setting limits with yes

“NO! Get down from there… NO! You can’t have Cheetos for dinner… NO! You can’t stay out till 2 a.m. NO! Leave the cat’s tail alone!... NO, NO, NO…” Sound familiar? The average two year old hears the word NO every 7-8 waking minutes! No wonder it’s often the first word out of their cute little mouths and they throw it right back at us in equal or greater numbers. As parents, we get tired of saying it and our kids get tired of hearing it. When NO is constantly being heard, kids eventually learn to ignore it or tune it out. Additionally, this over use can result in associating ‘maybe’ or even ‘yes’ as the actual meaning of NO.

Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay, founders of “Parenting with Love and Logic”, advocate that parents should use the word NO as seldom as possible and use it only when they really mean it. Cline and Fay believe battles can be avoided by replacing NO with YES. Confusing? Are you having visions of a world gone crazy with un-bathed kids eating ice cream for breakfast? How can we possibly set healthy limits using the word YES more than NO? Thinking words, choices, and empathy are concepts offered by Cline and Fay as alternatives to saying NO all too often.

Thinking Words Or Fighting Words

Many parents set limits by issuing commands. This may produce the desired results, but these kids aren’t benefiting from learning to think for themselves. Our kids learn more when the lessons are the result of their own choices. Commands are fighting words and fighting words are a “call to arms” between parent and child. Subtle changes can effectively set limits without turning the situation into a battle. Notice the difference in the following statements:

Fighting Words – ‘No, you can’t go out to play until your homework is done.’

Thinking Words – ‘Yes, you can go out to play as soon as you’ve finished your homework.’

When parents give direction and set limits using thinking words they are prompting their child to think while still making it clear what will be allowed, “Feel free to turn on the TV as soon as you’ve practiced piano,” what they will do, “I’ll be happy to take you to the park as soon as you’ve picked up your toys,” and what they will provide, “You can eat your lasagna or you can wait to eat again at breakfast.” When situations are approached in this manner, kids learn to think for themselves. They are allowed to make a choice and learn from the consequences. Setting limits in this manner encourages more thinking and less arguing. Now, this isn’t the cure to end all complaining, whining and foot stomping, but it can bring more peace to your home.

Choices Or Demands

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Paper or plastic? Cash or credit? Eat in or take out? White or wheat? Morning or afternoon? Although as adults we can get overwhelmed with the many choices we make on a daily basis, it does give us a feeling of control. It is much more empowering to be a decision maker rather than being constantly directed by what you CAN’T do. Guess what? Kids feel the same way. Offering choices puts the responsibility of decision making on the child and teaches them to think for themselves while, without even recognizing it, setting limits. Both parent and child have control!

Here’s how it works; you give two choices, both of which you are comfortable with and, this is most important, you present the choices calmly and without any sarcasm whatsoever. For example, “Would you rather practice piano before or after you have your snack? ”

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Cline and Fay acknowledge that an occasional NO is inevitable, but we can resist saying NO too often or over every little thing. These early interactions set the tone for your future relationship with that toddler soon turned adolescent, so beware!

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Empathy Or Anger

When parents angrily issue a consequence, say “I told you so,” or lecture on and on about the mistake their child made, the child tends to be more focused on the parent’s anger than on their poor choice and resulting consequence. Alternatively, when consequences are given with the “sugar” of empathy, anger is lessened and the problem is turned back over to the child. Consider this common scenario:

You and the family are sitting down to dinner. Lasagna, one of little Maxwell’s favorites, is on the menu. You dish up Maxwell’s plate expecting him to glow with appreciation for his mother’s efforts. Instead he states, “Yuck... I hate lasagna... that stuff is gross.” The battle lines have been drawn! But you calmly respond, “No problem” and take Maxwell’s plate away while Dad reassuringly states, “Bummer... you’re probably going to be pretty hungry by morning. I’ll be sure to have a good breakfast for you. You can be excused.” source: “Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility” by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay. Pinon Press, 2006.

Cline and Fay state that a parent’s empathetic response to a child’s mistake and its consequences actually results in the lesson of the experience resonating at a much deeper level for the child. The empathy demonstrates unconditional love and builds the relationship between parent and child while the consequences do the teaching.

The founders of “Parenting with Love and Logic” make no claim that their perspective on parenting is any better than all the others or that all of their techniques will miraculously work. All techniques will work some of the time and none will work all of the time. Cline and Fay’s goal is simply to assist parents in teaching kids to be responsible, to think, to problem solve, and to experience the results of their choices. Give children the opportunity to experience failures and learn lessons through consequences. I heard that gasp... yes, it’s good parenting to allow your kids to experience failures. It prepares them for adulthood when failure can hold much more life-altering consequences. So, consider these alternatives to NO and conduct your own experiment. And remember, the purpose of setting limits and disciplining is to teach.

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