Stages of Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse Although we are each unique and our journey should be celebrated and honored following are the stages necessary for almost every survivor. Remember these stages are not always linear and sometimes it can feel that you are taking two steps back before you take one step forward again. Also keep in mind that some stages are not applicable for every person. The Decision to Heal The courage to Heal (Ellen Bass, Laura Davis) calls this stage the acceptance stage. One cannot move forward with the healing process without acceptance and an active commitment to heal. Deep healing can only happen with intentional and active commitment to healing and change. A part of this stage is to prepare for the active healing process by reviewing the following. -
Safety Self-care Regulating one´s emotions and behavior
Including in The Courage to Heal workbook are worksheets that can assist with this preparation. Remembering and Morning Many survivors don´t have any memories of what happened to them as children. Our minds are wired to protect us from pain and trauma, Suppressing of painful events is a natural way to cope with trauma. For others they don´t forget the incident but have no feelings associated with the event. Part of this stage is getting in touch with often represses feelings and appropriately express them safely. Morning the loss of innocence and the lack of safety, every child’s birthright, is an important part of the healing process, This stage can be challenging and hard to go through. Please note that remembering everything is not necessarily required to heal from trauma. What is more important is to get in touch with ones feelings and learn how to express them again. Part of getting in touch with ones feelings is to learn how to safely express our feelings. More importantly is to determine if the unexpressed emotions or memories are causing other challenges in our lives. If unsure, please consult with a counselor or a trained trauma therapist. To learn more about trauma and memories please read Trauma and Recovery
by Judith Herman. Believing It Happened Most adult survivors spend much time doubting their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt, is a vital part of the healing process. Attending support groups with survivors can speed this process. Often by experiencing others challenge with believing what happened to them, we start to understand our own disbelieve. Breaking Silence Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another human being about what happened is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim. Finding a safe person/place to share your story and your secrets helps you to let go of the shame that this somehow was your fault. Understanding That It Wasn't The Victim's Fault Children usually believe the abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs directly on the shoulders of the abusers. Free yourself from blame will help you find compassion for yourself and what you did to survive. Making Contact With The Child Within Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help one feel compassion for self, more anger at the abuser, and greater intimacy with others. Connecting with your inner child and becoming the parent you needed, helps you to trust yourself and then others. Trusting Oneself The best guide for healing is one's own inner voice. Learning to trust one's own perception, feelings, and intuition forms a new basis for action in the world. As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to survive, most survivors haven't felt their losses. Grieving is a way to acknowledge pain, let go, and move into the present. Grieving is about naming what was so, telling the truth, allowing yourself to have feelings about it to let it go. Anger Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether one needs to get in touch with, learn how to safely express it, or has always had plenty to spare, directing rage squarely at the abuser, and at those who didn't protect the victim, is important to healing. Disclosures and Confrontations Directly confronting the abuser and/or one's family is not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic, helpful tool. Please consult your therapist or counselor for appropriate support if you decide to disclose or confront you abuser or family. Resolution and Moving On Change takes time. Many survivors have spent more time with suffering than healing. Be gentle and give yourself the gift of time. As one moves through these stages again and again, one will reach a point of integration. Feelings and perspectives will stabilize. One will come to terms
with the abuser and other family members or one will recognize that a validation from those that hurt us Is not needed in order to move on. While one won't erase history, one will make deep and lasting changes in life. With self-acceptance, self love and trust in oneself and the world again, one can make sense of it all and we can all choose to contribute to a better world. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, one will have the opportunity to work toward a better world. The longest journey is from our heads to our hearts – Native American Saying. (modified from the stages of healing found at archmil.org)