PAIRS For Our Future, For Our Family Handbook

PRACTICAL SKILLS

for Successful Relationships A PAIRS CURRICULUM

PAIRS Foundation PARTICIPANT HANDBOOK English Edition

FOR OUR FUTURE For Our Future, For Our Family® A PAIRS Curriculum for Supporting Healthy Marriage Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by PAIRS Foundation, Inc. The PAIRS Foundation, Inc. 200 S. Park Road Suite 455 Hollywood, FL 33021 (877) PAIRS-4U E-mail: info@pairs.com Online at www.pairs.com Manufactured in the United States of America.

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Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

INFORMED CONSENT PAIRS is an educational program. It is not intended as therapy or treatment, or to replace therapy or treatment. The PAIRS seminars include a selection of educational, illuminating and often humorous experiences. At times, some highly charged emotional experiences may occur. The material presented in PAIRS may involve such emotions as anger or sadness or desire. These experiences are included because it is part of the stated goals of PAIRS to expand options for understanding, pleasure and intimacy so that participants may develop their range of emotions in order to increase emotional and physical intimacy with their partner. It is always the option of each individual to choose to participate in any of the exercises offered, or to choose not to participate.

The PAIRS Foundation, our officers, directors, employees, agents, contractors and/or service providers exercise no control over the actions of individual Providers in individual courses taught in whole or in part using materials provided by the PAIRS Foundation. PAIRS Foundation assumes no liability for the actions of individual Instructors.

The Provider(s) recognizes his/her/their individual liability made upon him/her/them by any participant. The manner in which the course materials are presented, and the way in which the emotions and responses elicited from participants are handled, are at the sole discretion of the individual instructor and the participant, and in no way reflect upon PAIRS and its teachings.

AGREEMENT

Participant Agreement

As a participant, I acknowledge that my experience in PAIRS, in whole or in part, may engender new perceptions and a range of emotions that at times may include uncomfortable emotions. I understand that the exercises are designed to expand perceptions and to facilitate the development of a range of emotions including pleasure, joy, love, pain, fear and anger in behalf of an enhanced capacity for empathy and mutual understanding. At times, I may experience uncomfortable, as well as pleasurable, feelings. I voluntarily choose to participate in this program, and I agree to hold the PAIRS Foundation and the Provider(s) of the PAIRS programs in which I participate harmless against any claims related to my experience in the PAIRS program. I understand that the instructor may audio or video tape class lectures, which may be submitted to PAIRS Foundation for quality and/or research purposes. Such audio or video tapes will not identify participants in any way.

I clearly understand that it is always my choice as to whether to participate in the experiences offered.

CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT I understand that PAIRS is a private and personal experience for each participant. As such, I agree to respect the confidentiality of all participants and their remarks and actions, and I agree to keep all such information private and confidential. I am also aware that PAIRS is protected by copyright, and cannot be reproduced, copied, stored electronically or otherwise duplicated or distributed without the express written permission of PAIRS Foundation. I agree not to violate this copyright.

DECLARATION AND PROMISE (AGREEMENT) I declare that I have read and understand all of the information on this information form: that all of my responses are accurate and true to the best of my knowledge; and that I have read and understand the Informed Consent and Confidentiality Agreement and agree to abide by the terms of both.

PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY AND PROVIDE ALL REQUESTED INFORMATION:

Signature

Date

Class City/State

PAIRS Instructor

Last Name

First Name

Middle

Title

Email Address

Daytime Phone

Evening Phone

Street Address

City, State

ZIP Code

Please complete and return to your PAIRS Instructor before first class: PAIRS Foundation, 200 S. Park Road, Suite 455, Hollywood, Florida 33021 Toll-Free: (877) PAIRS-4U : Email: info@pairs.com : Web: www.pairs.com

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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FOR OUR FUTURE

course outline For Our Future, For Our Family

Units Introduction (pages 3-9)

PAIRS Materials Core Program Participant Agreement....................................................................................................3 Course Outline.................................................................................................. 5 Welcome Letters ............................................................................................... 6 Session 1 ...................................................................................................... 10 Introduction to SHM ......................................................................................... 10 Levels of Learning ............................................................................................ 12 Stages of Relationship ...................................................................................... 13 The Relationship Road Map (RRM).......................................................................14 Three Hopes/ Three Fears...............................................................................16 Daily Temperature Reading (DTR) ....................................................................... 18

Unit One (pages 10-53)

Session 2 ..................................................................................................... 22 Welcome Back (DTR).......................................................................................... 22 Good Will: Umbrella of Protection for Marriage .................................................... 24 Communication Stress Styles.............................................................................. 25 Relationship Road Map II ................................................................................... 29 Session 3 ..................................................................................................... 34 Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) ............................................................................... 34 PAIRS Invitation Rule ........................................................................................ 36 Shared Meaning: Listening to Understand .......................................................... 37 PAIRS Talking Tips ........................................................................................... 38 Session 4 ...................................................................................................... 44 Welcome Back (DTR) ......................................................................................... 44 Mind Reading ................................................................................................. 47 Dirty Fighting Worksheet .................................................................................. 48 Time Out Tip.................................................................................................... 49 Session 5 ..................................................................................................... 54 Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) ............................................................................... 54 The Emotional Jug (Empty the Jug) ................................................................... 57 Caring BehaviorsWorksheet............................................................................... 61

Unit Two (pages 54-79)

Session 6 .................................................................................................... 64 Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) ............................................................................... 64 Good Talking and Good Listening ..................................................................... 66 Fair Fight for Change ........................................................................................ 68 Past Hurts and Past Joys (Talking Tips) .................................................................. 74

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course outline For Our Future, For Our Family

Units

PAIRS Materials Core Program Session 7 ................................................................................................... 80 Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) ............................................................................ 80 Emotional Stages of Development .................................................................. 83 Powergram - Who Decides? - Decision Making Worksheet...................................... 84 Empty the Jug on Past Decision . ..................................................................... 85

Session 8 .................................................................................................. 90 Welcome Back (DTR) ...................................................................................... 90

Unit Three (pages 80-105)

Managing Money Worksheet............................................................................ 92 FFFCH - Money or Time Spent Together ............................................................ 93 Some Conflicts in Marriage.- Money & Time ....................................................... 95

Session 9 .................................................................................................. 98 Welcome Back (DTR).. .................................................................................... 98 Effective Decision Making & Conflict Resolution .............................................. 100 Resolving Issues (TT –Power Struggles) .......................................................... 101 FFFC - Parenting & Co-Parenting .................................................................... 102

Session 10 ................................................................................................ 106 Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) .......................................................................... 106 Love Knots / Untangling Love Knots .............................................................. 108

Unit Four (pages 106-131)

Boundaries, Jealousy (TT- Jealousy) ............................................................... 114 Forgiveness (Letting Go of Grudges) .............................................................. 116 Session 11 ............................................................................................... 122 Welcome Back (DTR) .................................................................................... 122 Emotional Memory & Emotional Allergy Negative Loop ................................. 124 Confiding an Emotional Allergy (TT) ............................................................. 125 Transforming the Emotional Allergy Loop ....................................................... 128

Unit Five (pages 132-143)

Session 12 ............................................................................................... 132 Identifying Support Network ........................................................................ 135 PAIRS Tool Kit.............................................................................................. 138 Preventive Maintenance Checklist ................................................................ 141

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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FOR OUR FUTURE

Introduction to for our future, for our family INTRODUCTION BY VIRGINIA SATIR “In a world where equality between human beings is generally not practiced and maybe not known, the material contained in PAIRS is a truly significant, pioneering effort.”

As we moved into the 20th century, we arrived with a very clearly prescribed way that males and females in marriage were to behave with one another. The man was the undisputed head of and authority in the family; he was to provide for and protect his wife and children.

The woman’s role was to obey her husband, take care of him, take charge of the house, bear and take care of the children and be responsible for setting the emotional tone in the family. She was also responsible for the sexual fidelity of the home. In the marriage vows of the time, Virginia Satir (1918 - 1988) was the first women pledged to love, honor and obey; men only had to honorary chair of PAIRS Foudation. love and cherish their wives.

Excerpted from her original introduction to the first PAIRS Handbook, 1983.

The pattern of the relationship between husband and wife was that of the dominant male and submissive female. Society of that day only gave recognition and status to those who married. Others, who did not marry, especially women, were considered misfits and were objects of pity and sometimes scorn. As a result, women scrambled to get married; to be respectable, a woman had to have a Mrs. in her name.

A new era has since dawned. This began when women attained the right to vote in 1920. That gave them control over their lives. Slowly, states began to liberalize divorce laws as well. There had always been divorce possible under the grounds of adultery, insanity and desertion; now, they were being extended to neglect and abuse.

During World War II, much of the work formerly done by men was successfully done by women.

This gave women a new sense of confidence. They learned they could be successful heads of families themselves. When the men returned from war, the climate of relationships had changed, and women were no longer willing to be submissive.

The women’s rights’ movement emerged soon thereafter. The end of the dominant/submissive model in relationships was in sight. However, there was very little that had developed to replace the old pattern; couples floundered. New forms for the new values had not yet emerged, and the old ones were no longer acceptable.

The aim was to develop a new kind of equality, based on equal value of each person. Old role definitions were no longer appropriate and chaos was setting in. Retrospectively, one could have expected that there would be a lot of chaos and a lot of fall-out. The change from the dominant/ submissive model to one of equality is a monumental shift. We are learning how a relationship based on genuine feelings of equality can operate practically.

“PAIRS” is a splendid preparation toward enabling couples to develop new satisfying patterns of relationship based on high self-worth for each one. The program of PAIRS touches all the significant variables in the marital relationship. PAIRS emerged out of several hundred seminars with ordinary couples who wanted to reshape their patterns of relationship. PAIRS is the outcome of the experiences of those couples.

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Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

INTRODUCTION imagine the possibilities Congratulations, and Welcome to PAIRS! Your PAIRS experience will introduce you to a treasure chest of tools that have helped thousands of people create, nurture, restore, and rekindle relationships that are the very foundation of our lives.

Over the past quarter century, PAIRS Foundation’s unwavering determination to improving the lives of children by helping their parents build and sustain healthy, loving, joyous relationships has enabled us to develop, research and refine many of the world’s premier training programs.

This newly revised handbook reflects lessons learned, best practices, and quality management processes that emerged out of extensive multi-year research with thousands of diverse men and women in all stages of relationship who participated in PAIRS classes. For the far majority of individuals and couples who arrive at their first PAIRS program with good will and openness to learning, PAIRS consistently delivers research-validated skills that provide enduring benefits.

We are grateful to each of you who participate in PAIRS. Your faith, courage and commitment is an inspiration to all of us whose lives are dedicated to making PAIRS widely available on behalf of our longstanding vision for a “safer, saner, more loving world.”

We are eager to know about your personal experience in PAIRS. Shortly after your first PAIRS class, you will receive an e-mail survey from PAIRS Foundation inviting you to tell us about your experience.

After you return the survey, you will receive several special editions of PAIRS Love Notes, our electronic newsletter, full with articles, news, links and valuable supplemental information to enhance and reinforce the lessons and tools you will explore in PAIRS. Please also stay in touch with us via our blog and website at www.pairs.com.

Congratulations again on your decision to enroll in PAIRS. We are grateful for the opportunity to share this work with you and very much hope the experience will meet your highest expectations.

All good wishes,

Seth D. Eisenberg President and CEO

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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FOR OUR FUTURE

Ground Rules

1. We must respect each other’s privacy. Anything discussed in this group is confidential.

Confidential means not sharing or discussing any information learned about others in the group with anyone other than your partner.

2. Sharing with others in the group is voluntary. When doing class activities, you can choose to say and express whatever feelings you have. You can also choose to remain silent. Your silence will be respected.

3. Speak only for yourself, not your partner. One way to remember this is to make “I” statements rather than “we” statements. An example is that it is okay to say, “I feel” or “I think” but not “We believe…think…feel…”

4. When sharing about your couple relationship, check it out with your partner first.

Checking it out with your partner before sharing something personal about your relationship demonstrates respect for your partner, just in case they feel uncomfortable about having the information shared in the group.

5. A goal of the group is to feel safe, to learn and to have fun. This group experience is unique and is designed so that you experience with your partner a sense of community that is shared with others in the group. It is through this experience of community that your relationship will strengthen.

6. Be respectful and considerate of others. Please turn off your cell phones during class. At times of need it may be necessary that you be reached via your cell phone. Please, at these times, put your cell phone on vibrate and kindly take the call outside of the room.

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Notes and reflections -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness - that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it, finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined.�

- Bertrand Russell

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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FOR OUR FUTURE

Unit One - Session 1 Understanding Marriage Welcome and Introduction to Supporting Healthy Marriage (20-30 Minutes) An opportunity to hear more about the goals of the SHM program and meet other couples, just like you, who have the opportunity to enhance their marriage.

The Relationship Road Map (RRM) (15-20 Minutes) Provides a visual illustration to help us understand the choices each of us has in our attitudes and behaviors which can lead us to feelings of satisfaction or dissatisfaction giving us a sense of pain or pleasure in our marriage.

Three Hopes and Three Fears (5-10 Minutes) To become aware of possible hopes and fears you may have unknowingly expected or expect to experience with your partner.

