VANUATU’S PRESTIGE REAL ESTATE

PRESTIGE PROPERTY Buy Into The Dream In Vanuatu

For anyone looking for business and commercial opportunities to combine with idyllic affordable locations in which to live, Vanuatu has much to offer, says Douglas Patterson from Island Property.

Clear turquoise water, pristine white sand beaches in an island paradise make good real estate sense for both lifestyle and business.

Vanuatu has made it easy for foreigners to buy property. You don’t need to be a resident to invest. There are no restrictions on what type of property you may purchase. There is no limit to the number of properties you may buy. You can rent out your property long term without any business licences or permits, and there are no impediments to repatriating funds from selling or renting a Vanuatu property. For non-residents looking to buy an investment property, local property managers will be able to look after things in your absence.

Vanuatu commercial banks accept registered titles as loan security, and insurance companies will cover your property, including against cyclone. And, when it comes to prices, you will be pleasantly surprised when you compare what you pay in Vanuatu, compared with Australia and New Zealand, especially for waterfront and coastal properties.

Of course that shouldn’t mean that you proceed with any less care than you would in the familiar circumstances of home. Entering any new market always carries an element of the unknown. That is why the first thing you should do is make sure you are talking to suitably qualified and experienced professionals who can guide you through the local laws and requirements, as well as introduce you to the spectacular range of real estate available in this country.

In Vanuatu you will find housing ranging in price from a few hundred thousand dollars for three- and four-bedroom family villas to a few million dollars for the increasing number of imaginatively designed, contemporary waterfront residences that have been built here over the last decade.

The Vanuatu real estate market has experienced the price and activity cycles that occur elsewhere. There are times when our market is buoyant, and times when it is flat. But one thing is sure; you will find many more people who regret they did not invest here previously when they had the opportunity than you will encounter those who regret that they have. Douglas Patterson is the principal of Island Property, a Port Vila based real estate and property development company that has operated in Vanuatu since 1990. Douglas has lived in Vanuatu since the mid 1980s and is a naturalised citizen.• PICTURE: Craig Osment. Efate, Vanuatu.

ISLAND CITIZENSHIP Research by Astons, the alternative residency and citizenship acquisition experts, has revealed which nations offer the quickest timeframe to securing citizenship when it comes to investing across the EU and Caribbean. It takes an average of five and a half years to secure citizenship in the UK. Still, even when opting for the quicker route of investing to gain citizenship, you are required first to hold residency as is the case in several countries. However, some nations allow you to skip the residency stage and gain direct citizenship straight away when investing. Whether you’re looking for a secluded bolthole to sit tight while Covid-19 blows over, or you’re eyeing EU citizenship for when (if) Brexit finally happens, Aston’s has highlighted 14 nations where you can do just that and in the quickest timeframe. The quickest of the lot is the island nation of Vanuatu in the South Pacific Ocean with an estimated population of just over 300,000 people. Not only is it the quickest with the average timeframe of securing citizenship through investment currently just 30 days, but it’s also one of the best value with a minimum investment of £99,416.Managing Director of Astons, Arthur Sarkisian, commented: “During the current pandemic, we’ve seen a significant uplift in the number of individuals opting to invest in island nations such as Vanuatu and other locations across the Caribbean, in particular. Of course, these nations provide a strong pull in terms of the lifestyle and landscape, but they also offer a much quicker route to citizenship at a much lower cost. As a result, they’ve grown in popularity amongst those looking to bypass potential travel restrictions in the event of a second wave over the coming months, and this trend is likely to persist until the pandemic ends, at the very least.” Quickest Golden Visa Investment Nations For A Second Wave Bolthole

The above article is extracted from a recent edition of the Vanuatu Daily Post and is sourced from Astons, an international residency and citizenship company. See more here: www.astons.com

PRESTIGE PROPERTY RETREAT Beachfront

This South Pacific retreat which has been featured in several magazines is on the pristine island of Efate in Vanuatu. It is the perfect family getaway, a safe haven in an uncertain world, a means to Vanuatu residency and possibly citizenship and a sound business opportunity with a stable holiday rental return. A private beach, inground pool, live-in staff quarters and an acre of walled privacy are added attractions.

Below: Villa Anouska’s main living pavilion opens directly on to the pool deck and with ocean-facing infinity pool, this is the nerve centre of

the house and perfect for lounging and entertaining day or night. Above: The grounds are creatively and sensitively lit for all-hours enjoyment.

