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CONTRARION NEWS

THE CONTRARION

0 4 | C LOWNS I N A CA R

05 | GLOBAL WARNING

@ t h e ont ar i o n

Florida massacre leads to major innovation in gun control Parkland school shooting shows exactly

According t o a Fox News report earlier this week, the Walmart corporation is suing 10-year-old Mason Ramsey, better know as the Yodelling Walmar t Boy, af ter allegations that he was found yodelling at a nearby Target.

M I R A L I A L M AU L A

increasing the minimum age to purchase and own a firearm from 18 to 21. The National Rifle Association (NRA) quickly came to the rescue of young women’s rights — stating: “Females between the ages of 18 and 21 pose a relatively slight risk of perpetrating a school shooting such as the one that occurred at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, or, for that matter, a violent crime of any kind.” The NRA is suing the State of Florida for violating the fundamental rights of females. Through difficult times, however, comes inventiveness. The events at MSD have led to an incredibly innovative solution to America’s gun problem: treating law-abiding citizens like criminals and stripping them of their privacy. Called the Backpack Solution (BS), all students have been provided with backpacks made of state-of-the-art clear material technology. The technology allows for this material to be entirely transparent so that all the contents within the backpack are visible to those around the individual wearing the backpack.

LOCAL ARTIST WOES

U of G MFA student appalled that a local collector has purchased two of her paintings. “How am I supposed to interrogate and subvert the discourse of late capitalism when I keep being paid handsomely for my work?” the artist stated. UNITED AIRLINES

A clearly great solution to both the gun and porn problems facing American youth today. | PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

After multiple reports of animal deaths aboard United Airlines flights in the past year, 37-yearold United Airlines employee, Anita Pup, has been charged with 58 counts of dognapping. Thanks to neighbours’ reports of excessive barking, Pup was found to have 58 stolen canines of all varieties living in her backyard. All dogs have since been reunited with their owners. OLD SEARS, NEW HOPE

Guelph Mayor Cam Guthrie has announced via Twitter that he is now leasing the vacant space in the Stone Road Mall where the Sears store once operated. According to a source close to the mayor, Guthrie has also purchased the entirety of Amazon’s supply of light sabers, and plans to use the space as a personal training facility.

Although the backpacks are clearly more than enough to deter any concealment of weapons, the BS is paired with:

• Students being forced to wear new student IDs at all times • Limited points of entry to the school • Increased police presence on campus The BS, on the cutting-edge of gun safety, means that hundreds of dollars will be saved as the school district will not need to install or monitor metal detectors at the school’s entrance points. Instead, students, teachers, and police officers will all monitor each other closely as though all of them are both prisoner and warden. This BS is the only solution to America’s gun problem that is totally effective and constitutional. Critics and supporters will continue to debate how to solve the problem of recurring school

Compiled by Tiann Nantais

TARGET YODELLER

how much some politicians care

ON FEBRUARY 14, 2018, Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School (MSD) in Parkland, Fla. became the latest site of tragedy in the most recent mass shooting in America. The events resulted in the deaths of 14 students and three staf f members. The shooter, 19-year-old former student Nikolas Cruz, walked onto campus carrying a duffle bag and backpack that contained an AR-15 style automatic rifle and multiple magazines. Cruz is currently awaiting trial on 17 counts of first degree murder and 17 counts of attempted first degree murder. Students who survived the shooting united with others around the country in a demonstration called March For Our Lives, which demanded stricter gun control laws. While impactful, the event only melted the icy hearts of 36 politicians in the Florida state House; there is an inquiry into whether the 71 other representatives, which sources suggest may well be Republicans, are actually in fact human. One theory put forth suggests that while fully human, these politicians have suffered severe head trauma that makes them incapable of feeling empathy or understanding complex concepts such as cause and effect. Not all is lost, however, as the lawmakers in Florida’s House of Representatives turned their attention to what is perhaps a much more pressing current issue impacting the youth of today: The Pornography. The House declared pornography — the photographic representations of human bodies engaged in sexual acts in order to provide viewers with pleasure — the real public health risk to today’s youth. Being all messed up from all the pornography they watched, the group protesting the loss of no one at all, was not in attendance, unlike the students from Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. Recognizing the seriousness of the MSD mass shooting, some progress was achieved as Florida Governor Rick Scott passed a law

ON THE RADAR

Index Contrarion News ......................03 Playboy popularized porn in America in the 20th century. Now it is a public health risk. | PHOTO COURTESY OF PLAYBOY

shootings and making sure that everyone owns the gun they really want for years to come. For now, we can take comfort in knowing that politicians all concur that the Backpack Solution will most certainly prevent students from bringing magazines to school in their backpacks — especially nudie magazines, the greatest public health risk in Florida today.

Local News ...................................06 Farts & Culture ......................... 09 Sports & HaHaHealth ............ 10 Fun Page......................................... 12

The House declared pornography ... the real public health risk

Summer Guide ......................... 16 Editorial .......................................... 19 Opinion............................................ 23 Sports & Health......................... 25 Arts & Culture ............................ 28 News................................................ 30

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How many clowns can you fit in a car? Clowns aren’t as supernatural as you think |

A R I A N A LO N G L E Y

REMEMBER THE OLD visual gag of a small army of clowns cramming into a tiny car? Since the premiere of this trick in 1950, scientists from around the world have been trying to empirically answer this very question: How many clowns can you fit in a car? Earlier this month, Jack Napier, a professor at the University of Guelph, published a paper in the Journal of Human Biomechanics, compiling the results of roughly 70 years of research, all aimed at answering the Clown Question; each study taking a different approach to get at the physics of the phenomenon. Research on this topic began when Ronald McDonald, McDonald’s famous fast food restaurant mascot, was introduced in 1963 causing clown hype to peak. At this point, studies focused on the outfits and accessories clowns wore and how these articles limited space inside of cars. Interest in the topic dwindled as the popularity of clowns fizzled, until 1990, which marked the release of Stephen King’s It — the miniseries brought the issue to

see us as people as opposed to overzealous cosmeticallychallenged freaks. the forefront once again. With the rise of early-’90s commercialism, research began taking into consideration the equipment and materials required for a clown show while packing the entertainers into cars. The question was then forgotten once again, until 2017, when King’s miniseries was adapted to film. Napier and his team started their literature review. “Other researchers have tried to piece together the puzzle. But with this meta-analysis, we’ve used the pieces to create a full picture,” Napier told The Contrarion. “With all the clown hysteria and fear the public has expressed in the past few years, we feel this question is more relevant than ever.”

We’re not clowning around here; red wigs, pies, and hoop pants are top priority. | ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE LONGLEY

Napier found that, on average, clowns take up 12 per cent more unusable headspace near the top of the cabin than normal human adults due to their enormous colourful wigs and red foam ball noses. In terms of how much seating area equipment and comedic

clothing occupy, the results are as follows:

• Oversized footwear occupies one per cent of sitting room • Hoop pants occupy two per cent of sitting room • Fanny packs and pockets full of novelty items occupy two per cent of sitting room

• Equipment for a standard clowning gig (including face paint, balloons, and magic) occupy 2.25 per cent of sitting room and trunk space In total, you can actually fit 7.25 per cent less clowns into a standard-sized vehicle compared to normal-sized non-clown people. That’s roughly 7.5 clowns you can fit in a car compared to 8 nonclown adults. Realistically, that’s almost one less clown you can fit in a car than normal people. “This result only applies for clowns going to or leaving a performance,” noted Napier. “When you try to fit clowns into a car without their gear and outfits, you can fit the exact same number of clowns in a car as non-clowns.” “This research paper has been a career saver,” said Pagliacci the Clown, a prominent entertainer in the Northern Italian clown community. “Before, children were scared of us and our bookings suffered. But now that this information is confirmed, people are more inclined to see us as people as opposed to overzealous cosmetically-challenged freaks.” We contacted Stephen King, the author of It, t o get his response on the subject. At the time of publication, we hadn’t heard back from him.

Canada to ban fake news Just as soon as someone can figure out which news is in fact fake PAT R I C K G I L M O R E

the heels of perfectly functioning democracies like Malaysia, the Canadian government has passed legislation to ban fake news. The only problem is: What exactly is fake news? Who decides the difference between negligence in journalistic duty and deliberate misinformation campaigns? In order to learn more, I did some investigating among average Canadians. My libertarian coworker, Gary Nolan, thinks that it should be the CBC. Nolan is tired of having his hard-earned tax dollars go to a media conglomerate that promotes Canadian identity and a left-leaning narrative, as opposed to the wonderful efficiency of the marketplace of ideas. Nolan believes that if everyone worked as hard as he did, whether it be in the service industry or by sussing out the world’s issues, then fake news would not be able to affect our society. Incidentally, he also asked

FOLLOWING ON

me to cover his shift this weekend so he can continue to work on his philosophical treatise about the marketplace of ideas. The answer is no, Nolan, I’ve already got plans to write a left-leaning narrative about Canadian identity. In order to get a rural perspective, I returned to my hometown of Aylmer, Ont. to visit my cousin. He explained to me that CTV’s allegations against former conservative leader, Patrick Brown, are clear evidence of collusion with (what alt-righters pejoratively refer to as) “elite cuckservatives” and, that as such, CTV was a fake news arm of the deep state. His thoughts on CNN could not be cleaned up enough to be published, but he pointed me to a series of message boards where I can learn more. I am unable to share them in this article because they violate The Contrarion’s policies against discrimination and basic idiocy. My first roommate in college

Fake news, like the rag known as The Contrarion, should be banned. | PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

was a communications major, so I believed that they would have particular insight into the scourge that is fake news. After tracking them down at a local cafe, I learned that they have gone off the grid when it comes to mainstream news and mostly read Tumblr and Twitter personalities with fewer than 100 followers. When asked

for an interview, they called The Contrarion an “imperialist rag for bougie asshats” and refused to say any more on the subject. This despite the fact that I had politely not brought up the $40 that they still owe me. Opinions about what constitutes reliable news sources appear to vary. Perhaps that is why we

have struggled with fake news and propaganda for more than a century. What I have learned is that although Canadians are cognizant of fake news, they could be more discerning. Just ask Ezra Levant. Patrick Gilmore, reporting from a nondescript building in Chelyabinsk.

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Biodome solution champions building of Trump’s wall Studies show Canadians will experience all four seasons within one week by 2030 M I R A L I A L M AU L A

have revealed that by the year 2030, Canadians will experience all four seasons within a week on a regular basis. This rapid fluctuation in temperature will make life out in the open impossible for most plant and animal species. In response to this issue, environmental scientists have proposed the building of a massive biodome — a form of controlled, self-sufficient ecosystem that closely replicates the natural outdoor environment. The biodome will allow for the control of temperatures so that plant and animal life will be able to survive and thrive until they are able to evolve and adapt to the changing environment. “Imagine this,” explained the head of research at the University

RECENT STUDIES

Trump’s wall to be supporting structure of biodome that will save humankind from extinction. | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

of Guelph, “on Monday you can wear your summer shorts and on Thursday you need to go get your winter tires put on your car. Except there will be no rhyme or reason to the changes. It will be constant weather chaos.” In a strange turn of events, those who were previously opposed

to President Donald Trump’s wall of racism and fragile male ego are now seeing the value in this structure, though perhaps not for its intended purpose. “Trump’s wall will be used as a major supporting structure to the North American Biodome,” said a scientist who asked to remain

anonymous, “Americans are eating the cost of that entirely, but it will benefit both Mexico and Canada. Now, if only Canadians can make Trump as fearful as the brilliant Mexicans did so that he’ll pay for ou- that wall, as well, Canadians, who I am not one of... will be sitting pretty.”

While the future is as uncertain as the weather, it seems Canadians can still rely on President Trump to stoke the fires of xenophobia to keep us warm through the coming ice age.

Ever wake up shaking? Zone out staring at the shower wall? Yell “oh dear god” in the middle of meetings and dates?

Sounds like you’ve got a case of

Post-Trumpatic Stress Disorder

Post-Trumpatic Stress Disorder is a normal human reaction to the fact that Donald Trump is the President of the United States of America.

To combat Post-Trumpatic Stress Disorder, try Echochambralax. Your Echochambralax care package includes a copy of The New York Times from 2009, a framed photo of Barack Obama, and a pair of big woolly ear muffs. We can overcome Post-Trumpatic Stress Disorder together. Yes, we can.

