Confessions
WITH MEN
‘
‘I am infested
Plethora of Men Syndrome THE (Or PMS) NUMBERS Downtown Zurich building has opened up to The John Galt Post in a bid to raise awareness of a condition it has suffered for as long as it can remember, known as ‘Plethora of Men Syndrome’ or PMS.
“Even if I can get a hold of the ‘Diversity Cure’ it could take years or even decades to work” Symptoms can include an excess of straight, white, privileged males, small or large bouts of misogyny and lower levels of productivity and economic performance.
The only known cure is an injection of diversity into the workplace, but as Zurich explains this is hard to come by. “Once you’ve got this Syndrome it’s very hard to get rid of, it becomes systemic, and ingrained into your very being. People don’t want to talk about it, and it’s very embarrassing, but they don’t want to do anything about it, it’s like having an STI, maybe worse.” Zurich thinks the solution is better design as well as better publicity. “Women have come a long way, they’re excelling in school, in university, but the business world is still infested with men, we need to create an environment that responds to the needs of women, without resorting to stereotypes.” Zurich says most of the buildings in the CBD suffer from the same ailment, but are in denial. “They don’t want to talk about it with me, they’re so used to it now they prefer to think it doesn’t exist, it’s a shame really, they don’t realise how much diversity can have a positive effect on the economy.”
Zurich says the injection of diversity into a workplace can be good for the economy, in some cases even improving the GDP of the entire country.
15%
Percentage by which the presence of a female director on a company’s board reduces the cost of a successful acquisition.
16%
Average return on equity for a company whose board includes one or more women; companies with no woman on the board have an average of 12%.
17%
Percentage of Fortune 500 board-ofdirector seats held by women. Only 23 women are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies.
18%
Approximate percentage of female executive officers and managers in the securities, investment-banking and commodities industry.
fter a series of revelations following his election in 2013, Len Brown faced serious criticism for his professional and personal conduct while in office. In a shock move he has decided to run for mayor again in 2016, this time centering his campaign on Aucklands ethnic minority groups, in particular the Chinese. Len says he has discovered personally the potential of Chinese immigrants in Auckland and wants to make it clear that the city is very supportive of these groups. Len aims to use the CBD upgrade as a means of convincing the people to vote for him, despite mounting debt and
“I’m still aiming for Auckland to become ‘The World’s Most Live-able City.’ I want everyone to have their two minutes in Bevan- heaven, I meant to say heaven.” rising rates and house prices. “Hopefully the people can see that I’ve done my best, I always put a LOT of effort into everything I do.” Len also wanted to reassure voters that the council offices have been thoroughly cleaned and that he went over them himself, “just for good measure.”
ROOTING ‘
I just want everyone to know that I am rooting for Auckland 100% - wait can I reword that?
‘
A
FOR AUCKLAND LOW ON STOCK As Len plans to accommodate more Chinese immigrants, Auckland is running out of houses for them to buy. As the largest proportion of immigrant housing owners in New Zealand, competition is fierce. Len says the solution is to bring them into the city. “There’s no reason we couldn’t use a big empty site like QE2 downtown and turn it into a housing complex for ethnic minorities. We could have token lantern events and everything. People love the Lantern Festival, I even saw John Key there last year, I waved to him but I don’t think he saw me.”
John says Pali NO! J
ohn Palino has struck back at Len’s latest plans saying “he’s just trying to buy people’s votes with trains and planes and cars and well, I’m just not that impressed.” Palino maintains that he could’ve done a much better job, and that if he was having an affair no one would find out. He says he is still in contact with Louigi Wewege and that they are considering starting a political party. “We couldn’t take Len Brown down so now we want to go bigger, and have you see Louigi’s CV?! He’s perfect for parliament.”
‘He’s obviously very good at keeping the Asian communities satisfied but it just won’t cut it.’
WHAT’S AFOOT WITH GERRY?
