The Ontarion - 183.13 by The Ontarion

I S S U E 1 8 3.1 3 | N OV. 30, 201 7

06 | THE TRUTH ABOUT U OF G A D M I N I ST RAT I O N

1 0 | E XC LU S I V E IN T E RV I E W WI T H STA R AT H L E T E T I A N N N A N TA I S

1 5 | ACTO R TO M C R U I SE ESTA B L I S H ES N E W CH U R C H I N G U E L P H

16 | The light and dark sides of Guelphâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Mayor Cam Guthrie

YES, WE CAM

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NEWS

THE CONTRARION

0 5 | PAT R I -A POLOGY

05 | COSTCO CONSPIRACY

@Ont ar i on _ News

Mayor lashes out over missing Homecoming party invite #NotGuelphProud, Guthrie tweets T I A N N N A N TA I S

ON SUNDAY, SEPT. 24,

Mayor Cam Guthrie took to Twitter to clap back at U of G homecoming partygoers. In a Cam-Cam video filmed from his car, Guthrie detailed in great length the homecoming party that he threw for himself and the First Lady of Guelph (FLOG), after having been left out of all student organized activities. This video was just one in a series of webcam vlogs that the Mayor of Guelph, local basketball hustler, drummer of Fitness Club Fiasco, and famed Guelph Royals player has uploaded to his very popular YouTube channel. In the video, Guthrie calls out U of G students for hosting parties that were not accessible to all members of the community. Guthrie stated, “The Gryphon pledge says that Gryphons will ‘create space for diverse voices to be heard.’ But when I look at photos of your par ties on

Mayor Cam Guthrie was #NotGuelphProud of students for the lack of diversity at their homecoming parties. | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

Instagram, there are no mayors.” He then referred to the oversight as unacceptable behaviour, noting that he and the FLOG did not receive a single invitation to a pancake kegger or post-game party.

According to his Twitter feed, Guthrie stated that he would be filing a complaint of mayorism with the Diversity and Human Rights office on campus.

When I look at photos of your parties on Instagram, there are no mayors.

Mayor blames Guelph bus drivers for getting sick Cam Guthrie to drive all routes to avoid service interruptions L E X I E TAY LO R

and November, Guelph transit routes have been repeatedly interrupted when bus drivers called in sick or cancelled overtime shifts. Riders are growing frustrated by the lack of reliability. In response to this frustration, a representative from the city, Pauline Flack, suggested riders download the Google Maps app, which allows users to track their buses and see just how late they’re going to be — or if they’re coming at all. “This way,” said Flack, “if you’re halfway through your journey and waiting downtown for your transfer, you can reschedule that job interview you have in 10 minutes.”

TH R O U G H O U T O C TO B E R

Alternatively, she said, you can follow Guelph Transit on Twitter and Facebook to get notified that the entire route has been cancelled five minutes after the bus’s scheduled arrival time. In an interview with Guelph Today, Guthrie suggested that workers were calling in sick as a way of gaining leverage in labour negotiations. On Twitter, Guthrie himself has promised that he will take it upon himself to fix the cancellation issue. “Since I never get sick, I’ve decided to drive all the routes that need me,” he said in a Cam-Cam video subsequently posted to Twitter. “No matter how many routes they need me for, I’ll be there, manning all the bus routes on my own.” Guthrie also noted that “it will provide some quality content for my dash cam: the Cam-Cam.” Guelph Transit was unable to comment at the time of publishing due to their spokesperson being out with the flu.

Beginning in December, Mayor Guthrie will drive all unmanned bus routes at once. PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

I S SU E 18 3.1 3

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| FA K E

Local man apologizes for patriarchy An experiment gone terribly wrong M I R A L I A L M AU L A

who has asked to remain anonymous due to safety concerns, contacted The Contrarion to admit that he inadvertently created the patriarchy. As part of a team of researchers seeking to understand the space-time continuum, the man learned that although matter could not time travel, ideas could. “In order to test the hypothesis that ideas could be sent into the past,” the man said, “I suggested the most extreme dif ference to society, the most ridiculous notion I could think of: a patriarchal society. We would be able to see if this idea, sent back to the beginning of humankind, had any impact on the present. Once we collected our data and noted the differences, we planned to return things to the way they were. No harm done, we thought.” In fact, irreparable harm was done. The systemic oppression of women over millennia led to the

A LOCAL MAN,

Costco revealed to be just an empty warehouse

technology that allowed for ideas to be sent back in time to cease existing. “We thought it would be humorous to decide that men were more powerful in society than women just because, at a certain point in time, most men were stronger physically,” he said. “In my world, men and women were equal in every way. I mean, giving birth and bleeding for a week once a month takes strength, so it never really occurred to us that men were strong and women weren’t.” When asked whose last name is taken at the time of marriage, if both are equal, he furrowed his brow and shook his head slowly, as if to say, ‘who gives a fuck?’ “I’m the only one who remembers the world as it was,” he said. “I can’t undo what I’ve done. The women who were fundamental in developing the technology, in the best case scenario, didn’t pursue engineering, and in the worst case scenario, were never born.” When asked about what happened to the other men on his team, he explained that their mothers, grandmothers, and so on didn’t make it, many of them due to the abortion of female fetuses or the lack of access to education that would allow them to better their

Please apologize to all the women out there for me. LOCAL MAN

Anonymous source sorry for society that encourages half the population to get brazilian waxes. | PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

lives. He added that it was a statistical anomaly that anyone made it and that he was unsure why he was still able to recall what had happened. Perhaps it’s the universe’s way of punishing him for the stupidest prank in the history of the world, he lamented.

Niagara College to offer courses in “Ashing Hella Blunts, Fam” School details new “it’s lit-centric” Costco is a ploy, says leaked confidentiality agreements. PHOTO COURTESY OF GLOBAL NEWS

Wholesale store a huge lie C H E RY L V E R S C H U E R E N

THE WORLD was shocked this week to discover that Costco Wholesale has been imaginary this entire time. Since 1976, millions of people worldwide have been lying to trick the rest of us into thinking that the impossible store is a real place. Leaked copies of corporate confidentiality agreements reveal that the company has been bribing millions of people with enormous jars of Nutella to convince nonmembers that it is possible to sell every product in the world under one roof. Inclusion in the conspiracy is awarded to anyone who

“It’s devastating to think that, in all of history, this is the closest to the equality of my world that your world has ever reached, yet the President of the United States was elected after bragging about grabbing women by the pussy. I can’t fathom how it is still being

discussed whether women can drive in some parts of the world. Please apologize to all the women out there for me. I’m sorry for victim-blaming, the fact that there are victims at all, breastfeeding-shaming, the wage gap, and all the things you do because some man decided that’s what women should be like — especially Brazilian waxes!” he said as horror filled his eyes. He explained that he got a Brazilian wax in order to better understand just what he had done and is still unable to sit comfortably. “There’s more to be sorry for, I know there’s more, but I can’t — I’m just sorry for all of it,” he said while sobbing on my shoulder.

buys a membership while “Costco Ninjas” hunt down those suspected of betraying the membership. “Well, what did you think?” says our informant, who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of the Costco Ninjas. “How could you believe that there’s really a store that sells everything under the sun, including gas? I mean, the website says they sell five-pound gummy bears!” Despite the fact that the secret is officially out, many Guelph students still hopelessly maintain the lie. “No, it really is real!” said psychology student Kayla McFaeknaem. “Costco is where I got my first pet.” Costco has never pretended to sell live animals. Other students show signs of lingering brainwashing, insisting

curriculum M AT T E O C I M E L L A R O & W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

“Well, what did you think?” that their parents shop at Costco all the time, despite having never seen the inside of the store. Thousands of others remain in the dark thanks to the lies of their friends and loved ones. Critics are now turning on IKEA, alleging that a store that sells furniture as well as meatballs could never be real.

announced this week that it would complement its new program in commercial cannabis production with a certificate in “getting the most outta that gram.”

NIAGARA COLLEGE

LECT URE CLASSES INCLUD E:

• Getting That Smell Off Your Clothes • Splitting Swishers • Blunt Bandaging 101 U P P E R-Y EA R OF F ERING S FO C U S ON:

• Soloing a Pack of Backwoods • Joints vs Blunts • Reggie and Gas: How to Tell the Difference

PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

T he c ol le g e h a s no t y e t announced who will spearhead the department. However, it is rumoured that Wiz Khalifa has been hired as an instructor. Niagara C ollege’s “A shing Hella Blunts, Fam” certificate will inaug urate in fall 2018 following the legalization of cannabis next summer.

CAMPUS NEWS

THE CONTRARION

07 | G U E LPH G R E E N?

07 | LEARN GTA SL ANG

@Ont ar i on _ News

Student discovers U of G administration are Lizard People From Brenda Whiteside to President Vaccarino, all are masked reptilians, student alleges M AT T E O C I M E L L A R O

ON THURSDAY, Evan Rupert, a second-year human resources management student, accidentally walked onto the fourth floor of the UC while looking for the Financial Resources Office. “I was suddenly on the fourth floor without realizing it,” Rupert said in an interview with The Contrarion. “I took a side staircase and I guess I walked up more stairs than I thought.” When Rupert couldn’t find a single person on the fourth floor, he ended up in a board room extension. What he saw inside was “shocking and disturbing.” “[The administration] were all in this board room. They had their human masks off. There were heat lamps everywhere, and they all had scales and long pink tongues,” Rupert said. This is the third reported sighting of Lizard People among the campus administration. The first came when a student noticed President Franco Vaccarino blink sideways at a 2014 commencement ceremony.

Ellen Morowitz, a third-year biology student, saw Brenda Whiteside, associate vice-president student affairs, eat a fly while unveiling the yellow “friendship bench” in April. “I was walking past when they opened that yellow bench thing,” Morowitz said. “I swear I saw a tongue snap out of her mouth to catch a fly. But I don’t know. [The tongue] was so quick.” Many students have suspected that President Vaccarino and other senior administrators were Lizard People, most notably after a series of recent attempts to

connect with students came off as “phony” and “robotic,” according to Rupert. When asked if Rupert believes with absolute certainty that the admin are in fact Lizard People, Rupert responded, “Hundo P.” To address the suspicions, The Contrarion spoke with President Vaccarino who vehemently denies the claims. “I, a nd a ll the wonder f ul people in this of fice, are in no way, shape, or form Lizard People,” Vaccarino said, adjusting his heat lamp.

