SPONSORSHIP IN NAR-ANON:
QUESTIONS ABOUT FINDING & BECOMING A SPONSOR
MISSION STATEMENT The Nar-Anon Family Groups are a worldwide fellowship for those affected by someone else’s addiction. As a twelve step program, we offer our help by sharing our experience, strength, and hope.
Nar-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 22527 Crenshaw Blvd. Suite 200B; Torrance, CA 90505 www.nar-anon.org Pending Conference Approval © 2009 P-102 09-11-24
SPONSORSHIP IN NAR-ANON: QUESTIONS ABOUT FINDING & BECOMING A SPONSOR TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Questions About FINDING A SPONSOR 1 What Is A Sponsor? 1 Why Would I Want A Sponsor? 1 When Do I Choose A Sponsor? 1 How Do I Decide Whom To Ask? 1 What If The Person I Ask Says No? 2 What Do I Do For Support While I am Trying To Decide Whom To Ask? 2 What Do I Do If It Doesn't Work Out? 2 But Won't I Be A Burden To A Sponsor? 2 What Are My Responsibilities As A Sponsor? 3 Questions About BECOMING A SPONSOR Becoming a Sponsor The Lessons 1. We are as powerless over sponsees as we are over the addicts in our lives. 2. Beware of the sponsor pedestal. Exception for eminent physical danger. 3. Each sponsee is unique. 4. No one is always the right person to sponsor every member in the program. 5. Keep coming back! 6. Not every sponsee continues to work the program. 7. It helps to share ideas with other sponsors about how to effectively sponsor. 8. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of sponsorship Suggestions from Sponsor to Sponsee If you don’t know what to do, don't do anything yet. Attend meetings. Read. i
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Practice listening. Place principles above personalities Utilize the power of choice. Write. Few decisions we make are written in stone.
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A CLEAR BEGINNING: Before Agreeing to be a Sponsor
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Sponsorship Thoughts
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Nar-Anon Members Share about Sponsorship
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Thoughts on Being a Sponsor
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The Benefits of Having a Sponsor
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Thoughts on Finding a Sponsor and Being a Sponsor
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Other Conference Approved Literature that may prove helpful
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Questions About FINDING A SPONSOR WHAT IS A SPONSOR? A sponsor is a member of Nar-Anon with whom you can share intimate thoughts and feelings about how you have been affected by a loved one's drug addiction. A sponsor will guide you through the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions so that you can apply them to your daily life. A sponsor can guide you by making suggestions and by sharing their experiences. You do not have an obligation to follow a sponsor's suggestions, but there is an old saying, "If you want what I have, do what I do." WHY WOULD I WANT A SPONSOR? It is very helpful to have one member of Nar-Anon who knows the details of your personal story. With a sponsor, you do not need to explain your situation from the beginning each time you talk. When someone agrees to be a sponsor, that person is making a commitment to spend time listening and talking with you outside of regular meetings. WHEN DO I CHOOSE A SPONSOR? We suggest getting a sponsor as soon as possible. In addition to your home group, you may want to try other Nar-Anon meetings in your area to see if someone there is a good fit for you. HOW DO I DECIDE WHOM TO ASK? Here are some guidelines. A sponsor may be someone who: â—? has a sponsor; â—? works the Twelve Steps of Nar-Anon; -1-
● attends Nar-Anon meetings regularly and shares experience, strength, and hope; ● is active in service; ● shares a similar situation (examples: parent, sibling, husband, wife, etc. of an addicted person); ● is of the same gender; and ● you feel comfortable sharing with. WHAT IF THE PERSON I ASK SAYS NO? Although this rarely happens, do not take it personally if a member is unable to sponsor you. It may be that your schedules are incompatible or that they feel they are sponsoring as many members as they can. If this should happen to you, please do not hesitate to ask another member to be your sponsor. WHAT DO I DO FOR SUPPORT WHILE I AM TRYING TO DECIDE WHOM TO ASK? Ask a member to sponsor you for an agreed upon specific time period until you find a sponsor. A temporary sponsor can give immediate support, encouragement and guidance while a sponsee continues to seek a long-term sponsor. WHAT DO I DO IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT? The sponsor/sponsee relationship does not have to be a permanent one. People and situations change. Sometimes a member may find it necessary to change sponsors. For example, a sponsor may stop coming to meetings regularly, or may become unavailable to spend time working with you. Remember, a sponsor will support whatever decision you feel is best for you! BUT WON'T I BE A BURDEN TO A SPONSOR? No! Please do not hesitate to ask someone to be your sponsor. Members share that their experience as sponsors helps them to grow in their own recovery in -2-
countless ways. Your relationship with your sponsor may not be like any friendship or relationship you have known before. It is, however, a relationship of trust and confidence unlike any other. WHAT ARE MY RESPONSIBILITIES AS A SPONSEE?
