April 1, 2014

CONNECT2 BROADSIDE VOLUME 1 ISSUE 20.5 APRIL 1ST-ISH

WHO LET THE DOG IN? MASON POLICE WOOF WOOF | PAGE 13

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Letters from the office of the tire fire that was Fourth Estate WELP.

The Fourth Estate experiment turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. We really tried our best to become a competent news outlet, but in the eight months that have passed, it’s time to pack it up and go home. You can’t say this hasn’t been an eventful time, whether it’s been the truther conspiracy we fell prey to -- I still say look at the chemtrails and the melting point of steel -- or the incident where you tried to use hired goons to HAU CHU GARBAGE MAN-INCHIEF

smash my writing fingers in your coup for my job. Readers, don’t try to find Fourth Estate offices on campus anymore as we have mysteriously taken a large insurance claim on the rubble that used to be our office. Peace and love from yr boy.

Toiletstore420@ hotmail.com

Like the transition from the Articles of Confederation to the Constitution, or the creation of the EU - strong unions never last. Essentially what was intended to be an innovative approach to journalism has just turned into unmitigated disaster. For one, these “print people” have this completely unnecessary expectation for us to read their stories without any connection to the outside world. Repeatedly I have tried to highlight, Tweet and Facebook bodies of text from the newspaper and absolutely nothing has happened. So. Aggrevating. I hope the newspaper lives a long and happy life while Fourth Estate Online looks into purchasing The Washington Post in the next couple years. Cheers. GOLFWANG. FrankBank123 ohgodpleasedontemailme@aol.com

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Surprise Mason Players Production promises to be a shear pleasure GENEVIEVE HOELER PET PSYCHIC

Although the Mason Players 2013-2014 season is nearly at its end, the organization best known for performing theatrical works at George Mason has surprised the public with one final, one-night-only main stage production.

“We felt this theatrical season needed one final hoorah before the year ended,” Mason Players President Clarkson Codfish, said.

This surprise performance comes with another twist: a guest star, Meryl Streep.

David Richardson, long time theater professor and director at Mason, said, “While our students are remarkable actors, we felt this would be a great opportunity for students to work with an actress that has been actively involved in the theater and film world.”

Meryl Streep has been renowned for her charm, on camera and off, as well as her incredible acting ability.

By 2014, she earned 18 Oscar nominations—three of which were wins—and a plethora of other awards for her work including MTV Movie Award nomination for her performance in “The Devil Wears Prada.”

The piece chosen for this one-night-only performance is one beloved by many.

“John Steinbeck’s ‘Of Mice and Men’ has always struck a chord deep in my soul,” Richardson said. “We decided, however, to change the gender of the main characters so that they were both female, and ultimately change the title of the piece to be ‘Of Mice and Meryl.’”

Streep will be playing the role of Lennie, or Lenora for this particular show, which may be her most challenging role yet.

Alongside her is Mason student Samantha Taylor, junior Astronomy major.

“I was very surprised when I was told that I would be performing with Meryl Streep,” Taylor said, “However,

I was a little more surprised when Meryl Streep turned into an alpaca halfway through the first read.”

Streep has apparently been struggling with this anamorphic ability through most of her adult life.

“That was how we met,” Richardson explained. “I used to be an alpaca farmer in Wisconsin. One day, I was shearing the alpacas for the upcoming spring and one of my best dams.” Richardson laughed and said, “We’ve been friends ever since.”

“Of Mice and Meryl” incorporates a large cast, and many students have been given the opportunity to act alongside the famous actress.

“Meryl makes the whole experience fun,” Taylor

Collins, senior Film Studies major, said. “Sometimes, it is easy to forget that theater is about playing. Also, when she turns into an alpaca, sometimes she lets us ride on her back.”

As part of the fundraising for the Mason Players, the organization will be selling Ruanas, Sweaters and Ponchos made from Meryl’s alpaca hair.

Streep was not available for any further comments, as she was very busy chewing on the furniture of the Theater Lounge. But she seemed happy.

More information about the Mason Player’s upcoming production of “Of Mice and Meryl,” will be offered closer to the show’s opening.

Air Lucy: Bark Ranger VERNON MILES UNEMPLOYED

There was upheaval in the Mason Police Department this past week when, in response to the recent bomb threats, President Cabrera has reportedly selected a new interim Chief of Police with a specialty in explosive ordinance.

In an email sent out to the Mason community on Saturday, Mar. 29, Mason Police Chief Eric Heath stepped down and said a few words about his legacy.

“We’ve made great progress here this year,” Heath said. “I think the current situation will be… interesting.”

Heath’s replacement is Lucy, an English Springer Spaniel and a recent graduate of

the explosive ordinance detection school.

“Woof,” Lucy said in response to her appointment, “Woof woof woof.”

Though new to the position, Lucy has already taken steps to change how Mason’s police force operates. Doggy doors have been installed at the police headquarters and plans are in the works for additional accessibility to the police cars, a plan one Williams described as “a travesty”.

