4-1-24 Emerald Media Group - Week of Welcome (April Fools Edition)

X303 srondestvedt@dailyemerald.com

CREATIVE & TECHNICAL DIRECTOR Anna Smith X327 creative@dailyemerald.com

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES

Lola Tagwerker Cori Caplinger

Cooper Gast Taylor Baumgardner

ON THE COVER

The Daily Emerald staff’s true forms have never been captured by a camera before, so here our best approximations of our natural visage.

It is I, Liz Blodgett, design editor and temporary editor-in-chief. Today’s issue, the first edition of Week of Welcome spring term 2024, happens to fall on April Fools’ Day. Happy April Fools’ to you all!

This issue is the first of our Week of Welcome for the spring term of 2024. This issue is full of satire, fake articles and (we hope) humor to you. I, as the temporary editor-in-chief (for this issue only, sorry Evan) hope that this brings a little joy to the new term and I wish you all the best for this time.

Remember, the following articles are not real. Everything we say is fake. Please don’t think that it’s real. Anyways, happy first week of school, and good luck with this term!

Liz Blodgett Design Editor Temporary Editor in Chief

IN OTHER NEWS

Student complaints about a foul-smelling odor in the EMU escalated on Mar. 26, when a custodian traced the scent to the Daily Emerald’s thirdfloor office. The Emerald declines to comment, but recommends students grow up and invest in some nose plugs.

UO announced it would be cutting all points for student meal plans in half for no apparent reason on Friday. “This isn’t about cutting costs,” a spokesperson said. “We just don’t care.”

We want to hear from you:

Email editor@ dailyemerald.com to submit a tip or a letter to the editor. The ideal length for a letter is 200-500 words, but we publish letters of various lengths online.

(Connor Cox/Emerald)

(Jackson Knox/Emerald)

IN-N-OUT BURGER TO REPLACE AUTZEN STADIUM

The UO football team now faces the question of where to find a new place to practice for the upcoming 2024 season

BY TRISTIN HOFFMAN • DESIGNED BY GABRIELA MARTINEZ

Oregon’s third In-N-Out Burger will now be located in the heart of Eugene — as it has been signed off on March 31 by UO philanthropists to replace Autzen Stadium beginning as “early as this summer,” In-N-Out spokesperson Smith Berger said.

According to Berger, the plan to replace Autzen Stadium with an In-N-Out has been in the works for several years. Construction to tear down the stadium will begin later in April.

The citizens of Eugene and Lane County have found themselves in a burger desert within recent years.

According to howmanyburgersdoyouhaveinyourtown. com, Lane County only has 5 burger restaurants.

“The options for a good cheeseburger in this town have been slim for far too long. I think this was the right decision,” Sophia Riggs, a Eugene resident, said.

Riggs said she is sad for the UO football team and UO students that they will no longer have a place to watch football, but ultimately, it will be for the better for “Oregonian-kind.”

Norman Kroll, a UO alum and current Lane County resident, said he doesn’t understand why a burger franchise has now replaced Oregon’s most famous stadium, but is “totally okay” with it.

“I’m just excited to see the crazy line every time I drive past it. And for a nice milkshake during those hot summer days,” he said.

Some students have “outrage” toward the decision.

Tony Mellon, a junior at UO studying computer science, said he “can’t believe that UO would ‘okay’ a decision as monumental as this. All I’m feeling today is pure outrage.”

Angel Saddle, a spokesperson for UO, said that the decision was primarily made by Fill Night, a renowned philanthropist for the university. Night, according to Saddle, wanted UO students to have better nutrition options for the years to come.

Myra Peters, a self-proclaimed UO football “ultrafan,” said she is “heartbroken” to hear the news and now does not know what she will do in the fall to replace her time spent at Autzen.

“I’m lost. I feel like my whole sense of being is gone, just for some burgers and fries to replace it,” Peters said.

A rally will be hosted by the Football Justice League and Stop Eating Burgers Union at Autzen Stadium at 12:30 p.m. on Monday, April 1.