In order for sponsorship to work, the sponsee needs to be willing to attend meetings regularly and to keep appointments with their sponsor. To receive the greatest benefits of sponsorship, both parties will need to work out an agreeable schedule to meet with each other, whether by telephone or in person. To work the steps, the sponsee must be willing to accept suggestions from their sponsor.
REMEMBER: A sponsor does not give specific advice about how to live your life. A sponsor helps by making suggestions and by sharing their experience, strength, and hope.
Questions about BECOMING A SPONSOR Becoming a Sponsor One of the most rewarding aspects of Nar-Anon Twelfth Step work is the experience of being a sponsor. Many of us hesitated when we were first asked to be a sponsor because of our fear that we might not do it right. Fortunately, we learned that we could ask our Higher Power for the courage to take action in spite of our fear. We came to realize that it is not the job of a sponsor to be perfect. We can only do our best and accept that all outcomes are in the hands of our Higher Power. Becoming a sponsor is a great way to deepen our understanding of the Twelve Steps. Sponsorship offers a personal one-on-one relationship in working the steps. -3-
Your anonymity will be respected, for it is only with anonymity that we gain mutual trust.
The Lessons The following are a few of the lessons that we have learned as we tried, for better or worse, to be Nar-Anon sponsors: 1. We are as powerless over sponsees as we are over the addicts in our lives. We can offer suggestions based on our experience, strength and hope, but we have no power over whether or not a sponsee acts on them. Remember, we all make progress in our own time and in our own way. 2. Beware of the Sponsor Pedestal. A sponsor/sponsee relationship is not one of master and student. As sponsors, we learn as much from our sponsees as they do from us. A sponsor is like a trail guide in a park. We point out those things which we have found worth noting and guide our sponsees to one of many tried and true paths. Remember, we help by sharing how we solved our own similar problems, not by telling sponsees what to do. Many sponsors feel that one exception to this form of guidance is when sponsees and/or their children may be in eminent physical danger. It may be wise for a sponsor to suggest a specific short term course of action that will place the sponsee and their dependents out of harm’s way just for today. 3. Each sponsee is unique. Just when we may think that we have gotten the hang of this sponsor thing, another sponsee may come along with a totally different personality. Think of it as a new learning experience sent directly to you from your Higher Power.
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4. No one is always the right person to sponsor every member in the program. Applying the Twelfth Tradition and placing principles above personalities gives us the opportunity to sponsor members we might not otherwise gravitate towards. But some sponsees have needs that do not match up with the kind of support we can offer. We trust that when this happens, we will have the courage to gently guide the member to find a more appropriate person for support. 5. Keep coming back! If we do not continue to go to meetings, talk with our sponsors and work the steps and traditions ourselves, we will be of no help to anyone else's recovery. Thinking we know it all and that we do not need a meeting is only fooling ourselves. 6. Not every sponsee continues to work the program. Whether or not the sponsee continues to work the steps, sponsors gain assistance with their own recovery from sponsorship. 7. It helps to share ideas with other sponsors about how to effectively sponsor. We learned so much as we began sharing our ideas with others. Many found it helpful to have sponsorship workshops. One such workshop resulted in the writing of this pamphlet. 8. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of sponsorship. The relationship between a sponsor and a sponsee is based on trust. It is important to remember that what goes on between a sponsor and sponsee is personal and private, and we must take great care not to mention specific details or names in order to protect and maintain anonymity.
