Letter from the Editor Whether you're looking for a good laugh or an escape from the never-ending avalanche of horrific national news – you've come to the right place! Inside this Top Secret collection of shitposts you will NOT find: anything related to the current presidential administration, anything that would require a trigger warning, or any quality content. Nope, there is none of that here. Instead, join us in having a damn laugh for once. We all need it after this year. So, without further ado, I present to you.. The Gay Agenda™
Andrew Hall
OutWrite Newsmagazine Editor-in-Chief 2017-2018
Queer pickup lines
by Jasper
Want to impress your cute crush? Be super UCLGAY with these queerly rad pickup lines! When I'm with you, I can't think straight! Bi the way, you're super cute! I think you're pantastic. You make me feel bi on life. Please date me, I don't wanna be all bi myself! I think I'm falling for you, you've got gayme. You're the hottest person in the atmosqueer. I'm 50 shades of gay for you. O Homeo, Homeo! Wherefore art thou Homeo? -Shakesqueer Are you a skittle? Because I wanna taste the rainbow. Wanna smash (the patriarchy with me)? I just wanna gayze at you, because you're so amgayzing! If not conforming to cisheteronormative standards was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged! I'm underrepresented in the media, as well as in your pants. Let's get intersectional (in bed). 4
Embarrassing Sex Stories?! Last winter break I worked at Target at one of the busiest malls in my home town. The process of ringing people up became so methodical that I started muttering common customer service phrases without thinking about it. One night, while my manager and supervisor stood behind me as I was about to go on break, someone bought a single box of condoms. While they were checking out, I casually said, “Any fun plans tonight?” When people around us burst out laughing, I quickly realized what I had done. I tried to remedy the situation by making the transaction as quick as I could. When I handed them their change back, I accidently stroked their arm. As if the situation could not get any worse, my manager had the audacity to bark out, “Oh Stephanie is looking for some fun tonight.” The customer, who clearly did not want anymore attention paid to their “fun” evening plans, hurriedly left the store and forgot what they had just bought. I was left with the box of condoms and a lot of regret. After the ordeal ended and I went home for the night, I thought I could forget about what happened and never be reminded of it again. Oh, but I was wrong. Every day until my seasonal employment term ended, I was either blessed with a condom on or inside of my locker. And, when I left my shifts, various coworkers would ask if I had “any fun plans.” This summer, I decided to treat myself and buy a vibrator on Amazon. Everything seemed perfect – the free shipping, 2 day delivery and discreet packaging. Except, that I used my home address instead of my apartment in Westwood. Immediately, out of embarrassment and panic, I thought about Ubering home or even taking the train just to intercept the package (albeit I live 2 hours outside of LA). When I did end up going home, the package was nowhere to be found and I didn’t dare ask where it went. Rather, I discovered it in my parent’s room and found out it was re-gifted. Needless, to say I’ll be doing more shopping in person now. My long-distance partner and I, being cute as fuck, like to make each other really gay playlists. On one of the playlists, for whatever reason, they decided to put Wonderwall by Oasis (what a meme). When I went to visit them, we listened to our playlists constantly. When they went down on me for the first time, guess which song was playing? :) (I think it’s important to note that Toxic also came on during sex. Twice. On two separate occasions).
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Are you tired of endlessly questioning your life choices? Do you wish there was a way to clearly and consistently organize your trajectory through this dumpster fire of an era? Do you want the reassurance that there is light at the end of the tunnel? Yeah, us too. If you find that, let us know. But in the meantime, we do have a completely arbitrary way to 1) justify your somewhat questionable decisions and 2) judge everyone around you. That’s right, folks — it’s time for
Queer Horoscopes! by Shayna Warner Aries
Taurus
March 21 - April 19 An Aries’ symbol is a ram - do we really have to go into further detail about this? All your choices are subconsciously motivated by proven Freudian theory, so you’re theoretically justified. Keep doing you. And others.
April 20 - May 20 You’re totally FINE, ALL the TIME. Look, you’re just a bucket of sunshine. So throw some glitter on yourself, and move it in, mark it up, and move on to your next confidently, disastrously gay decision.
