flyin’ the coop

story by | elizabeth nawrot, ph.d.

Icouldn’tbelieve what I was hearing. My 14-year-old son had just informed me that in a few weeks the State of North Dakota would give him the right to operate a motor vehicle. “What? You’re getting a drivers license? But you’re only 14!” His typically teenage reply was a nod over the shoulder followed by “Well, in four more years, I’m outta here.” “And where are you going?” My husband inquired. “To college, of course!” was the reply, and my son’s voice trailed off down the basement steps towards videogame land. Now at that moment I could feel something begin to swell up inside of me, but I wasn’t sure if it was the pride of hearing my son accepting the fact of going off to college, or the nausea of the sudden realization that it would be happening in just four years!

I may have some time to get used to the idea of my children leaving home, but for many families the “empty nest” is fast approaching. In the United States last year, there was a record 18.4 million students enrolled in college. Just over 3 million of those were freshmen heading off to college for the first time. Here in the Valley is no exception to the trend, with students entering higher education in greater numbers, with just over 55,000 in Minnesota and nearly 9,000 in North Dakota.

So one thing seems certain: there are sure to be a lot of road trips this Fall. But will they end in tears of sorrow or relief? Will you be happy to finally have the kids out of the house? Is that spare bedroom turning into a sacred shrine or becoming your personal pilates retreat? What is the reality of the empty nest?

the kids are gone, now what

Psychologists who study lifespan development have dubbed the “empty nest” that stage of life when the last child leaves home to become an emerging adult. If this time is accompanied with feelings of depression or emotional anxiety, it is referred to as “empty nest syndrome”. While many people take it for granted that depression must be the norm when kids leave home, especially for moms, most research finds that this is not the case. In one study, only 25% of parents reported being “very unhappy” when their last child left home. Moreover, the empty nest may be beneficial, especially for moms. It turns out that marital satisfaction increases for many women when the children have left home. You can probably guess the explanation: satisfaction generally declines during the early years of child rearing [remember all those sleepless nights with 2am feedings, the terrible-two’s, teenagers…] but it bounces back with the empty nest as couples find more quality time to spend together. the “lonely” nest

Whether or not your marital satisfaction will increase during the empty nest depends on many things. For example, this stage of life can be complicated by the occurrence of menopause symptoms or caring for an aging parent. Moreover, the duration of your marriage before you enter into the empty nest phase is important, with couples who reach this stage earlier in their marriage at greater risk for marital disruption. According to psychologist John Gottman, there are seven positive elements that can predict happiness for older couples, including joy, playfulness, humor, adventurousness, caring, empathy, and common interests.

This is not to say that the empty nest doesn’t get lonely sometimes. Genevieve, a 53-year-old Fargo mom whose only daughter is about to start her second year of medical school, sums up her feelings about the empty nest this way: “I still miss her. When she left I felt like I hadn’t finished spending time with her.” Although Genevieve works full time, she says that it keeps her busy but not necessarily fulfilled. She and her husband find time to travel to see their daughter as often as possible, and they even keep tabs on her via Facebook.

One important thing that parents can do to ease the transition to an empty nest is to help foster and support their newly emerging adult’s growing need for independence. Of course, this is easier said than done as a parent’s number one responsibility up until this point was to allow the child’s dependence. But the emerging adult has a growing need for independence and sense of identity that is at odds with this dependence. There is a need for him or her to abandon the family while at the same time not being abandoned by the family. Parents can continue to provide support in varying degrees, from the financial support of college tuition or loans, to the day to day support of helping with the laundry.

All parents know how difficult it is to sit by and watch as their emerging adult attempts new challenges on their own. As Erma Bombeck observed, “When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.” what a relief!

