Mother's grief orientations booklet

Mother’s Grief Orientations Booklet

Mother of an Angel For de right of feel!

Made by NGO beloved Helena

1

Index INFORMATIVE Introduction ............................................................................................................................. 04 What we want? ......................................................................................................................... 05 Why do we want that? .............................................................................................................. 05 Who is Helena? ....................................................................................................................... 06 NGO Beloved Helena ............................................................................................................... 06 Testimony of mothers we help ................................................................................................. 07 GRIEF, BEREAVEMENT AND MOURNING What is mourning? .................................................................................................................. 09 Why is mourning a taboo? ....................................................................................................... 09 Does mourning have an expiration date? ............................................................................... 09 The complicated mourning ...................................................................................................... 10 Mourning vs. Melancholy..........................................................................................................10 Mourning and the present society ............................................................................................ 11 Why talk about grief in society? .............................................................................................. 12 Grief and bereavement in Brazil .............................................................................................. 12 Mourning and the official health system ................................................................................ 13 Collective mourning ................................................................................................................. 14 Grief for sudden or violent death ............................................................................................. 14 Mourning and the internet ....................................................................................................... 15 Mourning and children ............................................................................................................ 15 Mourning and the young people ...............................................................................................17 Mourning and men ...................................................................................................................17 Mourning for gestational or neonatal loss ............................................................................... 18 Mourning and health ............................................................................................................... 19 The mourning and the farewell rituals .................................................................................... 20 FOR YOU Are you still a mother ............................................................................................................... 22 The law of the right to suffer .................................................................................................... 23 Listen with your heart .............................................................................................................. 24 You can feel ............................................................................................................................ 25 Mourning Process Tasks .......................................................................................................... 27 What can help you ................................................................................................................... 29 The time to ask for help............................................................................................................ 29 Is it better to suffer or "forget"? ............................................................................................... 30 How is the treatment? .............................................................................................................. 30 Is Anesthetic Pain really the way out? ..................................................................................... 31 Writing as a therapeutic resource ............................................................................................ 31 How's the wedding? ................................................................................................................. 32 What about religion / spirituality? .......................................................................................... 33 The children who remained ..................................................................................................... 33 Getting pregnant, adopting, or neither? .................................................................................. 34 How to get along with friends and family? ............................................................................ 35 For those who want to help ..................................................................................................... 36

2

FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO HELP On funeral ............................................................................................................................... 38 Day to day................................................................................................................................. 39 Family Help .............................................................................................................................. 41 Friends help ............................................................................................................................. 41 In the work environment ....................................................................................................... 42 Can the company help? ........................................................................................................... 43 Against the pain, love ............................................................................................................... 44 Special thanks to ...................................................................................................................... 46 Research source: ..................................................................................................................... 46

“WHEN ONE LIFE IS SAVED, OTHER HAS BEEN SAVED TOO. TREATING THE MOTHER, YOU ALSO TAKE CARE, HELP AND SAVE HUSBANDS', GRANDPARENTS', AND CHILDREN'S LIFE. Mariuse Boligon

3

“Nobody should see die someone who they seen born!�

Orlando Alves

If we can say that when a child is born, also a mother is born, is it possible to affirm that symbolically, the death of the mother occurs when her child dies?

The words death, dying, grief, and mourning immediately refer to feelings of pain, failure, and loneliness. To think about death is to experience the emptying of meaning, the lack of definition and explanation, the hollowness of empty ideas, its content is the unthinkable, the unexplainable, it is traumatic par excellence. When it is the death of a child, the death is described by her parents as something lacerating, capable of unbalancing even the most balanced of persons. It contradicts the natural order of life, it is not possible to imagine dealing with the loss of an early life, so the grief experienced by the parents is particularly severe. As for the mother, in addition to the loss she lives a social failure, as if she had failed in her maternal function of protecting and guaranteeing the child's survival. So in terms of numbers, there is no doubt that much more women than men succumb to complicated grief. Considering that the experience of suffering is an internal, private and individualistic nature and

that the bereavement process is external, public and cultural, the obligation to suffer in secret and the prohibition of public demonstration greatly aggravate the trauma of this loss impossible to be given a name, such is its singularity and intensity. Dying is the only unavoidable experience, but we have a cultural commitment to our happiness and on the other hand, we act, instinctively, towards the elimination of pain. Consequently, we do not learn how to live along with the reality of dying, and this is essential for the mental health of the population as a whole, making it necessary to be discussed naturally among all. That stresses the importance of death education, because still today we do not know how to act and perhaps being "naive", we end up believing that soon after the death of a child, the acceptance of death comes to fruition, mistakenly believing that this will be a quick process. Although grief and bereavement change over time, the loss of a child is never overcome, imposing on the mother a new way of experiencing motherhood and herself in the child's present absence.

4

What we want?

Why do we want that?

We cannot change the fact that this tragedy affects many women, but we can help them to understand mourning as a process to be lived and not avoided.

Through information and guidance, we want to help thousands of mothers who are silent and repress the love of their child in a society that does not understand it. We believe that every woman is able to smile again after this fatality, provided that the resources and favorable conditions are offered.

Unfortunately, the reality of our country is far from it, the great majority of women who lose their children do not receive support at the time when they feel more fragile. Investing in public policies and campaigns focused on the possibility of recovery and promoting effective communication between the mothers and society is fundamental in improving the quality of life of these women. Mourning is not only a psychological process after loss, it is a social issue that needs attention.

Currently in Brazil there are few support groups, none maintained by the government, by means of the Unified Health System. With this in mind, the NGO Amada Helena, together with Drs. Franciele Sassi and Karina Polido, both specialists in grief therapy, built the second edition of the first printed material in Brazil distributed free of charge, addressing maternal grief. We believe that this content can be relevant in the process of grief, being an instrument of fundamental importance for the valorization and the feminine empowerment. For this reason, we reiterate the importance of this material, which will bring hope to these mothers who, even in such adverse conditions, survive with determination and expectation of a future where respect, welcoming and guidance are present! No one goes through all this by choice!

The purpose of this booklet is to detail recommendations of good practices in relation to maternal grief and bereavement in search of establishing a dialogue about the loss, breaking the taboo and the silence about the subject in this country. The objective is also to help all the mothers that go through this tragedy to have access to information on the course of the grieving process in a practical and easy-to-understand way, which will help them to become more aware of their needs and their feelings, stimulating an improvement in the quality of life after the loss and thus preventing complications associated with mourning. We also intend to emphasize the importance of social and family ties in the process, awakening empathy and helping them to better understand the needs of these mothers so that they can succeed in getting the new reality adapted.

5

all was in vain ... Helena lost the fight against time, against neglect .... The dream turned into a nightmare and the imagined future was interrupted forever.

However, Helena's legacy today is greater than even imagined, it takes her name and the greatest adjective that identifies this being so pure and full of light: Beloved Helena!

NGO Beloved Helena

Who is Helena?

To speak of Helena, I must first speak of the greatest word that accompanies it: love! And it is from the birth of love for Helena that I begin this narrative. Before the birth of the body, Helena was born in the soul, in the indestructible love between mother and daughter that is the greatest inheritance that this beautiful star left. Before they even saw each other, the love between them protected and enchanted, nourished body and dreams, intertwined with the future and the anxiety of the touch increased every day.

Then Helena was present, and what a presence!

Such a delicate girl, with a personality so latent, so great, that enchants all until today by its history of life and fight.

Helena had an intense existence, immersed in a world of news, because she seemed to know not to have time to know.

In just 17 days, she would say goodbye to the world, to her life, to her mother; so small, fought for her life for 12 hours waiting for a neonatal ICU bed in the State of Rio Grande do Sul, wanted to stay, called for the safety of her mother's lap, for the protection of her father, but

In memory of Helena de Oliveira Maffini, who won her angel wings in 2012, this NGO was started by her relatives in order to raise awareness about the lack of neonatal ICU beds. The NGO became more comprehensive with numerous projects involving the humanization of maternal grief in the country, in order to promote an effective transformation in the lives of women who suffer from emotional loss after losing a child. The actions so far are: - Mothers of Angel Day- Always held on the last Sunday of May -Exhibition Mothers of Angel Photographs to address the issue -Christmas of Mothers of Angels Practical and free information about grief and bereavement

Conheรงa. Visite. Apoie.