Scientists discover that Transport Minister Gerry Brownlee has ridiculously heavy feet, explaining why he’s been dragging them so much over plans for the City Rail Link
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n what is apparently a relatively common affliction for neoliberals, scientists have confirmed that Transport Minister Gerry Brownlee has excessively heavy feet, which he explains as the reason he has been dragging them so much over issues of public transport, in particular, the City Rail Link. Brownlee has chosen to speak openly about this, saying that he
“What I lack in brains I make up for in feet.” Gerry has a positive outlook on his unfortunate affliction
“doesn’t want to hide it anymore” and that he “only wants New Zealanders to understand.” While he says that he doesn’t want to be treated differently as a result of his deformity, he does want left-wing voters to consider it when they discuss his political inadequacies. “It’s not that I don’t want the City Rail Link, I do, it just takes me a long time to walk places to sign the forms.”
“They’re heavy even in proportion to his already rotund figure, which is saying something”
-Chief scientist Dr Yeti
Nothing Wong With That! In support of Len Brown’s immigration campaign Judith says “Bring on the Chinese! And make sure you include a restaurant!” Judith Collins has surprised Aucklanders in her support for Len Brown’s campaign stance, saying that an influx of Chinese residents in the city would be good for New Zealand business. “It will make it a lot easier for me if I don’t have to fly to China all the time, and if there’s a big Chinese restaurant downtown I can sort all my business deals out there.” Collins is also interested in tapping into the elusive ‘Queen Street Farmers’ groups in order to establish a dairy farm in the city. Fonterra have yet to confirm their involvement.
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This Week’s:
Village Idiot
Colin Sues QE2 Square for Defamation Colin Craig is this week suing QE2 square after a photo of him taken there made him look sexist and homophobic. His lawyers were quoted as saying “this latest defamation suit will pay for my boat.”
“It made me look bad. I think it was the lighting. When God said ‘let there be light’ this is not what he meant.”
-Colin Craig
1 X BUDDHIST MEDITATION FESTIVAL
(REMOVED BY ED.)
1 X OCCUPY AUCKLAND PROTE-
1 X MATARIKI FESTIVAL
1 X KOREAN MARKET
(NO PROTEST COVERAGE)
1 X WAITANGI DAY
1 X PASIFIKA FESTIVAL
1 X DIWALI FESTIVAL
1 X CHINESE LANTERN FESTIVAL
Is your city lacking culture? Are you white, middle-upper class and bored? Want to eliminate your sense of colonial guilt?
TOKEN EVENTS
FREE
Get a taste of some cultural appropriation today
WHEN NIMBYS INVADE ELDERLY MOVE IN TO CAMP OUT
PLUSMajority of Aucklanders think city’s problems can be solved with Duct Tape and No.8 wire
Major Kim to Ground Control! Kim Dotcom runs for Mayor and purchases downtown Auckland site to build headquarters
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nternet mogul and German gazillionaire Kim Dotcom has purchased QE2 Square, Zurich House, HSBC and the Downtown Shopping Mall from Precinct Properties in order to convert the site into his new headquarters. Following a government spying saga and the passing of the GCSB Bill late last year, Dotcom intends on setting up base downtown in order to house his minions and protect crucial information. The building will be
“It will have very wide corridors, for my girth” Dotcom on his new downtown complex
US GOVT. VISITS DOWNTOWN SHOPPING MALL, SAYS DOTCOM
“CAN JUST STAY THERE”
designed to be impenetrable physically and digitally and will shut down in the event of a revolution or under any attack from unwarranted guests. Dotcom says the building will likely house other “victims” of the US and New Zealand Governments including WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Members of Dotcom’s ‘Internet Party’ will also be welcome to stay at any time. “It’s not buying votes if it doesn’t cost me anything!”
Now you G(SEE)SB me, now you don’t! Dotcom is unintentionally engaging with discussion surrounding ‘The Architecture of Surveillance’ in his attempt at modern privacy. “We’re more concerned about privacy from our neighbours these days than we are about privacy from the state. A nice big fence isn’t going to keep the Feds out.”
“We were stuck in there for a long time, it felt like days. It’s worse than a lot of the prisons we have back home.”
