Dec. 18 :: Family

The Tah Tahs Denver’s energetic queer cover band

INTERVIEW Stuart Milk on his heroic uncle’s legacy

VIE-CARPENTER Life is like a compost pile

Volume 37 • Issue 18 | 12.18.13 – 12.31.13 Help!

FREE | $3.95 Outside Colorado ‘I’ve lost interest in sex’ OutFrontOnline.com Out Front’s ‘sexpert’ gives advice

OUR DYNAMIC FAMILIES

For LGBT people there’s no wrong way — a photo album of who we build our lives around + When children of LGBT parents come out

Lawsuit seeks same-sex marriage in Colorado through courts

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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The New Year’s Eve

Masquerade Ball dress to impress Drink specials all night Food, champagne toast & No Cover charge

New Years Day Free good luck brunch Ham Hock & Cabbage $2.00 Bloodies, Mimosas, & Screwdrivers

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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CONTENTS

VOL. XXXVII ISSUE #18 December 18, 2013 t

t

24

Our cover families

(clockwise from top left):

WE ARE F A M I LY

Cait McGrath with her chosen family

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Anthony Aragon and David Westman with Andale & Arriba Heidi Hess, Helen Bowman and family Cleber and Brian Galv達o-Penick Billy Wright and family Shanna Katz and Leo Kattari Kayln Bohl and Joy Lockwald with Otis & Jimmy Buffett

SO LIV FO CUS CIAL ING 6 7 10 12 14 18

Letter From The Editor Speak Out Out In Colorado News Panel Cover Story

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7

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24 26 28 30 36 38

Year In Review Food For Thought High Society Calendar On The Scene Interview

40 42 44 45 50 52

28

52

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Urbanism Beauty Faith & Spirit Faith Back In The Day Sexuality

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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from THE EDITOR

We keep coming back to ‘family’ ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS

Robyn Vie-Carpenter, “The Lesbian Socialite,” is a columnist who also interviews movers and shakers, culture-makers and romantic couples with a story to tell (she’s happily married herself). See her column on page 16.

Kristin Ziegler has dedicated her life to screens: when she’s not in front of her laptop she’s likely spending time with her iPhone, iPod or her favorite screen — the silver one. A lifelong film enthusiast and recovering art school snob, Kristin is thrilled to combine her interests in high culture with LGBT rights. See her interview with local queer cover band The Tah Tahs on Page 28.

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

Family is one of those cover story concepts we return to again and again. We, like all magazines, consciously avoid repeating content, in our case charting out general cover story topics long before they’re actually written and printed, to help make sure we keep it varied and cover “everything” we should (if that were possible). But there are so many different aspects to “family,” and so many different ways to interpret what it means or talk about it, it’s never long before you’ll see it appear again. We could create an LGBT magazine that’s completely devoted, in every story, to family — and even then we’d never run out of content.

The first place our lives as LGBT people intersect with “family” is when we come out — figuring out how to have those often-difficult conversations to relatives who had different expectations for us. Figuring out whether we want to have the conversations in the first place.

Figuring out how the relationships continue after they know, and in some cases figuring out how to rebuild our lives when those relationships with parents or siblings break down because of who we are.

In a better world, hopefully one that’s someday coming, when people have no assumptions or prejudices about how their kids might identify or whom their kids might love, how will those conversations go? Will they even have to happen at all? This issue’s cover story might have clues: it features two young adults who were raised by lesbian and gay parents and even-

tually realized they, too, were lesbian or gay. Having LGBT parents who completely understood what being LGBT means, they did avoid some challenges brought with coming out, but they still required some exploring, and time, to figure it all out with their families. It turns out that’s just part of life, whether or not we’re LGBT. After we come out, we think about “families” of our own — finding a partner, a husband or wife, starting our own household that looks like the one we one we grew up in (or maybe doesn’t look like the one we grew up in). And, maybe, raising children of our own. A lot of us who are yet-childless are full of questions about that one: what’s it like growing up with two moms or two dads? Would our kids feel like they missed out on something?

Would they be bullied? If they are, would they resent us? A simpler question: what words could our kids use to tell “mom” and “mom” apart? This cover story definitely answers those.

“Family” has also been a word used as a political tool against us — as a narrow and limiting sense of “family values” that our very existence challenges. But the idea of “family” is so universally human, found in different forms in every society and culture on Earth, that it’s not something we can allow to be taken from us. Family is ours as much as anyone’s, and we will stand our ground.

“Family” is also an affectionate term we use when someone else is lesbian or gay. This is getting to the

part I love most about LGBT people and families — we really expand what it means, and in doing that, I think we make “family” even more relevant to everyone.

Our families are the people we love most, whomever they are — blood relations, romantic partners (sometimes more than one partner), step-parents or siblings, adopted children, pets, sometimes roommates or close friends and coworkers, and sometimes we broaden it out to include our whole community, or our whole world, as our family. There’s an amazing and beautiful amount of variety in the ways people in the LGBT community interpret family, and in who we consider part of our families. And in that way of looking at things is a wisdom I think we can offer the entire world.

Connect with t Out Front is your platform for the expressions and perspectives of Colorado’s LGBT and allied community — we want to hear from you!

www.OutFrontONLINE.COM /OutFrontColorado

@OutFrontCO

To respond to or send a story idea or tip, learn about becoming one of Out Front’s panelists or columnists, write your own Speak Out column or provide general feedback, email Out Front’s editors directly at editorial@outfrontonline.com.

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SPEAK OUT

Am I making myself perfectly queer?

Finding the right word to come out, again.

By Jon Monteith t No matter where I go, there’s something about my hair that screams, “Please offer me unsolicited feedback.”

“Bieber wannabe.” “Mesbian (male lesbian).” “So retro!” I’ve heard it all. Sometimes I can even complete my eye roll before the sentence is finished.

To be fair, my hair isn’t exactly inconspicuous.

Longish and sideswept, it stands out in a town where traditional masculinity and rugged looks still prevail. Even in Denver’s gay bars, where one might expect a little more latitude, you’ll find the “no femmes” mantra is alive and well.

The most striking reaction, though, has come from a particular guy I’ve bumped into at several events since moving here early this year. With each encounter, smirking, he asserts that I need to cut my hair. With each half-joke, it gets a little more awkward – as if he has some compulsion to lead me to the apparent promised land of looking like a standard dude.

Time after time, it’s as if this guy and others who have chimed in along the same lines are

telling me I need to get my act together. To “man up,” if you will.

But I won’t.

Here’s the issue: I don’t see myself strictly as male. Or strictly female, either. At the end of the day, I’ve realized I’m a little bit of both.

There are moments, for example, when I see my own body in the mirror and think: “Wow, I like my chest hair.” Or the masculine shape of my legs. Or whatever unspoken manliness that people have been drawn to in me.

Other times, my feminine spirit takes over.

From a fairly early age, I’ve had an instinctual desire to experience powerful aspects of motherhood, such as breastfeeding. I also have a decidedly uncomfortable reaction to being labeled a man. On one memorable evening in particular, a then-lover’s seemingly affectionate remark that I’m “a good man” had the unmistakable effect of a thousand nails on a chalkboard.

All over the map, right? Which begs the question: What the heck am I? Looking at a few textbook definitions, I started to chip away at that question. t Continued on Page 8

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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t SPEAK OUT // Continued FROM Page 7 Stop #1 on the journey: “transgender.”

Although it’s often used as an umbrella term that covers a wide range of identities, the more narrow definition of a transgender person is someone whose psychological self – or “gender identity” – differs from the social expectations for the physical sex assigned at birth. As an example, this would include a person who was born a female but identifies as a man. While not wholly unrelatable, this more specific interpretation of transgender didn’t resonate fully with my own, more seemingly nuanced identity.

Then I came across the term “genderqueer,” which is defined as “a person whose gender identity is neither man nor woman, is between or beyond genders, or is some combination of genders.”

Bingo! I’m genderqueer. Ready to solve the puzzle, Vanna.

But there are a few hiccups. Some really loud ones, actually.

For so many of us – spanning all sexual orientations and gender identities – “queer” is a word with a very complicated history. It has been used for decades to reduce and denigrate those who are – or are perceived to be – lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or otherwise non-normative in some way. When hurled as a pejorative in the predominantly straight world, “queer” can carry a unique pain and shame.

But some have sought to reclaim the word in order to heal and ultimately move forward.

They’re joined by a growing movement across the country and around the globe that embraces “queer” as an inclusive term encompassing folks like me, who feel their gender identity or expression isn’t adequately reflected by the traditional male-female binary.

And although plenty of LGBT and non-LGBT folks have being using the “Q” word to self-identify for years, there is no better example of its still-mixed reception than what happened right here in Colorado just a few weeks ago.

It started when 66-year-old John Kichi, who was applying for a job at Colorado College, made headlines with his outrage at the use of the word “queer” in a question on a job application.

Kichi was upset that the private liberal arts college provided five options for a voluntary inquiry about gender identity: not disclosed, male, female, transgender, and queer. Having been made a target of past discrimination due to his sexual orientation, Kichi disparaged the word “queer” as outdated.

The college’s response? That the inclusion of the word is “intended to represent the college’s commitment to and acknowledgment of

diversity related to gender,” and that while the term is still used as a slur by some, “Others have reclaimed it and are comfortable using it to describe themselves.”

The college’s explanation speaks far beyond its Colorado Springs campus. Because, like it or not, rising generations are coming to understand “queer” in an entirely different way than the John Kichis of the world. And the number of people who grow up identifying as queer or genderqueer will only continue to rise, as the term – or the reality behind it – becomes more comfortable and accepted outside the Ivory Tower.

You can add my name to that tally. And I know I’m not alone. Without question, we are many.

Think of all the people in our lives – brothers, sisters, parents, cousins, friends, acquaintances, co-workers – who were handed the boygirl dichotomy on day one and expected to make a choice. I think it’s safe to say that each and every one of us knows at least one person like me, for whom that choice was ultimately false to begin with.

So, what do we do about it now? How can we move forward in a way that helps these people be honest with themselves and with others, while still honoring and respecting the journey of those who came before us – those whose connotations and experiences don’t necessarily look like ours?

For starters, it’s important to allow for open dialogue – where we actually commit to listening to each other. Despite my initial frustration with Kichi’s comments about the term “queer,” I did try to pay attention to what he was saying and came across an interesting nugget. Expanding on his feelings, he said, “The current generation of 20-somethings may be kicking the word around and having fun with it, but it’s not a gender.”

And here, there may be an opportunity for bridgebuilding. I wonder what Kichi would think if he had the chance to speak to some of my older friends who identify as genderqueer. Brave, honest people who understand and can even relate to his discomfort with the word, but who’ve also fought tooth and nail to understand whom they truly are.

Truth be told, ‘queer’ is still a tough word for a lot of people to hear.

‘Queer’ is not the temporary language of overreaching youngsters in some sort of phase.

It’s a final – and deeply personal – destination.

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For them, “queer” is not the temporary language of overreaching youngsters in some sort of phase. It’s a final and deeply personal destination. And I think it’s important for folks like Kichi to hear that – just as we’ve heard them out.

It’s not always going to be easy. As the head of communications for One Colorado, the state’s largest LGBT advocacy group, I know firsthand the balancing act that advocates for equality face. On one hand, it’s my job to make sure our movement is using persuasive, relatable language in talking about our lives and our community – because we’re still being asked to convince a non-LGBT majority that we deserve full recognition under the law.

Truth be told, “queer” is still a tough word for a lot of people to hear.

On the other hand, we have a duty to stand up for everyone in our community – and that includes the many LGBT people who also identify as genderqueer or gender non-conforming. As more find the courage and support needed to walk this path, it’s vital that we make intentional space for their lives and their stories – even when it means having challenging conversations with those who aren’t quite with us yet.

Ultimately, it’s not just a label – or the first letter of that label – that we need. But the label is a start. Being in the company of those who have blazed trails before us gives us an important opportunity to talk about the history of our movement and the evolution of the words we use.

And if this conversation is handled respectfully and honestly, maybe that sometimes controversial, all-too-often mysterious “Q” – which has long dangled at the end of LGBT, not always sure of itself or the space it occupies – can finally be understood for the powerful clarity and selfacceptance it’s brought to lives like mine.

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Article originally published in the Colorado Independent and can be found at r ofcnow.co/perfectly-queer Jon Monteith serves as Communications Director for One Colorado, a statewide organization fighting to secure equality for Colorado’s LGBT community. His early 2013 sprint for the Mountain West – and quest for marginal political detox – came after a five-year stint in Washington, DC, most recently as a speechwriter for the Democratic National Committee. Jon has also worked for the Human Rights Campaign and as a congressional press aide. A proud graduate of the University of Illinois, Jon was once described as a “militant homosexual” by the official right-wing publication on campus; he considers it a badge of honor to this day.

FYI

Colorado native Dave Montez to lead One Colorado

India ruling brings to 77 the number of countries where it’s illegal to be gay*

The organization that successfully led the lobbying effort for civil unions in Colorado will bring Dave Montez on as its new executive director, One Colorado announced this month.

