3 minute read
My kids have boundaries too, and I should honor them
BY MELISSA DAVIDSON
Parenting is hard.
Just as you think you’re getting a moment to come up for air, “hard” slaps you in the face with something new. It’s a great shapeshifter, too, morphing right alongside those little humans and eventually replacing sleepless nights with complicated emotions and social issues. The latter is where I’m at — new territory and a double dose with 10-year-old twin girls.
A few weeks ago, one of my daughters came to me nervous and teary-eyed. When I asked her what was wrong, she reluctantly told me she didn’t want to play in her upcoming basketball game because she was too nervous and scared she was going to screw up. I wasn’t surprised.
During her first game, I could see the fear of failure take over and paralyze her as she fought back tears. She would rather have been anywhere but there. It broke my heart. I felt helpless and wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and take her home.
But what good would that do?
A few weeks prior, as we were talking about enrolling her in the sport, I told her I expected her to try her best, see it through and finish the season. Because up until then, she had a pretty decent rap sheet of ditching out on activities. I thought it was best to let her work through it. So my first reaction was to tell her “no, you need to power through and you’ll come out stronger and more comfortable in these situations in the end.”
But really, I had no idea if pushing her into playing would have benefitted her. She’s a different human than, well anyone, with different perspectives and life experiences. What if pushing her would send the wrong message? One that said her feelings and fears were not real when I could clearly see, to her, they were very real.
So, I shifted. Like I’d done for myself when things got to be too much, when my energy was being drained, my emotions needed a reset, or my senses were overstimulated. I’ve focused a lot on being honest with myself and setting healthy boundaries.
What about hers? What would she get from this experience if I listened, comforted and supported her? What if I honored her mental and emotional boundaries that were being pushed and gave her the room she needed to just sit with her thoughts and emotions, then process them, allowing her boundaries to expand when they’re ready.
So, that’s what I did. I told her she had to continue to go to practice and she could tell her coach when she was ready to play in the games. My daughter ended up playing in the game and was excited to tell me she even got the ball. She was very proud of herself, as she should be. Because this was about more than basketball. She not only had the space to process what was going on inside, which to her was a lot, but she also had ownership.
How important is that in life?
Being able to not only have insight into how you’re doing but taking it a step further and honoring what you need at that moment. Not just powering through because “that’s just what you do.” I’m not sure if the experience impacted her quite the way it did me, but I will say it gave me a new perspective on handling this new hard stage.
Will I continue to push my kids out of their comfort zones so they can grow? Absolutely. But I’m going to let them be the captain of their ship while I shift over to being the first mate.
