HEALTH
26 June 18 - July 1, 2021
Explore Big Sky
Are you being too nice? BY LINDA ARNOLD
Think of some neutral statements you could use. “It’s not your best look,” is one that has always stuck with me. It doesn’t come across as insulting yet it is direct—and definitely conveys the message.
We all want to be nice, right? Well, yes, except when being “too nice” can actually hurt us.
Emotional toolbox The first step with a sticky wicket is always the hardest. Here are a few connector statements to set the stage. The other person is aware a situation is being addressed, but it avoids triggering any defense mechanisms.
EBS CONTRIBUTOR
Listen up, all you people pleasers. We all want people to like us. However, when you give yourself up in order to morph into other people’s expectations, that’s when you enter the danger zone. You may have done it so long that you live your life on autopilot. You’ll know this when there’s a gnawing empty feeling inside and you can’t put your finger on why you feel this way. Outwardly, everything is going well. On the inside though, you feel numb—like something is missing. Something IS missing—and it’s you! Rocking the boat If your tendency is to keep the peace at all costs, take a look at what it might be costing you. Conflict can be messy , but avoiding it is not always the best route. You can end up delaying decisions and losing the respect of your friends, family and coworkers. Of course, you need to pick your battles. If you’re always sweeping things under the rug, they can come back to haunt you. Getting clear Handling conflict involves clear communication. If you sugarcoat your requests, don’t be surprised if you’re misunderstood. There’s also the passive aggressive approach. You don’t want to deal with the situation directly, so you drop hints and expect the other person to read your mind. These situations can be tricky. Just think about the classic question, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Of course, you don’t want to crush your friend, but if your intention is to truly support her, you need to step up.
• • • • • • •
I realize there are some challenges with (fill in the blank). Have you thought about it from this angle? We need to look at some other options. This may not be the right time. That won’t work for me right now. Let’s explore some different approaches. I’d like to find a way to make this work, although I need your help. It makes sense to run this by the rest of the family first.
Being nice and being kind There’s a big difference between being too nice and being kind. The person who is too nice is externally motivated, says psychiatrist Marcia Sirota. “He or she is driven by the need for approval and validation, craving acceptance. The kind person is internally motivated, less concerned what others might think – and more interested in doing the right thing.” We tend to respect a person who is kind, while we may look down on someone who is too nice. A kind person values him or herself and is able to handle conflict and constructive criticism. Often, those who are too nice have low self-esteem and are afraid to stand up for themselves. What kind of person do you want to be? ©2021 Linda Arnold Life 101, all rights reserved. Linda Arnold, M.A., M.B.A., is the founder of a multistate marketing company, as well as a psychological counselor and syndicated columnist. Reader comments are welcome at linda@lindaarnold.org For information on her books, go to www.lindaarnold.org or Amazon.com