LOCAL NEWS

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07 | G U E LPH G LA D I ATOR S

0 8 | SKOUF IS DEF EATS MAYOR

@ t h e ont ar i o n

University of Guelph spent $250,000 to redesign administration’s coffee mugs (without taking any competitive bids) Custom French presses and espresso machines among purchases M AT T E O C I M E L L A R O

has obtained documents that reveal that the University of Guelph awarded a commu nic at ions compa ny $250,000 to redesign the administration’s mugs without taking competitive bids from other businesses per provincial rules. Request For Proposal (RFP) regulations state that the University must allow bids for all new forms of work, including coffee container and paraphernalia designs. U of G gave out approximately $250,000 of coffee-related contracts to Tenzing Communications. The purchases include red and black gold-trimmed mugs

THE CONTARION

P r e s i d e n t Va c c a r i n o p o s e s f o r T h e C o n t r a r i o n w h i l e s i m u l t a n e o u s ly b r a g g i n g a n d d e n y i n g . PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

intended for everyday use, along with replacements, espresso cups, latte bowls, cappuccino cups, French presses, and custom U of G

steamers. The novelty mugs alone cost $50,000. Fourth year theatre major Cynthia Parlett, voiced her frustration

with the administration for the coffee controversy. “The administration thinks they can throw away taxpayer money on something this

unnecessary while our class selection and funding gets smaller. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth,” Parlett told The Contrarion, “like burnt coffee.” The Contrarion’s source obtained emails that were sent between administrative directors, which detail the events surrounding the coffee mug controversy. “I really love the idea of personalized novelty mugs, Vac,” wrote Don O’L eary, Vice-President (Finance, Administration, & Risk), to President Vaccarino. “We could use them in the office on Fridays.” “Hell yeah, buddy,” President Vaccarino replied. The Contrarion visited President Vaccarino’s office to ask for further comment. “I can’t say anything about the investigation while it’s taking place, but what I will say is that we love our coffee here at the University of Guelph,” President Vaccarino told The Contrarion after sipping from a giant red and black novelty mug that read, “THE VAC.”

Another committee created to consider student demands U of G’s Board of Governors has made real progress in the continuation of the status quo SPENCER MCGREGOR

ONCE AGAIN, the top governing body at the University of Guelph has committed to listening to students’ voices. For the fourth time over the course of many years, a subcommittee has been formed to collect input from the student population. “We know everyone wants to have a say in how this university is run so we like to give all stakeholders a chance to express their opinions,” said President Franco Vaccarino. “About once a year we put out the call for feedback on issues such as student space in the UC, fossil fuel divestment, constantly rising tuition fees, and the banning of plastic water bottles on campus.”

When asked what will be done after all this information was collected, Vaccarino responded that it will be considered during a closeddoor meeting at a later date. Some students have been critical of this approach, saying that their opinions aren’t really taken into account by the decision makers on the Board of Governors. Many students believe that no matter what they say, they won’t have any influence on the final outcome since all the power rests in the hands of a select few business people and former CEOs.

They should be happy we’re even letting them feel involved An administration insider shared this explanation with The Contrarion in an exclusive interview:

One student, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of criticism, outlined the trend for us:

“This is what happens every time. Students become passionate about an issue, they gain broad public support for their cause, they pass motions of support at the CSA Annual General Meeting, a clear majority of students support them in referendum votes, working groups and subcommittees are formed by university administration, and then finally, regardless of the feedback, the Board of

President Vaccarino says deflecting student demands is “Just too easy.” PHOTO COURTESY OF UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH

Governors finds some way to dismiss the demand.” In response to this statement, Vaccarino said, “Of course what the students say doesn’t matter to us. Do you think we’d let some immature, barely-adults tell us how

to run this university? Listen, I get paid over $400,000 per year and some student activists think they can do better than me, pfft, get real. They should be happy we’re even letting them feel involved in the decision-making process.”

“As long as we can divert and deflect for four years, the old students will graduate and the movement will die out. It’s too easy: just delay the issue for a few years and all the experienced and passionate people will leave the school and new students will be left trying to make change in the same endless loop. I’m honestly kind of surprised no one has caught on yet.” When confronted with some of the negative comments students had about how the administration was handling complaints, Vaccarino quickly responded, “We will definitely take that into consideration.”

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THIS IS GUELPH! Fan favourite John Walsh uses students’ blind adoration as catalyst to make gladiator dreams come true LESLIE THOMPSON

THIS IS GUELPH

Professor John Walsh to recreate gladiator battles by restoring Bullring to its former glory. | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

the anniversary of Julius Caesar’s death in 44 BC was remembered around the world. The Roman dictator was stabbed to death by his friends on a night that is now remembered as, “just some bloody fun!” However, at the University of Guelph, Professor John Walsh

ON MARCH 15,

was celebrating for a different reason. During a lecture on March 17, before a crowd of students in Rozanski Hall (a building with seating arrangements and architecture that eerily resemble an Ancient Roman amphitheatre), Walsh stated: “I would like to

announce that I am now the proud owner of The Bullring.” After a brief pause, the professor added, “the atrociously hipster restaurant can now be restored to its original purpose — a gladiator arena.” The crowd erupted thunderously

as Walsh looked on amidst the cheering and standing ovation, arms crossed and bow tie meticulously straight. After a few moments of applause, the professor held up a hand and the crowd immediately fell silent. “Who among you are willing to

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be my first contestants?” After the lecture ended, The Contrarion sat down with Professor Walsh for a brief interview. When asked why he thought it was a good idea to bring gladiators to Guelph, Walsh stated simply, “Not enough gladiator blood is shed at university these days.” Critics have stated confidently that the University would never allow such a plan to proceed. Before we were escorted out by two stoic Roman guards who looked strangely like Franco Vaccarino and Cam Guthrie, Walsh told The Contrarion: “I knew that, no matter what the University said, my students would back me up 100 per cent.” After a pause and a sly smile, he added, “Guelph students are really good at protesting.”

Brass Taps staff play hide and seek with customers Freebie Fridays, but training all day every day C AT C O O P E R

a month now, The Brass Taps pub on campus has been holding “Freebie Fridays,” a weekly event where they distribute free drinks to patrons who are able to find their servers. John Anderson, a frequent Brass Taps customer, says he visits the pub each week for Freebie Friday. “It’s kind of like a game now, like they’ll ignore you, and you have to really go above and beyond to flag them down,” Anderson said. “Sometimes me and my buddies will wait almost an hour before we see anyone who

FOR A LITTLE OVER

works here. I’m convinced they hide in the kitchen.” Other patrons are taking that suspicion a bit further. Ron Duvernay, another Brass Taps regular, said he’s been bringing blow darts to increase his chances of hunting down an employee. “They’re tipped with a fast-acting local freezing agent. I aim for the legs, because if they can’t walk, they can’t get away until I order.” Duvernay admits that he’s caused more than a few dropped and smashed plates or cups with his shenanigans. “It gets pretty competitive around here, we all want to be the one to get our orders in while we can, so things have escalated,” Duvernay said. “I’ve seen people bring all kinds of stuff to try and get their attention. Air horns, costumes, flashing neon lights, stuff like that, and that’s tame. It’s turned into a game of extreme hide and

Brass Taps serving staff hide from patrons on Freebie Fridays. | PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

seek. We find servers hiding under tables, behind the bar, and in the washrooms too.” There have been no serious hide and seek related injuries as of yet, but some Brass Taps employees believe it’s only a matter of time.

It’s turned into a game of extreme hide and seek. We find servers hiding under tables, behind the bar, and in the washrooms too.

Lindsey Shepherd hosts panel of everybody’s racist, drunk uncles at Wilfrid Laurier University “I don’t agree with the uncles, but we need to be able to engage with their views and deconstruct them — not tell them to shut the fuck up. That’s not free speech.” M AT T E O C I M E L L A R O

L aurier’s most newsworthy Master’s student, will be moderating a panel discussion which involves everybody’s racist, drunk uncles as part of a speaker series with her student group, the Laurier Society for Open Inquiry (LSOI).

LINDSEY SHEPHERD,

Students, faculty, and other groups at Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo, Ont. have expressed outrage at the planned talk set for this Saturday, April 14. The uncles have all been described as drunk, racist, and bumbling white supremacist sympathizers. The discussion is titled: “I’m Not a Racist But... Multiculturalism and Racist, Drunk Uncle Identity,” and is part of Shepherd’s “Unpopular

Shepherd wearing three of her many beanies. | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

Opinion Speaker Series.” Shepherd says she took care to ensure that the panel reflected the diversity of opinions in the racist uncle community. She notes that some uncles vehemently hate the queer community, others the black community, and others the Asian community. Shepherd made headlines last

year after she was punished for showing her classroom a video of controversial University of Toronto Professor Jordan Peterson, who has been criticized for his refusal to use gender-neutral pronouns. “These uncles are out there, no matter how despicable your family finds them. Actually, the best thing to do is to air them out, let people publicly challenge them,” Shepherd told The Contrarion while wearing a grey beanie. “When you don’t, your family ignores them, and that becomes more dangerous because they could have a racist outburst in a Montana’s or something.” “No one is being forced to go and there’s a counterprotest, so if they feel strongly about it, they can join that,” Shepherd continued, now wearing a purple beanie

on top of the grey beanie. In an open letter, Laurier’s president, Deborah MacLatchy, wrote that she “personally and absolutely rejects the ideas and values attributed to the uncles,” but that Laurier does not “censor or limit the lawful free expression of ideas, including racist, drunk rants when you just want him to pass the potatoes.” Associate professor Steve Wilcox called MacL atchy ’s response “wholly inadequate and ridiculous.” “Look, I have a racist, drunk uncle. He’s a dick, but there’s a bunch of pics of him holding me as a baby. I haven’t got baby pictures with any of these other uncles, so why should I have to listen to them?” Wilcox told The Contrarion.

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Many students are angry that professors get to avoid social interaction while students must continue to suffer. | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

Shy profs dig tunnels under school A perfect day at work involves as little interaction with students as possible C AT C O O P E R

AFTER COMPLAINTS from students of loud subterranean drilling happening all over campus, a small group of professors have come forward to claim responsibility for the noise. “We’re building alternate pathways underneath campus to ease the stress of travel,” said a

representative of the Introverted Professors Association of Guelph (IPAG), who preferred to remain anonymous. “When you see your students outside of class, it’s weird for you, it’s weird for them, it’s weird for everyone. So we’re hoping that through the construction of

these pathways, the instances of inadvertently seeing students will be severely diminished.” “I think it’s a great idea,” said one student, who also preferred to remain anonymous. “There’s nothing worse than walking through campus and suddenly seeing a professor, and then being forced to confront the uncomfortable reality that they’re people too.” Concerns about the activities of some professors were raised shortly after the announcement of the tunnels, when some students, who preferred to remain

anonymous, noticed that their professors were coming to class with mining helmets and pickaxes and were tracking mud into the lecture halls. Other students have demanded that they too should be given access to the tunnels, claiming that they want to avoid students as well. Some have formed a counter group, Guelph Introverted Students Association (GISA). GISA has pledged to build a secondary set of tunnels for members’ use only, raising concerns about the structural integrity of the campus.

We’re building alternate pathways underneath campus... President Franco Vaccarino has called a halt to all mining operations until stability and proper excavating practices can be ensured.

Local karate champion challenges mayor of Guelph for title Nathan Skoufis is now the mayor of Guelph after easy victory M A R S C H E S T E R C H OW

THIS PAST WEEKEND, Guelph’s very

own martial arts celebrity, Nathan Skoufis, has once again done the impossible — he challenged the current mayor of Guelph, Cam Guthrie, for his title of mayor, and won. The victor, of course, was set to obtain the title and the right to call themselves mayor of Guelph. On the flip side, the competitor who was defeated was set to be exiled for life and will never be allowed to return to Guelph again, unless granted special permission. This war of succession took place right in front of Guelph’s City Hall, with the battle beginning at high noon. Skoufis, a world class athlete, has claimed countless world titles

After an embarrassing defeat by Skoufis, officials still have not located former mayor Guthrie. Skoufis and Guthrie are pictured above mere weeks before the showdown. | PHOTO BY MARS CHESTER CHOW

and championships on top of holding a fifth degree black belt in karate. His opponent, Cam Guthrie, was the mayor of Guelph and drummer for a local synth-pop band, Fitness Club Fiasco. He also likes baseball and pastries. This seemed like quite a daunting challenge for Skoufis, something that

appeared nearly impossible — even for him. But Skoufis is used to defying the impossible. The time leading up to the match was tense, both sides eyed each other, and tried to find a weakness in their opponent. As the clock struck 12 p.m., the match began. Guthrie first tested

the waters with some left flicker jabs, then rushed in, trying to get an early mount on Skoufis. Skoufis, however, managed to evade the rush and connected with his signature right roundhouse. Whack. With Guthrie dazed, Skoufis followed up with a flurry of right kicks as if we was all up

in an anime, not letting up on the offensive, while Guthrie forced on the defensive. In a last-ditch effort, Guthrie used his ace in the hole, the Dempsey roll, and everyone around could tell that he wanted to finish the fight right then and there. Not unusual for Skoufis, he saw right through this plan and the exhaustion and damage Guthrie accumulated throughout the fight had made his moves telegraphed, basically telling Skoufis where he was going to punch next. With a quick but lethal spinning back heel kick, Skoufis ended the match with a solid hit to the back of Guthrie’s head. The match lasted exactly 42.2 seconds. As we head into this new era with Nathan Skoufis as mayor of Guelph, we will see what he has in store for the city. The current whereabouts of Cam Guthrie are still unknown, although rumor has it that he is in the basement of Eric the Baker’s, training for a rematch and surviving off the best chocolate croissants in the gosh darn country.