Everyone craves a haven, particularly in these trying times when uncertainty seems a permanent feature of our lives. The simplicity of a retreat in a self-sustaining island paradise holds even greater appeal when wearing masks and practising social distancing restrict our daily routines. The idea of escaping to a walled compound on a private beach with live-in staff quarters, the Pacific Ocean lapping on white sand, pandanus palms shading your recliner, while watching spectacular sunsets has never been more appealing. Villa Anouska on the beach at Narpow Point, Whitesands is just 20 minutes from Port Vila and 25 minutes from Vanuatu’s international airport but a world away from 2020’s problems. The villa sprawls over 600 square metres of living space with all four king-sized en-suite bedrooms enjoying views of the ocean and the leafy grounds. The house is holiday-casual and built for easy beachside living with bespoke joinery made from local hardwoods and stone floors throughout for simple maintenance and cleaning. It comes fully equipped with all appliances, an entertainer’s Ilve oven, marble benchtops and sit down dining opportunities for 18 people. All bedrooms feature American king-sized four-poster beds with mosquito netting for that perfect tropical feel, extra large en-suite bathrooms and direct access to covered verandahs. It's a house that has been lovingly built for family holidays and visiting friends with private verandah spaces facing north, east and west while all fronting the Pacific. Engineered to exceed all local and international building codes, no expense has been spared on making the structure durable and safe from the elements. All bedrooms are air conditioned and ceiling fans abound throughout, Natural ventilation is via timber shutters in every room which can be controlled for maximum comfort throughout the year. Narpow Point is renowned for its aspect which benefits from the gentle trade winds bringing breezes throughout the summer months for those perfect days by the inground infinity pool which adjoins the enormous main living pavilion with its soaring ceilings and multiple living and dining spaces. Access to the property is via an electronic security gate giving on to the natangura-thatched porte cochere. Mature coconut palms line the street entry and along with the paw paw and banana trees provide easy access to tropical fruit. The ocean beyond the tidal lagoon pool is a source of lobsters, crabs and reef fish and is clear and pristine for snorkelling. Villa Anouska has been maintained to the highest standards and presents in as-new condition with full holiday management services and a steady rental income averaging AU$700 per night when not occupied by the owners. The house is an easy walk along the beach to one of Vanuatu’s most revered restaurants at the boutique resort, Tamanu on the Beach. For sale at US$1,530,000, see www.pauarealty.com for further details and a floorplan.•

Below: All four of the extra large bedrooms are equipped with sofas and American king-sized beds with romantic white netting for enjoying those tropical nights while drifting off to the sound of the ocean breaking on the reef. Right: From above it’s obvious that the entire house is designed to maximise its beachfront position, every room faces the Pacific Ocean while the coral walled garden is filled with palms, bougainvillea, fruit trees and fragrant frangipanis. The inground pool is integrated with the verandah and main pavilion for perfect access. The lawn leads directly to the white sand beach and tidal lagoon pool. Far right top: The sunsets from this aspect are a highlight of the day and this one is typical of the blaze of colour most evenings; below, the kitchen is crafted from concrete for durability and ease of maintenance while the cupboard units are easily moved on castors for cleaning and maintenance, the giant gas/electric oven is by Ilve, there are three fridges and a large walk-in pantry for easy entertaining. There is also an excellent home delivery service for all produce and foodstuffs, both local and imported.

Below left: The expansive main pavilion opens directly on to the pool and gardens and is 40 metres from the white sand beach with

sweeping 180-degree ocean views. The perfect place to enjoy spectacular sunsets and poolside drinks at dusk on the endlessly warm days.

PRESTIGE PROPERTY The tropics to a T!

Tula, Tamarind and Toa are the evocative names of the main structures on this beachside parcel of perfection set on Port Vila’s ocean shoreline. The good news is that it could now be yours … for a price..

Spread over five secluded acres of meticulously manicured, absolute beachfront land Tamarind Beach Estate is state of the art island living. Fifteen minutes from Port Vila is one of the Pacific’s finest beachside properties, with 161 metres of sandy private beach facing north from the shoreline of Paradise Cove, this walled oceanfront compound offers a quintessentially luxurious yet simple tropical lifestyle.

Tula (meaning ‘quiet’, which it definitely is), the main residence opens to a vast terraced deck that leads directly to the beach. Surrounded by established trees and enjoying spectacular views across the ocean this elegant home with its soaring ceilings and sense of French colonial grandeur consists of two bedrooms on the entry level, each with superbly appointed ensuite bathrooms, while the curved white staircase leads to a third mezzanine bedroom, or alternatively a study.