Safety in Surveillance: Do we feel more safe if we’re being watched?
Spotlight
Scho
Bringing school in act like a business
A stacking of programme can help to bring the University into the city, orienting its campus vertically rather than spreading it horizontally.
ooled!
nto the city: If the University wants to s, it should be treated like a business.
T
he University of Auckland joins the battle for the key downtown site at QE2 square, wanting to put it’s first campus there in the hope that it can integrate more student life into the CBD. Having always been on the fringe of the central city it makes sense for the University to capitalise on the availability of the site and its crucial location in terms of public transport and accessibility. Amid accusations of excessive profit and business-before-education protocol, it is a risky move for the University who will need to make a strong case for its application and to justify the expenditure. A key principle of the move is the idea of a ‘vertical school,’ effectively taking the typical plan of an education complex and treating it as a section. The design would be driven by a stacking of programme in relationship to masterplanning of the site. There is scope for student accommodation, public spaces, retail and commercial and crosspollinisation of surrounding businesses.
Beer + Mi Goreng shop forecast for success A man looking to capitalise on the addition of students to the central city has been praised for his business plan to set up a shop selling only Mi Goreng and Beer. “It is this kind of kiwi ingenuity that puts New Zealand on the map,” says a lead economist, “I have no doubt this store will be hugely popular amongst young people and poor students, it has everything they need.”
Spotlight
NIMBY INVASION DISGRUNTLED ELDERLY SQUAT IN CITY SQUARE, COUNCIL MAY BE FORCED TO HOUSE THEM THERE
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group of NIMBY-ers (Not-In-MyBack-Yard-ers) have moved into QE2 square in downtown Auckland to make a point to critics of their civic involvement. After criticism over the fact that the city wasn’t actually in their back yard, and hence their entire mantra was irrelevant, a large group of elderly people decided they would make the city their backyard in protest. Particularly ironic given their opposition to the Occupy Auckland movement, this protest has seen three hour long hunger strikes (ended only by the arrival of boiled carrots and corned beef) and much uninformed chanting about council proposed changes to the city.
“We were being criticised because QE2 square is not actually our back yard so we made it our back yard! We deserve a say on council proposals we probably won’t live to see happen!” -Grumpy Old Man
Their presence is becoming a concern for Council members who say that when they start getting cold and ill it will look bad for tourism. “We might just actually have to house them there, we’ve been meaning to get some social housing in the city, it could be an excellent way to experiment.” One protester was not having a bar of it. “I used to sleep on the porch and then walk three miles through snow to get to school, I can stand a little Auckland winter!” Despite initial nods of agreement, protesters appeared less staunch when offered a cup of tea and an ANZAC biscuit. The Council is considering using this as a permanent method of negotiation.
Albert’s Back Problems With a growing Auckland population, Albert Street, the public transport spine of the city is beginning to suffer debilitating back problems, only escalated by a recent visit from Gerry Brownlee and his extremely heavy feet. The problem will only continue to get worse unless Albert can undergo a costly and time consuming surgical procedure known as “cut and cover.” While this surgery should be covered under ACC, like many similar injuries the Government have said to “wait six years and if the problem doesn’t fix itself, then we’ll pay for it.” While the council have offered to partially fund the surgery, it will only provide a quick fix, and not one that will help Albert in the long term.
Albert needs to undergo a costly corrective surgery known as ‘Cut and Cover
IS YOUR MAIN STREET SAGGY AT THE EDGES?
Poll
What is needed to make Auckland ‘The World’s Most Live-able City?’