They had their human masks off. There were heat lamps everywhere, and they all had scales and long pink tongues. President Franco Vaccarino’s human-mask slips during end of term message on U of G’s YouTube channel. | PHOTO COURTESY OF UOFGUELPH YOUTUBE CHANNEL

EVAN RUPERT U OF G STUDENT

The second sighting was when

Guelph student thrilled to finish full newspaper article Campus success story defies all odds HAMA AD SHEHZAD

SHAUN HENDRICKSON, a third-year

President Franco Vaccarino congratulated the student on making it through the entire article. | PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

business student at the University of Guelph, read a full newspaper article for the first time in his life late Thursday night. After completing the article about local martial artist Nathan Skoufis, Hendrickson immediately reached out to The Contrarion to express his excitement over his achievement. “I don’t like to call myself an intellectual, but I read the article in 15 minutes while sitting on the bus. I was this close to checking out and just staring at this mole on the

neck of the guy in front of me, but I pressed on, and I even missed my bus stop because of how much my brain was into it,” Hendrickson told The Contrarion. “It was truly an exhilarating moment.” President Franco Vaccarino was just as thrilled as Hendrickson about the achievement: “Here at the University of Guelph, we constantly strive for the type of excellence that Shaun has displayed. Our purpose is to ‘Improve Life,’ and I can’t think of a better improvement to my life than a 21-year-old reading a 500-word article about a local karate guy.”

I F YO U WA N T TO R E A D A WHOLE ARTICLE LIKE SHAUN, VISIT OUR WEBSITE: THEONTARION.COM

I don’t like to call myself an intellectual, but I read the article in 15 minutes while sitting on the bus. SHAUN HENDRICKSON U OF G STUDENT

I S SU E 18 3.1 3

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| FA K E

University announces new plan to highlight green image Administration moves to literally paint campus green SPENCER MCGREGOR

staff and students have raised concerns about the $30 million that the University of Guelph has invested in fossil fuels, the university administration is going ahead with a transparent publicity stunt meant to boost their green image. Already, solar panels have been installed on the roof of Raithby House, facing northward, away from the sun. When asked about the reasoning behind their positioning, vice-president of finance, Don O’Leary, responded that while there are plenty of flat roofs on campus that get more sunlight, this location was the most visible. Another recent project is the

WHILE SOME

truck that drives around campus with the “Green Gryphon Initiative” logo painted on the side as a sort of mobile billboard to advertise the school’s growing concern for the environment. One student even noticed the driver of the truck toss a Nestlé water bottle out of the window to protest the controversial beverage company. Furthermore, a fairly new bike shelter has been installed on campus that appears to have a plant or two growing on top. A green roof is a great idea, if you ignore the cost and amount of concrete and other resources required for construction. More importantly, green roofs are trendy, so Guelph just had to have one. Despite all of these initiatives, the U of G admin are not quite satisfied with their green efforts and want something even more visibly green. A plan put forward last year has been approved, so that starting in the spring, the exterior walls of MacKinnon, the UC, and the library are going to be painted a bright green, so that no one will be able to walk by

U of G’s green initiatives include this neat logo. PHOTO COURTESY OF UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH

No one will be able to walk by without realizing how very green our school is. without realizing how very green our school is. When asked about concerns regarding the University’s large investment in fossil fuel companies, O’Leary responded, “Is that really what we should be concerned about? Look at how full the parking lots are. We should be focusing on how many students drive to school.” Before the interviewer had a chance to respond, O’Leary quickly added, “Stupidsayswhat?” before hopping into the sidecar of an idling motorcycle and then driving away.

These solar panels don’t get much sun, but remind students how great Guelph is. PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

New program helps students finally understand their GTA friends Language group closes cultural gap

GTA SLANG

FIONA CASHELL

about coming to university is being able to learn from the experiences and perspectives of people from all walks of life. However, one of the greatest hurdles to overcome in order to make these connections happen is the language barrier. Even students who grew up only hours apart can come face to face with this unfortunate obstacle. Fortunately, a new language pairing program at the University of Guelph, Its A Learning Ting, is looking to close this cultural gap. “It wasn’t until I came to Guelph that I realized this difference even existed,” says second-year participant and long-time Thunder Bay resident Grace Longley. “I have no clue what my friends from the GTA are saying — ever.” The group aims to first spread awareness of the slang that students from the Toronto, Brampton, and Mississauga area use in order to help students better understand each other. As commonplace as some of the phrases may be to students coming from the GTA, the slang often doesn’t make it outside the area.

Six slang terms to help you understand your GTA friends.

ONE OF THE GREATEST parts

SCRAP - fight REACH - meet me there SNAKE - to betray someone BARE - a lot

ng arni

Le Its a Ting

I RATE IT - I appreciate that CHEESED - Angered

New group blesses waste yutes who don’t understand the culture styll fam. | PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEETING

Group founder Kevin Adams realized there was a need for this service on campus after he experienced several misunderstandings with his own friends at U of G. “I would sometimes feel snaked by my friends, like if it had been a minute since I had last seen them and would ask them to reach the

library, they wouldn’t show up,” said Adams. After starting the group, Adams received great support from his peers. Currently, there are more people participating than their meeting space can handle; the club will be looking to obtain their own office on campus next year.

“I think this group is also settling a lot of misconceptions about people who use this slang,” Adams said. “Of course I know how to speak proper English, I’m in university. But this is how I speak when I’m in a chill situation, and I want my friends to know what I’m saying.”

I have no clue what my friends from the GTA are saying — ever.

ARTS & CULTURE THE CONTRARION

09 | R O C K BUCK E T CHA LLE NG E

09 | RUSSIA HAC KS F B

@Ont ar i on _ A r t s

New Guelph artist in residence brings Cam Guthrie erotica to Cam Guthrie’s office “Camerotica” specialist paints journey of passion W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

Cam Guthrie took to his Cam-Cam live stream this Monday to announce that Belinda Breakneck will be the 2018 Guelph artist in residence starting in January. Breakneck, who completed her MFA in 2012, specializes in erotic depictions of the mayor. Breakneck’s project, titled The Cam-A-Sutra, shows Cam Guthrie

MAYOR

exploring a fantastical underworld of t wisting, sweating, sensuous forms. “I am tantalized by erotic suggestions urging us to explore our shadowy side,” said Breakneck. “In my work on Cam Guthrie, I draw upon such cravings that seep through our pores. My artwork weaves fire and shadows with the human form to depict sensual passion.” The Cam-A-Sutra will be on display in Guthrie’s office at City Hall weekdays from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., except when the door is closed with a sock on the handle. “Crossing the Line” represents the beginning of Guthrie’s erotic journey. | ART COURTESY OF BELINDA BREAKNECK

Ampersand trumpeted as alternative

Stranger Things an unrealistic depiction of life in 2017 Series features PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

World hashtag supply running dangerously low

O N N E TF LI X

outdated technology and fashion PAT R I C K S U T H E R L A N D

Stranger Things has captivated audiences and introduced compelling young talents. However, focused storytelling and performances can only get you so far; Stranger Things has a serious problem and it’s rooted in its visual aesthetic. Stranger Things has somehow managed to create a visual style that is instantly dated, leaving the viewer to ask, “What were they thinking?” Everything from the set design to the props and choice of vehicles feels dated — as though it is a relic of some bygone era. Though other films and television series have suffered a similar fate, few feel so dated from the get-go.

NETFLIX’S PAT R I C K S U T H E R L A N D

released earlier this week by the United Nations High Commission on Hashtag Management declared an international state of emergency due to extremely low hashtag supplies. While the U.N.’s report highlights several large social media outlets such as Twitter and Facebook as the worst offenders, it is also careful to point out that individuals must curb their use as well. Some conservationists have recommended using the ampersand (&) as a resource-friendly

A BULLETIN

alternative to hashtags; however, few have picked up the habit. “Some just don’t think the ampersand will work as well, and the quality is much lower. Others just prefer the branding of the hashtag,” said Jennifer Naira of Save The Tag, a not-for-profit hashtag conservation group. “The thing most people don’t know is that the hashtag used to be the pound key on telephones,” said Naira, referring to the archaic 20th century tradition of signalling the end of mechanically entered numbers. “Now it’s been appropriated for

another use. There’s no reason we can’t do the same for an underused symbol such as the ampersand,” she added. Mark Idowu of the Hashtag Frontier disagrees, noting that “we are just setting ourselves up for depleting ampersand stocks around the world.” He instead emphasizes a return to traditional methods such as sharing a hyperlink via email or forwarding chain letters. “These methods worked for our ancestors who settled the internet over 250 months ago,” said Idowu. “Why can’t they work in this modern age?”

Take, for example, a film like Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. The prequel’s dated CGI has started to show its age, cementing the film as a visual relic, but when it first came out it at least enjoyed a brief period at the cutting edge. Why then does a series with the production budget of Stranger Things somehow manage to seem immediately out of date? Simple changes could have made a huge difference. For example, instead of using cassette players, characters could have streamed their favorite ’80s jams over Apple Music. Instead of taking on the monster with a slingshot, our heroes could have used their fidget spinners like ninja stars. The only thing we can hope for now is, in the tradition of Star Wars, a re-release using CGI to fix these painfully obvious issues. Until such a day comes, however, Stranger Things just doesn’t get what life in 2017 is like.

I S SU E 18 3.1 3

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

Rock bucket challenge a total smash hit New fad cracking skulls C AT C O O P E R

THERE’S A NEW viral trend crashing

PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

onto the internet scene: the rock bucket challenge. Already spreading to thousands of participants across YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook, the rock bucket challenge involves filling a bucket with rocks and dropping it on your head. “It’s not a great idea,” said one Guelph resident. “But I went for it. I grabbed some rocks and a bucket and just went for it.” Participants have been complaining of bruises and, in some extreme cases, goose eggs and black eyes. But the injured claim to have “no ragrets.” One University of Guelph student doesn’t think the rock bucket challenge is quite challenging enough. “People use anything from gravel to pebbles, but I think

if you’re going to do it, you have to commit,” said Narayan Subramonium, an avid follower of the viral trend. Subramonium is planning to put his own twist on the challenge by dropping a 1.2 tonne granite boulder on himself. “It’s going to be huge — both literally and on the web. I’ll be internet famous!” Subramonium said. Subramonium’s previous “challenge” videos have only a few views each, but with this adaptation of the popular new trend, he thinks his channel will be catapulted to the forefront of YouTube stardom, maybe even starting his own, separate trend. “I’m calling it the boulder challenge,” he said. “The boulder challenge is hardly original,” said another University of Guelph student, Julia Black. “I did the boulder challenge months ago, before all of this hype,” she said. Black completed the boulder challenge in July of this year, with a 1.7 tonne boulder. She posted the video of her completing the challenge on YouTube, but it has since been removed.

