BACK-TO-SCHOOL CONCERNS

MARJIE DUCEY

World-Herald Sta Writer

There are a lot of things to discuss with your kids as the start of school nears.

It’s no longer just about their performance in the classroom. Topics may run the gamut from rst-day jitters and tting in with peers to heavier stuff such as bullying, violence and school shootings.

“Kids worry about all kinds of things,” said Dr. Ashley Harlow, a licensed child and adolescent psychologist and a nationally certi ed school psychologist from Children’s Hospital & Medical Center’s behavioral health team. It’s important to give them a chance to voice their concerns.

Here’s how a conversation might start, Harlow said.

“Have you thought at all about how you might handle bullies? Because I’m thinking about it, too,” Harlow used as an example.

Then introduce a topic you think they might be fretting about.

While talking, Harlow said, follow your child’s lead, be honest, direct and concrete, have a plan relating to what the anxiety is about and know resources and professionals you can reach out to as needed. That might be a school website, a homework help line or the school’s preparedness plan if there is a threat of violence.

In his practice, Harlow has found that kids worry about different things at different ages:

Grade School Level

The things he hears have a lot to do with friends and teachers. “Is my teacher going to be nice, are my classmates going to like me?” It’s what Harlow calls the jitters.

As a parent, he might start by saying: “I am sending you to school, I think it’s really important. I wouldn’t send you if i didn’t feel you were safe and have an opportunity to learn.”

Again, follow your child’s lead. Let them know that no matter what happens in the classroom, you’ll gure it out together.

Middle School

Things get more complicated at this age. Academic demands increase and they have more independence at school. It’s at this time they start to think more about whether something scary or violent could happen in school or that they could fail, either in the classroom or in activities.

They might worry if they’ll get lost at their new school, if older kids will be mean to them and if they’ll get beat up in the hallway or bathrooms. Again, follow their lead and come up with a plan, depending on the concern.

If it’s about academics, it might be how together you can come up with a routine that allows time to get homework nished. That might mean committing to completing homework at study hall or looking into the school’s support system if they are struggling with a class.

Kids at this age are more exposed to current events, so be ready to talk about their possible fears of violence. You can go over what the school’s plans for prevention are and what actions they should take if something occurs.

High School

Engage with their worries, talk through the logical conclusion of what they are worrying about (avoid “that’s not going to happen” or “everything will be OK”), investigate school policies together and discuss how you can stay in touch if there is an incident.

Teens better understand possibility and probability, so you can better discuss the likelihood of something like a shooting actually happening at their school. Knowing there have been just a few incidents of violence or none at all in their district might put the threat into perspective.

“Most kids get through educational careers without being involved in school violence,” Harlow said. “The vast majority of schools have not experienced active shooters.”

Try to avoid reassuring them by saying that it will never happen to them because kids, especially as they grow older, understand all too well that it can.

“That’s not going to help in addressing kids’ anxiety,” Harlow said.

PARENTS WORRY, TOO

It’s not an easy time to be a parent, either. School shootings are a reality as is bullying and pressure from social media.

If your child is worried about school shootings, Harlow suggests talking about how you wouldn’t send them to school if you didn’t think they would be safe and protected. You can discuss the drills they practice in school, what the school is going to do to support their safety and actions you hope they can take, too. Remind them that schools are planning for dangerous events like fires and human threats and are monitoring the situation to keep students safe.

Keep conversations age appropriate.

Harlow said he doesn’t want to normalize school shootings, but the conversations acknowledge the reality of our world where they continue to occur.

Bullying is also a big concern. The vast majority of kids experience some kind of bullying before they graduate high school.

Talk to your children openly and frequently about what it is and how they can address it, Harlow said. Teach them that they can be an active bystander and can challenge bullying when they see it. Encourage inclusivity in the classroom and on the playground.

If someone is being bullied, or if there is some kind of threat online or in the classroom, remind them they can take an active role in reporting that information to school professionals.

Direct, open, honest and age-appropriate conversations with kids strengthens their ability to respond to bullying that might occur, Harlow said.

“It helps them feel more comfortable and validated,” he said. “It helps them feel empowered if bullying happens. They have a plan for what they are going to do.”

Kids may also be starting to worry about their online presence. They’ve likely had a little break over the summer, but it will ramp up with the return of school and face-to-face interactions. Be very present in your child’s social media life, so you can see how they are being treated and the type of content that students are posting.

“Then you can see the influences on your child. Help them sort through it. Role model positive ways to interact with others online,” he said.

Harlow said he’s seeing signs that the stress in the education system caused by the pandemic is easing.

Schools are still hurting for staff and resources, but he said they are moving in the right direction.

“They are increasingly able to address students’ needs more effectively,” he said.

Your concerns and that of your child won’t be solved by just one interaction, Harlow said. Be prepared to talk about whatever might be bothering them in an ongoing way as the school year progresses.

A parent might say: I’ve been thinking more about this. What did you think of the conversation that we had earlier? That helps parents and kids keep an open channel of communication, he said.

“This is not a one-and-done conversation,” Harlow said. “It’s something that kids benefit from talking about regularly.” marjie.ducey@owh.com, 402-444-1034, twitter.com/mduceyowh