Duct Tape and No.8 Wire
53%
Better Public Transport and 18% more shared space
More affordable housing
9%
A world-class waterfront
9%
More cultural events
11%
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QUAY TO THE CITY Quay Street falls into the sea and yields surprising results
OVERWORKED AND UNDERPAID The trials and tribulations of being a mixed-use building
AUCKLAND
2114
SHOCK PREDICTIONS
IFS AND BOAT
ATS ABOUT IT C
limate analysts have this week released studies that claim Climate Change is happening at a more accelerated pace than first anticipated. Chief scientist on the study, Dr Hisee says Aucklands reclaimed land is particularly vulnerable, and that with sea level rises downtown would be likely to flood at high tide. “Think Venice canals but dirtier, not as pretty, or as functional, come to think of it, it wouldn’t really be like Venice at all.” Dr Hisee went on to explain that we need to consider this change in city scape when it comes to downtown development. In the case of Precinct
“The city needs to respond now, we need to future-proof our buildings, QE2 square is already like an island, it’s isolating, is this a nod to the future?” -Chief Scientist Dr Hisee
In a city of the future QE2 square acts as an island, accessed by boat
Properties QE2 square, the Doctor says we have a unique opportunity to set a precedent for Auckland and for other waterfront cities. “The building could be designed to accommodate future sea level rises, maybe there are terraced steps up to it, maybe a boat ramp for potential high tide access.”
DIDN’T SEA IT COMING Quay Street falls into the sea and residents claim the rubble as their own
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n a shocking turn of events Quay street on Auckland’s waterfront has fallen into the sea prompting residents to go against council warnings and use the ruins as a kind of urban beach. Despite knowing that Quay Street was resting on tentative foundations, the Council, just last week, allowed a group of neo-liberals with the ‘heavy feet’ affliction to visit Quay Street and walk along it’s edge. One Council member says that was the final straw. “I know the government says there wasn’t a direct link between this visit and the street collapsing but it’s pretty obvious that it had a big impact.” Despite the positive response from the people
“They should leave it like this, it works, the ports of Auckland have to accommodate the ferries and they’re bustling for the first time.” of Auckland, a Maori spokesperson says this “just reeks of a Taniwha. You can see people sunbathing and diving into the water, but the place is dangerous, physically and spiritually, they should stay away.” The spokesperson went onto explain that Auckland should consider giving back the land they’ve reclaimed and reconvert Queen Street into the stream it once was. “Everything happens for a reason.”
PAVED PARADISE
OXYGE
E TO PUT UP AN
EN FACTORY? Auckland’s beloved central city eco park is demolished in favour of a much needed oxygen production plant.
T
he much loved eco sanctuary and village in Auckland’s downtown has been demolished in preparation for the construction of an oxygen factory desperately needed for air quality control in the central city. Formerly known as QE2 square, the site was converted into a park in the year 2020 and had been popular amongst locals and visitors alike. Council spokesperson on the case says that the decision to remove the park is all about priorities. “Trees just aren’t efficient enough at producing
“They just took all the trees and put them in a tree museum, it was whack man, they charged me $1.50 just to see them.”
oxygen, it’s a competitive market and they’re not performing.” The trees that were on the site have been moved to a storage warehouse in South Auckland and people are welcome to visit the trees if they’re willing to pay a small fee. The Council has been criticised for this decision to charge residents, with visitors disgruntled over paying for something they used to get for free. The Council responded by installing a sign saying: “Oxygen plants don’t pay -Local hippie for themselves.” spokesperson
“It’s like ten thousands spoons when all you need is a knife, except that this is actually ironic.”
EXHAUSTED BUILDINGS FORCED TO WORK 24 HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK
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hile Aucklanders revel in the city’s revitalised night life, influx of cafés and eateries and additional shared and public spaces, buildings now falling under the guise of being “mixeduse” are complaining that they’re forced to work constantly without break all year round. We spoke to Britomart Central’s Australis House, who now features a restaurant, a bar and night club, residential apartments, commercial space and some retail. “I don’t think
“I used to at least get Tuesday nights off, now I’m lucky if I get an hour a week” -Australis Building
people fully realise what it does to us, it just never stops, always people coming and going. The other night someone threw up on my side wall, who’s going to clean that up?” Neighbouring building and fellow mixed-use victim said that the only consolation was that so far people do seem grateful. “It will only become a problem for me when people get complacent, I know that this is common for white people so hopefully they won’t feel too entitled.”