OFM thoughts
A Queer in Recovery
The me Lifetime ofaaLifeti Tripof TheTrip Hi, my name is _______, and I am an alcoholic. When I have thought back over all the years I used mind-altering substances, and the varying reasons why I used them, I always arrive at the same conclusion: it’s all for escape. I think in some instances, escape is a completely healthy and natural desire, and it often is a gift that there are substances that can distort reality, mangle perception, and deliver feelings of relief and ecstasy. However, it’s when the altered reality becomes the preferred version of existence that we then cross the threshold from recreation to addiction. Alcohol is not the only substance I have been abused, though it still remains my drug of choice. From my first consumption at age 13 to my final drink more than 20 years later, it’s the one I always come back to and can never control my usage with. In 12-step programs, we define craving as being a broken “off ” switch and very different from the urge to drink. The way to understand craving is to put it in this context: once I have a drink, the craving kicks in, and I want more and more until I physically cannot tolerate any more. From making myself physically sick to blacking out, no amount of alcohol was ever enough. If I have a bad day, I may have the urge to drink, but it’s the fact that I can’t stop once I’ve started that led me to the decision to abstain from alcohol altogether. Any other mind-altering substance I have used, including cannabis, have been unfavorable, if not downright distasteful to me. I was introduced to cannabis in high school, and it’s primary purpose at that time was to escape the grip that depression had on me. In a way, it did become very medicinal, even if my initial desire to use was also coupled with rebellion against my parents and the religious construct I was raised
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in. At that age, I was also introduced to cocaine, and that led me down a dark path and closer to addiction than any drug encounter had before. I was using cocaine as often as I could, and I was definitely developing an unhealthy reliance on it. Secrecy and lying were my life, and prolonged cocaine usage was becoming a very expensive hobby, so that eventually led me to snorting crystal meth. In a lot of ways, I was fortunate that I overdosed that first time because that was enough to scare me away from further usage of both meth and coke. Throughout this time, I was still smoking pot, but developed paranoia when I used, so the frequency became less and less. That is still my reaction to this day when it comes to consuming any form or strain of cannabis; I become fixated on things like time and feel out of control of my body in a way that I don’t like. I had hoped, during one of my bouts of sobriety last summer, that I could switch from alcohol to cannabis, but that proved failure because I can’t shake the anxiety-inducing effect that cannabis has on me. An area that I have found interestingly beneficial, and went from escapism to healing, was the use of LSD. As the result of childhood trauma, I developed an eating disorder by age 12, and that helped me bring some sense of control back to my life in adolescence. Through the body abuse of this eating disorder, I also began to hate my body and even look at it as though it were the enemy. I found the only thing that would turn off the negative thoughts in my head about my body was to use alcohol. By age 34, I was actively using my eating disorder, in full-blown alcoholism, and felt trapped.