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HOBBS: WHAT ARE THE ATHLETES HIDING IN THEIR BACKPACKS?

Opinion: Every UO athlete is attached to their backpack, and I’m determined to find out why

BY MONICA HOBBS • DESIGNED BY RYAN EHRHART

Picture this: you’re walking around the University of Oregon. You look to your right and see an identifiable athlete. What’s trailing behind them? That damn green and yellow backpack.

THE ATHLETE BACKPACKS — what my tuition is paying for at the end of the day. But what’s their deal? Why do they carry them everywhere they go? What are UO athletes hiding?

I have a few theories, all based on 100% factual evidence. You choose which reality you want to believe.

THE BACKPACKS GIVE THE ATHLETES SUPERPOWERS.

UO can’t disclose this information due to regulations, but the backpacks are magic. When an athlete throws it on, sorcery starts rushing through their veins. They turn into superheroes with powers: x-ray vision, shapeshifting or superspeed, you name it.

One morning, I woke up early and drove to campus to study. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I glimpsed a baseball player flying through the sky. He was holding a hot vanilla latte with his backpack strapped on tight (I wonder why…).

THEY’RE ATTACHED TO THEM. LITERALLY.

This may be hard to believe, but the backpacks are a part of them. The obnoxious sack is just like the rest of their body parts. All UO athletes come out of the womb attached to it.

I watched an interview with

Justin Herbert talking about his backpack. After committing to the Los Angeles Chargers, Herbert agreed to surgically remove his backpack. They had a long 22 years together, but the green and yellow had to go.

THE BACKPACKS ARE HIDING A MULTIVERSE PORTAL.

Inside the bookbags, there aren’t notebooks and pencils. A multiverse portal is trapped behind the zipper. This is why you never see athletes crack open their backpacks during lectures.

However, this portal isn’t some fantasy land. When opened carelessly, the portal will take you to a dark, dangerous place: Oregon State University. Athletes must handle these portals with caution or else they’ll pan out as a beaver.

ALIENS.

The athletes are trying to protect the rest of the student population. Aliens from another universe are planning an attack on UO. The only thing keeping them away is the backpacks.

Athletes are on a secret mission to carry their backpacks at all times. This sends out a signal to the aliens to leave UO students alone. Because of their heroic dedication, the city of Eugene is safe.

Maybe it’s because the bright backpack hurts my eyes. Or maybe I’m just jealous because I want one. Either way, there’s something about these backpacks that keeps me up at night.

DUCK DETHRONED: QUACKTAVIOUS OVERTHROWS PUDDLES AS MASCOT

MOVING INTO SPRING TERM, UO WILL UNDERGO A SUDDEN AND UNEXPECTED CHANGE OF LEADERSHIP AS QUACKTAVIOUS REPLACES PUDDLES AS MASCOT

On Friday, the Redwood Auditorium buzzed with excited chatter as the audience awaited the verdict from the board. Puddles sat slouched in his chair, discreetly side-eyeing Quacktavious as he paced nervous circles on the auditorium floor, warbling under his breath.

President John Karl Scholz stood and cleared his throat, scanning the room impatiently as conversation lulled to silence. “The board has decided to remove Puddles as the University of Oregon’s official mascot. Quacktavious will be filling the newly available position,” Scholz said, pausing as the room collectively gasped. “The decision was unanimous.”

Quacktavious will be instated as mascot immediately upon the commencement of spring term. His inauguration speech will take place on Wednesday, April 3 at 3 p.m. at the EMU amphitheater.

The decision to replace Puddles with Quacktavious considered many factors, but the board decreed that this transition of power is mostly an effort to restore historic tradition. In the 1920s, when the Ducks were known as the Webfoots and an official mascot had not yet been elected, a live white duck named Puddles began to appear at sporting events. Puddles was soon crowned mascot, beginning a long tradition of live duck mascots. In the 1940s, the duck was replaced by a student in a costume, and ducks all around the world have expressed outrage over this blatant display of cultural appropriation.

“Quack quacking quack quack quack,” a duck in Minnesota said.