FACEBOOK/ AMADAHELENA INTAGRAM - @AMADAHELENA

If it were not by the work of the NGO Amada Helena, perhaps I had forgotten my eldest son and my partner. I thank you for life having put you on my way, so that I can share the memory of Alanis. You avoided a suicide and the sadness of a child becoming orphaned. Thanks always!

Juliana Rodrigues

In the year I discovered what perfect love was, I also discovered what it was to love someone, my Maria!

Unfortunately, I had to adapt to the harshest and cruelest reality that could be imposed on someone. I met NGO Angels on Earth that made this process of mourning less painful, guiding us on this difficult journey, always hand in hand, never leaving us alone. Beloved Helena, what gratitude! If it were not for you, perhaps this testimony could not even be written. Thank you for the affection, for the welcome, for giving voice to us, mothers of angels. In all my thanks, you will always be at the top. Really, together we are stronger.

JĂŠssika Oliveira

Our projects in NGO beloved Helena requires besides love, a lot of time, money and work to maintain in a way that helps another grieving mothers around the world. If you find any value or feel empathy for what we do, please consider making a donation to us. Every donation it's important to us.

QR code to donate by PayPal. 7

Grief, bereavement and mourning Mourning is not an obstacle that must be overcome, but an experience of the utmost importance that needs to be lived in order for its meaning to be constructed and understood. No one can do this in place of someone else, although we all have the will to protect people from suffering.

Maria Helena Franco

We will use the term "mourning" and its derivatives to refer only to the process resulting from the death of a child, since the entanglement by other types of losses will not be addressed.

8

What is mourning?

Many people believe that mourning is just crying and whining, a disease, depression, and so being should be avoided to the fullest. Mourning is nothing more than the process of readaptation of reality without the person who has passed away. Each process is unique and cannot and should neither be compared nor measured, often to justify the depth of love for the departed. In an article published by the psychiatrist George L. Engel in 1961, he states that the loss of someone significant can be as psychologically traumatic as it would be physiologically a serious burn. In this perspective, the elaboration of mourning functions as a kind of healing process, which ends with the reestablishment of the person and the resumption of the shaken balance.

Why is mourning a taboo?

Death is still seen as an unknown, surrounded by the beliefs and paradigms of modern society. The words death, dying, and bereavement immediately refer to feelings of pain, failure, and loneliness. Learning to accept and coexist with death and dying is essential for the mental health of the population as a whole, so it becomes necessary that, although painful, it should be discussed naturally among all. Mourning as an individual process is directly related to mourning as a social process. This is because each individual is inserted in a society that exerts influence on the feelings and behaviors generated by the death of a person. For this reason, the psychological elaboration of mourning is tied to the way a social group thinks about death and behaves before it. In a culture that sees death as a natural part of life, grieving tends to be less painful.

In another that perceives death as the unwanted separation of a loved one, mourning is usually painful, with intense feelings.

Does mourning have an expiration date?

Why do we want to abbreviate and delimit a time? Who knows, because we imagine that the end of suffering is possible. Unfortunately, it's not that simple! But thinking in time, in the chronological case (for the mother, the time is not linear, nor the clock), the process of mourning can last for years, without this meaning that there is any kind of complication. Therefore, there is no way to specify a time for ending. In addition, we do not speak about the end of the process but instead about end of its elaboration. So, the most coherent is to allow each one to unfold in his/her rhythm and slowly organize him/herself in the face of this suffering because in mourning there is no stopwatch. It is worth remembering that the first year is usually the most difficult because that is when the first important dates occur, such as Mother's Day, Christmas etc., without the presence of the one that left.

Another important reminder is that the short or long recovery time does not show the size, depth, and longevity of love.

The complicated mourning

Mourning vs. melancholy

It is difficult to specify a normal duration for bereavement. It can last for years without characterizing any complications. So how do you define complicated mourning? What characterizes a difficult process is not the time, nor the presence of certain symptoms or behaviors since many of them are also present in the normal bereavement, such as revolt, guilt etc.

What defines this course is the intensity, frequency and the duration of these events. There are some losses that are admittedly difficult to be processed. One example is the death of a child, often experienced as a tragedy. It is considered one of the most complicated entanglements, generating lasting symptoms. This is due to the fact that "when a child dies, part of the parents' self* also dies." The dreams, expectations, and hopes that parents had about that particular child are lost. This is particularly threatening for most families, a world once experienced as safe and orderly can come to be perceived as unfair and out of control. Bereaved parents need to rebuild their inner world, which will gain new meanings, since the loss of a child impacts on the physical and psychological health of a third of the people who experience this kind of loss, making it difficult to recover after the loss. This deprivation can generate a risk of the mourner giving up life, or can lead to illness, so this type of loss requires attention and a peculiar understanding. However, this reality will not necessarily generate complicated mourning.

Deep and painful discouragement, the loss of interest in the external world, the capacity to love and the reduction of activities to the minimum necessary are normal characteristics, because they are due to the fact that the mourner is turned to his/her own suffering, becoming interested in a few things beyond what they are feeling. These reactions tend to disappear naturally over time. The inevitable acceptance of reality begins in the process of appeasing pain by teaching us to live in spite of everything, to enjoy despite everything, to love in spite of everything. And that is what distinguishes mourning from melancholy, a feeling that can prolong the state of being suspended for a lifetime. “Mourning, acceptance of death, hangs on the side of life, while melancholy brings us to the same death it refuses. The melancholic is the one who does not stop suffering." When the philosopher Sponville said this, he did not want to minimize the pain of those who live the loss, as if it were possible to turn off an imaginary button of pain, but rather that the process of resignification of life after the loss must be made so that everything does not turn a great farewell to him/herself and his/her own life that goes along with that of the departed loved one.

* William James, one of the fathers of Psychology, defined "self" as the individual's self-knowledge

10

Mourning and the present society

the recovery of the mourner. It is really sad to see those we love to leave, so we hide this reality denying that it is a natural part of life. In addition, we live a challenging social moment obsessed with happiness as a system of life, in the era of selfies, travel and perfect lives there is no room to suffer, sadness turned into weakness, mourning turned into disease.

This immediate world, against demonstrations of suffering, calls for the speed and concealment of any negative feelings or reminds us of our vulnerability, leading to a practical approach that tries to keep death from our daily lives. As proof of this, we can cite the fact that today death happens much more in hospitals accompanying doctors than at home accompanied by the family. Instead of wakes that were are performed at home, the ceremony is done in specialized houses in the fastest possible way, in the midst of an increasingly fast-paced routine.

This concealment can also be perceived, among other ways, in the idea that talking about death is morbid, encouraging the mourners to think about other matters and implicitly recommending emotions to be expressed in a contained way as if they were signs of weakness. These are common practices in this century, when death has come to be seen as an untimely rupture, which generates intolerable pain.

We do not want to face the reality of our finitude, as a consequence the behavior of the cover-up does not allow those who missed a longer farewell to the suffering that it visibly causes, the rites are shorter and more time is necessary for

We celebrate life as if it would never end and we do not make room for sadness to interrupt its rhythm...

11

Why talk about grief in society?

Grief and bereavement in Brazil

The process of mourning can be directly influenced by the presence or absence of a social network that helps the mother to cope with the loss. Some people face this period alone, which makes it particularly difficult to increase the risk of complicated mourning. The "prohibition" of the expression of feelings has worried many psychologists who emphasize the need for people to express their feelings, since doing so favors a process considered natural, which results in the reestablishment after its termination.

They also point out that trying to suppress or oppress what is felt can be detrimental to the elaboration of mourning: "When we lose someone, we become angry, desperate; that should allow us to get past these sensations "(KĂźbler-Ross). Still, studies and analyzes, statistics and literary are few.

This lack of approach to the theme makes it increasingly difficult to be understood and to face it.

In general, Brazilian society imposes an absolute silence around the theme. By the total lack of comprehension about the mourning process, it is more and more mystified and so promoting the erroneous approach facing the reality of the loss. In addition to ready-made and uncompromising phrases, many dictate the way the grieving process should be lived, as if it were fit according with models and rules. Moreover, the lack of studies on mourning for the death of a child is noteworthy due to the complexity of the subject and deepening it, it will add new knowledge, benefiting not only the scientific community, but individuals as a whole. The path to be followed is long, but it is necessary for everyone to understand, even if briefly, the theme, giving a better welcome to the bereaved, without pressure and therefore without labels. Understanding the death process, just as one understands the vibration of life, is fundamental to demystify the process of mourning, providing death education so that we can deal with it in a way that makes suffering as bearable as possible.