Daily Temperature Reading (DTR) (30-40 Minutes) A tool designed to enhance your ability to confide in each other, build selfesteem, and encourage intimacy.

Closing Go-Round (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in the session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To introduce participants to the PAIRS Supporting Healthy Marriage (SHM) program For Our Future, For Our Family and to explain how the program could benefit participants’ marriages and families.

• To provide a vision for the marital journey using the concept of the Relationship Road Map. • To make participants aware of concepts and skills in communication that can help them develop strong marriages and strong families.

SESSION ONE

KEY GOALS

• To make participants aware of hidden expectations in their marriage partner.

• To provide participants with a tool for communicating and confiding thoughts and feelings.

TOPICS AND TOOLS

Session One

• Introduction to SHM • Levels of Learning • Stages of Relationship • The Relationship Road Map (RRM) • Three Hopes and Three Fears • Daily Temperature Reading (DTR)

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FOR OUR FUTURE

levels of learning

Unconscious Competence

( I know it and do it; it is a habit. )

Conscious Competence

( I am learning. )

Conscious Incompetence

Unconscious Incompetence

( I know what I don’t know. )

( I don’t know what I don’t know. )

Notes

When learning something new, we all start out in a stage of UNCONSCIOUS

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------INCOMPETENCE: we don’t know what we don’t know. A goal of PAIRS is to reach the ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------stage of UNCONSCIOUS COMPETENCE, where the skills you learn become habits.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Learning about relationship dynamics and the attitudes and skills that contribute to ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------successful relationships will help you become aware that there may be things you’re doing ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------— or not doing — that are preventing you from experiencing the level of love, connection ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and fulfillment you most want.

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SESSION ONE

stages of relationship

ILLUSION Illusion - that we are in love and we hope that everything will be fine. We are looking for what is right, and finding it. And then something happens, and we are disappointed - what we hoped would happen is not happening and we feel…

DISILLUSION Disillusion - We begin to look for what is wrong, and we find that. As that happens, we use whatever we know to try to get what we want. This often leads to the POWER STRUGGLE. Each one tries the best ways they know to get what they want - which are often variations of the STRESS STYLES and “DIRTY FIGHTING” as compared to FAIR FIGHTING -- This becomes a period of …

CONFUSION Confusion - of what is wrong, of how do I change it - and anger, pain and disappointment leak out in a variety of ways, such as blame, sarcasm, labeling, name calling, withholding, the silent treatment, etc. all of which lead to a …

CONCLUSION Conclusion - that often becomes despair, the end of intimacy and trust and confiding and joy.

Or you open yourself to learn the skills to deal with conflict fairly and non-destructively and with good will - so you don’t need to lose each other.

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FOR OUR FUTURE

The relationship road map - pain to pleasure

Notes

Biologically-Based Needs: Air, Food, Water, Shelter and Bonding. When needs are unmet,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------life is experienced on the PAIN side of the Road Map, including feelings of dis-ease (which ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------can turn to disease), distress, distrust, UNHAPPINESS, pain, danger (which is the anticipation ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------of pain), fear and anger. Bonding (the unique combination of emotional openness and ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------physical closeness), is the only biologically-based need that we can’t meet by ourselves. We ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------need another person.

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SESSION ONE

BONDING AND THE RELATIONSHIP ROAD MAP

Session One

Notes

Loving marriages are characterized by positive/constructive attitudes, behaviors, and

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------communication styles. Couples who are close often confide in each other and are physically -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------affectionate through touching, holding, and hugging. Couples who show these behaviors -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------become bonded, or connected, to each other. Bonding is an important need that we all have -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------as human beings. It is also the only human need we cannot meet by ourselves.

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FOR OUR FUTURE

Three hopes

1

All the good things I ever wanted in my life, I will find with you.

2

All the good things I had, I will keep.

3

All the upsetting, unhappy things that happened to me before, will NOT happen with you.

Reflections What are some of the hopes and dreams you have for your life together?

What are the good things in your life that you want to keep?

What are some of the upsetting, unhappy things that happened to you before that you don’t want to experience again?

What are you getting that you do want?

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1

Good things I hoped for will not or are not happening.

2

Good things I had, I will or I am losing.

3

Upsetting, hurtful things that happened before are happening again with you.

SESSION ONE

Three fears

Reflections What do you want that you are not getting?

Session One

What are you getting that you don’t want?

What are you giving that you don’t want to give?

What would you like to give to your partner, if only things were better between you?

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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FOR OUR FUTURE

DAILY TEMPERATURE READING

Notes

Think of the DTR as a conversation you will be having that takes five steps. At first, you may -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------feel a little clumsy taking these steps. Like learning a new dance, getting comfortable with -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------doing a DTR takes practice. Each of the next classes will begin with a DTR to check in with -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------everyone to find out how things are going and if there are any concerns anyone might be -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------having about the curriculum or workshop activities.

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Daily Temperature Reading: APPRECIATIONS: Tell the other person something that you like or appreciate about him or her. Accept anything nice the other person says about you. Say, “Thanks!” or “You’re welcome!” Examples are:

Thank you for your help with (the laundry) yesterday.

I had fun walking to the park with you.

Thanks for helping me get my work done yesterday.

SESSION ONE

“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet”

NEW INFORMATION: Tell the other person something that has happened. You don’t have to cover everything, but you need to talk about things that are important or interesting to you.

These things show the other person what is going on in your life. Also, be sure to mention things that have some connection with the other person. Examples are:

I have a new schedule at work next week.

I got some bad news about my mother today….

My car is making a noise and might need repair.

I wondered what you meant when you told Bob that your boss was “getting to you.”

I was wondering why you didn’t show up at the party.

I keep thinking about how we are going to pay the utility bill this winter when we had trouble doing so last winter.

Session One

PUZZLES/QUESTIONS: Talk about the things that you don’t understand. Some may be things that the other person said (or did not say) or did (or did not do). Don’t share any concerns yet. Right now, you are trying to get more information. You may also bring up things that you are trying to figure out for yourself, or a problem you are having at work, in the community, or with a friend. Examples are:

WISHES, HOPES, DREAMS: What we hope for in our lives is very important to us, and our partner may be able to help make it happen! But how can our partner help if he/she doesn’t even know what it is? Talk about something in the near or far future that you would like for yourself, your partner, or your relationship. Examples are:

I am looking forward to our trip next weekend to visit my grandmother.

I hope you can show me how to use that new computer program.

I think it would be great if we could someday paint our bedroom together.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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FOR OUR FUTURE

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

What are you becoming aware of?

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Some key elements for a successful marriage include: 1. Clear Communication 2. Physical Affection 3. Self-Awareness and Understanding 4. Trust and Commitment

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What did you discover today?

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SESSION ONE

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Session One

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Departing Tip of the Day: During the coming week, continue to practice using the Daily Temperature Reading with your partner. Appreciate yourself for taking this journey towards a healthy, happy relationship!

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FOR OUR FUTURE

Unit One - SESSION 2 Communication Styles Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes) A time for everyone, if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and begin sharing stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Begin group confiding with the use of the DTR.

Good Will: The Umbrella of Protection for Your Marriage (20-30 Minutes) Introducing the concept that adopting an attitude of ‘good will’ will help protect your marriage and correct or prevent future problems in your relationships.

Understanding Stress (20-35 Minutes) The goal is to help understand the ways in which stress affects all relationships, not only with your partner and family, but also people you work with and have a relationship with in the community.

Identifying Our Communication Stress Styles (50-60 Minutes) To recognize behavior patterns in ourselves and in others that keeps us disconnected and alienated from others when we are under stress.

Closing Go-Round (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in the session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To introduce the concept that there are certain attitudes and behaviors which protect the marital relationship. These include commitment, good communication skills, and a willingness to change behavior for the sake of your partner and to establish a caring relationship.

• To introduce the concept that personal stress can have a negative impact on marriage and family relationships.

SESSION TWO

key goals

• To identify the patterns of communication that result from the negative impact of stress. To learn how these patterns hurt our confidence and self-esteem and ultimately hurt our relationships.

• Welcome Back (DTR) • Good Will: Umbrella of Protection for Marriage • Understanding Stress (Journal)

Session Two

TOPICS AND TOOLS

• Identifying Communication Stress Styles

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FOR OUR FUTURE

the Good will Umbrella

Notes

Maintaining good will in your marriage and family is like having an umbrella to protect against -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------a rainy day! Decide on one of the 4 C’s (Communication, Commitment, Caring, Change) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------you would like to work on in the next week to improve the amount of Good Will in your -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------relationship. If you think you may be experiencing low Good Will, use the DTR more often to -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------help strengthen your feeling of connection with each other.

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SESSION TWO

Virginia satir’s stress styles of communication

Session Two

Notes

Under stress, the PLACATER cancels out their own thoughts, feelings and needs, is eager -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to please, and has a hard time saying ‘no.’ Inside, the PLACATER can feel taken for granted -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and build up resentment towards other people. Under stress, the BLAMER believes the best -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------defense is a good offense. This communication style is one where the other person’s needs -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and feelings are not taken into account. For the BLAMER, it is “all about me!” Inside, the -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BLAMER feels lonely because often no one wants to be around him/her. BLAMERS are -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------often angry because they anticipate not getting what they want, including approval.

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FOR OUR FUTURE

placater, blamer, computer, distracter

Notes

Under stress, the COMPUTER is the calm, cool and very reasonable one. The computer --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------expresses no feelings and so it is difficult for them to get their needs met. The COMPUTER --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------is careful to choose the right words and prefers to avoid mistakes. Inside, the COMPUTER --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------decides, “I will not share my feelings and I don’t know what to do with your feelings either.” The --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------DISTRACTER ignores everything….the feelings and the problem. With the DISTRACTER, --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------you may notice avoidance of direct eye contact and direct answers, as well as, changes to --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------the subject being talked about. Inside, the DISTRACTER feels frightened, confused and --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------distrustful, and believes: “I don’t know what to do.”

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SESSION TWO

run, freeze, or fight

Session Two

Notes

How often has your “style” of communication become more of an issue than the issue -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------itself? While each of us may have a primary style, we may have different styles in different -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------relationships and situations. It’s not uncommon to be in one style and then suddenly in -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------another, depending on the issue or your partner’s reaction. When communicating in these -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------stress styles, ask yourself: How familiar does each style feel? How does one style feel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------compared to the others? Do you feel heard? Do you feel understood? How do you feel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------towards yourself? How do you feel towards your partner? Each of these styles create -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------emotional distance instead of closeness and understanding.

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FOR OUR FUTURE

Communication Stress Styles Role-Playing

Style # 1 ........................................................................................................................ ........................................................................................................................

Style # 2 ....................................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................................

Style # 3 ........................................................................................................................ ........................................................................................................................

Style # 4 ........................................................................................................................ ........................................................................................................................

Notes

In every communication, there are three elements: your thoughts, feelings, desires, and --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------perspective; the other person’s thoughts, feelings, desires, and perspective; and the problem/ --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------issue. Each communication stress style is different based on these factors.

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SESSION TWO

stress styles keep us stuck on pain side

Session Two

Notes

The Placater and Distracter run away by cancelling out their own feelings and -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------needs. The Distracter, like the Computer, can also be a way of freezing - like a -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------deer caught in the headlights, not knowing what to do with feelings so pretending they don’t -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------exist. Blamers fight, often needlessly escalating conflict and creating distance. All of these -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------styles will keep us stuck on the PAIN side of the Relationship Road Map. The “Emotional -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Openness” aspect of Bonding means learning to level with each other with empathy, maturity, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and a desire for the relationship to win. Each style also has some positive aspects. Can you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------identify them?

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FOR OUR FUTURE

THE LEVELING STYLE

Session Two

Notes

The leveler uses a style of communication that communicates what one is thinking, feeling, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and acting in a way that all fits together. The leveler is the most desired communication -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------style but it is not the way most of us communicate all the time. When we use the leveling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------style, all communication—words, feelings, and thoughts—is going in the same direction.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This leveling communication style demonstrates that the way you sound, the way you look, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and what you say all fit with what you are feeling inside!

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The Placater has the capacity to be sensitive, loving, caring and to have empathy for their partner, not out of fear but because they want their partner to be happy.

The Blamer has the capacity to be assertive, to speak on their behalf without demolishing their partner.

The Computer has the ability to analyze, problem solve, and plan while taking into consideration both theirs and their partner’s feelings.

SESSION TWO

“Reminders & Tool kit Tip Sheet”

The Distracter has the capacity to have fun, to balance pleasure and responsibilities in order to say, “I’m not going to deal with that right now because I want to enjoy myself. I can deal with it tomorrow—and I will.”

Effective communication uses the strengths of each communication style to: Ask for what you want.

Be caring and considerate of other people.

Stay focused on the problem.

Take time out for fun.

The Leveler

Session Two

The leveler uses a style of communication that communicates what one is thinking, feeling, and acting in a way that all fits together.

The leveling style of communication includes the positive parts of the other four communication styles.

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FOR OUR FUTURE

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

1. How did each style feel to you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------2. What did it feel like to act out these styles?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3. What styles felt familiar to you? Who do you know who uses these styles?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------4. Which style feels most like the style you use?

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What is one thing you will take away with you from today’s session?

