TD Issue 148

CMYK

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 08 - 14 December, 2019 I Issue 148 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

taliban were the first student union i supported: PM imran

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ISLAMABAD

RiMe Minister imran Khan on Sunday expressed the government’s willingness to allow the restoration of student unions, reminding everyone that he has long supported student unions in the region. while reaffirming that the unions would be formed subject to the establishment of a

“comprehensive and enforceable code of conduct”, PM imran Khan reminded that his entire politics has centred around the rights for student bodies.

“Taliban were the first student union i supported. i’ve supported them in both Afghanistan and Pakistan, but in Pakistan it was based purely on their GPA – General Preference Average. The headquarters groom future leaders of the country and the abovementioned

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student unions form an integral part of this grooming,” said the prime minister in a post on Twitter.

Referring to the student unions of the past, the prime minister said that they had become “uncontrollably violent and completely destroyed the controlled strategic atmosphere in the headquarters”. he, however, clarified that those unions will be “restored and enabled to play their part” in grooming the future leaders of the country.

The premier said that a

“comprehensive and enforceable conduct” based on the “best practices in internationally renowned universities” will be

developed in this regard.

“The Taliban call that conduct Sharia, and i have always supported it,” the premier added. g

Renowned Pakistani personality, founder of famous Pakistani town, spends some money in UK UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

Laughably powerless student unions to prepare students for national politics: experts

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KARACHI

hile commending the decision of the Sindh government to put away the ban on student unions, political analysts were of the opinion that the establishment of laughably powerless student unions will groom students into becoming unempowered politicians later on in life.

“Yes, student politics is the nursery of the political class all over the world, with Pakistan being no exception,” said Ahmed Bilal Mehboob of PilDAT, while speaking exclusively to The Dependent. “in Pakistan, the elections to this student body positions that won’t have any powers at all barring

being the mild pressure groups that the student associations already are, will prepare some of the students to eventually pursue a career in powerless politics later on in their lives.” “in particular, when the elected student body officials would first realise that there would be no student representation in disciplinary and financial committees, it would be a teaching moment that will prepare them for later,” said Dr Aasim Sajjad Akhtar.

“Similarly, when they are busy organising welcome, farewell and annual parties, which will be the entirety of their domain, it will be practice for cutting ribbons and posing for group photos while the elders make the actual real decisions.” g

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enowneD Pakistani personality, top Pakistani business tycoon, founder of a famous Pakistani town, decided to spend some of his money in the United Kingdom on Tuesday.

According to a tweet by the nCA [national College of Arts] in london, the highprofile personality spent £190 million in total on the given day.

According to the nCA’s Twitter handle, at least a part of the money was also given on behalf of a family, which shows the top businessperson’s philanthropic side.

And with nCA the recipient, the real estate guru also has reaffirmed his taste for art and culture.

90,000 fake twitter accounts lay down their handles

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n a massive cancellation of fake Twitter accounts, the management of the microblogging site has accepted a surrender of around 90,000 fake Pakistani twitter accounts.

“The drive by the twitter authorities, whose codename in the organisation was operation Jackpot, was launched early last night and didn’t take long to achieve completion,” said Twitter spokesperson lisa Yao.

The renowned personality, known across the world, is the only member of the board of directors of this great publication.

This scribe named his first child after the eminent business figure.

This scribe has had the great fortune of living in the world class town created by the top business personality, which also illustrates the star

businessperson’s appreciation for art and forgery.

This scribe’s place is next to a prominent zoo, surrounded by plots of various sizes available for rent and purchase.

This scribe can also get you a 500 yards residential plot in the Karachi edition of the town for Rs 55 lacs only – open form, no transfer fee, no tax. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E

The leader of the fake accounts group, A A K niazi, said that they will live to fight another day. “we will teach them a lesson as one of ours is equal to twenty of theirs,” he said. “it’s true, since one of ours has to handle twenty accounts.”

“Such things happen in Fifth Generation warfare,” said independent analyst Farhan Virk, himself a recent casualty. “it’s all part of the game.”

“Speaking of game, now that i have some free time on my hands, would you guys be interested in a quick game of PUBG?” g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K

Sunday, 08 - 14 December, 2019

E D I TO R I A L

irresponsible media This paper condemns Dawn

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N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

e at Pakistan’s Paper of record take the freedom of press seriously. But we are also aware that this freedom must be exercised responsibly.

