TD Issue 149

CMYK

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 15 - 21 December, 2019 I Issue 149 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

Hospitals on high alert after lawyers’ body announces nationwide strike

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OsPitALs are literally on high-alert after the lawyers’ Joint Action Committee has announced a countrywide boycott of courts for some days. the committee, which includes representatives from the Pakistan Bar Council, supreme Court Bar and Lahore High Court Bar, was formed on emergency

basis to devise the next course of action, post the escalating rift with doctors in Lahore. “they aren’t going to be attending the courts, so it means they will be free to do whatever,” said dr shakeel Hassan, ms of mayo Hospital, Lahore.

“We need to take precautions for all eventualities.”

“Ordinarily, hospitals are on high alert to take care of the casualties that might result from the hostilities in these situations,” said Punjab health secretary saleema Cheema. “But this is one of the few instances where the hospitals themselves are going to be yielding the casualties.”

“Across Punjab and, indeed,

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the rest of the country, hospitals would hopefully be in a better position to deal with the problem since there will be no lost time in transporting the injured to the hospital in ambulances,” she said, hopefully.

“this is not like last year when the nation’s tyre shops were on high alert after the lawyers called a strike after one of them thought he hadn’t gotten a good deal from madni tyre Centre, Board Chowk, Lahore.” g

‘Those wearing uniform have to obey law,’ says daring Firdous

Murderous lawyers hope state treats them like terrorists

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LAHORE

midst calls that the lawyers who had attacked the Punjab institute of Cardiology in Lahore be charged under the Antiterrorism Act (AtA), the arrested lawyers following Wednesday’s murderous rampage agree that the state should treat them like terrorists. still uncertain about the punishment that would be meted out to them following the ugly scenes in the capital of Punjab, the arrested lawyers are confident that their actions do merit charges of terrorism.

“We’re really hopeful that the state would make excuses on our behalf and excuses to not take action

against us. We wish that the powers that be realise that this is what we deserve – we deserve to be treated as terrorists,” said an arrested lawyer while talking to The Dependent.

“House arrests with protocol, all facilities to run our everyday activities – even the ones for which we are charged – and of course requesting the UN for monthly stipends for us. i think our actions were horrific enough to merit all this,” another lawyer said.

“Personally, i’m really looking forward to my interviews on national tV. Also, i’d love to be invited by political parties for their rallies and even alliances.

Can’t wait to be glorified on banners ahead of the next elections!” added another excited lawyer. g

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ISLAMABAD

N a statement that might singlehandedly alter the political course for the country heading into the new decade, special Assistant to the Prime minister on information and Broadcasting dr Firdous Ashiq Awan has asked ‘those wearing uniform’ to ‘obey law’. in the historic tweet sent out at 3:33 Pm on Wednesday, dec 11, 2019, the Prime minister’s aide said that “those wearing uniform have to obey the law” with the tweet also reiterating that “lawlessness is not acceptable at any cost”. this direct verbal attack on behalf of the civilian government is the first such instance of the ruling Pakistan tehreeke-insaf (Pti) upholding rule of law reiterating that no one is above it.

Analysts feel that this is the first major sign of friction within the power corridors, with many believing that a conflict was inevitable amidst the tug of war going

Doctors-lawyers tension started way back when doctors got more marks in FSc: police report

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iNALisiNg its investigations of the lawyers’ rowdyism at the Punjab institute of Cardiology (PiC), the Lahore police have said that there is conclusive evidence that the tensions between the lawyers and the Young doctors Association (YdA) started when the latter had gotten more marks in Fsc. “Earlier, we were informed that the tensions started after a video of a YdA member making fun of the lawyers went viral,” said AsP Faiza Khattak, Assistant to the inspector general Police,

Punjab. “But upon further investigation, it was revealed that the root cause of the crisis was from many years ago, when the doctors, who were Fsc (pre-medical)

students back then, got much higher numbers than most from those who went on to do their LLBs.” When informed of this development, representative

on behind the scenes.

Observers further note that the choice of Firdous Ashiq Awan to send down a resounding message to those in uniform is symbolic as well given the circumstances that led to her appointment in the

Prime minister’s cabinet.

