The Osweonion 2018

DISCLAIMER

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional and meant to be satirical. All quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

April 1, 2018 Edition

Toys "R" Us mascot's fall from grace

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THE PERFECT PAPER TO HOUSE-TRAIN YOUR DOG • www.osweonion.com

THE BING ISSUE

Professor Weather won't keep lovers apart going bonkers Off-campus boyfriends get tunnel constructed to aid in hanky panky smash smash in classes

Stinger Long, Tan and Handsome scamsbf@osweonion.com

PSN: Doc_Mooby Really Lonely sendmecompliments@osweonion.com When Toys “R” Us filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy in September 2017, many employees feared their careers with the company were soon ending.

While many are concerned about employees’ families and how they will be supported if their loved ones lose their jobs, there is an individual that no one is concerned about, and it is somebody that will have the most difficulty finding another job.

It is Geoffrey the Giraffe.

Geoffrey has been Toys “R” Us’ mascot since 1965 and planned on staying with the company until his retirement.

“Business these past few years hasn’t been the greatest,” Geoffrey said. “But, honestly, I didn’t see this coming.”

Online shopping outlets, such as Amazon, and the fact that children just aren’t the same anymore are major factors for Toys “R” Us’ downfall.

In December 2017, Geoffrey the Giraffe began looking for another job.

He assumed he had enough celebrity within the company mascot world that he could secure another gig at another high-level organization. He began contract negotiations with Target, the second-largest discount retailer in the United States.

“They were crazy about incorporating an actual target into the marketing for my introduction.

Like, I got it was their name, but why’d I have to be a target? I’m a friggin’ giraffe.”

Geoffrey and his lawyers quickly worked to get him out of his Target contract, which Target agreed to.

They thought Target worked better on its own, and with Toys “R” Us using old images of his and not needing any new images, Geoffrey panicked.

“I was a disgraced giraffe at this point, and nobody wanted anything to do with me,” he said.

Geoffrey the Giraffe claims Ronald McDonald of McDonald’s fast food fame sent him a death threat. He showed The Osweonion the alleged death threat. It read “Don’t try getting into the drive-thru game, giraffe. Me and the King will f*** you up.”

“Those mo**** f****** are posers, they wouldn’t do s***,” Geoffrey said, his personality changing quickly. He exerted a criminal-like confidence the once kid-friendly mascot has never done before.

Last month, the mascot ran out

CONTENT

See CELEBRITY , deuce BAD PIZZA.....................D2 SHAME ON COACH....D3 SCARY PATTY................ D4 TAXES.............................W2 PUPPIES.......................... 69 NO DOGS.......................A1 PLEASE TALK TO ME.........B5 Wow, You Are Thorough. B1 Come Edit For Us!....... C6

The Osweonion is distributed every April 1st.

Ranchel F***erman | The Osweonion

Girlfriends who never want to drive will have more firepower in arguements over who drives where with the inception of this brilliant tunnel.

Candle Wickman Cheap Operations Officer wordsrfun@osweonion.com Of all the parking issues students have voiced to the Oswego State parking office, officials said the complaint they get most has been from off-campus boyfriends who have to take the long way around from the commuter lot to their girlfriend’s Village residence.

This week, Director of University Police Greg Brown announced plans to create a new walk path specifically for these commuters.

“We’ve been getting a lot of concerned, infatuated boyfriends coming into my department about this issue,” Brown said. “Someone suggested creating more parking lots, but why do that when you can just

build a path instead?”

The plans for the pathway were inspired by the moving walkways often used in airports, crossed with the subway system popular in New York City.

Major Projects Coordinator Cory Villnez said the project, which will take approximately two years to complete, will involve digging an underground tunnel to go from the commuter lot to the Village.

“I’ve handled a lot of big things,” Villnez said, winking. “But I have to say, this is one of the biggest projects I’ve handled in my career.”