Opening up cozy spaces and making society aware of the importance of allowing expression of feelings for those who suffer will alleviate the current burden of the taboo of mourning and hidden suffering. Whether we talk about it or not will not change the fact that it happens. Even though it is an arid subject, difficult to be approached and understood, we must learn to deal with death and grief. After all they are part of life.

Mourning and the official health system

as a result, then the question remains, the mother, socially vulnerable, should seek help in which place?

It is possible to provide a most humane welcome to all mothers who lose their children!

Going a long way towards the humanization of maternal grief through knowledge and updating of the whole support network of women and of the professionals inserted in this context, from nurses, doctors (after all, they have never been able to give the worst news of their lives) until the funeral service (which will deliver the reality to the mother, the child's body) to teams of the UBS that know the mother, and the place where she lives, and can give later attention.

We need to ensure that health teams are aware of the basic precepts of behavior in the bereavement process, many of which are already foreseen in the guidelines for health practices, to accompany and train professionals in hospitals so that they are able to sustain and support this crisis situation, that have humanized behaviors not only on paper, but also in the treatment, for the care and the attention to these mothers.

* Unified Health Care System ** Basic family care unit

Currently there is little or no support from the professionals in the initial hospital care, and when received, it happens only in the first moments after the loss. On the other hand, professional assistance is an important point reported by many mothers who lose their children, reflecting the value of effective and welcoming care provided by the health professional and the consequences on how bereaved women experience the situation, especially in the perinatal loss when she is likely to remain hospitalized. Thus indicating the need for the health team to be sensitive to the emotional and not only physical demands of these patients, seeking a humanized and comprehensive care that will help them feel safe and well assisted by the team. Health professionals are reported to be unprepared during their training to deal with this particular type of grief and because of lack of knowledge, they end up either by personally engaging in the situation or bypassing care. Psychology with a focus on grief has a long way to be properly inserted in health services. It is also worth remembering that currently in the official unified health care system (SUS*), there is no specific assistance for mothers who lose children. We can mention that psychological support groups held in the UBS **, bring together people with various realities, such as drug problems, causing the mother to experience all the anguish of the son who died 13

Collective mourning

Grief for sudden or violent death

After the tragedy there is the commotion, but often, soon there will be criticism and this is exactly the common situation, hearing someone say that we must move on. Most of the time this lack of affection is demonstrated, by means of two answers: "I'm sorry, but I do not have time to listen to your moans"; "Please do not chord in me a suffering the size of yours." This can lead Bereaved people to wonder if they have the right to be sad and whether this mix of feelings is normal. Brazil still needs to study and implant emergency psychological services as a matter of public anguish, because of the importance of the psychologist's work on prevention, preparation and reception in face of these events, since these strongly affect the population, even when unnoticed by the media. For instance, we can mention for example, the tragedy that occurred in 2013 in the city of Santa Maria, where more than two hundred and forty-two lives were lost.

Nowadays, it is possible to observe the numerous drastic changes that occur, such as the sharp advance of urban violence, the use and abuse of drugs, alcohol and fatal accidents, contributing to the increase of disregard for life. In general, these losses are seen as threatening events that impact both the social group and individuals experiencing sudden loss. For the group, this type of death is perceived as something that escapes the social control and, as a consequence, shows the fragility of the human condition. As for the bereavement process, beyond missing and regret, there is also revolt and indignation. For this reason, sudden death is universally abominable and generates a special commotion. In the grief of this kind of loss, the feeling of it not actually occurring can be even more intense and prolonged, by not conceiving death as real. The bereaved person may initiate a search behavior considered excessive, if compared to what we see in other types of attachment. The grief process due to violent deaths involving human action (suicide, murder, etc.) poses a special risk to the mental health of bereaved people, which can generate complicated struggles as well as cause family problems with multigenerational impact.

The population suffered because these victims were young people of their own family, themselves as young people and all the dreams dreamed of at that age, but also for imagining themselves experiencing such pain. Since then, for everyone in town to meet someone who knew one of them, there is no way to be indifferent; so parents, friends, the city, suddenly become a big family. This was also the case after the Chapecoense football team air crash.

"Behind these direct 242 victims of the fire at nightclub Kiss, there were several others who lost their lives because they didn’t bear the pain of the loss."

Both tragedies involved young people and generated a huge national commotion, because they are intertwined with the mass suffering that these situations incite. In such cases, the collective mourning helps in the elaboration of the process because the affected ones are united by the pain.

Mother member of AVSTM Association of Victims of Santa Maria

14

Mourning and the internet

Mourning and children

Mourning is not experienced in the same way in all societies, times, cultures and individuals. It undergoes modifications as the years pass, societies change and new forms of relationships appear.

Nowadays, the use of the virtual world for the manifestation of emotions has become common, more democratic and in the rhythm of each individual. Demand has increased the exposure of online grief, so distant people can share feelings by disagreeing with off-line habits where the demonstration is increasingly private, swift and superficial. The types of messages, the existing interaction, and the speeches regarding the elaboration of the grieving process have changed the way this is addressed. It is not a new way of experiencing this process, but it opens a new space in which it becomes public, typical of this contemporary society where everything is easier to express with finished sentences and without real feelings. In the online world as in offline life there are people with no respect for others; they visit profiles not for the elaboration of mourning, but to satisfy a morbid curiosity or to post offenses, without the recognition of limits that physical coexistence imposes and without time to finish.

"Children are removed from the situation with the first intention of not suffering, but in fact it is often because adults do not know what to do in this situation" Kovรกcs If it were possible, we would protect the children at that moment, but we cannot!

Talking about death is not pleasant, but it is necessary, explaining the nature of grief contributes to the child's growth, in addition there are risk factors linked to not elaborating a loss, making impossible the emotional, cognitive and relational development in childhood and, later, in adult life. The smaller the child, the less conditions he will have to understand rationally death, the ability to perceive it as an irreversible event is acquired throughout development.

Initially, it associates death to sleep or a journey, only later can it understand death as a loss with no possibility of return, they tend to accept the reality of death in "doses", allowing the entry of "a little" of pain and then they play again.

This dosage is not only normal but also necessary to make those early moments of grieving more bearable. Therefore, there are relevant points to be taken into account when an adult tells the child about death, during, or after being in development that the child is emotionally vulnerable. It is important to use simple language, with clear and objective terms, they want to know the truth, but do not need all the details. Metaphors such as "went to heaven", "is sleeping" or "turned little star" only cause confusion and give rise to greater fantasies and doubts.

Therefore, it is necessary to allow time for understanding and to respond to the 15

child’s questions. Likewise, it is essential to respect your limits and abilities, especially in emotionally charged environments, such as wakes. In these circumstances, it is necessary to provide support, in addition to explaining how this will be "during" in simple words, that the body of the person is in a special box, for a time, so that people can see it, again, before being buried. It is also important to warn you that there will be people crying because they are sad about the fact, that the person who died does not feel any more pain, cold or any discomfort. After the explanation, ask if the child wants to go to the wake, and just take him/her if so; do not force him/her to go at all, but do not deny the right to participate in the ritual. Later on the child will also encounter feelings of mourning, and symptoms such as aggression, sadness, anger may arise.

Remember to offer understanding, this is more important than forcing him/her to eat properly, to do the lesson or go to bed early. It is also important to authorize the expression of these emotions and to always do the best within the possible of every moment, even in the admission that death is part of a mystery of life and that no one knows exactly what happens next, or making use of beliefs recognizing the existence of others in order to exercise diversity. You can cry in front of her, showing that even if you miss the one who left, there is hope that the longing will decrease and that there are ways to try to get a little better - take a walk, call a friend, write a diary, draw; children need different expressions for their feelings. When someone we love dies, he lives in us through our memories, it is very good for her to see photos or watch videos, to remember the past makes the future as possible, do not try to take away her memories as a mistaken attempt to deprive her of ache. Naturally we question the meaning and purpose of

life, children tend to do the same in a very simplified way through questions like "Why do people die? "," What happens after they die? "Do not try to answer all the questions about the meaning of life.

No problem, and perhaps even desirable, to admit that you also feel confused by the same questions. We will not always be able to protect her from pain and save her from suffering, but, yes, we can protect her and comfort them in this difficult time, listen to discover what is in their minds more than speak, choose someone close to the child, and who is in better emotional conditions to give you the news, put her in your arms, physically welcome her in this moment, they live in mourning in different ways, but they do not fail to try it.