Gemini Cancer
May 21 - June 20 The bad news: you do, in fact, have multiple faces. The good news: that’s true of every functioning human being. The best news: all your faces are gay.
June 21 - July 22 It’s cuffing season and you’re goddamn U-haul material. The only reason you’re not in front of a fireplace, cuddled up under a blanket with your S.O. is that you live in LA. No one has a fireplace. So impulse-buy that plane ticket to Vermont. The flannels are calling!
Leo
July 23 - August 22 Everyone is going to tell you that you’re an egotist, or a literal lion. Just remind them that you’re a gay lion, so your mane is a gift of Nature and deep conditioning. Frankly, Brenda, you’re lucky to even be in the presence of someone so physically stunning.
Virgo
August 23 - Sept. 22 You have a lot of opinions. And that’s super OK. But when someone asks you ‘is this too gay?’ your answer does not have to be truthful.
Libra Scorpio
September 23 - Oct 22 You’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista, did you stone those tights? Truly, queer libra babies are the most perfect, soft, incredible -- oh, no. Are you crying? There, there. It ok! No cry!
October 23 - Nov. 21 If you’re a scorpio, we’re sorry, but we can’t help you. You did this to yourself.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 Being indecisive is fine! It’s adventurous! It’s spontaneous! And it’s not greedy - that’s a myth that Scorpios and Straights like to promote.
Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 Don’t tell them you got it from us, but the Aquarius with their zine open on their lap really needs some action. They’ve been pretending to read this, but they’ve just been on Grindr the whole time. So go consensually touch their asstrology.
Aquarius
Pisces
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 Let the sunshine in, you precious aqueerius. Get off your phone! Go outside! Take a walk! Maybe even a 50-foot walk to the Capricorn Grindee near you. But hey, at least it’s a little bit of exercise.
Feb. 19 - March 20 Pisces? More like bi-sces, HELLO! Come out of your shell! You’re gonna need to fight that pi-erasure with every ounce of your effervescent self.
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Gay of Thrones: A List of Game of Thrones Characters and Why They're All Gay by Rosie Forster We all know the gays of Game of Thrones. There’s Renly Baratheon with his “Rainbow Guard.” There’s Loras Tyrell, the “Prince of Flowers.” There’s Yara “I flirted with my brother and made things awkward but it’s ok because I’m gay” Greyjoy. There’s Oberyn Martell and Ellaria Sand, Dorne’s bisexual power couple. But did you know that literally every character in Game of Thrones is gay? Hear me out:
Margaery Tyrell
Queer girls everywhere, rejoice! The beautiful Natalie Dormer plays Margaery Tyrell, charmer, manipulator, and lesbian extraordinaire. You can’t tell me that Margaery wasn’t hopelessly in love with Sansa when they met in King’s Landing. As she told Sansa herself, “Some women like tall men. Some like short men. Some like hairy men. Some like bald men, gentle men, rough men, ugly men, pretty men, pretty girls.” Wow Margaery. Subtle.
Sansa Stark
The best thing about Margaery being into Sansa was that Sansa was totally into Margaery. Copying her hairstyles, going to her for advice, wanting to marry her brother so they can “be sisters”, Sansa is a bisexual whose obsession with Margaery Tyrell is super obvious. Sure, she may have been into Joffrey for a while, but once Margaery showed up (and Joffrey cut off Ned Stark’s head), Sansa only had eyes for Margaery. Margaery was the only person who was kind to Sansa when she was in King’s Landing, and obviously looking like Natalie Dormer doesn’t hurt.
Danaerys Tagaryen
Dany freaked out when she met first met Yara Greyjoy. The flirtation was so strong, that even Emilia Clarke, who plays Danaerys, said to “get rid of Daario, bring on the ladies!” Dany is no stranger to intimate relations with women, as her handmaidens instructed her in the “arts of love” (lol). Basically, Yara and Dany are going to be a thing.
Robert Baratheon
Yeah, he hated Cersei because she’s a terrible person. But he also hated her because he was forced to marry her while pining over Ned Stark for years. Ned became Robert’s hand against his better judgment. Robert’s frequenting of brothels was obviously to drown the pain of never ge�ng to be with Ned.
