The Osweonion 2017 by The Oswegonian

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Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

April 1 Edition 2017

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THE JOLLY STUDENT RAG OF OSWEGO STATE UNIVERSITY • www.osweonion.com

VOLUME YO ISSUE SON

Taco Bell comes to Marano Campus Center Franchise comes to Oswego State campus after protester's sign from SUNYAC finals captures attention

On-campus student bar revived in Lani

Alex Cutlery Sass-master iliketakinfotos@osweonion.com

Photo provided by the mother of Taco Bell's Oswego State store manager Mexican fast food franchise, Taco Bell, brings excitement while fullfilling students' desire to sit in their rooms alone, half drunk to scarf down all of the deliciousness they have to offer.

Natalie Brophy AP Queen iliketoswim@osweonion.com

Auxiliary Services announced Wednesday that fast food franchise Taco Bell will begin con-

struction of a restaurant on the Oswego State campus in May. The restaurant will be located in the Marano Campus Center Food Court, next to the Laker Express Mart. “We decided that bringing a Taco Bell to campus would be a great benefit to the campus community,” the general manager of Auxiliary Services said. “It would give students more choices when it comes to deciding what to eat on campus.” Taco Bell reached out to Auxiliary Services and asked if the college would be interested in opening a location on campus after seeing pictures of an Oswego

State student’s sign circulating on social media. The student brought a sign to this year’s Whiteout game that read “Oswego Needs a Taco Bell.” “I can't believe Taco Bell actually saw my sign,” the student said. “I just made the sign as a joke. I didn't think they would take it seriously and actually build a Taco Bell on campus.” Students will be able to use their Laker Dining Dollars at the Taco Bell location. It will be open Monday through Thursday from 7 a.m. until midnight and Friday and Saturday from 7 a.m. to 3 a.m. It will offer the full Taco Bell menu and

Lanigan Hall will be demolished in April to make way for a new bar on campus. Classes scheduled to be held in the hall for the coming academic year will be moved to Oswego High School. The bar, which has yet to be named, is being constructed to protect students from potential accidents that may result from drinking off campus and to supplement income for the college. “We believe it's best that if students are going to be getting plastered during their time at Oswego State, they should be doing it in the safety of the campus,” said Jon Thomas, the chair of the newly developed Oswego State Department of Alcoholic Safety. Students taking classes that are moving to Oswego High School will be able to use a special Centro service paid

be staffed by students, who will be trained by Taco Bell managers. The restaurant will be open to the public, since it is the only location in the Oswego area. Taco Bell also announced they will be accepting student input to create an Oswego Lakers special. Students will be able to submit ideas for the special on Taco Bell’s website beginning over the summer. “I think a fish taco would be appropriate, since we are right on beautiful Lake Ontario,” Oswego State’s president said. The Auxiliary Services general

See CHIHUAHUA, dos

See ALCOHOL, pi

Notoriously tardy students punctual for 5 a.m. Rokerthon check in Peers struggle to attend late morning classes yet arrive on time for early national broadcast leaving professors confused

CONTENT

JoAnn DeLauter NOT Deb Stan iliketravis@osweonion.com

SLOTHS........................... C2 POPTARTS ANYONE?.C7 MORE SLOTHS.............. C6 BING ON CHING..........A2 PUPPIES.......................... C1 MAYBE KITTENS...........A1 RANDOM GIRAFFE............B5 Wow, You Are Thorough. B1 Come Edit For Us!....... C6

The Osweonion is distributed every April 1st.

Junior Feebe Kollins has been late to her 9:35 a.m. marketing class a total of 21 times this semester. Despite her track record, Kollins was right on time for the 5 a.m. start to “Rokerthon 3” in the Marano Campus Center Arena. “I was more motivated,” Kollins said. “Although I know attendance counts for my overall grade, the slight chance that I might be on national television is well worth losing my beauty sleep.” Kollins was not the only one to go into Friday morning’s event with

this mindset. According to Oswego State’s Official Attendance Tracking Examiner Charles Erving, 3,000 students were absent from their classes on Friday. “At first, I noticed it in the hallways in between classes, but when I collected the data that day I realized it was true, it was a school record amount of absences,” Erving said. Senior David Barisma said he has never missed a Thursday night pug night to get 10 cent beers and after having eight

beers, he did not go to bed until 3 a.m. before having to wake up at 4 a.m. for the start of Rokerthon. “If I had my usual 10:20 a.m. class, I would have slept in,” Barisma said. “I was determined to be a part of the world record attempt. It has always been a life goal to break a world record.” According to Barisma, he never participated in a conga line before and after a night of binge drinking and an hour nap, he thought he was going to throw up on the ice.