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SUGGESTIONS FROM SPONSOR TO SPONSEE The following is a list of suggestions, not a finite prescription for recovery. Consider those that appear to work best in your circumstances and put the rest aside: If you do not know what to do, do not do anything yet. If you are struggling with a decision, chances are that you are not ready to make it. When the time is right, the decision will be made calmly. Until you are clear about something, you can exercise the power of choice and make the decision to take a particular course of action or inaction just for today. During this time, pause for clarity and continue to use the program tools to make healthier decisions in general. Attend Meetings. Attend as many meetings as possible, but no less than one a week. Read. Read approved Nar-Anon literature at least once a day. Discuss the ideas and concepts found in the literature together. Practice listening. True listening requires focus and concentration. It is by listening and focusing on the topics in meetings that many members gain increased mental discipline. Place principles above personalities. In other words, “Don’t ignore the message because you don't like the messenger.” Remaining open to others is a way of remaining open to messages and answers from your Higher Power. Utilize the power of choice. We each have the power of choice. When many of us began coming to Nar-Anon, we thought we were doing certain things because we had to. A sponsor can help a sponsee consider a variety of
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possibilities for dealing with a situation so that a conscious choice can be made. Although it may be tempting to endorse a particular course of action, we must always remember that it is not our choice to make. Write. Many members have shared that they gained a much greater level of understanding when they began keeping a journal of their thoughts on recovery. Writing can allow us to release painful feelings and thoughts in a safe and healthy way. It also allows us the opportunity to sort out our thoughts and gain an understanding before we try to communicate with another person. Few decisions we make are written in stone. If we make a decision today, it is usually just for today. There are very few decisions that are as permanent as we believe them to be. We have the prerogative to change our minds. If a decision we make is no longer right for us, we can stop and make a new decision. A Clear Beginning: Before Agreeing to Become a Sponsor Many members have discovered that it is beneficial to ask questions of the person who is requesting sponsorship before agreeing to be their sponsor. It helps to understand the level of commitment the member has made in the program, to set boundaries, and to clearly communicate from the start what your boundaries are. A sponsor may suggest that they begin their relationship on a trial basis, and that they examine their relationship after a three month period. Some of the questions you may choose to ask a potential sponsee include: â—? Have you read the booklet Questions about Sponsorship? -7-
● How often do you go to meetings? ● Have you made any commitments to your group, such as setting up chairs, making coffee, or chairing a meeting. ● What time of the day is best for you to talk on the phone? ● How frequently would you like to have phone contact with your sponsor: Daily? Every other day? Weekly? ● How often are you available to talk outside of meetings? ● Are you willing to meet in person to work on the Twelve Steps? ● How often do you call other members of the program? ● Do you have a list of names and phone numbers of other members to call in the event that a sponsor is unavailable?
Sponsorship Thoughts Many of us come to Nar-Anon feeling alone, frustrated and confused. In meetings, we are welcomed with care and understanding. After a while, by attending meetings and reading the literature, our attitudes begin to change. Looking back, we compare how we were yesterday with how we are today and we can see how our quality of life has improved. Our changing is a result of sharing with other human beings who have the same problems we do. Through the slogans, steps and traditions, we are improving ourselves and learning a new way of facing life with strength and hope. Sponsorship is not just giving, it is also receiving. Our sharing helps both the sponsor and the sponsee. The sponsor is a listener who helps us under-8-
stand that we have the ability to release resentment, anxiety and the feeling that everything and everyone is against us. This begins the process of releasing the pain. With affection and patience, a sponsor helps us to learn a more constructive way of thinking by changing our attitude. We learn we can trust another person and feel we are being heard with love and understanding. Putting our thoughts into words helps us to grow and move forward. The sponsor helps us to change our image of the addict so we can look at him/her with compassion and understanding rather than fear or anxiety. The sponsor can emphasize the importance of gratitude to see the positive side of our situation. The sponsor does not give advice. Sometimes the solution is clear to the sponsor, and with care he/she can show us the way he/she would face a similar problem. This way, we make a decision that is best for us, through the loving guidance of a sponsor. The sponsor often becomes a great friend who calls to ask how things are going and helps us find a new perspective to our problems that appear to have no solution. By sharing his/her experiences and serenity, the sponsor helps us to trust in ourselves. This gives us a chance to find our own answers and our own path. The sponsor is someone we choose to share with and who helps us work the Nar-Anon program. The sponsor shares his/her experience, strength, and hope. We can take what we like and leave the rest. A sponsor is not a spokesperson for Nar-Anon, but another member who has traveled the same road that we are on.