16

Mourning and the young people

not share intimate speech with others; also pay attention to non-verbal communication: 50% of the art of listening and being present involves looking into the eyes, leaning toward the person, maintaining an open posture (no crossed arms)

Many teens find it difficult to identify and understand what they feel, and during mourning they may tend to close, not expressing any emotion, and may seem like a reaction of indifference, so that adults do not pay attention to it.

When this happens, friendships are able to play an important role, being among friends can be an opportunity to share feelings and ease loneliness, favoring mourning. The school, and sometimes the work, are also legitimate and necessary environments, these spaces help them to meet. One should not expect school development to continue as if nothing had happened, mourning can put school or work "on hold". This is normal. Adults, parents, teachers should understand and even encourage this exchange of priorities. Talking about death helps to dispel fears and walks in favor of acceptance, listen without judgment and honor the combination, do

Mourning and men "They feel the loss much more than they can express" Although I do not talk about it and need to go back to work, going out, having sex; the man suffers! We need to understand that for them to return to routine is the search for identity. Talking about mourning is necessary and even therapeutic for most people, but sometimes, for others, silencing is the best. You want him to understand your way of suffering, so you need to at least try to understand his. Accept that each has different coping capabilities to survive, there is no right or wrong but yes what is consistent for each. Who knows what you do well is to go to Mass and to him is to wear yellow because it is the color that your son liked the most? Not necessarily your good will be good for him and vice versa. If for you it is a way of reliving memories by tinkering with your child's clothes, for him it can be a stab in the heart. In that case, leave it to do so when you are alone, not as a way to hide what you feel, but not to invade the way you suffer. You are comrades need to come to a consensus and when you achieve a balance, everything will become less difficult.

17

Mourning for gestational or neonatal loss Pregnancy requires adaptation to the physical and psychological changes that involve inserting a child into life, where it occupies from its conception a symbolic place in the family in which the woman also assumes a new role, no longer just a daughter or a wife, but a mother. The reaction to the diagnosis of gestational loss can be characterized as paralyzing, affecting the body, eliminating the characteristics of pregnant women such as the extension of the belly, performing medical procedures, motives that make the loss so cruel and psychologically disconcerting.

Even so, society disregards mourning for gestational and neonatal loss, minimizing its proportion, is considered an unauthorized mourning, and some people often ask the mother to forget what happened.

Man generally does not have his identity defined by fatherhood, whereas being a mother is a full realization of the feminine.

This

type of loss affects aspects related to the woman's identity, social values, customs, society's expectations of her generative competence. It also affects the couple's possibilities for forming a family, and the expectation of the development of new roles in the family group already formed: grandparents, greatgrandparents, uncles. When a next gestation occurs they will fear and remember so many times of the fact that they need to strive doubly for the maintenance of physical and psychological balance. This kind of loss needs to be seen as a risk item for a healthy grieving process, considering that in most cases women who lose their children at some stage of gestation receive less compassion than one who loses their child after of birth, and many judge her as if she feels the pain of frustration rather than the loss of a real person, since there was no baby for them. Because of this lack of understanding, many people make the choice to speak only about the loss they need, in search of self-preservation by withdrawing suffering from situations, thoughts and harrowing ideas of this traumatizing event. Other aggravating factors are the lack of information about the cause of death, the absence of rituals, the fact that when performed, they embarrass the participants, which is why the parents' desire to perform them often is not even listened to and the lack of palpable memories, when one loses a child with whom one has lived, photos and memories that have been built up over time make them homesick, in the case of gestational loss the only thing left is what mothers lived during pregnancy, the record of the memory itself is accessible to others only through their account.

About 7,200 babies are stillborn in the world, and 98% of cases occur in low- and middle-income countries (WHO, 2011). In Brazil, the current rate of stillbirths is 19.3 to 1000 live births, considered equivalent to the rate that developed countries presented in the 1990s.

1960 (Brazil, 2009).

"Almost half of all deaths (1.3 million) occur during birth.

Most result from avoidable conditions, such as maternal

infections, no communicable diseases and obstetric complications.

A minority of deaths are due to congenital conditions, some of which are also avoidable.

It is estimated that 4.2 million women live with depression associated with the loss of a stillbirth. In the long term, stigma and taboo increase the trauma of families.

Fonte: The Lancet

Mourning and health "The body expresses itself through pain," In the words of Dr. Taty Logiodice, she makes it clear that she does not agree with the classification of "emotional pains" and "physical pains" and explains that they are real pains that can have equal intensity, in fact the mourning does not constitute a disease, but this does not prevent you from physically feeling your pains. Research by the University of California showed that the part of the brain that processes physical pain also processes emotional pain. Those who are suffering from the loss usually report chest pains and palpitations, symptoms of a so-called "broken heart syndrome" *, a mechanism of defense of the heart to the adrenaline discharges that usually accompany situations of shock, it is also possible that the degree of immunity is low, leaving mourners vulnerable to infection. They often suffer in silence fearing being sick with grief, and they may be! The doctor describes three levels of illness: the first level is the energetic, capable of causing discomfort. The second level is functional, which has consequent metabolic imbalances. The third is organic, in which evils such as gastritis may manifest. Listening to the expression of the body, recognizing pain and, above all, speaking without fear about it is the first and most important step to stop feeling it. Do not be ashamed to ask for help. In fact, there is no ready recipe, each one knows the pain he feels and gradually discovers what makes him feel better. Running, swimming, practicing any activity can help you not only physically but also emotionally, yes, during exercise the body releases important neurotransmitters in the brain that give the sensation of pleasure and well-being. Other options according to Dr. are alternative therapies, such as

Reik, art therapy, music therapy or acupuncture (only recognized by the Regional Council of Medicinal), all duly accompanied by a professional in the area and without neglecting other care.

* Takotsubo's heart disease

19

The mourning and the farewell rituals Often going to funerals or burials can be seen as an unbearable experience, because it causes intense pain, in several cases, people close to you cease to be present usually stimulated by those who fear that they do not bear the emotion of the farewell.

However, attending farewell rituals may be important so that death begins to be perceived as real and therefore relevant to the elaboration of mourning. It will be the last time you will see the body of the person you love, and perhaps the last chance to publicly express your love and respect for that life that is gone.

However, a "practical" approach to final rites is increasingly commonplace, underestimating the value of collective ceremonies as "compelling" friends to attend funerals is a social nuisance in the midst of an increasingly fast-paced routine, many believe that crying their dead with more "discretion" and privately is the most convenient. It is important to give the mourner the time it takes for friends, family and acquaintances to speak, each of them can hand in a piece of the story of the departed, some tell how he was at work, remember the last conversations, distant memories or near.

The mourners will use it later, remembering and celebrating the departed helps to face the longing, and teaches to preserve the best of him forever in the heart, helping to think of everything that he was and represented in life. The wake is a place where it is allowed to speak about the person who has left and cry, everyone's participation is important in the farewell process because, after the funeral, there will be no other way to experience pain so

collectively, the funeral and its symbols assume the role of words that do not leave, the feelings that we cannot translate. Of course it would be less difficult to say goodbye just looking at the good memories, because seeing the deceased may be too shocking, but unfortunately death happened, and that is the reality, there is no way to turn the funeral into a celebration of life ignoring the fact that that person is no longer here. Even if the family and the deceased have no particular religious’ beliefs (and need not have them to understand the meaning of life and our finitude), it is very significant to know how much the person who died was wanted, so if possible, do not miss a funeral or funeral because you do not know how much your presence can mean.

To those who avoid entering the wakeroom - and deserve respect for their choice - it is worth remembering that reality hurts, but as long as it is not seen there is no progress on the journey of mourning. Like many things in life, the easy way can be the hardest in the long run. Rituals can be simple and heathen, the important thing is to make sense to those who are living the pain of loss thus helping in the physical and psychic organization in situations of loss.

20

For you Initially, you may feel like you are living in a fog, simply going through the days on autopilot; must be wondering if "this pain is forever? "In a way yes, because a bond with a child is unique and forever. What happens is that the open wound gradually grows to heal, even if it never stops hurting. You will gradually realize yourself producing, working, finally, living again, but you will not be the same person as before, for this experience will bring you to review a number of values, beliefs and behaviors.

We will use the term "mourning" and its derivatives to refer only to the process resulting from the death of a child, since the entanglement by other types of loss will not be addressed.

Also, "HE" is meant as a son or daughter.

