her various positions during her decades with the Sheriff’s Department. (Ep. 181)

GETTING SCHOOLED ON OJAI’S INFLUENCE

Portia Johnson and Eden Munster, Besant Hill School’s head of school and a graduating senior, respectively, discuss why Ojai’s private schools have had such a positive and lasting influence on the community, the importance of art in education, and how Ojai stands as an example to the rest of the country.

Johnson grew up in Ojai and went to then Happy Valley School after graduating Matilija Junior High School. She became Head of School in 2019. (Ep. 182)

IS OJAI FUNNY? COMIC’S ANSWER MAY SURPRISE

Cary Odes, standup comedian and teacher, answers the age-old question:

“Is Ojai funny?” with a resounding maybe. Odes recently taught one of his eight-week standup comedy workshops, guiding nine aspiring comics through their lives to come up with five funny minutes to perform for family, friends and frenemies.

He’s been in comedy for 45 years and shares anecdotes and powerful insights. You can learn more about Cary on his website, thestandupworkshop.com. (Ep. 183)

OJAI AUTHOR’S SEVENTH BOOK TELLS TALES OF EAST & WEST

Catherine Ann Jones has published “East & West: Tales of India,” her seventh book. She looks at tales of culture clashes and India’s magic and mystique in a poignant, insightful and often funny way.

The author, playwright (12 plays and numerous television scripts)

LANA TURNER’S MOBSTER MURDER SCANDAL & OJAI

ONE: Lana Turner, the original “sweater girl” discovered at age 15, was a box office sensation through the 1940s and ‘50s, starring in such films as “Ziegfeld Girl,” “The Postman Always Rings Twice, and “Imitation of Life.”

She had a brief marriage to restaurateur Steve Crane, with a lasting consequence, her daughter Cheryl.

While filming “Lady Takes a Flyer,” Turner was aggressively courted by Johnny Stompanato, a mobster affiliated with Mickey Cohen’s criminal organization. The two embarked on a tumultuous affair, in which Stompanato’s

and actor discusses her career from growing up in Texas, to Broadway stages, then to India for a lengthy stay, before returning to America to write television for popular TV series “Touched by an Angel.”

She describes her journey to Ojai, her education in Jungian

depth psychology and her awards, including a National Endowment for the Arts award for “On the Edge” about Virginia Woolf’s final years.

She teaches writing through her website, WayOfStory.com. (Ep. 179)

SEPARATION TWO DEGREES BETWEEN

2 of OJAI

jealousy fueled physical abuse.

TWO: In 1958, Cheryl Crane was a student at Happy Valley School when she came home to Beverly Hills for a visit. Hearing an argument in which Stompanato threatened violence, Cheryl stabbed him in the stomach. He died the night of April 4th, 1958. The killing was ruled a justifiable homicide.

FARMHOUSE

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Have You Heard?

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OVER 533 ACRES IN THE STUNNING OJAI VALLEY.

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Build a sprawling private compound or realize your dream of creating a spiritual or wellness retreat, a championship horse farm with miles of trails, a vineyard, or whatever makes your blood race when you think of it. Water and electricity are already in place. For more details, visit our website at OjaiDream.com/portfolio and contact us for a private tour. Offered at $5 million.

SHARON

STORY BY RICHARD CAMP

happy 4th of July celebration begins this year on July 3rd with a spectacular show at Libbey Bowl. A host of musicians, singers, and entertainers will bring you a panorama of Americana, culminating in a multimedia show featuring music from the Grammy-winning pianist and composer Roger Kellaway, with lyrics by the iconic team of Alan and Marilyn Bergman, sung by rising star B. Valentine. Not to mention the unmistakable voice of Clint Eastwood.

The evening kicks off at 6:30 p.m. with a welcome from host and producer, Ojai’s Dr. Jim Halverson, whose performance in OPAT’s production of “Harvey” still has folks buzzing around town about invisible rabbits.

Vietnam Veterans of Ventura will present the colors, followed by a stirring rendition of our national anthem.

You’ll meet 4th of July Parade Grand Marshall Patti Bagley, then enjoy the gentle, joyous jazz of Jimmy Calire and friends, featur-

ing the mellifluous voice of Sophie Holt, who wowed audiences in OPAT’s Rodgers & Hammerstein musical, “A Grand Night for Singing.”

Winemaker, restaurateur and musician Joe Boccali will lead the Ojai Band in a memorable medley of marvelous tunes that’ll help celebrate America’s 248th year as a democracy. Then, the piece de resistance: a multimedia show that answers the question

“How do you photograph democracy?”

ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY, PHOTO BY JOE SOHM

In a stirring film narrated by Clint Eastwood, “Visions of America” captures the glorious images from the book of the same name.

The book is filled with photographs taken by Ojai’s own Joe Sohm, who spent three decades taking and compiling tens of thousands of photographs from across all 50 states; 1,300 of which are included in the book.

No less of an authority than Prince (now King) Charles of England said: (This book) “is a wonderful volume which captures the spirit of all that is best about the United States.” Best-selling author and travel writer Paul Theroux: “I was moved by the intensity of the color and light throughout, and began to think how America … is a place people seek, to stay for good, to raise families and vow never to leave.”

Some of the best and most striking of the book’s photos are featured in this beautifully produced and moving film which celebrates what unites the United States.

Think of this as a photo symphony, an evening that promises to be a memorable one as you sit under the stars enjoying this sweeping portrait of American life, accompanied by the rhythmic piano of Roger Kellaway with powerfully patriotic lyrics from the songwriters Alan and Marilyn Bergman; their Oscar-winning song, “The Way We Were” has become an enduring classic.

Singing this powerhouse song is international singing sensation, the Austin, Texas-based B. Valentine, who made her mark as the dynamic lead singer of The Rebirth, with its hit single “Being Thru the Eyes of a Child,” which charted at Number Five on the U.K. Soul Charts.

Ms. Valentine’s roots are in church music, which blossomed into her studies of classical and jazz.

She has shown her versatility across numerous platforms, including TV shows such as “America’s Got Talent,” and her range spans R&B, gospel, jazz, and international music.

Married to producer Eric Valentine, she co-created the chart-topping “Velvet Groove.” This past April she released “Love Me Still,” a soothing take on the Chaka Khan classic. Her soulful, funk-inspired music highlights her diverse vocal range and storytelling mastery and offers a breathtaking addition to the power of the Bergman-Kellaway song.

With production support from Joan Kemper’s Ojai Performing Arts Theater, this concert is free, and feel free to BYOP, Bring Your Own Picnic. Water and soft drinks will be available for purchase from Boy Scout Troop 504.

Mark your calendars, so you can jump-start your 4th of July on the 3rd of July, starting at 6:30 p.m., by celebrating the spirit of America with “Visions of America.”

ROGER KELLAWAY AND JOE SOHM, PHOTO BY LOGAN HALL

Mitsuko Uchida, one of the world’s most renowned pianists, known for interpreting a wide range of composers from Mozart and Beethoven to Ojai Music Festival staples like Alban Berg and Arnold Schoenberg, marks her third return to Ojai as this year’s Music Director, for the four days in June that bring together some of the world’s top talents in contemporary music.

BELOW: LJUBINKA KULISIC, ALIISA BARRIERE AND JAY CAMPBELL

ABOVE: MAHLER CHAMBER ORCHESTRA AND MITSUKO UCHIDA

INTERPRETED & CONVERGED

Uchida brings an ambitious program this June, along with a lot of her talented friends, including close collaborators the Mahler Chamber Orchestra, virtuoso accordionist Ljubinka Kulisic, soprano Lucy Fitz Gibbon, violinist Alexi Kenney and cellist Jay Campbell. Ojai’s Artistic Director Ara Guzelimian described Uchida as “one of the most eloquent classical musicians of our time.”

During last year’s Ojai Music Festival, Guzelimian sent a shock through the audience when he announced that Kaija Saariho, the Finnish composer whose music is familiar to Ojai audiences, had passed away at age 70. This year, Saariho takes a place of honor, with four of her pieces on the program.

As the Los Angeles Times described her, “Composers are often revered, but rarely beloved. She was both.”

Known for her insightful interpretations and profound musicality, Uchida’s leadership promises a memorable and enriching musical experience for attendees.

One of the highlights of this year’s festival

is the participation of the Mahler Chamber Orchestra, known for exceptional artistry and dynamic performances. Guzelimian said during a recent Ojai podcast interview that the MCO began more than 20 years as a youth orchestra and “bonded into this communal, cooperative ensemble. They now live literally all over the world and come together each year for projects … it’s almost like the electricity of summer camp, a reunion, and there’s such an energy and cooperation as a musician-run organization.”

In fact, he said the Mahler Chamber Orchestra plays without a conductor, and Uchida will face her piano toward the orchestra and will set the tempo and entries “baton-free.”

He said Uchida is regarded as “mentor and role model for the whole generation of American musicians.”

The festival performances begin Thursday at 8 p.m. with the Brentano String Quartet joined by Uchida on piano and Fitz Gibbon singing, with an eclectic mix of Haydn and Mozart, paired with two Schoenberg compositions. It will close Sunday at 5:30 p.m.

with the finale featuring the Uchida and the Mahler Chamber orchestra performing Haydn, Widman’s Chorale Quartet and Mozart’s Piano Concerto in G.

In addition to the evening concerts Friday and Saturday, other offerings are an 8 a.m. “Ojai Dawns” concert at Besant Hill School, a violin and video projection program with Alexi Kenney on Friday at 3:30 p.m. at Ojai Valley School’s Greenberg Center, morning meditations at Chaparral Auditorium and Kenney and Fitz Gibbon performing “Kafka Fragments” at the Greenberg Center. There is also a free community concert at Libbey Park on Sunday at 4 p.m.

For more information, check out Guzelimian’s Ojai podcast talk wherever you get your podcasts, or online at OjaiFestival.org.

STORY BY ROBIN GERBER

MOON VALLEY CHOIR DURING A REHEARSAL, PHOTO BY BRENDAN WILLING JAMES

the empty Ojai storefront abandoned by Dekor Home Furnishings, the Moon Valley Choir is preparing to rehearse. The space is a large, lofted, cement-floored room. White walls shine from rows of spotlights, an open staircase tucked to one side.

BOX

It’s Monday and the troupe of 20 women, mid-30s to less than 50 years old, are dressed for the chilly morning in earthy, easy clothes. Loose pants, cable knit sweaters, overalls, bandanas, sandals and boots. Call it Boho, that just rolled-out-of-bed, throw-my-hair-into-a-loose-bun-didn’t-bother-to-brush-it look. Less than a week from their biggest performance to date, there is a buzz of expectation in the room.

Choir director Rachel Kolar, tall and graceful, sinks to the floor

to warm up by caressing notes from her Monolina, a boxshaped kind of flat harp that’s often used for sound massage and meditation. She leans over the Shruti, an instrument from India that works on a system of bellows which produce mesmerizing drawn-out tones.

Rachel’s seven-year-old daughter wanders and stops, watching for a moment before searching for other amusements. The women shut off cell phones, have quiet chats and begin to form a semi-circle around Rachel. Drums, a djembe and cajón, along

SHRUTI

with various percussion instruments, are scattered behind the group.

There’s camaraderie in the room and a sense of fun. But when the choir begins to warm up their voices, as their vocal ranges weave and separate through their songs, there is magic. They watch Rachel’s arms guide the notes up and down, long and short. There are lots of smiles and nods to each other as they lift their voices to the rafters. They are serious about what they are creating and enjoying every minute of it.

The choir had its beginning in the magical alchemy of the Ojai Valley. When I ask Rachel how she became director, she laughs and tells me, “I don’t really know.” Rachel sang in the Los Angeles Ladies choir years ago and in a touring band for eight years called “He’s My Brother, She’s My Sister.” She had also run a theater company, but she had not told anyone in Ojai, where she’s lived for 14 years, that she wanted to start a choir. “It was small-town telephone,” Rachel says. “First one, then another, then another woman asked me if I was starting a choir. Finally, after the fifth time, I just said yes.”

Rachel invited the first woman who asked her about the choir to join, and then some local musicians: Sophie Holt, Rebecca Comerford, Erin Yee, and Marty Privett. Rachel calls the process of

building the choir “intuitive & emotional,” listening to her “inner voice” to determine if someone should join. The women call it a “psychic lottery.”

Besides choosing the singers, Rachel chooses the mostly original songs and venues for performances. “My role is choir director, holding that container, that space. It’s amazing energy with all these women and needs a lot of humor which so helps to hold it together.”

Although Rachel wrote many of the original songs for the upcoming performance, she explains that, “the songs became animated through the choir.” She points to the song “Trust,” with its poetic lyrics about working through despair. “Trust…Open to the sorrow, Love into the pain, Too late now to turn away so …Trust.” Rachel says, “I wasn’t sure we could write songs as a group, but it worked with ‘Trust.” Going forward, Rachel sees a lot of songs written through collective synergy with her choir sisters.

Marleen Seegers, who sings melody, is from Holland where she grew up singing and playing a few instruments. But she dropped music for years in favor of academics, despite her love of it. “As soon as I sang in harmony with others,” Marleen says, “I was always in joy. I was looking for that when I arrived in Ojai, bu-

THE MOON VALLEY CHOIR REHEARSAL, PHOTOS BY BRENDAN WILLING JAMES

couldn’t find choirs that I felt aligned with. They were classical, too serious, so I gave up.” And then, on a special retreat, Marleen felt a strong calling to music. A friend who was already part of the Moon Valley Choir introduced her to Rachel. “I travel a lot, but the choir gives me community. Singing together creates an unspoken bond. You show your inner self to everybody.”

On the night of the Moon Valley performance, 150 chairs fill the former retail space. A counter near the door serves as a bar where Maeve McAuliffe, part of the choir and co-owner of Rory’s restaurant, helps serve drinks. Seats fill fast, and a group of about seven children of choir members jump onto the lower part of the staircase, pushing eager faces against the rungs.