In response to his victory on Friday, Quacktavious appeared to be excited but not entirely surprised. “Quacking quack, quackly quack quacked…quack,” the duck said. Puddles, being a duck of few words, refused to comment.

Since the unexpected change in leadership, several members of the UO community have come out with statements regarding Puddles’ dismissal. Quarterback Bo Nix spoke for the football team when he made his official complaint about Puddles’ performance.

“A mascot is supposed to support their team, not outdo them,” Nix said. “I think we all got tired of watching the crowd go wild over Puddles’ gun show after every touchdown. We’re the athletes

BY JESS McCOMB • DESIGNED BY ADALEAH CARMAN

here, not him.”

Nix said he feels optimistic about Quacktavious filling Puddles’ shoes. “He’s a little dude, people love him, but he won’t outshine us like Puddles did,” he said.

When asked to respond to Nix’s comment, Quacktavious was outraged by the suggestion that his presence will be less significant than that of his predecessor. “QUACK?!?!” Quacktavious said. “Quackquack quackedy quackly quack.”

Quacktavious said that, while his intentions are not to outshine the team, he intends to make a greater impact on the UO community than Puddles. The former mascot seldom spoke, and the things left unsaid have led to questions about his authority.

“I asked Puddles to direct me to Lawrence Hall once and he just pointed,” a freshman at UO said. “I expect our mascot to at least be able to give coherent directions.”

Quacktavious, however, seems to already be well-versed in campus navigation. He’s regularly seen waddling down 13th Avenue greeting students, and the response to his presence at UO has been incredible.

Stephanie Yang/Emerald

“I feel safe when Quacktavious is on campus,” a sophomore at UO said. “His waddle is extremely commanding. Puddles just doesn’t have that same swagger.”

When he was pitching his campaign, Quacktavious mentioned Puddles’ navigational issues, but his main concern about his opponent was over matters of hygiene. “Quackedly quack, quacking quack quacks quack,” Quacktavious said.

In fact, the board conceded that they were most impressed with the state of Quacktavious’ feathers. “I read an article in the Daily Emerald that Quacktavious takes candlelit baths several times a week,” one board member said. “It definitely shows. He is the spitting image of professionalism.”

Moving forward, Quacktavious will be working with the UO athletic board to form an official mission statement and a plan for implementation. For those with questions regarding the termination of Puddles’ long-standing role as mascot, Scholz will be holding a press conference after Quacktavious’ inaugural address. All students are encouraged to attend.

TAKING SPACE TO REFLECT

The Daily Emerald staff looks back on its’ 125 years of service and announces some upcoming changes to the publication’s homebase

BY EMMA J NELSON & EVAN REYNOLDS • DESIGNED BY RYAN EHRHART

The year is plodding on by as it always does on Earth — er, Eugene, that is — and the Daily Emerald’s responsibility to all four of its readers (you heard that right –– a new record!) has never been clearer.

As independent student journalists, our first and foremost responsibility is to our audience. Throughout the year, we’ve been proud to say we’ve been first on the scene covering countless stories. From campus issues and events to local eats, from Ducks sports coverage to opinions on everything yellow and green in Eugene, the Emerald has doubled down on its mission to provide high-quality local news for the UO and Eugene communities.

However, today is also April Fools’ Day — which, our lawyers tell us, means we can publish whatever we want on any subject without fear of legal or social retribution. Libel who? On an unrelated note, our legal team consists of three 19-year-old business majors and our office hamster. We have the utmost faith in them.

We understand this issue may come as a shock to our circle of readers, given our propensity for honest reporting. In fact, we’re proud to say the Emerald has never once made a spelling error, nor have we ever been forced to issue a correction or retraction. [Editor’s Note: Thos syayement is untrue.]

In fact, we think students’ engagement with the Emerald is commendable. Just take a look at some of the charming comments we’ve received on our Instagram lately:

If that doesn’t say a lot about our reputation, I don’t know what does. So we’re putting a lot on the line with this issue. Yet we feel April Fools’ is a classic Earthling tradition that merits recognition. After all, where would we be without taking part in your traditions?

