ESTY
NG FOR ME OKING FOR YOU
»And here, small person, I sit once more, some atoms in the face of this huge world. Below my feet a large city, that is only a small dot and only one word on a map. It is so quiet ; it’s rustling all around and a soft breeze touches the leaves gently. My coffee in front of me, Nutella and 6 plumes inside me. Haven’t I been lucky to see so many things? So many people, so many perspectives, so many faces. And everybody with his or her very own experiences, dreams, illusions and losses.«
// 2 //
İstanbul! During the summer of 2010 I make the decision to challenge my courage and my patience. Where haven’t I been in Europe before? Istanbul is supposed to be very beautiful, at least people told me, and a few weeks later I was on my way to Turkey. And yes, I wanted to hitch-hike the whole distance on my own and I wanted to push this game as far as possible. My journey led me through Croatia, Monte negro, Albania and Greece. Again and again I set up my tent, and again and again I had to say goodbye to amazing places and move on. The distance and wanderlust called for me repeatedly and helped me to move on till I reached Istanbul eventually. I had read nothing about the city and I had no expectations, I knew nothing and no one. I was facing the Bosporus and couldn’t believe that I had made it this far. I had been hitch-hiking from Berlin to Istanbul und every single person who picked me up along the way had become part of my journey. At the end, a feeling of gratitude, trust and deep connection with the world couldn’t have been stronger. Ten entire days I lived in Istanbul, found some friends and a lot of doors opened up. Istanbul was very kind to me. The moment I had to leave I wished that I could come back. I had taken an interest in Istanbul, I wanted to come back, live there at one point and establish a daily routine.
September 22, 2010, I leave Istanbul. Be careful what you wish for, they say. I got a quick response to my wish. In May I receive an offer to study one semester abroad in Istanbul at the University of Bahçeşehir and if I want there is the option to stay even longer. September 22, 2011, exactly one year after the first time, I arrive in Istanbul. Again by car, only this time it is my own one. I carry with me almost everything that I own. I subleased my apartment in Berlin. I live in Istanbul now.
// 3 //
Albanian Mountains September 2011
// 4 //
Notes. Campground, Murter, Croatia, September 16, 2011. The wind here is like nowhere else and it comforts me very well. I came to this place to get healed a little bit. It’s special ; it’s like a small town of outlaws. This red ground! For some reason I feel a lot like home around here, though I haven’t been here that often. The people are united by the beach and the Adriatic Sea, everyone builds his own little camp.
Thessaloniki, Greece, September 19, 2011 I realize what it means to live here. I live in Istanbul, close to Greece! And it is the south and it is warm and awesome and it electrifies me so very much and it makes me so happy and so free. It feels like I have arrived and it feels like home. Thessaloniki is gentle and soft. The city calms me.
Thessaloniki, Greece, September 20, 2011 There is a thunderstorm. Sacrifice accepted.
// 5 //
Homeless and home Confusion everywhere. Moving every day.
enough time for all the fun stuff around
October 4, 2011!
First steps in a new country. All kinds of
here. As such : everything will be fine, for
New project – living – living properly in
people are hit for cash. All in all this is very
sure. If it wouldn’t be so damn exhausting...
Istanbul! I’m excited about being alone, having a key, furnishing, yeah yeah yeah!
exhausting and draining, especially because I already have to go to the University at
Two days later.
the same time. Yesterday, the well-known
If there is one place to do my own stuff, this
October 9, 2011.
Istanbul-headache was hardly bearable.
is it.
It starts to feel like home. Lately, I’m dre-
I can barely wait to close the door behind
aming so strongly. It’s a weird time right
me in Ağa Hamamı and have some peace.
now. I spend a lot of time with food, baking
Sometimes I want to scream and lash out
bread and healthy nutrition. 30 Lira I had
because this feeling of being homeless in
spent on the Sunday market, the fridge is
this situation, which is no good, is very
filled. Today, I had pumpkin soup and a
exhausting and sometimes even unbearable.
raw vegetable salad topped with a gently
I want to have some peace, cooking, sleeping,
roasted mushroom-walnut-almond-dish,
keep my things together and give a shit
very delicious. Let’s celebrate vegetable nu-
about everything. Travelling it is terrific to
trition without sugar and Bircher-Cereal for
be homeless, but now I have more stuff with
breakfast. I guess there is hardly any way to
me than fits into my backpack. That is totally
eat healthier. Tomorrow I will join the gym.
annoying. And then the car... And this
Then what? I should buy a book, I chill out
dependence on busses and everything.
a lot and have nothing to do. Damn internet.
I can’t really enjoy all this. But these days
But it feels good. Coffee and cigarettes top
will be over some day and there will be
off this healthy day with atmosphere.
// 6 //
// 7 //
Istanbul is like a beast. It is like honey if you are warm, it is like stone if you are cold. I was victim of Istanbuls merciless and victim of myself. Stupid things comfort me up these days like dark german brown bread or pictures of orange trees in Kreuzberg. This one week really fucked me up. But I survived the darkest days of my life.
DEAD SO DEAD!
// 8 //
Sick, relapse, surely because of sauna yesterday.
Tuesday
Wednesday
Fuck ey. I’m still totally sick. I’m not at peace with
Feeling lousy today, staying home, not in the
Istanbul. I do not accept it. The food is disgusting
mood for the big city. I am feeling faint and
me. I miss the healthy stuff. The language is
melancholic. What to do now? I am feeling so
annoying and the Turks anyway. I feel lonely and
unbelievably alienated and my need for loneliness
sick. I can’t do what I want. No sports, drag myself
is very strong. I am so lost right now. I don’t care
to University and cursing Istanbul’s mountains.
about anything, anything, anything. I’m still in
Drinking milk and getting stomachache. I hope it’s
this huge city and it feels like being caged and
not turning into an allergy or something worse.
being forced to hide in my beautiful cave. Yes, I
Today I have been forced to eat some falafel with
do like Istanbul but it is actually too tight. The
meat in some restaurant. Disgusting beef.
tightness is too strong and I am too freedom Friday
loving. I have to follow the pace because the
Yesterday, gastrointestinal breakdown! Puking,
streets are so crowded. I have to slow down
circulation. But the night was long and relaxing.
because there are too many people. I am thinking
Germany, oh Germany, I miss you so much.The
a lot about Zaiana. I’m feeling similarly sick,
wide distance is pulling at me. After bedriddenness
burned out, tired, faint, exhausted, melancholic,
I long for freedom, adventure, exercise, nature!
powerless – I don’t know what I am looking for.