FARTS & CULTURE

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0 9 | DAD S AG A I NST D RA K E

0 9 | WHITE GUYS

@ t h e ont ar i o n

Local father devastated to be left out of “God’s Plan” Drake’s new hit snubs dads everywhere, unfairly favours beds and mommas, says local dad HAMA AD SHEHZAD

GARY L ANCASTER is a single hardworking father of three who spends his week working at a credit union in Downtown Guelph and his Saturdays selling homemade jam at the Guelph Farmers’ Market. In between, he’s a parttime Uber driver — all to support his three children. Lancaster takes great pride in his single-fatherhood, and the community has embraced him and showered him with respect — or

so he thought. At the market, his fellow vendors and customers know him as “Good Dad Gary.” But it was in early March, while Ubering a load of freshmen to The Manor, that Lancaster first heard Drake’s new mega-hit, “God’s Plan,” which has ruled the Billboard Hot 100 for 11 weeks, and which includes a popular line where Drake sings, “‘I only love my bed and my momma, I’m sorry.’” Lancaster felt betrayed. “As soon as I heard this line, I slammed on my brakes and pulled over,” Lancaster told The Contrarion. “My passengers were enthusiastically singing these unbelievably offensive words. I asked them why they didn’t respect hard-working fathers like myself, and they just looked at me. They told me that this is what’s hot right now and that everybody sings these horrible things.” Beds and mommas are a sore spot for Lancaster, whose wife died in a freak bed-accident six years ago while cavorting with another man. “She was cheating on me while I was out with the kids. The firemen said that our water-bed

DADS

AND OTHER FURNITURE

BEDS

AND MOMMAS Drake offends dads everywhere by singing about beds and mommas, says one local dad. | MEME COURTESY OF INTERNET

spontaneously combusted and killed both of them,” said Lancaster. “I didn’t just lose my wife that day, I lost my custom king-size, smart water-bed with built-in speakers, WiFi, GPS, and gas heater. I still don’t understand what caused the explosion.” Since the accident, beds and mommas have been banished from the Lancaster home. The family has spent their nights on a variety of recliners, hammocks, bean bags, stacks of carpets, sleeping bags, dense hoodies, plush pillows, yoga mats, and/or couches.

“We’ve tried to convince him to see a therapist but he keeps refusing,” said Lancaster’s oldest daughter, Sarah, in an email. “He hasn’t been the same since the bed blew up and killed mom. I had to sleep on a coffee table covered in doilies for years.” Lancaster has now ventured into activism, handing out pamphlets at his jam stand at the Fa r mer s’ Ma rket prot est ing “God ’s Plan.” The pamphlets advocate for the rejection of beds and mommas in favour of “Dads and Other Furniture.” It’s all part of Lancaster’s Dads Against Drake (D.A.D.) campaign. So far, the response has been lukewarm. “I like Gary, he’s fine,” said one Farmers’ Market attendee. “ BU T I ON LY L OV E M Y BED AND MY MOMMA. I’M SORRY,” the attendee added while jumping in the air and landing in plank position on the outstretched arms of his four friends. The Contrarion reached out to Young Money Entertainment for comment, but has received no response.

White guys criticize Black Panther for “inaccurate” lack of white guys in Africa Protesters argue that diverse filmmaking threatens continuity in the “Hollywood Expanded Universe” L E S L I E T H O M P S O N & W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

latest blockbuster Black Panther breaking countless records after its release in February, some angry white guys have spoken out against what they see as an unrealistic lack of white guys among the cast. “I just don’t get it,” said “out and proud” white man Jack Lodge. “There are white people everywhere around the globe — we friggin’ took over, man. Why wouldn’t we be out of Africa like my girl Meryl Streep? I just don’t buy it.” Some of these critics have a rg ued that Black Panther is playing fast and loose with the consistency of what they call the

WITH MARVEL’S

“Hollywood Expanded Universe” (HEU) — the world in which all movies ever made exist and make sense together. “In the HEU, it just doesn’t make sense to have an all-black movie set in Africa,” said local white guy Josh Taylor. “In the HEU, black people are only indigenous to barbershops. The only real thing about this movie was the talk of vibranium — everyone knows that the indestructible metal is the basis for Captain America’s dope-ass shield, and he got that shit from Africa. So I’m glad they got that fact right, even if the rest of the film was

Some white dudes argue that the warriors in Black Panther ought to have been played by “awesome white dudes, like Mel Gibson.” PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

inaccurate.” Another local white guy, James McDonald, echoed Taylor’s concerns. “In that scene at the museum in London, we hear that Killmonger thinks the artifacts were stolen. That doesn’t make sense. Museums don’t just steal artifacts.” Taylor elaborated: “The Indiana Jones movies have conclusively demonstrated that, in the HEU, indigenous cultures abide by a ‘finders keepers’ system of ownership. The real question is whether or not whoever took the Wakandan artifacts was able to slip a bag of sand onto the pedestal without triggering the big ball from rolling down the passage.” Taylor also pointed out that Killmonger himself doesn’t make sense in the HEU: “A willful, strong, black anti-hero with a badass attitude? I mean, sure, but

he’d have to be played by a white guy in makeup.” Black Panther, said Taylor, is only one part of a problem that is sweeping the movie industry. Best Picture winner The Shape of Water, he said, also flouts the rules of the HEU: “Woman falls in love with fish-man. Got it, love it, that’s some classic Beauty and the Beast shit right there. But women masturbating and artists being gay? Talk about jumping the shark.” Taylor a nd his g r oup a r e taking action. “We’ve organized a protest on Reddit,” said Taylor. “We’re really doing something powerful here.” Plans for the protest include kicking gravel by the bleachers while talking about how awesome Ready Player One is, and then heading to Papa John’s for a slice of meat lovers.

Yodelling Walmart kid declared missing, rumoured to be alien godchild C H E RY L V E R S C H U E R E N & W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

MASON RAMSEY, an 11-year-old from Illinois, became an overnight Internet celebrity after a video of him yodelling in Walmart went viral in late March. As of this morning, Ramsey has gone missing, and while the Pope County Sheriff’s Department has ruled out foul play, his community and adorers search for an explanation. “It’s a sad, sad day for yodelling fans,” said Peter Tarjay, a Canadian fan who runs the “Yodel Yobs” yodelling meme imageboard. “For a brief moment, this boy’s beautiful mountain songs warmed our hear ts in these trying times. Now that light has been extinguished.” Various theories have arisen to explain Ramsey’s disappearance. Many suspect the boy has been kidnapped, but one of Ramsey’s neighbours, “Old Tom” McClatchey said that people looking for solutions on the ground are on the wrong track. “He went up there!” McClatchey told The Contrarion, pointing a crooked finger at the ceiling. “I dare say he’s an angel, or an alien, or both! But I saws it with me own two eyes. The aircraft landed in me field and took him up — strange figures in white cloaks greetin’ him like an old friend,” said McClatchey, waggling his gnarled cane and sucking at his false teeth. While some have dismissed McClatchey as “obviously a nutcase,” others have flocked to his theory, including some 60 individuals who have assembled to worship at the site of Ramsey’s supposed ascension. Calling themselves the First Lonesome Lovesick Church of the Divine Walmart Yodelling Kid (FLLCDW YK), these visitors from all over the world have set up a tent city in McClatchey’s field where they eat, sleep, and debate the meaning of Ramsey’s gospel, yodelling long into the night.

SPORTS & HAHAHEALTH

THE CONTRARION

1 1 | T RU MP D I E T

1 0 | TOE WRESTLING

@ t h e ont ar i o n

O N TH E PRO C E S S

U of G star athlete Leslie Thompson on dogspotting Who really is the goodest boy of them all? LESLIE THOMPSON

THE UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH is notorious for being a dog-friendly campus. If it’s not the multitude of guide dog puppies in training, it’s Guelph residents and non-students who walk their dogs across campus seeking out affection (for their dog) — and the affection is always granted. This week, The Contrarion sat down with Guelph’s self-proclaimed number one dogspotter, Leslie Thompson, to talk about her inspiration, her training regimen, and why all dogs really are good dogs. L eslie T hompson: W hen did you first know you wanted t o b e c ome a pr o fe s sion a l dogspotter? Leslie Thompson: I’ve known since I was young. Other kids were asking for Barbies, G.I. Joes, Hot Wheels — I was asking for dog breed books. I’ve always dabbled with other animals, you know, horses, cats, the usual — but soon enough, it was all about dogs. When I correctly guessed my first Samoyed-Shepherd cross, I knew it was over for me. It was a thrill

Looking for dog. | PHOTOS BY MATTEO CIMMELLARO

Thinks maybe spotted dog.

Spotted dog, yes, that’s a dog.

knowing that I was the only one who just knew. LT: What is your training regimen? LT: Eye drops are key. You

“Oh, hi doggie.”

have to make sure your eyes aren’t red or itchy and that you can see clearly — if you blink, you’ll miss it. Trust me, you don’t want to miss it. I also do a lot of finger

feel it. Feel the dogs around you. Follow your nose, follow your eyes. Spot the movement. Sometimes they can show up so quick, and you have to be ready. Sometimes it happens by luck. One second you’re walking to the bus, and the next a floofer is walking beside you — like I said, you always have to be ready. LT: How do you deal with feisty owners? LT: Learning how to make small talk is one of the most important parts of the dogspotting game. Often, humans are the first barrier to meeting your new best friend. Give a little smile, pretend to care about what they’re saying, but focus on the fur that is now between your fingers and the paws that are now on your lap. This moment is what you suffered through conversation for. LT: How do you know if a dog really is a good dog? LT: This question is unacceptable. I have never met a dog that was a… I can’t even think about it, really. The b-word isn’t part of my vocabulary. I’m honestly appalled you had the nerve to ask.

stretches for petting. LT: What are some of your dogspotting tactics? LT: Most of the time, you need to stand in the breeze and just

New chapter for athlete’s foot, toe wrestling comes to Guelph Toe-tally exciting, toe-curling event returns to Royal City C A R O LY N N W H I T E H O U S E

FORGET MINDS and hearts of steel, what the Gryphons need now are toes of steel. In conjunction with his support of the Guelph Gryphons, the Guelph Storm, and the Guelph Royals, Mayor Cam Guthrie is ecstatic to be welcoming back a new sporting event to town: toe wrestling. Just in time for the approaching warm weather and flip-flop season, Guelph is set to host the upcoming Toe Wrestling Competitions and is encouraging all Guelphites to strengthen their toes in

preparation. Often, the bigger the feet the better, so this is not a time to be ashamed if you have big flippers — bring them out and show Guelph what you can really do! Local high school student, Tasha Podiatry, has expressed her excitement about the upcoming event. “My dad has been entering the competition for decades and has been training me to take up the family torch this year,” said Podiatry. “This is something that’s really important to us. My dad and I train twice a week to strengthen our flexor digitorum brevis muscles. It’s something we like to do as a family. Often, we’ll treat ourselves after training by going out to get pedicures.” Indeed, toe wrestling has had a long history in Guelph, unbeknownst to many new Guelphites and even Mayor Guthrie himself. The long-standing tradition hit its

Leaving fingernail s untrimmed among one of Guthrie’s old tricks. PHOTO COURTESY OF PEXELS

peak in the ’80s, but slowly began to fade thereafter. Back in 1984, Guelph did very well in the Southwestern Ontario Toe Wrestling Competitions, with Kitchenerborn — though Guelph-residing — two-time silver medalist Gregory Bunion. R ecently, Mayor Guthrie’s daughter, Adelaide, has expressed

an interest in the toe wrestling sphere and has inspired interest to bring the sophisticated sport back to the Royal City. Beginning in June of this year, Guthrie has decided to open up the playing field and encouraged new toe wrestling teams to form. U of G student, Alice Hopsalot, is supportive of the decision to bring back the sporting event. “It’s the new frontier. So what if you have strong arms or a wicked six-pack? Strong toes are what it’s all about. That’s what I look for in a guy. You can tell a lot about a man by the state of his toes,” said Hopsalot. If you’re feeling curious about how exactly toe wrestling works, here is the lowdown on the rules:

Toe wrestling involves competitors going toe-to-toe 2. Bare feet must be used only 1.