Not for nothing did Thucydides, perhaps the first journalist/war correspondent in history, say: “Journalists’ first duty is to try to help Pakistan’s image abroad. (citation needed)” The Pakistani publication Dawn (a rag, really) did not use show much responsibility. The best example of this cavalier attitude was their decision to place their offices right in front of an angry mob last week.

Placing ones offices in front of

an unassuming, innocent enraged mob, and positioning their office entry and exit points right in front of some of the musclemen of this mob, was the height of sabrerattling and tujhe-dekh-luunga-ism.

We would urge Dawn to know its place in the scheme of things

and behave responsibility. We would also urge them to not select photojournalist Saleem Khattak as a part of the Dawn-11 in the internnewspaper cricket tournament.

The fellow’s leg spin is unplayable and it’s a bit mean, quite frankly, to include him in the squad. g

OPINION Shameless Pti government stabilising economy by going to iMF

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By Ishaq Dollar

ver the past two years I have received significantly less ‘I Miss You’ cards than I expected. I mean, I singlehandedly kept the rupeedollar exchange rate around 100 by crook or by crook. Now it has crossed well over 150, half of it under my successor from my own party and the other half under the party that succeeded our party – succeeded as in from succession, not from success.

Never mind, I don’t mind being the silent hero that I know that I am. even when I was the very visible hero, I was never acknowledged as such. It is not fame or recognition that I desire, it is the exchange rate that I interest myself in – without any party partisanship. And I note that the exchange rate has swung back from around 165 to around 155 over the second half of this year, or the first half of the ongoing fiscal year.

Of course, 155 is no 100 – or even 105 – but one would be inclined towards addressing the improvement had one not been aware of the downright forgery at play here. Let’s explore it further before we unravel it.

Global credit rating agency Moody’s Investors Service has upgraded the outlook on Pakistan’s debt to stable from the previous negative. It is seen as an affirmation of strength in the external sector and fiscal balance. What will now happen is that the government will float its bonds, looking to capitalise on its stable outlook.

Similarly, the deficits are narrowing, which will encourage more positive ratings from around the world, which in turn should result in more investments

and further improvements in the economy – till this three-year period culminates.

How do I know this? Other than the fact that I’m a fiscal genius, I know this first hand because the PTI government in 2019 is exactly where the PML-N government was in 2014 – give or take a few months. This is what happens when you go to the IMF. And now the same shameless PTI government that vowed to never go to the IMF, has copied our first step. They will now copy the next few steps of ours over the next two and a half years and then when the election year comes, after the IMF programme is over, all shall be reversed. But in the run-up to the elections

they will only quote the stats and figures from 2020-2021, just like we quote figures from 2015-16.

Now I personally would be super happy with this cycle of repetition, if it can work two-way.

For instance, if the PTI is now copying what the PML-N did, I sincerely hope that the PML-N can copy what the PTI was doing at the same time.

That way just when the post-IMF economy bubble would be deflating, a political crisis would simultaneously be created.

While the government would blame the political crisis for the sliding economy, the opposition would do sufficient cozying up to topple them in the election.

Cozy. Select. repeat. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

NATIONAL 03

Sunday, 08 - 14 December, 2019

Nouveau riche local Batman has no reason to hide identity

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All Pakistan ‘We Don’t Agree With All Slogans’ march announced nationwide

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ISLAMABAD/LAHORE/KARACHI/ PESHAWAR/QUETTA

He Sust Inaction Committee (SIC) has called nationwide demonstrations spearheaded by the all Pakistan ‘We Don’t agree With all Slogans’ (aPWDaWaS).

The rally, which will take place in social media groups and chat windows across all major cities including Lahore, Karachi, Rawalpindi, Hyderabad and Quetta, has developed into a nationwide march spanning across the real and virtual worlds.

The march will see the participation of rights groups like Haqooq-e-Khap Movement (HKM), the Pakistan Tirade union Defence Campaign

(PTuDC), Pakistan Bura Bhalla Majboor union (PBBMu), Skype Raabita Committee (SRC), along with other social media and Whatsapp groups. a press conference in this regard was held in the aPWDaWaS Whatsapp group on December 5, with admins of the various participating groups agreeing to unite for their right to not agree with all the slogans raised in marches.