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SESSION TWO

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Session Two

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Departing Tip of the Day: Keep good will in your relationship, and be respectful of each other’s thoughts and feelings.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit One - Session 3 Communication skills 1 Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes)

A time for everyone if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR.

PAIRS Invitation Rule (20-30 Minutes)

A ground rule for using all of the PAIRS tools. Using this tool demonstrates respect for each partner and builds trust in your relationship.

Shared Meaning: Listening to Understand (30-45 Minutes)

An introduction to the Shared Meaning tool. A learned skill which is not only listening to your partner, but ‘Listening to Understand’ what your partner is really trying to tell you. Fully understanding our partner increases our empathy and compassion.

Introduction to Talking Tips (40-50 Minutes)

A tool which will enhance your ability to share thoughts and feelings in a structured manner. The structure of the Talking Tips tool follows the path of the PAIRS Relationship Road Map, in that it provides a process to bring you from feelings of ‘pain to pleasure’, allowing greater awareness and appreciation of your partner.

Closing (10-15 Minutes)

An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To establish relationship ground rules that enhance respect and trust.

• To build empathy and understanding by using the Shared Meaning method and tool.

• To strengthen intimacy and connection through effective listening and confiding skills.

SESSION THREE

KEY GOALS

TOPICS AND TOOLS • Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) • PAIRS Invitation Rule

• Introduction to Talking Tips (TT Guide)

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

Session Three

• Shared Meaning: Listening to Understand

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PAIRS Invitation rule

“I wou ld like to invi te you to liste n to me as I share my thou ghts and feeli ngs abou t ….”

“I wan t to use the ___ ___Tool.”

“Is this a good time for you? ”

Notes The PAIRS Invitation rule recognizes that each person has the right to decide about ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------participating in exercises at any given time. PAIRS tools work best when both people choose ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to participate with good will as was introduced in the last session.The PAIRS Invitation Rule ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------is: Always invite your partner to use or practice any of the tools; do not force/impose a skill ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------on your partner.

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Speaker ‘invites’ partner, “Will you do a shared meaning with me?” “Is this a good time for you?”

Speaker begins speaking using short sentences and pausing regularly, so your partner can more easily repeat back what they heard. The Listener must stop the Speaker if they cannot remember more than one sentence spoken by their partner.

Listeners’ job is to try to understand and to show caring for your partner’s feelings.

SESSION THREE

shared meANing

Listener will repeat back what the Speaker has said. Repeating what your partner has said shows empathy, but does not mean you agree with their statement.

Speaker, thank your partner for listening and show a sign of appreciation.

Session Three

Then the Listener will ask the Speaker, “Is there more you want to say”?

Notes Shared Meaning is defined by a willingness to listen to what your partner is trying to say and -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------what they may be feeling. When you are in the listening role, you should try to imagine being -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------in your partner’s shoes. The ability to understand what another person is thinking or feeling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------is called empathy. Sometimes we can confuse sympathy with empathy. Sympathy is feeling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------sorry for someone’s suffering or problem; empathy is understanding without judgment or -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------criticism about what another person is feeling.

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Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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pairs talking tips

Notes Talking Tips tool helps the speaker clarify a problem, address assumptions and describe ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------various feelings about an issue. This tool is used as a speaker’s exercise to share upsetting ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------situations in the past or present without your partner being able to respond to what you are ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------saying.

Just hearing the speaker share their story using this tool helps to build empathy and ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------compassion in the listener or present without your partner being able to respond to what you ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------are saying. Just hearing the speaker share their story using this tool helps to build empathy ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and compassion in the listener.

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An example is: I notice that you are yelling at the children a whole lot today.

I assume you are really angry with me.

I think you are upset with me about what I said about your mother this morning.

I am frustrated by the way you talk to the kids when you are angry.

SESSION THREE

talking tips example

I resent that you have not used the parenting tips we talked about last week.

I am hurt that you don’t tell me when I upset you.

I want you to be able to come to me with your thoughts and feelings.

I appreciate you for telling me about what happened with your mother.

I realize I should have been more caring when I told you my opinion about your mother.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

Session Three

I worry about you keeping too much inside rather than telling me what is on your mind.

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“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet” The PAIRS Invitation Rule The use of this tool acknowledges that each person has the right to decide about participating in exercises at any given time. PAIRS tools work best when both people choose to participate with good will.

Always invite your partner to use or practice any of the tools; do not force/impose a skill on your partner.

Some examples are: Would you be willing to listen to me as I talk about what happened with my mother today? Is this a good time for you?

Is now a good time for you to do the Daily Temperature Reading with me?

Inviting your partner to participate in an exercise is a sign of respect. No one likes to be told what to do. No one responds well to demands for attention.

By showing respect for your partner, good will and trust will grow in your relationship.

Shared Meaning – Listening To Understand When you are in the listening role, you should try to imagine being in your partner’s shoes. The ability to understand what another person is thinking or feeling is called empathy. Sometimes we can confuse sympathy with empathy. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone’s suffering or problem; empathy is understanding without judgment or criticism about what another person is feeling.

Notes

Make sure you have enough time to give your undivided attention, which should be a minimum ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------of 10-15 minutes. If you are the speaker, use short sentences that your partner can repeat ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------back easily.

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1. If you are the listener repeat what you think you heard your partner say without exaggerating, using comments or giving advice.

2. Repeat back the words you heard your partner say word for word (parroting).

3. Summarize what you think you heard your partner say (paraphrasing).

4. The speaker starts sentences with “I”; the listener responds with “what I hear you saying is…”

SESSION THREE

“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet” ContINUEd

5. Use non-verbal cues such as nodding your head and making eye contact to show you are listening and that you understand.

Talking Tips Tool The PAIRS Talking Tips tool helps the speaker clarify the problem, address assumptions and describe various feelings about an issue. There are ten steps to the basic Talking Tips tool.

The speaker completes each of the sentence stems by saying the stem and then finishing it with what comes to mind. The listener repeats back as best as possible after each sentence stem, what they think they heard their partner say.

Session Three

6. Validate your partner’s thoughts and feelings. To validate means to give your stamp of approval or acknowledgement. You let your partner know that you understand the problem, feelings, and/or issues involved. Remember that the listener’s job is to help the partner feel understood. Your job as the listener is not to agree, comment, judge, or try to fix the problem.

• When the speaker is using the Talking Tips guide, it is important that the listener does not attack their partner, use put-downs, or change the subject.

• The listener’s responsibility: The listener uses Shared Meaning with empathy and validates what his/her partner is thinking and feeling.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

What was most meaningful for you in today’s session?

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SESSION THREE

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Session Three

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Departing Tip of the Day: Remember to face your partner when speaking and allow yourself undistracted time. Then listen to hear your partner’s thoughts and feelings with empathy and understanding.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit One - Session 4 Communication skills 2 Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes) A time for everyone, if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR.

Mind Reading (30-45 Minutes) This is an exercise to create awareness of destructive habits in communication, and specifically to explore negative beliefs and assumptions that you may have about one another.

Dirty Fighting Worksheet (40-45 Minutes) To introduce you to four negative communication styles that, when used, often causes conflict, resentment and frustration to grow in relationships.

Time Out Tip (10-15 Minutes) A tool to stop Dirty Fighting. When used with good will, this tool will help you or your partner to calm down when you may be too upset to deal with conflict constructively.

Closing (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

• To increase awareness of destructive habits in communication and to explore negative beliefs and assumptions that partners have about one another.

• To introduce the concept of ‘Dirty Fighting’ to help couples identify patterns of behavior and communication that escalate conflict rather than promote problem-solving.

• To provide a tool to help people handle conflict in a healthy way.

Session Four

TOPICS AND TOOLS

SESSION FOUR

KEY GOALS

• Welcome Back (DTR) • Mind Reading • Dirty Fighting Worksheet • Time Out Tip

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Daily Temperature Reading

This is the first time you will be asked to do the Complaints with Request for Change. This is an opportunity to tell your partner not only what is bothering you, but what you would like to have happen, see, or hear in the future.

Your partner only needs to hear you say what this is; they are not obliged to comply.

If something bothers you, say what it is. At the same time, suggest something better that you can do instead. A concern is easier to take when you offer a solution! Use “I” talk instead of “you” talk. Be specific. Don’t attack the other person for something vague like, “You were a jerk running out on me like that!” Instead say how you felt about the situation and what you think would help. Be sure to identify the specific behavior that bothers you. Two examples are: “I felt uncomfortable when you left me alone with Mark. I would prefer it if you would stick around the next time we are all together. I like it much better when you stay with me when we are with Mark and your other friends.”

“Often when I hear you telling the kids what to do it seems like you are yelling at them. When I hear you raise your voice, it reminds me of my father.

I would feel better if you could be gentler in your approach to them. ” 46

Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

SESSION FOUR

mind Reading

“I have an assumption about ….

May I read your mind to see if it is correct?”

Partner’s Answer:.................................. .............................................................. ..............................................................

“I think that you think…”

(Say the assumption you have) Partner’s Answer:.................................. .............................................................. ..............................................................

Then the partner says whether you were right in your assumption, or whether your expectation was right. If not, your partner can give you the “correct” information or explanation.

Session Four

“I expect that you would...” (Say what you expect would have happened).

Partner’s Answer:.................................. .............................................................. ..............................................................

Notes

The Mind Reading exercise is a fun way to check out whether your assumptions or expectations ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------are actually true.

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Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Dirty Fighting Worksheet Pick the style listed that fits for you or your partner and place a check (√) mark in the appropriate column.

What I do.

What My Partner does.

What my Partner will say I do.

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Fighting Style

Example of Control Style

BULLYING

“I’ll show you who’s boss around here if you keep that up.”

BLAMING

“This wouldn’t have happened if you’d thought of someone else besides yourself.”

ACCUSING

“Your eyes never left him once during dinner.”

EXAGGERATING

“You say that “all” the time.”

SARCASM

“That dress would look really nice on you if it was the right size.”

THREATENING

“Keep up that behavior and I will leave!

IGNORING

“I really don’t have time for that right now.”

LAUGHING AT

“Did you see the funny look those people gave you with that old shirt you have on.”

PUT DOWNS

“You seemed so confused when he asked you that simple question.”

LYING

“I never really said that I liked ice cream.”

Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

• Feeling overwhelmed, signal a Time-Out. • Say:

“I need a TIME-OUT.”

• State the amount of time you need.

(20 – 40 minutes) • Move to separate spaces; No parting words or gestures.

SESSION FOUR

time-out tip

• No drugs or alcohol.

• Do something physical – play basketball, take a walk, clean the kitchen; play a game with the kids. Think about something positive- a pleasant time spent with the children, a hobby you enjoy.

• Offer some expression of good will. (“Thanks for your cooperation, I needed that”) • Return to issues, perhaps using the PAIRS Shared Meaning tool.

• Some sign of affection at conclusion of the discussion.

Session Four

• Person who called the Time-Out returns to partner at the time previously stated.

• Repeat steps if emotional arousal returns.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet”

Mind Reading: Mind Reading is about making assumptions or having beliefs about what other people, often your partner, are thinking or feeling. Even though it is often done by all of us, be aware that many problems, fights, and even breakups can occur in relationships because we assume things that aren’t really true.

Always use the PAIRS Invitation Rule before asking your partner to ‘read their mind’.

Dirty Fighting: Our negative patterns of behavior can be attacking or passive. Dirty Fighting uses communication tactics that are ineffective and can even be very destructive to our relationship. When we feel attacked by our partner or others, we naturally respond using defensive behavior unless we have learned communication tools to help us in these situations.

When Dirty Fighting starts, neither person is open to solving the problem.

Dirty Fighting will keep both people on the Pain side of the Relationship Road Map. Connecting by being physically close and emotionally open is not possible while either partner is doing Dirty Fighting.

Time-Out Tip Time Out is a tool that can reduce and prevent the destructive Dirty Fighting that results from anger flare-ups. It is important because it allows you time to calm down before talking again. Calming down is important because when you are calm you can think more clearly and better understand and communicate with your partner. When we become upset our emotions can hijack our thinking before we speak. Remember: we feel before we think.

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The Time Out tool will work best if both partners resort to making an agreement to use it when they are upset and dirty fighting. When the agreement is made to use the tool the partner who is not calling the Time Out must ‘Stop’ the communication even though they do not feel upset. The importance of using the Time Out signal is to protect the relationship. Both must agree that when the Time Out signal is given, they will immediately stop arguing and take time to calm down.

Most people need 20 – 40 minutes to calm down when they are upset or angry; however, a partner could take up to 24 hours in length if needed, but no more.

Next, the person who called the Time Out returns to their partner at the agreed-upon time. Then an expression of good will and a desire to return directly to the issue is begun. Perhaps starting over at this point would be a good idea. You may begin with a hug, and even an apology, if possible.

Remember you can also use a PAIRS For Our Future tool, like Talking Tips, if needed.

Session Four

Instructions: Partners immediately separate and no last words or parting gestures are given. During this Time Out, do not use drugs or alcohol. Use the time to calm yourself by doing something physical, like playing basketball, taking a walk or cleaning the kitchen. Think about something positive: a hobby you like, a pleasant time spent with the children. Do not rehash what was said or plan out your attack for when you return.

SESSION FOUR

“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet” ContINUEd

Your goal is getting back to the issue after calming down, which promotes good will for you and your partner. Using the Time Out in this way also reinforces positive behavior and helps you make a healthy communication change.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

What new awarenesses do you have of the assumptions and/or hidden --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------expectations that interfere with clear communications?