21

Are you still a mother

piece, your future plan has been brutally altered. You are probably sure that, at this moment, nothing is able to ease your suffering or console you.

The first message is seemingly obvious, but important in the process: your child has existed and will exist forever, in the love that has left inside you.

So how do other women survive this?

Give time to time, when you least expect it, you will be on the move again, relearning to live. The pain will be transformed and in its place there will be a sad, but not desperate regret. And for that, you do not have to do anything spectacular, only that the minimum effort is your maximum.

You are probably reading this booklet sometime after your loss. It is strange to realize that the world has not stopped and that everything is still going on, even when the horror of losing a child has become a reality, does anyone noticing? Unfortunately, there is no way to change that, and there is no way to live that painful experience in your place.

The following pages will share some coping strategies that can help you through this difficult and painful time.

Absorb only what makes sense to you, after all, as each person is unique, there is no single manual on how to experience loss and absence. The instructions are general, but progress is individual, as is mourning.

From loss, your physical, psychological and social states will be different, no use trying to fight with it. Although not sick, you're not as healthy as you once were.

You will need a time for your body, your emotions and your psychological condition to return to a state of balance.

Maybe she's wondering: Am I crazy? In a way, yes! Because it's crazy to go crazy, you've been amputated, you're missing a

22

The law of the right to suffer

-Experience "the bottom of the pit" - Even after a time of mourning, when you are almost finished this process, a strong wave of sadness can come and can be scary, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and lets you talk about all this.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

This list is intended both to guide initially and to decide how others can help or not by filtering out only useful responses, separating them from offensive, incoherent ones, and differentiating ready-made sentences from true feelings.

-Participate in a ritual -The funeral does more than acknowledge the death of your child, it helps to receive care, attention and caresses of the people.

More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to cry. If others tell you that funeral or other ritual like these are unnecessary, do not listen.

You have the right to ...

- Live your own pain - No one will react in exactly the same way, so when others offer to help, do not let them say what they should or should not do or feel.

- If your faith is a part of your life- Speak out in ways that will help you, let yourself be helped by people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk to who will not be critical of your feelings of pain and neglect.

-Talking about your pain and feelings Talking about your pain will help, look for others who will let you speak as much as you need, and listen as many times as necessary. If you sometimes feel like talking, you also have the right to be quiet, there are days when all you want and need is to be silent.

- Find a meaning - Can you find yourself wondering why he passed away? Why this way? Because now? Some of your questions may have answers, others may not. And beware of the clichĂŠ answers that some people can give you.

Insensitive comments like: God gave and He decides the time to take; you have to be thankful that you died early; you're new, you'll soon have another; and others of this type are not useful and you do not have to accept.

-Feeling a multitude of emotions - Fear, guilt, hope, lack of faith, willingness to give up are just a few of the emotions you can feel. Others may try to tell you that the feeling of anger, for example, is wrong, do not listen, instead find listeners who accept their unconditional feelings.

- Know your limits physically and emotionally - You will probably feel fatigued, tired of struggling to keep up seemingly well. Respect what your body and mind are saying. Rest every day, eat balanced meals, do not let others force you to do things you are not ready to do or feel uncomfortable, but let them help in some way.

- Defending and treasuring your memories - They and memories are the best legacies that exist after the death of a child, we never forget or exceed, but instead of ignoring their memories, find people with whom you can share them.

-Living the grieving process in its time Taking, hiding or repressing your pain

23

will not make it go fast. Remember, pain is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant of yourself and avoid people who

are impatient and intolerant of you. No one should try to forget the death of a child, for it changes life forever.

Listen with your heart While these observations may well be well-intentioned, they are not constructive and can even be torturous if they are accepted as truths. Therefore, capture only the good intention that the person had in trying to comfort you. Your suffering distresses people, who often do not know what to say, do not hold back hurt, remember that the intention was to ease your suffering ...

24

You can feel Allow all feeling to take place, manifesting each one of them, denying them will only leave you confused and overwhelmed favoring the onset of complicated symptoms, causing mourning to linger.

Numbness - Works like a bumper, against what would otherwise be overwhelming and unbearable pain, is characterized by disbelief in the death of your child that can last for days or months. It seems to live in a reality that is not yours.

Sadness - The most normal feeling that expresses the longing that you feel. Grief and sadness are different from depression, as depression has peculiar characteristics and is usually treated with medication, which is not the case with mourning.

Guilt - It's not rational! You know you could not have prevented it from happening, but sometimes you self-accuse yourself of past events: you did not protect him, you did not take him to the hospital earlier ... this is normal since the mother feels she is responsible for protecting the son. It is attributed to her the duty to watch over his welfare in all areas of her life, and if she fails, she will be held responsible. The mother's guilt is already present when the son faces problems in life, imagine after his departure. You may also feel guilty about getting laughed or relaxed and thinking, "How can I be amused when my son is dead?" You may feel guilty about being "forgetting" him.

Revolt - The fight with everything around you: doctors, the partner, the family and even God, for not being able to understand why they are experiencing such intense pain.

Lack of faith - You may feel a sense of spiritual emptiness or feel that you have been betrayed by God and lose your faith.

Can you still experience feelings of bitterness, anger, and disappointment in your religion, after all, if the God you believe in is as good as you have allowed your son to die?

Anger - It is normal to be angry at this world that remains happy and ignores its pain, it is a cruel circle: the more anger increases, the more it distracts people, which makes them angrier. It comes from two sources: the sense of frustration that there is nothing you can do to prevent your child from dying and a kind of regressive experience where you feel unable to exist without it. Ineffective ways of dealing with anger are to displace it or misdirect it to other people, blaming it for death or turning it against itself.

Loss of memory: Your central nervous system protects you to endure all this pain, this sadness. You lose your memory because you lose the ability to focus and keep your attention, because if you were in full condition you could not bear it, concentrating everything on pain. For this reason, you will also be easily distracted and will have difficulty concentrating. Do not worry, slowly everything will come back.

25

Anxiety - It can range from a slight sense of insecurity to a strong panic attack and the more intense and persistent anxiety is, the more it suggests the reaction to a complicated mourning.

Will to die - Not to take his own life, but to live no longer. There are two reasons for this feeling, staying with your child and the lack of perspective of a future beyond the feeling that nothing else has value.

Loneliness - No one understands your grief.

These feelings are common to all mothers and, if sensed in a coherent way, will help in their adaptation to the new reality through self-knowledge and continuous learning. You may feel anger, fear, revolt, but also, at times, serenity and tranquility. The important thing is to understand that there is nothing wrong with any of the feelings experienced.

Fatigue - Loss of energy to leave and energy to travel, clean the house, work ....

Sometimes it can be experienced as apathy or indifference.

Impotence - You could not do anything to avoid it, to at least lessen your child's pain and would undoubtedly give your life to save it, but you cannot. Unfortunately, it is not up to you, death is the greatest impotence experience we can have.

26

Mourning Process Tasks This path is not linear, sometimes it advances in the final direction, and in the next moment, it returns to the beginning. To experience it in the best way, it may be useful to understand the four tasks involved, which can lead to recovery. However, reaching the coast when we are drowning seems impossible.

But believe me, even though it takes a while to reach a state similar to that of the previous equilibrium, it is feasible because you are active in the process since it is up to you to act in the face of your suffering.

happened, concretize the fact within you.

It is okay to initially nurture a desire to join him, this is a normal feeling, but the permanent and obsessive desire of this meeting does not. The perception that death actually happened is gradual, even though you are aware that death happened, emotionally accepting the reality of loss is not immediate, but not believing and denying death can result in being stopped at this first task, noting that suffering is not overcome by being avoided, but by working through it.

1To experience the pain of loss and accept reality;

Remember your child, look at pictures, think of it, even if you feel pain, it will help you in the process, in reestablishment. Avoiding painful thoughts prevents you from working out the mourning. Although it makes you sad, remembering only good things, avoiding sad memories, making use of medicines will not help you. This is a painful but essential moment, for it is when you will recognize within yourself the immutability of loss, and the intermittent hope ends: you will no longer see your child and today within your heart you will never again smell, see or catch / hug. It is possible that he prefers to guard himself, also to install apathy and great fatigue, even to perform the simplest things. This period appears to be debilitating, for the process of overcoming these feelings is slow and painful, but also liberating.

2-

His conscience knows that his son has died, but his heart cannot face the truth.