Peace is the concert’s theme. The choir considered: what would make this concert different? What was the signature of it? What would you want more than anything? Their collective answer was peace.

Rachel places her instruments on the floor, and the choir files in, each woman holding a candle, dressed in black and white and stepping with purpose into a semi-circle. Each has her own story. Their lives are full with jobs, partners and children, but the choir is their sacred space. For some, it is the best thing they have done for themselves in years. They are ready to give their music to the community.

This is Moon Valley’s most ambitious concert to date, with new songs in a new space. Rachel says, “Vibration and music exist in nature’s time, and have an archetypal quality.” As the first notes rise in the packed room, there is a feeling of being transported. The powerful, unyielding words of “Trust” with its mantra-like repetition break people open. More than a few are in tears. The rest of the concert touches on forgiveness, duality, reality, fun, pain and love for ourselves and the world. It is an invitation to deep introspection wrapped in sumptuous, ethereal sound.

Moon Valley is delivering more than a show. They are reaching for our hearts as they expose their own. They hope to heal and have brought that mission outside their concerts. One of their community projects is to sing to those who are dying, a beautiful act of compassion they plan to continue, suggested by Amber Deylon.

Amber is a choir member who says she lost her voice when her

mother died in 2019. An exuberant singer with a star-touched smile, she became a death midwife and grief guide because she had gone through a lot of death in her life. She created a program called “Grieve and Breathe.” The choir embraced the idea of singing to those who are going through their last passage, enlarging its power and reach. Amber describes the choir as “the best healing for me. I showed up with an open heart and mind, and now it’s my sisterhood. We’re one big sweet family.”

The concert ends with the Beatles, “Across the Universe.” The music grows more powerful as Moon Valley sings “Jai Guru Deva Om” (Glory to the Shining Remover of Darkness) and the audience joins in. The room vibrates with exuberance as we share not only the music, but the choir’s joy, love and peace.

(The Moon Valley Choir will host a two-day campout Oct. 5-6, in partnership with Tierra Sol and Topa Institute, check the website for more information, TierraSolOjai.com)

CA COMERFORD, JESS CIEN HENRIQUEZ; BOTTOM ROW, BETHANY MCCARTY, RACHEL KOLAR, AMBER DEYLON. MEMBERS NOT PICTURED ARE CAROLINE CORCORAN AND KIM DUDINE

THE MOON VALLEY CHOIR COVER PHOTO: TOP ROW, KELLY DONNELLY, MARTY PRIVETT, APRIL LEE, DARON HOPE, KARINA BROSSMAN, MARLEEN SEEGERS; SECOND ROW, BECCA FUCHS, MAEVE MCAULIFFE, ERIN YEE, KIANA REEVES, SOPHIE HOLT, MICHELLE GLOVER; THIRD ROW FROM TOP, MOIRA TARMY, REBEC-

OQ | OFF THE SHELF

his youth, inspired in part by Thomas Merton — an appealingly open-hearted mid-century Trappist monk who became famous around the world through his writings — the Ojai writer and scholar David Odorisio considered becoming a “contemplative” himself.

He thought of becoming a monk, in other words, like the virtually unprecedented Merton, a vastly curious explorer of spirituality. In his time Merton reached out to countless faiths and creative spirits beyond the Christian, from that of Indigenous first peoples, to Zen Buddhists, Hindu monks, Thich Nhat Hanh, the Dalai Lama, the Beat poets of the 1950s and the hippie protesters of the 1960s.

Impressed by Merton’s freedom of spirit, and in pursuit of a devotional life of his own, young Odorisio spent time at Daylesford Abbey, a semi-monastic community near where he grew up close to Philadelphia. He thought of his future and of his faith, and he didn’t know what to do.

“It’s something I deeply wrestled with,” Odorisio said, in the

DAVID ODORISIO

THOMAS MERTON

STORY BY KIT STOLZ

BOOK COVER

OQ | OFF THE SHELF

course of a long and thoughtful interview at the Farmer & the Cook, not far from where he now lives with his partner in Meiners Oaks. “And I think that struggle’s important — I mean, I obviously didn’t stay in the monastery. And Merton almost didn’t stay himself. The monastic life is supposed to initiate someone, but for many people, it doesn’t. For me it’s been about how do I take the risks of the monastic life and the contemplative tradition and integrate these into my life in the world?”

Merton himself struggled with these same questions, and in fact never entirely left the secular world behind. As an eighteen-yearold college student at Cambridge in the early 1930s, he stood out more for his drinking and for his carousing — he fathered a child out of wedlock — than for any spirituality. (Merton never saw the child, who with his mother was later killed in a bombing raid in the war.)

“Merton was not able to leave his humanity at the door of the

monastery, as much as he tried to, and as much as he wanted to,” Odorisio said. “He had to continue to wrestle with his emotional life and his sexual past.”

After leaving Cambridge, Merton came to Columbia University as a student, planning (as did Odorisio) to pursue a Ph.D in religious studies, but before attaining his doctorate, Merton took a sharp right turn towards the contemplative, auditioning to be a “postulate” in a monastery in Kentucky called Gethsemani. Because he pursued his duties there with piety and zeal, and wrote extraordinarily well, he was encouraged to make writing his devotional work, and in dozens of books and essays over decades poured out a profoundly influential spirituality.

“To read Thomas Merton is to read the story of your own life and to enter more deeply into conversation with your life, through this witness that Merton holds up for you,” Odorisio said.

One might imagine a cloistered monk in a small Christian hermitage in Kentucky to be focused solely on the example of Jesus and the words of the Bible, but among countless striking essays and ruminations on faith, in 1948 Merton wrote “an autobiography of faith” called “The Seven Story Mountain,” which became a global bestseller. To read the memoir is to understand Merton’s appeal: Merton writes of his life with candor and humility, mocking his youthful infatuations with pretty women and with communism, all the while scorning the “lures” of capitalism.

Along the way Merton gained countless admirers and correspondents, from the famous (such as Zen Buddhist D.T. Suzuki and the poet Gary Snyder) to the unknown. Merton’s fearless journey of self-discovery became a guiding path for seekers around the world.

By a curious twist of fate, Merton, the same uniquely inspirational figure who fired Odorisio’s imagination in youth, came into his life again in Ojai. Merton’s reappearance in his life on the one hand seemed almost destined, and on the other hand, beyond Odorisio’s ability to explain.

“It’s quite a mystery,” Odorisio said. “After the Thomas Fire, in the spring of 2018, I began hungering for a Merton project. I can’t quite explain it, because at that point I had been away from Merton for maybe 10 years or so. Two weeks later — honestly! — a significant Merton mentor in my life called me to ask if I wanted to edit what became “Merton & Hinduism: the Yoga of the Heart.’”

That 2021 book collected dozens of essays on Merton’s encounters with Hinduism, including a dozen essays by Merton himself, and many more by a variety of scholars (including Odorisio, who has taught at the Pacifica Graduate Institute in Carpinteria for 10 years). But although Merton’s spiritual eclecticism stood out in his time, what made him popular with all sorts of people around the world, Odorisio argues, was his ability to show readers the life of the spirit within them, even without their awareness.

In his new book, “Thomas Merton in California,” Odorisio draws from recordings of talks and correspondence and diary entries from Merton’s last year of life, 1968, which he spent in part at a monastery in Northern California called “Our Lady of the Red-

woods.” In it Merton speaks of a crucial concept of inner spirit, a seed of sorts, from the Islamic tradition of Sufism.

“Merton’s talking about this notion in the Sufi tradition that says that before the human is born, we have already said yes to life,” Odorisio explained. “We have already said yes to being here. And Merton talks about this notion of a covenant, between the individual soul and God, the Creator, that within each of us is a secret. Each one of us has a secret buried deep within us, and the work of our lifetime is to say “yes” to this process of uncovering and unburying the secret within us, and to figure out what that secret is.”

Odorisio has a professor’s gift for clear distinctions: he argues that, similar to the Islamic mystical tradition of an inner secret, a Christian mystical tradition of “the true and false self,” is at the heart of Merton’s most popular and quoted books.

“Every human being has within us a potential, a secret true self within, and we also have the potential to cover or mask that true self in a sort of falsehood or duplicity,” said Odorisio. “This is an ancient notion in the Christian theological tradition. Sometimes it’s framed as something like original sin, or sometimes in other ways, as in the Eastern Orthodox tradition, as being clothed in garments of falsehood. But despite these different framings, the Christian tradition, following the book of Genesis, agrees that human beings are made in the image and likeness of God, but that image is covered with all sorts of fabrications and falsehoods. And then it gets further convoluted, because of our addictions to consumerism and because of all the different ways we have to distract ourselves from saying yes to life, or to this deeper seed, this process of individuation inside of us.”

As an example of Merton’s take on individuation, Odorisio mentions a remarkable couple of essays Merton wrote at the monastery, one readily available on the Internet called “Day of a Stranger.” This is a linked set of observations from Merton about his contemplative life, an essay that sounds (as Merton admits at

OQ | OFF THE SHELF

one point) a little bit like Henry David Thoreau’s “Walden.”

“I live in the woods as a reminder that I am free not to be a number,” declares Merton, ruminating on the brutal reality that a Strategic Air Command bomber loaded with a nuclear weapon flies over the hermitage routinely. Merton knows that to the Air Force he is in fact just a number, but hidden in the darkness and rain in the forest at night, Merton finds a paradoxical freedom of mind in his solitude, which he believes necessary for self-discovery.

As he points out in another essay admired by Odorisio, “Rain on the Rhinoceros,” quoting an ancient philosopher named Philoxenos, “there is no justification for the solitary life, since it is without law. To be a contemplative is therefore to be an outlaw. As was Christ. As was Paul. One who is not alone, says Philoxenos, has not discovered his identity.”

Merton found his individuality and his faith in this ceaseless searching for meaning by prayer. Although it’s a difficult road to walk with sincerity, Odorisio believes that for many disillusioned believers, the mystics (Christian and otherwise) offer a balm to those put off by rigidly prescribed theology. Every winter at Pacifica, Odorisio teaches a course on the Christian mystics.

“From the feedback I receive from students, for many of them, this is a deeply healing and positive experience, because they are introduced to figures from the Christian mystical tradition, a tradition that is very very different from the kind of Christianity they have grown up with,” Odorisio said. “Many, many folks have

been turned off by organized Christianity, and some have been deeply wounded. It’s an extraordinary opportunity and gift to be able to introduce them to an alternative Christianity through the voice of the mystics.”

Self-discovery through contemplation fits well with another core concept in the teaching at Pacifica, the Jungian focus on “individuation” — discovering one’s own nature through a deeper understanding of one’s unconscious as well as conscious desires. For Odorisio — and for Merton, he argues — it comes down to a search for a deeper understanding, of life and of our inner self. As he declares in “Thomas Merton in California,” in a talk touching on faiths beyond Christianity, “At all costs, our real work is to deepen our lives.”

Odorisio, who spent a decade in the yoga center in Western Massachusetts before coming to Pacifica, believes that yogi practitioners and modern believers of all sorts face a specific challenge; without a central church or mosque or temple, we find ourselves in a “kind of a spiritual but not religious landscape,” he says, which makes it difficult to connect on a deeper basis.

The American consumer culture has turned us into “spiritual materialists” of a sort, as if we were picking and choosing our faith at a supermarket of religion.

But Odorisio thinks that Ojai, with its century-long tradition of alternative spirituality, has something much different to offer: a communion of understanding he often sees in the community, such as when he walks on Shelf Road, where people of all types interact as equals on the same path, regardless of religious affiliations or social hierarchies.

“I think that’s what makes Ojai such a special place,” he said. “Here we have many different paths, from Buddhist meditation practitioners, to Christian folks and undercover Christians, the Jewish community, and so many other different types of folks. I think it’s one of the beautiful aspects of life here, that we connect with each other as people and not necessarily as practitioners of this faith or that one, or even as one ethnicity. It’s not to say we don’t have problems, but there’s a human connection here I haven’t experienced in other places.”

a n y m o r e B u t n o w w e d i s c o v e r e d t h e m a g i c a l t o w n o f O j a i

a n d t h o u g h t t h a t t h i s w o u l d b e t h e p e r f e c t p l a c e f o r T h e

I v y t o r e - o p e n O u r w i d e r a n g e o f i t e m s i n c l u d e s a n t i q u e s ,

n e e s t a t e j e w e l r y, s t e r l i n g s i l v e r, E u r o p e a n p o r c e l a i n s a n d

p o t t e r y, l i n e n s , a n d e x c e p t i o n a l a n t i q u e f u r n i t u r e f r o m

a r o u n d t h e w o r l d A s a l w a y s a t T h e I v y, t a b l e t o p

a c c e s s o r i e s a b o u n d i n n e d i s h w a r e , c r y s t a l , a n d s i l v e r t o

n i s h o ff y o u r t a b l e i n s t y l e C o m e s e e o u r n e w l y

e x p a n d e d s h o w r o o m f e a t u r i n g e x c l u s i v e , v e r y m o d e r n ,

a n d u n u s u a l f u r n i t u r e , a r t , r u g s , a n d a c c e s s o r i e s . I f y o u

n e e d t o n d t h e e l u s i v e " p e r f e c t " g i f t , T h e I v y i n O j a i i s t h e

o n e - s t o p - s h o p f o r a l l y o u r n e e d s .

C o m e j o i n u s , a f t e r a l l : ' E v e r y o n e s h o p s a t T h e I v y '

Perhaps it was potter and “the Mama of Dada” Beatrice Wood’s influence, going back nearly 90 years. Maybe it even goes back further, to the Chumash people’s ingenious and astounding artistry with basketry. It’s clear that Ojai has long been a haven for artists. The natural beauty

FIRESTICK GALLERY

Firestick Pottery provides classes, studio/kiln space and a gallery abundant with fine ceramics. 1804 East Ojai Avenue. Open from 10 am to 6 pm every day. Gallery Open to the Public. FirestickPottery.com 805-272-8760

NUTMEG’S OJAI HOUSE

Featuring local artists, including William Prosser and Ted Campos. American-made gifts and cards, crystals, and metaphysical goods. 304 North Montgomery nutmegsojaihouse.com 805-640-1656

OQ | ARTists & GALLERIES

framed so well by the long arc and lush light of an east-west valley lends itself to artistic pursuits, as does the leisurely pace of life, the sturdy social fabric of a vibrant community and the abundant affection and respect for artists and their acts of creation. Come check it out for yourselves.