“It was hard to hold it together, but it was worth it,” Barisma said. “I don’t think I would ever do that again, especially if it was for class.” Professor Jayne Tilletto from the Human Studies Department explained that the presence of a national celebrity such as Al Roker has easily influenced the priorities of students. Yet they are “only human” in their decisions and she agrees with their mindset.

See ROKER, pi

Sports

Opinion

Laker Review

Osweonion.com

CUDDLE TIME

WELL HELLO

READING POETRY

CONFUSED YET?

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PAGE dos

THE OSWEONION SATURDAY, April 1, 2017

Elevator shut-down due to obesity

Health Center turns off elevators across campus to fight fatness

Grasshoppah | The Osweonion

Elevators throughout campus are being shut down so people will get some sort of exercise at some point throughout their day.

Maria Pericozzi Hedgehog Highness ilikecoffee@osweonion.com Students, faculty and staff will no longer be able to ride elevators in residence halls to help combat the problem of obesity throughout America. The Mary Walker Health Center and the LifeStyles Center at Oswego State requested that ResLife shut down access to elevators in residence halls after an unnamed student broke the elevator from being overweight. The elevator was then out of service for more than three months. Some students don’t agree with the upcoming changes and are fighting to change the administration’s mind.

“This is ridiculous,” an Oswego State student said. “What if I am on crutches or am carrying something heavy that I can’t carry up the stairs?” According to peoplewhotakeelevators.com, people who take elevators die twenty year and three days sooner. “We only have the students best interest in mind,” said Captain Supervisor of the Office of Fitness Centers. Elevator buttons are going to be replaced with ID scanners, for some select faculty, staff and students to have access if needed, according to the Director of Mary Walker Health Center. In order to get access to use an elevator, a written letter needs to be hand delivered to the President’s office explaining the accommodations needed with a doctor’s note. A physical is also needed to be done by Mary Walker Health Center. The inspiration for this change was America being a leader in the world when it comes to the problem of obesity, according to the Oswego State President. “It is a great idea and I am proud of the college for instituting the new pol-

icy,” the Oswego State President said. “Students need to walk up the stairs to help lose weight.” Students have peacefully protested throughout the week by organizing sitins in front of elevators. Chants and songs have been heard throughout the halls of every academic building and residence hall. “Stop being haters, give us back our elevators!” Is one of the many chants heard. Although this was meant to be a good change, student's are appalled. “I think students are overreacting,” the director of Mary Walker Health Center said. “It is only a few flights of stairs and it will really help the health of the human body in the long run.” Some faculty members are also in support of the upcoming changes. “This saves time, space and money,” said Associate Ambassador of Residence Life and Housing said. They are able to invest this money into thicker toilet paper, more washer and dryer and free condoms. “I’m going to laugh when the school’s president has to walk up six flights of steps every day,” she said.

Poop-enducing food stand expects grand opening in Fall 2017

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Taco Bell Enthusiest via some website with some name

The Taco Bell franchise will grace the Oswego State campus with its presence.

CHIHUAHUA from COVER manager said students’ responses to the Taco Bell have been “overwhelmingly positive.” However, local "Mexican" restaurants Quesadilla Grill and Maya are not so thrilled about the news. “This franchise is going to run me out of business,” Maya’s owner said. “I can't compete with their

prices or that location.” The Quesadilla Grill manager said she is so angry about the news that she decided to stop partnering with Oswego State groups and clubs for fundraising events. “We will no longer partner with the college after their decision to bring a Taco Bell to the area,” a Quesadilla Grill manager said. “We thought the college valued small, local businesses, but apparently that is not the case.”