FB users with crappy background characters

Exhibition Park this Saturday, and is inviting all of his fellow University of Guelph students to attend.

Which character from The Oﬃce are you?

A R I A N A LO N G L E Y

fact that Facebook sells users’ personal information to corporations. These analytics determine the advertisements you view and shape your spending habits. However, big business isn’t the only force manipulating your Facebook feed. Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, recently released a statement admitting that the Russian government had hacked the popular social media site, but not to gain information about the United States population. Instead, they targeted personality quizzes centred around the theme, “What pop culture character are you?” The attack was first noticed after quiz results were reported as being inaccurate and consistent across all users. All results stated that users embodied characters that were considered pathetic or the butt of the joke and who played comparably small roles. One notable example comes from the quiz “Which character from The Office are you?” Every quiz taker received Toby, the human resources employee and divorcee that many major characters show disdain towards. The

PL AY LI S T

HEHEHEHE

BY: S A R A H S E U K E R A N

Russians hack Facebook personality quizzes Attack matches

T H I S P L AY L I S T H A S G OT SOME QUIRKY TUNES AS WELL AS SOME GOOD O L D C H I R P T R AC K S . G I V E YO U R S E L F A G I G G L E . YO U D E S E RV E I T!

Critics say trying to stop trend like banging head on wall.

“I was hacked,” Black said. Subramonium plans his attempt at the boulder challenge at

| FA K E

Skeleton Song Kate Nash The Trailer Song Kacey Musgraves She Left Me For Jesus Hayes Carll Fuck You Lily Allen Boo Boo Man (Mama Look a Boo Boo) Lord Melody and the Caribbean All Stars It Wasn’t Me Shaggy & Ricardo Ducent Hell On Heels Pistol Annies

IT’S A WIDELY KNOWN

(One of Those) Crazy Girls Paramore You Ain’t Woman Enough Loretta Lynn

PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

description read: “You are a small side character in the eyes of your peers. You contribute little to no value to the community and you are not very well liked. Your society is weak and does not have the strength to compete with Mother Russia.” Studies of Facebook users have shown that after taking these quizzes, overall happiness and trust in the Western way of life plummets. Web security expert and geopolitical commentator Cam Guthrie says there are two possible reasons for the attack on Facebook users. Guthrie explains that Putin may be trying to make American Facebook citizens distrustful of their government through these tests. The widely inaccurate results

may build skepticism in citizens, destabilizing the government and plunging the United States into chaos. An alternative theory is that Russians are trying to diminish the ego of the American people by fostering insecurities in civilians, so that if Russia ever invaded the United States, citizens would have no motivation to fight back. Russian ambassador to Canada Alexander Darchiev responded to Facebook’s announcement by saying, “Maybe it is time to face facts. Maybe you are not Simbas or Mufasas. Maybe you are a nation of tiny Zazus.” The Contrarion spoke to one Facebook user who took these quizzes.

When taking the Parks and Recreation quiz, Justin Major received Jerry/ Gary/Larry, the silent family man who has no drive and is actively tormented by his co-workers. “I was devastated when I got the result,” said Major. “At first I didn’t believe it. I got very angry that I had spent all this time doing a quiz that wasn’t even right. Then I started to think about it. I got so sad. What if the quiz was correct? I started to reflect on my life a little bit more after that. I started to think that maybe democracy isn’t the best form of government after all. We need a strong, charismatic leader who can teach the cranes of America to fly.”

Leave Me Alone C a lyp s o Ros e Ft . Machel Montano & Manu Chao Sweet As Whole Sara Bareilles Charmaine Plan B Smile Lily Allen Foundations Kate Nash

Ontarion Web

SPORTS & HEALTH

THE CONTRARION

1 0 | ON THE PR OCES S

1 1 | BASKETBAL L CAM

@ Ont ar i on _ S p o r t s

An exclusive interview with the Gryphons star scrapbooker, Tiann Nantais How a little glitter can make dreams come true T I A N N N A N TA I S

iann Nantais is the Gryphons’ star scrapbooker. She is a threetime OUA athlete of the week and a two-time national champion in the glitter-lettering division. Earlier this week, The Contrarion’s news editor, Tiann Nantais, sat down with scrapbooking champion Tiann Nantais to talk about the athlete’s journey to stardom and what it takes to become the best in the business. Tiann Nantais: What does a typical training day look like for you? Tiann Nantais: I start every morning with a quick trip to Michaels; I power walk both ways. I usually do a quick stretch before I flip through the coupon booklet, and then I always start in the sticker aisle for inspiration. I’ll perform my vocal warm-ups before I argue with the cashier about the validity of my coupons. TN: What do you normally eat before a competition? TN: Eat? Do you think I perfected a scalloped edge like this by wasting time eating? I have all meals blended with protein powder and fed to me through a straw. TN: What was your main strategy going into nationals? TN: I think I really played as a team in the OUA finals. I stayed optimistic, relied on my teammates, you know, me and myself both played a great game, and we were able to pull out a win. The other team was confident, they had some strong athletes, but at the end of the day, it was all about who could impress the judges with their photo placement. And we did. TN: Why did you choose the University of Guelph to pursue your athletic goals?

Glue-gun slinging.

Snorting glitter and taking names.

TN: U of G has some of the best facilities for craft development in the country. For years I’ve wanted to develop my own line of photo corners, but I just didn’t have the resources. Here I was able to work not only on my photo corner line, but I was also able to master a technique we like to call “The Martha,” which is essentially a 3D pop-up scrapbook made entirely of tissue paper. Being one of only three scrapbookers on the Guelph team (comprised of me, myself, and I), I received a lot of one-on-one attention. Plus, they offered me a full scrapbooking scholarship.

TN: When did you know scrapbooking was your sport? What made you want to devote yourself to the craft? TN: I’ve known since I was a kid that I was born to be a scrapbooker. Mother says I was a crafter before I could walk. She says I began to trim long before I could talk. While most kids were watching Dora after school, I was watching The Martha Stewart Show. While some kids were eating paste, I was using it to make delicate découpage boxes. Glitter runs through my blood. I take 10 milligram supplements of fine glitter with my morning protein shake. TN: What do you see for your future in scrapbooking? Do you see yourself going Pro? TN: I’ve been doing some really innovative things with borders; I mean, never been done before. Martha Stewart would blush if she saw these borders. Michaels has been hounding me about a licensing deal, but I want to hold out for other offers. So that puts me on track to make a solid million when I go free agent next year following graduation.

PHOTOS BY MATTEO CIMELLARO

O N TH E PRO C E S S

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| FA K E

Local drummer Cam Guthrie proves white men can jump Mayor of Guelph pays for Royals baseball team by “hustling” local courts M AT T E O C I M E L L A R O

has been playing basketball since he was a child, honing his skills during high school and college. “I’ve always played ball,” Guthrie said in an interview with The Contrarion. “I love it. Growing up I would play any chance I had.” It was after college that Guthrie discovered he could make money by challenging players at outdoor courts, the YMCA, and local gymnasiums. Guthrie’s favourite location is the YMCA beside Highway Six in Guelph. “It was really strange. I would ask to play with competitivelooking guys and they would all laugh at me,” Guthrie told The Contrarion. “At one point I said to myself, ‘Hey, maybe I can cash in on this.’” Guthrie, who is five foot six with rectangular glasses and spiked gel hair, says he plays in his City of Guelph t-shirt tucked into a colourful bathing suit, which he calls his “good luck charm.” He

CAM GUTHRIE

also sports a Nike headband upside down for good measure. “[The other players] act like I don’t belong on the court. So I say ‘want to play for 50 bucks?’” Guthrie said. “They’ll usually double — sometimes triple — down after I beat them.” Most games Guthrie bets on are one-on-one’s to seven points, or a game of H.O.R.S.E. It has been 17 years since Guthrie started what he calls “hustling the G-spot.” He says he has made approximately $200,000 off local challengers alone. It wasn’t until the Guelph Royals, a baseball team in the Southern Ontario Intercounty Baseball League, folded in the middle of their season last year that Guthrie decided to take his skills to Toronto. “When the Royals folded, I knew I had to do something,” Guthrie said. “So I took my game to Toronto, and lo and behold, I was cleaning guys out.” The financial boost, which Guthrie did not want to publicly disclose, allowed him to purchase

“Ball is life” for local white male Cam Guthrie, who made over $200,000 hustling. | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

the Royals team from its former owner, Jim Rooney. Guthrie’s business partner in the deal, Shawn Fuller, who is the current president of Canadawide Sports, was shocked by Guthrie’s initiative and heralded him as the saviour of the team. “I don’t know how he does it. His crossover, his step back

fadeaway, his three ability,” Fuller told The Contrarion. “It takes a special kind of player to hustle courts in Guelph and Toronto. Mayor Guthrie pretty much saved the Royals single-handedly.” Fuller said he only gave $1,000 of his own money towards the purchase of the team. His main contribution has been his business

acumen, whereas Guthrie is the primary investor. “I just want to see baseball back in Guelph,” Guthrie said. “And if that means I need to break some guy’s ankles, you know, so what?” The Royals will play their 100th season this spring at Hastings Field.

Every monday night

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VOLUNTEER MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS 5:30 UC264

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LIFE & INNOVATION

THE CONTRARION

1 3 | RE F US E FR E E PA PE R

1 4 | REMOVING SPIDERS

@ t h e ont ar i o n

Man’s thirteen exes now dating each other What goes around, comes around W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

IN WHAT local barista Gerald Downing is describing as a “living nightmare from hell,” all thirteen of the women he has ever dated are now dating each other — simultaneously. “We really bonded over what a sack of crap Gerald is,” said Tina North on a date with all twelve of her partners at the L/A Starbucks, where Downing works. Downing lost his virginity to North in an experience she described as, “Oh my God, ahahahaha, ughhh, just uggggggggggggh.” “Gerald just couldn’t satisfy me — emotionally, sexually, or in any other way,” said North. “It turned out that the only people who could are the other twelve women he’s dated in his lifetime.”