“Woof woof,” Lucy said, “Woof.”

Some of Lucy’s new policies include a mandatory “windows down” car patrols.

Lucy also hopes to bring potential advancement from Mason Cadets to Police with a new “belly-rub program”, though Lucy wasn’t able to say more on the subject at the time. For now though, focus for Mason

Police has been shifted into investigating the bomb threats.

“Our focus needs to be directed towards stopping these bomb threats. All other investigations, said a recent internal memo, “have been put on… paws.”

“It’s tough getting used to a new boss with a new way of doing things. It’s important for the old Chief to help facilitate that process. We don’t want too many people around here barking orders,” Heath said. “We’re all trying to get adjusted here. This has been a pretty ruff week for all of us.”

Lucy’s handler, Master Police Officer John Arnold, could not be reached for contact. However, a former contact from

explosive ordinance detection school said he found the decision “disappointing”.

“Woof woof, woof woof woof,” said a former classmate, an Australian Shepard who preferred to remain anonymous, “Woof.”

“I haven’t been here very long, but I already feel like the student body is my liter. Our commitment is chiefly to the students, and we’ll do whatever is necessary to keep them safe and make sure college is an enjoyable experience for everyone. That policy will never change.”

Lucy paused for a moment to take a call, then responded, “We’ll have to continue this dialogue with the Mason community another time, a student’s just fallen down a well.”

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Great hair could replace great hair DANIEL GREGORY MANAGING ASSHOLE

As the Mason community remembers Tom O’Connor fondly as he prepares to retire, it has not taken the administration long to begin the search for his replacement. The athletic department has already started contacting potential candidates.

“The search to replace Tom O’Connor is going to be a long and arduous process,” said Jay Marsh, Senior Associate AD of Facilities, Events, and Championships.

“We are going to make sure we take our time, but we’ve already talked to some candidates, and we’re very excited about the prospects.”

A source within the administration claims so far the top candidate appears to be Emilio Estevez.

“We’re constantly looking for better ways to gain our university notoriety and respect,” the source said. “What better way to help get more recruits and nation spotlight than hiring a once famous actor?”

Estevez, the 51 year-old actor famous for such great films as “Young Gunz II” and “Men at Work,” would serve as a tremendous asset to the Mason community by providing a beautiful mug to become the face of the Mason Athletic Department.

President Angel Cabrera refused to comment on the matter, but Marsh smiled coyly when asked asked about Estevez as a potential candidate.

“I wouldn’t say anyone is a top candidate right now, but there’s something you gotta love about that idea,” Marsh said. “I mean it isn’t like he doesn’t have the athletics acumen. He coached the Mighty Ducks to a Minnesota Pee-Wee Championship and Team USA to a Junior Goodwill Games victory.”

While no one rushed to tell Marsh these achievements were purely fictitious, they apparently hold major value to both Cabrera and Marsh.

“The people heading up the search committee were truly impressed by the decisions Estevez made as Gordon Bombay,” the source inside the athletic department said. “Both of them rave about his decision to pull the hot goalie Goldberg in favor of Julie the Cat Gaffney all because she had the better glove.”

Sure enough Estevez was right and Gunner Stahl went glove because he is fancy, but this happened in a work of pure fiction. That does not seem to bother the search committee.

“We understand that as an actor, he has limited experience in athletics, but his characters he has played have

more than enough experience to account for his actual inexperience,” the source said.

Our source makes good points considering in “The Breakfast Club” Estevez played an elite high school wrestler who showed strong leadership characteristics by embracing a nerdy Anthony Michael Hall. Furthermore, he proceeded to excel at the law while coaching the Ducks.

He even gained experience in academic law fighting Eden Hall forcing them to honor his team’s scholarships. All of these would be phenomenal resume builders if he did them in real life.

Tom O’Connor declined to comment about potentially being replaced by an actor. After slamming the door to his office a loud ruckus could be heard outside the door.

While Estevez top the list, other potential candidates include a reanimated Paul Newman, Oklahoma St. angry coach Mike Gundy, Bob Knight’s son Pat Knight, and in a surprise move Wolf the Dentist Stanson.

Marsh refused to put a timetable on the search especially considering O’Connor remains in his position through the end of the semester.

IN MEMORIAM* To our staff members and loved ones who have perished over these eight months. R.I.P.D.

*Note: To be read only to the tune of Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You,” Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind or Riskay’s ”Smell Yo Dick”

Oderus Urungus Phillip Seymour Hoffman

MacGruber

Colton Burpo

The television program “Smash”

Suhayeeb Khan

Emilio Estevez

Paula Deen

Brian Williams

Chief Inspector Lee

Robb Stark

Bill Maher

Piers Morgan

The Hamburglar

Grimace

The Newsroom

Guy Fieri

Balloon Boy

Fat cajun man in Detective True Detective James Carter who was biblically intimate with his sister Alexa Rodgers