The top leadership role has been vacant since September, when previous executive director Brad Clark left for a position at the Human Rights Campaign’s national headquarters in Washington D.C. Montez, who grew up in Walsenburg and graduated from the Metropolitan State University of Denver, worked for the Colorado-based Gill Foundation as program officer and was most recently the acting president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, a New York City–based national organization to improve how LGBT people are portrayed in media and culture.

Montez will take his post at One Colorado beginning early next year.

“This is personal for me,” Montez said in a One Colorado press re-

A ruling Wednesday by India’s Supreme Court to re-criminalize homosexuality brings to 77 the total number of countries where homosexuality is illegal.

The colonial-era law criminalizing homosexuality was first struck down by a lower court in 2009, but the high court, in overturning the ruling, said it was up to lawmakers, not the courts, to repeal the law.

With that ruling, India joins 76 other countries where homosexuality behavior is illegal, according to a 2013 report from the International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association. In five of these countries — Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Mauritania, Sudan — as well as parts of Nigeria and Somalia, homosexuality is punishable by death.

After 3-month vacancy, Montez to fill role previously held by Brad Clark

lease. “From coming of age as a gay Latino kid in a rural Southern Colorado town to lobbying my legislator for the passage of civil unions – and everything in between – I understand what LGBT equality means for Coloradans and our families.”

In the same release, One Colorado’s board chair Bobby Clark said, “We’re thrilled to have found a leader who has such deep roots in Colorado, combined with extensive experience nationally in the LGBT movement. Dave is one of the great young leaders of our movement, and we’re so fortunate that he’s bringing his talents back to his home state.”

Colo. baker says Jesus does not want him to bake cakes for gay couples* In a segment titled “The Death of Free Enterprise,” Fox News’ Elisabeth Hasselbeck speaks with Jack Phillips, the Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple’s wedding ceremony.

Philips says that it is “God’s design” for him to be a baker, and that he believes Jesus does not want him to bake cakes for same-sex couples.

Last week, a judge said Phillips and his Masterpiece Cakeshop in suburban Denver discriminated against the couple “because of their sexual orientation,” and ordered him to serve gay couples despite his religious beliefs, or face fines.

Phillips said he’s willing to go to jail “if that’s what it takes” to avoid baking cakes for gays. * Reports from LGBTQNation.com

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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OUT IN COLORADO

Determined to make a difference Physique competitor fights domestic violence

By Charles Broshous Lakewood resident Aaron Fransua, 26, defies characterization — the full-time student and physique competitor who turned a tragic loss in his life into a call for social change, launching his own nonprofit foundation against domestic violence.

In May 2011, Fransua's mother Denise was shot and killed in Denver by her exboyfriend who then fatally shot himself.

Two months later, Aaron and his family established the Denise Fransua Domestic Violence Foundation, a nonprofit organization designed to help raise funds for local shelters and educate the public about domestic violence.

Fransua hopes that through education the foundation can help victims get out of abusive relationships. To help raise funds, the Foundation organizes a 5K run every year — an event that not only provides much-needed resources for an important social issue but has deep personal meaning for many who attend.

“At every event, at least one person has come up and asked for assistance,” Fransua said.

Your HIGHLANDS real estate LGBT specialist MICHAEL MADSEN 303 726 1543 M i c h a e l @ UrbanLegendary.com 10

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And when it comes to drive, Fransua derives that, too, from his life experience, and has been training for physique competitions for the last five months. He entered his first event in September and won fourth place in his age category.

“It is my way of grieving,” he said, “a chance to focus on something and forget about other things.”

A business management student at the Metropolitan State University of Denver, Fransua hopes to eventually go to law school and become a judge — “The judicial system failed my mom,” he said. “I want to change the system from within.”

He said he would like to see the Foundation work more with the LGBT community, where domestic violence is often underreported or misinterpreted by law enforcement.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please seek help as soon as possible. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 800- 799-SAFE (7233). r For more information on the Denise Fransua Domestic Violence Foundation or to make a donation, visit denisedv.org

OUT IN COLORADO

Cora Vette's leg up on local burlesque

By Berlin Sylvestre t Cora Vette can work a stage. One minute she's regaling the crowd with naughty jokes ("What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They're always looking for a tight seal"). The next, she's using coy innuendo — while wrapped in a tastefully tawdry ensemble that, with its careful attention to lifting the lady's "ladies," is virtually 3D, (nudge, nudge). Gracefully, tactfully, the modern-day madame shows no fear when it comes to freeing the sexy beast within.

"Cora Vette is the insane incarnation of myself," she said after wrapping up an admittedlyconservative performance for a White Christmas ball she hosted.

“Myself” refers to Reyna Von Vett, a former Vegas entertainer who’s sped up the pulse of crowds from Texas to Tokyo.

On this blustery evening’s performance she kept it clean (she adds, "for the most part"), fitting the more mature, jazz-centric crowd. "Right now, though, I'm on my way to a gay bar and I can tell you: conservative ain't happening."

Cue wolf whistling, which, for once, is welcome.

"After living in Vegas for six or seven years, my idea of risqué is heightened," she said. And it’s apparent in the ease by which she ad libs marvelously between sets and lets some opulently off-color anecdotes set the “we’re all adults here” tone.

This is a woman who takes very specific measurements of the guys in her male dancing troupe, “The Hot Rods,” to make their G-strings.

“I call them ‘penis pockets’ and sometimes they take a loooooong time to make,” she said smiling, leaving open what she’s hinting at.

Classic Cora.

Von Vett also manages a troupe of seven burlesque entertainers known as the VaVaVettes. Helming the mic as host and hypewoman, she's also the group's costume designer, charged with constructing elaborate pieces that will end up looking nice on the floor, too — since that’s where they’re going.

Musically, she likes to marry old-school Liza Minnelli/Bette Midler stuff to new-school Gaga/

IF YOU GO What: RestoMod Burlesque Where: The VooDoo Comedy Playhouse • 1260 22nd St. Denver, CO 80205 When: Thursday nights, 8 P.M. How much: $20

Rihanna material.

“Everyone should able to throw down at my shows,” she said. She likens some of her numbers to “Gypsy Rose meets Britney,” enjoys “taking something vintage and making it fresh,” but still resonant with the original.

When asked the difference in being hit on in a gay bar opposed to a more conservative venue, she confides, “It’s not different at all! But I think I scare people more than anything, so I don’t really get the ‘Heybaby-what’s-your-sign?’ stuff.”

“Would it bother you if people hit on you more often?” I ask.

“No! That’s my goal for 2014. All sexy, all the time.”

She’s currently working on a coquettish concerta of sorts that takes doublespeak to mischievous new highs. “I feel like there’s so much overt sexuality nowadays and people are getting used to it,” she said, sighing. “I want to focus on music with innuendo, music that’s obviously filthy if you let your mind go there.” That shouldn’t be too hard. In the meantime, catch her show “Martinis and Misbehaving” every Sunday night at the Black Crown Lounge or visit CoraVette.com to learn more about the sassy lassy with the mouth of a sailor and voice of an angel.

Where ALL are welcome Join us every sunday at 5PM

Christmas Eve

Mass 8pm

1100 Fillmore Street. Denver, CO 80206

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NEWS

Committed to each other — committed to change Adams County couple suing against Colorado’s same-sex marriage ban has been advocating equality since early 90s

By Mike Yost Dr. Rebecca Brinkman and Margaret Burd walked into the office of the Adams County Clerk on October 30 and requested an application for a marriage license. The couple, who have been together for 34 years, met all of the requirements for a marriage license — with one notable exception.

“The clerk, a very nice young woman, told us that in Colorado two women could not get married,” Burd said. “She offered us a civil union application, and we said we weren’t interested in a civil union.”

Brinkman and Burd filed a lawsuit against Adams County the same day. The case seeks to overturn Amendment 43, Colorado’s voter-approved referendum that in 2006 defined marriage as a union between a man and a woman.

This is not the first time the couple has fought a Colorado amendment. Brinkman launched a phone banking campaign in 1992 when Amendment 2 was on the November ballot, a referendum that would have prevented municipalities from passing anti-discrimination laws protecting LGBT people.

“We worked quite diligently during that period,” Brinkman said. “We had a list of voters and we asked them how they were voting on Amendment 2. We did that for several weeks.”

“We also ran a campaign walking around the neighborhoods of Adams County,” Burd added. “So we were really running the volunteer efforts in this county. We go pretty far back with that.”

Though Amendment 2 passed, an injunction was filed and the amendment was overturned by the United States Supreme Court in 1996. Brinkman said the experience taught her and her partner that staying silent about their relationship was no longer an option. “It became clear at that point that in order to create any change, we had to be visible. We had to come out and let our neighbors know who we are.”

Burd and Brinkman first met each in Missouri as faculty members in the same school. “We were both teaching at this little school outside of Kansas City,” Burd said. “We were told to coach together, and out of that we became friends.”

The friendship quickly blossomed into a relationship. Their first year together, the couple biked from Oregon to Brinkman’s mom’s home in Missouri. “That kind of cemented the whole thing. We’ve been together since.”

Burd and Brinkman had their own private ceremony were they exchanged commitment rings with each other. “We went out on a long hike, and it was very purposeful and meaningful to us. Over the years we’ve upgraded to diamonds,” 12

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Brinkman joked. “We were poor teachers at couples in a civil union do not have access to, such as tax credits and social security benefits for the time.”

The couple has faced a number of challenges surviving partners.

“Clearly the population at large does not unover the years as an unmarried couple. Ten years derstand the truth of diago Brinkman ended minished or abbreviated up in the emergency rights inherent in civil room with a head injuunions,” Brinkman said. ry. When she returned “This is why Margaret to the hospital a week and I have decided a lelater to remove the 35 gal challenge to Amendstitches in her head, ment 43 was the right Brinkman was asked choice for us, rather for her next of kin. than trying to convince “I said it was right the mass of Colorado there in the paperwork. citizens to overturn the It’s Margaret. The womamendment in a later an asked who Margaret election cycle.” was, and I said she’s my Brinkman and Burd partner. The woman said their love and comreplied, ‘No, no, no, we mitment to each other can’t have that. We need is no different from the name of a relative.’” couples who are allowed Brinkman’s closest next to marry. of kin was her 80 year “We helped each othold deaf mother — who er through the death of lived 600 miles away. our parents. We helped A hospital represeneach other through tative told Brinkman graduate school and the that she should have set move out here [to Coloup a power of attorney, rado],” Brinkman said. a precaution she al“We should be able to ready took, but hadn't get married in the state brought documents in Brinkman and Burd said their love of Colorado among our the day of the injury. friends and family and “That paperwork was and commitment to each other is make it truly the kind in the basement, and I no different from couples who are of affirming celebration was bleeding profuseallowed to marry. that we think it is.” ly and I didn’t think I The couple’s layer, would need that kind Ralph Ogden of Wilcox of documentation.”

Though the passage of civil unions earlier & Ogden, P.C., explained the case for the lawthis year resolved some of the legal issues LGBT suit. “Amendment 43 violates the equal proteccouples face, Burd and Brinkman believe it’s tion guarantee of the 14th Amendment. Colorado grants a right to be married to heterosexual not enough.

“I had mixed feelings about civil unions,” couples and denies that right to gay couples.”

Ogden added that the same-sex marriage ban Brinkman said. “I really want to acknowledge the people who worked on that, and I’m really also denies LGBT couples the right to due prohappy that they did that. But we don’t want to be cess. “The government can’t do something that is a subset. Anytime in history when we’ve created utterly arbitrary and capricious, and I feel very strongly that Amendment 43 is an arbitrary and separate but equal, it’s never equal.”

Brinkman runs her own chiropractic clinic, capricious treatment. It singles out a group of and stated many of her own clients are confused people for discrimination.”

Ogden is hoping for a district court decision about the differences between civil unions and marriage. “Many, many straight patients have by next summer. If appealed, it could take 12 to come into my office and said they read about our 18 months before the case reaches the Colorado lawsuit in the newspaper. All of them said they Supreme Court.

“Be patient with the judicial process,” Ogden thought we already had marriage rights.”

There are more than 1,100 federal benefits said. “This isn’t going to happen overnight, but I and protections afforded to married couples that think we will prevail.”

Outfrontonline.com

Outfrontonline.com

DECEMBER 18, 2013

13

PANEL voices

Question: What is ‘family’ to you?

Keo Frazier is a local entrepreneurial and business leader, and the fearless founder of KEOS Marketing Group.

Iowa native George Gramer, jr. is the president of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans.

Since coming out almost a decade ago and thereby losing connection with my biological family, I’ve held to the idea that friends are the family that I choose for myself. This idea fit really well in my circumstance and continues to be one that I live by.

I guess it is a bit ironic then that I love other people’s families so much. In my experiences dating, I’ve consistently gotten a huge boost out of the family events of my boyfriends. Without a family of my own involved in my life, I derive great pleasure from being welcomed into the family spaces of others.

For me, family is not just the biological family but also those other connections that have lasted through tough times and been there to share your life experiences.