South America. Up, up, go! I have cabin fever. I
What else is left to share? I feel so empty. So far
become a human being again, very slowly. The big
away from home. And deep inside my heart I feel
breakdown is over. Now it’s time for Istanbul.
that so many things will change. I want to get Sunday
away from everything. June, July, August and September – huge journey, far away, space and
Back to normal. I turned on the heating and cleaned up. The feeling of living here grows stronger slowly.
calmness and no people! To exorcize myself. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this anymore. Goodbye world!
// 9 //
Istanbul is like a ripping monster that is capable of consuming everything, but I feel safer every day, because this is my home now. And as from today a warm home, thanks to the heating ; without notice it sneaked in, the cold, and I ask myself why I have been freezing so much the past couple days, voluntarily. Outside the world is coming to an end and it‘s raining without ending. I got very calm inside and with a chuckle I witness myself being constantly afraid of strangers in this European party city. I don‘t want to go out into this night life, it‘s not attracting me. What am I supposed to find there? I enjoy loneliness to the fullest, as well as I enjoy thoughtlessness. Sports, eating, university, Turkish, shopping – that will be my life. And design and writing and reading. I discover more and more German islands around me, the book shop and the organic food store. I recreate my home the way I want it.
I think a lot about transience, about death, about the fact that I will one day remember this very day when I was young. I‘m reading Hermann Hesses‘ biography ; they run through decades so quickly that I forget completely how long it takes to live one single year.
Bad illness is over. Also the greatest crisis. I walk through the streets unprejudiced and observe! Never in my entire life I have been so weak and powerless and unable to move on like on Thursday. That was a big lesson. I‘ve never felt so uncomfortable in one place. And never have I felt so drained like on this day, by god, by the world and by myself.
// 10 //
// 11 //
Dear friends – I’m abroad now for a while and I start to remember and to be thoughtful and melancholic as well. Already the fact that 2011 will end very soon, everything happens so fast! I’m looking back at the summer of 2010 with a deep thankfulness. We shared a lot of experiences and good times together, like this never happened to me before. It was full of joy and important for me. Also lots of things happened which provided the foundation for the present. Especially my journey to Istanbul! It is the reason why I’m here now, living in this apartment in Cihangir. Lots of things happened in 2010. Without 2010 so many things would be so much different today.
Istanbul, October 29, 2011
// 12 //
// 13 //
// 14 //
// 15 //
Escape and return Facebook. I take a look at photographs of frozen forests, of Kreuzberg, of the Arena, of everything that once was my reality. It is December 27, 2011 and the sun is shining. This year Christmas has been very unchristmas-like, but not less nice. A lot of doors open, a lot of possibilities, a lot of good people, a lot of energy. I see Germany on pictures. Cold and wet and disgusting. It is totally different here. It does me well, so well. My exile is not coming to an end. At least not till March.
// 16 //
Escape and return
// 17 //
// 18 //
// 19 //
Çay istiyo // 20 //
or musun? // 21 //
Let the things grow...
I’m asked if I can imagine to live here one day. Well, right now I do live here. And it has its very own charm as well as its special place in my life right now. After three month one starts to settle in slowly because the time of getting used to has come to an end. I’m asked if I can imagine to live here one day. I always instantly say no. Why? The question, if I will spend the rest of my life in Berlin, has never crossed my mind before. I have spent my whole life there and Berlin is a playground that is big enough to provide satisfaction for a whole lifetime. On the other hand I don’t feel like spending my entire life there but I’m confident that life will lead me somewhere again and again, who knows where. But imagining spending my life in Istanbul scares me a lot. At the weekend I visited the Princes’ Islands and I could take a look at Istanbul as seen from the Sea of Marmara. Istanbul is so incredibly huge ; this city reaches from one horizon to the other. There is no escape and I’m in the middle, at the heart, at the Bosporus, in the historic district. The only exit is the ferry going to the Prices’ Islands but it has one crucial drawback : I get seasick. I didn’t know that before. Life here is exciting ; but Istanbul most of all gives me the prospect of many more life plans out there that can be experienced and more cities and more impressions. I’m not at all committed to Berlin. To the contrary, Istanbul rather convinces me to not take Berlin so seriously and to not cling to it so much. I can leave at any time, the world is big enough for me. Yet. Istanbul is part of my life but it won’t stay like this forever because I’m feeling much too restricted. Twenty Million people in one area are a lot of pressure which I subconsciously perceive very intensively. I can ignore it but it can also drive me crazy. It’s up to me how to handle it. I could have a nice life and things quickly evolve around here. I could be successful here. But do I want that? I miss the air, or maybe only the emptiness of Brandenburg around Berlin that lets me breathe. Around here the empty land begins after 100 kilometers There’s not much room left for breathing. The Bosporus is capable of airing everything, the city doesn’t reek. The sea air blows everything henceforth. But the water is no living space, at least not for long. Istanbul is a fast moving city. One rises like a shining star and everything happens so incredibly fast. I don’t know the whole story of this kind of love in Istanbul yet. As fast as it goes upwards, as fast it can go down again. That maybe also happen in Berlin, only slower, different. Here they hand out promises quickly, sometimes way to quickly for me so that I can trust them. On the other hand I’m not out of luck yet. Most people I had a good relationship with last year, are jointly responsible for things that helped us extremely. Alone that I can live in this apartment ; alone that I can leave the car with Hasan ; alone that Tan is such an incredible loyal friend and I start asking myself if I will ever be able to come even close to returning the favor. Maybe it’s only the German suspicion that comes up. But let the things grow.
// 22 //
Kızıl Adalar, Heybeliada // 23 //
Seriously – there are no words to describe the feeling of being here in Istanbul for a few months now. The road leads me backwards to become the outlaw again. I want to be unattached and free of conventions but at the same time I want to be open for any kind of human needs, and also able to bring energy and hope to the people just by sharing my experiences with them. Just by hitchhiking. Hitchhiking in a way that makes it possible to share my experiences and love. Nothing gives me more energy. Here I am, relying on connections I made during last year’s journey. That’s why I can live at Aĝa Hamamı Sokak in Cihangir and be here with Marcel. But what comes next? Another world? I feel so far away from Berlin.