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Cersei Lannister
If you’re a queer girl who cut her hair short to attract more women, raise your hand, because Cersei Lannister gets you. We’re going to gloss over the incest thing (because they do that in the show anyway) and focus on the fact that Cersei has had a lot of time to grow her hair back after having it sheared off. Which means that she’s keeping it short deliberately to impress Dany. We all know Cersei hated being married to Robert Baratheon, and she’s so snarky when she meets Danaerys that it must be because she’s attracted to her. It’s not because Dany is trying to take over the Seven Kingdoms. It’s because she’s so cute.
Ser Davos Seaworth
Why would Davos be so devoted to Stannis Baratheon after everything Stannis did? I mean, once Shireen was killed Davos saw how Melisandre’s manipulations had gotten to Stannis, but he was loyal for a long time. It was clearly because Ser Davos was hopelessly in love with Stannis. He was so jealous of Melisandre (we’ve all been there, buddy) because she was having sex with Stannis, and he was bewitched by her. Being in love with straight people is the worst. These are just the first few I thought of that you might not know about. So remember this, next time you watch Game of Thrones: they’re literally all queer. Some are more closeted than others, but it’s the honest truth.
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Cool Queer Fall Trends for a Cool Fashion Fall
by Anastacia Kellogg
Happy autumn! ‘Tis the season for cozying up in soft sweaters, wearing three pairs of socks so your boots fit properly, and mummifying yourself in flannel as you prepare for the long cold embrace of winter. But if you are one of the True Gays™ who has been doing that all summer anyway, then autumn is the perfect time to switch up your look a little bit! Get ahead on these exciting new trends, just as the straight girls start co-opting your signature look.
Plaid sandals
Flannel is everywhere in the fall, and it’s also everywhere in your closet. We see it every year on skirts, pants, scarves, and of course, on flannels. Get ahead on the trend this year by opting for stylish open toed flats that keep your toes sunburnt up to summer standard in this LA weather while also announcing “happy fall” and “hey I’m gay.”
Beanies
Hey, you know what’s really a Straight Person™ thing? Having cold ears. You know what’s really Gay? Warm, toasty, comfortable ears. Self-care is being gay and wearing warm hats. It is a verified fact that no straight person has ever worn a beanie, but just to be safe, you ought to wear three.
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Slightly grayish hoodie
This one’s exciting because it can be DIYed! Start with a basic hoodie. It can be any color or any size or dug out of any family member’s pile of forgotten clothes. Put it in the back of your wardrobe for approximately seven months. Be sure to let it fall on the ground occasionally. At some point mid-all-nighter, get cold, remember it, dig it out, and shake off the worst of the dust. Congratulations! You now have a perfectly chic, ambiguously colored, probably oversized hoodie to study for midterms and cry and be extremely gay in.
The LITTLE black dress ... okay, a thong.
A single Ugg soaked in pumpkin spice 11
by Austin Mendoza 12
Mad Lib: The Adventures of Ponyboy Toy
by Jessica Humphrey There once was a _______ alien named Pony who snacked on _______ _______ every day while cruising Bruin Walk. One afternoon, Pony met a 5th year fraternity bro. Calling themselves Benny, the _______ clown was found in the gutter reminiscing his glory days and trying to lure students with the promise of free alcohol and _______ . Pony took pity on Bennywise and together they went on a _______ adventure to generally annoy everyone. They recklessly skateboarded down the hill, _______ in front of innocent freshmen, and gorged on _______ at Fat Sal's. Later, they spotted a _______ cougar in search of her cub. Used to prowling and sniffing out kitty, Pony and Benny _______ found the Powell cat, returned it to its sugar mama, and were rewarded with _______ . Deeming themselves superheroes, they went on to help a bloody USC student find their way out of campus and a _______ hipster find her way out of South Campus. After doing their good deeds for the day, they _______ headed to Hedrick Summit to catch an impromptu rap battle: Hendrick Lamar vs. Rieber Bieber. Surprisingly, the nonparticipant _______ ended up winning when they stunned everyone with their _______. Pony and Benny were then approached by Gene, the sexy meme daddy, and they all finished their ' _______ day in a _______ menage a` trois on Pony's _______ mothership. adjective