“This is our favourite spot,” said Mary Lo, as Downing tried to avert his eyes behind the counter. “The service can be sullen and resentful, but we all have so many memories here. Memories of Gerald disappointing us in various ways and now, memories of falling in love with each other while Gerald has to bring us shit. It just puts me in such a romantic mood.” “I’m not one for PDA,” said North, “but sometimes we all get so carried away that we just have to kiss each other right here in front of him over and over again.” “We have so much in common,” said Katie Munnfield. “Like the fact that Gerald took us all here on the first date because he gets a discount and he’s a fucking skinflint.” Dow ning then delivered a round of drinks to the table where the thirteen lovers laughed and high-fived. Special thanks to Anna Olchowec, Brenna McCutcheon, Laura Ireland, Rachel Hill, and Jamie Barnes for posing for this photo.

Five of Gerald Downing’s ex-girlfriends enjoy a romantic afternoon while Downing skulks in the background. PHOTO BY CAT COOPER

Details of iPhone 11 leaked

This is 11 0.98mm thinner

New device can’t make calls, looks great PAT R I C K S U T H E R L A N D

of Apple’s iPhone X release, rumours of a leak at Apple’s California headquarters have been confirmed, indicating major changes to the much-loved iPhone on the horizon. One Apple employee agreed to speak with The Contrarion on the condition of anonymity. “The headphone jack was just the beginning; Apple is on a warpath to streamline the iPhone by removing features seen as archaic,” the employee said. The leaked technical specs seem to indicate that not only will the headphone jack not be returning anytime soon, but several other features that were once considered essential are also slated for removal. Most noteworthy is the complete absence of a cellular antenna. “While this may be a disappointment to some, I think it’s a bold move emblematic of the kind of innovation that has kept Apple

ON THE HEELS

MOCK UP BY MOCKUP WORLD | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITH

at the top,” said Jeanine Fuji, a prominent technology blogger. “Yes, by removing the antenna, Apple has removed the ability to make cellular calls from the device,” Fuji said. “However, the phone can now easily be made a full .98 millimeters thinner while increasing battery life by at least

28 minutes.” “It’s a real game-changer,” continued Fuji. “Sure, it’s going to ruffle a few feathers, but they aren’t the core customer. Apple knows their core customer wants a device that is marginally thinner, lacks connectivity, and looks fantastic in a commercial.”

Apple has removed the ability to make cellular calls from the device JEANINE FUJI TECHNOLOGY BLOGGER

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Don’t let those dirty, rat-like journalists catch you off guard. Be vigilant and make sure they do not see your fear. | PHOTOS BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

How to refuse The Ontarion A step-by-step guide for any suffering student SARAH SEUKERAN

HOW MANY of you have ever felt personally victimized by The Ontarion? I mean, how dare they stand around the UC waving their free papers at us with those darn friendly faces? We’ve all been guilt-tripped into accepting a paper at some point, but now it’s time to take a stand. We’re fighting back with this list of tips and tricks on how to refuse the paper around campus. 1 . AVOID E YE CONTACT

This is essential. Get some dark

5 . PA R KO U R

shades, an eye patch, simply close your eyes. Whatever you do — DO NOT make eye contact. 2 . HE ADPH O N ES A R E YO U R B EST F R I E N D

This method works especially well when it’s used in conjunction with no eye contact. 3 . STO P, DR OP, A N D R O LL

When in doubt: stop, drop, and roll. From fires to awkward situations, this is a life lesson you should always utilize. 4. C HANGE T H E S U B J ECT

Ontarion volunteer: Hey there, do you want a free copy of this week’s paper? You: Yeah! Sure! Maybe! But enough about me. So tell me, what butters your biscuit? Pickle on rye perhaps?

If you know parkour, then this is all you. This moment is everything you’ve trained for. It’s your time to shine. Why walk through the UC when you can simply go over it and avoid the stress of a free newspaper? 6 . S H A P ES H I F T I N G

Now this one requires a bit more effort, but I feel like it’s worth it. There are countless historical documents that mention shapeshifting, and research on bacterial shapeshifting has recently been conducted at Stanford University. If you’re a student in a biological sciences program, this one’s for you. I believe that YOU can revolutionize the science of human shapeshifting. You don’t even have to go all out with interspecies transformations or anything. A simple transformation into John

Cena should suffice. Here’s the thing: they can’t offer you a paper if they can’t see you. 7. JUST DA NCE

Put your hawk in the sky. Move side to side. Jump to the left. Stick it. Glide. This one’s super versatile — just pick your poison. Whether it’s the Hoedown Throwdown, the Electric Slide, Wind Your Toy, or your own combination of moves, just dance your way out of there. 8. A LLERG IES

We all know that one person with the long list of weird allergies. Be that person. “I’m sorry, sir, but if I touch that paper, I will die in 4.02 seconds.” 9. NO F REE HA ND S

How can you take the paper if your hands are occupied? For this

one, I like to take everything out of my backpack and carry it all in my hands. Don’t hide your struggle as you walk past while they hand the papers out. Trust me, no one will stop you. 10. THE ELA BORATE HI GH SCHOOL M USI CA L SCHEM E

This strategy seems to work in High School Musical, so that’s enough evidence for me to call this a viable option. Break out into song in the middle of the UC and it’s highly likely that a group of theatre kids will appear with a fully choreographed number. While everyone is distracted by the spectacle, you have to make a break for it and don’t look back. This is the great escape.

O N NAI L S

How to get your nails to grow A R I A N A LO N G L E Y

Don’t cut them.

PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

FA K E

N OVEM B ER 30, 2017

TH E CO NTR A R I O N

How to humanely capture and release a spider The path to a wintry hell is paved with good intentions A R I A N A LO N G L E Y

SPIDERS are a necessary part of house cleaning. They get rid of bugs so you don’t have to. But sometimes spiders can be icky. Here’s how to quickly and humanely remove a spider from your home. Step 1: Locate the spider. Step 2: Place a cup over it. Step 3: Slide a thick piece of paper under the cup. Step 4: With the spider trapped in between the paper and the cup, bring it outside and safely let the spider down in the grass. And that’s how you capture and release a spider!

Step 1.

Step 2.

Step 3.

my dresser. The shadow cast by the moonlight quickly concealed his yellow and black striped body and meaty legs. I scrambled to move the furniture, but the weight of the hardwood made it impossible to do by myself. I attempted to rush to the bathroom to tend to my bites, but the door wouldn’t open. The handle seemed to be glued down from the other side. I can’t escape my room.

themselves. Every time I look, they inch their way closer to the edge until they plunge. I can see the spider dart away from its final position on the dresser right before the impact. I could try and catch him, but I’m too weak. I think the spider also turned off the heater. The temperature in my room almost matches the winter weather outside. I attempted to call for help, but while my phone charged the first night, something chewed through the cable and stopped the process. I tried using my landline, but that cord was also cut.

a prisoner in my own room. The heat isn’t on and the window keeps opening by itself. Just a sliver at a time, but enough to let the winter air in. I close it, but that doesn’t make it stay down. I can still see the spider I tried to bring outside. He darts around the ceiling and across the window from time to time. I’m too weak to try to do anything about it. I can’t help but think he’s doing all of this — that maybe I’m just a fly trapped in his web. I should have killed that spider. Instead, I put him outside to slowly freeze to death and now he’s doing the same to me.

UPDATE ON THE SPIDER REMOVAL

I awoke at 1:30 a.m. Tiny red bites speckled my face. I felt something lightly scuttle down my cheek. As I looked over, I caught a glimpse of the spider I had brought outside earlier rush underneath

U PDAT E T WO

I’ve been trapped in my room for four days. The door refuses to budge. The trinkets and lamp on my dresser seem to be moving and falling onto the f loor by

U P DAT E T H R E E

It’s been six days and I’m still

Step 4. ART BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

It’s been six days and I’m still a prisoner in my own room. ARIANA LONGLEY SPIDER VICTIM WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN

Misbehaving dog still a good boy Owner threatens to disown him, but won’t stop spoiling him anyway K AREN K . TRAN

SEVEN-MONTH- OLD b order collie Jackie has been chewing up all his toys and digging holes in the backyard non-stop since his owners brought him home as a puppy. Even after multiple scoldings, Jackie remains unfazed and oblivious to his misbehaviour. “He acts more like a cow than a dog,” said one of his owners, Red Nart. “He likes eating grass and tissues and sticks more than anything else. He’s eaten three of his own beds already.” Last month, Jackie was kicked out of doggy daycare for being too excited to play with the other dogs. The smaller dogs were appalled that Jackie would sniff their butts, but wouldn’t let them sniff his. The doggy daycare staff called to say that he would not be welcomed back. His owners have installed a home security camera just to be able to watch him while they’re at work because Jackie can’t be trusted on his own. In an interview with The Contarion, Jackie defended himself by

saying, “Woof! Woof! Woooof!” Even though he is caught getting into trouble all the time, his owners can attest that he is still a good boy.