// 24 //
We were at the street that leads out of Istanbul, till the border, till Germany. The trainsit route. Arnd said that in some month one will only see our red back lights at this place. There it hit me the first time that I will leave one day and how long I’ve been here, how much I got used to all this. It happened so slowly, I didn’t even realize. I realized that I love everything around here and that I started setting up a life. The Tarlabasımarket, Cihangir, the Datlı Maya, Arnd, Dilara, Ahmet, Arto, Katharina, Eva, Marcel, everything everything everything. Right now I’m very happy to be here, everything is still new and (almost) unwritten and foreign. I love everything so much, even though I sometimes curse it. Istanbul is melancholic and beautiful, but can be very cruel at the same time. I feel safer which gives me more liberty of action and self-confidence. Music of the moment : »You don‘t know me« by Apparat
// 25 //
December 2
December 15
10 degrees and sunshine, Finn is playing, Marcel
September – October – November – December :
is shaving himself, laundry is done, washing the
it will soon be three month. So long. Istanbul
dishes still to do, vacuum cleaning : check. Two
doesn’t feel like a huge megacity. The Bosporus,
days after a major migraine attack. I don’t want to
the huge bridge, this huge city that I can see from
go out yet, too much light and that in December.
above and that looks so small. I can never see
The migraine was very bad. I take it as a sign to
Berlin completely. At least not as often as I can
act or rather to let go of some things. Too tensed,
see Istanbul. I remember 2010. This journey back
too much fear, too much jealousy. It was jealousy’s
then. The power’s mystery is already broken. I feel
demon that immobilized me completely. He wants
like having an outside point of view but that fuels
all of my energy, takes all my strength away but
the temptation to feel superior. That means death.
actually only wants peace, air, freedom, to breathe.
That creates scorched earth and I’m just another
Maybe meditation would help. I don’t want to feel
small wheel in the world’s gearbox. Maybe a
so dead anymore. That was hell.
good small wheel but even that requires humility. It’s all about humility ; I have to stop polarizing, stop projecting my extreme emotions on people and learn how to channel them into art. I have to exercise myself in humility and respect and find a balance between distance and love. The life I live isn’t any different than the one others live ; I have the fortune or misfortune to live intensely, to handle things creatively and let them out. That’s the difference. But I can’t feel superior! All this bitterness only burns up. The craving that drives us all. I want to get out of this sadness and this feeling of being separated. That’s not me!
// 26 //
December 23 I alternate between euphoria and merciless sadness. Istanbul is like butter. What I want that happens. Everything is here. The whole world is like butter. But especially Istanbul.
// 27 //
7 days as guests in Bodrum, Turgu
// 28 //
utreis, Yasmin Resort
// 29 //
// 30 //
NEVER THOUGHT THAT I LOVE TO SPEAK AND WRITE IN ENGLISH. THERE MAYBE SEVERAL MOMENTS WHERE I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HOW TO EXPLAIN WHAT I MEAN. AND OF COURSE MY ACTIVELY USED WORDS ARE STILL LESS COMPARED TO THE WORDS I PASSIVELY UNDERSTAND, BUT THAT I’M NOT USED TO USE. AND I CAN IMAGINE THAT MY SENTENCE STRUCTURES ARE NOT LIKE THE STRUCTURES OF NATIVE SPEAKERS BUT I’M PROUD, YES, JUST PROUD ABOUT WHAT I’VE MADE SO WHAT CAN I SAY, IN ISTANBUL THE SECOND SEMESTER STARTS NOW AND ALSO A NEW TIME BEGINS. WELL IT FEELS LIKE THAT ANYWAY. BECAUSE I FEEL THAT I’M GETTING USED TO IT. I’M GETTING USED TO KÜÇÜK EVIM, I’M GETTING USED TO TURKS, I’M GETTING USED TO BE BLOND WHILE ALL THE OTHERS ARE BLACK OR BRUNETTE. IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY WAYS, MY SHOPS, LOVED PLACES, HATED PLACES, PLACES WHERE FRIENDS ARE, PLACES WHERE POTENTIAL FRIENDS ARE, PLACES WITH MÜSLI, SEBZE AND MEYVE, PLACES WITH ORGANIC FOOD. ALL THIS IN FRONT OF MY DOOR. I ALSO FEEL THAT MY VISUAL COMMUNICATION DESIGN STUDIES WILL COME TO AN END, NOT SOON, BUT IT’S GETTING CLOSER. I’M ASKING MYSELF WHERE WILL I GO AFTERWARDS, I’M ASKING MYSELF WHAT WILL I WORK, WHAT WILL I DO, WHICH FRIENDS WILL I HAVE, WHO WILL I FUCK? DO I WANT TO REPRODUCE MYSELF OR JUST GET PREGNANT AND THAT’S IT? WILL I BECOME LIKE MY MOTHER OR MY FATHER OR MY FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL OR LIKE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON OR JUST LIKE OLIVIA? BUT WHO IS OLIVIA? IS IT THE BLOND GIRL WITH THE LEOPARD PATTERN PANTS? OR IS IT THE SHY UGLY GIRL FROM THE PAST? WHO KNOWS? WHAT WILL BE MY BACHELOR THESIS? WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY TO CREATE? DO I WANT TO COOPERATE OR DO MY OWN THING? I LOVE TO BE IN ISTANBUL BECAUSE I FEEL A HUGE DISTANCE BETWEEN ME AND MY HOME, WHICH IS FANTASTIC AND ESSENTIAL. I ALSO REALIZE THAT ONE DAY I WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY HOME CALLED »BERLIN«. I WILL GO THERE FOR A VISIT IN ONE MONTH AND IT FEELS LIKE A VERY EXITING JOURNEY TO UNKNOWN PLACES. WHAT I’VE ACHIEVED WITH THIS YEAR ABROAD IS TO RENEW MY FEELINGS FOR HOME. I LIKE TRAVELLING SO MUCH AND NOW I’M ABLE TO TRAVEL TO BERLIN BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY FORGOTTEN HOW IT FEELS TO BE THERE. THERE ARE FADED MEMORIES AND IDEAS OF THE LIFE THERE. AND OF COURSE ALL OF THEM WERE REAL. IT WAS REAL WHEN I DROVE HOME FROM SPINNING LESSONS ON MY BIKE THROUGH THE NIGHT. IT WAS REAL WHEN MARCEL WENT DOWN ON HIS KNEES TO KISS ME IN FRONT OF THE BIKE SHOP WHERE I