So as a form of defense to bear the pain, it creates the illusion that perhaps everything has not passed from a nightmare. Flee, do everything to not remember and sometimes want to return to "normal" life as if the tragedy had not happened. At one point you may want to speak incessantly of it, in others you may want to deflect the subject, also oscillate between seeking and avoiding places that bring back memories. You may still be blocking in your mind everything that remembers the horror that has lived without it, denying to itself the harsh reality, in addition it can present the selective oblivion, taking the memories of pain and anguish, risking blocking the good memories too. While initially responding to a loss may involve numbness, the first task involves something supposedly simple, but apparently unbearable: experiencing pain. This is something very difficult and to help accept the reality of loss, the farewell rituals are very valuable. It is also important that you try to understand what caused your child's death, read the death certificate, find out what actually

Elaborate the pain of loss

3Adjust to the environment where the deceased person is missing His days were due to this son, organizing his trousseau, arranging his room, bathing, feeding, playing, taking to school, making his lunch, finally, taking care of him. When he left, he took the reality that you knew together, changed his gaze to the past and his dreams for

27

the future. Now, your days are huge and without company, you look at the clock and there is nothing else to be done, hours and hours just pleading with his absence. When you experience a restructuring process as deep as mourning, there is a need to adapt to the world that has been experiencing other activities, filling the time gaps with something that helps you feel a little better. Many mothers after the loss promote their own helplessness, work against themselves, withdraw from the world, struggle against a possible adjustment to the new reality, others decide to play roles that were not accustomed, modeling and adapting to the world in which it was building a new existence from there, because unfortunately there are no ways to return to the world before. Although there is no timetable, as one moves toward recovery, acceptance of a new reality slowly begins to emerge.

this longing and pain, but know that you can achieve it too. This task is characterized by adapting life without your child, non-acceptance, will never accept what happened, but will adapt. It will be gradually, with the realization that it is necessary to rebuild your life, directed your love to something that to you represents love to your child. It's not about forgetting it, it's about putting it in a new place in your heart, the longing will continue forever, but it will not be desperate and sometimes you'll be able to smile again. Repositioning your love is to realize that loving other people is not about not loving your child.

It would be a mistake to give a chronological time limit for this process to end, as each mother is unique as is the child, the family, the loss situation, and the coping tools. It is important to note that failure to complete these tasks can result in impaired suffering, which is a prolonged type of mourning associated with depression that may block the development of the process. Times of too much stress or extreme fatigue can cause a kind of return, returning to normal once you get enough rest.

4Repositioning in emotional terms the person who died and continue life It may seem impossible today, that some mother has managed to touch life despite

28

What can help you     



Practice physical exercise you enjoy (Consult your doctor) Write what you feel in a diary Make a favorite photo album that reminds you of your child Seek the company of those who respect you and understand Maintain rituals on significant dates. (You can prepare the food he liked best, hold a celebration with needy children, watch a movie that reminds him ...

Decide when you will be ready to dispose of your child's belongings.



 

The time to ask for help

(Keep the most significant ones, this will not hurt you, if you can use his clothes in another child?)

If he were alive would not you use them?

Remembering your child, not just linking his death, that was a part, and the dreams? And the memories?

Deepen your spirituality Not thinking about what is 'normal', but it does him good, since the process of mourning is individual, private and nontransferable

- He does not accept the new reality and cannot take on new roles; -You feel compelled to imitate or assume habits and characteristics of your child's personality;

It is important to realize if you cannot go through the process of mourning alone, there are clear signs that it is time to ask for help. Seek support if you:

-Have physical symptoms such as those experienced by your child before death;

-Have self-destructive thoughts;

- Excluded friends and family members;

- Does not feel like going to social events;

- You cannot relate to the children who stayed;

- You feel many difficulties of sharing the suffering;

Everything will depend on the time and intensity of the reactions. Nobody better than you to evaluate when it's time to ask for help. Often counseling is enough, not requiring specialized follow-up.

29

Is it better to suffer or "forget"?

Each one has a moment, to suffer or to forget, both deserve respect. It is worth remembering that no one holds such an experience forever, in addition there are great possibilities of this to have consequences, the way is not avoiding pain but through pain.

Many mothers who go through this tragedy engage in excessive activities in an attempt to block sadness only to find that it returns at night. The most certain thing is to respect your moment, your feelings and not try to pretend it did not happen. Seeking to demonstrate that you have not been affected by loss by avoiding contact with pain seems to be linked to the desire not to hear more comments that minimize your pain and make you remember your suffering. But it is important that you know that this pain, this suffering, is a consequence of the love you feel for your child; you're far from him, but one day it was already close. You have the right to shed every tear that comes, and also to allow a smile to appear when you remember happy days with it, that's the good part of remembering. Do not admit that good memories go along with the search for the annulment of pain, this is the most coherent direction for those who seek to live with the absence of a child.

How is the treatment?

The approach used in psychological counseling in mourning situations provides a safe space to help you recognize your pain as a natural part of the grieving process; allowing you to feel your emotions, as well as feelings of emptiness and loss of meaning in life without judgments, considering your own resources and coping strategies, as well as assisting you to resume your family and social support network. Psychology also contributes in an important way to the adaptation of its new reality and the adjustment of the discordance between the current reality and the life it has dreamed of, as well as it assumes a preventive character in view of the possibility of major complications arising from this experience.

Throughout the approach, it shows ways for you to reinvest in affective relationships and in living, even if the separation caused by the absence of your child is a reason for such pain, the process inherent in its elaboration throughout life is fundamental for your mental health, while promoting the rebuilding of your psychic resources and readjustment to the changes, think about it, talking about your loss with a psychologist is an act of courage but do not forget, training is key to a careful quality, always look for a professional specialized in mourning therapy.

30

Is Anesthetic Pain really the way out?

Mourning is a normal process that unfortunately becomes necessary for you to reestablish. The sadness is deep, almost unbearable, but it should not be medicated. In order for grief to occur naturally, it will be necessary to deal with painful emotions that oscillate without the help of medicines, although they seem to help the moment you ingest them, there will be consequences in your recovery. Psychiatric medication is indicated for specific cases when there

are psychiatric conditions that accompany the process, such as anxiety disorders or clinical depression. Do not self-medicate. Your emotions will organize over time, as the daily life is reorganized, the adaptation to the new routine will happen slowly with the support of family and friends. Sometimes psychological intervention is necessary, which may be in the form of counseling or psychotherapy with a focus on mourning.

Writing as a therapeutic resource

understood as therapeutic, because it organizes the traumatic experience and elaborates the invisible loss socially. The spoken discourse, fundamental tool of work in the psychology, makes impossible the resumption after emitted, already the writing allows greater reflective character, considering that allows the rereading. Written emotional expression also improves overall physical and mental health, but writing may not be sufficient to meet emotional needs after loss, but it is a valuable resource as it keeps alive the memory of the child who left besides helping other mothers who have had the same experience.

How to talk about what it would not be possible at first to even consider?

Because many mothers find it difficult to use writing in diaries, websites and blogs, the lack of space to demonstrate grief is something very striking.

Nowadays it is usual to find online spaces about intimate feelings after the loss, in addition to being able to express themselves, there is much social support present in these places, undeniable factor of aid. In addition, writing was

31

How's the wedding?

Marriage is greatly impacted by the loss of a child. The characteristics of the relationship will obviously be affected by the way each partner expresses their pain.

Communication tends to get complicated, as the mother may feel alone in her mourning, while the father may find himself struggling to contain his pain in order to spare his wife's suffering. Often also, one spouse tends to accuse the other of the child's death, even if this accusation is not always clearly expressed, it appears as lack of patience and irritability towards the "guilty."

Parents have to realize that they are unique people and that they will experience mourning in different ways, that one can openly express their emotions while the other will keep them to themselves.

One will begin to work without stopping, while the other will always feel tired, one will like to remember memories and the other want to forget them. It takes a lot of understanding and tolerance to let each one live their mourning in their own way, without feeling threatened. The death of a child can also disturb the sexual life of the couple, one can see increased sexual appetite, while the other will happen the opposite. It is very important that, from the outset, there is dialogue and patience between the spouses so that this sad reality does not cause a distance, often coming to a separation, because it is in the companion that support will often be found.

The emotional intensity of one parent's grieving may seem disproportionate to the other's, usually each experiencing a period of acute pain followed by some improvement, when he can reach this moment, he feels overwhelmed by the other who enters a new moment of sadness.

32

What about religion / spirituality?