At press time, the special Assistant to the Prime minister tweeted a disclaimer that her tweet from Wednesday applied only to those wearing the ‘uniform of law’, which this scribe had failed to read properly. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E

of the Lahore High Court Bar Association, advocate Fayyaz Bhatti, vehemently denied the assertion. “this AsP sahiba who has conducted this investigation is clearly biased.” “i am ready to have a debate on this issue with her on live tV but she won’t agree to it because she thinks she is somehow better than me because she cleared her Css exams and got the PsP group while i didn’t clear any of my three attempts.” “god, i hate police officers,” he added. “And doctors and engineers. And lawyers with a lot of cases.” g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K Lawyers in different countries, including Pakistan

Sunday, 15 - 21 December, 2019

E D I TO R I A L

the gauntlet had been thrown ..and the lawyers bested the journalists yet again

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hey say that at any given point in time, the best foot forward of any country would be some individuals from the legal and journalistic communities. That may or may not always be the case but the worst that a country has to offer would most certainly be from these two communities. It is a

universal rule. Check this in any country of the world.

In Pakistan, the two communities have a good-natured competition amongst each other for being the lowliest of the low and the competition is always nail-bitingly close, with practitioners of each of the two professions falling to newer nadirs every year.

It is with much sorrow that

we, in the fourth estate have to begrudgingly admit that the lawyers have taken this distinction this year, making it five years in a row. God knows, the journalists haven’t lost for lack of trying. This year was another close competition.

We would like to tell our blackcoat friends that they might have won the battle, but not the war. g

OPINION

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

2010s – a decade of upholding human rights

By Mullah Burqa and KhadiM di Siri [Editor’s Note: This is the first in a series of four decade-ending Op-Eds which will be jointly written by eminent figures from the country who have played a prominent role across the 2010s.

The pieces will recognise the state’s achievements across this decade, heading into the 2020s, with the co-authors having played major contributions in the successes]

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Please #Fixit

he two of us are super happy that The Dependent approached us to highlight our achievements in a field where the two of us have made our names. And while we are both pretty modest in our own unique ways, it is a fact that we have been among the biggest proponents of human rights in Pakistan over the past decade.

Mullah Burqa believes that the previous decade should be extended till 2007, while Khadim Di Siri maintains that this decade is actually almost a millennia and a half old. For, how do you disconnect what we have been up to in the 2010s from the years, decades, centuries and millennia leading up to it?

But we both share the same views on human rights in Pakistan. We wholeheartedly believe that those who are worthy of being called humans should get all the rights that are universal. And since all the universe belongs to one group

of people, universal here has a pretty vast meaning as well.

We believe that human rights are the most important duty for any caliphate. And the best way to guarantee and uphold human rights is to eradicate human wrongs – and, indeed, the wrong humans.

Now the wrongs are countless in the country. That is where our fatwas come in – the fatwas highlight the wrongs that need to be fixed and/or eliminated. As you might have noticed we focus more on the wrongs, because we believe that overcoming them will help the rights.

We thought we could list our favourite fatwas from the 2010s.

We actually got together and made a shortlist of the top 10 fatwas of the decade. But then before sending the piece we realised that just highlighting those 10 fatwas would be unfair to the countless others that we and other human

rights activists like us have given.

While we began working on the article, we began to realise how much effort and work the other had done in the field of human rights. And then as we got discussing, exchanging notes, we also realised how contrasting our methods have been – with arguably similar impact.

Mullah Burqa has been more of an introvert in recent years, especially in the years that Khadim Di Siri was at his most active. Also, we’ve been rallying different sects and even different jihadist groups, for our goal of building a human rights caliphate, with the sole purpose of uniting the Ummah – and then people accuse us of been divisive!

In this quest there have been counting other human rights activists nationwide who have helped make Pakistan a haven for human rights. Let’s all continue the great work heading into the 2020s and beyond! g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

RESHUFFLE 03

Sunday, 15 - 21 December, 2019

Govt hires Mir Mohammad ali Khan to help dodge iMF payback

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Humbled to be given second chance to target remaining marginalised communities: Chohan

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LAHORE

ItH characteristic humility and modesty, fayyaz-ulHassan Chohan expressed his gratitude to the Punjab Chief Minister Usman Buzdar for reappointing him as the provincial information minister last week.