“We have compiled a list of slogans that we don’t agree with and want to raise awareness against the denial of our right to coolly disagree with them,” said aPWDaWaS Leader Taufeeq Mehmood while talking to The Dependent.

Pti upgrades Moody’s credibility rating after Moody’s upgrades Pakistan’s credit rating

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He ruling Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf (PTI) has raised international credit rating agency Moody’s credibility rating after it had upgraded Pakistan’s credit rating.

Though it has not changed Pakistan’s grade from B3, it upgraded Pakistan’s outlook from ‘negative’ to ‘stable.’

The ruling party, in turn, has changed Moody’s credibility rating from ‘part of Ganju Patwari Gang’s international abettors’ to ‘credible

ouveau riche local Batman, who could be taking on his own poverty in a posh location of the city as you read this, has over the past week remained unable to think of a reason to hide his actual identity, The Dependent has reliably learnt.

Sources close to the local Batman came to The Dependent this week asking the publication to reveal the details as to who the newly emerged superhero in town was.

Sources confirmed that the local Batman, whose real life name is Danish, is a stock market wiz who has funded his own superpowers.

Danish, who last week purchased 7.8 million worth shares in the stock market, resulting in a massive upsurge in the Karachi Stock Market in turn

prompting credit rated agency Moody’s to credit to raise the entire country’s economic outlook, is described by his close ones as a ‘self-made Batman’.

“More importantly he’s a Batman who wants to operate within the law. also, his wife has already left him, so he doesn’t really care if others end up in danger owing to people finding out about his identity,” a member of the local Batman’s entourage said while requesting that his own identity remain anonymous.

“If anything, he’s actually attention hungry. His attention seeking stunts these days are dominating the real estate and stock brokering sections of town,” the source added.

When asked about the local Batman’s age from his aides, they requested that his date of birth be kept anonymous. g

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04 BUSINESS

ISLAMABAD

PTuDC’s Saba Wasim revealed that the list of slogans that the groups do not agree with include the aurat March, the Students Solidarity March and the Pashtun Tahaffuz Movement.

“Some of us don’t secretly agree with many of the slogans raised by Islamist groups but can’t say that out loud, because you know how it is in this country,” Saba Wasim told The Dependent.

The date for the nationwide march is yet to be finalised after deadlock over weekdays and weekend, with the former occupying a majority of the group members with work commitments and the latter with family and relaxation time. g

KARACHI

and renowned rating agency.’

The ruling party had given the previous credibility rating back during the PML-N government, when Moody’s had given Pakistan a favourable rating, reflecting well on the government.

“If Moody’s continues to give us better ratings, we might even consider giving (Moody’s Ceo) Raymond McDaniel an extension in his tenure, as he is the sort of individual needed to help the organisation at a time like this,” said education minister Shafqat Mehmood. g

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Sunday, 08 - 14 December, 2019

‘Nalaiq, naehel’ credit rating agency clueless about Pakistan’s economy: Marriyum Aurangzeb

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ISLAMABAD

aKISTaN Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) leaders on Thursday said while the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) government is destroying the country’s economy, a similarly selected entity Moody’s is spreading lies about the nation’s financial realities.

While talking to the media the PML-N Information Secretary Marriyum aurangzeb said that the ‘nalaiq’ (incompetent) and ‘naehel’ (unworthy) credit rating agency which raised Pakistan’s economic outlook from negative to stable is actually ‘clueless’ about the state of Pakistan’s economy.

“Going to the IMF and then getting better credit ratings – this selected platoon is

doing the same thing that we did,” Marriyum aurangzeb said.

“But we did it based on true democratic values, developmental vision and respect for vote. They are doing it based on their selected, fascist agenda,” she added.

PML-N Secretary General ahsan Iqbal said that the financial statistics of Moody’s are as accurate as adviser to Prime Minister on Finance Hafeez Shaikh’s knowledge

about the price of tomatoes.

“The economy cannot be fixed by just copying what we did,” ahsan Iqbal said.

Iqbal further added that the government officials lie through their teeth when they say that the economy was in tatters when the incumbent government assumed charge.

“The tatters actually began to emerge as soon as our IMF programme was completed,” he added. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK Sunday, 08 - 14 December, 2019

NEWS

05

CM Buzdar pledges to receive primary education in Urdu from now on

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LAHORE

UnJaB chief Minister Usman Buzdar pledges on Wednesday to make the medium of instruction in his ongoing primary education in the Urdu language.