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

PAGE

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Oswego State Athletics adds curling team to SUNYAC Conference Div. III athletes prepare for historical debut by learning art of unrecognized sports with Canadian

Cole Parzych Bing Squad of 1 ilikeching@osweonion.com

The sport of curling will be gracing Upstate New York with the newest addition to the Oswego State Athletics lineup. The main obstacle in the way of growing the program is the lack of knowledge that the sport exists outside of the frozen tundra, maple-syrup guzzling country known as Canada. The sport of curling requires four players at a time to participate in the match. However, the team is looking to fill out a roster of 10 people to stay as competitive as possible with other college teams across the country. Oswego State Athletics Department Director Anthony Kurtshort thought adding the team would help attract more Canadian students and diversify the sports on campus. “The sport of curling is an untapped gem that we wanted to get a head start on,” Kurtshort said. “It doesn’t get as much love as it deserves because it really is an exciting sport.” Currently, the team is looking to finalize the interview process for a head coach by the end of the week. There have been two players that have signed up for tryouts already. Both are junior weight-lifting aficionados looking to take the next step in their athletic careers, despite not knowing much about the sport. “I’m hoping this will make me a

Soon to be a Disney Princess | Curlingisanactualsport.com

Curling may soon be more popular than hockey in the United States, if only people would understand its awesomeness. Curling is love. Curling is life. more-well rounded dude, dude,” Garr Beige said. “Those rocks can’t be that heavy, and I’m jacked already so we should good if we can fill out the team. The front runner for the head coaching job, as it stands currently, is former Curling Canada Director of Janitorial Services, Robby Murcan. “I’m very excited for this opportunity,” Murcan said. “I hope the job will be mine. I know the only other applicant was a trout that grew legs and walked out of Lake Ontario.” Murcan has limited experience in

the sport, but since he is Canadian and less than 12 percent of Americans actually know the rules of curling, according to a recent OnChing.com survey, Murcan wants to the opportunity to continue to grow his knowledge of the sport on the fly. “I’ve only practiced the sport outside of my janitor’s closet with crushed cans and an old mop I modified,” Murcan said. “I don’t know how good other competition is, but I was better than any opossum that happened to climb out of the walls back

in our old facility.” Tryouts will be held at the end of August with the official date still to be determined. They will be held inside Romney Fieldhouse after complete renovations to add a pebbled ice surface for the program’s use. Renovations have begun with no thoughts of seeing a delay in the process. Players hope the facility will be ready come late summer so training can commence. “Dude, for real though, that stuff better be ready,” Smith said. “I hate waiting

for stuff. That’s why I’m not allowed in any sit-down restaurants north of the Mississippi anymore, dude.” The other person who has signed up for the team, Nicolas Quank, was once in the Major Junior World Association of Curling before he stopped playing the sport because he moved to the states. “I’m really excited for this opportunity,” Quank said. “It stunk when my family had to leave our home Ball’s Falls, but this new team is going to be on bing.”

Old building welcomes new bar Chance of being on Lanigan Hall rebuilt to house new way on-campus students get turnt TV outweighs classes ALCOHOL from COVER

for by an extra fee levied on their student bill when they take classes held there. “We realize its fairly short notice, but the decision to demolish Lanigan and build the bar was made fairly quickly,” said Jazz Fereti, assistant transportation consultant to the Oswego State Student Association. “We believe the costs here are something the students can handle.” The bar will operate during Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings, with discounts for early arrivers and those who visit during midterm and finals weeks. “While I understand that many students may have classes or studying to do, I think we need an escape from the crushing stress,” said James Bursstiss, an Oswego State junior. “Alcohol is a great way to avoid your problems, as well.”

The area around Lanigan Hall will be closed for the rest of the spring semester, and the bar is set to open in mid-fall 2017. Penfield Library and Mahar Hall will both experience small interruptions to their normal schedules during the demolition process which is set to begin over the week of April 10. “I’m personally not happy with the fact that they’re doing this when classes are in session,” said Comp Lainer, director of Penfield Library Access Services. “They haven’t given us a lot of time to reschedule events in the library, and students won’t be able to use the 24 Hour Room or the main library for about a week.” The bar itself is currently in its planning stages, with an online comment system available for students to provide their input on its construction. Ideas can range from what drinks the bar should specialize in to what kind of events it should host. “We’re aware of mug nights and triv-

ia nights in city bars in Oswego,” said Thomas. “We definitely want this to be a fun place for people to come to. It’s kind of a pointless endeavor if we can’t get people to go.” Another service the bar will provide to the campus will be to be the official alcohol seller for OzFest. “OzFest was developed to give students an alternative for the Bridge Street Run bar crawl. Now, we realized that the alcohol is the main reason people did that,” said Felice Postus, a board member for the Oswego State Department of Alcoholic Safety. To combat fake id usage, the bar will require patrons to scan their student id’s, which have their date of birth electronically stored on them, to gain entrance. Students will also be allowed to use dining dollars for drinks, but will not be allowed to use meal swipes. “At the end of the day, its all about making this an easy and fun place for students to visit and safely get hammered,” said Thomas.