Attached to the main house is a perfectly executed, urbane version of the traditional Vanuatu ‘nakamal’ or meeting place. This features the requisite ‘natangura’ (thatched) roof with the addition of a built in outdoor cooking area and vast dining space for those perfect long summer lunches or evening dinners.

Ambience and style are words thrown around with abandon in typically hyperbolic real estate-speak but rarely does a property live up to these descriptors like Tamarind Beach Estate.

The current owners spared no expense and compromised on nothing when creating their dream compound for family and friends. Renowned Australian architect Iain Halliday was engaged to ensure the structural elements of this sophisticated take on the tropics were realised, while landscape designer Annie Wilkes literally brought the expansive grounds and gardens to life.

Set on a gentle arc of sand within the aptly named Paradise Cove, Tamarind’s three structures share the same effortlessly elegant ecosystem, the ‘interacting organisms’ in this case evoking a beachy, relaxed vibe which is the stuff of nostalgic recollections of the traditional littoral lifestyle.

Each of the bungalows, (Tamarind and Toa) is sited within a few steps of the water and feature two bedrooms with ensuite bathrooms, an open plan kitchen and lounge areas leading through white shuttered doors directly to columned decks with cane chairs reminiscent of colonial refinement. Between the two is another nakamal and direct beach access to thatched fares.

In addition to the seven bedrooms, six bathrooms and nine car spaces, there is a separate manager’s house and staff accommodation, and for those too impatient to take the 25-minute car trip from the airport, there’s a discreetly positioned helipad.

This unique property can be yours for AU$5,300,000. For more detailed information on the property see: www. tamarindbeach.com and for sales information contact Catherine Boudier-Contant First National Vanuatu at +678 29014 or +678 777 3060 •

PRESTIGE PROPERTY Island Sophistication

Bali meets Vanuatu in this stylish, cool and spacious cluster of natangura-thatched buildings right on the beach in Vanuatu. Vila Sarangkita comes with a cooks kitchen and a ready made holiday rental income, plus all the benefits of the Pacific Ocean on the doorstep,

Villa Sarangkita is an exclusive beachfront property set on the beach at Narpow Point Vanuatu Efate, Vanuatu.

The villa sits on a private, walled, one-acre absolute beachfront compound. The luxuriously appointed fourbedroom home is architecturally designed in a modern Balinese style and covers 472 square metres of living area plus a separate atelier/office building of 90 square metres as well as staff accommodation.

This is the ultimate in resort-style living with the added bonus of complete privacy right on the Pacific Ocean and only 20 minutes from Port Vila town but with two excellent restaurants within walking distance just along the beach.

The property features: Spacious living area, inground pool, ocean rock pool, guest bungalow, air conditioning, extensive master suite, spacious mezzanine bedroom plus en-suite, walk-in wardrobes, double carport, separate office/atelier and staff accommodation, security gate and walled garden.

Villa Sarangkita is not only perfect for the owner/occupier but also ideal as a holiday getaway with extremely reliable rental income from holiday lettings. Combine business with pleasure and an idyllic island lifestyle among the friendliest people on earth according to some surveys.

For sale at VT160,000,000 or AU$2 million. Please see www.pauarealty.com Property ID: NPPVS64 for further details.•

ABODE Thatch Of The Day Dream Weavers

Images of tropical buildings almost always include a thatched roof. Whether on a fare, bale or hale, or something more elaborate like the soaring roof of a grand lobby entrance to a luxury hotel. What began life centuries ago as a cheap way of staying dry has evolved into an island icon, says Toby Preston.

Below: The overwater bungalows at luxurious Likuliku on Fiji’s Malolo Island. Top right: The view with the lot – a blazing sunset, palm trees

and a beachside fare in Vanuatu. Below: The Chief’s Hut which is the centrepiece of the Jean-Marie Tjibaou Cultural Centre in Noumea.

Here in the Pacific we tend to think of the thatched bure or fare and a swaying palm as the archetypical tropical building meme, and to a large extent it is. It’s just that thatching is a roofing tradition that goes back centuries and has been employed in buildings across the world. Indeed there are more than 60,000 thatched buildings in the United Kingdom and many more across Europe.