“People in the urban areas think that there are two mediums of instruction in the country,” he said while speaking to reporters in reasonably good Urdu. “But actually, it is not just english and Urdu, but also the regional languages as well.”

“I would like for the third

tier to be abolished and for there to be education only in Urdu at primary level, including my own ongoing primary education,” he said, during the break period at his primary school.

“I am weak at math but very good at Urdu, as Miss Munazza, who is also my class teacher, can testify,” he said, speaking passionately, gesturing towards her. “I am good at Waahid/Jama.

I can do it all day long. check me.”

“He’s Student of the Week, our precious boy is,” chimed in Information Minister Fayyaz ul Hassan chohan. g

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Jeremy Corbyn vows decolonisation of Brexit by appointing Pakistani judge to draw Partition line

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LONDON

n a town hall meeting with supporters of the labour Party, Britain’s opposition leader Jeremy corbyn declared that if elected Prime Minister in the upcoming elections, he would decolonise the Brexit process.

While addressing the gathering, the labour Party leader said that he plans to appoint a Pakistani or Indian judge to draw the line.

“The Partition Plan would be drawn by a leading jurist from the Indian subcontinent. Ideally someone who has never visited the United Kingdom or the european Union, and knows very little about the realities of the populations living here,” corbyn said.

The opposition leader also maintained that a similar line would be drawn in Ireland where the republic of Ireland and

northern Ireland would be divided. corbyn promised that he would provide 45 days to the potential arbiter and both sides would have representation at the table.

“It’s evident that the whole process would need to be carried out in a hurry, given the urgent need to leave. a lot of resources have already been wasted in the years leading up to the Partition,” he added. g

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06 SPORTS

Sunday, 08 - 14 December, 2019

Messi edges out Van Dijk for Ballon d’Or after becoming first footballer to score a Test century

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PARIS/BARCELONA/ LIVERPOOL/ADELAIDE

New batting sensation now has as many centuries in australia as his captain and coach put together

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ADELAIDE

eW batting sensation Yasir Shah, who has rocked the world and redefined Pakistani batting Down Under forever on Sunday, reached a major career milestone by equalling the collective efforts of his captain azhar ali and coach Misbah-ul-Haq during his 113 run innings in the first innings of the second Test at adelaide.

The captain and coach collectively made one century between them in australia, scored by azhar ali at the Melbourne cricket Ground in December 2016. Yasir Shah now has the same number, following his century in the ongoing Test match against australia.

The new batting discovery,

who impressed with the bat in the first Test at the Gabba as well, now has the same number of Test centuries in australia as some of the legends of Pakistan cricket.

These include Younis Khan, Inzamam-ul-Haq, Mohammad Yousuf and Saeed anwar.

Shah, who has been the best batsman for his side in a testing series, also has displayed part-time leg-spin on the tour. experts believe that if he can work on his bowling he might actually become a genuine all-rounder given the undisputed batting skills that he has displayed. “clearly, we’re giving the ball to the wrong blokes and the bat to the wrong ones,” coach Misbah-ul-Haq said while talking to The Dependent at the end of Pakistan’s first innings. g

arcelona and argentina forward lionel Messi on Monday become the first player to win the Ballon d’or award for the world’s best player for a record sixth time.

The argentine’s first Ballon d’or since 2015 comes after he scored 54 times for club and country in 2018-19, in which Barca won la liga, rounding off a stellar year with a scintillating century in the day and night Test match at adelaide.

With Virgil van Dijk a close second, many of the voters

speaking to The Dependent, revealed that it was the century at adelaide that tilted their mind towards Messi even though the Dutch centre-half had won the UeFa champions league and finished runners-up in the Premier league and the UeFa nations league.

“What Messi can do on the field is unreal. and the fact that sometimes he manages to do freaky stuff on two different fields in two different continents truly makes him the magician that he is,” one of the voting journalists said while talking to The Dependent.

Following his exploits in adelaide, Messi has also become the first footballer in history to score a Test century.

He remains the quickest to get to 200 Test wickets as well. experts believe that if Messi continues to perform with his multiple talents, he can regain his stranglehold over the Ballon d’or.

Meanwhile, Juventus and Portugal forward cristiano ronaldo, who has won the award five times, was seen practicing his cover drive in a net session organised in his backyard on Thursday. g

Satire

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.