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SESSION FOUR

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Session Four

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Departing Tip of the Day: Remember that change takes time! What is important is having good will and the willingness to make a commitment to change. Practicing your newly learned skills and tools will help improve your relationship over time.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit two - Session 5 Connecting & Confiding I - Understanding Emotions Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes)

A time for everyone if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR. The Emotional Jug (30-45 Minutes)

A concept and visual image to help understand emotions and how they work. Emptying the Emotional Jug will be an expression you will learn which means to convey your feelings in a constructive and healthy manner.

The Love Bank (20-30 Minutes)

To learn ways to nurture and express your feelings of love for your partner and to identify ways in which you feel loved by your partner.

Caring Behaviors Worksheet (35-40 Minutes)

A tool to help strengthen positive feelings between you and your partner and increase good will in your relationship.

Closing (10-15 Minutes)

An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To understand the need to express the range of our emotions for a loving and satisfying relationship. To provide a tool for Emptying the Jug. • To define the Love Bank and to help couples learn the importance of making regular deposits.

• To provide a tool to identify and request Caring Behaviors that when performed provide a sense of feeling cared about.

SESSION FIVE

KEY GOALS

TOPICS AND TOOLS

Session Five

• Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) • The Emotional Jug (Empty the Jug) • The Love Bank • Caring Behaviors Worksheet

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Relationship Road Map # 4

fa Notes

Learning to connect and confide with your partner by checking out assumptions, Emptying the

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jug, and stopping any Dirty Fighting behaviors can help you get to the Pleasure side.

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SESSION FIVE

Emotional Jug

Session Five

ax Notes

The Emotional Jug is a way to think about emotions/feelings. Imagine pouring all of your

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------feelings into an Emotional Jug. The feelings would settle in different layers. At the very top ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------of the Emotional Jug would be a ‘cork’ that attempts to keep emotions from leaking out. The ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------top layers of the Emotional Jug are the more powerful negative feelings that people have.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------These feelings are Anger, Fear, and Sadness. Sometimes people feel confused when all the ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------negative feelings get jumbled up together. Guilt and shame are also feelings that fill up the ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Emotional Jug. Negative feelings may implode or explode. On the way, they will often leak ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------through dirty fighting.

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Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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emptying the emotional jug

What are you MAD about?

If you were mad about anything else, what else might you be MAD about?

What are you SAD about?

If you were sad about anything else, what else might you be SAD about?

What are you SCARED (or WORRIED) about?

If you were scared (or worried) about anything else, what else might you be SCARED (or worried) about?

What are you GLAD about?

If you were GLAD about anything else, what else might you be GLAD about?

• Make sure you have enough time to give your undivided attention, which should be a minimum of 20 to 30 minutes. Listener must be fully present to the Speaker without distractions.

• Practice Emptying the Emotional Jug with issues that are not about the Listener. This is a confiding exercise, not a discussion.

• The Listener is fully present with empathy - not judgment, defensiveness, or the need to “fix it,” disqualify, minimize feelings, or interject their own experiences.

• If you are the Speaker, simply express what’s there at each step of the exercise. It’s not necessary to get into a discussion, feelings are in your gut, not your head.

• Listener should use non-verbal cues to show you are listening and that you have empathy. After completing Emptying the Jug, show appreciation to each other for sharing, listening, and making room for positive feelings.

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1. Think of your relationship as a Love Bank. It’s important to take time to build the balance of your account through regular deposits.

2. We make deposits into our Love Bank when we do things that leave our partner feeling cared about. A positive balance in the Love Bank helps provide important protection to our relationships.

3. You can make deposits by giving compliments, showing appreciation and gratitude, spending time together, being affectionate, helping out with tasks that are important to your partner, and giving gifts … the actions that express love to your partner.

5. The Love Bank has a five-to-one rule: we must make at least five positive deposits in the Love Bank to neutralize one withdrawal, such as criticizing or making a negative observation.

6. Discovering what it takes to fill your Love Bank with actions that communicate, “I care!” will help your relationship grow in love, pleasure and connection. Make a commitment to keeping the balance high.

Session Five

4. Making Love Bank deposits is about doing the things that leave your partner feeling cared for, valued, and important.

Often what makes others feel cared about is different than what we want for ourselves.

SESSION FIVE

The LOVE Bank

Notes

The logic of love and emotions says we are naturally drawn to people who are a source of --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------pleasure in our lives. That means different things to different people, and also changes over --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------the course of a lifetime together. At one moment in our life, it may be connected to someone --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------who helps us succeed in school or find a solution to a particular challenge; at another time, it --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------could be about creating a home, raising children, achieving financial success, companionship, --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------affection, having someone who brings new experiences to our lives, or anything in between.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It’s important to discover what’s a pleasure to your partner and to recognize that many things --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------change over time.

-----------------------------------

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES

Notes

Providing Caring Behaviors to your partner shows him/her that you care and that you are ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------willing to change your behavior. When we are under stress, we tend to forget to show our ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------partner the kind of affection and caring we know they appreciate. To keep your marriage ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------strong, you need to show your partner that you care. This is a very important way to nurture ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------your marriage.

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Caring Behaviors

How It Makes me Feel

Enter check (√) marks when noticed

SESSION FIVE

Carring Behaviors worksheet What I Would Like From You List

Session Five Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip sheet” Emptying the Emotional Jug: To use the Empty the Jug exercise, begin with the PAIRS Invitation Rule.

Sit face to face. Both partners have an opportunity to; or/not to empty their jug. If your partner goes first, when it is your turn, it is not recommended to empty your jug on the same topic(s) as your partner. Your partner will ask you the Empty the Jug statements 3-4 times. Each time give your partner an answer to the best of your ability.

The goal of this exercise is to confide your feelings to your partner. It is not a time to solve problems but only to Listen for Understanding as we learned in Session 3. For the speaker, remember to give your partner a sign of appreciation and/or a hug at the end for listening to you.

Making Deposits in the Love Bank

Session Five

Don’t assume that what makes you feel cared about is the same for your partner. For some of us, kind, affirming words may be most important. For others it may be about spending significant time with each other or expressing love through physical connection. Some particularly enjoy gifts and presents while others may favor actions that help them accomplish pressing goals, assignments, or chores.

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exercise?

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Session Five

What insights did you discover about yourself and your partner during today’s

SESSION FIVE

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Departing Tip of the Day: Post your partner’s Caring Behaviors list in a convenient place so you can remember to do what your partner has asked for. When wanting to practice any of the tools, remember to use the PAIRS Invitation Rule.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit two - Session 6 Connecting & Confiding II - Influence of the Past Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes) A time for everyone, if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available.

Course structure continues the use of the group DTR. Anger in the Family – Lessons Learned (40-50 Minutes) A discussion to provide an understanding of the various ways children learn about expressing anger. Negative patterns learned in your childhood and teen years may interfere with having healthy communication with your partner in the present.

Good Talking and Good Listening (10-15 Minutes) A guide to follow in building skills for better communication.

Introduction to Fair Fight For Change (FFFC) (40-60 Minutes) FFFC is a tool to use when wanting to have a structured talk about a difficult problem in your relationship that continues to cause conflict. The tool provides a means for you and your partner to express your needs and desires in a way that is safe and helpful so that you may be listened to and heard.

Talking Tips: Past Hurts and Past Joys (30-40 Minutes) This Talking Tips tool provides an opportunity for confiding past experiences to your partner in order to help build understanding, empathy and compassion for each other.

Closing (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To begin having the participants look at anger in their family histories and to become aware of patterns that may affect their relationships today.

• To introduce a guide for developing good talking and listening skills.

• To learn a new tool (Fair Fight for Change) for helping to resolve conflict and to practice using this tool to resolve issues.

SESSION SIX

KEY GOALS

• To have the couples begin to explore their family histories and the impact that these histories may have had upon them. To talk about past hurts and joys in their relationship.

TOPICS AND TOOLS

Session Six

• Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) • Anger in the Family • Good Talking and Good Listening • Introduction to FFFC • Past Hurts and Past Joys (Talking Tips)

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Good talking and Good listening Good Talking • Good talking is DIRECT. To send a message that other people can be sure to “catch,” you need to say what you mean. Don’t “talk around” the subject. Don’t just drop hints, or make other people guess. Get to the point!

• Good talking is CLEAR. Make certain that people can understand what you’re saying, and don’t just have a “snowy picture” of it. You need to describe things well. You need to make sure that you aren’t confusing your listener!

• Good talking is SPECIFIC. Sending a message well means giving your listener all the necessary information. Don’t be vague or general when you talk. Include details that can help the other person know exactly what you’re talking about.

• Good talking is HONEST. For your message to do the most good, it needs to be honest. Don’t say something you really don’t think or feel, or that doesn’t match the facts.

• Good talking is TACTFUL. Being tactful means being kind. You have to think about others feelings and rights before you speak. You do want to be direct, clear, specific, and honest with them. But you don’t want to say things--accidentally or on purpose that will hurt them unnecessarily. Words can hurt.

Good Listening • Good listening is ACTIVE. Good listening is more than just waiting until you can talk, or until the other person stops talking or truly says something that interests you. Good listening is doing your best to hear, understand, and help the person who is talking to fully express what they want you to know.

• Good listening is ATTENTIVE. To listen well, you need to concentrate on what the other person is saying. Make sure you get the full message that they are sending. Don’t try to guess what they mean. Don’t try to do something else at the same time--like planning what you want to say next--you will probably miss something important!

• Good listening is OPEN. Good listening means giving the other person the freedom to speak, and giving you the freedom to learn something. To do this, you need an open mind--one that doesn’t refuse to hear certain things. After the speaker finishes, you can decide whether you agree or you don’t agree with what was said. But while the speaker is talking, you need to agree to fully listen.

• Good listening is RESPECTFUL. Good listeners never interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence. They only start speaking after the other person finishes a sentence and pauses. This way, they make certain that they hear everything the other person wants to say, and that they don’t make the other person feel worthless or angry.

• Good listening is CAREFUL. To be a good listener, you need to ask the speaker right away about anything that you didn’t hear well, that isn’t clear, or that you didn’t quite understand.

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SESSION SIX

Good talking and Good listening, continued

Session Six Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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fair fight for change process in ten steps

1. Invite Partner.

8. Show appreciation (for being heard accurately).

9. Partner responds: “Yes,” “No,” or “Yes with conditions.”

2. Reflect on concern.

7. Partner repeats what you said (speaks with empathy).

10. Continue process until you come to a solution.

3. State concern clearly (one specific behavior).

4. Partner repeats what you said (listening to understand, speaks with empathy).

6. Ask for what you want instead (specific behavior).

Ask: “Will you do it?”

5. Show appreciation (for being heard accurately).

Notes

The Fair Fight for Change is used to present a concern and seek a change in the behavior of ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------your partner. It is a negotiation. Fair fighting requires lots of practice and learning. Remember ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------you are using the tool for the benefit of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Feeling ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------that your partner really understands is very important. Often what lies behind a specific ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------concern is really a request to feel understood. Empathic listening is as important as sending ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------the message. Coaching helps the fighters to stay with their concerns without violating the ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------structure and to make the fight safe.

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SESSION SIX

coaching guidelines

All discussions are held aloud for all to hear.

2.

Keep couple on track following the 10 Steps.

3.

Call Time Out for Dirty Fighting.

4.

Do not “side” with either person.

5.

Do not “give answers” -ask reflective questions or offer possible solutions if necessary.

6.

Use Fair Fight Checklist as guide for feedback to the couple.

7.

Be their mirror - reflect back to them what you are observing.

8.

Write down the key points: Concern, Request for Change, and Agreement.

9.

Encourage Appreciations.

Session Six

1.

10. If the couple scores five or more points on the Fair Fight Check List, they have demonstrated a Fair Fight for Change.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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fight style profile

Style

Fair

Unfair

Facial Expression

Open, Responsive, Reflective, Interested, Real

Closed, Guarded, Impassive, Masked, Disinterested

Focus

Here and Now, Direct, Specific to the Problem, One Issue, To the point

Past, Generalizing, Gunny sacking, Kitchen Sink

Communication

Clear & Relevant, Shared Meaning, Responsive, Accurate feedback, Empathy

No Empathy, No Response, One Way, Inaccurate or No Feedback

Information & Reality

Realistic, Accurate, Authentic

Distorted, Fantasy, Lies

Comments & Impact

Reasonable, Fair, Above the Belt

Unwilling to Recognize own Contribution to the Problem

Responsibility

Willing to Recognize own Contribution to the Problem

Justifying, Denying, Ignoring own part

Openness to Change

Willing and Open to Change

Rigid, Fixed, Unchanging

Copyright Š 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

Constructive

Destructive

Importance

Feel more important to partner

Feel less important to partner

Influence & Self-Worth

Increased – Feel heard and understood

Decreased – Feel misunderstood

Resentment

Relieved

Inhibited, Repressed

Hurt & Fear

Decreased

Increased

Trust

Increased

Decreased

Closeness

Feel closer, more affectionate

Feel more distant

Reparation

Hurts mended – willing to or did make up for mistakes or mistreatment

No attempt to make up for mistakes or hurt feeling

Forgiveness

Able to forgive partner

Desire to withhold, withdraw, distance or get even

Progress made toward solution

No progress made toward solution

Progress

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

Session Six

Profile

SESSION SIX

fight results profile

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fair fight checklist Coaches place a check (√) in the box that best scores the couple. Note: If one person gets a “no,” place a check mark in the “NO Box” for the couple.