Villnez said a one-way moving walkway will act as the floor, with escalators to get into and out of the tunnel. Brown said his main concern was making sure everything is perfect for the lovebirds.

“A guy deserves a safe, weatherproof walkway to visit his girlfriend,” Brown said. “If this walkway is a big hit, we’d love to implement similar tunnel systems—boyfriends only.”

Regina Stone and Sam Edwards were called in as a couple consultant on the project. Edwards, a senior and theatre major, said he thinks this planned walkway will be a great service to dozens of boyfriends.

“I am so in love with Regina, and I

hate not being able to see her because of crappy weather,” Edwards said.

“I think this is one of the best ideas Oswego has ever proposed.”

Stone, a junior and graphic design major, said she’s looking forward to the walkway being built.

“I think this will bring us so much closer as a couple,” Stone said. “He’ll never want to leave because the thing will only go one way.”

Unfortunately, Brown may have brought in the wrong couple, considering Stone and Edwards will graduate before the path is set to be completed.

“That may have been a slight oversight on my part,” Brown admitted.

“Rest assured, though, we’ve taken a poll of all commuting boyfriends on campus, and they all think it’s a great idea. I want this to be my legacy when I retire in a few years.”

The project, which is set to cost Oswego State $4 million, will be paid for through various fundraisers.

Brown said he is speaking with the school’s planning committee to create a series of “Valentine’s Day” dances, hopefully five per semester, with tickets selling for $100.

“It’s ambitious and perhaps a bit costly,” Brown said. “But love is priceless.”

A number of students have come forward in recent weeks to express their concern over a professor’s attitude. Harold Wilson, biology professor at Oswego State, has apparently been making increasingly dark jokes about his marriage, baldness, handwriting and artistic ability in class.

“Professor Wilson was always a funny, charming guy in class, but lately, his self-deprecating comments are getting a bit too real,” freshman Jessica Brown said.

Other students reported seeing Wilson overcome with shame and guilt after he drew a Venn diagram on the whiteboard with slightly asymmetrical circles.

Wilson was quoted saying, “You’ll have to forgive me. This is why I’m a biology professor and not an artist.”

The awkward chuckle that ensued was all too familiar to Wilson’s students.

The self-loathing asides come out of nowhere during lessons according to several students.

“He was all fired up to show us pictures from a plant-studying trip he took years ago to the rainforest,” Wilson said. “We would rather do that then listen to him drone on for 90 minutes so we acted excited too.”

Things took a somber turn when a picture popped up of him and his wife in front of a landmark.

“You may not recognize me here because this was taken when I used to have hair,” Wilson reportedly said with a transparently artificial laugh.

Wilson, referring to his wife, tried desperately to recover from his humiliation.

“I was in big trouble with the boss for wearing that tourist T-shirt to dinner.”

The chorus of laughter that followed did no favors for this tremendously insecure man.

Humor has long been a tactic used by professors to engage students. At 70, Wilson is flailing to be funny and relatable for the last few years of his dull career and maybe his life. After 35 years of teaching subjects like molecular biology and evolution, the only thing he feels he can do to be interesting to the students is to denigrate himself any chance he gets.

“It gets really cringey when he brings up his office hours,” said John Green, a junior at Oswego State. After gleefully reminding students that his office hours are a “great resource” to discuss the class or “really just anything,” Wilson reportedly mumbled, “But that’s OK I know none of you will come.” Then he chuckled

See PROFESSOR , deuce

Bing

Ching

Quank

Dank

WHO

LOOKS

AT

THESE

Sup

Image deep from the Facebook Bowels

Hi

Image deep from the Facebook Bowels

Yo

Image deep from the Facebook Bowels

Hey Image deep from the Facebook Bowels

PAGE deuce

THE OSWEONION

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it SATURDAY, April 1, 2018

Latest survey says Long Island pizza and bagels voted worst in the state, natives take stand against 'wrongdoing' Everybody knows the best food comes from the Island. And it’s not in; it’s ON Long Island just to clarify your stupid question, moron.”