I can’t say that I consider every friend of mine as family but those ones who have been through all the highs and lows of my life and manage to still like me have earned that position. It was the passage of time and the shared experience that make them family more than any shared biology ever could. The idea of ‘family’ incorporates some of my closest friends who are closer to me than any member of my bio-family ever was. Holidays were made for these types of friends.

Pieter Tolsma

My “family” has, as a minimum, five components.

My blood relations: I cannot deny that they are my family. We are all very different, but I love them all dearly.

My friends: Having lived five-sixths of my life in the closet, a good number of my friends are straight. Regardless, I love my friends — wherever they live, and whatever they do. I think that the small group of close friends I have developed since moving to Denver six years ago is a most interesting and unique band of brothers.

My church: I know that for many LGBT, church is not an important element of life. To me, a gay man, not out in my open and affirming congregation, I find the faith community to be a wonderful family. I have been on twelve mission trips in the last decade, and each has been an inspiring personal experience.

My workplace: As a veteran, I am still close, close friends with all my coworkers from Panama 1989, and many of my other military friends from a wonderful almost 29-year career. Bonding in a wartime situation creates close family.

My world: You all are my friends and family. Most of you do not know me personally, but I am a good person, and I find the world to be a wonderful place.

Everyone is my brother or sister. That is what life is about.

George Gramer

Keo Frazier

In the MerriamWebster dictionary on my bookshelf there are eight definitions of family, each having two or three sub-definitions. Each of those definitions links family as a unit having a common thread, bond or ancestry. My family follows the MerriamWebster dictionary definition with some additions.

My family is there through the smiles and the sadness. My family includes my grandparents who offer wisdom, my mother who loves me unconditionally and my wife who is my muse and strength. Family loves, forgives, heals and cherishes. My family is a gift that cannot be replaced or forgotten because my family gives unselfishly.

Friends can be like family but they can never replace your family unless they have gone through the smiles and the sadness over many years. Once a friend can love unconditionally, give always and forgive everything they become family.

A family is a bond that holds a group of individuals together. My family is my glue that holds me together. So, for me, family is immensely important; since Merriam-Webster includes eight definitions for family in the dictionary, I assume that family is just as significant and important to everyone. No matter how you define your family, they are important to how we live and survive decades upon decades.

Pieter Tolsma is program coordinator of Denver PIQUE, a sexual health and social support program for gay/bi men in Denver.

Join the Panel. Contact the editorial department by email at editorial@outfrontonline.com or call 303-477-4000 ext. 702 to be considered.

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

FOCUS

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Martial Arts are a fun & unique way to improve your mind and body this new year.

Resolve to be a better you.

877.215.5464 • kungfudenver.com 852 Broadway Suite 250 | Denver, CO 80203

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

15

THE LESBIAN SOCIALITE

A spiritual compost pile Using scraps of Life experience as fuel for beautiful growth t I’ve been doing a lot of cooking lately, which means I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.

So when I sat down to write a fun, pithy, light piece for the end of 2013, I was distracted by thoughts from the kitchen, especially about composting. I’ve become obsessed with that — maybe it has something to do with spending so much time lately at farmers' markets.

I’ve been thinking about what composting really is — taking what is normally considered a waste product, and by tending this pile of waste, creating gold for your garden — a great metaphor for life.

Each challenge we face in life often brings up feelings of fear, pain, anguish, loss, anger, and so on. When we experience these feelings we must somehow find a way to move passed them — to learn the lessons necessary and continue forward. These leftover emotions are a waste product from the experience. When we don’t find a way to learn from these experiences, we allow these emotions to fester and linger in our lives, like old smelly garbage, assured to repeat these experiences until we learn the lessons. When we take these emotions and truly learn what this experience has to teach us, we take this waste product and use it to feed growth in our life.

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

FOCUS

appreciate your life for the rich (and I am a vegetarian. My dietary sometimes messy) experiences that choices create a lot of organic waste created it, you’ll find yourself reward— rinds, peels, leaves and so forth. ed with fertile stuff you can use to All of this comes from the earth, and grow something beautiful. by composting, we take the parts we Composting takes patience and didn’t find use for and give it back to dedication. Although a lot of the work the earth to grow something new. is done by the worms — they eat their I am a human. My mind and heart own weight in organic material every create a lot of extra emotions — fear, day — you must tend pile daily, watchguilt, anger and so forth. All of these ing the balance of heat, air and moiscome from within, and by composting our spirit, we take the parts we no lon- Robyn Vie-Carpenter ture for the best results.

Photo by Flor Blake Spiritual composting is the same. ger find useful or healthy and give it You must have patience with yourself and dediback to our spirit to grow something new.

There are many parts to composting. You collect cate yourself to the understanding that you are the waste products in a receptacle — a pile or bin. important enough to do the work. You must dediThen you turn them over daily, like stirring your cate yourself to tending your spirit, giving yourpot of soup. The other important element isn’t any- self the proper love, care and support necessary.

Now, as we look at the last year and look thing you can do, but comes only with time, receiving help externally in the form of worms, insects, toward the new one, how will we use the chalmicroorganisms and such. When we do this for lenges we faced? Will we look for the lessons and our spirit, we use different tools like journaling, create growth? Or will we wallow in our leftover exercise, meditation and love to break down our emotions, with the assurance of repeating them? waste material, allowing these “worms” of care to Robyn Vie-Carpenter is a social columnist on the create incredible shifts in understanding.

Whether you literally create the rich compost local and national LGBT community. r See more to feed the soil and grow your plants, or you use of Robyn’s columns online at ofcnow.co/TLS or the metaphorical approach, taking the time to find her on Twitter @TheLesSocialite.

Outfrontonline.com

bleed like me

World AIDS Day revelation

Breaking the silence about living with HIV For World AIDS Day in 2010, I quoted a survey that had once the Metropolitan Commu- been done on the former gay social nity Church of the Rockies networking website called “Connexwould present three speakers to the ion” asking users whether or not congregation: one to talk about the they would date someone who was past, another to talk about the pres- HIV positive. Only about one-third of the responders said ent, and a third to discuss yes. To me, this didn’t the future for HIV and sound like a community AIDS. And lo and behold, that was all that supportthe church asked me to ive or even truly educated be the one to speak on about HIV and AIDS. the future.

But we can’t expect By this time in my HIV other people to do the journey, I had still been work for us. If anything, too disturbed by my own it’s up to us HIV-positive status to actually participate in any local World Scott McGlothlen people to interfere with the vicious cycles of stigAIDS Day events. Even though was open about being poz ma by breaking the silence. I made with most of my close friends and a call to action for my audience: that family, I wasn’t quite sure I wanted we become the teachers by living more openly and honestly about to broadcast it to the world.

But I decided to accept the our status.

Living honestly can help in two church’s offer — they must have seen some kind of potential in me. very significant ways. One, it can That sort of flattery can go a long educate those in our community way, even for something as nerve- who are naive about the disease. racking as public speaking on HIV Two, it can help ease that isolation for those who are newly diagnosed. and AIDS. But how would I know what the Since silence fuels the stigma, and world needed for its future? I may hiding our status helps no one, not not have been an expert on what even ourselves.

After I wrapped up my speech, the future needed for this disease medically or politically, but I cer- I got off of my high horse and tainly felt I understood the human stepped down from the podium dimension. The top two things that while the audience applauded. As make HIV diagnosis so excruciat- I sat down, I had a new revelation ingly painful are the confusion on this World AIDS Day evening. and the loneliness — both result- What I had said was all fine and ing from the heavy stigma attached dandy but it didn’t mean anything to HIV. I wondered if these things if I didn’t put my money where my could easily be alleviated if people mouth was.

So I got out my phone and were just willing to be more open opened up the Facebook app. I about being HIV positive.

This began to make sense and it updated my Facebook status: “Toapplied not only to our own back- day is World AIDS Day. And I am yards but also in a Worldly context. coming out. I am HIV positive. I am The more we would sweep it un- happy. I am healthy. I am a survider the rug, the more this disease vor and I am not going to deny it could continue to spread and win. anymore.” And with that revelaSurely the future of HIV and AIDS tion, I ended up officially broadwould shift dramatically if the casting my HIV status to the world after all. stigma stopped.

I started off my speech by explaining that stigma isn’t just a myth Scott McGlothlen is a cultural color a buzzword — any stroll through umnist on life as a HIV-positive gay the Craigslist personal ads were man. r See more of Scott’s columns example enough. Most would say online at ofcnow.co/scott or contact “DDF only” or “I am negative, UB2.” him at scott@outfrontonline.com.

Outfrontonline.com

FOCUS

DECEMBER 18, 2013

17

Cover Story

Erin Anderson & family

Danielle Johnson, Matt Cantwell, Cassidy Sauter & Tabitha Gleason

WE ARE FAMILY For LGBT people there’s no wrong way — a photo album of who we build our lives around

Sara, Alicia & Miles Decker

State Senator Pat Steadman

Ramon Muniz & family 18

DECEMBER 18, 2013

Cover story

Cheryl Hamilton & Kareen McCollough Outfrontonline.com

In our community, families come in many different forms. We asked our readers to send photographs of who they call theirs, whether it's parents and siblings, partners, children, step-relatives, pets, or even roommates and friends. They provided this album of combinations of all kinds — showing "family" isn't defined for us by rule, but by the people who share our lives.

Debbie Scheer & family Photo by Hans Rosemand / hansrosemond.com

Gregory Sargowicki and Lawrence French with Evita and her pups

‘It runs in families’ Michelle Bressette, Beau Laurence, and Daniel Ricker

LGBT from one generation to the next

Ben & Brian

By Matthew Pizzuti t When lesbian and gay parents have children who turn out to be lesbian or gay themselves, it brings new meaning to LGBT people referring to each other as “family.”

Recounting the story of how his parents’ marriage began, Ben Reid described a sadly familiar scenario lived by many generations of LGBT people: A story of growing up religious, of hiding secret feelings of same-sex attraction, of getting into a heterosexual relationship in hopes that marriage and children would make the feelings go away.

We’ve heard enough of those stories to have an idea of how they typically run their course.

But this family’s tale took a twist that’s much less common — even beyond the fact that Ben, now 24 and living in Denver, is gay himself — beginning, the story goes, on his parents’ wedding night.

Ben said that’s when his father reached a breaking point, and confessed — to the woman he just married — his worry he might be gay.

“My dad broke down and told her,” he said, “and my mom said, ‘I think I am too.’”

The newlyweds, Brian and Karen Reid, must’ve met that revelation with a sigh of relief, now knowing that neither of them were alone in their quiet struggle being lesbian or gay in a heterosexual marriage — Reid said to his knowledge his parents didn’t take the question further during eight years as husband and wife. [ continued on next page ]

Devon & Jean McClurken with Boston Photo by Melissa Prosser Photography melissaprosser.com Outfrontonline.com

cover story

DECEMBER 18, 2013

19

State of Colorado Speaker of the House Mark Ferrandino, Greg Wertsch & daughter Lila

top row: Ben, Karen and Jessica bottom row: Amy and Brian

[ continued from previous page ] That changed a year after Ben, the first son after two daughters, was born, when his parents divorced to chart more forthright paths for their own lives and their family.

A modern clan “From talking to my mom about it, I think my parents split up and didn’t see anyone romantically for a while,” Reid said. “But eventually my parents sat us down as a family and explained that they were both gay.”

Ben was too young to be able to recall that family meeting. For as long as he can remember, he said, he’s been part of a distinctly modern family, of gay parents divorced on uncommonly good terms (his mother even kept her married name to this day), of lesbian and gay step-parents, and of three children plus step-siblings and eventually nieces and nephews — coming together for gatherings and holidays as the loving family where Ben would grow up and eventually bring home boyfriends of his own.

“Growing up, my sisters always said it would be funny if we all moved in together, and my mom and Jane (Ben’s mother’s ex-wife) had a room, and my dad and Matt (Ben’s father’s ex-partner) had a room,” Ben said. “My mom always included my dad for stuff like Christmas or Thanksgiving, especially after my dad broke up with Matt.”

It all feels normal, he said. “I don’t remember my parents being together and don’t remember them divorcing, but having them all together for the holidays is nice. To me it’s just the holidays.”

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

Hillary Gilfand and Shawn Walter

with nephew Javon

Of course not all observers saw the family that way — “I could tell that other people thought it was weird,” Reid said. “Until middle school I didn’t tell anyone about my family, and then I told close friends. In high school and college I started telling everyone. I wasn’t ashamed; I could just tell it was different.”

Eventually Reid figured out something was also “different” about himself. And while it’s reasonable to assume that coming out as gay would be a breeze for a child of lesbian and gay parents, Reid said he went through the same insecurities and delays that other young LGBT people go through gaining confidence in who they are. He took a while to come out to friends, came out to his mom at 16, and to his dad two years later.

“With gay parents you know what to expect as a gay person, but until you come out and experience it personally, you only know so much,” he said. “I knew my parents would accept me, but it was still hard to tell them — my parents didn’t want anything to be harder for their kids like it was harder for them.”