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Nar-Anon Members Share about Sponsorship: Before I got a sponsor, I felt I was doing a fairly decent job of working a program by myself. The truth is, I did not call anyone and I did not share openly at meetings. I kept everything locked up inside of me, yet I thought I was doing well. When I made the decision to get a sponsor, it took me a while to find one. When I did, it was like finding a long-lost friend or a sister. My sponsor is a person with whom I can share everything without reserve. She is the one who is teaching me to open up with others and to hear the things I am afraid to face about myself. I am beginning to realize that I am not the first person to have dealt with the disease of addiction. My sponsor pulls no punches with me while sharing her experience, strength, and hope. There are times when her stories are humorous because of how ridiculous they are, yet they are similar to mine. It is wonderful to be able to laugh again after thinking that could never happen. My sponsor shares with me in basic terms, which sometimes seem so obvious after we talk that I wonder why I had not thought of her suggestions myself. That is why this program is a "we" program and not an "I" program. Sponsorship has also given me a new family, others that I can turn to. Reaching out is still very hard for me, but I know that it is another tool I need to learn to use that will only help me in my journey of recovery. Having a sponsor has helped me in my recovery and has also been one of the best parts of our program. I hope that when the time comes that I am asked to be a sponsor, I can give back the tools and wisdom that were given to me by my sponsor, and with as much love as she has given to me.
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Thoughts on Being a Sponsor Being a sponsor is about being part of an extended family. I love the family ties that are created as the sponsor chain grows and grows. My Nar-Anon family tree begins with my sponsor and my grand-sponsor. They represent the roots from which my new life began. Together, their combined experience, strength and hope have added much wisdom to my journey. My Nar-Anon family tree also includes my sponsor sisters and brothers — we all share the same sponsor although we are all at various stages of growth, and we learn from each other. The newest additions to my Nar-Anon family tree are special people who represent the next generation of Nar-Anon. They have added such life to my family tree – my sponsees! Today I trust my Higher Power to bring people into my life who can help me grow in different ways. While guiding my sponsees, I have learned so many new truths about myself. I have learned the subtle difference between pity and sympathy. I have learned profound lessons about trust, intimacy, responsibility, and most importantly, unconditional love. Being a sponsor has allowed me to see similar life issues from different perspectives. To be able to see solutions through another’s eyes is enlightening. It has helped me to grow out of the egocentric world in which I lived before Nar-Anon. I now recognize that I can no longer live in isolation. I have come to see how living in a community of others like me has enriched my ability to have compassion and love for others. The love just overflows! I cannot possibly hold it all in my heart. My Higher Power wants me to share it with others. When I offer unconditional love, I have found it comes back to me from those I sponsor a hundred times over.
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When I see my sponsees growing, my spirit soars! When they experience their own ‘eureka’ moments, I also feel their growth. Their victories fill me with gratitude and renew my own hope. Their recovery helps me to see more clearly my own strides in the program, much like looking in a mirror. Being a sponsor has taught me to dance and laugh and break out of the rigid shell that confined me before NarAnon. I have wonderful, true friendships today and enjoy so many more spontaneous moments when my sponsees share their recovery with me. I anticipate a day soon to come when these new ‘buds’ on the Nar-Anon tree will blossom and become sponsors. The Nar-Anon family tree will grow again and I will then be a grand-sponsor to their sponsees. It is beyond comprehension how many lives are touched through the singular act of becoming a sponsor. Like a pebble dropped into water, the ripples extend forever.
The Benefits of Having a Sponsor My sponsor is not only someone who leads me through the steps, but she is also my friend. Sometimes she is my spiritual guide, sometimes she is my sister in recovery, and sometimes she is the one who tells me the truth when I least want to hear it. She knows me better than I know myself. She can take one look at my face and know immediately when I am struggling. She is able to say the hard things that I do not want to hear but I know I need to. She loves me so much that she will not let me hide for too long in my fantasy world pretending everything is great when it is not. She brings me back to reality and helps me turn toward my Higher Power for guidance. I call her when I am having a rough time with something and I call her when I am having the greatest day of my life. She has taught me how to care for others in a healthy way and how - 12 -
to trust again. She is someone with whom I am very comfortable. I can tell her my deepest, darkest secrets without being judged. She guides me through my selfdiscoveries which leads me to new truths. Having a sponsor is the greatest thing I have done for myself since coming into the rooms of Nar-Anon. I found someone who had what I wanted and now with her help, I am on my way to a better life, a serene life, one day at a time.