CANVAS & PAPER

paintings & drawings 20th century & earlier

Thursday – Sunday noon – 5 p.m.

311 North Montgomery Street canvasandpaper.org

KAREN K. LEWIS

Paintings, prints & drawings. 515 Foothill Road, Ojai. Viewings by appointment. 805-646-8877

KarenKLewisArt.com

POPPIES ART & GIFTS

You haven’t seen Ojai until you visit us!

Local art of all types, unusual gifts, Ojai goods! Open daily 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. 323 Matilija Street

DAN SCHULTZ FINE ART

Plein air landscapes, figures and portraits in oil by nationally-acclaimed artist Dan Schultz.

106 North Signal Street | 805-317-9634 DanSchultzFineArt.com

OVA ARTS

40+ LOCAL artists with a unique selection of contemporary fine arts, jewelry and crafts. 238 East Ojai Ave 805-646-5682 Daily 10 am – 6 pm OjaiValleyArtists.com

CINDY PITOU BURTON

Photojournalist and editorial photographer, specializing in portraits, western landscapes and travel. 805-646-6263 798-1026 cell OjaiStudioArtists.org

MARC WHITMAN

Original Landscape, Figure & Portrait Paintings in Oil. Ojai Design Center Gallery.

111 W Topa Topa Street. marc@whitman-architect. com. Open weekdays 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

JOYCE HUNTINGTON

Intuitive, visionary artist, inspired by her dreams and meditations. It is “all about the Light.” Her work may be seen at Frameworks of Ojai, 236 West Ojai Ave, where she has her studio. 805-6403601

JoyceHuntingtonArt.com

LISA SKYHEART MARSHALL

Botanical paintings with birds, insects and other fun elements. Open Studio: July 13th, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Info at: SkyheartArt.com or OjaiStudioArtists.org

TOM HARDCASTLE

Rich oils and lush pastel paintings from a nationally awarded local artist. 805-895-9642

Ilona Saari

STORY BY MARK LEWIS

Sam Kovich’s legendary Coolibah restaurant in Meiners Oaks pioneered the phenomenon of the celebrated L.A. chef who plants his flag in out-of-the-way Ojai.

The famously eccentric Kovich added a “Soup Nazi” twist by refusing to serve anyone who failed to meet his unusually exacting standards. Yet gourmands kept coming from many miles away to line up outside his door, hoping for admittance to his inner sanctum.

SAM KOVICH, LEFT, WITH FELLOW RESTAURATEURS IN 1959

THE FOODIES

of Ojai eagerly await the someday-soon-maybe reopening of The Oaks at Ojai Hotel, rebranded with its back-to-the-future name El Roblar. Local gourmands especially await the debut of the El Roblar’s new restaurants, names yet to be revealed, under the direction of Warner Ebbink and Chef Brandon Boudet.

Ebbink and Boudet together created Little Dom’s, the wellknown culinary mecca in L.A.’s Los Feliz district, and more recently Little Dom’s Seafood in Carpenteria. Their El Roblar Hotel projects will join a potent lineup of newish Ojai dining rooms with impressive L.A. pedigrees, including the Dutchess (formerly Azu), Rory’s Place (formerly the Village Jester), and the Farmhouse at the Ojai Valley Inn, with its “culinary ambassador” Nancy Silverton.

Some longtime valley residents roll their eyes at this influx of Angeleno impresarios, whose hipster-friendly joints seem to have crowded out such “regular folks” restaurants as Carrow’s, Jersey Mike’s and Casa de Lago (downtown version).

But in fact, the phenomenon of the successful L.A. restaurateur who seeks greener pastures in Ojai is nothing new.

It is at least as old as the Coolibah, a highly regarded restaurant with a very eccentric owner-chef, Sam Kovich, who presided over his Meiners Oaks cafe from 1977 until his death in 1993.

Like the Soup Nazi from “Seinfeld,” Kovich denied his food to people he considered unworthy to receive it.

His longtime patrons, who included many celebrities, put up with this high-handed treatment, apparently because the food was that good. Even after Kovich moved the Coolibah from the San Fernando Valley to Meiners Oaks, the world continued to beat a path to his door. This is his story, as best as we can piece it together.

SAM NICK KOVICH

was born on May 22, 1913, in Dekalb, Ill., about 60 miles west of Chicago. His parents were immigrants from Serbia. He turned up occasionally in the pages of the Dekalb Daily Chronicle doing typical high-school things: lettering in track and basketball, starring in a school play, helping to decorate the gym for the prom. His father and his older sister worked in a barbed-wire factory, but Sam had a different career in mind. After graduating from Dekalb High in 1931, he moved to Chicago to become a meatcutter.

Chicago, “hog butcher to the world,” offered plenty of work for meatcutters, but Kovich did not remain there for long. In 1933, he moved west to Bakersfield, where he continued to thrive in the meat business. By 1938 he had acquired a wife, the former Meta Diane Kofahl, and his own business, Grand Meat Market. Then came World War II, and he acquired a new profession: Army mess cook.

But Sgt. Kovich was no mere mess cook for the masses. He was assigned to the headquarters company of the 86th Infantry Division, which meant he was in effect a private chef for a two-star general – and generals, as a rule, eat much better than privates. Sam apparently made the most of the situation, using his four years in the Army to transform himself from a meatcutter into a gourmet chef.

FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: COOLIBAH DINERS JOHN WAYNE, RONALD REAGAN, MICKEY ROONEY AND JOHN WOODEN

Not much is known about Kovich’s doings between his discharge from the Army in 1946 and 1953, when he opened the Coolibah. He and Meta evidently divorced, because online records indicate that he married Parmalee “Pat” Rowe, a beautician from Oklahoma, in Las Vegas on Christmas Day of 1947.

The 1950 census has Sam living in Los Angeles and still working as a meatcutter. One former Coolibah customer remembers Kovich describing himself as a Korean War vet, so perhaps he went back into the Army after 1950 to further hone his culinary skills. If so, he was a civilian again by February 1953, when he opened the Coolibah in a nondescript shopping center on Ventura Boulevard in Woodland Hills. It was an immediate hit, including with movie stars.

“Mickey Rooney is stagging it almost every other night at Sam Kovich’s popular Coolibah café in Woodland Hills,” a Los Angeles newspaper reported a month after the restaurant opened.

He named it after a tree native to Australia which supposedly brings good luck to people who sit under its branches. Sam did all the cooking himself, wearing a suit, while Pat served as hostess.

“This is nothing but a home away from home,” Kovich told a Los Angeles Times columnist. “Everyone sits around and has a good dinner, like, say, for four hours, and a good time. It’s a Papa and Mama place and Los Angeles should have more of them.”

This Papa believed in dressing for dinner. The Coolibah dress code was strictly enforced: coats and ties for men, long dresses for women. There was no menu — you ate what Kovich decided to cook that day, usually a seven-course meal accompanied by separate bottles of wine with each course. He favored fancy French dishes, such as chateaubriand and crepes suzette. He surely didn’t grow up eating this sort of thing in Dekalb, but now he could cook them like a Michelin-approved Parisian chef.

“Chef Sam Kovich’s heritage is Slavic, yet he has gained French culinary fame in California by pampering the taste buds of wine and food fanciers from the San Fernando to Beverly Hills,” another L.A. Times columnist gushed.

Not everyone was impressed by Kovich’s highly theatrical and ceremonious approach to serving food.

“Mr. Kovich, poor dear, tries very, very hard, but it just doesn’t come off as the great religio-gastronomical experience it’s supposed to be,” sniped a Valley Times restaurant reviewer.

“I recommend this experience to you if you enjoy partaking of a meal that is served like High Mass [in] a coldly beautiful setting that has all the hilarity of a viewing room at the mortuary.”

IN 1977,

after 24 very successful years in Woodland Hills, Kovich pulled up stakes and moved the Coolibah to the Ojai Valley — not to

RONALD REAGAN & NANCY DAVIS

the Arcade, mind you, but to the far side of Meiners Oaks. He bought the building at the corner of South Arnaz Street and El Roblar Drive that had formerly housed Kay’s Ceramics, and converted it into a home for himself, Pat and the Coolibah, all under one roof. He blacked out the windows so no one could see in from the street.

“We heard ‘through the grapevine’ that he had closed his restaurant because L.A. was becoming too crowded and the traffic congestion,” said Pat Baggerly, who with her husband, Russ, lives near the South Arnaz Street site. The Baggerlys earned Kovich’s ire by opposing his plans to reopen the Coolibah there.

“We had a friend who told us if anyone mentioned our name to Sam that he would throw them out of the restaurant,” Pat said.

Saying “Baggerly” in Kovich’s presence was hardly the only way to get kicked of the Coolibah. Another way was to kiss your date while at table. Or wear a turtleneck sweater.

“Anything could trigger it,” said Wayne Francis, who sampled Kovich’s hospitality one night in the 1980s. “He would turn people away for no known reason.”

Francis enjoyed leafing through the scrapbooks Kovich kept on a table in the Coolibah dining room for patrons peruse while awaiting their next course. The scrapbooks featured letters from celebrities raving about his food — and letters of complaint from irate people he had turned away. He didn’t care if you had driven all the way up from L.A. Break one of his unwritten rules, and you were out.

But if he allowed you to stay, he lavished you with attention. He took you on a tour of his spotless kitchen, which showed no signs of food preparation apart from a pan of soup simmering on the stove. Back in the dining room, he moved from table to

table, sharing stories about his unlikely rise from meatcutter to mess cook to gourmet chef. When the main courses — roast beef Wellington, rack of lamb, chateaubriand — were ready, Kovich proudly carried them around the room on a silver platter while the patrons applauded.

“It was just an amazing experience,” Francis said. “It was a presentation. It was a performance. It was fun! And the food of course was wonderful.”

In his early days in Woodland Hills, Kovich had avidly sought publicity for the Coolibah. Now he shunned it. He didn’t even advertise, instead relying on word-of-mouth and the loyalty of longtime patrons. But publicity came to him anyway, because in the restaurant world, the Coolibah was news.

“What must be the most unusual restaurant in Ventura County has no menu, serves only three meals a week and is booked weeks in advance, is hard to find (in the phone book or on the street), and is run by a cantankerous septuagenarian who tells his patrons when to come and what to where, and makes them feel like he’s doing them a favor by letting them dine there,” wrote Ventura County Star columnist Chuck Graham. “‘Charming’ isn’t an adjective that Kovich cultivates, though – like so many genius types – he can be fascinating. He can also be insulting, and will be, to anyone who suggests that his place can be compared to a mere eatery.”

Nevertheless, Graham recommended the Coolibah to his readers, both for the quality of the food and for the entertainment provided by its oddball proprietor:

LEFT TO RIGHT: GORDON COOPER, JOE MONTANA

“It is, as the maestro claims, an ‘experience’ more than a restaurant, an experience that’s too singular not to be shared. … It’s really quite remarkable that little Meiners Oaks, which isn’t even a city, would have two of Southern California’s most memorable restaurants, Coolibah and Alan Hooker’s Ranch House.”

Many Coolibah fans who had been regulars at the original location now made the long drive from L.A. to Meiners Oaks, sometimes in limousines with chauffeurs at the wheel. Local legend has it that Ronald and Nancy Reagan were among the pilgrims who journeyed all the way to South Arnaz Street to get their Coolibah fix.

“From John Wooden to John Wayne, a lot of famous folks have found their way to Coolibah,” Graham wrote . “The San Francisco 49ers gave Sam an autogr aphed football commemorating one Super Bowl dinner. On my last visit, a fellow guest was astronaut Gordon Cooper.”

With so many repeat customers coming up from L.A., Kovich felt little need to attract Ojai Valley patrons, and sometimes he actively discouraged locals from trying to make reservations. Perhaps as a result, he is remembered negatively by many of his former neighbors. On Facebook’s “The Other Ojai” comments page, there are at least four threads about the Coolibah, with many references to Kovich as “weird” or “strange” or even “scary.” But Tom Patison, who worked there as a dishwasher in 1986 when he was at Villanova Prep, remembers Kovich fondly.

“He was just a really nice guy,” Patison told the Ojai Quarterly. “I had a really positive experience.”

“He was very particular,” Patison adds. “About everything. He was very set in his ways. Everything had to be done a certain way. But as long as you did what he wanted, he was nice to you.”

The years went by and the patrons kept coming, often from very far away. Among them was L.A. Times restaurant columnist Hillary Dole Klein, whose August 1992 review highlighted the Coolibah place settings “set with solemn magnificence.”

“Opulent centerpieces of flowers, candles, silver goblets and bowls of fruits and nuts dominate the tables,” she wrote. “Fivefork place settings are graced with an array of wine glasses. The effect is both elegant and somewhat surreal — a cross between a Dutch still-life and a ‘50s Hollywood film set.

“Mr. Kovich … spent a great deal of time with his guests, dis-

coursing, lecturing, reminiscing, even chastising. Now that I have been there, I think the main purpose of his culinary endeavor is to capture people and hold them in his complete power for an evening. … In any case, this was one of the most unusual dining experiences of my eating career.”

ELEVEN MONTHS

after that review ran, Sam Kovich died in July 1993 at the age of 80, and the Coolibah closed for good.

The old building is still there on Arnaz Street. Some years ago, the designer Ramin Shamshiri acquired it and announced plans to put up a new restaurant and retail center on the site, combined with an adjacent parcel previously owned by Warner Ebbink. The Baggerlys registered an objection to their project, but it advanced through the regulatory process until 2020, when Ebbink and Shamshiri shifted their attention to the bigger El Roblar Hotel project in downtown Ojai, in which they are partners. The two Meiners Oaks properties ended up in the hands of a mysterious entity called Ojai El Roblar LLC, which has not announced its plans. Meanwhile the former Coolibah building sits vacant behind chain-link fencing.