The use of thatch was an obvious solution for ancient builders because of the availability of reeds, straw, rushes or palm fronds. The same applies today throughout our region, and given its instant familiarity as a tropical material it’s widely used in many modern resorts and hotels as well as for the most minimal and basic structures. One advantage I noticed after some damage to one of my natangura (the Vanuatu palm used for thatching) roofs after cyclone Pam was the ease with which it can be patched or replaced. A team of local boys was on the roof within hours of the passing of Pam, laying new palm fronds over the damaged sections and propping up a leaning woven bamboo and natangura structure with poles and ropes, after which it was as good as new. I did however lose two beachfront fares completely; all that was left were a couple of concrete footings used to secure the posts, the remainder disappeared never to be seen again. I have since given up on building anything on the beach, having now rebuilt twice after storm surges and cyclones – I was warned by one of my Ni-Vanuatu friends that the sea simply reclaims beaches on a regular basis and it’s useless trying to resist. She was right.

Speaking of repair work using new thatch over old, it’s said

that in some cases old buildings have layers of thatch laid over centuries which are now up to two metres thick. Here in the tropics we tend to just rip it off and start again so the structure remains very light and can be easily supported by bush timber in lots of simpler buildings.

Around the Pacific there are some extremely elaborate examples which have required sophisticated engineering to construct and in turn have withstood some pretty wild weather without any real damage. The Havannah resort on Havannah Harbour in Vanuatu has one of the finest natangura roofs in the country. A soaring conical structure with a modern chandelier beneath is the perfect setting for their fine dining restaurant, along with a much simpler structure on the end of their jetty which can be set up for intimate dinners over the water.

But when it comes to holiday destinations, the thatched roof is everywhere there’s water and sand, from Costa Rica to Koh Samui, Mauritius to Maui (where thatched buildings are called hales), Fiji to Noumea to Africa to Japan to Bali to … well, everywhere.

Another feature of the tropical thatched roof is the beauty of the underside, where the spars are exposed and the elaborate ties form patterns around the battens that secure the palm fronds and the beams. The skills needed to construct these roofs are handed down over generations and the good thing about the renewed interest in using this material is that there is an increasing demand for authentic artisans and the maintenance of the skill base.

Surprisingly there are new buildings in Europe and the UK which still employ thatching as an architectural feature or as a link to the historic foundations of a renovated building. The irony now is that this simple and cheap solution to keeping the elements at bay has become far more expensive and labourintensive than using slate, or metal or tiles or wooden shingles. But the essential beauty of a thatch-clad building is as attractive today as it was centuries ago, and nothing beats it for lazing in the shade by the water.•

Right: The central pavilion of a spectacular Pacific villa. This is one of four interlinked natangura-roofed structures which open directly to the Pacific. Far right: A contemporary take on thatching in the UK. Very elegant. Top left to right: A beachside dining fare; the ceiling at Havannah Resort, Vanuatu; the

intricate underside of a natangura roof. Above left to right: Salt at Sofitel, Fiji; it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing; running repairs.

Growing Your Own propagation

Carolyn Ernst says grow your own. Whether you buy from a nursery or propagate from existing plants in your own garden, graft, plant seeds, or use cuttings, there are many ways to add to your garden.

The easiest way to get a new plant is to go to a nursery and buy one. There are many reasons why this is sometimes not possible, or maybe you just don’t want to do it the easy way. Some heritage plants can be difficult to acquire as can some of the plants that prefer our hotter, wetter regions. Many plants sold in the larger commercial nurseries are mass produced in large propagation facilities in cooler areas and are not always suited to our warmer tropical regions.

There are also budgets to consider and sometimes we just can’t afford the plant we want NOW. Then of course there is the personal satisfaction of doing it yourself. Also, no matter how cheap a single plant may be, if you are planning to mass plant a new project area and you need 50 of one plant, then the cost can add up, no matter how cheap.

Most plants can be propagated one way or another, some very easily, while others can be difficult and require sophisticated heating and misting systems. Perhaps the easiest plants to propagate are bulbs - these are very easy to lift, divide and replant. Some bulbs clump up more quickly than others and the only thing you need to watch is to make sure you get some roots with each bulb and don’t try to be too greedy and leave the little ones to grow a bit more before you repeat the process. This process is similar for the rhizome families, such as iris and other similar plants. The plant can be divided, making sure each section has some roots, and then either planted directly into the garden or into pots or planter bags.