In an exclusive interview with The Dependent, 10 days after his reappointment, Chohan said that he is considering the development as a second coming, where he will

look to complete the unfinished tasks from his previous tenure.

“I think my efforts to marginalise journalists, women and of course Hindus gained more prominence than other similar efforts. Because, of course, there is genuine contempt and hatred in my heart for many other groups as well,” Chohan said.

“I am going to use this opportunity to target the remaining marginalised communities that I missed out on – at least publically. I am

just humbled that the Chief Minister of Punjab has given me another opportunity to do things that I really enjoy doing,” he added.

Chohan, who was briefly marginalised himself during the violence that erupted in Lahore on Wednesday, said the lawyers involved in the incident are lower down in the pecking order for his tasks.

“I think there are more vulnerable groups that I can personally target before the lawyers,” he maintained. g

Satire

Sunday, 15 - 21 December, 2019

Khalil Qamar to write play telling Helmet Kathak dance lawyer’s side of story

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edit out bit from Panipat film, Wikipedia entry that says afghans beat Marathas, demands rSS

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fteR flirting with the idea of merely handing over a few governmental projects to him, the government on thursday decided to give complete charge of the finance Ministry to Mir Mohammad Ali Khan, who goes by the drag name MAK. Many see it as a surprise shuffle of the deck, given the powers that be in Pakistan have decided to remove Abdul Hafeez Shaikh as the Advisor to the Prime Minister on finance and replace him with MAK at a time when the economy appears to be on the mend.

However, government officials maintain that MAK’s experience as a fugitive in the United States, where he used to play Investment

Banker on a reality show while actually laundering money for the mob, is critical for the most important movement of the ruling Pakistan tehreek-e-Insaf (PtI): the accountability drive.

Prime Minister Imran Khan has hailed MAK’s expertise in handling large wads of cash overseas and expressed his full confidence in his acumen.

“Hiring MAK will deter the IMf from putting the squeeze when they are faced on the opposite end by the former Wolf of Wall Street. Also, this way we will not have to pay IMf’s money back,” PM Khan told the media.

Similarly, Chief Justice Asif Saeed Khan Khosa has decided to let the matter go and not interfere. “Because that is what would happen in a Mario Puzo novel,” he clarified. g

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04 ARTS AND CULTURE

He Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) the ideological core of India’s ruling Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), has demanded from the makers of the 2019 film Panipat and the Wikipedia foundation to edit out that bit of their respective products that says that the Afghans beat the Marathas at Panipat in 1761.

“We will not allow our emotions to be played with like this,” said RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat. “Reliance entertainment and the Wikipedia foundation should follow our humble requests or we will not be responsible for

ISLAMABAD

oted playwright Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar is set to write a 24-episode television series which will attempt to tell the events of the attack on Punjab Institute of Cardiology (PIC) from the infamous Helmet Kathak dancer’s side of the story.

“It is very easy to simply condemn someone, not realising his story,” he said.

“this is my attempt to tell his side of the story. I feel my story will help explaining to the public that the guy was right.”

“Always listen to both sides of the story, preferably that of the male, better still, that of a violent man,” he said. “that is usually the point of view that has been ignored throughout history and I want to highlight that.”

Humayun Saeed and Hamza Ali Abbasi are the hot contenders for the role, with the latter eager to come out of retirement for this role, though Qamar (an actor himself) has also indicated that he might be persuaded by himself to play the role.

Helmet Kathak dancer Lawyer himself was unavailable for comment. g

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the actions of our Swayamsevaks, whose feelings have been hurt.”

“Why doesn’t the film at least also shed light on the fact that Arjun Kapoor still managed to snag Malaika,” continued Bhagwat. “that’s right: Malaika Arora. So, if they have supposedly ‘lost’, how did our boy still manage to get the girl. A girl.” “to the Wikipedia foundation I would like to say that honest to the truth does not mean that one should be honest to the truth,” he said. “one should say what is right, even if it is clearly, in an objective and well-documented manner, wrong.” g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

CONFLICT 05

Sunday, 15 - 21 December, 2019

army Chief to formally take charge from Prime Minister WITHIN IDEOLOGICAL FRONTIERS

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he Army Chief who led the military of the ideological nation in the middle of the soon to culminate decade, and then decided to extend himself over the past year, is now looking to formally take charge from the fascist Prime Minister who is still officially the head of the government in the religious nation-state.

