The Osweonion 2017

Page 1

DISCLAIMER

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

April 1 Edition 2017

THE JOLLY STUDENT RAG OF OSWEGO STATE UNIVERSITY • www.osweonion.com

VOLUME YO ISSUE SON

Taco Bell comes to Marano Campus Center Franchise comes to Oswego State campus after protester's sign from SUNYAC finals captures attention

On-campus student bar revived in Lani

Alex Cutlery Sass-master iliketakinfotos@osweonion.com

Photo provided by the mother of Taco Bell's Oswego State store manager Mexican fast food franchise, Taco Bell, brings excitement while fullfilling students' desire to sit in their rooms alone, half drunk to scarf down all of the deliciousness they have to offer.

Natalie Brophy AP Queen iliketoswim@osweonion.com

Auxiliary Services announced Wednesday that fast food franchise Taco Bell will begin con-

struction of a restaurant on the Oswego State campus in May. The restaurant will be located in the Marano Campus Center Food Court, next to the Laker Express Mart. “We decided that bringing a Taco Bell to campus would be a great benefit to the campus community,” the general manager of Auxiliary Services said. “It would give students more choices when it comes to deciding what to eat on campus.” Taco Bell reached out to Auxiliary Services and asked if the college would be interested in opening a location on campus after seeing pictures of an Oswego

State student’s sign circulating on social media. The student brought a sign to this year’s Whiteout game that read “Oswego Needs a Taco Bell.” “I can't believe Taco Bell actually saw my sign,” the student said. “I just made the sign as a joke. I didn't think they would take it seriously and actually build a Taco Bell on campus.” Students will be able to use their Laker Dining Dollars at the Taco Bell location. It will be open Monday through Thursday from 7 a.m. until midnight and Friday and Saturday from 7 a.m. to 3 a.m. It will offer the full Taco Bell menu and

Lanigan Hall will be demolished in April to make way for a new bar on campus. Classes scheduled to be held in the hall for the coming academic year will be moved to Oswego High School. The bar, which has yet to be named, is being constructed to protect students from potential accidents that may result from drinking off campus and to supplement income for the college. “We believe it's best that if students are going to be getting plastered during their time at Oswego State, they should be doing it in the safety of the campus,” said Jon Thomas, the chair of the newly developed Oswego State Department of Alcoholic Safety. Students taking classes that are moving to Oswego High School will be able to use a special Centro service paid

be staffed by students, who will be trained by Taco Bell managers. The restaurant will be open to the public, since it is the only location in the Oswego area. Taco Bell also announced they will be accepting student input to create an Oswego Lakers special. Students will be able to submit ideas for the special on Taco Bell’s website beginning over the summer. “I think a fish taco would be appropriate, since we are right on beautiful Lake Ontario,” Oswego State’s president said. The Auxiliary Services general

See CHIHUAHUA, dos

See ALCOHOL, pi

Notoriously tardy students punctual for 5 a.m. Rokerthon check in Peers struggle to attend late morning classes yet arrive on time for early national broadcast leaving professors confused

CONTENT

JoAnn DeLauter NOT Deb Stan iliketravis@osweonion.com

SLOTHS........................... C2 POPTARTS ANYONE?.C7 MORE SLOTHS.............. C6 BING ON CHING..........A2 PUPPIES.......................... C1 MAYBE KITTENS...........A1 RANDOM GIRAFFE............B5 Wow, You Are Thorough. B1 Come Edit For Us!....... C6

The Osweonion is distributed every April 1st.

Junior Feebe Kollins has been late to her 9:35 a.m. marketing class a total of 21 times this semester. Despite her track record, Kollins was right on time for the 5 a.m. start to “Rokerthon 3” in the Marano Campus Center Arena. “I was more motivated,” Kollins said. “Although I know attendance counts for my overall grade, the slight chance that I might be on national television is well worth losing my beauty sleep.” Kollins was not the only one to go into Friday morning’s event with

this mindset. According to Oswego State’s Official Attendance Tracking Examiner Charles Erving, 3,000 students were absent from their classes on Friday. “At first, I noticed it in the hallways in between classes, but when I collected the data that day I realized it was true, it was a school record amount of absences,” Erving said. Senior David Barisma said he has never missed a Thursday night pug night to get 10 cent beers and after having eight

beers, he did not go to bed until 3 a.m. before having to wake up at 4 a.m. for the start of Rokerthon. “If I had my usual 10:20 a.m. class, I would have slept in,” Barisma said. “I was determined to be a part of the world record attempt. It has always been a life goal to break a world record.” According to Barisma, he never participated in a conga line before and after a night of binge drinking and an hour nap, he thought he was going to throw up on the ice.

“It was hard to hold it together, but it was worth it,” Barisma said. “I don’t think I would ever do that again, especially if it was for class.” Professor Jayne Tilletto from the Human Studies Department explained that the presence of a national celebrity such as Al Roker has easily influenced the priorities of students. Yet they are “only human” in their decisions and she agrees with their mindset.

See ROKER, pi

Sports

Opinion

Laker Review

Osweonion.com

CUDDLE TIME

WELL HELLO

READING POETRY

CONFUSED YET?

B3

Photo provided by Frontierofficial via Flickr

B5

Photo provided by Wikimedia Commons

C5

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WEB Photo provided by Silk Knoll via Flickr


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