WAS REPAIRING MY BIKE. IT WAS REAL WHEN I WAS RUNNING OVER THE FIELD IN TEMPELHOF IN THE SUNSHINE WITHOUT GETTING ANSWERS FROM HEAVEN. IT WAS REAL WEHEN I HAD BREAKFAST IN WINTER IN MY LIVING ROOM. THESE FEELINGS THAT MADE ME RUN AWAY, AWAY FROM BERLIN, TO ISTANBUL AND ZAIANA WHERE SO VERY REAL. BUT NOW A DIFFERENT REALITY IS SURROUNDING ME. WE WILL SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR THE OLD HABBITS TO COME BACK TO EMBRACE ME IN BERLIN AFTER MY RETURN. MAYBE IMMEDIATELY, MAYBE NEVER, MAYBE AFTER THE FIRST STRESS I SUFFER. WHAT THE FUCK, I DON’T CARE. I FEEL MORE INDEPENDENT. I KNOW NOW VERY CLEARLY THAT I’M ABLE TO BUILD UP A NEW LIFE AND LEARN A TOTALLY DIFFERNT LANGUAGE. I’M ABLE TO DO THAT. AND THIS WORLD IS SO UNBELIEVABLY BIG. AND IT SCREAMS : COME COME COME, THERE ARE PLACES THAT YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE! IT’S STILL ABOUT PRIDE. THE THING ABOUT FORTUNE – WELL IT’S COMING AND GOING WITHOUT MY INFLUENCE. BUT I WILL GO MY WAY STRAIGHTAWAY, WHAT ELSE CAN I DO EVEN IF I DON’T LIKE IT. I WILL GO. AND THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. THERE IS NOTHING TO LOOSE. ANYWAY MY HOME IS NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. I WILL NEVER GO BACK AND BECOME THE SAME PERSON AGAIN. I’M JUST A GUEST, EVERYWHERE, ANYTIME. YESTERDAY I REALIZED THAT I MISS LISTENING TO CHURCH BELLS.
SO WHAT CAN I SAY // 31 //
Portrait of a lady
// 32 //
Arkadaşım fotoĝraflar çekti
// 33 //
Yeni ev var, taşın sonra alma Ich werde ab heut Projekt beg alles rein? M Wahrnehmunge Angst, so zu wer werden wollt Ansprüche un mich und d // 34 //
nacağız ve bir gün anyaya geleceğim ! te mein Magazin– ginnen. Was soll da Meine gewandelten en der Welt? Meine rden, wie ich nicht te? Meine eigenen nd Erwartungen an den Rest der Welt? // 35 //
In three days we move to Cukurcuma. Last week I was really down, now my perception of the world is different – better. And I go to Germany, I’m very excited. How perceptions change, of Germany, of Istanbul, on myself. Where will I be? There are so many questions that life will answer. I wintered. More or less. The winter goes, spring comes! Strength is coming back. Güçlu!
// 36 //
// 37 //
Deutsc
Ships before the city – till the horizon. Doz
lay quietly in front of Istanbul and the Bo
it and it touched me deeply. The flight w
landing – leaving and touching the groun
Turkish and don’t understand much. In Fr
a spectator, very funny and suddenly eve
again. Several times I have to laugh inside
so significant. The things they talk abou
conversations, I was protected against tho
grateful – organic grocery stores, grains, cer
I’m very open and I have
// 38 //
chland !
zens of cargo ships ; like a silent army they
osporus, silent but still threatening. I saw
was exciting and the feeling at takeoff and
nd... I enter the plane, everyone is talking
rankfurt I walk slowly and I it feels like I’m
eryone is talking German – I understand
e ; it’s so absurd, so pretty, so unimportant,
ut on the street are trivial. Unimportant
ose in Istanbul. Here in Wiesbaden I’m very
reals, cremes, lotions, nice things, books and
e interesting encounters.
// 39 //
Baum
I took a long walk through the park in Wiesbaden and I see a tree – and I have to stop because it is so beautiful and sublime. It was very mighty and huge. I rarely paid attention to trees ; there are not so many trees in Istanbul. I realize how much I like them. I have become very tired and I fall asleep with my head on the kitchen table.
// 40 //
Stille
// 41 //
// 42 //
// 43 //
// 44 //
I have been taking a long walk, bought a lot. Bear‘s garlic pesto, cosmetics by Weleda, birch leaf detox treatment, cereal. It’s good, these are nice things, I need supplies. I have experimented with people ; I was very friendly to everybody, very open and everyone reacted well to it. Everything is very relaxed – in Istanbul it is so loud, so hectic.
// 45 //
// 46 //
...Silence!
// 47 //
// 48 //
// 49 //
BERLIN ! Don‘t you let me g Berlin is a great city! I’m very happy and grateful to be here. Berlin is softer than Istanbul, not less beautiful, not less bad, no more, no less – nothing! I see so much, I feel so much and I’m barely able to process all this. This is my home, I can feel that. That doesn’t mean that I can’t leave, but Berlin is my base. It makes me really happy to know that now. Right now I don’t feel like flying back, back to my daily routine ; I was never good at that. Oh, and it’s so pretty quiet here, I never realized that before. It touches me deep down in my soul, that silence ; and even though everything looks very different I realize that this is my home, that’s my apartment. I live here! And it’s my apartment. Mine, mine, mine.
I realize how long I have lived abroad. I’m looking forward to what will happen next. I have doubts, I believe, I love. I’m looking forward to what I will further be able to do in this world. Slowly, slowly I understand that I can do everything that I want. It’s just up to me. I start to get energy for more. This winter was hard, Istanbul was hard and lovely. But it’s springtime now. I have energy for more. I will work in Istanbul, I will travel, I will come back soon! I will do wonderful things, I will work hard and I want to believe in myself again. So many people are impressed and they give me truth and honesty. Less bad impressions, mostly good and positive ones. I have to believe in that as well. Not only them, but me. The world loves me and I love the world. That will be my journey. My challenge will be to put my life into art. Just live, just live, just to it, fucking fuck!
I hope you’re not lonely without me. I love to be alive but I’m not afraid to die.