He acts more like a cow than a dog. RED NART DOG OWNER He protec, he attac, but most importantly he is whac. | PHOTO BY KAREN K. TRAN

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| E XC LU S I V E

CONTR ARION EXCLUSIVE

Tom Cruise waves to friends, family, and new devotees outside Cruisology’s new offices on Baker Street. | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

Tom Cruise abandons Scientology to start his own religion Cruiseology draws on movie star’s films and life

A R I A N A LO N G L E Y

om Cruise, cherished American actor, broke away from the Church of Scientology earlier this year to begin his own religion, The Church of Cruiseology. According to the star, Cruiseology was “Born on the Fourth of July,” 2017. Cruise stated that the inspiration came to him after Nicole Kidman visited him in a dream. The time-traveling starlet told Cruise that, in the future, all religions had been proven wrong, except for the one he will spawn. She informed Cruise that now was the time to begin his own religion: Cruiseology. The idea of starting a new religion may seem like Risky Business, but for Cruise, this mission was anything but impossible. The current number of Cruiseologists is unknown, but according to Cruise, membership is steadily climbing every day. As Jack Nicholson famously told Cruise in the movie A Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the Truth.” In Cruisology, Tom is seen as the one true Cruise — the most perfect being in existence. The

members of the Church pursue happiness and enlightenment by trying to live by Cruise’s teachings through his actions, life, and even his movies. Once a follower fully embodies Tom Cruise, they achieve Cruise Control, whereby you are your most spiritually free and pure form. Interested citizens are interviewed before they can join Cruise’s religion. These interviews are known as Auditions. New members must be baptised into the Church. Burgeoning devotees, also called ‘Rain Men,’ are showered with water as they jump on a couch declaring their love and affection for Cruise. The ceremony symbolizes the believer’s commitment to the institution and to Tom Cruise himself. After death, Cruiseologists believe that their spirits will be transported to a place known as Vanilla Sky, an alternate version of our world only inhabited by other disciples. Weekly Cruiseology sermons are known as Performances and take place at Cruise Centres, the Church’s houses of worship, throughout the world. Cruise Directors, the spiritual representatives of Tom Cruise, lecture about Cruise’s triumphs while suspended from the ceiling by a

single rope for the duration of these gatherings. When the Cruise Director shouts “Show me the money,” a small dish is passed around the auditorium. Patrons tithe a minimum of 15 per cent of their salary into the dish to show thanks to Cruise for showing them a new way of life. The Performance concludes as the congregation drones in unison, “Cruise completes me.” At which point they all put on a pair of black Ray Bans and go about their day. “He had me at hello,” proclaimed Cam Guthrie, a recent member of Cruiseology. “This land is Cruise’s by destiny. He’s not doing what you all think he’s doing, which is flipping out. Cruise wants you to help him help us.” A Cruise Centre opened last week in downtown Guelph, right beside the Church of Scientology’s office. It remains to be seen what conflict, if any, will arise out of the close proximity to an office associated with Cruise’s previous Church.

He’s not doing what you all think he’s doing, which is flipping out. CAM GUTHRIE MAYOR OF GUELPH

If you would like to learn more about Cruiseology, please visit Cruise4You.wordpress.com.

charismatic leader 24-hour stream reveals two sides to mercurial leader W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

his week, Guelph mayor Cam Guthrie launched a 24-hour live-streaming video-feed in a bid to engage with Guelph voters. Guthrie has previously used video on social media to sound off on issues like the mess left by rowdy homecoming students. His new Cam-Cam, mounted on the dash of his car, will allow him to address local issues as they unfold, 24/7. Guthrie has announced that he intends to spend as much time on stream as he can, even if that means putting in fewer hours at the office, spending less time with his family, and peeing in a McDonald’s cup sometimes. “No filter. No limits. This is the real Cam Guthrie,” said Guthrie upon launching the stream on Monday. Tens of thousands of adoring viewers tuned in that first day to see whether a day in the life of Cam Guthrie is really as exciting as everyone imagines. The Contrarion tuned in as well. What we saw was astonishing: a leader with unparalleled charisma and charm — and a troubled force-user struggling to resist the call of the dark side.

Mayor wins over drive-thru workers with Muppet impression Guthrie began his first day of streaming on a high note by breaking out his celebrated impression of Animal from The Muppets in the drive-thru of the McDonald’s at Gordon and Wellington.

“A-ni-mal! A-ni-mal!” said the mayor over the speaker, to the delight of the fast-food workers and many online viewers. McDonald’s manager Brad Hermann said that other drive-thru patrons were so moved by Guthrie’s impression of the drummer from Doctor Teeth and The Electric Mayhem that they got out of their cars and applauded Guthrie for three minutes straight. “That’s just the kind of mayor we have,” said Hermann. The restaurant also gave Guthrie his three Junior Chickens free of charge.

already underway. “I’m proud to be a Happy Cam-per,” said Happy Cam-pers football coach Kevin MacNeill. Students agree. “The only mythical creature I can identify with is our mayor,” said Natasha Okafor, a third year bio-med major. Guthrie also announced that he would be playing for all of the teams, but did not add whether he would be playing every position or just the important ones.

Mayor vows to buy every single Guelph sports team, name them after himself

As the sun set on Carden Street and the bar scene warmed up, Guthrie continued to give back to Guelph citizens by offering rides to partying students. “I take back everything I said about the student community after homecoming,” said Guthrie, after dropping off one passenger. “That kid said I could go trash his neighbourhood with him later!” “Are you the Uber?” said one group of students. “No, I’m the mayor,” said Guthrie. Guthrie further demonstrated his leadership by leading groups of drunk students in carpool karaoke. The night’s playlist focused mostly on the good songs from YTV Big Fun Party Mix, Vol. 7, like “Beverly Hills,” “Pon de Replay,” and the “Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song.” “You only need one CD if it’s this one,” said Guthrie to his streaming viewers, which even at that time of night numbered in the thousands. “Best. Mayor. Ever.” said one group of students.

Guthrie continued his morning and afternoon in high spirits, and announced that he will follow his recent purchase of the Guelph Royals by buying every other local sports team — even the Gryphons — and naming them all after himself. Guthrie called U of G President Franco Vaccarino to tell him the good news live on the stream. “You’re on the Cam-Cam, Frank,” said Guthrie. “I’ve been watching all morning,” said Vaccarino, audibly weeping. “Thank you.” Guthrie said that the new name of the U of G athletics will be Guelph Happy Campers. Vaccarino added that plans to replace the Gryphon Statue with a statue of Cam Guthrie squatting on a first-year economics textbook are

Mayor does carpool karaoke with bar-hopping students

Sith apprentice Mayor revealed to be Sith apprentice W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

s the noise from the bars faded, something strange showed up on the Cam-Cam. Parked in an obscure sidestreet at 4:03 a.m., Guthrie was visited by a tall man in a dark black robe, who got into the driver’s side back seat for a short, hushed conversation with the mayor. Now, one of Guthrie’s mayoral aides, who spoke to The Contrarion on condition of anonymity, has come forward to identify that man as a dark lord of the Sith. The Sith are best known as the antagonists in the Star Wars movie franchise, where they are depicted as cunning, vicious warriors bent on galactic domination. The aide alleges that Guthrie, who is force-sensitive, has long been tempted by the unbridled power of the dark side, but only recently began training with the Sith lord to shoot lightning from his hands and choke people from a distance. “I am not a Sith apprentice,” said Guthrie in a Cam-Cam statement following the allegations. “Like many force-sensitives, I feel the pull of the dark side. I have always resisted.” But a new tape recently leaked from City Hall suggests that Guthrie is, indeed, a Sith apprentice — albeit a conflicted one.

Sith lord tells mayor to give into dark side, sell Guelph Hydro In the tape, the Sith lord congratulates Guthrie on his plan to merge Guelph Hydro with Mississauga corporation Alectra. “Your plan

to privatize Guelph’s utilities has successfully evaded the detection of the council,” says the dark lord. “The dark side clouds their judgment.” “More and more I get the feeling that I’m being excluded from the council,” says Guthrie. “They don’t trust you, Cammy,” says the Sith. “They see your future. They know your power will be too strong to control. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.” Guthrie defends the council, saying that they use their power to fight for good, while the Sith think only of themselves. “Only the dark side can cut the $165 million municipal infrastructure deficit!” shrieks the Sith lord, shooting Guthrie with his force lightning. The Sith lord’s face is visible for only moments in the Cam-Cam footage, but viewers have pointed out that it resembles former Ontario premier Mike Harris.

Mayor’s charisma, sense of rhythm come from the dark side Resisting the dark side may prove difficult for Guthrie. The tape reveals that much of his appeal with voters comes from his ability to harness the raw emotions — hate, fear, and anger — that fuel the dark side’s power. The dark side also contributes to mayor Guthrie’s impeccable sense of rhythm. In a later part of the tape, the Sith lord and Guthrie sit down with a couple practice pads to work on sticking and some beats. “Let me see your paradiddles,” says the Sith.

Like many forcesensitives, I feel the pull of the dark side. I have always resisted. CAM GUTHRIE MAYOR OF GUELPH

Guthrie is celebrated for his work behind the kit in local synth-pop-dance-hop group Fitness Club Fiasco. Now the Guelph community of light-side force-users faces a predicament: press Guthrie to abandon the ways of the Sith and lose the charismatic leader they’ve fallen in love with, or, make a deal with the dark side. Soon after the allegations of Sith-affiliation went public, the Cam-Cam suddenly went offline. Guthrie’s office did not respond to a request for comment, except to say that Guthrie was “off in his car somewhere.”

OPINION

THE CONTRARION

1 9 | M ASTUR BATE

20 | GOL D DIGGIN’ VETS

@theontarion

Cam’s top tweets of 2017 RICH DICK

Dec 1

Just picked up a copy of The Ontarion. Totally unreadable! Fake news! Sad. #GuelphProud

Dec 7

I have 17 pieces of gum in my mouth. 13 of them I got from unlocked cars. Lock your cars Guelph #GuelphProud

Dec 10

Cam Guthrie Retweeted @GuelphMercuryTribune Yikes! Sort of reminds me of when I got mailed a bag full of dead flies!

Dec 17

Dear Loblaws, the First Lady and I have been trying to recreate your atmosphere for our living room. Just doesn’t feel right. Any tips?

Me: Hey hun, how’s school going? Daughter: Dad. why do I have to do math? As far as I’m concerned it can just solve its own problems! Me: I don’t disagree

Seeking: smart, attractive Mayor of Guelph to play short-stop on my new baseball team. DM if interested #GuelphProud

Dec 8

Does anyone know how to use Photoshop? Trying to get a picture of the whole team is a challenge. #GuelphCityRoyals #newprofilepic

Dec 15

Installing new web-cam in my car. Trying out new angles for upcoming videos. Stay tuned! #GuelphProud

Dec 18

Good morning #Guelph! Hope your day goes great! You know what would make it better though? Youtube channel. Don’t forget to like and subscribe! #GuelphProud #vlogger

Happy Halloween #Guelph! Drive safe! Watch for little ghosts & goblins & tiny vampires that hold a skull and scream weird with glowing eyes.