3. It

is common courtesy for each player to remove the other player’s shoes and socks 4. Players must link toes and each player’s foot must touch flat on the other person’s foot, or else be disqualified 5. Players interlock their toes and try to “pin” down their opponent’s foot 6. Three rounds are played, with the best two out of three being the winner 7. Rounds are played first with the right foot, then the left, and again with the right if necessary If interested in the upcoming toe wrestling competitions, the City of Guelph will be posting the exact time and location of the event on its website over the coming weeks. Keep your eyes peeled competitors, and know that we’ll be crossing our toes for you.

I S SU E 18 4.1 3

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| S P O RT S & HA HA H E A LTH

Trump diet surges in popularity, the diet to trump all diets Many look to President Trump for nutritional inspiration B E R E N G A RV I E

IN THIS INCREASINGLY health-conscious world, there are not many people who dare to challenge the establishment on nutritionallybased issues. The few who do are generally self-sufficient individuals who possess the bravery needed to question the advice that so-called “medical professionals” try to force upon us. Donald Trump is one of those people. Dozens across the globe have decided to cast aside the oppressive heads of cabbage and other assorted garden produce that is promoted endlessly by health ministries of most first world governments, in favour of the diet that President Trump champions. The Trump diet was made famous when it was revealed by his doctor that, if elected, Trump

would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency,” according to Trump’s Twitter page. One can but assume that the 12 refreshing Diet Cokes enjoyed by the president every day have a big part to play in helping him maintain his excellent health. Indeed, the boost provided by each can gives him the much-needed energy that he needs for his high-powered job. Try getting that much energy or stress-busting aspartame from one of those green smoothie things. Buckets of fried chicken and Big Macs also supplement his diet and are packed with protein, which helps to explain why the president manages to maintain his sleek but muscular frame despite the stressful life he leads. This fact is the talk of most daytime chat shows.

RECENT STUDIES over the past few years have shown that people just aren’t satisfied with the current medical practices we have today. With the threat of corrupted doctors and unknown chemicals being used in prescription drugs, families have had to turn towards more traditional methods of treatment. 1. Dead mice. An ancient Egyptian remedy now coming back into the mainstream is the use of dead mice to cure ailments like toothaches, warts, measles, and the common cold. Supporters of this approach have been cutting these critters in half and applying them to the affected area — and have been seeing noticeable results! 2. S nake oil. Unappreciated in its time, snake oil is one of the best natural remedies for the common cold, asthma, back

leaf of oppression and pick up that golden cheeseburger of freedom that you’ve been eyeing all week! You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your country.

good for your health after all C H E RY L V E R S C H U E R E N

western drugs

MICHAEL CIMESA

Trump is, without a doubt, the healthiest president that ever lived. We could all learn a thing or two from his healthy lifestyle habits and choices. So the next time you’re tempted to give in to traditional health advice, think again! Put down that withered lettuce

Because stress is

People ditch

medicine

Lastly, the cocktail of chemicals created when the president eats Oreos, Vienna Fingers, and Diet Coke all in the same day surely has a preservative effect on his brain, making him immune to the effects that aging normally has on mental processes.

Five ways to increase stress on a budget

Modern medicine is causing more problems than it solves

for traditional

The POTUS thoroughly enjoys well done steak and ketchup, and Taco Tuesdays at Taco Bell, among other delicacies. | PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

Rubbing a mouse on your face is a folk remedy. | PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

pain, and has even been known to accelerate the healing of broken bones. It’s no wonder it’s become the latest hot, new, old alternative medicine. 3. Astrology. Another method that families have been utilizing to keep themselves healthy is astrology. With each zodiac sign connected to some aspect of the body, and each planet representing a specific illness, all you have to do is connect the dots between the planet that was visible the day you got sick and the zodiac sign for that day and you’ll instantly know what illness you have as well as what kind of remedy you’ll need to get better. What could be easier? Editor’s Note: This article includes information that may not be right for all readers. Always consult with your doctor or a wisdom-ous elder before making any changes to your diet, exercise plan, or use of pseudo-medication.

SCI E NTI STS FRO M O H I O have proven that increasing stress is in fact good for your health. In case final exams aren’t stressing you out enough, here are five student-friendly, low-cost methods to increase your stress levels. 1. Call your parents. When are you getting a job? When are you getting married? Are you eating and sleeping? Why are you stressed out? All these questions will have you worrying about your future in no time — all you have to do is call! 2. Don’t pay close attention to your healthy diet. This one is a multitiered hack, because not only will you save money and increase stress by being so busy you forget to eat well, but your immune system and sleep schedule will go all out of whack as well! You might even start to get dizzy more often and pass out, which will give you an impromptu nap and maybe even get you hospitalized. What’s more stressful than that? Do the same thing, but in America, so you can also worry about your hospital bills! 3. Watch the news. Nothing is more anxiety-inducing than

Breathing, blinking among high stress triggers for university students. PHOTO EDITED BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

thinking about the hellhole that is the rest of the world. 4. Stay up all night before an exam. Sleep? Who needs sleep! Why not stay up until 4 a.m. before an 8 a.m. exam for no reason other than to ruin tomorrow? Maybe you didn’t study enough. Maybe you can’t sleep anyway. Maybe you followed tip number two (haha number two) and want to increase your suffering. Maybe you need to write your weekly newspaper article

and forgot that it was due the next morning. It doesn’t matter! Just do it. 5. Keep on keeping on. If you’re reading this, you probably go to school and are dealing with the stress that accompanies it. Just keep doing that, even take some summer courses, and you’ll be the healthiest stressed out person on campus sooner than you can worry about a stress-free summer vacation!

F U N PAG E

THE ONTARION

THEONTARION.COM Stay on top of Guelph over the summer by visiting our website.

GET ON TOP OF summer TO DO LIST April 13 M-B Comedy #122: Nightmare on Cork St. Improvised horror 10 p.m. The Making-Box

April 11 to April 15 Kazoo! Fest 2018 Various times and venues

April 26 to 29 Monty Python’s Spamalot Musical comedy adapted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail; a highly irreverent parody 1:30 p.m. or 7:30 p.m. River Run Centre

summer

April 27

May 5

May 16

July 13-15

Roseanne Barr Stand-up comedy performance 8 p.m. River Run Centre

Free Comic Book Day Drop by either location of The Dragon to get a bunch of free comics and more! 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. The Dragon

Annie Sumi Honey Suite album release & tour kickoff 7:30 p.m. Silence

Hillside Festival A weekend-long “hippie” music festival Guelph Lake Conservation Area

May 9 to May 13

May 25 to June 9

July 21-23

The House of Blue Leaves This dark, irreverent comedy is dyed in the social fabric of 1965, long before political correctness was a thing Sun. 2 p.m./8 p.m. Guelph Little Theatre

U p t o w n Wa t e r l o o J a z z Festival

Baby Labour fundraiser gala Band plays 3 sets fundraising for new record and Sackville bee repopulation (They killed some bees on tour) 10 p.m. Jimmy Jazz

All New People by Zach Braff Debut production of Downtown Theatre Project Various times, The Making-Box

April 28

May 10

Guelph I❤︎<3Beer Festival Sample beers, plays games, eat food 1 p.m. to 7 p.m. Sleeman Centre

Road to Riverfest Elora: New Swears Ft. Drew Thomson Foundation & Cleopatrick 9:30 p.m. eBar

Falcon Jane Ft. New Staff 2:30 p.m. Brothers Brewing Company

May 4 GAIN Music Battle of the Bands 8 p.m. DSTRCT

May 15 Michale Graves of The Misfits! 8 p.m. DSTRCT

June 8 to 10 Guelph & District Multicultural Festival Family event featuring cultural performances, food, clothes, and more Riverside Park

June 24 Local Food Fest Ignatius Jesuit Centre 11 a.m. - 4 p.m.

August 4 to 6 The Pirate Festival Sword fighting, music, magic, and more Marden Park

August 24 to 26 Ribfest Eat ribs at a festival Riverside Park

August 30 New issue of The Ontarion on stands. Check out Guelph 101 (our special back to school guide).

F U N PAG E

THE ONTARION

CROSSWORD 1

For your chance to win TWO FREE BOB’S DOGS, submit a completed crossword to The Ontarion office, UC 264, by APRIL 17, 2018 at 3 P.M.

44 48

M E

R G

S M

A M

M E

D A

A N

O O N

A M

38 41

O N

A 51

D 52

G R

SUDOKU Fill in the empty squares so that each of the digits 1 through 9 appear once in each row, column, and 3-by-3 block.

6 1

59 65

O N

A G H

A M E

T S

O N

40 43

E A

I R

O M N

ANSWERS FROM 184.12

36 40

19 21

Crossword Winner from 184.12 RORY WEBER

This week’s winner will be announced through social media on APRIL 19, 2018 week and should collect their voucher at The Ontarion office.

3 4

6 8

9 1 9

Across

Down

1–James of “The Godfather”

1–Child’s plea

5–Rum cakes

2–Footless animal

10–Partly open

3–Dog star

14–Lhasa ___

4–Not anywhere

15–Without ___ in the world

5–Baseball club

16–Director Ephron

6–Zwei cubed

17–In spite of

7–Medieval steel helmet

20–Boise’s state

8–Threepio’s buddy

21–Juan’s uncle

9–Neptune’s realm

22–Cream-filled cookies

10–Guitarist Segovia

23–Finish

11– ___ de vivre

25–Nary a soul

12–Florence’s river

27–Two pairs

13–Torn clothing

31–Former Egyptian leader

18–Electrically charged

35–Dull pain, often in the

particles

head or back

19–Period of immaturity

36–Spice

24–Asses

38–Man-mouse link

26–Unity

39–Actor Erwin

27–Observes Ramadan

40–Travel on snow

28–Eight singers

41–”Wheel of Fortune” buy

29–Swahili for “freedom”

42–’Droid

30–The Ghost and Mrs. ___

43–Thrice, in prescriptions

32–Ferber novel

44–Add fizz

33–Eat away at

46–Cover up

34–Gives a 9.8, say

47–Poorly ventilated

37– ___ Hari

49–Communicating corridors

40–Adventurous expedition

51–Cowboy’s tool

45–Follower of Christ

53–Actor Mineo

46–Corridor

54–Mary of “The Maltese

48–Hovers

Falcon”

50–German river

57–Civil War inits.

52–Chilled soup

59–Foil maker

54–Type of D.A.

63–Direct

55–Fr. holy women

66–Chair

56–Mouse catcher

67–Asia’s ___ Peninsula

58–A long way off

68–Caesar’s wings

60–Racer Yarborough

69–Cookbook amts.

61–Port of Algeria

70–States

62–Summer coolers

71–Hankerings

64–”Today” rival, briefly

4 2

65–Yiddish plaints

5 4

9 7

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CL A SS I FI E DS Free Apartment for MANDARIN SPEAKERS! Free apartment for Mandarin speaker in exchange for teaching our young son Mandarin. Includes some child care and light household duties. Your accommodations include: private entrance, private kitchen and living room, private bedroom, private bathroom and shared laundry. Furnished. Utilities included. Families considered. Please email: melanie.blass@gmail.com

Yorklands Green Hub invites you to join us for our AGM (Annual General Meeting) and glimpse the future of the Yorklands Green Hub. A Big Vision for a Sustainable Future. Monday, April 23 at 7 p.m. The Red Papaya, Old Quebec Street – Downtown Guelph. Become a member, or renew your membership! yorklandsgreenhub.ca.

The Ontarion is setting aside space for three free classified ads in each issue. First come, first served. Free classified ads cannot be booked more than a week ahead of the issue they appear in. NEXT WEEK’S FREEBIES ARE AVAILABLE NOW. The deadline for the next issue of The Ontarion is 1 p.m. on Monday, August 27, 2018. Classified Ads have a limit of 90 words and start at $6/30 words. Email ontarion@uoguelph.ca to book yours.

Q +A W ITH G U E LPH

Do you believe in fake news?

PET OF THE WEEK

All news are fake news 16.7%

All news are real news 83.3%

PHOTO BY LAURA VAUTOUR

RESU LT S : ALL NEWS ARE FAKE NEWS: 16.7% ALL NEWS ARE REAL NEWS: 83.3%

RASCAL The Cat

Human: Laura Vautour Petâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Age: Seven years old Fun Fact: Rascal enjoys basking

in the afternoon sun role-playing as Rose DeWitt Bukater from Titanic, posing for a young Jack Dawson.