// 50 //
go tonight. Here in Germany I realize how small my world has become. It’s made of Cihangir and Taksim and Beşiktaş and some other places. And that was about it. In Istanbul I feel very restricted because the ways take such a long time. It’s very tough to get through there : You can get used to it and slowly go along. Very slowly, like walking through stringy honey. That can be wonderful but I realize that the exercise I get here in Berlin benefits me a lot. And I don’t want to compare what’s better or worse. No, everything is absolutely great the way it is. Everything is the way it’s supposed to be and everything has its place. Istanbul is a small world and it’s tempting you by any means possible. It lures you in and apparently offers you a whole world. And I like cities. But I’m tired of cities. They can’t get me anymore. I want to work within them, but I have to find some balance at the same time. Otherwise there will be no progress someday. It’s only now that I realize that I have been away at all. Berlin is still Berlin and the A115 is still a single-lane street on one side, some trees have been cut down, some things have been changed. Berlin, the city I missed a lot in the beginning and that I had to forget. It’s still there and it’s still my home. I go outside, I see people and I want to love all this, the way it deserves my love. I want to think positive, always and everywhere. I want to smile at people and bond with them. It’s so easy here, as it is in Turkey. And here I know the language a lot better! And it works, hard to believe, but it works. I can feel that I have been gone a long time. I’m excited for my life. I doubt, I believe, I love.
// 51 //
Tekrar Istanbul‘
// 52 //
‘a gidiyorum
// 53 //
One week after Berlin. I take a look at the pictures and everything is so far away already... Paul-Linke-Ufer, the sun, this beautiful light, this kind atmosphere that Berlin has only during spring. My friends, Lili, Annika, Emel, my dentist, Thomas, Schwengel ; people that belong to my life somehow. Things that I never loved the way they deserve to be. Here in Istanbul I realize how far gone I am from all this. I became more honest. I got more relentless but with great understanding at the same time. Yes, I didn’t want to leave ; Monday night I have left my home again. Here in Istanbul it’s only half as bad as I have expected. I’m starting to process the first six month that I have spent in Istanbul. It’s getting clearer, shorter, more condensed. Yes, especially the first two month in Istanbul have been one of the worst times in my life. But it’s over ; I don’t know what’s coming next, whether it’s going to be good or bad or both. It’s important to not forget where you come from. I took some things with me, things that will stay. And cereal and cremes are only symbols, there are things deep in my heart. I understood now that Berlin is my home. It was hard for me to let go of Berlin, I would have liked to stay a bit longer. But I had to, there are still some things for me to do around here, things to finish ; some great month are ahead of me in this small house in Cukurcuma. There are things I have to finish in Istanbul and take them back to Berlin, after all everything is still here. Spring is approaching, harika, it’s getting warm and more gentle. Istanbul during winter is at least as melancholic as Berlin under its ice cover and it has driven me crazy all the same. It’s important to have one’s home in one’s heart. Through my absence I have realized that Berlin is my home right now ; during the three days I have been there I could take a piece of it into my heart. And one shouldn’t forget that. Just as Lili who bought her Hipster glasses in Boston I wear Hipster shoes around here ; I’m as much Berlin as possible just to remember where I come from. Only after we are sure where we come from, we are truly capable of being open and able to go out into the world with the best feeling possible. In the end everything is right and it doesn’t take symbols or temporal, material things to realize that. Though in the beginning you need assurance most of all and you need to take the crucial first step.
Home ca // 54 //
It’s just a little step to realize what home means to us. Sometimes we need to buy food or clothes from our home country. We work with symbols all the time but in the end they are meaningless, but necessary to understand the main point – wherever your home is, carry it with you deep in your heart. Until you find your home you are a searcher, restless, desperate. It’s in your homeland ; it’s somewhere far away ; or somewhere between the world of reality and dreams.
an be everywhere. // 55 //
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Beginning of April 2012. I go again to the Princes’ Islands. This time I’m not sick, I’m fine. I see this huge city of Istanbul getting smaller and smaller next to me and it’s not threatening me anymore. The sun is shining and everything is fine. Gosh, how much has changed during the past six month. Yes, I do live here right now and it’s my home. I’m happy around here. I have the feeling that I have walked right through the city, through my experiences which partly have been going deep and have been extremely painful indeed. But I made my peace with Istanbul. I let go of Istanbul and I like the city a lot. It became part of my life. Istanbul doesn’t fight me anymore and I have stopped to see the city as my enemy. The trip to the islands in December has taken forever. This time I’m already there. And I have barely realized it. Istanbul isn’t pulling at me anymore if I go away. I swim along, I slide and it’s easy for me to slip away.
Home ca // 58 //
an be everywhere ! // 59 //
Toys and years of travel
New doors open up. I’m getting less and less scared of my life. The temporary separation causes less and less fear with me. The years of travel are beginning. Faraway places are calling. The time in Istanbul is coming to an end, two month left and in four days a short trip to Berlin. Triad is calling, then the Bachelor, then America! I’m ready. Portland seems to be perfect for me, I’m looking for new challenges! I wand green, green is very important to me. A life worth living and simple that doesn’t need much but has quality. A life that I have never dreamed of. It causes fear and respect but at the same time there is assurance that everything is relative and actually only a game. And it’s meant to be played by me. I know that everything is easier said than done but I can demand everybody to make self-determined decisions. A lot of people build their habits on the old world’s foundation. Failing is socially unacceptable. That causes fear. Human beings want everything to be secure, ironically this security only exists with people who gave up all securities. Yes, I still learn something new. But I want to be honest. In Istanbul I have been failing for five month. Here I stand now. Istanbul is over. I’m moving on. Berlin has been saved. Now I have to work on
// 60 //
n saving Istanbul.
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Wande
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er jahre !
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My little Jetsetlife. Istanbul – Berlin – Istanbul. For only 5 days. I have things to arrange, things to prepare. It will be my last trip to Berlin before I go back home in June.
// 66 //
Istanbul is still the same after 5 days in germany. I have 22,5 kg baggage weight. The bridge is still existing, Istanbul is not moving like I did.
