Thoughts on Forgiveness One of the most common directives for healing given to victims of sex abuse is that they must forgive the perpetrator. And it is good advice. However, forgiveness is expected way too soon in the process. Most victims, especially refugees, are still taking responsibility for having been sexually abused. They have little to no grasp on the depth of the impact of the trauma. They aren’t in a frame of mind to even understand what they are forgiving. We misunderstand what forgiveness looks like. Our favorite quote about forgiveness comes from Oprah Winfrey:
Forgiveness is letting go of the thought, belief and need that the past could have and should have been different • Can you feel the release of denial, and the freedom from unrealistic expectation when you read the quote? Moving into the acceptance of your reality so that you can process the impact provides freedom. • Forgiving does not mean you also forget! You shouldn’t forget the truth. Your experience of being sexually abused provides you with insights that can continue to guide and keep you safe. • Forgiveness is a decision to free yourself and has little to do with the person who hurt you. Victims often believe that if they forgive, they are “letting the perpetrator off the hook.” The truth is that it isn’t the perpetrator that is “on the hook.” He is going on with his life not burdened by the impact. You are the one carrying it. Forgiveness let’s you off the hook. • For some reason forgiving has been bundled with an expectation that you have no emotional response about the actions you are forgiving. There is a belief that if you still feel angry or hurt, then you haven’t forgiven the perpetrator. That is not true! When you forgive, you can and still will be confused, hurt, and angry about sex abuse. Forgiveness actually separates you from the perpetrator and creates the emotional space within which to process the feelings. Perhaps the following exercise might help you process forgiveness.
Go Beyond Recovery to Restoration – The Workbook, Born and Davis, 2010
Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom Hannah Arendt
1. What do you believe about forgiveness? _____________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ 2. This quote says there is a key to action and freedom. ______________
Are these two qualities locked up for you?
If yes, why? If no, how did they get released? ___________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Why is it important for you to have action and freedom released inside of you? How does unforgiveness keep you from becoming all that you are created to be? ________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ 4. How does this picture of the butterfly and its surroundings relate to the idea of forgiveness, action and freedom in you? ________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________
Go Beyond Recovery to Restoration – The Workbook, Born and Davis, 2010