Daddy Parzych Editor-in-Queef grandmaspoilsme@osweonion.com A heavily debated topic among the student body of many upstate New York colleges and universities has finally come to a conclusion; Long Island bagels and pizza were voted worst in state, according to We Get S*** Done For Students survey.

We Get S*** Done For Students is an organization that works across the region to help rank food, parking, bars and other services or places that students use in college towns. This study was focused on all types of pizza and bagels from New York state.

Nearly 55,000 students from across the Empire State completed a questionnaire to find out the best carbohydrate-filled dishes from Long Island to the 1,000 Islands. The conclusion of the study ranked pizza from the Syracuse downtown area highly with the best overall score. It also found that western New York,

- Pasqualina Rosato, Oswego State senior

specifically Buffalo, has the best bagels in New York.

And to everyone’s disbelief, because of how much they are bragged about, pizza and bagels from Long Island were voted dead last in every category.

Bagels ranked 247th, with pizza even falling below that at 350th.

“This has to be rigged, man,” said Pasqualina Rosato, a senior from Oswego State. “Everybody knows the best food comes from the Island. And it’s not in; it’s ON Long Island just to clarify your stupid question, moron.”

Students who reside outside the island are pleased to finally hear those “pricks” to be knocked down a level, says one Ithaca College student.

“I get that they favor their hometown pizza, but we get it already, “Sophomore Josh Vickstaff said. “They really just get on people’s nerves, always saying this pizza is garbage or these bagels are too

thin. Most of them are just pricks. I live with a lot of people from that region on my floor in Cayuga Hall, and I can hear their thick accents through the walls at all hours of the night arguing about nonsense like pizza.”

In exchange for their time, undergraduate students received soon-to-expire coupon books from Burger King. The coupon book helped students get free value fries, free small coffee and free value ice cream cone.

“This has gotta be the worst coupon book of all time,” said Jeff Dublin, a freshman from Hofstra University. “I’m tight. This is some major BS if you ask me. I was looking for a discount on the Bacon King. I can’t afford that s***.”

This survey will be redone each year to be as accurate as possible.

Long Islanders say they will come out in full swing next year to change the results.

“I care more about this than the presidential election,” Rosato said.

“I will not let Long Island food get disrespected like this again. I actually threw up one time just stepping inside a Domino’s last year. I haven’t eaten pizza from outside Long Island since.”

A statement from the We Get S*** Done For Students headquarters says that it has no ill will toward Long Islanders. It simply wants to rank the best food from the state with the most poorly designed license plates in the United States.

Professor Wilson not leaving his post

Students' concerns mean nothing to the school, which is no surprise

Daddy Parzych | The Osweonion

Please stop your "bragging." Nobody cares. Please get away from us. Seriously.

Even celebrity giraffes face workplace discrimination :( TOYS from COVER

OLD from COVER depressingly, “I wouldn’t come to see me either.”

A group of several students reported professor Wilson to the Mental Health Center as well as a number of his fellow faculty over the last three weeks.

Whenever he speaks to his younger coworkers, it is apparently always framed in terms of his age and impending retirement/death. Clinging on to his role as a stale, crusty academic has likely what has left him with this dark, self-loathing humor.

“I don’t know if they will be able to kick me out before I die,” is a line many faculty cited Wilson saying in reference to the retirement incentive the college has been pushing on him.

Oswego State released a statement that read, “We are taking this matter very seriously and working to find help for professor Wilson. Unfortunately, he has refused to retire in the last few years, costing us a fortune. This old bag needs to go.”

I needed a job, man.

I used to be a used car salesman back in the day, so I sold my house in LA and consolidated to my apartment in New York and looked for a job. First place I went to, I was discriminated against. In 2018 too…

Can you believe people still have so much anger toward giraffes?”

- Geoffrey the Giraffe, Image from Pixababy;)

This is professor Wilson holding his favorite peice of driftwood that he has kept for 69 years next to his bed.