A familyon the frontier Cassidy Sauter, 24, grew up in a home of her two moms, Karla and Tami, and younger sister Katrina, 100 miles north of her current home of Denver in a very different world for LGBT people: Cheyenne, Wyoming. Cassidy was 5 when Tami joined the family, and Cassidy calls her a second mother — to avoid the confusion of living with two women named “mom,” Cassidy grew up referring to her affectionately as “Tu.”

Cover story

Outfrontonline.com

“I don’t remember a time Tu wasn’t with us,” Sauter said. “I talk to her more often than I talk to my other parents, and I’m really close to her extended family. I don’t know what it would have been like with a dad there, but it would have been different.”

Yet after Sauter came of age, she, like Reid, took time to sort out her own identity and come out.

“I had very specific hints all through growing up that I was very attracted to females,” Sauter said, “but chalked it up to being around it all the time — I didn’t think it was really me.”

That finally changed when Sauter was 22 and dated another woman. “My mind was blown,” she said. “It all made sense.”

When Sauter came out to her parents, it turned out that her father, Jeff — who’d had her with him on weekends while she was growing up — had already been considering the possibility.

“He said he already knew I was gay since eighth grade,” Sauter said. “I was concerned he would have thought it was only because of my mom — he’d taken her to court after the divorce saying it was an unfit household.” For the 1990s it wasn’t an unusual kind of custody dispute, but by the time Cassidy was grown it turned out that worrying about someone’s sexual orientation was long in their family’s past.

“My mom was actually surprised,” Sauter said. “And my Tu said, ‘oh, I’ve kinda thought you were gay for a while.’” [ continued on next page ]

Outfrontonline.com

DECEMBER 18, 2013

21

Jacqueline Voigt & Jess Grant with Finnegan and Dash

Andrew Skeels, Alan Blaha and family Photo by Cameron Redwine / cmredwine.com

Cassidy, Karla, Tami ("Tu") and Katrina

[ continued from previous page ] Decades earlier, Tami founded the Montessori school that Cassidy and her sister attended as children — that’s where she and Sauter’s biological mother met, just after the divorce from Sauter’s father.

“The marriage just wasn’t working,” Sauter said, “and they got a divorce, and when (my mom) met Tu I guess she realized the reason why she wasn’t happy. I think she couldn’t put a finger on it until she met Tu.” But growing up as a child in a same-sex parented household — with two moms attending parent-teacher conferences or escorting the kids to community events — still isn’t easy in the small, conservative city of Cheyenne.

“I really liked it at home. It was very open, very comfortable and very close,” Sauter said.

“Outside, it was hard. I got made fun of a lot and I would take it more personally than my sister.”

Sauter’s sister Katrina is a natural LGBT advocate; “she’s 110 percent a gay rights activist,” Sauter said. “When she meets people she finds out in the first 10 minutes their thoughts on gay people deciding if she should keep talking to them.”

But when Katrina’s junior high school classmates began circulating text messages about her moms, it was Tu who took up the fiercest banner for the family.

“The text messages were saying ‘send this to 10 people’ and saying Katrina was gay because she had gay moms,” Sauter said. “It went around the whole school. It was Tu who dealt with that

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

— she just marched into the school and ripped the principal a new one. She’s more of the protector.

If someone was in trouble or needed to call the school, it was always Tu.” At the time of the text message incident, Sauter’s moms and sister had just moved to Fargo, North Dakota, while Sauter stayed with her paternal grandparents so she could stay in her hometown for her senior year in high school.

“I was captain of the swim team, Senior president — a goody two-shoes and didn’t want to leave,” she said. “And it turned out Fargo was even worse than Cheyenne for gay people.”

But despite such challenges, Sauter — now a graduate student in social work at the University of Denver — maintains fond memories growing up in an uncommon family in the rural state of Wyoming.

“Thanksgiving is always the most fun at my moms’ house,” she said. “It’s very non-traditional; we all get to pick our favorite dish, so it’s like mac and cheese with shrimp, and stuff that doesn’t even go together.”

“It’s awesome growing up with two moms,” she said. “Everyone should be so lucky.”

Meanwhile Reid said having so much in common with his parents gives them a special, closer bond. “I felt like my dad could relate a lot

Cover story

easier to my life. He says ‘you know, gay guys can be like this, and this,’ so he does know a lot about the world I live in.”

But what’s it like running across your father (of all people) in a gay bar on what was meant to be a night out with friends?

“It’s never been awkward,” Reid said — he said it happens often, and in another strange connection, Ben’s ex-boyfriend had a roommate who turned out to be acquainted with his dad — just facts of life in a mid-sized city where the bar-going LGBT nightlife is the population of a smaller town.

But he said it’s never bothered him. He said, “Maybe if I ran into him at a strip club or something, that would be weird,” (adding, his dad does go to BoyzTown, but Ben doesn’t, so it “just works out”), but a father and son running into each other at a strip club would be an odd surprise for straight men, too.

Reid said his friends will often say they saw his dad out, and he’ll find time to spend with all his parents — his dad, his mom, his mom’s wife Gayle — each year at (of course) Pride. But in the end, they’re just like any other family.

“I don’t understand why people think being a gay parent is anything different from being a straight parent,” Reid said. “If you want to have kids or adopt, go for it and fuck what other people think. I never felt like I wasn’t loved.”

It's awesome growing up with two moms.

Everyone should be so lucky.

Outfrontonline.com

[ DOWNTOWN ]

LEGAL ALLIES*

Weighing your options: Taking your partner's last name

By Sheila P. Carrigan, Carrigan Law, LLC

[ SOUTH ]

If I enter into a civil union and I want to change my last name to my spouse’s last name, how do I do that?

After your civil union license has been recorded at your local county clerk and recorder’s office, obtain a few certified copies of your union license. Take a certified copy to the driver’s license bureau to obtain a license in your new name and to the local social security office to obtain a new social security card.

Do not forget you will need to change your name with your banks, credit cards, utility bills and all other such entities. You will also need to change your passport. If you are honeymooning immediately after the nuptials you may wish to get your tickets in your preceremony name to be sure your travel plans are not delayed.

What if I want to keep my last name? Or hyphenate it?

If you want to keep your name you don’t need to do anything. Hyphenating it is the same process as changing it.

[ WEST ]

Comprehensive Legal Solutions. Exceptional Personalized Service.

Pearson & Paris P.C. offers solutions that meet the specific needs of individuals and businesses

What if I want to change my children’s last name?

If you already have children you will need to go through a name change process and have birth certificates reissued. If you have children after your civil union you can name your partner as the child’s second parent and give the child either name or a hyphenated last name. If your child does not have a second parent now your partner can adopt via a step-parent adoption after the ceremony.

What else should I know before entering into a civil union and how can a lawyer help my family prepare?

You may want to consider a consultation with a family law or estate planning attorney before you enter the civil union, especially if you have significant assets or either of you have children from previous relationships.

Individuals considering civil union should be aware under the current law, many common provisions that apply to spouses will not apply to parties in a civil union if the unions later dissolve.

For example, dividing retirement and other benefits at the time of divorce cannot be accomplished under federal laws.

Additionally, transfers of property among divorcing spouses is generally a non-taxable event, but because a civil union is not a “marriage,” this IRS provision does not apply to property transfers under a civil union.

Some pitfalls resulting from the intersection of Colorado and federal law may be avoidable through the use of a well-drafted prenuptial agreement that a family lawyer can help you draft. Parties in or contemplating a civil union are well-advised to seek competent counsel before making the leap into or out of a civil union.

[ DENVER ]

[ NORTH ]

The opinions expressed in this article are general in nature. For specific legal advice about your particular situation please contact us or another family law attorney.

303-872-4719 • 888-725-2609 rockymountain-law.com

Client Centered Solution Oriented 1 SPACE REMAINING

303-477-4000 marketing@outfrontonline.com

[ DOWNTOWN ]

Carrigan Law LLC is committed to serving your best interests in all legal matters related to ALL families

5277 Manhattan Circle • Boulder, CO 80303 • Suite 103 (303) 494-5873 • www.carriganlawllc.com Outfrontonline.com

DECEMBER 18, 2013

23

FEATURE

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e 2013: The Year in Review Time flies when you’re having fun!

As another year ends, we at Out Front wanted to take a moment to look back at some of our most memorable images of 2013.

Throughout the past year we’ve covered the passage of civil unions, the continuing fight for marriage equality, the celebration of Pridefest and the plight of a transgender first-grader from Fountain. We’ve said goodbye to familiar faces in our office, bid farewell to community leaders

who’ve moved on and mourned the passing of several friends. We’ve attended numerous fundraisers in support of organizations like the Colorado Gay Rodeo Association, Colorado AIDS Project, the Colorado Firefighter Calendar, the GLBT Community Center of Colorado, the Imperial Court of the Rocky Mountain Empire, the Krewe of Chaos, Project Angel Heart and the Matthew Shepard Foundation. And of course we’ve seen more than a few of you at favored

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THE OUT FRONT ARCHIVES photos by Charles Broshous

events like Amateur Night, Beer Bust, Boots N’ Buzz Cuts, Drag Queen Bingo, Tucked, Wet Wednesday, First Friday, Elevated Saturday and Sunday Funday.

As you can see by the thousands of images in our paper, on our website and on Facebook, we’ve been busy capturing a lot of the action. Thank you for allowing us to share these memories with the community. We look forward to seeing you in 2014. Best wishes in the New Year!

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Denver lesbian couple Fran and Anna Simon steal the show when they kiss during their civil union — Colorado's first – just 2 Mark Ferrandino accepts the Speaker's gavel Jan. 9 after midnight May 1 at Denver's Wellington E. Webb municipal building to become Colorado's first openly-gay Speaker of the House. 3 Protestors celebrate the end of the Defense of Marriage Act June 26, hours after the U.S. Supreme Court abolished the law as unconstitutional. 4 Coy Mathis, the transgender girl whose civil rights dispute set equality protections for transgender students, poses with her father at Out Front's Power Party Oct. 5.

5 Gov. Hickenlooper signs the long-awaited Colorado Civil Union Act into law March 21, surrounded by out LGBT state legislators Rep. Joann

Ginal, Speaker Mark Ferrandino, Rep. Sue Schafer and Sen. Pat Steadman.

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

FEATURE

Outfrontonline.com

Beautiful People of 2013 Over the past year, we’ve come across numerous interesting, compassionate and beautiful people from all walks of life. In fact, photos came in by the hundreds of amazing people who in one way or another have helped to make our community a little more beautiful.

In his book, I Am the Messenger, Markus Zusak wrote, “Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.” In no particular order, here are this year’s 40 beautiful women and 40 handsome men. Selections were limited to and made from photos taken at various events throughout the year.

by Charles Broshous

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1 The Rocky Mountain Regional Rodeo, put on by the Colorado Gay Rodeo Association, takes place July 12 - 14 at the Jefferson County Fairgrounds. 2 Denver PrideFest boasts the largest attendance ever in 2013, with estimates of more than 325,000 participants at the parade and in Civic Center Park June 15 and 16. 3 The national American Veterans for Equal Rights conference took place in Denver Sept. 19-22. An AVER member holds a personal letter from President Barack Obama congratulating the organization. 4 Grand Junction celebrates its first-ever Colorado West Pride celebration on June 11. 5 AIDS Walk raises funds and awareness for the fight against HIV/AIDS with the annual walk and rally Aug. 10. 6 Colorado said goodbye Sept. 24 to Brad Clark, executive director of the prominent advocacy organization One Colorado, after Clark accepted a position with the Human Rights Campaign in Washington D.C.. 7 Community members pose for a picture at the Fifth Annual red Ball Dec. 1, an event to raise awareness on World AIDS Day.

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See more beautiful men & women at ofcnow.co/men2013 & OFCNOW.CO/ WOMEN2013

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7 Outfrontonline.com

FEATURE

DECEMBER 18, 2013

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food for thought

Studying up at La Biblioteca de Tequila

The Melting Pot 2707 W. Main St. Littleton • (303)-794-5666 MeltingPot.com

By Jeffrey Steen

Hamburger Mary’s 700 East 17th Avenue Denver • 303-832-1333 HamburgerMarys.com/denver

Parallel Seventeen 1600 East 17th Ave. Denver • 303-399-0988 ParallelSeventeen.com

DJ’s 9th Avenue Cafe DJ’s 9th Avenue Cafe 865 Lincoln St. Denver • 303-386-3375 DjsCafe.biz

Little Dragon 1305 Krameria Street, G Denver • 303-322-2128 LittleDragonDenver.com

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

Social

t It was Friday around eight o’clock.

The usual crowds huddled in whispered conversation, oil lamps flickering above their heads. In the far corner, I could make out shadows of bookshelves dimly lit, odd tomes docked at random intervals. As I leaned in to study, I caught the flare of lamp light in the brisk outside; beneath it, passersby wearily wandered, weighed down by a long and onerous week.

This is the aptly named Biblioteca — de Tequila. Its studious, unassuming façade is a welcome addition to the restaurant-bar-shopping plaza at the foot of the Millenium Bridge. And yes, while “biblioteca” is used partially in jest, it is also a functional part of the theme here; carefully-crafted library cards are scrawled with each guest’s favorite tequilas, kept safely in a card box where the tequila librarian sits at the front of the restaurant, ushering in tequila and tapas devotees with a near-scholarly appetite for Mexican spirit and cuisine.

