Fear

Fear

I have encountered fear. It appears when you are most vulnerable. Slowly, it seeks out the broken ends of the threads that hold you together and tears them apart. It slides into the crevices of your soul and then into your brain, expelling all rational thinking and turning the mind into a quivering wreck. It is strong as well. It is almost impossible to banish fear from your body; mostly you have to wait till fear itself decides to move onto its next victim.

I have smelt fear. Rather like an onion, the stench of fear is so strong that your eyes begin to stream with heavy tears, and you hear yourself cry out but there is never a response. The smell of fear is like no other; it slowly builds up to become overwhelmingly unbearable and makes your nose tingle as if you have just walked into a room with walls newly painted. The stench leaves you as slowly as it hits you. Fear likes to leave a trace.

I have heard fear. It is not a screech, which you might expect to hear but rather a discreet noise that lingers in your ears and becomes intolerable over time, alike fingernails scraping down a chalk board. Sometimes fear is silent, but you can still hear it. There is an uneasiness, almost as if fear is in your mind and is the noises you make, the cries, the sobbing, the breathlessness, the gasps.

I have felt fear. Its touch is cold but not like ice. It is dry, leaving no mark that can be seen. The feeling that remains is the memory of it. Its impact lies in your inability to let it go. It leaves you helpless, knowing the only one that can release you, is you. You feel at fault, when you know you aren’t. It makes you feel alone. It makes you feel scared.

I have tasted fear. It sits insistently on your tongue. The taste is different every time, sometimes sour, sometimes bitter but never sweet. It has never tasted sweet. Fear makes your tongue feel heavy and your mouth full. You drop your jaw in an attempt to expel, to be rid. Rid of the fear in your mouth. But fear is strong and does not leave willingly.

I have seen fear. It is not an object or a person. It can be seen in any light, in any place. It shapeshifts within your mind, filling your head with indescribable thoughts. It’s not like it follows you but rather you are following it. It is always one step ahead of you.

Honor Dwerryhouse

Illustration by Sylvain Chan