Kovich apparently never had any children, so there are no descendants to tend to his legend. But few people who dined at the Coolibah ever forgot the experience, or its owner.

Tom Patison recalls a time in the kitchen when the boss was watching him wash dishes. Kovich made a comment which seemed irrelevant to dishwashing, but which made more sense in the context of Kovich’s own career path.

“If you’re really good at what you do, if you’re the best in the world, then people will come from all over just to watch you do it,” Kovich told Patison.

“He was talking about himself,” Patison said. “That’s stuck with me my entire life.”

Sea FreSh SeaFood

Restaurant - Sushi Bar

Fresh Fish Market

Heated Patios & Full Bar

STORY BY ILONA SAARI

weather is warming and spring is springing around America. The lilacs are in the midst of their annual bloom, and families who don’t have outdoor kitchens are dragging propane, smokers, or charcoal grills out of the garage. In my childhood home in Bayside, New York, Dad would proudly roll “his” grill onto our back patio, signaling to my brother and me that summer was coming and school would soon be over.

Depending on where you live, barbecue has a variety of definitions at home and in restaurants. Growing up, our definition was my dad grilling steaks, burgers, or chicken over charcoal. I would watch his ritual of lighting the coals with lighter fluid and a long match, never fearing the flames would rise and burn down our brick house or singe my dad’s body.

When the coals were all white and hot, my mom would bring out a big platter of meat, burger rolls (if it was a burger night), salt-and-pepper shakers, and, if in season, corn on the cob. (To this day, grilled charcoal burgers are my favorite and flood my mind with wonderful memories.) No sauces — steak sauces or otherwise — ever graced our grill or dinner table.

OQ | FOOD & DRINK

Not so around the country, I discovered. In many towns and cities, you can’t have a real barbecue without a sauce, usually tomato-based. Hot or mild, the meats are covered in it … Texas is famous for its barbecue and spicy rubs on Texas beef. Full disclosure, I’m not fond of barbecue rubs and sauces ... well, except bacon western cheeseburgers, a delicious version you can find at

The Summit in Upper Ojai, along with other tantalizing barbecue treats.

If you crave a tri-tip barbecue sandwich, barbecue chicken, or barbecue pulled pork, you need not leave our lovely valley to feed your craving. Here are just some of the places in the Valley to check out and find your favorite: Mosey on over to

The Deer Lodge’s historic saloon/ restaurant

and order up their tri-tip sandwich or the St. Louis-style ribs. Maybe try their combo barbecue plate of tri-tip, ribs, pulled pork, and two sides.

Or, saddle up and head over to the Ojai Beverage Company for barbecue chicken wings or chicken bites. Try the pulled pork sandwich or its “Western Drunk Cheeseburger” with barbecue sauce.

Bonnie Lu’s has Tim’s Barbecue Sammie, a tri-tip or turkey sandwich. You choose.

Getting hungry as you shop in Westridge? Order up their tri-tip brisket barbecue sandwich or the barbecue burger to take home. If you can’t wait, step outside and enjoy it at one of the market’s outdoor tables.

Jim & Rob’s (and Lucy’s Cantina)

offers up a tri-tip barbecue burrito and a Baja Aja — a barbecue grilled chicken burrito.

Tucked inside the Ojai Valley Ranch Market in Oak View is the Q Time Barbecue Co., the market’s in-house butcher, baker, and candlestick – sorry — sandwich maker. If you need a real barbecue fix, pull into the Ranch Market and try one of Q Time’s grilled barbecue sandwiches hot off the grill. Pair with their fresh, homemade potato or macaroni salads, cole slaw, chili beans, or a healthful, local greens salad ... perhaps build your own burger or take home a freshly grilled half chicken.

Speaking of a bacon western cheeseburger, Sea Fresh has one, and. ..

Soon to include barbecue to its menu of pho, noodles, banh mi and more is Ojai’s new kid on the block, Ojai Noodle House.

Another new kid in town is TNTBBQ (and TNT Barbecue Catering) on Saturdays only from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. afternoon at the Sarzotti Park snack bar. Its menu includes tri-tip, brisket, and pulled pork sandwiches, along with burger choices, ribs, smoked chicken wings, and plenty of sides.

OJAI NOODLE HOUSE — CHICKEN OR BEEF BANH MI

But, say you want to grill at home and are getting bored with burgers, chicken or fish and would love a homemade barbecue steak sandwich, but steak prices are over-the-moon. Fear not!

Westridge Market offers one of the best steak deals in town. Many choice cuts that are showcased in its butcher section on day one, appear on its second day, rubbed with spices with a kick, and packaged for sale for a day-two discounted price. You will find these steaks in the neighboring cold display case along with other packaged products.

But what if you don’t have a grill (we don’t), but want that outdoor barbecue flavor and don’t want to leave home? Here’s what my husband does ... he sears that rubbed Westridge steak

in butter and olive oil in a cast-iron skillet atop the stove, then shoves it, still in the skillet, into the oven at 425 degrees for about 8-10 minutes for a medium rare, delicious, almost “barbecue” steak. Yes, necessity is the mother of invention, but so are food cravings, but I digress.

Back to barbecue in Ojai … hop on your horse (this is Ojai, after all) or jump in your car, truck, or trailer and blaze a trail from the east end to the west end of the valley and up the mountain to its summit, stopping along the way to taste all the barbecue Ojai has to offer. Whether sitting at the picnic tables in Q Time’s parking lot or sitting at the picnic tables in The Summit DriveIn’s patio, or going to any of the restaurants and take-out places in between, you’ll find plenty of barbecue flavors to savor.

TNT

— BBQ RIBS

DEER LODGE — TRI-TIP SANDWICH + TRUFFLE FRIES

Photo by Andraz Lazic

MINIMALIST WILDLAND SANCTUARY

On 44 pristine acres in Upper Ojai, this modern compound includes a 2700sf main house, a 900sf guest house, a pool and terraces all enfolded in the crook of a dramatic eastern ridge with unparalleled privacy and magnificent views of the Topa Topas, the Upper Valley and Sulphur Mountain. Designed by its architect owners to be a serene, airy, modernist experience completely in harmony with the landscape, this is a truly unique Ojai property that honors both the rawness of nature and the fearless possibilities of contemporary design and construction. Offered at $5,250,000

MOMENT ESTATE

A luxury villa/vineyard estate providing the ultimate in architecture, design, craftmanship, and setting. Brand new construction of the 5100 sqft, 4br/5ba home is finished with the highest quality materials, appliances and fixtures. An H-shaped floorplan separates private sleeping areas from public social areas. The open living area includes a chef’s kitchen, a 2-sided fireplace, and a wine tasting room. The grounds feature a 100% organic vineyard, pool/spa with epic views, and multiple courtyards and verandas to take full advantage of the spectacular natural setting. Offered at $9,750,000

Golden Oaks Glen - 3 Bedrooms, 2 Bathrooms, Spacious Primary Suite with 2 Vanities, Media Room, Two Fireplaces, Walk-In Pantry, Two Laundry Rooms, Over-Sized 2-Car Garage, Swimming Pool & Spa, Patio Fireplace, Built-in Grill with Bar, Family Orchard, RV Hookup & Much More

$3,995,000

Royal Oaks Ranch - 5 Bedrooms, Upscale Finishes Throughout, Media Room, Wine Cellar, Tasting Room, Gym/Massage Room, Pool & Spa, Putting Green, Well, Six-Car Garage, Bocce Court, Views, and So Much More RoyalOaksRanchOjai.com

Ojai Commercial Property with Parking Lot, Showroom, Workshop, Office, Breakroom or Storage Room, Two Bathrooms, and Great Location in Industrial Area Evolving into Hip Entertainment District 907BryantPlace.com

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Roca Vista Ranch - Seven-Bedroom Main House on Approximately 10 Acres with Pool House, Pool, Spa, Outdoor Kitchen, Three-Car Garage, Two-Car Garage, Artist’s Loft, Lighted Tennis Court, Family Orchard, and Horse Facilities RocaVistaRanchOjai.com

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Rose Valley Land - Create an off-grid, country retreat on 40 acres with mountain views, trails, and a natural spring in Rose Valley in the Los Padres National Forest

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Upper Ojai Land - Build your dream home on 1.25 acres in Upper Ojai with 20-25gpm well, water meter, Edison drop, and beautiful mountain views minutes from downtown Ojai. $697,500

72

Taft Garden’s growing

John Taft Celebrates 90 Years of Conservation With Family Plan By

Andra Belknap

82

People, Exotic Rescue Animals Interact

By Jerry Dunn

89 grit & grind

Ojai’s African Connection Explores Namibia’s Parks By

Chuck Graham

110 nocturnal submissions

The Unbearable Rightness of Has-Beens

By Sami Zahringer

except in the cities

STORY BY ANDRA BELKNAP

Earl Taft was born in Ventura in 1934. The eldest son of an avid hunter, Taft — who celebrated his 90th birthday April 18th — is a lifelong naturalist. He says he was born that way. One of Taft’s earliest memories is of walking hand in hand

Taft’s parents worked for Shell Oil, John Taft Sr. as an electrician and Virginia Taft as a switchboard operator. An early manifestation of their son’s passion for the wild was his fascination with hawks. “I read everything I could find on hawks,” Taft said, during an early spring conversation at the 264-acre Santa Ana

with his Grandma Jenny along Ventura Avenue, peering up at the hills. “I would say ‘I want to go up there.’(And) she would say, ‘No, you can’t — there are wild cattle up there.’ I can still feel her iron grip on my wrist. All I saw was the wild land and I wanted to be part of it.”

Canyon nature preserve and botanical garden bearing his name: Taft Gardens and Nature Preserve. “I looked at everything that was printed, went to the library, (everything I read was) hawks, hawks, hawks.”

YOUNG JOHN TAFT, 1940

JOHN TAFT, 2024

Taft recalls driving around east Ventura in the late 1940s in his father’s old pickup truck, the area was all “open land, canyons, and the like.” He delighted in climbing trees and collecting hawk’s eggs. Taft raised the chicks at his family home on Ventura’s Warner Street and trained the birds in falconry. “My dad would say, ‘John Earl, if you keep messing with those hawks you’ll never amount to anything!’”

Taft spent his early years working for his father, who founded Taft Electric in 1946. The younger Taft ran Taft Sr.’s appliance store. “I got $2 a day when it first started. It was nice… [but] I wanted to be on my own. (I wanted) freedom.” In his spare time, Taft followed his passion for nature by documenting his beloved wild spaces on film.

Taft met his first wife, Caroline, at the Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History, where she worked as a taxidermist. They married in 1960. The same year, Taft began touring the country and

making wildlife films with the National Audubon Society. By 1962, the first of Taft’s two daughters was born and the growing family was in search of a homestead. “We knew we wanted to build our life in the country,” Taft reminisced, “so we began searching up and down the coast for wild land that we could afford.” They eventually settled on the “tip top,” of the Ojai Valley’s Sulphur Mountain.

SECTION TWO

While Taft settled in Ojai, Ventura County was developing — rapidly. The area’s natural resources — oil, open land, fertile soil, and water — were highly valuable.

As the Ventura County Star-Free Press commented at the time, the area is home to “the best undammed water source left in Southern California.”

TAFT AS AN AUDUBON LECTURER, 1964

“There was a movement to build two dams in the Sespe Creek,” Taft explained.

“They said, ‘We have to have more water to feed our citrus trees in Oxnard,’ basically.”

In 1966, the United Water Conservation District sought voter approval of a $90 million “Sespe Dam Project.” The Star reported:

“The kind of vote United would like would be what the county’s only other Bureau of Reclamation-built project got back on Nov. 29, 1955. On that day, voters of West Ventura and the Ventura River Valley went to the polls to give a thumping 30-to-1 majority, more than 8,000 votes “yes” and only 271 “no,” to a similar contract to build the Casitas Dam project for the Ventura River Municipal Water District.”

“The condors nested in the (Sespe,)” Taft explained. “As you built the dam, you were going to destroy the condor.”

He also recognized local political realities: at the time, the condor’s plight didn’t necessarily move voters. In alliance with environmentalists like Gene Marshall and local Audubon groups, Taft formed an organization he thought would resonate with the electorate: Taxpayers Against the Sespe Project.

Taxpayers Against the Sespe Project spread their message in the Star-Free Press, arguing in advertisement form that the project was a “taxpayer boondoggle” that wouldn’t bring the prosperity United was promising.

Taft, then the leader of the Ventura Sierra Club, was predictably concerned about the Sespe’s resident bird of prey: the California condor.

March 15, 1966, the day of the special election, Taft and friends took their message directly to the voters. “Gene Marshall and I rented a megaphone on a car and drove up and down the streets,” he remembered. Taft and Marshall made announcements like, “You’re going to have higher taxes, vote no on this scandalous operation!”

ARCHIVAL IMAGES: VENTURA COUNTY STAR-FREE PRESS

ARCHIVAL IMAGES: VENTURA COUNTY STAR-FREE PRESS

The next day, initial vote totals revealed a narrow defeat of the project. The final count showed a razor-thin margin of 32 votes.

A recount later confirmed the proposed dams’ demise: 7,499 votes in favor and 7,531 votes against.

Sespe Creek remains dam-free to this day. As the Star-Free Press observed in 1966, “The California Condor… doesn’t vote, but has friends who do.” Thirty-two votes altered the history of Ventura County.

Development loomed in the Ojai Valley, too.

As former Ventura County Supervisor Ralph “Hoot” Bennett observed in late 1968, “Ventura County had a population of 18,000 (In 1912). By 1968, the population numbered 340,000 people and as of today, it numbers 360,000. That means 20,000 people … moved into Ventura County in the past six months. Those people moved in without a decent road in the area, no planning of the road system.”