But first, the ambience.

An evening at La Biblioteca embraces the perfect blend of relaxation and energy — a space that is quasi-bar, quasi-dining room, quasistudy hall. On the menu, a fusion of Asian and Latin-themed tapas call up memories of La Biblioteca’s former incarnation, al Lado. But here, there is a different intention and unique creativity at play — ceviches tossed in ponzu; rice noodles bedding carnitas; guacamole cozied up to sweet and smoky trout. The list goes on, of course — to sliders and tacos, salads and skewers. But ever in your hand — and mine — will be a tequila, a cocktail, or a house wine.

As my palate meandered through Biblioteca’s to-the-point menu, I labored over the hundreds of tequilas on the libation list — an army of spirits, most of which were foreign to me. Fortunately, the ever-present hospitality team here knows their agave, and is more than happy to guide you to a single sipper or a flight of Outfrontonline.com

previously undiscovered blancos, reposados and añejos. A keen starter for newbies: Distillery 123.

One of the library’s greatest works, however, is its mixed drink program. Now you may recall evenings of poorly-crafted, cheaper-thanFranzia swill from college days that leaned heavily on rot-gut tequila. And for that reason, you may be reticent to give the colorful spirit another go. But let me give you cause to dive back in: sipping the Cucumber Pepino cocktail is a life-changing, almost sexual experience. I, for one, am sick to death of saccharine-sweet bar creations that hide crappy alcohol and leave me doubled-over the next day. Whoever helms the bar at this tequila stop knows how the nuances of the agave spirit work: flavorladen spice from serranos toy with mellow cucumber in a glass teased with citrus.

Now that all might sound a little too adventurous for a first go, but trust me — it’s a temptress that will reel you in for more.

Oh — and lest I forget the final course, you should invest ample study in dessert. It’s a plain-as-pie truth that I devour churros whenever I see them — even when they’re on somebody else’s plate. Here, they are paragons of lacey sweetness, capped with crunch, nestled, of course, in three sumptuous dipping sauces: chocolate ganache, anglaise and berry coulis. For those with more robust appetites at the end of study hour, sink your sweet tooth into the Modern Mexican Bar. What constitutes a Mexican bar, you ask? Suffice it to say it courts chocolate, salt, caramel and peanuts; creaminess, crunch and fluff—all at the same time.

When it finally comes time to close the books and drink menus, consider taking up another library hour for another day — perhaps a study of the various regions of Mexico? Represented, of course, by their best and brightest tequilas, twinkling under brushed bronze library lamps.

Food For Thought is a culinary column by Jeff Steen, Out Front’s food writer. r See more food articles at ofcnow.co/food.

Dont forget Tuesday is $15.00 Liters of House Margarita Gold!

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Take a photo of this ad with your smartphone to receive

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10% OFF

your first purchase!

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

27

High society

JACKIE & ME Nov. 15 - Dec. 22 Curtis & 14th • Denver DenverCenter.org

Everyone loves Tah Tahs Catching up with Colorado’s favorite all-chick rock band Spamalot Nov. 16 - Mar. 1 5501 Arapahoe Ave. • Boulder BouldersDinnerTheatre.com

Colorado Christmas Dec. 20 - 22 • Boettcher Concert Hall 1000 14th St. • Denver ColoradoSymphony.org

ANNIE Nov. 15 - Dec. 29 2450 W Main St. • Littleton TownHallArtsCenter.com

DECEMBER 18, 2013

Powerhouse vocalist Nicole Benton says cardio is a must in gearing up for shows with her band, The Tah Tahs.

The all-female group’s performances are highimpact in both energy and message- these girls take the stage to prove chicks can rock... hard.

Out Front sat down with The Tah Tah’s Nicole Benton (vocals), Monique Guette (guitar), and Jess Marrone (drums) to talk about their forthcoming debut album, bra throwing, and the tour that took them to the US’s “most hardcore bar.”

Let’s kick off with the basics — who are The Tah Tahs and how did the band come together?

Nicole Benton: I formed the band two years ago, and the whole idea was to have women who are really good at what they do come together and make music. I wanted to make my own little super group. I know it’s sad to say, but like the Spice Girls meets rock and roll.

Jess Marrone: I think each of us wanted to be Sporty Spice since 1998.

NB: Crazy Spice! Or Scary Spice! Crazy Scary Spice! (Laughs) Anyway, we used Craig’s List to find everybody for the group, except for the bass player (Forest Lambert) who I knew from my previous band. So, the magic of Craig’s Listbringing musicians together.

JM: It’s for more than just finding relationships, it’s for finding bandmates! It’s for more than just finding casual encounter’s, it’s for finding bandmates! It’s for more than just finding your next lawsuit!

Being an all-female rock band is still an anomaly. How do you feel you’ve been received on both a local and national level?

JM: I think it’s played out very well due to the fact that there’s not a lot of chick bands in Denver.

Monique Guette: There’s actually not a lot of chick bands, period. So, we’re kind of unique.

JM: We opened up for Hell’s Belles last New Year’s Eve at the old Grizzly Rock, and I’ve loved

The Nutcracker Nov. 30 - Dec. 28 1278 Lincoln St www.coloradoballet.org

28

by Kristin Ziegler

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them for years and always looked up to them, but besides them, what bands actually tour through Denver who are all-female? Not a lot. We are trying to fill in that gap.

MG: I think there’s a general opinion that girls don’t play rock and can’t play their own instruments, and we know that’s not true at all because we play rock. And we play rock well. A lot of people are surprised when they see us because they think, “Who are these girls? There’s a band named after boobs here.”

JM: We do pretty much just talk about boobs all day. Before the show we talk about boobs, on our breaks we talk about boobs — that’s what we do. But we play music, too!

MG: You know, we have topless practices.

We’re just really trying to empower young women... through boobs.

JM: That’s why we welcome bras being thrown at us. I collect them and put them on my drum set.

How many bras have you acquired this way?

JM: I have nine.

So, are all of you some variation of “LBQ” identified? And has this added an extra layer to your experiences as artists?

MG: I think the “Q factor” in this band has let us into the gay community because we are, in some form or another, part of it already. And the gay community has given us opportunities to play PrideFest in Denver — where we opened up for Taylor Dayne, which was just an amazing experience; we headlined Colorado Springs Pride; and we headlined Boulder Pride at Boulder Theatre, which was another incredible experience!

We are super grateful to the gay community for pushing us out there and being so supportive.

Though The Tah Tahs rose up as a cover band, you gals are working on your debut EP. Was original material always the end goal or did something else provoke this transition?

NB: Yes, definitely! Being a cover band gave us a way to have a little bit of an income. Now we

will be able to record an EP. Since we have a little bit of savings, we can take the time to go in a write, look for producers, find that right song. So there is a shift — we’ll do some original shows, and we’ll still do some cover shows.

What influences will we hear on the album?

NB: Right now we are really exploring our sound and trying to find what defines us as a group.

That’s an ongoing process.

MG: Everyone is bringing their own personal experience...

JM: ...that’s why we’re like a supergroup. I grew up with punk and ska.

MG: Metal.

NB: I’m pop, rock, jazz, and musical theater.

JM: Exactly. We’re a Colorado supergroup, bringing rock to the sunshine state.

As mentioned, The Tah Tahs have opened for Taylor Dayne and Hell’s Belles. If you could perform with any artist, who would it be?

MG: Billy Corgan.

NB: Pink.

JM: No Doubt.

You gals took to KickStarter early this year to raise funds for your spring 2013 tour. You made your goals, with a few bucks to spare.

How has KickStarter changed the landscape for independent artists like yourselves?

NB: It’s been great as far as funding albums without having to rely record labels. It creates so many opportunities. We wouldn’t have been able to go on tour if it wasn’t for KickStarter.

And how did that tour go?

JM: Oh, please let me start! To set the scene — Salt Lake City, on a weeknight, the scariest metal bar ever. Everyone had Anthrax [popular 80s band] goatees, some had

implanted horns, and jackets with metal studs.

MG: This place was really hardcore, and I was wearing this white jacket with a gigantic unicorn with a rainbow on it, and I thought, “I just need to rock this like I know what I’m doing.” I felt at home when they played Metallica, but they changed it two minutes later.

Metallica isn’t hardcore enough for that bar. Metallica was like Britney Spears.

JM: We start playing for these metal heads. One guy is in a wolf mask and everyone is in Doc Martens looking like they want to beat the sh*t out of us. We start playing, and everyone is totally into it.

We played the best show for the best crowd in Salt Lake City at this scary metal bar. They just needed a wholesome chick band from Denver to hit the scene and give ‘em a does of girl rock.

You know you want to...

Finally, best place to catch or play a show in Denver? Go— MG: I love The Ogden.

JM: The Marquis is the best.

NB: I’m going to go Bluebird.

MG: Red Rocks. Every time you go it’s an incredible experience, not just a concert. And Blush. Blush and Blu has been super generous to us.

JM: Okay, yeah, Blush is our favorite place to play. Hands down. Duh.

Coming January 2014

Thanks so much, ladies! Is there anything else you’d like to share with readers?

JM: We would like to cordially invite every guy and gal in Denver to come out and have some fun with us. And throw bras all over the venue. Just come get down and dirty with The Tah Tahs! r For more information on The Tah Tahs, check out their website at thetahtahs.com or ‘like’ them on Facebook (facebook.com/TheTahTahs).

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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Cafe vivid

COMING EVENTS DEC

DEC 18 –

18-28

JAN 25

The Travesty of Lear @ The Betsy Stage, 1133 South Huron St. Thurs, Fri & Sat at 8 p.m. // SUN AT 2 p.m.

An original adaptation of Shakespeare’s Tragedy of King Lear set in the Wild West. Lear, a saloon owner, puts his three favorite prostitutes to the test as he divides his kingdom. Designed to surprise and amuse audiences. All performances are FREE, donations are accepted. Seating is limited – reservations required. No performances Dec. 26–29. r more info online at ofcnow.co/e5E

The Nutcracker @ Ellie Caulkins Opera House 1101 13th Street Tchaikovsky’s classic tale intertwining snowflakes, sugarplums, a many headed mouse king, and spectacular dance moves has come to Denver once again. Bring the whole family to Colorado’s favorite holiday tradition.

DEC

20

Vivienne VaVoom's XXXmas Craft Fair

Fri

@ The Denver Museum of Contemporary Art 1485 Delgany St. • 7 to 9 p.m.

r more info online at ofcnow.co/jZj

Gay Women’s Winter Solstice Ceremonial Gathering

Make pasties with Vivienne VaVoom and decorate erotic holiday cookies. Keep the X in Xmas! Admission $5! r more info online at ofcnow.co/qXQ

DEC

20 Fri

Women exploring the world of metaphysics and spirituality: Set an intention or wish for yourselves and the planet during the winter solstice and introduce yourself to the new group of light women (please bring a candle in a container).

Reeewind &Roll Winter Wonderland Party @ TRACKS/EXDO 3500 WALNUT St. • 9 p.m. – 2 A.M. What could be better than an ugly Christmas Sweater contest?

Only a 90s roller-skating party component! Prizes given out for best ugly xmas sweater, nostalgia given out for roller-skating. $10 cover at the door, $5 presale r more info online at ofcnow.co/qXQ

r more info online at ofcnow.co/cAR

Santa Needs 21 & 28 a Holiday DEC

@ Heritage Square Music Hall Children's Theatre 18301 West Colfax Avenue Golden, CO • 1:30 p.m.

It’s Christmas and Santa is not his jolly old self.

He thinks that nobody needs him anymore, and decides to cancel the holiday festivities.

So Mrs. Claus, with the help of the elves and the children in the audience, show Santa how very much we all need him to make it a very merry Christmas after all. Tickets $8.

FIND MORE Find more upcoming Colorado events or add your own online at ofcnow.co/cal 30

DECEMBER 18, 2013

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DEC

31

NEW YEAR'S EVE

Tue

JAN

New Year's Eve Fireworks

12–19

@ Aspen, Colorado

@ 16th Street Mall • 9 p.m. & midnight

Get ready for a great New Year's Eve in Denver, with spectacular fireworks, live music, rockin' parties, family friendly events and more. r more info online at ofcnow.co/nye

White Rose Gala

@ The Hyatt Regency Denver Tech Center 800 East Tufts Avenue • 9 p.m. – 2 a.m.

Slip back in time to the roaring 20’s and hang out with Louise Brooks and Fred Astaire this NYE. Flappers, Ballroom dancing, huge venues and heaps of décor await at this years White Rose Gala. All proceeds benefit the Women’s Global Empowerment Fund.

Aspen Gay Ski Week

Aspen Gay Ski Week, the nation’s largest and oldest gay ski event, returns for its 37th year with a full lineup of skiing, parties, fitness classes, shows and more every night of the week — seven days of festivities just a threeand-a-half hour drive from Denver. Proceeds from Ski Week benefit Roaring Fork Gay and Lesbian Community Fund. r more info online at ofcnow.co/aspen2014

SUN Opening Party @ Hotel Jerome

r more info online at ofcnow.co/XGw

[ BAR TAB ]

MON LATE NIGHT RETRO DANCE PARTY @ ESCOBAR

AQUA LOUNGE | 1417 Krameria | ofcnow.co/AQUA NEW YEAR'S BLAST // Great drink specials, darts, DJs & fun!