Add up the number of check marks in each box for a score.

Couple

Yes

Did they use positive facial expressions and body language?

Did they stay on one concern?

Did they communicate their feelings about the concern?

Did the Partner use empathy in responding?

Did they share appreciations?

Did they come to a solution?

Did they demonstrate good will?

Totals

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No

Relationship Agreement

Specific, Measurable Behaviors: As distinct from attitude or character changes, and wishful hopes or possibilities.

SESSION SIX

Relationship agreement Agreement fair fight for change

How this agreement will benefit our relationship: Include both partner’s perspectives.

Session Six

Duration of this agreement.

You can always chose to extend the agreement longer if it is working well.

Schedule times for review and tune-up: Remember that breakdowns are learning opportunities.

Our reminders for keeping this agreement alive: Auditory or visual reminders that inspire you to action.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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PAST HURTS TOUR Suggested examples for Past Hurts Tour • When I remember past hurts, one that comes to mind is when… I was in high school and I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me with my best friend.

• What upset me was… she had been telling me he wasn’t good for me.

• What made me angry was… that she lied to me.

• What hurt me was… that she would betray me when I trusted her.

• What scared me was… I thought she was my best friend and that I could have been so wrong about her.

• What I really wanted or needed was… for her to be honest with me about her feelings for my boyfriend instead of trying to break us up by telling me he was wrong for me.

• What I regret is… that we both let a gut feeling ruin our friendship.

• What I realize is… that true friends are hard to find and should be cherished. What I appreciate is…I learned a lot about myself from this experience.

• What would help me in the future… is to make sure I know who I can trust when I make friends.

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SESSION SIX

TALKING TIPS: past hurts

Session Six

Notes

Share with your partner one memory of a past hurt that is not about your partner. This is ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------something that happened to you that was upsetting and hurtful. The listener will repeat back ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------with empathy each part of the Talking Tips statements with understanding and empathy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Remember to appreciate each other for hearing what you each had to say. Give your ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------partner a sign of affection such as a hug or some other acknowledgement that conveys your ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------understanding and empathy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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PAST JOYS TOUR Suggested examples for Past Joys Tour • When I remember past joys, one that comes to mind is when… we first met.

• What was good for me was… how much fun I had.

• What I enjoyed most…was when we went out dancing.

• I loved… being treated with such respect and appreciation.

• I wish… we could laugh more together.

• I hope… you understand that is not a criticism but an appreciation.

• I regret… not telling you this before.

• What I realize… is I need to tell you how many things I appreciate about you.

• What I appreciate… is you and all the many things you do for me.

• What would help me in the future… is to make sure we set aside time to have fun together.

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SESSION SIX

TALKING TIPS: past joys

Session Six Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet” Anger in the Family: Lessons Learned Being capable of managing our feelings and expressing anger to our partners, in productive ways is a skill. It is also a skill to be able to listen to our partner’s angry feelings that concern us. These two skills are so important but so difficult to do, that we tend to try to shut someone down or react back when they express anger to us. Sometimes we will even begin to deny or not express our anger to them at all. In Session 5, we began to learn how to express our anger by Emptying our Jug and using Time Out. Both of these tools are ways to control and manage our anger through full expression of our feelings.

Things to remember about anger: • Anger is an emotion just like happiness, sadness, and pain.

• Anger is good if it alerts us to a problem that we are having with another person.

• Dealing with anger directly can help us to get closer to another person when it is resolved.

Good Talking and Good Listening Good Talking is: DIRECT–CLEAR–SPECIFIC–HONEST-TACTFUL Good Listening is: ACTIVE-ATTENTIVE-OPEN-RESPECTFUL-CAREFUL

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What do you want to teach your children about how they express anger?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SESSION SIX

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Session Six

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Departing Tip of the Day: Becoming aware of the past often helps change the present. Continue doing the DTR at home with your partner and family members if appropriate. You may also want to use the FFFC or Talking Tips on Past Hurts and Past Joys to resolve and explore past experiences with your partner.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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unit three - Session 7 Conflict Resolution Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes) A time for everyone if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR. Emotional Stages of Development (15-20 Minutes) Describes levels of emotional development, from infancy through adulthood and offers examples of how couples can get “stuck” in early stages of development in their relationships.

Powergram - Who Decides? Decision-Making Worksheet (25-35 Minutes) Using a chart, couples can discuss how they make decisions in their relationships.

Empty the Jug on a Past Decision (25-35 Minutes) Couples use the Empty the Jug Activity to talk about feelings they may have had about a past decision that affected their relationship.

Fair Fight For Change – Minor Topic (25-30 Minutes) Another opportunity to practice the FFFC to improve your skills in conflict resolution and to build confidence in problem solving.

Closing (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To provide an awareness of the level of an adult’s emotional behavior in varied circumstances.

• To provide couples with an opportunity to look at decision-making from different points of view: Mine, Yours, and Ours. To participate in an exercise in identifying pitfalls to power struggles.

• To provide practice using the Empty the Jug tool on a past decision.

• To provide additional practice in communication skills using the FFFC tool to resolve an issue on a minor topic.

SESSION SEVEN

KEY GOALS

TOPICS AND TOOLS

• Emotional Stages of Development • Powergram - Who Decides? - Decision Making Worksheet • Empty the Jug on Past Decision • FFFC -Minor Topic

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

Session Seven

• Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM)

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Relationship Road Map #5

Once again we visit the Relationship Road Map (#5) to stay aware of the power of our decisions. Effective decision making can take us from the Pain side of the roadmap to the Pleasure side. We have the power to choose.

As you look at the roadmap be mindful of the tools you may want to use to help get you back from the pain to the pleasure side. The DTR, Empty the Jug, Time Out, and the Fair Fight For Change are all good choices.

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SESSION SEVEN

emotional Stages of Development

Session Seven

The INFANT: Feels a need, but can only cry and must wait for the parents to figure out what the problem may be. Adult ‘stuck’ in the EMOTIONAL INFANT: Can treat others like an object to meet their needs. That person may be expressing: “I want what I want when I want it, and you are just an object to give me what I want.”

The CHILD: Communicates, but remains dependent on others for meeting their needs; will act out feelings of hurt, fear and resentment. Adult ‘stuck’ in the EMOTIONAL CHILD: Will act out feelings of resentment through distance; pouting, whining, withholding, or placating. That person may say: “You have things that I want and I will find a way to get them from you.” The emotional child is not honest and will not negotiate openly in the relationship.

The ADOLESCENT: Is rebellious with parents and authority figures and in effect says, “Don’t tell me what to do!” Has a need to prove they are not dependent. Adult ‘stuck’ in the EMOTIONAL ADOLESCENT: Cannot give their partner what they want without feeling controlled by them and resenting it. That person may say: “I cannot listen to you with empathy because I believe you are telling me what to do. You are being critical of me, my beliefs, and my behavior.” Whatever the partner asks for is experienced as control and feels as if they are being treated like a child.

The EMOTIONAL ADULT: Has the capacity to demonstrate Good Will and mutual concern, is open to learning, growing and has a willingness to change. The healthy Emotional Adult will say: “I can ask for what I need and want, without controlling, manipulating or running from you; I can listen with empathy about how it is for you, without assuming it’s only about me.”

One of the important tasks of a loving marriage is that each person functions as an EMOTIONAL ADULT, enough of the time, to resolve problems and is able to give each other support and caring.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Powergram - who decides?

Decision Making Topic

My Decision

My work hours Who does the laundry Time to go to bed Time spent together Who helps with school work Does the grocery shopping Sets rules for the children Who changes the diapers What we/children eat How often we make love Who manages the money Who takes out the garbage Time spent apart Phone calls Affection in public / private Friends Other:

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My Decision with Your Input

OUR Decision-We Need To Agree

Your Your Decision with Decision My Input

For this exercise sit face to face in a leveling style of communication and think back to a time you had difficulty making a decision together or had difficulty accepting a decision made by your partner. Speaker thanks his/her partner for listening and then listener gets his or her turn.

What were you ANGRY about?

What were you HURT about?

If you were ANGRY about anything else, what else might you be ANGRY about?

If you were HURT about anything else, what else might you be HURT about?

If you were sad about anything else, what else might you be SAD about?

What were you RELIEVED about?

If you were RELIEVED about anything else, what else might you be RELIEVED about?

Session Seven

What were you SAD about?

What were you HAPPY about?

SESSION SEVEN

empty the jug on a past decision

If you were HAPPY about anything else, what else might you be HAPPY about?

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet”

Emotional Stages of Development The Infant – The Child – The Adolescent – The Emotional Adult How are they different? Remember: One of the most important tasks of a loving marriage is that each person functions as an EMOTIONAL ADULT, at least enough of the time, to resolve problems and be able to give each other support and caring.

Who Decides? Chart Some couples, by mutual agreement and discussion, may choose to establish certain areas in which the husband or the wife individually will make decisions.

Some couples, by mutual agreement, may choose certain areas about decision-making that they will do together as a couple.

Some couples will agree to make certain decisions after having their partner’s input.

All of the above choices are a matter of style and cultural preference between partners. What is important to remember is that in a committed relationship, all issues between partners should be open for discussion and be negotiable.

Empty the Jug on a Past Decision What are you _____about?

What else are you ____about?

What else are you ____ about and If you were ____what else might you be ____about?

(Angry – Hurt – Sad – Relieved – Happy)

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Fair Fight For Change on a Minor Topic Choose a minor topic that you and your partner do not agree upon and that may be easily resolved. If you do not have coaches available to you in person or by phone, think about what it is you want to change. Make notes to yourself on your concern. Begin with the PAIRS Invitation Rule and follow the 10 Step Guidelines for the FFFC (found in session 6) and demonstrate Good Will! (Sit face to face in the Leveling position and NO dirty fighting)

SESSION SEVEN

“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet” contINUEd

Additional PAIRS Tools that may be of help: Talking Tips Shared Meaning – Listening to Understand Empty the Jug Time Out

Session Seven Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

What new insights do you have about decision-making in your relationship?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SESSION SEVEN

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Session Seven

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Departing Tip of the Day: If you don’t use it…you lose it! Continue to use the PAIRS For Our Future tools to help you and your partner have a healthy relationship.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit three - Session 8 Conflict Resolution on Money and Time Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes) A time for everyone, if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR. Conflicts in Marriage – Money and Time (25-30 Minutes) To understand that common issues such as money and time can cause conflict in any marriage. Couples can learn and use skills to resolve these conflicts. To provide awareness of the many causes of financial stress so that the conflict can be resolved.

Time Spent Together – Managing Time Issues (25-30 Minutes) To provide awareness of how work schedules and other responsibilities can interfere with the time you spend together, and to bring awareness to the importance of making time to do fun things for a healthy relationship.

FFFC on Money and Time (45-60 Minutes) To practice the FFFC and to talk about an issue on money and/or time that you may be experiencing in your relationship.

Closing (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

90

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• To understand that common issues of money and time can have an impact upon a marital relationship. To become aware that there are ways to resolve most conflicts on these topics.

• To provide awareness of the stress money can have on a relationship.

To identify reasons for the stress they may be experiencing so that resolution and change can take place.

• To provide awareness of how time schedules and responsibilities can interfere with the time couples spend together. To bring awareness to the importance of making time to do fun things for a healthy relationship.

SESSION EIGHT

KEY GOALS

• To practice the FFFC tool to resolve an issue of money and time.

• Welcome Back (DTR) • Some Conflicts in Marriage- Money & Time • Time Spent Together –Managing Time Issues

Session Eight

TOPICS AND TOOLS

• FFFC – Money or Time Spent Together

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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managing money There is no one right way to manage money. A person’s values, goals, wants, and needs will determine how money is handled in the family. Because of these factors, communication about money is very important.

Use a check (√) mark for the following and list your desires.

1. For the past 6 months I have borrowed money from people to cover basic living expenses. _____Yes ____No 2. I have credit card bills that I often don’t pay each month. ____Yes ____No 3. I buy things on lay-a-way that I cannot afford to make the payments on. ____ Yes ____ No. 4. I do a good job of paying the bills and get angry if my partner spends money and doesn’t tell me. ____ Yes ____ No 5. CHECK ONE:

 I pay my bills as soon as I get paid.  I don’t look at my bills until the last minute because it gets me depressed.  I have a schedule of when I pay each bill.

List: Immediate desires I have that require money.

(For example: a new car, new furniture) 1. _________________________________ 2. _________________________________ 3. _________________________________ 4. _________________________________

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List: Future dreams I have that require money.

(For example: to own my own home; visit my family back home) 1. _________________________________ 2. _________________________________ 3. _________________________________ 4. _________________________________ Brainstorm a list of the roles and responsibilities you have in a twenty-four hour time period. Think of all the different ‘hats’ you wear throughout the day including worker, spouse, parent, friend, son or daughter, sibling, etc.