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failed toy mob boss

of money, which is surprising for a toystore mascot with a 50-plus year career at a legendary company.

He was a legendary mascot and arguably still is. Geoffrey refused to answer any drug or addiction-related questions.

“I needed a job, man. I used to be a used car salesman back in the day, so I sold my house in LA and consolidated to my apartment in New York and looked for a job. First place I went to, I was discriminated against. In 2018 too… Can you believe people still have so much anger toward giraffes?”

Geoffrey claims salesmen at the dealership dragged him out of the front door as soon as he stepped in the doors and beat him in the parking lot. He claimed the owner even threw racial epithets at the giraffe, which is confusing because he is a giraffe and has no race.

“I’m alright now, man. Just spinning signs for a phone screen repair store downtown. Money ain’t great, but honestly, I don’t miss the spotlight at all.

I can finally live in peace.”

Ranchel F***erman | The Osweonion

This is one very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very scary long neck animal.

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional and meant to be satirical. All quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Ya, I'm a ding dong daddy from Dumas, and you ought to see me do my stuff.”

-Nathan Fielder

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Esteemed hockey coach under fire for inability to skate Skating is hard, apparently too hard for a HOCKEY coach to learn in his lifetime around the sport

Better than Luke Gonian Groupie icantskateeither@osweonion.com The Oswego State men’s hockey team has seen success in the last five years, primarily due to strong skaters in the offensive zone. Players such as Timmy Gorges and Victor Peterson have contributed their top speeds for the Lakers.

The strong skating has not expanded past those actually playing during the weekend matchups, however. It was announced in a private meeting with the athletics department that assistant coach Howard Erikson cannot skate.

“I’m deeply ashamed to have to admit something like this,” Erikson said.

“I wish it didn’t have to come to this.”

Erikson was the video coach and not required to skate during practices.

But, when head coach Franklin Owens asked Erikson to step in to demonstrate the opposing team’s defensive plans, he admitted that he could not skate.

I should have asked if he could skate. This is completely my fault to put the team in this situation.”

- Franklin Owens, men's head hockey coach

“In my 25 years of coaching, I don’t think I’ve ever come across this issue,” Owens said. “All of my assistant coaches have had at least some ability.”

Erikson was hired by Owens in 2010 after graduating from Trump University that same year. He has a bachelor’s degree in health sciences.

He is currently working toward his master’s in health sciences through Rutgers University online.

Erikson was one of five applicants for the job in 2010. According to Owens, Erikson was chosen due to his strong video analysis skills compared to the others in the market.

“I should have asked if he could skate,” Owens said. “This is completely my fault to put the team in this situation.”

Since moving to Oswego in 2010, Erikson has started a family of his own. He has two kids, ages 5 and 7.

The 7-year-old boy, Charlie, plays hockey for the Oswego Buccaneers.

He was not available for comment on Erikson’s skating ability or advice that he has given him over the years.

The athletics department has not issued any statements on Erikson’s future employment at Oswego State, but the signs are not looking good for the Mobile, Alabama, native. Erikson said he has no plans to leave on his own terms.

“I have loved this campus since the day I started as the film coach,” Erikson said. “I don’t think it’s right to fire me just because I can’t skate.”

The Lakers have two other assistant coaches within the system. Isaac Flowers and Wayne Kurtis have been with the team for five and six years, respectively. Both coaches were tested to see if they could skate on March 25.

With the season over, the team plans to bring Erikson into the captain’s practices to teach him how to skate effectively. Those practices will begin in late April and go through October when the season begins next year, according to team captain Ryan Nordstram.

“We love coach Erikson,” Nordstram said. “He’s been a valuable asset to this team. He’s a great father, a great friend and a great mentor.”

Erikson will have a meeting with Owens and the athletic department on May 5 to determine his future at Oswego State. The public is encouraged to attend the meeting.