I S SU E 18 3.1 3

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| FA K E

Top seven places to masturbate on campus Handy spots to flick the bean and flog the bishop E R I C LU L A

WE GET IT,

it’s a rough time of year. Exams are coming, and in such stressful times, it’s not wrong to want to just unzip and relax every now and then. Unfortunately, not everyone has time to go home, light some candles, and hope their roommates don’t notice how long they spend in the shower. For the student that always finds themselves locked in the library or never leaving the lab, one must make do with what the University of Guelph has been kind enough to provide. If you find yourself with a couple minutes to spare between running to class, procrastinating on papers, and Googling the symptoms of a panic attack, these are the seven best places to rub one out on campus.

T HE HIL L NE X T TO T H E S O CC E R FIE LD

Everything’s better with a view. Look back on fond memories you’ve made here as you admire our university’s beautiful campus in its entirety. The cold weather will only serve to extend the experience. You might even be lucky enough to catch a game while you’re here.

T HE Q U IE T ST U DY F LO O R O F T HE L IB RA RY

Sometimes you just need some peace and tranquility. Everyone here is so stressed-out and overworked that you’re almost guaranteed to go unnoticed. On the off-chance that you are spotted, worry not, as no one would dare break the silence and disrupt the studious atmosphere of this part of the library.

T HE BAS E M E N T O F C R E E L M AN

A surprisingly calm space, given the ruckus upstairs. The comfy chairs down here seem like they

were put there specifically for students in your predicament. The close proximity to both food and washrooms makes this one of the most convenient places on campus to take a quick break.

T H E T H I N K TA N K I N T H O R N

For the U of G student who likes a rush: take “sneaking one in” to a whole new level, with those big glass windows that leave you fully exposed to all your busfaring peers. The constant stream of South-bound first-years offer the perfect back drop to reflect on your life choices when you’re done.

T HE TROPICAL GREENHOUSE IN THE BOVEY BUILDING

There’s nothing like escaping to a tropical paradise amidst the dreariness of day-to-day campus life. Lay back and relax as you take in the luscious scenery and exotic smells. If you sit on your hand first, it’ll be just like spring break in December.

T H E CA NNON

Because it’s a U of G tradition to paint The Cannon, and isn’t that thing meant for firing loads anyway?

T H E BA LCO N Y O F WA R M E M

What better way to make that 8:30 a.m. lecture a bit less terrible? You’ll finally be able to enjoy the coziness of this lecture hall without fear of falling asleep. As one of the only students foolish enough to go to class so early, you’ll have plenty of space on the upper level to sprawl out and admire the magnificent architecture.

Please wank

Unfortunately, not everyone has time to go home, light some candles, and hope their roommates don’t notice.

responsibly.

Ever wake up shaking? Zone out staring at the shower wall? Yell “oh dear god” in the middle of meetings and dates?

Sounds like you’ve got a case of

Post-Trumpatic Stress Disorder

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FA K E

N OVEM B ER 30, 2017

TH E CO NTR A R I O N

D IARY O F A V E T S TU D E NT

Vets: We’re in it for the money Cash, good hours among pluses for profession | tell people that I am going to be a veterinarian, the response is often something along the lines of, “Heh, gonna be living the good life with all that money, aren’t ’cha?” accompanied by an elbow nudge. Admittedly, this used to upset me, because I had believed all along that I chose this profession due to my passion for providing the best care possible to creatures of all kinds. Upon further reflection, however, I realized these well-meaning folks were probably right: there is no career more lucrative than veterinary medicine. In fact, I decided to take a break from studying for four exams to share with the public the greatest advantages of being a veterinarian.

post-secondary education required, we can go to school for the same amount of time as a medical doctor and make up to 50 per cent of their salary upon graduation!

WHEN I

T HE E DU CAT I O N CO M M IT M E N T

It is also a great relief to put off home ownership until well into our thirties or forties. Watching our friends pay off hefty mortgages while we simply write monthly rental cheques reminds us how little responsibility we have. Besides, we often don’t have time to buy groceries, let alone mow the lawn, so it really works out for the better. FL E XIB L E H O U R S

A little-known fact about veterinarians is that they are averse to relaxation. Overnight ER shifts, daily skipped meals, and night calls are among the perks of the job for a category of humans who simply don’t enjoy the luxuries of a family dinner or full night’s sleep.

TH E BIG BUC KS

The general consensus of my peers appears to be that we were all drawn to the profession due to the financial opportunities. With only seven to ten plus years of

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At the end of the 15-hour day, we’re really just like anyone else. We love to cuddle kittens and puppies, and when you discount the phone calls, appointments, treatments, surgeries, diarrhea episodes, and constant accusations of greediness, that’s all we really do, anyway.

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As professionals, we recognize that people are often caught off guard by the potential for their animal to get pregnant, sick, or injured. When we are unable to provide treatment or medication free of charge, we understand that any negative results are a consequence of our heartlessness.

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Veterinarians understand that clients want the very best for their animals. After the pay cheque, that is our number one priority in this profession. So when owners arrive for their appointment already saddled with a Dr. Google diagnosis, we are incredibly appreciative.

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Vets play with puppies. | PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR

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Dec. 6

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SUDOKU Fill in the empty squares so that each of the digits 1 through 9 appear once in each row, column, and 3-by-3 block.

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5 8

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Across

Down

1–Parentheses, essentially

1–Slightly

5–Maxim

2–Red flower

10–Simple rhyme scheme

3–Jam-pack

14–Repeated, an island of

4–Brazil’s largest city

French Polynesia

5–Wire measure

15–Troy story

6–British secondary school

16–Roofing item

exam

17–Golfer Aoki

7–One tenth, usually

18–Printed heading on stationery

8–Makes lace

20–Rhythm

9–Form of poem, often usedto

22–Beta alternative

praise something

23–Causing goose bumps

10–Greek goddess of wisdom

24–Anouk of “La Dolce Vita”

11–Coffin support

26–007 creator Fleming

12–Jai ___

27–Random

13–”Venerable” English monk

30–Books of maps

19–Kingdom

34–Soup spoons

21–Seine tributary

35–Swindle

25–Rubdown

36–Monetary unit of Burma

26–Dressing choice

37–Woody’s son

27–Having wings

38–Sales pitch

28–Ricochet

40–Trading center

29–Go off-script

41–French pronoun

30–Whiz

42–Seniors’ org.

31–Extra

43–Greek island in the Aegean

32–Aluminum-bronze coin of

Sea

Iceland

45–Restriction on commerce

33–The devil

47–Portable lamp

35–Little drink

48–Garden tool

39–Debate side

49–Article of faith

40–Bed

50–Brush a horse

42–Smell, usually a pleasant one

53–Altar in the sky

44–Joint with a cap

54–Tennessee ___ Ford

46–What Richard III offered “my

58–Charming

kingdom” for

61–Ages and ages

47–Departs

62–Hula hoops?

49–Attempts

63–On ___-to-know basis

50–Strong wind

64–Greek portico

51–AAA suggestions

65–”___ quam videri” (North

52–Elevator man

Carolina’s motto)

53–___ time (never)

66–Domineering

55–___ chance!

67–Wraparound dress

56–Are you ___ out? 57–Morales of “NYPD Blue” 59–Where the truck driver rides 60–Dreyer’s partner in ice cream

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The Ontarion Inc. University Centre Room 264 University of Guelph N1G 2W1 ontarion@uoguelph.ca Phone 519-824-4120 General: x 58265 Editorial: x 58250 Advertising: x 58267 Accounts: x 53534 E DITORIAL STAFF Editor-in-Chief Mirali Almaula News Editor Tiann Nantais Arts & Culture Editor Will Wellington Sports & Health Editor Matteo Cimellaro Digital Content Editor Karen K. Tran Marketing Assistant Leslie Thompson Copy Editor Carolynn Whitehouse PRODUC TION STAFF Photo & Graphics Editor Alora Griffiths Director of Layout & Design Frances Esenwa BUS INESS STAFF Office Manager Aaron Jacklin Business Coordinator Lorrie Taylor Ad Manager Al Ladha Circulation Director Salvador Moran Readership Researcher Patrick Sutherland BOARD OF DIREC TORS President Alex Lefebvre Chair of the Board Jordan Terpstra Vice President Communications Heather Gilmore Vice President Finance Mehkansh Sharma DIREC TORS Emma Callon Miriam Habib Jonathan Marun-Batista Josh Millen Megan Scarth CONTRIBUTORS Ari Bale Belinda Breakneck Fiona Cashell Carleigh Cathcart Michael Cimesa Cat Cooper Rich Dick Rachel Larose Ariana Longley George Longley Eric Lula Spencer McGregor Zoey Ross Sarah Seukeran Hamaad Shehzad Kendra Snaith Megan Sullivan Lexie Taylor Bukola Toluyemi Helen Victoria Toner Cheryl Verschueren

The Ontarion is a non-profit organization governed by a Board of Directors. Since The Ontarion undertakes the publishing of student work, the opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of The Ontarion staff and Board of Directors. The Ontarion reserves the right to edit or refuse all material deemed sexist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise unfit for publication as determined by the Editor-in-Chief. Material of any form appearing in this newspaper is copyrighted 2017 and cannot be reprinted without the approval of the Editor-in-Chief. The Ontarion retains the right of first publication on all material. In the event that an advertiser is not satisfied with an advertisement in the newspaper, they must notify The Ontarion within four working days of publication. The Ontarion will not be held responsible for advertising mistakes beyond the cost of advertisement. The Ontarion is printed by Hamilton Web.

OPINION

THE ONTARION

Why we don’t talk about welfare and why we should U of G’s Animal Welfare Judging Team C A R L E I G H C AT H C A R T

of Nov. 18 and 19, I joined undergraduate, graduate, and veterinary coaches and students as part of the University of Guelph’s Animal Welfare Judging Team. Held in Ames, Iowa this year, the Intercollegiate Animal Welfare Judging and Assessment Contest is an annual competition that brings together students from across North America. Competitors face a compact weekend of evaluating various scenarios, making quick yet informed judgments, and developing an organized speech to present to an expert judge in a very short ON THE WEEKEND

amount of time. Needless to say, the contest can be quite intense, and so I am incredibly proud to report that U of G brought home numerous awards in all categories. More important than the awards themselves, however, is the benefit of the experience. Animal welfare is a relatively new topic in the academic world, and newer still to the general public. While students at this year’s competition gained valuable insight and mentorship in this emerging field, in contrast, this very impactful issue is discussed in dismal proportions by the majority of consumers.

made aware of such issues, heads are quickly placed into the sand. While radical organizations such as PETA grossly misrepresent the actions we need to take, it is crucial to understand the difference between animal welfare and animal rights.