In the Ojai Valley, that lack of transportation planning manifests on Ojai Avenue: the primary thoroughfare through the city is also designated as State Route 150.

By the early 1960s, the State Division of Highways (today known as CalTrans) began studying alternate routes through the valley — an alternative “scenic highway,” or, as some residents feared: a freeway running right through what was then a city of 5,000 people.

“I saw the Ojai City Council excited about it,” Taft recounted while cruising Taft Gardens in his golf cart, “So we decided that the City Council had to be changed.” That conversation marked

the formation of another highly impactful local political group: the Citizens to Preserve the Ojai. Their efforts are described in an October 1968 edition of the Ojai Valley News:

“The [Citizens] to Preserve the Ojai, a group originally formed to block route adoption of Highway 150 into a scenic highway, is making a last-ditch stand with a petition that will seek to convince the state that a large number of residents in the Ojai Valley prefer no action by the state at this present time. ”

ARCHIVAL IMAGE: VENTURA COUNTY STAR-FREE PRESS

Now, theirs was not your average petition. As Taft will tell you, “A petition is worthless. Anybody will sign a petition.” Instead, the Citizens hired an engineer to draw a parcel map of the entire Ojai Valley.

They surveyed every household in the valley and marked those op -

posed to the proposed freeway on the map in red.

“At the final Board of Supervisors hearing (on the matter) we presented the map, which was entirely marked red except for one five-acre parcel owned by a City Councilman,” Taft recalled. “It was clear the public did not support the freeway so the Supervisors voted it down.”

A November 13th, 1968 Ojai Valley News article tells a similar story: “If any Ojai residents are in favor of the proposed scenic freeway for the Ojai Valley, there was no evidence of it at the Board of Supervisors yesterday.”

By 1969, the State was expected to “close out route studies on the 14-mile section of the proposed Route 150,” according to Ojai Valley News reporting at the time. “In the end, for the first time ever in California, the State Maps were revised with the removal of the freeway to Ojai,” Taft said.

LEFT: OJAI VALLEY RESIDENTS ATTEND A 1968 MEETING REGARDING THE PROPOSED HIGHWAY

SECTION THREE

As the decade came to a close, Taft acquired the wildland property of his dreams in Santa Ana Canyon near Ojai’s Lake Casitas (the result of the 1955 voter-sanctioned dam). It would become the Taft Gardens and Nature Preserve. Initially, Taft considered developing the property into a campground for Casitas visitors. Later, he thought the land could host an orchard (and create an additional income stream).

“I brought in a professional to visit the property,” Taft recalled. “He said the land was suitable for 75 acres of orange orchards. But as he was leaving he turned to me and said, ‘But that would be a shame, wouldn’t it?’ I remember thinking that might have been the voice of providence.”

“Next I investigated planting an avocado orchard,” he continued. “I found a man who agreed to plant 18 acres of avocados where the (botanical) gardens are now. But something happened and he never came to do the work. I called him a few times and he said he was coming, but never did. I took that as a sign. It was the end of my agricultural aspirations for the land.”

Divine providence acted again, according to Taft, a few years later while he was tending to the cabbages in his Sulphur Mountain garden. This time, however, providence came via a voice in his head.

He heard the words, “‘Go back. You have to go back to Ventura.’ Taft stopped. He looked around, and thought, ‘What does that mean?’

Taft followed the mysterious command, drove his truck through the Ventura plains, and decided to follow a billboard that read, “For Sale: 47 Acres.” Taft came across the owner and learned the land was home to an old walnut orchard. Suddenly, he realized why the parcel felt familiar: his grandfather was once the steward of this very orchard. Sensing fate, Taft — alongside a partner from Taft Electric, Bud Hartman, — ultimately purchased 170 acres of land in what would become downtown Ventura.

It’s one of “a hundred” cases of destiny he’s experienced in his life, Taft said. “I had to go back and then everything clicked into place,” he said, gesturing at the Taft Gardens.

The next decade of Taft’s life mirrored the story of the growing county. Acreage he purchased along Ventura Avenue became

lucrative commercial property for heavy industries like welding, fabrication and oil field services. In 1982, Taft and Hartman opened a $15 million, 250,000-square-foot shopping center in Ventura: Telephone Road Plaza.

What made the shopping center project unique, according to a July 1982 article in The Star, “is that Taft plans to use the money he makes from the developments to pump money into his major obsession — helping the environment. ‘I just feel a calling that’s deeper than anything I can explain,’ (Taft) said.”

Using profits from the development, Taft poured resources into the Conservation Endowment Fund — the nonprofit organization that funds the Taft Gardens and Nature Preserve’s activities to this day. Following the success of his development activities, he added a world-class botanical garden featuring his favorite plants from Ojai’s “sister climates” in Australia and South Africa. Taft protected the remaining 200 acres of the property in a conservation easement with the Wildlife Land Trust.

Still, his business activities cost him some old friends.

“‘I’ve lost some good friends by being classified as a developer — people don’t speak to me anymore,” Taft told the Star-Free Press. “I used to be highly involved in the Citizens to Preserve the Ojai

— one of the founders in fact.

“I gave years of my life and money to that organization. It was amazing when they found out I was developing real estate, they just turned me off like you’d throw an old dead flower out the door.

“I could never quite understand that. I never went out and developed property that was pristine or that couldn’t be developed.’ The land, he said, was to be developed anyway according to city plans, so why not have someone who cares about it develop it?”

SECTION FOUR

As the botanical garden matured and Santa Ana Canyon recovered from a devastating fire in 1985, Taft, alongside his second wife Melody, founded The International Center for Earth Concerns (ICEC). During the 1990s and early 2000s, ICEC hosted thousands of local schoolchildren at the gardens and nature preserve — including your author. ICEC also donated a “floating classroom” to Lake Casitas. The classroom — managed by the Rotary Club of Ojai West — floats on Lake Casitas to this day. The days of bringing busloads of young students to the garden, however, are over due to traffic complaints from neighbors. That’s

TAFT GARDENS

one of the first challenges Taft’s granddaughter, Jaide Whitman, confronted when she took over management of the Conservation Endowment Fund in 2019.

Whitman, the daughter of Julia Taft Whitman, was born and raised in Santa Ana Canyon. As a child, Whitman didn’t have neighbors to play with, but acres of wilderness to explore. “I had to entertain myself in nature,” Whitman said. “It created a sense of closeness and a sense of relationship. Now, if I’m out in nature, I don’t feel alone. I don’t get lonely because I have that deep connection with place.”

Whitman aims to share that feeling of connectedness in nature with the broader community. “What we have and what I’ve been born into and the position that I’ve stepped into comes from a place of enormous privilege,” she reflected. “My vision is about, how do we protect this and how do we share this?”

Whitman is not alone in carrying her grandfather’s work forward: her cousin, Alexandra Nicklin (daughter of Jenny Taft) is the Garden’s visitor coordinator. In 2022, the cousins planted the Taft Pollinator Garden to raise awareness about declining pollinator populations nationwide. They’re now hard at work on white sage and milkweed restoration projects in the nature preserve. October 2024 will be branded “Monarch Month” at the Taft Gardens to draw attention to the monarch’s plight. (October 2023, delightfully, was known as “Oaktober”).

“(Our grandfather) put his heart and soul into the botanical garden, Whitman said. “So it kind of feels like Alexandra and I are putting our heart and soul into the nature preserve.”

In 2020, Whitman partnered with local artist Cassandra C. Jones to establish the Taft Gardens’ Art in Nature residency. Eighteen local artists have created original work in the gardens since the program’s founding. Whitman has also reimagined her grandfather’s educational programming in partnership with local native plant educator Lanny Kaufer and forest therapy guide Elena Rios.

With his granddaughters now running the nonprofit, Taft spends much of his time cruising the gardens in his golf cart. He loves to greet visitors, share stories, and offer rides around the property.

He brushes off words of thanks, though. “You’d never thank a person for doing what he’s inclined to do,” Taft says. “Thank me when you see me mopping floors or painting walls, but not for saving nature.”

To learn more about the Taft Gardens and Nature Preserve or schedule a visit, go to: taftgardens.org

Andra Belknap publishes long-form journalism and commentary on Ojai politics, government, and culture at andrabelknap.substack.com

JOHN TAFT WITH HIS GRANDDAUGHTERS

ALEXANDRA NICKLIN AND JAIDE WHITMAN

OjaiValleyMuseum.org

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE

KIND

Out on the dusty ranchland near Paso Robles, we walked up to the front gate of the Conservation Ambassadors sanctuary. My wife, Merry, and I had come for a private, hands-on visit with a menagerie of wild and exotic animals.

STORY BY JERRY CAMARILLO DUNN, JR

Merry, a former feeder at the Santa Barbara Zoo, is a nutball for animals and basically wants to hug and kiss any critter she meets. You can’t do that at a zoo, but here it’s the whole idea. Unique among wildlife sanctuaries, Conservation Ambassadors wants you to get to know the animals — feed them treats, cuddle them — and fall in love.

Assistant Director Lisa Jackson was there to welcome us. A petite blonde in jeans and boots, she had a canvas Trader Joe’s bag slung over her shoulder. Lisa handed it to Merry, and I figured it held snacks and water bottles for our tour.

Instead, a baby kangaroo popped his head out. Merry melted. His cuteness factor was off the charts. “He’s seven months old,” said Lisa, “which I know because I watched this one being born.”

Merry gave him a pat and a scritch. Lisa nodded: “His favorite spot is right under the chin!”

CONSERVATION AMBASSADORS

was established by Lisa’s husband, David, on 40 acres of family land. He and Lisa had first met when she was in her twenties and worked at Sea World riding killer whales (!). They got together two decades later.

David earned a degree in exotic animal training and zoological management from Moorpark College’s acclaimed program. His dream was to create a rescue zoo, a place where unwanted and

DAVID AND LISA JACKSON WITH A FEW OF THE RESIDENTS UNDER THEIR CARE

unreleasable animals could find sanctuary. The wild and exotic residents all come from broken homes — illegal to keep as pets, abandoned, abused, or permanently injured — and couldn’t survive in the wild. Conservation Ambassadors becomes their forever home, a place to retire in comfort and be surrounded with love.

The animals have included Charlie the cougar, which a drug dealer in Northern California kept in his house to make him look cool. (During the FBI bust, agents discovered Charlie in the attic.) Another rescue, Maya, is a spider monkey that somebody threw in a dumpster in Los Angeles.

David wanted to give these animals a second chance at life. One solution was to make them ambassadors for their species as part of the sanctuary’s “Zoo to You” programs, which conduct outreach at about 300 schools a year. He and Lisa also used to bring fuzzy guests to birthday parties for the children of celebrities, including Arnold Schwarzenegger.

But Covid put a years-long hold on these sources of financial support for the sanctuary and nearly drove it to extinction. So Lisa came up with a life-saving idea: offering private tours. “Our animals are all friendly and handleable,” she points out, “because we take them to schools every day.” And so was born the upclose-and-personal experience Merry and I were just beginning.

INSIDE THE FRONT GATE

a kookaburra, a large Australian kingfisher, sat on a perch to greet us. Lisa threw back her head and let loose a raucous call. The kookaburra answered back with an identical ear-piercing squawk.

The kookaburra’s call soon morphed into the classic hoo-hoohoot of laughter we’ve all heard in the soundtracks of jungle movies. The feathered jester was laughing his head off, his beak flapping, his belly shaking. Slowly he settled down to chuckles, then tapered off to soft giggles. Quite the hello!

DAVID WITH ALLIGATOR AT A SCHOOL EDUCATION SHOW

KOOKABURRA

Despite the name, Lisa explained, these particular kingfishers don’t eat fish, but go after terrestrial prey: mice, reptiles, insects. We would learn fascinating facts about the animals with each encounter along our way.

Next we followed Lisa into a flight enclosure the size of an airplane hangar. A bristly capybara — known to trivia fans as the world’s largest rodent — spied her and trotted over. “Hi, Wesley!” She handed him a tiny pumpkin, which he gnawed enthusiastically. “He’s like a beaver,” she said. “His teeth keep growing.” In the wild in South America, capybaras spend most of their time swimming and eating water plants. Lisa gestured at a nearby pool of water. “But not Wesley, oh no. ‘It’s too cold! I’m not going in today!’”

Our next encounter: a Harris’s Hawk named Chantico. The handsome bird of prey sat on a high perch at the far end of the flight enclosure, about 40 feet away. Merry was issued one leath-

er arm sleeve and one deceased, very tiny white mouse to hold atop her gloved fist. When Lisa called out, the hawk swooped at high speed directly toward Merry’s face. (My intrepid wife didn’t flinch.) The magnificent bird air-braked by spreading its wings wide, made a neat landing on Merry’s arm, and plucked up the treat.

With feathers of brown, white, and chestnut red, Harris’s Hawks are the most social of North American raptors, and their ease with humans makes them popular with falconers — and wildlife education programs. At Lisa’s command (“Back!”), Chantico flew off to his distant perch.

In a pool nearby, a pair of river otters, Tucker and Ollie, were lazing about. Former illegal pets, they were confiscated from a Florida couple who kept them in the bedroom. Today, said Lisa proudly, “they’re really the only trained otters anywhere. I get the

GUESTS WITH HARRIS’S HAWK

call when Hollywood wants one, whether it’s for a late-night TV show or a Disney movie. As long as the project delivers the right conservation message, we do it.

“These two are trained to jump in a river or lake, swim, catch fish, and come right back to me. I also have a signal that means ‘Go play!’ kind of like you would with your dog.”

Lisa sat Merry down in a folding chair and plopped a damp otter in her lap. Merry laughed with delight and fed it a snack of raw chicken necks.

TOP: BABY RIVER OTTER

BOTTOM: AFRICAN PORCUPINE

Moving along through the sanctuary, we met an African porcupine named Mo. His black-and-white quills are hollow and sound like a rattlesnake’s tail when he shakes them. Porcupines don’t “shoot” their quills, we learned, but raise them all at once to deter close encounters with predators. “In Africa people kill porcupines for their quills,” Lisa lamented, “but they don’t need to. Mo loses a few quills every day, just like we lose our hair.” She picked up a couple for us to take home.