Daddy Parzych | The Osweonion

Who hired this man? The world may never know. Wait, actually, we do know. You should probably read the article still.

Smelly farts force out students Building evacuates due to pungent odor radiating from 1 culprit's anus

The Great Depression Contributing Writer 10291929@osweonion.com Oswego State President Richard Johnson has issued an indefinite state of emergency for students residing in Funnelle Hall following a widespread

farting epidemic that has swept through the building, bringing back somber memories of the same plague that ravaged the central campus building during the fall semester of 1974.

Hearing the news of a farting epidemic strikes a paralyzing fear in both current residents and alumni, with horror stories coming from the contaminated walls of Funnelle every single day.

“I’ve never been this scared,” sophomore Terry Fluster said via phone interview. “I haven’t seen daylight in weeks, and the smell, it’s getting worse.”

The first group tasked to handle the farting issue, University Police Smell Department, was unable to come up with any answers as to why the students of Funnelle just cannot withhold their internal body winds.

“I, I, just cannot understand how

Daddy Parzych | The Osweonian Another fart smell epidemic has terrorized the Oswego State campus, agian in Funnelle Hall.

DISCLAIMER

this tragedy has struck once again,” University Police Chief Bob Gordon Jr. said during a bleak press conference.

“We’ve traced all the leads, and nothing adds up. We have failed our students.”

Gordon Jr.’s father, Gordon Sr., who has since passed, occupied the same role during the initial farting tragedy. Gordon Sr. oversaw the end of the epidemic after just two weeks, but the details of the solution have remained classified and have since been burned.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” Gordon Jr. said. “I’m a failure.”

Nancy Smith, a 1976 graduate of Oswego State, upon hearing about the chronic farting issues, was reminded of the worst night of her life.

“He finally asked me on a date,” Smith said. “But, I couldn’t stop farting. With each word I spoke, the farts got louder, and the smell progressed to unbearable.

Before I realized I was sick, it was too late. He was gone forever.”

Now, with over 300 students quarantined in the walls of Funnelle Hall for the foreseeable future, hopelessness has reached an all-time high for students and faculty.

“I’m afraid to go to class,” freshman Bonnie Beaver said. “The smell is terrifying, even on West Campus.”

It is unknown why these students cannot relieve themselves of their excessive farting or how it started.

Johnson announced that the students in Funnelle Hall will be facing expulsion for the sake of other students’ and staff members’ ability to continue their everyday duties on campus.

In a strange turn of events, there is one student on campus who is thoroughly enjoying this epidemic.

“I honestly think it smells pretty good,” Cole Parsick, sports personality at the student radio station screamed with joy.

“I like it and I hope they keep it coming!”

President Johnson warned students to anticipate an FBI presence in coming weeks on campus while the issue is investigated.

Slender Man | The Osweonion

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional and meant to be satirical. All quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

PAGE 4?

THE OSWEONION SATURDAY, April 1, 2018

Students have differing opinions on Oswego Taco Bell Saga continues; say bye bye campus food stop gun rule changes (hint: you don't need 1 anyways)

Straight White Male *externally screaming* isitbecuaseimgay@osweonion.com Crossbows, the Auxiliary Services food counter in Marano Campus Center, announced Wednesday that it would be raising the minimum age to buy guns at its location to 21.

The popular food stop, which sells chicken tenders, burgers and other comfort foods, has faced backlash after it was discovered that it was selling guns to students under the age of 21.

“Honestly, it’s ridiculous,” said Martin McMichaels, an Oswego State junior and blobfish relations major.

“With all that’s going on in national politics at the moment, it’s tone-deaf of them to sell guns to anyone who isn’t old enough.”

Auxiliary Services, the department on campus that administers the dining halls and cash-operation food locations around campus like Snowstorm cafe and the Ottawa Bagels, as well as the catering services for campus events, said that the ban on 18-to-20-year-olds from purchasing firearms from Crossbows was intended to show support for gun control and smart gun legislation.

