Shame. The feeling of shame, according to Karen Duncan, a licensed MFT, experienced after child sexual trauma is deeply connected to the belief that there is something wrong with us. Not just something with our bodies, but with who we are. The shameful feelings survivors feel about themselves build and fester because of the secrecy, feeling of powerlessness, and lack of understanding of how our bodies respond to the abuse. The only way we can make sense of the abuse is by thinking that there must be something so shameful about us, that we are bad, not worthwhile or good enough. Shame builds within the survivor when he/she believes that knowing about the abuse will repulse everyone and eventually the victim spends must of the time disconnected from themselves, feeling the constant burden of shame that often gets numbed. What is at the core of self-destructive behavior is shame, the deep belief that we are bad and worthless and not lovable. In her book, The Gift of Imperfection, Bréne Brown, a shame researcher, explains the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt makes us feel that we have done something bad, shame makes us feel that we are bad. Bréne writes that everyone has shame. It is a part of what it is to be human. But is important that we understand how toxic shame can be. According to Bréne Brown, shame corrodes the piece of us that believes we are capable of change. Understanding shame and the power it holds over victims of child sexual trauma can help when making the choice to break the silence. To take the important step towards healing, one must accept what happened and share with a trusted friend, a counselor, or in a support group, and slowly over time this will help to let go of the shame. A helpful note when you step into acknowledging the reality of sex abuse in your life and the shame threatens to stall you: • Shame is an emotion. Shame is not an aspect of identity. You felt shame when abused. You feel shame when you think or speak about it. But you are not shame. • When you give yourself permission to move into acknowledgement and feel the shame rise, as an emotion, you can move through it, thus disconnecting the emotion from a sense of who you are. • All emotions, including shame, have a natural flow. When you courageously allow the emotion to complete its natural course in the moment, you have processed it and learned from it. As I begin this journey I will have to challenge the shame that keeps me ________________________________________________________________________________________________. I typically use this belief of shame to guide me in my interactions with________________
__________________________________________because without shame I may have to begin to believe _________________________________about myself and that is uncomfortable because ________________________________________________________________________________________________. I choose to ______________________________________________________________________ in order to break the cycle of shame.