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Heaven Somehow very confusing. I have been in Berlin for five days and it was not much time. Now I enter the plane, the runway is lighted by countless golden dots and guides us the way into
the sky. We take off and fly, from above I can see Berlin lying beneath me, and getting smaller and smaller. There are no clouds in the sky, and everything is very black and quiet. The flighed passes by quickly in what feels like microsleeps, and we approach Istanbul. I can see the Black Sea, and Istanbul also lies quiet and silent beneath me like a golden strap. I recognize the bridge, Sultan Ahmed Mosque and the Bosporus which seperates the sea of light like a black barrier. This city is not frightening me anymore - Istanbul lies harmles in front of me and it is not dreadful anymore.
// 70 //
// 71 //
LIFE IS CO AND MING T SUMM HE HOPE BACK TO ISTAN A E N R D I S ARR MAN T Y PEO IVING HE SUN B OF SA PLE A Y CITY ING GOO ND THE H W H IC A D RD T B Y E BE M H T IM O TH WAS Y HO IS SUPP ME F 7 MO O SED T OR Q NTHS U O S A DN ITE A HERE ESS F LONG WAIT OR W TI ING F H SO M OR N AT I WIL UCH L LEF EW E SO M W X T UCH AS HAPP PERIENC SO M CHAN ES ENIN UCH G HE G E D BUT I RE I HAV S STILL C HAN E TO FINIS GING GO B HING A CON T I N U S OM E T H C K ING E S OM IN BE R ETHI BACK LIN. NG HOM E. And I start to be able to see the beauty of this city and to love this city again. I feel calm and save here now. Lots of friends are here now. Am I ready for Berlin? Berlin will be a new city for me. New experiences and new challenges. I can‘t wait. I‘m so impatienced. For Istanbul as for Berlin. My life is confusing me.
// 72 //
BUL
ME
IME
// 73 //
ÂťDo it in you us would // 74 //
n a way sually dn‘t.ÂŤ Thanks Ipek for this magnificent comment.
// 75 //
H Fr
// 76 //
Mai 6, 2012 A nice evening with Arto. Exchanged lots of thoughts – communication is simply everything. Istanbul has changed a lot and it finally became summer! Today I once again realized that I‘m in the south. Warm wind, hot sun, mild atmosphere. It feels good to talk about new thoughts, which were caused by Istanbul ; about goals, about selffulfillment, relationships. That one should admit every now and then, that one doesn‘t always have to live in extremes, but can also be happy in the middle. And even that doesn‘t ever have to be defined precisely by me ; life means change, every day. And times are changing. It‘s time to grow up. I survived Istanbul. I‘m lucky that the world puts me again and again in new situations that I have to deal with and learn something from. I had many tests to pass ; tests that demanded a lot from me and somehow they have always been connected with fundamental processes. Nothing was priceless and nothing is priceless. As such : the world is very kind to me and I appreciate that a lot. Everything has a meaning and I want to stop being afraid of it. It‘s not easy, sometimes it really hurts. I have two sides within me that fight all the time, whether I depict things positively or negatively. Right now I‘m on the fine line in between, anytime it can go one way or the other. I wish that both sides finally find peace with each other.
Peace Honesty reedom
// 77 //
»It‘s g clear th // 78 //
getting hough.ÂŤ // 79 //
// 80 //
»My eyes turn eastward. Asia, I want to go to Asia. I don’t feel Europe anymore, I want to get away from all of this, I want to get finished. I want to got to Asia, I want to go to Amerika. Dilara is back from New York - there are big plans and without much effort, everything just works. Be careful what you wish for. Dilara is one of the most impressive woman I know. And maybe, yea, yea, whatever, everything can happen, and life is so beautiful. And yesterday evening, at some point I realized that the energies had changed slowly. «
// 81 //
Istanbul is a p afterwards com Istanbul i Slowly I unders melancholia about. Ista weltsc
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pushing beat. And mes the hangower. is a hangower city. stand the Istanbula which people talk anbul is excess and chmerz afterwards.
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// 84 //
Istanbul is not going easy on me, especially since now and then I have to deal with things that demand a lot of engery. Despite these constant distractions by little things everything goes well, after all. I go my own way. Today, I made a person very happy with cookies from Datli Maya, in return I get an amazing recipe (roasted and grated carrots, garlik and nuts, with yogurt). And after I thought that love wouldn’t exist anymore, yesterday, I can even be in love again, today. I feel very close to the world. Only four more weeks I will be in Istanbul and time is running out. The clock is ticking relentlessly backwards and forwards. So much has happened in the past few month, so much has changed. Today I realized something : I don’t need appointments anymore, everything happens as it will be. Many appointments can’t be kept because in Istanbul appointments don’t work. The city is so busy bringing everything together. Human schedules quickly become secondary and get run over. However, this strange own dynamic of Istanbul rarely becomes a disadvantage. It often has its place and reason that things happen the way they happen here. Ahmet is calling me and asks if I’m OK, as if he had anything to do with that. I just don’t know; yesterday everyting was so hard, today everthing is very beautiful. Tomorrow everything can be totally different again; I’m aware of that, still I enjoy the day, and the minute, and the beats, the pushing beats of Istanbul. Love you.
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// 86 //
Humility Demut Tevazu // 87 //
English
Deutsch
Tßrkçe
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Transformation
// 91 //
My body is my temple ; your body is your temple, and together we celebrate
My body is my temple. A little dog has pooped all over it. No surprise that
our love. We make sacrifices, we take and we give pleasure, we have a
I didn’t like this temple, even barely recognized it in the beginning. For a
religious service. At the beginning I didn’t understand why Istanbul,
long time I hoped it would be enough if the sun just shines on it and I
why I had to leave. So many things have changed. By now, there are only
wouldn’t be able to see the crap in the pouring light. But a waterfall was
a couple days left before I leave for Germany. Berlin, my old beloved, and
necessary, a heavy rain, a basic cleaning. It took me a year in Istanbul –
new perspectives and new faces are waiting there for me. What’s left after
exactly one year ago I started to unravel the temple. Often it made me
almost nine month in Istanbul? I want to do it again! – that’s the very first
desperate and sad to see how neglected the temple was. I was clueless how I
wish. With Marcel. I met a lot of people, und I have taken a few into my
should live with it, even less how to get it clean. Ahmet knew how, and he
heart – strong and deep. I learned to survive hard times. Getting sick
broke the levee at exactly the right moment. And the water was pouring
and healing. And then there is a difference between healing and being
through the rooms, pillars, altars. The service can start. The little dog is
healed. Living in a 20-million-metropolis and striving to isolate yourself
playing in the garden, he goes into the woods for pooping, now. Outside.
from that. Growing apart and finding again. New recipes, new spices, new
Where the rain is flushing everything away.
ingredients. A good body awareness and a tattoo for (my) eternity. Living at the sea and immobility in narrow streets of Beyoğlu.