Lint Licker | The Osweonion

PLEASE INSERT PHOTO CAPTION HERE... ANY DAY NOW... NO? OKAY...

ROKER from COVER

Swift Trees | The Osweonion Lanigan Hall get pimped out into a bar after being demolished that is opened to all students . Student classes are moved to Oswego High School.

DISCLAIMER

not to worry about being late or missing class that day.” Although she recognizes the importance of the event, she does not understand how students can wake up at 5 a.m. to do a conga line on ice but cannot wake up for her 9:20

a.m. class. “Classes that start at 8 a.m. are a different story, but I don’t understand why students find difficulty in waking up for a 9 a.m. class,” Tilletto said. “It is almost as if the classes are not interesting or engaging enough. Maybe next time I will dress up like Al Roker.”

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

PAGE 4?

THE OSWEONION SATURDAY, April 1, 2017

STAFF EDITORIAL

GAMES

GOODBYE OSWEGO STATE Since 1935 The Oswegonian has served both the campus and local community by providing the latest news happening on campus, locally and even nationally. However, after loss of interest in print readership, incapabilities of the staff to produce quality work on less than four hours of sleep every week and a lack of funding from the Student Association, the newspaper will be closing its doors. The staff at The Oswegonian would like to thank all of its staff writers for continuing to show that news is important and that print can still be trendy. We would also like to thank all of the impeccable readers who have stuck by our sides for the past 82 years. For the past several years, the newspaper and its staff have been encouraged to keep growing and changing as the world of journalism is constantly changing. However, these changes come easier, in most cases, for bigger

papers that are always updating their website and can dedicate all of their time to update content hourly. As students, we have struggled to devote every waking hour to ensuring that we get news to all of our readers in a timely fashion. Between classes that confirm our positions as journalists in society and other social obligations, the staff has worn itself thin, often having to sacrifice sleep and even food to get everything done. However, the staff agrees that it has been worth it and that even though the paper will be closing its doors, we will continue to provide newsworthy content through other student organizations and the internships and jobs we have later in life. It has been an amazing ride here at The Oswegonian. We have had many ups and downs, tackled the ever-growing sphere of social media and witnessed countless great moments both

on campus and in the community. From the 2007 men’s ice hockey championship to Rokerthon, the staff has been excited, along with students, to cover these events. Working at the paper has truly been a great life experience and the feedback we get from our readers has helped us write better, build better content and continue to discuss topics people care about. It has been our honor to write for the community and we encourage our readers to keep reading the latest news, even if it may be through online subscriptions. We hope that our readers will keep discussing issues they find important. This is not the end for the members of the paper or for our readers. When we turn off the lights and lock up the doors to the office for the very last time, it will be a little sad, but it will also be an encouragement to continue to grow and protect the values established under the First Amendment.

Sudoku

Dining Halls now serving Shamrock Shakes McDonald's won't be the only place to find the minty-goodness YSAE YREV :YTLUCIFFID

taht os dirg eht ni lliF dna nmuloc ,wor hcae 9-1 sniatnoc kcolb 3x3 .ecno yltcaxe

ot noituloS s’keew siht -zup ukoduS

IDKLOL | Tweeter.gov

Criselda Mapoy Lint Licker generallicker@osweonion.com

Directions: Find the WORDS. It ain't hard!

Horoscopes Aries (April 19 - May 13): Have you seen “Power Rangers” yet? No? What are you doing with your life? You make time to do the things you love so take a bit of time to go see “Power Rangers,” or we will find you.

Taurus (May 13 - June 21): Poke someone who was in the conga line with Al Roker. Not saying that it will bring you good luck, but it can, and will, make all of your wishes come true. The longer you wait, the less powerful the magic.

Gemini (June 21 - July 20):

It has been scientifically proven that blondes have more fun, so why not go blonde for a bit? Dye your hair, dye your eyebrows, dye your beard or, if you do not have one, grow one so you can dye it blonde.