BARKER LOUNGE | 475 Santa Fe Drive | ofcnow.co/BARKER 70s DISCO DANCE PARTY // DJ Randall, no cover, complementary hors d'oeuvres, balloon drop with prices & champagne toast at midnight.

BLACK CROWN | 1446 S. Broadway | ofcnow.co/BLACKCROWN NEW YEAR'S ELEGANCE // Come celebrate in our intimate piano lounge!

TU E

BLUSH & BLU | 1526 E. Colfax AVE | ofcnow.co/blushblu Great Gatsby Party // 7 p.m. – 2 a.m. // A lavish evening with DJ Jody B, ball drop & champagne toast at midnight. VIP Pass available.

FILM NIGHT GALA PARTY @ 39 DEGREES

BOYZTOWN | 117 Broadway | ofcnow.co/BOYZTOWN NEW YEARZ EVE BASH // 10 p.m. // Denver's hottest male revue.

3 balloon drops, prizes, free champagne toast

WED

BROADWAYS | 1027 Broadway | ofcnow.co/broadways NYE 2014 OUTRAGEOUS PARTY // 9 p.m. // Come and party at YOUR Neighborhood Bar! Lots of fun with prizes, free shots, free champagne toast, and great drink specials all night with NO COVER.

HRC BENEFIT COUNTRY DANCE PARTY

CHARLIE's | 900 E. Colfax AVE | ofcnow.co/CHARLIES MASQUERADE BALL // Dress to impress! Drink specials all night. Food, champagne toast and no cover. Good luck brunch New Year's Day.

THU

COMPOUND BASIX | 145 Broadway | ofcnow.co/COMPOUND LOVE THE LIGHT 2014 // 9 p.m. // Blacklight party. Paint and glow attire provided!

Free NYE shot at midnight. No cover.

COMEDY NIGHT FEATURING MARIO CANTONE

EAGLE | 1475 36th Street | ofcnow.co/eagle UV BLACK LIGHT UNDERWEAR PARTY // With DJ Dontron

FRI

Hamburger mary's | 700 E 17th Ave. | ofcnow.co/MARYS ANGELS & DEVILS PARTY // 9 p.m. // DJs and dancing. $10 Heaven pass includes admission, first drink free, party favors & champagne toast.

RED PARTY WITH DJ DYLAN

LI'L DEVILS | 255 South Broadway | ofcnow.co/DEVILS Bring your Inner “Li’l Devil” and leave the rest to us.

Light appetizers and NO COVER. You can’t be good ALL the time!

SAT

TRACKS | 3500 Walnut St. | ofcnow.co/TRACKS DRAG NATION // 9 p.m. // Michelle Visage, Latrice Royale & Pandora Boxx. $5.50 Absolut all night. Presale ticket includes VIP meet & greet.

"ALL FOR LOVE" GROUP CIVIL UNION CEREMONY GAYWATCH POOL PARTY

WRANGLER | 1700 Logan StREET | ofcnow.co/WRANGLER RISE OF THE OTTER // 10 p.m. // DJ Craig C & DJ Brent, no cover, Prizes and raffles.

X BAR | 629 E. COLFAX AVE | ofcnow.co/xbar THE PLACE TO BE ON NYE // $10 presale tickets include a free drink, free coat check and front of the line. $100 Belvedere bottle service.

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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WEEKLY SPECIALS FROM OUT FRONT’S LGBT-inclusive bar partners.

Aqua Lounge

Charlie’s

Tuesdays

DAILY BEER SPECIAL

Mile Hi Bullseye Dart League.

Open play and free darts at 10 p.m., league play at 7 p.m.

$4 for a 32 oz. domestic pitcher and $8 for a premium pitcher

Facebook.com/Aqua.Denver

Wednesdays

Wet Wednesday Dance party with DJ Tatiana and GoGo Dancers; 75 cent beers, $2 wells, $4 Absolut.

Thursdays

Karaoke hosted by Dave Myers at 8 p.m.; half-price bar from 8-9 p.m.

Black Crown

e Pre-Thanksgiving at Aqua Lounge

CharliesDenver.com

Thursdays: 1/2 price night FRIDAYS:

$10 Buddy Beer Bust, 5 p.m. $3 Absolut, 9 p.m.

Saturdays: $5 Beer Bust, 2 p.m.

SUNDAYs: Drag show, 9 p.m.

El Potrero

Facebook.com/el.potrero.180 DRAG WEDNESDAYS: NO COVER

DAILY HAPPY HOUR

2-for-1 beers, $3 rum, and vodka specials, $2 drafts

4 p.m. – 6 p.m.

GO-GO Fridays: NO COVER

BlackCrownLounge.com

MONdays

1/2 price select bottles of wine SUNdays Martinis & Misbehavin’ with Cora Vette and $8 Kettle One martinis

Blush & Blu

BlushBluBar.com DAILY HAPPY HOUR

$3 wells, vino, domestics, lattes; $1.50 PBR’s; $4 shots of Fireball 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.

FRIdays

Karaoke at 9 p.m.

SUNdays Molly’s famous $4 Bloodys

$2 rum and vodka specials, $2 drafts, $5 Jose Cuervo, $15 beer buckets and $5 Jager shots

HAMBURGER MARY’s

HamburgerMarys.com/denver Hours of Operation

11 a.m. to 2 a.m., Thursday through Saturday.

Visit website for specials

Li’l Devils

LilDevilsLounge.com WEDNESDAYS

$4 22-ounce tanks of your choice.

SUNDAYS: TRIVIA NIGHT

BoyzTown

Compete for free drinks and bar tabs, starting at 7:30 p.m., $3 Smirnoff.

HAPPY HOUR

Pirates Cove • Pueblo

BoyzTownDenver.com Monday-Thursday: 3 – 8 p.m.

U CALLS

Monday–Thursday: Absolut $4.50 Friday & Sunday: Stoli $4.50 Friday–Sunday: 3Olives $4.50

BROADWAYS

BroadwaysDenver.com HAPPY HOUR

Mon – Fri: 2pm – 9pm Sat & Sun: 12pm – 9pm $2.25 Wells | $2.00 Domestic Drafts | $3.75 Svedka Flavors & Domestic Mini Pitchers CUSTOMER APPRECIATION NIGHT

Mondays at 9pm

CLUB Q • COLO. SPRINGS ClubQOnline.com

Compound Basix CompoundDenver.com DAILY HAPPY HOURS

7 - 10 a.m. & 5 - 8 p.m. $2.50 wells, $3 domestic longnecks, $2 off calls

Facebook.com/ piratescoveeventspage

Tracks

TracksDenver.com SUPERSTAR THURSDAYS

18 + dance party Cover: 18-20 $10, 21+ $5 after 10 p.m.

ELEVATED SATURDAYS

2-for-1 drinks between 9 – 10 p.m.

No cover before 10 p.m.

Wrangler

DenverWrangler.com WEDNESDAYS: TRIVIA NIGHT

Geeks who Drink Pub Trivia 8 p.m. $2 house vodka, Bud & Coors pints SATURDAYS

$3 Svedka // 2nd Saturday SWEET 5th Saturday RETRO SWEET! SUNDAYS: BEER BUST

$8 Legendary Beer Bust (4-8 p.m.)

X Bar

XBarDenver.com

FRIDAY & SATURDAY DANCE PARTIES

Monday–Saturday

$2 Well Vodka & $3 Svedka

BOGO happy hour: 3 p.m. – 6 p.m.

BEER BUSTS

Sunday

Saturdays, 6 – 10 p.m., $8.

$5 lemonade buckets all day

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

AQUA LOUNGE

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For twitter uPdates and interactive map go to ofcnow.co/btab

4501 E Virginia Ave Denver, Colorado 80246 • (303) 388-8889 www.facebook.com/elpotreroclub

th S t.

P

ar

ve

nu

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W es

J

C. BLUSH & BLU

J. LI’L DEVILS

D. BOYZTOWN

K. TRACKS

1446 S. Broadway Denver, CO 80210 720.353.4701

L. WRANGLER

F. CHARLIES G. COMPOUND BASIX

Monaco Pkwy.

W Byers Pl.

I. HAMBURGER MARY’S

Krameria St.

D

Broadway

G

B. BLACK CROWN

Colorado Blvd.

Colfax Ave. E. 11th Ave. E. 10th Ave.

H. EL POTRERO

Humboldt St.

I

t

Downing St.

Logan St.

E. 17th Ave.

L

A

Emerson St.

E. 18th Ave.

A. AQUA LOUNGE

E. BROADWAYS k

Washington St.

Broadway

E. 20th Ave.

Downing St.

K

35

. t St lnu a W

700 E 17th Ave Denver, CO 80203 (303) 832-1333

Colfax Ave.

C

A

E 14th Ave.

H

E. 2nd Ave. E. 1st Ave.

Alameda Ave.

B

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

33

RADIOACTIVE VISION

Leave Miley alone!

Five things that pissed me off in 2013 Before I get started, you must know that it takes a lot to get me angry.

For the most part, I am an even-keeled gal.

It takes a lot to ruffle my feather boa. I rarely hold a grudge but when I do, it’s probably because you tossed a full cocktail into my wig. If there Nuclia Waste is one thing you should know about drag queens, it’s that you should never EVER mess with their hair. That hair is the holiest of the holies, a temple of tease set atop Mt. Olympus, a coiffed castle where Queen Aquanet lords over her loyal subjects, Beehive and Bouffant. Don’t touch that hair, poke that hair, or, goddess forbid, yank that hair off a drag queen’s head. There are those who have been foolish enough to go there and they would also give you the same advice…if only they were still alive to do so.

Wig smacking, however, did not make my list this year. Here is what did:

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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5. The Winter Olympics beinG held in Sochi On June 30th, Vladimir Putin signed into law a bill banning the “propaganda of nontraditional sexual relations to minors.” This pretty much shuts down any gay rights demonstrations and parades, imposing steep fines not only on Russian GLBT citizens, but also fines on foreign visitors, who can also be detained and deported.

Putin can suck my big hairy middle nipple.

4. THE WESTERN BLACK RHINO GOING EXTINCT Technically it didn’t happen this year. After no signs of them in the past 10 years, the International Union for Conservation of Nature in November declared them “officially, undeniably and reliably dead.” In their memory, hug an elephant — before they’re gone too.

3. Senator Ted Cruz reading Dr. Seuss I love me some Dr. Seuss. How could you not love someone who wrote, “When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and

Outfrontonline.com

the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.” But when a Tea Party Republican uses the words of a creative genius to filibuster funding for Obamacare, all I can say is “I do not like him in a box. I do not like him with a fox. I do not like him in the House. I do not like him, he's a louse.”

2. Sarah Palin getting airtime.

This woman is not just an idiot. She takes idiot, multiplies it by lunatic, adds a heaping pile of dumbass and subtracts any thread of human dignity. I did the math, and she comes out a big zero.

1. People whining about Miley Cyrus People whining about Miley Cyrus. She came, she twerked, she came…all over Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit. I just hope he was able to get the stain out. She’s a mess. Aren’t we all? Welcome to the club, Miley.

Nuclia Waste, the triple-nipple drag queen of comedy, is Out Front’s radioactive cultural columnist. r See more columns at ofcnow.co/nuclia or contact her through her website at NucliaWaste.com.

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

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on the scene

e Red Ball BOULDER THEATER x

Dec. 1

x

photos by Charles Broshous

The 5th Annual Red Ball was held at the Exdo Event Center on December 1. Dozens of designers, make up artists, hair stylists and models came together to help raise money for the Denver Colorado AIDS Project. In addition to the runway show, the evening featured hors d’oeuvres, a fire dancer, an aerial fabric acrobat, DJ Rockstar Aaron and a silent auction. Auction items included autographed memorabilia from Madonna, Elton John, Mariah Carey and Johnny Depp. This year’s event was hosted by FOX 31 Denver Investigative Reporter Tak Landrock and Miss Colorado USA 2012 Marybel Gonzales. r See more photos online at ofcnow.co/qtw

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on the scene

e Warming up for the holidays at BoyzTown BOYZTOWN x

Nov. 30

x

photos by Charles Broshous

The halls are decked for the holidays at BoyzTown! A full house crowded the main bar on November 30 to ring in the holiday season with Denver’s hottest male review. The boys take the stage every Tuesday through Sunday from 10P.M. until 1:45A.M. r See more photos online at ofcnow.co/kPg

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

37

Interview

Stuart Milk, nephew of Harvey Milk: ‘There is no non-important role’

By Paul Collanton I met Stuart Milk — nephew of iconic gay civil rights leader Harvey Milk — at the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund conference in Denver where he’d just finished an inspiring speech. Stuart Milk is a global LGBT human rights activist and co-founder of the Harvey Milk Foundation, carrying on his uncle’s legacy, not just in name but in his personal message as well.