SESSION EIGHT

present time clock

Present Time Clock: Write down how much time you are currently spending in a 24 hour day on each of these things.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

Session Eight

Present Clock: Using the clock as a guide, list the number of hours you currently spend on each. _______ Work _______ Religious Activities _______ Sleep _______ Community Agencies _______ Family Time _______ Friends / Social events _______ Partner Time _______ Extended Family _______ Paying Bills _______ Alone Time _______ TV, Ipod _______ Computer _______ Other: ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________

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future (preferred) time clock

Future (Preferred) Time Clock: Now, write down how much time you would like to spend doing these things and being with people in a typical day.

Future Clock: Using the clock as a guide, list the number of hours you would like to spend on each.

_______ Work _______ Religious Activities _______ Sleep _______ Community Agencies _______ Family Time _______ Friends / Social events _______ Partner Time _______ Extended Family _______ Paying Bills _______ Alone Time _______ TV, Ipod _______ Computer _______ Other: ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ Fair Fight For Change on Money or Time An exercise to practice solving problems on a stressful topic using the FFFC ten-step method. Choose your coaches from your group. Everyone learns!

Some common concerns about money:

Not recording check information in the checkbook

Paying bills late

No clear method for keeping track of bills

Not having a budget both people agree to

Not telling each other when you withdraw money from the account

Hiding money so that you don’t have to use it for joint expenses The most common concern about time:

Not enough time spent with my partner

94

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Conflicts in Marriage: Money & Time: Money and time are topics that can cause a great deal of stress for all of us.

How do you and your partner decide how money will be spent? Do you talk about money and decide together, or does one partner manage the money and make the decisions? While there is no one right way to manage money, a person’s values, goals, wants, and needs, will determine how money is handled in the family. Because of these factors, communication about money is very important.

Session Eight

People learn how to manage money from lots of different places. They watch how others manage money; they use their own experiences and they draw on what they learned from their own families when they were growing up. In some of our families, one parent may have had total control of how money was spent. In other families, parents may have agreed together how they were going to spend money and on how much money they would try to save.

If our parents were good at managing money, we saw and experienced the good will (Commitment, Caring, Communication and Change) in their relationship at work! In some of our families there may have been only one parent who raised us and we saw how hard it was to earn a living and manage bills and other expenses.

SESSION EIGHT

“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet”

For many of us we never learned things like how to budget, how to save, how to avoid credit card debt and bad credit. Without this knowledge, we are likely to get into conflicts with our partners about how to manage our money, especially when there is never enough of it to make ends meet.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet” Time Spent Together: Ask yourself the following questions: What was it like to see how you are spending your time each day?

What activities were missing from your clock that you wish were included?

Were you able to change your present clock to your preferred clock?

Have you determined what strategies you can use to manage your time more effectively to meet you needs?

Fair Fight For Change on Money and/or Time:

Additional PAIRS Tools that may be of help:

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Talking Tips Shared Meaning – Listening to Understand Empty the Jug Time Out

Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

Session Eight

Choose a topic on money or time that you and your partner do not agree upon. If you do not have coaches available to you (away from the classroom) in person or by phone, think about what it is you want to change. Make notes to yourself on your concern. Begin with the PAIRS Invitation Rule, follow the 10 Step Guidelines for the FFFC (found on page 43 of session 6) and demonstrate Good will! (Sit face to face in the Leveling Position and NO dirty fighting)

What did you learn about yourself from the Fair Fight For Change?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SESSION EIGHT

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What did you learn about your partner?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Session Eight

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Departing Tip of the Day: Having a Fair Fight For Change is not about fighting against or hurting your partner. It’s about honestly telling your partner what is bothering you so that you can both feel better about it.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit three - Session 9 Conflict Resolution and Parenting Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes) A time for everyone, if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR. Effective Decision-Making and Conflict Resolution (10-15 Minutes) To provide you with an understanding of how power struggles (a desire to win) can affect your relationship regarding parenting.

Resolving Issues (30-35 Minutes) Continued practice in using Talking Tips to help resolve a parenting issue between you and your partner.

FFFC - Parenting and Co-Parenting (50-70 Minutes) To provide you with an opportunity to resolve a recurrent parenting, coparenting or stepparenting issue using the FFFC Ten Step method.

Closing (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To provide couples an understanding of how power struggles can affect their relationship regarding parenting.

• To provide knowledge and understanding about how parenting issues can have the potential to interfere with marital relationships.

• To practice FFFC on parenting issues that can cause conflict in the relationship.

SESSION NINE

key goals

TOPICS AND TOOLS • Welcome Back (DTR)

• Resolving Issues (TT –Power Struggles) • FFFC -Parenting & Co-Parenting

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

Session Nine

• Effective Decision Making & Conflict Resolution

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Conflict Resolution and Parenting Effective Decision-Making and Conflict Resolution The goal for better decision-making is that no matter how decisions are made they should be made with respect for both parties in the relationship.

To have a good relationship we need to be able to confide in our partners, understand their point of view and be empathetic. Empathy is the ability to understand how it feels to be in your partner’s shoes. Understanding each other’s point of view is important in making decisions that affect both of you.

What is a power struggle? Power struggles are an attempt by one partner to be viewed by the other partner as always being right and always knowing ‘what is best’ for the other partner and for their relationship.

When couples are in power struggles, neither partner is willing to accept the other partner’s position. This kind of relationship is marked by tension, hostility, competition, and resentment. Intimacy and connection becomes impossible.

Survival and winning become all-important.

To avoid a power struggle, it is important to acknowledge each other and to be able to make your desires known to your partner. This is a process that you will continue throughout your marriage!

Conflict can be healthy when both partners are willing to ask for what they want, say what they believe and feel, and accept how it is for the other person. Conflicts always involve differences in needs, thoughts, and feelings. Resolving conflict requires understanding and good will.

The difference between having conflict and being in a power struggle is: • A conflict can be understood as two people acknowledging their differences which have the potential for negotiation and resolution.

• A power struggle involves two people, each of whom is equally committed to winning their point of view, without taking into consideration the other person’s needs or requirements.

Think of a recent power struggle you may have had with your partner and use Talking Tips to help resolve this.

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SESSION NINE

Talking Tips: Resolving Power Struggles

Session Nine

Notes

A conflict can be understood as two people acknowledging their differences which have the

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------potential for negotiation and resolution.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A power struggle involves two people, each of whom is equally committed to winning their ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------point of view, without taking into consideration the other person’s needs or requirements.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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FFFC - Parenting Issues Parenting can be the most frustrating and the most satisfying experience in our lives.

The following statements may be considered true by most of us: • Parents are responsible for children’s development – physical, emotional and social.

• It is often hard for parents to agree on effective ways to discipline their children.

• When children are involved, couples naturally have less time for each other.

• How we were raised has a lot to do with our current views of parenting.

Couples need to talk about their views and come to an understanding of how they want to discipline their children and stepchildren.

• Parents need to teach their children acceptable behavior through fair and firm discipline. Setting limits helps children feel safe and secure even though they may resist some limits parents put in place.

Varied definitions of parenting and what may be considered a stepfamily: Parenting: Caring for a child (biological or adopted) and/or caring for the child you may have in common with your partner.

Co-parenting: Sharing the care of the child you had with your former partner.

Two parents may co-parent without having to interact much with each other in raising their child, but there will be a need for communication between parents and interaction with the child by each parent.

Stepparenting: Caring for the children of your current partner. The children may or may not live with you and your partner, and the interaction with these children may vary widely.

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Stepfamily: A family in which a husband, wife, or both have children from another relationship. The children of these relationships may or may not live with you. Stepfamilies can be formed after divorce or death, or newly married couples can form stepfamilies if one of them already has children.

FFFC – on Parenting Issues: Practice the FFFC on a parenting issue. It may be a general parenting issue; a co-parenting issue or a stepparenting issue that you and your partner do not agree upon.

SESSION NINE

FFFC - Parenting Issues, continued

Session Nine Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet”

Effective Decision-Making and Conflict Resolution To have a good relationship means we need to be able to confide in our partners, understand their point of view and be empathetic. This is important to developing our ability to make effective decisions when dealing with important issues surrounding our differences.

If you and your partner are stuck in a power struggle, continue to practice Talking Tips.

Suggested examples are: A recent power struggle I had with you… was when you yelled at our daughter for not making her bed.

The issue was… you told her that she was grounded for a week.

I assume this is important to me because… my father punished me like that and I hated him for it.

I am frustrated… that you don’t talk with me before you punish her.

I resent… that you yelled at her the way you did.

I am hurt… because I want her to have a good relationship with you, the way I wished I could have had a better relationship with my father.

I worry… that she will grow up angry with you, the way I was with my father.

What I would like in the future… is for you to calm down and talk to me before you yell at her and hand out a punishment.

What I realize… is that you want her to be responsible for her behavior and I agree with you about that.

I hope… we can agree on the ways to help our children be responsible and help around the house.

I appreciate… that you care deeply about our daughter and take your job as her father seriously.

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What was most important for you in today’s session?

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SESSION NINE

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Session Nine

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Departing Tip of the Day: When both partners want to win in a power struggle‌ the relationship loses. Learning to resolve conflict is a skill that will improve your marriage and also help your children. Try teaching your children the Talking Tips tool so they can learn how to handle conflict on their own.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit four - session 10 Connecting & Confiding III - Learning About Your Partner Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes) A time for everyone, if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR. Love Knots/Untangling Love Knots (20-30 Minutes) To introduce you to the concept of the Love Knot; this is a pattern of behavior that can break down communication.

Boundaries, Jealousy, and Forgiveness (40-50 Minutes) To learn more about boundaries, jealousy, and trust in your relationship and to practice Talking Tips to confide feelings of jealousy.

Forgiveness (15-20 Minutes) To practice the tool, Empty the Jug on Letting Go of Grudges and practicing forgiveness.

Closing (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To introduce the concept of the Love Knot, which is a pattern of behavior that can break down communication.

• To learn about boundaries, jealousy, and trust. To practice Talking Tips to confide feelings of jealousy.

• To Empty the Jug on Letting Go of Grudges for forgiveness.

SESSION TEN

key goals

TOPICS AND TOOLS • Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) • Love Knots / Untangling Love Knots • Boundaries, Jealousy (TT- Jealousy)

Session Ten

• Forgiveness (Letting Go of Grudges)

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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hidden assumptions and expectations

Hidden assumptions and expectations can create distance and misunderstanding in relationships.

Love Knots are commonly held beliefs that seem to be true. However, they are not true because they are not based on logical, realistic thinking.

Love Knots can be very harmful to a relationship.

PAIRS founder Lori Gordon identified various assumptions and expectations that many couples have about their relationships. (Love Knots; 1996). Consider these examples.

Love Knot # 1

Reflection

“If you really loved me, you would know what I want, and you would do it. Since you don’t, you obviously don’t care.”

When have you waited for others to guess what you want and do it, becoming disappointed, hurt, or distant when they didn’t?

What happened as a result?

Untangled “I cannot assume that you know what I want and need. I will ask for what I want and not expect you to know.”

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Love Knot # 2

Reflection

“When I tell you how I feel, you interrupt, disagree, give advice, judge, or dismiss my feelings. I stop telling you. I distance myself from you.”

Are there people in your life who you’ve stopped confiding in because you didn’t like their reaction? How has that affected your relationships?

Untangled

What might be possible in your relationship if you could ask your partner to just listen with empathy?

SESSION TEN

typical love knots

“If I want you to listen to me and to hear me without comment, I need to ask for that. Advice is not helpful when the person does not want it. Learning how to listen more attentively is often more important than giving advice.”

Reflection

“If you are in pain, I believe I should be able to fix it. I don’t know how to fix it, so I feel inadequate. I get angry with you for making me feel inadequate.

I withdraw from you and blame you when you are in pain.”

Have there been times in your life when you couldn’t make things better for someone you cared about? How did you feel about the situation? About yourself?

About the other person?

Untangled

Session Ten

Love Knot # 3

How can you be supportive of someone going through a difficult time? What would you like from your partner when you are in pain?

“When you are in pain I can be supportive without believing I have to provide a solution. I can listen, empathize and acknowledge what you say. I will respect and honor your feelings as well as your ability to ask for what you want.”

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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typical love knots Love Knot # 4

Reflection

“If I tell you what I want and you do it, it doesn’t count (because I had to tell you). If you try to guess what I want and you don’t get it right, I get angry.”

How often have you experienced double binds in your relationships where no matter what happens, everyone loses? What happens to love in these situations?

Untangled “I cannot expect you to know what I want. Nor can I expect you to do anything exactly the way I would. I can still appreciate the gift of whatever you do because you believe I would like it.”

Love Knot # 5

Reflection

“If I let myself get close to you, I will need you. If I am too dependent and need (love) too much, I will not be able to survive without you. I will become weak.”

This can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Can you remember a situation where your fear of losing someone or something important to you led to exactly what you most feared?

Sometimes fears about the future can be so powerful that we miss opportunities to experience love, happiness, pleasure and fulfillment in the present.

Untangled “I can enjoy being close to you, yet survive on my own if I need to. As an adult I am not helpless. I can make a new life for myself if I have to. Meanwhile, the pleasures of intimacy are among life’s most fulfilling gifts.”

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Reflect on a time you got angry because someone didn’t do something the way you wanted. Can you also remember being on the receiving end of this double bind? What would help you appreciate others for what they do, even when it’s not done exactly the way you want?

Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

What fears about the future are getting in the way of embracing the gift of closeness and connection with those who are most important in your life today?

Love Knot # 6

Reflection

“If we don’t agree, one of us must be wrong. If it’s me, that means I am bad, stupid, ignorant, or inadequate. So it can’t be me. I must prove that it’s you so I won’t feel like a failure.”

How do you feel when a significant other disagrees with you? What price has your relationship paid for arguments about different views and perspectives?

Untangled “We should be able to disagree.

We are all unique, and disagreements are a natural reflection of our uniqueness.”

Consider a time when you argued or distanced from someone who was important in your life because you didn’t agree. What would help you embrace future differences as a natural part of all relationships and become open to hearing and considering other views without having to agree with each other?

Love Knot # 7

Reflection

“If I ask what you are thinking or feeling, I believe I am intruding (as you would tell me if you wanted me to know). If I don’t ask, you believe I’m not interested, so you never tell me. We live as strangers.”

Remember a period in your life when it was natural to have open, flowing conversations together. How did that feel? What did it mean to you to know that you could talk about anything and everything with each other?

Untangled “Confiding is the life blood of intimacy.

I need to be able to ask for information, and you need to be able to volunteer it when I don’t ask, if we are to nurture our relationship. It is crucial that we speak our truths, ask our questions, and keep each other informed.”

SESSION TEN

typical love knots, continued

What does it mean to have a witness to your life, and to be a witness to someone else’s life? What would make it natural and safe for others to share their thoughts and feelings with you?

What do you need from others?

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“Love Knots” Check Sheet Place a check (√) mark if a given Love Knot fits for you. Then place a question mark (?) in the next box if you suspect that Love Knot fits for your partner.

Love Knot #

Love Knot Description (May Reword to Fit)

1.

If you really loved me, you would know what I want, and you would do it. Since you don’t, you obviously don’t care.

2.

When I tell you how I feel, you interrupt, disagree, give advice, judge, or dismiss my feelings. That’s not what I want. I stop telling you. I distance myself from you.

3.

If you are in pain, I believe I should be able to fix it. I don’t know how to fix it, so I feel inadequate. I get angry with you for making me feel inadequate. I withdraw from you and blame you for being in pain.

4.

If I tell you what I want and you do it, it doesn’t count (because I had to tell you). If you try to guess what I want and you don’t get it right, I get angry.

5.

If I let myself get close to you, I will need you. If I am too dependent and need (love) you too much, I will not be able to survive without you. I will become weak.

6.

If we don’t agree, one of us must be wrong. If it’s me, that means I am bad, stupid, ignorant, or inadequate. So it can’t be me. I must prove that it’s you so I won’t feel like a failure.

7.

If I ask what you are thinking or feeling, I believe I am intruding (as you would tell me if you wanted me to know).

If I don’t ask, you believe I’m not interested, so you never tell me. We live as strangers.

Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

Fits for me

Suspect Fits for my Partner

SESSION TEN

TALKING TIPS: untangling a love knot

Session Ten

Notes

Be fully present without distractions, with good will and empathy for each other. If you are the ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Speaker, use short sentences your partner can repeat back easily. As the Listener, repeat ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------what you think you heard your partner say without exaggerating, using comments, distorting ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------or giving advice. This is not a conversation. Use non-verbal cues.. Validate partner’s thoughts ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and feelings. Help partner feel understood; do not agree, comment, judge, try to fix the problem, ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------or get into a discussion. Afterwards, discuss the issue, reverse roles, or simply complete the ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------exercise with appreciation for the information, awareness, perspective and understanding ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------shared.

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Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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The Web of Jealousy

Boundaries and Jealousy Boundaries are a necessary part of creating unquestioned trust between partners.

Unquestioned trust means giving your heart to each other for safekeeping with absolute confidence that it will not be broken.

When people get married they agree to trust each other as well as to conduct themselves and behave in a trusting manner. Boundaries define those lines that we agree not to cross, such as having an affair, or lying to our partner. Boundaries also help keep us in our own protective circle of love and trust. They allow us to depend on certain things, such as honesty, and good will in our marriages.

When boundaries in relationships become fragile or when past hurts make us insecure, we may have a tendency to react with jealousy. Jealousy is perhaps the least understood of all our emotions. The PAIRS For Our Future program says it can be likened to a spider’s web with interwoven strands of difficult, painful emotions, and unrealistic expectations. The more important a relationship is to us, the more we can worry about it, be hurt by it, or be afraid of losing it.

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SESSION TEN

Talking Tips: Jealousy

Session Ten

Using the Talking Tips on Jealousy diagram above, decide who will go first, sit face to face and go around the wheel using shared meaning. Switch with your partner when you are done. This is a difficult topic to discuss for any couple. Remember to have empathy and understanding for each other and show your appreciation in confiding and being heard.

Notes

Healthy jealousy can be a protective mechanism of our marriage boundaries. It can help us ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------address realistic problems like others confiding in our partners in the workplace and away from ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------our families. Healthy jealousy can make our partner feel wanted and special. When jealousy ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------turns into mistrust, then our relationship can be in jeopardy because jealousy has become ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------destructive.

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Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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forgiveness Letting go of past hurts is not easy. If someone was mean or unfair to us in the past, or if they rejected us for some reason, we may promise ourselves that we’ll never forget. Maybe we even promise ourselves never to forgive.

As time goes on, we can carry these grudges with us, and they become more and more a part of us, shaping the lives we lead.

• Are we happier or better off because we hold these grudges?

Not really. In fact, just thinking about them, we can make ourselves miserable over and over and over again.

• Are we getting back at the person who hurt us, because we hold these grudges?

Not really. If the person is no longer in our lives, holding a grudge does no good at all. If the person is still in our lives, but no longer plays a big role, we may from time to time make the other person feel guilty, or do something to get back at that person. But we hurt ourselves much more by keeping the hurt alive. If the person is still in our lives and still plays a big role, holding a grudge can wreck the relationship. It’s like giving the relationship a longterm illness that we refuse to treat.

A good way to begin the process of letting go of our grudges is to Empty the Jug on the issues we have with our partner. To do this, we need to talk about what bothers us , consider our part in the situation, and then arrive at an understanding that will allow us to move on and let go of the grudge.

This does not mean denying our negative feelings about what has happened in the past. It is important to express them and then to let them go. The next exercise is for you to say how you feel about a current or former relationship that might have caused you to experience mistrust and jealousy.

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Take turns doing this exercise. Remember to sit face to face and use shared meaning. Try to have empathy and understanding for each other and show appreciations for confiding and being heard.

About Anger and Blame: I resent…

I am outraged by…

I can’t stand…

I can’t forgive you for…

I needed…

SESSION TEN

Empty the Jug: Letting Go of Grudges

About Hurt and Sadness: I feel hurt by…

I feel sad when…

I am disappointed because…

I want…

Session Ten

About Fear and Insecurity: I am anxious because…

I am afraid that…

I am worried about…

I want…

About Guilt, Responsibility: I regret…

I may be to blame for…

I didn’t mean to…

Please forgive me for…

About Forgiveness: I appreciate…

I realize…

I value…

I hope…

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet”

Boundaries and Jealousy When boundaries in relationships become fragile or when past hurts make us insecure, we may have a tendency to react with jealousy. Jealousy is perhaps the least understood of all our emotions. The PAIRS For Our Future program says it can be likened to a spider’s web with interwoven strands of difficult, painful emotions, and unrealistic expectations. The more important a relationship is to us, the more we can worry about it, be hurt by it, or be afraid of losing it.

Jealousy can be defined with the following six components: • Possessiveness –“You belong to me and I don’t want to share you with others.”

• Fear of Loss – “I don’t want to lose you.”

• Low Self Esteem –“Why should you want to stay with me when you can be with someone who is younger, more handsome, smarter, and sexier than I?” • Projection – “I know that you believe that I am not good enough for you.”

• Guilt – “I shouldn’t feel jealous and I do!”

• Shame – “I am not worthy of your love; you must be sick of me.”

Jealous feelings are based on mistrust or hurt in every relationship. When we feel jealous, we act in ways that are irrational and sometimes dangerous.

Jealousy can cause marriages to fall apart because neither party can get their needs met.

How to Deal with Jealousy …If your partner is the jealous one: • Be understanding, compassionate, respectful, and trusting.

• Tell your partner that you love him or her, and that you do not want to be with anyone else.

• Don’t act in ways that trigger jealousy or upset your partner (within reason).

• Talk, talk, talk, to your partner about his or her fears (e.g., are they concerned about your leaving them, or becoming angry and aggressive?)

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Boundaries and Jealousy, continued.

How to Deal with Jealousy …If you are the one feeling jealous • Risk confiding: trust him/her with your honesty, and be willing to say what you feel.

• Take responsibility for your personal self-esteem; tell yourself, “I am good enough, loveable, and a pleasure to be with.”

SESSION TEN

“reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet” continued

• Realize that your partner does not always have to pay attention to you to prove his/her love.

• Work on your jealousy. Ask yourself where your thoughts are coming from? Are they real, or is it your imagination and fear because of past experiences? Often, jealousy has roots in childhood and adolescent experiences, including sibling rivalry.

Forgiveness Use the Empty the Jug on Letting Go of Grudges tool about a current or former relationship(s) that is causing you to experience mistrust and feelings of jealousy.

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

Session Ten

We can choose to change our jealous behavior when we become aware of what we are doing and feeling. When jealous feelings take over in a relationship, the feelings become more and more negative. What started as love can end up becoming feelings of shame, rage, guilt, and other negative feelings. Remember to use the Talking Tips tool to help you confide your feelings of jealousy to your partner.

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NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

How will your awareness of Love Knots and Boundaries help you in your --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------relationship?

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SESSION TEN

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Session Ten

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Departing Tip of the Day: During the coming week continue with the DTR, confiding and connecting to your partner. Remember we cannot fix or repair what we are not aware of!

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit four - session 11 Connecting & Confiding IV - Learning About Yourself Welcome Back (20-30 Minutes) A time for everyone, if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR. Emotional Memory and the Emotional Allergy Negative Infinity Loop (25-30 Minutes) To understand about emotional memory and how destructive negative patterns of communication in your current relationship can be based upon hurts and fears from your past relationships.

Confiding an Emotional Allergy and Talking Tips (40-60 Minutes) To provide a tool for confiding about an emotional allergy that you may have developed based on a past hurt.

Transforming the Emotional Allergy Negative Infinity Loop into a Loop Of Vulnerability and Empathy (LOVE) (40-50 Minutes) Demonstrating how to break the Emotional Allergy Loop and transform it into a “Loop of Love” by identifying your emotional allergies and sharing your vulnerabilities with your partner so that they have the opportunity to respond with empathy.

Closing (10-15 Minutes) An opportunity to share with the group what you experienced in today’s session and what you found most helpful. You always have the option to ‘pass’ if you choose to.

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• To teach the concept of an emotional memory that when understood, helps explain how destructive patterns of communication develop based on past hurts and fears in earlier relationships.

• To provide a tool for clarifying and confiding about an Emotional Allergy that has developed based on a past hurt.

• The Emotional Allergy Loop is transformed into a “Loop of Love” by identifying Emotional Allergies and teaching participants how to share their vulnerabilities with each other and respond with empathy.

SESSION ELEVEN

key goals

TOPICS AND TOOLS • Welcome Back (DTR)

• Confiding an Emotional Allergy (TT) • Transforming the Emotional Allergy Negative Infinity Loop

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

Session Eleven

• Emotional Memory & Emotional Allergy Negative Infinity Loop

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Emotional Memory and Emotional Allergy Loop

Emotional experiences are imprinted in our long-term memory banks. We remember what we feel!

Intense emotional experiences, both positive and negative, are stored in our memory. Pleasurable experiences are ones we like to repeat. However, painful and/or traumatic experiences are stored in a special way that can become what we call in the PAIRS For Our Future program, an Emotional Allergy.

An Emotional Allergy is like a physical allergy; it is based on a sensitivity that we have due to experiences that we have had in our lives.

We are not always aware of our Emotional Allergies. Our minds have an ability to push bad memories away so that we can function in our everyday lives.

Sometimes an incident in the present brings back the painful feelings that we had when we were hurt or frightened in the past. When a new experience happens that reminds us of the past, we can get emotionally flooded or hijacked and feel overwhelmed. When we become flooded with negative feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, regret, guilt, shame, we don’t often understand why we are so upset.

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Identifying Emotional Allergies An Emotional Allergy I have for myself is: When you….

I feel…

I think…

SESSION ELEVEN

Identifying an Emotional Allergy

I worry about….

I behave by…..

An Emotional Allergy you suspect for your partner: When you behave like….

I feel…

Session Eleven

Identifying Emotional Allergies

I remember…

I believe....

I behave by…..

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Emotional Allergy Negative Infinity Loop An Emotional Allergy makes something feel much worse than the situation might seem. If we are ‘allergic’ to this event, we have an emotional allergic reaction and begin to feel and react much worse than others might feel and react from the same event.