“Oh!” she added. “Mo likes his ears scratched. If you can find them.”

A SHORT RIDE

on the cute cars of the “animal train” took us to Lisa and David’s house, also part of the sanctuary. Through a gate we entered the “Outback” –aka their backyard, whose fence was painted like an Australian sunset for the resident kangaroos. We were introduced to Ruby, whose pouch held a three-month-old joey. (Fun Fact: When a baby kangaroo latches onto the mother’s nipple, it swells in his mouth, and that holds him fast so the little one can’t tumble out of the pouch.)

Merry sat in a chair and Lisa handed her a small kangaroo named Kylo. He wasn’t exactly infant size — his legs sprawled comically off Merry’s lap — but Kylo drank from a bottle just like a baby.

We’d been eagerly anticipating our next meet-up: a black-andwhite ruffed lemur named Bacari. Holding a lemur had topped Merry’s wish list since her days working at the Santa Barbara zoo, where the lemurs were lovable and friendly, but out of reach inside their cage. Now, cradled in Merry’s lap, Bacari reached

out his tiny black hand to hold hers. He nibbled a piece of sweet potato from her fingers as she cooed over him and told him how cute he was.

Suddenly the 25-year-old Madagascar fuzzball made a flying leap, landed on my shoulder, and clambered up on top of my head. As tree dwellers in the rainforest, lemurs prefer to see the world from the highest available spot — and right now, at six feet, six inches, that was me. It felt like I was wearing a helmet with feet, a sensation I won’t forget. (Sadly, Bacari has since passed away, but his son Peeves now greets visitors.)

NEXT WE HEADED

to the sanctuary’s zoo area, driving along a fence separating us from a flock of Australian emus. The big flightless birds started trotting along with us, as if we were all out for a jog.

At the zoo David joined us next to a cage holding two black ravens. He spoke like a proud father: “This one’s my baby, BLT. He has a brain the size of a shelled walnut, but he’s smarter than a chimpanzee.” BLT arrived at the sanctuary after his nest fell from a tree. A man tried to save the babies, but ravens are against the law to keep and difficult to care for. Only BLT survived.

David turned to his beloved raven and sang out, “Good boyyyy!” The brainy bird tilted his head and sang back the same words in a perfect imitation of David’s voice. Then to our surprise, the female croaked out her own impersonation of BLT impersonating David (!). “Good boyyyy!”

The two capuchin monkeys we met next had a dramatic backstory. As illegal pets kept by a couple back East, they were confiscated by authorities and the court decided to place them with David and Lisa. Meanwhile the male got the female pregnant.

“Please,” begged the official who phoned David in California, “come pick them up fast!” David immediately drove across the country, and on the way back the female gave birth in his truck. It was like the classic movie scene of a woman having a baby in the back seat of a taxi as it races to the hospital.

Our last stop was a highlight, the rare chance to meet a tiger. As we approached her cage and Sima spied David and Lisa, she began to “chuff.” (Tigers can’t purr, but they make short puffing sounds when they’re happy.) Sima was four months old when she arrived at the sanctuary, and David had raised her by hand.

(She has since passed away at the ripe old tiger age of 21. As Lisa observes, when you have older or compromised animals, death is inevitable.)

Lisa stepped up to the cage, and the regal tiger rubbed her head against the bars so her human could pet her. “She’s like a kitten,” said David. He took a moment to explain their unique method of raising wild animals. “The training we do is basically ‘no

DAVID GIVES MILK TO SIMA

GUESTS WITH CAPUCHIN MONKEY, CAPYBARA

JERRY, LEMUR

negatives.’ We ignore bad behavior and pay attention to good behavior,” he said. “Negative reinforcement is the traditional way of training big animals, and that’s because trainers are basically afraid of them! The theory is that if you dominate them when they’re young, they’ll respect you when they’re older.

“It’s just not the case,” he said. “If you walk a young tiger and it grabs your leg when you take a step — which is their normal, growing-up, prey capture practice — you just stop and do what we call ‘Be a Tree.’ You wait. You’re not fighting, you’re not telling them to knock it off. It’s not a game anymore. You become as boring as a tree. Pretty soon you can take two steps, then three — and six months later, you can walk all around without them latching on.

“We give lots of attention, though, when the tiger does something good. It’s a time-consuming method of training, but we’re going to be working with this animal its whole life,” David points out. “Someday it’s going to weigh 350 pounds and have four-wheel drive. It’ll be able to take me out! I’m not going to fight it then, so why fight it now?”

As David talked, Sima pressed up against the bars. He smiled. “She’s always been so sweet.”

In a zoo, wild cats often move far away in their cages when people approach. But Sima came as near as she could get, chuffing happily and looking at us with warm eyes. We could feel a connection, a sense of companionship.

And now we understood: Fostering affection between animals and people is the whole mission at Conservation Ambassadors; it’s the reason the sanctuary exists.

Grateful, Merry and I left for home, mission accomplished.

MEETING THE ANIMALS

Conservation Ambassadors: ➞ www.conservationambassadors.org

➞ Phone: 805-391-0604

➞ 2445 Adobe Rd., Paso Robles

Two-hour encounters like ours, private and personalized, cost $685 for the first two guests and $175 for each additional guest.

Glamping in a safari tent that accommodates up to five people costs $500 per night and includes a twenty percent discount on an animal encounter. For wildlife conservation and education, David and Lisa also bring animals to fundraising events.

MERRY,

OQ | ANIMAL NEIGHBORS

TURTLE CONSERVANCY turtleconservancy.org info@turtleconservancy.org.

LOCKWOOD ANIMAL RESCUE CENTER info@lockwoodarc.org phone: 661-220-5505

OJAI RAPTOR CENTER

HUMANE SOCIETY OF VENTURA COUNTY animals@hsvc.org phone: 805-646-6505 or 805-656-5031 ojairaptorcenter@gmail.com phone: 805-649-6884

The Turtle Conservancy, located in Ojai’s East End, is dedicated to protecting threatened turtles and tortoises and their habitats worldwide, and to countering the illegal trade in such animals, which is decimating their numbers. Working with partner organizations, they’ve purchased land and established preserves for endangered turtles in Africa, Asia and Mexico. They’ve established a captive breeding center with the ultimate goal of re-wilding species to their native habitats when it is safe to do so. The Turtle Conservancy depends on donations to fund its programs, and welcomes volunteers to help out with numerous projects at our Ojai facility.

CLOSED SINCE PANDEMIC:

The Lockwood Animal Rescue Center (LARC), founded by Dr. Lorin Lindner and Matt Simmons, offered a therapeutic work environment for returning combat veterans and a “forever home” to wolves, wolfdogs, coyotes, horses, parrots and other animals. Located on a 20-acre facility, they offered both the veterans and animals an opportunity to heal and thrive in a back-to-nature setting. “Though not open to the public, we cater to veterans suffering from trauma, and are welcome to participate in our work therapy program. We offer an immersion program for veterans to stay and participate, and to learn basic skills for caring for animals and self healing,” Dr. Lindner said.

ORC was founded and is directed by Kimberly Stroud, who started her training at the Raptor Rehabilitation and Release Program in 1992. In 2000 she went on to found Ojai Raptor Center. First and foremost, Ojai Raptor Center is a fully functional and permitted wildlife rehabilitation center, specializing in birds of prey. Every year they take in 500 to 1,000 sick, injured or orphaned birds (including many non-raptor birds, and a small percentage of mammals) with the hopes of rehabilitating them and releasing them back to the wild. Our four-acre campus is comprised of a medical room and hospital, as well as outdoor flights, aviaries and mews. The center also features the largest flight in California.

Nestled in the rolling hills of the Ojai Valley lies a 4.4-acre hidden haven for wayward animals. Founded in 1932, the Humane Society of Ventura County has been serving not just the animals of the Ojai Valley, but all of the animals in Ventura County. Traditionally, an animal shelter is thought of as solely a place for animals to seek refuge until a permanent home can be found. While here at the Humane Society of Ventura County they provide this safe refuge, they also strive to remedy the greater problem of animal overpopulation, abuse and neglect.

to be thoroughly immersed in the brilliant red earth of the Kalahari Desert, in eastern Namibia, I was going to have to eat some sand. I thought it would be due to strong desert winds, or a big truck blowing by me and my girlfriend, Holly Lohuis, on a deserted washboard-riddled road. However, I was eternally grateful for the tiny paws of a busy meerkat digging furiously for a crunchy subterranean beetle.

STORY AND PHOTOS BY CHUCK GRAHAM

I was only a few feet away from the suricate when it momentarily stopped digging and looked over its shoulder. That was my moment to avoid that reddish-orange loam of the southwest African desert from dousing my camera gear.

This was my third trip to this arid and desolate southern African nation.

According to GlobalData, as of 2021, Namibia is the third smallest country in the world by population density, with 3.14 people per square kilometer, following Greenland and Mongolia.

However, there is much flora and fauna in Namibia that has adapted to its rugged, unforgiving habitat. Namibia is not life-

BIG DADDY DUNE - NAMIB NAUKLUFT NATIONAL PARK

LEFT: CLOSEUP OF A QUIVER TREE BARK

less. Topographically, Namibia is stunning with endless sand dunes, craggy canyons, wave-battered coastlines, and massive salt pans, making it one of the most diversified countries on the entire African continent. For a traveler, it’s sensory overload.

WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAMES

Once Holly and I left Windhoek, the capital of Namibia, we embraced the grit and grind of the desert landscape. Miles of empty washboard across dirt tracks lead to endless natural wonders, quirky desert outposts and bustling sheep and cattle ranches across distant horizons.

Namibia is a relatively new country, receiving its independence in 1991.

After leaving those rolling, blazing red dunes of the Kalahari, Holly and I shifted gears, and headed further south for the otherworldly QUIVER TREE FOREST near Keetmanshoop. The quiver trees lay just a few miles north of the desert enclave, jutting amongst clusters of boulders housing curious rock hyraxes and yellow mongoose.

As soon as we arrived, dark grey storm clouds hovered over the 20- to 30-foot-tall quiver trees that are actually giant aloes. Light rain dropped over us as a colorful rainbow was the perfect contrast as shafts of soft blues, yellows and oranges brightened the desert just beyond the quiver trees. Like certain mammals that molt each year, quiver trees continuously peel a papery texture, soft, yet hardy in the harsh desert environs.

HOLLY LOHUIS TAKES IN THE QUIVER TREE LANDSCAPE, ABOVE. BELOW, RAINBOW PIERCES THE FOREST AS A STORM NEARS

Further south, Holly and I discovered intermittent, stand-alone quiver trees towering over a jaw-dropping geological gouge — Fish River Canyon, the second largest canyon in the world just behind the Grand Canyon in the American Southwest.

We stayed at the exquisite Fish River Lodge, splitting our time between its refreshing lap pool on the rim of the canyon, and long desert hikes into the depths of the canyon leading to a hidden waterhole.

While swimming in the lap pool we were entertained by colorful rosyfaced lovebirds roosting in a poolside quiver tree, and adorable baby hyraxes sipping from a waterhole. While cooling ourselves in the pool, we were also captivated by the daunting, striated cliffs, and the serpentine flow of Fish River 1,500 feet below us. The next morning, we hiked to the bottom of that deep ravine.

Knowing a tranquil swimming hole awaited us, our pace was steady across a long, gravelly plateau. The sun was scorching the earth: that dry desert heat could only be thwarted by that refreshing waterhole. The water was emerald

ROSY FACED LOVEBIRDS - FISH RIVER CANYON

POOLSIDE AT THE FISH RIVER CANYON LODGE

LONE QUIVER TREE STANDS SENTINEL AT FISH RIVER CANYON RIM

green and cold but perfect to cool down. Swimming through the narrows of Fish River Canyon was one of the best experiences of our entire trip. It rejuvenated us for the hike back to the canyon rim.

Along the way though, we came across some heavy breathing next to the narrow trail. Tucked under a rock was an agitated puff adder, one of the most venomous snakes in all of Africa. The coiled serpent was living up to its name, as they puff themselves up to appear larger to thwart potential predators.

At the end of a long, memorable day, Holly and I went from one water source to the next, finding ourselves back at the serene lap pool on the rim of Fish River Canyon, the geological wonder mesmerizing from either “waterhole.”

MOUNTAINS OF SAND

The towering dunes of the Namib-Naukluft National Park arguably captivate visitors more than any other natural wonder across the entire Namibian biome. The tallest dunes reach over 1,000 feet high, and their stunning orange, red and pinkish hues, coupled with detailed textures, far-reaching shadows, and artistic curves are perpetually intoxicating.

As a long, drifting plume of dust and grit spun off the rear of

our land rover, we searched for two antelope that are synonymous with the immensity of the dunes. Namibia’s national animal – the gemsbok, and South Africa’s national animal – the springbok, are well-equipped for survival in the desert. Holly and I were both glued to our binoculars hoping to capture these two herbivores with the dunes as a stunning backdrop, offering an immense perspective in such a grandiose desertscape. However, we mostly settled for visitors attempting to hike up the dunes, struggling to straddle their steep, windblown crests, colorful sand showering every eager participant.

We also enjoyed a unique perspective from the air, floating over the desert in a hot air balloon. Before sunrise, the balloons were filled with hot air followed by guests clambering into sturdy baskets to witness the vast sand dune ecosystem that didn’t quit until they spilled into the cool Benguela Current traveling up the Skeleton Coast in the Atlantic Ocean. It was a site to behold, as we watched ostriches and herds of antelope traversing the dunes in search of food.

Another incredible diversion within that epic “dunescape” was the dry salt pan of Dead Vlei.

Lifeless camelthorn trees that died off over 600 years ago stood in the middle of the mud-cracked pan creating ghostly silhouettes surrounded by the sheer immensity of the dunes. “Big Daddy,” arguably the largest dune in the national park, hovered

FISH RIVER CANYON - NAMIBIA

over the western corner of Dead Vlei. Early morning was the best time to visit this otherworldly landscape, especially with the sun barely cresting the tallest dunes and long shadows creeping back into the desert abyss.