He agreed to an interview, where he spoke about being inspired by young people, and how change is not driven by just a few inspiring leaders but — as Harvey Milk himself believed — by everyone being included and working from the ground up.

everyone together and celebrate the diversity of the community. In terms of core work, it’s really education. Globally, we go usually where no one else will go. We’re usually the call that someone makes after they’ve gotten two or three no’s from other organizations and we don’t say no. We usually go when other people can’t.

What can an individual person do to make a difference in her or his What are some of the successes you have seen community?

The most important and some of the areas for improvement around thing, which is my uncle’s the world?

This has been an amazing five years…not message, is to allow auonly successes here in the U.S. but in Argentina thenticity. This is at the and Spain and many places where we have now family level, so if you movement toward full equality…because young know someone who is struggling that is differpeople demanded marriage.

The older activists, like myself, were stuck ent, whether they’re LGBT on, We haven’t passed employment nondiscrimi- or believe in a different nation, which my uncle was fighting for 35 religious philosophy or years ago, and we haven’t passed discrimina- want to go into animal tion in housing. It’s still legal in the majority of rights — whatever their states to fire someone or deny someone housing passion and purpose is in simply because they’re gay. And we have some their life, it’s about supporting them. And then states like New Hampshire where you could get to take that to the community level and to the married and put your same-sex partner’s picture company level to the corporate community and on your desk, and the employer can come in and then taking that further into just being out.

LGBT people…have the option of denying who say, “Did you marry your same-sex partner? Oh they are. I’ll be on plane rides and people will that’s nice, but you’re fired.” And that’s legal.

What (focusing on marriage instead) did was say — even if they know who I am and who I repput the bar high enough that it went right to resent — they won’t make the connection that Harvey could have a the core of the issue gay nephew. They’ll that (LGBT equality) say, “What does is a celebration, not I believe my uncle’s your wife do?” And something to be ‘tolfootsteps are big enough there’s a split second erated.’ One of the for us all to fit into. I believe that we all have (to things that the Milk ask ourselves): “is it Foundation doesn’t in a collective legacy. easier just to ignore do is talk about ‘tolerthe question or not ance.’ Young people demanded marriage equality, which is a celebra- answer it?” Or do you say, “I’m no longer with tion, and it means understanding and full par- my husband.” Do you say something or do you ticipation. It doesn’t mean ‘tolerating’ something let it go? The key is not letting it go — not putting on that mask even for a second. That is really the that you don’t like.

Unfortunately, the majority of the world’s thing that changes the world. population today, almost two thirds, live in a country where it’s either illegal or where societal What advice would you give to somebody non-acceptance is beyond high. We may feel trying to make it in today’s climate? They have that we’ve moved really ahead but globally we a dream, they have a vision for themselves, they want to improve their community. haven’t. We have a lot of work to do.

Don’t put on a mask. Be authentic. Be yourself.

What are some of the initiatives your organiza- Support other people who are doing the same.

My uncle had this amazing gift. If he walked tion is focused on?

We don’t do much domestically other than into a room — and I didn’t just see this in terms Harvey Milk Day and building collaborations of his public side; (even) in his family side — if he and coalitions on that day…where you bring walked into a family gathering I would find him 38

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finding the person who felt the least included. It had nothing to do with sexual orientation — he just felt whether they were an older eccentric member of the family or my maternal side of the family which he wasn’t related to, he would go up to them and engage them and include them. He believed our differences were a strength and not a weakness. He always engaged those that felt not included and he did that also in running for public office. He would go to everyone.

Whether you are a young person in high school or college or middle school watching this, find someone who’s not being included. Reach out to them. You’ll find maybe that medicine will heal your own life.

It’s not just life-affirming to the person you’re reaching out to, it’s life-affirming to yourself and the whole community.

What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?

I don’t have a legacy dream for myself.

Everyone has a legacy dream.

No, I don’t. I believe my uncle’s footsteps are big enough for us all to fit into. I believe in a collective legacy. I told the story which I love, at this conference, of a real idol of mine from going to Africa in 1985 and hearing Lilla Watson, this Aboriginal leader, get up at this conference and say to people, “If you’re here to help me, if you’ve come here for that, then we have nothing to talk about. Go home.” (There were) 12,000 people in the room and you could hear a pin drop — they weren’t expecting that. And then she followed up with, “but if you understand that your liberation is tied to mine, then let us work together.”

We all have a role to play and there is no nonimportant role. If it’s just the work you are doing with your family of inclusion or you’re doing it in your business or you’re doing something as important as a blog and spreading things much much larger — each piece is important. I believe we share a collective legacy. I’m hoping that people will look back at this point of time of humanity and say, “Wow, all of those people on the planet moved the human race forward.” r Read the full article at ofcnow.co/stuartmilk

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URBANISM

Urbanism 101: The benefits (and drawbacks) of one-way city streets

By Ken Schroeppel What do you think of one-way streets? You’ve probably never put much thought into the question before — aside from maybe some mild annoyance driving all the way around a block to get somewhere a few feet away up a one-way street — and that’s OK. The virtue of one-way streets may not be the most pressing issue facing society. But these are the kinds of questions that get urban planners going, and they make a significant, if subtle, difference in how we work and live in the city every day.

What are the benefits of one-way streets? One-way streets can improve the flow of motor vehicle traffic throughout an urban area. We often see one-way streets used in denser urban areas where there isn’t enough room to accommodate a major two-way street. Good examples in Denver would include the one-way pairs of 18th and 19th streets in Downtown Denver, and 13th and 14th avenues in central Denver. In cases like these, there’s insufficient right-of-way width to put in a six- or eight-lane two-way street (like Colorado Boulevard) so, instead, these one-way streets with three or four lanes each work together as a pair to create, in effect, a six- or eightlane two-way street separated a block apart.

These one-way street pairings help motorists move more quickly from Point A to Point B. Have you ever noticed that when you’re driving on a one-way you feel empowered to drive a bit faster? By their design, one-way streets exclude oncoming traffic, which reduces potential danger or delay from cars turning left in front of you. Everyone is going the same direction as you are, so it feels safer and therefore you feel comfortable driving faster.

So what’s the downside? The answer was already mentioned in the paragraph above: people driving their vehicles faster in urban areas. If you’re not in one of those fast-moving vehicles — a pedestrian or bicyclist — those

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cars whizzing past you at a speedy clip pose a danger to your personal safety. Those drivers are too busy making good time on their quick journeys across the neighborhood to pay much attention to non-motorists. In areas where pedestrians and bicyclists abound, one-way streets are often a major hindrance to everyone other than motorists.

One-way streets were all the rage back in the mid- and late-20th century.

Dozens of two-way streets in Denver’s urban core were converted to oneways, giving us a confusing maze of one-way streets intersecting with other one-way streets that baffle all but the most experienced Downtown drivers and make it difficult for bicyclists and pedestrians to cross a street that doesn’t feel like a major highway. Fortunately, Denver is now on a path towards converting some of Downtown’s one-way streets back to two-ways to improve the safety and ambiance for those outside the comfort of a two-ton mobile metal machine. Wazee Street and Glenarm Place are recent one-way-to-two-way conversion examples, and more are to come.

East 19th and 20th Avenues between Lincoln Street and Park Avenue, 18th Street between Wynkoop and Blake, and stretches of Welton and Curtis streets are currently being evaluated for conversion to two-way streets.

Even more streets in the Downtown area are likely to be studied in the near future for conversion to two-way status.

Two-way streets slow drivers down, given the increased complexity of the surrounding traffic flow. Slower traffic means a safer environment for pedestrians and bicyclists (and even motorists), which is paramount in an urban area, even if it means that it might take motorists a few extra minutes to get across town.

Ken Schroeppel is a Denver urban planner and the founder of denverinfill. com, a website and blog that reports on Denver construction projects and urban development. Ken also teaches urban and regional planning at the University of Colorado at Denver.

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I’ve got fears, and then I have irrational, eccentric-andnot-in-a-good-way fears. Alligators fall into the first category.

Losing my hair fits in nicely with the second.

For some reason, my pulse quickens with every strand of hair loss to the brush or down the shower drain. I have stress dreams of waking up with chunks of my mane missing, and I avoid the hairdresser until my hair is a ratted mess.

While around half of women over the age of 50 are subject to thinning hair due to a decrease of estrogen, grand losses of chunks of hair are uncommon. So why do I involuntarily shudder every time I see a shiny, bald dome on a man?

It’s someting that I find I can’t shake, no matter how invalid and rude it may be.

Perhaps I can attribute some of this fear to my ever-increasing awareness of my age. As addressed in one of my earlier columns, I spotted my first grey hair when I was 14. But this premature strand of silver gave me another warped perception into aging locks — I never have, and never will associate grey hair with age, only with teenage worries like summer camp and crushes. Because my first grey hair carries connotations of teenage angst, I have replaced my grey-haired aging worries with worries of hair loss, no matter how impossible they may be.

Trying to dispel my bald-

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head overreaction, I’ve tried to bring the laissez-faire attitude I’ve managed to have toward greying hair and attach it to hair loss. Scrutinizing pictures of bad comb-overs and Charles Xavier, I’ve realized that I’ve been approaching it all wrong. I’ve been approaching the hype and concerns around aging — that obscure and vindictive term — all wrong.

What if we adapted this greyhair acceptance towards all mature features that appear as our age ticks upwards? Instead of fighting the silver and receding hairlines, we looked at these attributes as badges of honor — that we’ve made it through life with a trove of wisdom, experience, and maturity.

While tight skin and shiny locks are desirable to all, what if society put these characteristics second to features that hint at the wisdom behind them?

I’m slowly starting to realize that my fear of losing my hair is irrational in more ways than one.

These aging qualities come with so much more than their physical tolls — they come with a life lived and experiences had. And how can I ever be afraid of that?

Kelsey Lindsey is Out Front’s beauty columnist writing from an affirming perspective on being your best you. r See more beauty columns at ofcnow.co/beauty or contact Kelsey at kelsey.a.lindsey@gmail.com.

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FAITH & SPIRIT

A minister’s confessions through coming out Discovering that clergy aren’t exempt from being human

By Brian Henderson My coming out journey, like anyone’s, is a continuing process. At one level so many of us share similar stories, experiences and emotions, and I know mine isn’t unique. But as I’ve walked out of the proverbial closet, I’ve stepped into realities that have made my journey a humbling one.

The initial sense of “freedom, finally” has passed and I now find myself discovering the ongoing steps of what it means to be who I am: A man who is gay. A man who was once a husband. A man who is a father. A man who is a son, grandson and sibling. A man who is as human as you. A man who is clergy.

It’s this last role and sense of identity that has been an immense challenge.

Like any person who comes out, like many men who have walked this daunting and delicate labyrinth of humanity, I’ve made my share of mistakes — at least as I perceive them to be, and as my moral upbringing would cause me to believe they’ve been.

But, honestly, in some ways, like a teenager who is exploring her or his adolescent, emotional, and sexual rollercoaster of feelings, I too — even as a member of the clergy who suppressed for many, many years my own sexual identity — have experienced the need to explore a known but disregarded frontier of my humanity.

Some of this frontier has been amazingly wonderful and affirming, and some of it has left me wondering, “What am I doing?” “Why did I do that?” “How could I have allowed myself to be so drunk?”

This isn’t what people expect from clergy, “Is it?” “This isn’t how clergy are to be, right?”

“Aren’t clergy to be forever an example of moral and ethical fortitude that should cause others to feel guilty and self-conscious of their own human needs, desires, and dreams?”

Consciously or subconsciously, this is what I learned, or at least allowed myself to believe for too many years. I lived in a dream world of what I thought should be as close to perfection as possible. I wanted people — family, friends, seminarians, colleagues and congregants — to believe I had it all together. I put pressure on myself because I didn’t want anyone to know what really stirred inside me. I kept my sexual identity a secret as long as I could until I could no longer stand the pressure or live the facade.

Times may be changing, but I’m just old enough to have been cut from the seminary cloth that reinforced the notion that clergy really do live on pedestals, not just glass houses.

Members of the clergy were expected to be model, superhuman individuals who can allow others to imagine themselves being better than they think they really are.

In truth, clergy, like any other people, are folk who must find their way in life. Folk who must walk that daunting and delicate labyrinth of humanity. Clergy, like any other people, are 44

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not exempt from being the fully sexual humans they are. Though we may like to be the person behind the curtain like the Wizard of Oz, and though we may not want folk to believe we really are humans with questions about faith and life, clergy are as human and real as every human is — complete with hopes and dreams and fears and doubts.

There are no exceptions.

Early on, while I was attempting to stay behind that wizardly curtain, when I was trying to be a clergy-person who is more than human, one of my therapists simply said, “Brian, face it, you’re human. How does it feel?”

My therapist was right. I didn’t want to accept the fact that my mind, heart, and being had all kinds of feelings, emotions, dreams, disappointments, regrets, and fantasies that didn’t meet the expectations of what folk “thought” clergy should have. I was to be different. I was to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I was to be, in a god-like way, what others thought they could not be. These are the myths I allowed myself to believe.