I S SU E 18 4.1 3

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| S TA FF YE A R B O O K

Class of 2018 AARON JACKLIN

Most likely to move to Jamaica, grow out his hair and open up a rum and coke bar on the beach. LORRIE TAYLOR

Most likely to beat Tiann Nantais in a scrapbooking competition. MIRALI ALMAULA

Most likely to run the world like Beyoncé and not take anyone’s shit.

AARON JACKLIN

LORRIE TAYLOR

MIRALI ALMAULA

Office Manager

Business Coordinator

Editor-in-Chief

MATTEO CIMELLARO

Most likely to say a joke out loud to the office, laugh at it, then realize no one else is in the office. LESLIE THOMPSON

Most likely to wake up in a musical and burst into song. CAROLYNN WHITEHOUSE

Most likely to tell you how nice you look that day when you haven’t even remembered to brush your hair.

MATTEO CIMELLARO

LESLIE THOMPSON

CAROLYNN WHITEHOUSE

Sports & Health Editor

Marketing Assistant

Copy Editor

PATRICK SUTHERLAND

Most likely to become a highly successful food critic/cereal connoisseur. FRANCES ESENWA

Most likely to save the day and then celebrate by watching Black Panther (again). KAREN K. TRAN

Most likely to get neck tattoos.

PATRICK SUTHERLAND

FRANCES ESENWA

KAREN K. TRAN

Ad & Marketing Coordinator

Director of Layout & Design

Digital Content Editor

PHOTOS BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

ALORA GRIFFITHS

Most likely to open a hybrid gym/bakery specializing in deadlifts and donuts. WILL WELLINGTON

Most likely to have too much belly button lint. TIANN NANTAIS

Most likely to be appointed to Justin Trudeau’s cabinet as minister of popsicles.

ALORA GRIFFITHS Photo & Graphics Editor

WILL WELLINGTON Arts & Culture Editor

TIANN NANTAIS News Editor

In Guelph for the summer? Beautiful places for a day trip are just around the corner | Rockwood

Elora

If you head down York Road towards Victoria Road and keep going, you’ll reach the small town of Rockwood. Just before the town, there’s a sign that says “Rockwood Conservation Area.” Hang a right here and you’ll find the entrance. There’s an awesome lake where you can go canoeing as well as a bunch of walking trails. Fun fact: Disney’s Camp Rock was filmed here. Don’t pretend you’re not geeking out a little bit.

The town of Elora is bustling in the summer, especially on weekends. There are some super cute restaurants here as well as ice cream stores and shops. A walk along the main street is adorable and free, but if you have some money to spare, grab some food at the Elora Brewing Company or check out the Elora Mews, a tiny shopping center near the historic Elora Mill.

E l or a G or g e / R iv e r The river in Elora makes for some great exploring. If you head past the Mill and up the hill (and fetch a pail of water, just joking), you should find a bunch of cars parked in a roundabout on your left. There’s an entrance off to the right where you descend some rock stairs and find yourself by the river. You can walk through the stream, or head down to the main part of the river to swim. Pro tip: you can rent tubes from the Grand River Conservation Authority and explore the river by tubing!

LESLIE THOMPSON

Elora Quarry

S t. J a c o b s

The man-made Elora Quarry is great for a summer’s day. It’s a bit farther down the road, but if you plug “Elora Quarry” into your GPS, you’ll get there in no time. This spot is super fun and features some smaller areas that you can jump off of into the water. Just note though that jumping from the higher surrounding cliffs is not permitted and is dangerous. There is also a nice area to sunbathe when you’re done swimming.

The small town of St. Jacobs has an adorable main street with quaint shops and restaurants. The highlight of the area, however, is the farmers’ market, located three kilometers south of the town. The market is open Thursdays and Saturdays from 7 a.m. to 3:30 p.m., and in the summer it’s open on Tuesdays from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. There are also some awesome local vendors to check out and amazing food to enjoy!

Summer hacks How to keep sand out of your snacks and your cracks T I A N N N A N TA I S WITH NO SCHOOL and hot weather (usually), summer can be the best season of the year for many of us. Going to the beach and road trips — two of my favourite activities — are so much easier when you’re not freezing your buns off. With that being said, the summer season does come with its own challenges. Here are a few tips to help you keep your drinks cold and your cracks sand-free this summer.

Which festival are you looking forward to going to this summer? PHOTOS BY KAREN K. TRAN

Guelph festivals that will keep you entertained all summer

1. Keep

your phone dry and free from sand at the beach by putting it in a plastic bag. You can still use the touch screen through the plastic. Just make sure to keep it out of the sun as well so it doesn’t overheat.

2. Hate

those little ice crystals in your ice cream? Put your ice cream container in a large freezer bag before sticking it in the freezer. Works every time.

3. If

K AREN K . TRAN THERE ARE PLENTY of festivals in and around Guelph to keep you entertained for every month of the summer. Whether it’s music, literary arts, or a cultural festival, there’s something new for everyone.

Many of the festivals provide shuttle buses and volunteer opportunities so you can sometimes get into the show for free. Here are a few festivals close to Guelph that are worth visiting.

Guelph & District M u lt i c u lt u r a l F e s t i va l WHEN: June 8 to 10 WHERE: Riverside Park, Guelph PRICE: Free WHAT TO EXPECT: Family event featuring

cultural performances, food from around the globe, a traditional outfit parade, children’s activities, Highland games, and midway rides.

Hillside Festival WHEN : July 13 to 15 WHERE: Guelph Lake

Guelph

Conservation Area,

PRICE: Weekend passes starting at $129 WHAT TO EXPECT: A local favourite, Hill-

side Festival is lovingly referred to as the “hippie festival” by festivalgoers. Their green initiatives are some of the best in the business and the festival organizes much more than just musical performances. Between visiting the spoken word stage, attending a DIY workshop, and listening to some local or internationally-acclaimed tunes, there’s lots to see and do.

Vans Warped Tour WHEN: July 17 WHERE: The Flats

Toronto PRICE: $59.50

at Budweiser Stage,

It’s the final crosscountry run of the legendary touring rock festival, so you can expect this year’s Warped Tour to be the best one yet. The festival is known for its unpredictability when it comes to their performance schedule — which isn’t released until the day of — so get there early because you never know what time your favourite band may be playing and if there will be any surprise guests! LINEUP HIG HLIG HTS: Sum 41, Mayday Parade, 3OH!3, Simple Plan, Tonight Alive, The Maine, Silverstein WHAT TO E XPEC T:

Eden Mills Writers’ Festival WHEN: Sept. 7 to 9 WHERE: Village of Eden Mills PRICE: $20; $15 students (advanced tickets) WHAT TO EXPECT: Dozens of acclaimed

and emerging authors and poets visit this annual festival for readings and book signings. The festival includes programming for children, teens, and adults. Past visiting authors include Margaret Atwood, Miriam Toews, Emma Donoghue, and Naomi Klein.

Guelph Jazz Festival WHEN: Sept. 12 to 16 WHERE: Various venues around Guelph PRICE: Ranging from $10 to $30, or free,

depending on the scheduled event Now in its 25th year, the annual five-day festival has consistently strived to make its program accessible to everyone by offering free and affordable pricing for their events, and by engaging audiences through educational initiatives.

WHAT TO EXPECT:

Riverfest Elora WHEN: Aug. 17 to 19 WHERE: Bissell Park, Elora PRICE: Weekend passes $130 WHAT TO EXPECT: This year’s

iteration of Riverfest Elora celebrates their 10th anniversary, and the festival organizers did not disappoint with their lineup. Not only is there an emphasis on Canadian acts and local talent, but over 50 per cent of the performers on the lineup include at least one woman as a member. That’s significant considering that the music industry is still dominated by men. LINEUP HIGHLIGHTS: The Flaming Lips, Blue Rodeo, Carly Rae Jepsen, July Talk, Bedouin Soundclash, Dear Rouge

Summer Songs

Sarah Seukeran & Karen K. Tran

Ontarion Web

you forget to put your drinks in the fridge ahead of time, or you simply run out of cold ones, wrap the can or bottle in a wet paper towel and then place it in the freezer for 10 minutes. The freezing paper towel up against the bottle will chill your drink in record time. Bam, science!

4. Ice

cubes are great for keeping a drink cold, but sometimes when they melt they can dilute your delicious beverage. Try using frozen fruit as a substitute, or pour juice into an ice cube tray to prevent your drinks from getting watery.

5. Hate

those painful sunburns? Try staying inside all summer long! Like abstinence, it’s the only method that’s 100 per cent effective.

6. To

keep sand from getting in all those awkward places, try… just kidding — there’s no solution. Enjoy that sandy crack.

1. Brand New — Pharrell Williams, Justin Timberlake 2. Flat Champagne — Dan Caplen, RAY BLK 3. Summerboy — Lady Gaga 4. Tuesday on the Rocks — KES And The Band 5. Out Of Time — Skosgrå 6. Up Top — Busty and the Bass 7. Island In The Sun — Weezer 8. Ocean Avenue — Yellowcard 9. High of 75 — Relient K 10. Rebel Sun — Beach Weather

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EDITORIAL

THE ONTARION

4w | Pu I PsE LI D ECI F o l0l o @NE the o n tSaI ONS rion

0 6 | WINTERSLEEP

Dear Guelph In this always crazy and overwhelming world, you have the ability to be light.

Leslie Thompson, class of 2018 and marketing assistant at The Ontarion. | PHOTO BY KAREN K. TRAN

An ode to the campus that helped raise me LESLIE THOMPSON

grew up fast. In high school, I was forced to deal with the passing of a sibling on top of a plethora of mental health issues. It wasn’t easy. What I didn’t know, however, was just how much I’d missed out on from being a 30-year-old in a 16-year-old’s body. Strangely enough, despite complaints about the course load and having no time for anything, it was at university that I was able to really enjoy life again, and to

The Ontarion Inc.

find the things I hadn’t realized I’d missed out on. I remember the day I got accepted to the University of Guelph. I had only applied to appease my mom and dad, and had applied for the French program because I didn’t know what else to do. At first, I didn’t want to go to Guelph. I was adamant that I would leave home — I had lived at home my whole life, and didn’t want to go to university in the city where I grew up. Luckily for me, financial restraints kept me here.

I thank God every day that it did. It was at the University of Guelph that I finally branched out and made new — and amazing — friends. It was at Guelph that I racked up significant opportunities for my CV, and actually enjoyed doing it. It was at Guelph that I picked up sports again for the first time since childhood. It was at Guelph that I took the leap and studied abroad, and had one of the best semesters of my life. It was at Guelph where I found my passion for history again. It was at Guelph where I realized that your peers and elders really do want the best for you. It was at Guelph where I discovered that you can succeed despite your mental health issues. It feels like it all happened at Guelph. I became who I am today, and

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I can see who I want to be — at Guelph. Yes, I grew up fast in high school, but I’m starting to see it as a blessing in disguise. All those days of working from home because I was too anxious to go to class, all that time hating myself for being behind in my graduation, all that time worried about making new friends for fear of rejection — it prepared me to enjoy even more the things that university had in store for me. So here’s a thank you. To Karen Racine, who constantly reminded me that the world IS big and scary, but worth it, and who did not question me when I decided to write a research paper’s subsection titles in Elvish; to John Walsh, who made the endless statues of Ancient Greece and Rome discernable and even interesting to the point of a new obsession; to William Cormack, who let me write one of my favourite — and, it turns out, best — papers on the obscure history of Polish servicemen who served with the Allies in the Second World War,

CONTRIBUTORS Samantha Casey Fiona Cashell Mars Chester Chow Michael Cimesa Cat Cooper Madigan Cotterill Tasha Falconer Beren Garvie Patrick Gilmore Odesia Howlett Ariana Longley George Longley Spencer McGregor Laurel McLeod Emily Reimer Hannah Ruuth Barbara Salsberg Mathews Sarah Seukeran Hamaad Shehzad

and for encouraging me to not let my language skills go to waste; to Kevin James, for being the first prof to show me that profs actually do care about their students as people; to Brandon Carroll, for going above and beyond to help me succeed during one of many difficult times; and lastly, to Margot Irvine, for reminding me why I love the French language and the people who speak it. Thank you for your respect, encouragement, and enthusiasm. To every first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth year — enjoy every moment here, and take every opportunity you can. Trust me, you can do it, even when it desperately feels like you can’t. Also, a reminder: everyone has their own clock. Don’t rush it. To every single friend I made here, thank you for letting me be myself and loving me for it. To the classes I took and the unmentioned profs who taught them, thank you for reminding me why I love learning. To my peers and g raduating class, it’s been an honour. Go forth and conquer the world with wisdom, grace, and tolerance. Remember every lesson you learned here, but above all, remember the most important one — that in this always crazy and overwhelming world, you have the ability to be light; To do good; To squash the absurdities and screaming voices of racism, sexism, religious intolerance, and homophobia. I really do believe we can all do great things, and be even better people. Once a Gryphon, always a Gryphon. Thanks, Guelph.