As a mom, you had an important role in your child’s independence and success and it should make you feel good. It turns out that research confirms this idea that parents feel better about themselves when their children achieve higher levels of success. So have high expectations for your children and when they live up to them you will feel the rewards, too. Mercedes, 46, is a single mother from Dilworth whose reaction when the last of her six children left home can only be described as relief. She pauses to think a moment and then says, “I didn’t have a chance to enjoy them when they were young. I have a wonderful relationship with my kids now. We have fun, we laugh!” failure to launch surviving and thriving

Just when you thought it was safe to redecorate the spare bedroom…there is a growing trend these days of adult children delaying leaving home or returning home to live with their parents. “Boomerang kids” or “BTBs” [back-to-bedroom] as they are sometimes called, return home for a variety of reasons, including unsuccessful careers, failed marriages, of just to save money. About half of middle-aged parents with adult children reported that they had one child who currently lives at home. The re-filling of the empty nest is an unexpected life event, for both child and parent, so it can be a trying time. Although parents feel good for providing support, the loss of privacy and disruptions to both families are sure to create conflict.

Some tips for helping deal with boomerang kids include: Set expectations ahead of time for things like paying rent and doing housework. Will you allow drinking alcohol in the home? What about having friends over? If you negotiate these things ahead of time it will help avoid conflict. And set a deadline from the start for how long the adult child will live at home.

Not everyone in the family will react the same way when a child leaves home, and it can be difficult to cope if one person’s depression is interfering with another’s vacation plans. There are a number of excellent books that offer advice, coping strategies, and practical tips for families in all stages of the empty nest:

• For parents who want to better understand their child’s transformation to emerging adult and the importance of fostering independence, I recommend Letting go: A parents’ guide to understanding the college years [2009] by Karen Levin Coburn & Madge Lawrence Treeger. The authors describe both physical and emotional independence, and the importance of identity formation. The book also covers some difficult issues such as dating and date rape, crime, eating disorders and drug use.

• A book that addresses the needs of all members of the family is When your kid goes to college: A parent’s survival guide. [1999] by Carol Barkin. There is a section on helping your spouse, younger children, even pets deal with the empty nest with strategies for getting through it and keeping in touch. Again, this book includes material to help the emerging adult, with practical advice on everything from money and shopping to doing the laundry.

• If you need a little pick-me-up, just read a story or two from Chicken soup for the soul: Empty nesters: 101 stories about surviving and thriving when the kids leave home [2008] by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Carl McAdoo Rehme & Patricia Cena Evans. With so many stories of children going off to college, new homes, and careers, you are sure to find one to inspire, soothe, make you laugh, or maybe even cry a little.

• This last book is for anyone whose children have come back to roost! Boomerang nation: How to survive living with your parents… The second time around [2005] by Elina Furman not only has lots of practical advice on things like financial planning and domestic issues, but the book includes interviews with boomerangers with tips on how they managed to keep it all together.

There is no question life is a journey. Not only are your children embarking on a whole new world filled with lessons to learn, but so are you. Consider this time of your life a step forward, a step in a new direction. Get back in the adventure of life because life doesn’t end with an empty nest. It’s just another beginning! references

1. Institute for Education Sciences National Center for Education Statistics website: http://nces.ed.gov/

2. Lifespan Development (12th edition). John Santrock. McGraw-Hill Publishing.

3. Adult Development and Aging (6th Edition). John Cavanaugh. Wadsworth Publishing.

4. Development in Adulthood (4th edition). Barbara Hansen Lemme. Allyn & Bacon Publishing.

5. http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/aging/emptynest-marriage.htm/printable

6. Sara Gorchoff, Oliver John, & Ravenna Helson (2008). Contextualizing Change in Marital Satisfaction During Middle Age: An 18-Year Longitudinal Study. Psychological Science, Vol 19 (11).

7. Abigail Trafford (2009) “The Kids are Gone. Now What is Marriage all About? The Washington Post.

8. Bridget Hiedemann, Olga Suhomlinova, & Angela M. O’Rand (1998). Economic Independence, Economic Status, and Empty Nest in Midlife Marital Disruption. Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol 60 (1).