“If we don’t start regulating these weapons, gun violence is going to continue,” said Westin Winchester, an administrator with Auxiliary

Services. “We can’t always count on government to act, so we took the matter into our own hands.”

Some students may be surprised to hear that Crossbows sells weapons, as it does not list them as available items on its menu. However, the food counter has sold upward of 2,000 weapons since it began sales in 2004.

The guns available at Crossbows range from small handguns, like a Glock 26, to large rifles, such as the well-known AR-15. Weaponry bought at Crossbows is reported to University Police, who check in with the purchaser to ensure that they will turn the weapon in to the UP station in Pathseeker, as all students who bring weapons to campus are required to do as long as they remain on campus.

Some students have expressed disappointment in the decision, and one group on campus has even begun the process of suing Auxiliary Services over the decision, stating that it violates students' Second Amendment right to buy a weapon.

“We have waited till we were 18 years old, never getting in trouble with the law, and gotten our gun licenses, and now we can’t buy guns at the food counter in the middle of our own college campus,” said Ty Trapeze, chairman of the Oswego State Gunslingers Association. “If I can’t purchase a weapon alongside my burger and fries - or maybe those fried mac and cheese bites, those are good - then I don’t feel like I’m in America.”

Some national chains have made the decision to raise the minimum age to buy guns at their locations, including Jel. Jel. Bean, Floormart, and Hot Dog Sporting Goods. Other companies considering similar measures include Bullseye, Dollar Specific, Darbies and Cheap Furniture Warehouse.

Once again, pleas to ban this colon-clogging food joint falls through

Flavor Flav Flavell Emotionless kindascary@osweonion.com Oswego State students were jumping at the news of a Taco Bell making its home in Oswego, but to the disappointment of many, it appears that this Taco Bell plan has fallen through again.

The plan had originally been postponed due to a lawsuit of competition a Taco Bell would have on Dunkin Donuts.

Due to this, Mayor Dennis Monroe approved for the placement to be farther from campus into the industrial area on the East side where there was previously a Ponderosa. According to the Oswego County Zoning Commisioner, Earl Barry,

this new location comes with its own host of issues.

“There cannot be a Taco Bell in that location,” Barry said. “The reason that the Ponderosa establishment left is because of a lawsuit that the area is in too close proximity to other eateries and the risks were too high.”

The east side of Oswego is the home of many shopping centers, restaurants and supermarkets. It is, to many, the errands area of Oswego where people go for many options.

“What I love about the area is that I can find anything I need there because of all the variety,” Oswego resident Sadie Marks said. “I don’t see why restaurants would care if one more was added. There are already so many.”

While there are a variety of eatery options already in the area, Barry said it is mainly Taco Bell’s reputation and popularity that is the issue.

“Ponderosa was at risk,” Barry said.

“And Taco Bell is a far more established and popular chain. Especially with all of the hype of one finally coming to Oswego, it would set up a red flag for other chains in the area to sue for competition.”

Daniel Seaburgh, the manager of the KFC on the East side of Oswego, agrees that especially for popular chains who

are competing for customers, Taco Bell is a threat.

“Our menu is very different than Taco Bell’s,” Seaburgh said. “But I am sure we still share a lot of the same customers.

People want a variety of food and if a Taco Bell comes, I am sure it will mean we have less customers since they will have a new option to eat at.”

Fajita Grill, Oswego’s current alternative to Taco Bell for Mexican food, is housed closer to campus but is still concerned with the impact this addition could have on its business.

“Right now, our only competition is Azteca,” Ryan Miller, the manager of Fajita Grill, said. “And even then, they aren’t really competition because they are built as a sit-down restaurant, whereas we offer the convenience of food to go. If a Taco Bell were to come to the area, even on the east side, they are closer enough to make a major negative impact on the success of our sales."