CONTRIBUTORS Megan Sullivan Cheryl Verschueren

The Ontarion is a non-profit organization governed by a Board of Directors. Since The Ontarion undertakes the publishing of student work, the opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of The Ontarion staff and Board of Directors. The Ontarion reserves the right to edit or refuse all material deemed sexist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise unfit for publication as determined by the Editor-in-Chief. Material of any form appearing in this newspaper is copyrighted 2017 and cannot be reprinted without the approval of the Editor-in-Chief. The Ontarion retains the right of first publication on all material. In the event that an advertiser is not satisfied with an advertisement in the newspaper, they must notify The Ontarion within four working days of publication. The Ontarion will not be held responsible for advertising mistakes beyond the cost of advertisement. The Ontarion is printed by Hamilton Web.

W W W.T H EO N TA R I O N .CO M

I S SU E 18 4.1 3

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| S O C IA L S

#IWriteTheOntarion

PET OF THE WEEK

PHOTO BY KAREN K. TRAN

PHOTO BY CATHY COLE

MEADOW The Golden Retriever

Human: Cathy Cole (@0ntheverge on Instagram) Pet’s Age: 10 years old Fun Fact: Meadow is the official On The Verge greeter who brings a copy of The Ontarion to customers.

Hannah Ruuth FIRST YE AR PUBLIC MANAGEMENT MA JOR

What is your favourite part about writing for The Ontarion?

must continue to strive for an inclusive learning environment.

By volunteering with The Ontarion, I have the opportunity to interview so many amazing community leaders. It’s always interesting to learn more about the Guelph community and its residents.

What are your favourite things about the Guelph community?

W h at i s o n e of yo u r favo u r i te things that you’ve covered for The Ontarion?

My favourite thing about the Guelph community is the Farmer’s Market. There’s nothing I love more than fresh fruits and vegetables (other than cake), which can all be purchased at the Farmer’s Market. Tell us one fun fact about yourself.

My favourite story I covered was the classwide walkout after a professor made discriminatory remarks to a student with disabilities. This story was significant because it showed the unity of the student body, and their fight for a more inclusive education. It demonstrated the challenges our education system continues to face and how we

UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH

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From May through August, the University of Guelph offers on-campus accommodations to the community and the general public. Student rates starting at: $34.00/night. SERVICES INCLUDE:

• Free Parking • Laundry facilities • Access to university amenities • Free wireless internet • Full bathroom & kitchen access

To minimize my carbon footprint, I use a steel straw! Americans use more than 500 million plastic straws a day, which fills 125 school buses. If we all stopped using plastic straws, there would be a lot less plastics in our oceans.

@Hannah_Ruuth

@ontarion

@hannahruuth

@theontarion @theontarion The Ontarion

We’re celebrating our awesome contributors! Interested in volunteering? Drop by the office in UC264 or email Aaron at ontarion@uoguelph.ca for more info!

O PI N I O N

A PR I L 1 2, 2018

TH E O NTA R I O N

Highlights of Sustainability Week 2018 Six days of action to encourage 365 days of commitment SAMANTHA CASEY

SUSTAINABILITY WEEK is a completely student-run, student-led initiative here at the University of Guelph. The week aims to highlight sustainability issues and innovative solutions that could be used in the Guelph community, both on and off campus. This year’s Sustainability Week was run through a political science experiential learning credit, which allowed the coordinators to research and critically reflect on sustainability and the means by which to achieve it. This year’s theme for Sustainability Week was the United Nations’ Sustainable Development Goals (SDG) through local actions, which aim to show how individual actions can contribute towards the success of reaching the 17 overarching goals. Ultimately, the goal was to have six days of action that encouraged 365 days of commitment, whether it be through encouraging people to skip ordering straws, using a beeswax wrap to pack their food in, or participating in the thrift clothing trend.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE WEEK MONDAY FOOD

I had the pleasure of coordinating the Food Security and Sustainable Food Systems day, which was the perfect kickoff day for Sustainability Week since the University of Guelph is known as Canada’s “Food University.” This day had events that covered various food-related issues, which many of you might have seen or attended. A few of the highlights were the Pollination Blitz, which was a fundraising event to appreciate pollinators and their ecological services. The event raised $300.80 for Bees for Development, an international beekeeping organization. T he exec ut ive d irec t or of Hunger Project Canada also gave an amazing presentation on the importance of empowering women in agriculture and shared their strategy for sustainable development globally. There was even an amazing documentary screening of Food Evolution, which was the perfect event for an agri-food collaboration since it combined all of Guelph’s food-related organizations into one event. TUESDAY CITIES & COMMUNITIES

This day was themed around

Sustainability Week organizers, 2018. | PHOTOS PROVIDED BY SAMANTHA CASEY

how to achieve sustainable communities and what that would look like. Wendy Li, the coordinator of this day, ran two incredible events that utilized the landscape architecture program here on campus. The design charrette was an event that had individuals draw up designs for how they would use a specific spot on campus in ways that integrate sustainability initiatives such as pollinator gardens with outdoor study space. The Pecha Kucha talk was a Japaneseinspired panel discussion that had various industry professionals talk about how their work helps to create more sustainable communities. Both were incredible events in engaging students and professionals to collaborate together to show how sustainability can be designed or integrated into a community, which is the UN’s SDG #11 Sustainable Communities. The results of the design charrette will be on display at the University of Guelph Sustainability Office. WEDNESDAY HEALTH, WELL-BEING & GENDER EQUALITY

The third day of the week was focused on the concept of ecohealth and gender equality. This day sparked conversations around the connections between inequalities in societies around the world and environmental issues. The coordinator for this day was Paige O’Neill, who ran a plant sale promoting well-being through indoor plants. The day also included a sex bingo event. THURSDAY WATER

Thursday was World Water Day, so it worked perfectly for

A great way to show the importance of collective power. coordinator Emily De Sousa, who is the TapIn! campaign coordinator and an avid marine conservationist. Emily ran an amazing sustainable seafood cook-off on the food day on the Monday and an amazing water talks panel discussion that highlighted various issues surrounding water governance. This day also included some activism here on campus from the TapIn! campaign, which promotes a campus free of bottled water. FRIDAY CONSUMPTION & PRODUCTION

Friday was coordinated by Emma Fox, whose sustainable lifestyle was perfect for coordinating the Responsible Consumption day. If you went into the UC on March 23, you probably saw her sustainable business fair, that had 12 local vendors whose businesses actively apply or promote sustainability practices. Friday also included a very popular clothing swap and zero waste workshop run by Kelsea Walker.

This day was completed with the Music 4 Change fundraising concert that had amazing local bands perform tunes to raise funds for Community Led Animal Welfare (CLAW). Their concert was a great way to show the importance of collective power, especially when it comes to fundraising. SATURDAY MOVING FORWARD

The final day of the week was the Moving Forward day, which aimed to encourage conversations around ways to achieve sustainability at different political scales. This day had a KAIROS blanket exercise for individuals to learn more about the history of Canada’s settlement through a visual, interactive experience. Overall, Sustainability Week was a huge success and, on behalf of all the coordinators, I would love to thank all volunteers, collaborative partners, and attendees of the events for helping make this week successful and possible. If you missed out on events during

this year’s Sustainability Week, don’t worry, as there is always next year’s Sustainability Week to look forward to! And remember: it’s always the right time to take action and make a commitment towards a more sustainable future.

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OPINION

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1 9 | DEAR GUELPH

@ t h e ont ar i o n

Brass Taps: The final draught? Bad service coupled with strange policies drives away customers B E R E N G A RV I E

THE BRASS TAPS is

a popular place, and one would have to look far and wide on campus to find someone who hasn’t been to the campus pub at least once. But, following an incident that occured in late March, I was left wondering if its popularity was more due to convenience rather than good service.

The incident in question played out like this:

The Ontarion was having a get together for its staff and volunteers. I arrived at 8 p.m. and settled down for a pleasant evening. People were chatting, laughs were echoing, and all was well with the world. I had just moved tables and was engaged in conversation when I heard a voice. I turned around to see a security guard, asking for IDs. It turns out that The Brass Taps has a policy that requires all customers under the age of 19 to leave at 9 p.m., and since I was a month away from my 19th birthday, I had to bid my friends farewell and head home. Needless to say, I was not pleased, and was left with many questions. Perhaps, I thought to myself, they feared underage customers would become so excited by the sight of alcohol being served that a riot would ensue? A more feasible explanation is that they are simply too lazy to check the IDs of people buying alcohol all night. Either way, to have an establishment at the university that discriminates against so many undergraduates is not just troubling, but unacceptable. I sent a letter of complaint to The Brass Taps, describing what had happened and asking for an explanation. About a week later, the assistant manager contacted me (rather graciously as it happens) and informed me that: “As per our policy, we do ask underage patrons to leave at 9 p.m., this policy is in place to protect the safety of our liquor licence and venue.”

The campus pub, Brass Taps, is located on second floor of the University Centre. | PHOTO BY ALORA GRIFFITHS

She also let me know that a gift card had been set aside for me (presumably only for use before 9 p.m.), and the possibility “to ask management to stay a little later” existed (a fact never communicated to me on the night I was there). While the response was indeed good public relations, it doesn’t change what happened or the fact that a policy born out of sheer sloth is making young people feel unwelcome in the very environment where they are supposed to feel most comfortable. Setting this aside, I decided to ask a few people about their experiences at The Brass Taps. T h e a n swe r s I g o t s u g g e s t greater problems rather than a single bad policy.

Nicholas Antonacci said: “Once seated, it takes tens of minutes to even get served, let alone order. It once took me 30 minutes from having my table cleared to even receive a bill. I’ve never had a more terrible dining experience than the ones I’ve had at The Brass Taps.” Strong words indeed. Cat Cooper added: “ T heir treatment of customers is at best unprofessional. Hospitality is all about customer service, but I think that mentality is absent to a certain degree at Brass Taps.” Finally, Thomas Sokoloski replied: “Once you pick your seat,

it takes 45+ minutes for the server to come over. Overall, really long wait times made me not want to go back.” Although these are just three people, these words seem to be representative of the general sentiment expressed by the many students I spoke to about The Brass Taps. If The Brass Taps truly does care about customer service and providing a pleasant dining experience for everyone who visits, I think they should do a bit of soul searching. They need to ask themselves if the 9 p.m. policy is really worth it. They need to determine how to reduce wait times and improve the effectiveness of their staff. If they don’t, they may find, over time, that as word spreads of their poor service, people may simply stop going.

A policy born out of sheer sloth is making young people feel unwelcome.

S P O RT S & H E A LTH |

A PR I L 1 2, 2018

TH E O NTA R I O N

TALK N E R DY TO M E

Venerate yourself with a vibrator Many females are uncomfortable telling their partners that they use a vibrator, while others are concerned about insulting their partner. Generally, partners supported females’ use of vibrators. A study done at the University of Guelph found that the use of a vibrator in partnered sexual activity reduced pressure for males. Additionally, the study, which used the We-Vibe (a partnered vibrator), found that the vibrator increased pleasure, excitement, and intimacy. Overall, vibrators can positively impact your sex life and should not be a source of embarrassment.

The benefits and side effects of a popular sex toy TA S H A FA LC O N E R

V I B R AT O R S A R E H A N D H E L D

electronic devices that produce vibrations used to enhance sexual arousal. A group of researchers out of Indiana University investigated vibrator use in the United States. They found that 44 per cent of men and 53 per cent of women had used a vibrator. Generally, males use vibrators more during partnered sexual play, whereas females use vibrators more when alone during masturbation. Vibrators are most commonly used for fun, to spice up a couple’s sex life, to enhance partner pleasure, or out of curiosity. Vibrators have benefits and a few side effects. The researchers from Indiana University found that those who use vibrators have

higher sexual functioning than people who do not use vibrators. Sexual functioning includes many aspects, such as desire, arousal, orgasm, and lack of pain. Relationship status and sexual orientation also affect certain aspects of sexual functioning that may be improved. The researchers also found a connection between vibrator use and health-promoting behaviours, such as having a gynecologic exam in the past year, or a genital self-exam in the previous month. However, it is possible that people who use vibrators are more likely to engage in these health-promoting behaviours due to their higher levels of comfort with sexuality or personality traits. Some side effects that females noted included genital numbness,

Tasha Falconer is completing her M.Sc. in Health Psychology at Trent University where she studies sexuality. Tr e a t y o u r s e l f w i t h a v i b r a t o r, i t ’ s g o o d f o r y o u r h e a l t h . IllUSTRATION BY FRANCES ESENWA

pain, or irritation. Inflammation and cuts were also found by some females. While these side effects affected up to 17 per cent of females, the symptoms generally did not last long and were not very severe.

