Detaching from Codependency
John D. McKellar, PhD Bay Area Pain and Wellness Center Private Practice SF Bay Area
What is Codependency
Depends on whom you are talking to Traditional definitions Alternate but related terms Research of potential relevance to Codependence
Traditional Definition 1. Being a partner in dependency (from the 12-step tradition) 2. Being a caretaker 3. Being in a relationship which limits expression of feelings or direct honest communication 4. Being a person who engaging in controlling behaviors to “save� the other individual 5. Possessing low self-worth
Alternate View #1 Dependent Personality Type1. Being unable to make decisions without excessive input 2. Extreme difficulty initiating projects due to feelings of inadequacy 3. Agrees with people due to fear of rejection 4. Feels helpless/devastated at end of relationships 5. Preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of him or herself
Alternative View #2 Sociotropy 1. Developed as hypothesized risk factor for depression 2. Three factors 1.
Concern about Disapproval
2. Concern about Separation
3. Focus on Pleasing Others
Related Causes/Consequences 1. Failing to achieve strong attachment with at least one parent- a situation where one doubts the availability or responsiveness of parent(s) 2. A personality style that involves both shyness and a desire to please and meet the needs of others 3. The above factors can lead to choosing individuals who may in some way need to be “fixed” or helped 4. Growing up in a family with addiction provides opportunity to learn to “help” others 5. Fixing” others way be a great way to avoid our “stuff”
Process of Change 1. This process will require some courage 2. This will require a bit of “doing the opposite” 3. Warning!!!! Some distress may be involved….. 4. Change needs to occur within the context of who you are and with respect to your personality styles
Start Building your Life 1. Start by paying some attention to oneself and take stock of changes… some housecleaning may be required 2. Get whatever help YOU need 3. Learn about some of the things that make YOU happy 4. You don’t need to change your love of helping others but it’s got to start with you or chaos ensues…
Turn Inward and Learn 1. Get to know yourself better by finding a way to get in touch– try meditation or journaling as a starting point 2. Increased awareness of one’s emotions leads to greater empathy- more accurate empathy 3. Learning to engage our own emotions creates better boundaries between us and others
Acceptance, Acceptance, Acceptance 1.
Like everything else, acceptance start in the home– with oneself
2.
Greater acceptance of who we are leads to greater acceptance of others
3.
This leads to better and stronger relationships
4.
Better quality of relationships lessens to drive to “fix” others
Summing It Up 1.
Codependence may be something we learn in addictive relationships, a personality style, or both
2.
Change does not mean abandoning who you are, or giving up on relationships, it means doing some “home improvement� on the self
3.
The goal is to balance the desire to help others with the NECESSITY to take care of yourself
4.
Balance of self can lead to balance in relationships