You may feel guilty, your past beliefs will now make no sense, not just in regard to religiosity. For example, he believed in the goodness of mankind and lost his murdered son, then he will question what he has always believed. Their beliefs and values may change in the face of this tragedy, and over time new ones can be adopted and old ones revalidated or transformed. One example is that, most of the time, even if they do not understand or follow the Spiritist doctrine, mothers look for centers in search of a letter from their son and when they finally succeed, they see that they did not seek this, but rather the son. Consider whether there is a need for an intermediary between you and your child; after all the greatest loving authority was given to you! Try to close your eyes, make contact with what you consider sacred, observing within your heart that love that only you know how strong you are and will feel his presence. Among these feelings there will

also be doubts that extend to God or the higher being in whom you believe, the questions: "Why? "Among other things, your heart may feel a lot of revolt, but as for God, do not blame yourself, He knows the pain you experience, then you will realize what you felt about Him! The important thing is to try not to ask concentrated questions in the past: "Why did this happen?" Instead, seek to ask the question that opens the door to the future: "Now that this has happened, what can I do?" This part of your life called spirituality is essential because it is an alternative to the sudden interruption of living together with your child. It also plays the crucial role of comforting and through it you will often be able to relate to Him. Many religions believe in a reunion, regardless in the way or where it may happen, you will often try to act according to the morals that make you worthy to review your child.

The children who remained In the midst of chaos, in that sink of grief that becomes our existence so often we forget that they also suffer. In the eagerness to seek and remember incessantly all that we live with our deceased son, we forget the children who are alive. They may suffer not only for the loss of their brother, but also for our difficulty in providing them with structure, stability, and protective care. In addition, they suffer at our side and are saddened to see so much sadness around us. Our living children must be saved from our despair, we must pause our heartache and also understand their pain. It is important to consider that they may feel responsible and incapable of alleviating our pain, which can bring serious complications to their psychological development. It can also generate a situation of revolt in relation to the brother who died even if they had a very special relationship together.

For this not to happen, we must show our love, so that they know that they are equally loved, always avoiding comparisons between the living children and the idealized son who died.

33

Getting pregnant, adopting, or neither?

their own way finds reasons to live, at work, in their parents, in their pet dog.

No matter what helps, it matters that you can ease the pain and move on your way.

That is to have empathy, this is to understand mourning as an individual process. So is this decision to have other children or not, it will fit you and your partner in your time. Understand that no son really will replace the one who passed away and throughout his gestation is likely to be afraid of losing him and may overprotect him his whole life, but remember that each child, like us, is unique and has its own history to trace. There will arise many doubts and fears, and this is absolutely normal, the advice is always the same, respect your time and your feelings. It will be another battle, if you decide to accept it, you will find that it really will not erase the pain, but it will have the power to brighten your life.

The dream of a new baby after the loss has become a double-edged sword. In many social networking groups and apps designed to talk about "rainbow babies" there is a rampant search for a new gestation. Usually in pursuit of a type of healing, unconsciously spreading the idea that a new child will replace the other one or will relieve the pain. Indeed, they bring joy to live in part, but we must reflect if this baby will find a healthy environment to grow with love and affection, once understood that it will not lighten the grief or replace what departed. Also, many angel mothers can not or do not want to have another child, so should they not see hope in the future? We need to learn that each in

34

How to get along with friends and family?

to "heal" your own time, be faithful to what you feel, even if it means disappointing others. In time you will recover, but before that you will have to cry and talk about your child over and over, you will be more impatient and sometimes irritated. You should not forget that important dates can be particularly difficult, so accept invitations to participate actively in the preparation of the celebrations, as it may help you not feel so alone. If you prefer to stay at home, stay, because you feel that you will not rejoice dining outside for example, for a moment, a month or more, suffer, feel. Allow your mourning and help yourself by not accepting interference. Sometimes you will receive a phone call, a flower, a visit, a hug, accept these gestures yes, but please, do not try to force joy. Simply show that you appreciate the attitude, because the person is just expressing how much they esteem.

It will do no good to try to quell the pain.

Family communication is vital during the course of adapting to loss, and in addition, a trusting environment with empathic responses and tolerance to various reactions is essential. Wellmeaning, but uninformed friends and family may try to make you develop selfcontrol, masking or escaping mourning, causing anxiety, confusion, distress and even depression. It is best not to let them interfere, just accept their presence and support. Prevent it when you persistently urge it to recompose itself to redo your life or to pressure you to return to your daily activities. It is normal not to want to participate in society and only do what is strictly necessary (like working, for example), so do not rush. Allow yourself

35

For those who want to help As people willing to help, it is possible to be empathic, doing the exercise of putting yourself in the mother's place, offering a space for shelter, either through the preparation to listen, the embrace that comforts or even the silence that understands and welcomes. This is the best way to take care of yourself without invading and comforting yourself without using ready and unnecessary speeches.

Franciele Sassi

36

â€œâ€ŚFrom the bottom of my heart I thank you for your attempt to help me, I know your only intention is to see me better. I am aware that only in my mourning, in all your challenging tasks, will I ever be able to reach something closer to the so-called normality, please read this chapter to understand how, at the moment, I believe I can be helped. I hope you understand my appeal and try to understand that I really need your support, your presence, but that at the moment, I need it in my terms ...â€?

The world remains happy, while she has lost a child and not allow her to express her feelings is an aggression, for fear that the beloved son is forgotten, ends up with the task, often uncomfortable, to remind everyone that he existed, who had a history and made a difference in her life and others. So when they are not apart, they often feel undesirable in their circles and end up distancing themselves, feeling very alone, because they feel that people are not prepared to give the support they need. We know that to touch on this subject is not an easy thing, if it were, we would not hold ourselves to the impossibilities, the

exceptions, and the days of pain that death registers in our lives. In that case you must be asking yourself, "So what can I do to help you?", It is family and / or friends who are in direct contact with the bereaved woman who make all the difference in the mourning process.

There is a lot of inadequate and insensitive information that can harm the natural phenomenon and expected after the loss, in any case, anyone can leave speaking what they think about the subject, so we put some tips below elaborated by experts on how to help, at first the main you already have: the will!

Come on

37

On funeral The intention may be good, but much of what is done to try to contain the pain of others' grief has the opposite effect; if we want to help, we can prevent it from being amplified by the often unconscious practice of "conventional" gestures and attitudes "Toward the mother. In the event of a gestational loss funeral, do not think about missing, you would not miss a child's funeral.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

IT IS BETTER TO SAY

"How are you? "

"It must be difficult for you right now"

Faced with this question, she will probably respond "I'm fine" rather than actually express herself.

Recognizes that she is going through a very painful time and does not underestimate her feelings, giving her chance to suffer her mourning without charges.

'He's in a better place'

I feel sorry for your suffering"

You do not know that, do you?

Indeed, I would have prevented it, if it could be prevented from happening

"You can still have another child"

"Talk about your love"

What she understands with this sentence is that the child that is gone is replaceable

Instead of focusing on the future, allow her to share memories by being an active listener

"I know what you're feeling"

“I can imagine what you're feeling "

The experience of loss is always absolutely personal

It's best to give her a chance to tell you how she really feels about what to say something instead of her

"He would have preferred it to be so"

“I would like to honor you like this"

Unless your departed son left clear instructions on what he wanted, there is no way to know his preferences

Use your own memories about the child and prefer to talk about the relationship between you and what you talk about

"You're dealing with this better than I expected"

You must not be fine, all right!

By giving her the freedom to feel as she wishes, even if some time has passed since her son's death, it is reassuring to recognize that every moment without him is difficult.

The mother may just be wearing a "happy face" and her statement may reinforce the idea that she should be suffering more from the loss of her child, or that she is suffering a lot

NEVER say: Nothing

“Remember when...? ”

Many people say nothing to their mother and never mention the name of the child who died because they feel uncomfortable

Divide the memory of her son, even when you are not part of her inner circle, to tell something that she experienced with him giving her a perspective on her son she could not have otherwise.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

IT IS BETTER TO SAY

38

Day to day Pain is bearable when we can believe that it will come to an end and not when we pretend that it does not exist.

Over there Bozarth-Campbell

HELP Look into the eye, be simple and sincere Be present: call, pay a visit Understand that there is no "normal" or "abnormal" time in the grieving process Whoever, who are outside the situation, quickly understands that the child who died will not return.

But respect her time, usually we do not have the patience to wait for the time of the other.