An Example of an emotional allergy is:

My Allergy (TRIGGER) Raising your voice in anger

Your Allergy (TRIGGER) Silent Treatment

My Feelings Fear Hurt Anger

Your Feelings Fear Hurt Anger

My Belief Anyone who yells at me, does not love me

Your Belief Anyone who stops speaking to me does not respect me My Behavior I give you the silent treatment for yelling

Your Behavior I raise my voice again and you continue not to speak to me

Notes

The loop represents two separate people; she on one side, he on the other, joined and bonded ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to each other. Each person brings their own allergies of their past. One person’s loop can begin ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------with a triggering event by the other person’s behavior. For example: When you raise your voice ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------in anger, it triggers my fear and hurt. The behavior you receive from me is silent treatment. When ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------you get the silent treatment, it triggers your hurt, anger, and fear because of your belief that ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------anyone not speaking to you doesn’t respect you.

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SESSION ELEVEN

Talking Tips: Confiding About an EMOTIONAL Allergy

Session Eleven

Notes

Be fully present without distractions, with good will and empathy for each other. If you are the -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Speaker, use short sentences your partner can repeat back easily. As the Listener, repeat what -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------you think you heard your partner say without exaggerating, using comments, distorting or giving -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------advice. This is not a conversation. Use non-verbal cues. Validate partner’s thoughts and feelings.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Help partner feel understood; do not agree, comment, judge, try to fix the problem, or get into -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------a discussion. Afterwards, discuss the issue, reverse roles, or simply complete the exercise with -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------appreciation for the information, awareness, perspective and understanding shared.

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Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Transforming the Emotional Allergy Infinity Loop into a Loop of Vulnerability and Empathy (LOVE)

Partner One My Allergy: (TRIGGER) To your raising your voice in anger Confiding My Feelings of Fear, Hurt, Anger

Your Listening with Empathy

My Changed Belief: You are not the person in my past.

You do love me. I can trust you to listen to my feelings and care.

My New Behavior: Confiding [You respond by listening with Empathy] I Say: When you yell at me, it scares me.

I am afraid you will leave me like my father did.

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My Confiding

Partner Two Your Changed Feelings Sympathy Your Changed Belief: Its not against me.

Your Changed Behavior Empathy, reassurance, affection, comfort

Copyright Š 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

SESSION ELEVEN

Loop Of Vulnerability & Empathy - Partner II

Vulnerability: * Allowing another person to see the parts of you that are scared, hurt, sad, and lonely, etc. * Taking a risk to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with another person even when you are not sure how they will react.

Empathy: * Imagining what it feels like to be in the other person’s shoes * Imagining what that person thinks and feels.

Notes

When we become aware of intense feelings, we can choose to react or we can choose instead

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to be vulnerable, to allow another person to see the parts of us that are hurt, sad or angry. If ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------the other person reacts with empathy (imagining what we are feeling and experiencing), we ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------can create a positive Loop of Vulnerability and Empathy: LOVE. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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“Reminders & Tool Kit Tip Sheet”

Emotional Memory and Emotional Allergy Negative Infinity Loop Having the intensity of an Emotional Allergy makes something feel much worse than the actual current situation might be. When we have an Emotional Allergy, we feel much worse than others might feel, and we wind up reacting with more intensity than others might understand or accept.

Confiding an Emotional Allergy and Talking Tips Continue to use Talking Tips to confide Emotional Allergies to help heal your past hurts by connecting and confiding in your partner.

Suggestions in breaking the Emotional Allergy Loop begin with the ability to be vulnerable and have empathy in your relationship with your partner.

Vulnerability means: Allowing another person to see the parts of you that are scared, hurt, sad, and lonely, etc. Also, taking a risk to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with another person even when you are not sure how they will react.

Empathy means: Imagining what it feels like to be in another person’s shoes; imagining what that person thinks and feels.

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SESSION ELEVEN

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Session Eleven

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Departing Tip of the Day: Don’t be too hard on yourself if you find that you go back into the loop.

Remember in order to make changes you have to practice, practice and practice. Don’t give up!

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Unit five - session 12 Putting It All Together Welcome Back (15-20 Minutes) A time for everyone if they choose, to socialize, catch up on news, and share stories about themselves and their families. Food and refreshments are available. Course structure continues the use of the group DTR. Benefits of Social Support (20-30 Minutes) To help you identify the importance of having a social support network to reduce stress, support your marriage, and build community connections.

Identifying Support Network (20-25 Minutes) To help you identify the people and agencies in your support network.

PAIRS For Our Future Tool Kit and Review of Relationship Road Map (30-40 Minutes) To provide a reference guide for the For Our Future Tools And to review the journey that you have just taken via the Relationship Road Maps.

Preventive Maintenance Check Lists (10-15 Minutes) To provide a schedule for preventive “maintenance” of when to practice the For Our Future Skills to keep your relationship strong.

Next Steps (5-10 Minutes) To talk about the upcoming booster programs and what to expect in the future.

Appreciations and Closing Go-Round (45-65 Minutes) To congratulate you and your partner for having the courage to learn new skills and meet new people to support a healthy marriage and to provide an opportunity to hear your thoughts and feelings about your experiences.

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• To help couples identify the importance of having a social support network to reduce stress, support marriages, and build community connections.

• To help participants identify the people and agencies in their support networks.

• To provide a reference guide for the For Our Future Tool Tip note cards.

To review the journey of Phase I of the Program as depicted via seven Relationship Road Maps.

• To provide a time period preventive checklist for the relationship.

SESSION TWELVE

key goals

• To talk about the upcoming Phase II Program and what to expect.

• To bring celebrate the personal experiences of learning new skills and meeting new people.

Session Twelve

topics and tools • Welcome Back (DTR) (RRM) • Benefits of Social Support • Identifying Support Network • Putting It All Together –Review RRM • Preventive Maintenance Checklist • Next Steps • Appreciations

Supplementary material online at www.pairs.com

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Relationship Road Map # 7

Today we visit the last Relationship Road Map. Notice how the strengthening of social and family support can bring you pleasure in your relationship. If you find yourself on the Pain side of the Road Map it is likely due to some current stress you are experiencing or an emotional allergy that is not in your awareness.

Notes

Needing support is not a sign of weakness!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Throughout this program, we have continued to talk about ways to build support in our lives to ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------help us with our relationship and with our children.

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Ask yourself, who are the people and agencies that help you and your children by listening, caring, and giving their time and/or other assistance to you and your partner?

Exercise Instructions: 1. On the first column, list all the people you think of when you think of whom you can rely on for support in general. Include friends, family, coworkers.

2. Then go over your list and circle the names of those people who make you feel most comfortable and who know a lot about you and who would help you out.

SESSION TWELVE

Identifying Your Support Network

3. Put a question mark (?) next to the names of people whose support is uncertain or unknown. When you have finished, some people will have more than one mark next to their names.

5. Consider only the names that are not crossed out. Next to each name, list a quality which makes that person seem like a supporter. Examples may be, a good listener; is there when I need help; is non-judgmental; makes me laugh; will offer financial help; gives me his or her time.

6. Then identify which people you would turn to in the various situations listed on the next page.

Name

Quality

1. .........................................................

.......................................................

2. .........................................................

.......................................................

3. .........................................................

.......................................................

4. .........................................................

.......................................................

5. .........................................................

.......................................................

6. .........................................................

.......................................................

7. .........................................................

.......................................................

8. .........................................................

.......................................................

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Session Twelve

4. Cross out the names of people that you do not want to turn to for help or support.

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FOR OUR FUTURE

Problems and Solutions If I were sick, I would call .........................................................................

If my child were sick, I would call ............................................................

If I needed money, I would call ................................................................

If my child were doing poorly in school, I would call ................................

If I had a bad fight with my partner or boss, I would call ........................ .

If I lost my job, I would call ......................................................................

If I wanted company, I would call .............................................................

If I wanted to talk, I would call .................................................................

If I needed a place to stay, I would call ....................................................

If I had good news, I would call ...............................................................

If I needed a job, I would call ...................................................................

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Fill in the Blanks If I needed .....................................

I would call ...................................

If I needed .....................................

I would call ...................................

If I needed .....................................

I would call ...................................

If I needed .....................................

I would call ...................................

Complete the Following Statements I am going to ask ...........................

SESSION TWELVE

Problems and Solutions, continued

to ..............................................

..................................................................................................... for me.

................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................. .................................................................................................................

Session Twelve

If I get the help I ask for, how will it make a difference?

If my request is turned down, what will be my back-up plan? ................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................. .................................................................................................................

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FOR OUR FUTURE

For Our Future Tool Kit Guides Problem or feeling

to use

To do for yourself

DAILY Sense of growing Speak up for the TEMPERATURE distance relationship.

READING

To do with your partner

Set aside time daily.

Give hugs and thanks!

Do not continue to think badly of partner. Do not use drugs/ alcohol.

Resume talking to discuss and resolve the problems.

Listen, listen, and listen to understand.

Use this often!

TIME OUT TIP

Stop all talking immediately.

State how much time you would like.

Wanting more pleasure in your relationship

Good will UMBRELLA

Find empathy and compassion for your partner.

When using any of the tools

INVITATION RULE

Invite your Clarify which tool partner to to use. participate.

Suspicious of partners motives and feelings

Wanting to feel cared about and loved

SHARED MEANING

Make notes to yourself about your feelings.

Think about MIND READING what you are (CHECK OUT assuming about PUZZLES) your partner.

CARING BEHAVIORS LOVE BANK

Notes

DTR will strengthen both partners’ intimacy and develop the habit of confiding.

Attempting to resolve problems under stress

Becoming emotionally upset

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Tool Tip

Use this first!

Listen to, understand, and ask your partner, “Is there more?”

Encourage full expression. Say, “Thank you for telling me!”

Partner affirms or clarifies.

Listen to partner’s feedback and clarification.

Regularly revisit Make deposits in what makes you Take care of you! your Love Bank. and your spouse feel cared about.

Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

Problem or feeling

Feeling emotionally overwhelmed

To ask for a behavior change from partner

Who should decide

Tool Tip to use

EMPTY THE JUG

FAIR FIGHT FOR CHANGE

To do for yourself

Seek comfort and understanding.

To do with your partner

Partner listens with empathy for understanding.

Invite partner Know what for a FFFC behavior change and prepare you want and to negotiate why. outcome.

Think through POWERGRAM - who should Who Decides? make the decision.

Use tools to discuss.

Notes Thank your partner for having good will to listen to what you had to say. Show appreciations.

Use Talking Tips guide or Time Out to manage strong emotions.

Stay to one subject.

Need all tools, Shared Meaning, Talking Tips to FFFC. Reflect on what is true for partner rather than my assumptions.

EMOTIONAL ALLERGY

Reflect on why you’re so upset.

Use TT to confide.

New understanding of my partner’s reactions.

Suspicions and uncomfortable regarding partner’s behavior

WEB OF JEALOUSY

Reflect on why you’re upset.

Confide in partner using Talking Tips.

Deeper self understanding.

New agreements.

Holding in resentment about partner or others

LETTING GO OF GRUDGES

Let go of resentment.

Forgive self.

Confide.

Sense of relief and new energy.

Tune up the relationship

30-DAY AND 60-DAY PREVENTIVE MAINTENANCE CHECKLIST

Clarify own thoughts and feelings about issues that are upsetting.

Schedule time with partner to review checklist.

Add what steps you and your partner can take to be back on the Pleasure side.

Angry at partner’s behavior

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Session Twelve

LOVE KNOTS

Identify your Clarify with underlying belief. partner.

Full of resentment for partner

SESSION TWELVE

For Our Future Tool Kit Guides

139

FOR OUR FUTURE

For Our Future 30- Day Preventive Maintenance Checklist Place a check mark (√) in the column for yourself and/or your partner if you or your partner are taking steps to nurture your relationship. Then in the last column note what steps you can take to improve your relationship.

Name:: ___________________________________ Date:: ____________________________________ Daily Temperature Reading Appreciation New Information Puzzles Concerns With Recommendations Wishes Hopes, Dreams Confiding Caring Behaviors (Specifics) Use of Shared Meaning & Empathic Listening Resist saying hurtful things FFFC – to solve problems Respect for each others decision making Do the things I say I will do Have fun, play and seek pleasure

140

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Steps Taken to Nurture Our Relationship

Self

Partner

Added Steps To Take

Place a check mark (√) in the column for yourself and/or your partner if you or your partner are taking steps to nurture your relationship. Then in the last column note what steps you can take to improve your relationship.

Name:: ___________________________________ Date:: ____________________________________ Daily Temperature Reading Appreciation New Information Puzzles Concerns With Recommendations Wishes Hopes, Dreams Confiding

Steps Taken to Nurture Our Relationship

Self

Added Steps To Take

Partner

Session Twelve

Caring Behaviors (Specifics)

SESSION TWELVE

For Our Future 60- Day Preventive Maintenance Checklist

Use of Shared Meaning & Empathic Listening Resist saying hurtful things FFFC – to solve problems Respect for each others decision making Do the things I say I will do Have fun, play and seek pleasure

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FOR OUR FUTURE

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Copyright © 2010 PAIRS Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

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SESSION TWELVE

NOTES AND REFLECTIONS

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Session Twelve

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PAIRS FOUNDATION

OUR MISSION & PROMISE For over a quarter century, the mission of PAIRS has been to teach those attitudes, emotional understandings and behaviors that nurture and sustain healthy relationships and to make this knowledge broadly available on behalf of a safer, saner, more loving world.