When doing a lot of propagation, whatever method you use, it is often easier to use planter bags or pots and create a small nursery, where it is easy to give these new plants the love and attention they need to give them a good start to life. A small shade house is ideal; this can be as simple as a small lean-to off the side of your house or a commercial store bought model. A simple design that is easy for even the most amateur builder is using galvanized star pickets and poly pipe for the structure. The star pickets define the shape and fix it to the ground and then the poly pipe is fitted over the picket and arched up and over and attached to the picket on the other side, so producing a tunnel. Wire is then attached to the frame that will support your cover and hold the shape in place. You can then attach shade cloth or, if you want to protect your new plants from excess rain, then you can use special UV protected plastic. If you use plastic then you need to consider the airflow or you will have issues with moulds and other diseases that like a humid hot atmosphere. More comprehensive plans can be found on the internet.

Seeds are another great way to propagate plants. You can either collect your own or purchase them from your local store or from one of the many online stores. The range is endless. If ordering from other countries or even other states, you need to check out the biosecurity regulations and what you are allowed to import. Remember, these laws are put in place to protect your environment and your local Industries so do make sure you follow them. If the seed is for plants that are not common in your area, please make sure they are suited to your climatic conditions. As much as I love lavender and can still sometimes be tempted to buy a packet, the truth is this Mediterranean climate-loving plant just hates our tropical humidity.

“Just remember that some plants take a very long time to grow and mature, this especially applies to fruit trees.”

Some seeds are very easy to germinate while others require very specific treatment, all the information you require is available on the web and most sites selling seeds will have detailed instructions for how to germinate their seeds. I find that it pays to check several sites, as there can sometimes be conflicting ideas on the best method to use, but the more you read the better informed you will be. Also check germination times as some seeds will take many months to germinate, so you do not want to throw out seeds that may still be good.

Just remember that some plants take a very long time to grow and mature, and this especially applies to fruit trees. Some can take over seven years to fruit from seed. Most of the fruit trees that are commercially available in nurseries are grafted; this means the fruiting part has been attached to a different root stock. This is often done to protect the plants from specific root diseases and shorten the time to fruiting and the grafted material is an exact genetic match to the parent plant. The only thing you need to watch is that the root stock does not send up shoots; this will affect the vigour of the graft and, left unchecked, the root stock will eventually take over. If you see this happen just snip off the offending shoot.

When purchasing fruit trees make sure you do your research to find the varieties that best suit your climate and soil. There is now a huge range and some great suppliers. Some of the more exotic fruit trees can be hard to find but you will find that your persistence in finding them is worth it when you taste your first crop.

Cuttings are probably the next most popular method of propagation, after seeds. Most shrubs can be successfully grown from a cutting. Some are very easy and it is just a

Above left: Fruit trees growing from seed. Right: Perhaps the easiest plants to propagate are bulbs, they are easy to lift, divide and replant.

matter of sticking them in the ground and they will grow. Some are trickier and there are various methods to improve your success rate. I find the best success normally comes from using wood that is not too old but is not new growth. Make sure there is a growing node at the bottom of your cutting and another at the top. All new growth will come from these nodes and if there are lengths of stem either below or above these nodes, then this will start to rot before the cutting has a chance to start rooting and this then spreads to the rest of your cutting and so your cutting will fail to grow.

I use normal soil for my cuttings but some like to use a sand mix; this stops waterlogging but you will have to be more vigilant to prevent drying out. I have found for some plants the success varies depending on the season or if the plant is flowering or not.

The final way to propagate is through grafting (already mentioned briefly) and marcotting. While grafting is attaching one plant to the root stock of another, (they are normally related) marcotting is convincing a part of a mature plant to produce roots which can then be detached from the parent plant and replanted. A portion of the bark is removed and then surrounded in a medium like sphagnum moss, moistened and then wrapped in a moisture proof fabric and left to allow the plant to produce roots. Again the marcott is an exact genetic replica of the parent.

There are hours of pleasure and self-satisfaction to be gained from propagating your own plants. These can be used in your own garden or I find then great way to give someone a special gift for that special occasion: this could be a fruit tree for their garden or a special plant for their home. There are now many people propagating plants to earn a little bit of pocket money and selling them in the local markets or craft days. If you do not have the time or inclination to propagate your own, then this is a great way to buy the plants you want.

There is a new trend and this is growing plants in water this limits their growth and for those of us now living in tiny or small homes it is a way to still have your plants around you without taking up too much space. There are many plants that can be grown this way including the large philodendron family. This method can also be used to start plants growing before you transplant them out into a soil medium. Children enjoy this process and like to watch the plants growing and it is easy for them to have their own plant to look after and so introduce them to the love of growing at an early stage. Everybody will remember the old method of suspending an avocado seed over water and watching it grow.