DISCLAIMER

The Shamrock Shake machine is down at McDonalds. That is the last thing a shake lover would want to hear. But fear no more, Shamrock Shakes will soon be distributed in other places. McDonald's CEO Ronald McDonald met with Oswego State President Deb Stan Thursday to discuss a new drink to be offered on campus in the dining halls. The new drink is Shamrock Shakes. After many complaints to corporate officials at McDon-

alds, Oswego State students’ voices have been heard. McDonald's announced a binding contract with Oswego State that allows an unlimited supply of Shamrock Shakes to the school for a fixed price. In addition, the contract states the shakes will be served year round. Deb Stan and McDonald are pleased with this progressive change in the Oz community. “I love being Irish,” Deb Stan said. “I love Shamrock Shakes even more and I would sleep with them every night as long as I live!” As March and Irish Heritage Month rapidly come to an end, Deb Stan wanted to go out with a bang. As an Irish American herself, she noticed that her community was underrepresented. Deb Stan also said this decision will not only benefit her, but also win the hearts of many students. “Yeah, this is great news,” student Lucky Charm said. “I love Shamrock Shakes. This is my lucky day.” Students like Charm are happy about this advancement. They were fed up constantly hearing McDonald's employees tell customers their Shamrock Shake machine was down. After trekking miles from the school to go

to McDonald's, they often leave disappointed and angry-faced. Students like Charm are fortunate to have cars on campus. However, many shake lovers do not. Some Shamrock Shake fans walk at least seven miles to get one. “I was morbidly obese, but I always made a trip to McDonald's for a shake, because you got to love those Shamrock Shakes,” said Chris P. Bacon, a carless student. Walking seven miles every day and leaving empty-handed has given him more frustration than those who were able to drive to McDonald's. “I lost 300 pounds just from walking to McDonald's,” Bacon said. “This was not my plan. I did not want to lose weight. I just wanted a Shamrock Shake.” Resident dining centers are also looking forward to serving Shamrock Shakes to customers. “This is a brilliant idea,” one dining hall employee said. “It will definitely bring more revenue to our services. We strive for our customers to be and stay pleased when leaving the dining halls.” The contract and the distribution will go in to effect Friday, March 31.

B Y h a l f - e a t e n P o p -Ta r t

Cancer (July 20 - Aug. 10):

Libra (Oct. 30 - Nov. 23):

Sagittarius (Dec. 17 - Jan. 20):

Eat a bagel. The type of the bagel does not matter, but if you are eating a blueberry bagel it is recommended that you put butter on it, not cream cheese. If you do not have a toaster, one will be provided for you.

Everybody wears a mask, whether literal or metaphorical. The best way to prove this to your friends is to start wearing a mask every single day of your life. Not everybody can see a metaphor.

If you give a freshman a cookie, they will ask for a glass of milk. If you give them a glass of milk, they will tell you that consuming animal products is wrong and that you are part of society’s problem.

A, B, C, D, E...what comes next? You decide. Living your life solely based on the present laws and standards of the generation that came before hand is for suckers. Live your own life by your rules.

Save Deborah Stanley's life and she will owe you a favor. Better yet, she will owe you her life and become your slave like a sitcom from the ‘70s. Be warned, it gets old rather quickly.

Oswego needs a mascot. You should be it. Throw on a green mask and a gold cape and call yourself “Laker Person.” Laker Person can have ice powers and the ability to summon broadcasters at will.

Virgo (Sep. 16 - Oct. 30):

Ophiuchus (Nov. 29 - Dec. 16) :

Aquarius (Feb. 16 - March 11):

Pisces (March 11 - April 18):

The horoscope you are trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please check the sign you are trying to reach, hang up and try the sign again. Thank you.

Otters are so cute. Everyone should have one for a pet. Life would be easier if otters were the only pet people were allowed to have. There should be a law that implements this idea. Food for thought.

Has anyone ever tried to eat a candle? Probably, but that does not mean you will not be the first to do something. You could be the first to eat one with relish while drinking a Coke Zero. Believe in yourself.

Legends say that the ghost of Snygg haunts Shineman Hall, because his building was destroyed and named after another. You, three friends and a dog should go investigate this tonight.

Leo (Aug. 10 - Sep. 16):

Scorpio (Nov. 23 - Nov. 29):

Capricorn (Jan. 20 - Feb. 16):

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.