S o , d e s p i te o u r s i g n i f i c a n t consumption of and interaction with animals of every kind, why is welfare such an undiscussed, almost taboo subject?

Personally, I think it comes down to two main issues: convenience and ignorance. In a world of great disconnect

Welfare Judging Team. Temple Grandin (center, red top) is an icon in the world of animal welfare. | PHOTO PROVIDED BY CARLEIGH CATHCART

between the food on our plate and the manner by which it gets there, it is not surprising that most folks are neither aware of or interested in the welfare of nonhumans. Most people could not

explain what a farrowing crate is, why brachycephalic (short-nosed) breeds suffer greatly, or how it has been proven that fish feel pain. Exacerbating this problem is the fact that, when consumers are

Just as consumers find thems elv e s out r a g e d b y l i s t er i a contamination or child labour, so too should we find ourselves concerned with the mistreatment or neglect of the animals supplying us with much of our nutrition or materials. Animal welfare is NOT about veganism/vegetarianism or shaming consumers. Many welfare advocates I know are omnivores. But for as long as these animals remain used for the benefit of humans, we owe it to them to provide the best management possible — something that requires a willingness to become educated.

undergraduates wanted WE ARE CURRENTLY RECRUITING UNDERGRADUATE STUDENTS TO JOIN OUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS! The Board of Directors sets policy, manages the business affairs, and is the ultimate authority of The Ontarion. Its policies and procedures help to ensure both effective management for the paper, and financial security for the corporation. The Board is also responsible for creating and helping to maintain a healthy and productive working environment.

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S P O RT S & H E A LTH |

N OVEM B ER 30, 2017

TH E O NTA R I O N

Rising number of students experiencing anxiety University of Guelph counsellor discusses, root cause unclear R AC H E L L A R O S E

A CHILDREN and youth mental health survey recently released by Ipsos Public Affairs says that nearly half of all young people aged 18 to 24 in Ontario have missed school due to anxiety, with six in 10 youth reporting concerns about their anxiety. This may not come as a surprise to students at the University of Guelph, as mental health has been a popular topic since the loss of four students to suicide last year. Since then, the school has taken some steps towards providing mental health support for students in need; in November, the U of G posted a progress report to their website. According to Peter Wedel, a counsellor on the U of G campus, the number of students being diagnosed with mental health issues has doubled in the past five years.

This dramatic increase could be due to positive factors, such as decreased stigma surrounding mental illness, which makes a person more likely to seek help, however, this does not explain the root cause of the anxiety. Everyone experiences anxiety. It is a natural emotion and stems from a human’s innate freeze, fight, or flight instincts. Anxiety becomes a problem when it persists and interferes with everyday life. Anxiety can take many forms, such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, phobias, and PostTraumatic Stress Disorder. The triggers can vary from person to person, which is why anxiety can take on many forms, but it all starts from the over-stimulation of that instinct in the face of

It is still unclear what is causing higher levels of anxiety among students, some speculate it is ever-rapid changes within culture and technology. | PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

something that isn’t actually lifethreatening. Some have argued that the rise of the internet and the use of mobile phones has contributed to an increase in anxiety because of over-stimulation and a lack of quietness in the mind. “We have had more change in the last 20 years since the beginning of the internet than

in possibly hundreds of years,” Wedel stated. “Each change stimulates our amygdala, thereby causing increased adrenaline flow, increased alertness, and possible freeze/fight/flight response leading to the sense of hyper-alertness or a sense of feeling overwhelmed.” Some of these stressors could be simple, like the vibration from your pocket telling you that you have a

notification, or the rapid rate students are expected to process information and make decisions about their career paths. The University of Guelph is hoping to improve the mental health standards they provide for their students, but even this may not help address the root issues at hand.

Women’s hockey squad defeat Warriors 3-1 in close match Gryphons snap Warriors winning streak MICHAEL CIMESA

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On Thursday, Nov. 23, the Gryphons women’s hockey team faced-off against the Waterloo Warriors at the Gryphon Centre Arena. The Gryphons demonstrated solid offence in the first period by scoring two times on the Warriors, with Kristen Jay and Kelly Gibbons each scoring within one minute of each other. The Warriors then focused in on the Gryphons’ offence in the second period and were able to put a dent in the Gryphons’ initial lead. Going into the third period, the score was 2-1. The third period was a consistent back and forth with no goals being scored. However, in the last 15 seconds, the Gryphons capitalized on the Warriors’ fatigue and scored on an empty net. The win snaps the Warriors’ six-game win streak and proves that the Gryphons are definite contenders with the potential to repeat their OUA championship.

The Gr yphons finish the first half of their season with two wins. PHOTOS BY MICHAEL CIMESA

SPORTS & HEALTH

THE ONTARION

2 6 | ANXI E TY ’S CAUS E

26 | WOMEN’S HOCKEY

@ Ont ar i on _ S p o r t s

G RY PH O N S CO R E B OAR D Compiled by Matteo Cimellaro

U of G professor discusses antibiotic resistance in farm animals

MEN’S BASKETBALL

World Health

Gryphons 71, Voyageurs 84 Gryphons 78, Lakers 84 Laurentian guard Kadre Gray dropped 39 points against the Gryphons last Friday in Sudbury. On the second day of the Gryphons’ back-to-back matches, the men’s basketball team fell short in their second-half comeback and lost to Nipissing by six points. WOMEN’S BASKETBALL

Gryphons 66, Voyageurs 54 Gryphons 71, Lakers 44 The Gryphons continued their strong defensive play by winning both games on their weekend road trip. The Gryphons look to expand their winning streak against Queen’s next Friday, Dec. 1. MEN’S HOCKEY

Gryphons 9, Voyageurs 5 Gryphons 8, Lakers 4 The Gryphons lit it up offensively in back-to-back blowouts on Friday and Saturday. The Gryphons now sit on the top of the OUA west division while increasing their win streak to eight. WOMEN’S HOCKEY

Gryphons 5, Mustangs 2 The Gryphons won both of their games on the weekend and finished half of the season on a high note with a home win against Western. The Gryphons sit third in the OUA and hope to take their two-game winning streak into the latter half of the season. MEN’S VOLLEYBALL

Gryphons 1, Rams 3 The Gryphons fell to the undefeated Ryerson Rams at home last Friday. They hope to reach .500 when their season resumes in the new year. WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL

Gryphons 1, Rams 3 The Gryphons lost in a close match last Friday, but took one set against the undefeated Ryerson Rams.

Organization says antibiotic resistance a threat to human health B U KO L A TO LU Y E M I

THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION ( WHO) says overuse of

antibiotics in animals is contributing to increasing levels of dr ug resist ance in humans, which is leading to serious health implications. The Ontarion was able to speak with Scott McEwen, a professor in the department of population medicine at the Ontario Veterinary College (OVC). We spoke to McEwen about some of the risks of antibiotic resistance and why it is increasingly present in farm animals. Bukola Toluyemi: Why do we use antibiotics on animals? Scott McEwen: We use drugs in veterinary medicine to treat bacterial infections of all types of animals. W hen you have an animal that’s sick with a clinical infection [caused by] bacterial infection a veterinarian will administer antibiotics to treat that. Another type [of antibiotic use] is for prevention; this is when antibiotics are administered when there is thought to be a high risk for a group of animals being exposed to bacteria and developing infections. The intent is to prevent that from happening. The third major type of [antibiotic use] is for food animals, not for cats or people. The use of antibiotics [on farm animals] is to promote growth, or to improve feed efficiency. You administer antibiotics and the animals grow at a faster rate, or get to market weight with less feed than if you didn’t use them. BT: What are the health risks of using antibiotics? SM: The bigger issue is around antibiotic [resistance]; that’s a separate health issue. There’s been a lot of controversy and debate around this. It’s been debated for almost as long as antibiotics have been around. Alexander Fleming, the person who discovered penicillin

It is important to discuss the looming antibiotic resistance crisis in food animals. PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

back in the 1930s, observed that bacteria became resistant after a period of time of being exposed to [antibiotics]. So we’ve known that when we give antibiotics to any sector (that’s people, animals, sometimes even plants), whenever we use them there is a chance that there will be resistance. There’s been a heightened concern about this in human health because there are infections of people where there are very few, or in some cases no antibiotics, left that are effective because the bacteria have become resistant to almost everything. In human medicine this has become very serious, especially in hospital settings, but even in community settings. But in veterinary medicine there’s not so much a sense of crisis, I don’t know why that is. There are some animal sectors where resistance is a problem, but is not that severe. The implications are that there is a sense of urgency to do something about resistance

within humans. It’s been slower to develop that urgency in veterinary medicine, but it’s happening, so now there is increasing pressure to reduce transmission of antibiotic resistance from animals to people. BT: How is bacteria developing resistance? Is this something to be concerned about? SM: Now the big concern is the quantity of antibiotics used in food animals in agriculture, particularly in growth motion and disease prevention. The quantities used [in growth motion and disease prevention] are much larger than quantities used for treatment. That’s because for growth motion, and often for disease prevention, the antibiotics are given to the entire herd of animals, and often for fairly long periods of time. These factors are important in resistant selection. It’s not really possible to say how much the antibiotic resistance problem in people comes from animals, but I think it is fair to say

that for these foodborne enteric infections, antibiotic use of food animals contributes [to antibiotic resistance]. And it may contribute indirectly to other types of resistance through the contamination of the environment by resistant bacteria. We know now that antibiotic resistant genes can be transferred to other bacteria. Once [antibiotic resistant genes are] out there, then we lose track of them, and they may well circulate around. So there are other pathways [to the growing crisis of antibiotic resistance in humans]. There’s been a lot of attention focused on trying to stop this antibiotic use for growth motion and, if possible, to stop administering antibiotics in healthy animals. The idea is to try to limit the exposure of antibiotics in food animals until they really need them.