Many in the nation hold the Army Chief in high esteem and hence when the expected competition with the Prime Minister comes, they are likely to rally behind the military man.

Analysts feel that given that the country has been a security state in a volatile neighbourhood since its inception in the late 1940s, the military always has certain amount of clout, which the Army Chief is looking to make the most of.

Meanwhile, despite being a controversial and divisive figure, the populist nature of the Prime Minister still means that he has a sufficient backing among the masses to pose a challenge. however, it is believed that he will lose out against the Army Chief.

Since the two failed to agree a power sharing arrangement, analysts have felt that an early election has been the need of the hour. g

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Clueless captain getting on chief selector’s nerves in Rawalpindi

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RAWALPINDI

oNTINUINg to manage all affairs of Pakistan in the multiple capacities that he holds, the Chief Selector in rawalpindi increasingly found the captain clueless with regards to the tasks that have been dictated to him. even though the captain was handpicked by the chief selector, who in turn has been publically backed by the skipper despite backlash from certain

sections in the country, sources within the power corridors have revealed that the chief selector is gradually running out of patience for the captain. “everyone knows that the captain is the chief selector’s guy, but given the lack of performance over the past year or so, the selector might have to select someone else for the job,” said a source privy to the development while talking to The Dependent.

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06 SPORTS

Sunday, 15 - 21 December, 2019

another talented batsman inexplicably dropped despite performance

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RAWALPINDI

roSS injustice was done at the helm of Pakistan cricket once again as yet another talented batsman was inexplicably dropped despite top performances for the country.

Upcoming batsman Yasir Shah, who was the standout batsman for Pakistan in the Australia tour, was dropped from the first Test match against Sri Lanka on the back of a breathtaking century in Adelaide.

Critics have lambasted the selection for the first Test in rawalpindi, with the decision to drop Yasir Shah being the biggest shock.

“I mean what more can an upcoming batsman do than what I did in Australia? Score my maiden

“Although of course many feel that it’s the chief selector who is the reason behind Pakistan’s problems given that he literally has control over everything, including those things that don’t come under his jurisdiction.

But realistically, we feel, it’s the skipper who will go,” the source added.

A high-level meeting with the captain has been scheduled by the chief selector on Monday. g

Test century? Be consistently among the runs throughout the Test series? Do much better than the senior batsmen in the side?

Do better than the batsman who have actually been picked ahead of me for the first Test against Sri Lanka?” said a dejected Yasir Shah during the first day of the Test while talking to The Dependent.

Former Pakistan batsman Asim Kamal, who many feel was a victim of similar decisions, believes that such a move can shatter the confidence of any batsman. “he’s just scored a century in Australia – it doesn’t come much bigger than this. Now the next time he goes into bat, he will be at the back of being dropped, not at the back of a century,” he said. g

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Arsenal gives PML-N contract to construct bridge between attack and defence

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LONDON

he increasingly relocating Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) has now formally been given charge of development work at Arsenal, The Dependent has reliably learnt.

After giving charge to interim manager Freddie Ljungberg, following the dismissal of Unai emery, the club’s next major coup is roping in the PML-N leadership for the rest of the season.

Sources within both Arsenal Football Club and the PML-N have confirmed that an agreement between the two parties has been verbally agreed with the formal signature set to follow soon.

The contract, which will last till the final game of the current season, will see the PML-N being given charge of the construction work within the Arsenal football team.

“The first major assignment is to construct a bridge between the attack and defence,” a senior PML-N leader revealed. “Unfortunately, there is a lot of disparity between the two ends which is to be linked through the bridge. It’s like constructing a bridge between South Punjab and Central Punjab,” the leader added.

The presence of PML-N leader and former Minister of State for Water & Power Abid Sher Ali on the sidelines at the emirates Stadium last weekend during Arsenal’s clash against Brighton suggests that he is likely to be the face of the PML-N working inside the football club.

The Arsenal board has already been advised to keep a close eye on the accounts and the spending during the reconstruction of the football team, sources confirmed. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.