Thoughts on Finding a Sponsor and Being a Sponsor One of the first program tools I heard about when I entered the rooms of Nar-Anon was sponsorship. Maybe that is one of the reasons it is so dear to my heart and I have kept coming back. At the first Nar-Anon meeting I ever attended, the facilitator was telling my story. It is no wonder that I chose her as my first sponsor. She was just what I needed at that time in my life, and she focused on seeing me through many crises and getting me involved in service work. Unfortunately she left the program after I was in Nar-Anon for about a year. Under the guidance of my second sponsor, I worked the first three steps and we diligently worked on my selfesteem, which was at the bottom of the pit at that time. Another year for me in the program, and this sponsor also left the rooms of Nar-Anon. It then took me some time to find someone else to be my sponsor. Our home group was small and there just did not seem to be anyone with more time or experience that I felt comfortable with to share my messed up life story. After a couple of years, I started to attend conventions outside my area and that was where my Higher Power put a woman in my life who shared her experience, strength and hope with - 13 -
me for well over 15 years. She helped me through the steps and traditions, taught me the value of getting involved in service work in all positions and at all levels of Nar-Anon. With her guidance, I started to take on sponsees and found out what a rewarding experience that was for my recovery. What I was not prepared for in my experience as a sponsor were my feelings the first time a sponsee did not return to our meetings shortly after I made the commitment to sponsor her. What did I do wrong? Had I said something that scared her away? It was time for me to practice what I had learned over the years, to not take things personally. I had to ask myself who I thought I was that I had so much power to influence another person to do anything. I realized that I had to let it go, to move on and to concentrate on those sponsees that were willing to work on their recovery. Maybe someday when that person is ready, she will come back. There were two things I have had to do in the past that were hard for me. One was when I was asked to be a sponsor and I needed to take my own inventory in response. I realized that at that time my plate was full, therefore I would be doing my sponsees a disfavor by adding on one more sponsee. My fear was that this member would take it personally and disappear from our meetings. By using the tools I had been given from my sponsor, I was able to explain to this person that it had nothing to do with her, but my many commitments would not allow me to give her the time that she deserved. Fortunately, she understood and proceeded to ask someone else to sponsor her. It turned out to be a much better match for both she and her new sponsor. With the help of our Higher Power, things work out the way they are supposed to, if we step back and let Him do His work. The other scary thing I have had to do was to take a risk and talk to a sponsee after a meeting about her breaking traditions during the meeting. Unfortunately, that did not - 14 -
go as well. She got very angry with me and did not come back. Again, I learned to not take things personally and realized that I was powerless over her, but I had to do what was right for the good of the group. In the meantime, my longtime sponsor moved very far away and was spending most of her time raising a family. Although we are the best of friends, it was again time for me to move on and find a new sponsor. Today I have two sponsors, a male and a female, and this is working well for all of us. Neither sponsor is always available because of our geographic locations and employment commitments. It is rare that having a sponsor of the opposite gender works out, but we are comfortable sharing with each other because our lives have many similarities. In sharing our stories and ethnic backgrounds, we learned that we are distant relatives. Our marital status is the same. Combine that together with a large age gap between us and it works well for both of us. I still continue to have at least six sponsees in my life at all times and they are the rainbows in my life. I feel they have given me more than I have ever given to them. They have taught me how to laugh and have fun again. They watch out for me as though they were my birth children. I give them unconditional love which they give back to me tenfold.
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Other conference approved literature that may be helpful: •
Sharing Experience, Strength and Hope (SESH), a 366 page daily inspirational reader.
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Progress not Perfection, a Nar-Anon Recovery Journal.
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Nar-Anon: The Twelve Step Program
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What Happens After Treatment: Why Nar-Anon’s program helps.
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31 Days in Nar-Anon from Nar-Anon groups in Brazil.
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Passport to Freedom: Nar-Anon’s purpose, aid for the newcomer, goals and expectations.
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Is Nar-Anon Right for You?
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It’s Not About Yesterday but Today: Common emotional stages when coming to terms with the disease of addiction.
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Nar-Anon Focus. For recovering addicts who need Nar-Anon and the addict’s viewpoint.
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Let’s Talk About Anonymity in Nar-Anon
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Stories of Recovery from Nar-Anon groups in Brazil.
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How to Deal with Stress. Try the Nar-Anon Way. Nar-Anon slogans help when dealing with stress. - 16 -