Büyükada, June 3, 2012 // 92 //
My body is my temple.
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// 94 //
12. Juni 2012. Wie sehr ich diese Momente liebe, in denen man zu früh kommt – früh am Morgen, alles ist noch jung und unberührt. Es ist Sommer und der Wind warm. Ich warte 20 Minuten auf die Ankunft der Gruppe, stehe auf einer Treppe und sehe den Bosporus. Ich erinnere mich an einen Tag in meiner Schule in Berlin. Das ist inzwischen zwölf Jahre her. Ich wusste damals, dass ich diese Schule verlassen werde. Es war Hochsommer, fast Schulferien und ich war zu früh. Ich stand in dem riesigen massiven Treppenhaus und habe den Geräuschen des Hauses gelauscht. Ich habe den Abschied gespürt. Und ich wusste damals, dass das grad ein magischer und mächtiger Moment meines Lebens ist. Es war ein wichtiger Augenblick. Heute ist dasselbe passiert : Abschied von Istanbul. Ich sage Auf Wiedersehen zu einer Stadt, in der seit einer Woche Hochsommer ist. Es ist 9 Uhr morgens, es sind 25° Celsius, ich höre die Schiffshupen, die Taxis und spüre den Wind auf meiner Haut. Alles ist gut.
// 95 //
Der letzte Tag. Günaydin Kreuzberg. Ich habe die Performance für Honesty vorbereitet, alles ist auf dem Weg. Ich warte auf Haverich und Buhmann und Marcel. Alle sollten bald kommen. Ich habe aufgeräumt und gestern zuviel geraucht. Ich habe mein Istanbuler Leben in Kisten verstaut, und habe Eis im Nescafe. Ich habe meine Lieblingssachen angezogen und fühle mich unwohl. Ich bin hin- und hergerissen. Ich vermisse Finn, das Haus ist leer ohne ihn. Ich höre Grizzlymix-Mixtapes und lade Musik runter, für die Heimfahrt. Es ist so komisch, das wir morgen einfach ins Auto steigen, um nach Berlin zu fahren. In einer Woche werde ich schon lange dort sein : in Deutschland, in Berlin. Ich freue mich sehr auf die neue Zeit in Berlin, aufs Alleinsein, auf die Fusion, auf die neuen Herausforderungen. Ich werde Istanbul sehr vermissen. Ich will bei Marcel sein.
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Auf der Straße. Ein Tag hinter Istanbul, eine Nacht in Plovdiv verbracht, ein Tag hinter dem Wahnsinn vom Bosporus, mitten in der Hochebene von Bulgarien, hundert Kilometer vor Sofia. Gestern war sehr chaotisch, und an einem gewissen Punkt habe ich gespürt, wie mein Reisemodus ansprang. Ich wollte mich nur noch losreißen, ich bekam einen Tunnelblick. Alles ging schnell vorbei, und irgendwann konnten wir uns dann auch Istanbul entkommen. Der Zwischenstatus ist schön, ich liebe die Bewegung und die Fahrt auf der Straße. Und jetzt? Jetzt begebe ich mich zurück in mein altes Zuhause, und ich überlege schon im Kopf, was ich alles wegschmeißen und verkaufen möchte. Am liebsten würde ich das sofort machen. Einfach zum nächsten (natürlich) türkischen Händler und alles verkloppen. Allen unnötigen Ballast abwerfen. Ich werde vieles wegschmeißen, nach dieser langen Zeit habe ich eine andere Beziehung zu meinen Sachen bekommen, warum das alles aufheben und bunkern? Alles so unwichtig und ich habe es immerhin auch jetzt fast 10 Monate ohne diese Dinge ausgehalten. Und es ist niemals aufzuwiegen mit den Dingen, die ich erlebt und gesehen habe. Wie hunderte kleine Diamanten in meinem Herzen.
// 98 //
Bulgarien, 20. Juni 2012
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Fusion. Tanzen + 01. Juli 2012 : Lärz, Deutschland, auf dem Fusion Festival. Langer Tag. Baba Zula auf der Fusion, der Wahnsinn. Tanzen + Körper. Dann kam ein heftiger Sturm, weswegen das Festival unterbrochen werden musste. Schlafen + Tanzen + Müsli. Jetzt Soja Latte und die letzten Minuten genießen. Ich bin angekommen in Deutschland, ich will jetzt heim nach Berlin. Ich habe die Zeit in Istanbul in der einen Stunde mit Baba Zula noch einmal erlebt. Der Anfang, die Mitte, das Ende, alle die Straßen. Mama hat Geburtstag heute. Komisch. Beats. Ein süßes Kind namens »Uma «. Jetzt kommt eine komische Zeit. Allein in Berlin, Triad, Kreuzberg, Ich disztanziere mich. Ich werde klar. Ich lerne meine Energie kennen. Ich liebe mich, ja, ich fange an mich zu mögen. Ganz neues Gefühl. Es ist komisch, zu merken, wie und was sich alles verändert hat. Aber zum Guten. Ich bin außen und kann dennoch alles genießen. Ich kann lieben, bin aber nicht abhängig davon. Ich spüre, was Istanbul getan hat. Der Istambuler Beat hats mir gezeigt. Veränderung – Selbstliebe – Ehrlichkeit – Loslassen – Gehen lassen – Energie. Ich bin sehr nahe bei mir, näher als jemals zuvor. Und es kam ganz unspektakulär, einfach so wars da. Amen.
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+ Körper
Auf dem Fusionband von 2011 steht das Datum der Fusion 2012. Es war ein Jahr an meinem Arm, überall dabei. Das Datum, an dem ich nach Deutschland zurückgekehrt bin. Ein Kreis schließt sich, und ein ganzes Jahr ging vorüber. Loslassen, gehen lassen, abschließen, Liebe.
// 101 //
Heimkehren.
