Upfront
FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE
A review to a kill BY
Amelia Lester
T
D R E A M D E S T I N AT I O N
Qasr al Sarab Desert Resort UNITED ARAB EMIRATES
A world of indulgence and wonder awaits those who venture to this tranquil oasis resting amid sweeping sand dunes that morph from dusty yellow to fiery orange as the sun sets. There are 205 sumptuous rooms, villas and suites divided by emerald-green grass, intricate walkways and arches, and tall palm trees. Inside the resort, poolside sun loungers beckon, as do indulgent spa treatments and exquisite dinner options (feasting under starry skies is a magical way to spend an evening). Beyond, the desert calls to adventurous souls with camel trekking and dune bashing. Tatyana Leonov
JAMES BRICKWOOD; ILLUSTRATION BY SIMON LETCH
E AT / D R I N K
WITH OYSTERS piled high on ice, split lobsters grilled over ironbark, and champagne by the bucket, Bert’s is the Merivale group’s new big day out for Sydney’s northern beaches. And what more splendid way to start than with toasty brioche fingers topped with chicken-fat butter and luxuriously creamy, melting tongues of fresh-from-the-tank sea urchin ($18 for 3). Team with a MarTeeny from the bar and views over Pittwater for even more of that still-on-summer-holidays feeling. Jill Dupleix
BERT’S , 2 KALINYA STREET, NEWPORT (02) 9114 7350 MERIVALE.COM.AU
HERE IS much to recommend about shopping online. You can browse in your underwear, a practice still frowned on by most brick-and-mortar operations. No one pulls back the dressing room curtain just as you’re determining the feasibility of, say, an especially whimsical poncho. And you’re less likely to end up eating a second breakfast at Muffin Break. (Why does eau de food court linger so?) But the greatest thing about online shopping is also the most vexing. I speak of customer reviews. Scintillating and paralysing in equal measure, the genre reaches its apotheosis on Amazon, which made its official debut in Australia recently (although it has, of course, been used by many of us for years). Have you ever dedicated yourself to reading the best and worst reviews of a product? Good luck making a decision now. Even if it’s about a pillow. “I am ready to cry!!” begins a one-star review of the back-support pillow I’d been eyeing. “Bought this for my daughter … Well, instead of resting, she was picking off bed bugs!! Now I have to fork over $500 to get rid of them plus more for mattress covers.” It’s hard to click “buy” after you’ve read that, even when another reviewer promises that you will resemble “a sweet napping puppy, tuckered out from a long day of chasing butterflies”. Reader, I closed my browser window. I’m fascinated by the psychological make-up of prolific internet reviewers. Is it altruism which drives them to the keyboard? Not always. Review sections are often where the most fecund of digital natives, the troll, lurks. In 2012, the stationery brand Bic released a line of pens for women called Bic for Her. (Apparently, the “thin barrel” was “designed to fit comfortably in a woman’s hand”.) Hundreds of mischievous customer reviews turned the product launch into a social media debacle for the company. A sample: “My husband
has never allowed me to write, as he doesn’t want me touching men’s pens … Once I had learnt to write, the feminine colour and the grip size … has enabled me to vent thoughts about new recipe ideas, sewing and gardening.” The odder the object, the stranger the reviews. Some are worth seeking out in themselves, even if you have no interest in acquiring the product. One Amazon review of a latex horse-head mask with a startled expression ($US18.35) has become legendary for its mastery of the form. “It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own,” writes ByronicHero. “I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew.” Amazon notes 2849 people found this review helpful.
The odder the object, the stranger the reviews online. Another fount of customer reviews is TripAdvisor, where even the most sumptuous luxury hotels are subject to brutal takedowns. A six-star place in Dubai, for instance, gets a withering assessment from a hotel patron whose Pucci dress was ruined by helicopter grease on the rooftop landing pad. If, like me, you find it literally impossible to make a decision on where to stay after perusing TripAdvisor reviews, why not lower the stakes? Act decisively on a brunch venue by heading to Yelp and Google Reviews, where mimosas, lattes and avo toast are ruthlessly dissected by Millennials. Living in Japan, I enjoy Google’s attempts to translate reviews. It’s a clarifying process, in a way, because a positive consensus shines through the language barrier. “Atmosphere is liked,” opened a recent review. “Clerk in the stylish cafe is handsome. Brunch is delicious.” Sold. n
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