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Puzzle Corner
by Jenna LaFleur
The following words and phrases feature only the consonants LGBTQ. Can you fill them back in? The same word can use a letter more than once. 1. __ __ Magazine known for its Man of the Year award 2. __ __ __ Crunchy lunchtime sandwich 3. E __ __ O Eleven's waffle brand of choice in Stranger Things 4. __ U I __ __ Padded bed covering 5. __ O __ U E Hat worn by chefs 6. __ U I __ __ Y Not innocent 7. __ A __ __ __ E Huge fight 8. __ U I __ __ " Harry Potter and the ____ of Fire" 9. __ E A __ __ E Snoopy is one 10. __ U I __ __ __ E Minor criticism or nitpick 1 . __ U O __ A __ __ E Offering many noteworthy sayings 12. O __ __ I __ A __ E Compell legally or morally 13. U __ __ Y __ E __ __ Y 2000's comedy series starring America Ferrera (2 words) 14. E __ U I __ A __ __ E Impartial 51 . __ O __ U I E __ __ Y Leave without putting up a fight (2 words) 16. __ I __ __ __ E __ E A __ U E Kids' baseball and sofball organization (2 words) ANSWERS: 1. GQ 2. BLT 3. EGGO 4. QUILT 5. TOQUE 6. GUILTY 7. BATTLE 8. GOBLET 9. BEAGLE 10. QUIBBLE 11. QUOTABLE 12. OBLIGATE 13. UGLY BETTY 14. EQUITABLE 15. GO QUIETLY 16. LITTLE LEAGUE
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Dear John:
by John Solan Dear John, I just moved into my new place in Big Ol' Tree, AL. I don't have a great feeling about it. Did you know they make MAGA belt buckles here? My boss has more than he has teeth, which he supposedly lost from " experience."I'm not sure what that means and I don't care to find out. Send condoms.
Dear John, Today someone told me I should go back to candyland where I belong. Little do they know that meeting Katy Perry and her Whip Cream Tits from California Girls would be my greatest achievement to date. I wonder what they taste like. . Sunshine? Happiness? Free parking?!! Updates to come. 18
Dear John, My office held a costume party for Halloween and I went in drag! It was super fun until they realized what was going on. Thankfully that didn't happen 'til the next morning, when Pastor Tim woke up. Funny how being queer is bad until my ass is in chaps. Even funnier that a "leather fetish"makes you swallow.. hmm.. Dear John, I just had the best date! The guy was so cool! He only smokes two packs a day, his car was only slightly covered in mud, and get this: he didn't even ask me to put a bag over my head when we went home together!! Glad I can finally end that streak; that rash on my neck has been there for months. 19
Dear John, I'm finally leaving Big Ol' Tree. I thought I'd lose my job or be chased out with pitchforks, but they got me where I least expected it. Who would have imagined there's a pocket of the country secluded enough that Androids are more common than iPhones? I mean, what kind of vile, repugnant, and downright evil person could let themselves live like that? They can call me Nancy all they want, but if I see one more green text bubble or emoji with a double chin, I'm gonna blow. They'd probably like that though.
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by Jessica Cao Beard training may seem like a daunting task for any young queer person. However, it is important to remember that training a beard is not about discipline or forcing your beard to obey you, but about the bond between beard and queer. First, the way to a beard's heart is through its stomach. Beards love eating butter, so always have your butter ready and accessible when trying to motivate or encourage them in beard school. If your beard charms your coworkers/ boss/family or denies rumors of your sexuality, reward it with some butter. Secondly, the bond between a queer person and beard is solidified when a beard allows you to ride on its back. Soaring through the air with your beard is the ultimate gesture of friendship, trust, and loyalty. In a sense, this act is the beard's way of thanking a queer person for caring for them and being a good friend. Beards remember these things and will return the favor once they feel their partner-in-beard an important part of their life. Lastly, a beard loves being able to get out and date freely. Serving as a wingperson for your beard is a great way to spend time with them in their natural environment, and doing so will cause your relationship to strengthen. 21
Coming Out Bingo
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by Andrew Hall
Scissoring: Myth or Legend?