A RT S & CU LTU R E

N OVEM B ER 30, 2017

TH E O NTA R I O N

PUP’s 2016 record, The Dream Is Over, was shortlisted for the Polaris. | PHOTO BY KAREN K. TRAN

Guelph throws ’bows for PUP Ontario punks light up Peter Clark Hall ZO E Y R O S S

PUP returned to the University of Guelph for a sold-out show on Friday, Nov. 24, and it was absolutely wild. PUP singer

Stefan Babcock said they have now played in Guelph 40 times. In just over an hour and a half, PUP blasted through the bulk of their repertoire, from their self-titled debut to 2016’s The Dream Is Over. “Reservoir” is still the song that gets people in a rage at their show, the one song that affects the crowd instantly and sends the people into a frenzy. True to their word, no new music was

played, but they were sure to let the audience know that a new album is in the works. Guitarist Steve Sladkowski did mention a surprise cover in store for anyone attending their New Year’s Eve concert, but you’ll have to already have a ticket for the sold-out show in Philadelphia. Flailing bodies thrashed across the more-than-sizeable mosh pit at the centre of Peter Clark Hall. The sweaty crowd

came together and made sure everyone stayed on their feet and that any lost shoes were held high until claimed. PUP finished the night by ruling out an encore — they don’t do them — and playing crowd-pleasers “If This Tour Doesn’t Kill You, I Will” and “DVP.” If you’re reading this and you’re not on the PUP bandwagon yet, there’s no better time to get the heck on.

ARTS & CULTURE

THE ONTARION

2 9 | S L E E PI NG B E AUTY

28 | PUP PL AYS U OF G

The Crimson Fairy casts the curse on baby Princess Roslind: at the prick of a finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel she will perish. | PHOTOS BY KENDRA SNAITH

@Ont ar i on _ A r t s

Castle attendants and guards sing the opening song.

Guelph Little Theatre presents Saving Sleeping Beauty Putting the community in community theatre H E L E N V I C TO R I A TO N E R

her finger on a spinning wheel and falls asleep for 100 years. The story of Sleeping Beauty is known around the world, but it begs the question: what happens during the 100 years? The Guelph Little Theatre (GLT) answers this query with Saving Sleepy Beauty, an original musical which, as per the theatre’s Christmas show tradition, boasts an all-ages cast, adding a special dynamic to the performances and rehearsal process. Saving Sleeping Beauty introduces us to Roslind, a bratty princess blessed with limitless money, incomparable beauty, and the love of anyone who sees her. She is saved from dying by Cerulean the Witch, who instead puts the girl to sleep, but also promises, to the confusion of everyone else, to “save” the princess from her gifts.

A PRINCESS PRICKS

From there we are transported into a twisted dream world where Roslind must find out what Cerulean truly meant.

Rihannon Phillips, who plays Cerulean, believes that this production demonstrates GLT’s sense of community. “It’s really welcoming to anyone who wants to come out, and that’s what keeps bringing me back,” says Phillips. “It’s just a wonderful group of people to work with.” Over a third of the cast is new to the theatre. Kenneth Cameron, the writer, composer, and director of the show, believes an all-ages cast brings a whole new dynamic to the group.

“I love having groups with actors of all ages,” he explains. “The young people can teach the old people, and the veterans can teach the young people. I love the interplay and this cast has been marvelous for that.” Talking to various cast members, that dynamic is easy to see, with more experienced cast members championing the enthusiasm

and excitement of the younger performers and the younger generation thanking their seniors for their many tips and tricks. Another positive aspect of the cross-generational casting is the opportunity for families to come together, both watching and performing.

Lawrence Murphy, who plays the king, acts alongside his son, Julian, who plays a series of princes. “It’s not just family entertainment — [there are] families in it!” says Murphy. This is important, Cameron says, because “there’s so much that happens in our society right now where the kids are sent off to do their thing. [This] helps bring them together.”

Lord Harold, Chamberlain, and Miss Agnes teach Princess Roslind a lesson on manners in her dream during her 100-year sleep.

’s Top Ten Albums DARLE NE SHRUGG* Darlene Shrugg (Upset The Rhythm)

Saving Sleeping Beauty plays at the Guelph Little Theatre Nov. 24 to Dec. 10

T H E W E AT H E R S TAT I O N * The Weather Station (Outside Music) BIRD CIT Y** Winnowing (Label Fantastic/Coax) C H A D VA N G A A L E N * Light Information (Flemish Eye) MAUNO* Tuning (Idee Fixe)

It’s not just family entertainment — [there are] families in it! LAWRENCE MURPHY ACTOR, PORTRAYS THE KING

BUFFY SAINTE-MARIE* Medicine Songs (True North) B I B L I C A L* In Search Of Lost Time (You’ve Changed) S HARON JONE S AND THE DAP- KIN G S Soul of a Woman (Daptone) JESSICA MOSS* Pool s of Light (Constellation) PA I N T E D F R U I T S * PF II (Self-Released) *C A N A D I A N A R T I S T

* * LO C A L A R T I S T

W W W. C F R U . C A

NEWS

THE ONTARION

3 0 | O N THE RA DA R

ON THE RADAR Compiled by Tiann Nantais

ROYAL WEDDING

Prince Henry of Wales, known fondly as Prince Harry, has proposed to American actress and model Meghan Markle. According to a statement from Clarence House, the prince and Markle will marry in the spring.

30 | MONEY MONEY MONEY

@Ont ar i on _ News

Fair Workplaces, Better Jobs Act passes in the Ontario legislature $15 minimum wage only one aspect of the bill E R I C LU L A

FOOTBALL

On Nov. 26, the Toronto Argonauts won their 17th Grey Cup championship against the Calgary Stampeders. After a mediocre regular season, the Argonauts had a remarkable 27-24 comeback victory in Ottawa this past weekend. ONTARIO JOBS

Premier Wynne’s trade mission to China has secured $1 billion in agreements between Ontario and Chinese companies so far. The Ontario government stated that these dealings will create more than 1100 jobs in the province. Following the China trip, Wynne will also be the first provincial premier to lead a trade mission to Vietnam. EGYPT ATTACK

After a brutal attack on the al-Rawda mosque in Egypt, 305 people are dead in what is being called the deadliest attack in modern Egyptian history. Egypt’s public prosecutor stated that the attackers arrived in five SUVs, heavily armed, and wearing the black banner of ISIS.

Index News ............................................. 30 Arts & Culture ............................ 29 Sports & Health ........................ 27 Opinion ........................................... 25 Contrarion.........................................24 Fun page ........................................22 Comics ...............................................21

ON NOV. 22 ,

the Ontario government passed Bill 148. Many may be familiar with this as the bill that has been clogging their newsfeeds with debate over a $15 per hour minimum wage. However, the minimum wage increase is only one of many facets of the Fair Workplaces, Better Jobs Act, 2017. Introduced on June 1 of this year, under the full title “An Act to amend the Employment Standards Act, 2000 and the Labour Relations Act, 1995 and to make related amendments to other Acts,” Bill 148 is a piece of legislation designed to increase the rights of employees across the province, which includes providing them with security in their wages. The version of the bill that made it to the third reading, the last step in the legislative process before Royal Assent, does in fact raise the minimum wage to $14 an hour on the first day of the new year, and again to the contentious $15 an hour exactly one year later, on Jan. 1, 2019. These numbers are lower for employees who are students under the age of 18 as well as those who serve liquor and receive tips. For these individuals, the increased wages will reach $13.15 and $12.20 an hour, respectively, on Jan. 1 of this year. The long title of the final bill is “An Act to amend the Employment Standards Act, 2000, the Labour Relations Act, 1995 and the Occupational Health and Safety Act and to make related amendments to other Acts,” naming a third act not present in the title of the original legislation. This reflects a recent amendment to the bill, which will prevent employers from requiring their workers to wear raised heels, “unless it is required for the worker to perform his or her work safely,” or if the worker performs in the entertainment or advertising industries. This means restaurant owners can no longer force their female serving staff to wear high heels.

N e w l a w s m e a n m o r e j o b s e c u r i t y, b e t t e r w a g e s , a n d m o r e w o r k e r- f r i e n d l y s c h e d u l i n g . PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

Included in the bill are several provisions regarding scheduling, including:

• Giving employees the right to refuse demands to come into work when given less than three days’ notice • Entitling employees to pay when a shift is cancelled with insufficient notice • Minimum payment required for employees who are on call • Payment equal to three hours of work for employees who work less than that in a single shift Furthermore, the Fair Workplaces, Better Jobs Act will require employers to discuss requests for scheduling changes with employees who make them and to provide reasoning if they are denied. The Fair Workplaces, Better Jobs Act will also make extensions to several types of leave. Pregnancy leave will be doubled from six to 12 weeks, and parental leave will be raised to an entitlement of 61 weeks, or 63 if one did not take pregnancy leave, up from 35 and 37

weeks, respectively. The maximum period of family medical leave will be 28 weeks, which is three times longer than the previous eight, and will now be granted when there’s a need to support any critically ill family member, not just a child, as was previously the case. The Bill

This means restaurant owners can no longer force their female serving staff to wear high heels.

also establishes a two-year leave period for employees coping with the death of a child, as well as a 15-week leave period to be granted if an employee or their child experiences, or faces the threat of, sexual or domestic violence. Bill 148 contains multiple sections meant to improve conditions for those working for a temporary help agency. These include ensuring that they are paid appropriately for the work they do while on assignment, which must not be less than a regular employee would be paid for the same job. It also necessitates that these workers are fairly warned, or financially compensated, when an assignment is terminated prematurely. The Fair Workplaces, Better Jobs Act is a multi-faceted piece of legislation that attempts to live up to its name by addressing numerous employee concerns across the province, proving that employees have a lot more to be excited about than just a $15 minimum wage.

Like Pandora's Box, some things are meant to stay closed.

TEXTBOOKS AREN'T ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

The eCampusOntario Open Textbook Library is a virtual resource that contains nearly 200 textbooks that are available at no cost. That's right, free. For everyone, forever. So whether you need to use the library to fulfill a required reading, find research material, or support a personal interest, you'll find resources available in a variety of user-friendly formats, so you can study anywhere, on any device.

ÂŠ 2017 ALEX AND ANI, LLC

They also make for great coffee table books!

Ask your faculty about adopting an open textbook for your class today. Visit the Open Textbook Library at eCampusOntario.ca

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I S S U E 1 8 3.1 3 | N OV. 30, 201 7 T H E O N TA R I O N . C O M

$14 MINIMUM WAGE Leasing for 2018 Begins Soon