Exiting the “Shame” Game
John D. McKellar, PhD Bay Area Pain and Wellness Center Private Practice SF Bay Area
Why are we talking about this..?
Shame is an issue that operates as a “unseen� hand Shame is universal but thrives most abundantly in places where feelings and self-expression are prohibited Shame does not like the light of day Overcoming shame can lead to powerful changes in how we see ourselves
What is Shame?
1. Shame is the dirty secret we hold to ourselves 2. That whose name cannot be spoken 3. Shame can stem from something we have done (or failed to do) but can also be due to some aspect of our history or a collective history (e.g., family secrets)
Recognizing Shame
1. Think about the last time you felt like crawling into a hole and disappearing 2. What was the circumstance and what were your feelings, sensations associated with it 3. Being able to recognize the feelings of shame is important to know how to manage it better
Stepping Out of Shame
1. Find courage and reach out to someone and “expose� the shame 2. Own your story and share it with someone who has earned the right to hear it 3. If we bury the shame it only grows stronger
Beware…. Choose wisely and don’t share with someone… 1. Who will experience the shame of your story so strongly that you need to help them 2. Some one who feels sorry for you (sympathy) but can’t understand what you are describing (lacks empathy) 3. The friend who will be disappointed or embarrassed by what you tell them (you have let him/her down) 4. The friend who will then launch into their own story to one-up you…”You think that’s bad what till you hear what happened to me…”
The Process Overcoming Shame Involves‌. 1. Building Courage 2. Building Compassion 3. Building Connection
Build Courage
1. The first step is being able to “out� the shame 2. Being able to admit to the normal weaknesses of being human 3. Being able to risk disappointment by allowing some hope
Build Compassion 1. Being able to suffer with others (and with our self) 2. Being able to create boundaries with others- being able to hear about their pain without needing to fix it 3. This is essentially about accepting our self to that we can accept others so that we can then accept our self‌.
Build Connection 1.
Connection is about being heard by others, valued for who you are, and about doing the same for others
2.
Connection is not simply having someone who agrees with everything you say- it is about being thoroughly accepted as a work in progress
3.
Our need to have connections is wired into us
4.
Connections such as this lead to greater sense of ease
Growth 1.
Courage, compassion, and connection
2.
These qualities feed on each other
3.
We take risks, grow closer to other, creating more compassion, leading to greater ability to confront shameful events