I confess: part of my coming out journey has been a story of what it is to be human — of what it’s like to be human and gay and filled with human needs, desires, faults, and hopes. To live with the dream of finding a male partner with whom to spend my days and the heartache too that comes when Mr. Right isn’t Mr. Right.

I recently shared some of my journey with a congregation in a homily. I said that one of the shortest words I ever had to spell out seemed like one of the longest words I’d ever written. In writing, I told my therapist that I was g-a-y. Following the homily, I believe a genuinely good, older woman asked me, “What did you say?” “Are you happy or are you a homosexual?”

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With some sympathy for this older woman’s innocence, and yet with some anger, I proudly said, “Yes ma’am, I’m happy and I’m a homosexual.” She was aghast. I felt good.

I was true to myself. And to be true to one’s self may not be what other’s want to hear. But to be true to ourselves is what we must always seek to be if we are to be the humans we are. Daily, I’m still learning to be true to myself. It’s an amazing feeling when I kick back, relax, and let the little hair that I have down. To enjoy some of life’s pleasures. To drink. To enjoy the intimacy and beauty of another. To appreciate the splendor of the mountains. To take a walk in rustling leaves. To serve a faith community and to create community partnerships that allows others to do together what can not be done alone. To be a dad, son, brother and friend. To wrestle with matters of faith, purpose and identity.

As you live life — as you turn the page of one year to another with me, will you allow yourself to be the human you are? Will you grant yourself enough grace to accept your humanity for what it is? And no matter where you are or how you feel, instead of being down on yourself, allow yourself to learn from what you’ve known and experienced. Live life. I’m going to keeping giving it a shot knowing full well there’ll be moments in which it seems that the stars above are in alignment and that in others it may seem those very same stars are spiraling out of control.

Brian Henderson has been an ordained minister with American Baptist Churches, USA, for 14 years. Brian holds a doctoral degree in familysystems theory. He is the lead minister of First Baptist Church of Denver, located at 14th and Grant St., where Sunday services are held each week at 10:30 a.m.

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BIG TOYS

2013 Jaguar XJL

2014 Kia Cadenza 2013 Lexus LS460

Luxury by any other name… still as sweet?

By Jonathan McGrew Our readers already know how diverse the automotive landscape is, especially for someone who has to buy a new (or new to them) vehicle.

The diversity gap among luxury offerings widens constantly.

Case in point: 2014 Kia Cadenza, 2013 Jaguar XJL All-Wheel Drive (AWD) and 2013 Lexus LS460 AWD. What do they have in common? Luxury. What sets them apart from each other is a long list — yet they all provide a luxury- and technology-rich experience. The Kia Cadenza is all new and fresh to the luxury sedan market. It is trying to do for Kia what the Genesis (and now Equus) has done for Hyundai. The big gotcha: price. The Cadenza outfitted with a laundry list of options including adaptive cruise control, panoramic roof, heated steering wheel, heated front and rear seats and Nappa leather seating trim tips the scales at an astested price of $42K. It is also the most economical of this group at 19/28/22 mpg city/hwy/combined. Why do you buy the 2014 Kia Cadenza? You want a forward-looking vehicle design (check out the ice-like LED positioning lights front and rear) and a lot of value for your money. It says smart luxury for the money conscious buyer — in fact it is as close to the original LS400 formula as you can get.

The Jaguar XJL and the Lexus LS460 AWD? They will lighten your wallet to the tune of about $86K and $82K respectively.

I understand if you are rolling your eyes. I get that for most people the Jaguar is way outside the box compared to the

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Cadenza and the flagship Lexus LS460. However, the irony is that even the Lexus and the Jaguar are very different from each other. The Lexus is understated, tasteful, with seats you sink into for a soft and very quiet ride. The performance is similar to the Jaguar and Cadenza with a 0-60 time of just six seconds, but it is the least fuel efficient at 16/23/18 mpg city/ hwy/combined. Why would you choose the Lexus? You want brand recognition, yet you don’t want to be flashy. You value a smooth ride that still has the confidence of AWD with an edge of performance. This is a vehicle we would have called a sleeper in the late ‘60s/70s.

The Jaguar XJL is the flash vehicle. It is also one that tugs at my heartstrings. Miles of chrome accents inside and out, with contrast piping on the Truffle and Cashew leather interior. These seats are firm, yet comfortable with bolsters front and rear that tell you that this cat can move when unleashed on the road.

Where the Lexus is all about ride and noise suppression, the Jaguar has a growl coming from the new for 2013 340-hp 3.0L V6 supercharged engine. It drives like a sports sedan yet has the confidence and control of AWD. The V6 is the only engine option available in the AWD, but it won’t disappoint with a 0-60 time of just 6.1 seconds. Why do you buy the Jaguar? You want quality and interior appointments akin to a Rolls Royce. It is fine English craftsmanship made in the heart of the UK. Moreover, you want to make a statement and still get a thrill out of opening the panoramic sunroof and listening to the sound of the Jaguar growl.

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BAC K I N T H E DAY This story recalls a time when parents who were proud of their gay children were still in the early stages of finding ways to organize and encourage other parents to be accepting as well. Conceived in response to a violent attack against her gay activist son, Jeanne Manfort founded Parents Of Gays, the organization that would become PFLAG — Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays — raising awareness of the struggle the LGBT community was enduring, and still endures.

Back in MY day...

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Original printed article from the August 31, 1984 issue of Out Front

Since then PFLAG has grown into one of the most extensive and wellknown resources for people who are first being introduced to LGBT issues after someone they know comes out, and for longtime allies who want to continue taking a stand, organizing, and offering their knowledge as a resource to others. Today PFLAG boasts more than 350 chapters across the U.S. and Canada plus branches around the world, and offers local and personal support groups and resources to families and friends in communities where they live.

Got a story, memory or reflection to share from way back when? To share yours, email editorial@outfrontonline.com with your query or 250-500 word story using “back in my day” in the subject line.

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DECEMBER 18, 2013

51

SEXUALITY

The biology of being gay

Four scientific studies and their respective revelations t THE NOSE KNOWS

In order to test the biological reactions of different sects of sex, scientists played around with smells. Instead of waving sweaty shirts or gym socks around, they came up with two derivatives to use: one was a testosterone derivative, the other an estrogen compound. When the gay men in the study took a hearty whiff of “T,” their hypothalamus glands lit up like Christmas trees. Ditto the straight women. Accordingly, lesbians and straight men were into the “E.” Turns out, there’s a biological call-and-answer beyond our control which is further proof that humans really don’t get a conscious choice in the matter of what’s hot and what’s not.

t WOMB FOR TWO

In general, you have about a five percent chance of being born gay. But if you’re one half of a pair of fraternal twins (sharing the womb but only half your DNA — the same amount as any other biological sibling), you’ve got about a 25 percent chance of being faaaabulous! If you and your womb-buddy were born identical twins (sharing all of your DNA), your chances skyrocket to around 52 percent! Those numbers suggest to researchers that “Born This Way” isn’t just a Gaga song that shares 36 percent of its melodic composition with Madonna’s “Express Yourself.”

t EPIC GENETICS

So if identical twins have identical genes, why do some twins have differing sexualities? That’s an exciting question that researchers feel they’ve narrowed down to epigenetics. Our epigenomes activate (or deactivate) the our genes by attaching to DNA to switch genes “on” or “off” — using the gene for hair growth, for example, they’ll attach the right amount of methyl-based compounds to either grow our mane to glory or pull the brakes on Operation Wig. Some scientists theorize that all of us have the capability for same-sex attraction, but only some of us have the enzymatic cocktail to kickstart the (as-yet-unidentified) “gay gene” by switching it on.

In the nature versus nurture debate, epigenetics are the biological link that bridges the two concepts.

t GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE

Lesbians and straight men have similarities in their brain shapes, and gay men and straight women have similar-looking brain features as well. Lesbians and hetero-dudes tend to have asymmetrical brains that are larger on the right side, while gay men and heterochicks tend to have more symmetrical brains. The two sets of pairs also share similar connectivity in their amygdalas, the part of the brain that controls our “fight or flight” response and our emotional learning.

While the study said nothing about the way these patterns inform our sexuality, it certainly provides some food for (genetically-biased) thought.

ask the sexpert

‘I’ve lost interest in sex’

REKINDLING THE FIRE WHEN THE FLAMES HAVE DIED DOWN Dear Shanna, I’m incredibly in love with and attracted to my partner of many years, but nothing seems to really get me going anymore.

I have no sex drive, none at all. What does this mean for me, and of course for my partner, who seems to be getting the short end of the stick?

Worried About Not Wanting It in Loveland 52

DECEMBER 18, 2013

have changed), and puts an emphasis Dear Worried About Not Wanting It, on sensuality and intimacy rather First let me say that this isn’t just than just sex and orgasms. For many you — hundreds of thousands of people it can act as a reset button on people, of all genders and orientatheir sex drive. tions, are in this boat. Our sex drives Another suggestion is to sit down go up and down throughout our lives. with your partner and talk about Almost every long-term couple (or what sex and intimacy look like in triad/poly group) hits a slow period your relationship desires. If receiving at some point. After years together a sensual massage feels sensual and your life and busy schedule take over intimate — even if it doesn’t “turn you and it’s easy for your sex drive to die on” in a traditional way — work to add down. It doesn’t mean you don’t still Shanna Katz those in. If you’re willing to play with love or feel attracted to your partner, it just means that sex doesn’t carry the same impor- your partner while they masturbate, that can be sexual for the two of you without requiring you to really be tance or newness that it once did.

A brilliant set of exercises called Sensat Focus en- “on.” Remember that sex can be defined in many ways; courage a reboot of sex between partners. Boiled down: consider all of your options before you give up.

Best of luck and be gentle with yourself!

For a month, you agree only to touch each other senShanna sually/sexually above the neck, setting aside time for this at least once per week. Kisses, nibbles, etc. are all allowed, but only above the neck. After the first month Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS is a board-certified sexologist, you can move to anything above the waist. Month three sexuality educator and author who believes in open lets you below the waist, but no genitals. Finally, month source, accessible sexuality education. r See more columns at ofcnow.co/sexpert or for more four allows you to do whatever you want.

This allows you both the space and encourage- info on teaching adults to optimize their sex lives visit ment to re-explore each others’ bodies, to learn more ShannaKatz.com. Send Shanna a question for her about erogenous zones (especially those that may column at ShannaKatz@gmail.com. living

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HEINZESIGHT

What turns you on?

Knowing when you know what you like, and when it might surprise you t In a gay world — full of perversity and diversity — our tastes and turn-ons are just as complex and varying as they are for any other group of people. In our exhaustive search to find those who make our heart, brain, crotch, and soul simultaneously jump up and down in excitement, we are challenged with finding that complicated combination of intellectual, emotional, social, physical, spiritual and sexual compatibilities.

It can also come down to shared interests and life experiences, views toward family, and the ways you each enjoy throwing around your hard-earned cash.

All of these assorted combinations that excite us are different for each of us and different at different points in our lives. Most of us value certain qualities over others in our relationships —for some, a rockin’ body is much more important that knowledge about world affairs. For others, financial ability and interest in traveling to faraway exotic lands is more important than introspec-

things we consciously tion about the nature like, paired with some of the universe or what subconscious impreshappens in the aftersions that remind us life. Identifying those of someone awesome types of priorities can we knew years ago. be a frustrating and It could also include important process. elusive internal drives Hopefully all of we can’t explain or us can list a “top 20 deny. This attraction to things” of sorts that someone may or may we look for in others.

Brent Heinze not make complete It doesn’t matter if there are some superficial quali- sense to us, but it isn’t critical that ties paired with some deeper heart- we find absolute reasons for somefelt ones. Try to keep everything in thing — there are times when, if it feels good, we just grab on and enbalance, right?

Out of this exhaustive list of joy the ride.

Realize that images we create in things we want, it is important to identify those things that we may our minds about the perfect person absolutely require and those that or situation do not always translate would be awesome but aren’t ab- well into the real world. If our desolutely mandatory. Our needs and sires are rigid, we may risk losing wants can also vary with the way the opportunities to welcome some we envision another person fitting fantastic individuals to come into our lives. There are times when into our lives.

Many times, we can’t necessar- people may not match the image of ily pinpoint all of the reasons why the perfect partner or date that exsomeone is fascinating or eye-catch- ists in our minds, but they still are ing to us. It may be a combination of able to be engaging, exciting, inter-

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esting, and a blast to be around. Be careful about passing up amazing people. They may not fit our envisioned “perfect” mate, but they can still be wonderful. People have the ability to surprise us sometimes.

There is no such thing as perfection within anyone, but there are great people out there. We may benefit by taking the opportunity to find a balance between what we think we know about what turns us on and allowing ourselves to enjoy people for whatever they have to offer. We can simply enjoy these exchanges instead of sitting there with our checklist marking off their qualities to see if they meet minimal expectations. Also, don’t forget that it’s not always just about getting off or finding a husband. Enjoying friendships can be fantastic as well.

Brent Heinze, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor. r Get more HeinzeSight online at ofcnow.co/brent or send him a question for his column at PerspectiveShift@yahoo.com.

DECEMBER 18, 2013

53

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