Most people who used a vibrator had purchased the vibrator for themselves or for their partner. Simple vibrators can be bought at your local drug store. You can also get them from sex shops or online.

BacTEAria: Would you like some bacteria with your tea? Kombucha, the fermented health tonic, resurfacing in recent years M A D I G A N C OT T E R I L L

2018 has seen some interesting beverage trends. From matcha lattes to mushroom coffee, individuals have been pretty open to trying new things. But what about live bacteria? Cue kombucha. Many people are already aware of this popular fermented tea drink, but may not be aware of the countless benefits that come with this ancient health tonic. Kombucha has been filling the shelves of many health food stores and has been acquired by many health brands, including Synergy, Kevita, and Tonica. Often thought of as the “fountain of youth drink,” kombucha provides the body with numerous health benefits, such as: • Lowering cholesterol • Improving digestion • Providing support for the liver • Lowering blood pressure • It has even been thought to eliminate wrinkles SO FAR,

Dating back almost 2,000 years, kombucha originated in China where it was thought to ward

off ailments such as cancer and help protect the immune system. Individuals who are new to kombucha may be deterred by the sour, almost stale, smell of the drink. Although this is a characteristic of the beverage, most brands that sell kombucha have attempted to improve the taste of the drink by adding flavours and sweeteners. As the drink is already made by fermenting black tea and sugar, adding excess sugar to the beverage can decrease the health benefits and cause more harm than good. As well, the price of premade kombucha is not always cheap, with prices ranging from $4 to over $10 a bottle. An easy way to work around these issues is to simply make your own! From experience, not only is it much cheaper but is also super simple. 1. Purchase

a SCOBY disk (Symbiotic Culture Of Bacteria and Yeast). This will allow the bacteria in your kombucha to grow and thrive. 2. Introduce the SCOBY disk to a mixture of boiled sugar and tea. 3. Wait about two weeks for your kombucha to ferment. 4. Enjoy! If you are interested in making your own kombucha, you can often find starter kits in health food stores, such as Whole Foods, or you can order kits online. If buying kombucha, the biggest thing to

THEONTARION.COM

DIY Kombucha is easy, cheap, and often a healthier alternative to the store bought beverages. | PHOTO BY MADIGAN COTTERILL

remember is to not be drawn in by the fancy brands and flavours. When made properly, and created without the addition of massive amounts of sugar, kombucha can be a great alternative to highercalorie, carbonated beverages, and can help improve overall digestion. If you’ve never tried kombucha, and want to try it, I urge you to push past the initial sour taste and be open to consuming this natural energy booster. Who knows, you may really enjoy it!

Dating back almost 2,000 years, kombucha originated in China.

SPORTS & HEALTH

THE ONTARION

24 | V I B RATOR S

24 | KOMBUC HA

@ Ont ar i on _ S p o r t s

Humboldt bus crash leaves 15 dead and the world in mourning University of Guelph athlete played for Broncos during 2014-15 season C AT C O O P E R

ON THE AFTERNOON of Friday, April 6, at an intersection in northern Saskatchewan, a semitrailer truck collided with the Humboldt Broncos hockey team bus. The force of the collision sent both vehicles into the ditch on the other side of the intersection tragically killing 15 of the 29 people on the bus. University of Guelph student and varsity hockey player, Matt Kenney, played for the Humboldt Broncos in the 2014-15 season, and shared his thoughts about the collision with CTV News Kitchener. “[Road trips] are where you get that tight bond. It’s where you make your friends — you’re on that bus, you’re laughing, you’re telling jokes, you’re singing songs with each other,” Kenney said. “It’s just heartbreaking to hear.” Support has been f looding in from around the world. A GoFundMe page started by a

After the tragedy captured a nation, Canadians have been leaving their hockey sticks outside their front doors to honour those that we lost. PHOTO COURTESY OF CBC

resident of Humboldt has raised over $5 million in two days, which is one of the top five highest-ever GoFundMe campaigns, and is still growing. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau travelled to the town on Sunday to attend the remembrance service for the victims, along with

Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe, and Hockey Night in Canada personalities Don Cherry and Ron MacLean. The team and their families have also received public support from the professional hockey sphere and the NHL, as well as prominent political leaders like

Queen Elizabeth and President Donald Trump. Moments of silence were held in hockey arenas all over North America on Saturday night, with players sporting Broncos stickers on their helmets and jerseys. People have also been using #PrayForHumboldt on social

media to commemorate the athletes and bring attention to the tragedy. At the time of writing, the RCMP declined to comment on the cause of the crash, saying that it was too early to comment. #PrayForHumboldt

Title watch: Raptors’ road to the finals Toronto Raptors clinch first seed for first time in franchise history, set eyes on more HAMA AD SHEHZAD

are having their best regular season in franchise history. With their Friday night win over the Indiana Pacers, the Raptors simultaneously clinched the number one seed in the Eastern Conference and earned their franchise-record 57th win of the season. Power forward Serge Ibaka led the team with a season-high 25 points, along with eight boards. After two frustrating losses to the Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers, who are the biggest competitors that the Raptors may face in the playoffs, fans started to worry about the shape of the Raptors going into the postseason.

T H E TO R O N TO R A P TO R S

In the past two games since those losses, the Raptors have defeated the Celtics by 18 points and the Pacers by 19, holding both teams to season-low point totals (78 and 73, respectively). Despit e a record-break ing season for the Raptors, one in which they have completely altered their playing style by shifting to an emphasis on team effort, Kyle Lowry acknowledges the fact that the true test is yet to come. The NBA playoffs are set to begin Saturday, April 14. “We understand that everything we do now in the regular season, everyone’s gonna say, ‘they’ve done that before, blah blah blah.’ We

understand that. We know it’s long playoff run or it’s worth nothing to us,” Lowry told ESPN. The Raptors are often ridiculed for their subpar playoff performances, with Lowry and DeMar DeRozan often being singled out for their individual performances. This year, they can take some of the weight off their shoulders if their teammates help out. Ibaka will be a big factor in the playoffs. The Raptors are 22-7 when he scores over 15 points in the game. Ibaka needs to become a part of a “big three” on the Raptors, rather than lagging behind Lowry and DeRozan. If he can provide valuable and consistent offensive and defensive plays, the Raptors’ starting unit will be in good shape. At the moment, the biggest concern for the playoffs is small forward CJ Miles. Coming off the bench, he was added for his deadly three-point shot and defense. Over

the past nine games, Miles has shot just 11 out of 51 from beyond the arc (that’s 21.6 per cent) while averaging over 20 minutes per game. He will need to step it up in a big way in the postseason to prove himself to fans.

The rest of the bench has been exceptional this season. Led by second year guard, Fred VanVleet, they will have a crucial role in the playoffs this year. If they can continue their stellar defense and fast-paced offense in the postseason when rotations get smaller, the Raptors should be able to achieve a very deep playoff run. With less than one week left until the playoffs begin, it looks like the Raptors will play one of three possible opponents: 1. Milwaukee Bucks 2. Miami Heat 3. Washington Wizards

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Each team has beat the Raptors once this season, and the Heat will go head-to-head with the Raptors once again on April 11, which is the last day of the regular season. The Raptors are awaiting a challenging playoffs matchup, but they seem ready for what’s to come.

A RT S & CU LTU R E

A PR I L 1 2, 2018

Lights brings the sounds of Skin & Earth to life in Kitchener

TH E O NTA R I O N

Lights performed many songs from her latest album, but didn’t forget to include old favourites such as “Second Go” and “Toes.” PHOTOS BY KAREN K. TRAN

Ten years since her first record, Lights shows how to captivate a crowd FIONA CASHELL

IT’S BEEN 10 YEARS since

Lights began touring, and you could tell from the energy she brought to Kitchener’s Elements Nightclub on April 6. The show was her second-last stop on the We Were Here Tour, which started in January. While her stage presence is as impactful as ever, much has changed for Lights over the past 10 years. Her style has evolved since her beginnings as a MuchMusic darling, and while synths (which arrived onstage in a pizza box) still made an appearance in her set, her sound has matured, as best exemplified by her song “Savage” — the angriest song she’s ever released. Her set was accompanied by animated segments from the six-issue comic series, Skin & Earth, which she published alongside her album of the same name in 2017. Lights was also joined by Elora-based DJ DCF, who — after encountering some technical issues at the beginning of his set — got the crowd dancing. Vancouver’s Dear Rouge followed, filling the club with an electric energy with tracks from their new album, PHASES. Lead singer Danielle McTaggart had all eyes on her as she moved around the stage, exuding pure confidence.

While her stage presence is as impactful as ever, much has changed for Lights over the past 10 years. Throughout the concert, Lights showcased her diverse talents, from dancing around the stage as she performed her hit “Toes,” to slowing it down with acoustic renditions of both “Oil And Water” and Cher’s “Believe.” She closed the show with “Almost Had Me,” the final song on her album, which also serves as a conclusion for the story told through her album and comics. The venue was packed, with fans varying in age from preteen to middle age, all equally captivated by her show the entire way.

Danielle McTaggart of Dear Rouge captivated the audience with her confident stage presence.

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| A RT S & CU LTU R E

U of G band No Boys make their Kazoo! Fest debut Jonathan St Michael talks friendship and band dynamics W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

THIS WEEK , K a zoo! Fest , an annual indie music and art festival, takes over downtown Guelph with over 50 musical acts. That line-up includes veteran performers like Beverly Glenn-Copeland, and experienced younger bands like Mauno and Luge. It also includes No Boys, a quartet of U of G students who have played less than 10 shows. Their inexperience doesn’t indicate their ability, however. Singer-guitarist Jonathan St Michael, bassist Anne-Marie Walters, lead guitarist Emily Reimer, and drummer Trevor Cooke have worked hard to develop an adept, jangly indie-pop sound perfectly matched to their cathartic, emotional tunes. With a debut EP on the horizon, No Boys are only going up. I spoke to St Michael about the origin of No Boys and why he writes the songs that he does. Will Wellington: Am I right in assuming that you are the main songwriter of No Boys? Jonathan St Michael: Pretty much. In terms of chord structure and lyrics, I’m the main songwriter. When it comes down to actually implementing the songs,

Trevor, Anne-Marie, and Emily do their own parts. Obviously, we bounce ideas off each other, but I structure the songs. WW: How did you start writing songs? JSM: My dad’s always played guitar, and I guess, as a way to impress him, I picked up guitar. He’s always kind of been like, “Oh, it’s not that great,” and then I’d be like, “Alright, I guess I’ve got to get better.” I feel like everyone plays guitar in high school. I played in a band, but they went in more of a punk direction, and I like more indie stuff, more “pop” so to speak. I wrote some songs by myself, and then contacted Trevor because I knew he wanted to be in a band. Then we started working off that last year. WW: The songs that you’re playing with No Boys, those are the ones that came out of that post-high school period? JSM: Most of the stuff we play now is actually stuff that I’ve come up with in the past year or so. A lot of the stuff that I wrote posthigh school is more acoustic, and more angsty. But I’m trying to bring more jazz or pop elements to No Boys to make it more of a band dynamic and less of a solo thing. WW: You said that the older songs were more angsty. What are you trying to get at in the newer songs? JSM: A lot of the lyrics are personal because it’s easier to draw from personal experience when songwriting. I like to discuss heartbreak and being lonely — they are angsty, but less so a teenage angst,

From left to right, Trevor Cooke, Anne-Marie Walters, Emily Reimer, and Jonathan St Michael gear up for a performance on CFRU. | PHOTO BY WILL WELLINGTON

and more [about] getting into your twenties and experiencing what love is like, interacting with that kind of framework. W W: W h a t ’s “ Br a nd on” about? JSM: Oh, that’s one of the more angsty ones. One of my friends— WW: Is his name Brandon? JSM: Yeah. We’re still friends now, but we used to be pretty close, and as the years have gone by we’re not as close anymore — [I’m] commenting on the loss of friendship, and growing up. WW: To me, it’s really cool that you write songs about friendship, “Antonio” being a great example. What’s “Antonio” about? JSM: Probably the biggest source of inspiration for that song

is my roommate, Antonio. All the lyrics are based off of inside jokes. The opening lyric is “What’s your favourite episode? / I’ll make it easy, top five.” Because the first time we met, he was like, “Hey, what’s your favourite episode of Spongebob?” and I was like, “Uhhhhhh,” and he was like, “Okay, I’ll make it easy for you: top five.” That song is just an ode to Antonio. W W: When you played at Silence, there was something you wanted to do at the end of your set for one of your friends in the audience. What was that you wanted to play? JSM: “Fastonio” — which is “Antonio,” but faster. WW: Is there a reason you

w rite about friendship, as opposed to romantic love? JSM: I’ve always found that a lot of my personal issues don’t necessarily stem from romantic love, but more so a loss of friendship. Friendship in the modern day is kind of hard. I mean, you lose friends, you gain friends, and it’s kind of tough maintaining friendships. Everyone has friends, everyone can kind of relate to growing up, maturing, and the loss associated with that. Read the full interview at theontarion.com

[ir]REGULAR + [ir]RATIONAL displays diverse painting practices Reflecting on the work of my peers at the Boarding House Gallery L AU R E L M C L E O D

ON MARCH 29, the Boarding House Gallery held a reception for the painting exhibition [ir]REGULAR + [ir]RATIONAL. This exhibition featured the culminating works of 19 artists, including myself, from the University of Guelph’s capstone painting class taught by Professor John Kissick. Though each of the works could not have been more different, they all spoke to one another whether through content, palette, or style as they hung side by side filling the gallery walls. The opening itself was busy right from the get-go.