Once more everyone make sure you enjoy life and take time to smell the roses, happy gardening! •

Gardening editor Carolyn Ernst owns and operates Eden on the River, an open-garden, petting zoo, cafe, mini zipline, waterfall adventure park just outside Port Vila in Vanuatu. It is a must-visit whilst in Vanuatu for a great day out.

PICTURES: Carolyn Ernst

PAR AVION AI is Nigh – Not!

Artificial intelligence is not all it’s cracked up to be says a neurotypical Toby Preston.

If there is a brave new world of artificial intelligence lurking on the margins of the cybersphere then I’m the coward hiding out in an analogue attic.

It’s not as if I’m a complete Luddite and digital denier, I’ve been working on a computer for the past 30 years and can’t live without a Wi-Fi connection or an iPhone hotspot as I move between my iMac and Macbook Pro. I love the international connectivity when I travel, although these days anything international is entirely restricted to my photographic memories, the locations of movies I’m catching up with and a satellite link.

I couldn’t live without Wikipedia or Google but I definitely can get by without Facebook although the reverse is obviously not the case given that it seems to know so much about me despite my presence being restricted to a picture of a deckchair. I get a constant stream of pathetic requests from Mr. Z. asking for further details about my birthplace and which educational institutions I may be an alumnus of. But he knows enough to send me an album of pictorial mementoes every year, which he has scraped from friends’ feeds – spooky! And like everyone else I am speculatively linked to a veritable forest of other people via the Facebook family tree where, while there may be no shared DNA, the reach of the social genealogy is positively scary.

So, Facebook’s intrusive presence and Google’s intuitive search engine are in fact arguments against my scepticism of AI in general, these behemoths are right across their algorithms and know how to mine the deepest data seams which result in those annoying ads popping up seemingly randomly but in fact as a result of previous searches and oogie boogie mind reading.

But it’s this sort of stuff that reassures me as to the uncertain future of AI. As it says on the box, ‘artificial intelligence’ and it is just that. Any device with actual intelligence wouldn’t keep sending me advertisements for a Ford Ranger taillight lens after I had bought the only taillight lens I’d ever needed for my ute. Likewise a shoe stretcher, how many shoe stretchers can a non-cobbler need? I imagine if I were to search for my own coffin my beneficiaries would continue to get coffin offers in perpetuity.

I was behind a woman at the supermarket checkout the other day who was having a brief contretemps with her iPhone payment software. She was becoming increasingly frustrated with Siri’s inability to complete a transaction, so she starts demanding loudly ‘Siri pay bill’ and Siri make a PAYMENT!’ Finally she gave up and tapped her card as I do, so much easier than contorting one’s wrist so that an Apple watch can be scanned or shout at your digital assistant in public. And while I don’t believe that 5G phones towers caused the COVID pandemic, I do suspect that Siri*, Alexa, Google’s digital assistant and things called Robin and Cortana do eavesdrop when you’re talking about your next holiday destination or which pasta dish you’re thinking of for dinner. It can’t be a coincidence that within minutes you’re getting ads for Santorini or Tagliatelle.

But it’s the more mundane machinations of what has been described as a ‘discrete deterministic mechanical device’ that blindly follows its instructions that convince me that AI and computer hardware have a way to go before they replace squishy little neurons and synapses. Try calling your local telco and get any sense out of that loop of tape that tries to anticipate what you may be calling about, that endlessly patient robotic voice just never really gets it and obviously the last thing any telco wants to do is actually answer a phone call which results in a total cranial detonation in my case.

And what about those web forms which refuse to accept phone numbers with spaces or dates expressed in any way other than the one they have been coded to acknowledge? I don’t know how many hours I’ve wasted trying to submit forms that deny my address or the date or my gender and almost anything else a five year-old would be able to comprehend.

But there are websites and tech entities that do understand how to make selling their product simple enough for anyone with two fingers and keyboard to get checkout satisfaction in an instant. Hello Amazon! I can download a 600-page novel to my Kindle anywhere in the world in about ten seconds with a single click. Also the streaming services like Netflix and Stan who know exactly what I am watching on any device and can resume the stream from anywhere anytime and then recommend similar programs that I may like based on what I have just watched.

The man-made mock mind has some catching up to do and it will be a while before it overtakes the genuine article – I think! * Siri was named after one of the inventor’s co-workers in Norway and means ‘beautiful woman who leads you to victory’ in Norwegian.•