DESERT DWELLERS

Our favorite place we stayed was Camp Kipwe constructed within one of the many mountainous clusters of gritty rock outcroppings within Damaraland in northern Namibia. The path established within the slabs leading to our chalet also opened onto a deck, with private pool and stupendous vistas of the surrounding desert. We shared our chalet with a squadron of harmless geckos chirping and feasting on a smorgasbord of insects.

As much as we loved the small creatures of Namibia, Holly and I had hopes of experiencing its largest — the rare desert elephant. As big as elephants are, ironically, they can be just as stealthy even in the densest desert flora. While tracking them in the upper reaches of the Huab River, the steady runnel was thick with lush reeds, acacia, and camelthorn trees. Desert elephants know where to find water, and we followed their round, detailed spoor crisscrossing the river.

We parked our 4x4 rig on a sandy embankment, turned off the engine, and waited. We heard them rumbling, concealed in the lush vegetation. Then we saw a female and her calf thrashing and then emerging onto the sandy riverbank. The calf stayed close to its doting mother as they continued upriver. They were soon followed by six more elephants heading east, enjoying the Huab’s steady flow.

The Huab flows west, carving a broad swath that eventually winds its way to the desolate Skeleton Coast and the Atlantic Ocean. Antelope, such as gemsbok, springbok, and southern giraffe, frequent the riverbed grazing on fresh green shoots of desert vegetation. The desert elephants also assist in their foraging.

SUNRISE AT DEAD VLEI

DESERT ELEPHANT DUST BATHING, HUAB RIVER

Branches out of their reach are torn off by the elephants and left for the antelope to feed on. The best surprise though, was when a lone, bull desert elephant utilized its trunk to shower its head in the fine dusty loam of the dry riverbed, a ready-made mobile desert dust bath in northern Namibia.

As exciting as it was witnessing desert elephants in Damaraland, Holly and I were awestruck by the intricate and detailed rock art of the San Bushmen at Twelfontein, and a World Heritage Site. since 2017. Because we both saw desert elephants, we agreed our favorite rock art was the lone elephant etched on a prominent slab of rock. All the rock art was created 2,000 to 2,500 years ago and has withstood the test of time while enduring the desert’s harsh environment.

Speaking of enduring the harsh desert realm, during our five days in Damaraland, we also came across members of the semi-nomadic Himba people.

Dare I say, the women possessed some of the most strikingly beautiful skin I’ve ever seen? But that is all due to the Himba extracting natural resources from the desert, thus creating a lotion that not only moisturizes their skin, but also doubles down as a sunscreen and bug repellent. They even use it in their colorful dreadlocks.

Just as much as Holly and I were curious about them, this group of Himba women and children were also wondering about us.

The children didn’t say much, but their ear-to-ear smiles said it all while hiding behind their mothers, sisters, and aunts. Of course, beyond hand gesturing, we couldn’t communicate with them, but sometimes it’s all that is needed to feel comfortable around one another.

ALL AROUND THE WATERHOLES

Etosha National Park is one of the largest and oldest national parks in the world. Much of it is dominated by a massive salt pan, a magnificent white glare in northern Namibia. Around the southern fringe of the salt pan are a series of year-round springs and waterholes.

One of those water sources displayed a fine example of the circle of life, natural wonders abounding across southern Africa. Under a sweltering midday sun, a lioness with her four hungry cubs had just finished gutting an unlucky zebra. The lioness had dragged the carcass into the shade for safekeeping beneath a fallen tree.

The cubs were so satiated that one of them was napping inside the exposed ribcage of the zebra. Pacing back and forth beyond the pride of lions were two spotted hyenas, the larger alpha female, and a subordinate. They were clearly strategizing but were still forming a plan as to how to drive off the lions from the carcass. Because it was so hot, the two hyenas went to the nearby waterhole to soak and scheme the afternoon away. All wildlife

SEMI-NOMADIC HIMBA PEOPLE

WIND-GROOMED LINES OF ART ACROSS THE DUNES

drinking from that water source quickly vacated. Herds of wary zebra, gemsbok, springbok, black-faced impala, red hartebeest, and guinea fowl scurried to the periphery while the scavengers dunked themselves repeatedly. For us, we had to return to our lodge for the night, but Holly and I vowed to return early the next morning.

While returning the next day, anticipation mounted. When we arrived, the whole dynamic had shifted. The lions were gone or at least not visible, and the number of hyenas had grown. There were now five, and they had moved what remained of the zebra carcass further away from the waterhole. I suspected the survival of the cubs was the lionesses’ priority, and she moved them into the bush.

However, even though the hyenas had secured the zebra carcass for themselves, they couldn’t rest easy. They were pestered by four black-backed jackals nipping at their heels. Within the 24 hours I photographed the evolving drama from predator to prey, back to predator and now scavenger, it all revolved around that waterhole.

The alpha female hyena and the rest of her small clan now endured the strategic jackals diving in for scraps, anything that might be available to them. However, as the morning wore on, and it grew hotter, that waterhole beckoned. It was time for another much-needed soak. The alpha female left the clan and ever-present jackals and soaked her scruffy self in the muddy shallows of the waterhole.

The expression on the face of that alpha female never seemed to wane. It was a combination of anxiety and desperation yet fortified with her steely jawline. She was in command, but a pride of lions was lurking nearby, so even soaking in the waterhole was not a complete reprieve.

That waterhole revealed a pride, a clan, and several different herds all using the desert biosphere to their advantage. Still, the cycle of life offered no guarantees across the sweeping southern African savannah. Man, flora, and fauna, all striving for survival throughout Namibia’s stark desert realm.

MEERKATS ON HIGH ALERT

SPOTTED HYENAS ON A MID-DAY SOAK

LIONS WITH A ZEBRA KILL

With more than 200 hours of conversation, Ojai's podcast, Talk of the Town, has barely scratched the surface of what makes this village, perched on the eastern edge of the Pacific Rim, so rich, diverse and fascinating. Listen in on conversations with legends like Malcolm McDowell and Sergio Aragonés to the people who make Ojai what it is such as Chumash elder Julie Tumamait-Stenslie and assorted newsmakers, writers, filmmakers, fishermen, musicians, rogues & scoundrels.

“We specialize in biomimetic principles. Biomimetic dentistry is the reconstruction of teeth to emulate their esthetic and natural form and function. It is the most conservative approach to treating fractured and decayed teeth — it keeps them strong and seals them from bacterial invasion. By conserving as much tooth structure as possible, we can eliminate the need for many crowns and root canals.”

JACALYN BOOTH

Certified Colon Hydrotherapist

Ojai Digestive Health

With more than 30 years of experience in healing modalities, Jacalyn brings a deep level of caring to the art of colon hydrotherapy. Professional, nurturing, experienced. OjaiDigestiveHealth.com

805-901-3000

DR. NANCY DOREO

is a naturopathic doctor and chiropractor specializing in Applied Kinesiology. Modalities include: IV therapy, Homeopathy, Flower Essences, CranialFacial Release, Gentle Manipulation, Acupuncture Meridians, Massage Therapy. DrDoreo.com 805-777-7184

DR. JOHN R. GALASKA

Quintessential Mind-Body Practice. Hypnosis based on Neuroscience, boosted by EEG. Neurofeedback & Biofeedback for anxiety and insecurity. Early childhood issues. Peak performance for Arts & Sports. Strengthen Vegal Tone. Face-to-Face or online. BeCalmOfOjai.com 805-705-5175

SECURE BEGINNINGS

Pre-birth to 3; pre/post-natal wellbeing; infant/toddler development; parent education/support. SecureBeginnings.org info@securebeginnings.org 805-646-7559

OQ | HEALING ARTS

LESLIE BOUCHÉ, C.HT.

Cert. Hypnotherapist

Find your calm center. Release negative thinking, emotional reactivity, anxiety, fear and unhelpful behaviors. Improve sleep and comfort. Safe, loving, rapid change. It’s time to feel better! leslie@lesliebouche.com LeslieBouche.com | 805-796-1616

LAURIE EDGCOMB

Lic. Acupuncturist since 1986, voted best in Ojai! Natural medicine including Microcurrent, nutritional and herbal consultation, Facial Rejuvenation. LaurieEdgcomb.com 805-798-4148

NUTMEG’S OJAI HOUSE

Functional Art for Heart & Home - American MadeFair Trade - Psychic Tarot and Astrology Readers, Energy and Crystal Healings daily by appt. Walk-ins welcomed: Open daily 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. 304 N. Montgomery Street NutmegsOjaiHouse.com | 805640-1656

VIBRANT WELLNESS MASSAGE

We bring a specialized massage that takes a holistic approach to treating stress in the body, all from the comfort of your home or office. With skillful hands & intuitive heart each session will unlock your inner Vibrant Wellness. VibrantWellnessOjai.com 916.204.9691

MICHELLE BYRNES

Elemental Nutrition

Nutrition & Wellness counseling focused on anti-aging, detoxification, personalized nutrition, & weight loss. For more information, visit elementalnutritioncoach.com 805-218-8550

LAUREL FELICE, LMT

Offers Swedish, deep tissue, reflexology, reiki, cranialsacral and pre and post natal massage with a reverent and joyous balance of hands and heart. laurelfelice54@gmail.com 805-886-3674

DR. AMY SCHLEGEL

L.Ac, DAOM offers options of Traditional Chinese Healing modalities such as massage, acupuncture, and Chi Nei Tsang energy work tailored to what works best with your body during each season. Specialties in Women’s Health and Neuromuscular Medicine. AmyAcupuncture.com (415) 690-3934

JULIE TUMAMAITSTENSLIE

Chumash Elder

Consultant • Storyteller • Spiritual Advisor • Workshops Weddings & Ceremonies

JTumamait@hotmail.com 805-701-6152

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• etubirtnoCaeromelbaniatsus tnemnorivngnirewolruoyygreneesue tcatnoCnraeLeroM

1 SHELF ROAD 3.5mi

EASY | Elev. Gain: 200 ft | Overlooks downtown Ojai.

2

RIVER PRESERVE 0-7mi

VARIES | Elev. Gain: ≤ 520 ft

Wills-Rice Loop is the longest trail.

5

HORN CANYON 5.5mi

STRENUOUS | Elev. Gain: 1600 ft | Goes to the Pines.

8

ROSE VALLEY 1mi

EASY | Elev. Gain: 100 ft Rose Valley Falls.

3

PRATT TRAIL 8.8mi

STRENUOUS | Elev. Gain: 3300 ft | Goes to Nordhoff Peak.

6

COZY DELL 2.2mi

MODERATE | Elev. Gain: 740 ft | Cozy Dell Creek & Ridge.

9

SISAR CANYON 22mi

STRENUOUS | Elev. Gain: 4800 ft |Topa Topa Bluffs.

4

GRIDLEY TRAIL 6-12mi

MODERATE | 3 mi to Gridley Springs (Elev. Gain: 1200 ft) 6 mi to Nordhoff Peak.

7

MATILIJA CANYON 12mi

MODERATE | Elev. Gain: 1200ft | North Fork.

10

SULPHUR MTN. 22mi

MODERATE | Elev. Gain: 2300 ft | Sulphur Mountain Road.

ADA and Medicare Card Holders and Seniors 65 and up are half price. Seniors 75 and over, Children under 45” tall and all Students are FREE. (Proper identification required for adults to receive discounts.)

Trolley Service

The Ojai Trolley Service, established in 1989, is owned and operated by the City of Ojai. The Trolley provides daily fixed-route transportation to approximately 9,000 riders per month throughout Ojai, Meiners Oaks, and Mira Monte. The Trolley is a wellknown feature in the Ojai Valley, and in addition to the daily fixed-route services, participates in many local community events, fund-raising activities, community service, and educational functions.

Check out the smartphone app GoVCBus for stop-time arrival predictions.

annual events

OJAI FOURTH OF JULY PARADE | JULY 4 | 4thOfJulyInOjai.com

JUNE

2

Ojai Wild Gala

Date: June 3

Time: 4 to 7:30 p.m.

Location: The Thacher School’s Pavilion Lawn, 5025 Thacher Road

Contact: Camden, 805-770-8696 OjaiWild.org

This prestigious fund-raising event celebrates the important work of Los Padres Forest Watch, with live and silent auctions, dinner, craft beers and local wines.

JUNE

6-9

Ojai Music Festival with Mitsuko Uchida

Dates: Thursday through Sunday Times: All Day

Locations: Libbey Bowl and various local venues. Renowned pianist and composer Mitsuko Uchida returns to Ojai for a four-day program featured the Mahler Chamber Orchestra. An integral part of the immersive Ojai Festival experience is the free community activities that occur in the Libbey Park and throughout Ojai. This will include Morning Meditations, Music Pop-Ups, and a Family Concert.

JUNE 15

The 37th Annual Ojai Wine Festival

Time: 12 noon to 4 p.m.

Location: Lake Casitas Recreational Area 11093 Santa Ana Road

OQ | EVENTS CALENDAR

june - july - august

OJAI WINE FESTIVAL | JUNE 15 | OjaiWineFestival.org

Contact: OjaiWineFestival.org

Overlooking scenic Lake Casitas, the Ojai Wine Festival is an idyllic venue to taste award-winning wines, amazing craft beers, ciders, seltzers and fine spirits. The Ojai Wine Festival is organized by Ojai RotaryWest and supports many charitable projects.

JULY 3

Visions of America Concert

Time: 6:30 p.m.

Location: Libbey Bowl

Contact: OjaiTheater.org

This free multimedia show features musical performances by Sophie Holt, Jimmie Calire, and B. Valentine with a stirring rendition of “The Way We Were.” The program focuses on patriotic photographs by Joe Sohm, accompanied by renowned pianist Roger Kellaway, with lyrics by Oscar winners Marilyn and Alan Bergmann, and narration by Clint Eastwood.