Inside the building, viewers were first met with Virginia Redden’s painting Parallel Line, which set the tone for the rest of show with its captivating quality. This vibrant painting depicted a world of its own with areas of colour supported by architectural lines in the background. Waves of beaming faces, happy chatter, and, of course, the essential snacks and refreshments that go along with art viewing were next in line before heading into the gallery. Catalogues were available with each artist’s name, painting, and a creative description to go along with their work for viewers to consider as they walked through the space. Rather than provide the typical artist statement, the content for each painter was written by another in the group and took the form of poetry, narrative, or dreamscape. Christina Molenaar took a lighthearted approach in describing my painting, Rumination, and wrote: “These works are

Styles in the show ranged from pop art kitsch, to alternative landscape, to multimedia blasting out of the frame. | PHOTO COURTESY OF LAUREL MCLEOD

contemporary and fresh, making her configurations on canvas come to life… These works will leaf you breathless.” This show was anything but regular or rational. Michelle Ouellet’s Wilton 6B used cake decorating techniques in her painting, intricately weaving acrylic paint across the surface of the canvas. Abby Nowakowski’s work, the boys wanna

be her, combined traditional and nontraditional methods and materials, including tape and string, to create an installation that engaged the architecture and surrounding space. Natura Safe Strip by Emelie Robertson transformed landscape by using a router to gouge away the painted wood surface. The show was the best combination of irregular and irrational.

Participating in this exhibition showed me how diverse individual painting practices can be... Participating in this exhibition showed me how diverse individual painting practices can be even when working, collaborating, and critiquing together as a group for the past year in Painting III and IV. [ir]REGULAR + [ir]RATIONAL was a highlight of my own painting career at the University of Guelph and I’m so excited to see where it will lead all 19 of us.

ARTS & CULTURE

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Speedy Ortiz readies their detailed, fiery new record Twerp Verse incorporates material from home demos W I L L W E L L I N G TO N

began Speedy Ortiz, her acclaimed Massachusetts-based indie rock band, in 2011 with an EP and full-length demo for which she recorded every instrument. Soon after, Speedy Ortiz bloomed into a full-band, with which Dupuis has released two studio records, Major Arcana and Foil Deer. Dupuis then returned to her bedroom-recording roots with a solo pop-rock record under the name Sad13. Now, Speedy Ortiz is back with a politically charged new record, Twerp Verse, featuring long-time members Darl Ferm and Mike Falcone on bass and drums, and with the addition of new guitarist Andy Molholt. Two singles (with memorable videos) have already hit the web: “Lucky 88” is a synth-driven anthem, both cynical and full of hope, while “Lean In When I Suffer” is as twisted as Speedy has ever been. I spoke to Dupuis about Speedy’s new sounds and techniques. WW: I know that you write the songs in Speedy Ortiz, but when it comes to arranging it with the band, is that something that you also do on your own? SD: The first EP and album were just me. Generally, I’ll home record a demo. It used to be that it might’ve just been me and guitar, or it might’ve been me and guitar and drums and bass or whatever. But now, when I send a demo, it’s

SADIE DUPUIS

pretty fully fleshed out. I’ll send that to my bandmates and they’ll sit with it, and then when we meet up we’ll see what isn’t working, what needs to change, what other ideas they might bring to the table. The song is always written, and I always have a proposed arrangement, but it doesn’t always [end] there, because my bandmates often have better ideas. WW: How has that affected how different the albums sound? SD: I’d say the songwriting process for Twerp Verse and Foil Deer were pretty similar. We recorded Major Arcana very close to live — so there are overdubs, but there aren’t too many, and we did 14 songs in like four days. We weren’t rushing, but that was the studio time we could afford. I don’t think it sounds like a totally live album because Justin Pizzoferrato, who recorded it, is such a good engineer, but we weren’t really thinking about making a headphones record, which is the kind of music that I like. On Foil Deer, that was more of a focus, and then on this record, because I had the time to get better at production working on the Sad13 record, we wound up using a lot of the components from my demos on this record. In the past, we might’ve recreated some of that stuff in the studio, or omitted some of it because there wasn’t time. This time, we kind of just

Speedy Ortiz recorded a number of more personal tracks for a third record, but scrapped that material and wrote more directly political songs after the 2016 election. | ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY REIMER

Kick off your summer with U of G’s

dragged it right over from the sessions I’d started at home. So there are more details in there than you could get with four people in a room for however long we tracked for. There are additional synth and drum programmings I spent a long time on at home. WW: Is that where the synth sounds on “Lucky 88” come from? I imagine you were inspired to include those by the experience of the Sad13 record. SD: Yeah, I did those all at home. I think it’s not fair to only allow the Sad13 project to do pop

stuff, because Mike and Darl and I have been in the band together for — how many years at this point? Six or seven years. And we listen to a ton of pop music together. We love synth-based music. I did a more synth record — I don’t think that should mean that it’s off limits for my other bandmates and friends. I think the big difference is that Sad13 was just me, producing and playing everything, whereas [with] “Lucky 88,” I sent the really early demo to Mike and he emailed me, I want to say, like five different files of drums. And I

was like, “Oh, which one of these are you thinking?” And he was like, “All of them.” So we layered the five different drum parts, and Darl wrote this really involved bass part that I’m obsessed with. I can see why it sounds like Sad13, because it’s more synth-oriented. It’s really coming from all of us. We all like Charli XCX in this house. (Laughter.) Read the full interview at www. theontarion.com. Twerp Verse is available April 27 via Carpark Records.

Sunday, June 24, 2018 11am to 4pm Live Music, Food Trucks, Beer Garden, Fun Stuff to Do! Free admission Featuring:

and much more!

uofgsummerfest.ca #UofGSummerFest

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| N E WS

Standing up and speaking out for what she believes in and knows needs to change. | PHOTO COURTESY OF EMILY DE SOUSA

U of G student gives TED Talk about plastic pollution in our oceans Emily De Sousa on the environment and social media activism | is a third year environmental governance student at the University of Guelph, the campaign coordinator for TapIn!, and part of the planning team for Sustainability Week. Recently, De Sousa gave a TED Talk in Kanata, Ont. about a problem she is passionate about: plastic pollution in the oceans. The Ontarion had a chance to connect with De Sousa and learn more about the causes that she is involved with and her TED Talk experience. Mirali Almaula: What is TapIn!? What sort of things do you do as the TapIn! campaign coordinator? Emily De Sousa: TapIn! is a campaign that’s aimed at ending the sale of bottled water across campus. The campaign is advocating that access to safe and clean drinking water is a fundamental human right, and that water should never be privatized and sold for profit. The campaign also seeks to combat the world’s looming plastic pollution problem. MA: You recently had the opportunity to do a TED Talk in Kanata, how did that come about? What did you learn from that process? EDS: Doing this TED Talk was the best thing I’ve ever done! I submitted an online proposal on a whim back in September.

EMILY DE SOUSA

M I R A L I A L M AU L A

I didn’t really think anything of it, and honestly wasn’t expecting to hear anything back, because I never in a million years thought I could give a TED Talk. I ended up being one of 30 applicants selected to come to an in-person rehearsal in November, and just before Christmas I found out that I was one of the eight finalists chosen to speak at the event on March 1. It was terrifying and so rewarding; it taught me that I am capable of so much more than I thought and that the path to success isn’t linear. Everyone gets where they are in different ways, and as long as you work hard, you can have anything that you want. MA: Could you share what your TED Talk was about and why this topic matters to you? EDS: My TED Talk addressed the issue of plastic pollution in the oceans. I have been travelling the world for almost three years now, documenting climate change in different parts of the world through photos and videos in order to raise more awareness about environmental issues. When I became a scuba diver and took my work below the surface, I was shocked at what I found. I’ve dove in places as far away as Hawaii, Florida, Portugal, and the Maldives, and while each of these places faces their own individual

Millions of people are scrolling past a video on Facebook showing a sea turtle in distress... issues related to climate change, one thing stood out that was the same across all of them — they were polluted with outrageous amounts of plastic. I’ve swam with sharks that have fishing nets caught up in their fins, sea turtles that have become entangled in plastic rings, and dolphins playing with plastic bags. To me, the issue of plastic stood out more than ocean acidification, coral bleaching, and overfishing, because it’s so simple. And it’s something that everyone can relate to regardless of where you live in the world. I think plastic pollution is the most unnecessary problem facing our oceans, but is the easiest one to fix. MA: When you first emailed us, you said that you put your TED Talk on YouTube and are “hoping for eight million views to represent the eight million tonnes of plastic that enter our oceans annually.” Why do you feel that this sort of social media activism is so effective in the world today?

EDS: Through my work documenting climate change online, I’ve recognized the true power of digital media and how it often possesses a louder voice than the most credible scientific sources. At the end of the day, only a small percentage of the population is reading a 10-page peer-reviewed journal article about plastic pollution in the oceans, but millions of people are scrolling past a video on Facebook showing a sea turtle in distress after a run-in with a plastic straw. I think social media activism is particularly important with issues related to the oceans as it’s all too easy to forget about what’s out of sight and out of mind, so using social media is a great way to make sure the oceans are always at the forefront of everybody’s mind. To see Emily’s TED Talk and more photos, check out the digital version of this article at theontarion.com.

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Compost bins such as the ones beside the H. L. Hutt building are currently inconveniently located out of sight from the main walking paths on campus. | PHOTO BY KAREN K. TRAN

Bringing composting bins to the forefront of campus Two U of G students work to eliminate food waste MICHAEL CIMESA

AS PART OF THEIR FINAL PROJECT

for their philosophy of the environment class, Shannon Charters and Maia Hoban designed an initiative with the goal of making compost bins on campus more visible and accessible in order to reduce food waste at the University of Guelph. The students have put up signs and maps with the hopes that the compost bins will be used more. When asked about the value of students knowing where the bins are, Charters said, “Students are interested in [composting], hospitality is interested in [composting], it’s good for students to know because if they know where the bins are then they’re actually going to use them.” Additionally, many students are unaware that there are even composting bins

on campus at all, as almost all of them are either out of sight or in secluded areas. Hoban also explained that “if there are more [compost bins] in plain sight then people will know that composting services are available and will hopefully use them more. There will be less food waste on campus and the more composting there is, the more soil that goes back to the organic farm.” There are 50 new compost bin locations being proposed for the fall 2018 semester. The sustainability office is hoping that these new compost bins will be installed in more prolific areas, such as Branion Plaza, which gets a lot more traffic in comparison to the hidden locations.

A map of the current locations of composting bins on campus. More locations are planned to be added over the summer. | MAP OBTAINED VIA GOOGLE MAPS

Future improvements that could still be made to reduce waste on campus would be “to build more infrastructure for hospitality services [locations], which is being worked on by the sustainability office right now,” said Hoban. Currently, the UC Food Court uses paper plates and plastic cutlery, which is a huge contributor to waste on campus. The start of

the fall 2018 semester should see new compost bins installed as well as lower amounts of food waste produced by U of G. Email compost@pr.uoguelph.ca to make suggestions on where to add new compost bins.

Many students are unaware that there are even composting bins on campus

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D EA R G U E L PH

THE B RASS TAP S

SEX TOYS

A thank-you to the university from Leslie Thompson, class of 2018.

Campus pubâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s policy requires those under 19 to leave after 9 p.m. But why?

The benefits and side effects of a vibrator.