Understand that there is no right or wrong way to process the grieving process

Get in touch on difficult dates Christmas, birthday ... dead anniversaries, and allow any reaction from her. If she wants, on your shoulder will be better. l Encourage her to speak, allowing her to lead the conversation, and be prepared to listen Creating a welcoming environment which in the mother can express herself.

DOES'NT HELP Act as if nothing had happened Run away from her Impose a chronological time limit on suffering through mourning Determine a deadline for her to go ahead, and use the term: 'overcome', forcing an improvement to make you feel better Make comparisons of her reaction with others Even when the intention is to congratulate her "strength" the effect is that you will trivialize suffering of others, in addition she may be broken a million pieces inside and will forced to maintain that appearance not lose the admiration of people like you Suppress the tears of others It's hard to see someone we like to burst into tears. But the crying that bothers us can do very well to those who are crying.

It presses her to speak when she is not willing or speak other matters to divert the subject loss, or even, to talk about just about it.

Listen to the stories she loves to remember About the happy days, hopes and dreams with the son or about facts of the good times lived with him, look at photos. For her this maybe the way to bring him close and preserve his memory.

Let her share what she feels Do not judge.

Do nothing more than offer a friend shoulder and let her cry at will.

Invite her out, even if just for a quiet walk in a beautiful place.

Se Offer to do practical tasks

Don’t listen to remember the moments with her child because it will make you sadder.

Pretend to know what she is feeling To judge.

Moral or social judgment only makes the path more difficult. There is no label or code of what to do for a good conduct for mourning.

Delete it from invitations.

Who should decide whether or not to attend is her. You choosing for her will reinforce the sensation of her becoming a social nuisance.

Protocol phrases like

39

Solve bank issues, take and get her other child from the school, help in the house tasks ... she will hardly know what she really needs. Do this not only in the first week, but for weeks or months.

"Count on me for what you need " "If you need to call me"

Bring together people who make her feels good.

Taking pampering that represents the affection that everyone has and that speak more than a thousand words: a cake, a vase of flowers, a book, a chocolate.

Search guilty.

Doctors, attitudes, on the labor, this will only aggravate her suffering, worse still if it is in a tone of gossip.

Speaking things that start with "I remember" Have Empathy!

If you allow yourself to be in a situation of discomfort, if you cannot put yourself in this terrible place, at least do not deny or make her pain worse.

Speaking things that start with "at least" Make comparisons.

It is difficult to deal with this kind of tragedy, but countering with other losses or telling "worse" loss history does not help to ease her pain.

Say the name of the child There's a lot of power in a name

Refer to the child as if he were not someone with a unique existence. Even in gestational loss, the baby generated is an irreplaceable being.

40

Family Help

and care, dealing more actively with problems, helping one another, softening loneliness, favoring mourning. In the circle of familiar coexistence, the mother needs to have her emotions accepted and understood. The group may not agree with the feelings expressed by it, but try to be able to understand, which is all that the mother needs.

The mother's grieving process affects all other subsystems and is affected by them, the families that best face this path are the most united. They are better able to tolerate individual differences, have more open communication, including greater emotional sharing, finding more support

Friends help

demands, first of all, respect and delicacy. It does not matter if you have more or less intimacy with her, it is fundamental to express the feelings, it is no use pretending that nothing happened, nor will help to avoid it as if it bears a contagious disease. It's best to say "I'm sorry" and ask if there's anything you can do.

Generally, people who have always been close friends are awkward and tense in the presence of the mother who loses a child, in contrast it seems that those who have gone through this experience will be close. Regardless of who is going to live with the mother it is always good to remember that well-meaning but illinformed friends can overwhelm her by covering up her feelings. It is also worth remembering what we have already mentioned in this booklet: every mourning is unique! The moment

41

In the work environment

recovery for gossiping behind her back, nor should they show irritation if she is doing her work with less energy or efficiency. The way is to express feelings as soon as it returns, in a simple and direct way. "I am so sorry for your loss".

"My condolences" suffice, many people fail to say the basics because they think they need to write very special phrases, when a genuine and brief expression is a delicate and welcome gesture, you can also invite them to the cafe or offer company in the lunch usually speaking of any subject, the mother does not want to be only on the subject of her suffering, even so, if one day witnesses a scene of crying or despair, do not ignore or invade, just respect reality at last for it is hard and sometimes emerges for no apparent reason. Always have a respectful and welcoming procedure.

There are mothers who, after losing a child, plunge into work as a way of feeling that life is resuming its course, but there is also one that needs more time and isolation or returns to work and does not feel able to perform its tasks with equal efficiency and speed, is most often the first "RE-CONTACT" with the "real world" after the loss. Colleagues should act with respect, but they should not change the pace or the lightness and joy of the environment in relation to the mother. It is advisable for people to show understanding, but do not take a disconsolate stance before it. As in any relationship with a bereaved person, colleagues should not charge her prompt

42

Can the company help?

More than granting a temporary leave *, there are many other ways to give assistance to the mother who loses a child who can make a difference in the resumption of work for example: 





 



Informing and guiding other employees about the loss and welcoming of colleagues is fundamental: do not run away, do not look away, listen, offer to help, talk, embrace, are very positive attitudes.

Anticipation of holidays: anticipating vacations may be better than having a medical leave; Temporary change of sector being previously combined for the mother to feel comfortable.

Availability of home office work, if possible.

Flexibility of the schedule in the first month after the loss: allowing the mother to change work schedules without burden can favor the reorganization of her routine and personal life.

Funeral and / or legal aid: costs for funeral, cemetery and legal aid for the preparation of postmortem documents (certificates, insurance ...), these practical issues become complicated in the midst of the mourning process.

* This license is provided by law and establishes that the worker may be absent, without deduction of salary, from 2 to 9 working days, depending on the legal status of the employee (by contract or public servant) and the degree of kinship with the deceased.

43

Against the pain, love.

Against nostalgia, hope.

Against emptiness, charity.

44

Many Angel mothers find in giving and charity a new north for their life. They often embrace the cause of the absent child. Not only in giving of objects and financial resources, but also in giving of themselves, of their time, of their mother's lap. It is the maternal love that overcomes sadness, it is the claw of a woman who does not surrender, it is affection with the legacy left by the beloved who left. These mothers are not an example of overcoming, even because the loss of a child is not something to be overcome, they are examples of how to build something good after the destruction that the loss of a child causes in the life of a mother. Get to know the story of Priscila Danda Prietsch Trassantes, Larissa and Clarissa Rocha Lupi, women who have turned their pain into a way to helping others.

After the twins Larissa and Clarissa suffered gestational loss in the same year and same maternity, they found strengths in creating the project "From Mourning to Struggle" which aims to offer support to those affected by the loss, as well as raising awareness among health professionals and society, through a psychoeducational work seeking to break the silence and the taboo about mourning, through homages such as the photographic campaign and the book "Stories of love in gestational and neonatal loss."

"It is the way that my mother Pri chose to honor the memory of her daughter Alissa, helping those who need it with donations of clothes, shoes, furniture, toys and sweets in hospitals, orphanages and in the most needy streets of the city of Pelotas / RS, thus being born the Caravan #AlissaFaceira remembering the name of his daughter and smile, a small name.

45

As requested by NGO beloved Helena, they believed on this project: Consulting: Dc. Karina Polido, Dc. Franciele Sassi, Dc. Adriana Thomaz Layout: Tatiana Maffini Organization e reviey: Flávia Rott e Tatiana Maffini Translation: Dc. Maria Helena Franco Illustrations: Michel Mims, Mary Andrew e FreepicK Help this booklet to get better and achieve more mothers of Angels, send your suggestions to ong.amadahelena@gmail.com Our sincere thanks to the psychologists who so readily accepted to embrace this neglected cause and has collaborated in innumerable actions to support the mothers who lost their children, among them the advice of this booklet. Also the illustrators for the sensitivity portrayed in each drawing bringing lightness to such an arid theme. In addition, we thank everyone who in some way enables her to reach many mothers who suffer from emotional loss after the loss.

Research source: Artigos disponibilizados no site lelu.com.br; -Quando os filhos dizem adeus - Concepções sobre morte e luto -A Escrita como recurso terapêutico no luto -A maior dor do mundo: O luto materno - Luto, tabu e ambivalência afetiva -Teclando com os mortos.

Dra. Adriana Thomaz – Processo de luto: o inevitável percurso face a inevitabilidade da morte Sites: - Vamos Falar Sobre o Luto - Modern Loss - Grieving Mothers

Made by NGO beloved Helena

46