So it is with a heavy heart that we tell you that we’ve been lying to you, Eugene. Well, not directly. It was more a lie of omission, really. If you’d asked us we would have told you the truth; we’d never share false information with our readers. Unfortunately, no one asked, and we never told. Until now.

Eugene, the Daily Emerald is not from here. We flew to the University of Oregon from Saturn 125 years ago in search of the famed “college experience.”

In short, college is amazing! The dorm food keeps improving, the tuition keeps rising and the house shows keep getting louder. We’ve been to every party and we’ve covered every drawn-out board meeting. We witnessed so many of you grow up and try new things in your precious little human way. We’ve even experienced the highs and lows of college football! We only wish we could’ve seen Hamilton Hall finally be destroyed — we’ll keep an eye on that from afar.

We know what you’re thinking: Are we, the current Emerald staff, the same extraterrestrials that came from Saturn 125 years ago, or are the original extraterrestrials roaming Earth now?

For the most part, we’re the same group of 100-or-so newspaper-loving aliens. Some of us did

split off pretty early on, though we see them on TV sometimes! You know all those people who claim certain celebrities are aliens? Most of them are wrong, but if the celeb has any affiliation with UO? You never know!

But what happens when we “graduate”? Every four years or so we host-jump, bringing in a fresh group of faces while continuing to write about the campus we’ve been calling home. Don’t worry! Our abandoned hosts, or “alumni,” have gone on to do wonderful things none the wiser to our guidance. Some even won Pulitzers!

Why are we telling this to you now? To be quite

honest, we’re feeling a wee bit homesick.

You know how it is moving away from home to attend UO — everything’s super exciting and new for awhile, but then you miss your dog. Imagine that feeling but multiplied by 125.

It’s been over a century since we’ve arrived in this town of yours, and as lovely as it is, nothing beats Saturn. Things are also changing a lot here. From Puddles being replaced by Quacktavious and Dan Lanning moving to Western Michigan, it doesn’t feel quite like the Eugene we fell in love with.

Besides, maybe it’s time we give the humans who came to UO for a journalism education a chance to run the paper. We’ll be leaving this publication in their capable hands to continue serving the UO campus and the broader Eugene community.

After 125 years of college education, we’re ready to graduate. When the Hayward Field Tower flies off in the coming days, you’ll know that we’ve left. Don’t worry, though, because other Emerald Media Group publications aren’t quite ready to part from Eugene, so you won’t be without zany college media anytime soon.

We’ll miss you, Eugene, and happy April Fools’ Day!

FOUR PLAYFUL RECIPES TO CELEBRATE APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!

In the pranking spirit that comes with April Fools’, indulge in some lighthearted fun with recipe pranks. These are a few easy and budget-friendly recipes to follow that are guaranteed to give you and your friends a good laugh (or perhaps just you).

MINTY FRESH OREOS

One trick that was successful for me in pranking my dad was switching out the yummy Oreo cream filling with toothpaste. Grab a pack of Oreos, big or small, and some whitening toothpaste. It is key that the toothpaste is white to mimic the filling. Squeeze a dab of toothpaste to cover the surface of one cookie, then place the other on top. Follow these steps for the number of desired cookies, then chill them in the freezer for 30 minutes to solidify. Finally, present them on a platter with a few real Oreos and a glass of milk for the unsuspecting victim, then wait for their reaction. It will leave their mouths feeling minty fresh.

HEALTHY CAKE POPS

BY LIZZY SOLORZANO • DESIGNED BY GABRIELA MARTINEZ

CARAMEL “APPLES”

This recipe demands a bit more time and patience, but the payoff in reaction may be worth the work. It follows the basic steps to any traditional caramel apple recipe, only this time there will be a surprise: a sweet onion. Wooden lollipop sticks are needed to hold the “tasty” treat for dipping and eating. Two bags of Werther’s Original caramel candies should suffice for up to five “apples,” but any caramel candies suitable for melting should work.

Pour these candies into a microwavable bowl with about three tablespoons of heavy whipping cream, and stir while heating them in 30-second increments in the microwave. This should take about 2-3 minutes to complete.