JULY 4

Fourth of July Parade & Fireworks

Times: Parade at 10 a.m., Fireworks at dusk, gates open at 5:30 p.m.

Location: Ojai Avenue for the Parade, Nordhoff High School for the Fireworks. Contact: 4thofJulyinOjai.com

Considered one of America’s finest small-town Independence Day celebrations. The Fireworks show includes food trucks and live music.

JULY 28

OJAI PODCAST | THURSDAYS | OjaiHub.com

Bruce Hornsby & The Noisemakers

Time: 7 p.m.

Location: Libbey Bowl

Contact: 805-646-5581 ext. 120 LibbeyBowl.org

AUGUST 10

Don McLean

Time: 7 p.m.

Location: Libbey Bowl

Contact: 805-646-5581 ext. 120 LibbeyBowl.org

— RECURRING EVENTS — JUNE-JULY-AUGUST

Historical Walking Tours of Ojai

Date: Every Saturday

Time: 10:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.

Location: Ojai Valley Museum 130 West Ojai Avenue. Contact: 640-1390

THURSDAYS

Ojai: Talk of the Town Podcast

New episodes come out Thursday evenings through the OjaiHub.com newsletter. With more than 200 episodes, the Ojai podcast has become an important part of the local conversation. Sign up at OjaiHub.com for a free newsletter of Ojai events, news, arts, entertainment, history and culture. And podcasts.

BY SAMI ZAHRINGER

THE UNBEARABLE RIGHTNESS OF HAS-BEENS

A Housewife’s Log

It was a Sunday evening so all the staff at The Cod & Wallop restaurant were tired and fractious after a busy Ojai weekend.

An 8-year-old with the dead-eyed dolomite gaze of a Mother Superior had already complained that there was too much shaved truffle on his risotto and Miriam, the chef, on receiving this news had paused, stared for a moment down at her nails which were like the rest of her — small, round, and spotless — bellowed exactly like a sheep screams and had to be physically restrained from striding through the restaurant and telling him that when she was his age orange juice was a starter and what about the starving children in Africa and furthermore that this restaurant had its own troll, called Colin, in the kitchen which ate small children who complained.

It was Pam’s favorite day of the week.

Pam — 40-something, widowed, recently moved to Ojai to sell her late mother’s house but had decided to stay — would sit at the bar with a Pinot Grigio and a vongole several nights a week and listen to the staff and customers engage in some of the finest world-class bitching she had ever encountered, and she used to work in academia.

“OMG!” said Brent, one of the waiters on her third visit. “You really ARE a mysterious single woman with a tragic back story! I knew it! Steve thought you’d come for the Tantric Sex Symposium and Miriam thought you were here expressly to erode the fabric of the town.”

Secretly, Pam had been pleased with these assessments. She remembered only dimly from early childhood, but it was really growing on her. Even the nuisances were sort of interesting. Sometimes.

A lone man at the bar had tried to chat her up earlier by pep-

pering her with facts he knew. Did she know, for example, that in the ‘70s the CIA developed a heart attack gun? It shot an ice bullet infused with poison which would cause a heart attack in the shootee but leave nothing but a small red mark on the skin.

It was difficult to know how to respond to that but there was really no need to try because, he was now telling her about the retreat he had just attended at an exclusive location in the East End he was not at liberty to name. The retreat promised to hone and sculpt the retreater’s body and mind such that he could survive the coming inevitable collapse of civilization. Over the last month he had developed the mental fortitude of a Shaolin monk and the weapons proficiency of a Seal Team 6 operative.

Pam gamely made the most sincerely appreciative noises she could muster and asked him what he did in the rest of his life. It turned out he was Keith, a dental hygienist from Saticoy. At that, Pam sat bolt upright, like a sleeper agent who has just heard her activation phrase, and told him that she couldn’t possibly talk to him any longer because she had a constitutional inability to tell the truth to dental hygienists and she was a very honest person

usually so this presented her with a fundamental schism in her personality she did not have the therapy budget for. She hoped he would understand. Keith looked down at his chicken piccata and sighed.

“It’s all right,” he said. “People with mouths like haunted bat caves — nuns even — look us straight in the eye and tell us they floss every day, or that it hasn’t been seven years since their last cleaning. Getting lied to is just a part of the job for a dental hygienist. We see the worst of humanity. Please don’t worry.” He went back to quietly Googling import allowances on Edo period samurai swords from Japan.

Brent, one of the waiters on his break, sashayed up to Pam fizzing with eagerness to give her the dirt on the evening’s clientele. Pam fizzed similarly to receive it.

He sighed theatrically. “Only 41 minutes, three hours and 15 years until I’m done with this bullshit.”

“Oh please,” said Pam. “You love this job. And, anyway, you can’t leave. Who would provide me with the scandalous gossip that is the backbone of any small town?”

“Oh PLEASE” piped back Brent. “You know very well I dream only of living in 1920s England, raising prize hydrangeas and spying for the Russians. Maybe fall in love with some quiet, grey-eyed man from the hills.”

“So, who have we tonight?” asked Pam.

“WELL,” Brent leaned in conspiratorially. “It’s actually a bit light tonight. There is a hipster food truck in the park doing pancakes with pulled jackfruit and beard shavings for fifteen bucks a pop.

“But that guy there, no don’t look. Behind me, table two. Man with the broken veins in the back of his neck? Eyes glazed with a sort of vegetable determination to finish his double lasagne? Him. That’s Ethan Stocks. He claims disability for a back injury he sustained at his car-wash job and is suing them for millions. He is the kind of man who likes to drink too much and talk too loudly and pick fights with men he notices noticing him talk too loudly. His bad back clears right up.

“The woman beside him is his mother, Edith. That there is a woman of God-level pettiness. She disliked Ethan’s first wife so much she wore funereal black to the wedding and told the photographer he was at the wrong wedding so he left. She’s been a pharmacy assistant for decades and there were rumors that she intentionally gives people the wrong medication, but they haven’t been able to make anything stick. Horrible sinister woman to talk to though. And grating! My God! The only scientific explanation for her voice is that she was orphaned and raised in the wild by fax machines. Small wonder Ethan turned out like he did.”

Brent shuddered and brushed his hands distastefully as if the dirt of these dealings will never be done. Pam thrilled to the potentially murderous little old lady in the room.

“Oh brother,” said Brent. “Here comes Melanie. What is the woman wearing? I mean I love Melanie, you know I do, but I swear she makes her style choices based in how many Egg McMuffins she can fit in her pockets.”

Melanie was the restaurant manager, off-duty but popping in

to make sure everything was super. She was a cheerful lesbian of the Velma from Scooby Doo school. She was optimism in dungarees and you could not dislike her. Wilting flowers would perk up as she passed.

“Staff meeting at 3 p.m. tomorrow!” she sang. “Time for you to have your voices heard and offer suggestions to make the Cod & Wallop an even happier family! Let’s everybody throw some thought noodles into the idea wok!” It was a measure of her lovability that people adored her even though she said stuff like that.

Off she loped to spread her joy to the kitchen staff, unknowingly reviving a few elderly spring onions as she swept past.

“Well, I hope we’re getting paid to be there,” griped Brent but more out of griping habit than feeling.

“Where were we? Oh! Clark Fogg has just come in! Another fascinating study. He thinks he’s an alpha guru about women but as you can see he looks like a thumb.”

Pam looked up and met the amber gaze of Clark Fogg as he strode across the floor, headed to the bar. It was a gaze filled with self-possession, reflecting a world to be despoiled, or at best, dishonestly engaged in.

“Mind if I sit here?” he said to Pam and took the seat next to her without waiting for a response. “Hi, I’m Clark. Clark Fogg. If I look familiar it’s because you’ve probably seen me on talk shows promoting one of my books. We might as well get that out of the way because people sometimes don’t always want to ask if celebrities are who they think they are.”

“Oh I’m sure I know exactly who you are,” said Pam with gimlet pleasantness.

“I’m just out for a quiet meal to look over the galley of my latest book.”

He pulled from a leather satchel a thick volume emblazoned with an image of his own face, one eyebrow raised and a crooked forefinger nestling quizzically on his chin. He held it in front of himself reverently, like an ambassador carrying a moonstone to a king. The book was called “Managing Females: Get Her and Keep Her.”

“Well, I certainly won’t disturb your quiet meal,” said Pam, and pointedly turned back to her clams.

“Clark Fogg? OMG is that you?” said a skinny young man coming up to sit at the bar. “Wow! This is so cool! I watch your You Tubes! You have helped me so much with the fairer sex heh heh heh.”

“Well, I”m delighted to hear it!” said Clark Fogg, craning his neck to see if Pam was hearing all this. “You stick with me, and women will be putty in your hands, er … what’s your name?”

“Heywood Smith-Horne.” said Heywood Smith-Horne. “So I’ve been dating this chick for a couple of weeks now.  She left a Chlamidialyte Aqua Aura Spirit Quartz in my car and asked me for my birth chart so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. I didn’t have a crystal so I gave her one of my kidney stones and a sure-fire tip for how to get past Level 24 on Marvel’s Wolverine.

“My sister said to on no account give her my kidney stone but I feel it represents something that was pure me. From my urinary chakra, or whatever. Chicks like that stuff, right? It says in Chapter 3 of your book that I should feign an interest in the beliefs and pastimes of the modern woman.”

“Erm, urinary chakras aren’t really a thing, Heywood. Could you be thinking of urinary tracts?” said Clark Fogg.

Pam leaned forward in her chair and put her glasses on to eavesdrop better. This was getting interesting.

“No, no I’m sure they said it was my urinary chakra that was blocked. I know I seem young to get kidney stones but apparently the pharmacy got my prescription wrong and instead of my acne antibiotics they’ve been giving me superdoses of calcium which have screwed my kidneys. It’s still very sore, actually. In fact, I need to visit the men’s room right now.”

He scuttled off wincing. Pam turned to stare at elderly Edith.

Just then, the front door flew open and a boldly eyelashed confection of silver and lemon burst through it.

“Pam!” shrieked the confection and flew breathless into Pam’s arms.

“Ivette! I thought you quit!” said Pam.

“Oh I did, I’m just here to pick up my final paycheck. BUT! I have personal and exciting news! I’ve met this really nice guy.

Kind of robotic but sweet, ya know? And soulful and quirky. He reads books and follows gurus and shit. He’s deep, you know?

Pam rather uncharitably thought that Ivette’s deepest relationship to date was probably with her water bottle but she checked her cynicism and instead asked “But what about Paul?”

“Oh, Paul was three boyfriends ago. He was like my great, great boyfriend or whatever. But listen, this new guy is HILARIOUS! I gave him a powerful cleansing crystal because he’s apparently had some chakra access problems, and in return he gave me this sweet wee crystal and tried to tell me it was his kidney stone! Played it really straight. I almost believed him. That is how freakin’ HILARIOUS he is!

Pam, jaw dropped to her clavicles, motioned to Steve, the bartender to get her another glass of wine with all available haste. She checked to see if Clark Fogg had overheard any of this but he was eating risotto with his ear buds in.

“Um, Ivette, would you by any chance be dating a guy called Heywood?”

“Yes! How did you know that?”

“Em, well, you know that kidney stone?”

There followed a brief but intense whispered conversation between Pam and Ivette which culminated in Ivette wailing “But I put it in my underwear drawer!”

The universe chose then to have Heywood re-enter the dining room. Pam and Ivette turned and stared at him.

“Baby! What a nice surprise!” he cried.  “Listen, you have to meet Clark Fogg! He is teaching me how to be a more successful man! And about how to understand females!” Heywood tapped Clark on the shoulder and said “Mr Fogg, this is my female! I mean girl.”

Ivette stared at Clark Fogg, then at the book in front of him.

“Did you tell my boyfriend to give me his kidney stone?”

“What, no! Of course I didn’t! I just provide general tips to men in the successful getting and management of women.” said Fogg. “Believe me, I was as surprised at the kidney stone thing as you.”

“But I don’t want to be managed!” said Ivette.

“Well, look where that attitude has gotten society!”  said Fogg.

“Women are so picky now and they want to work more blah blah and they are less available for breeding and it’s all causing the birthrate to fall and men to feel inadequate.”

“…!” said Ivette, speechless.

“See, now you’re getting angry and pretty soon you’ll be hysterical and then you’ll back away from poor pathetic Heywood here and he’ll get separation anxiety and that will make him cling tighter when you are together and you will resist that and that will further erode his confidence and all I do is teach men how to get laid and what’s wrong with that, eh?”

“Separation anxiety? He’s a man, not a greyhound rescue!” said Ivette, as Heywood looked about worriedly, uncertain now if Fogg was defending or insulting him.

“If I may interject…” said Pam. “Why are people blaming women for declining birth rates without at least acknowledging the role that the baffling return of the non-ironic mustache is playing in all this?”

“Hair freedom is a basic human right, right?” retorted Heywood, looking at Fogg for approval.

“Indeed it is,” said Pam, “But I’m pretty sure you want the women you date to shave their legs and armpits.”

“Of course! What man wants a hairy woman? It’s unattractive!”

“Well there we have it. For some women the un-ironic mustache is a positive aphrodisiac, and that’s just fine, but for most, it reminds them of Ned Flanders or their slightly creepy geography teacher. They’re not inherently bad. It’s just the associations we have with them. The point is both sexes have their prejudices and as long as we’re not willing to accept hair autonomy in each other then, yeah, the birthrate might dip a bit. Also, can we just all stop trying to game each other? It’s really boring.”

“If women weren’t getting so full of themselves, they’d count themselves lucky to score an employable man with any sort of mustache!” And with that, Clark Fogg turned back to the bar, and barked officiously at Steve to take his risotto away and bring him a new one with less truffle.

It took five seconds after the message reached the kitchen for the screaming sheep noises to start. Pam, grabbed her purse, flung a $50 on the bar for Steve and the last thing she saw as she fled the Cod & Wallop was an enraged Miriam explode out of the kitchen wielding a ladle of steaming hot risotto in one hand and a buzzing electric hand mixer in the other…

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