// 102 //
Es ist so konfus. Ich bin in Berlin, ich bin nicht in Istanbul. Ich war ruhig, doch nun kehrt Alltag ein. Es tut mir weh. Ahmet war online. Ich konnte nicht schlafen und er wusste das. Das kleine Mädchen in mir will wegrennen. Die Frau in mir weiß, das es richtig ist zu bleiben. In mir erwacht eine Energie ; eine jahrelang eingesperrte Energie. Erwachen. Ich brauche Zeit für mich. Ich spüre in mir soviel, was mich gleichzeitig traurig und glücklich und kraftvoll macht. Es ist immer an der Grenze, immer dazwischen, und oft genug komme ich nicht weiter. Ich bin so nah bei mir, wie noch nie zuvor. Gleichzeitig lese ich viel und merke, dass mein nächstes Projekt »Awakening« soviel mit der Spiritualität zu tun hat, die ich grad entdecke. Istanbul hat soviel verändert. Es ist alles so klar, wie nach einem langen Regen. Es war so gut, und ich bin so dankbar für jeden einzelnen Moment meines Lebens, und natürlich die letzen 9 Monate in Istanbul. Und nun? Ich beginne, eine neue Farbe zu sehen. Sie ist überall, in Menschen, in Projekten, in Gemeinschaften, in Ideen. Eine Farbe, die vorher unsichtbar war, die ich momentan eher erahne als sie vollkommen zu erkennen. Es ist eine neue Wahrnehmung der Welt, eine neues Werkzeug. Sie macht mich mächtig und gleichzeitig macht sie mir Angst. Ich lerne meine Energie kennen. Und die Welt rückt zusammen. Orte werden unwichtig, Grenzen verschwimmen. Alles ist möglich – Awakening!
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I‘ll be everything I‘ll ever be. I invite you all to eat my soul.
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Danke.
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+++ Istanbul Tracklist +++ Lana Del Rey – Carmen Lana Del Rey – Video Games Lykke Li – I‘m Good I‘m Gone Oh Land – Perfection Thees Uhlmann – Zum Laichen und Sterben ziehen die Lachse den Fluß hinauf Trentemoeller – Evil Dub Frida Gold – Cold Hearted Baby Apparat – Goodbye Apparat – Your House Is My World Canon Blue – Indian Summer (Des Moines) Canon Blue – Velveteenager (Minneapolis) Canon Blue – Andalusia (Davenport) Şevval Sam – Geleva Delesi Hot Chip – Look At Where We Are Interpol – Pace Is the Trick Lana Del Rey – Born to Die Lykke Li – Tonight barıs ra‘s fotonmiks Grizzly Mix – We Could Live Forever Grizzly Mix – My Slow and Melancholich Descent Into Alcoholism Thomas Newmann – Angela Undress Arash & Rebecca & Aneela – Bombay Dreams Katzenjammer – Rock Paper Scissors The Black Keys – Tighten Up and the whole Album »Brothers«
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Every human being has in varyingly distinctive intensity the tendency to discover and understand him- or herself. Your own body and your own psyche are repeatedly subjects to self-reflexion within the cycle of life. On the way of self-awareness, a change of location involves as a rule a big catalytic effect. Taking a bipolar point of view, there are two extreme goals : A journey to loneliness or a journey to a social overcrowded area. Both extremes include challenges.
It is fascinating to observe how a single person reacts on such a journey to one’s inner self. The following criteria may be of importance. First : The level of possibility to comprehend experiences in a foreign environment. Secondly : The level of ability to understand these experiences. Thirdly : The level of potential to process these experiences. Fourthly : The level of willingness to communicate these experiences, realizations and what has been processed to others (tarket audience). Fifthly: The level of potential to use different media and forms of experession when communicating. Every conversation, every text and every movie can be analyized according to these criteria. One apspect which is more important then all these criteria is the level of honesty towards oneself and others.
If you want to use this categorized scale with »Honesty«, you will come to the conclusion that, in every aspect, Olivia Güthling took a path without compromises and that she went very far in doing so.
Olivia Güthling did not choose the easy way in doing so. Choosing Istanbul as destination can be considered as one of the thoughest locations to be because this electrifying metropolis exposes you to an enormous quantity of impressions, questions, emotions and people. You have to mentally process everything first, before you can start to understand yourself. It is not done with one single journey to Istanbul, the traveler visits Istanbul again and again ; a lot of people share this experience - and that is also what happend to Olivia Güthling, and she will definitly continue to feel this way.
Further analysis of single aspects may be left to every recipient himself. However, these accompanying thoughts may contribute to the recognition of »Honesty’s« true quality.
Arnd Bornemann Istanbul, 2012
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Epilogue
// 111 //
Thanks
» Honesty« © Olivia Güthling / www.oliviaguethling.de Verwendete Schriften – Book Antiqua / Museo Slab Fotografien – Olivia Güthling Fotografien – S. 32 von Jasmin Fayad / www.jfayad.de/ Übersetzung ins Englische von Stefanie Kalleske / www.kalleske-translation.com Alle Rechte vorbehalten.
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to Ipek Torun for lecturing, patience and inspiration Didem Wong for support Burak Tamer for moving patterns and sound Marcel Martin for love and sound and so much more Selim Eyuboğlu for special expressions Angelika Margull for confidence Ben Deiß for fun about cyclops Stefanie Kalleske for translating the whole magazine into english Arnd Bornemann for a special friendship Katharina Haverich for so many lovley things Arto Buhmann for being the best guy around Eva Lechner for being the best teamplayer Emel Birsin for cremé fraiché and Bodrum Dilara Erbay for spices and energy Ahmet Bugdaycı for changing my life Gülşha Aydın for being soulmate Ergin Aydar for hope Annika Hillebrand for friendship Thomas Vogel for friendship too Lili Sommerfeld for the story about her berlin hipster glasses Konrad von Wittich for reparing the terrible fridge Barbara Venettikidou for sensibility Nursen Özdemir Türkçe dil için Sigrid Klotzbach for changes Tan Ander for being Tan Jasmin Fayad for photographs (p. 32) Violetta for neighbourhood Datli Maya Crew for being my second home Chris Exner for cycling music Innpera Sport Studio Crew for supporting my cycling obsession Mustafa Aksoy for solving problems Stefan Sadecki for relaxed times and Portland Hasan Tahsin Günar for understanding my tattoo Hasan Huseyin for the parking space Lutz Engelke for understanding
// 113 //
HONE
YOU‘RE LOOKIN WHEN I‘M LOO Olivia Güthling