Due to the high volume of complaints and objections, Monroe and Barry are holding a Zoning Board meeting to see if there is an acceptable alternative location for the Taco Bell. If one cannot be agreed upon, it does not look like Oswego will be seeing a Taco Bell anytime soon.

Image from Mike Mozart via flickr All this politicking is keeping stoners away from the savory goodness and heart-stopping good deals that Taco Bell offers on the reg. This madness must stop.

Daddy Parzych | The Osweonion Crossbows does a good deed and raises the age to buy assault rifles, but nobody really needs weapons like that.

IN THE OFFICE

5 TIMES A DINING HALL CHICKEN PATTY ADDRESSED ME BY NAME

Daddy Parzych Editor-in-Queef mygfhatesme@osweonion.com I, too, always looked forward to my break in classes to get my hands on my all-time favorite meal: the Oz Chicken Patty. Normally, I aim to eat at least three in one week, but I woofed down five in a five-day stretch one week last semester, and my whole perspective on the fan-favorite food changed. I once considered those chicken patties my best friends until this lifealtering week when the chicken patty talked to me and addressed me by name five times.

1. It was a Monday, and after my history class with professor Dick Wang, I decided to hit up the MCC and stand in line at The Crossroads. I ordered my normal meal; a chicken patty with cheese, mayo and lettuce, and a Dr. Pepper.

I sat down, opened the box and noticed that the bun was moving.

It was specifically moving at the fold in the bread and spat out my name. “Cole, take me home with you. I really want to get to know you better. I just love spending

DISCLAIMER

this time with you at lunch,” it said. I was weary at first, but I spent all Sunday night doing my online class work I put off until last minute and was really tired.

Maybe I was just hearing things, so I ignored it and ate.

2. The following day, I went back to the same line and ordered the same meal after my classes ended for the day. I sat down, but before I could even open the togo container, I could hear muffled screams. I didn’t even want to open the box. I thought moving my spot would get it to shut up, but it just got louder. Soon I could hear “Cole, Cole, Cole” coming from the box. When I was in the spine of the building, I had enough and launched it inadvertently toward a group of admitted students touring the Al Roker studio, who were totally ignoring The Oswegonian office, as usual.

3. Come Wednesday, I was nervous and did not want to eat the chicken patty again, but it was the meal for lunch that day, and I was too broke to eat somewhere off campus. I went to the dining hall and again got the normal meal. This time, the chicken patty pleaded to me, “Please, Cole. Take me home with you! We could become really good friends and have a lot of fun. Save me from this food prison!” At this point I was so scared that thing kept following me, which I’m pretty sure does not happen to everyone.

I again ate it and tried to forget my traumatic experience.

4. For lunch that day, I again hit up ye ole Crossroads for my all-time favorite, hoping it would

stop. Sadly, it did not. I sat down, listening to a podcast in my headphones, and it apparently drowned out the sound of the chicken patty again talking to me.

I then knew that was not supposed to happen. I had taken two bites out of it, and it still kept talking to me.

“Cole, why would ignore our pleas for help? We know each other. We are best friends. Help us dear lord.” I was shocked but tried talking to it to explain myself to it.

How did it know my name?

“We all know your name, Cole.

You are the chosen one! Save us,” it pleaded.

5. Friday morning, and I was convinced I would not eat that devil patty again. Somehow, I got tricked into eating one by a really attractive female, so I could not resist. I got my meal first and went over to get some napkins before I sat down. Surely enough, it was talking. This time, it seemed angry.

“How could you ignore us, Cole?

You will pay for this. You will be haunted by our over-processed goodness for the rest of your life, which may not be long because we are watching you.”

Out of sheer panic, I threw it on the ground and stomped it. It was still yelling at me, though. I quickly scooped it up and flushed it down the toilet near the lounge area. I had surely ruined my date, but I had to do something.

To this day, I have not gone near that bathroom and have not ordered a chicken patty. Please be aware. This could happen to anyone.

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional and meant to be satirical. All quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.