Grab a few onions and apples and make sure to give them a thorough rinse. Remove the first few layers of the onions for a better grip on the caramel. With the melted caramel, carefully dip the “apple” and turn it to coat the entire surface. Before the caramel sets, consider adding a few toppings like sprinkles, nuts or chocolate chips to help sell the prank.

Similar to the previous treat, this recipe also involves melting ingredients. Because they share a similar size, brussels sprouts are ideal to mimic cake pops. These vegetables, along with microwavable chocolate melts, can be found in the Safeway close to campus. Cake pop sticks will also be needed to dip and prop the treats to dry.

Microwave the chocolate melts incrementally for about two minutes, stirring occasionally. Dip and turn the cake pop stick in the warm chocolate, covering it whole. Adding sprinkles could enhance their resemblance to cake pops. Make a batch to prank your friends all at once!

Allow the sweet treats sit in the fridge for approximately 30 minutes for the caramel to set, and the pranks will be ready to go.

ICE CREAM WITH A TWIST

This recipe requires minimal effort and a jar of mayonnaise (plus a bowl). It was inspired by a friend of mine named April, who shares a love for this holiday in her namesake month. Freeze the jar for a few hours to achieve the ice cream texture. Scoop the condiment “ice cream” into a bowl and serve it to your target, preferably with chocolate syrup drizzled on top to disguise the scent.

Let’s celebrate April Fools’ Day by sharing laughter and joy with these playful prank recipes. Whether it’s surprising friends with onion caramel apples or enjoying a scoop of condiment “ice cream,” these recipes are sure to bring unforgettable memories. So, let’s unleash our creativity and have some fun, making this an April Fools’ to remember!

Tell them it is vanilla ice cream and wait for their reaction; this is one sure way to “spread” the joy.

better.”

Delicious

Delicious

Famous

PHOTO EDITOR’S DAY OFF

We feel that these images speak for themselves, so we decided to give our photo editor Molly Mcpherson a day off to enjoy the Spring weather rather than stay home and write captions. – Emerald Staff

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an EXOTIC ADDITION to the EMU

The Fishbowl will finally serve its true purpose.

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT UNIVERSITY OF OREGON PRESIDENT JOHN KARL SCHOLZ OWNS THE WORLD’S LARGEST COLLECTION OF EXOTIC FISH AND ONE HAMMERHEAD SHARK.

After his previous tank ruptured due to the second, no longer with us, hammerhead shark, Scholz needs to rehome his fishies (and one hammerhead shark).

What better place to store those many good little guys and one not-as-good guy than the Erb Memorial Union Fishbowl?

Beginning April 1, the Fishbowl will slowly fill with water from the Starbucks and Chipotle taps. The doors will be sealed with non-industrial grade padlocks and duct tape.

BY EMMA J NELSON & LIZ BLODGETT • DESIGNED BY LIZ BLODGETT

The Associated Students of the University of Oregon will clean the tank once a term in scuba suits. ASUO officials have said they will announce the dates of cleaning ahead of time for your viewing pleasure.

Tickets will be sold at the Friday a cappella performances for $5 a piece, though cleanings will not occur on Fridays, ASUO said. The Daily Emerald has not been able to confirm why the a cappella groups will be selling said tickets.

Until the water in the Fishbowl reaches counter-height, the Starbucks and Chipotle will remain open. Paddle boards will be provided to shorter students.

Most students seem pleased by the aquatic update to the EMU, saying that it “completes” the building.

“The name never made sense before,” a UO sophomore who requested to remain anonymous (for some reason) said. “But now I get it.”

There will be an “exotic array” of fish featured, Scholz said. Goldfish, guppies, betta fish and more will fill the giant tank. Oh, and one hammerhead shark.

Students have expressed interest and excitement about this inclusion to the already majestic campus we call UO, and university officials are pleased that Scholz will have to stop bringing his fish to the office.

One student, senior Mike Hunt, was especially enthusiastic about the change.

“I f—king love fish, man.”

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