by Liz Shearer For years-- ever since Audre Lorde invented lesbianism in 1934-- the LGBTQ+ community has heatedly debated about the existence of “scissoring,” a radical sex act that mainstream media portrays as the end goal of any lesbian encounter. In the spirit of well-rounded journalism, I looked into a few more definitions. Webster’s Dictionary defines scissors as “a gymnastic feat in which the leg movements suggest the opening and closing of scissors.” That actually didn’t seem too far off from my perception of the definition, but, to ensure quality reporting, I did a reference check. I found that Urban Dictionary describes scissoring as “A lesbian sex act where two partners interlock their spread legs (like two pairs of scissors) and grind their vulvae together to stimulate each other’s clitoris to orgasm.” Now that we have a more culturally-informed understanding of scissoring, let’s really dig into this hot button issue, readers. What is the history of scissoring? Why is the act so divisive? Is it even real? ... ok gang, listen, here’s the thing. Honestly, I’m not even going to do this news journal facade right now anymore. This is serious. We, as a whole-ass society, need to talk candidly about this for once. It’s a thing.* Ok, but guys, wait a sec, calm down, listen. So, I know this is exciting news and that the Straight Men™ are going to be so so thrilled, but listen, we really need to stop making it such a meme. As a woman who is legitimately sexually active with women (but only sometimes when I’m lookin’ extra cute), and who legitimately thought that scissoring was only a joke, I am upset. I know I am but a speck of dust in the wind of Gays™, but, if I, a basic, whose exclusive cultural diet consists of mainstream TV and one (1) hilarious Canadian lesbian Youtube channel, believed scissoring was fake, probably some other basics out there feel the same way. And I hate the idea that there could be so many people like me who won’t seize the day and try what sounds like a fun experience, solely because they are afraid it was a joke all along. Folks, I don’t want to get too existential here, but allow me to ask you all a series of challenging questions. Is penetrative sex real? Is oral real? Is kissing real? Is brief eye contact with a cute stranger in B-Caf and then planning your guys’ big outdoor wedding ceremony (featuring your shared cat as the ring bearer) in your head for the next few months after the eye contact even real? We do know one truth: scissoring is a thing* (kind of) and we all need to do our part to increase awareness of its vague legitimacy. *To clarify, the real thing is called tribbing and it’s usually a little different from scissoring, in terms of specific body positions, but the general consensus is that it’s the same idea.
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Contributors Cover Design and Layout . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shay Suban Letter From the Editor -pg. 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Andrew Hall & graphics by Shay Suban Queer Pickup Lines -pg. 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jasper Embarrassing Sex Stories -pg.5 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anonymous Queer Horoscopes - pg. 6-7 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shayna Warner Gay of Thrones -pg. 8-9 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rosie Forster & graphics by Sarah Jensen Fall Fashion Trends -pg. 10-11 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anastacia Kellogg & graphics by Carmen Ngo The Gay Agenda -pg. 12 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Austin Mendoza Safer Sex Items Coloring Page -pg. 13 . . . . . . . . . . . . Hannah Boston Mad Lib -pg. 14 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jessica Humphrey Flow Chart -pg. 51 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shannon Kasinger & graphics by Hannah Boston Puzzle COrner -pg. 16 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jenna LaFleur Turtle Illustration -pg. 17 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hannah Boston Dear John -pg. 18-20 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . John Solan & graphics by Nick Griffin How To Train Your Beard -pg. 21 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jessica Cao & graphics by Hannah Boston Coming Out Bingo Board -pg. 22 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Andrew Hall Scissoring: Myth or Legend? -pg. 23 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Liz Shearer Fake Advertisements -pg. 24 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Siobhan Chapman Fake Advertisement -pg. 25 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jessica Cao OutWrite is published and copyrighted by the ASUCLA Communications Board. All rights are reserved. Reprinting of any material in this publication without the written permission of the Communications Board is strictly prohibited. The ASUCLA Communications Board fully supports the University of California’s policy on non-discrimination. The student media reserve the right to reject or modify advertising whose content discriminates on the basis of ancestry, color, national origin, race, religion, disability, age, sex or sexual orientation. The ASUCLA Communications Board has a media grievance procedure for resolving complaints against any of its publications. For a copy of the complete procedure, contact the publications office at 118 Kerckhoff Hall.
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